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I guess thats really what I am. Nothing but an attention whore. I bitch a moan, not knowing I'm really doing it. I just got sick of 8 years of depression of putting on that plastic smile and pretending everything was alright when it was far from.

But really who would want to be around me. I can't blame people for wishing I would just shut the fuck up and go away. Kinda feel like arranging that.

I feel so worthless. What is the point of me interacting with another human being if they are going to grow to hate me, as but as I hate myself maybe.

Whats the point to living like that. And I know its the borderline. I know it is. Not an excuse but a cause.

Christmas eve day and I wish more than I have in the last few days that I would just die. I think some would dance on my grave.
Yay the whiny bitch is dead.

I don't think I'll be posting anywhere anymore other than here. and even here ppl can get sick of me. real life, online, its all the same.

and likely even this entry will be seen as attention seeking when I'm just in pain and feel so incredibly worthless and figure most people dislike me, only few have the ball to say it. And That hurts, do I care what other people think? Yeah I'm human. I care.

I think its time for drugs, what little I have.

Soma, with some benadryl, a lil seroquel, hey it helps with the emotionlessness, and maybe some k-pins if this does cut it...in the end there is always alcohol. Its Christmas I can drink right?
... and chalk this day as a loss.

tis true

does taste

like soup

made o' my face

family matters is on TV...

He died a few hours after I made that last entry. I don't know when the funeral is yet. My mom said she's guessing Tuesday or Wednesday. I don't know if I'll be able to go or not. I have a couple days vacation that I can use still, but I don't know if I can really afford to go.

I'd like to see my family over the holidays, but not under these circumstances. I hate funerals.

For me, being not religious (and traditionally of the jewish persuasion, family-wise), I always considered Christmas to be a special holiday in of itself, beyond its Christian origins. Growing up, yes, we were Jewish, but not really hardcore, and we celebrated Christmas too, but it had nothing to do with Christ. It was just a time to get together and be with family, not to mention open presents, give presents, and have a messy Christmas tree rotting in the corner of the room.

So I have a special place in my heart for Christmas. This year will be the first time I spend it away from family, alone, but heck, I'm content. My 'rents, who weren't in town, just sent me a big Christmas dinner for myself, along with a bottle of wine. I couldn't have asked for anything better, given the circumstances. I'm happy. Alone, but happy. I thought I'd be miserable! No, I realized that I have a good fifty or sixty more Christmases to spend with family. I can miss out on one.

We usually open presents at night so ppl can sleep in. w glasses of wine a a k-pin later I couldn't give a fuck Holidays for the last 2 years have sucked. Last year I was dependent on Xanax and had so much that opening presents was a blurry and this year BL thank you very much you have ruined it. Not to I might have been depressed and suicidal anyway, but I don't know why I bother. I guess I come back to confirm how I see myself. I hear others dislike or even hate me, so it comfirms how I feel about me. Other than that. BL has caused a lot of pain recently. Not that anyone gives a fuck. Personally I was thinking where is Drug Wench when I need her but maybe she would have agreed. Happy fucking holidays. Lets see how much I can remember this year... fuck it.

P.S. I'm angry and hurt and venting get over it.

i am not in the holiday spirit at all. in fact, i haven't even gone shopping for presents. people will get stuff sooner or later

she's cute as hell and lives in the USA
in a state called wisconsin, specifically

thousands of miles, across the pond
one of these days, we will meet, and bond

she likes to trip acid on her own lil' ownsome
but if she came over here we would never be lonesome

from those photos i can tell she has the cutest of asses
but what i really want to do is cum on her glasses



hehe. :D

Well here I am 27 and after all 12 years of sexual activity. I still love me a train wreck.
I'm no player, never claimed to be. I've never even slept with a girl that I didn't end up dating for a while. The thing is every relationship I've ever been in has been with girls/women who were emotionally distressed. One was suicidal another had cripling social anxiety disorder and another had quite possibly the most fucked up family ever and those are just girls I was with for over 3 years. Aside from that I have been the other guy twice with women who had their own relationship issues. I don't want to get any further into their private lives because I do respect them. That's not the point of this anyway(is it?) the point is to find out why I'm attracted to these women when I know full well that it will crash and burn.
To me anyway it seems that I'm bored with mentally healthy women. I'm not the picture of mental health myself (obviously) I'm just very entertained by their lives. I don't try to be their hero, I don't want to be. I'm a voyeur. I'm a scorpio as stupid as that sounds to me. Idk it makes sense to me, I fit the description everyone probably does but whatever.
To the reason I even typed this dribble. A new one, perhaps. O she's a mess this one is. I met her through drugs, which is proof enough aside from that eh... idk she's definitely a mess but maybe she's the right kind of mess for me. Maybe this one will be the kind of mess I need to be entertained. The one that won't bore me with the same old problem, maybe that's what I want is a woman that always has new problems to keep me happy with. Or maybe this one will crash and burn too. O well only one way to find out. Fuck me I always do this. No matter I barely know her anyway...

