I miss my mom. Today makes 5 years. I asked my mom's self-proclaimed "best friend" to take me to the cemetery to go visit her today and she never even responded back to me, whether it was a yes or a no. At least give me the courtesy of an answer. A "no" would be better than fucking nothing. I asked her on the 23rd of October so it's not like I sprang it up on her or anything. Plus she offered to take me whenever I wanted. I live in the Bronx, practically in Yonkers, and the cemetery is in Staten Island. If I left at 9am, I might make it before the cemetery closes. It's a Jewish cemetery so of course the hours and stuff are weird. I'd literally have to take 2 trains, a ferry and 2 buses. I know that nobody has any damn obligation to me for anything but I feel like if the shoe was on the other foot, I'd help people out as much as I could. And if I couldn't do it, I certainly wouldn't offer to do it with no intention of ever doing it.
Over the years, I've learned to never believe anyone when they say they're going to do something as a favor for me. Why the fuck do people say this shit to me? "Oh, call me any time." "If you need something, just ask!" It's not like I'm asking you to move Mt. Everest -- I'm asking for a fucking ride. I don't drive. So don't offer shit you're never gonna do. It just makes you look like the fucking drunk bitch you are.
One year, she called me while drunk and basically told me I killed my mother and whispered "Red-rum, red-rum" ... I kept the voice mail and I was going to send it to her husband, who is much nicer, to see the kind of woman he married. But the poor guy has enough bullshit to go through with his triple-bypass surgery and it would be just as petty as her. I don't want to stoop to her level. I'm fucking half her age, the god awful bitch. She obviously has no care for anyone else but herself. Somehow she feels as though her loss was greater than mine. Right. A person who you barely see, maybe every 2 years, versus a Mother. Which loss is greater? Obviously hers, because it's Karen's world and I only live in it. Fucking bitch.
Fuck it. I don't need anyone's help. People always tell me how generous I am and how they want to repay me for all I've done for them and shit but it's all bullshit. I don't want to become a cold-hearted bitch but apparently it's the only way to not get fucked over. Fuck it all. I'll never ask anyone for a favor ever again. Or take people up on their offers of favors. Because it's just bullshit, each and every time. Talk is fucking cheap. Just don't fucking offer something you're never gonna go through with. That's it. The end. Is it really that hard??? I suppose it is because it keeps happening. I'm finding out who is truly my friend and who is only around when I have money or drugs or whatever else that can be sucked dry from me.
Maybe I'm just being a big fucking baby about it all. Maybe that's just what people do in polite society. Offer to do something nice for no good god damn reason other than to make themselves feel like altruistic people. But they aren't anything of the sort. Just assholes full of wind and nothing more.
Maybe my grief is just coming through as anger. Who knows, really. I should get in the fucking shower. I have to go pick up the only things that don't let me down.
Over the years, I've learned to never believe anyone when they say they're going to do something as a favor for me. Why the fuck do people say this shit to me? "Oh, call me any time." "If you need something, just ask!" It's not like I'm asking you to move Mt. Everest -- I'm asking for a fucking ride. I don't drive. So don't offer shit you're never gonna do. It just makes you look like the fucking drunk bitch you are.
One year, she called me while drunk and basically told me I killed my mother and whispered "Red-rum, red-rum" ... I kept the voice mail and I was going to send it to her husband, who is much nicer, to see the kind of woman he married. But the poor guy has enough bullshit to go through with his triple-bypass surgery and it would be just as petty as her. I don't want to stoop to her level. I'm fucking half her age, the god awful bitch. She obviously has no care for anyone else but herself. Somehow she feels as though her loss was greater than mine. Right. A person who you barely see, maybe every 2 years, versus a Mother. Which loss is greater? Obviously hers, because it's Karen's world and I only live in it. Fucking bitch.
Fuck it. I don't need anyone's help. People always tell me how generous I am and how they want to repay me for all I've done for them and shit but it's all bullshit. I don't want to become a cold-hearted bitch but apparently it's the only way to not get fucked over. Fuck it all. I'll never ask anyone for a favor ever again. Or take people up on their offers of favors. Because it's just bullshit, each and every time. Talk is fucking cheap. Just don't fucking offer something you're never gonna go through with. That's it. The end. Is it really that hard??? I suppose it is because it keeps happening. I'm finding out who is truly my friend and who is only around when I have money or drugs or whatever else that can be sucked dry from me.
Maybe I'm just being a big fucking baby about it all. Maybe that's just what people do in polite society. Offer to do something nice for no good god damn reason other than to make themselves feel like altruistic people. But they aren't anything of the sort. Just assholes full of wind and nothing more.
Maybe my grief is just coming through as anger. Who knows, really. I should get in the fucking shower. I have to go pick up the only things that don't let me down.