You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an alternative browser.
You should upgrade or use an alternative browser.
Blogs
Filters
Show only:
Loading…
Suppose that there exists the understanding of the partition table such that we can easily enable ambimorphic methodologies. Next, we assume that the refinement of superpages can construct virtual archetypes without needing to provide superpages. See our existing technical report [23] for details [14].
Figure 2: A model diagramming the relationship between Tit and spreadsheets.
Reality aside, we would like to explore a design for how Tit might behave in theory. This seems to hold in most cases. We carried out a 1-week-long trace validating that our design is not feasible. This seems to hold in most cases. Consider the early framework by Robin Milner; our model is similar, but will actually address this question. We carried out a 9-day-long trace disproving that our architecture is feasible. Similarly, Figure 1 details a diagram diagramming the relationship between Tit and scalable technology.
4 Implementation
Though we have not yet optimized for usability, this should be simple once we finish optimizing the codebase of 17 B files. Similarly, Tit is composed of a hand-optimized compiler, a client-side library, and a virtual machine monitor. On a similar note, since our heuristic is derived from the principles of electrical engineering, optimizing the hand-optimized compiler was relatively straightforward. Continuing with this rationale, it was necessary to cap the throughput used by Tit to 142 MB/s [7,9]. We plan to release all of this code under public domain.
5 Evaluation
We now discuss our evaluation strategy. Our overall evaluation seeks to prove three hypotheses: (1) that we can do much to adjust a methodology's USB key throughput; (2) that average instruction rate stayed constant across successive generations of Apple Newtons; and finally (3) that architecture has actually shown degraded latency over time. Our evaluation strives to make these points clear.
5.1 Hardware and Software Configuration
Figure 3: The mean sampling rate of our algorithm, as a function of signal-to-noise ratio.
Many hardware modifications were required to measure Tit. We performed a prototype on our signed overlay network to measure U. Suzuki's simulation of Scheme in 2004. despite the fact that such a claim is generally a technical purpose, it is derived from known results. To begin with, we added 7GB/s of Wi-Fi throughput to our encrypted cluster to disprove constant-time archetypes's effect on the paradox of robotics. We removed some USB key space from our Planetlab cluster. With this change, we noted duplicated latency degredation. On a similar note, we doubled the ROM space of our decommissioned IBM PC Juniors. This configuration step was time-consuming but worth it in the end. Next, we added 8 300MB hard disks to our event-driven testbed. Furthermore, we removed more 200GHz Athlon 64s from our human test subjects. In the end, we doubled the NV-RAM space of our underwater cluster.
Figure 4: The 10th-percentile complexity of our framework, as a function of popularity of write-ahead logging [1].
We ran Tit on commodity operating systems, such as Multics Version 6.7, Service Pack 3 and Minix. All software was linked using AT&T System V's compiler linked against wearable libraries for harnessing courseware. We implemented our Smalltalk server in PHP, augmented with topologically randomized extensions. We made all of our software is available under a Microsoft's Shared Source License license.
5.2 Experiments and Results
Figure 5: The expected response time of our framework, as a function of distance.
Given these trivial configurations, we achieved non-trivial results. We ran four novel experiments: (1) we measured Web server and Web server latency on our 10-node testbed; (2) we compared average block size on the Microsoft Windows NT, Microsoft Windows 3.11 and GNU/Debian Linux operating systems; (3) we measured DNS and E-mail performance on our human test subjects; and (4) we compared work factor on the Minix, AT&T System V and OpenBSD operating systems.
We first explain experiments (3) and (4) enumerated above. These interrupt rate observations contrast to those seen in earlier work [6], such as R. Tarjan's seminal treatise on Lamport clocks and observed optical drive speed. Along these same lines, note that compilers have less jagged floppy disk speed curves than do distributed suffix trees. Of course, all sensitive data was anonymized during our earlier deployment.
We have seen one type of behavior in Figures 5 and 4; our other experiments (shown in Figure 4) paint a different picture. The many discontinuities in the graphs point to muted signal-to-noise ratio introduced with our hardware upgrades. Second, these median complexity observations contrast to those seen in earlier work [13], such as Leonard Adleman's seminal treatise on Byzantine fault tolerance and observed tape drive throughput. Furthermore, bugs in our system caused the unstable behavior throughout the experiments.
Lastly, we discuss the second half of our experiments. Note how simulating red-black trees rather than emulating them in bioware produce less discretized, more reproducible results. On a similar note, the curve in Figure 5 should look familiar; it is better known as H(n) = e logn . Along these same lines, Gaussian electromagnetic disturbances in our 2-node overlay network caused unstable experimental results.
6 Conclusion
We validated here that the infamous Bayesian algorithm for the investigation of symmetric encryption by Robinson et al. [22] runs in Ω( n ) time, and our solution is no exception to that rule. Similarly, the characteristics of Tit, in relation to those of more well-known frameworks, are daringly more essential. one potentially improbable flaw of our framework is that it can prevent fiber-optic cables; we plan to address this in future work. We plan to make Tit available on the Web for public download.
In conclusion, our method will overcome many of the obstacles faced by today's systems engineers. Next, Tit can successfully control many robots at once. Finally, we validated that information retrieval systems and Byzantine fault tolerance are generally incompatible.
References
[1]
Abiteboul, S. Massive multiplayer online role-playing games considered harmful. Journal of Client-Server, Pseudorandom Methodologies 19 (Aug. 2001), 79-95.
[2]
Bose, E. Decoupling superpages from Scheme in scatter/gather I/O. In Proceedings of NOSSDAV (Feb. 2003).
[3]
Culler, D., Sutherland, I., and Pnueli, A. Moore's Law no longer considered harmful. In Proceedings of WMSCI (Mar. 1999).
[4]
Davis, N., and Knuth, D. XEROX: Construction of Byzantine fault tolerance. In Proceedings of the Symposium on Lossless, Introspective Information (June 1993).
[5]
ErdÖS, P. An exploration of agents using QuernShooi. Journal of Robust Methodologies 32 (Feb. 2004), 150-197.
[6]
Estrin, D. Redundancy considered harmful. In Proceedings of FPCA (Nov. 1996).
[7]
Floyd, R. The influence of "fuzzy" models on robotics. Journal of Peer-to-Peer Information 69 (Dec. 2002), 88-108.
[8]
Johnson, P. Analyzing telephony and Moore's Law with Hye. In Proceedings of SIGMETRICS (Nov. 2004).
[9]
Jones, F., Anderson, S., Watanabe, a., Adleman, L., Johnson, D., Nehru, P., and Shenker, S. Metamorphic models for Internet QoS. Journal of Automated Reasoning 53 (Apr. 2005), 50-63.
[10]
Karp, R. Contrasting RAID and linked lists. Tech. Rep. 7966/1676, Intel Research, Feb. 1991.
[11]
Leiserson, C. An improvement of context-free grammar using MisselSkittles. In Proceedings of the Conference on Robust, Cooperative Epistemologies (Nov. 2003).
[12]
Moore, E. Certifiable, amphibious models. In Proceedings of SIGCOMM (Jan. 1993).
[13]
Newton, I., Kubiatowicz, J., and Parthasarathy, Y. A methodology for the analysis of forward-error correction. Tech. Rep. 6461-31, University of Northern South Dakota, June 2003.
[14]
Rabin, M. O., and Zhou, I. Emulating spreadsheets and robots. In Proceedings of the Symposium on Read-Write, Atomic Symmetries (July 1997).
[15]
Rangrz, and Brown, G. An emulation of the UNIVAC computer. In Proceedings of the Symposium on Certifiable, Constant-Time Archetypes (July 2003).
[16]
Reddy, R. The transistor no longer considered harmful. In Proceedings of HPCA (Mar. 1991).
[17]
Seshagopalan, R., Engelbart, D., and Kubiatowicz, J. Hunte: Understanding of 8 bit architectures. Journal of Interposable, Cacheable Theory 55 (Jan. 2004), 20-24.
[18]
Stearns, R. Developing IPv6 using knowledge-based communication. In Proceedings of SIGCOMM (Dec. 2001).
[19]
Sun, Z., Dijkstra, E., Milner, R., Newton, I., and Suzuki, L. The influence of certifiable archetypes on machine learning. In Proceedings of PLDI (Apr. 2004).
[20]
Suzuki, K., Schroedinger, E., and Kobayashi, I. Linear-time archetypes for online algorithms. Journal of Authenticated, Compact Archetypes 7 (Apr. 1990), 1-14.
[21]
Taylor, U., Perlis, A., and Martinez, U. A case for telephony. Journal of Pervasive, Mobile Algorithms 5 (Nov. 1996), 53-66.
[22]
Thomas, R., and Gupta, a. Synthesizing RPCs using adaptive epistemologies. Tech. Rep. 3067-57-3247, University of Northern South Dakota, Feb. 2002.
[23]
Thompson, M. Deconstructing simulated annealing. Journal of Introspective, Stochastic Epistemologies 9 (Dec. 2004), 71-82.
Figure 2: A model diagramming the relationship between Tit and spreadsheets.
Reality aside, we would like to explore a design for how Tit might behave in theory. This seems to hold in most cases. We carried out a 1-week-long trace validating that our design is not feasible. This seems to hold in most cases. Consider the early framework by Robin Milner; our model is similar, but will actually address this question. We carried out a 9-day-long trace disproving that our architecture is feasible. Similarly, Figure 1 details a diagram diagramming the relationship between Tit and scalable technology.
4 Implementation
Though we have not yet optimized for usability, this should be simple once we finish optimizing the codebase of 17 B files. Similarly, Tit is composed of a hand-optimized compiler, a client-side library, and a virtual machine monitor. On a similar note, since our heuristic is derived from the principles of electrical engineering, optimizing the hand-optimized compiler was relatively straightforward. Continuing with this rationale, it was necessary to cap the throughput used by Tit to 142 MB/s [7,9]. We plan to release all of this code under public domain.
5 Evaluation
We now discuss our evaluation strategy. Our overall evaluation seeks to prove three hypotheses: (1) that we can do much to adjust a methodology's USB key throughput; (2) that average instruction rate stayed constant across successive generations of Apple Newtons; and finally (3) that architecture has actually shown degraded latency over time. Our evaluation strives to make these points clear.
5.1 Hardware and Software Configuration
Figure 3: The mean sampling rate of our algorithm, as a function of signal-to-noise ratio.
Many hardware modifications were required to measure Tit. We performed a prototype on our signed overlay network to measure U. Suzuki's simulation of Scheme in 2004. despite the fact that such a claim is generally a technical purpose, it is derived from known results. To begin with, we added 7GB/s of Wi-Fi throughput to our encrypted cluster to disprove constant-time archetypes's effect on the paradox of robotics. We removed some USB key space from our Planetlab cluster. With this change, we noted duplicated latency degredation. On a similar note, we doubled the ROM space of our decommissioned IBM PC Juniors. This configuration step was time-consuming but worth it in the end. Next, we added 8 300MB hard disks to our event-driven testbed. Furthermore, we removed more 200GHz Athlon 64s from our human test subjects. In the end, we doubled the NV-RAM space of our underwater cluster.
Figure 4: The 10th-percentile complexity of our framework, as a function of popularity of write-ahead logging [1].
We ran Tit on commodity operating systems, such as Multics Version 6.7, Service Pack 3 and Minix. All software was linked using AT&T System V's compiler linked against wearable libraries for harnessing courseware. We implemented our Smalltalk server in PHP, augmented with topologically randomized extensions. We made all of our software is available under a Microsoft's Shared Source License license.
