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Long ago I had said I would post photos of what I feel is the most attractive part of the Philippines, the northern most province, Batanes, is a small set of volcanic outcroppings within sight of Taiwan. The indigenous tribe, the Ivatans, speak a non-Austronesian Language (unlike virtually all other Philippine groups) that is a lot closer to Southern Chinese dialects.

Prone to typhoons (Pacific equivalent to hurricanes) which hit it dead centre at least five times a year and often more, the Ivatan traditionally build their homes of stone with walls one meter (3 ft) thick. Roofs are straw thatch so that they look more at home in the Hebrides are Shetland than in Southeast Asia. All the more so given a winter temprature that sometimes dips below freezing.

Get a fucking life and a perspective

Where did all the time go? When the fuck did I start getting older? And why does it feel like there's nothing to look forward to anymore???

Hello! I am a 16 year old female who was diagnosed with a severe case of ADD roughly around 6 to 9 months ago. I have ADD not ADHD therefor instead of being hyperactive, i am apathetic. I was given a prescription for Vyvanse 40 mg which recently got upped to 60 mg. My life has changed greatly from the effects of a stimulant. I now enjoy learning, I look forward to school, and I succeed at mostly anything I put my mind to..Before I was put on medication i was impulsive, I acted out of irrationality, I never thought about consequences, I was a problem child. Now it seems I am learning things day by day that I should have learned a long time ago.

Vyvanse helps my concentration, BUT I am experiencing a surplus amount of irritability, anxiety, fast heart beat, loss of appetite, dry mouth, trouble with sleeping, chronic headaches, and horrible come downs which result in painful all around body aches. I have tried lower dosages and they have no effect on my lack of concentration. My medicine kicks in sporadically throughout the day rather than in consistent doses. I'm not sure what to do, my doctor is very skeptical about changing up the drugs, possibly because I am so young. I have been prescribed the following medications to cancel out the side effects of a stimulant; which have all failed to work: abilify, strattera,and Methylphenidate (Ritalin). None of these have even made a noticeable impact in my worrying/over analyzing. So as of now I only take 60 mg Vyvanse and 7 mg Intuniv both once a day. Intuniv works a tad bit, it is a non stimulant it cancels out some of the side effects of the stimulant like, fidgeting, worrying, and bad moods. But not enough to my standards.

Ever since i started taking Vyvanse my thoughts are negative, my social situations have become completely awkward, nothing excites me, I feel like I have nothing to look forward to in life, i have forgotten how to be myself, and I get caught up in petty tasks. HOWEVER, the plus side is I am over exceeding academically and behaviorally.

I need any help i can get deciding if i should switch medications, add another medication, or just stop taking them as a whole. It is no doubt i have ADD, and i strongly believe i need a stimulant to make it out of bed, but what can i do to relax and get rid of this negative emotions? It's hard to talk to these things with my mother so PLEASE share your opinions!! thanks

Ahahahahaha! I fucking LOVE Jarvis Cocker.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TyZEPTndtBg&feature=related

let me start out by saying i am currently living in a craz ass 3/4 way house and i just got this guy kicked out which sucks we did mad drugs over the weekend including shooting dope in a cemetary and then proceeding to pass out because we may have done a lil much then the guard was super cool but he told us we should prob bounce sometimes i feel like i am suffocating in this environment and getting high is what sets me free but i am afraid of getting in trouble too as of now tho i still pop my xanax which i am not sposed to but i did obtain it legally i need something more in my life i guess

Firstly.

Morrissey. What the fuck are you doing, allowing Marks and Spencer to butcher one of the best songs in the world??? I support your decision because I'm sure they're paying you plenty for it... and you've said you're happy with it... but having a small child singing "Please, please, please" to his parents because he wants PRESENTS is EVERYTHING I thought you were against? Fair enough I shop at Marks and Spencer but don't ruin works of art!! That song was meant to be about unrequited love and now it's just the whining of some little shitehawk who wants to make sure he gets whatever the latest toy is!!!! I'm disappointed but hope that the money goes towards helping find a label to release your album. I'm just glad I don't have a television because the advert sounds like an abomination.

Secondly.

