hang strong, chuchu. I remember when I was ready to die from feeling that there was no other way out. Dude told me 'you don't want to die, you just want the pain to go away'. He was right. Man, its fucking hard work getting off the shit but it can be done. Have you considered going into treatment? Its a rare few that can get off the shit by themselves so give yourself a break. It'll suck in the beginning but in time it gets easier and easier.
Let us know how today went (dope or no dope).