5.2 Experiments and Results
Figure 5: The expected response time of our framework, as a function of distance.
Given these trivial configurations, we achieved non-trivial results. We ran four novel experiments: (1) we measured Web server and Web server latency on our 10-node testbed; (2) we compared average block size on the Microsoft Windows NT, Microsoft Windows 3.11 and GNU/Debian Linux operating systems; (3) we measured DNS and E-mail performance on our human test subjects; and (4) we compared work factor on the Minix, AT&T System V and OpenBSD operating systems.
We first explain experiments (3) and (4) enumerated above. These interrupt rate observations contrast to those seen in earlier work [6], such as R. Tarjan's seminal treatise on Lamport clocks and observed optical drive speed. Along these same lines, note that compilers have less jagged floppy disk speed curves than do distributed suffix trees. Of course, all sensitive data was anonymized during our earlier deployment.
We have seen one type of behavior in Figures 5 and 4; our other experiments (shown in Figure 4) paint a different picture. The many discontinuities in the graphs point to muted signal-to-noise ratio introduced with our hardware upgrades. Second, these median complexity observations contrast to those seen in earlier work [13], such as Leonard Adleman's seminal treatise on Byzantine fault tolerance and observed tape drive throughput. Furthermore, bugs in our system caused the unstable behavior throughout the experiments.
Lastly, we discuss the second half of our experiments. Note how simulating red-black trees rather than emulating them in bioware produce less discretized, more reproducible results. On a similar note, the curve in Figure 5 should look familiar; it is better known as H(n) = e logn . Along these same lines, Gaussian electromagnetic disturbances in our 2-node overlay network caused unstable experimental results.
6 Conclusion
We validated here that the infamous Bayesian algorithm for the investigation of symmetric encryption by Robinson et al. [22] runs in Ω( n ) time, and our solution is no exception to that rule. Similarly, the characteristics of Tit, in relation to those of more well-known frameworks, are daringly more essential. one potentially improbable flaw of our framework is that it can prevent fiber-optic cables; we plan to address this in future work. We plan to make Tit available on the Web for public download.
In conclusion, our method will overcome many of the obstacles faced by today's systems engineers. Next, Tit can successfully control many robots at once. Finally, we validated that information retrieval systems and Byzantine fault tolerance are generally incompatible.
References
[1]
Abiteboul, S. Massive multiplayer online role-playing games considered harmful. Journal of Client-Server, Pseudorandom Methodologies 19 (Aug. 2001), 79-95.
[2]
Bose, E. Decoupling superpages from Scheme in scatter/gather I/O. In Proceedings of NOSSDAV (Feb. 2003).
[3]
Culler, D., Sutherland, I., and Pnueli, A. Moore's Law no longer considered harmful. In Proceedings of WMSCI (Mar. 1999).
[4]
Davis, N., and Knuth, D. XEROX: Construction of Byzantine fault tolerance. In Proceedings of the Symposium on Lossless, Introspective Information (June 1993).
[5]
ErdÖS, P. An exploration of agents using QuernShooi. Journal of Robust Methodologies 32 (Feb. 2004), 150-197.
[6]
Estrin, D. Redundancy considered harmful. In Proceedings of FPCA (Nov. 1996).
[7]
Floyd, R. The influence of "fuzzy" models on robotics. Journal of Peer-to-Peer Information 69 (Dec. 2002), 88-108.
[8]
Johnson, P. Analyzing telephony and Moore's Law with Hye. In Proceedings of SIGMETRICS (Nov. 2004).
[9]
Jones, F., Anderson, S., Watanabe, a., Adleman, L., Johnson, D., Nehru, P., and Shenker, S. Metamorphic models for Internet QoS. Journal of Automated Reasoning 53 (Apr. 2005), 50-63.
[10]
Karp, R. Contrasting RAID and linked lists. Tech. Rep. 7966/1676, Intel Research, Feb. 1991.
[11]
Leiserson, C. An improvement of context-free grammar using MisselSkittles. In Proceedings of the Conference on Robust, Cooperative Epistemologies (Nov. 2003).
[12]
Moore, E. Certifiable, amphibious models. In Proceedings of SIGCOMM (Jan. 1993).
[13]
Newton, I., Kubiatowicz, J., and Parthasarathy, Y. A methodology for the analysis of forward-error correction. Tech. Rep. 6461-31, University of Northern South Dakota, June 2003.
[14]
Rabin, M. O., and Zhou, I. Emulating spreadsheets and robots. In Proceedings of the Symposium on Read-Write, Atomic Symmetries (July 1997).
[15]
Rangrz, and Brown, G. An emulation of the UNIVAC computer. In Proceedings of the Symposium on Certifiable, Constant-Time Archetypes (July 2003).
[16]
Reddy, R. The transistor no longer considered harmful. In Proceedings of HPCA (Mar. 1991).
[17]
Seshagopalan, R., Engelbart, D., and Kubiatowicz, J. Hunte: Understanding of 8 bit architectures. Journal of Interposable, Cacheable Theory 55 (Jan. 2004), 20-24.
[18]
Stearns, R. Developing IPv6 using knowledge-based communication. In Proceedings of SIGCOMM (Dec. 2001).
[19]
Sun, Z., Dijkstra, E., Milner, R., Newton, I., and Suzuki, L. The influence of certifiable archetypes on machine learning. In Proceedings of PLDI (Apr. 2004).
[20]
Suzuki, K., Schroedinger, E., and Kobayashi, I. Linear-time archetypes for online algorithms. Journal of Authenticated, Compact Archetypes 7 (Apr. 1990), 1-14.
[21]
Taylor, U., Perlis, A., and Martinez, U. A case for telephony. Journal of Pervasive, Mobile Algorithms 5 (Nov. 1996), 53-66.
[22]
Thomas, R., and Gupta, a. Synthesizing RPCs using adaptive epistemologies. Tech. Rep. 3067-57-3247, University of Northern South Dakota, Feb. 2002.
[23]
Thompson, M. Deconstructing simulated annealing. Journal of Introspective, Stochastic Epistemologies 9 (Dec. 2004), 71-82.
started this roofing gig. fucking TOUGH man. 10-14 hour days on the regular, lots of manual labor, shoveling roofing shit into buckets, big ass 30-40lb pry bars for like 5 to 7 hours. I tell you what if this kinda shit doesn't make a man outta you nothing will. looks like I'll be doing this for about 6-8 weeks. but at $29.85 an hour and every hour over 8 in a day is time and a half, so $44.78/hr. so believe that I'm stackin that paper right now. if my calculations are correct I should make about $10k in this 8 week period.
look at me now, look at me now. I'm gettin paperrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
unfortunately I won't be awake to enjoy it until after the work is done cause this shit is tiring as a motherfucker. lol
look at me now, look at me now. I'm gettin paperrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
unfortunately I won't be awake to enjoy it until after the work is done cause this shit is tiring as a motherfucker. lol
from everything except weed.
I don't know how to explain how I feel. It's sort of bitter sweet.
Not more 5 day meth and adderall binges. No more benzo blackouts and destroying everything in my path.
I miss the feeling of being high but I don't miss the experiences and the people for sure. It's not a good world to be in at all now that I think about it. When I think back on the people I met and ran with, I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed with what I did and how I let them treat me.
You would think I would have learned, huh? Watching my parents go through it and then my older sister too.
I'm so thankful my best friend Sam let me move up here and live with her and her girlfriend because I don't know where I'd be. I'm glad I don't have any connections up here because that wouldn't end good.
I still crave it so bad some days, it sucks.
I don't know how to explain how I feel. It's sort of bitter sweet.
Not more 5 day meth and adderall binges. No more benzo blackouts and destroying everything in my path.
I miss the feeling of being high but I don't miss the experiences and the people for sure. It's not a good world to be in at all now that I think about it. When I think back on the people I met and ran with, I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed with what I did and how I let them treat me.
You would think I would have learned, huh? Watching my parents go through it and then my older sister too.
I'm so thankful my best friend Sam let me move up here and live with her and her girlfriend because I don't know where I'd be. I'm glad I don't have any connections up here because that wouldn't end good.
I still crave it so bad some days, it sucks.
I'm ever so weary. And sometimes I really, really just want a cuddle.
I didn't ask for this role. But I'll play it.
I will be stronger tomorrow.
I didn't ask for this role. But I'll play it.
I will be stronger tomorrow.
So, of course, I'm under 18
Don't ask more.
Thursday, Sept 29th, 2011
Someone frames me and says I was snorting lines in 1st period
(I can't say I haven't done lines there before... but I hadn't done that for atleast a week the day that kid framed me)
I get suspended for 5 days, currently pending expulsion FOR BEING FRAMED
I flip out at home, aggressive, put a knife to my neck with NO INTENTION of hurting myself... Just to shock my mom (I'm an asshole)
Friday, Sept 30th, 2011
My mom drives me to San Diego... to tell mental hospital workers I put a knife to my neck... and tells them I wished she would die
I get labeled "5150" which is "A danger to self, and others"
I get ambulanced to a different mental hospital on a 72 hour hold
I get 50mg Diphenhydramine when I complain about insomnia, it didn't work... fell asleep at 4am
Saturday, October 1st, 2011
Wake up at 7am, meet a bunch of other teens... hospital refuses to give me my Adderall
I get 125mg Diphenhydramine when I complain about insomnia, it didn't work... fell asleep at 4am
Sunday, October 2nd, 2011
Wake up at 7am, to see the other teens... hospital refuses to give me my Adderall
I complain of Anxiety, pulse is 115, 129, and 105 when they check my vitals... they give me nothing
I get 140mg Zopiclone from another mental hospital patient to try to sleep, doesn't do anything
I get 50mg Trazadone for insomnia, it didn't work... fell asleep at 4am
Monday, October 3rd, 2011
Wake up at 7am, see the teens again
Doctors show me a paper saying my "Outpatient" diagnosises were Anxiety Disorder N.O.S.
ADHD
Doctors show me a paper saying my "Inpatient" diagnosises (which means they "rediagnosed" me) were Anxiety Disorder N.O.S. ADHD PTSD and Insomnia
My mom still has my phone, my iPod, my wallet, changes my computer's password, and finds out I've been dealing drugs by reading my texts
So, I'm forced to go to therapy once a week
My mom refuses to give me my Adderall unless it is a school day
My mom refuses to let me see my Psychiatrist for an SSRI or Benzos for Anxiety/PTSD
My mom refuses to let me see my Psychiatrist for a sleep aid for Insomnia/PTSD
What did I get out of all of this?
-My mom refusing me to obtain psychiatrist meds
-My mom forcing me to weekly therapy sessions
-I find out I have 5 different diagnosed disorders
-I repeat, I can't get meds for them
-Plus, I have to go to an expulsion hearing... WHEN I'M BEING FRAMED
Great, I would rather be sent back to the loony bin for 3 more days and cost her ass $3,000 more
Don't ask more.
