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Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't try and jump into BL. A huge chunk of what I read here comes from people addicted to something harder than my smoking habit, or folks in the "take as much as I can at once and get totally fucked!!1" stage.

Then I look back at what I've done:
Cigarettes
Alcohol
Valium
Quaaludes
Black Beauties
Marijuana/Hash
Mushrooms
LSD
Coke
Crank
Meth
MDMA

I managed to get off amphetamines, and never really cared for hallucinations, so smoking and MDMA is it now.

I can see doing this someday. I need to help myself first though...

HUMAN SERVICES - DRUG & ALCOHOL STUDIES OPTION (A.A.S.)

Purpose:
The Human Services-Drug and Alcohol Studies option is
designed to prepare graduates for human services careers in
programs, facilities and agencies concerned with treating and/or
preventing drug/alcohol abuse or addiction.

Program Objectives:
These are the same or similar to the Human Service Program,
except that the emphasis is placed on understanding drug/alcohol
abuse and addictions, treatment and prevention programs, and
issues associated with working with these populations.

god DAMN its late son.

I need to go to sleep now.


but I don't want to.

I think I will.

goodnight BlueLight.

I got paid yesterday ($90 for two days of babysitting) and my mom keeps ahold of it usually (so I can't use drugs) but she never asked for it yesterday, so I was gonna give my boy $50 to grab some dope and then just hope she didn't ask.

Well, first, I had to go to the pharmacy to pick up a script, and while I waiting in line, I see the dude in front of me (I assume it was him) dropped two $100 bills. My friend was with me and I knew I couldn't just take all of it because she would totally look down on me, but I did grab both, stuck one with the rest of my change and then pretended to hand him both and ask if they were his. He said "oh yeah thanks" like it was no big deal.

I hope I am not going to hell for that, but I sure FEEL pretty great right now

Of course, my boy was like "you should have taken it ALL---losers weepers!" but I felt I needed some redeeming quality.

"Men in particular need to look past all your imperfections and mental flaws to see that beauty is trapped inside you and only a great person daring enough to tempt it will be able to get it out of you to full understand your greatness."

Just another broken angel:
I've always seen myself as like the angel from Dogma that with the wings ripped off....but I never did it..others did a part a time, and now the bleeding never stops and to be touched can be extremely painful. Others see those things and it scares them, and I can't fly away from it anymore even though I want to.

"You need to know that whomever keeps your heart someday will have a pair of wings waiting for you because he will be able to help you forget about problems of your current life and all you'll think about is love for him and the love he has to give for you."

'M' stopped by my work and grabbed my house keys. I got home later and WOW! She cleaned the shit out of my downstairs and organized a bunch of stuff.

Environment definitely plays a factor on my moods. I moved from Colorado to Pennsylvania in September and have been overwhelmed with the seemingly impossible task of keeping up with things.

She wanted to motivate me and she certainly did! Tomorrow I plan on taking care of the upstairs. I figure once this is all squared away it will be sooooo much easier if I just keep up with things.

Wow! The place feels so different (in a great way!). Curtains are hung, the floor is vacuumed, EVERYTHING!

Man, I'm very grateful!

Thanks 'M'!!!!!!

last year was a whirlwind of a year... i started grad school, dropped out, entertained thoughts of breaking up. quit one job, got a new one, quit it after two months, got another job. declared that i was moving across country. got engaged instead of breaking up, still moved. restarted a new grad program, got a new job and set up a new life. began working out and trying to not eat like utter shite and drink less.

i'm hoping in 2009 to sort out my finances, do well in school, and keep up with my good habits. so far, things are looking good

Not only did I manage to wake up after three 9-minute snoozes ONLY (usually I end up snoozing for an hour or more), do some yoga AND meditate for 20 minutes, but I'm also going to a meditation class today, and I just signed up for a six-week Tai Chi and Qi-Gong course! I'm looking into belly dancing classes as well, and might take up a pole dancing class with a uni friend.

I've just become such a hermit lately... And my life has stagnated, so I just need to force myself out to do things, especially things that aren't alcohol-related. I partly feel like ending my hermitry (is that a word?), but I know meeting up with most of my friends will involve going out and drinking. Which takes up so much money and time, and doesn't improve my moods much. After not drinking for one week when I was on Holiday in Sweden, I realised how much more stable I feel without alcohol. Not saying I'm giving it up for good, I just want to reduce the number of situations in which I drink.

