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When I met you, you were living with your dad, and couldn’t hold down a job as a waitress. I gave you insurance, a place to live, a new car, and nursed you through your depression and anxiety. I paid for everything we did and never once asked for anything in return. You changed jobs 4 times a year. You almost never worked a 40 hour week. You never made more than $15,000 in a year, and most years you didn’t even make $10,000. FYI, people don’t live like you have for the last 8 years on that kind of money.

My family spent over $25,000 to get us married, and you acted like it was a burden for you to do the planning. I worked my ass off to provide for us and build a strong family, and you complained about having to move an hour and a half away. I waited on you hand and foot while you were pregnant, and you bitched that it wasn’t good enough, and never let me forget it. I took care of the baby after the birth, and you acted like it was a privilege.

After the birth you started to ignore me. The most obvious way was sexually, but your coldness was clear in other ways to. You stopped greeting me when I came home. You tried to avoid sleeping in the same bed. You didn’t care about anything I had to say.

Still, I supported you through nursing school. I paid the bills, and watched the baby, bending my schedule around yours in every possible way. I suspected it was your escape plan, but I took a chance on it anyway. I figured it was best to give you the option and see where it went. I didn’t say anything about you going out while I stayed at home with the baby, and let you have your space. You quit your job again, and took a job that kept you out all night and burdened our family more, and I said little. Then after three weekends of you not even coming home to sleep, I checked your phone, to find out you were courting another man. You told me it would get better. You told me to just hold on a little longer and you would come around. My family even paid for a cruise to try to help rekindle our marriage.

Then I caught you cheating on me a second time. Again you said it would be OK. You said that you loved me, and that you were in it for the long haul, and I tried to believe that. I tried to live with the coldness. I told myself that married couples don’t always connect, and that staying together was what was best for the baby, even if I wasn’t happy.

Then like clock work you graduated, got a job, and told me you wanted a separation. As soon as you didn’t need me you left. Now you’ll take the investment I made in you to another family, and you’ll leave me to piece together what I am left with. I have to be thankful that you didn’t rape me for more on your way out. Thank you for not being malicious. I don’t think you ever planned any of this. I don’t think you are evil, but I do think you are selfish. I will always question how you felt about me, and what things I didn’t catch you at. I don’t trust you, and I never will. I regret ever meeting you, and the foolish trust I gave you.

i put it in the microwave, pushed the numbers like BeEP bbeeepp BBEEEPPPP

and said, kill it gooood.

so i can only send one pm every 180 minutes.

Become a goddamn writer already.

Get yourself an IBM selectric III and a quality voice recorder, digital, analog, no fucking difference. DO IT NOW.

Write here everyday.

Use your current taper recorder to document casual conversations. I've done this once on a walk along the beach with a local head yesterday. The conversation turned out interesting, involving many in depth-experiences on homelessness and prison. Two subjects I mean to focus on intently in the future.

Writing Classes. FAFSA forms to fill out today. Lists of Nursing Homes in the area of which there are a plethora, a full-bore lot.

Just moved back from a 3 month stint in Lawrence KS, of which there were 4. Fucking 4. Bad move. But I'm here to stay and I'm reconnecting with old friends and enjoying some minor luxuries, free food (EBT), the occasional cannabis, chopin and a computer to fuck with since I broke both of mine in a drunken rage somehow. Must remember to cut a little water with that Wild Turkey I love so much.

I think that's all for now. Might take a walk. Les Ipsa Loquiter

S.A Viello

bad communication day. very bad. i don't know what the fuck was wrong with me. i managed to get into it with everyone. good job, go me! and the way things worked out is just so ironic, it couldn't be more ironic if someone set it up that way. i actually blocked someone's number today, this person was trying to give me something for nothing. and i was highly seeking that something to begin with. he irritated the bejesus out of me. well, i had told him from the beginning that Sagittarius and Taurus are not good together. so, whatever, probably the sooner the better. although what tomorrow shall bring is a good question.

also, the one person who i actually want to have sex with said he's coming by, way earlier in the day. and just as i gave up on it fully and got ready for sleep, so to speak, he texted and said he's on his way. now don't get me wrong, it's not a bad thing, but ready for sleep is not my most attractive state. and i'm likely to be very sleepy when and if he arrives. oh well. i told him so he knows what to expect. i have to say, even though he is not in love with me and i am with him and we have this twisted and fucked up non-relationship going on, sometimes, we have moments of love. just love. like, he knows that i love him pretty much unconditionally at this point. and that's a good thing.

wow and check this out, i just got auto-logged out and lost the end of my ranting. i guess it was meant to be then... c'est la vie.

It's later in the evening now and I'm starting to ache a fair bit. But it's not too bad and there's almost a bit of pleasure under the surface of the discomfort as I realize it's progress. I can't remember feeling excited in the last few years, about anything, maybe about getting home one long day to get high, but nothing more. Right now I feel excited..

So I know very well that just getting off the drugs is a small piece of the puzzle, I need to have a lifestyle that will support me being clean. I'm doing ok right now, I have my own place. I have a job I like and I earn a comfortable living from it.

But at the same time I'm really pathetic. I've not eaten well, I don't get much exercise. I don't have friends. I don't do much at all other than go to work and then just sit at home taking drugs.

I've been out grocery shopping. I have lots of fruits and vegetables, various things - mostly just using common sense, no processed things or junk food. I sometimes eat lots of junk food so I plan to eliminate sugar out of my diet as much as possible. One thing I personally enjoy is cooking actually. Most of the time I'm too lazy to do it, but the times I have, taking a recipe and putting in the effort to make something brings a lot more satisfaction than having a bag of doritos and a chocolate chip muffin for supper... That's something I've been thinking of too as an activity to pursue going forward, both for the health benefits and to keep busy. I'd even like to go take one of the kind of classes they have at the community colleges, general interest on all kinds of subjects like cooking, photography etc. for the fun of it and to even meet some people as well. I have some supplements too, I'll be having protein shakes, multi-vitamin, fish oil, anti-oxidants. I know a good diet is key.

