Blogs

I've come to the conclusion that drinking alcohol is a totally pointless and self-destructive experience.

Although I have used alcohol as a catalyst for my social growth, I've come to the realization that it is not worth the trouble. Here is what I've gotten out of my alcohol consumption:
-decreased bank account
-decreased brain functioning (short-term and long)
-hangovers, vomiting, embarrassing attempts at dancing
-increased weight
-liver damage
-decreased health in general

Sure, alcohol has fueled a number of sexual encounters. However, the consumption ultimately led to the dysfunction...

I'm looking to leave alcohol behind until I achieve my goals, which are yet to be written in stone. Nonetheless, abstinence will only lead to good things.

Also, I have decided to begin the "lemon cleanse" fast tomorrow, perhaps lasting for 2+ weeks. I need to detox my liver, my brain, my body. I have been sick constantly since October, and it is undoubtedly a result of excess alcohol consumption. I also am looking to regain my physical conditioning. A year ago I was able to run four miles at a seven minute pace. Now, (albeit in the winter with a cold), I struggle to pound out a mile at under a 7:50 pace.

Beyond the physical cleanse, I am looking to renew my spiritual side. I have recently restarted my meditation practice, and I'm considering the prospect of exiting my social bubble, and joining the local Buddhist group. The daily meditation would be a welcome respite from my daily ills.

A gigantic decision lies on the horizon: grad school, leaving the country permanently, or traveling blindly to Asia in order to find a simpler path. All this will be decided before May...

More to come as my fast begins...

-Take a shower
-Do a pedicure
-Read BL
-Read some actual news
-Watch TV
-Clean
-do laundry
-organize useless shit (mp3 files, rainbow order my sharpie marker set, etc)
-change sheets on the bed and make it up
-burn CD's
-Make playlists
-Draw
-Write
-text people
-call people
-make plans
-perfect my dope kit
-clean out old sets with bleach n alcohol
-find hidden stashes of old empty bags and put all in one place so they stop appearing on my floor
-clean off mirror top table so making up shots is more fun to watch
-Throw out garbage laying around
-go on encyclopedia dramatica and read endlessly mindless stupid shit
-Do eyebrows
-Braid my hair
-Do deep cleaning facial with steam
-make mini toiletry bag for runnin out the door at a minutes notice
-delete old text messages
-sort thru my voicemail
-watch a movie on youtube
-set up speakers and listen to music
-get drunk (time warp speed)
-take dirty dishes to the sink
-clean incent ashes off the incent burner
-fold laundry
-do something that i been procrastinating doing
-get important info together (birth certificate, SS card, medical records, prescriptions, etc)
-do my makeup
-get a list of NA meetings to tell the judge wat ones i will b attending
-look up guitar tabs
-sing somethin
-make a list
-Walk to the bodega
-Drink coffee
-Call one of my girls
-Walk down the block and watch a movie with my girl
-go on line to look up sites that give you free samples of shit and sign up for all of them
-research a random thing I am curious about
-Design tattoos
-Dream about gettin high.....

Today I can do this shit. I am makin this list here not becuz it could possibly be interestin to anybody around me, but just to remind my self that there is plenty of shit to do other than shoot up and smoke weed. I am in awake mode not zombie want to be sleeping but cant mode. I am startin to love the day time becuz at least thats a time that it feels OK to be awake, that im allowed to be awake, instead of the torture of knowin everyone else is all sleepy cozy toasty warm in their bed visions of needles dance in their head. wait thats my head. But anyways. Just check down the list girl. find somethin to entertain you. It aint supposed to be easy. if it was easy it wouldnt be a fuckin addiction, it would be called a funndiction or somethin. lol. Be good. not much longer to hold out. good things come to those who wait and god helps those who help themselfes.

For me there has just been too much pain and tears here. I know the lounge isn't safe but I had found comfort in The Dark Side.

But lately I feel like I'm been targeted and fed to the wolfs. Maybe I'll pop in to check a combo. or something. But it hurting me more than its helping me and at the state I've in. (Unemployed but can't get unemployment, without a S.O. and the one I was working on ran for the hills, being depressed, my uncle dying, my grandma having cancer, living with my parents and being as compulsively suicidal I am, Yes I know someone always has it worse.)But honestly that does make me feel any better NOW. It don't take the pain away)
It just isn't good for me.

I hope the meds start working and I can find a good therapist and live a full new year.And things start to work.Either that or I give up or lay on bed until the money runs out...

I have no idea I THOUGHT TDS was safe, I was wrong wrong wrong...



If you want to do ONE kind thing out of thr goodness of you're heart. Don't turn around and bash me here. Say nothing if you can't be supportive.( that should be the code for the DS, tough love doesn't work on everyone, me...makes me feel worse and worse.)

longest sober stretch ever.

Yeah only done via distance to source.

But I dont have cravings really. Just regret and sadness, and a touch of confusion.

Nathan and I were kids when we got married. He is still on it and doing what he used to. I think I know what he went through when we broke up now, guilt and shame and grief. Also anger.

I sometimes wonder what would have been if we had have grown up
And had kids, lived normally. It would not have happened though.

I regret wasting years on drugs. I find it hard to fathom why I thought to go down that road at all. I think it was because I was lonely in a new city and met drug people first. It was normal to do drugs all the time.

Now, I cant relate to that. I think it has gone.

Wow..the other night I got fucked up..I wanted to get high like never before. I have been on the methadone prograerm for awhile..and just needed to get opiated out. I missed it oh so much. So to start off I drank some White grape fruit juice. About 1L(1000mls) to help potentiate the high. I also took 100mgs of diphenhydramine with 20mgs of cyclobenzaprine, 60mgs of Temazepam and 150-300mgs of methocarbamol. Then about 30mins later...already fucked up on the potentiators by now..I took 180mgs of methadone. I dunno what I was thinking..the whole point I took all the potentiators was to try and get a decent high off 2 of my carries.(60mgs each) But I drank 3 of them.(180mgs)
Boy O boy that was stupid of me to take so many other drugs with it. A nice high would of been just the temazepam and methadone...maybe some diphenhydramine. But everything all together totally fucked my to the extreme. Like it was fun and all. But I was a little too high to enjoy it. At first the euphoria was second to best...then after a while I was noddin out to much to enjoy it. Prolly the most high off methadone I ever have been...kinda though..I guess you cant totally just call it a methadone high since I took so many other drugs to potentiate it that they had a high of their own. ohh yeah and I have like zero tolerance for benzo's and the like..so that 60mgs of temazepam alone would of got me a decent high. ( 2x30mg caps). Would I do it again? For shur!!!!

Oh yeah and I didnt have to pee test since I was not at my hometown methadone clinic. The one they wanted me to pee test at had someone working there that was in my family. So I didnt want them to know. I know that everything is confidential and that she would not be aloud to tell anyone else in my family..but realisticly of course she will, she is a huge gossip. And its not like ill rat her out and get my family member fired..yeah know? So there was no possible way for me to get busted and lose carries..So i had some nice fun.

my temp license is made out of paper. it looks like a business card that i printed myself. which is fine and dandy in seattle cause people are used to it. but not so much in OH.

anyhow, a bunch of us were at the store buying liquor and beer. i gave the cashier my ID and she had to call the manager and it was this big to do. she looked it up in the book and refused to believe it was a temp ID and thought it was fake. so, she wouldn't sell me the liquor but james ended up getting it.

next came my friend with a CA license, the manager looked it up in the book and spent a good 5 minutes staring at it. after that came two people with NC licenses. while she was looking up their licenses in the book, she went on this long tirade about how people need to get OH licenses and how she is not amused by our elaborate scam to buy alcohol.

literally 25 minutes later, we left we our beer and liquor.

i understand checking licenses and such. places can get in trouble for selling to underaged people. but this woman was damned determined that all 5 of us were trying to scam her.

so see vgoraz, people don't like paper licenses

I posted some information on the DS on BPD becuase I think a lot of ppl don't understand why I act or react the way I do and I really can't yet control it.