Well today is my 40th birthday. In November, I celebrate my life in the years following my spinal cord injury. Today, I take stock of my whole life. Being a milestone, I want to see if my life in the pro/con argument can be considered an achievement. It may be too introspective but it is who I am. Also, there may be valid reasons for why they happened. I am not concerned about them right now.

Positives:
- I am on the Board of Directors of a large non-profit in my hometown where I make a significant contribution to the lives of 600 people with disabilities.
- I have developed a friendship with my father such that we can laugh at/with each other.
- I provide on-going peer support to newly injured spinal cord injured enabling their integration into their new life.
- I have achieved outcomes following my injury that surpass most other C6-7 quadriplegics.
- I live completely independent. Again, not many quads can say that.
- I have always had the support of my mother.
- I have the resolve to return to university.
- I have the strength to move from a small community to the largest city in Canada.
- I have the wisdom to maintain/improve my fitness.
- I have played wheelchair rugby on one of the best club teams in the country and am developing a pretty god one here in Toronto.
- I can talk to almost anybody about almost anything.

Negatives:
- I have had addictions for most of my life.
- I have lied and cheated people about those addiction such that it has cost me a lot of friends.
- I never developed a proper relationship with my father for the first 38 years of my life.
- I feel a gnawing that if not for getting help when I needed it, when I was a teenager, the sky would have been the limit.
- I have not developed friends that I can confide anything and everything to.
- I have been single all my life never understanding my true self.

So in sum, do I feel as if I am successful as I hit the big 4-0? Yes, I do. All my “bad” has been surrounded by a lot of good. I must remember that the list I have generated is filled with positives that far outweigh the negatives. I must also remember to look forward and not back. Looking backwards only instigates the negativity and the self-doubt.

Believe in and trust yourself.

"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me." Stuart Smalley

That the problem the crying and the emotionally needing to much. He had hoped that I could check in after the holidays.

OH yeah and thats just going to magically make it all better. "Hey mom, I'm depresses and want to kill myself. Please take me to this hospital." Yeah it works like that.

I would check myself in myself but I can't drive to the one I want to go to because I can't drive worth shit.

Don't have a job to pay the bill for it. And personally idk. I don't want to work,I'm not motivated and of course that came up and made me feel even more worthless.

I'm so dissociated, so empty, I think I'll just crawl back into my cave and sleep another 12 hours...

Thanks for your welcomes...and your warnings. But I assure you I wasn't going to appear until I was stable.

I'm doing alright for the most part...things get a little boring here...the Christmas thing is coming up, but more importantly Hannukah! A festival of miracles and victory. How relevant, as well as being an interesting counterpoint to the "meek inheriting the earth". Bullshit.:D

I relapsed this morning, stupid thing to do.
I wasn't thinking straight, I was in a terrible mood and without really thinking it over I automatically went an bought a G of shards, and borrowed a pipe.
So then I just sat there at my dealers place with him and smoked a point or so, I got outside and just cried for being so dumb. I don't need it, but it has a tight grip on me, not to be released for a long time.
I never used the believe all the meth horror stories such as 'you get addicted from the first go!'
'it makes you look 20 years older!'
'you get meth mouth straight away'
'it ruins your life'

& admittedly most of them ARE a load of shit, trying to scare kids away from trying ice.
but the last one, 'it ruins your life', if you control it .. no. It is fine. But when you let it run your emotions, become completely and utterly dependent on it for happiness, normality.. it rips out your soul and forever holds a piece of it, never to return to you.
Whenever I need to remind myself I read this poem .. it hits home hard..

I destroy homes – I tear families apart.

I take your children and that's just a start.

I'm more valued than diamonds, more precious than gold.

The sorrow I bring is a sight to behold.

If you need me, remember, I'm easily found.

I live all around you, in school and in town.

I live with the rich, I live with the poor.

I live just down the street and maybe next door.

I'm made in a lab, but not one like you think.

I can be made under the kitchen sink,

In your child's closet, and even out in the woods.

If this scares you to death, then it certainly should.

I have many names. But there's one you'll know best.

I'm sure you've heard of me, my name is Crystal Meth.

My power is awesome, try me, you'll see.

But if you do, you may never break free.

Just try me once and I might let you go.

But if you try me twice, then I'll own your soul.

When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie.

You'll do what you have to do, just to get high.

