Blogs

01. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
Took a trip to Ireland... first time in Ireland, and in Europe! Threw a successful rave.

02. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I beat my sister out seven resolutions, I made 42! I kept about almost half of mine from '08.

03. Did someone close to you give birth?
No

04. Did anyone close to you die?
Thankfully, no.

05. What countries did you visit?
Ireland and England

06. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Peace of mind, happiness and joy, hope for the future

07. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
10/10 I threw my first rave!

08. What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year?
Quitting opiate drugs and channeling that money into a trip to Ireland, and throwing the aforementioned rave.

09. What was your biggest failure(s)?
Failure to be happy in the moment and stop worrying about the future

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Not this year, thankfully, other than losing a lot of weight during the summer from not eating much.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
A plane ticket to England (and then a bus ticket to Ireland!)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My roommates have all been the best roommates I could ever hope for. Most of all they have been consistently honest, fair, and without drama. Thank you!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
all the people who have polluted our planet and been cruel and uncaring towards its people, especially the Bush administration.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Paying off financial aid debt (from a miscommunication) and getting to, from, and around Ireland. Also paying for the rave, which I lost money on. And drugs, to a lesser degree.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
I never get that excited, but I really looked forward to a few raves, and my trip to Ireland.

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2008?
Benny Benassi "Satisfaction"

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
I. happier or sadder?
A little bit happier, possibly

II. thinner or fatter?
Slightly fatter, a good thing!

III. richer or poorer?
Richer, but not by much

IV. older or wiser?
Older and wiser

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Living in the moment, exercising, meditating, and telling people I love them

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Less drugs and alcohol for sure

20. How did you spend Christmas?
At my Dad's place. We opened some presents, drank some wine, it was pretty low-key.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
Nope

22. How many one-night stands?
A couple with the same person

23. What was your favorite TV program?
Didn't watch TV

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I strongly dislike the people responsible for stealing our money! I HATE the Bush administration, oil industry, and all who knowingly pollute the planet and screw over its people. Fuck that.

25. What was the best book you read?
The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. GREAT book! Everyone should read it.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Benny Benassi, and electro-house in general... LOVE it

27. What did you want and get?
A trip to Ireland

28. What did you want and not get?
A new laptop

29. Favorite film of this year?
Really liked "Benjamin Button"

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 25. My sister joined me and we probably went to some club but.. I can't remember lol

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Living in a more stable situation with roommates, and having a house where it was warm and things actually worked!

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
It was cold most of the time, so I dressed in a lot of sweaters and cardigans, even in summer. But I also started wearing flip flops during the warmer months. So sweaters and flip flops hehe

33. What kept you sane?
I actually almost lost my mind, but doing consistent work and school kept me on track.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
None, really.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Pollution/global warming/the environment as it usually does

36. Who do you miss?
I miss Amber, who I will never see again. Right now I miss all my roommates because I've been away for a while. And I miss my cat, I hope she's all right.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
Sarah is awesome! Working has gotten a lot more interesting now

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
Sometimes it takes a derailment to get you on the right track. << I echo C on that one. Also, that relationships with others are the most important track to enlightenment and self-realization, and happiness and fulfillment.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"Living today without a way
To understand the weight of the world.
Faded and torn, old and forlorn
My weak and hoping heart." -Nightwish, For the Heart I Once Had

I took my first 20mgs of paxil/paroxetine today. I was first prescribed this particular anti-d in '93. I have mostly been on them since with maybe a handful of attempts to stop. I've noticed that the lengthier times that I went without them were times I have relapsed. Each fall worse than the last.

Its so odd how these pills work. I don't know if it is a placebo effect or the real deal but I took 1 today and notice a distinct difference in my attitude, perspective, mood from the past week.

Shit, last night I was extremely suicidal, angry, hurt, (insert any negative feeling here).

Tonight I actually feel somewhat at peace in my head.

These pills aren't really supposed to take their full effect for a few weeks.

I have to give 'M' credit. She took my unfounded, paranoid, insecure thoughts, and kicked the shit out of them. She cares for me a great deal I believe. I just feel bad that she was burdened by my stupid mindset.

She has a point though. I have a chemical imbalance. I need to accept the fact that I can't control this mental disease but I CAN make it easier to tolerate through medication.

She's a real good woman. Caring, kind, compassionate. Alright, take everything that is good and proper and that defines 'M'.

She asked me once if I was replacing the drugs with her. The answer was, and still is, 'no'. We were together when I was clean (I was clean for 5 years but we weren't together for more than a year). I loved her then, I simply love her more now.

Just because I'm an addict doesn't mean I'm filling in the void that lack of drugs has created. She knows this.

I've said this before to her and I need to accept this statement 'I'll be on medication forever'. She accepts it so why do I struggle with it so much.

These pills have delivered me from the horrors I've created in my head.

I hope I don't get cocky. Each time I go off them gets worse and worse.

I spoke with 'M'. I told myself I wouldn't let her know what was going on in my head. I'm in a very weak and dark place. She asked me what I would do if my dog wasn't in my life and I told her that I wouldn't be here if he wasn't here.

WTF? Stupid asshole! I'm fucked in the head right now but what if I get better later? She's now worried and sees me for the weak, whiny, piece of shit that I am.

I guess I've begun sabotaging my opportunities for happiness. Why? Am I trying to make my life as painful as possible so that I'll selfishly disregard my dog and take myself out?

I'm seeing her tomorrow. I finally finished making a card for her over the weekend. I took a thin sheet of copper and burned a variety of words that come into my mind when I think of her into it. I glued some dried flowers to it and melted this rubbery stuff on the sharp edges. I threw it out (along with the paper piece of shit card I made.

She said she wanted them but to me its a matter of self-respect. Why profess my feelings to someone who is so standoff-ish? She knows how I feel. It'll have to do. To tell the truth, she's out of my league and its time for me to accept that. I have nothing to offer right now but my heart. That's pretty meager if you ask me.

Maybe its time to say goodbye. Fuck, that'll hurt but this way she'll realize that there are LOTS of guys out there that can give her the stability and security she wants. Right now, I can't provide anything like that for her.

Am I just waiting for my dog to die?

Thing is, I've fallen off the wagon that many times most people I know think I quit ages ago, or actually haven't, or aren't in immediate contact so its a real quiet goal to be making.

