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People say that expressing yourself is a good way to deal with your demons, so why not give it a chance.

I have been done with my vacation at a certain downtown facility, where they give 3 hots and a cot, for a few days now, and still havent looked for the MAN with the master plan. Eventhough my body still aches, I just cannot chance it. As I ponder this last run, I think to myself, what if.

What if in 1995 my buddies and I didnt start to go to the parties to "hang out" and have a good time. I am from a part of DAYGO where we are known for getting fucked up. Maybe if I didnt go to them festivities, maybe I would have gone to college eventually. Or maybe if I didn't pursue the ultimate high for the years after.

I remember at one of the festivities, while drinking, or maybe we were just bored, I cant remember to long ago, we had a buddy who had some green and we smoked it. I fell in love with that sweet leaf and continued to use that bitch everyday for over 12 years. I had another buddy who scored some pills from his parents, that was pretty groovy too. I did pills anytime I could after that. I went to a bunch of hippy shit like drum circles and such and we found her big sister LSD and Mushrooms and Mescaline and whatever can make you trip balls.

The first time my buddy and I tried LSD was in LV. Found it off some hippy looking dudes from Iowa or some other bumb fuck (not trying to insult) state. The shit was so good, it must have been a 12 hour peak. Shit was moving constantly. Volcanoes blowing up looked so awesome, actually any of those trippy LV strip features that went off in 97 were a fucking trip. I had to find this high again, never did find that high grade of LSD though.

Went back home and got into the drug hippy culture big time, I took acid everywhere. At school, on the bus, going for a walk, shit even at church. LSD just made everything better, and I usually had a bud to take some with me. Shit was cheap back than too.

One time my buds and I wanted to go trip in the dessert. Couldnt find any LSD on the holiday weekend. But one bud said, "We can get Meth." I was already opassing out so I was like, "I'll do whatever, but I wont be awake for it." He said not to worry. He was fucking right.

We got spun out on route * between county lines right off the freeway in a tent. This was about mid 1997 or the fall, hard to remember. At first you just do some once in awhile. Than the days that you dont do it get shorter and the days that you are on it get more and more, if you know what I mean. About a few months after graduating in 1998, I was a flown blown tweaker.

Just a side note, i had a friend take me to TJ to try this drug he used to do up North. You can get clean rigs in TJ at any pharmacia. You can get whatever dope you want at any bar or shop in TJ. I tried it once and loved it. Just didnt have a dealer in the good ole US, yet.

I rob, I hustled, I kicked a lot of peoples asses (I'm kind of a big dude) and I hated myself big time. My family started to realize something was wrong, but they had other things going on. I come from a big family, with a lot of problems. But any who. It started to get that if you were going to my house to hang, you were getting lit. And the PARANOIA kicks in hard. Everyone is out to get you. Even thoughs fucking shadow fucks outside the fucking window. So after 2 solid years of destroying myself, at 160 lbs (6'2" big build) I was ready to quit. The family was ready for me to quit too, and made me gio to rehab when I wanted to go.

That was in 2001. I am free of my 2nd addiction. But I smoked pot everyday still in rehab. I was the only one not drug tested because I was the only one not court ordered in rehab. haha. Coke was always around too, but I never really did too much, cost topo much. But if it was there I'd do it too. But hey, Im off the fucking Meth at least doing it everyday. I still fucked with it once in awhile. But I never was like I was. I could say no if I wanted too. Really wierd.

In the beginning of 2001 I met her. The most beautiful woman ever. I wanted her, but it would take me the rest of the year to get her. She was a few years younger but I fucking wanted her and eventually got her. We went to this Halloween party that year, and that was when we hit off. She even could drink more beer than me. I was just out of rehab, but was eating normal again, so I wasn't too fucked up looking. The next few years were the happiest I have ever been. Shit ever since than, I have been lucky to have her.

I got my shit together, kind of. Got a great job in a growing industry that was booming in So Cal in the early 2000s. I made a shitload of money. Enough to buy a house, buy an ounce of dank a week, half ounce of coke a week. And still pay the fucking bills. After a few years of this, I met an old friend who said, do you still fuck with that
sheva. I said I only did it once.

You have got to try this shit, and we did. I took her with me to my downward spiral. We smoked a lot of that crap, and I couldnt pay my bills anymore. Also something happened in the good ole USA. Those loans we were making a shit load of money on, well guess what, Joe Shmoe who only makes 60k a year cannot actually afford a 1milliion dollar home. I'm out of the job too boot.

But I can still smoke my problems away and I got some money saved, kind of. Its called loans and credit. After a year of this $300 a day habit, we tried going back east to get off. That did not work too good. You know what they got H in other fucking cities and if you look hard enough. you can find that bitch on any street corner. This is where I found out about China White, and oh ya, rigs are legal. So my $300 a day habit went to $500 a day. (2 people at least) We tried the Methadone, but kept on chipping, just didnt spend so much money.

So in 2008, I lost everything I made, was in the middle of know where, just wanted to go back So Cal. And eventually get clean. We got money to get home, and home we went. I tried to stay
away form my buds, I lasted a whole 3 days, with methadones help. But this time, I have the needle and the shit is so good in Cali, eventhough its raw.

I found the exchange, and have the same old card I got that first day. They all know who I am, probably miss me the last few weeks. I got jobs but have to always take a long bathroom break sometime in the day. I kept getting better bshit from better dealers, and soon wasnt paying that much for the shit. My friends foundn out that I would not sale them short if they came to me, so soon I started to actually have money again. That was this last year.

Something happened though. Something bad happpend. I dont know still what it was, but I got a bad knock in the middle of the night and some people just let them selves in and trashed my place and than took all my fun supplies wioth them to a certain building downtown. I went with them too, but here's the shitties part. That girl I am still in love with form way back, she's my wife and they took her too.