And then - every single "how to kick" video on youtube mentions the same thing - exercising is so important. I'll be short on the pleasure chemicals for a while, and this will help add some. I used to be big into working out. I have got a membership at the rec centre, so I can go lift weights, do some cardio, swimming, hot tub, etc. I know damn well how much it can help. I can remember times after a good hard workout, sitting in the hot tub you have such a serene feeling, it's almost like a sort of euphoria. I'm really skinny too now, and I know most people put on weight after kicking drugs, so I want to be working hard so I can put on some muscle afterwards. I need to do some cardio training too, I don't have much endurance like I used to. I plan to start going to the gym after work each day.

Then I want to get out there, pursue some hobbies, meet some people. I want to take a class like I said, just basically get into some organized social activities. Doing volunteering work is often mentioned - helping people and good for networking. I'd like to meet a girlfriend even - that's an area where I'm probably weakest. I'm not some ugly socially inept guy. I was really shy and unconfident when I was younger, in school. Not anymore though, I mean I work in a very fast paced business environment where I need to be aggressive and where I deal with incredibly aggressive people. Yet asking some girl if I could take her out makes me really nervous. That's pathetic, I know I can do it, I gotta change. So that's a goal of mine. And then also just in general getting out there into situations where you deal with new people and make acquaintances. I'm not looking for some circle of buddies to go hang out with, go to bars or whatnot, that's not my style too much anymore. But I should have some people out there who I could be able to call a friend and do things with, and right now I don't. Part of it is that I moved a couple years ago for my work so I don't live in the same place I went to school and university in. But that's not a good excuse after this amount of time.

So damn, that's it really. It's not rocket science but obviously I've become fucked up enough that simple things like that are. I mean my place, I've spent the weekend cleaning up here, most of the time it's been a mess where I wouldn't even want to invite someone over, and that's bullshit. Plus having a nice orderly environment to spend time in if the physical aspect gets rough is sure to be much nicer than having to step over an obstacle course of clothes and junk on the floor everywhere you move - last year I threw my jacket on the floor and then later stepped on it and broke the screen of my cell phone in the pocket, how lame yes.... So today I pulled out the vacuum and toilet bowl cleaner, did the laundery, put on some music and got to work.

I think with these basic areas of focus - diet, exercise, and pursuing hobbies and social activities - I can get it done.

Game on then, I should go to sleep now. I have lots to take care of tommorow on Sunday. I'm starting to feel it a little more even from just going down 15%, but like I said, it's in some way a satisfying discomfort because I'm so sick of the life I've been leading and it means my reliance on a chemical is lessening.

I'm really looking forward to what I can acheive here. A little point to finish things off - I'm sure other people can relate to this. I've been using so long that I literally cannot truly remember what it was like when I was say 18 and had never touched any drugs, but still had fun doing things. I know I did. But today, say I'm going to go see a movie. That should be fun to most people, but for me it'll only be if I can swallow some pills after the lights go down. That's really bad. And is one great motivator for me to get off. But I know very well that given a bit of time and making the changes I've laid out, I'll get back there.

So these first two are the outlines, it'll be real life progress reports day to day from here on in. Hopefully I'll have lots of interesting things to write about. Good or bad I'll be including anything of importance. Thanks for reading.

So I thought I'd start off with a little overview of where I stand with my addiction and what the plan is for getting clean. I don't intend to go into details about specific drugs and dosages as we go here - my habit has consisted of various prescription or over the counter opiates, never anything illegal like heroin etc. I've never injected anything, it's been down the hatch, or up the other hatch lol.

To kick things off, today I decided to take a fairly big step down. I've reduced my dosage about 15% from what my average over the past year or so has been. I've tried a lot of times to follow a strict tapering plan, but it's never worked. I think the key is finding the happy medium between going so slow you take way too long to get things done and too fast where you suffer and get discouraged. So I'm going to make it two weeks to zero. So that amounts to about 7% reduction per day.

I'll be dosing twice per day, in the morning before I go to work, and then when I get home from work. Two equal doses. I've been doing three doses daily for quite a while, but I'm going to drop that because it ends up being pretty late in the day and I've always found that it interferes with the quality of sleep I can get when I take something within a couple of hours of going to bed.

I have some Kratom which I purchased a while back. I've actually had a cup of tea I made about twenty minutes ago and I find it provides a pretty mellow relaxed feeling, I feel quite good actually. But I've never found any kind of major euphoria like taking opiates, which some people have reported. So I think what I'll do is stick to my twice a day dose of opiates, tapering down, and then have a cup of kratom tea later in the evening before I go to bed. I don't use that much of it, basically a tablespoon of powdered leaf, not the extracts or anything.

I have Diphenhydramine 25mg tablets which I might use to help me sleep if that becomes a problem. I picked up some Aleve, which is naproxen sodium, I've never taken it before but I've read people reccomending it as being more effective than other OTC painkillers. I've read people reccomend loperamide, maybe I'll get some if I feel I need it. But it is an opiate I think and could set me back in the process of having my brain reset all those receptors back to a point where they can function naturally. And honestly after years of constipation having things moving along more regularly would be welcome, but I know if it gets severe it can lead to dehydration and needs to be addressed. I'm going to be adjusting my diet and taking some supplements, but I'll discuss that in the next post, which will be about the changes to my life I plan to make, this one here is just about my plan with regards to getting clean of drugs. If anyone has any other suggestions of importance I've missed, I'd greatly appreciate any advice.

