That song perfectly describes my relationship with the guy I've mention in this blog a few times. Well, now it's a non-relationship. But I finally figured out that it was just a summer fling and that's all it was ever meant to be.
We got in another fight last night; I've been so sick of his excuses for a long time now.I mean, the things he tells me are so inconsistent... I don't know what's true and what's not anymore. I trusted him more when I first met him than I do now, and that's sad. He used to tell me the truth, even if it was something I wouldn't want to hear. And now, I'm not sure if he can even keep track of his lies.
I have, though. I notice every time he tells me something that doesn't match up with things he's said previously. He does it with everything, even stupid things. For example. When I first met him, he had told me he won some acting competition that got him an agent, so he moved out here to LA because he really wanted to be an actor. When I got pregnant, that was his entire reasoning for making me have an abortion. Then, a couple of weeks ago we got in a fight like always, and he brought up his acting stuff for some reason... and it was a completely different story. Now it was this: "I never intended to stay in LA. I just got the opportunity to shoot a commercial; the plan was to come out here, make a few bucks, and go back home. I don't want to be some huge famous actor and live that lifestyle."
Wait - what the fuck? Living in your car, racking up a bunch of unnecessary debt, and basically forcing a chick to have an abortion that she is so adamantly against are all pretty extreme measures to take for something you now claim you don't even want... aren't they? Yes they are. If what you say is true, you shot your commercial over a year ago... so why aren't you back in Chicago already? Why did you shoot a pilot for ABC last week? Why are you still going on auditions? WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE IF YOU "DON'T WANT TO BE AN ACTOR"?!!!? Hello?! Do you think I'm a fucking retarded idiot or something? Of course I'm going to notice all of the blatant inconsistencies there.
Honestly, he needs to work on his acting skills. He sucks at lying. I swear, it's always back and forth. He lies, I get mad, I lash out, he grovels, we make up, possibly have sex or hang out a week later, the cycle repeats itself. And not only that, but he's just been acting really fucking WEIRD lately. I mean, completely out of NO WHERE last weekend while we were having sex, he just stopped. And then he goes, "Did I just have it in your ass?" No. "Are you sure?" Yes, I am sure - I think I would notice. "Seriously?" I finally had to turn around and tell him straight up "NO YOU WERE NOT FUCKING ME IN THE ASS JUST NOW" for him to stop trying to make a conversation out of something that didn't even happen. While we were in the middle of sex. And then he just kept going. Dude. How do you not know the answer to that question all by yourself? You're behind me, darling. You have a clear view of where your dick is and where it is not.
I honestly don't know what's gotten into him, with his fucking space cadet attitude and all of his lies and excuses lately, but I've been tired of it for a while now. I know I've said I was finally going to let him go a million times and that I've never followed through, but this time I'm just done for real. I've fought, I've held on, I've tried for as long and as hard as I possibly could. Just to be his friend, and it was never good enough. It was just a matter of time before one of us got sick of the toxic circles we run around in. Eventually someone was going to have to chuck up the deuces. I knew it, he knew it... and in cases like those, I'll be the first to leave, each and every time.
I have some pretty good karma. I can afford to burn a bridge or two. So I called him around 6 am when I knew he wouldn't answer, left him a voice mail, told him what's up. Said I was done with the entire screwed up situation, and that I didn't want him to call me back or text me with any excuses this time. I didn't want to hear the same old shit.
Here's the ironic part. I'm really hungover right now, which usually makes me more prone to anxiety; it hits me hard. I'm also out of Xanax. On a scale of 1 to 10, ten being the highest, my anxiety is at about a 2 or a 3. Of course I'm a little bit sad. It always sucks to say goodbye to someone who was a prominent part of your life at one point, even if it was toxic. You still get used to it and build a sort of routine around it. Taking away that routine is a bit like breaking a habit; all of a sudden, that specific constant in your life is gone, and you've stepped outside of your comfort zone a bit. I knew that when I decided this, and I honestly thought that finally letting him go was going to send my anxiety into overdrive and that I'd be crying and sad all over the place. I'm not, though. At least not right now. It feels a little bit like a weight has been lifted... it's like, even though I'm kind of sad to see him go, I'm finally free from all of the stress and tension he was putting me through on a daily basis. I don't have to worry about being lied to anymore, or where I stand, or what he thinks.
