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This'll be the first Christmas I'll be spending alone in my apartment. Thank god for the internets, or I'll be bored out of my mind, if I don't go mad from loneliness first (I wonder if insane people are ever bored ... ?)

This is a kick arse tune, and I got it originally years ago now from astroboi on Bluelight on a mixed cd with other things.
This one track has given me the shits though since I got it as only winamp can play it. Windows media player wont open it but will everything else.

And for some reason my winamp is trying to open everything on my external hard disc at once, so Im pretty well fucked trying to listen to this one track.

I wish I knew about how to fix shit like this.

But I managed to get it to work but cant play anything else in winamp!

ARGH.

Its the season to be jolly.

I have got to get organised!

bye sexuals

Where are all the needles filled with nitrazepam

Yeah I know I blog to much but its best to keep my drama to myself I have learned.

I want so much to have some Tramadol. But there is no way to get it without being discovered I believe.

Just for artificial happiness for the holidays. Here I am going to cry because I don't have the drug that makes me happy.

But really maybe in the end its the best. They an get me on a anti-depressant without that messing with it. Although actually is a mood stabilizer and often used for sezuires...I can talk myself into anything.

I have no job I can't blow what money I have to drive to school on some maybe bunk drug that will take 14 weeks to get here. I could w 2 day but not with the family home. And hell, my mom always knows when I'm high no matter what it is. And certain tram isn't one you want to take after everyone has gone to bed or you will never sleep.

well I don't really sleep anyway, take ambien one night and lunesta the next and I still wake up after 3 hours....thats where the soma comes in the soma that got me in trouble. I don't know what I'm facing today...

I almost lost my friend and ex-girlfriend yesterday. She wanted to commit suicide. She shot some greater amount of heroin. Luckily, my friend got back from work and found her just in time. She was so poisoned, they gave her naloxone. I was shocked when my friend called me and told the story. I wanted to go there right away but I had a few things to do in my city. We both had some job to do that night but she discharged from hospital... We decided someone must stay with her so she won't do anything stupid again. I went to Warsaw and took care of her.

We talked all night long. Later she fell asleep. I couldn't. I woke her up some time later and we went for a car and I drove us home. She only studies in Warsaw but she's from the same city I am. Christmas is almost here, she has a break at the university and I thought it would be safe if she got back home earlier and were with family.

And me. I've been on methadone for around a month now. I'm low now but I still have days when I take more like today. Anyway, I will soon finish methadone. I'm totally broke. The girl I was to go to the party before the final exams backed out with some ridiculous lie. Luckily, I found a girl who would go with me. She's totally different and we get along.

I'm really totally broke. I don't feel like living anymore. I see no point in living. There is no sense in life. There is nothing to wait for. There is nothing I can do. I'm in too deep. This is not about drugs, this is about my disease. I've been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. It's killing me slowly. But it eventually will. Forever.

Today is Wednesday, December 17th, 2008 and it is now 2:26 PM here in the Philippines.

Music wise...Well this is one of the things I will enjoy about the Journals being lost. I get to impress upon my very few, scant readers those songs which mean so much to me, even if I had previously done so with the same songs in my Journal!

The 1st one is by a Filipino Hip Hop Fusion band, "Out of Body Special." The song is a love song actually. The thing that usually attracts me to a song is the bassline more than anything, even more than the beat and as usual this song has a killer bass line. The song is called "Give It."
www.youtube.com/watch?v=TyvBL3gaMl4

The second one? Well believe it or not I happen to think Justin Timberlake is a great singer and artist, seriously. This however is a song that has here to fore been hidden from the gaping masses, one that has escaped all scrutiny and you, as my precious readership, will now have a chance to see it and appreciate it yourself! The title is a secret!
www.youtube.com/watch?v=WhwbxEfy7fg


Reading wise? I have been heavilty into a book I picked up at a library sale in NYC when last there. "Conquistador" by Michael Wood and it is the companion work to the BBC Series on the Conquistadores and their incredible crimes against humanity.

I love travel obviously and like to imagine what it might have been like for the Spanish slave Estavancito who was with the De la Vaca Expedition when his party ran into disaster and he and a companion or two wandered through what is now nothern Mexico and the SW US, seeing all the different native tribes, talk about "Uncontacted!"

Or what about Pizzaro in his desperate voyage south from Panama coming across the Inca trading raft filled with gold and other treasures, and the Inca sailors talking about their far away kingdom? Even when I absolutely hate what the Spanish and Portugese did in the the world, at that time (and other times) I do have grudging admiration for men like Cortes and Pizarro, especially Pizarro who gambled it all on a dream, and won!

My life? I am still on Mindanao, while Rizza is in classes on Cebu. I am compelled to stay here for the time being because the violence is increasing incredibly fast, and the scariest thing is that most people are not even aware.

I sound paranoid, right? In a second I will elaborate.

