Blogs

Butternut Squash soup with ginger
-bake squash with olive oil
-grate a massive amount of ginger
-peel squash skin away and mash
-blend together and add a bit of water (or maybe soy milk?)
-Serve after simmering on stove

Crackers, cheese and Smoked Salmon
(self explanatory)

Bok Choy with garlic sauce

Chinese eggplant with tomato

Booze choices: Newcastle, white wine, proseco

Simple stuff...can't overload before a big party

I have a date tomorrow, wish a really sweet great guy. I was high earlier and had this and was happy...didn't last long. I never seem to be able to blog when I'm happy, something always gets it and ruins it.

I left A at 2.30am and just got home two hours ago at 5.45pm. Icy shitty roads.

Now I sleep:D

this is the test: entering this on my samsung epix. i'm glad the journal is effectively back, I enjoy looking at my past entries to see where I was during the years i've been on bluelight.

currently, I am in between jobs and it is stressful.

Anyone ever read my blogs?

Im sick of how the OATC clinic keeps on fucking with my methadone. Right now im out of town and they fucked up on my script. Ugh so much trounble all the time. The doctor has left me without methadone for saterday, sunday , monday and tuesday. He was supossed to make my script untill then but he fucked up and only made it till this friday. And now he is on a vacation and cant be reached. And the other doctor on call does not want to do it for me.. Such assholes.

Honestly.,,my clinic does not even have its own doctor,,we gota talk to them over the internet via webcam. Totally stupid bullshit. This is in Ottawa. When i was on it in sudbury the clinic had its own doctors. There are also many private MMT practices. But Ottawa only has one ...the OATC clinic. And it does not even have its own doctor. Such fucking bullshit.

This is the 3rd time they have made mistakes and i have been left without methadone. One time they didnt send my script to my pharmacy and I had no drinks for 3 days(friday, sat, sun). I had all my exams that weekend to study for and write. So I had to study and write them all dope sick. Then on the monday when I went back to get my drink and fix things they tried to kick me off because after you miss 3 drinks they kick you off MMT. But it was their fault ...assholes. So in the end they didnt kick me off since it wasnt my fault. But they said they couldnt give me my normal 110mgs(at the time) since i missed 3 days and my tolerance was down..So they said they had to give me only 20mgs. But i freaked out sooo much that they ended up giving me 60mgs. Now im at 60mgs cuz of that..FUcking assholes basterds.

Another time they didnt send my script for sat and sunday. Sasme thing again

So 3 times they have fucked me ovver..How is this fair? I need to find out a way to report this. I want the government to inspect the OATC's work and get them all in trouble. The whole Ottawa staff should be fired.

I've moved into my new apartment last Friday.

And

OMG

Ever since then the crazyness has begun...

My roomates are off the hook.

I've met up with some cool ass bluelighters.

Went to the most amazing rave ( besides ultrafest ) too bad I don't remember most of it cuz I was on lots of different drugs before i took the MDMA

lol, me and chicago66 was laying on the floor doing nitrous balloons, it was nuts, now pictures are surfacing all over facebook from random people and i'm in alot of them lololol... omg crazy shit....

it's like everywhere you walk in this city you can start a conversation with anybody about anything, theres so many cool peopel everywhere you go, i'm loving every minute of it..

i might as well party it up before january 6th... because that's when i start college, wish me luck... just felt like letting everyone know how my week has been

Remember Big Lebowski...orr the should I say
"the dude". That was one wicked movie. Honestly that has to be one of my favorite movies ever. Dunno why, just something about the way Jeff Bridges, John Goodman and Steve Buscemi have an energy acting together. They all really fit the character they are portraying. Ohh yeah and a nice cameo by Flea(Red Hot chillie peppers) as one of the German nihilists. heh suck a good film. if only I could go to Lebowski fest in Louisville kentucky.

I fell so hard for him. He was almost perfect. He was religious, but I could try to work with it. He knew about the drugs, didn't approve but didn't run. He wanted to see how bad is was, if I was high, I slept. Not that bad.

Then I came crashing down, too close, too fast. I self-harming as he pulled it from my hands. falling to the floor crying.

He left for holiday break and I don't hear from him. I used to hear from him every day. And now he doesn't call he doesn't text. I don't exist to him.
I'm trying to cope. I deleted his physical existence. Pictures, numbers, email...But I still cry.
He fell hard, he was wonderful...

He once said, you don't trust ppl very easy do you...I let down that wall and I got hurt.....
I still will cry because it still hurts....and nothing will take it away...

uhhh. Did about 150mgs of ketamine today..Didnt have that much fun at all. I guess I really dont like that drug. For some reason I always seems to get the opposite of euphoria from it...Dysophoria or whatever.. I like mixing it with other euphoric drugs though. Thats really fun. Like a Ketamine and MDMA...hmmmmm love that mix

IO hate when I go a little bit overboard with the diphenhydramine cuz im to cheap to use more of my opiates..Wana save them for the next day..

hmmmm. I think its time to reopen livejournal. Liz headspace is Liz headspace. Public viewing was okay for many years. But is not now.