The crimes you commit for my narcotic charms,

Will be worth the pleasures you feel in my arms.

You'll lie to your mother; you'll steal from your dad.

When you see their tears, you must not feel sad.

Just forget your morals and how you were raised.

I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways.

I take kids from their parents; I take parents from their kids.

I turn people from God, I separate friends.

I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride.

I'll be with you always, right by your side.

You'll give up everything, your family, your home.

Your money, your true friend, then you'll be alone.

I'll take and take till you have no more to give.

When I finish with you, you'll be lucky to live.

If you try me, be warned, this is not a game.

If I'm given the chance, I'll drive you insane.

I'll ravage your body; I'll control your mind.

I'll own you completely; your soul will be mine.

The nightmares I'll give you when you're lying in bed,

And the voices you'll hear from inside your head.

The sweats, the shakes, and the visions from me.

I want you to know these things are gifts from me.

But then it's too late, and you'll know in your heart

That you are now mine and we shall not part.

You'll regret that you tried me (they always do).

But you came to me, not I to you.

You knew this would happen.

Many times you've been told.

But you challenged my power,

You chose to be bold.

You could have said no and then walked away.

If you could live that day over now, what would you say?

My power is awesome, as I told you before.

I can take your life and make it so dim and sore.

I'll be your master and you'll be my slave.

I'll even go with you when you go to your grave.

Now that you've met me, what will you do?

Will you try me or not? It's all up to you.

I can show you more misery than words can tell.

Come take my hand, let me lead you to HELL.



back to where I begun.. but i'll do ok. i just feel super guilty , let MYSELF down, and everyone who tried to help me..
but when you fall you pick yourself up and carry on..thats what i shall do.

So looking back on this last year there has been many changes in my life, Some of them good some of them bad. Here is just a quick update on this year if you where curious at all =)

I started the year off going through some hard times trying to help a friend out with her meth addiction.
I learned a lot from that experience and it helped me grow as a person.

I lost some close friends and I gained some new ones. Overall I am really happy how that all turned out. I guess you could say I had been in contact with some people who I thought where my friends and who where looking out for me but I was wrong.

I have been working close to 50-60 hours per week this year and I have to say I really enjoy it and I am turning into a workaholic. Some days the stress really gets to me and I know I could use some vacation but I think it is for the best. Work keeps me out of trouble and that is great for me. I can say my career is secure and I will be working at my place of business the rest of my life and I am really happy with that and look forward to my future and moving up in the company!

I have got back into going to the gym again. I had really backed off of it since high school football. It feels good to be healthy and getting to be fit again. I also have been tanning and getting massages on the regular. I have always wanted to do all that stuff and it helps so much with my stress and it makes me feel great. (Feels good man)

I had a good friend pass away early this year in a work related accident. It effected a lot of my friends and myself. It really made me think about what I was doing with my life and that at any time we can be taken away from everyone we love and we have to make the best of the time we are here.


I did a bunch of traveling this year as well. I went to Portland Oregon, Washington, Mexico, Canada, Las Vegas Nevada, Utah, Phoenix/Flagstaff Arizona, Albuquerque/ Roswell New Mexico, Texas, Northern California. I had a great time and got to meet family I had not seen in a long time.

I got to see some great bands as well this year like Nine Inch Nails , Foo Fighters, Mickey Avalon, Three Six Mafia , MC Chris, As I lay dying, Neil Young, Zebra Head, Unwritten Law, Beardo, Smashing Pumpkins, Flobots, Daft Punk, MGMT , Bad Religon, Senses Fail, Rise Against, Atmosphere. I got a bunch of great pictures and had a great time!

I also got to see some great stand up shows like Dane Cook, Katt Wiliams, Daniel Tosh and a few others I cant remember but I had an awesome time there with friends!


Along with concerts I got to see a bunch of Anaheim Ducks games I was really excited to see because I really enjoy hockey. We went to a few Lakers games this season as well and I think we are going to have a great season and get us another championship ring back in Los Angeles!

School has been going great I have been fitting in classes at night after work its been pretty hard but I have been getting it done keeping a 4.0 so I am really happy about that along with my work things are going great.


I have been looking for my own house or apartment to move into in the next couple months so that will be a exciting experience being back out on my own again. I really cant wait!

So to end this blog there is something else to add to my 2008.

I meet a Wonderful and Beautiful girl that I am really falling for. She is everything I have been looking for and she drives me crazy and blows my mind. She lives on the east coast but we are making it work because we really enjoy each other and want to be together. I thank God that I have found someone that I really care for and she feels the same way about me its a great feeling. I cant wait to spend more time with this girl and I miss her everyday.