But it hadn't gone well. It has become about self-diagnosis. I'm not, Medication and the Advice to

Kill yourself or lean to cope. You know thats the mind of the borderline. It plays the painful things over and over and over again.

You're on drugs. (When I'm clean and refuse to take it back, wont' test, just holds it over my head)
You're so stupid you can't kill yourself right.
I always knew you were a bitch and a whore and a slut...
I am ashamed of the way you live your life.
You do everything for attention. You're just an attention whore.

I guess thats why the step-families emotional abuse hurt so much. Because NO MATTER WHAT I DID, it was wrong. I ate, I was fat. I didn't I had an E.D. I slept in, I was lazy. I didn't, I was sucking up on and on and on and my dad never made it stop.
"Kids will be kids." Not when there is ONE TARGET, deeply depressed and suicidal at 13. Now I don't see them or my dad very often...


I remember... I remember it all. So if you give a damn. THINK! Before you "speak" becuase it can't be taken back and lord knows the damage that can be done.

Well of course it didn't go well. I haven't had ONE good holiday in TWO years.
My brother is always running late and we are always waiting on him. for once he couldn't wait on me. I had lost track of time and had to put make up on. (I have a status quo) to uphold in that family.
So he just up and left without me. Literally 5 minutes, I was there at my dad's after him. It just put a bad light on it all to start.

My step-brother's pregnant gf got engaged for Christmas and my step-sister was there with her bf and his 2 kids.
And there I am alone. No one to protect me....I'm pretty sure there some inside jokes that went over my head.

I'm afraid that BPD is going to keep me alone forever unless I happen to find someone that understands it. I can't believe I messed it up with S. I still cry, not that it matters.


Went and saw my grandma, you know what she doesn't look so bad for having cancer. But she would never admit to feeling sick or anything. But I'm still afraid we are going to lose her.

Lets just say it too 5 cig, 4 k-pins, alcohol and 3 somas to get through that. And talking to friends so I didn't just go off and kill myself.

Well at least with my plan it takes time and thought,maybe enough for me to talk myself out of it ya know.

From Buckcherry's 15- Everything
A song I can kinda identify with

"If I had everything would I Still wanna be alive?
Or wanna be high
If I had everything would I Still wanna be alive?
Or wanna be high."

I don't usually get mad at Seth like this but help me God. It seems like a really trivial fight, which it is, but when I put so much effort into keeping our house clean completely on my own.. it broils my blood for him to pick on me about little things.

I need a breather.

He doesn't deserve to bitch at me when I do so much work for this household. Ugh.

::breath:: :breath::

I'll have a cigarette and just go to sleep I guess.

Since this is YET ANOTHER CONTINUATION, it is still Friday, December 26th, 2008 and it is now 8:51 PM here in the Philippines.

Well...Blood and Gore it is then (even though I am probably the ONLY BLer to give a damn one way or the other about dangers on Mindanao hahaha...).

The NPA has kept its word and despite goading by the Army has not launched hide nor hair of a single operation anywhere in the country since 12/23.

The Unilateral NPA Cease Fire is only for 12/24, 12/25, and today 12/26 which is the anniversarry of the CPP (Communist Party of the Philippines, the political arm pf the NPA, or rather NDF which is National Democratic Front of which both the CPP and NPA are both separate arms. Got it so far?).

They will have a Unilateral Cease Fire again on 12/31 and 1/01 in honour of New Years. Perhaps that one will not see politicos and army officers in MANILA thumbing their nose at the NPA.

The Army also unilateraly declared their own Cease Fire but only for 12/24 and 12/25 and again for 1/01. Today though, and 12/31 there is none.

When asked by certain media sources about the NPA's Cease Fire certain people whom I will leave nameless so as to avoid Name Sniffers (Soft Ware that latches onto names mentioned online and then pulls the entry for scrutiny) belittled the NPA, made fun of their Cease Fire offer, called them nothing but propagandists and thugs who violate human rights, civil rights, and and a couple of other similar things. Funny though, the media did not ask about the Army's record on these things but then that is only being intelligent, right?

So, it ends in 3 hours and back to the game of Chess , Mindaowan (sic) style.


Before the Cease Fire went into effect though, on 12/23 (Tuesday), at around 9 AM in Barangay Binoongan in Arakan village in N. Cotabato Province The NPA attacked a banana plantation and kidnapped 4 workers to use as human shields and let them go after escaping the village, while simaltaenously on the predicted escape route in Barangay Mantangkil the NPA launched an ambush on the 57th Infatry who rushed to the plantation in an attempt to engage the guerillas. 1 Army officer and 1 soldier were badly wounded but no other casualties.

On the same day in Bukidnon Province the 29th infantry engaged the NPA and killed 2 guerillas in a fire fight.



Sadly, things were not quiet for the people in Muslim areas.

There was no ceasefire between the Army OR the Muslim guerilla armies and frightenly it seems as Abu Sayyaf is back with some stregnth. It seems that the organisation has factionalised and now has 4 factions, 3 of whom still hold Islamic objectives while the 4th, still expressing those ideals is all about the Peso (local currency).

In a join operation between 2 Sayyaf factions on Jolo together with JI (as in the Indonesian organisation that is active in Thailand, Malaysia, Singapore, Brunei, and also Philippines and did the Bali Bombings) blew up a govt. elementary school and then engaged the army, in Barangay Taglibi in Patikul village.

No word on casualties but these are the same 2 Sayyaf factions holding a Chinese businessman (Chinese national, not Filipino-Chinese or "Chinoy" as they are called) Xili Wu hostage. Later they engaged the Marine's 5th Brigade in a firefight in Barangay Danag in that same village.

On Basilan Island the 4th faction, the ones not really aiming for Islamic Revolution, are holding 11 people including a 9 year old local girl hostage. Sayyaf is prone to decapitate those who anger them or whose ransoms are not paid forthright.

Abu Sayyaf also took part in the daring prison breakout on Basilan at 9 AM on Tuesday (12/23) during which 2 of their guerillas and 5 others broke out of Tipo Tipo village's Provincial Prison. 4 of the men were immediately caught(although "immediate" is a relative term in the Philippines and can mean anytime that day) with the 2 Abu Sayyaf of course making their way to freedom along with one other (who must have joined AS).

The 2 AS men were part of the force that decapitated 9 Marines on Basilan in 2007. They were also of the faction that kidnapped Italian priest Father Bossi who has sincemade his way to freedom.

Also that day, again on Basilan, Jollibee (the local equivalent of McDonalds) was hosting an outdoor concert for the Xmas Season and AS detonated a bomb that badly hurt 22 although no word on deaths, in the Basilan capital of Isabela.

AS was discovered to have left an IED aboard a bus heading from Pagadian to Zamboanga on Mindanao, made from two 60 MM mortar shells left inside a canvas gym bag.

On 12/24 an 18 year old male nursing student from Zamboanga was released in Tipo Tipo village in Basilan, by AS to the Basilan Governor, after the Gov. ferried a 2 Million Pesos ransom (about 40,000 US which is 2 lifetimes literally for most Filipinos) from the boy's family to the Abu Sayyaf faction holding him. He had been kidnapped in Zamboanaga here on Mindanao this past October.


JI is becoming more of a factor clearly, with one of their main bombmakers having been caught in Cotabato last week.

Speaking of Cotabato again, at the Cotabato City bus terminal in Barangay Tamontaka, 2 men on a motorcycle threw at least 2 MK2 Frag Grenades into the station and blew up 6 buses belonging to Husky Lines. Authorities are trying to play it off as a "disgruntled security guard who was fired" which COULD be true but that is pretty laughable to most locals.