In family news my eldest bro-in-law Ariel arrived here 3 days ago from a trip to Manila and the UK Consulate where he went for an interview trying to get a Student Visa. He is 23 and a certified Medical Technologist (no specialty but currently working in a small hospital in Cagayan del Oro here on Mindanao).

To get a job in his profession though, he must rely on one fof the voracious agencies that are really not much better than the pimps that recruit eager and naive young Filipinas to be "Singers" and "Entertainers" in Japanese "clubs." The agencies charge up to 3 years salary, get the lowest paying jobs for people, and usually hold your travel documents in escrow. Ergo, his attempt to enter as a Student.

I had tried to get him a job in NYC when I was there but found he needed 3 more exams, 2 professional and he would not have been able to scheduale them in the time I spent there.

Unfortunately, Mum and Dad already bought his ticket to Ireland, without even knowing the results of the Visa Interview! I guess they have their confidence up. As upper middle class (or the local equivalent) they feel that Ariel will not be denied but he is 23, and unmarried, and people are lliterally dying every day in the attempt to get from Asia and Africa into the EU, etc.

Anyway, we will know soon.

One of the results of the Global Recession has been the need to adjust our business practices accordingly. Our main line is milling rice and corn, primarily rice. Here to fore we have always been able to do business where we chose, and as Bisayans (Visayans) never went south of Targum here on Mindanao to do business. Now we must even deal in ARMM, which is the Muslim semi-autonomous region here on Mindanao (Autonomous Region of Muslim Mindanao).

If you had told Dad , or Mum, a year ago that we would be running our trucks into ARMM they would have laughed literally for minutes. Today we run convoys down there. I cannot get into specifics because it really is that dangerous. Hence my title today.

Starting a couple of weeks ago I began finally , out of sheer boredom, to patronise expatriate sites for Westerners in the Philippines. I generally am nauseated with those sites because this country seems to attract a general type of person from the West. I really hate to generalise but the Westerners I have had reason to observe seem to be here for either cheap and abundant sex, or alternatively to marry a much (decades) younger woman who most often is herself driven by insurmountable poverty to marry a senior citizen as soon as she graduates university, etc.

So I joined a couple of sites. One of them, and I will of course refrain from naming them, had a section for Westerners asking about living conditions in different parts of the country.

Apprently alot of these blokes meet a gal online, and then for whatever reason make plans to come live here permanantly which seems more than a bit rash, but to each their own I say. So one poster asks about Davao City, is it nice, that sort of thing.

I answered my honest opinion that the city is not much to speak of, very ugly physically (it was founded as a WWII Japanese colony), and very dangerous safety wise as is most of Mindanao, although Davao naturally is safer than the bush.

So a whiteman who is living in Iligan City (near Cagayan , the city where Ariel is living and working) says, "Rachamim, I do not know what your story is but you should not be having people think that all of Mindanao is a warzone," etc.

Says I, "Look, of course the island is not 100% dangerous but many parts of it truly are and people have a right to this information."

He goes on with the usual crap that Embassies do not know their ass from their head, that Embassy Warnings are written by morons that never leave their a/c offices, and so on.

I then tell him, "I do not want to pry into your personal life but I will ask for a reason, how long have you lived in Iligan?" He replied that he has been there since May this year. I then replied that then surely he must be have been put out by the mandatory evacuation of 45,000 people in Iligan this past August due to the MILF (Muslim Insurgency) entering the city in battle.

He of course called me a liar and said it never happened. hahahahah. A few people then told him in fact it did, and I guess he searched and indeed confirmed it because he said it must have been exaggerated since he never even noticed it.

I explained , as an old hand in this country (only living here fulltime since 7/2007 but been coming here since Rizza was a toddler), that what actually happens rarely gets reported, let alone exaggerrated, and that it is actually quite ALOT MORE violent than the press and govts. would have you believe.

Another site I joined is actually a blog, run off an expat site. Again, no names. so the blogger and I post back and forth, even asks me to write some pieces for him, which I agree to do but never did. The guy did a piece about a US UAV (Drone) that crashed here in MILF occupied Mindanao, and then started saying he was getting urls from the Pentagon on his site, from Philippines officials, and that he began fearing for his status in the country - and maybe even his person! He then begins talking about MY url!

Now I have always posted here, and on every site under my real name, and even given out my actual address, job in the States, just about every personal detail you can imagine. In other words, I am no shrinking violet, right?

I have however had a couple of unfortunate experiences in giving out all this info but nothing in this country. Still, I began using first, on advice of Ariel and another bro-in-law Nigel, an Anonymyzer (sic) to mask my url. Later when in the US this last time, I bought into the AT&T World Service Plan which gives me a nice way to mask my url. The problem though, is my huge mouth! I mean, what is the sense of masking my url if I have already given out my address all over the net (it is all over this site for example). I have also belatedly found that some prgrammes see right through it anyway!

My location is not an issue, for me. However this guy began really harping on it and so his paranoia became infectious and I said to hell with these sites for Westerners. Too many local Govt. officials, and others probably do read them, and in fact in that vein I probably should not have such a big mouth here...but I do and since I like BL I will stick to the site...just continue being more circumspect elsewhere, right?