Once I get past the initial grieving period you go through after losing someone, I know I'm going to feel so much better. At the end of the day, regarding this situation, I'm going to be fine. Something is wrong when it becomes harder to hold on than to let go. But at least knowing that fact brings me some serenity, because therein lies the conviction that I'm doing the right thing for myself.
Sure, there were a few good moments. Like when one of our favorite songs would come on, and we'd both just jam out to it, not giving a shit how we looked or sounded. Or the times we would just smoke bowls and chill out. There were a few times when everything was great and we were just joking around and laughing, not a care in the world. I wish it could have been that way with all of the time, but it wasn't. It SHOULD have been, because that's what friends are supposed to do. But with him, there was far more anxiety and tension and us being upset with each other than there was fun and laughter. It got to a point where the good times couldn't outweigh the bad anymore.
I'll miss him for a while, but it won't be worth it. I have other people to have fun and laugh with. No matter how great the good times were, I've found out that with him, it was never worth all of the anxiety and how constantly upset I've felt for the last three months. To quote one of my favorite songs, "Don't waste your time on me, my friend. Friend... what does that even mean?" Lol. That entire song and music video perfectly describes us. Funny, I just noticed you even sort of look like the guy in the video... and minus the nose, her and I even have similar facial features, definitely have the same hair as her in that video... and a dress that looks exactly like that. Hah. Kelly Clarkson knows what's up. "The Loser Wins" is another fabulous song that comes to mind.
Anyways. Your time ended quite a long time ago, I think. This is the last time I will waste any of my breath or finger energy on you. Finally chucking up the deuces, it's long overdue. Goodbye forever.
We got in another fight last night; I've been so sick of his excuses for a long time now.I mean, the things he tells me are so inconsistent... I don't know what's true and what's not anymore. I trusted him more when I first met him than I do now, and that's sad. He used to tell me the truth, even if it was something I wouldn't want to hear. And now, I'm not sure if he can even keep track of his lies.
I have, though. I notice every time he tells me something that doesn't match up with things he's said previously. He does it with everything, even stupid things. For example. When I first met him, he had told me he won some acting competition that got him an agent, so he moved out here to LA because he really wanted to be an actor. When I got pregnant, that was his entire reasoning for making me have an abortion. Then, a couple of weeks ago we got in a fight like always, and he brought up his acting stuff for some reason... and it was a completely different story. Now it was this: "I never intended to stay in LA. I just got the opportunity to shoot a commercial; the plan was to come out here, make a few bucks, and go back home. I don't want to be some huge famous actor and live that lifestyle."
Wait - what the fuck? Living in your car, racking up a bunch of unnecessary debt, and basically forcing a chick to have an abortion that she is so adamantly against are all pretty extreme measures to take for something you now claim you don't even want... aren't they? Yes they are. If what you say is true, you shot your commercial over a year ago... so why aren't you back in Chicago already? Why did you shoot a pilot for ABC last week? Why are you still going on auditions? WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE IF YOU "DON'T WANT TO BE AN ACTOR"?!!!? Hello?! Do you think I'm a fucking retarded idiot or something? Of course I'm going to notice all of the blatant inconsistencies there.