All the more so when what the govt is calling an "unrelated attack" took place at the hands of...you guessed it...2 men on a motorcycle throwing grenades at a roadside cafe in Tacurong City also in Cotabato Province, wounding 2 men. Go figure. Maybe another "SECURITY GUARD?"

Meanwhile, the MILF is very busy this holiday season with an operation on 12/23 against the Army in Salvador village, a Bisaya village in Lanao del Norte Province here. No word on the toll there.

On 12/24 11 civilians died in fierce firefights between Ilaga (Bisaya Paramilitary) and MILF in Lanao del Norte, in a different part from Salvador village. The 11 could or could not mean guerillas/paramilitary soldiers.

Also on 12/24 the MILF attacked a police station and Army positions (FOB) in 3 Provinces here: N. Cotabato, Sultan Kudarat, and Shariff Kubunsuan.

In Pickawayan village in N. Cotabato 3 civilians have been kidnapped from a Bisaya Barangay which means although it is being blamed on MILF that the Abu Sayyaf have expanded their campaign. closer to us, since only AS and JI kidnap.

In Aleosan village AS used RPGs in N. Cotabato against Ilaga, and 1 AS guerilla was killed in the firefight.

Definitely have to track their movements north.

On Xmas, yesterday, an MILF IED was discovered and unarmed prior to detonation on a busy bridge in Dat Unsay village in Maguindano Province here.

Also on XMAS...In Quirino village, in Sultan Kudarat Province here, a Bisaya family had a festive Xmas Eve when 2 men on a motocycle fragged them with yet another two MK2 Grenades. Maybe it was..."SECURITY GUARDS?"

Also on Xmas, as all others will be until otherwise stated...Ilaga paramilitary and the 40th Infantry engaged the MILF in Barangay Dunguan in Aleosan village yet again, in N. Cotabato. they have been fighting for 4 days there, and again today so that makes 5 straight bloody days.

Also in Aleosan village, in Barangay Baliki the CAFGU paramilitary and Army engaged the MILF with 1 MILF dead and 7 soldiers. No word on CAFGU dead.



Also in N. Cotabato, in Alamada village, the 40th Infantry fought the MILF and large bore mortars and artillery were used. 6 soldiers were killed, as well as 3 civilians, no word on MILF dead.

In Barangays Lapok and Tapikan in Shariff Aguak village in Maguindanao here, the govt used 105 MM Howitzers while the MILF used mortars , large and small bore, in a prolonged engagement but no word on how many dead yet.

At Salbu Crossing in Datu Saudi village, on the border of Ampatuan village in Maguindanao the MILF employed mortars against Infantry although , while probably the 40th Brigade, I do not know for sure since there are now 4 brigades up there.

Also Xmas, in Barangay Sumbakil, Polomolok village in S. Cotabato Province, the MILF engaged a force of police (at times the police employ mobile units to battle guerillas as well). No word on casualties yet.

Also in Polomolok village but in Barangay Sangay, the MILF engaged the Army in a half hour firefight but no casulaties.

Also on Xmas, on the borders of Columbio and Datu Paglas villages on the borders of the provinces of Sultan Kudarat abd Maguindanao a heavy engagment took place late last night.

Then, in last night's last engagement before midnite, trying to get a last shot in of course, the MILF and Army duked it out in Barangay Napnapan in Pantukan village in Davao del Norte Province. 3 soldiers and 1 MILF killed. Now, the disturbing thing about that last one is that for the first time in more than a year the MILF is fighting north of Davao City which means, we have to watch them carefully now as well.

Today, in Ninoy Aquino village in Sultan Kudarat Province, the entire village was ethnically cleansed by the MILF, who also killed a newborn and 6 adults. the village is Lumad, Manobo which is a large appellation that covers related tribes (for example the tribe closest to me is the Agusan Manobo). That one bothers me most of all. What was their reason? Because the Manobo are animist? Fucking assholes.



Finally, while almost all citizens will not hear of these battles, do you know what was all over the news yesterday and today? A "carabao "(water buffalo) was born Xmas Day with only 2 legs. The farmer says that it is "lucky." What the fuck is luck about an animal being born with half its limbs?

As this is yet ANOTHER continuation, it is still Friday, December 26th, 2008 and it is now 8:08 PM here in the Philippines.

Feuds are a medium factor in the violence that plagues the southern Philippines, with Mindanao of course being the most violent prone of the southern islands.

One would imagine other places to hold that distinction, like Jolo Island, or the Sulu Archipelago, but even if you remove Basilan Island from consideration (governmentally attached to Mindanao) we are still by far the most violent island in a very violent area of an extremely violent nation.

There are places where crime is a factor, but no insurrection like Cebu, and places where there are relatively safe areas like on Luzon Island, which holds the capital of Manila (Shoutouts to Dtergent and Crystal hahaha).

Mindanao has all , crime, insurrection, family feuds and even natural disasters for good seasoning. Right now we are on Mudslide Watch on the island. Eastern Mindanao has been depleted of most jungle and this causes the soil to erode very quickly and then travesties like what took place on Leyte Island are allowed to happen.

Leyte was much more depleted of jungle and in a government elementary school more than 1,000 people were killed when a mudlside covered the building under more than 100 meters of wet mud. Horrible thoughts when I consider that. That must have been hell.

What really gets my blood boiling though is that I hold America more than partly responsible. It is America that fuels the depletion, it is American owned companies or registered companies that deplete this poor nation of what little wealth it has. Such a beautiful place and such rotten lives for most because of the rape of these islands.


Anyway, I better ease off that train of thought or I will be pegged as "subversive" and that can mean as much as death here. As I posted in Gallery, our main market in Poblacion has a large sign deploring "Extra Judicial Execution," yet another fun thing to consider about Mindanao.

Interestingly, I was reading data on Xmas Eve about that issue (Extra Judicial Execution which in this country means Vigilante and/or Paramilitary Killing of Criminals and Political Opponents). Mindanao, amazingly, for the last 2 years, is said to have just one case!!! I actually laughed for a good minute over that one. 1 case? We have had 2 just in San Franz!!! Davao City is famous for them, it is how the mayor ALLEGEDLY came to power.

Anyway, there goes my mouth again.

Getting back to Natural Disasters. Aside from Typhoons, Torrential Rains in Monsoon Season, there are ALOT of earthquakes and usually well over 5 on the Richter Scale, and even volcanic activity to think about. The one thing Mindanao does NOT have is Typhoons. We are out of the Typhoon Belt. We do have all the rest though!

Onto better things...I am considering getting a pet Taysier (Tarsier). The Philippine Taysier is not endangered, although I fear unquantified subspecies are, like the Taysiers here on Mindanao. Scientists have never fully explored this island and indeed roads are very sparse here. Until 8 years ago National Hiway was nothing but a dirt track that was impassable in Monsoon Season.

As more and more of this island is settled things die off. Monkeys were common here just a few years ago but are now hunted out. Plenty of habitat left in 2nd and 3rd Growth Jungle/Forest but too many poor people need protein.

Taysiers are called the "Smallest Monkeys" but in reality they are not monkeys at all. They are on an evolutionary ladder in between monkeys/high primates and lemurs/lower primates in a class of their own.

They have the biggest eyes of any mammal so they look so cute, and are tiny. A full grown male will only be 5 inches, plus a 5 inch tail. I hate their tails which are bald like rat tails except for a tuft at the end.

They are nocturnal and the can jump 3 meters. They also need live insects in their diet and that is the one thing that is pushing me not to get one. Catching live insects will not be easy, depending which ones they eat. Over the course of a 12 to 15 year olifespan a Taysier can eat ALOT.

