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In going through my PC I found some photos...The two of Rizza I, where I am in a blue short were taken in front of our main mill, as soon as we flew down from Manila, about 6 days after I retired from the IDF, in July of 2007.

The marriage photo is from our civil wedding. I first married her in 1999, when she was 15, in a Jewish religious service. In the Philippines, Christians (and in this case Jews) may only marry at age 18 and above and until age 25 need both parents' permission. Rizza had just turned 18 and we married in the Philippines so that she would be legally married there as well as in Israel. The Mayor of our town San Francisco (San Franz), who at the time was Mayor Lademora Jr (it rotates between him, his sister, and one of Rizza's uncles) performed the ceremony.

The Lademoras aren't Cebuanos like most Bisaya, they are Ilonggos and only came to San Franz in 1988. Carlos Sr, a retired Lieutenant Colonel in the Constabulary- the now defunct counterinsurgency force- moved to our valley to escape a War Crimes trial for exterminating an entire village (Lieutenant Colonel Carlos "Charlie" Lademora Sr). Listening to his son start whining about Jesus was surreal. There is supposed to be a separation of Church and State here but in reality the separation is non-existent.

The last photo is me during my Winter of 2011 trip to New York City. The difference after the stress of Interferon Treatment and subsequently losing Rizza took a toll on me I suppose. I seem to gave aged 20 years.

It isn't often that I myself operate. I hold American citizenship in addition to my Israeli. America has laws about its citizens involving themselves in other nation's armed conflicts. Laws mean absolutely nothing here but if, for example, I was captured by the NPA, the Maoists, shit would hit the fan pretty quickly. Likewise, the Philippine Government has a bothersome Constitutional provison that bars foreigners like myself from carrying weapons. If some dickhead would happen to take a photo of me, even with a cellphone, it is again, a fan and some shit.

Therefore let me lay out the following in the theoretical sense...

Usually I don't openly carry my rifle outside of our properties, I let the Flips around me do that. Sometimes though they need to be stage managed and on those rare occasions I sometimes- theoreticaly- find myself walking the line. On one such occasion roughly two weeks ago a contact took place where an NPA "platun" (platoon) was ambushed. As much time as they spend in the bush they should know how to move but alas, they are like a Chinese Firedrill, rifles slung on their backs, talking amongst themselves, and generally not paying too much attention.

We set a simple A-B ambush with two fire positions, front and rear one each, but on opposite sides of the trail so as to pin them. To make a long story short three guerillas were killed and several were wounded but escaped with their mates. After sending most of the men after them five of us started combing the ground for weapons, paperwork, what have you.

One of the deas guerillas was a young girl, early 20s, and suprisingly she carried a legitimate I'd, something NPA almost never do. Getting the bodies out for us always takes many hours, sometimes two or three days because unlike the military we can't use copters, though they rarely use them for such chores owing to the expence (the Flip Military, the AFP, is cheap as hell). If lucky we get a couple of ponies or water buffalo (caraboa) but usually we build a litter out of bamboo and drag and carry the remains.

Later, at home a week later just for a couple of hours, I used a search engine to check the girl's I'd. There is nothing like in the West where police, etc.can check an I'd in mere seconds. She was 21, a student at UP Dilman on Luzon, a great school. She dreamed of being a singer, but what really moved me was her poetry. She wrote a lot of it in English and it all focused on social issues. I found myself really thinking.

Rule 1 of infantry recruits is never personalise the opposition. Most humans instinctually have an aversion to hurting people they know. It has never been a problem for me because in Israel U am well grounded politically and believe in the ideology driving the IDF, the Israeli Defense Forces. The Philippines though? What the fuck am I doing here? Yes, I have extencive business interests here, yes I am tied to Rizza's family, but what real stake do I have in a 43 year old insurgency in the Philippines?

It began to really effect me as I read that beautiful girl's poetry and thought to myself that under slightly different circumstances I could be her (well, that and a sex change). "The man that isn't a Socialist by age 20 has no heart but the man that is still a Socialist by age 40 has no brain." I do find that old maxim to be true but who am I to kill over someone's foolishness?

The thoughts kept me pre-occupied for the better part of two weeks and even now I'm still trying to sort through it.

Meanwhile, those who used to read my BL Journal may remember that in 2007 I raised a 4 hectare poppy crop. The plots, all in close proximity, were within a Hilltribe's settlement. Last week they voluntarily uprooted nearly 50 hectares of cannabis, more than 80 acres for you Americans. An 80 acre pot farm is a lot of weed. They did so cause the man behind that single field was only paying them between 200 and 400 Pesos per 50 kilo rice sack full of buds, depending upon the size of the buds. 200 Pesos is 5 US Dollars. They were offered a new road to make travel to and from their village easier, by the Governor of Bukidnon Province if they uprooted the field. Serves the cheap bastard right! Only paying 5 Dollara for 110 pounds of sinsemilla is outrageous. They should have been paid 50 Dollars at least with a single kilo of bud here selling retail for 12 Dollars, he was robbing them. For my poppies I paid a pretty pemny and didn't even harvest opium! I had to do a straw extraction because the Monsoon came early and I risked losing the entire crop.

Only one kidnapping in the last week so things are becoming much more calm here.

I've had a shockingly shit day today. Work has been an absolute nightmare. I've spent the day being shouted at by assholes who don't know what real problems are. I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate my job and I'm stuck in such a rut with it.

I would love to work in a job where I could use my typing skills. Or help people. I'm stuck in a thankless job where assholes shout at me every day over something that isn't my fault.

I'm starting to think I'm going to have to develop my personal time so that I feel more fulfilled... because at the moment life is frustrating me and it's really fucking boring.

It would be better if I actually had a social circle. But, me being me, I don't have that. I do have a fantastic small selection of uber trustworthy people but that's only after getting burnt by a few particularly vile people over the last few years. I get antsy when I'm stuck in the house. Even more so when I'm working 12 to 8 as I come home and I'm too wired to sleep so I pace... then it's back into work... then home...

I must be getting stressed because I can't even bring myself to eat properly at the moment. I did well on Sunday although I didn't manage a whole plateful of anything. Mind you that's probably good because I did have a heavy phase of eating my feelings. I had to learn to tell myself to "put the fork down"...