I will talk a bit more about local events in a following post, due to the character count...

Well, this is merely a continuation of my prior entry, so still Wednesday, December 17th, 2008 and it is now 3:27 PM here in the Philippines.

A couple of entries ago when I gave an update of my life thus far, back in Mindanao. I mentioned the 2 soldiers taken captive by the NPA (communist insurgency).


OFFICIALLY the govt says that 500 Govt soldiers, marines, etc have been killed in combat here since 7/01/2008.

The one good bit of good news in all this bloodshed is that only one Islamic group is fighting out of a total of 8. Well, not exactly true, but here on Mindanao it is the major one at the moment although Abu Sayyaf is also active in Zamboanga, and JI (as in the Bali Bombers) had one of its major bomb makers caught in Maguidanao last week.

On 11/10 OV-10 planes and MG-520 gunships, as well as the 4th and 403rd Artillery units utilising 105 mm Howitzers and 81 mm mortars took on unknown MILF units in Sumgot on the border of Lanao del Sur and Bukidnon Provinces here on Mindanao (which always worries us because it is very near to where Ariel is).

On 11/16 roughly 1,000 soldiers from the 48th,
64th, 68th, and 75th Infantry Brigades were deployed into Datu Saudi Ampataun, Shariff Aguak, and Mamsapano villages in Maguidanao Province here on Mindanao, where they engaged roughly 300 guerillas from the MILF's 105th Base.

They continued fighting over the next few days, and on 11/18th the 46th infantry Brigade was sent in. Its Bravo Company was clearing Barangay Malingaw in Shariff Aguak when it when it was engaged by the same MILF 105th.

By 11/27 fighting had moved into Barangay Muslim in Guindulungan in Maguindanao Province when the MILF's 105th enaged the 46th infantry Brigade (still deployed in the province) with 60 mm mortars. Overnight fighting spread to Barangay Makir, Datu Odin Sinsuat also in Maguindanao with the 6th infantry being engaged by an unknown MILF element, probably from the 105th though, which had continued in a 2 day engagement in Guindulungan.

On 12/03 the 403rd infantry Brigade was engaged while protecting 2 Bisayan villages, Tagolo'an and Salvador in Lanao del Norte Province here on Mindanao, after an earlier engagement between the MILF (unknown element) and the 32nd Infantry.

On 12/10 the 10th infantry had established an FOB ( a temp. camp) and was engaged by the MILF's 102nd Base.

On 12/11 fighting got bad on Basilan, an island right off of Mindanao and governmentally attached to us. After a bloody engagement against the MILF and Abu Sayyaf in al Baraka village, marines had returned to their FOB in Ungkaya Pukan and had barely calmed down when enaged in a greanade attack, but only 2 marines were killed.

As I used to say in my Journal, Muslim fighting never gets closer than Targum, and rarely ever closer than Davao City which is almost 200 klicks south of us, so while we monitor it closely, especially now that we are dealing down south, it is the communists that we watch VERY carefully.

There are actually 3 communists insurgencies in the country, after the 4th officially laid down arms and entered the political arena a few years back. On our island though there are 2, MRA which is in talks with the govt for the past few months and inactive as we speak, and the NPA which is VERY active and fighting all around my village now.

On 10/25, NPA's Front 3 engaged the 3rd Special Forces which had been harrying it for days around Montevista and Monkayo villages in Comval Province (actual name Compostela Valley, which is the one right next to us, within walking distance). They caught up with the Special Forces on National Hiway in Barangay Bonlay in Monkayo, which is where we always travel so it gives you an idea of how life is here right now.

A simaltaenous strike took place on another detachment of the same 3rd Special forces by a second squad from Front 3, in Barangay Canidkid in Montevista, which is right next to Monkayo, and 2 soldiers were killed. the 3rd Special Forces would have a detachment wiped out a few days later, when they took a detachment CO, a 2nd LT (Commayo) as prisoner in what I discussed in an earlier entry.

Also that day, to the east, far out in the bush in New Bataan village, 8 soldiers including their CO, a 2nd LT were killed by remote detonated landmine, by Front 25 of the NPA.

New Bataan is incredibly bloody right now. It is hugely rich with gold, and full of multinational firms, I believe 9 that I know of. Dad used to mine there way back in the day. Used to copter in and out from National Hiway.


I have talked of National Hiway before. It is the main north to south artery on the island, runs right through the middle of my village. Up around Monkayo, and especially in Montevista you can see some of the most beautiful scenery of anywhere in the world, bar none.

I have seen video of fjords in Scandanavia that may be prettier but by my own eyes , that part of National Hiway is the prettiest scenery on the planet. You stand there, in Montevista, opposite the entry to the 1001st Infantry Camp, and you can literally see for 30 or 40 klicks , mountaintop after mountaintop, each one verdant, absolutely stunningly electric green.