I think this will be the right balance, this rate of tapering. The longest I ever went without during the last five years was three days, cold turkey. I could have gone through it, it was very unpleasent but certainly not unbearable. But honestly at that point I hadn't seen enough of the negatives of my habit so I wasn't motivated enough to get off. Now I have seen them, I'm wasting my life right now. I've become really pathetic in a lot of ways, it's sad, but my emotions feel numb, opiates do that to you. I remember when I quit for three days, at one point I was feeling awful but I had this sensation of emotion I'd been missing so long, I look forward to getting that back again.

So that's the plan. I'll post updates of my progress, how I'm feeling, what I've taken to deal with symptoms etc. I think I'd like to keep that up on a daily basis over the next couple weeks as I approach zero.

It's been a lonely habit. Me and me alone, nobody else knows what I've been doing. Maybe some have been suspicious, coming into work each day with pinhole pupils... That's telltale to those of us who know, but I think the average person doesn't recognize any of that. It would be nice to have some support from people I know, but I don't think I'd gain anything from sharing the truth, in fact I'd surely suffer being marked with that label, the average person is very close minded and unsympathetic to drug users. Writing this down feels good though, even if nobody reads any of this I think it will give me some motivation and allow me an outlet for my thoughts and feelings which I can't share with anyone personally. But if anyone is interested to follow a long a bit and share their thoughts it would be even better!

Thanks for reading,
I'm going to do it this time, I'm determined.

Greetings!

Today I am going to talk about a Research Chemical which is gaining slight popularity. The chemical in question is 5-MeO-DALT, a tryptamine which is considered to be an analogue of DALT. I have very recently come into possession of this compound, and since attaining it, have experimented with it a few times. I have yet to try this compound through oral administration, and my use up to this point has been limited to smoking the compound, using a glass rose (meth pipe) as my smoking device.

Before I really give any account of the effects of the chemical, I feel it's necessary to comment on the characteristics I have noted from dealing with it. It appears as a soft, fluffy, white crystalline powder. When smoked, the chemical immediately turns to a liquid after exposure to heat or flame, evaporating into a smoke rather quickly. This makes it nearly impossible to effeciently smoke off of aluminum foil. Now, the effects


Anyways, just thought I'd give my two cents about this chemical, since it is still relatively unknown. Check it out if you have the chance! I will update when I have experimented with it orally. Take care, and be safe bluelighters!

I am a bit benzo'ed out right now (for good reason though) so excuse me if this post is nonsensical. I thought about it BEFORE the Xanax bar worked it's way into my system and I was sober, so hopefully my revelation won't be lost in the haze and I can remember what I was trying to get at lol. I'll do my best.

The thing about addictive behavior, I believe, is understanding WHY you have said behavior in the first place. There are two types of people: recreational users who can control their drug use, and addicts. And whether it's accidental or not (i.e. you get addicted through a legitimate surgery and prescription your doctor kept you on, like in my case)... it never really IS accidental. It's just easier to believe that way.

Because the thing with addicts is, we ALWAYS have a reason for using our DOC. That reason is to cope. There are different things that different people cope with, and depending on that person's needs, I think that has A LOT to do with the substance they've chosen as their DOC. I currently went through something very traumatic recently (explained in my last blog - won't get into it much here), and unfortunately it took that experience in order for me to fully understand the hold opiates... and now benzo's, since opiates no longer work for me due to Suboxone... have on me.

In my case, it was because my dentist kept me on Vicodin FAR too long after my wisdom tooth surgery. To his credit, I did need it because I developed a dry socket. But did I REALLY need to go back every week, complain about pain that I could easily handle on my own, just to get a new script? No. No, I did not. The real reason was that the drugs were helping me to cope with some things I was going through at the time - PTSD, among a slew of other fucked up things.

And I realized, today, that once I had more or less squashed those feelings, through therapy (or at the very least made them manageable on my own), my usage declined quite a bit. Because I did not need to numb my emotions anymore. Ever since I started declining my usage, I've more or less gotten my life back on track. And I was ALMOST there. I should have been off of Suboxone this month. I was ready to say goodbye to benzos and opiates for good, because I was no longer stuck in my own personal hell without them.

Until, that is, a week ago. Until my "best friend" almost killed me. Until people started saying it was "hilarious". Until I realized that those were just the people saying it to my face - and that there are probably even MORE people disguised as "friends" who are secretly thinking it's "hilarious", if not wishing I had actually died - I'm sure Giselle does. Until my mind started reminding me every hour or so that there is a very good chance I wouldn't be here right now, had the paramedics arrived just a few minutes later. Until all of the above instantly reminded me of every single other fucked up thing anyone has ever done to me (which are just as traumatic, and won't get into them in detail, at least not now.)

And then, all of a sudden... I NEEDED some sort of chemical release. I was sitting on my couch about two hours ago, sinking into a really horrible depression - the kind of emotional pain that physically hurts, and makes you feel like there's a hole inside of you, and that you'll never be whole again, and that makes you almost wish they HAD killed you, because then at least you wouldn't have to feel this way. It would have been a painless death, too. I'm no longer afraid of death, although I used to be horribly afraid of it. But now I know that when you're dying, it seems your brain shuts off all of your pain receptors and renders you unconscious. Because, honestly, I didn't feel a thing. I would have died, and not even realized it, and not felt any pain from it. But alright, I'm not going to go there.

So there I was on my couch, curled up in the fetal position, trying to breathe and hold myself together, trying to just be strong and let the pain overwhelm me and then tough it out... when I figured out that I don't NEED to feel that way. Isn't it human nature to shy away from pain? To me, it seems like if you have a surefire way to eliminate the pain, it would be masochistic not to employ it. And I am not a masochist. So I decided that because I wasn't the one to inflict this amount of mental anguish on myself, I didn't deserve to have to suffer through it if I didn't have to, and I went and popped a Xanax bar.