Thursday, Sept 29th, 2011
Someone frames me and says I was snorting lines in 1st period
(I can't say I haven't done lines there before... but I hadn't done that for atleast a week the day that kid framed me)
I get suspended for 5 days, currently pending expulsion FOR BEING FRAMED
I flip out at home, aggressive, put a knife to my neck with NO INTENTION of hurting myself... Just to shock my mom (I'm an asshole)
Friday, Sept 30th, 2011
My mom drives me to San Diego... to tell mental hospital workers I put a knife to my neck... and tells them I wished she would die
I get labeled "5150" which is "A danger to self, and others"
I get ambulanced to a different mental hospital on a 72 hour hold
I get 50mg Diphenhydramine when I complain about insomnia, it didn't work... fell asleep at 4am
Saturday, October 1st, 2011
Wake up at 7am, meet a bunch of other teens... hospital refuses to give me my Adderall
I get 125mg Diphenhydramine when I complain about insomnia, it didn't work... fell asleep at 4am
Sunday, October 2nd, 2011
Wake up at 7am, to see the other teens... hospital refuses to give me my Adderall
I complain of Anxiety, pulse is 115, 129, and 105 when they check my vitals... they give me nothing
I get 140mg Zopiclone from another mental hospital patient to try to sleep, doesn't do anything
I get 50mg Trazadone for insomnia, it didn't work... fell asleep at 4am
Monday, October 3rd, 2011
Wake up at 7am, see the teens again
Doctors show me a paper saying my "Outpatient" diagnosises were Anxiety Disorder N.O.S.
ADHD
Doctors show me a paper saying my "Inpatient" diagnosises (which means they "rediagnosed" me) were Anxiety Disorder N.O.S. ADHD PTSD and Insomnia
My mom still has my phone, my iPod, my wallet, changes my computer's password, and finds out I've been dealing drugs by reading my texts
So, I'm forced to go to therapy once a week
My mom refuses to give me my Adderall unless it is a school day
My mom refuses to let me see my Psychiatrist for an SSRI or Benzos for Anxiety/PTSD
My mom refuses to let me see my Psychiatrist for a sleep aid for Insomnia/PTSD
What did I get out of all of this?
-My mom refusing me to obtain psychiatrist meds
-My mom forcing me to weekly therapy sessions
-I find out I have 5 different diagnosed disorders
-I repeat, I can't get meds for them
-Plus, I have to go to an expulsion hearing... WHEN I'M BEING FRAMED
Great, I would rather be sent back to the loony bin for 3 more days and cost her ass $3,000 more
It's been 3days? or so since our first date. Her name is Rachel, we met in NA. People in the program usually beat other people up about getting in a relationship in the program, they think it's all about a booty call/1night stand. and this is diffrent on such a next level.
In the 12 x 12 it tells you about dating in the program. these relationships can be the best because both man and woman are on the same page, recovery.
Rachel and I's relationship began when we just casually started talking after a meeting one night, and it shot off from there, we have just so much in common! from the music we like, to our family, and intrest's in things we like to do with our time.
I'm still new in relationships, and it's the first i've had while being in the program. I don't want to be like one of the other guys that get's with the new comer girls, which i'm being rediculed of that where I live.
She is such an amazing girl, my little rachel. it's offical now, we are a couple. yeah it's only day 3? but in those 3 days we've learned more about each other, have opened up to each other then with most of our family. we've both told each other stuff that we wouldn'tve told anyone.
Since we are both in the program we don't have to worry about having to do drugs/drink to be able to feel close to one another, shit just happens. and has happened!
We so next leveled the shit!!
Now for sex, I want that moment to be absoutly perferct. I don't want to hurt her in anyway, and have told her that. I think she's the one for me, and building a relationship all on sex will fail, and I don't want it to fail. so sex is the last thing I want from her right now, its more about connecting on a spiritual level so when that time does happen we will both be ready, and really enjoy it, and will be magical.
sofar the past 3 days have been the best days of my life this year (and really all my life). just knowing that I have an awesome lady friend in my life.
We are boyfriend and girlfriend, and hopefully, someday when the time is right she will be my wife..THATS wayy down the road tho lol today is day 4!
love u all
drew
In the 12 x 12 it tells you about dating in the program. these relationships can be the best because both man and woman are on the same page, recovery.
Rachel and I's relationship began when we just casually started talking after a meeting one night, and it shot off from there, we have just so much in common! from the music we like, to our family, and intrest's in things we like to do with our time.
I'm still new in relationships, and it's the first i've had while being in the program. I don't want to be like one of the other guys that get's with the new comer girls, which i'm being rediculed of that where I live.
She is such an amazing girl, my little rachel. it's offical now, we are a couple. yeah it's only day 3? but in those 3 days we've learned more about each other, have opened up to each other then with most of our family. we've both told each other stuff that we wouldn'tve told anyone.
Since we are both in the program we don't have to worry about having to do drugs/drink to be able to feel close to one another, shit just happens. and has happened!
We so next leveled the shit!!
Now for sex, I want that moment to be absoutly perferct. I don't want to hurt her in anyway, and have told her that. I think she's the one for me, and building a relationship all on sex will fail, and I don't want it to fail. so sex is the last thing I want from her right now, its more about connecting on a spiritual level so when that time does happen we will both be ready, and really enjoy it, and will be magical.
sofar the past 3 days have been the best days of my life this year (and really all my life). just knowing that I have an awesome lady friend in my life.
We are boyfriend and girlfriend, and hopefully, someday when the time is right she will be my wife..THATS wayy down the road tho lol today is day 4!
love u all
drew
So yeah I said "more later" but obviously never got back to it. Such a procrastinator. It wasn't ego death unfortunately, but it has had a lasting impact on me. I've been eating FAR healthier since my last blog posting and am a lot more active physically. I am also working on romantic socialization (I am VERY introverted).
I only use it once a week now. Since that post I did experience what many describe as a k-hole and I thankfully weathered it well -- probably because of the opioid actions in MxE mediating my paranoia.
The euphoria rivals that of many opioids I have used and opioids are my drug of choice so from me that is saying a lot. I know all too well that it could be easily to get addicted to MxE.
--------
I finished off my Methylone. It was enjoyable burning the midnight serotonin with Lady M1. Now that it's schedule I I won't be ordering more even though I could. It is far too expensive now and since its illicit it now will get cut to hell and back with adulterants -- if I want to risk buying an illicit I may as well get MDMA which doesn't cost much more in comparison.
Methylone is the only stimulant I enjoyed. I hate that the government banned it with no research. Non-entactogenic central stimulants only have value for me when using them for exercise and/or weight loss. I also did not like Mephedrone and HATED MDPV so much I dumped 200mg in the trash. Whomever synth'd MDPV and was quick to disclose its formula must not have tried it! No offense to those whose DOC is MDPV. Enjoy it don't let me rain on your parade.
EDIT: Also, those cathinones would have been scheduled much later if it were not for irresponsible head shops stocking "bath salts." Please do not nickname drugs, do not slap a fancy colorful label on them and put them in convenience stores. And remember that discretion outside of communities like this is crucial to keeping these compounds low profile. Do us psychonauts a favor and just don't sell that stuff in brick and mortar stores whatsoever thanks. And shame on the shops who knowingly sold to minors.
I only use it once a week now. Since that post I did experience what many describe as a k-hole and I thankfully weathered it well -- probably because of the opioid actions in MxE mediating my paranoia.
The euphoria rivals that of many opioids I have used and opioids are my drug of choice so from me that is saying a lot. I know all too well that it could be easily to get addicted to MxE.
--------
I finished off my Methylone. It was enjoyable burning the midnight serotonin with Lady M1. Now that it's schedule I I won't be ordering more even though I could. It is far too expensive now and since its illicit it now will get cut to hell and back with adulterants -- if I want to risk buying an illicit I may as well get MDMA which doesn't cost much more in comparison.
Methylone is the only stimulant I enjoyed. I hate that the government banned it with no research. Non-entactogenic central stimulants only have value for me when using them for exercise and/or weight loss. I also did not like Mephedrone and HATED MDPV so much I dumped 200mg in the trash. Whomever synth'd MDPV and was quick to disclose its formula must not have tried it! No offense to those whose DOC is MDPV. Enjoy it don't let me rain on your parade.
EDIT: Also, those cathinones would have been scheduled much later if it were not for irresponsible head shops stocking "bath salts." Please do not nickname drugs, do not slap a fancy colorful label on them and put them in convenience stores. And remember that discretion outside of communities like this is crucial to keeping these compounds low profile. Do us psychonauts a favor and just don't sell that stuff in brick and mortar stores whatsoever thanks. And shame on the shops who knowingly sold to minors.
When your soulmate calls the relationship shit and says a bucketload of hurtful bullcrap that is only partially true...
Then after 4hrs of intense arguing thinks that hugging and stuff will make it all better. Wakes up the next day and thinks "I love you's" and hugs will erase the pain inflicted.
...and I'm foolish enough to still be completely head over heals gone in love for her. I still want to be with her. Still want to live with her. Still want her for the rest of my life and thereafter.
Bah, I'm fucked.![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
Well, we all know our worst enemy is our greatest love. They have the ability to hurt the most, to completely destroy you.
*sigh*
Oh well.
Then after 4hrs of intense arguing thinks that hugging and stuff will make it all better. Wakes up the next day and thinks "I love you's" and hugs will erase the pain inflicted.
...and I'm foolish enough to still be completely head over heals gone in love for her. I still want to be with her. Still want to live with her. Still want her for the rest of my life and thereafter.
Bah, I'm fucked.
Well, we all know our worst enemy is our greatest love. They have the ability to hurt the most, to completely destroy you.
*sigh*
Oh well.
I feel like it's probably really sad and pathetic to be writing three blog entries (does a URL count?) in one day? I guess it doesn't really matter as nobody will be reading this anyway so I'm sure I shan't be judged.
Bluelight used to be a place where I'd keep lots of my thoughts and I thought I'd moved on from it... some of the content from previous accounts is too painful to look at... but I can't talk about that now otherwise my heart will just start to get sore. It's crazy how snapshots of the past can be looked up with a simple search. I had to stop that because it wasn't healthy. Anyway, non existent reader, you don't know what I'm talking about and I don't want to tell you because my failings still weigh down my shoulders on nights like this.
Yet...
Isn't it strange how the plaintive chords of a piano or the gentle hum of a guitar can transport you back in time? How songs can give you a memory so intense that you can feel the shoes you were wearing that day and smell the citrus tang of the scent you'd so carefully chosen?
I have to be so careful. Music can bring an abundance of tears if I'm not careful. And I do try never to cry these days. I guess it's the closest thing I'll ever have to a time machine.
As an example listening to "Late in the Day" by Supergrass reminds me of being at Solfest with all my friends. It was the last Solfest we had before Murray's accident I think. I remember standing in the crowd at dusk when it started playing. I could smell the last of the sun's heat rising from the grass below us. Lanterns were being lit and were floating upwards like shoals of dreams off to seek their fortune in the heavens. I was warmed by rum. I was loved by the friends I was standing with. My heart was smarting from something I can't write about here... but I could justify feeling happy by being glad that I had been loved, even if I had brought that love to its knees and then ripped it's head off.
I don't know. These last few years I just don't feel the same. I don't want to go out partying all the time. I don't feel like I'm part of things. I feel like the sad old bastard hanging out with the younglings. I've had my share of dancing until dawn, of getting high, of adventuring through weekends with my friends by my side. Somewhere along the line I feel like I lost sight of what I really wanted and I stopped functioning. My heart was rent asunder for the final time in around 2007/2008... god, so long ago, that I can't even remember. I don't think I ever recovered and I've not been able to use my heart since. But I don't mind. I can cope. I'm brave and I'm strong and I don't need anyone or anything.
Anyway as I was saying I feel like I lost myself somewhere along the line. I'd find myself at 5am with a bunch of people that I wasn't too sure of feeling like I just wanted to go home and go to bed or have a cup of tea and play my records. Thankfully I always had Colm and Eilidh nearby, making sure I had a coat, and a cigarette, and a lift home. Sometimes I wonder if all that was just my way of acting out. I became everything I hated. I tried to rip my soul out so that it would stop screaming.