You can see a wisp of curling smoke from some illegal cannabis farmer, from an illegal logger, or even a Highland Tribe or two (and of course NPA as always). It is just breathtaking. I have been meaning to post pics of it here and I will, I promise.

Dad used to pay almost 100 US each way for the copter trek in and out of the land now offically named New Bataan and formally incorporated as a village, but back then that area had no name whatsoever. 100 US even now is a fortune, a months wages for most here. So he was paying 2 months wages of our labourers, just so could go to and from work without trekking days each way, that is how rich the land is...and that was a good decade ago!!!

I need to regress a bit, and also need to be very, very, very careful with what I say. On 10/23 the 1001st Infantry, whose main camp is in Montevista, deployed 10 truckloads of infantrymen into New Bataan, saying it was for a "Medical Drive." The next day in Monkayo Front 25 ambushed an army truck ferrying an army landmine victim, in Monkayo but only wounding a soldier. The fighting has been non-stop since then.

On 10/26. Acting on Intel the 402nd and 23rd Infantries killed an NPA CO and 2 underlings of Front 21 in Mount Carmel, a part of Bayugan which is walking distance from my home.

Mt Carmel College (actually not a college per se, but a private elemntary and HS) is my wife's alma mater for grade school and secondary, and it is where our entire family goes to school, as the only private academy in this part of Mindanao.

On 10/31 an NPA Sparrow Unit (public assasination squad) killed a man they said was a spy, in Monkayo, but the unit, from Front 33, also inadvertantly shot a very young girl to death, as she played in the street.

It was on 11/7 that the 3rd Sepcial Force's LT Cammayo was taken POW in Monkayo, by Front 3. He is being tried they say, along with another recent prisoner, for "Crimes Against the People." I pray for him and his family every night. The other man taken prisoner was taken from an impromptu roadblock set up by the NPA, which is why I AM ALWAYS armed. I almost killed Govt soldiers 2 times in the last year at roadblocks, but to be honest I would rather be killed then taken prisoner, so I do not over analyse my mistakes.

The NPA no longer target private Westerners (I am not a Westerner but certainly look the part), but willingly boast of killing US personell and collaborators, so go figure where my white complexion puts me.

On 11/11 we had an interesting day. The 30th and 402nd Infantries seized an entire NPA (major) camp which had 20 bunkers, just a kilometer from one of our main farms, in Barangay La Purisma, Prosperidad which is the next village from us and the Provincial capital (our province of Agusan del Sur). Amazingly though, and again I am saying this CAREFULLY, they failed to even wound one NPA guerilla.

The same day, up in La'ak village in Comval Province, a few kms from here the 10th Infantry engaged an unknown NPA element but my guess would be Front 3.

On 11/28 in Sus Dalaga on Mt. Diwata in Monkayo village the 25th Infantry engaged a 10 man NPA unit when they surpised that squad at its camp, and entered into a 20 minute firefight during which the NPA "got away," the army recovered a cache of Claymores (mines) being crafted into IEDs.

On 12/03 a squad of PROMEX (non-combatant soldiers who examine soldiers for promotion, etc) were en route to an assignment in Surigao, a klick or 2 down my road and they hit a landmine killing 5 of them and wounding 4 others. The 401st Infantry then pursued squads from the NPA's Front 20 into the Diwata Mountains (which surround my home). They were able though to recover a decent cache of various landmines which always makes me happy, makes me drive alot easier.

On 12/13 the planes, gunships, and Howitzers began firing again to provide cover to the 36th Infatry as it engaged Front 20 of the NPA for days on end (still taking place ), in Surigao del Sur on the other side of us, about 1 km away (we are in Agusan del Sur, right between Surigao del Sur and Comval Provinces).

Also on 12/13 in Bulan village in Sorsoyon a Humvee full of soldiers from the 9th Infantry were ambushed by an unknown element of the NPA and 1 soldier was killed.

So...All in all, do you think I am being overly paranoid? Am I wrong for saying this island is a dangerous place? Stupid Westerners come here, live in rich villas in major cities, and think that their world is the center of everybody else's existence. The same as they act anywhere else in the world. Reality is waiting for them though. Me? I will never get caught sleeping.

I drive with my car lights on in the daytime. I got into the habit through driving bikes. This is my first car and I leave the headlights switched on when I park about five times a week.

So, this morning the battery was flat and I had to catch a cab to Halford's and buy a booster pack, cab back and start the car. I put the pack in the house and drove to charge the battery with the intention of getting some breakfast.

On the way to where I was getting breakfast there are some traffic lights leading around a curve to the right hand turn off I needed. When you are first at the lights and there are no cars behind you then there is nobody in front of you, as it's a kind of four lane slip road.

So I blasted off as fast as I possibly could around the curve, straightened up, went faster before braking hard, indicating right and making the turn at speed, before slowing.

This caused an oil warning buzzer to go off and the oil pressure gauge to begin flashing, so I pulled into a parking lot and switched off on the high ground.