I dont really see the point in this, which is a problem in getting off drugs. The first time I detoxed was under the care of parents and that situation was so bloody bad, Id really messed up my life, couldnt deal, got straight back on and stayed on.

This time around, its not under the care of anyone. I did have the Acute Care Mental Health service nurses home visiting me in week one after I was discharged from the hospital. Being there under those conditions seems so unreal now.

I guess I had to fall into a crisis to bounce back again but has this been worth it?

I don't know. I am really feeling let down. I don't know who by or what I was expecting but I didnt expect to be so fucked up emotionally and mentally. I am not feeling too good about myself.

I dont know what the future holds, if Im going to stay sober off meth or what, and I am never going to expect or pretend I am going to do that when I might fail.

I think to get into a place in my mind where I am happy I need to change many things, not just drugs.

I think I need to leave BL for a start, its cool to spend procrastination time here but too much shit has happened and Im over the bullshit.

I need to get out more, this is impossible at the moment but Im getting better so will do soon.

I need to get back to just getting on with things and not feeling so damn shitty. Being around people I feel comfortable with, and that means getting some self esteem back. Pining for someone I lost a while ago is not helping and fruitless.

Reality is a good thing to be aware of.

I can't even go to my damn appt.
He saw me, I hope he feels bad...
I hope the nurse feels bad when I'm fighting off the tears.
Does my mom feel bad for yelling at me while I cry, no. "Pull yourself together."

I've decided if I do it. It will be in a park so my family won't find me. I'll hang myself from a tree. I don't know what rope will work best or if I can even follow the directions to tie it...but I can try. I may not break my neck like many, and struggle as I strangle myself, clawing at the rope. Great ppl see that...real committed aren't ya.

At least this one I can't fuck up. I may sit in the freezing cold thinking about it sitting by a tree until a cop comes to tell me its closed, or a cop my come and cut me down. Save me and I'll be pissed.

I know people are upset when I talk like this. But I'm sorry. I have to get it out. I HAVE TO SAY IT! Or its bottled.

I should make sure I where a lot of blush, foundation and lipstick so I don't look so bad when they do the crime scene photos. IF they even bother. Although I don't know what to wear. Should I dress up pretty and make a statement>? lol Aww she was so pretty how sad. Yeah right.

I would have my suicide note, which I don't even know where to start writing on my person with my driver's license. However they could just run my plates on my car because I'm certainly not walking there. The note can direct them to my will. What little I have to give away. I need to change it though, Dec. 5 I wrote it and I need to change it. Mention a few more ppl, say I'm sorry for being a nut case, and make sure Noel is taken care of...

If a mod believes this has to be deleted. Do it, nothing matters anymore. If I get another "infraction" and you ban me..yeah thats really gonna suck..

"Gotta learn Leslie, no one wants to hear or be triggered by you selfish suicidal thoughts that you likely will never even do. Get help and quit putting you bullshit here and being an attention whore."

Well D. posted this horrible blog poem about being hurt and wishing all these awful things on this person. He still won't return messages. I did message him and ask him if that was for me and if it was just say so, continue to hate me and I'll leave him alone.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY HE JUST LEAVES ME HANGING! DOES HE HATE ME? WHAT DID I DO? IS HE RUNNING? AM I BEING IGNORED?

I want to cry over that poem even though it could be meant for the ex, which most are. But ouch, I don't think so. I want to cry so bad...sticks, part of it "I hope you fall and break your wings" well dear a little late for that. I seriously just had to stop IMing the person I was talking to and just stop and try not to cry.

I am trying here. I am trying to get better and this isn't helping damn it. Just say yes or no!!! Is it that HARD? Anyone have any idea why hes not returning my messages, or the texts or calls from yesterday even after I said just say leave me alone and I will??

And I had planned a date tonight. After all this bs I don't want to go. But I'm a woman of my word. Its just a movie. Thats it. And after that I'll just not plan anything anymore. I'm SO tired to nice guys hurting me. I don't know what game this guy I thought was so wonderful is playing...

DAMN IT GIVE ME SOMETHING? ANYONE ELSE THINK THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT.
I think I'll give it a day or 2, nothing I will just forget about him all together. Gone, because then it hurts less.

Need to get ready for my appt. I hate to go in mad or whatever..

to answer a ?
Love bombing is something used by cults. They bring you in a hug you and love you and treat you life family. One to keep you coming and two to separate you from others. Once they have you baptised and you can't get out without punishment, disfellowshipped (excommunication) it stops. And it hurt me and I didn't understand why the focus and the love was no longer on me as the prodigy student of Jehovah....

Im layin on a dope feens bed specks of blood on the sheets from leaky arms after a shot boilin in the heat of my own sweat cold air swimmin around me too hot to stay too cold outside the blankets to shiver my ass off. I had somethin to say last night but I dont remember wat it was now. I spy a snow flake outside is this gonna be another miserable snow in day? I had enough of this snow shit. Ima try n get a advance on my check today and see wat I can do with it. Peace everybody.

I picked up my script today and popped my first 20mg in a couple weeks.

I guess I need to sacrifice some things to keep myself from the dark places in my head.

Pros of the pill:
1) Banishment of suicidal thoughts
2) Banishment of thoughts of self-mutilation
3) Increased focus

Cons of the pill:
1) Inability to feel emotion
2) Complete ambivalence regarding everyone and everything
3) Inability to achieve orgasm
4) Degraded sex drive
5) Lethargy

I've been thinking that this drug is too strong for me. Its kinda funny, I've never complained of a drug being too strong before.

Michael Phelps smokes pot! That's right, the 14-time Olympic gold medalist was caught toking out of a one and a half footer bong on November 6, several weeks after his Beijing triumph at a college house party. Some of the party-goer's who witnessed the event told News of the World statements such as:

“He was out of control from the moment he got there."

"He grabbed the bong and a lighter and knew exactly what to do,"

“If he continues to party like that I’d be amazed if he ever won any more medals again.”

and my favorite "He looked just as natural with a bong in his hands as he does swimming in the pool. He was the gold medal winner of bong hits."

Unfortunately, because this "incriminating" photo of Phelps, his dream of wining another metal at the 2012 games in London could be destroyed as sporting chiefs announced that for drug-taking there is a four year ban.

Phelps apologized for his actions saying:

"I'm 23 years old and despite the successes I've had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public it will not happen again."