And while everything isn't perfect just because I took the Xanax - my problems are still there - I've just bought myself a few hours of release. Of no emotion. Of no more pain, no more suffering. Of just being numb, and not having to feel. And of maybe, possibly, giving me enough strength to see that there are good things in life that I can try to be happy about while I go through this.

I guess it's not as much of a relevation as I thought, but I DID understand my addiction in that moment. It completely stems from knowing I don't have to suffer if I don't want to.

People sometimes cover their addiction up. They say, "I just wanted to get high". But ask yourself this... WHY do you want to get high? Really ask yourself that, and be honest with yourself. While it may or not be out of boredom, I have a feeling that it's because you just wanted to feel good. And imo, people who already feel good don't need to take any sort of substances in order to feel even better, because they're already "high on life". I'm not saying this to offend anyone or to get anyone's backs up, but I believe it's something to think about at the very least. Just my two cents.

xBC

Thanks to a_c for posting the original!

1. what is one of your favorite childhood memories?
Hm, tough one. I'll have to come back to this.

2. how does your life compare to your life 10 years ago?
Ten years ago I had just been required to withdraw from univeristy, was working a meh job in a cafe, partying all weekend every weekend, hung out on BL and generally hated myself. Now I like myself a bit more, enjoy my work (more or less), play an instrument, am a lot more fit and healthy and generally have gotten better at life. Still hang out on BL a fair bit though

3. what does your wallet look like?
It's a stainless steel woven fabric wallet. Looks like this:



It is awesome.

4. favorite pizza toppings:

A really good margherita is nice, or a 'veggie plus' from the mom and pop place down the street: bell peppers, onions, mushrooms, broccoli, olives and lots of fresh garlic with a ton of cheap mozza. Horrible for me, but every now and then it just hits the spot.

5. list 2 truths and lie. people can guess in the comments which is lie

• I think it's hilarious that people still watch tv or read newspapers.
• I love dogs, but will likely never own one.
• To celebrate the completion of my kitchen renovation, I'm in the middle of baking a delicious cake.

6. how many email addresses do you have?

3 active accounts, 2 rarely-used ones (including a PATRIOT-exempt gmail account that I really need to migrate to)

7. do you pee in the shower?

Sometimes, but only ever in my own shower. Peeing in a public shower or someone else's is just kind of a dick thing to do.

8. name 3 websites you frequent (besides BL)

Astronomy Picture of the Day (NASA outreach)
Herbivoracious (vegetarian cooking blog)
Clean, Green, Simple (vegan cooking/clean living blog)

9. what is your favorite word? why?

Another toughie. In terms of words that I use often, I've been big on 'awesome' lately, to the point where it's losing meaning. From an 'I like this word, but don't use it often' standpoint... I can't think of just one that stands out. Excise, transusbstantiate, intransigent, extrinsic, deleterious and disingenious all come to mind. I love language, and wordplay.

10. where is some place you have always wanted to go?

Antarctica. Deep within the mainland, none of this 'right at the tip of the penninsula, just so that I can get my passport stamped for traveller cred' nonsense.

I am dosed on sedatives but sleep won't come. Got a set of Mel brooks dvds to watch. Only got my phone to write with...I wish I had my laptop. I need to write my heart out.

Now that I am living off the grid (without commercially provided electricity or other utilities), I have been in the habit of going to bed soon after dark. But sometimes depending on when the moon rises and sets, I stay up late to look at the sky. Late night for me is around 8 or 9 PM. Or I wake and go outside early, nowadays around 3 am. That is early enough to give me plenty of time to look at stars before the sky becomes murky around 4 am.

In the morning my routine is to go outside with a start chart and a red light and spot the labelled constellations (e.g. Orion, Gemini, Taurus, and the Pleiades which are the most prominent eastern constellations about this hour). Then I consult a more detailed star atlas for the major stars, nebulae and Messier objects. I have already learned the constellations and many of the stars and other objects that I can spot with the naked eye or even binoculars -- their names, positions within their respective constellation, and some astronomical trivia about them. Then I build a fire in the wood stove in the cabin for making breakfast and coffee. That, and I have taken up daily (early morning) meditation practice using the meditation techniques I learned in the Buddhist (Tibetan) church that I used to attend.

So I'm pretty close to hitting a wall with respect to the usefulness of the 50x Bushnell field binoculars. I've spotted nearly everything interesting that they are capable of resolving. So I would like to have a telescope. My requirements are that the telescope have a large aperture, a couple of eye pieces, and excellent optics. It has to be rugged and cheap to buy or build. Because of the lack of electricity here -- obviously there is no solar power at night, and the batteries that have been charging all day won't power anything power-hungry for long, my telescope cannot be motorized or computerized. As for prices, most good ones start at around $4000 new.

Strangely, it is kind of hard to find a telescope without a either a computer or motor drive built into it at any price. Even beginner telescopes with crappy optics have these features (computers, tiny digital cameras, and motors). Manufacturers must have conspired to include these bells and whistles so that they can jack up the price by another $1000 or more. By the way, those features are only needed by a very few hobbyists -- those who are into astrophotography or maybe comet hunters or something. But I think the advertising targets those who can't or won't use star charts and the spotting scope that is traditionally mounted on the side of the main tube of most telescopes.

Maybe on Craigslist I can find a good used one for 500-1000. But I would have to deal with transportation to the seller (finding a ride and driving for hours), testing it on a star to check for flaws in the optics. Or, I could build one from readily available parts.