I've never been a skinny girl... and I've definitely been bigger... but I just don't feel RIGHT at the moment.

In ways I'm grateful that life is ticking along quite smoothly... the only speedbumps I have are of my own making... but fucking hell I could do with some fun.

It's only Tuesday and I can already see myself in the flat this weekend with a bottle of wine painting. Although I do have a big canvas to start working on. That'll be cool.

I kind of miss being able to chat to my friends on Facebook but I couldn't handle it anymore. I found out too much bad shit on that website, I deactivated my profile and I don't know if I'll ever go back on it again. It's shit. Too much exposure to other people's drama.

I'm working three hours overtime the next two days. I want to get a tattoo done next month. I've got "True to you" on one arm and I want to get "Forevermore" on the other. They're Morrissey tribute tattoos. I got the "True to you" tattoo after seeing him play in a local town. That night was fucking incredible. I was so close to him. Right down the front. I stretched my hand out but couldn't get close enough for him to touch it. I did get one of Boz Boorer's plectrums though. It was awesome. I was dancing and I felt a ping on my boob. I looked down on the floor and there was a pink thing on the ground. I picked it up and it was a plectrum with Boz's name on it. It's my lucky charm.

I suppose I better get ready for bed. Nothing much to stay up for. The flat is nice and cozy, and I'm burning incense. I've got some instant porridge, I guess that will do for my dinner. Real food is too much hassle at the moment. Maybe I'll lose some weight. That would be nice.

I've got a Nevil Shute book to read. That'll entertain me for now.

*cue up "Don't You Remember" by Adele*

Well here it is then. The entry that I knew was coming. I've no idea if this is a safe place to write about this... but here goes. My head is in bits, still. I need to try and get this heaviness off my chest.

There was a girl once. She was an immature, silly girl. But she loved a man with all her heart. He came into her life like a bleach blonde whirlwind and turned her life upside down.

Things went wrong and she fucked it up. Not in the way he thinks. He thinks she cheated on him with someone that she had never met. It was a vicious, violent end. Love that ended like the most savage of murders.

At least three years have passed and she still can't get him off of her mind. She's seen him a few times. It's always been ok but she's had to resist the urge to pull him to her and search for the lips that never forgot. But she couldn't do that. Certainly not now. He's met someone else and there's no way he'd want this girl.

The girl still has dreams about him every month or so and they're always arduous dreams. She wakes up having dreamt that he tells her how amazing his new girlfriend is, or she dreams she's sitting in bed with him just talking. Sometimes she dreams they're in the same house as each other but they can't find each other.

Sometimes his works van drives past her. Or she'll be standing waiting to cross the road and he'll pass in the car. She lives in fear when she goes to the supermarket or down the street. Just in case she sees him with his new love. Yet at the same time she wants to see him through morbid curiosity.

This man has become such a part of her that she feels she's almost become him in ways. They shared a lot of traits when they were together... sometimes they could read each other's thoughts... and sometimes she sits at night and looks at her home and knows how wonderfully complete it would be if he was there.

She's tried to move on. God only knows she's tried. She's went through a long period of partying to try and forget him. She's met a couple of nice guys but nothing has ever happened. It's like guys can tell there's still someone else in her heart. And in some ways to replace him would be to let go. Part of her wants to let go because she knows deep down he's not coming back but other parts of her still weep on cold nights when the smell of autumn is in the air.

When does the grieving stop? When does this broken girl learn to love again? What has to happen before she can say goodbye?

The pain she carries is a private pain. It sits on her chest and prevents fresh air from being inhaled. The same stale heartbreak swirls around in her soul.

She got scared a couple of weeks ago. Someone posted a poem on a website she still goes on... one they used to declare love on through the most beautiful poetry. She thought it was him. She understands now that it was wishful thinking... and that perhaps the march of time has left her deluded. Wishing for something that no longer exists in this time. What makes it bittersweet is the fact that the poem, although nothing to do with romance, left her identifying with the loneliness felt by the subject of the poem.

She is her own jailer, her own prisoner. She yearns to break free of the shackles of this obsessive feeling. But she can't seem to let it go no matter how she tries. Her heart is held together with sticking plaster and string.

Once upon a time she would cling to him in the night. Or he would hold onto the back of her tshirt like a child holding a balloon... so that she didn't drift away and get lost forever... now the only things anchoring her to the ground are thoughts of what once was. Of what she lost. Of the unobtainable forever love.

She gets drunk on cheap wine and tries to paint the feelings out of her heart and onto canvas. Sometimes she writes poetry about him. She doesn't live life. She goes out with her camera and takes pictures of everyone else living life and tries to make it look beautiful for them. When she's alone her pictures are always black and white. Drizzly, rainy pictures that people don't see. She feels like they might be quite beautiful but this is her pain. Her dirty secret. The outside world can never know. They think she's mad. Tell her to move on.

But how can she move on from something that she never quite had?

She misses the billy nights, the cuddles in the kitchen, the spontaneity, the sex, the way he fiddled with his hands when he was nervous or over-stimulated. She misses the poetry that he wrote, the music that he gifted her, the soft tones of his voice, the way that he would call her by her full name. She misses the way that he loved how she smelled, the sharing of a sense of humour, the way he loves his daughter so much it makes him cry, the way he giggled. She misses the noises he made when he was sleeping, the way he liked her to rub his hands to make him sleepy, the ridiculously precise amount of sugar he took in his tea.

But nobody can ever know any of this. They would think that she was crazy. They would think that she needed to move on. They would think she was mad in her head.

So this continues to be her secret. If you were to see this girl walking down the street you'd see a slightly alternative looking girl with charity shop clothes wearing boots that are just a bit too big for her. She'd be staring up at the sky or down at her feet. You'll never see her looking forward because looking forward means to forget.

And she's not sure that she can, just yet.

I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. Nobody needs to read this but I had to get it out of my head.

I had to change the university just before getting a degree in chemistry and I've gotten this degree eventually having defended my thesis in a Ukrainian university. Now I'm in a process of nostrification, i.e. my Ukrainian degree is to be turned into the Polish equivalent. However, there are differences between Polish degrees and Ukrainian degrees: Ukrainian "mahistr" = Polish "magister" (= M.Sc.), Ukrainian "kandydat nauk" = Polish "doktor" (mine, Ph.D.), Ukrainian "doktor" = Polish "doktor habilitowany" (there's no equivalent in English or American degree system; this needs habilitation, writing and defending a thesis).

