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I THOUGHT 2017 WAS FUCKING DEAD.

How many goddamn heads do I have to cut off of that ferkin' bitch????

Halsten is...being difficult.

He has gotten my family thinking I'm batshit off the rails and everything will be better if I just GET MY MEDS EVALUATED.

Monday, I got four teeth filled, with four more needing attention and a root canal/crown which I need desperately or I risk losing ALL my teeth that I get to pay for OUT OF POCKET with all of my no money.

Also, even though I have a fucking IUD and we have sex less than monthly...I just had a miscarriage last night so that was a delight.

And yesterday, The Department of Children and Families called. Friday, they're just gonna pop on over real quick because someone let them know apparently Halsten "grabbed" Lucian. Apparently, grabbing is now child abuse worthy of interference by the fucking government.

And I *just* got in to see my new specialist who *finally* approved my new *teeny* narcotic dose but then called to say there was something she needed to discuss regarding my urine test...funny, I think I now know what it was...asshole. That's the sort of thing you should just fucking tell a patient and not wait two and a half weeks until her uterus falls out and drags behind her like a dirty toddler's blanket to share at her next, not-so-fuckin' urgent appointment.

What a great start.

Subs have been pretty good for the past couple weeks, leveled me out. I dropped from 1mg to .5 today. Having horrible racing heart and can?t sleep a wink. Working on a heavy project this week, and I want to use so badly, not sure how I can get through the next day. Work is in 4 hours (leave in 3) and only an hour of sleep.
My dream was very vivid, I was super excited to be talking to someone on the phone, and explaining things - so excited that it knocked me out of sleep and my heart was thudding.
Hope everyone else has a nice sleep.

fdafdewqfeqfew

Argle-bargle words.

I originally created a profile here so that I could maintain a recovery blog. It was good that I couldn?t start one right away because it forced me to interact on the forum which was better even if I didn?t realize it would be.

Now I can keep a blog here. Not certain I?ll use it yet but figured I?d see what it was like posting.

I spent like three hours looking this shit up, but the answer doesn't really go anywhere. Why not put my brilliant research on a subject, that turns out everyone else heard about on Reddit two years ago, here. It is not very interesting or funny.

TommyTerds said:

My girlfriend swears by turmeric and or green tea freshly brewed as potentiators

Click to expand...

In 2014 researchers showed curcumin might prevent tolerance and dependence to opioids. In mice, with morphine.

Turmeric is a root like ginger, and it's used as a spice in Indian food and a yellow dye (the stuff in yellow mustard). Turmeric has an "active" ingredient called curcumin (not the seeds called cumin that are way more common as spice). Curcumin was thought, based on real lab results, to be so healthy it cures diseases humans have yet to encounter, like through the future, it's so healthy. Basically every disease scientists threw at it, curcumin could cure. That's why I used to muck around with it.

> the bioavailability of curcumin is so bad, it's nearly below zero. Basically what little curcumin gets absorbed is rapidly destroyed or peed out, none gets to whatever tissue you're trying to get it to. There is a supposed trick using piperine and oils, but it brings us to

> you're stuffing turmeric in your gel caps, not curcumin. Turmeric from the health food store is like 2% curcuminoids by weight if you're lucky. Likewise piperine from black pepper. If you did find purified curcuminoids instead, it's frequently adulterated with toxic bright yellow pigments, because it's not very stable.

> the breakthrough oral doses the researches used for unmodified curcumin were 100mg/kg. So I would need over 6g of pure curcumin for threshold. From health-store turmeric, hoping for 1% curcumin, that's 600g, over a pound of powdered dried root.

> researchers had to tweak it hard to get it abosrbable by mice, by using: "state-of-the-art polymeric formulation technology to produce poly(lactic-co-glycolic acid) (PLGA)-curcumin nanoparticles (nanocurcumin)", something not yet at your Food CoOp (and I wouldn't trust it anyway, on an actual nanoparticle-scale). That lowers the threshold to 6mg/kg and restores baseline with 20mg/kg (a reasonable 480 - 1600mg for a 80kg adult human).