A backpacker I met on the Pacific Crest trail was telling me that a good, easy to build telescope is the Dobsonian telescope. This telescope features a simple design and was popularized by the amateur astronomer John Dobson starting in the 1960s. Dobson's telescope is a base-mounted (alt-azimuth) Newtonian (reflecting) telescope. It is easy to manufacture from readily available components, and is large, portable, rugged, and low-cost. It would cost $200 to build (less if I can manage to grind my own mirrors). And it is easy to set up (collimate) on a first star viewing.

Not only that, but the design is optimized for visually observing faint, deep sky objects such as nebulae. This type of observation requires a large objective diameter (i.e. light-gathering power) of relatively short focal length. Also, I think it is useless in light-polluted urban areas, so the portability was needed (Dobson lives in San Francisco.) for travel to relatively less light polluted locations.

Anyway, researching a design, gathering the parts, and building my own is going to be my project for a couple of days this month.

Nothing else for it but to watch dads army and drink cocoa. Maybe have a cheeky valium to silence this busy head of mine. Tomorrow I will write about what ails my heart.

So much of you all know I have a girlfriend. Well things wasn't so bad at first, we both had time where we could spend almost all day everyday together.. Now things have changed, I just recently started work at a new job, and I'm working evenings. from 4pm-close(which is around midnight), and my girlfriend is working day shifts, like 9am-5pm.
Since started this job we havnt been able to spend much time with each other, and its like we are geting further distant apart..
I have feelings for this girl, we've already had sex a few times, and it's not like I don't care for her, which I really do care for her. I hope she feels the same way about me.
I'm not the kind of guy that's violent or abusive, I concider myself sweet, kind hearted, and gentle. I don't come off as the kind of guy that has anger problems.
So starting this job.. we havn't seen much of each other, last time I saw her was 3 days ago when we both spent some time together, like not even a few hours.. we did make love, and that was it.
What i'm getting at is this emotion i'm going through atm, its hard to explain.. the text messages and phone calls are getting shorter and shorter, and later and later in the night because of work.
The feeling i'm going through is almost a void feeling.. i feel alone, and heart broken. I still think we are still girlfriend and boyfriend, she hasn't said or done anything yet. It's almost like i'm hurt, love struck, but then it's going sour.
Since I don't do drugs anymore this shit is really pressuring me, I don't want to use or anything, I know for a fact if I use over this then I'll overdose. I tend to always do more, espically when i'm going through this kind of shit.
I just hope and pray that she doesn't break my heart. Should I get ready and prepared for the end of the relationship? I've never gone through one of these sober, I don't want to do something that I regret.

I really hope it doesn't go that way, I don't know what will happen.. It's like you tell a girl/guy you love them, and mean it, and have all of those strong emotions there that make u reallyy happy. but when it all the suddon ends abrutly ur left with that ache and pain, where i'd trade physical pain for that kind of shit anyday of the week.

I don't know.. I want to be with her, I really do! I love the girl, like love her with my heart. I don't think i've shown any signs of coming on to hard, or being to big of a pussy or less of a man. i'm not controlling nor am I always pestering her, I worry when I don't hear from her.. mostly because we are both in the program, and both have drug problems, so when i dont hear from her i always think of the worse..

hope things go alright. :/
god please give me a sign, if shes the right one for me in my life. show me how to become a better man, not only in her life but in my life. teach me how to become that special someone in her life.
-drew

I still have not completely recovered. Writing this brought up some old memories, but I just am no longer really sad. I just feel intense loss. I'm working on stuff still. I need to wake up and live,and stop thinking about my terrible choices. I still do opioids, but I don't pay for them, and usually rotate on and off in two week cycles. I stopped smoking weed. It just made me anxious, and my thoughts run. Citalopram (AntiD) made me feel suicidal which is far from me. Stopped it immediately. I take temazepam and clonazepam but not as prescribed, luckily I don't get much, so no large quantity to fuck myself with. Opioids are starting to rapidly get old. I don't pay for the ones I get (well I sell enough to make a few bucks and just keep 150 + pills), which makes stopping harder, but I'm sick about only caring about the next date they are available. At the same time I dread not having access to them. heh, I read what you wrote about bring addicted to cocaine when 17, same here. Stopped that year too. I did weigh 270 at one point, after my dad died my appetite left me. I was down to 160 at one point, so unhealthy. My appetite only increased about a month ago. No idea why. What I really lack is purpose, motivation. Watching DVRed shows is not purpose.

I had accepted my fate to die in those apartments. I'm so glad that didn't come to pass.

Both times I've taken classes I've just stopped going. What a waste. I will complete what I started... eventually. Some of the last advice my dad gave me was very applicable: "I don't care what youty choose to do, just do it," in his typical non-judgmental style.

I feel for you about people offering their help and not meaning it. Every time one offered me "anything I needed," I wanted to return with my Dad's classic humor "ok, I'll take your house keys, car title, and bank accounts, thank you for being so kind." I wouldn't give up in trusting everyone however.

As for your mother feeling pain, or having many coherent thoughts before dying, she probably went unconscious so rapidly, I doubt it. I feel for you and my brother, finding them. But you should be assured that unless you had a working defibrillator right there, it was futile.

I'm curtis what you think about what I've said, and look forward to your reply!

On May 30th of this year, my son Caleb died of an overdose. I was the last person to talk to Caleb and it was I that found his body some 12 hours later. Looking back now, I realize that is a complete circle for us, mother and son, as I was also the very first person to speak to Caleb, and to experience his body as it developed within mine.

I started to record my memory of naming Caleb over in the TDS bereavement thread and someone kindly suggested that it was perhaps a blog. It makes sense as what I want to do is to record these feelings and memories in small bits; the enormity of my feelings, of a whole lifetime of love, struggle, profound connection and equally profound disconnection feels too overwhelming to even think about in one whole piece, let alone try to express.