Polish "doktor" and Ukrainian "kandydat nauk" is Ph.D. in the UK and in the US. "Kandydat" means "candidate" (quite confusing, "kandydat nauk" means "a candidate of sciences", that could easily mean "student"!). Whatever... Here's the thing: they don't want it to be a paperwork only. I have to give 40 hours of lecture at lab (8 left = 2 meetings because each time it's 4 hours) and 20 hours of seminars. There's always a person (beside assistants at labs or just she/he and me during seminars) taking notes. By the time I finish it all, the ministry will have taken a decision concerning nostrification. Now I'm asking myself - if they don't even wait for notes to be delivered and if they don't even look at them, why am I supposed to give lectures? I've never wanted to be a teaching worker at any university.

The next subject at lab is "Rearrangement reactions, ring enlargement, and annulation". I can't find anything about annulation in the textbook students are supposed to learn from and ring enlargement reactions are brushed off by this textbook! I don't even know how deep I should go into this...

i have been a member here for nine years. that is a crazy long time to pissy on a message board. and it is even crazier to think about how bluelight has become such a part of my life. and the amount of things that have changed since i first joined.

when i joined i was a junior in college. i had found the site awhile before when i first rolled and occasionally checked it when i was bored late at night. i remember reading several posts by dr. suess in TDS and deciding to register to ask a question pertaining to a friend. i was constantly amazed by that was given and i wanted to know how to be that supportive without becoming depressed myself. many of the things my friend and i discussed were things i struggled with too.

i didn't really post for awhile after that altho i still lurked. i liked life (now SO) and i occasionally posted in the lounge. i also started keeping a journal on here. around 04, i went thru a period where i questioned my relationship with my partner. there was another person creeping into the picture. BL was a place i could talk about things without fear that it would get back to my partner. he was fairly aware of what was going on but i felt weird talking to friends because almost all our friends were mutual friends at the time.

i also started posting in the lounge around that time. between posting to my journal and interacting with people in the lounge, i was beginning to know some people pretty well. in the spring of 05, someone suggested an ohio meetup. somehow i convinced my partner to drive down to columbus with me to meet my internet friends. he knew i liked to post on BL but had very little idea what it was. the meetup was pretty eclectic. after that, BL became much more of a social site.

some time after that initial meetup, i began meeting and hanging out with more BLers. at first, i kept my real life friends separate from my BL friends. but i started becoming good friends with with some BLers and they began to meet my real life friends. and some of my real life friends began posting on BL.

when i became a mod, i got sucked into the politics of BL. i don't feel like getting into that here because i think it has died down but nepotism used to be pretty rampant. and then there was all sorts of random drama because most of the BLers i knew in real life were also on staff. and at the time, it seemed like there was another group of BLers that didn't like the current group running the site.

BL really gave me a chance to develop friendships on my own. i am rather shy and don't really talk to people i don't know. i usually rely on other people to make initial contact and then i just sort of befriend whomever they are friends with. BL also gave me a chance to talk openly about my thoughts and feelings. i figured if i ever said something super embarrassing or really regretted something, i could always leave the site. once i started meeting people, i began censoring myself a little bit but i am still more open here than i am in real life.

i have learned a lot of people skills too. modding the lounge took a lot of team work and patience which wasn't something i was used to. there would be time everyone disagreed on a mater and we'd spend pages discussing it. it would have been easy to just insult the staff i didn't agree with and do what i want, but that would have looked unprofessional. instead i got good practice explaining WHY i thought something was important and leaving my emotions out of it. i also learned to distance myself from drama and not get super butthurt when someone said something i didn't like. i've found these skills to be extremely helpful at work in real life.

i've also got to interact with a very diverse group of people from posting here. people from all sorts of different countries, ages and backgrounds all interact. it is really great to get all those different perspectives in a discussion. and being so exposed to differing viewpoints, some of them far more extreme than others. there is very little one can say about themselves that will shock me. i am not sure where else i could ever have serious conversations about the merits bestiality.

thanks to the diversity here, i am pretty comfortable with myself. i still have issues with self loathing and whatnot but i at least realize my views and opinions aren't completely bizarre. BL has actually helped me accept myself, i used to post a fair bit in the nudie thread and that is usually an ego boost but i also found people are pretty accepting and don't expect you to fit into one certain identity.

Things are on track, sticking to plan. I'm not feel bad at all actually. What I'm finding is that that tinge of withdrawal, only really starts to show itself in the later evening and when I first get up in the morning. It's kind of strange in that sense, because my two daily doses are spread out pretty much exactly twelve hours apart. Yet I don't feel anything at work. It seems that supports the notion that keeping busy is so key. Just getting out of the house for whatever purpose helps a lot if I'm a bit uneasy.

Just doing basic day to day things helps keep the mind on track. I got a haircut yesterday at the local cheap hairdresser, Supercuts kind of place, and there are two people on duty, this one older lady that cut my hair once before and I hate it she basically scrapes the skin off your skull as she combs through you hair, and then some nice younger girl - I get a kick I'm reading some car magazine and just hoping, oh please finish first, pulls out the blowdrier, that means it's almost done right? But no it's a girl getting her haircut so apparantly that involves just endlessly picking up little strands and snipping off tiny bits, gotta be perfect right.. So I think I'm doomed and maybe I should go run out to the car, oh I have an important phone call to take. But I got lucky. A haircut is sort of a cheap man's massage, you can close your eyes and it's relaxing I find. I think a key to being satisfied in life is finding the interest and humour in all the mundane activities that everyone needs to do. It's all your frame of mind, but my goal is to just use my keep my mind going creatively and actively all the time, so nothing is a chore. That is an idea I have thought about a lot. Most people just whine so much about their grind, this and that, but pretty much everything is subjective and perspective counts - so with the right attitude can all sorts of boring or tedious things you need to do be interesting or even enjoyable? I want to explore that.