But, what was it that damaged me to the point that I couldn't function? I can't pin-point any one thing. I think I've been too trusting and too open with the wrong people and they've ended up taking advantage of it and I've ended up the scapegoat and stuck on the end of shitty behaviour by other people. It still happens now but I just don't care anymore. I think I took love for granted and treated it like it owed me something when really it owed me nothing. It was a privilege not a right.
So here I am at 30. I'm alone and I'm ok. Sometimes I feel like everything is just too much but deep down I know that I'll always keep going and I'll always try to find a way back because somewhere along the line there will be something that makes all of the tears, and the pain, and the loss, worth it.
I'll never again be intimate with someone which makes me sad. For a long time I didn't want to be. Then came a time when I thought maybe I could try putting my heart on sleeve again. But that idea was just silly and now I'm content to be alone. I've got an unending capacity for love towards people like Colm, Eil, Debbie, Spiff, Pat etc who have stood by me and their hugs and their choice to spend time with me is all I need to try and fulfil what can be an empty black hole inside at times.
Cor, look at me spilling my guts on a website, it's pretty sad to be honest. But if I don't do this here then I won't do it anywhere and I'll feel bad.
I love music. I love writing. I love photography. I love my friends and family. This is the love that I need to focus on and I can be ok again. I can exist without the feeling of impending darkness.
Here's a secret.
I car-crashed my way through my twenties because I thought I would be dead before I turned 30.
Now, here I am at 30, and I'm having to plan for a future wasn't convinced I'd have...
And I still fear that I'm going to die before I'm 40.
Maybe one day someone will read this and know who I am. I'll have some kind of legacy even if it's just a snapshot of someone who thinks too much and who can't seem to walk in time with the rest of the world.
All I can do is continue to write, and to paint, and to sing, and to laugh, and to play my guitar, and love the things and people that make me happy. It's my life and I'm going to try and do the best I can with it.
Bluelight used to be a place where I'd keep lots of my thoughts and I thought I'd moved on from it... some of the content from previous accounts is too painful to look at... but I can't talk about that now otherwise my heart will just start to get sore. It's crazy how snapshots of the past can be looked up with a simple search. I had to stop that because it wasn't healthy. Anyway, non existent reader, you don't know what I'm talking about and I don't want to tell you because my failings still weigh down my shoulders on nights like this.
Yet...
Isn't it strange how the plaintive chords of a piano or the gentle hum of a guitar can transport you back in time? How songs can give you a memory so intense that you can feel the shoes you were wearing that day and smell the citrus tang of the scent you'd so carefully chosen?
I have to be so careful. Music can bring an abundance of tears if I'm not careful. And I do try never to cry these days. I guess it's the closest thing I'll ever have to a time machine.
As an example listening to "Late in the Day" by Supergrass reminds me of being at Solfest with all my friends. It was the last Solfest we had before Murray's accident I think. I remember standing in the crowd at dusk when it started playing. I could smell the last of the sun's heat rising from the grass below us. Lanterns were being lit and were floating upwards like shoals of dreams off to seek their fortune in the heavens. I was warmed by rum. I was loved by the friends I was standing with. My heart was smarting from something I can't write about here... but I could justify feeling happy by being glad that I had been loved, even if I had brought that love to its knees and then ripped it's head off.
I don't know. These last few years I just don't feel the same. I don't want to go out partying all the time. I don't feel like I'm part of things. I feel like the sad old bastard hanging out with the younglings. I've had my share of dancing until dawn, of getting high, of adventuring through weekends with my friends by my side. Somewhere along the line I feel like I lost sight of what I really wanted and I stopped functioning. My heart was rent asunder for the final time in around 2007/2008... god, so long ago, that I can't even remember. I don't think I ever recovered and I've not been able to use my heart since. But I don't mind. I can cope. I'm brave and I'm strong and I don't need anyone or anything.
Anyway as I was saying I feel like I lost myself somewhere along the line. I'd find myself at 5am with a bunch of people that I wasn't too sure of feeling like I just wanted to go home and go to bed or have a cup of tea and play my records. Thankfully I always had Colm and Eilidh nearby, making sure I had a coat, and a cigarette, and a lift home. Sometimes I wonder if all that was just my way of acting out. I became everything I hated. I tried to rip my soul out so that it would stop screaming.
But, what was it that damaged me to the point that I couldn't function? I can't pin-point any one thing. I think I've been too trusting and too open with the wrong people and they've ended up taking advantage of it and I've ended up the scapegoat and stuck on the end of shitty behaviour by other people. It still happens now but I just don't care anymore. I think I took love for granted and treated it like it owed me something when really it owed me nothing. It was a privilege not a right.
So here I am at 30. I'm alone and I'm ok. Sometimes I feel like everything is just too much but deep down I know that I'll always keep going and I'll always try to find a way back because somewhere along the line there will be something that makes all of the tears, and the pain, and the loss, worth it.
I'll never again be intimate with someone which makes me sad. For a long time I didn't want to be. Then came a time when I thought maybe I could try putting my heart on sleeve again. But that idea was just silly and now I'm content to be alone. I've got an unending capacity for love towards people like Colm, Eil, Debbie, Spiff, Pat etc who have stood by me and their hugs and their choice to spend time with me is all I need to try and fulfil what can be an empty black hole inside at times.
Cor, look at me spilling my guts on a website, it's pretty sad to be honest. But if I don't do this here then I won't do it anywhere and I'll feel bad.
I love music. I love writing. I love photography. I love my friends and family. This is the love that I need to focus on and I can be ok again. I can exist without the feeling of impending darkness.
Here's a secret.
I car-crashed my way through my twenties because I thought I would be dead before I turned 30.
Now, here I am at 30, and I'm having to plan for a future wasn't convinced I'd have...
And I still fear that I'm going to die before I'm 40.
Maybe one day someone will read this and know who I am. I'll have some kind of legacy even if it's just a snapshot of someone who thinks too much and who can't seem to walk in time with the rest of the world.
All I can do is continue to write, and to paint, and to sing, and to laugh, and to play my guitar, and love the things and people that make me happy. It's my life and I'm going to try and do the best I can with it.
Oh, that was a painful night.
I only managed to get to sleep about 5am after taking some co-dydramol. Now I'm up again and groggy.
Hopefully it means tonight I'll get a good long sleep without medicating.
I think that my back is the issue, it's sore again, and I can feel it twitch when I'm lying down.
Gah. I've nothing useful to say. I'll come back to blog later.
My baby niece is downstairs, I think I want to just go and give her a cuddle and chill out.
I only managed to get to sleep about 5am after taking some co-dydramol. Now I'm up again and groggy.
Hopefully it means tonight I'll get a good long sleep without medicating.
I think that my back is the issue, it's sore again, and I can feel it twitch when I'm lying down.
Gah. I've nothing useful to say. I'll come back to blog later.
My baby niece is downstairs, I think I want to just go and give her a cuddle and chill out.
Sunny at dawn, cloudy at lunch, and now as the sun sets we are looking at a mesh of pink, grey, and blue.
I could enjoy a soothing beverage at this moment.
Simply a day with the computer.
I could enjoy a soothing beverage at this moment.
Simply a day with the computer.
Outside is gray and still.
The water is dotted with white and black in the distance and the only disturbances are the occasional crabbing boat passing by.
The grey sky meets the water in a perfect way.
I love days this way.
I love when I have the time to sit here and just stare out the window at something that so captures what I feel.
This last week I've been, almost outside of myself.
In a strange place mentally.
I feel like I'm standing still.
The water is dotted with white and black in the distance and the only disturbances are the occasional crabbing boat passing by.
The grey sky meets the water in a perfect way.
I love days this way.
I love when I have the time to sit here and just stare out the window at something that so captures what I feel.
This last week I've been, almost outside of myself.
In a strange place mentally.
I feel like I'm standing still.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/the_loving_abyss/
My photo collection. I can't afford a pro account until I get paid, so starting off with this.
My photo collection. I can't afford a pro account until I get paid, so starting off with this.
Now then. An online journal entry. I haven't done one of these in YEARS. I always wanted to be able to blog well. I just can't though. My thoughts and ideas are erratic and troubling at times and I don't really feel like anyone needs to see them...
I'm on annual leave from work. Just three days. Life's exhausting me at the moment which is suprising as this is one of the most quiet times I've had in a long time. These periods of respite from dramatic times are never appreciated at the time. I figured a few days to sew my soul back to my body would be useful. I'll return to work on Monday and pray to whatever deity is listening that I have renewed energy to get through it until I've figured out where I'm really going.
Between the ages of 28 and 30 I seem to have gone through a period of abandonment. I blame myself mostly, I've been aggressively full on and there were a lot of people in my life that were really bad for me. I might not have a lot of people in my life now but I feel more secure because the ones who have stuck around (who were the ones I didn't expect to) have been loyal which means a lot. There's a few I've lost who I miss badly. Some of them are still under the same sky... and sadly a few have returned to the earth. I guess that's the cycle of life though and all I can do is hold each and every one close to my heart. Anyone who finds their way back will always find home with me. Good friends are too precious not to forgive.
There's this thing called Saturn Return that I think my life has been going through: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saturn_return
I know it sounds like pretentious hippy bullshit but I genuinely feel like things have changed since I turned 30 in July. In many ways I'm growing more mature and I'm more level-headed. I've been able to admit to myself that I've treated people in my life badly and that I did it through lack of attention to what was going on rather than deliberate spite. My heart hurts for some of the things that I did to others and it also hurts for what other people did to me. I take responsibility though. Nobody can hurt you unless you let them... and it was always easier for me to play the victim than stand up to someone.
I'm looking after myself a bit better now. I've got a problem with my blood pressure (diastolic) which I need to take medication for. I've been diagnosed with a metabolic problem which means my diet is going to change drastically. For someone who loves their food... it's going to be hard.
There's this yearning in my soul to get a cottage in the country, a dog, and grow vegetables and herbs in a beautiful garden. I want to sit in front of an open fire and knit while listening to Radio 2. I want to look after my friends and my family. I want to go to music festivals but go to bed before 10am in the morning.
Has my life been so incredibly shallow? All those nights up until dawn, sitting round a campfire with virtual strangers, making new friends and hearing the most incredible life stories. All I can do is be joyful that some of those friendships have lasted and have inspired me to look at life differently. The bad times have shown me that the festivals and raves are not a lifestyle I want to be completely submerged in... I'd rather record it for posterity in words and photographs. I'm alternative but I'm not extreme enough to believe in anything completely. I probably would have made a good journalist, I prefer to sit back and observe.
A quote from Almost Famous from legendary "Band Aid" Miss Penny Lane
"I always tell the girls, never take it seriously. If you never take it seriously, you never get hurt. If you never get hurt, you always have fun. And if you ever get lonely, you can just go to the record store and visit your friends."
Well, I don't know why I'm writing this journal entry other than I don't have many people to talk to these days... and sometimes it's just nice to record how I feel at a moment in time.
I sometimes think my heart will never be full and that I could go on loving the world forever and ever. My heart, the loving abyss.
I'm on annual leave from work. Just three days. Life's exhausting me at the moment which is suprising as this is one of the most quiet times I've had in a long time. These periods of respite from dramatic times are never appreciated at the time. I figured a few days to sew my soul back to my body would be useful. I'll return to work on Monday and pray to whatever deity is listening that I have renewed energy to get through it until I've figured out where I'm really going.
