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Each day is getting progressively worse in my head. I try not to think because I know my thinking is unrealistic. I create these painful scenarios in my head that are completely fucked up but I believe them nonetheless.

My friend wants to hang out and fuck tomorrow. Depending on my mental state, I might. The thing is that I have strong feelings towards her. Too strong to just be 'fuck buddies'. I haven't seen her in a while and I think I may keep it that way.

Have you ever just looked at someone you love and feel pain? I'm already hurting and don't want to add more to it. I see myself sabotaging this 'relationship' even though it would hurt me tremendously.

A day at a time they say. Yeah, its real easy to say but nearly impossible to do. Fuck Narcotics Anonymous.

This new year was spent in the completely opposite way to last year's but still had some similarities.

Last year was in Charleston with my American friends and their friends fucked off my face on a plethora of drugs, none of which were methamphetamine. I spent a lot of time with someone that had become dear to me through many close conversations and chats on line.

After being sober off drugs for almost 2 months and all the shit happening because of my drug use last year, it was pretty inevitable I would spend this new year not on drugs. I drank a lot of my favourite wine though.

I decided to not go to the party I was invited to by my new friends, basically because I was feeling ratshit, a bit empty because of memories of last new year's and also a bit mixed up in the head. I spent it at home with Dinkus the cat, who I like very much.

Hes put up with a lot from me, and after what we both had been through recently, I was very suprised to have him want to come over and spend new years with me.

I think he is a very lovely person. I am finding this liking of a nice, trustworthy person to be a new experience as Im very used to being closed to people, men especially, as I think they are generally eventually going to do something very bad. This is because of a couple of bad incidents with ex boyfriends. I dont want those experiences to scar my future friendships, as it almost did the friendship between Dinkus and I.

I value him highly. Its a good feeling.

Happy new year! :D

Another holiday turned to shot before 4pm... I had a date. One I thought would be instant hit. We had talked online for hours and wanted to see each other ASAP. He texts, hes still out of town with his parents and won't be making it. I am pissed as hell that I had trusted him before he even earned it. I warned him about the BPD, I did. He said he could take it. BULLSHIT. He doesn't understand why I'm pissed.

I had planned on meeting him in public and hitting it off. Coming back to spend New Years with a movie romantically with a bottle of wine. Even clean the hell out of my room because he is allergic to my kitten. I had planned all day and he let me down.

I wanted a man to prove that they aren't all the same. I thought this was it...but then again I thought S. was it too and now thats gone to hell. My other choice is one my ex banned me from speaking to, one that I don't find attractive and one with a 5 year old and a prison rap sheet at 23.
I don't know what the fuck to think. I'm all "give everyone an equal chance" it takes balls to tell me that you stole and had a huge meth issue and got got home from work sick because you were fuckin with methodone... who the fuck am I to judge. But I don't have a rap sheet. I've never even been arrested outside a danger to myself... what the hell do they call that a 501 50 hold.

I don't know what to do. Have him over and pretend like it never happened? Make him sit in the chair across the room because I don't trust him and I'm pissed as hell. God maybe I should had eaten today and I'd be less pissy. and maybe some pills are in order. what? I'm not sure yet.

Let see, I was alone most of last year because bf didn't want me to go out, so we fought and I was hurt and pissed off. I smoked myself fucking stupid high as fucking hell.

This year I'm hurt and pissed off because a guy I have never met"stood me up" and I'm alone because I want to wait for him and him to make it better and it to be ok. But he can't even tell me he can be here by freak 8PM, and I'm going to be high on codeine.

AM I MOVING UP OR DOWN FOR FINISHING 2008?

OH he did finally show, I forgave him. And then he rushed out the door less than a half hour after his midnight kiss, because he had promised to go see his brother...he would be quick and come back. Asked if he could text me. He never texted me, never returned mine. Never came back. I wrote him a message and he read it and didn't respond.....Just like M. would read my messages and not respond "because he to was too busy"...then he quit calling or writing at all, then "he didn't love me anymore:
this guy hits a nerve and doesn't even freaking know it

what will be the excuses now? And I am digging myself into a hole I know, because I WANT to like him. I WANT to believe him. I'm stupid and attract men that hurt me I guess.

2009 will be a good year. I know this because I will make it so. I have six very doable goals for the year, most of which I have taken steps to achieve already. I've posted these things I resolve to do in Healthy Living already, but it can't hurt to reiterate, and expand, here.