On a personal not though I feel the media is making a way larger deal of this then it really is. God forbid, he took a hit out of a bong. I'm not saying that it was the smartest move he could of made considering the consequences that could happen, but all the publicity he is receiving from this is completely unnecessary.

Sources:

• http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/news/150832/14-times-Olympic-gold-medal-winner-Michael-Phelps-caught-with-bong-cannabis-pipe.html

Today is STILL Friday, Janurary 2nd, 2009 and it is now 6:30 PM here in the Philippines.

I have one more song, this one is HOT. Some here may or may not know of a Jazz group, Modern Jazz, not Smoothe Jazz, called the "Crusaders." They had a massive R and B hit in 1979 called "Streetlife," with Randy Crawford on vocals.

That song is fantastic as they did it, but I recently came across a French documentary on Randy Crawford and Joe Sample and their recent collaborations. Joe Sample, for those who do not know, is a fantastic pianist, absolute genius. They were filmed performing new and acoustic arrangements on some standards at Apple Studios in London.

One of these songs happens to be "Streetlife" and between Sample's piano and the Upright Bass and heavy funky bass line, this shit is off the hoook as the kids like to say (or maybe they are saying something newer as I have been away from NYC for a second or two). GIVE IT A GOOD 30 SECONDS TO KICK IN (like a good drug!)!!!


www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBB1UQMT4hU


In CE and P Forum there is a current thread dealing with one professor's controversial theory concerning the origin of "Rap." He does not posit that ALL HipHop started in the same manner, only that Rap itself was not rooted in the West African custom of "Griot." Griot were highly esteemed men who performed, via chanting, entire geneaologies as well as ancient folk tales. Like Jews most West Africans belonged to Rote and Memory Cultures, meaning that they kept records orally as opposed to writing them down.

The professor however believes the true roots of Rap lie in Scottish ballads!!! Yep, can you imagine? But before you dismiss him out of hand as a racist or maybe just a nutjob, I have found proof that actually confirms his theory!

As I posted in that afore mentioned thread, it not only originated with the Scots but with Scots-Irish. In the 1600s England encouraged the Scots who had long ben pacified subjects to colonise Northern Ireland. The Brits rightly assumed that the Scots would gravitate towards the Brits out of shared religious belief (the Church of Scotland of course being the Presbyterian Church).

Today those Protestants in Northern Ireland are almost entirely descended from these Scottish colonists. Sometimes called "Orangemen," or more rudely simply "Prods," these People have a very rich cultural tradition that is all too often overlooked.

I have found a modern offspring of the original Scot Rap, that has developed in an amzing parallel into what is now known as "Scot Gangsta' Rap." See how close it is to the American West Coast "Gansta' Rap" genre. You just might be amazed!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=XBeiQvFsQLM

Then, finally, I have a great song that is also accompanied with an absolute masterpiece of a video. IF you do not get the jist of the video, or the running joke, give the song a real chance because I am sure many will find it truly infectious (in a good way, not like a case of staph hahaha).

The group is "The Bird and the Bee" and the song is "Polite Dance Song." I really dig the video because it is directed by "Eric" from the duo "Tim and Eric" who are a bit popular in an underground sort of way. Give the song a chance, it sounds like shit for the first 30 or so seconds but once that register is acclimated you will not be able to stop thinking about the song OR the video!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=nI3g9RaVkdY

So...Regressing to the first post today, where I finished with a description of Magellan's death in Cebu, here in the Philippines, and Magellan of course being the first RECORDED European to sail to the Philippines.

I say "recorded" though because he certainly was not the first. The world is not as small as we are taught to think in most schools. "Columbus discovered America" EXCEPT that the Vikings were living in New Foundland a few hundred years before him... except that "Kenniwck Man", a European skeleton found in a Washington State river was here in the late stone age!!!

In the case of the Philippines, China was trading here 1000 years ago, Arabs not long after, and so on. Since Romans used to trade directly with Chinese it is certainly not inconcievable that some other Europeans along the way had made their way here one way or another.

When Magellan first met with the Bisay Datu who would be known to history as "King Antonio" he was told by the Datu that he must pay a "Port Tax." Magellan in typical European arrogance was aghast thinking that he was the first European to arrive there and therefore dealing with an entirely "primitive" People.

When Magellan balked at the fee the Datu haughtily told him that just 4 days before a large ship had made a port call, and had come all the way from Siam (Thailand), paid the fee and also traded several Thai women to the Datu for pearls and other local tradegoods.

Furthermore, when Marco Polo the Ventian adventurer was delegated by Kublai Khan the Mongol emperor of China, to escort a Mongol princess to Persia so that she might wed a Persian prince, the ship was laid at port in present day Sarawak as they waited for the Monsoon to come in autumn so that they could continue with their voyage.

"Sarawak" is an Indonesian province on the island of Borneo, which is a relatively short ferry ride from southern Mindanao. It is quite probable that all through that long summer in Sarawak that Polo would have somehow come to the Philippines.

At the very least those southern most islands in the Province of Jolo and Sulu (Sulu is a chain of islands stretching almost to Malaysia and Indonesia) must have seen Polo. Actually Moros have an oral legend, that alot of people on Jolo are direct descendants of Alexander the Great's men, and that Alexander himself visited on Jolo!

When the Spanish came in the wake of Magellan's discoveries they found the entire Sulu chain inhabited by the People today known as "Bangsamoros," meaning "Nation of Muslims."

At the time most people living in these islands were Animist, while a very few on this island, Mindanao, practiced a hybrid Islam/Animist religion with Hindu overtones, but only on the southern and western shores of Mindanao. On the north, east, and in all parts of the interior the very few tribes living here were antirely Animist.

Spanish, being the typical Europeans that that they were set about hastily converting the "pagan savages," and pressing upon them their cultural imprint.

In most countires colonised by Spaniards the Spanish men usually took local women as wives, and produced offspring of varying hues and features. Not the case in the Philippines. Look far and wide in everyone of these 7,107 islands and you will probably never find a naturally blue eyed Filipino, and even light skin is exceedingly rare.

Each population center had its monastery and mission, and priests were very corupt, treating the locals as chattel and in many cases there are reports of priests fathering local children but for whatever reason, only very few Filipinos have any Spanish blood at all.

Catholicism did become trhe religion of the so called "Lowland" tribes, like my wife's Bisaya Tribe, along with Tagalog, Iloco, and several other large groups.