There's a Russian writer called Ouspensky, and I remember reading a book of his, I believe it is called "In search of the miraculous". And he talks about some exercise - just stop and focus inward for a second, sort of acknowledge your mind and thinking as seperate from the rest of the world, your life, the things you do - "remember yourself" he says. It's very powerful actually I think. I do it a lot, but I remember first reading that I kind of did what he asked and you get this sense like "I've been doing things and thinking the whole time, but it feels almost like I was on autopilot before" - It lets you step out from everything and sort of reinvigorate yourself as an individual mind, a free and creative one if you want it.

I'm a big fan of philsophy books, they can really give you inspiration and confidence. I should join some kind of book club type thing, I don't know if they have ones for different topics or if most are the kind devoted to Oprah's pick of the months, you have to be female over 35.

I'm sticking to my healthy diet plans. Skipping on any junk foods. I couldn't believe it, today I actually made a decent breakfast for the first time I can remember in a couple of years. Made lunch instead of buying it. Not such a big deal, took me like 7 minutes in the morning, yet a lot of people and me included would argue they don't have time, and then just go spend $10 on something unhealthy. It's getting cold outside now and my building doesn't have super efficient heating so it gets chilly inside - I've been drinking tons of herbal teas, to stay warm and it sort of relaxes you. They have some cool shops at the malls, I think it's a new trend in the past few years, where they sell like a hundred different types of loose teas. After longing for a high so long it almost makes me feel a high to be able to get a sense of pleasure from simple things like a drink.

Didn't get to the gym tonight. Have a few things left to tidy up and had a couple of errands to run. Tommorow for sure though, I'll be packing the gym bag tonight. I should weigh myself and make note of the sort of changes this process brings in this regards. I wouldn't be surprised if it's a lot, I easily weighed 30 lbs more when I was fit and healthy before than I do now, like 175 or so at my peak.

I think as you can see I intend to put in lots of self-indulgent bits, probably lacking in the interesting department. But it is making me feel good to express myself a bit.

It's probably 100x better than some kind of journal day after day of lurid details of the discomfort and pain mixed in with "oh god how good it would feel to use right nowwww......"

Thanks,

the past twenty four hours have been a strange recollection of memory skits thrown together under one roof. knowing grins find pace around the licks of flame burning for the humane purpose of warmth and play. a heinous half eaten circle of burnt tree remains smoldering into charred glow-blocks separated us all into sections. eyes like almonds dancing with reflection.
the roller coaster hit like diamonds with a firm twist at the end. mad schemes with little thought of the outcome. i had a bad case of the giggles and i played stringed instruments for the entertainment of others. a pair of glasses gave the entire world a sphere of prismatic light which extended greedily with heavy fingers. i cant hear you, my eyes are busy.
when the couch called i had to admit that it was inviting. finely upholstered with carved pineapples and other various fruits i couldnt readily identify. i had every mind to fall on it face first, claiming it with my passion for the back of my own lids, but i couldnt. so i made a fine racket with a peace lily. jolting the leaves with the tips of my fingers until the entire weird thing was in motion. just thinking and trying not to think while the sun climbed the mountains.

Nothing feels right.

When I met you, you were living with your dad, and couldn’t hold down a job as a waitress. I gave you insurance, a place to live, a new car, and nursed you through your depression and anxiety. I paid for everything we did and never once asked for anything in return. You changed jobs 4 times a year. You almost never worked a 40 hour week. You never made more than $15,000 in a year, and most years you didn’t even make $10,000. FYI, people don’t live like you have for the last 8 years on that kind of money.

My family spent over $25,000 to get us married, and you acted like it was a burden for you to do the planning. I worked my ass off to provide for us and build a strong family, and you complained about having to move an hour and a half away. I waited on you hand and foot while you were pregnant, and you bitched that it wasn’t good enough, and never let me forget it. I took care of the baby after the birth, and you acted like it was a privilege.

After the birth you started to ignore me. The most obvious way was sexually, but your coldness was clear in other ways to. You stopped greeting me when I came home. You tried to avoid sleeping in the same bed. You didn’t care about anything I had to say.

Still, I supported you through nursing school. I paid the bills, and watched the baby, bending my schedule around yours in every possible way. I suspected it was your escape plan, but I took a chance on it anyway. I figured it was best to give you the option and see where it went. I didn’t say anything about you going out while I stayed at home with the baby, and let you have your space. You quit your job again, and took a job that kept you out all night and burdened our family more, and I said little. Then after three weekends of you not even coming home to sleep, I checked your phone, to find out you were courting another man. You told me it would get better. You told me to just hold on a little longer and you would come around. My family even paid for a cruise to try to help rekindle our marriage.

Then I caught you cheating on me a second time. Again you said it would be OK. You said that you loved me, and that you were in it for the long haul, and I tried to believe that. I tried to live with the coldness. I told myself that married couples don’t always connect, and that staying together was what was best for the baby, even if I wasn’t happy.

Then like clock work you graduated, got a job, and told me you wanted a separation. As soon as you didn’t need me you left. Now you’ll take the investment I made in you to another family, and you’ll leave me to piece together what I am left with. I have to be thankful that you didn’t rape me for more on your way out. Thank you for not being malicious. I don’t think you ever planned any of this. I don’t think you are evil, but I do think you are selfish. I will always question how you felt about me, and what things I didn’t catch you at. I don’t trust you, and I never will. I regret ever meeting you, and the foolish trust I gave you.

i put it in the microwave, pushed the numbers like BeEP bbeeepp BBEEEPPPP

and said, kill it gooood.

so i can only send one pm every 180 minutes.

Become a goddamn writer already.

Get yourself an IBM selectric III and a quality voice recorder, digital, analog, no fucking difference. DO IT NOW.

Write here everyday.

Use your current taper recorder to document casual conversations. I've done this once on a walk along the beach with a local head yesterday. The conversation turned out interesting, involving many in depth-experiences on homelessness and prison. Two subjects I mean to focus on intently in the future.

Writing Classes. FAFSA forms to fill out today. Lists of Nursing Homes in the area of which there are a plethora, a full-bore lot.

Just moved back from a 3 month stint in Lawrence KS, of which there were 4. Fucking 4. Bad move. But I'm here to stay and I'm reconnecting with old friends and enjoying some minor luxuries, free food (EBT), the occasional cannabis, chopin and a computer to fuck with since I broke both of mine in a drunken rage somehow. Must remember to cut a little water with that Wild Turkey I love so much.