I felt so MAD when I went down the street before. I think it was probably just me but I felt so mad at everyone. People walking too fast, people walking too slow... it really pissed me off and I'm worried about how bitter I'm becoming. I used to be scared to walk into shops on my own, now I burst through the door and bare my teeth (almost, anyway) at snobby shop assistants. I don't get it. It's probably survival instinct having kicked in. Let's face it there's nobody left to carry me mentally. I mean, it's fine, but I just don't know if other people do have a problem or if I'm just assuming everyone has a problem.

For example. I wore my big DM boots and I had a blue and grey stripey jumper on with leggings. I've got about a quarter of my head shaved in very close and I have my nose and lip pierced. Yet I was looked at like I was from mars. The guy that served me at the supermarket obviously thought I wasn't good enough to be in there.

Fuck all that. If I could afford to get organic veg delivered to my door I would fucking well do it. Unfortunately I can't so I just have to forgo my ethics in order to sustain myself.

It's not so much I care what people think, it's more that I wish they would think of something better to do with their time than look down their nose at people and judge them. I try not to judge anyone but when you get the reaction I did from a few people then I would probably feel justified in making assumptions.

Well I've already post-mortemed today's shopping exploits so I shouldn't bore you again.

I sat down this afternoon to tidy up my paints and ended up finishing off the big canvas that i started last night. I like it but I'm worried that it's a bit busy. I've got zero artistic talent... I just enjoy painting as my head tends to shut up when I paint and I always start popping out lines of poems. That happened today. It's like painting is sometimes the gestation period for sentences or titles for poems.

I've got two to work on so I might just post something in Words later on.

Right now I'm sitting listening to OMD and drinking my first glass of wine. I guess it's just going to be another quiet night in on my own.

That's ok though. I can deal with it. I'm not going to lose the plot through cabin fever like I did last night. To be honest I could have went up to Edinburgh and stayed with Ailsa and Colin but I didn't really feel like I was capable of socialising. I'm too skint as well... it's going to be baked potatos or ready brek until pay day. I wish I was better with money :-/

To be honest even if I had cash I'd probably still be doing this. I am a rock, I am an island. Although I'm tempted to see if old punk veteran Billy wants to visit next month for a few days... I see no shame in it just being he and I... I'm sure he would be able to help me write and paint a little bit better.

Life is so mundane. I need something to change or I'm going to go crazy.

so i went to a sex party on halloween with my bestest friend who i also am hopelessly into, and he's not into me. i've gone with him once before and oddly enough it ended up being fine. we hooked up with another guy friend of mine. anyways this time i was dressed as Wednesday Addams, and the wig started giving me a headache from the moment i put it on. then when i got to the party i drank some special water, and he was already there and sitting on the patio trying to have stupid conversations with chicks trying to make something happen. so i sat with him for a bit, then i got really cold and then the g kicked in and i was pretty much passing out. he thought i was just trying to get attention and was really mean to me. i was standing there holding on to my head, feeling dizzy, finally i sat up and started dozing off, and he said i should get up and be social. fuck that bullshit. so i ended up giving him the rest of my money so he can get home, and getting a ride from a friend. i felt like shit when i got home. i texted him the next day, and ask what the hell is up, are we not friends anymore? i had to pretty much make him apologize. pretty sure he wasn't really being sincere. i hate him and i love him. and he's my closest friend. and i don't feel like there's any hope for me at this time. i am sick and tired of trying to meet new people because nobody is anywhere as good as him. what did i do to deserve this? i know i am not a good person, i have ulterior motives. and i feel like it's too late for me to change myself.

i am just really really sad right now. i am so sick and tired of my stupid life. sick of living pay check to pay check. i am tempted to quit my job and just give up. fuck it all to hell.

Fuck yeah.

I went to one of the local charity shops and managed to pick up:

Complete Madness by Madness
Parallel Lines by Blondie
Prince Charming by Adam and the Ants
Suzi Quattro's Greatest Hits
The Kick Inside by Kate Bush
The Fine Art of Surfacing by the Boomtown Rats

On 12".

Seriously. Who takes vinyl like that to a charity shop???

Still though. Their loss is my gain

I got the lot for a fiver!

Picked up a new oil burner and some lavender oil. It's the only scent that lasts in the flat. I've got some plug ins and I think I'm allergic to them. I think lavender oil and nag champa incense will work better. I don't know why I stopped using them.

I also got some yumms from Marks & Spencer and a bottle of red wine. I'm going to have pasta tonight so thought I could have a drink too. Play my new records.