So here is my memory #1, copied and pasted from the bereavement thread. From now on I will just post them here.

Memory:
When I was pregnant with Caleb, I was in my late thirties so I wanted to have testing to make sure everything was okay. He was our second and therefore last child (both my husband and I are big believers in zero population growth). Since we already had a son we were hoping for a daughter. As we were driving up to the city to get the test, I told my husband that I had seen a name in a children's book that I really liked if it was another boy: Caleb. As soon as I said the name, I knew right then and there that was who I was carrying. When I told my husband he said that I couldn't know, but I did. I can still remember everything about that moment. I remember the autumn light and exactly where we were on the coast highway and the way it felt like the world shifted when I said the name, to make room, to open up a space for him. From then on I talked to Caleb by name. I told him that it was true that I wanted a daughter but that I would get over it and not to worry that he was, or could ever be a disappointment to me. I made him that promise before I ever saw him and I did keep that promise. That makes me feel very good.

I just read your post in TDS and was absolutely shocked at the similarity of our experience losing a parent. Maybe it will be helpful to you, or not. Reading your post in the bereavement thread and reading a few of your big posts was very insightful to me, helping examine possible unacknowledged thoughts. I may have rambled excessively, I'll let you decide, but at least read the first paragraph. I hope anything written helps us both.

My father died October 09'. His autopsy said he died from coronary artery disease. He want in the best all around health, however, he had nothing which would have pointed to such a sudden death. He died in bed. While I was not there (I was and currently live with my mother), my twin brother was. He heard a strange sound while reading around 4am in the living room. I can only believe that this was the end. My brother was there, and heard, and gave CPR. An ambulance got there within minutes. My father had many positive things in his favor and it was still quite futile. You must accept that although you were there, the type of heart attack she likely suffered was so massive (the kind where the heart just isn't just blocked but starts fibrillating in such a way that no blood moves at all) but nothing but defibrillation, within the maximum of two minute or so, would had even the slightest chance of helping, possibly significantly less time. He was Jewish as well, and from New York. (see what I mean about parallels?)

I was awoken at around 4am to my mother telling me my father wasn't breathing. I was shocked, but at that point could still cling to a sliver of hope. My mom sure could not drive, she almost created backing out of the driveway. They put us in a 'family room' (I assume that is code for 'the room which prevents the rest of the hospital from feeling any unpleasantness.) My brother arrived about thirty minutes after us. I figured this was a good sign, if they took so long it's because there was something to take a while doing. Not true at all. At all. It was probably about fifteen more minutes until three doctors scaled through the door. This was very bad. Irrational hope about to be wiped away. More parts then I was aware existed, were instantly broken. I did not find my fathers body so I cannot relate to that, I'm sure my brother could. I spent the next hour or so crying on my fathers chest. I took of the silver chain with a silver mezuzah on it from around his neck and put it on. His blood was on it, probably from a line they inserted in his neck. I asked the person (once my closest friend), to take me home. He was the only person I called to come to the hospital. I went home. Everything moves in slow motion. I smoke a cigarette and wait to wake up from this nightmare. No such luck. I spent many weeks not eating, or eating tiny amounts. I couldn't truly do justice to the feeling penetrating me, my poor words and human ability are but adequate. I am sure you can relate. I felt guilty. My parents had just gotten back from working their second job together the night before. My father was a forensic psychologist, my mother a master social worker. I heard then walk in and him leave, I laid in bed although probably around 8pm (circadian rythm fucked). I missed the last opportunity, ever, to say something, anything, to my father. Other than that I felt no emotion. I simply was not here, no way. I wanted to feel something. I took 80mg of oxycodone. I felt absolutely nothing from an amount I most certainly should have felt. I actually was glad. I didn't want to feel good.

Sureal.

I later felt anger towards the woman my father was dating. He had been stressed out from working to jobs. He had been helping her write her doctoral dissertation. This extra stress pushed him over the top? Dunno. My mother treated her nicer than she probably deserved, including her in his memorial service like family, Later my mother later told me she had hinted at not getting any money. The next day my mother gave her a check to help with her rent at her stupidly expensive apartment, because she had taken off work to write the dissertation. WTF? Money? I'm sure my mother will never see that money she leant her, out of her own pocket. so it goes.

The memorial was on a saturday. I read the mourners prayer in English, my uncle from Brooklyn read it in Hebrew. I saw people I had not seem in many years. I later felt bad I had barely interacted with some of them. I drowned out some emotional thought by writing for days scanning family photographs. Nothing like going through old pictures long since seen to make you sob uncontrollably. I probably shed my weight in tears.

The memorial was over. Relatives left. My broken heart was all that remained. Who was I going to talk to about philosophy, personality theory, life, proofread college papers? My mom is quite intelligent, but on philosophy she is unyielding to Christianity, preventing any semblance of decent discussion. Shit, without my Dad's English degree I wondered whether I wrote A + papers or it was due to his assistance. I haven't found out. Like you I have not advanced in school. I worked for a, while but haven't worked in probably 1.5 years. I'm finally coming around to being able to continue my life, but it had taken time.

Here's where we line up with drug use due to grief and maybe not do healthy choices. Within a few months I had 50k in my account. No 21 year old should have under money when they have lost hope. I started doing any drug I could do. This was the first time I'd ever experienced stimulant psychosis. I also did phenazepam, making me say idiotic things and make life stuck for whoever had to deal with my benzoed ass.