When I switched the ignition back on the oil light was gone but one I turned the engine over the battery died. Tried it on the fall of ground and the ignition died. All because I left me lights on.

I got rescued by two London boys who pulled into a space next to where I sat with the windows down because they are electric, and it's cold.

"Nice car Bruv"
"Thanks, yours too.umm got any jumpleads in there?"

He didn't but he had some lengths of wire and we sorted it out while they told me about what happens if you suck batteries. Seriously:D

The oil buzzer and light flashed most of the way home, then stopped abruptly. I think it's a faulty sender switch.

Things aren't much better. Today it was alcohol and soma and I was gone being led around the store so my ex fiance could frost my hair pink for me. Of course I'm totally fucked up. And I run into one of my mom's friends.

Who by the way called to tell me I lost my job, my boss never did. To tell me she has my final check for me. No way she didn't know I was fucked.

So we do my hair maybe if I have a reason go get dressed and put makeup on I'll post pics but I doubt I'll find one for awhile.

I went to lay down and sleep it off. I remember asking my mom something later and she had said I told her I didn't want to do it. So lord knows what else I said. No wonder she thinks I'm on drugs. I am. Just not ones you can test for.

MY kitten drives me crazy constantly rolling on the floor playing with things, getting into things, biting at all hours of the day and night. I said I wanted a puppy. I needed something will a calm soothing temperment, but no I get fire ball from hell. Who by the way likes to sleep under by bed and not with me and strangely I take it personally.

As for BL, I think I'm gonna read around, offer my advice when I can and keep my shit here. Because it seems all I get is negative. Maybe I am an attention seeker- in my defense the blogs were down- but I'm sure there are a lot of others, especially on the nudie thread to do it all just attention. Why else do it? Why am I the one to be condemned why do some people just have this dislike for me forsome reason? Guess I won't know.

I'm depressed, wish I was dead but so far too much of a chickenshit to
A walk to my brother's room load his rifle sit in the bath tub (less clean up) and blow my brains out

B wrap a rope fro one side of the door handle throw it over the top, shut the door and tie a noose on the other end.

C Fil the car with leaded fuel and leave it running all night with me in it or

D Find somethign to OD on that wiill actualy work...

thats it. I hurt and I want it to stop and I don't know how. Just takemy meds and pay they start somehow to work...

Lately I've been doing quite well. I went to L.A. for the first time a few weeks ago and absolutely loved it there. As much as I love NoVA and D.C.... I definitely think I've been on the wrong side of the country. Nevermind the fact that it's the biggest blue state imaginable.. I belong in California! I just know it! A few days ago I actually went back to SoCal, but I stayed in Long Beach this time so I could spend more time with Walks. I'm really looking foward to Christmas and New Year's Eve as well. With the year ending.. I've done a lot of thinking and I've concluded that I'm pretty happy with everything so far. Sure I messed up a lot along the way, but I'm alright now. I appreciate all of the fabulous things that God has given me in life. More importantly.. I appreciate life itself and waking up everyday.

hmm... *thinking*

Oh and also, I recently met someone new and he truly is a blessing from God. I feel very lucky.

I guess that's about it for now.. If I think of anything else I'm sure I'll write more!

Peace & Love
oxox
B

The cycle of doing it and not doing it.

I awake and feel great for about 30 minutes. Then the urge hits and I start. I puff out the vein and go through the whole process and imagine the needle sliding in. I even play out when I get a big shot.

But the funny thing is that I get happy for about 1 hour and make plans. This is always mid-day. And it interferes with everything. Trying to read for school and eating. You'd think that I was on meth. The most I have eaten in the last two weeks is a large pizza that I nibbled on all night. Slice here, slice there.

Then early evening my mind starts to fight that urge and in time, perhaps an hour or two, my mind shifts to "I want to be clean" mode and I start to feel happy.

Now I sit here at 1:00am and am planning good things to spend the $1500 I got today.

Fuck. I spend so much time alone with the university on strike and closing for the holidays that I have so much time to think and rationalize my drug use. It's OK, you're not hurting anyone but yourself. But you are. The two most important people in my life.

I'm rambling now but I know this cycle will go on tomorrow too.

ARGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

whoohooo a saturday off! isn't it great?! now i can help my mom all day long! this move isn't very far but its sure pissing me off. I'm way too lazy for all of this.


in other news; my heroin addiction is about to be engaged in the fight of its life as I am about to enter into a counseling service, once a week, groups and individuals, random pisses. free suboxone supposedly though so thats a plus....

hopefully I'll win this time, and señor brownstone can go fuck himself.

that's all for now, possibly more later. who knows, I said I'm lazy right?

Forgive me that Im typin up a storm. Alot of feelins that I never knew I had comin up outta nowhere.

Drives down the parkway , 287. Central jersey, before, when i cared about goin back. when i tippy toed back into the dirty ass pool of bitter flavored blood tainted water. when i would do it but hey i didnt want to take the risk again. stayin farther away and givin more of that hard earned green would keep me from goin back to a feen.