Spanish was the administrative language but in another unusual instance Spanish failed to catch on as the true lingua franca of the country. Malay languages heavily peppered with the Spanish of the oppressor still survive and indeed the national language , "Filipino" based on the former nationa language "Tagalog," still carry wight.

I speak Spanish as a native speaker, since "Ladino" is a Jewish language. Ladino is based primarily on an 800 year old form of Catillian Spanish, and is the language of "Sephardim," one of the 2 main Jewish ethnicities. Speaking Ladino allows me to pick up alot of the Philippine languages.

I speak Bisaya, which is actually a misnomer because "Bisaya" is a family of languages with some of the languages being wholly mutually unintelligible. In terms of the specific Bisaya language I speak, I speak 2, Cebuano - my wife's language," and Waray Waray which I learned from our Labourers who speak Waray Waray and another Bisay tongue that is endemic to the Cotabato Region of Mindanao, south of Davao City.

There is one Philippine language that is a true Spanish creole, and mutually intellligble with Spanish, "Chavocano" which also denotes an ethnicity. Chavacanos are the People who live in a major portion of the Zamboanga Peninsula here on Mindanao, on the isalnd's western potion.

i will end on that note and pick it up in the next entry...

Miscellaneous thoughts on this beautiful boy.

Monday we went to get my license renewed. When I picked it up, he looked at it and said “That’s a beautiful photo!”. He's an idiot, it's horrible and I look like an elderly woman who hasn't slept for a week.

On Christmas Day we drank a little too much booze and furiously made out on the back step. He ran to the other side of the yard and beckoned for me to come over. So I did, and he threw me down in the vege patch and completely had his way with me. Which was excellent fun, but afterwards we sat for a long while and stared at each other. My heart exploded out of my chest a few times.


Then we cleaned up our evidence and went back to the party.

I talk a lot of bollocks, but I can’t do justice the way he has enriched my life.

I'm going to go back on my meds. The pain right now is too great

I've decided that rehab isn't the answer. I can't be away from my dog. I originally just wanted to give my mom some sort of peace by going. I figure if she witnesses the false happiness provided by medication she won't know its false and she'll be happy

When I first went off the anti d's I enjoyed the fact that I could feel emotions. It was nice but now there are only negative emotions. I'm suicidal and have entertained the thought of carving myself up to relocate the pain. This isn't normal.

If I'm forced to live than I may as well live without this pain. Meds will fix that.

We'll see what happens

Today is still Friday, Janurary 2nd, 2009 and it is now 11:40 AM here in the Philippines.

America is such a cheesy country. One typical Americanism is the "Infommerical." I am sure most in the US have seen Ron Popeil, the Jewish man who brought "Flobee" and "Pocket Fisherman" to the world, right? Flobee was an amazing device, it would automatically cut your hair AND vacuum it at the same time, or so they said.

Pocket Fisherman is a very short fishing rod that telescopes into something like a 6 cm "thingamajig" in case you are like most American men and need to walk around with a fishing rod no matter where you go.

One that every inventor must have kicking themselves in the head over for not having gotten the patent themselves was the "Spray On Cure For Baldnesss." This technological breakthrough was a small spray can that balding men AND WOMEN could use to spray their bald areas and miraculously "artificial hair" would appear. So what if its looked like Sillystring!? Tired of your new hair? Simply dampen a napkin and the hair disappaered! WHAMO! America Go
To-edness! Ingenuity the Yankee Way! Hoo-rah!

My absolute favourite though is the "Griddleman." Griddleman is NOT a Ron Popeil (or as he calls his empire, "Ronco") product. Most have seen "George Foreman Grills," right? I mean, it is totally natural and expected that ex-boxers would eventually develop fat burning portable grills, right? Just the thing that EVERY household needs.

"Griddleman is similar, but is more for pannini type sandwiches. Do not know what a "pannini" is? I will give you a hint, it has to do with "boots."

Here, see for yourself:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=YJWpgMoGyNQ

Back home in Israel things are very heated now, with more and more Reserves being mobilised for an expected ground invasion in Gaza, which gives me very curious emotions.

In Israel, we used to serve in Infantry (I was an Infantryman/Paratrooper) from age 18 to age 56. Since I began my service at age 16 I would have retired at 54 but after the 2006 War in Lebanon the IDF decided to revamp its system and so now most Infantrymen will be able to retire at age 44. Acrrued Combat Time will be used to lower even that age and in my case, almost 9 years in actual combat, I was able to retire on June 30th, 2007.

I had long promised Mom and Dad (Rizza's parents) that once I fully retired from the army we would permanantly move to Mindanao to be very close to them and begin making a family of our own.

However, with the renewed conflict I find myself feeling very strange indeed. I feel naked is the best way to describe it. I worry about my mates, I worry about both sons (although I also have a daughter in the army women do not serve in combat roles).

Both boys, one Active, the other Reserve, are Golani. "Golani" is an Infantry Brigade and is the topped rank of the 5 Active Infantry Brigades (including the Paratropper Brigade which is counted as Infantry for all intensive purposes).

The boy in Active is in Golani Sayeret which is the best Regular Brigade Special Forces unit in the IDF. It is probably the 4th best unit in the entire Israeli military if one is counting all branches, etc.

Amazingly though my nevousness is not due to their situations but my own. Since I was a little boy I have been training for this and I have never sat out a single armed conflict involving Israel, since I was 16 years old.

In 2006 "Palestinians" held "National" Elections and ended up voting in a clear HAMAS majority. Under PA Law the President then forms a Cabinet and emphasies the winning party in its makeup. For example, Ministry Portfolios are divvied up according to demograhic share and in this way , ideally, the peoples' will is being honoured.

PA President Abbas, AKA Abu Mazen, appointed a HAMAS PM, and awarded the requisite number of Portfolios to other HAMAS members. However, he did not reappoint a new Minister of Security.

Within many goverments, and for all intensive purposes the PA IS a govt., there is significant overlap between Ministries in terms of scope of responsibility. The same held true for the PA at that time.

The PA had a huge Security Apparattus back then due to Arafat's propensity for allowing Fatah members (Fatah being a political party that evolved from a terrorist organisation which was under the PLO umbrella prior to Oslo) to benefit from overt graft.