We are in land cleared from jungle so there are LOTS of bugs, just perhaps not the ones I need for a Taysier. They can eat mealworms but they MIGHT be available in large cities, but never out here!

As long as I respect their nocturnal pattern (I am nocturnal myself at times!), and can catch live insects, I am OK. As I said they are not rare, but they are protected by the govt (a govt that does not even really exist on Mindanao). All things to consider.

Went hunting with Uncle Leo today, I used Dad's 12 gauge which I hate, but it is not really sporting to shoot game with an M16 or Galil, you know?

Galils are Israeli made, and was my first rifle in the army. They are modeled after the AK and in fact use AK receivers ("Receiver" is a piece forward of the "Stock" which is the piece you put your shoulder against).

Great guns, I love them. M16s are OK but in hot weather, and especially in Mid-East desert they jam regularly and one thing you do now want is your piece jamming in a fire fight. We after all never carried pistols (only our Special Forces do). If your M16 jams it is all over. I have an A1 here, and they are OK, after all ALOT better than the old used American pieces they throw at Philippine armed forces. Their M16s are in terrible shape.


Did not kill anything myself, because we only spooked some boar and I do not eat pork anymore, so why kill it? I could have given the meat away but I have a problem with killing an animal if I do not need the protein. Leo bagged one, and is doing alot better since I repaired his Scope. Business is tough on all of us and it is good to unwind.

Rained hard all day, which sucked but I LOVE the rain - just not traipsing through jungle in it. I hate blue skies and sun. Mom, Dad, and Rizza can never understand. "WHY?" Well you try marching 86 kilometers in the sun and see which you prefer in the end.

Rizza whined that we are not having enough time together and in agreement, I stayed put with her the rest of the evening and now she is asleep like everyone else. Sleeping off hangovers (Not Rizza though because I will not allow her to drink after the debacle last spring which I may or naynot talk about in an entry), etc.

Speaking of which. I do not drink, have not since I was about 17 and got very sick from rum and valium (not a great combo kids). Almost an entire pint of rum and 50 mgs of Valium...

I am still keeping my morphine intake low, 400 mgs in 200 mg dosages twice a day 12 hours apart, still morphine IR. Will be buying a ton of the "Jurnista" when it gets to Mindanao. Jurnista is a name brand hydromorphone extended release. I will experiment with the extended release to try and convert it to instant, but with
64 mgs. of hydromorphone (Dilaudid) I am set. I cannot wait!

Pricing might be VERY prohibitive so it might not be my daily med but I will still buy a ton of it. The domestically produced morphine (IRs) are about 45 US per box of 3000 mgs, in 30 mg tabs. The hydromorphone could be extremely expensive as an import.

It is why I do not perfer oxycontin which has been available here for a couple of years in IR form.

The country finally is stocking codeine as well! Not in horrible APAP or caffeine combo form but in good old 30 mg codeine phosphate tabs. ALso getting, amazingly, buprenorphine transdermal patches! I honestly thought that I would never see the day.

I think there are some intellignet folks working in govt after all. They even shelved the death penalty for drugs this year! From 2002 until this past summer you could be executed for 10 grams of poppy seeds! One poor peasant got the death penalty for 4 plants found growing on some jungle he owned, even though they were probably remnants of this country's legal hemp trade from eyars ago!

Things are looking up!

Next entry will be the Blood and Guts Update...

i am probably just incredibly stupid and naive.

Yep.

Still Friday, December 26th, 2008 and it is now 7:15 PM here in the Philippines.

A continuation...

We are in a feud with Mom's eldest brother Alan. Alan is actually a bad word in some dialects here and I cannot help but think that what an apt name for that asshole.

He is in his 60s now, but seems to only get worse with each passing year. He was always jealous of Mom, because she was the youngest child of their father's first wife. Ergo, she was babied as happens in many cases.

When Mom and Dad first got married, it was tough. Mom came from landed gentry in local terms but Dad was the son of a sharecropper who farmed all of 2 hectares of bad rice land on Cebu Island, in the village of Compostela.

Mom started university here on Mindanao but a Muslim guerilla army invaded her campus and right outside her dorm there was an RPG firefight. As a result her father transferred her to San Carlos University, Rizza's first alma mater.

In San Carlos she met Dad, as both were majoring in Engineering. Dad was also in a training programme for army officers. Remember, this was during the Marcos Dictatorship and things were even more ass backwards in this country than they are now. Martial Law was a way of life for 2 generations.

One day, after class, Dad was walking with some friends in Cebu City and had his army uniform on but had his hat on at the wrong angle. A very high ranking officer saw him, called him over to his motorcade, and had him beaten . Some jagoffs in the military like to use their power in inappropriate ways.

I have seen it all my life and I hate people like that. Dad was beten in front of all kinds of people and after he recovered he dropped out of the programme, probablly getting a dossier out of the deal.

They both graduated, one year apart. While Dad was waiting for Mom to finish university he joined some cousins of his to illegaly log on Cebu. Then, as today, all kinds of hardscabble men illegaly cut down tropical hardwoods in the jungles. He caught malaria, but it was only a medium strain. Some strains here are so bad that you can die within 2 months from them. Others are chronic strains, and so on. Dad did not catch a chronic strain thank G-D and only had one episode of sickness.

When Mom graduated she and Dad married, and they moved back to Mom's village, where I now live...San Francisco AKA "San Franz."

In the village, in Poblacion (which is equivalent to the Western phrase "Downtown") Mom's father allowed them to live atop one of his retail stores and gave Dad a job managing it. We still have the store although now Uncle Leo is running it, called "Summer Rain." Sells farm stuff, feed, etc. Also some groceries so more like a General Store, but not what is called "Sari Sari" here which is more like a "5 and Dime" in the West.

Well Uncle Alan, "Uncle Asshole" had started rice farming on a plot of Grandfather's (the old man had over 28,000 hectares of land, which is roughly, without doing the calculations, about 47,000 acres) good farm land and maybe twice that in jungle. Alan though always ran into problems.

Grandfather was always trying to get all the siblings to help in any way possible to teach tem to cooperate so that when he passed away the holdings would not disintegrate in umpteenth lawsuits and feuds. On the 3rd call for assitance to Mom, Mom made a smart deal with Grandfather. She told him, "Well things are tough (she was pregnant with Rizza), I am having a baby, and my husband is struggling, I have given openly the first 2 times. I will be glad to help again but I would like to ask for my ingeritance now so that I can show you I am capable and also so I may help my own family to have a better life."


This was how Mom and Dad got their first mill. Grandfather gave them a decent plot, 100 hectares of good rice land, and a 5 hectare plot with footage on the main road in the village outskirts, to erect their own mill (Grandfather was the only mill owner in the entire region at that point).


So Mom helped Alan a few more times. Rizza was born, than Ariel (who I named by the way), Nigel, and then Alan began asking more and more and more. Grandfather passed away from cancer. Then Alan REALLY became demanding. He used to walk into Mom's mill and just take the motorcycle that Dad used for transportation back then! Not even ask, just take it. One day he asked for more finacial help and Mom told him no, "The gravy train is over Alan."

Alan was livid. Since then , there has been a feud but it has ebbed and flowed. Unwittingly I became an issue in it as well. I invested heavily in the business over the first few years of more and more involvement with Rizza (we became a couple about 10 years ago, but I was there since she was a baby), and so it drove Alan ballistic!

"Oh you think you are so hot with a white son now!" He actually used to say it. Then, and I had no idea because I was only coming 3 or 4 times per year in the early years, he would even fire guns in the direction of the mill!

What made it worse was after Grandfather died. Alan inherited one of their father's mills, and it sat directly in back of our main mill! To access Alan's mill, people had to drive down a dirt road that cuts our compound into 2 separate compounds. Since then I have rectified that safety flaw so that if assaulted we will never be divided into 2 points.