1. Run a 5K in February. At that point, my running goal is subject to change, but I would like to continue to at least be able to run 5K nonstop.

I was the fastest girl runner in the 5th grade at my school. I was pretty athletic then, played softball and excelled in karate. Then middle school came and being cool and boys became more important. I avoided gym on the days we ran the mile. Hated it and couldn't do it without stopping to save my life. And so it continued through high school. I got myself in excellent physical condition the first summer of college, but slacked off and partied the rest of the time, making it all for naught.

I've always wanted to set a challenging physical goal, something that requires training and dedication. A 5K might not seem so challenging to everyone, but to me it's huge. Running is something I've avoided most of my life and been terrible at it as a result. So I'm resolving to change that to prove that I can. And if I find out, once I'm better at it, that I actually enjoy it, even better. February 22, 2009 is the date. Wish me luck.

2. Continue improving my diet. Less meat, less dairy, more fish.

I ate a semi-vegetarian diet for almost a year and a half and I felt fantastic. It is harder work than eating meat and ultimately laziness won out. But, it's something that's important to me so I'm resolving to return my diet to something I'm proud of, something that's good for me and the planet.

3. Get back to yoga and make it a regular practice again.

I stopped because I had first, tendinitis in my thumb joint and then, shoulder pain. Neither is bothering me now. Yoga is wonderful for my mental and physical well-being and I resolve to keep that positive influence in my life.

4. Turn the TV off!

Winter creates the pattern of coming home, eating dinner, and plopping down in front of the TV. I do NOT want to continue this. There is a lot to do instead--playing board games, talking to/spending time with friends, canoeing or kayaking, taking the dogs to the dog park, and so on--and I resolve to choose those things whenever I can.

5. Be a dedicated student.

I'm being realistic about this one because I know being studious is not my forte, nor something I enjoy very much. So I will be as dedicated as I need to be to finish and I will try to gain as much from it as I can. April 2010!

6. Be a good friend and girlfriend.

I do, on occasion, neglect my relationships. I get caught up in myself and in other aspects of my life and I procrastinate when I have calls to return or packages to mail. I'm antisocial sometimes for no good reason. None of these things make me happy, so I'm resolving to not be so lazy as to miss out on the joy being involved gives me.

And with regard to my boyfriend, we've been breaking some previously unbroken ground lately and I'd like to see the potential positive effects bear out. I put a lot of that on him, but I'm certainly not perfect and I need to do my part to make/keep this a healthy, happy relationship.

Happy New Year!

WUMPA-WUNKA-WUMPA-WUNKA

I wake up to the sound of what I know right away is the front door being pushed, kicked from the outside and swinging in, the doorknob slamming against the inner wall and swinging back towards the frame, only to be pushed again and again and again by whoever finds this amusing enough to stand there and not lose interest. I hope for a few seconds that I wasn't startled from my slumber enough to not fall right back into it so I try, eyes still closed, pillow over the head now, blanket up over the pillow, and upon realizing the futility of my efforts start saying things to myself like "fuck" and "cocksucker" and "goddamn prick" as I sit straight up on the worn out hard wood floor where I sleep, have been sleeping, and open my eyes to let them burn a little by the light of the morning coming in through the uncovered windows. I can feel a small amount of cold air coming from the fireplace beside me and I look around the bare, furniture-less room and wonder how I got to where I am, certain I made a point to fall asleep away from the draft and I wonder how I knew enough to do that or if I even did.

With the WUMPA-WUNKA-WUMPA-WUNKA not letting up I get frustrated at my inability to focus on anything other than the noise I hear so rising, pushing myself up off the floor and nearly slipping on the slickness of it, my thin, dirty socks not offering much traction, I start yelling things like "Cut it out!" and "Fucking asshole!" and "Piece of shit!", making my way across the what used to be a living room and the sea of cigarette butts and soda bottle ashtrays, empty can's of High Life and Natty Ice littering the floor.

Coming around the corner of the hallway to where the front door will be in full view, the WUMPA-WUNKA-WUMPA-WUNKA still going full blast I give one good, loud "ALLL RIIIIIIGHT!!!" and stomping around I see the front door with one final WUMPA swinging open, towards me, the WUNKA as the doorknob slams into the inner wall again and then a CA-CHUNK as it's own momentum swings it back shut and locks it in place slamming into the frame, nobody standing on the other side.