He had long promised to reform the bureau, which had 27 different armed factions within its structure! However he fell ill and quickly died. in the chaos that followed Abbas rose ro power and retained the status quo.

In the PA the Ministry of the Interior has usually been the ultimate oversight bureau for the Security Apparattus. Muhammed Dahlan, an Arafat crony and an immensely popular man in southern Gaza (Khan Younis Camp) was the leader of the Security Apparattus, and when it became impossible to keep as head of the Apparatttus (due to regular accusations os cronyism), Arafat created a BS title for him, "Ministry of Security Affairs.

In reality he still controlled Interior and in any event certainly continued to tightly control the Security Apparattus. When the HAMAS dominated Cabinet took their seats in March, 2007 HAMAS called foul. They wanted more control over the Security Apparattus since a HAMAS member now was the nominal head of the Ministry of interior, but Abbas and Fatah were not budging.

This is the exact reason why HAMAS staged its Gazan coup in June of 2007. Israel engaged in a policy of "Containment" (political and social ioslation) but it only made HAMAS more resolute and even saw 3 new extremist groups develop in Gaza. Then HAMAS began launching spate after spate of large rocket launches (up to 120 MM), almost daily mortar assaults as well as almost daily sniping from the Gazan side of the border.

Last June, with the help and input of General Suleiman the chief of Egyptian intel HAMAS and Israel were able to conclude a Limited Cease Fire.

There is a very basic premise in Islamic Jurisprudence (Shari'ia) known as "Hudna." Basically, it allows Muslims to call for and enter into a truce with any enemy with the intention of gaining or regaining (as the case may be) strength needed to finally defeat and vanquish your enemy.

In his Arabic speeches HAMAS Gazan PM Hannieyeh openly spoke of "Hudna" and the determination of HAMAS and is allies like PRC and PIJ to fight until the last breath to expel the "Zionist Invaders" and reclaim holy islamic land.

Even with this relisation Israel hoped to build upon that very narrow platform so that a more substantial and lasting peace could be achieved. Even with Gazans attacking Israel DAILY the Israeli Govt. has tried to reason with them over and over and over, begging them publicly to continue the Cease Fire but HAMAS, even today, has made it clear that it will refuse any and all entreaties made by Israelis.

It is difficult to totally defeat an enemy who truly believes that he is going to go to Paradise nd have 72 "houri" (virgins in the idiomatic English rendering but a houri is not human so it is difficult to translate. The best way I think is to consider them to be female angels. when he dies.

So, I have had a strong natural urge to go home and put on my uniform again but it makes both Mom AND Rizza livid since they are very anxious for us to have a child already. Mom and Rizza ALSO know that my ultimate wish is to die in battle, even though I now wish that it would happen far down the road. So, I think I will be sitting this one out and I feel so conflicted over the issue.

Rizza and Nigel are already in Cebu. I still have not gotten around to buying a life vest for her. I also want to get pepper spray AND a taser although it might not be possible to get the Taser on with the XRay machine they now use in the ports.

In the past terrible acts of terrorism have taken place on ferries here. In one case a member of the "Rajah Soliman Movement" organisation blew up a Manila to Mindanao ferry after it had pulled out to deep sea, away from Manila Bay. Roughly 200 people died.

A more pressing worry is the condition of the ferries. This is the tail end of the Monsoon and the seas are always VERY STRONG, especially at night for some reason. these ships are ocean going ferries but most are in decrepid condition. A case in point may be the sinking of a ferry this past spring that had more than 1000 passengers die in the sinking. I believe a total of 8 survived. 3 washed up on the shore of an unihabited Philippie island while the rest were bobbing in the waves holding onto wreckage for more than 24 hours.

Being a nation with 7,107 islands would make most folks think that the majority of people here are decent swimmers. indeed not many are. Rizza cannot swim at all despite my teaching her countless times.

I want to get the life vest for her so she will be safe when travelling without me, or come to think of it even when with me. I want her to have the spray and the taser so as to be able to defend herself in the melee that is sure to transpire as many hundreds of desperate Filipinos see her in a life vest. She is very petite, 4'10" actually, and very feminine. She cannot fight at all even though she has been having me teach her the Jewish Martial Art, "Krav Maga" ("Battle Combat").

Well, once again I will continue in my next entry...

I think you just have to look at TDS (Which is where I'm mainly staying these days unless I have a ? or something for some reason) that I'm trying. I'm trying to be more positive, to respond better to others, to let you all see me as me, and maybe even at my best. Am I still hurt, yes. Will I let it ruin me, no.

Oh yeah, I have this whole "Approve comments thing" but I don't know how to make them approved...sorry guys. I do read them!

And I shouldnt need a therapist to sound this into me as I know that certain things I do lead down the path to depression , negative thoughts and further possible addictions.

Setting myself up for failure especially with friendships and relationships is something I do when feeling overly optimistic about something that is most likely to fail.

And Im doing this again. . If I have great unrealistic expectations on how wonderful things will be eventually and get let down by my own delusions I know what path I will walk

I think its time to pull out of this spiral and do something else that does not involve the risks of being rejected.

Like sculpture. Its fun. And wont break my heart.



.

The kind of life I want seems to be unobtainable. Its rather simple actually. I want a family-type life. I don't want to have kids. I'd never do such a thing as to bring a life into this fucked up world.

I want that professional 9 to 5 job that can provide security to those I care about.

I want to help others that suffer.

I want to be a good influence and a beacon of safety for any kids that might be in my life.

I want to come home from work and smile at those I can consider family.

I want to provide.

I want to be loved.

I want to love.

I want to be well (or do I?)

Very simply, I want.

I have my dog, a fuck buddy and an inability to deal with life's challenges.

The gods can be cruel.

Today is Friday, Janurary 2nd, 2009 and it is now 1:45 AM here in the Philippines.

Music wise, Norman Brown is a superb guitarist and is famous for making Smoothe Jazz remakes of popular R and B songs. The following video is a song by Janet Jackson, "That's the Way Love Goes," and was shot with Brown and his female partner vacationing in Hawaii. Sounds lame but it is a fantastic song.

We have a Smoothe Jazz station here in the Philippines. Many large stations in the capital of Manila use relays to simulcast on most of the other islands here. In Davao City the station is on 106.3. We cannot pick it up here in San Franz because of the distance (200 odd kilometers) but whenever we go or come from Davao we listen to this station (Dad and I anyway).