So the liz headspace will just move to where it can be itself again.

What CAN you do if you are suicidal?
Tell someone of authority its lock down in a psych ward for a week or two and that SUCKS. And last time I came out swearing I'd d it right before I'd go back.

Get online and/or try to talk to people that you think are friends. Nope, its like they get pissed off that you didn't do it. Label you just an attention seeker. Especially with someone who is suicidal as often as I am.

Real "friends" (living) people- either have more important things to do. Or you get to the point just like the online ones, that you wear them out and they just don't give a shit anymore. "You've said it enough, go do it already."

What do you do? Where do you turn?
I think you just get to the point where you don't say anything at all and just do it.

You know ppl say shit like, "oh he seemed just fine, just a normal day." "why didn't he come and talk to me. why did he have to do that? "

^ thats why. Why bother saying anything anymore.

After eating like a pig for the past 5 days, it's back to anorexia and working out.

That is all.

Ironically I did go and see the four christmas's film which was so so. On the other side the amount of juggling that has to go on coming from a broken family and being involved with woman from broken families become a joke. This one doesnt speak to this one and that one does'nt speak to that one. Its one big complex muddle of family dynamics.

In saying that I did have a good time over the xmas period. Didnt miss much and didnt get elot but what I did have was good enough for me

Hello r2mx,

Apparently you like to read my journal. I know you used to when we were friends but I have no idea why you do now. Regardless, since you have taken the time to read this I will make this entry for you.

Nathan, I have been gutted since we fell out, and not because I feel wronged or whatever. I think your concerns are valid, and although the way you have expressed yourself has been a bit childish, you did have your best friend in your concerns.

It really sucks eggs to lose you as a mate, Seriously. I think you are very funny and good value to be honest, and just want to remember those good points.

I am sorry for many things. I know you were concerned about ny drug use and that of your friend. You were right.

You asked me to call you when I got off the speed. I been off 7 weeks, and thats a big block of time considering my habit.

I was extremely angry at some interjections from you into what I think were difficulties between him and I. Take note of the zero level of interference there was from me between you and your girl. You might have had the best of intentions but that sucked mate.

Anyway, the long and the short of it is this: Im pretty gutted at the way things are. Awful. I dont know what to do or even if there is anything that can be done to make things better between you and me but I hope one day we can talk as adults.

I know I have fucked up here and there. I dont think I can recount in my brain events and details as its all a jumbled mess.

I hope you can eventually see again that we did get along and acknowledge the effort put in to get off drugs, as you asked ages ago.

Ill be the first to admit that there has not been a normal Liz to be found when the drugs are taken away. Its fucking weird man. I dont know if what is happening in my brain will last or not. I bloody hope not as it is not pleasant.

Whats making this worse is the on going regret of losing you as a friend, and what happened between him and I. This guts me to the core.

I love him with a huge amount of passion. I sent him an email earlier which hopefully explained what I think I have to do that is right by him as Im pretty fucked in the head, having a crazy fuck knuckle as a girlfriend is not something I want for him at all. I wish things had have been better, or recovery more successful. This whole thing is really getting me down and I cant seem to get back out into a happy frame of mind where all can be good again. This is because, I think anyway, of a lot of unresolved shit between you and I, and some between him and I.

I want you to know, despite everything thats gone on, I miss you as my mate. I would be lying if I said I didnt. Does that make me a piece of puke you slip on in the dunnies at Splendour? Maybe.

Its the people in your life you have respect and love for that hurt the most when you lose them.

I was pretty fucking ill for a long time, getting better is going to be a long process and I need all the peace and calm I can get. Please respect my will to get better and also my love for him by giving me some space and maybe an open mind.

If its the best thing for him, to love from afar, then that is what I will do. But I cant, wont stop loving him. Hes one of the best people I have ever met.


Liz

I've come to the conclusion that drinking alcohol is a totally pointless and self-destructive experience.

Although I have used alcohol as a catalyst for my social growth, I've come to the realization that it is not worth the trouble. Here is what I've gotten out of my alcohol consumption:
-decreased bank account
-decreased brain functioning (short-term and long)
-hangovers, vomiting, embarrassing attempts at dancing
-increased weight
-liver damage
-decreased health in general

Sure, alcohol has fueled a number of sexual encounters. However, the consumption ultimately led to the dysfunction...

I'm looking to leave alcohol behind until I achieve my goals, which are yet to be written in stone. Nonetheless, abstinence will only lead to good things.