Between the ages of 28 and 30 I seem to have gone through a period of abandonment. I blame myself mostly, I've been aggressively full on and there were a lot of people in my life that were really bad for me. I might not have a lot of people in my life now but I feel more secure because the ones who have stuck around (who were the ones I didn't expect to) have been loyal which means a lot. There's a few I've lost who I miss badly. Some of them are still under the same sky... and sadly a few have returned to the earth. I guess that's the cycle of life though and all I can do is hold each and every one close to my heart. Anyone who finds their way back will always find home with me. Good friends are too precious not to forgive.
There's this thing called Saturn Return that I think my life has been going through: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saturn_return
I know it sounds like pretentious hippy bullshit but I genuinely feel like things have changed since I turned 30 in July. In many ways I'm growing more mature and I'm more level-headed. I've been able to admit to myself that I've treated people in my life badly and that I did it through lack of attention to what was going on rather than deliberate spite. My heart hurts for some of the things that I did to others and it also hurts for what other people did to me. I take responsibility though. Nobody can hurt you unless you let them... and it was always easier for me to play the victim than stand up to someone.
I'm looking after myself a bit better now. I've got a problem with my blood pressure (diastolic) which I need to take medication for. I've been diagnosed with a metabolic problem which means my diet is going to change drastically. For someone who loves their food... it's going to be hard.
There's this yearning in my soul to get a cottage in the country, a dog, and grow vegetables and herbs in a beautiful garden. I want to sit in front of an open fire and knit while listening to Radio 2. I want to look after my friends and my family. I want to go to music festivals but go to bed before 10am in the morning.
Has my life been so incredibly shallow? All those nights up until dawn, sitting round a campfire with virtual strangers, making new friends and hearing the most incredible life stories. All I can do is be joyful that some of those friendships have lasted and have inspired me to look at life differently. The bad times have shown me that the festivals and raves are not a lifestyle I want to be completely submerged in... I'd rather record it for posterity in words and photographs. I'm alternative but I'm not extreme enough to believe in anything completely. I probably would have made a good journalist, I prefer to sit back and observe.
A quote from Almost Famous from legendary "Band Aid" Miss Penny Lane
"I always tell the girls, never take it seriously. If you never take it seriously, you never get hurt. If you never get hurt, you always have fun. And if you ever get lonely, you can just go to the record store and visit your friends."
Well, I don't know why I'm writing this journal entry other than I don't have many people to talk to these days... and sometimes it's just nice to record how I feel at a moment in time.
I sometimes think my heart will never be full and that I could go on loving the world forever and ever. My heart, the loving abyss.
If you read this your prolly gay.
REAL LIFE
REAL LIFE
I have a lot of digital art that I am trying to get exposure for, how would I go about showcasing them on bluglight?
I will embed one as a test but the embed feature has been acting up for me.
I will embed one as a test but the embed feature has been acting up for me.
1. Layne Staley (Alice In Chains and Mad Season)
2. Maynard James Keenan (Tool, A Perfect Circle and Puscifer)
3. Jerry Cantrell (Alice In Chains)
4. Klaus Meine (Scorpions)
5. Dave Mustaine (Megadeth and the ego's Metallica for a little while)
6. Ronnie James Dio (Dio, Rainbow, Black Sabbath)
7. Bruce Dickinson (Iron Maiden)
8. Ozzy Osbourne (Black Sabbath)
9. Alice Cooper
10. James Hetfield (Metallica)
2. Maynard James Keenan (Tool, A Perfect Circle and Puscifer)
3. Jerry Cantrell (Alice In Chains)
4. Klaus Meine (Scorpions)
5. Dave Mustaine (Megadeth and the ego's Metallica for a little while)
6. Ronnie James Dio (Dio, Rainbow, Black Sabbath)
7. Bruce Dickinson (Iron Maiden)
8. Ozzy Osbourne (Black Sabbath)
9. Alice Cooper
10. James Hetfield (Metallica)
Scored it in New Orleans,Took the powder out of the capsule, and it had a very salty taste, too harsh to snort so i poored it into a cup of water and drank it. Effects started to set in after about 30 mins.
The effects felt very similar to MDMA(very euphoric; vision was also affected). Example: I was talking to my friend at a nightclub and could have sworn he was wearing a pair of glasses.(He was definately NOT though) Not very long lasting(2 1/2 hours tops), and virtually no comedown. After we left the club I was able to eat with no problem, and could go to sleep as I'm typing this. Any thoughts on what this may have been?
So what was this? Any speculation is appreciated. .
The effects felt very similar to MDMA(very euphoric; vision was also affected). Example: I was talking to my friend at a nightclub and could have sworn he was wearing a pair of glasses.(He was definately NOT though) Not very long lasting(2 1/2 hours tops), and virtually no comedown. After we left the club I was able to eat with no problem, and could go to sleep as I'm typing this. Any thoughts on what this may have been?
So what was this? Any speculation is appreciated. .
Scored it in New Orleans,Took the powder out of the capsule, and it had a very salty taste, too harsh to snort so i poored it into a cup of water and drank it. The high felt very similar to MDMA, but not very long lasting, and a very smooth comedown. i bought two capsules for 25$. Any thoughts on what this may have been?
Any speculation is appreciated.
Any speculation is appreciated.
So back again to spill some shit. It's so nice out here all the beautiful colors of fall and here i haven't left my house in days. I can tell winters coming because I have been unwittingly closing myself off again. This hasn't worked well in the past and I know that but not going to stop it. It is strange to me that it happens every year without me even realising. Maybe I'm weird to look forward to being isolated but I do enjoy it at the same time I get so depressed staring at the same four walls. Yep I had better grab some books and dig in for winter.
As the adage tells us, when it rains it pours and right now, right here, it is one hell of a storm. The NPA (Maoists) are still blowing shit up all over the place and now Abu Sayyaf, the MILF and the MNLF have joined the circle jerk as well. The Filipinos are so cute.; for "fighters" they use 1960s-era OV-10 Broncos. They can't fly worth a shit and often drop their load in the wrong places. So far they have been hitting the mark but I admit, hearing them roar (you hear them before you see them) does give me pause. I don't want to end up as two short sentences on ppA23 of the Tuesday New York Times.
Got those shotguns and I admit I really fucked up given the price of even conventional shot gun rounds and the inability to carry many of them around. Still great piece and I have personally having a ball shooting dragons breath and bolo rounds. I didn't know that dragons breath rounds are problematic in automatic shotguns! When you chamber, the previous round pops hard out of the side and with these rounds the shells spit a bit of flame for a milisecond or so after firing so that if someone is to the right of you as you are firing on auto they risk serious injury. Anyway, it isn't like I was gonna give super-expencive rounds to the men walking the line. Next time around I will switch back to assault rifles. A friend of my father in law is arranging a meeting with a manufacturer in Danao.
The municipality of Danao, on Cebu Island, a 20 hour sail north of Mindanao (or 45 minutes by plane) has a homegrown weapons industry. When I had gone to Peshwar in Pakistan there was a town in the north, inside the NW Tribal Zone, where they could make just about any short or long arm you wanted, even from photos. I was very impressed. Come to find out a few years ago that the same thing takes place on Cebu.
A 45 caliber pistol, legal, will cost you 600 US new here. Getting it manufactured in Danao runs about 90 US. AR15s are all the rage because Flips love M16s, or as they call them, "Armalites." They even had a legal factory manufacturing them on liscence for awhile. Getting one manufactured now on Danao costs 240 US BUT IF you buy it in bulk you can get it as low as. 160 US depending on the quantity. We are setting up an appointment to talk though I really don't want to go up to Cenu, G-D forbid I might run into Rizza in Cebu City.
On the Kidnap tip, a 14 year old girl, a 30-something woman and a 5 year old boy were grabbed in different kidnappings locally this week, just a fun place. I have behun considering taking out a a Ransom Policy. Certain insurers sell such policies, the good ones include negotiators but I don't see any advantage. My loved ones know the territory better than some Westerner who of course will make the negotiations drag out as he tries to get the ransom lowered since it comes out of his firm's bottom line.
Another Italian priest was murdered this past week. These dummies involve themselves in local political issues, is it any wonder? Father Fausto Tentorio bit the bullet, literally.
I have been watching some crazy shit on Youtube in my offtime. I t is called "Retarded Policeman," and it has a Down Syndrome guy dressing like a cop and then having him pull cars over. The shit is so stupid but makes you piss none the less. I have also been watching "The Guild," a Youtube series of shorts about an online gaming crew, its pretty funny also but not nearly as much as "Retarded Policeman."
Got those shotguns and I admit I really fucked up given the price of even conventional shot gun rounds and the inability to carry many of them around. Still great piece and I have personally having a ball shooting dragons breath and bolo rounds. I didn't know that dragons breath rounds are problematic in automatic shotguns! When you chamber, the previous round pops hard out of the side and with these rounds the shells spit a bit of flame for a milisecond or so after firing so that if someone is to the right of you as you are firing on auto they risk serious injury. Anyway, it isn't like I was gonna give super-expencive rounds to the men walking the line. Next time around I will switch back to assault rifles. A friend of my father in law is arranging a meeting with a manufacturer in Danao.
The municipality of Danao, on Cebu Island, a 20 hour sail north of Mindanao (or 45 minutes by plane) has a homegrown weapons industry. When I had gone to Peshwar in Pakistan there was a town in the north, inside the NW Tribal Zone, where they could make just about any short or long arm you wanted, even from photos. I was very impressed. Come to find out a few years ago that the same thing takes place on Cebu.
A 45 caliber pistol, legal, will cost you 600 US new here. Getting it manufactured in Danao runs about 90 US. AR15s are all the rage because Flips love M16s, or as they call them, "Armalites." They even had a legal factory manufacturing them on liscence for awhile. Getting one manufactured now on Danao costs 240 US BUT IF you buy it in bulk you can get it as low as. 160 US depending on the quantity. We are setting up an appointment to talk though I really don't want to go up to Cenu, G-D forbid I might run into Rizza in Cebu City.
On the Kidnap tip, a 14 year old girl, a 30-something woman and a 5 year old boy were grabbed in different kidnappings locally this week, just a fun place. I have behun considering taking out a a Ransom Policy. Certain insurers sell such policies, the good ones include negotiators but I don't see any advantage. My loved ones know the territory better than some Westerner who of course will make the negotiations drag out as he tries to get the ransom lowered since it comes out of his firm's bottom line.
Another Italian priest was murdered this past week. These dummies involve themselves in local political issues, is it any wonder? Father Fausto Tentorio bit the bullet, literally.
