Drugs, music, love, and me

They have seemed to go together, for many years. I don't mean all my boyfriends were drug addicts, most were not, but at least the occasional E was included. I have never been single for as long as I have now. My last real boyfriend was 4 years ago. I hooked up with several guys since then but nothing real. I begin to wonder if I will find someone I can be in a relationship with again, I've gotten TIMID in a way, after the shit that's happened, I'm worried I don't have what it takes anymore, or right now. And they say, oh, work on yourself. Well, I have. OK, so I use speed. OK, so I like to drink wine. OK, so I do E and G when I can, which honestly has been like once a year. OK, I have a checkered past, and anyone who knows me can find out enough about it to cause them to totally judge. But fuck it, really, there's gotta be some people out there who understand that shit like that happens, or who don't judge like most people tend to.... I mean, I HOPE there are people like that. I know a few, but it's because I've known them a long time and i think they just know that I've been through a lot of weird shit and at heart I'm actually quite vanilla and normal.

But I do love my "drug" music. (Because people call electronica that, so whatever. whatever they call it, I love it, I'm a total DJ picky snob, and that's just what I like.) I'm probably never going to quit using forever. I don't mean I'll be using everyday forever, I mean I don't think I'll give it all up forever. I guess if I turn into a boring person and change a lot, I guess things happen, but now, I just can't see living these multiple lives to multiple people and all the lives are not full truths. I just feel so stuck and whereas in the past I had a boyfriend or a good friend to go through things with me, I don't now. I have a few friends who are on my side but they are not my best friend or boyfriend. I am just kinda alone in this right now and shit, if drugs kinda help me keep moving, then that's that.

It's not like I'm tweaking for 10 nights in a row, not eating, passing out on my floor naked because I'm too exhausted to make it to the shower. As that happened several years ago. I'm not even near that anymore. It's just being COMPLETELY clean and sober drove me completely insane.

 

I really don't go to clubs or raves anymore... most of my friends I used to go with have moved out-of-state or we drifted apart... and I'm on probation from my run in with the law last year, for 2 more years, so I'm not even supposed to legally go to places that serve alcohol or might have drugs around... yeah, say BYE to anything FUN in public anymore, I am 35 (turned 35 last week) and can't have a glass of wine without hoping some probation cop doesn't recognize me and bust me and send me back to jail. (OK not to mention if I was found with drugs, but I'll put that out of my mind.)


Yes it is everything in moderation. I got out of control several years ago, mainly tho it was from that damn car wreck that screwed my head up badly and I just started making bad decisions. I've been using speed again pretty regularly for about a month now after the year I had to take off, and I love how it does not make me like, HIGH, anymore. It just wakes me up enough to get my painful back out of bed to do things. I just got so used to the gogo-dancer lifestyle (cuz the more f'ed up you are and the more fun you are, the more $$$ you make) I was in for a few years.

I've been obsessing on the weight gain from the psych meds, I am SO friggin happy tho, I am only about 10 lbs away from my normal weight now. Yes, the speed helps of course. But my god I gained 40 lbs in like 3 months just from medication. And that was 30 lbs more than I'd EVER been close to, sober or not. It's been seriously the thorn in my side. I'm stoked I can wear my old size clothes again finally...

And though I had one date flake on me last week (again) I had a new one start asking me out, which honestly hasn't happened to me in a couple years (except for a guy in rehab I was with.) I do worry about what kinda guy is going to be able to accept my checkered past, cuz it's not really the kind that can keep hidden forever. Not like I killed anyone, but what guy is going to want a future mother of his kids to have sex tapes leaked on the Internet or a woman who has gone to jail, had drug issues, and has to live with her parents now...

I'm lucky to have a few friends who've known me for a long time and they've had some issues too, so we don't judge. But I'm kinda hurt at how MANY girls I went to high school and college with don't talk to me. Like, we're on Facebook together but they never comment on what I say, or try to talk to me, and i'm too worried now if I might say the wrong thing.

I HOPE I find someone, really, I've never been this single for this long in my life, it's depressing. I'm not desperate or out looking but it just gets damn LONELY!!!!

Anyway,thanks for the message. yeah I miss the parties, there were always awesome people there to talk to about ANYTHING. I've had to sorta party by myself or with just one other person lately, but it could be worse!