So that pretty much was my 2008 I will be adding stuff I am sure but that is just a quick but long up date =) Thanks for reading and I hope your 2008 was a great one.

Peace,

Walks

Still Wednesday December 24th, 2008 and it is now 12:18 PM here in the Philippines.

Still waiting for the driver to retrun with Rizza, et al on the way from Nasapit. Why am I staying close to home if the Cease Fire is on? Well, the Army has officially declared a Cease Fire as well, funny, both unilaterally declared. Only for 12/24, 12/25 and 1/01 though, BUT will continue on Routine Patrols and since they often come across NPA elements, as well as coming under attack from the MILF, etc in the Muslim areas, it is not really good to be up and about for a person such as myself (who clearly is not Filipino).

As I said, one of the current NPA POWs was snatched from an NPA Check Point, and since Check Points are a way of life here I do not need to get into a fire fight if at all avoidable.

Speaking of POWs, that particular POW is being released on account of the holidays, according to the NPA who have just announced it very early this morning. I would expect he is on his way to freedom as I write this. The Special Forces officer though is not being released, not yet anyway.

They found a bomb yesterday on a bus in Zamboanga, made out of TWO 60 MM mortar shells. That would have easily killed everyone on the bus had it detonated.

Since I talked about the 2nd IED (bomb) in Iligan City, more have been found. Sunday morning a scavenger (the very poor live horrible lives here) , 10 years old, found a another papaya bomb , this one made from another 81 MM mortar shell but this time run through a 9V battery, so similar to the last 2 Iligan IEDs, but not with the same "signature" (which means "style"). Luckily they disposed of it before it detonated.

That is the 4th bomb there, although only the first has detonated. One of the 2 critically injured has died bringing the 1st bomb's toll to 3 people. The
3rd IED which I have not talked about in detail was found on 12/20 in an internet cafe in the city, again detonated with no harm.


Funny that that foreigner thought it so safe in Iligan. Just goes to show I suppose.

In Lanao del Norte , near Cagayan, in a Christian (Bisaya) village that I have spoken of recently (Salvador), the MILF's 102nd is still waging heavy firefights with the Army. They began again on 12/20 and just about 24 hours a day since ,there have been running engagements. The Army is employing their standard 105 MM Howitzers, as well as AV10 jets, and of course the gunships.

The official dead are 17 Army, 1 CAFGU (pro-Govt paramilitary) but the actual toll is said to be well over 100. No word on at all on MILF casualties but they usually fare better knowing the terrain as they do.

Davao City, as I have said before, is usually free of the "Troubles." In years past it was terrible both with the NPA which actually ran most of the city, as well as the Muslim groups, as in the infamous Davo International Airport Terminal Bombing.


In the very late 1980s a paramilitary named "Alsa Masa" formed and with heavy street to street fighting managed to retake the city which is no mean feat given the fact that Davao is ranked largest city in the world in terms of actual area. The paramilitary in question was a Bisaya group and was tied to many atrocities, but then so were the NPA at that time. They just found another "Killing Field" , in Davao, just this week.

I have spoken, in other entries, about the NPA's "Rectification Campaign" of the late 80s and very early 90s. Factional infighting had wracked the group and so under the guise of cleaning house (supposedly all Deep Pentration govt. agents), they murdered entire families, etc.

For ridding Davao City of all communist rebellion then Presdeint Aquino publicly applauded the paramilitary and said that the country will forever be in their debt.

Then, with Shabu (smokable methamphetamine, very similar to "Ice" but much purer than any product found on the streets of the West) leading to an explosion in street crime a mayor came to power, the same one ruling today. I will not mention him by name, but he is incredibly powerful and what SOME may call a "warl-rd."

He begged Chinese shabu manufactuers to set up shoppe in Davao City so he could personally lock their doors and set fire to their buildings as they were inside. In another infamous incident he was personally in a copter, ALLEGEDLY, that dropped 2 victims of Extra-Judicial Killings into the bay off his city.

HE is very adept politically though. Doing something no other mayor had thought to do. Having otten rid of the NPA when he was associated with the paramilitary before his term, he appointed a powerful Muslim leader, and a powerful tribal (Lumad) leader as his co-mayors. This led to a cessation of almost all violence.

Another factor is the heavily armed paramilitary and army presence in the city but that is to be expected on this island.

However, last spring violence began in Davao City once again. From August to this month it has been relatively quiet within Davao City limits, but it is clear now that the NPA is once again established in at least one part of the city, on the outskirts but that is how it usually starts as far as infiltration.

This morning, at daybreak in Bukidnon the 29th infantry on Routine Patrol intercepted an NPA patrol, 25 strong and they engaged them killing 2 NPA. No word on army casualties if any.