And as for being a hermit, well, I still feel like being alone most of the time, but lately I've started feeling somewhat guilty about that, or suspecting that it's becoming an unhealthy habit, hence taking up new hobbies that will force me to *gulp* socialise with strangers.

So that's basically what's happening in my life. As for my love life, I'm giving that a rest too. I've professed my love for being single for the past half year, but I recently realised that I haven't been SINGLE single for that whole period of time. Even though I've remained unattached, there's always been some handsome monsieur to occupy my thoughts. From my animal Swedish ex, to the 37 year old separated-but-still-living-with-wife-and-kids South African, to the Iranian Swede that I fell hard and intensely for (first kiss at a bluelight meetup, spent the rest of the week together, flew to Gothenburg to visit him a couple of weeks later, realised that our personalities were quite incompatible) to L, the cute customer who had been asking me out for ages, which I finally agreed to, and ended up exploring watersports fetishes with on the first date(!). I'm still sort of seeing L, but I suspect his interest for me has dwindled, strangely enough, since he seemed so keen. The only reason I can think of is that I told him that under no circumstances do I want to get serious with anyone, while he did want to get serious with me... That, and that the inklings he got about my sexual past intimidated him a little bit. He's a really nice guy, but I think I'm ready to be just SINGLE single for now. Almost celibate, even.

Although I do intend to take things further with the hottie that I got a new year's kiss from. So that kind of contradicts what I just said. Hm. But that technically doesn't count because it's "unfinished business". I can't leave things half done now can I?

i have like 100 hours of community service for the next two years to complete... i don't have a set time i have to complete them by... i don't have a work schedule at my community service place, i'm told i can come in whenever i can make it, but apparently the stupid community service officer for my city sent a non-compliance notice to my p.o for not doing any hours in november... wtf... how can this be... i don't even know how this probation shit really works... i don't know if its up to my p.o to violate me... or if she is forced by law to violate me ... fuck ... i'm so pissed... i want some xanax right the fuck now....

I met someone, Sean. Things are going well. I tried to write more but it keeps deleting it...

Months later, what a wonderful find he turned out to be. I just hope I'm lucky enough to keep him.

As much as I love and am grateful for EFT (emotional freedom technique), it has increased my obsession with 'self-improvement', and has led me to think more about the things I need to fix with myself. Obviously, this has led to much frustration, because it makes me focus less on the ways my life has improved, and more on the faults I have left. Which makes it all the more difficult to find happiness, because desire breeds desire, which eventually (for me anyway) leads to stagnation, because it becomes more impossible to get to those goals when you're either a) daydreaming about how perfect your life will be in that far-off future or b) despairing because you're nowhere near that goal.

So enough of all that bullshit, it just leads to procrastination. In the midst of my frantic search for self-improvement websites, I came across this one: http://anmolmehta.com/ which led to my realisation that I need to concentrate less on "fixing" and more on being. So, with that said, I am finally going to start meditating. I've never really suceeded in meditating for more than 5 minutes before, and even then it was just frustrating, but I'm going to an hour long meditation session in my neighbourhood tomorrow, so that might help get me started. Plus I'm going to take up my morning yoga again, and try meditating after that.

I still can't wait for my next EFT session with my therapist though . The four sessions I've had with her have helped me immensely. A huge chunk of my generalised anxiety is gone (although it was mild to begin with, but the weeks after I quit taking GBL were quite bad, and after seeing her I felt great). There's still some stuff to work with, but I think for now I will take the backseat and stop focusing on working with this stuff on my own so much, because although I have had some successes (the chronic thrush that I've had for five years, gone after a two hour session I did by myself. Success! :D), it would do me good to stop obsessing with self-improvement.

So now I'm just hoping I'll be able to get up early to do my yoga. Better start with that, and only sneak the meditation in after I've become used to doing yoga again - at least I know yoga is something I enjoy doing!

I wonder if in 6,992 years...we'll still have the "It's over NINE-THOUSANNNNNNNND!" meme...and I wonder if it will be broadcast over whatever communication systems we have...I thought it was funny.