I open the door, a decent hole now in the wall where the door knob was WUNKA-ing and stand, looking around for somebody fleeing the scene, a car driving away, but nothing. I call out phrases like "Hey, what the fuck?" and "Fucking chicken-shit pussy" and "I saw your face, you know" though I didn't, and I think they know that, too. I notice the markings of a dirty footprint all over the outside of the door and look out into the street, down the sidewalk, at the neighbors bushes one last time before giving up and going back inside, shutting the door behind me and locking it. I wonder things to myself like "What the hell just happened?" and "What am I doing here?" and turning to the right to inspect the level of damage the doorknob inflicted on the wall there is nothing, not a scratch, and I put my hand where the hole was before and it's solid and smooth. I look around to the other spots on the wall, other walls, and I open the door to see where the doorknob would connect and it's there, on the clean, flat wall where I first thought it was and I look at the door, the outside of it, where the footprints were stomped all over and it's clean.

Well... Looks like I'm going away for a bit. Long story (as always) I'm headed to rehab in the very near future. I haven't even been using besides the standard 6 pack a night.

The other day my mom stopped in my work to grab some lunch. As she was leaving, my boss/pseudo friend pulled her aside to tell her that he sees signs that I'm using. WTF? I've been working hard on myself, suffered the necessary changes and now I have this fuckin' guy who does meth rather frequently stating that 'he sees signs' of me doing drugs.

I spoke with my mom about it and, this is funny, she said she couldn't get a word in during the conversation with him and that he was 'very hyper' and his train of thought was all over the place

I told my mom today that I would go to rehab. I don't want to but I need to be unselfish and do SOMETHING to give her some sort of peace. The gods know she hasn't had any peace in a long time. If this will give her that then that's what I'm going to do

I'll benefit greatly as well so... Fuck it! The wheels are in motion. I'm aware that this decision will push the one I care most about further away but, at this point, I need to take care of myself and do the right thing so that my mother can relax and not worry about her son.

last year I was fucked and ready to give up. This year things couldnt be further from the dark place I visited back then.

I love bluelight it has saved my sanity on mnay occassions, offering me an escape from many a personal hell. Your all wonderful from the longest member to the newest.

∂ƒ©∆ˆ¨¶†∞§∞´˙˜µƒ˜©≤

So far the detox is going fairly well. I haven't drank any alcohol (though we had a family party where it was available and plentiful).

It seems that maple syrup has nearly run dry: it now costs $23 for a pint in this area. Therefore: my lemon cleanse fasting has been put on hold. I may just switch to a water/lemon juice/honey mixture instead. I wonder whether one can survive for... 3 weeks? on only lemonade?

I've decided to sell all (most) of my material possessions: xbox, iPod, 22" LCD monitor, 5.1 speakers, bass guitar, acoustic guitar, two cameras, one tv tuner, a laptop, vinyl albums, and assorted guitar gear. As far as what I have left: MacBook, iPod nano (for running), two 1960's rangefinder cameras + film, cell phone (never use it), books, a chessboard, and clothing.

I'm coming to the decision that has been looming for some time: what will I do with my life after college? Well, college has some and gone, and I'm still in college. I initially planned and hopped to get into grad school, so I am taking another semester of courses since grad school doesn't start until Fall 09. I'm still wallowing in my parents home, doing nothing with my life. If I sell all this bullshit that I've surrounded myself with, I think my decision may be easier.

My choices: grad school, the Marines, or a one-way ticket to Asia in search of a Buddhist monastery. Following the established path would essentially tie me down to debt for the rest of my life. Joining the Marines would (may?) be settling for/giving in to The Man, and finding a Buddhist monastery would be practically impossible. There is, however, a very enticing Buddhist monastery here in New York (which offers permanent residency, student status, ordination, etc...), but is 4 hours away. Furthermore, the retreats that must be completed preceding the acceptance of "student-hood" cost nearly $500- money I simply do not have right now. If I did sell everything, I'd have roughly $1000. From this total, I must pay for fuel to drive back and forth to college, as well as other general expenses- until May.

Joining the Buddhist monastery would probably be my favorite option, but the least likely. Joining the Marines would maybe be #2, and most likely. Coming in last, and middle of the road, is grad school.

Oh what a tangled web we weave...