I have been watching some crazy shit on Youtube in my offtime. I t is called "Retarded Policeman," and it has a Down Syndrome guy dressing like a cop and then having him pull cars over. The shit is so stupid but makes you piss none the less. I have also been watching "The Guild," a Youtube series of shorts about an online gaming crew, its pretty funny also but not nearly as much as "Retarded Policeman."
i was 18 in dahad (egypt) and for the new year we dropped acid, turns out it changed my live, it changed everything, and post that well the atheism made no sense at all, i understood what all those religion were talking about, i saw the light, i understood it was the most important thing in the world, it just is fucking crazy that this can happen to a human brain, and that you can come back from it, and not have special power or something post that, its really fucking crazy that a illegal substance could be bigger than everything you have ever learn, thats its bigger than everything you have ever heard, that the whole school system, the whole culture, the whole belief from your upbringing has being dwarf to such a extent that it become ,,,idk, iwas gonna say laughable but it sure didnt turned out to be funny, because then you realize that everyone is acting like monkeys trowing poop around and being totally unevolved and clueless about it all, and even tho there is religion all around talking about parts of this, most follower are totally in the dark about what those religion are talking about, but then i understood they all talked about the same thing, all from a different perspective, all from a different cultural bias, and i could not do better, i was speechless, so ateism sure got the fuck out but science got pretty thin too, it did not go far at all at explaining much anything in regards to that
so i had to go look for whatever else there was out there and i found taoism, it made sense, it made perfect sense to me, and it ended up being my main model to translate back to normal human language this out of this words experience,
i had to bring it back, i had to dress it up with normal words and stop my speechlessness
but even then, even if now i feel like im good enough to make sense of it with words, it still aint there within the words, its there somewhere between the lines but it aint, its there for me because its inside myself, it aint gonna be there for someone else because my truth isnt his truth, my words arent his, my choice of words or expression or pattern of organization...isnt gonna be his so its gonna end up being something else, something that it aint suppose to be, unless he doesnt need my words for it because he got there too,
but thats the situation with religion, a bunch of people who have no clue for the most part because someone ended up doing just like me and opened his mouth and then people kill themself over what they think it means
so im doing it wrong...
i should just stfu
but then people dont really listen and its already out there anyway, but those who talk usually dont know, those who know they stfu
and im talking so...
i use to stfu, i use to start it in my head and it would come back to it useless to share, because "the tao that can be told is not the eternal tao"
i was half wise in doing so and half unable to express myself
now i can talk and i feel like i understand stuff, but really...it aint about that,
its about me sharing myself, but im still influenced by my past, where i was looking for answer, where i wanted to understand, because i did not knew, or at least i believed i did not knew, thats why i did not move forward toward that girl i was into in highschool,
i had to find something, i went on a quest...
and now i know and shes gone, 20 year of my life are gone, that a huge time, thats most of it, was it good ? was it worth it ? did i really choose to go there ?
half and half
was it the sound of the bell or the idea of a steak that made me salivate for better days
do i want to go back there, back in who i was, well that cant work i was already who i was, i could not be me, i would not care about my old life,
i care about the sun, ive always did, happy sunshine, summer is good, specially when you come from winter wonder land canadia
i use to be happy and it came back, after such a long autumn and winter
i can be free now but im still in parts of my old life, ive changed the inside and now it the outside that is gonna starts to change
but i aint far yet
but it doesnt matter
i do whatever and its working well enough for me, im getting there anyway
and thats good,
thats really good
tho it feels weird, ive got so much weird stuff in my head,
how much stuff im i gonna type in here, whats the point, why do i want to leave stuff behind, or outside,
because it aint where i am anymore ? because its good bye to what once was ?
its letting it go, letting it be shared with others, or at least putting it in a situation where it has the possibility to get inside someone else, but then it aint about this text, its just in general, its just what i wasnt doing back in the days, i was building fences, walls, masks, to avoid it all, to not share and not receive
i didnt want to be part of,
i ended up being in my room thinking for so long
fucking depression, not finding a way to come back, wanting to go away and reach the sun
i got caught up in something and now im free, and thats good but where does that leaves me, again thats not important, nothing is really important, and thats important
i can balance
i can breath
i can be happy
im not there yet but i am
im still use to think and write but,, no need for it, i can do, i can act
i want that girl but shes everywhere
it aint about someone with a name, its about her, whats behind "her", whats behind me, its the same thing, unity, but then you dont write, then you disappear
and thats what i was talking about earlier
wuji, and coming back, leaving something behind to recognize yourself, to remember
you leave trace behind all your life, and if you dont...well you always do no matter what, but...how much of it ends up being worth it,
then thats thinking that something should be on one side more than the other..
so there is lots of talk about the after life, like the egyptian and some other talks about remembering your body after you die or else youll have to do it again if you want to get to whatever there is after or immortality i guess its what its about, but then doesnt that makes you immortal in both case, why the hurry to start it now with the same identity ?
and then, what kind of religion do you believe in once you are dead, once you are immortal, what do you believe in at that point ?
i dont really care the after life, to me it connects to the before life and the im sleeping and i aint there atm life
there is nothing wrong with not being there
parts of me arent there atm, im not my whole self at all time, im parts of myself
i think its all now, the whole thing is a illusion, and that illusion is real
every moments of it all is happening all at once right now but im just a part of it, and ive being doing so for eternity and will forever, but it aint time consuming, you dont have to be there to be there, it doesnt have to happen to happen
if everything is in perfect balance then there is nothing happening, once you loose balance then you wake up, and i woke up in here, in this body, being myself, which isnt necessarily myself but it is, and i could say that i lost balance because i forgot something, and now im trying to remember something, and that something is simply to appreciate that moment, this , right now, thats whats its about,
the universe would have no reason if it weren't to appreciate itself by being itself
but then taoist dont go there, thats more of the acid influence, and those feeling are alot more saturated that what is to be found within taoism, its a lot more similar to hinduism
but it aint by knowing what its about that youll remember what its about
taoism is more about how then what, its more about the underlying principle of the universe than what the experience of a human life is about
the universe is self explanatory, you just have to let it in, you just have to learn to unlearn, i think that taoism is good for that, you have the centerpoint, you can go back to sleep, by staying awake
no bed time story mister hindu
is that a closing point ?
writing on the internet, are those my words, do i remember myself,
centerfold might be more fun than centerpoints
having the feeling that time is moving backward as much a forward, it makes it hard to type, life can be confusing
ive being stuck on stuff for so long, im not following the line most people are following, then i think im doing it wrong but im really not trying to achieve what they are, i went somewhere else with it, and i sure got what i paid for on acid,
and its still there, and that does makes me feel unstable, because i can connect with something that just isnt there for most, something weird where a part of me knows this has being going on forever and there is no end to it, and we all end up getting together having fun sharing ourselves, but until then i need to also believe that im doing it wrong because i cant connect the right way to get some of what i wish for but then i just dont wish enough for it,
so ive cut this into part because of the character limit and now im posting it
so i had to go look for whatever else there was out there and i found taoism, it made sense, it made perfect sense to me, and it ended up being my main model to translate back to normal human language this out of this words experience,
i had to bring it back, i had to dress it up with normal words and stop my speechlessness
but even then, even if now i feel like im good enough to make sense of it with words, it still aint there within the words, its there somewhere between the lines but it aint, its there for me because its inside myself, it aint gonna be there for someone else because my truth isnt his truth, my words arent his, my choice of words or expression or pattern of organization...isnt gonna be his so its gonna end up being something else, something that it aint suppose to be, unless he doesnt need my words for it because he got there too,
but thats the situation with religion, a bunch of people who have no clue for the most part because someone ended up doing just like me and opened his mouth and then people kill themself over what they think it means
so im doing it wrong...
i should just stfu
but then people dont really listen and its already out there anyway, but those who talk usually dont know, those who know they stfu
and im talking so...
i use to stfu, i use to start it in my head and it would come back to it useless to share, because "the tao that can be told is not the eternal tao"
i was half wise in doing so and half unable to express myself
now i can talk and i feel like i understand stuff, but really...it aint about that,
its about me sharing myself, but im still influenced by my past, where i was looking for answer, where i wanted to understand, because i did not knew, or at least i believed i did not knew, thats why i did not move forward toward that girl i was into in highschool,
i had to find something, i went on a quest...
and now i know and shes gone, 20 year of my life are gone, that a huge time, thats most of it, was it good ? was it worth it ? did i really choose to go there ?
half and half
was it the sound of the bell or the idea of a steak that made me salivate for better days
do i want to go back there, back in who i was, well that cant work i was already who i was, i could not be me, i would not care about my old life,
i care about the sun, ive always did, happy sunshine, summer is good, specially when you come from winter wonder land canadia
i use to be happy and it came back, after such a long autumn and winter
i can be free now but im still in parts of my old life, ive changed the inside and now it the outside that is gonna starts to change
but i aint far yet
but it doesnt matter
i do whatever and its working well enough for me, im getting there anyway
and thats good,
thats really good
tho it feels weird, ive got so much weird stuff in my head,
how much stuff im i gonna type in here, whats the point, why do i want to leave stuff behind, or outside,
because it aint where i am anymore ? because its good bye to what once was ?
its letting it go, letting it be shared with others, or at least putting it in a situation where it has the possibility to get inside someone else, but then it aint about this text, its just in general, its just what i wasnt doing back in the days, i was building fences, walls, masks, to avoid it all, to not share and not receive
i didnt want to be part of,
i ended up being in my room thinking for so long
fucking depression, not finding a way to come back, wanting to go away and reach the sun
i got caught up in something and now im free, and thats good but where does that leaves me, again thats not important, nothing is really important, and thats important
i can balance
i can breath
i can be happy
im not there yet but i am
im still use to think and write but,, no need for it, i can do, i can act
i want that girl but shes everywhere
it aint about someone with a name, its about her, whats behind "her", whats behind me, its the same thing, unity, but then you dont write, then you disappear
and thats what i was talking about earlier
wuji, and coming back, leaving something behind to recognize yourself, to remember
you leave trace behind all your life, and if you dont...well you always do no matter what, but...how much of it ends up being worth it,
then thats thinking that something should be on one side more than the other..
so there is lots of talk about the after life, like the egyptian and some other talks about remembering your body after you die or else youll have to do it again if you want to get to whatever there is after or immortality i guess its what its about, but then doesnt that makes you immortal in both case, why the hurry to start it now with the same identity ?
and then, what kind of religion do you believe in once you are dead, once you are immortal, what do you believe in at that point ?
i dont really care the after life, to me it connects to the before life and the im sleeping and i aint there atm life
there is nothing wrong with not being there
parts of me arent there atm, im not my whole self at all time, im parts of myself
i think its all now, the whole thing is a illusion, and that illusion is real
every moments of it all is happening all at once right now but im just a part of it, and ive being doing so for eternity and will forever, but it aint time consuming, you dont have to be there to be there, it doesnt have to happen to happen
if everything is in perfect balance then there is nothing happening, once you loose balance then you wake up, and i woke up in here, in this body, being myself, which isnt necessarily myself but it is, and i could say that i lost balance because i forgot something, and now im trying to remember something, and that something is simply to appreciate that moment, this , right now, thats whats its about,
the universe would have no reason if it weren't to appreciate itself by being itself
but then taoist dont go there, thats more of the acid influence, and those feeling are alot more saturated that what is to be found within taoism, its a lot more similar to hinduism
but it aint by knowing what its about that youll remember what its about
taoism is more about how then what, its more about the underlying principle of the universe than what the experience of a human life is about
the universe is self explanatory, you just have to let it in, you just have to learn to unlearn, i think that taoism is good for that, you have the centerpoint, you can go back to sleep, by staying awake
no bed time story mister hindu
is that a closing point ?
writing on the internet, are those my words, do i remember myself,
centerfold might be more fun than centerpoints
having the feeling that time is moving backward as much a forward, it makes it hard to type, life can be confusing
ive being stuck on stuff for so long, im not following the line most people are following, then i think im doing it wrong but im really not trying to achieve what they are, i went somewhere else with it, and i sure got what i paid for on acid,
and its still there, and that does makes me feel unstable, because i can connect with something that just isnt there for most, something weird where a part of me knows this has being going on forever and there is no end to it, and we all end up getting together having fun sharing ourselves, but until then i need to also believe that im doing it wrong because i cant connect the right way to get some of what i wish for but then i just dont wish enough for it,
so ive cut this into part because of the character limit and now im posting it
you return to nothingness, it aint about god, its aint about good, but its about good health but thats a side effect, its just what happens if you follow the way, its about good if you make it so, its about god if you make it so, but taoism doesnt tell you too, the universe doesnt tell you too, or i should say the underlying essence behind it
thats something that i like about taoism is that it just is, things just are, and thats meaningful in itself but it doesnt need to be, its just a side effect because you balance yourself with something that as much giving as it is taking,
abramic religion are about good and evil and they care about one side more than the other and they did ended up doing good and bad, they root for the good but they inevitably ended up doing so much bad in the name of good....