Well, just as Grandfather feared, it devolved into a stinking mess of feuds and lawsuits which Mom and Dad are still dealing with. I can talk about it now, although I could not in my Journal in the past because I was in a different mindset. My inclination was to erase the problem. I will not get into it more than that, but after the heat over one killing on our property I decided it was not in our best interests legally.

The death? Well those who can recall my Jorunal might remember a labourer named "Samson," because of his greasy very long hair. He was a Bisaya man who had raped and killed a 11 year old girl in another village, and went to prison . It is amazing. Marcos used to execute, by machine gun on TV, drug dealers (like Lim Seng, etc). However, a child rapist/murderer like Samson only served 11 years!!!

For whatever reason, Uncle Leo and them (the part of our faction who live in Poblacion) took a liking to this piece of shit. Leo and I had many talks about it but it was his decison for whatever reason and I never would impose by impressing my feelings over his decisons. If he felt comfrotable having that shithead around, more power to him.

Whenever I would go into Poblacion , with Rizza, or whomever I naturally have to make the rounds if people are sitting outside and see us. "Face" is a big thing in SE Asia. Although not as bad as with Chinese, Filipinos also observe the customs associated. For example, it is very rare that a Filipino (at least a Bisaya) will tell you "no" when you ask for something. If anything, they will nod their head yes but not say anything either way. Most often they will say "Sure" but secretly dread the idea.

You never want to admire a possession too much, etc., etc.If people recognise you you must take time to talk, etc. or you have committed a very bad faux paux. So..we would stop at Summer Rain, and they would be drinking beer in the evening. Samson always was a nasty drunk. He obvioulsy never realised that I spoke Bisaya , and he would talk shit about me. I would answer him in his own language, telling him"That is ok, but if you enter my space I will close your eyes." He was smarter than he looked, and never made a threatening gesture.

Well, I am in Cambodia, from 12/31/2007 to 3/14/2008. Leo and Samson have a falling out. Samson goes to work for Alan, in other words changes factions and that is considered a very poor choice in this world. Samson begins working at Alan's mill that sits behind our main mill. Samson disappears after smoking Shabu one night ("Shabu" is the drug known as "Ice" in the West, smokable crystals of methamphetamine hcl. and is the main rug of hoice for users/abusers in this country, as well as Japan and S. Korea).

In the middle of Feburary after a non-seasonal rain storm they find a stiff rotting arm sticking out of the mud behind our main mill. it was next to our "palai" pile ("Palai" means "rice" but we use it to describe the rice husk, which is removed in milling and our mills usually pipe them out 20 meters from the building and then deposit them in huge piles, 30 meters or more high).

Well, when the labourers told Dad he was smart (perhaps) and called the authorities (I wish he had not actually. I wish he would have dumped the motherfucker up in the mountains, in the bush, and that way I could have had my way).


They exhumed/uncovered the body and it was old Samson, still with that greasy hair on his rotting skull. Noone has been charged for the body, and I will not say what I believe, but either way it was a huge stumbling block to my desires and so now I discuss those desires, kind of sort of because they will not be realised.

As it is, we have beaten Alan in every court case thus far but he still irks me. He knows better than to go to his mill, but sometimes I have to see his ass when I am in Poblacion. That is one good thing about the communist guerillas being so close now, now I have curtailed my trips into town and perhaps avoided a gunfight in OK Corral style.

So that is our feud. On Alan's side are 1 sister and 2 brothers, including Uncle Lilo who was once mayor of the village. On our side is everyone else and that includes well over 100 people including 18 siblings (Grandfather had a second wife).



I will wrap up with the breakdown of violence since my last entry, in a subsequent entry...

Today is Friday, December 26th, 2008 and it is now 6:24 PM here in the Philippines.

I meant to follow up immediately, on my last entry, but got sidetracked with all the guests and commotion.

I got into alot of music and a book yesterday so I will omit my music and book for this entry (sigh of relief heard from the readers).

The family is Catholic, but none even in the extended family are very religious at all. I do not know of one relative who goes to mass, ever. ALL the kids though, from the entire Beldad and Sigayle family (Beldad is the extended family, and Dad is a Sigayle) attend a school run by the Catholic Church , "Mt. Carmel College."

This is to be expected. Education is held in very high regard in this country, in almost all parts although sadly not for most Muslims. Interestingly, I have found this far and wide in the Muslim World. As long as a child is taught enough Qur'an they are considered "educated." In Israel we send our kids to school, 8 to 12 hours a day from age 3. Arabs though, especially Muslims, do not do so until state mandated (age 5 to 6 depending on the birthdate). The result is a gap in earning power which translates into a greater social divide and you can guess the rest.

It sounds terrible to say it but it is an actual fact.

Here, it also leads to a gap with Muslims and Lumad (Tribals on the low end of the totem pole) and Catholic and Christians on the high end. In addition, the Spanish naturally gravitated towards Catholics and Christians in administering the country and so on. The Yanks did the same and now today this is probably the greatest reason why there is so much sectarian strife here. We make Indonesia look like a liberal nation.

So, all the kids go to Mt. Carmel, as it would be a terrible thing "face" wise to go to the state schools - but we do not even have Christianity in our lives (Thank G-D) except at funerals, which I cannot attened (Jewish Law forbids me attended a service of another religion). How is X-mas celebrated then? After all, it is never lower than the low 70s Farenheit here.

Well, most villages have a square, etc. We have a circle, a traffic circle on National Hiway, where our road Mangga meets National Hiway ,actually, about 2 km west of us. It is called the "Rotunda," but is just a fenced grassy traffic circle with some tall trees standing in the middle.

This time of year the trees are strung with coloured lights just as one would see in the US, etc. At any time of the year the Rotunda is the focal point for the young people of the village. Dating is non-existent here. Cities I am sure are different, Manila, Cebu, but not here in the far Provinces.

Marriages have not been arranged for a couple of generations, in most cases, but casual dating is non-existent. This is why when young Filipinas go on line and meet guys they all of a sudden start talking marriage (as I have learned from the 2 expat sites I had been spending time at). All the whitemen say, "Get a girl from the Provinces," specifically because they are so very innocent.

No offence , but those men disgust me. They cannot get a girl in their own country because of caveman like mentalities so they travel 16,000 miles to meet one. I was reading them on those sites verbally denigrating Western women (hey, I happen to agree but not for the same reasons), because in their worldview women should only speak when spoken to, etc.

Filipinas, at least Province girls (i.e. "Countrygirls") are insulted, almost always, if you do not allow them to pamper you. The same is true of Jewish girls. Men and women have sharply defined roles. However, this generalisation does not always hold water. It is most often true, but not all the time and those in large cities probably are more liberal than those expats and Westerners like to imagine.

In any regard, you can see teens and young adults talking, very innocently in the Rotunda anytime of the day, as long as it the sun has not gone down. Most people out here sleep very early, by 9 it is rare except on festival nights, etc., to see anyone up and about. We all wake up before sunlight, and I love it, just like the army hahaha.

Anyway, X-mas Eve I was pulled in to to do the job noone wants to do, including our workers. I had to slaughter 6 of our hogs but because of the heightened security conditions we arranged to have them trucked from Propseridad village, where we have most of our livestock.

In our compound, where we live, we have a small flock of chickens for daily meat and/or eggs, a few goats for butchering, usually one hog for the youngest kids in each family to raise for money - to learn responsibility, and Dad's flock of turkeys which drive him crazy but give him something to do.

We also have ducks but we let them be , they live in the creek beside the compound, but we always have to be vigilant because our workers eat roadkill. What do you think they would do with those ducks? Sometimes we steal the ducks' eggs to make the Philippine delcacy, "Balut."