This afternoon I'm going to get the flat tidy and clean. It's hard to do because it's so small and it's hard to know where to put things. Still though. It always looks lovely and cozy when it's done. Just wish I occasionally had a visitor. I mean, sometimes I do. But usually it's just me rattling about on my own. I prefer living on my own though.

I think I'm just a really anti-social person. I don't mind the company of small groups of people but try to take me on a proper night out and I struggle. I'm fine at a festival cos I can just drift about and do my own thing. I've got my own seperate groups of friends at festivals so I could technically go to Solfest, Beatherder or Eden on my own and be just fine. I just can't fucking stand pubs full of people. And even worse when I try to sneak off people won't let me. I'm not a kiljoy for going home I just want to be somewhere I feel comfortable. And out in Galashiels isn't comfortable. It's ok every now and then but the hipsters in this town are not all they're cracked up to be... but enough about that.

I'm making a baked potato for lunch... better go and get sorted out... get my cleaning clothes on and make an effort

I'm glad I feel a bit more positive today. Last night was horrible. I'm not even sure what triggered that.

I just feel like its a losing fight. When I was a kid we had a saying "Go big or go home" I think that one statement has caused me more pain then anything else. I have gone big I shot dope I robbed dealers I laughed in the face of certain destruction I lived like there was no tommorow yet here I am I guess there is always a tommorow. Im ready to get back on the train even though I know exactly where it goes but what scares me is I honestly cant even explain why. Its like there is this dark cloud permanetly above my head yea sometimes the sun shines but its always briefly only enough so that I know what im missing. Im sourrounded by kids having the time of there lives but all I want to do is move back to that grimey ass city and submerge myelf back into the dope game.

what I really want to do is go be a couselor at a rehab but all of them only hire steppers and thats just not my game. Theres this dude I know down here who is an opiate addict he is walking the same steps I went thru so I try to be there for him tell him that it will be ok but in my head im thinking your fucked, just like me. I dont even know what im trying to say I guess im just jaded to the whole thing I mean im really blessed family who loves me a few friends plenty of aquantences people I could chill with yet its just not enough for some reason.

I'm not sure if it's the bottle of wine I've drank or if I've just managed to be mature enough to be realistic... but I have calmed down a bit.

Life is so fucking frustrating at the moment. I hate this time of year. Every year for the last few years someone I care about has either killed themself or died. I fucking hate it. People that should still be here aren't here anymore and it just doesn't make sense. Jamie and Leiah I understand to some extent. They took their own lives. I don't condone it but it was their decision to go. Murray and Paula didn't have a choice. Murray was hit by some cunt in a car while riding his bike to Tessie's with Knowli and Paula had been drinking too much and didn't know her liver was weakened. I know it's selfish for me to be upset about these losses but I can't help it. They were all wonderful people who had so much to offer the world and I'm mad as hell they won't have the chance. Two of the worst moments in my life were having to tell Marianne that Murray had died and to tell Bea (Jamie's girlfriend) that he'd killed himself. I was the only link between Bea and Jamie that could have done it and it breaks my heart to remember her pain when I called her. We couldn't even go to his funeral. One of Jamie's friends took us to "the place" which was really difficult and then he took us to Jamie's grave. Bea collapsed at the graveside and I just had to get down beside her and hold her. I don't think I'll ever understand why Jamie felt his time was up. I wish he'd talked to one of us.

Murray. Lovely Murray. His death is the next anniversary coming up and he's been on my mind these last few days. We shared the same birthday. It was a "thing" with us. I thought he and Heather might get back together but she fucked off to India. The only two things I remember about the day of Murray's funeral was Tessie and I trying and failing to hold each other up at the graveside and ending up on the ground crying into each other, and the "wake" which was more of an all out party that Murray's brother organised after the official wake. I lost the ability to talk by the end of it through sheer grief. I don't like to say any good came of Murray's death but it's because of what happened that I met Colm and I see no shame in trying to take something positive away from it. Murray is gone. Colm is one of my best friends in the entire world. He's my big brother. I met Colm one night in Gala outside Indigo Rooms after the Fudds played a gig with Craig Jeffrey about a week after the accident. Turns out he'd worked with Murray. I don't know what I'd do without Colm.