North of me, over the line into Agusan del Norte (I live in Agusan del Sur), in Tubay village late last night the NPA raided a police garrison and stole its entire armoury and then attacked a local mining company owned by a local politican. Villagers had protested the mining company's methods and got firebombed for their trouble. The NPA burned a few million US dollars worth of equipment in retaliation. I guess they wanted to accomplish that last offencive before the Cease Fire kicked in.

In just that region, Front 21 of the NPA has iniated 26 Offencive Tactical Operations since the beginnong of the year. That means a major engagement once every 2 weeks! The govt. has succeeded in neutralising the other major communist insurgency here (RM-M AKA Revolutionary Movement of Mindanao) but the NPA has only got much, much, much stronger.

I need to be careful about what I say but some feel that this is clearly due to the current govt's refusal to deal with the NPA, and having gotten the US and EU to declare it a formal terrorist organisation.

RM-M was neutralised in the same manner as the 3rd communist guerilla army, although that 3rd group (ABB) was much more active on te northen islands . Both were engaged politically, and ended up signing an Unlimited Cease Fire memorandum. With the NPA they have moved in the other extreme and it has led to incredible gains by the group. They now run most of Comval Province, the one just north of us (Trento, Monkayo, Montevista, and New Bataan villages are all under NPA control although it is as a shadow govt. and not de facto control in the strictest sense. Officials though are unable to move in daylight and even under cover of darkness must utilise standard convoy procedure).

The NPA has also made huge gains on Negros Island but any points north are pretty much only with a superficial presence if any NPA presence at all.

If Mindanao was not so rich in resources (gold, silver, othe rminerals, lumber, rice, coffee, bananas, copra and palm oil) I believe that the Philippines would have already ceded it to the Muslims.

A little known fact is the issue of UN and EU support for the island. The EU just passed a 2.5 million Euro package for food and other neccessities for those civlians now living in Refugee Centers and Camps on Mindanao. It is also giving 1 million to NGOs to try and effect peace (yeah, good luck). Since August they have given 6.5 million other Euros so they at least are doing something.

The UN had a truck strafed yesterday in Calanogas village in Lanao del Sur. The truck, operated by the UNWFP (UN World Food Programme) was going to pick up food for refugees when it passed an Infantry base and was strafed by machine gun. One man was killed.

So...I am hoping that it is peaceful for the next week or so, and that no groups try and take advantage in lapses of routine to iniate any operations. However the MILF has not vowed to iniate or abide by any Cease Fire and so Muslim areas at least will probably see no respite. As well, the govt. had promised them last Ramadan to not engage them during the month long holiday but then ran bombing runs by jet! So, one can only guess what will happen.

On that note I bid adieu.

If I were an animal, I would definately like to be a cloven footed animal, a domestic one, used for breeding purposes rather than meat of course as it is not my dream to end up hanging up side down off a hook with no skin on.

That would be rather undignified.

I would like to sit there in my comfort zone, in a nice afternoon breeze under my gum tree and feel nothing but contentment in the world.

My little white fence surrounding my paddock would be nothing but a token symbol of safety, the carnivores COULD possibly get in but Id feel no worry as I chew my cud, thinking pleasant thoughts about how wonderful the day is, as my clalf bleats every so often for milk.

What a life those animals lead, not a worry in the world really.

Thats why I feel getting a full frontal lobotomy is a good idea. Ignorance is bliss as they say, if you don't know about issues or people who would otherwise annoy you with their presence, then what is there to worry about? Nothing.

I have not seen "One flew over the Cuckoo's nest" but I will have to ask Dinkus if he could possibly download it for me as its something I have always wanted to see.

I wonder what he would think of having a drooling, opinionless, problem free girlfriend? Would it turn him on to change my nappy?

I wouldnt reall y want to poo my pants and have to tell him about it, but then again a blithering simpleton couldnt really speak anyway so I wouldnt be all embarassed.

I dont think it would be much fun to have a girlfriend who could not walk, go potty, speak or feel any form of emotion.

But it is not fun for a guy to have a girlfriend who has TOO MUCH emotion.
I have been an emotional wreck as of late. While some of that is understandable due to the fact I have been in recovery from that thing that I did, and am getting over a decade of addiction.

But its not his problem is it? I dont really want to trek back through the muddy swill that has been the last month- 2 months. There are too many factors involved, too many people putting their influence on a situation that was not theirs to add to.

I don't think its necessary for me to know about things I would get upset about, as once you know something for sure it does affect how you see things, well maybe anyway.

All I know is what I told him already. I love him. I want us to both be happy.

It makes me happy to talk to him. Its like he is the breeze that surrounds me in positive thoughts, love and comfort.