They sent me thru hell, and I took it. Now her family says I can never see her again if I am dirty, so that is the only reason I am staying clean. I dont have my phone numbers, but I know where people live. I just cant though, because I need to see her. I need her so much it hurts. She is the only reason I am not using right now.

If you actualkly read this wow, thanks for reading it. Its just a quick outline of the last half of my life.
Hey I started smoking Meth about a little less then a month ago I was sober for about a year and half ish. At first when I relapsed it was ok. I didn't choke or anything or gag. But two three days later I started gagging every time I tried to hit. I feel like I can taste all the fumes and when I inhale all the smoke that I inhale seems to disappear. I know I'm inhaling a lot a smoke but when I blow out there is like no smoke. and I would gag like crazy. The thing about it is everyone else around me who smokes don't have a problem with it. They all smoke the same shit I do and they can't taste anything or they don't choke and they all say it really good shit so I don't think its cause the shit is bunk. and I don't smoke day after day after day. I smoke three four days sober back up for three days and smoke again for this past month. but when I try to hit I still gag. There was only one time with different shit that i didn't gag but everyone said it was bunk -_- but it wasn't for me. I was wondering if anyone had this problem or is it me?
I have many issues, but the one I want to discuss isa meth....how does one make meth?, I read about how a persin can make the shit in less then a hour, less then a damn hour....now I'm guessing that type of meth would be cheap shit and not work as well..I'm also guessing there is a number of d ifferent ways to make the shit, I would assume that ther right way takes longer then a hour,...see I use the pip my self anfd I'm getting sick and tired of getying crap, shit stamp to hell with msm, k, and what ever else you can find to help fuck up a great product....so can fill me in on ways of getting around tjis issue im having.....happy piping
Several days ago, I climbed up a steep mountainside, zig-zagging under basalt cliffs. Near the top, I passed through a notch in a vertical rock wall. It was as though I stepped through a portal into another world. As I passed through, the landscape leveled itself, and I entered the mountain's sprawling, beach-like caldera, the ground covered in sandy gray ash. A still lake reflected the setting moon in a darkening blue sky. The summit loomed a tantalizing 500 or so vertical feet higher. Looking back through the cleft in the rocks, the shadow of the mountain stretched east, as hilly woodland dwindled to copses which gave way to grassland extending to the horizon. The wind carried the smell of distance.

Nearby, I spotted a place in the sand that was clear of stones. This would be a good spot to camp. I ate a quick meal of my now hated powdered eggs and a Cliff bar (I saw no signs of fish in the lake so I didn't bother trying to catch any.), set up my bed roll, took off my boots, tucked myself in, and quickly fell into a deep sleep.

I jolted awake after returning from a lightning fast out-of-body ride over the mountain range. In what must have been only a few seconds, I had sped dozens of miles (after hiking several hundred miles this summer, I have become good at judging distance based on sight) along ridges, down stream beds that flowed into ravines which emptied into valleys, back up the mountains again through sublime passes and over craggy peaks, all under a fantastic starscape.

I opened my eyes and looked around. Diamond nails punched through an obsidian sky. The caldera lake mirrored billions of stars. Viewing a dark sky from a remote location far from city lights is great even at low elevations, but in the clear air above 10000 feet, it is spectacular. The stars were surprisingly bright. And for a few glimmering moments, a fine glowing net of silver filaments still connected many of the star groups, just as it had done on the Astral Plane. Many of the filaments pulsated longitudinally like a kind of standing wave pattern, and they seemed to relay sparkles of light nearly instantaneously from one star to another. I had the impression that I was viewing a Living and Intelligent Network. Gradually it faded.

I unzipped my sleeping bag half way, sat up, unfolded a star chart, and turned on a red LED flashlight. This chart, from a series I had printed before leaving Portland, details all of the major constellations and names all stars brighter than something like a 3 magnitude. (The lines outlining the constellations did not necessarily follow the threading of the fibers of the silver net. There were far too many threads to try to pick out patterns of any constellations.) The red light keeps the eyes in a dark-adapted state while I consult the chart. Orion (with Betelgeuse, Bellatrix, Alnitak, Alnilam, etc.), Gemini (Castor, Polux), Taurus (Aldeberan), the Pleiades, Procyon are among the most prominent eastern constellations and stars about this hour. It was around 4 am.

Since moving to the high desert, I have been taking advantage of the dark skies and looking at the stars nearly every night. Indeed, astronomy has become a hobby. It has been years since I've lived far enough from city lights to be able to see the Milky Way or even to make out more than one constellation and that one was usually the Big Dipper. It is jolting (awesome), in a good way, to be where I can see the stars and the Milky Way again. Living in a city with its night sky like a television screen tuned to a dead channel makes you forget what the stars look like. I had been missing out on something worthwhile when I lived in Portland and in San Francisco.

No doubt, electric lighting has increased the quality of life, but it has come with a hidden cost: illumination of the nightscape. This is bad for several reasons. First, city glow hampers the viewing of celestial objects. To properly see the stars, you have to escape to a remote location. For many who live in a Megalopolis on the East and West coasts, for example, this requires a journey of a few hours by car. And even when you think you are at one of the most remote spots in the continental US, domes of ugly yellow light are still visible on the horizon.

One night last year during a backpacking trip to Death Valley, just as I was getting ready to sleep for the night, I noticed a pillar of bluish light above a sulfurous yellow dome of light in the east. After returning, I checked my map and even Googled it... It turned out that this was a monstrous spotlight emanating from some tacky casino (Luxor hotel/casino) in Las Vegas over 100 miles away. I think it is the brightest spotlight in the world, and sadly this assault against nature is now a permanent fixture of the night more than 100 miles around. Not only is it an affront to ones sense of esthetics, but preliminary scientific studies suggest that light pollution has harmful effects on ecology, human health (e.g. disruption of circadian rhythm), and social well-being.