Honestly, he needs to work on his acting skills. He sucks at lying. I swear, it's always back and forth. He lies, I get mad, I lash out, he grovels, we make up, possibly have sex or hang out a week later, the cycle repeats itself. And not only that, but he's just been acting really fucking WEIRD lately. I mean, completely out of NO WHERE last weekend while we were having sex, he just stopped. And then he goes, "Did I just have it in your ass?" No. "Are you sure?" Yes, I am sure - I think I would notice. "Seriously?" I finally had to turn around and tell him straight up "NO YOU WERE NOT FUCKING ME IN THE ASS JUST NOW" for him to stop trying to make a conversation out of something that didn't even happen. While we were in the middle of sex. And then he just kept going. Dude. How do you not know the answer to that question all by yourself? You're behind me, darling. You have a clear view of where your dick is and where it is not.
I honestly don't know what's gotten into him, with his fucking space cadet attitude and all of his lies and excuses lately, but I've been tired of it for a while now. I know I've said I was finally going to let him go a million times and that I've never followed through, but this time I'm just done for real. I've fought, I've held on, I've tried for as long and as hard as I possibly could. Just to be his friend, and it was never good enough. It was just a matter of time before one of us got sick of the toxic circles we run around in. Eventually someone was going to have to chuck up the deuces. I knew it, he knew it... and in cases like those, I'll be the first to leave, each and every time.
I have some pretty good karma. I can afford to burn a bridge or two. So I called him around 6 am when I knew he wouldn't answer, left him a voice mail, told him what's up. Said I was done with the entire screwed up situation, and that I didn't want him to call me back or text me with any excuses this time. I didn't want to hear the same old shit.
Here's the ironic part. I'm really hungover right now, which usually makes me more prone to anxiety; it hits me hard. I'm also out of Xanax. On a scale of 1 to 10, ten being the highest, my anxiety is at about a 2 or a 3. Of course I'm a little bit sad. It always sucks to say goodbye to someone who was a prominent part of your life at one point, even if it was toxic. You still get used to it and build a sort of routine around it. Taking away that routine is a bit like breaking a habit; all of a sudden, that specific constant in your life is gone, and you've stepped outside of your comfort zone a bit. I knew that when I decided this, and I honestly thought that finally letting him go was going to send my anxiety into overdrive and that I'd be crying and sad all over the place. I'm not, though. At least not right now. It feels a little bit like a weight has been lifted... it's like, even though I'm kind of sad to see him go, I'm finally free from all of the stress and tension he was putting me through on a daily basis. I don't have to worry about being lied to anymore, or where I stand, or what he thinks.
Once I get past the initial grieving period you go through after losing someone, I know I'm going to feel so much better. At the end of the day, regarding this situation, I'm going to be fine. Something is wrong when it becomes harder to hold on than to let go. But at least knowing that fact brings me some serenity, because therein lies the conviction that I'm doing the right thing for myself.
Sure, there were a few good moments. Like when one of our favorite songs would come on, and we'd both just jam out to it, not giving a shit how we looked or sounded. Or the times we would just smoke bowls and chill out. There were a few times when everything was great and we were just joking around and laughing, not a care in the world. I wish it could have been that way with all of the time, but it wasn't. It SHOULD have been, because that's what friends are supposed to do. But with him, there was far more anxiety and tension and us being upset with each other than there was fun and laughter. It got to a point where the good times couldn't outweigh the bad anymore.
I'll miss him for a while, but it won't be worth it. I have other people to have fun and laugh with. No matter how great the good times were, I've found out that with him, it was never worth all of the anxiety and how constantly upset I've felt for the last three months. To quote one of my favorite songs, "Don't waste your time on me, my friend. Friend... what does that even mean?" Lol. That entire song and music video perfectly describes us. Funny, I just noticed you even sort of look like the guy in the video... and minus the nose, her and I even have similar facial features, definitely have the same hair as her in that video... and a dress that looks exactly like that. Hah. Kelly Clarkson knows what's up. "The Loser Wins" is another fabulous song that comes to mind.
Anyways. Your time ended quite a long time ago, I think. This is the last time I will waste any of my breath or finger energy on you. Finally chucking up the deuces, it's long overdue. Goodbye forever.