"Balut" are fertilised duck eggs, still in the embryonic stage. You can find them all over the country, sold as street snacks. They are extremely popular. Rizza is crazy about them but they make me want to puke...and in my life I have eaten incredible things, even eaten raw rat. That is how disgusting I find Balut (I am sorry Filipinos!).

They use their thumb, etc., to poke a hole in the top of the egg, then they season it, usually with "kalamansi" (I will explain shortly) and then scarf it down raw. YIKES!!! Little feathers, yolk, ugggghhhhh....

A "kalamansi" is a citrus fruit native to the islands here. They are tiny, smaller than "Key Limes," very round and very green skinned. Inside they are orange fleshed and medium sour to taste. Usually, it is used as a condiment on EVERYHTING, often mixed with soy sauce. In any cafe they offer them without asking, it is that much of a staple condiment.

Well, one of our drivers trucked in the hogs, and with labourers sitting astride their necks, while 2 others held their legs, I cut their throats and drained the blood, which we usually allow our labourers and machine operators to have as a treat.

After all the blood has stopped running we hoist the hog up on a hook and chain via a pulley inside the mill, and let ALL the blood drain. Then comes the skinning. In the past we used to allow the labourers to also keep the skins, but I stopped that 2 years ago because of the amount of money we were pissing out the door with that largesse.

I then allow the labourers to butcher it, along with our head cook who makes sure they do a good job. We always give them a few pounds of pork, all entrails, tail, and ears.

I just do the killing. Funny, that has been my best skill on through life. Mom used to freak out when I would butcher something. You would imagine that living in the countryside all her life that butchering would be common work for her but life is not like that at all here.

Mom grew up and has remained an upper class woman and life here while not based on any real caste system is very much conscious of class. For example, I cannot drive our mill trucks (10 and 18 wheerlers) because it would then show me to be working. I can only do very supervisory things, such as counting sacks, to make sure the money is right, etc.

She could never understand how I could kill so easily, and it is difficult to make her understand. She has never been abroad, never fired a gun, etc. She is not so innocent, she is very intelligent but still, she has not seen the world.

Speaking of "guns," I received one from Mom and Dad, a 9mm Sig which they had saw me handle at the S and M Mall in Davao City. As a foreigner here I cannot get a permit, but everyone carries guns on Mindanao. I also carry it in Cebu, admittedly.

Aside from having a wife get the piece, or a family member, a person can also use one of the gunsmiths in places like Mandue right outside Cebu City which has a cottage industry. Just as when I was in Peshawar, Pakistan I was amazed to see people taking a magazine picture of a modern advanced weapon and within 5 working days craft probably a better working version!!!

Anyway, I have a 32, a 45, now 2 9s, 1 M16, and 1 Galil. We have alot more spread throughout the compound and that is a good thing given the lifestyle here. Life is very cheap.

Last New Years my eldest bro-in-law Ariel, aged
23, and Dad took the Provincial Course required
for gun permits and both got new chrome 45s. Now Rizza is bugging me to allow her to take a course as well. She says that she wants to be "just like Israeli girls" (sic) she is so cute sometimes. OK, I tell her, I will teach you. "No, I want a permit to carry it openly." WHAT?

Well we are still discussing that. It is difficult to get her to understand that once you have a gun in your hand, in real life (meaning outside of practice), you must be ready and willing to use it. In other words, if it is in your hand, it should only be because you are going to try and KILL something. It is not a toy, a prop. You do not pull it for show. If you draw down it better be to put in work.


Shortly before I left for NYC this last trip, must have been March this year, ending of March, I was discussing the New Testament with Dad in the sala (living room/parlour). All of a sudden we heard screaming from the northen end of our compound, female screams.

We are embroiled in a family feud, which I will explain shortly, and my first reaction was that it was related to that. I ran in my flip flops (everyone wears them, called "tsinela" here) and kicked them off as I got to the fence/wall.

It was the 2nd maid from the Main House (Mom and Dad's house)...But I will have to get ot that in my next entry because of the vile character count...

Today is Sunday, December 21st, 2008 and it is now 838 PM here in the Philippines.

Well, before I get into my music, books and bloodshed, I wthough that I would let you guys in a little secret of mine. Although I recently mentioned my taste for exotic cookery, I also have a little junkfood habit.

Sure, alot of folks like their Mickey D's, Wendy's and of course Jollybee (if they are stuck in the Philippines), but how many of you blokes can claim to be a regular at Pepperbee's?

Pepperbee's has the finest food, the nicest servers and , well, the owner is one of my idols. Anyone who loves service that much has got to be A-OK in my eyes! See what I mean:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=RW1EV5H7Ru8

With that out of the way...

Music wise I do like all kinds of music, even the rare country tune. I have been listening to a rendtion of Madame Butterfly (opera) by Placido Domingo and Leontyne Price who sad to say, are my least favourite performers in the roles.

I have also been listening to Saami music. Saami, or as they are better known, "Lapps" are an indigenous People who live, generally, north of the Arctic Circle in Scandanavia and Finland. They are known as the semi-nomadic herders of reindeer but in actuality that is a dying custom.

The Saami are considered to be, along with the Basque (shoutout to Dtergent) to be the oldest inhabitants of Europe, as far as continuous cultures. Physically they usually look like like an admixture of Scandanavian and so called "Eskimos." Very beautiful People.

The southern Saami have a form of traditional music known as "Yoik." Most Yoiks, as the plural is known, have no real lyrics but rather , like the "Eskimos' " "Throat Singing" are spontaneous expressions of mood. the difference being that "Throat Singing" is, as the label suggest from the thoat and Yoiks are from the mouth like Native-American chants, etc.

Chassidic Jews have a similar culturism known as "Niggeem," chants without words based on mood.

The Yoik I chose for a video I will link to is but a brother and sister duo whom I really enjoy, "Adjagas."

Unfortunately, the url will not work so if you are initerested, it can be found at Youtube by typing in their name.

The other song I will link to is a great Chillout song for the holidays, a song I have loved for almost 20 years, by the "Pat Metheny Group," agreat modern Jazz and Rock Fusion group and the song is, "Last Train Home.":

www.youtube.com/watxh?v=Sq5oqY3-vhg

Book wise I have been again hitting the Guttenburg Project up, this time I have been reading the works of "Eusebius," a 3rd and 4th Century CE/AD Christian leader who lived in Jerusalem.

At the time that (Roman) Emperor Constantine was convening the Council of Nicea in the early 4th Century CE/AD, to codify the Christian Bible, Eusebius was working hard in the libraries of Caeseria and Jerusalem to catalouge all the many hundreds of Christian documents that made up the uncodified Christian Scriptural collections.

In the end Constantine had a Bible made, 50 copies actually by hand as was the way it was done of course, on fine vellum but none survive. It is my personal dream to come across one, or at least a fragment. Forget the fact that I would be richer than anyone can imagine materielly from it, but what a find for a book lover such as myself!

Almost 200 years ago a Euroepan was journeying through my part of the world, the Middle East and came into Sinai, and what has been called for eons "Mount Sinai." In truth noone knows where that mountain is but there is a mountain since at least Constantine's age that has had the label attached to it.

A Greek Orthadox monastery, St. Catherine's sits atop the mountain, which I have been to both when it was in Israeli control and now that it is back in Egyptian control.

Then, as now, the monastery gets very cold in winter evenings and the traveller was very sick but was startled, once he had convalesced sufficiently, to see the monks reading ancient manuscripts, after one caring for him had described them.

He did his best not to show any emotion though, knowing full well that should he, it would be impossible to obtain them. He then struck up a relationship with a Bedua who worked there. The Bedua invited him to his hovel and lo and behold the traveller was terrfied to see the Bedua's mum throwing vellum into their fireplace!!!

