On May 30th of this year, my son Caleb died of an overdose. I was the last person to talk to Caleb and it was I that found his body some 12 hours later. Looking back now, I realize that is a complete circle for us, mother and son, as I was also the very first person to speak to Caleb, and to experience his body as it developed within mine.
I started to record my memory of naming Caleb over in the TDS bereavement thread and someone kindly suggested that it was perhaps a blog. It makes sense as what I want to do is to record these feelings and memories in small bits; the enormity of my feelings, of a whole lifetime of love, struggle, profound connection and equally profound disconnection feels too overwhelming to even think about in one whole piece, let alone try to express.
So here is my memory #1, copied and pasted from the bereavement thread. From now on I will just post them here.
Memory:
When I was pregnant with Caleb, I was in my late thirties so I wanted to have testing to make sure everything was okay. He was our second and therefore last child (both my husband and I are big believers in zero population growth). Since we already had a son we were hoping for a daughter. As we were driving up to the city to get the test, I told my husband that I had seen a name in a children's book that I really liked if it was another boy: Caleb. As soon as I said the name, I knew right then and there that was who I was carrying. When I told my husband he said that I couldn't know, but I did. I can still remember everything about that moment. I remember the autumn light and exactly where we were on the coast highway and the way it felt like the world shifted when I said the name, to make room, to open up a space for him. From then on I talked to Caleb by name. I told him that it was true that I wanted a daughter but that I would get over it and not to worry that he was, or could ever be a disappointment to me. I made him that promise before I ever saw him and I did keep that promise. That makes me feel very good.
I started to record my memory of naming Caleb over in the TDS bereavement thread and someone kindly suggested that it was perhaps a blog. It makes sense as what I want to do is to record these feelings and memories in small bits; the enormity of my feelings, of a whole lifetime of love, struggle, profound connection and equally profound disconnection feels too overwhelming to even think about in one whole piece, let alone try to express.
So here is my memory #1, copied and pasted from the bereavement thread. From now on I will just post them here.
Memory:
When I was pregnant with Caleb, I was in my late thirties so I wanted to have testing to make sure everything was okay. He was our second and therefore last child (both my husband and I are big believers in zero population growth). Since we already had a son we were hoping for a daughter. As we were driving up to the city to get the test, I told my husband that I had seen a name in a children's book that I really liked if it was another boy: Caleb. As soon as I said the name, I knew right then and there that was who I was carrying. When I told my husband he said that I couldn't know, but I did. I can still remember everything about that moment. I remember the autumn light and exactly where we were on the coast highway and the way it felt like the world shifted when I said the name, to make room, to open up a space for him. From then on I talked to Caleb by name. I told him that it was true that I wanted a daughter but that I would get over it and not to worry that he was, or could ever be a disappointment to me. I made him that promise before I ever saw him and I did keep that promise. That makes me feel very good.