Sniffin out the bag as i sit in the back seat at 11pm speedin down some philadelphia highway noddin in sweet bliss. as soon as i hit the off ramp im ready takin out those bags. A poem wrote on the spot by a man named Ham Bone. "thru rain and sun showers, your woman, your flower" he said to my man. Hands flutterin around as he says "Man, i was suckin my own dick off these bags a hour ago. let me finish this patty and ill get you your bags. Need sets?"

And i dont need sets becuz i think , yea i think. well if i dont boot up agian. Somehow I wont get addicted.

Love in this club plays thru my ears. sittin in my homies attic I almost throw up and I say, I took a percocet for my back earlier. it made me sick. Eyes a slit. pupils pin pricked.

I used to nod hard to that song. A hour long trip across state lines. i knew it was closer easier to find. but the distance kept me in check, well I thought at the time.

trance music synthesizers arcin higher and higher, a dream like state while I smile n burn my titties with my cigarette. I think to my self I will only listen to this song while noddin. preserving a time capsule just for me to remember me by. Livin in that perfect world that only the dope feen returning to their one true vice can really appreciate. It welcomed me back with open arms. i knew it was only a mater of time but damn i was gonna enjoy it while it lasted, that perfect freedom within my own mind....

it captured the time perfect. Now it seems like ages later. many blocks many rocks later. handcuffs and drug busts, new spots that I see every day much realer than the hesitating girls travels took her to before. it was supposed to be fun......How far I come. the song washes out. Im drunk and In bed. Wishin for a time long gone.

Now Playin - Bonnie n Shyne - Shyne

Memories of the summer nights views of the city shimmerin on the horizon. Blazin L's and ridin with my boy. feelin oh so alone and good wit it. A ridah a broad you can trust. A broad wholl put your coke up when the blue n reds start flashin. a broad wholl puff on the L harder than you will. Coppin dope in the projects early in the AM, peace in my bones everything all right. over to the weed spot time for a white owl. I like dutches but he dont so I go in and get the blunt so we can roll this piff and fade off into the peach colored night, city lights tintin the sky artificial chemical hues everywhere you turn. gettin that money. 50's in my bra. coke runs to washinton heights. oz's in a coffee cup right over the GW. Ha ha if only they knew , hustler mamita passin thru. Smiles behind my blue shades eyes knowin wat I get away with n the fire that I play with.

I still remember the world
From the eyes of a child
Slowly those feelings
Were clouded by what I know now

Where has my heart gone
An uneven trade for the real world
Oh I... I want to go back to
Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all

I still remember the sun
Always warm on my back
Somehow it seems colder now

Where has my heart gone
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger
Oh I... I want to go back to
Believing in everything

Where has my heart gone
An uneven trade for the real world
Oh I... I want to go back to
Believing in everything
Oh, Where

Where has my heart gone
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger
Oh I... I want to go back to
Believing in everything

I still remember.

You’re too important for anyone
You play the role of all you long to be
But I, I know who you really are
You’re the one who cries when you’re alone


But where will you go
With no one left to save you from yourself
You can’t escape
You can’t escape

You think that I can’t see right through your eyes
Scared to death to face reality
No one seems to hear your hidden cries
You’re left to face yourself alone


But where will you go (where will you go)
With no one left to save you from yourself
You can’t escape
The truth
I realize you’re afraid (I realize)
But you can’t abandon everyone
You can’t escape
You don’t want to escape

I’m so sick of speaking words that no one understands
Is it clear enough that you can’t live your whole life all alone?
I can hear you when you whisper
But you can’t even hear me screaming

Where will you go (where will you go)
With no one left to save you from yourself
You can’t escape
The truth
I realize you’re afraid (I realize)
But you can’t reject the whole world
You can’t escape
You won’t escape
You can’t escape
You don’t want to escape

Last night, I asked Ali if we could head out to a strip joint as I wanted to get out and do something different. I assumed he would say no and didnt really care either way as I was tucking into a nice bottle of pinot grigio and chilling at home after a hard day at work.

He wanted to come over instead, and my house was a bit messy and I was feeling self concious so I said no.

He was a little taken aback so I told him why I didn't want him over. I only want people over when my house is pristine and it was in no way as bad as it was when I hit rock bottom, I hadnt put my clothes away or vaccummed.

He said he didn't care, just wanted to hang out. So I snapped out of it and he came over. Luckily I made myself and the place look good before he came.

We get along so well, considering we only met a few weeks ago and have hung out twice. We have constant bullshit banter which is fun and stress free.

I am stress free about where I stand with him, I was kinda keen on him and told him I was considering it. He said he was honest and saw us as being friends only, which on hindsight is really what I need anyway.

After a glass or ten of wine, we were very relaxed in each others company. We have kissed and cuddles and made out like crazy before. Hes very very hot.

I like this person, hes really sweet.