I have done my damndest to keep away from people lately as Im just not sociable.

But they drop in randomly and this visit in particular wasa reminder that temptation comes from any source!

Ali was drunk and out partying, I was supposed to go to a new year bash with him and Klay etc but wanted to spend it quietly alone ifI could not spend it with the man I love.

He was a little put out but understood.

He wanted to come over at 4am as everything was shut and he was smashed. I said no as I felt like shit and had seroquel. He turned up anyway and was really trashed.

It was funny though, hes a good friend.

But he confessed to being a drug addict, which was suprising since hes so responsible about his army position. He threw a baggie of speed at me and insisted I have it.

So, I tasted it, and it tasted like good speed. Then luckily he started tickling me so it was impossible to consume any more.

I was tired from seroquel so told him Id drive him home later, he could stay but Im going to sleep. He passed out later after having one of my pills.

At the end of the day, technically I broke my sobriety but didnt get any effect from tasting it and cravings did not return.

Meh. I like random visitors usually. This was good.

There have been a lot. I have harmed myself greatly and I accept this fact. More repercussions from the self-hating, self-punishing acts from my past are still to come and I'll deal with them as they arise. At least I'm learning but some lessons can be hard.

I remember when I called off my engagement about 7 or 8 years ago. She told me "You're going to live a lonely life." I forget the conversation that prompted this but I remember that sentence.

Truth be told, I am lonely. I always thought I was the kind of guy that could handle or even prefer not having people in my life.

The needle made me realize how alone I was. I remember craving some sort of human physical contact and went to an NA meeting. Can you believe that I didn't even get a hug at that fucker?

People tend to like me. For some reason, folks are drawn to me. Why? I don't really know. I still keep myself distanced from most regardless of the need for a friend.

Right now, I'm hurting real fucking bad and just want to talk to someone.

I haven't taken my anti-depressants in 2 weeks. I went cold turkey (which isn't advisable) and don't plan on taking them until I can figure shit (emotionally/mentally) out in a unaltered state of mind.

Survival of the fittest is natural law. Should I have survived this long? I think that medicine tricked nature and allowed a weak, emotional and mentally unstable individual through the cracks.

I've been obsessing of suicide but it just depresses me more. I can't take myself out while my dog is still alive. It would confuse him too much. I can't do drugs to numb myself. I think this damage I've caused is irrepairable.

Headed to 'M's' place for a session. I'm kinda nervous. I haven't seen her in a bit and I've been really fucked in the head lately.

I went back on the anti-d's today and am worried that my libido will be affected. Man, I'm obsessed about and pissed that my orgasm days are over due to the paxil. It kind of limits sexual options. Yeah, it works out for her because if I don't cum I don't go limp.

But still, there are TONS of sexual things that incorporate ejaculation that we COULD do. I kinda feel like I'm missing out.

I guess its better than the alternatives

Today is Sunday, Janurary 4th, 2009 and it is now 1:04 PM here in the Philippines.

Music wise, I will repost a song I that I had in my Journal, a tune from a HedKandi Lounge CD. "HedKandi" is a series of old House, Disco, Funk, as well as newer Lounge, Vocal Trance, and so on. It is one of my favourite compliation series with the other 2 faves being "Ministry of Sound" and "Ultra" from Ultra Records, which isprimarily Vocal Trance. Ministry is all Trance and Vocal Trance as well.

The song is by 2 DJS, "T Rock and Squashy," and is called "Crooked Smile." The video is non-existent, only the song playing but it is very short, 2 minutes and change and is highly infectious. I guarantee it is worth the listen. The back story is mad cool as well.

Squashy was in Atlanta, Georgia in the US, digging in the crates as the saying goes (looking for rare vinyl) and he found a test pressing by a combo that never got signed.

It is always like that! The best guitarist is not going to be Jeff Beck, Eric Clapton or Mark Knopfler, it is going to be some guy who never got a record deal, maybe working in a carwash somewhere unnoticed. The man who led the combo who made the test pressing was elderly when he made it , and died soon after. The 2 DJs remixed the track, laid a beat on it and now many will get to hear it which is kind of neat.