You can pick it up as soon as you enter the village of Monkayo on National Hiway and it is always a milestone in our frquent trips to that city although with the violence now I can no longer even ride with someone in that direction let alone drive myself. Too many Check Points and firefights on the Hiway south of Trento, the next village south.

Anyway, this song was made (by Brown) in 1994 but is just as good now, if not better...

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cj-C8_ugOr0

The 2nd song is by a Smoothe Jazz saxophonist, Najee. This particular song is "Bethya (sic) Don't Know" and is one of the coolest jazz songs ever made. I believe it was first released in the late 1980s.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bdee9fdyby8

The final song today is by Brothers Johnson, a very smooth 70s R and B outfit. They had monster hits back in the day like "Stomp!" and this song here which is just amazing.

The song was also a monster hit but I used to hate it. Just never appealed to me but when I really dissected the song I was crazy about it. Those with interests in psychadelics will find it very interesting as well perhaps because prior to Prince there were not many R and B artists flirting with psychadelic imagery and music (although one MIGHT argue that this was spawned the whle G-Funk genre).

www.youtube.com/watch?v=JKJw1h4KQuw

Book wise I am reading "Christ the L-RD out of Egypt" by Anne Rice, the author best known for her "Vampire Lestat" series. The book is a sort of historical fictional piece about the "Missing Years" of Jesus Christ's alleged life. Purely conjecture it is still a very well written piece as Ms. Rice is very entertaining.

I am also simultaneously reading "The Lost Disciple: The Book of Demas" by Leslie H. Whitten Jr. it is another piece of historical fiction, about a half Jew living during the time of Christ in Judea (the Jewish kingdom that existed where part of Israel and so called "West Bank" stand today. It is OK but I am slow with it because I am reading both.

I do that quite often, I will read up to 4 books at a time , switching between them as the mood takes me.

So, New Years is upon us, and I managed to live another year (Yay). New Years Eve is a very, very dangerous time here. Almost every family on this island has at least one working gun and many , from all all ethnicities, like to fire them into the air on New Years Eve so I stay inside and away from windows.

Just as within Gaza, etc. if one is hit by a stray bullet it is usually very difficult if even possible at all to find the assailant. Aside from religious and political violence here there are also bloody family feuds, like the one we are engaged in with Uncle Asshole, I mean Uncle Alan.

A person could place a cold zero on my chest and that would be the last she wrote. So, better to be circumspect. Today Rizza , her nanny and my second eldest bro-in-law Nigel took the ferry at Nasapit, to return to Cebu.

Rizza was very upset because she wants me back in Cebu but the fighting here is getting fierce and I must do my part to make sure the family is protected. I could not even go for the late afternoon ride to Nasapit (about 100 odd kilometers north of us. Although I might chance it in daylight it would probably be dark before we even began the long drive home (100 klicks on these roads is like 300 in the West).

There are regular Check Points every 10 to 15 kilometers along National Hiway and the Hiway is the ONLY road on much of NE Mindanao, which is my region. the region is actually called Caraga.

The municpal structures are alot differrent than in the West. The basic unit is the "village," or what is known as "Barangay" (sincgular) here in the Philippines.

Barangay is an interesting word really. There is a mythical Migration Story told of the Bisaya (Visayan) Tribe sailing to the Philippines from Borneo. The outriggers were know as "Barangay" and since each grouping from each boat tended to be comprised of related people, each boatload of people settled in seaprate settlements, which became known as "barangay.

Then there is the town or city. Cities and towns have exact qualkities as far as area and pupulation. Then these cities and towns are classified into different groupings per their characteristics.

Then there are "Provinces" which are akin to "Counties" (not states as one imagines) in the West. Above provinces are "Regions," and then finally islands themselves which serve as de facto "states" as in the American sense of the word.

Me? I live in Barangay 5 (switched from 4 when were rezoned), San Francso town, Caraga region, Mindanao island. See? Good, tomorrow there will be a quizz.

Then aside from regular Check Points, there are mobile ones as the situation warrants it and this combined with very bad roads leads to a slow drive in most places on this island.

Mindanao is the 2nd largest of the Philippine islands, with only Luzon whih holds Manila, almost 1000 km. north of us being larger. Mindanao is roughly 30,000 square miles. Most is unmapped and alot is unexplored.

When people think of Filipnios they think of the kind they see in the US, etc but the country is actually a highly varied mosaic of races, ethnicities, and cultures. When the first sterotypical Filipinos arrived from 900 to 2000 years ago there were alredy Peoples living here. The first imhabitants were (they still exist) Negritos. they are similar in appearance to Papuan islanders or people from the Solomon Islands.

Black skinned, very short (very similar to pygmies), and wth sterotypical African features although their genome shows no connection to modern Africans. When my wife's tribe arrrived, said to be the first brown skinned of the Filipinos, about 900 years ago according ro legend, they quickly made peace with the Aeta Tribe, which still exists.

As these lighter skinned People began migrating in increasing numbers the Negritos relocated to the more isolated mountains where those surviving remain today. Brown skinned Filipinos are now called either Bangsmoro (Moro for short) oe "Christian Lowlanders."

Bisaya are the largest single groupin in the "Christian Lowlander" classification and comprise roughly 40% of the entire population yet are treated as second class citizens although Negritos are treated much, much worse.

Genomic studies point to a typical Pacific Migration Theory. It shows the Bisaya migrating from the South Asian mainland to Formosa (Taiwan). From there it is believed they made their way to Borneo where the Bisaya Tradition begins.

On Borneo, which is relatively close to Mindanao, the Bisaya entered into a fierce civil war, according to tradition, roughly 900 years ago. Some decided to flee the isalnd, and following their Datu (chief) they pointed their outriggers north and very gradually began peopleing thse islands over many years.

Later migrations continued with other Malay/Austronesian Peoples taking a slower trip north. The later migrants had been Islamicised for the most part, in the 1200s (CE/AD) and so this affectation became a huge divide between Muslims (Bangsmoro) and the then animist Bisaya (who had Hindu influences interestingly).

When Magellan made his way to Cebu Island he entered the bay near Mandue, just outside Cebu City. He made an alliance with a local chief who was impressed by the Westerners' wealth and technology, and even quickly converted to Catholicism to cement the alliance, and is known to the world as Chief Antonio.