We had a swim in the pool out apartments have. Its really pretty and was warm and nice. We got a little frisky and started kissing and touching each other. A couple in a neighbouring apartment came out so we cooled off haha

One thing lead to another and we slept together. Hes very loving, and I felt very happy to have this person with me.

We talked and talked later on and agreed we are both happy with what we have, our connection.

I told him about my previous troubles with my ex boyfriend. Ive calmed down a hell of a lot this week over that. It is pretty clear to me now why he did not want me anymore and don't blame him at all. I am upset at how things ended up being, with too much pain strung over an extended period of time. But its all over now and both Tom and myself are alot better off I reckon.

I learned from that. I was trying to be with someone I loved without changing my drug habit or jaded ways. I now realise it was always inevitable what would happen because I saw no other way it would end.

Out of Tom and myself, it was me who changed the most for better and worse. I didn't realise at the time that the withdrawal from drugs was making me irrationally dependant on him for help. I don't know, I was lost and frightened. I felt abandoned when I was trying to go clean. I am clean now and settled.

I cant be with someone who has drug issues or with someone who is not able to be very direct with his feelings as that causes insecurity in an insecure person. I shold have trusted but could not.

I am sorry and remorseful for insulting him during arguments. I had no right to do that.

I did not deserve some hurts I have had to bear, but am dealing with them.

Alasdair and I are going to the pub and out for tea tonight, I think. Something anyway.

He is a good friend with benefits.

I cant have a boyfriend, I am not together enough to be a good girlfriend to anyone right now.

I love my new job. My boss and I get along really well. I'm basically a glorified receptionist, since all I have to do is answer the phone, greet clients, and organize files. It's a much more positive environment too since everyone else who works there enjoys it.

In other words, what's the point of beating yourself up over things when you can just let... them... go...

%)

Reading used to be one of my favorite activities but now I'm addicted to the internet. Recently I read an article about how Google is making us ADHD and reducing attention spans. That doesn't surprise me because I have found it very difficult to sit down and read a book. Sometimes I notice myself clicking on my toolbar links repeatedly like a caged rat.

My boyfriend is a huge HST aficionado and so are many of his friends, so they amuse themselves sending each other random newspaper clippings, essays on random shit, and pictures. I am actually really jealous because my friends aren't intellectual like his and aren't into this sort of thing. Sort of like the whole 'tape' retro technology thing, snail mail instead of email.

So what did I do? I bought myself a Moleskine. LOL I am going to write things to myself. I miss writing and playing with words. College is so stressful that I really lost the ability to read and write for pleasure. It's small enough to keep in my purse too so I will be able to keep it with me so I am prepared when inspiration strikes!

**************************************

Life is a whirlwind, only more chaotic it seems. I quit my job, without getting a new one, and this awesome job fell right into my lap only 10 days later. Things were so dark during those 10 days and I really let them get to me. It's silly, because life is cyclical. At the time, it felt as though that horrible job was stretching out into infinity - as if having worked there for a mere 6 weeks, I was somehow tainted for life but the social injustice being committed. Now I am helping to save people's money, albeit indirectly. Still, I know that I am contributing to a cause that is overall positive in the world.

Lesson learned - LIVE IN THE MOMENT

I wake up from dreams of blue black mornings silent before the sun shows its face in the winter dawn. Silent squares of the side walk counting down the feet to the dope spot. Me I never cop early. I lay in bed twistin and turnin and I am a junkie but I live by the rules of the streets as well. Sometimes I dont kno which comes first, but when shit gets serious the junkie falls back a minute, hidin in the shadows til I handle my biz before it comes out again and puts its bony hand back around my arm.

5 am only the feens and the crack heads are out. The real dope boys are back at home in bed gettin that beauty rest for a long day of hustlin tomorrow. Or out at the club slippin their hard earned dollars in some hoodrat hoochies g string. You pull up to the spot in those quiet hours while the city sleeps (for once) and you bound to get beat. That and the boys. It aint as easy to disappear into the darkened streets of Paterson NJ as it is in the city (NY). Its a small place. 8 square miles to be exact. I laugh thinkin off all the times we racked up more than double that just circlin endless blocks lookin for a spot that was open late night. Wheres a dope spot with that Wendys ethic when you need one. Eat great even late. Haha I crack my self up.

Sure you might find those whiteboys out in their new Explorers and Cherokees cruisin down 10th ave while the streets look like abandoned ghost towns. Ive took that drive before, not for dope but on the way home from down the shore after a long night involvin blunts and 6 state police and no arrests thank god. Noddin off in the eerie light that exists between sun rise and star shine I woke up to see my boyfriend takin the car off the parkway at exit 155P. P for paterson. P for perfect.

Where are we babe he said as i shook my head and realized that he had took the route thatd take us up to the northside by east main. You got off the wrong spot babe. Here follow the signs for 19 you can get on 80 from there.