Also, I have decided to begin the "lemon cleanse" fast tomorrow, perhaps lasting for 2+ weeks. I need to detox my liver, my brain, my body. I have been sick constantly since October, and it is undoubtedly a result of excess alcohol consumption. I also am looking to regain my physical conditioning. A year ago I was able to run four miles at a seven minute pace. Now, (albeit in the winter with a cold), I struggle to pound out a mile at under a 7:50 pace.

Beyond the physical cleanse, I am looking to renew my spiritual side. I have recently restarted my meditation practice, and I'm considering the prospect of exiting my social bubble, and joining the local Buddhist group. The daily meditation would be a welcome respite from my daily ills.

A gigantic decision lies on the horizon: grad school, leaving the country permanently, or traveling blindly to Asia in order to find a simpler path. All this will be decided before May...

More to come as my fast begins...

-Take a shower
-Do a pedicure
-Read BL
-Read some actual news
-Watch TV
-Clean
-do laundry
-organize useless shit (mp3 files, rainbow order my sharpie marker set, etc)
-change sheets on the bed and make it up
-burn CD's
-Make playlists
-Draw
-Write
-text people
-call people
-make plans
-perfect my dope kit
-clean out old sets with bleach n alcohol
-find hidden stashes of old empty bags and put all in one place so they stop appearing on my floor
-clean off mirror top table so making up shots is more fun to watch
-Throw out garbage laying around
-go on encyclopedia dramatica and read endlessly mindless stupid shit
-Do eyebrows
-Braid my hair
-Do deep cleaning facial with steam
-make mini toiletry bag for runnin out the door at a minutes notice
-delete old text messages
-sort thru my voicemail
-watch a movie on youtube
-set up speakers and listen to music
-get drunk (time warp speed)
-take dirty dishes to the sink
-clean incent ashes off the incent burner
-fold laundry
-do something that i been procrastinating doing
-get important info together (birth certificate, SS card, medical records, prescriptions, etc)
-do my makeup
-get a list of NA meetings to tell the judge wat ones i will b attending
-look up guitar tabs
-sing somethin
-make a list
-Walk to the bodega
-Drink coffee
-Call one of my girls
-Walk down the block and watch a movie with my girl
-go on line to look up sites that give you free samples of shit and sign up for all of them
-research a random thing I am curious about
-Design tattoos
-Dream about gettin high.....

Today I can do this shit. I am makin this list here not becuz it could possibly be interestin to anybody around me, but just to remind my self that there is plenty of shit to do other than shoot up and smoke weed. I am in awake mode not zombie want to be sleeping but cant mode. I am startin to love the day time becuz at least thats a time that it feels OK to be awake, that im allowed to be awake, instead of the torture of knowin everyone else is all sleepy cozy toasty warm in their bed visions of needles dance in their head. wait thats my head. But anyways. Just check down the list girl. find somethin to entertain you. It aint supposed to be easy. if it was easy it wouldnt be a fuckin addiction, it would be called a funndiction or somethin. lol. Be good. not much longer to hold out. good things come to those who wait and god helps those who help themselfes.

For me there has just been too much pain and tears here. I know the lounge isn't safe but I had found comfort in The Dark Side.

But lately I feel like I'm been targeted and fed to the wolfs. Maybe I'll pop in to check a combo. or something. But it hurting me more than its helping me and at the state I've in. (Unemployed but can't get unemployment, without a S.O. and the one I was working on ran for the hills, being depressed, my uncle dying, my grandma having cancer, living with my parents and being as compulsively suicidal I am, Yes I know someone always has it worse.)But honestly that does make me feel any better NOW. It don't take the pain away)
It just isn't good for me.

I hope the meds start working and I can find a good therapist and live a full new year.And things start to work.Either that or I give up or lay on bed until the money runs out...

I have no idea I THOUGHT TDS was safe, I was wrong wrong wrong...



If you want to do ONE kind thing out of thr goodness of you're heart. Don't turn around and bash me here. Say nothing if you can't be supportive.( that should be the code for the DS, tough love doesn't work on everyone, me...makes me feel worse and worse.)

longest sober stretch ever.

Yeah only done via distance to source.

But I dont have cravings really. Just regret and sadness, and a touch of confusion.

Nathan and I were kids when we got married. He is still on it and doing what he used to. I think I know what he went through when we broke up now, guilt and shame and grief. Also anger.

I sometimes wonder what would have been if we had have grown up
And had kids, lived normally. It would not have happened though.

I regret wasting years on drugs. I find it hard to fathom why I thought to go down that road at all. I think it was because I was lonely in a new city and met drug people first. It was normal to do drugs all the time.

Now, I cant relate to that. I think it has gone.