This entry is rather long, and I find that ones attention span for reading any single item on the internet is not so long. So I have split this in two and will post the 2nd half when I get a chance tomorrow.
I'm an avid reader of McSweeney's Internet Tendency, and one of their semi-regular columns is essentially synonymous with the title of this entry. Badfish45 made a brilliant post in The Dark Side along these lines, and while it doesn't seem to be picking up there, I'd bet that it would take to ground here quite nicely. So, to that effect here is my letter.




Dear Anxiety,

Fuck you. Seriously. Yes, I know that I was treated like shit by my peers, and a few of my teachers. Yes, I know that I had negative self worth, and lived years of my life being randomly attacked by schoolyard assholes. Yes, I know that my grade 6 teacher put more effort into breaking me than teaching me.

That. Was. Twenty. Motherfucking. Years. Ago.

Why the flying fuck are you still around? There is literally nothing in my life that aught to cause me fear; I live in a safe and comfortable home, I work with kind and friendly people, I haven't been attacked (other than getting jumped 6 years ago) in roughly two decades. You stopped being adaptive ages ago, and have done nothing, nothing but hold me back. I live alone. I leave my house when I have to, but never 'just because'. My IRL social skills, while slowly progressing, are still, on a good day, roughly at the level of a shy 16 year old. I never initiate conversation, unless I'm very close to someone.Thanks to you I've lost the following:
  • A fully funded one-year internship with the NRC right out of school (they just 'made' an extra funded position for me, after the application deadline even; were going to fly me out and everything... they never do stuff like that, ever)
  • No less than two research gigs while in school that would have allowed me to get into grad school the first time that I applied-- I would have defended my thesis this spring had I been accepted then, and likely would be Dr. Dave now
  • Countless relationships, due to either my obliviousness or my terror of following up on initial contact
  • Countless friends, for the same reason, and also losing most friends that I've had from flaking on them during isolating periods
  • Not one, but two opportunities to travel the world, back when world travel was a bit more innocent; places uninfested by backpackers still existed then
  • Years off my life on one end due to excess cortisol levels, chronic high systolic blood pressure and the continuation of a binge eating disorder as a maladaptive coping mechanism
  • Years off my life on the other end by wasting my time being isolated

I thought I killed you three years ago, you crafty fucker. I had to re-live the worst of the worst of my childhood in the hopes of pulling your fangs. And for a while it almost seemed like it worked. But you were still there, weren't you? WEREN'T YOU? Biding your time, letting me bask in the glow of my newfound, albeit illusory, freedom. But even within the year, you started to darken my doorstep again. First the glow faded; I attributed that to reaching a kind of equilibrium, becoming used to the new joy of being anxiety-free, and considering that as a signal to rejoin the world. Then, little hints of you started showing up again: I'd isolate myself a little bit, flaking out once every now and then; I'd lose entire days to escapist media; I lost myself further and further into the online world, ignoring the real one, allowing the last bit of my joy escape.

So now what? In the end, it's me or you. But you're so heavily entrenched that it's going to take a huge, sustained effort just to properly keep you at bay, much less actually subdue you. And with every step back that you force me to take, you erect earthworks and redoubts to keep me from taking the same step forward again.

Timor Animum Necat. Fear is the mind-killer. I was going to get this etched into my flesh when I thought you were gone as a victory flag of sorts, and was still considering it until very recently. But to do so now would be hollow. You still rule me, and I hate that. There is nothing else in this world that I would consider deserving of that word, but you. I hate you. And I won't ever stop hating you. I promise you that. If I have to reduce myself to an empty ball of anger to be rid of you, I'll consider it worthwhile. It would be an empty victory, a flag raised over charred earth, but it would be my fucking flag raised for once. Not yours.

Your days are numbered. Even if you take me with you, you're done for. I've had enough.
This is a super kickass song, you should check it out.

I liked going to school,
I didn't want to fool around with drugs
Cuz all of my friends were dropping out
I had to get stuff done, I wasn't fun
I didn't try pot 'til I was 21,
but now I'm overcompensating

I'd like to see what morning looks like
Don't wanna drink pint after pint
I wanna wake up without feeling sick
But I can't cuz I'm a drug-abusing alcoholic
I can't cuz I'm a drug-abusing alcoholic
I can't cuz I'm a drug-abusing alcoholic
I can't cuz I'm a drug-abusing alcoholic

At 28 I realized
hydrocodone was pretty great
For hangovers and late night hangs
I decided to spend my life having the best of times
It's too bad most of them I'll probably forget

And now I know what morning looks like
But only when I greet it from the previous night
My friends are telling me that I need to find a clinic
But I won't cuz I'm a drug-addicted alcoholic
I won't cuz I'm a drug-addicted alcoholic
I won't cuz I'm a drug-addicted alcoholic
I won't cuz I'm a drug-addicted alcoholic

Can't stop taking drugs
By nofx

Whoops I OD'd,
Shortness of breath.
Call ambulance,
Tell my wife I {love her}.
Error in judgement cut my life,
No second chance, no guiding light.

I never meant to cause you pain,
I never thought I'd be the one who took the fall.
I got lost in the moment,
Assholes like to test the limit.

Six minutes down,
Breathing machine,
Brain not feel right.
The look on you is killing me,
Drowning in shame but don't feel bad.
Cause I never feared consequences.
Hate regrets more than apologies.

A year has passed, like photographs.
My life is just a scrapbook,
Of old friends and faded memories.
Looks like I pulled the rug from under myself.
The fall's too much for me to recover from.

It's been real fun but now I must say goodbye.
I'll see you all at Okie Dogs,
I'll see you all at Okie Dogs.

Be fucking careful people. Fuck.
I did ½ g B2 with my other half two nights ago. which was great. he didnt experience the e scene of the 90s so we've been enjoying each other's company with some rc's of late. great fun with someone whom you have total trust in, to let go like you can emotionally and sexually. Though, in this case, more the latter. anyway, i digress. so we did b2 and managed to get a bit of sleep from 5:30 - 11am. The alarm clock didnt go off and we got awoken by our son after he'd taken the opportunity to watch loads of saturday morning tv. We then had a great day out, a bit tired but relaxed from the night before.we bought him a new (sharp as a butcher's knife) suit for his new job, took the wee one (or not so wee anymore) to the cinema, had dinner in a cafe and had a general good time in the city.