I do sit here and ruminate a lot about things I want to do in life, I had a lot of time to figure it out. I knew I was going down the wrong road to achieve true happiness. I need people I love and trust in my life, just like anybody else does. I am getting those people now and always have had those people around me.

I am happy today, sitting here under my virtual tree in my virtual field in the afternoon breeze.

Maybe I wont be needing my lobotomy after all, and will use my frontal lobes for good living instead of destruction by meth.

I love you Dinkus.

(I am a cow with a lobotomy!! WTF I is weird)

Well I had also 2 good days. Not suicidal, not really depressed. And for some reason now, I'm sinking again. I had my hopes up that the meds were working. I was only like a 2 or 3 out of 5 on suicidal, but when I read this.

http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/showthread.php?t=410846

I had to stop and think. I may ruin and hate my life, why do it to someone else. I guess maybe its something I should re-read later huh?

Or do it far far away so my family doesn't find me. But someone has to ID the body and the funeral and all that. I posted on the thread on the outcome of me not being here COULD be...its not pretty...

Idk, Ambien and sleep and make the pain go away.

Today is Thursday, December 24th, 2008 and it is now 10:54 AM here in the Philippines.

Music wise, I have been listening to one of my favorite bands, the German industrial outfit "Rammstein" (pronounced phonetically, "Vamm-Shtine" for English speakers).
The band has at times gotten a bad rap because of its clean cut appearance and heavily Teutonic themed imagery both in its music and videos.

Contrary to some opinion, the band is neither Neo-Nazi nor even overtly political. Like alot of Industrial bands they deal in dark almost Gothic themes, but with a modern sheen.

The song I have chosen is "Mutter," one of their biggest hits which came out I believe in 2001. I will post the link, and then the lyrics in English, which I have taken the time to translate idiomatically since the German does not translate well AT ALL, sort of like Japanese signs (smile).

I also want to note that I should have posted it on Mother's Day but just could not wait.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJebY9c-x6A

Lyrics in English:

The sadness of a child no longer young or remembering

I wear my tears across my grey hair, a wet chain

I throw that wet chain up in the air and wish I had no mother

No sun shines for me

No breast to feed me

My throat is choked up

Born without connection

Mother

She denied me succor

Never tucked me in

My father never gave me his name

Fathered in haste and without feeling

But oh...For the mother who was never there

I have vowed tonight

I wish her pain

I wish to help her drown in that pain and afterwards hold her head down underneath the water

Mother

Now her body rots with vermin

What is left to connect us

I will cut with a knife that loves me more, even if it causes me to die.

Onto a more cheerful song perhaps, I have always liked Johnny Cash, but his work with producer Rick Rubin (original Beastie Boys producer, one of the co-founders of Def Jam, etc)
was superb and a perfect way perhaps to leave the world.

Cash was part of the movement in Country Music known as "Outlaw Country," which was the genre associated with Waylon Jennings, Willy Nelson, Hank Williams Jr.and Kris Kristofferson among others. He ws also a drug addict for most of his adult life.

His wife June Carter is in this video, watching him and the words though not written by him are oh so poignant if you care to listen. Since they are in English I will not transscribe them, but they apply to all addicts, and any life misspent to some degree.

The song is one written by Trent Reznor and originally done by Reznor , as "Nine Inch Nails," another Industrial band/performer. Funny rumor about the original song as well; Reznor needed money because he was in W/D from heroin, in LA< and sold the song after he used it on an album of course, for a single bottle of Oxycontin! Supposedly Cash and Rick Rubin went, with bodyguards and tracked down the dealer and beat him into submission after which he wigned over rights to the song. It would be easy to disprove the rumor but I do not have the energy (smile).

I happen to prefer Cash's rendition much more than the original though.

Well, this url does not work so if you wish to see the video, it is on Youtube. Simply use the following keywords: johnny cash hurt (sic)

Book wise I have been reading "Murcheston: The Wolf's Tale" by David Holland. Published by Forge in 2000 the book is suprisingly VERY WELL written. It is a gothic horror book, taking place in England and is about a werewolf. I usually find the genre pretty hoky/corny but this book really is incredible.

So, today is the first day in the NPA unilateral Cease Fire and I am very happy but still playing it close to home. I did not even go to pick up Rizza, et al from the ferry (she left one day late with everyone else). The ferry usually arrives right around daybreak, but there is always confusion in the port, Nasapit.

That is another locale I need to photograph. I really like the village, reminds me of how Mindanao used to be, along with much of SE Asia. Not that Westernised, a true SE Asian village physically and one of the rare places in this country where you can find a wealth of tropical hardwoods used in construction. Teak is a great tree, perhaps my favourite tree.