I remember Marianne came up after her and Ben broke up and we went to see Murray. Well, we visited his grave. We got a bottle of whiskey and lay on either side of the grave. We had a good chat and told him what we'd been up to. That we missed him. I left him a note that said:

"Moments lost but time remains, we are so proud of who you were, no pain remains... no feeling... eternity awaits..."

It's paraphrasing of a lyric to a song by VNV Nation called "Beloved" which was the only song I could listen to for about a month after we lost Murray. Murray was a legend and I wonder what he'd make of the world today.

It's Paula's funeral on Thursday coming but it's in London and I can't get down there for it. I'm gutted but I don't have enough cash and if I megabus it I couldn't do it in one day and I can't afford to stay anywhere... and I don't know her peeps down there to see if there was a spare room anywhere. Not sure that would be appropriate anyway.

I guess, these tragedies aside, whatever is going on in my head right now that is making me feel crazy is probably not that big a deal. I know it's selfish of me to feel so sorry for myself but I can't help it. I'm so glad to be alive and I'm so grateful for all the good things in my life but I don't know how to cope with the everyday frustrations of life and it's really starting to mess with me.

Is life meant to be this constant fight against adversity? I've been told that I'm a rebel without a cause and that I need to stop rebelling against nothing... it's just that it doesn't FEEL like nothing.

Life's changed. It's fucked up. There used to be good people, good drugs, good times... and there was none of this vapid, consumerist, fake tanned and silicone titted bullshit.

I feel incredibly alone in this world. I know we're all alone in this world but I feel like I have no allies. I'm a loner. I don't have a boyfriend or a lot of friends or a social life. I'd rather stay in and drink wine and paint or write alone than go out dancing these days. I tried to to be like "everybody else"... but I'm not.

And of course it'd be wrong of me to take powder on my own. I crave it. I CRAVE it. Just to help me right. Just to feel that speedy rush that will keep me up all night and open vocabulary gateways the likes of which I haven't seen since the year of "billy nights". Fucking hell.

I guess things will happen in their own sweet time. For my part, I'm trying to make an effort. I'm applying for my provisional driving license. Looking into taking a photography course. Looking into Uni next year (I'd stay here and travel every day)... but will it work? Will it happen?

I don't know. I guess I can only hope and try. The only person I can rely on is me.

Fucking hell this is a rant and a half full of tangents...

Right. Time to shut up.

My wine is nearly finished so I guess it's time for bed soon. I'm going to watch Almost Famous. Most likely I'll be distracted by the constellation of luminous stars on my wall.

So what.

I can do whatever the fuck I want.

Why must my head grow so dark? I'm ok, I'm really ok. I can cope. There's nothing even wrong.

I'm safe, I'm warm, I'm healthy and things can only hurt and upset me if I let them.

I'm so fucking fed up. I'm so bored.

I want to see people and I want to see life.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I'm going to have another glass of wine and finish the painting I've started. This is temporary and there's nothing really wrong.

This is my second day without a cigarette, and my body feels good but my mind is hating it. I'm very irritable. I'm going to try and actually quit instead of taking a week long break and then starting up again.
I'm going to apply for jobs tomorrow, because I need something to occupy my spare time with, and I really need the cash. And no longer am I going to blow all my money on blow. Perhaps occasionally. But right now I don't have the mental or financial stability.
I had dreams about smoking last night. I also dreamed that I railed, injected, and smoked coke. Guess that's a sign to stop.

The upstairs neighbours dog is a yappy, annoying little cunt.

I love animals but that dog is a cunt.

Time to dump some of this emotional stuff in the bucket.

I miss my ex. But I can't do anything about it so I might as well try and be happy with the positive things I have in my life. It obviously wasn't meant to be and I can't change what happened. All I can do is be grateful about the time I had with him and hope that maybe one day I'll have closure. Cub was my first and last real love and I should be grateful.

In general I can't do anything to change the path I've taken and I need to accept the mistakes I've made in my life and learn from them. The place I'm in now is reflective of my actions and if I'm not happy with the place I'm in then my actions need to change.

I am gutted about Paula. But I can't bring her back and I can't turn back time. I accept that she's gone from this life and returned to the planet. The best thing I can do is take on board the things she taught me about who I am and about life. I can be grateful for the time I had with her and make her proud by living my life to it's fullest instead of running away from it.

My first act was to get a decent undercut shaved into the side of my head. I fucking love it.

Next step is to buy some wine and fags, get shitfaced and write and paint.