We came home and the boy (husband that is), was so sweet and cuddly and full of love and attention for me. The big boy and smaller boy cuddled on the sofa and watched yet another film. Yes, I know, it was a lazy day! They were snoozing so I stupidly decided to have this nrg3 i had stashed away. only one, i told myself. why on earth i thought this would be a good idea, i simply dont know. i didnt tell the boy and spent the rest if the evening/early hours re-dosing in "secret". Way to go on the trust front. he was super cuddly and i could tell he needed a cuddle but wouldnt ask for one. he's too patient for that. instead, i was on the laptop IMing friends and lurking on eBay and BL trip report forums. Now he's long ago asleep after patiently waiting for my attention the whole night and Im on here, tweaked out with no hope of sleep, having to explain my odd behaviour when he gets up.

I feel like a right muppet. Why would I 1) think it was a good idea 2)keep it secret. Ill tell you why. Because deep down you know you shouldnt but you mentally convince yourself that you can handle just one, to take the edge off. Then you get stuck in the fiending cycle incomprehensible to anyone who isnt in it so the appearance must be kept.

sigh. branded legals have too many shit qualities to make them worthwhile. Thing is, i already knew what this one was like cuz we;d tried it before and I was ready to bin them. But did I? Oh no. against my better judgement, I kept them "just in case". HA! Just in case i wanted a shitty no sleep, high fiending, high body-load mess again! Why is it so hard to bin drugs?? I even told my husband i'd binned them but "found a forgotten stash" when he asked about them. crap, maybe i;m developing symptoms of addiction?

-lying about your stash
-secret intake
-serious fiending (which never seems as bad for the boy. he can resist much better than me)
-doing small amounts to help make "boring" tasks, like cleaning, more enjoyable

If anyone is reading this, id love your opinion. 8)
Finally got my hands on some DMT (1st time trying it) was woundering what peoples thoughts were on it and how it changed youre perception on life etc....?
Im new to the forum as well, but i discovered most of my posts ended up being about me. That is because I am recently diagnosed as rapid cycling bipolar, and I figured it would be a good idea to offer the experiences I have with psychedelics and mental illness. Unfortunately this meant I was sort of hijacking threads so I decided to move over to blogs.

So the first question I'd imagine people having is; have psychedelics been detrimental to my mental state? That seems to be the accepted opinion, that I agree with in the case of most people with mental illness. For me (and I don't know if it is my addiction to traveling the roads of my subconscious) but I yearn to believe that psychedelics have been helpful. I certainly don't believe they've been harmful. I have been getting better (also medicated), and my disorder wasn't triggered by a psychedelic (unlike a friend I met on bluelight). My disorder was triggered by an adverse reaction to Zoloft, which I originally took for anxiety. I have sense been dialing down my psychedelic use.

A trouble I have with being bipolar is integrating my thoughts, as my short term memory has been shot to hell. So I’m attempting to improve my writing by joining bluelight and posting into the blogs and forums. So any suggestions are greatly appreciated.
Let's start from the beginning. So I have 2 dogs, a 5 year old male Westie named Sparky and a 2 year old female Dachshund named Shanna. I've had them both since each was a puppy. I didn't bother getting them altered. Until yesterday. Shanna was in her 3rd heat cycle and I was going insane because Sparky, being an unaltered male dog, wanted to make babies with her.

So I found the ASPCA mobile Spay/Neuter Clinic and brought the dogs there at 6:00am. It was freezing cold and raining but I was on about 75mg of oxy so I felt no pain. I had blankets and an umbrella for the doggies, don't worry! I was going to put on Shanna's sweater but she wouldn't let me keep it on for long :( So don't worry, they were fine!

Anyway... long story short, I now have an altered male and an altered female (who was already in heat) so I had to lock Sparky in the bathroom and Shanna in sleeping in my room. They're both wearing cones and have fresh incisions. We had to lock Sparky in the bathroom because he keeps humping Shanna but he is howling and whimpering and whining so I can't sleep. Plus I just drank a large glass of seltzer and now I have to pee like crazy but I can't really go in the bathroom because Sparky just stopped whining and I think he is finally sleeping!

I am looking for something I can pee in but it's hard because I am a girl! I can't really pee in a bottle or anything, trust me I would...

Wow, I can't believe how fucking insane I am and all the crazy things I am sharing with strangers.

Anyway, to take my mind off having to pee, I will talk about my day.

I had spicy pork tamales and a Mexican coke for dinner.

I went to class and spoke to my Professor about how her calling on me when I don't raise my hand makes me uncomfortable and she was very cool about it and she doesn't think I'm retarded so I may just get a passing grade in this class! I am so happy I spoke to her. My other class is kind of a fuck-off class, you know the type, plus it's a film class so... well, you get the idea.

So yeah, then I got some pills so I wouldn't be sick. Waiting on more, hopefully a good price! After these 2 times I think I'm going to take the rest of my Suboxone to help with the withdrawals and then dry out for a while. I can't afford this habit. I don't want to be homeless. So it's time to chill with the oxy.

I was thinking of getting into therapy and maybe starting the anti-depressants I am prescribed but don't take (Cymbalta and Wellbutrin) along with the clonazepam I take for my panic disorder.

So yeah the only thing that could have made my day better would be if I got a job. And if I could urinate...
Its snowing here in NYC, Just like mot years in my life My hometown Spokane, WA it usally snows just days before Halloween or even on Halloween and that starts out the winter. Today its two days early but still welcomed.

I love the different weather cycles! One thing here is the Thunder Snow which i never experinced out west and last year was the first I have ever herd of such a thing. Its cool.
I didn't sleep well. I'm really groggy.