Check it out:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=G9xFTiYz5_Q

The second song is by one of my favourite reggae bands, "Third World." They played mostly Roots Reggae but with a more melodic sound and heavier beat. Most of the members were "Maroons," which is the local term for the descedants of escaped slaves who made their way up into the Blue Mountains of Jamaica and successfully fought the British Army.

The British and the Maroons managed to agree to a truce that gave them perpetual freedom and land. Unfortunately the Maroons also agreed to turn over any future run away slaves but that is a different sordid tale.

This song was written by Stevie Wonder actually, for the group, and is called "Try Jah Love," and the video was made at the 1983 Reggae Sunsplash. "Sunspalsh" is an annual Reggae concert held in Negril, Jamaica. :

www.youtube.com/watch?v=EcJ61-pee70

Reading wise, I have been reading out of print books online again but not from Gutenburg,. This time I am reading books on the Philippines , on sites run by local historians. The current book is "Coming of the Kris," written in the 1930s and discusses the Islamicasation of the southern Philippines, as well as the rule of Spaniards. Very interesting. A "kris" being the sword length dagger, very much akin to the 2 handed Chinese fighting swords.


Rizza is back in classes in Cebu, and Ariel is staying here on the compound as he waits for word on his visa to the UK. He is very nervous, but spends his nights out carousing with cousins and girls, living the life of a 23 year old bachelor.


My bitch (female dog) Jambie is pregnant again! In 2007 one of our labourers had a dog give birth. I saw the tiny pups after they had almost all come off the teat and I knew what the Labourers would do with it and its siblings. Our labourers eat all manner of living thing, including pups and believe it or not, even roadkill (animals run over by cars and trucks).

Well I thought one of the pups was very cute and so one day after telling Mom how much I liked that pup she got him for me without telling me! He was still drinking milk and whining like they do when taken , espeically before being weaned.

I literally stayed up all night with him, feeding him small bowls of milk every 15 to 20 minutes. He did not even know how to drink it until I stuck my finger in the bowl and made him hold open his mouth. I was happy that it only took 2 or 3 struggles with him before he began hitting that milk like it was crack.

So happy, smacking his little lips, wagging his tiny tail but at daybreak his started screaming , well screaming as much as dogs can even do. Anyway...I became alarmed, especially when he began dragging his little ass along my tiled floor. I thought for sure that he had bad parasites but to my suprise he was trying to simply pass a bowel movement!

Dogs do not really defecate as such for their first few weeks. He had no idea how to even take a shit!!! Hahahaha. So then I did the unthinkable. Yep! I took a surgical glove and put my pinky up his little bun! Hence the title of my entry today hahahahaha.

Well after I got him started he went at it like a pro and has honed his craft ever since. We named him, Rizza and I, "Baby Jumbo." He was so tiny, only a handful, and yet he wanted to be a big dog already so I thought the name apt and also thought it cute (still do).

Well he became like a little baby to me, following me everywhere. Until now he loves me so much. He sleeps on my feet, cries like a baby if I do not help him up into our bed but I had to curtail that given the fleas, etc. We have a couple of dozen dogs on the compound, actually at least 18 after which I stopped keeping track.

At meals on the verandah he sits patiently, wagging his tail, and I always give him snacks which I should not do but I love him so much! It is funny, I have such a difficult time with love of humans and yet I love so willingly with Jumbo.

After a couple of months with Jumbo, Rizza and I returned from the village only to find a strange looking dog behind my TV in the sala (Living Room). The dog was shaking like a leaf and when I tried to get it out from under the coffee table I sit the TV on it bared its teeth and snapped!!!

My first thought was rabies which is a huge problem here, so I went and found Mom to find out if she knew this dog. She told me that she had put it there. Some rice farmer's wife from down the road came into the compound carrying it and could no longer care for it. Why did Mom put a crazy dog behind my TV? That is still a mystery!

I eventually coaxed it out with a bowl of food and water and after a couple of days of it hiding behind the TV after meals, it began coming out little by little. It then allowed me to pet it gently, with the ears pinned back in that sign of submission.

It was then that I discoved it was female. I allowed my sister-in-law Marian, aged 10 now, to name it. She chose the name "Jambie." She learned to eat but refused to ever leave outside our home , to go with the other dogs. I believe she must have been terribly abused, either that or mentally ill. She shakes like she is having convulsions but once she sees the front door closed she is back to being cute.