I know, I know, it's not much. But I need to start somewhere and decide how to move forward.

The first one, on the left, is a jeepney. They alw)s have strange English names like, "Sexy Grandma" or "Che Guevuera's Family Tree." They are the quinessential Filipino affectation. I was shocked to see jeepneys in two Caribbean islands but have learned that they were in fact "invented" here.

The second is a "habal habal," enough said.


The third is a "skylab," with people on the wings. The saddest thing is that when they crash, and it happens regularly, people die ALWAYS.

I actually couldn't find a photo of the McDo but found this photo of a bank promo offering that 1.30 US siggy chicken meal- don't forget the ball of rice, in exchange for a bank transaction of US 125, what a rip off. The weird thing about that chicken is it has no taste. I admit I am partial to KFC though. When the first Cambodian KFC opened I was in PP and was forced to go in by Rizza who ended up agreeinh it sucked. KFC is built around the "Colonel's Recipe" and yet, in Cambodia, they don't serve it. They prepare the chicken as the Philippine McDonalds do. Guess it is an Asian thing.

Last photo is "Lion House." About a decade ago some stupid British guy met a local girl from one of those mail order dating things. He was shocked by the poverty, people eating bats and shit, so he decided to open an orphanage although I don't know how "poverty" correlated to "orphans" but never the less, the clown built that garish monstrosity on Davao Agusan National Hiway, the road linking us to Davao City. Noone wanted to operate it much less pawn off their kids to it, rural Bisaya wouldn't dream of it and Hill Tribesmen dont understand the concept since tribes take care of their own.

As a result it has remained empty all these years until it was turned into a roadside snack stand this past summer. I was hoping they would do like Taiwan and have sexy girls in bikinis selling Betel Nut quids (Taiwan is nuts, who would think to open a business like that much less what type of nation could support such an endeavour hahaha). There is a second building bext to it, an empty "shoe" as in "There was an old woman who lived in a shoe." I suppose the guy thought he was helping people, which is great and all, but it isn't the help folks here need.

I am so tired, but I hate going to sleep cus I get to wake up with silly nightmares 5 or 6 times

Also, isn't it a bit weird that that a 25 year old has started keeping a diary?

Oh well, I'm off to masterbate a few more times (cant believe how many times Ive done that today just goes to show I have too much time on my hands)

then I will try and sleep

Hi I'm working on a paper for class about if drug should be legal or not and i was wondering if any one new were should i start looking?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w6UTDQgP79I&feature=related

Ahhh fucking hell. Boy George. From Cheapness and Beauty, but this is the acoustic version.

Firstly. Just watched the "You're The One For Me Fatty" video by Morrissey. Made me smile and smile.

Ahhh fucking hell I love Morrissey. I'm watching "Last Of The Famous International Playboys" and I remember being in Dundee at the Caird (?) Hall waiting to go and see Morrissey and a group of guys were singing it.

God, Dundee. That was an amazing evening. Although I did fuck up the end of it by being a stupid neurotic idiot.

When Morrissey came on stage I started crying. I feel all breathless thinking about it. He is a fucking genius. Nobody understands me as well as he does and he doesn't even know me

The second time I saw Morrissey I got so nervous that I had to go and pee about four times before the show started. Spiff and the Carlisle lot were all quite laid back drinking their pints and I was champing at the bit to get to the front. I did it though even though I owe a karmic debt to all the people I elbowed and bashed to stay there totally worth it to be about two metres away from the love of my life. I didn't want that night to end. I don't think I cried at the second one but I screamed my heart out and sang along to everything.

I still can't believe he played in Hawick. Incredible. He is so beautiful and everything he writes makes sense. I am gutted that when he did his encore I had to get out of the crowd. I was getting crushed and because I've got a back injury I can't risk getting badly knocked or my legs go numb and I end up spending a week in bed. Most people were nice enough to pull me out of the crowd but one guy tried to rugby tackle me back in. Thankfully Haley and Ains were there and managed to get me out. Then it was back to dancing

He made some quip about Andy Murray... "I like Andy Murray but let's face it, he'll never win"... funny as fuck the way he said it...

Ahhhh fuck I love Morrissey so much and I don't care what anyone thinks of that.

I actually came on to rant about how decent music magazines like Melody Maker and Select have disappeared but I've ended up writing about my favourite obsession.