Readying to leave the island to venture forth in search of new sources of spices, Magellan thought to give a demonstration of so called "Shock and Awe (Rapid Dominanace in actual military jargon)." Ordering his ship in close enough for a demonstration of its cannons' power and after issuing orders to bring the ship into range, embarked with his landing party ro parley with a
2nd chief who was on bad terms with Chief Antonio (AKA King Antonio).

However this chief did not care and took umbrage at Magellan's arrogance and disregard for local etiquette and custom. Magellan led 48 of his men through the reef and towards the beech. Although in armous they had to take their boots off and ended up unprotected from the knne down. As soon as they came into range the Bisaya began shooting arrows, many poisoned as well as spears.

The Bisaya were in 3 divsions of 500 men each, 1500 against less than 50 Spaniards. To make a long story short the Spaniards were hit hard and tried retreating as the Bisaya surrounded them on every side except behind and as they made a fighting retreat, Magellan was struck with a poisoned arrow which ended up killing him once they were back aboard ship.

The ships made its it way to what is now Indonesia and although Magellan did not live long enough to note the success of his mission he is noted as the first official European visitor to the Philippines.


I will continue in the next entry...

*I cry now. Shut and lock the door, afraid someone will see and I can't explain it. I don't want to. this is what I do. I shut off the light and sit in the dark. Straining my already painful eyes (sinus pressure behind them causes pain) why the dark I don't know.

Once I have had the rejection or abandonment. Which likely all goes back to my dad abandoning us for his new family. A new wife with 2 kids, just like our family, a girl the same age as me. But popular and pretty and athletic, all the things I wanted. I didn't fit into this family later and was emotionally abused for it. My dad never made it stop. He didn't want me, I didn't want him and thats how I have managed.

Anyway,
I enter the stage then that BL often sees and resents me for. the stage of pain and hopelessness. When I figure that everyone will reject and leave me. And I might as well save myself the pain. then I sometimes get that rejection and hurtfulness from BLers, who don't get it. Or don't care. And it sink. It as been so bad that I have been asked not to use BL as a freaking suicide hot line. true, what will anyone do.

But now I have entered that stage. I have lost another one in ONE FUCKING DATE. I liked him and I thought he liked me and we would hit it off. I don't want the pain of this over and over and over and over again. My ex maybe broke up with me 30 times, each time causing pain just to take it back, because of my begging or not knowing what he wanted idk.

Somewhere, I got sick. And I developed this sick disorder that destroys everything. Do I want to cut? No the pain isn't that bad. I guess I've just gone numb in given up. Do I want to cut where he might see if he ever showed so he can see my pain? yes, will I do it. No not likely. All that does is perpetuates the label of cutters as attention seekers for it, when most of mine I hide.

Just like my arm, I am scarred, bleeding, unhealed. somewhere I was broken and only I can fix it. But I'm not strong enough or know how. I catch it after its too late even though I've done this cycle 1000s of times. I become so hopeless.
All I want is love, but no one can ever love this.
This sick horrible person that I am. Sure BPD has perks that ppl see. But the pain isn't worth the feeling happier or caring more than the average person does about a stranger or understanding some one's pain more, or whatever.

I want someone, to love me. And no one ever can. I even will chase them, try to scare them away will me being sick before they have the chance to leave and hurt me. Its all so hopeless.

yeah I can be treated. Medication for the depression and suicidal thoughts. But therapy and me fixing me which is very painful to do. I mean I have to retain my thoughts for one. Not call myself those things. That requires me writing down what I say, and then I have to be forced to recall the situation what caused me to say that to myself and that is painful! People don't seem to understand that.
Therapy for BPD takes years and years and some never get better. 10% commit suicide successfully, many attempt spur of the moment in pain after rejection and fail. I'm so stupid I can't even kill myself right....

Now I'm hardly worried about pain. I was worried that dying would hurt and ppl would tell me it would so maybe I wouldn't do it. So it hurts, but then I can't cycle around and become more damaged tha before. Find someone else to love and lose, that just wants to use and abuse...
Yeah the do that to me too.

I want that affection SO bad I let men use me. I think many have. I know some have. S. may have, I slept with him and he left D. I kissed him and he left. And I'm not bad at what I do! Don't you think that. I am amazing lover because I'm a giver. damn it, lol its about the other thing I know I'm good at. sad, I know I'm an amazing lay. Yeah that gets me winners that want to LOVE me. No use me. Get what they want and run before I have a chance to feel abandoned. Or they blame me, I was impulsive which I am, I want the feeling of love...If I wasn't such a whore or if I hadn't teased them. I do that really bad, why...because I feel wanted I guess.

Now I am afraid of damaging my family by them finding my lifeless body...my mother already has her mom dying and my brother really is 18 but still just a kid. I'm not sure how he ended up no damaged. I guess he wasn't abused by the step family like I was really. they encouraged him to do it so it could follow me back to my mother's. My peers did it too. I lacked friends and was often made fun of. Who to blame? idk. My parents didn't know what to do with a suicidal 13 year old, hell my mom still doesn't know what to do with me.

Now no one wants to be around someone who is cranky all the time. I'm depressed what do you want from me? Brother leaves his rifles out...thats not the way to go although you can be thoughtful and not leave a mess. Thats the idea.

Sometime I'll get it right I think. Just pushed, be impulsive and do it. I've been coming up with ideas since I was 12 or 13. Always making sure my mom wouldn't be angry that I left a mess lol.

Really I feel as many borderlines do....its only a matter of time. I never thought I would live to see 18, I did thanks to someone saving me at 18...Many days I don't think I'll live to see 25. and 25 alone....I that may just break me. 25 I had dreams of marriage and maybe start having kids at 25.

Pointless dreams. I'm so afraid of being left I had considered having kids "on accident" so my ex would stay. YES YES YES PSYCHO GF. I found myself there and thought it was sick and demented and a great way to end up ruining what little life I have. My education and now seeing I would have tied to someone who loves money more than anything and was abusive.

But I don't know how much pain I can take. Will I tell my pscy on the 2nd that. NO! I am NOT GOING BACK TO A PSYCH WARD! I will kill myself if they try to make me. My experience was horrible. Accidentally ending up in rehab yeah I should have jumped from the open window and died. I threatened, but then my family could have sued lol But it was SO much nicer. They treated you like a human being there at least. Although them trying to convince me I had alcohol issues was funny and now I can handle drink at all. Perhaps being drunk last night is what made me cry when he left.