Vellum is very , very fine parchment from the ancient times. Cheap books and notes were composed upon papyrus, and paper made from plants, and sometimes upon cheap leather. Vellum though is a thing of great value used for extremely important wirtings and so he knew it to be worth saving and ended up paying a pitannce for what is now known as the "Codex Sinaiticus," the "Sinai Book."

It is full of wirtings that were heretofore unknown, but Christian in origin. Fascinating that Christians have no idea, most anyway, that their New Testament is not their true set of Scriptures.

On to reality...

Last time I was talking about the white man inIligan City, here on Mindanao, who did not believe the isaldn to be dangerous. Some might remember the posting. As luck would have it, that next afternoon I woke up and heard that iligan had just been bombed!!!

2 men in tradtional white Muslim attire walked into Unicity Deprtment Store and checked a black backpack in at Baggage Checkin where 2 young cousins were working. Sadly both cousins were killed, and more than 40 people were hurt, 2 who are thought to be too critical to survive.

The next day, Friday December 19th, another bomb was found on that same street. An IED made out of an 81 mm mortar shell sired to an alarm clock was placed inside a very large papaya, which was then in turn bagged and placed inside a sack.

2 teens sat down to eat at a bakery, and after texting and conversing left. Still sucpicious from the previous afternoon the workers noticed the sack and called authorities. Finally a K9 alerted onto the sack and thank G-D noone got hurt from it.

The same afternoon in General Santos, or as we call it "Gen San." another bomb was found but again taken before exploding.


For the last 2 days things have been quiet as far as artillery and bomber jets although the gunships (copters) are still all over the place. However, in honour of the Communist Party of the Philippines (CPP) anniversary on 12/26, thier military arm the NPA (which I talked about at lengrh) is calling a unilateral Cease Fire.

On 12/24, 12/25, 12/26 and then again on 12/31 ans 1/01 there will be no violence says the group. The army as well has promised a holiday Cease Fire but has left the orders ambiguous so that it is really up to the local COs who command each Battalion.

Rizza, her nanny, and my brother in law Nigel who also lives in Cebu are coming on the ferry, leaving tomorrow night, so by Tuesday they will all be here.

Mom is happy, but mad at her friends. I told about the American who said he was CIA, right? Well now he is romancing a second woman whom he met from the 40 soemthing nun whose virginity he stole. A nice "Novela," (Soap Opera). Now Mom hates this pal as well and I am glad.

I do not celebrate Xmas at all, as a Jew, but the food is great (smile). Amapalaya though, "Chinese Bitter Melon" takes some getting used to.

I was so fucking close.

On Sunday night I was 100% sure that I would get through it. I talked to my parents and was so happy they thought I was high.

Then I get a call from Randi. Why don't you come down and we'll celebrate your birthday in style. At first, I said no.Then 10 minutes later all my plans were in place.

Now, 3 days later I have gone through a quarter ounce and $1000. Then I get home and call and tell my parents that I'm alive at least (They know of my use). And oh by the way, you're sister doesn't want you around for Christmas dinner. That is the first time I cried. I can't believe I let it slide this far.

So I think this is "rock bottom". At least I hope so. I know I have no more chances.

I didn't have a good Christmas. Kpins and alcohol and smoking cig.s got me through it.
And then there is BL
I come here and its worse...
I REALLY want to kill myself.
I hate me. Ppl hate me. Heck I bet part of my family hates me. What kind of life is that??
Its just method. I wish my brother wouldn't bring guns in the house. But whoever finds me...shit. I should get a coat, a rope and go hunting for a random far away tree...maybe days before they find me. I'm just a "Run away" at 21...

For the sake of family coming home. I'll take what drugs I have Soma, Ambien. I need real drugs SO SO SO SO bad. and pass out. can't hardly kill myself of that. I have a feeling that ppl will get the cry wolf thing with me...
until one day I get it right.

Shit my mom knows I'm suicidal and does nothing about my brother's shot guns and ammo out right there. Fuck are you stupid or do you not care...

We pass a church on our right going 15 maybe 20 miles per hour, deliberately trying to avoid exceeding the posted speed limit.

"Psalm 16:3, verses 10-12" the sign says in navy blue removable lettering on a less than elegant looking white plastic, semi transparent back lit billboard more appropriate for a seedy motel than a house of worship.

"My ravenous enemies beset me; they shut up their cruel hearts, their mouths speak proudly," the girl in the passengers seat says, looking straight out the raindrop covered windshield and blinking twice when the wipers move across.

"Their steps even now surround me; crouching to the ground, they fix their gaze. Like lions hungry for prey, like young lions lurking and hiding," continues the girl, a too young prostitute I picked up and fell in love with a few miles, two nips of vodka and a speed ball ago and I ask her, is that supposed to make me feel better?

"This is my favorite song, you know," she tells me, turning the radio up and leaning into me lighting my cigar, creating fire from the palm of her hand. Hours after the sun goes down, cities and cities and a state line behind us, the rain coming down and the light of the moon is nowhere to be found, closing it's eyes to the madness and I tell the girl I can't do this alone, ash on my lap and blood on the back of my hand but she's sleeping.

"Two months ago I asked Sister Marie to be excused to go to the bathroom, tore up my hall pass and never went back," she said with her eyes closed, somewhere a few miles passed Knoxville. The heroin was making her drowsy and melancholy. When we get to Marietta I don't have to wake her up.

"I've got no reason not to," she says after a few minutes and a drink, the bottle of Jameson resting comfortably between her thighs, turning the cap around and around in her fingers.

In Chatanooga I had pulled into a gas station and got high in the bathroom just before leaving. Another speed ball and then an extra shot of coke but she slept through the whole thing and I don't bother to tell her now. The attendant behind the counter shouted when the power went out but stopped when I walked in through the door, the only visible light coming from the headlights of my car parked outside.

"I don't have a safe, just what's in the register," he whined in a shaky voice, not sure whether to look at me or not and I told him I don't want any money, the Springfield XD pistol loaded with .45 caliber bullets pointed right for his face.


Braking to drop my speed limit as I take the exit off the highway and turn right heading into the center of town she wants to know "What's his name, anyways?" and I ask her who, though I already know the answer.

"Your brother. What's your brother's name?"she asks, screwing the cap back on the bottle and taking a cigarette from her bag on the floor and I tell her, he has the same name as mine.

Today is Friday, December 26th, 2008 and it is now 2:01 AM here in the Philippines.

Music wise...As I stated in another entry, one of the positives about losing the Journal was being able to shove my favourite songs than readers' throats once again. One such song is "Mi'ma'amkim" ("From the Depths") by the Idan Raichel Project.

Idan's family is from the region of Bessrabia that my mum was native to (Trans-Diniester) and as such there is a very real chance that we af the same lineage but since we only concentrate on our father's lineage (we become Jewish from our mums but get our name and status from our Clan affiliation although most Ashkenazi long ago stopped even maintaining their own lineages and have no Clan structure to speak of.

"Ashkenazi" means "German" in Hebrew and describes one major Jewish ethnicity. They are called "German" because their language is "Yiddish." Yiddish is based on Middle-German (German as it was spoken about 800 years ago) but its grammar is prurely Semitic.

In addition it is written in Hebrew characters that left most Ashkenazim (the plural) out of mainstream cultures in all areas of Europe until the early 19th Century (and even then those in Eastern Europe were still isolated.

My mum's line was in Spain before the Inquisition but like almost all Jews fled the region instead of conversion to Caholicism. they ended up in Bessarabia (a tiny spit of land in between Rumania and the Ukraine). they adopted Asheknazi customs (since they were vastly outnumbered by them) but always made sure to mark their genealogy.