I think that's all for now. Might take a walk. Les Ipsa Loquiter

S.A Viello

bad communication day. very bad. i don't know what the fuck was wrong with me. i managed to get into it with everyone. good job, go me! and the way things worked out is just so ironic, it couldn't be more ironic if someone set it up that way. i actually blocked someone's number today, this person was trying to give me something for nothing. and i was highly seeking that something to begin with. he irritated the bejesus out of me. well, i had told him from the beginning that Sagittarius and Taurus are not good together. so, whatever, probably the sooner the better. although what tomorrow shall bring is a good question.

also, the one person who i actually want to have sex with said he's coming by, way earlier in the day. and just as i gave up on it fully and got ready for sleep, so to speak, he texted and said he's on his way. now don't get me wrong, it's not a bad thing, but ready for sleep is not my most attractive state. and i'm likely to be very sleepy when and if he arrives. oh well. i told him so he knows what to expect. i have to say, even though he is not in love with me and i am with him and we have this twisted and fucked up non-relationship going on, sometimes, we have moments of love. just love. like, he knows that i love him pretty much unconditionally at this point. and that's a good thing.

wow and check this out, i just got auto-logged out and lost the end of my ranting. i guess it was meant to be then... c'est la vie.

It's later in the evening now and I'm starting to ache a fair bit. But it's not too bad and there's almost a bit of pleasure under the surface of the discomfort as I realize it's progress. I can't remember feeling excited in the last few years, about anything, maybe about getting home one long day to get high, but nothing more. Right now I feel excited..

So I know very well that just getting off the drugs is a small piece of the puzzle, I need to have a lifestyle that will support me being clean. I'm doing ok right now, I have my own place. I have a job I like and I earn a comfortable living from it.

But at the same time I'm really pathetic. I've not eaten well, I don't get much exercise. I don't have friends. I don't do much at all other than go to work and then just sit at home taking drugs.

I've been out grocery shopping. I have lots of fruits and vegetables, various things - mostly just using common sense, no processed things or junk food. I sometimes eat lots of junk food so I plan to eliminate sugar out of my diet as much as possible. One thing I personally enjoy is cooking actually. Most of the time I'm too lazy to do it, but the times I have, taking a recipe and putting in the effort to make something brings a lot more satisfaction than having a bag of doritos and a chocolate chip muffin for supper... That's something I've been thinking of too as an activity to pursue going forward, both for the health benefits and to keep busy. I'd even like to go take one of the kind of classes they have at the community colleges, general interest on all kinds of subjects like cooking, photography etc. for the fun of it and to even meet some people as well. I have some supplements too, I'll be having protein shakes, multi-vitamin, fish oil, anti-oxidants. I know a good diet is key.

And then - every single "how to kick" video on youtube mentions the same thing - exercising is so important. I'll be short on the pleasure chemicals for a while, and this will help add some. I used to be big into working out. I have got a membership at the rec centre, so I can go lift weights, do some cardio, swimming, hot tub, etc. I know damn well how much it can help. I can remember times after a good hard workout, sitting in the hot tub you have such a serene feeling, it's almost like a sort of euphoria. I'm really skinny too now, and I know most people put on weight after kicking drugs, so I want to be working hard so I can put on some muscle afterwards. I need to do some cardio training too, I don't have much endurance like I used to. I plan to start going to the gym after work each day.

Then I want to get out there, pursue some hobbies, meet some people. I want to take a class like I said, just basically get into some organized social activities. Doing volunteering work is often mentioned - helping people and good for networking. I'd like to meet a girlfriend even - that's an area where I'm probably weakest. I'm not some ugly socially inept guy. I was really shy and unconfident when I was younger, in school. Not anymore though, I mean I work in a very fast paced business environment where I need to be aggressive and where I deal with incredibly aggressive people. Yet asking some girl if I could take her out makes me really nervous. That's pathetic, I know I can do it, I gotta change. So that's a goal of mine. And then also just in general getting out there into situations where you deal with new people and make acquaintances. I'm not looking for some circle of buddies to go hang out with, go to bars or whatnot, that's not my style too much anymore. But I should have some people out there who I could be able to call a friend and do things with, and right now I don't. Part of it is that I moved a couple years ago for my work so I don't live in the same place I went to school and university in. But that's not a good excuse after this amount of time.

So damn, that's it really. It's not rocket science but obviously I've become fucked up enough that simple things like that are. I mean my place, I've spent the weekend cleaning up here, most of the time it's been a mess where I wouldn't even want to invite someone over, and that's bullshit. Plus having a nice orderly environment to spend time in if the physical aspect gets rough is sure to be much nicer than having to step over an obstacle course of clothes and junk on the floor everywhere you move - last year I threw my jacket on the floor and then later stepped on it and broke the screen of my cell phone in the pocket, how lame yes.... So today I pulled out the vacuum and toilet bowl cleaner, did the laundery, put on some music and got to work.

I think with these basic areas of focus - diet, exercise, and pursuing hobbies and social activities - I can get it done.

Game on then, I should go to sleep now. I have lots to take care of tommorow on Sunday. I'm starting to feel it a little more even from just going down 15%, but like I said, it's in some way a satisfying discomfort because I'm so sick of the life I've been leading and it means my reliance on a chemical is lessening.

I'm really looking forward to what I can acheive here. A little point to finish things off - I'm sure other people can relate to this. I've been using so long that I literally cannot truly remember what it was like when I was say 18 and had never touched any drugs, but still had fun doing things. I know I did. But today, say I'm going to go see a movie. That should be fun to most people, but for me it'll only be if I can swallow some pills after the lights go down. That's really bad. And is one great motivator for me to get off. But I know very well that given a bit of time and making the changes I've laid out, I'll get back there.

So these first two are the outlines, it'll be real life progress reports day to day from here on in. Hopefully I'll have lots of interesting things to write about. Good or bad I'll be including anything of importance. Thanks for reading.