I'm pretty sure hes gone for good. Another one...Yeah entering the next stage. I can't talk much about that. I get in trouble. BL is not a suicide hot line.

There, there is a book about my life, a little bit of it. There are other parts that are missing like, sexual abuse, and my brother's extreme anger that still scares me, me joining a cult becuase of a guy and love bombing, other exs, my family and life now, how I live now, being medicated all my life all all the medications, the drug use. Hell I wouldn't be here if I didn't. But there is enough here for sure and I"m 100% sure no one reads it all.....

*I know I'm gonna cry as I write this...

BPD makes my worse nightmares come true. It destroys everything around me.

It makes me see in black in white. You are white and pure and wonderful, until you cause me pain and then you are black and evil and hurtful.

I become so angry. I don't understand or know what to do with anger. A few times I've punched walls because it had to be let out, but that was when I wasn't cutting. I cut becuase I'm angry at others at myself at the world.

When I'm angry I cuss and scream. Every other word is the F word. "Fuck you, who the fucking hell do you fucking think you are to do this fucking shit to me!" Because thats the only way I know how to get across how angry I am is to use the worst word possible. People don't respond well to that and it escalates it.

Then usually they are hurt or more likely they start yelling at me. I take every word personally. I cuts deep and repeats in my mind over and over. I Torture myself constantly. I've been called a whore, a slut, a bitch, stupid, worthless...I call myself all those things all the time. I got the laundry tangled and I told myself "Fucking stupid bitch can't do shit right..." when really it wasn't even my fault, so the bras weren't unhooked and got tangled big deal ya know.

Then, I freak out. I switch. MY GOD THEY ARE GOING TO GET MAD AND LEAVE!! They are going to reject me, they are going to abandon me. (My ex couldn't take the sudden change). I start in, I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry to yelling whatever you did I had to right to be mad (even if I did) and act like that. Please forgive me. Please please don't leave...I'm sorry. I will believe whatever you tell me, I'll do whatever you say. I'll fix it, I'll make it go away. (My ex never understood, what the hell, one minute you yelling and I break up with you and now your crying and begging me not to do this..)

During bouts of my ex's anger and anger from others and just because they could. I just shut up and accepted what they had to say. Often name calling. I can still recall words from well years ago when my ex THOUGHT I had cheated. I had not. He e-mailed me "You fucking little slut. I never should have trusted you...you're nothing but a fucking whore...one day you write me and the next you fucking someone else...you fucking whore...I hope you didn't give me anything you god damn cunt..." Something along those lines. The first part is exact and I still have it....so I can go back and torture myself later. Thats whats so bad about BL and why I often will delete a thread...

Because if someone said something hurtful I will read is over and over and torture myself and internalize it.

As for the situation right now with the guy from last night if you have been following. I don't know that anyone really cares enough to follow the mess my life is. I don't want it. lol

I'm at the begging stage. When he left and didn't come back I was mad and said I wasn't a toy and wasn't playing his fucking games and he had no intention of coming back. He just wanted to used me as a midnight kiss, not be alone or whatever and leave. I was angry.

Now I'm begging. Please. Look I'm sorry. Just whatever you say is fine. I'll accept it and forgive and forget about it and we can go on like it didn't happen, just like before. I want to like you. I want to be close to you. Please, come back. Help me fix it. I mean its underly pathetic I know. But I can't be abandoned. I liked him. He gave me affection. He held me, he kissed me...no one had since S. up and forgot about me.....

But now he is doing the same as S. Likely freaked out and running. I drive them away because I don't want them to leave. I make my own nightmares come true. After so many calls and messages and texts, I saw what I was doing...and knew that this person that I wanted to deserve...

He had been hurt too, was sweet and honest, more attractive than I think I deserves, blond and tall and blue eyes. I laughed when he said I was tiny so much smaller than he thought. He thought I would be "taller and wider" lol. He liked to listen to me talk. I talk a lot when I was nervous. He liked that I was smart, and damn it I kinda am. I'm college educated. I read him from the book I was reading. We had other umm "things" in common so it could work there. Although I BEGGED him to go slow. But at midnight when he kissed me, the clock was fast...and then the alarm for midnight went off and I didn't want him to stop. I wanted him to hold me and kiss me......and then he just said he had to leave. I was so I guess taken by surprise. At first it was anger and I thew down the DVD ad turned away as I started to cry.

I had waited hours for him to be here and now he just leaves. A grab a tissue and try to hide and turn away from him. He asks me not to cry. Its his brother's anniv. and he said he would go and he needs to before everyone is asleep. I'm upset. Ok, go. Can I text you he asks, yeah I'll be quick. he says so I can come back. I have hope, he will come back and I can be held again.

24 hours later, no text. No message. No show. I did it again angry and begging...

I have now deleted his number, I can't get it if I wanted it. So I can't drive him away with my pathetic need. With my fear of losing it. When this was just a FIRST date. God I ruin it all too fast.
S. couldn't take it when we had dated for months. How is D. not going to want to run after this happens after ONE DATE. "PSYCHO...." and he will be gone likely. And that is painful. very painful. Rejected because of my fear or rejection.
I ruin everything I ever loved or wanted.

ALL I EVER WANTED WAS LOVE.
I wanted someone to WANT to not like family "has" to, although I don't believe they do... WANT to love me as much as I love them.
But thats impossible because with BPD I feel more than the average person. I'm always going to love more and hurt more.

holy fuck that was some good hash last nite it completely shut us down

i was nodding before midnight, shame...but we were pretty hardcore up until then

straight trippin...

on a different note im doing up traktor 3 LE right now and by Wednes I'll prob have a copy of Pro. Pro is so good it blows my mind. Got an Audio DJ 8 for Christmas. Big tings.

Should hopefully be a lot better than 08

I got a DS for Christmas with Mario Party and the bastard always gets all the stars so I can't fight the piranha plant to move on to the next board.

The DS makes work tolerable again, which is good because I've been picking up a bunch of extra hours over the holiday season.

I also got a vacuum cleaner, a sock monkey (!), sheets, a bunch of clothes that I don't like but would feel guilty returning, gift cards, and a titanium spork from Lori ().

Next year I'd really like to spend Christmas with my family. I don't want it to be 10 years in a row that I don't spend the holidays with them.