Butternut Squash soup with ginger
-bake squash with olive oil
-grate a massive amount of ginger
-peel squash skin away and mash
-blend together and add a bit of water (or maybe soy milk?)
-Serve after simmering on stove

Crackers, cheese and Smoked Salmon
(self explanatory)

Bok Choy with garlic sauce

Chinese eggplant with tomato

Booze choices: Newcastle, white wine, proseco

Simple stuff...can't overload before a big party

I have a date tomorrow, wish a really sweet great guy. I was high earlier and had this and was happy...didn't last long. I never seem to be able to blog when I'm happy, something always gets it and ruins it.

I left A at 2.30am and just got home two hours ago at 5.45pm. Icy shitty roads.

Now I sleep:D

this is the test: entering this on my samsung epix. i'm glad the journal is effectively back, I enjoy looking at my past entries to see where I was during the years i've been on bluelight.

currently, I am in between jobs and it is stressful.

Anyone ever read my blogs?

Im sick of how the OATC clinic keeps on fucking with my methadone. Right now im out of town and they fucked up on my script. Ugh so much trounble all the time. The doctor has left me without methadone for saterday, sunday , monday and tuesday. He was supossed to make my script untill then but he fucked up and only made it till this friday. And now he is on a vacation and cant be reached. And the other doctor on call does not want to do it for me.. Such assholes.

Honestly.,,my clinic does not even have its own doctor,,we gota talk to them over the internet via webcam. Totally stupid bullshit. This is in Ottawa. When i was on it in sudbury the clinic had its own doctors. There are also many private MMT practices. But Ottawa only has one ...the OATC clinic. And it does not even have its own doctor. Such fucking bullshit.

This is the 3rd time they have made mistakes and i have been left without methadone. One time they didnt send my script to my pharmacy and I had no drinks for 3 days(friday, sat, sun). I had all my exams that weekend to study for and write. So I had to study and write them all dope sick. Then on the monday when I went back to get my drink and fix things they tried to kick me off because after you miss 3 drinks they kick you off MMT. But it was their fault ...assholes. So in the end they didnt kick me off since it wasnt my fault. But they said they couldnt give me my normal 110mgs(at the time) since i missed 3 days and my tolerance was down..So they said they had to give me only 20mgs. But i freaked out sooo much that they ended up giving me 60mgs. Now im at 60mgs cuz of that..FUcking assholes basterds.

Another time they didnt send my script for sat and sunday. Sasme thing again

So 3 times they have fucked me ovver..How is this fair? I need to find out a way to report this. I want the government to inspect the OATC's work and get them all in trouble. The whole Ottawa staff should be fired.

I've moved into my new apartment last Friday.

And

OMG

Ever since then the crazyness has begun...

My roomates are off the hook.

I've met up with some cool ass bluelighters.

Went to the most amazing rave ( besides ultrafest ) too bad I don't remember most of it cuz I was on lots of different drugs before i took the MDMA

lol, me and chicago66 was laying on the floor doing nitrous balloons, it was nuts, now pictures are surfacing all over facebook from random people and i'm in alot of them lololol... omg crazy shit....

it's like everywhere you walk in this city you can start a conversation with anybody about anything, theres so many cool peopel everywhere you go, i'm loving every minute of it..

i might as well party it up before january 6th... because that's when i start college, wish me luck... just felt like letting everyone know how my week has been

Remember Big Lebowski...orr the should I say
"the dude". That was one wicked movie. Honestly that has to be one of my favorite movies ever. Dunno why, just something about the way Jeff Bridges, John Goodman and Steve Buscemi have an energy acting together. They all really fit the character they are portraying. Ohh yeah and a nice cameo by Flea(Red Hot chillie peppers) as one of the German nihilists. heh suck a good film. if only I could go to Lebowski fest in Louisville kentucky.

I fell so hard for him. He was almost perfect. He was religious, but I could try to work with it. He knew about the drugs, didn't approve but didn't run. He wanted to see how bad is was, if I was high, I slept. Not that bad.

Then I came crashing down, too close, too fast. I self-harming as he pulled it from my hands. falling to the floor crying.

He left for holiday break and I don't hear from him. I used to hear from him every day. And now he doesn't call he doesn't text. I don't exist to him.
I'm trying to cope. I deleted his physical existence. Pictures, numbers, email...But I still cry.
He fell hard, he was wonderful...