Might as well end it on a good note. I'm off to listen to Bona Drag. My favourite of all his albums. Although choosing a favourite Morrissey or Smiths album is a bit like choosing which one of your children you love most!!!

Hey guys. I'm back! Heh.

I feel a hell of a lot less addicted to the Internet (and social sites in particular), but I still have a long way to go before I can get my life to where I want it. I need to work on my "real life self" a hell of a lot more.

So, *raises glass of water* here's to changes!

By the way: Those of you who I got e-mail addresses from to keep in contact with: I was going to e-mail you--My computer died in early October and all your e-mail address I had saved in a Note Pad document went with the hard drive. So, please don't hesitate to PM me your e-mail once again (as all my old PMs are gone, too) and I'll be sure to e-mail you every once in awhile.

Hi, my name is: 4nn4

Never in my life have I been: tall

The one person who can drive me nuts is: there are a few as of late.

High school was: came here when i was a sophomore. didn't have any friends throughout, as i was from a different country and very apprehensive about my accent.

When I'm nervous: that's a normal state of mind for me.

The last time I cried was: this morning. HA!

If I were to get married right now my maid of honor would be: i would not get married. but i would want Heather or Christi

My hair is: brown, starting to get gray

When I was 10: i was in school. i was not thrilled about it.

Last Christmas: honestly, i can't recall. i think i was alone. pretty sure.

I should be: taking pictures of some of my old clothes to send to this chick

When I look down I see: a very dirty carpet. and some cords

The happiest recent event was: ummmmmmm. ok, this is a tough one.

If I were a character on 'That 70's Show' I'd be: not a fan

By this time next year: i hope i'm dead. i think. pretty sure.

My current gripe is: running out of money, i'm getting older, no sex. that i like. i can get sex, just not the kind i like.

I have a hard time understanding: people who deliberately hurt others. also serial killers

There's this girl I know that: can snort milk thru her nose? what kinda stupid qn is this?

You know I like you when: when i flirt with you. after we met. if i start talking about sex.

If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be: my best friend.

Take my advice: enjoy life while you can, to the fullest. don't worry when you have nothing to worry about. just let it go and have a blast.

Something that I really want to buy is: several mac eyeshadows. clothes and shoes. i know, i'm cheap like that. actually - http://amzn.com/w/2Q9ZD59BOR6N2

If you visited the place I was born: why on earth would you do that? it's in moscow.

I plan to visit: hate traveling. maybe see my friend heather in seattle again.

If you spend the night at my house: i'd like you to get high with me and have a good time..

I'd stop my wedding if: i'm not getting married.

The world could do without: tough one. let me get back on that.

I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: how bad can that be. big fuckin deal, cockroach.

Most recent thing I've bought myself: ummmmmmmm groceries

Most recent thing someone else bought me: swiss white chocolate lip balm

My favorite blonde is: kirsten dunst

My favorite brunette is: jinx1313

My favorite redhead is: Audrey Hollander?? Just kidding!! i really do not like her

My middle name is: complicated. i'm russian

This morning I: i ate a bunch.. goddamn munchies. smoked a bowl. gave some money to the asshole

The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are: um i think i'm cool with just birds

Once, at a bar: don't visit bars much

Last night I was: passed the fuck out

There's this guy I know who: i am sick of guys. men are from mars, women are from venus. men should be corralled and used strictly for pleasuring women. the ones who are inadequate should be put out of their misery. there you have it. so crucify me.

I don't know: the meaning of life. yes i know 42, but that only leads to more questions.

A better name for me would be: anything but my real name.

Tomorrow I am: may do a photoshoot with my good girl friend. hopefully it will work out.

Tonight I am: ummmm what was i supposed to do tonight?

My birthday is: coming up

What I really wanted for Valentine's Day was: it has been so long since i've had a boyfriend or a girlfriend. honestly i would love for someone i like to like me back and do the whole cheesy nine yards. but i think that is wayyy too much to ask.

I can sing: not really

I like a guy named: John.

My best friend's name: John. Christi

It's been a tough few days.

I feel a little less awful than yesterday although I am still devastated about Paula. I guess it's started me off thinking a lot about my life and the way that I react to things. I'm starting to think that I might need to make some changes in my life in order to be happy.