I searched for a man who had gotten his PhD with my dad. They hadn't talked for a long time (my dad sucked at maintaining social contacts, and had a lot going on). He was head of the psychology department at a major medical school in my city. The man helped a bit, but I figured he would, my dad had really liked him, and I see why. The guy had gotten his Phd in philosophy and refused he didn't wans go there so went back for psychology. Crazy. Every time I spoke with him I was strung out on methadone.

Drugs, drugs, DRUGS.
My mom told me my drug addled mind africa were getting quite thin and told me if I continued she would ask me to move out. I was furious. I told her I would move in days. I told the psych I, was talking to, it was find. Ohhhhhhh, I wish I had been thinking clearly. Things would not be fine. I'm not sure I've ever been much more wrong.

I moved into another city about ten miles away but the ghetto. Driving up to my apartment I was greeted with a sign announcing it was a high drug area. I'd never even seen something that said that. Everyone I met was poor, and the value of life was immensely cheap with these people. I started iving heroin, I tried speedballs, I filled this shit little apartment with stupidly expensive electronics and narcotics. I started taking to a neighbor and hanging out with him. He seemed cool. He stole my pure phenazepam. He probably ingested 100 + milligrams. Probably deserved it. I lent people I barely knew money from my money pit. I can relate to your post about trying to be nice and honest, and getting fucked over for putting out my hand. Shit just got crazier. I did large qualities of drugs mainly opioids (oxy/methadone). I luckily didn't start banging them.

Some one lit my fathers car on fire in the parking lot. My last place which reminded me of him. I was super paranoid and say on my couch with a tactical shotgun ready to fire. I was arrested for traffic tickets and few thousand dollars of stuff was stolen from my apartment.

Kindly my mom let me move back in, if she hadn't, I'd be deceased. I had no more money. 50k in less than a year, nothing productive, grief blocked with drugs, and no job. This was bad. I still cried myself to sleep (this was august 2010). This stopped after a few months. I was in a safe place. Finally, I could think.

My point with my personal part if if you have not had some sort of time to evaluate your emotions while sober for two or so weeks, you should consider it. I was able to reflect deeply. I had thought that nothing really was worth doing, I'm jyst nis getting over that. I became a nihilist, which I was not even close to before. I remembered the phrase my father and I had discussed from Ecclesiastes: the vanity of vanities, ALL is vanity. This was not comforting. My Mom's Mother always told her the phrase "this too, shall pass." This sounds comforting, but is also of Jewish origin, and more deeply refers to mortality. GOD, do the Jews have any comforting phrases? I questioned my beliefs. I had professed atheism, but now consider my self more properly agnostic. Still, I pondered my Jewish heritage, my name is Ben after the Jewish tribe I descend from. Far more appealing than Christianity where some people assert, Jews, for sure go to hell.

Well last night wasn't the pain relief I thought it would be. I got maudlin on wine and had to go to bed. Woke up today feeling tired and hopeless.

Today I'm trying to get the flat tidied up and I'm going to stay at my parents house because it's Mum's birthday tomorrow and we're all going out for lunch.

I did a bit of shopping. I bought Mum an amber and silver necklace. I bought myself some nag champa incense and an indian print cotton throw for my bed. I felt faint nostalgia, I got it from the same place that I got one for Wood Street all those years ago. I wonder if it's still up there. No, I don't. I don't care and I don't want to know.

I bought a tunic dress with big floaty sleeves and a pair of brogue style shoe boots. They'll look cute if I need to look dressy.

Today's outfit was fun. Leggings, denim skirt, black top with zips on the shoulders and a big blue and grey stripey jersey. It's what I would class as a casual outfit but maybe it's still too esoteric for Galashiels. I don't know. It shouldn't matter but it does.

I'm back home now listening to Squeeze's greatest hits on vinyl. I love it. I'm listening to Cool for Cats just now. The thumping bass always makes me want to dance. To be honest I did dance. My living room window is low and looks onto the main road so I try hard not to look like an arse unless the curtains are shut. People are always looking in despite the net curtain.

I got a big canvas and a couple of small ones, and I got some more acrylic paints. The big canvas is going to be one of my primitive looking efforts. Not sure about the other two smaller ones though.

Just wish I wasn't so tinged with blues.

should not phase me anymore, but I'm pretty reliable and I expect the same from others. Maybe I'd have a lot less frustration in my life if I just ASSUMED the shit that pours out of peoples' mouths is just that: BULL - SHIT.

The only thing keeping me from going off the deep end right now is my dog, because if something happened to me, my dog would be fucked. Some days I really wish I didn't have a dog..........

Fuck it. My heart hurts. I'm so lonely. I just can't deal with people. It's so much easier to be alone. I just sometimes wish there was someone to hold me and protect me because I'm tired of being brave.

It's just me, a bottle of red, a packet of l&b and Morrissey.

And my guitar.

I could howl at the moon.

Went downtown to the courthouse to file a motion in family court for Sole Custody of my son because of his dead beat lack of good judgement dad. Damn, that sounds like I have a grudge, when really I don't. I could care less about him and I am doing this for the health and welfare of our son. Okay and somewhat safety. Long story in which I can't write out right now because I should be sleeping/napping.

Lets just say, nothing filed. Lawyer left early and 3hrs wasted I feel.

Monday I will be leaving right after I drop off Austin. Starting it first thing. Might get Sandra to drop off Austin at school. Get gone at 8:30am and be downtown for when everything opens at 9am. We'll see though.

I hope he just signs it and agrees to everything and doesn't put up a fight. I think he won't put up a fight but then again he might because Sandra is now in our life.

The Sandra aspect could cause MUNDO issues. She uses weed, she has had a child taken away by child services, former addict, mental health issues that are untreated, untreated lots of things. She has her own place BUT stays alot with us and basically lives with us. So technically doesn't live with us but we planned on moving in together next September/October and so on the document it asked if living arrangements will change in the foreseeable future. I said no. In reality it COULD change but in a way I feel like I lied because if things work out well with sandra and i we WILL be living together and really we do now too....though she h s her own place.