My dad's Clan has a minor line that also came from Spain except that during the Inquistion they fled back home, to what is now Israel, etc. Over the centuries that followed they married into my father's main line, and so my direct male ancestors never left our homeland.

After Saladin (as he is commonly known to Westerners) defeated the Crusaders a branch of our Clan (Dwek) converted and became a diveregent line. We have no contact with them nor have we for many centuries. Strange, the way life is in that part of the world. Literally close relatives and yet we battle.

Meandering back to the song...It came out in 2007 but when I went into battle in the last war (Lebanon War of 2006) we were about a week late getting into the theater because most poor coordination on the call-up of Reserves (at the time I was, like most Israeli men, a Reservist in the army). We gathered in a parking lot of a Kibbutz (all Battalions have static Induction Points, so that in wartime, no matter what we know where to meet and what protocols to follow.

I was in NACHAL Briade (NACHAL is an acronym which means, in English, "Young Fighting Pioneers), 50th Battalion. the 50th is the only dual Paratrooper/Infantry Brigade in Israel, and probably the world. A fast deployment method is to ride the rails of Apaches and Cobras (gunships that only seat 2 crewmen with no space for passengers unless heavily modified. We stand on the copters' rails, and hold onto handholds built into thge body of the copter.

However, arranging this would have taken too much time and they were desprate to insert us so we caught rides with an Armour Column from the
7th Armour Brigade. I had been hastily awarded my long awated promotion , to the rank that would be more or less equivalent to a Us Cpatain except that my rank actually is a higher position, more like Major.

I was also given command of a Platoon, which consists, often, of 4 Squads. Each Squad in turn has 2 "Chains" each. A Chain has 3 soldiers in each one. Ideally one of those 3 is a Squad Sniper, one is a heavy gunner (machine gun), and the third just a rifleman.

The heavy gunner is what is called "Position C" in translation. The Sniper (Postion A) takes point, the Rifleman (Position B), second, and then the heavy gunner. With the Snipers leading the
Chains advance from Point of Cover to next POC. When you get within 35 meters you fire from the hip, as an auto-reflex. This is how we operate (I am being careful not to talk about anything I should not).

So..I was given Platoon Command, and I and my men rode 3 Mk4s (Merkava MBTs, meaning "Tanks"). On my tank my mate had a boombox with alot of mixed CDs (Israelis love trance), and one of those CDs was the one that features this song by Idan Raichel and his group.

The song, in Hebrew, is about soliders who are even willing to die for their People and Nation to live. the words in English:

"From the Depths"

From the depths I called out to you

Come to me

Upon my return the light will return to my eyes

I am not finished

I am not leaving the touch of your hands

May it come and light up to the sound of your laughter

From the depths I called out to you

Come to me

Against the moon that lights my way back to you

The moonlight spreads out and melts against the touch of your hands

In your ears I whisper and ask

Who is that calling out to you tonight?

Listen up

Who sings out loud to you, to your window?

Who is willing to give his woul for you to make you happy

Who will help to build your home?

Who will give his life and put it beneath yours?

Who will live as the dust beneath your feet?

Who will love you more than all other loves?

Who will save you from things that go bump in the night?

From the depths

Come to me"

The song is about men willing to do their duty to protect those they love even if it means that those people they love will go on without them afterwards...

www.youtube.com/watch?v=i0PWukxRV8U

The second song is by an American born Jew who is rather popular in Alternative circles. His name, "Matityahu" means Matthew in the Ashkenazi dialect of Hebrew. Most Jews pronounce it "Matisyahu." He is well known as a Reggae/Dancehall singer who wears the tellt ale clothing of Chassidic Jewry.

The first song is "King Without a Crown," and the "King" is meant to signify the "Messiah" whom we call "Mosheeach" in Hebrew. I knew he was getting well popular when I heard this song in Victoria Mall in Davao City.


www.youtube.com/watch?v=hip2i9yHZ38

The second song, also by him, is "Jerusalem" and is about the Jews eternal need for their homeland, and how we suffered through nearly 2000 years of Exile. In this video there is a montage of pictures/photos that is meant to represent the "Western Wall" AKA "Wailing Wall," which is the last rmenant of the Jewish Temple in Jerusalem.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJ5FvaASrs0

My last song is "Brothers in Arms," by Dire Straits. The lead singer of the group, Mark Knopfler is a British born Jew who is considered one of the world's best guitarists, especially "finger picking" style. The song is about the comradeship of war and how it effects men.

I first heard it, as conincidence would have it, in war. Back in "Operation Peace for Galilee" AKA "First War in Lebanon." My squad and I were 2 kilometers from the Israeli border, on the Lebanese side. A "wadi" is a dry riverbank. In a wadi , never wet I suppose, stood a cement block structure with zinc roofing. We were pinned down between our own Artillery and the PLA, a Syrian paramilitary that utilised Syrian officers to lead "Palestinians."

We were there for many days and after the 3rd we were in bad shape without water or food, no communication with our country, and because of the terrain even on top of the wadi our own forces could not see us due to hillocks. We ended up eating raw meat from a rodent very closely realted to rats but one of my mates still died there.

The batteries lasted until the 4th day because we hardly used it. Mark Knopfler allowed the song to be used by the IDF 2 years ago and the army incorporated images of the Israeli forces, and has used it as a training tool during the first stage of Induction for new recruits.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wahd2piIr4Q

Book wise I am reading a historical novel entitled "Confessions of a Pagan Nun" by Kate Horsley and published by Shambhala Publications in 2001. It is a fictionalised memoir of a pagan Irish woman in the 6th Century CE/AD who converts to Catholicism but feels torn between the new and old faiths. Interesting so far but have just begun it.

I will continue in a subsequent entry because of the dreaded character count...

Well the words "said" still ring in my ears. I guess there was always a reason that I said, never to him, that I would have rather my ex just hit me and get it over with than say the things he said so I can torture myself with it later. And I do. Go back and read or think about things that are painful. I guess I suppose its only the truth and I deserve it. I don't have a stable "reflection" of self, thats a Borderline thing, so I look to others for a reflection and what I have been seeing...yeah.

"There are enough people here with cases of depression and mental problems, maybe you should keep out of the Dark Side and stick to your journal so that you are not at risk of assisting anyone in NOT recovering from their problems."


I wish I could find comfort in drugs or drink but not yet and who knows when. Soma and drinking is not good. And I'm never good enough for my step family why show up looking fucked up. Although we all know they all have their own issues. But I WILL get fucked up today, just a matter of when. It will take one or more scripted k-pins to get through Christmas at my dad's. He acts like he is SO concerned that every holiday in the last 2 years has be ruined and it usually starts there. I'd maybe telling him what I really thought about him and his bullshit at Thanksgiving clicked.

I've already cried today and still feel like crying. I was just getting my life together,a job I liked, a school I could manage and do well in, finding myself (although that may have been an illusion), getting dumped by the ex and taking it well (it was faking it...) but later finding someone great that I could see myself with.

And then it all just crashed down. Like I say so often. For as long as I can recall, as least teenage years. I've always hated myself. Before I found cutting I would punish myself by laying on the cold floor with no pillows of blankets becuase I didn't deserve comfort. And maybe thats how it is with my family and relationships I don't deserve love,who knows.anyway. I've always hated and punished myself for being so worthless, so useless, such a fuck up, such a waste.

There once was a saying that "God don't make mistakes" I don't believe in god, but if I did...I'm proof he does. And if there is one I'm very angry that he created me to suffer as I do.

Cutting on Christmas
not the Christmas ham
not cuttings from the wreath
not cutting wrapping paper
I want to cut my skin and cause the pain I feel to become physical. To bleed the blood that others have earned. And perhaps they will earn their own personal distinguishable scar, or it will fade into the many.

Yeah, I know I'm sick. You don't have to tell me that. I just wonder if I always have been...