I came home tonight and reached straight for my guitar. I am working on a version of "You and I" by Lady Gaga. I know it's a daft song to choose but I like it and I think my version is cute. I've also got "Someone Like You" by Adele down to a T. I've got a version of "Music When The Lights Go Out" by The Libertines but it sounds like two different cover versions and nobody ever knows the song. I belted them all out tonight and I'm sounding in pretty good voice. Which is nice. I think it's when I've been busy at work, because I talk on the phone all day, it warms up my voice?

I had a horribly late night last night. Colm and his fiancee fell out again and he was texting me into the wee small hours about it. She hit him with his mandolin. It would almost be funny if it wasn't for the fact it gave him a black eye. She's got issues and none of us can help her. She's just not willing to admit she has a problem with weed and it's affecting her relationship. I'm glad I don't smoke it much.

Don't get me wrong I do partake from time to time but it tends to make me sleepy and or horny. I end up sleeping for a day or feeling very frustrated... although in situations like the other weekend after my night on the billy with Debbie we were using it to try and sleep but we both kept freaking out and hiding under the covers. She's a good person to be around on a comedown although she was so sick it was unreal. It was good that we could be paranoid and tired together.

Garrick's been awesome lately. He's a good friend to have as well. He's just so decent. I kind of wish him and Debbie would get it together. They'd be so cute together.

Pat has been great also. He needs to find a nice girl to look out for him. I will have to see if I can think of anyone to matchmake him with. He was texting me all night last night to make sure I was ok and did a very good job of keeping me sane.

Well tomorrow I start work at 8am and finish at 12pm. YIPPEE!! I'm getting a haircut in the afternoon. I love my beehive but I can't wear my hair down in public which is starting to be a pain in the ass as I go through two cans of hairspray a month. I think I'm going to get a panel shaved out again and get a short fringe. Something cute. Why do I keep using the word cute? It's Sam's fault. She uses that word a lot.

Sam was great at work tonight. I think she finally sees why my stats are shit. I am going to try really hard to pull my socks up and make a good job at work. They have put up with so much and have been so supportive.

I got asked out on a date last night by a guy I used to know. I checked his Facebook as I'd logged in to get Tom's details so that I could find out what happened to Paula. Turns out he's engaged??? I was trying to think of an excuse not to anyway. What a dickhead. I should have facebooked his fiancee and told her. I'm not like that though. I told him not to contact me again. Who needs men anyway. They're just a stress. It would take someone pretty special to break through my barriers and I don't think I'm ready. I'm still not past my ex. STILL. I wish I could be, because he is. It's not healthy that I still have feelings. He's moved on so I should too.

I guess it proves I really did love him despite what he thinks. I wish he knew. I yearned for him these last few days especially. He'd have known how to settle me. He gave the best hugs.

Oh god. I can't bore you all with another rambling entry about him. I'm kidding myself holding onto the memory but I can't seem to let go.

I should probably get on. I've got a flat to clean and a pasta dinner to have. I got a custard slice for dessert. For some reason it makes me think of my ex. As do those pastry things with raisins in. I call them a fly graveyard. I must be mental. He would be mortified that cakes make me think of him...

I really, really hope tomorrow is an ok day. I can't take much more stress.

I would really just love one lovely day where something nice happens.

I went to the supermarket bought them out of peanut butter snickers and have already eatin 3 full bags. Something tells me that's why I'm still up and haven't been able to sleep and my tummy feels full. OMG, I do NOT recommend anyone try this at home. I am what you call and expert. ewwwwwwwppppphhhhhhh not feeling so hot lol

i just finished reading Jitterbug Perfume by Tom Robbins. it was an awesome book. i think my heart would be too heavy for me to roam around at will in the afterlife. but do i really care? it is what it is. i used to have a good heart. i don't anymore. anyone who has not been tempted, cannot say they are a good person.

i am extremely sexually frustrated. i almost got it on with my best friend yesterday which would have rocked but he wanted anal, and the prep work takes too much out of me. by the time i'm done, i really just want to lie down and rest. certainly not have anything up there. not for a while at least. i have to say the showershot helps. but god damn that was bad last night. fuck it all to hell. i think god or whoever, is trying to tell me something. i should go join a convent.

there are very few things in life i like right now. sex was a major one of them. i am sick to death of trying to find a replacement for him. just fuck it all to hell. so i die, so i go to hell. i don't think you think much at that point anyways. if at all. i need to shut my brain off somehow.