Feeling a bit more positive though.

Just hope it lasts...
Hi just wanting some advice as to wether my patner is snorting speed, we been together a year & he admitted he did drugs before he met me, I don't use drugs & I made it v clear 2him, we went out for the night & hiz mates once again offers him a line of speed. He refused saying u no I don't do drugs & he had told them not 2 offer or do drugs when I woz there but they never listen, any way he turned it down a couple of times & when he thought I woznt looking he took the line!!! I eoz devastated & walked out we split for a while he said he woz sorry he woz stuipd & it woz 1st time since he been with me & he don't no why he did it! Well I don't belive him & I think he still doin it when he with hiz mates he came home the other night constatly touching & rubbing hiz nose after he been with them & then to days later it woz like living. With somone with a split personality he is moody & I feel I am walking on egg shells, he is on anti deppresants & mo maybe it's just them making him poorly I don't no but I don't trust him if he will snort when I am there he will any time won't he? any advice would be great
so about 5 days ago i was veery drunk off a couple forties. (im a light wait) later that night i stupidly decided to buy a gram of GOOD coke. this was only my second time doing coke but every other time i had only done 1 or 2 lines. So after staying up all night i started to come off the coke. I started to feel incredibly weird, with minor hallucinations. I also felt incredibly disoriented. So i was pretty much OUT OF IT.

I know coke"s out of your system in 3 days if you"re not a heavy user, but ever since that night I've felt very disconnected and slightly spacey. Kind of like how you feel after a lot of thizz or molly. Has anyone ever experienced this when mixing cocaine with alcohol? if so pleeeease let me know if it goes away and how long if so. I am very worried that i've damaged my brain, especially since its been almost a week.

Plus is there anything i can do to make this stop? like vitamins, medication, diet?
Suppose that there exists the understanding of the partition table such that we can easily enable ambimorphic methodologies. Next, we assume that the refinement of superpages can construct virtual archetypes without needing to provide superpages. See our existing technical report [23] for details [14].

Figure 2: A model diagramming the relationship between Tit and spreadsheets.

Reality aside, we would like to explore a design for how Tit might behave in theory. This seems to hold in most cases. We carried out a 1-week-long trace validating that our design is not feasible. This seems to hold in most cases. Consider the early framework by Robin Milner; our model is similar, but will actually address this question. We carried out a 9-day-long trace disproving that our architecture is feasible. Similarly, Figure 1 details a diagram diagramming the relationship between Tit and scalable technology.

4 Implementation

Though we have not yet optimized for usability, this should be simple once we finish optimizing the codebase of 17 B files. Similarly, Tit is composed of a hand-optimized compiler, a client-side library, and a virtual machine monitor. On a similar note, since our heuristic is derived from the principles of electrical engineering, optimizing the hand-optimized compiler was relatively straightforward. Continuing with this rationale, it was necessary to cap the throughput used by Tit to 142 MB/s [7,9]. We plan to release all of this code under public domain.

5 Evaluation

We now discuss our evaluation strategy. Our overall evaluation seeks to prove three hypotheses: (1) that we can do much to adjust a methodology's USB key throughput; (2) that average instruction rate stayed constant across successive generations of Apple Newtons; and finally (3) that architecture has actually shown degraded latency over time. Our evaluation strives to make these points clear.

5.1 Hardware and Software Configuration

Figure 3: The mean sampling rate of our algorithm, as a function of signal-to-noise ratio.

Many hardware modifications were required to measure Tit. We performed a prototype on our signed overlay network to measure U. Suzuki's simulation of Scheme in 2004. despite the fact that such a claim is generally a technical purpose, it is derived from known results. To begin with, we added 7GB/s of Wi-Fi throughput to our encrypted cluster to disprove constant-time archetypes's effect on the paradox of robotics. We removed some USB key space from our Planetlab cluster. With this change, we noted duplicated latency degredation. On a similar note, we doubled the ROM space of our decommissioned IBM PC Juniors. This configuration step was time-consuming but worth it in the end. Next, we added 8 300MB hard disks to our event-driven testbed. Furthermore, we removed more 200GHz Athlon 64s from our human test subjects. In the end, we doubled the NV-RAM space of our underwater cluster.

Figure 4: The 10th-percentile complexity of our framework, as a function of popularity of write-ahead logging [1].

We ran Tit on commodity operating systems, such as Multics Version 6.7, Service Pack 3 and Minix. All software was linked using AT&T System V's compiler linked against wearable libraries for harnessing courseware. We implemented our Smalltalk server in PHP, augmented with topologically randomized extensions. We made all of our software is available under a Microsoft's Shared Source License license.
5.2 Experiments and Results

Figure 5: The expected response time of our framework, as a function of distance.

Given these trivial configurations, we achieved non-trivial results. We ran four novel experiments: (1) we measured Web server and Web server latency on our 10-node testbed; (2) we compared average block size on the Microsoft Windows NT, Microsoft Windows 3.11 and GNU/Debian Linux operating systems; (3) we measured DNS and E-mail performance on our human test subjects; and (4) we compared work factor on the Minix, AT&T System V and OpenBSD operating systems.

We first explain experiments (3) and (4) enumerated above. These interrupt rate observations contrast to those seen in earlier work [6], such as R. Tarjan's seminal treatise on Lamport clocks and observed optical drive speed. Along these same lines, note that compilers have less jagged floppy disk speed curves than do distributed suffix trees. Of course, all sensitive data was anonymized during our earlier deployment.

We have seen one type of behavior in Figures 5 and 4; our other experiments (shown in Figure 4) paint a different picture. The many discontinuities in the graphs point to muted signal-to-noise ratio introduced with our hardware upgrades. Second, these median complexity observations contrast to those seen in earlier work [13], such as Leonard Adleman's seminal treatise on Byzantine fault tolerance and observed tape drive throughput. Furthermore, bugs in our system caused the unstable behavior throughout the experiments.

