Nobody told me how hard and lonely change is..........Rehab Day 1

Pain, repeatedly experiences, indicates a need for self-assessment, an inventory of our behavior. Honest self-appraisal may well call for change, a change in attitude perhaps, a change in specific behavior in some instances or maybe a change in direction. We get off the right path occasionally, but go merrily on our way until barriers surface, doors close and experiences become painful.

Most of us willingly wallow in our pain a while not because we like it, but because its familiarity offers security. We find some comfort in our pain because at least it holds no suprises.

When our trust of God is high, we are more willing to change. And we open ourselves to the indications for movement in a new direction. Each of us must find our own willingness. Each of us must develop attentiveness to the signs that repeatedly invite changes in our behavior. But most of all, each of us has to travel the road of change singly. Changes we must find the courgae to make will never be exactily like someone else's changes.

I have been getting so fucked up on lorazepam and ambien, to escape tthat I have lost my identity.....my self-respect......my dignity. The things I have allowed to happen have destroyed my ego, my faith, my courage and my spiritual strength.

I arrived.......I have no pills of any kind. I must consume 2500 calories a day. I attend NA meetings twice a day, SLAA meetings once a day, Eating disorder meeting once a day, therapy once a day, Group therapy twice a day and I have to run a mile on the beach everyday.

The place is really nice, it was advertised on intervention. I can have my phone which is cool and go out if I am not busy doing all these other things. I miss Jeff very much but I think I made the right decision to go to rehab and not show up to his court to face his evil family that hates me from the bottom of their hearts and managed to brain-wash him as well. He will one day understands......I think he feels sorry for me but he was mean too, he fucked up too.

 

you're doing the right thing and I admire te courage it took to take this step.

 

Thank you very much for your support. I am trying this out. My life has really turned upside down and I was headed to a place of no return. This is my only chance to grow up. I am very smart and pretty but my emotional side is so fucked up that this is sorta of a place I need to be in. The hard part is depending on only myself......me.....to get better. I can't get the courage from my drugs.......chemically or psychologically from another person.

 

Just remember to use your time there wisely and dont get caught up in the drama and politics or with the people who dont want to be there. goodluck

 

Yeah it took me almost a month of trying to get into here. I left treatment to visit my sister once and another time for a 9 day hospital stay. I got a job offer so I actually have to leave. The job got delayed due to my recovery but finally self-reliance, optimism and building a self-esteem is rather a rewarding experience.

To be honest, I really didn't need to be here. I mean I started relying on pills for my emotions. But I was struggling more with leaving a strange relationship that caused more pain than happiness. Everything was bad but the sex. However, when my family thought I need to be here, I agreed because I needed them and I know that I needed something. So if you really truly calculate how many days I have actually been there, not many. When I was actually in the hospital, I received a great deal of care out of the rehab place by having the therapists visits. They tried to still make the experience of rehab except at the hospital. The good part is that I was finally able to get fucked up for a few days with all kinda of opiates but I really never enjoyed them at all. I was taking them because I really needed them.

 

I will know the exact start date for my job on Monday and then I will go from here. I still miss Jeff but its different. I really feel bad for everything that has happened to him and his sister when I was in New Orleans. I have decided that I will only show up back into his life if he actually serves time in prison. After all, I feel that's kinda of redeeming my karma.

I wish my family would stop wishing him bad things or say bad things about him. It fuckin aggrevates the shit out of me. I get it, he fucked up too. He didn't treat me well either. But fuck, I destroyed the guy, I told on him like it was so slight that he had drugs and was dealing. I really wish he won't ever do that again. He put me in jail and he went to jail and after that we couldn't even have a chance. All I can do is wait till I know more about his consquences for his actions. I am saving the money I collected in case he needs it. Of course, he fuckin told my family about it so it makes them rather even more pissed about paying for my rehab.