I dunno. Will get legal rep. to talk it over with and see what goes down.

Will update more another time.

Last night was fun, we went out with friends and went around the neighborhood for candy with spawn #2, he had a blast and got pooped out around 9pm (we left around 645pm). He got a HUGE bag of candy that SHOULD last him a couple months. Will it, OH HELL NO. It will be gone in a couple days IF we're that lucky. Surprised it wasn't mauled off last night.

Spawn #2 dressed as a Ninja, I was "Joe", and my gal was an embarrassed kitty.

One time. Thats all it was, one hit, one time. But apparently after all my experience in psychedelics, smoking weed is the one thing that can make me flip out. Ive read thats what can happen if you quit smoking and then try it again. Some people just freak out. Honest to god it was like i was on 45 mg 2C-I with the headspace of acid. Crazy CEVs. Crazy tachycardia. I llooked like a fool too. I went back to the high state where I think i know pretty much everything, so I was basically an arogant, high mess. Thats why I quit smoking weed in the first place.

It seems that one hit of a spliff caused a reawakening of the manic episode I had just spent 3 months trying to kill.

So the next day I began loading myself up on Zyprexa and got a friend to convince me to get rid of all the drugs I have. So I hand off a lot of moneys worth of RC's to another friend, and that leaves me here. Im basically trying to keep active and enjoy being sober for a while. Im even going to Charleston SC with a group from my school.

But man its so disappointing, I feel like im stuck in the same place I was 3 months ago.

My heart's been broken all these years.

In January it smashed. That month reeks of whiskey and tears.

I get by, every day I fight, but increasingly it feels like I'm existing rather than living.

I don't understand why being alone has to be so lonely.

Every now and then I feel good. Dancing round the living room with a glass of strawberry wine. Listening to a record that I love.

I think tonight I'm going to tune up my guitar, open a bottle of wine and sing my fucking heart out.

I don't think I belong anywhere or with anyone. There was a man once... but I fucked that up... he found something to erase any memory of me... I'll never be tiny or blonde or sweet faced or loveable...

Love has turned to anguish and I'm trapped in the amber of the past... slowly fossilizing... my blood hardening in my veins...

The survival instinct exists... but the heart is failing...

So in this particular entry, I will discuss my personal accounts of the drug marijuana, and the synthetic cannabinoid's which rose in popularity and use in early 2008 (in Louisiana, anyway) because of their availability as a legal alternative to marijuana, consisting of various synthetic RC's (research chemicals) sprayed or soaked into various plant matters, all of which were marketed and sold under the guise of "incense blends."

Marijuana (THC)
I first started smoking marijuana when I was 15 years old, and still do today (and will probably continue so all throughout life if possible). From the very first time I used it, I prefered it ten-fold to alcohol. It wasn't as innebriating, and I found it to synergize incredibly with my creative outletting, as well as my overall laidback persona. To this day, I have yet to find a drug which is free of consequence such as weed, especially because of all the aspects of my life it remedies, including my insomnia, anxiety, and mild-depression. Weed is one of the most versatile drugs I have used, with different strands and potencies being useful in ways another strand won't. Overall, I believe that weed is one of the most beneficial psyoactive substances that can potentially be as widely used as weed would be if it weren't illegal. The legality of weed is probably the only hazard that comes with its use. There's not really too much perspective to offer about marijuana, because I doubt there are going to be a significant amount of people who have used an array of psychedelics and other drugs, but have voided ever using weed.

Synthetic Cannabinoids (JWH-018, etc)

Synthetic cannabinoids are, for the most part, not a very accurate depiction of THC. One exception, I must say, is JWH-018, which was the original synthetic cannabinoid commonly used and sold in many countries as "incense." The first time using JWH-018, I was thrown back by how stoned I got. I got the munchies like a motherfucker, probably even worse than I would smoking some bubble-hash. Nowadays, long after the USA emergency sheduled JWH-018, most legal incenses (containing various AM-xxx, JWH-xxx, and RUA-xxx chemicals) have evolved into a much more potent and hallucinogenic-type high than weed could ever offer. Smoking these new blends, I (at first) would get so blown, that it would set off a discomfort within myself...a very sharp sensation of impending doom. After letting tolerance diminish this anxiety, I can now enjoy these blends free of all fear. It's actually pretty enjoyable, though in my opinion, it lends itself to replicate the feelings of a mild psychedelic than the miniscule hallucinogenic effects of marijuana. This is not a problem for me. Nowadays, I much prefer smoking these blends in combination with psychedelics or dissociatives, than I would with weed. My criticism of these substances is that they are not in any way, shape, or form as calming as marijuana, often repelling people (usually girls, lol) from really taking a liking to it. Also, considering a large portion of people using these blends find them to be a better alternative to experimenting with weed in the first place. This could very easily give them assumptions in which they would apply to weed, which is not only inaccurate, but unfair towards these users, because they may never try smoking weed based off of what these blends made them feel. Overall, I feel like well-versed drug users can easily digest these compounds, and may even find them more appealing than weed. On the other hand, though, these blends are not something I would recommend to inexperienced drug users, or people with anxiety issues, or heart problems (because they tend to call attention to your heartbeat when high doses are used, which is pretty dreadful if you're already paranoid about your heart because you'll be high as fuck thinking your dying....seen this happen so many times). Also, as with any research chemical, the effects of using these chemicals, especially smoking them, are unknown. Just a word of caution.

I hope this entry was somewhat interesting to some of you out there. In my next entry, I'll start to give my experience with some drugs used by a much smaller population of people! Take care!