Lastly, we discuss the second half of our experiments. Note how simulating red-black trees rather than emulating them in bioware produce less discretized, more reproducible results. On a similar note, the curve in Figure 5 should look familiar; it is better known as H(n) = e logn . Along these same lines, Gaussian electromagnetic disturbances in our 2-node overlay network caused unstable experimental results.

6 Conclusion

We validated here that the infamous Bayesian algorithm for the investigation of symmetric encryption by Robinson et al. [22] runs in Ω( n ) time, and our solution is no exception to that rule. Similarly, the characteristics of Tit, in relation to those of more well-known frameworks, are daringly more essential. one potentially improbable flaw of our framework is that it can prevent fiber-optic cables; we plan to address this in future work. We plan to make Tit available on the Web for public download.

In conclusion, our method will overcome many of the obstacles faced by today's systems engineers. Next, Tit can successfully control many robots at once. Finally, we validated that information retrieval systems and Byzantine fault tolerance are generally incompatible.

References

[1]
Abiteboul, S. Massive multiplayer online role-playing games considered harmful. Journal of Client-Server, Pseudorandom Methodologies 19 (Aug. 2001), 79-95.

[2]
Bose, E. Decoupling superpages from Scheme in scatter/gather I/O. In Proceedings of NOSSDAV (Feb. 2003).

[3]
Culler, D., Sutherland, I., and Pnueli, A. Moore's Law no longer considered harmful. In Proceedings of WMSCI (Mar. 1999).

[4]
Davis, N., and Knuth, D. XEROX: Construction of Byzantine fault tolerance. In Proceedings of the Symposium on Lossless, Introspective Information (June 1993).

[5]
ErdÖS, P. An exploration of agents using QuernShooi. Journal of Robust Methodologies 32 (Feb. 2004), 150-197.

[6]
Estrin, D. Redundancy considered harmful. In Proceedings of FPCA (Nov. 1996).

[7]
Floyd, R. The influence of "fuzzy" models on robotics. Journal of Peer-to-Peer Information 69 (Dec. 2002), 88-108.

[8]
Johnson, P. Analyzing telephony and Moore's Law with Hye. In Proceedings of SIGMETRICS (Nov. 2004).

[9]
Jones, F., Anderson, S., Watanabe, a., Adleman, L., Johnson, D., Nehru, P., and Shenker, S. Metamorphic models for Internet QoS. Journal of Automated Reasoning 53 (Apr. 2005), 50-63.

[10]
Karp, R. Contrasting RAID and linked lists. Tech. Rep. 7966/1676, Intel Research, Feb. 1991.

[11]
Leiserson, C. An improvement of context-free grammar using MisselSkittles. In Proceedings of the Conference on Robust, Cooperative Epistemologies (Nov. 2003).

[12]
Moore, E. Certifiable, amphibious models. In Proceedings of SIGCOMM (Jan. 1993).

[13]
Newton, I., Kubiatowicz, J., and Parthasarathy, Y. A methodology for the analysis of forward-error correction. Tech. Rep. 6461-31, University of Northern South Dakota, June 2003.

[14]
Rabin, M. O., and Zhou, I. Emulating spreadsheets and robots. In Proceedings of the Symposium on Read-Write, Atomic Symmetries (July 1997).

[15]
Rangrz, and Brown, G. An emulation of the UNIVAC computer. In Proceedings of the Symposium on Certifiable, Constant-Time Archetypes (July 2003).

[16]
Reddy, R. The transistor no longer considered harmful. In Proceedings of HPCA (Mar. 1991).

[17]
Seshagopalan, R., Engelbart, D., and Kubiatowicz, J. Hunte: Understanding of 8 bit architectures. Journal of Interposable, Cacheable Theory 55 (Jan. 2004), 20-24.

[18]
Stearns, R. Developing IPv6 using knowledge-based communication. In Proceedings of SIGCOMM (Dec. 2001).

[19]
Sun, Z., Dijkstra, E., Milner, R., Newton, I., and Suzuki, L. The influence of certifiable archetypes on machine learning. In Proceedings of PLDI (Apr. 2004).

[20]
Suzuki, K., Schroedinger, E., and Kobayashi, I. Linear-time archetypes for online algorithms. Journal of Authenticated, Compact Archetypes 7 (Apr. 1990), 1-14.

[21]
Taylor, U., Perlis, A., and Martinez, U. A case for telephony. Journal of Pervasive, Mobile Algorithms 5 (Nov. 1996), 53-66.

[22]
Thomas, R., and Gupta, a. Synthesizing RPCs using adaptive epistemologies. Tech. Rep. 3067-57-3247, University of Northern South Dakota, Feb. 2002.

[23]
Thompson, M. Deconstructing simulated annealing. Journal of Introspective, Stochastic Epistemologies 9 (Dec. 2004), 71-82.
started this roofing gig. fucking TOUGH man. 10-14 hour days on the regular, lots of manual labor, shoveling roofing shit into buckets, big ass 30-40lb pry bars for like 5 to 7 hours. I tell you what if this kinda shit doesn't make a man outta you nothing will. looks like I'll be doing this for about 6-8 weeks. but at $29.85 an hour and every hour over 8 in a day is time and a half, so $44.78/hr. so believe that I'm stackin that paper right now. if my calculations are correct I should make about $10k in this 8 week period.

look at me now, look at me now. I'm gettin paperrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

unfortunately I won't be awake to enjoy it until after the work is done cause this shit is tiring as a motherfucker. lol
from everything except weed.

I don't know how to explain how I feel. It's sort of bitter sweet.
Not more 5 day meth and adderall binges. No more benzo blackouts and destroying everything in my path.

I miss the feeling of being high but I don't miss the experiences and the people for sure. It's not a good world to be in at all now that I think about it. When I think back on the people I met and ran with, I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed with what I did and how I let them treat me.