He once said, you don't trust ppl very easy do you...I let down that wall and I got hurt.....
I still will cry because it still hurts....and nothing will take it away...

uhhh. Did about 150mgs of ketamine today..Didnt have that much fun at all. I guess I really dont like that drug. For some reason I always seems to get the opposite of euphoria from it...Dysophoria or whatever.. I like mixing it with other euphoric drugs though. Thats really fun. Like a Ketamine and MDMA...hmmmmm love that mix

IO hate when I go a little bit overboard with the diphenhydramine cuz im to cheap to use more of my opiates..Wana save them for the next day..

hmmmm. I think its time to reopen livejournal. Liz headspace is Liz headspace. Public viewing was okay for many years. But is not now.

So the liz headspace will just move to where it can be itself again.

What CAN you do if you are suicidal?
Tell someone of authority its lock down in a psych ward for a week or two and that SUCKS. And last time I came out swearing I'd d it right before I'd go back.

Get online and/or try to talk to people that you think are friends. Nope, its like they get pissed off that you didn't do it. Label you just an attention seeker. Especially with someone who is suicidal as often as I am.

Real "friends" (living) people- either have more important things to do. Or you get to the point just like the online ones, that you wear them out and they just don't give a shit anymore. "You've said it enough, go do it already."

What do you do? Where do you turn?
I think you just get to the point where you don't say anything at all and just do it.

You know ppl say shit like, "oh he seemed just fine, just a normal day." "why didn't he come and talk to me. why did he have to do that? "

^ thats why. Why bother saying anything anymore.

After eating like a pig for the past 5 days, it's back to anorexia and working out.

That is all.

Ironically I did go and see the four christmas's film which was so so. On the other side the amount of juggling that has to go on coming from a broken family and being involved with woman from broken families become a joke. This one doesnt speak to this one and that one does'nt speak to that one. Its one big complex muddle of family dynamics.

In saying that I did have a good time over the xmas period. Didnt miss much and didnt get elot but what I did have was good enough for me

Hello r2mx,

Apparently you like to read my journal. I know you used to when we were friends but I have no idea why you do now. Regardless, since you have taken the time to read this I will make this entry for you.

Nathan, I have been gutted since we fell out, and not because I feel wronged or whatever. I think your concerns are valid, and although the way you have expressed yourself has been a bit childish, you did have your best friend in your concerns.

It really sucks eggs to lose you as a mate, Seriously. I think you are very funny and good value to be honest, and just want to remember those good points.

I am sorry for many things. I know you were concerned about ny drug use and that of your friend. You were right.

You asked me to call you when I got off the speed. I been off 7 weeks, and thats a big block of time considering my habit.

I was extremely angry at some interjections from you into what I think were difficulties between him and I. Take note of the zero level of interference there was from me between you and your girl. You might have had the best of intentions but that sucked mate.

Anyway, the long and the short of it is this: Im pretty gutted at the way things are. Awful. I dont know what to do or even if there is anything that can be done to make things better between you and me but I hope one day we can talk as adults.

I know I have fucked up here and there. I dont think I can recount in my brain events and details as its all a jumbled mess.

I hope you can eventually see again that we did get along and acknowledge the effort put in to get off drugs, as you asked ages ago.

Ill be the first to admit that there has not been a normal Liz to be found when the drugs are taken away. Its fucking weird man. I dont know if what is happening in my brain will last or not. I bloody hope not as it is not pleasant.

Whats making this worse is the on going regret of losing you as a friend, and what happened between him and I. This guts me to the core.

I love him with a huge amount of passion. I sent him an email earlier which hopefully explained what I think I have to do that is right by him as Im pretty fucked in the head, having a crazy fuck knuckle as a girlfriend is not something I want for him at all. I wish things had have been better, or recovery more successful. This whole thing is really getting me down and I cant seem to get back out into a happy frame of mind where all can be good again. This is because, I think anyway, of a lot of unresolved shit between you and I, and some between him and I.

I want you to know, despite everything thats gone on, I miss you as my mate. I would be lying if I said I didnt. Does that make me a piece of puke you slip on in the dunnies at Splendour? Maybe.

Its the people in your life you have respect and love for that hurt the most when you lose them.

I was pretty fucking ill for a long time, getting better is going to be a long process and I need all the peace and calm I can get. Please respect my will to get better and also my love for him by giving me some space and maybe an open mind.

If its the best thing for him, to love from afar, then that is what I will do. But I cant, wont stop loving him. Hes one of the best people I have ever met.


Liz