So I thought I'd start off with a little overview of where I stand with my addiction and what the plan is for getting clean. I don't intend to go into details about specific drugs and dosages as we go here - my habit has consisted of various prescription or over the counter opiates, never anything illegal like heroin etc. I've never injected anything, it's been down the hatch, or up the other hatch lol.

To kick things off, today I decided to take a fairly big step down. I've reduced my dosage about 15% from what my average over the past year or so has been. I've tried a lot of times to follow a strict tapering plan, but it's never worked. I think the key is finding the happy medium between going so slow you take way too long to get things done and too fast where you suffer and get discouraged. So I'm going to make it two weeks to zero. So that amounts to about 7% reduction per day.

I'll be dosing twice per day, in the morning before I go to work, and then when I get home from work. Two equal doses. I've been doing three doses daily for quite a while, but I'm going to drop that because it ends up being pretty late in the day and I've always found that it interferes with the quality of sleep I can get when I take something within a couple of hours of going to bed.

I have some Kratom which I purchased a while back. I've actually had a cup of tea I made about twenty minutes ago and I find it provides a pretty mellow relaxed feeling, I feel quite good actually. But I've never found any kind of major euphoria like taking opiates, which some people have reported. So I think what I'll do is stick to my twice a day dose of opiates, tapering down, and then have a cup of kratom tea later in the evening before I go to bed. I don't use that much of it, basically a tablespoon of powdered leaf, not the extracts or anything.

I have Diphenhydramine 25mg tablets which I might use to help me sleep if that becomes a problem. I picked up some Aleve, which is naproxen sodium, I've never taken it before but I've read people reccomending it as being more effective than other OTC painkillers. I've read people reccomend loperamide, maybe I'll get some if I feel I need it. But it is an opiate I think and could set me back in the process of having my brain reset all those receptors back to a point where they can function naturally. And honestly after years of constipation having things moving along more regularly would be welcome, but I know if it gets severe it can lead to dehydration and needs to be addressed. I'm going to be adjusting my diet and taking some supplements, but I'll discuss that in the next post, which will be about the changes to my life I plan to make, this one here is just about my plan with regards to getting clean of drugs. If anyone has any other suggestions of importance I've missed, I'd greatly appreciate any advice.

I think this will be the right balance, this rate of tapering. The longest I ever went without during the last five years was three days, cold turkey. I could have gone through it, it was very unpleasent but certainly not unbearable. But honestly at that point I hadn't seen enough of the negatives of my habit so I wasn't motivated enough to get off. Now I have seen them, I'm wasting my life right now. I've become really pathetic in a lot of ways, it's sad, but my emotions feel numb, opiates do that to you. I remember when I quit for three days, at one point I was feeling awful but I had this sensation of emotion I'd been missing so long, I look forward to getting that back again.

So that's the plan. I'll post updates of my progress, how I'm feeling, what I've taken to deal with symptoms etc. I think I'd like to keep that up on a daily basis over the next couple weeks as I approach zero.

It's been a lonely habit. Me and me alone, nobody else knows what I've been doing. Maybe some have been suspicious, coming into work each day with pinhole pupils... That's telltale to those of us who know, but I think the average person doesn't recognize any of that. It would be nice to have some support from people I know, but I don't think I'd gain anything from sharing the truth, in fact I'd surely suffer being marked with that label, the average person is very close minded and unsympathetic to drug users. Writing this down feels good though, even if nobody reads any of this I think it will give me some motivation and allow me an outlet for my thoughts and feelings which I can't share with anyone personally. But if anyone is interested to follow a long a bit and share their thoughts it would be even better!

Thanks for reading,
I'm going to do it this time, I'm determined.

Greetings!

Today I am going to talk about a Research Chemical which is gaining slight popularity. The chemical in question is 5-MeO-DALT, a tryptamine which is considered to be an analogue of DALT. I have very recently come into possession of this compound, and since attaining it, have experimented with it a few times. I have yet to try this compound through oral administration, and my use up to this point has been limited to smoking the compound, using a glass rose (meth pipe) as my smoking device.

Before I really give any account of the effects of the chemical, I feel it's necessary to comment on the characteristics I have noted from dealing with it. It appears as a soft, fluffy, white crystalline powder. When smoked, the chemical immediately turns to a liquid after exposure to heat or flame, evaporating into a smoke rather quickly. This makes it nearly impossible to effeciently smoke off of aluminum foil. Now, the effects


Anyways, just thought I'd give my two cents about this chemical, since it is still relatively unknown. Check it out if you have the chance! I will update when I have experimented with it orally. Take care, and be safe bluelighters!

I am a bit benzo'ed out right now (for good reason though) so excuse me if this post is nonsensical. I thought about it BEFORE the Xanax bar worked it's way into my system and I was sober, so hopefully my revelation won't be lost in the haze and I can remember what I was trying to get at lol. I'll do my best.

The thing about addictive behavior, I believe, is understanding WHY you have said behavior in the first place. There are two types of people: recreational users who can control their drug use, and addicts. And whether it's accidental or not (i.e. you get addicted through a legitimate surgery and prescription your doctor kept you on, like in my case)... it never really IS accidental. It's just easier to believe that way.

Because the thing with addicts is, we ALWAYS have a reason for using our DOC. That reason is to cope. There are different things that different people cope with, and depending on that person's needs, I think that has A LOT to do with the substance they've chosen as their DOC. I currently went through something very traumatic recently (explained in my last blog - won't get into it much here), and unfortunately it took that experience in order for me to fully understand the hold opiates... and now benzo's, since opiates no longer work for me due to Suboxone... have on me.

In my case, it was because my dentist kept me on Vicodin FAR too long after my wisdom tooth surgery. To his credit, I did need it because I developed a dry socket. But did I REALLY need to go back every week, complain about pain that I could easily handle on my own, just to get a new script? No. No, I did not. The real reason was that the drugs were helping me to cope with some things I was going through at the time - PTSD, among a slew of other fucked up things.

And I realized, today, that once I had more or less squashed those feelings, through therapy (or at the very least made them manageable on my own), my usage declined quite a bit. Because I did not need to numb my emotions anymore. Ever since I started declining my usage, I've more or less gotten my life back on track. And I was ALMOST there. I should have been off of Suboxone this month. I was ready to say goodbye to benzos and opiates for good, because I was no longer stuck in my own personal hell without them.