You would think I would have learned, huh? Watching my parents go through it and then my older sister too.

I'm so thankful my best friend Sam let me move up here and live with her and her girlfriend because I don't know where I'd be. I'm glad I don't have any connections up here because that wouldn't end good.

I still crave it so bad some days, it sucks.
I'm ever so weary. And sometimes I really, really just want a cuddle.

I didn't ask for this role. But I'll play it.

I will be stronger tomorrow.
So, of course, I'm under 18
Don't ask more.


Thursday, Sept 29th, 2011
Someone frames me and says I was snorting lines in 1st period
(I can't say I haven't done lines there before... but I hadn't done that for atleast a week the day that kid framed me)
I get suspended for 5 days, currently pending expulsion FOR BEING FRAMED
I flip out at home, aggressive, put a knife to my neck with NO INTENTION of hurting myself... Just to shock my mom (I'm an asshole)

Friday, Sept 30th, 2011
My mom drives me to San Diego... to tell mental hospital workers I put a knife to my neck... and tells them I wished she would die
I get labeled "5150" which is "A danger to self, and others"
I get ambulanced to a different mental hospital on a 72 hour hold
I get 50mg Diphenhydramine when I complain about insomnia, it didn't work... fell asleep at 4am

Saturday, October 1st, 2011
Wake up at 7am, meet a bunch of other teens... hospital refuses to give me my Adderall
I get 125mg Diphenhydramine when I complain about insomnia, it didn't work... fell asleep at 4am

Sunday, October 2nd, 2011
Wake up at 7am, to see the other teens... hospital refuses to give me my Adderall
I complain of Anxiety, pulse is 115, 129, and 105 when they check my vitals... they give me nothing
I get 140mg Zopiclone from another mental hospital patient to try to sleep, doesn't do anything
I get 50mg Trazadone for insomnia, it didn't work... fell asleep at 4am

Monday, October 3rd, 2011
Wake up at 7am, see the teens again
Doctors show me a paper saying my "Outpatient" diagnosises were Anxiety Disorder N.O.S.
ADHD
Doctors show me a paper saying my "Inpatient" diagnosises (which means they "rediagnosed" me) were Anxiety Disorder N.O.S. ADHD PTSD and Insomnia
My mom still has my phone, my iPod, my wallet, changes my computer's password, and finds out I've been dealing drugs by reading my texts
So, I'm forced to go to therapy once a week
My mom refuses to give me my Adderall unless it is a school day
My mom refuses to let me see my Psychiatrist for an SSRI or Benzos for Anxiety/PTSD
My mom refuses to let me see my Psychiatrist for a sleep aid for Insomnia/PTSD


What did I get out of all of this?
-My mom refusing me to obtain psychiatrist meds
-My mom forcing me to weekly therapy sessions
-I find out I have 5 different diagnosed disorders
-I repeat, I can't get meds for them
-Plus, I have to go to an expulsion hearing... WHEN I'M BEING FRAMED

Great, I would rather be sent back to the loony bin for 3 more days and cost her ass $3,000 more
It's been 3days? or so since our first date. Her name is Rachel, we met in NA. People in the program usually beat other people up about getting in a relationship in the program, they think it's all about a booty call/1night stand. and this is diffrent on such a next level.
In the 12 x 12 it tells you about dating in the program. these relationships can be the best because both man and woman are on the same page, recovery.
Rachel and I's relationship began when we just casually started talking after a meeting one night, and it shot off from there, we have just so much in common! from the music we like, to our family, and intrest's in things we like to do with our time.
I'm still new in relationships, and it's the first i've had while being in the program. I don't want to be like one of the other guys that get's with the new comer girls, which i'm being rediculed of that where I live.
She is such an amazing girl, my little rachel. it's offical now, we are a couple. yeah it's only day 3? but in those 3 days we've learned more about each other, have opened up to each other then with most of our family. we've both told each other stuff that we wouldn'tve told anyone.
Since we are both in the program we don't have to worry about having to do drugs/drink to be able to feel close to one another, shit just happens. and has happened!
We so next leveled the shit!!
Now for sex, I want that moment to be absoutly perferct. I don't want to hurt her in anyway, and have told her that. I think she's the one for me, and building a relationship all on sex will fail, and I don't want it to fail. so sex is the last thing I want from her right now, its more about connecting on a spiritual level so when that time does happen we will both be ready, and really enjoy it, and will be magical.
sofar the past 3 days have been the best days of my life this year (and really all my life). just knowing that I have an awesome lady friend in my life.
We are boyfriend and girlfriend, and hopefully, someday when the time is right she will be my wife..THATS wayy down the road tho lol today is day 4!
love u all
drew<3
So yeah I said "more later" but obviously never got back to it. Such a procrastinator. It wasn't ego death unfortunately, but it has had a lasting impact on me. I've been eating FAR healthier since my last blog posting and am a lot more active physically. I am also working on romantic socialization (I am VERY introverted).

I only use it once a week now. Since that post I did experience what many describe as a k-hole and I thankfully weathered it well -- probably because of the opioid actions in MxE mediating my paranoia.

The euphoria rivals that of many opioids I have used and opioids are my drug of choice so from me that is saying a lot. I know all too well that it could be easily to get addicted to MxE.
--------
I finished off my Methylone. It was enjoyable burning the midnight serotonin with Lady M1. Now that it's schedule I I won't be ordering more even though I could. It is far too expensive now and since its illicit it now will get cut to hell and back with adulterants -- if I want to risk buying an illicit I may as well get MDMA which doesn't cost much more in comparison.