By now she is great but only with me. Rizza she ignores, but also does not try to bite her which is a huge step for Jambie.

Both dogs are a loosely defined breed that most call "Native Dogs" in English. There are 2 types: I) small and compact, grey/tan, VERY intelligent AND VERY loyal. They make great guard dogs. II) larger but skinny, very red coated with the orange eyes.

The second type, Tye II is almost identical to the Ethiopian Wolf, a species of wolf in Africa. They could be twins.

Jumbo is Type I, Jambie is Type II.

Well, I will close on this note due to the character count here. I will continue in a subsequent post...

01. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
Took a trip to Ireland... first time in Ireland, and in Europe! Threw a successful rave.

02. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I beat my sister out seven resolutions, I made 42! I kept about almost half of mine from '08.

03. Did someone close to you give birth?
No

04. Did anyone close to you die?
Thankfully, no.

05. What countries did you visit?
Ireland and England

06. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Peace of mind, happiness and joy, hope for the future

07. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
10/10 I threw my first rave!

08. What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year?
Quitting opiate drugs and channeling that money into a trip to Ireland, and throwing the aforementioned rave.

09. What was your biggest failure(s)?
Failure to be happy in the moment and stop worrying about the future

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Not this year, thankfully, other than losing a lot of weight during the summer from not eating much.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
A plane ticket to England (and then a bus ticket to Ireland!)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My roommates have all been the best roommates I could ever hope for. Most of all they have been consistently honest, fair, and without drama. Thank you!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
all the people who have polluted our planet and been cruel and uncaring towards its people, especially the Bush administration.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Paying off financial aid debt (from a miscommunication) and getting to, from, and around Ireland. Also paying for the rave, which I lost money on. And drugs, to a lesser degree.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
I never get that excited, but I really looked forward to a few raves, and my trip to Ireland.

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2008?
Benny Benassi "Satisfaction"

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
I. happier or sadder?
A little bit happier, possibly

II. thinner or fatter?
Slightly fatter, a good thing!

III. richer or poorer?
Richer, but not by much

IV. older or wiser?
Older and wiser

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Living in the moment, exercising, meditating, and telling people I love them

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Less drugs and alcohol for sure

20. How did you spend Christmas?
At my Dad's place. We opened some presents, drank some wine, it was pretty low-key.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
Nope

22. How many one-night stands?
A couple with the same person

23. What was your favorite TV program?
Didn't watch TV

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I strongly dislike the people responsible for stealing our money! I HATE the Bush administration, oil industry, and all who knowingly pollute the planet and screw over its people. Fuck that.

25. What was the best book you read?
The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. GREAT book! Everyone should read it.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Benny Benassi, and electro-house in general... LOVE it

27. What did you want and get?
A trip to Ireland

28. What did you want and not get?
A new laptop

29. Favorite film of this year?
Really liked "Benjamin Button"

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 25. My sister joined me and we probably went to some club but.. I can't remember lol

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Living in a more stable situation with roommates, and having a house where it was warm and things actually worked!

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
It was cold most of the time, so I dressed in a lot of sweaters and cardigans, even in summer. But I also started wearing flip flops during the warmer months. So sweaters and flip flops hehe

33. What kept you sane?
I actually almost lost my mind, but doing consistent work and school kept me on track.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
None, really.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Pollution/global warming/the environment as it usually does

36. Who do you miss?
I miss Amber, who I will never see again. Right now I miss all my roommates because I've been away for a while. And I miss my cat, I hope she's all right.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
Sarah is awesome! Working has gotten a lot more interesting now

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
Sometimes it takes a derailment to get you on the right track. << I echo C on that one. Also, that relationships with others are the most important track to enlightenment and self-realization, and happiness and fulfillment.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"Living today without a way
To understand the weight of the world.
Faded and torn, old and forlorn
My weak and hoping heart." -Nightwish, For the Heart I Once Had

I took my first 20mgs of paxil/paroxetine today. I was first prescribed this particular anti-d in '93. I have mostly been on them since with maybe a handful of attempts to stop. I've noticed that the lengthier times that I went without them were times I have relapsed. Each fall worse than the last.