Until, that is, a week ago. Until my "best friend" almost killed me. Until people started saying it was "hilarious". Until I realized that those were just the people saying it to my face - and that there are probably even MORE people disguised as "friends" who are secretly thinking it's "hilarious", if not wishing I had actually died - I'm sure Giselle does. Until my mind started reminding me every hour or so that there is a very good chance I wouldn't be here right now, had the paramedics arrived just a few minutes later. Until all of the above instantly reminded me of every single other fucked up thing anyone has ever done to me (which are just as traumatic, and won't get into them in detail, at least not now.)

And then, all of a sudden... I NEEDED some sort of chemical release. I was sitting on my couch about two hours ago, sinking into a really horrible depression - the kind of emotional pain that physically hurts, and makes you feel like there's a hole inside of you, and that you'll never be whole again, and that makes you almost wish they HAD killed you, because then at least you wouldn't have to feel this way. It would have been a painless death, too. I'm no longer afraid of death, although I used to be horribly afraid of it. But now I know that when you're dying, it seems your brain shuts off all of your pain receptors and renders you unconscious. Because, honestly, I didn't feel a thing. I would have died, and not even realized it, and not felt any pain from it. But alright, I'm not going to go there.

So there I was on my couch, curled up in the fetal position, trying to breathe and hold myself together, trying to just be strong and let the pain overwhelm me and then tough it out... when I figured out that I don't NEED to feel that way. Isn't it human nature to shy away from pain? To me, it seems like if you have a surefire way to eliminate the pain, it would be masochistic not to employ it. And I am not a masochist. So I decided that because I wasn't the one to inflict this amount of mental anguish on myself, I didn't deserve to have to suffer through it if I didn't have to, and I went and popped a Xanax bar.

And while everything isn't perfect just because I took the Xanax - my problems are still there - I've just bought myself a few hours of release. Of no emotion. Of no more pain, no more suffering. Of just being numb, and not having to feel. And of maybe, possibly, giving me enough strength to see that there are good things in life that I can try to be happy about while I go through this.

I guess it's not as much of a relevation as I thought, but I DID understand my addiction in that moment. It completely stems from knowing I don't have to suffer if I don't want to.

People sometimes cover their addiction up. They say, "I just wanted to get high". But ask yourself this... WHY do you want to get high? Really ask yourself that, and be honest with yourself. While it may or not be out of boredom, I have a feeling that it's because you just wanted to feel good. And imo, people who already feel good don't need to take any sort of substances in order to feel even better, because they're already "high on life". I'm not saying this to offend anyone or to get anyone's backs up, but I believe it's something to think about at the very least. Just my two cents.

xBC

Thanks to a_c for posting the original!

1. what is one of your favorite childhood memories?
Hm, tough one. I'll have to come back to this.

2. how does your life compare to your life 10 years ago?
Ten years ago I had just been required to withdraw from univeristy, was working a meh job in a cafe, partying all weekend every weekend, hung out on BL and generally hated myself. Now I like myself a bit more, enjoy my work (more or less), play an instrument, am a lot more fit and healthy and generally have gotten better at life. Still hang out on BL a fair bit though

3. what does your wallet look like?
It's a stainless steel woven fabric wallet. Looks like this:



It is awesome.

4. favorite pizza toppings:

A really good margherita is nice, or a 'veggie plus' from the mom and pop place down the street: bell peppers, onions, mushrooms, broccoli, olives and lots of fresh garlic with a ton of cheap mozza. Horrible for me, but every now and then it just hits the spot.

5. list 2 truths and lie. people can guess in the comments which is lie

• I think it's hilarious that people still watch tv or read newspapers.
• I love dogs, but will likely never own one.
• To celebrate the completion of my kitchen renovation, I'm in the middle of baking a delicious cake.

6. how many email addresses do you have?

3 active accounts, 2 rarely-used ones (including a PATRIOT-exempt gmail account that I really need to migrate to)

7. do you pee in the shower?

Sometimes, but only ever in my own shower. Peeing in a public shower or someone else's is just kind of a dick thing to do.

8. name 3 websites you frequent (besides BL)

Astronomy Picture of the Day (NASA outreach)
Herbivoracious (vegetarian cooking blog)
Clean, Green, Simple (vegan cooking/clean living blog)

9. what is your favorite word? why?

Another toughie. In terms of words that I use often, I've been big on 'awesome' lately, to the point where it's losing meaning. From an 'I like this word, but don't use it often' standpoint... I can't think of just one that stands out. Excise, transusbstantiate, intransigent, extrinsic, deleterious and disingenious all come to mind. I love language, and wordplay.

10. where is some place you have always wanted to go?

Antarctica. Deep within the mainland, none of this 'right at the tip of the penninsula, just so that I can get my passport stamped for traveller cred' nonsense.

I am dosed on sedatives but sleep won't come. Got a set of Mel brooks dvds to watch. Only got my phone to write with...I wish I had my laptop. I need to write my heart out.

Now that I am living off the grid (without commercially provided electricity or other utilities), I have been in the habit of going to bed soon after dark. But sometimes depending on when the moon rises and sets, I stay up late to look at the sky. Late night for me is around 8 or 9 PM. Or I wake and go outside early, nowadays around 3 am. That is early enough to give me plenty of time to look at stars before the sky becomes murky around 4 am.

In the morning my routine is to go outside with a start chart and a red light and spot the labelled constellations (e.g. Orion, Gemini, Taurus, and the Pleiades which are the most prominent eastern constellations about this hour). Then I consult a more detailed star atlas for the major stars, nebulae and Messier objects. I have already learned the constellations and many of the stars and other objects that I can spot with the naked eye or even binoculars -- their names, positions within their respective constellation, and some astronomical trivia about them. Then I build a fire in the wood stove in the cabin for making breakfast and coffee. That, and I have taken up daily (early morning) meditation practice using the meditation techniques I learned in the Buddhist (Tibetan) church that I used to attend.

So I'm pretty close to hitting a wall with respect to the usefulness of the 50x Bushnell field binoculars. I've spotted nearly everything interesting that they are capable of resolving. So I would like to have a telescope. My requirements are that the telescope have a large aperture, a couple of eye pieces, and excellent optics. It has to be rugged and cheap to buy or build. Because of the lack of electricity here -- obviously there is no solar power at night, and the batteries that have been charging all day won't power anything power-hungry for long, my telescope cannot be motorized or computerized. As for prices, most good ones start at around $4000 new.