Methylone is the only stimulant I enjoyed. I hate that the government banned it with no research. Non-entactogenic central stimulants only have value for me when using them for exercise and/or weight loss. I also did not like Mephedrone and HATED MDPV so much I dumped 200mg in the trash. Whomever synth'd MDPV and was quick to disclose its formula must not have tried it! No offense to those whose DOC is MDPV. Enjoy it don't let me rain on your parade. =D

EDIT: Also, those cathinones would have been scheduled much later if it were not for irresponsible head shops stocking "bath salts." Please do not nickname drugs, do not slap a fancy colorful label on them and put them in convenience stores. And remember that discretion outside of communities like this is crucial to keeping these compounds low profile. Do us psychonauts a favor and just don't sell that stuff in brick and mortar stores whatsoever thanks. And shame on the shops who knowingly sold to minors.
When your soulmate calls the relationship shit and says a bucketload of hurtful bullcrap that is only partially true...

Then after 4hrs of intense arguing thinks that hugging and stuff will make it all better. Wakes up the next day and thinks "I love you's" and hugs will erase the pain inflicted.

...and I'm foolish enough to still be completely head over heals gone in love for her. I still want to be with her. Still want to live with her. Still want her for the rest of my life and thereafter.

Bah, I'm fucked. :\



Well, we all know our worst enemy is our greatest love. They have the ability to hurt the most, to completely destroy you.

*sigh*

Oh well.
I feel like it's probably really sad and pathetic to be writing three blog entries (does a URL count?) in one day? I guess it doesn't really matter as nobody will be reading this anyway so I'm sure I shan't be judged.

Bluelight used to be a place where I'd keep lots of my thoughts and I thought I'd moved on from it... some of the content from previous accounts is too painful to look at... but I can't talk about that now otherwise my heart will just start to get sore. It's crazy how snapshots of the past can be looked up with a simple search. I had to stop that because it wasn't healthy. Anyway, non existent reader, you don't know what I'm talking about and I don't want to tell you because my failings still weigh down my shoulders on nights like this.

Yet...

Isn't it strange how the plaintive chords of a piano or the gentle hum of a guitar can transport you back in time? How songs can give you a memory so intense that you can feel the shoes you were wearing that day and smell the citrus tang of the scent you'd so carefully chosen?

I have to be so careful. Music can bring an abundance of tears if I'm not careful. And I do try never to cry these days. I guess it's the closest thing I'll ever have to a time machine.

As an example listening to "Late in the Day" by Supergrass reminds me of being at Solfest with all my friends. It was the last Solfest we had before Murray's accident I think. I remember standing in the crowd at dusk when it started playing. I could smell the last of the sun's heat rising from the grass below us. Lanterns were being lit and were floating upwards like shoals of dreams off to seek their fortune in the heavens. I was warmed by rum. I was loved by the friends I was standing with. My heart was smarting from something I can't write about here... but I could justify feeling happy by being glad that I had been loved, even if I had brought that love to its knees and then ripped it's head off.

I don't know. These last few years I just don't feel the same. I don't want to go out partying all the time. I don't feel like I'm part of things. I feel like the sad old bastard hanging out with the younglings. I've had my share of dancing until dawn, of getting high, of adventuring through weekends with my friends by my side. Somewhere along the line I feel like I lost sight of what I really wanted and I stopped functioning. My heart was rent asunder for the final time in around 2007/2008... god, so long ago, that I can't even remember. I don't think I ever recovered and I've not been able to use my heart since. But I don't mind. I can cope. I'm brave and I'm strong and I don't need anyone or anything.

Anyway as I was saying I feel like I lost myself somewhere along the line. I'd find myself at 5am with a bunch of people that I wasn't too sure of feeling like I just wanted to go home and go to bed or have a cup of tea and play my records. Thankfully I always had Colm and Eilidh nearby, making sure I had a coat, and a cigarette, and a lift home. Sometimes I wonder if all that was just my way of acting out. I became everything I hated. I tried to rip my soul out so that it would stop screaming.

But, what was it that damaged me to the point that I couldn't function? I can't pin-point any one thing. I think I've been too trusting and too open with the wrong people and they've ended up taking advantage of it and I've ended up the scapegoat and stuck on the end of shitty behaviour by other people. It still happens now but I just don't care anymore. I think I took love for granted and treated it like it owed me something when really it owed me nothing. It was a privilege not a right.

So here I am at 30. I'm alone and I'm ok. Sometimes I feel like everything is just too much but deep down I know that I'll always keep going and I'll always try to find a way back because somewhere along the line there will be something that makes all of the tears, and the pain, and the loss, worth it.

I'll never again be intimate with someone which makes me sad. For a long time I didn't want to be. Then came a time when I thought maybe I could try putting my heart on sleeve again. But that idea was just silly and now I'm content to be alone. I've got an unending capacity for love towards people like Colm, Eil, Debbie, Spiff, Pat etc who have stood by me and their hugs and their choice to spend time with me is all I need to try and fulfil what can be an empty black hole inside at times.

Cor, look at me spilling my guts on a website, it's pretty sad to be honest. But if I don't do this here then I won't do it anywhere and I'll feel bad.

I love music. I love writing. I love photography. I love my friends and family. This is the love that I need to focus on and I can be ok again. I can exist without the feeling of impending darkness.

Here's a secret.

I car-crashed my way through my twenties because I thought I would be dead before I turned 30.

Now, here I am at 30, and I'm having to plan for a future wasn't convinced I'd have...

And I still fear that I'm going to die before I'm 40.

Maybe one day someone will read this and know who I am. I'll have some kind of legacy even if it's just a snapshot of someone who thinks too much and who can't seem to walk in time with the rest of the world.

All I can do is continue to write, and to paint, and to sing, and to laugh, and to play my guitar, and love the things and people that make me happy. It's my life and I'm going to try and do the best I can with it.
Oh, that was a painful night.

I only managed to get to sleep about 5am after taking some co-dydramol. Now I'm up again and groggy.

Hopefully it means tonight I'll get a good long sleep without medicating.

I think that my back is the issue, it's sore again, and I can feel it twitch when I'm lying down.

Gah. I've nothing useful to say. I'll come back to blog later.

My baby niece is downstairs, I think I want to just go and give her a cuddle and chill out.
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