Its so odd how these pills work. I don't know if it is a placebo effect or the real deal but I took 1 today and notice a distinct difference in my attitude, perspective, mood from the past week.

Shit, last night I was extremely suicidal, angry, hurt, (insert any negative feeling here).

Tonight I actually feel somewhat at peace in my head.

These pills aren't really supposed to take their full effect for a few weeks.

I have to give 'M' credit. She took my unfounded, paranoid, insecure thoughts, and kicked the shit out of them. She cares for me a great deal I believe. I just feel bad that she was burdened by my stupid mindset.

She has a point though. I have a chemical imbalance. I need to accept the fact that I can't control this mental disease but I CAN make it easier to tolerate through medication.

She's a real good woman. Caring, kind, compassionate. Alright, take everything that is good and proper and that defines 'M'.

She asked me once if I was replacing the drugs with her. The answer was, and still is, 'no'. We were together when I was clean (I was clean for 5 years but we weren't together for more than a year). I loved her then, I simply love her more now.

Just because I'm an addict doesn't mean I'm filling in the void that lack of drugs has created. She knows this.

I've said this before to her and I need to accept this statement 'I'll be on medication forever'. She accepts it so why do I struggle with it so much.

These pills have delivered me from the horrors I've created in my head.

I hope I don't get cocky. Each time I go off them gets worse and worse.

I spoke with 'M'. I told myself I wouldn't let her know what was going on in my head. I'm in a very weak and dark place. She asked me what I would do if my dog wasn't in my life and I told her that I wouldn't be here if he wasn't here.

WTF? Stupid asshole! I'm fucked in the head right now but what if I get better later? She's now worried and sees me for the weak, whiny, piece of shit that I am.

I guess I've begun sabotaging my opportunities for happiness. Why? Am I trying to make my life as painful as possible so that I'll selfishly disregard my dog and take myself out?

I'm seeing her tomorrow. I finally finished making a card for her over the weekend. I took a thin sheet of copper and burned a variety of words that come into my mind when I think of her into it. I glued some dried flowers to it and melted this rubbery stuff on the sharp edges. I threw it out (along with the paper piece of shit card I made.

She said she wanted them but to me its a matter of self-respect. Why profess my feelings to someone who is so standoff-ish? She knows how I feel. It'll have to do. To tell the truth, she's out of my league and its time for me to accept that. I have nothing to offer right now but my heart. That's pretty meager if you ask me.

Maybe its time to say goodbye. Fuck, that'll hurt but this way she'll realize that there are LOTS of guys out there that can give her the stability and security she wants. Right now, I can't provide anything like that for her.

Am I just waiting for my dog to die?

Thing is, I've fallen off the wagon that many times most people I know think I quit ages ago, or actually haven't, or aren't in immediate contact so its a real quiet goal to be making.

I dont really see the point in this, which is a problem in getting off drugs. The first time I detoxed was under the care of parents and that situation was so bloody bad, Id really messed up my life, couldnt deal, got straight back on and stayed on.

This time around, its not under the care of anyone. I did have the Acute Care Mental Health service nurses home visiting me in week one after I was discharged from the hospital. Being there under those conditions seems so unreal now.

I guess I had to fall into a crisis to bounce back again but has this been worth it?

I don't know. I am really feeling let down. I don't know who by or what I was expecting but I didnt expect to be so fucked up emotionally and mentally. I am not feeling too good about myself.

I dont know what the future holds, if Im going to stay sober off meth or what, and I am never going to expect or pretend I am going to do that when I might fail.

I think to get into a place in my mind where I am happy I need to change many things, not just drugs.

I think I need to leave BL for a start, its cool to spend procrastination time here but too much shit has happened and Im over the bullshit.

I need to get out more, this is impossible at the moment but Im getting better so will do soon.

I need to get back to just getting on with things and not feeling so damn shitty. Being around people I feel comfortable with, and that means getting some self esteem back. Pining for someone I lost a while ago is not helping and fruitless.

Reality is a good thing to be aware of.

I can't even go to my damn appt.
He saw me, I hope he feels bad...
I hope the nurse feels bad when I'm fighting off the tears.
Does my mom feel bad for yelling at me while I cry, no. "Pull yourself together."