induism is about braman and maya as far as i understand it, which is basically that we are all god, everything is god except for maya, which is a illusion we get caught up in for the sake of drama, for the sake of entertainment, for the sake of forgetting that we are god so that we could experience ourself (the whole universe) as individual parts of it, as every individual parts of it through infinity, and thats pretty cool and ive being there done that, it makes sense in regard of my own psychedelic experience, but then im not sure why you should remember that you are braman if its as much about forgetting that you are it
again it seems to be about one side more than the other but im not sure about hinduism, i find it hard to find whats its about inside all that cultural bagage they put inthere and all over the place, but then, well maby thats the point for the sake of balancing what they say about remembering with a billion stuff you dont need to know for the sake of making you forget what its about
some people say you cant really take Hinduism out of india and maybe thats the case ?
but then Buddha did that, and as some say Buddhism is Hinduism ready for export...
now i find buddhism a little annoying, its always about buddha, why such a personality cult ? the meditating statues of buddha could hold a mirror so that you could see yourself in the buddha or something, and then its about enlightenment where life is suffering, well right there it doesnt start too well, and then there is something to do to free yourself from that and its to free yourself from desire, but then oops, it creates the desire for enlightenment, so you got a buch of people craving a desire for enlightenment but for the most part people dont really get too far, and if they really get into it they end up isolating themself, not having very active life, not having relationship, not having children, not being part of whats going on in the world, not participating in politics, (unless you are a political figure like the dalai lama) where they are isolating themself out of life where they dont want to take responsibility for killing meat or insect so they turn vegan, and eventually it feel like denial of life, it doesnt feel right, it doesnt feel good, those monk are pretty cool but idk how much sense it makes, isolating yourself to fap fap fap your third eye until you reach enlightenment but then you havent shared that with your wife(s) and kids, you dont make babies and create a living working community,
it ends up feeling pretty self absorb, it doesnt balance the world within with the world outside, and if you want to be free from desire shouldnt you be confronted by desire instead of avoiding desire ? and if its all a illusion shouldnt you free yourself from your desire of non desire and start playing around and have fun and drink and fuck and kill bugs and eat meat
so ive got a hard time understanding buddhism, there is lots of awesome stuff in there including lots of really insightful people and they sure arent warmonger but it just doesnt work for me the way i understand it,
in regards to taoism if it was a drug it would be a dissociative while taoism would be a psychedelic, both can get you there but buddhism is about isolating yourself to free yourself from the illusion while psychedelics (taoism) will get you there by immersing yourself in everything around, going in nature and ending up in a state of synestesia where all is one, all is light
but then buddha's philosophy came from rejecting the world he lived in while taoist came from observing the world they lived in without rejecting any personal bias because it aint about 1 guy, its about a community of people through time
the Egyptian are pretty cool, thats old as fuck, its about ra, the sun god, and then you have deities around that that seem to be based on real people but they added mystical property to them because they were close to the sun, they had great understanding of the world around them and that enlightenment was godly so they became representation of ra, different personification of ra, the sun
so its pretty much monotheism but still dressed up as animism so god is the sun and deities have animal head, and animal have sacred meanings
but it really aint monotheism because its moving around and ever changing and merging
but as much as buddhism might have being hinduism ready for import i can see abramic faith as egypt mysticism ready for export
and they sure where into the idea of a after life
and they were so meticulous about this, it seemed center stage to their identity
but then im not sure why im talking about egypt, except maybe to connect it back to christianity
jesus did rose from the dead...
and i should rise and go get myself something to eat...
long post is long and its saying
"The text that you have entered is too long (23783 characters). Please shorten it to 10000 characters long."
well now im not sure why am i writhing in a blog with speed limits
i guess ill cut in parts
so so where the fuck am i going with this, do i care to picked off where i left,
talking about influence in my life, and starting with a title suggesting taoist content
but i did include that, and i was saying why i think that taoism is the best for me
if you are into science what kind of practice do you do, well i was into psychology so psychoanalysis was wat wat, and it still is, i always go back and understand where im coming from and where im going and how ive became what ive became, again its pavlov's dog, thats how i got interested in psychology, thats how i realize to what extend we were machine in dynamics
dy·nam·ics (d-nmks)
n.
1.
a. (used with a sing. verb) The branch of mechanics that is concerned with the effects of forces on the motion of a body or system of bodies, especially of forces that do not originate within the system itself. Also called kinetics.
how most of what we are is taken from around us, that we are our environment and that if you can control your environment...or others environment...
for instant in highschool one day with a friend in class at the end of the day i started closing my books and moving my chair back n forth and closing the zipper on my pen n shit case and all that, me and him making all those little noise over and over until everyone started doing the same, it triggered their reaction way earlier that it should have being if they would have looked at the clock, there was still maybe 10 min left to the class, but i fucked with their brain by creating the sensory illusion that a lot of people were closing their books and all that...and that was pretty funny, i was experimenting, observing, trying to understand people, trying to understand my own self...
so i was trying to understand what triggered this : why
i had started to wonder why, on a existential level, and thats about the time ive also left christianity behind and eventually called myself a atheism
i was wondering why and why i was wondering why
it went in two direction
and then came acid...
thats something that i like about taoism is that it just is, things just are, and thats meaningful in itself but it doesnt need to be, its just a side effect because you balance yourself with something that as much giving as it is taking,
abramic religion are about good and evil and they care about one side more than the other and they did ended up doing good and bad, they root for the good but they inevitably ended up doing so much bad in the name of good....
induism is about braman and maya as far as i understand it, which is basically that we are all god, everything is god except for maya, which is a illusion we get caught up in for the sake of drama, for the sake of entertainment, for the sake of forgetting that we are god so that we could experience ourself (the whole universe) as individual parts of it, as every individual parts of it through infinity, and thats pretty cool and ive being there done that, it makes sense in regard of my own psychedelic experience, but then im not sure why you should remember that you are braman if its as much about forgetting that you are it
again it seems to be about one side more than the other but im not sure about hinduism, i find it hard to find whats its about inside all that cultural bagage they put inthere and all over the place, but then, well maby thats the point for the sake of balancing what they say about remembering with a billion stuff you dont need to know for the sake of making you forget what its about
some people say you cant really take Hinduism out of india and maybe thats the case ?
but then Buddha did that, and as some say Buddhism is Hinduism ready for export...
now i find buddhism a little annoying, its always about buddha, why such a personality cult ? the meditating statues of buddha could hold a mirror so that you could see yourself in the buddha or something, and then its about enlightenment where life is suffering, well right there it doesnt start too well, and then there is something to do to free yourself from that and its to free yourself from desire, but then oops, it creates the desire for enlightenment, so you got a buch of people craving a desire for enlightenment but for the most part people dont really get too far, and if they really get into it they end up isolating themself, not having very active life, not having relationship, not having children, not being part of whats going on in the world, not participating in politics, (unless you are a political figure like the dalai lama) where they are isolating themself out of life where they dont want to take responsibility for killing meat or insect so they turn vegan, and eventually it feel like denial of life, it doesnt feel right, it doesnt feel good, those monk are pretty cool but idk how much sense it makes, isolating yourself to fap fap fap your third eye until you reach enlightenment but then you havent shared that with your wife(s) and kids, you dont make babies and create a living working community,
it ends up feeling pretty self absorb, it doesnt balance the world within with the world outside, and if you want to be free from desire shouldnt you be confronted by desire instead of avoiding desire ? and if its all a illusion shouldnt you free yourself from your desire of non desire and start playing around and have fun and drink and fuck and kill bugs and eat meat
so ive got a hard time understanding buddhism, there is lots of awesome stuff in there including lots of really insightful people and they sure arent warmonger but it just doesnt work for me the way i understand it,
in regards to taoism if it was a drug it would be a dissociative while taoism would be a psychedelic, both can get you there but buddhism is about isolating yourself to free yourself from the illusion while psychedelics (taoism) will get you there by immersing yourself in everything around, going in nature and ending up in a state of synestesia where all is one, all is light
but then buddha's philosophy came from rejecting the world he lived in while taoist came from observing the world they lived in without rejecting any personal bias because it aint about 1 guy, its about a community of people through time
the Egyptian are pretty cool, thats old as fuck, its about ra, the sun god, and then you have deities around that that seem to be based on real people but they added mystical property to them because they were close to the sun, they had great understanding of the world around them and that enlightenment was godly so they became representation of ra, different personification of ra, the sun
so its pretty much monotheism but still dressed up as animism so god is the sun and deities have animal head, and animal have sacred meanings
but it really aint monotheism because its moving around and ever changing and merging
but as much as buddhism might have being hinduism ready for import i can see abramic faith as egypt mysticism ready for export
and they sure where into the idea of a after life
and they were so meticulous about this, it seemed center stage to their identity
but then im not sure why im talking about egypt, except maybe to connect it back to christianity
jesus did rose from the dead...
and i should rise and go get myself something to eat...
long post is long and its saying
"The text that you have entered is too long (23783 characters). Please shorten it to 10000 characters long."
well now im not sure why am i writhing in a blog with speed limits
i guess ill cut in parts
so so where the fuck am i going with this, do i care to picked off where i left,
talking about influence in my life, and starting with a title suggesting taoist content
but i did include that, and i was saying why i think that taoism is the best for me
if you are into science what kind of practice do you do, well i was into psychology so psychoanalysis was wat wat, and it still is, i always go back and understand where im coming from and where im going and how ive became what ive became, again its pavlov's dog, thats how i got interested in psychology, thats how i realize to what extend we were machine in dynamics
dy·nam·ics (d-nmks)
n.
1.
a. (used with a sing. verb) The branch of mechanics that is concerned with the effects of forces on the motion of a body or system of bodies, especially of forces that do not originate within the system itself. Also called kinetics.
how most of what we are is taken from around us, that we are our environment and that if you can control your environment...or others environment...
for instant in highschool one day with a friend in class at the end of the day i started closing my books and moving my chair back n forth and closing the zipper on my pen n shit case and all that, me and him making all those little noise over and over until everyone started doing the same, it triggered their reaction way earlier that it should have being if they would have looked at the clock, there was still maybe 10 min left to the class, but i fucked with their brain by creating the sensory illusion that a lot of people were closing their books and all that...and that was pretty funny, i was experimenting, observing, trying to understand people, trying to understand my own self...
so i was trying to understand what triggered this : why
i had started to wonder why, on a existential level, and thats about the time ive also left christianity behind and eventually called myself a atheism
i was wondering why and why i was wondering why
it went in two direction
and then came acid...
even if you are a atheist its hard to go against that...