Wow..the other night I got fucked up..I wanted to get high like never before. I have been on the methadone prograerm for awhile..and just needed to get opiated out. I missed it oh so much. So to start off I drank some White grape fruit juice. About 1L(1000mls) to help potentiate the high. I also took 100mgs of diphenhydramine with 20mgs of cyclobenzaprine, 60mgs of Temazepam and 150-300mgs of methocarbamol. Then about 30mins later...already fucked up on the potentiators by now..I took 180mgs of methadone. I dunno what I was thinking..the whole point I took all the potentiators was to try and get a decent high off 2 of my carries.(60mgs each) But I drank 3 of them.(180mgs)
Boy O boy that was stupid of me to take so many other drugs with it. A nice high would of been just the temazepam and methadone...maybe some diphenhydramine. But everything all together totally fucked my to the extreme. Like it was fun and all. But I was a little too high to enjoy it. At first the euphoria was second to best...then after a while I was noddin out to much to enjoy it. Prolly the most high off methadone I ever have been...kinda though..I guess you cant totally just call it a methadone high since I took so many other drugs to potentiate it that they had a high of their own. ohh yeah and I have like zero tolerance for benzo's and the like..so that 60mgs of temazepam alone would of got me a decent high. ( 2x30mg caps). Would I do it again? For shur!!!!

Oh yeah and I didnt have to pee test since I was not at my hometown methadone clinic. The one they wanted me to pee test at had someone working there that was in my family. So I didnt want them to know. I know that everything is confidential and that she would not be aloud to tell anyone else in my family..but realisticly of course she will, she is a huge gossip. And its not like ill rat her out and get my family member fired..yeah know? So there was no possible way for me to get busted and lose carries..So i had some nice fun.

my temp license is made out of paper. it looks like a business card that i printed myself. which is fine and dandy in seattle cause people are used to it. but not so much in OH.

anyhow, a bunch of us were at the store buying liquor and beer. i gave the cashier my ID and she had to call the manager and it was this big to do. she looked it up in the book and refused to believe it was a temp ID and thought it was fake. so, she wouldn't sell me the liquor but james ended up getting it.

next came my friend with a CA license, the manager looked it up in the book and spent a good 5 minutes staring at it. after that came two people with NC licenses. while she was looking up their licenses in the book, she went on this long tirade about how people need to get OH licenses and how she is not amused by our elaborate scam to buy alcohol.

literally 25 minutes later, we left we our beer and liquor.

i understand checking licenses and such. places can get in trouble for selling to underaged people. but this woman was damned determined that all 5 of us were trying to scam her.

so see vgoraz, people don't like paper licenses

I posted some information on the DS on BPD becuase I think a lot of ppl don't understand why I act or react the way I do and I really can't yet control it.

But it hadn't gone well. It has become about self-diagnosis. I'm not, Medication and the Advice to

Kill yourself or lean to cope. You know thats the mind of the borderline. It plays the painful things over and over and over again.

You're on drugs. (When I'm clean and refuse to take it back, wont' test, just holds it over my head)
You're so stupid you can't kill yourself right.
I always knew you were a bitch and a whore and a slut...
I am ashamed of the way you live your life.
You do everything for attention. You're just an attention whore.

I guess thats why the step-families emotional abuse hurt so much. Because NO MATTER WHAT I DID, it was wrong. I ate, I was fat. I didn't I had an E.D. I slept in, I was lazy. I didn't, I was sucking up on and on and on and my dad never made it stop.
"Kids will be kids." Not when there is ONE TARGET, deeply depressed and suicidal at 13. Now I don't see them or my dad very often...


I remember... I remember it all. So if you give a damn. THINK! Before you "speak" becuase it can't be taken back and lord knows the damage that can be done.

Well of course it didn't go well. I haven't had ONE good holiday in TWO years.
My brother is always running late and we are always waiting on him. for once he couldn't wait on me. I had lost track of time and had to put make up on. (I have a status quo) to uphold in that family.
So he just up and left without me. Literally 5 minutes, I was there at my dad's after him. It just put a bad light on it all to start.

My step-brother's pregnant gf got engaged for Christmas and my step-sister was there with her bf and his 2 kids.
And there I am alone. No one to protect me....I'm pretty sure there some inside jokes that went over my head.

I'm afraid that BPD is going to keep me alone forever unless I happen to find someone that understands it. I can't believe I messed it up with S. I still cry, not that it matters.


Went and saw my grandma, you know what she doesn't look so bad for having cancer. But she would never admit to feeling sick or anything. But I'm still afraid we are going to lose her.

Lets just say it too 5 cig, 4 k-pins, alcohol and 3 somas to get through that. And talking to friends so I didn't just go off and kill myself.

Well at least with my plan it takes time and thought,maybe enough for me to talk myself out of it ya know.