I've decided if I do it. It will be in a park so my family won't find me. I'll hang myself from a tree. I don't know what rope will work best or if I can even follow the directions to tie it...but I can try. I may not break my neck like many, and struggle as I strangle myself, clawing at the rope. Great ppl see that...real committed aren't ya.

At least this one I can't fuck up. I may sit in the freezing cold thinking about it sitting by a tree until a cop comes to tell me its closed, or a cop my come and cut me down. Save me and I'll be pissed.

I know people are upset when I talk like this. But I'm sorry. I have to get it out. I HAVE TO SAY IT! Or its bottled.

I should make sure I where a lot of blush, foundation and lipstick so I don't look so bad when they do the crime scene photos. IF they even bother. Although I don't know what to wear. Should I dress up pretty and make a statement>? lol Aww she was so pretty how sad. Yeah right.

I would have my suicide note, which I don't even know where to start writing on my person with my driver's license. However they could just run my plates on my car because I'm certainly not walking there. The note can direct them to my will. What little I have to give away. I need to change it though, Dec. 5 I wrote it and I need to change it. Mention a few more ppl, say I'm sorry for being a nut case, and make sure Noel is taken care of...

If a mod believes this has to be deleted. Do it, nothing matters anymore. If I get another "infraction" and you ban me..yeah thats really gonna suck..

"Gotta learn Leslie, no one wants to hear or be triggered by you selfish suicidal thoughts that you likely will never even do. Get help and quit putting you bullshit here and being an attention whore."

Well D. posted this horrible blog poem about being hurt and wishing all these awful things on this person. He still won't return messages. I did message him and ask him if that was for me and if it was just say so, continue to hate me and I'll leave him alone.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY HE JUST LEAVES ME HANGING! DOES HE HATE ME? WHAT DID I DO? IS HE RUNNING? AM I BEING IGNORED?

I want to cry over that poem even though it could be meant for the ex, which most are. But ouch, I don't think so. I want to cry so bad...sticks, part of it "I hope you fall and break your wings" well dear a little late for that. I seriously just had to stop IMing the person I was talking to and just stop and try not to cry.

I am trying here. I am trying to get better and this isn't helping damn it. Just say yes or no!!! Is it that HARD? Anyone have any idea why hes not returning my messages, or the texts or calls from yesterday even after I said just say leave me alone and I will??

And I had planned a date tonight. After all this bs I don't want to go. But I'm a woman of my word. Its just a movie. Thats it. And after that I'll just not plan anything anymore. I'm SO tired to nice guys hurting me. I don't know what game this guy I thought was so wonderful is playing...

DAMN IT GIVE ME SOMETHING? ANYONE ELSE THINK THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT.
I think I'll give it a day or 2, nothing I will just forget about him all together. Gone, because then it hurts less.

Need to get ready for my appt. I hate to go in mad or whatever..

to answer a ?
Love bombing is something used by cults. They bring you in a hug you and love you and treat you life family. One to keep you coming and two to separate you from others. Once they have you baptised and you can't get out without punishment, disfellowshipped (excommunication) it stops. And it hurt me and I didn't understand why the focus and the love was no longer on me as the prodigy student of Jehovah....

Im layin on a dope feens bed specks of blood on the sheets from leaky arms after a shot boilin in the heat of my own sweat cold air swimmin around me too hot to stay too cold outside the blankets to shiver my ass off. I had somethin to say last night but I dont remember wat it was now. I spy a snow flake outside is this gonna be another miserable snow in day? I had enough of this snow shit. Ima try n get a advance on my check today and see wat I can do with it. Peace everybody.

I picked up my script today and popped my first 20mg in a couple weeks.

I guess I need to sacrifice some things to keep myself from the dark places in my head.

Pros of the pill:
1) Banishment of suicidal thoughts
2) Banishment of thoughts of self-mutilation
3) Increased focus

Cons of the pill:
1) Inability to feel emotion
2) Complete ambivalence regarding everyone and everything
3) Inability to achieve orgasm
4) Degraded sex drive
5) Lethargy

I've been thinking that this drug is too strong for me. Its kinda funny, I've never complained of a drug being too strong before.