Some expats travel throughout SE Asia buying up old teak, entire houses, and selling it for lumber as is since antqiue teak costs a fortune in NYC. Although Art Deco is my favourite form of architecture (another reason why I love Cambodia and Laos) , SE Asian teak , in various architecutral styles comes in a close second.

Our chief driver is on the way back to us now with Rizza, my second eldest brother-in-law Nigel, and Rizza's nanny. I have not seen Rizza since her last break from school, about 4 weeks now and I miss her of course.

WE have been married since she was 16, and I was almost 33. I am now going to be 42, just about 9 years have passed!!! By now we had hoped to have at least 6 children (Rizza wants a huge family thank G-D) but I have been remiss.

Up until the summer of 2006 I worked seasonally in NYC as an Excavation Labourer in Local 731 NYC (Excavator and Concrete Laborer {sic}) and primarily worked underground, building tunnels and caissons for bridges. I have a higher education, a BS and almost my Masters in Ethno-Botany but believe it or not my last union scale was a total of 55 US dollars and change per hour (including my supplemental hourly pay which for tax reasons is paid directly from the union and not site employer).

On jobs like WTC, after 9/11 where I worked 16 hours a day, 7 days a week, I was making roughly 4700 US a week!!! It is incredible pay but also incredibly dangerous work and so I earned my keep. History Channel now does a show on my union and Local 147, "Sandhogs" as our type of works and worker is known.

I also had, as I advanced in age, increasing shares of my Clan's finances. We are given shares, modeled on a corporate structure. Then, I invested heavily and also bought into my in-laws very small buisness and since we have amassed quite a nice portfolio.

So...In July, 2006 when Israel invaded Lebanon and I rushed home like all Reserve Soldiers I fought in Lebanon (once again). As a result I decided to just retire from my construction job. I had been going to NYC as I said seasonally, and between that and my Reserve military service in Israel had little chance of realising our dream to start a family.

Rizza wanted babies even before we had our religious marriage, actually since we began our actual relationship when she was 15. I though it more prudent for her to finish her education. She graduated from High School at age 16, like most people here, and then went on to get her Computer degree at San Carlos, a decent university in Cebu City on Cebu.

She is now on her second degree (Nursing now, at Southwestern also in Cebu, where Nigel where graduate, also as a nurse, this spring).

However, she is always very sad because we have no children. We have now decided to practive "Niddui" (pronounced "Nih'doo'ee), which is a subsection of Jewish Law known as "Family Purity" in English. in it a man must sleep in a separate room as soon as his wife spots blood from menstuaration or any other vaginal spotting shows. There after he must stay in the other room until 7 days after the last spotting. In other words, the day her bleeding ends, we must count 7 full days while she checks careully in a ritualised manner for any spotting. If on the 5th day clear she spots again, 7 days begin again. After she has remained spotless for 7 days she must ritually wash in natural flowing water snd thoroughly cleanse herself.

Some Jewish schools, like the so called "Karaites" actually move into different houses or buildings when mensturating and do not even see their men.

In our case I cannot even sit next to Rizza during this time, or even have her pass me something because she is ritually "unclean." This has been the hardest on Rizza because she is extremely affectionate to me but she wants children as I said.

What does "Niddui" have to do with children? Well, in further proof that the Bible is not what it seems to be to non-believers, the ritualisation means that the first day together as man and wife after the 7 days coincides normally, with a woman's natural ovulation. She tends to get pregnant easiest at the time stated. This is why most religious Jews have at least 8 children.

The Jewish faith is very down to earth. It is not prudish at all in fact we are commanded to have sex on the Sabbath (Karaites hold to the opposite, that they are fobidden), as well as every day that our wives wish to have it, as well as much as every day of the week if students and other scheduales if in other professions.

We have ALOT of rituals, such as not touching our women in public, etc but alone? It is on! Hahahah. True though. Rizza and I however do not go that far, we touch in public because she would not have it any other way. She is very insecure so I think that may play a part in it.

I will close here because of the character count and start a following entry...