As we drove thru downtown (The parkway spits you off its green n yellow signed ribbon at Grand St) and slowly moved up towards the good ol hood I watched suprised as I seen a scene from a old western movie only the houses more run down and covered with graffiti boarded up chewed up n spit out. Burned out windows like blind eyes tired of seein the distruction all over. but not a soul hauntin these streets. the boys take there job serious out here tho. Boys in blue that is tho the D boys are right up there on their grind matchin push for push.

Damn its a good thing I aint sick I think as we pass thru empty street after empty street, cuz aint NOBODY out here, the city barren and cold like we are drivin thru a doll house or a movie set. like there aint nobody around not a sound goin down. Dont get me wrong. Paterson pumps out D 24/7. Ive copped down at the pound too many times to count. After 2 in the mornin whatever it may be, but that was cuz my peoples were hustlers who stayed trappin out there and always had that fire even tho they were already back up in the buildin playin spades and smokin their off-work-for-the-night blunts by then. it was a favor not the norm.

but any of the street smart feens around here knows when the boys are out. Livin your life by the routine of when TNT is. (Tactical narcotics taskforce) Every city has their day that they do this. sometimes called vice day its all the same thing. Its bust the dopefeens day. In P-town it is tuesday last I checked. we always took extra care lookin out when we copped on tuesdays.

dont get it wrong you can always get dope in paterson you just might have to work a lil harder to get it and risk a lil more since at least its less sketchy to be drivin thru a dopespot as a white kid at 3 in the afternoon instead of 3 in the mornin. its just a matter of us carreer street coppers knowin the flow of the game n lovin our dope enough that we take care to work our shit around those rough times that are more likely to cause arrests which means the one thing a dopehead dont want and that is NO DOPE. i get just as dopesick as anybody else but the thing is i kno the hood better than those white suburbanites do, kno when its a bad time n place to cop, and am able to chill for a hour or two, a miserable hour of course but if it will keep my ass outta the county then shit.......i rather wait and get high as fuck to forget that extra hour of suffering, torture, unhuman agony than to sit it out in the back of a police car cuz i just had to go try n copp off some random bum cuz aint none of the real hustlas out at that hour and ended up gettin picked up cuz im white in the ghetto at 6 in the mornin over on so n so dope spot ave. yea right i aint beat.

So that is why I kiss my dreams goodbye one at a time as I always leave just one bag in the drawer by my bed side table and usually some dirty cottons as well and the empty bags form the night before. I will rinse the cottons first gettin the liquid a tint of brown as the mini particles of leftover dope somehow come together to make a tiny hit of dope in the needle loaded with 80-90 cc's. any more and when i draw back the plunger will pull out of the needle n loose my shot. Then i scrape the bags n see wat I got. hopin that it is to my satisfaction, that there was that invisible lil bit of white stank powder in that lil bag that somehow i didnt see and will scrape out makin piles like the snow after a blizzard and fill me with hope that i might actually get a decent shot and not just a weak ass hit of placebo liquid that will keep my pupils from dialating to the size of dimes and my ass from shittin out the entire contents of everything i ever ate in the past 6 months it feels like, for the next hour or two. Then i add in the last bag that i forced myself to save (ha ha....this is a lot more rare than i would like to believe it is) and mix it all up and bam push down that plunger and im racin to oblivion, well at least to a place where my bones dont ache (that much) and my eyes aint gotta squint to be able to see cuz theres so much light and i can bear to deal with the fact that im existing right now.

Yea thatll do it til i can wait a few hours call my man and start the cycle all over again. It might not get me far but it helps me pass the time.

diesel dream so warm n sweet
come n sweep me off my feet
n if this feeling end up deadly
in heaven have a bundle ready
12-14-08

i have a zillion thoughts swimming around in my head and i can't seem to write any of them down.

Well I'm still clean woohoo.
BUT the cravings are definitely bad..it's taking a LOT to resist I must say..pretty much main thing thats stopping me is alcohol and valium, and the fact im too damn grumpy to move off the couch.
I smashed my pipe today, feels good.
Basically I have been watching foxtel all day everyday, very productive.
Mates came over today, made me crave though because I could tell 2 of them were buzzed off their nut, but I resisted, I didn't even ask them if they had any (they wouldn't have given me it anyway..but still)

Mates are proud of me..yada yada yada
I'm surprised in MYSELF! This is by FAR the longest I have EVER GONE without using, sad but true.

I drowned my sorrows in 2 bottles of champagne tonight..bit drunk but hey !
Gets my mind off getting shards, thats all that matters.

Still got crappy migraines and muscle cramping, not planning on moving for the next few days. I'll just spend my time watching sex & the city, hehehe

Once again, thanks a shitload dudes and dudettes, you're a godsend

Hey all, just want to let everyone know I'm okay. I'm working in the Illinois Foster Care system (for a non profit). I don't really use much of anything anymore and if I do its a once in awhile thing. Just have a few beers a few times a week. I'm studying for the LSAT as well.

Just want to say hello to everyone.