Strangely, it is kind of hard to find a telescope without a either a computer or motor drive built into it at any price. Even beginner telescopes with crappy optics have these features (computers, tiny digital cameras, and motors). Manufacturers must have conspired to include these bells and whistles so that they can jack up the price by another $1000 or more. By the way, those features are only needed by a very few hobbyists -- those who are into astrophotography or maybe comet hunters or something. But I think the advertising targets those who can't or won't use star charts and the spotting scope that is traditionally mounted on the side of the main tube of most telescopes.

Maybe on Craigslist I can find a good used one for 500-1000. But I would have to deal with transportation to the seller (finding a ride and driving for hours), testing it on a star to check for flaws in the optics. Or, I could build one from readily available parts.

A backpacker I met on the Pacific Crest trail was telling me that a good, easy to build telescope is the Dobsonian telescope. This telescope features a simple design and was popularized by the amateur astronomer John Dobson starting in the 1960s. Dobson's telescope is a base-mounted (alt-azimuth) Newtonian (reflecting) telescope. It is easy to manufacture from readily available components, and is large, portable, rugged, and low-cost. It would cost $200 to build (less if I can manage to grind my own mirrors). And it is easy to set up (collimate) on a first star viewing.

Not only that, but the design is optimized for visually observing faint, deep sky objects such as nebulae. This type of observation requires a large objective diameter (i.e. light-gathering power) of relatively short focal length. Also, I think it is useless in light-polluted urban areas, so the portability was needed (Dobson lives in San Francisco.) for travel to relatively less light polluted locations.

Anyway, researching a design, gathering the parts, and building my own is going to be my project for a couple of days this month.

Nothing else for it but to watch dads army and drink cocoa. Maybe have a cheeky valium to silence this busy head of mine. Tomorrow I will write about what ails my heart.

So much of you all know I have a girlfriend. Well things wasn't so bad at first, we both had time where we could spend almost all day everyday together.. Now things have changed, I just recently started work at a new job, and I'm working evenings. from 4pm-close(which is around midnight), and my girlfriend is working day shifts, like 9am-5pm.
Since started this job we havnt been able to spend much time with each other, and its like we are geting further distant apart..
I have feelings for this girl, we've already had sex a few times, and it's not like I don't care for her, which I really do care for her. I hope she feels the same way about me.
I'm not the kind of guy that's violent or abusive, I concider myself sweet, kind hearted, and gentle. I don't come off as the kind of guy that has anger problems.
So starting this job.. we havn't seen much of each other, last time I saw her was 3 days ago when we both spent some time together, like not even a few hours.. we did make love, and that was it.
What i'm getting at is this emotion i'm going through atm, its hard to explain.. the text messages and phone calls are getting shorter and shorter, and later and later in the night because of work.
The feeling i'm going through is almost a void feeling.. i feel alone, and heart broken. I still think we are still girlfriend and boyfriend, she hasn't said or done anything yet. It's almost like i'm hurt, love struck, but then it's going sour.
Since I don't do drugs anymore this shit is really pressuring me, I don't want to use or anything, I know for a fact if I use over this then I'll overdose. I tend to always do more, espically when i'm going through this kind of shit.
I just hope and pray that she doesn't break my heart. Should I get ready and prepared for the end of the relationship? I've never gone through one of these sober, I don't want to do something that I regret.

I really hope it doesn't go that way, I don't know what will happen.. It's like you tell a girl/guy you love them, and mean it, and have all of those strong emotions there that make u reallyy happy. but when it all the suddon ends abrutly ur left with that ache and pain, where i'd trade physical pain for that kind of shit anyday of the week.

I don't know.. I want to be with her, I really do! I love the girl, like love her with my heart. I don't think i've shown any signs of coming on to hard, or being to big of a pussy or less of a man. i'm not controlling nor am I always pestering her, I worry when I don't hear from her.. mostly because we are both in the program, and both have drug problems, so when i dont hear from her i always think of the worse..

hope things go alright. :/
god please give me a sign, if shes the right one for me in my life. show me how to become a better man, not only in her life but in my life. teach me how to become that special someone in her life.
-drew

I still have not completely recovered. Writing this brought up some old memories, but I just am no longer really sad. I just feel intense loss. I'm working on stuff still. I need to wake up and live,and stop thinking about my terrible choices. I still do opioids, but I don't pay for them, and usually rotate on and off in two week cycles. I stopped smoking weed. It just made me anxious, and my thoughts run. Citalopram (AntiD) made me feel suicidal which is far from me. Stopped it immediately. I take temazepam and clonazepam but not as prescribed, luckily I don't get much, so no large quantity to fuck myself with. Opioids are starting to rapidly get old. I don't pay for the ones I get (well I sell enough to make a few bucks and just keep 150 + pills), which makes stopping harder, but I'm sick about only caring about the next date they are available. At the same time I dread not having access to them. heh, I read what you wrote about bring addicted to cocaine when 17, same here. Stopped that year too. I did weigh 270 at one point, after my dad died my appetite left me. I was down to 160 at one point, so unhealthy. My appetite only increased about a month ago. No idea why. What I really lack is purpose, motivation. Watching DVRed shows is not purpose.

I had accepted my fate to die in those apartments. I'm so glad that didn't come to pass.

Both times I've taken classes I've just stopped going. What a waste. I will complete what I started... eventually. Some of the last advice my dad gave me was very applicable: "I don't care what youty choose to do, just do it," in his typical non-judgmental style.

I feel for you about people offering their help and not meaning it. Every time one offered me "anything I needed," I wanted to return with my Dad's classic humor "ok, I'll take your house keys, car title, and bank accounts, thank you for being so kind." I wouldn't give up in trusting everyone however.

As for your mother feeling pain, or having many coherent thoughts before dying, she probably went unconscious so rapidly, I doubt it. I feel for you and my brother, finding them. But you should be assured that unless you had a working defibrillator right there, it was futile.

I'm curtis what you think about what I've said, and look forward to your reply!