Well, Tuesday I went to the doctor after a SIX NIGHT meth binge, prescribed valium for the withdrawals, advised me on the proper ways to deal with them, made an appointment in one week to check my kidneys/mental state, possibly prescribing an anti-depressant.
Needless to say, Tuesday afternoon/night I crashed. Hard. What goes up must come down, and this was absolutely awful. Slept for 20 hours,woke up in a rigid position, bit scared! Feeling nauseous, stabbing migraine, not the greatest fun.
Spent the rest of Wednesday crying, panicking about whether I was going to die (I knew I wasn't, but I have GAD and I freaked out)
BUT I managed to get through my first meth free day in SIX YEARS. I was pretty fucking proud, although I was craving it worse than anything and fucking wanted to call up my dealer so badly, but I didn't. I sat and watched 'Sex & The City' with their drug free happy lives (except when she gets left at the altar, ouchie)
Friend came over last night, bought me chocolates which I devoured on the spot, and sat with me 'til I fell asleep.
Valium has been a lifesaver with the muscle cramps/getting to sleep,very glad I didn't do this by myself.
I have smoked about 70 cigarettes, but hey I'll kick that later hahaha.
Today I am feeling crappy still .. but its my 3rd meth free day and I'm pretty fucking happy about that, even though I am feeling lower than low that makes me feel a bit better.

But, it has constantly been on my mind. Everything reminds me of it.. I just keep picturing the swirling smoke in the pipe and it's driving me crazy. I think of something totally unrelated and my mind goes back to it automatically, argh!
Thats the biggest hurdle. Trying to stop dreaming about it! It feels like you have broken up with someone you live with..yet you still live with them for awhile.. then one day they pack up and go and you realise you weren't as ready as you thought you were, and want them back

Anyway my lovelies I shall update tomorrow, see if the withdrawals go away! I've been loading myself up with valium and nurofen plus.. considering buying a few grams of weed for the next few days.
And I will continue to eat mango gelati, I have been scoffing myself on it.. yum yum Staying AWAY from the scales at all costs, I'll think about nutrition later .. 'cos it'll just anger me and I don't need that putting me off

Thank-you guys so much for the support, it's very helpful.

Claire.

I think I had "manic" day.
I spend all day cleaning the house. I cleaned every room in the house
Did ALL the laundry, and making dinner.
Partly so my mom would have no stress because we have all been struggling.
Then my brother comes home, is an asshole as usual.
Now shes in the other room crying. So much for busting my ass...

I'd I guess I crave such praise and affection, that even if she did give me some it might not even been enough anyway. Pathetic huh?

I'm so tired, but still wired. Its strange. My mood just swings so much...

I am feeling the need to express how much I love him but don't really know how to do that without fucking it up, annoying him or generally sounding like a dick head.

But I just love him, a lot and am full of excitement and hope we will one day be happy together.

I have this little scenario playing in my head where we are lying together in each others arms after having made love, the sun is shining, the windows are open and there are kids playing on the lawn, the house is sparkling and we are happy and content.

I wonder if this is just a dream or a vision of the future?

I am known for my wild imagination and oddness.

But the dream of having him as my life partner and being in love and happy is not so strange. Is this what I want?

Yes, it is.

I love you Tom

Goodnight.

Going home tomorrow for a week.

This week is more than a chore, it causes crazy feelings of dread through every December.

All there strange men and women who make up my family and nephews and nieces who take an hour or so to figure out justwho I am.

And we all go through our little charades just perfectly and fights break out the day after before we all make our plans to flee.

This the last year. This time next year I intend to be living on a different fucking continent, getting a suntan.

well today i slept basically all day after being fucked up yesterday .. i'm getting w/d's today but definitely nowhere near as strong as the first go!
slight nausea, vomited a bit..
bit of a migraine but thats about it.
sore crampy muscles too, nothing unbearable.
the worst thing is the cravings but i can hold them off, i need to if im gonna get anywhere.
i just chilled today, got a surprise visit from a friend which was nice. stayed for a coffee and a smoke but then he had to go somewhere else.
tonight im visiting a few mates..i told them not to smoke around me, but they're good mates i've known for ages so i'm 99.9% sure they won't.
i'm feeling better after the let-down yesterday, if anything its made me want to touch it even less. i was pretty sure i couldn't do it all in one shot anyway.. but i've had my relapse, heres hoping there isn't anymore to come

http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/showthread.php?t=408116

Since ppl finally got sick of my shit. Leave comment and and I might comment back or post a new blog. Or perhaps its better to give it up all together.

I put myself out there too much. I opened up and let down walls that got me hurt, when I was already hurting.

I was too emotionally dependent on him. And who could blame him. What pressure to be someone's reason for living.

The sex was a really bad idea. He thought "it would bring us closer", and swears its not a line. I never took him for the type like that. And we did go out and have a good night with friends
afterwards so it wasn't like he just kicked me out.

It wasn't even good....I miss sex with my ex thats for sure. That was to die for. But even old dogs can be taught new tricks if it works out.

And if it doesn't SOMEHOW I HAVE to learn to be ok with that. I have to learn to love myself but I don't know how, so I look for it in others.

Maybe I can see a more true reflection in their eyes of who I really am.
OK I'm out before I cry...