and the way things are is that there is wuji, which is nothing, and that gives birth to something, which is called taiji, and then taiji returns to wuji, but then it aint as linear as that, because one gives birth as much as the other, and one returns as much as the other but not really, something and nothing are opposite and they are complimentary, and the same thing happen with taiji, taiji is found in the taji tu symbol, the yin yang symbol, where there is opposites that are complimentary,
and if i put that in mathematics symbolism its : 0 = wuji, 1 = taiji, + = yang, - = yin
and thats the way things are, thats the underlying principle "behind" the universe (but its as much behind than in front of)
and from there it creates everything
thats lets say my interpretation or understanding of their cosmology
and from that comes their philosophy, which is about balance and alignment, you need alignment to balance something, you need a center point to balance something from, but you find that center by balancing stuff, again its that interrelationship where one creates the other as much as the other creates one
so the point in taoism is to achieve good health and longevity by balancing yourself
so you are suppose to follow the tao but thats your alignment, its a straight line from you to the tao, from you to the way things are, and the way things are is that they change all the time but that never change, so there is something that always change and something that never change
you align on what never change and you balance on what always change
and that dynamism is what brings good health, because you aint loosing energy around fighting the way things are, you learn to go with them, its the equivalent in martial arts to using your opponents force against him
or on a boat it would be about using the wind, the wind is the way but you dont have to go south if the wind goes south, you can go left and right and if you get good you can even go north but you cant never really go north in a straight line, its always a curve, you cant directly go against the wind
so you dont make up your alignment, thats where the yielding takes place, where you need to observe the way things are, and from there you balance yourself
from there you can shift your weight one way or the other depending on whats going on and use the wind or your opponents strength to your favor
but i our daily modern lives its usually about stress, understanding where it comes from, where its going, and not fight against it but go with it, there is a reason why its there, its energy, its a wind that is suppose to push you forward, but you cant grab someones butt or punch someones face just cause your animal body feels like it, you need to divert that energy into something else, but you cant fight against it its gonna win over your good health, you need to accept it, let it come and redirect it somewhere else, so instead of thinking about not doing something you need to think about doing something else, like if you are trying to stop smoking you need to stop thinking about not smoking, that just creates more stress which makes your craving even worse and then you cant sleep...
you think about putting something else in your mouth, you think about doing something else like exercising,
if you do push ups every time your body tells you to smoke then it might not so easily get incline to ask when you really dont feel like doing push ups, you might not care to hear that part of your brain asking for nicotine, its like Pavlov's dog in behavioral psychology, you reprogram your brain so that everytime you hear a bell you think steak, but in this case you think fuck it, the good of the craving isnt worth the bad of the exercise, unless that is your body starts to ask for endorphin instead and you care to work out so weee, you turn something bad into something good
anyway...
the point of taoism is health, and you get there by following the way and you can more easily find the way in nature, its everywhere, its all around, but you really dont have to be in nature, its just that nature puts you back in place inside your animal body where you need to follow whats around, we still can connect with nature, we still go camping, the less you have the more you are reliant to nature, the more it becomes important to connect with everything around, day and night, pants and animal, the seasons.....because those are survival matter
but then we started using fire and tools and electricity and then we really dont have to connect to survive
even tho we now all connect on the internet around the fire of social networks to share our stories we still have to balance ourself not to loose ourself, the more you have the easier to loose one self
its good to bring it all back to basic, all back to wuji, to 0, to emptiness and let itself being brought back to life from within yourself and up to the sun, balance yourself from nothing to everything, from left to right, from good and bad, from yesterday to tomorrow
the flow is always there, the way, the path...that is the primordial essence of being
and the more you can center around it, the more healthy you become
the less energy you loose fighting against, the more energy you have for your immune system, the better you can digest, the better you can sleep
so the better you can rejuvenate yourself, the universe rejuvenate itself at all time, it is constantly doing so, that is the essence of the wuji-taiji relationship, it holds itself
and yeah i feel like writing about it be cause for me this is good stuff
this is good relationship model, but it took me ten some years to really get it, and i know it aint in there in what i say, its between the lines, and you need to do the work yourself to get there, you aint gonna know much about sex by reading about it, you aint gonna get good on a instrument by reading a book about it, and even then, even if you do it you still have to do it again, and again, and again...
it aint more about knowing then it is about understanding then it is about experiencing, its about all of them in balance, as they say when it come to recording music : "your signal is as good as your weakest link"
i use to be way too much in my head because my upbringing was suggesting that that was the evolved and superior things to due and that sure fucked me up
i ended up isolating myself in my head building walls around my heart and disconnecting from my body until i was ready to kill myself because i had fucking lost balance, i ended up thinking instead of acting because i wanted to figure out something with my head because i believe that the only way to figure something out was by thinking about it, and thats bullshit, meaning doesnt comes from your head more than your feet, its all energy pattern that makes you connect, it makes you connect with something, something we call meaning, and it doesnt matter what part of your body connects with it, its that relationship that we value, that connect in itself, it doesnt matter if you dont know wtf in your head, you just want to feel good, you just want to connect
"there is a light that never goes out"
and now ill talk about god,
what if we would define god as a feeling,
a quality of feeling that happens when we align ourself so good that we receive energy beyond words, we feel immerse with eternal love because we feel so good that we want to share the love around
god is a feeling from the stars, god is the light, the one and true light that goes beyond words, beyond explanation, a light so pure we see god, we see omnibenevolence, omnipotence, omniscience
what if god is simply a quality of feeling that we get all is align so thigh that we feel infinity energy embracing us, making us feel immortal in his arm, what if that energy is simply the universe, the motion of the stars, the motion of the earth, the motion of your body, the motion of your emotion at a moment where everything aligns perfectly well with the whole universe
i think thats how i see god atm, as a quality of feeling, the feeling is personal but the reason behind it is impersonal, and you might get there unconsciously by luck
its just a part of how the way things are
i think that taoism goes beyond that, or at least doesnt center on that, it center on itself, and you can do the same by centering on yourself by letting the dao be within you, by centering yourself around the dao you end up centering yourself around yourself, and "As Above, So Below" the macrocosm of the universe is balanced with the microcosm of yourself, thru duality you let go off duality, you make one with the universe, and you return to wuji
and the way things are is that there is wuji, which is nothing, and that gives birth to something, which is called taiji, and then taiji returns to wuji, but then it aint as linear as that, because one gives birth as much as the other, and one returns as much as the other but not really, something and nothing are opposite and they are complimentary, and the same thing happen with taiji, taiji is found in the taji tu symbol, the yin yang symbol, where there is opposites that are complimentary,
and if i put that in mathematics symbolism its : 0 = wuji, 1 = taiji, + = yang, - = yin
and thats the way things are, thats the underlying principle "behind" the universe (but its as much behind than in front of)
and from there it creates everything
thats lets say my interpretation or understanding of their cosmology
and from that comes their philosophy, which is about balance and alignment, you need alignment to balance something, you need a center point to balance something from, but you find that center by balancing stuff, again its that interrelationship where one creates the other as much as the other creates one
so the point in taoism is to achieve good health and longevity by balancing yourself
so you are suppose to follow the tao but thats your alignment, its a straight line from you to the tao, from you to the way things are, and the way things are is that they change all the time but that never change, so there is something that always change and something that never change
you align on what never change and you balance on what always change
and that dynamism is what brings good health, because you aint loosing energy around fighting the way things are, you learn to go with them, its the equivalent in martial arts to using your opponents force against him
or on a boat it would be about using the wind, the wind is the way but you dont have to go south if the wind goes south, you can go left and right and if you get good you can even go north but you cant never really go north in a straight line, its always a curve, you cant directly go against the wind
so you dont make up your alignment, thats where the yielding takes place, where you need to observe the way things are, and from there you balance yourself
from there you can shift your weight one way or the other depending on whats going on and use the wind or your opponents strength to your favor
but i our daily modern lives its usually about stress, understanding where it comes from, where its going, and not fight against it but go with it, there is a reason why its there, its energy, its a wind that is suppose to push you forward, but you cant grab someones butt or punch someones face just cause your animal body feels like it, you need to divert that energy into something else, but you cant fight against it its gonna win over your good health, you need to accept it, let it come and redirect it somewhere else, so instead of thinking about not doing something you need to think about doing something else, like if you are trying to stop smoking you need to stop thinking about not smoking, that just creates more stress which makes your craving even worse and then you cant sleep...
you think about putting something else in your mouth, you think about doing something else like exercising,
if you do push ups every time your body tells you to smoke then it might not so easily get incline to ask when you really dont feel like doing push ups, you might not care to hear that part of your brain asking for nicotine, its like Pavlov's dog in behavioral psychology, you reprogram your brain so that everytime you hear a bell you think steak, but in this case you think fuck it, the good of the craving isnt worth the bad of the exercise, unless that is your body starts to ask for endorphin instead and you care to work out so weee, you turn something bad into something good
anyway...
the point of taoism is health, and you get there by following the way and you can more easily find the way in nature, its everywhere, its all around, but you really dont have to be in nature, its just that nature puts you back in place inside your animal body where you need to follow whats around, we still can connect with nature, we still go camping, the less you have the more you are reliant to nature, the more it becomes important to connect with everything around, day and night, pants and animal, the seasons.....because those are survival matter
but then we started using fire and tools and electricity and then we really dont have to connect to survive
even tho we now all connect on the internet around the fire of social networks to share our stories we still have to balance ourself not to loose ourself, the more you have the easier to loose one self
its good to bring it all back to basic, all back to wuji, to 0, to emptiness and let itself being brought back to life from within yourself and up to the sun, balance yourself from nothing to everything, from left to right, from good and bad, from yesterday to tomorrow
the flow is always there, the way, the path...that is the primordial essence of being
and the more you can center around it, the more healthy you become
the less energy you loose fighting against, the more energy you have for your immune system, the better you can digest, the better you can sleep
so the better you can rejuvenate yourself, the universe rejuvenate itself at all time, it is constantly doing so, that is the essence of the wuji-taiji relationship, it holds itself
and yeah i feel like writing about it be cause for me this is good stuff
this is good relationship model, but it took me ten some years to really get it, and i know it aint in there in what i say, its between the lines, and you need to do the work yourself to get there, you aint gonna know much about sex by reading about it, you aint gonna get good on a instrument by reading a book about it, and even then, even if you do it you still have to do it again, and again, and again...
it aint more about knowing then it is about understanding then it is about experiencing, its about all of them in balance, as they say when it come to recording music : "your signal is as good as your weakest link"
i use to be way too much in my head because my upbringing was suggesting that that was the evolved and superior things to due and that sure fucked me up
i ended up isolating myself in my head building walls around my heart and disconnecting from my body until i was ready to kill myself because i had fucking lost balance, i ended up thinking instead of acting because i wanted to figure out something with my head because i believe that the only way to figure something out was by thinking about it, and thats bullshit, meaning doesnt comes from your head more than your feet, its all energy pattern that makes you connect, it makes you connect with something, something we call meaning, and it doesnt matter what part of your body connects with it, its that relationship that we value, that connect in itself, it doesnt matter if you dont know wtf in your head, you just want to feel good, you just want to connect
"there is a light that never goes out"
and now ill talk about god,
what if we would define god as a feeling,
a quality of feeling that happens when we align ourself so good that we receive energy beyond words, we feel immerse with eternal love because we feel so good that we want to share the love around
god is a feeling from the stars, god is the light, the one and true light that goes beyond words, beyond explanation, a light so pure we see god, we see omnibenevolence, omnipotence, omniscience
what if god is simply a quality of feeling that we get all is align so thigh that we feel infinity energy embracing us, making us feel immortal in his arm, what if that energy is simply the universe, the motion of the stars, the motion of the earth, the motion of your body, the motion of your emotion at a moment where everything aligns perfectly well with the whole universe
i think thats how i see god atm, as a quality of feeling, the feeling is personal but the reason behind it is impersonal, and you might get there unconsciously by luck
its just a part of how the way things are
i think that taoism goes beyond that, or at least doesnt center on that, it center on itself, and you can do the same by centering on yourself by letting the dao be within you, by centering yourself around the dao you end up centering yourself around yourself, and "As Above, So Below" the macrocosm of the universe is balanced with the microcosm of yourself, thru duality you let go off duality, you make one with the universe, and you return to wuji