> researchers look at analgesia: they stick the mice tails in very hot water and time how quick they flick the tail back; and withdrawal: give the mice naloxone and see how much they kick. They got the mice tolerant to morphine by a) giving them a single whopping 100mg/kg dose. Five hours later, a 10mg/kg dose and do the tail dip OR precipitate withdrawal with naloxone; and b) the chronic junkie mice got just 10mg/kg morphine 2x a day for 5 days, then the same tests.

> if they doped the mice first with nano-curcumin, the pain-killing action of morphine remained at baseline, and they barely showed naloxone withdrawal kicking. Note that is the "reversal of dependence and tolerance" that the press went with, they don't mean it can necessarily reverse YOUR tolerance or dependence.

> This means, if you took a massive OD for your very first opioid experience, and re-dosed later that day, if you ate some super-curcumin first, you would find it restored the pain-relief. If you used large doses for five days, then ate the nano-curcumin, it would restore the pain-killing action and cut the naloxone kicking on your day 6 dose by half. Does that compare to a human who's used daily for years? No idea.

> Follow-ups show it CAN reduce hyper-algesia in mice, so maybe that really does apply to chronic users. Then again, they're backing off their NMDA-mediated model. For now they blame a protein kinase expressed in certain brain regions, with even less idea how it works.

Does pre-dosing with nano-curcumin change the subjective high? Can you get a nod with it? I'm thinking that's got to be attenuated too, if not straight dysphoric. The mice didnt kick, but we don't know if they weren't squeak-screaming silently inside the whole time. I know that morality doesn't exist outside human society, and don't see a moral sin seeking pleasure for its own sake; but this would be a free lunch, it seems like. Call it cynical cosmology, not puritanism. You can prevent a relapse of alcoholism from getting really bad with a Vivitrol shot. BUT IT DOESN'T CURE IT. You no longer get pleasure/relief from alcohol, but you ain't fucking happy, y'know?

Problem is, curcumin is notorious for screwing with lab results. Nothing has ever panned out for it in a clinical setting, and a lot of money has been poured on it. The original was done through the University of Illinois, but published in a niche journal. It hasn't been replicated, and emphasis is definitely on the promise of their fantastic new super-curcumin, not on a pure-research mechanism.

OK, so there's no real harm in eating turmeric before you dose. It'll just convert your money into yellow poop. I don't like the supplement industry, because they call their lawn clippings organic health food and make billions off of it. Nearly all of it is unregulated, overblown, bullshit snake-oil at huge markups. If you buy turmeric, at least buy the spice intended for food, not Vitamin Shoppe Online Life Extension stuff. The supplement industry poisons everyone with pseudo-science and convinces them eating a capsule they think is full of ginseng will counteract the high-sugar diet they eat. They're the ones who foist things like anti-gluten hysteria on us and reduce the nation's biology IQ down even further.

So in the name of HR, save your money, because there is no way to get that curcumin into your body, unless you know the people who wrote this paper, because they made it in-house (which is also a red-flag). To repeat, no amount of black pepper or green tea will get that stuff in your blood even if this paper isn't fraudulent (its fraudulent, trust me), unless you have:

a multi-inlet vortex mixer . . . One stream was 0.2% weight percent PLGA and 0.2% weight percent curcumin dissolved in tetrahydrofuran. The other three inlet streams were deionized water as an antisolvent to precipitate the drug compound and PLGA. The volumetric flow rate of streams 1 and 2 was 6 ml/min, and it was 54 ml/min for streams 3 and 4. Freeze drying of the nanoparticle suspensions was carried out in a freeze dryer at a vacuum pressure and 247?C. Trehalose and leucine were used to prevent nanoparticle permanent aggregation during the freezedrying process. PLGA-curcumin nanoparticles were homogeneously resuspended using bath sonication for 10 minutes before use.​

The Linus Pauling Institute (ironic since I think he was the guy who dumped all the "Vitamin C megadoses will cure it" ridiculousness on us) has a summary of the extensive research on curcumin, not a single useful bit of which has been developed. Other than methods to spot "Pan-Assay Interfering Compounds".

To answer your question, TommyTerds, turmeric does not at all, even in theory, potentiate any opioid.

So the guy who introduced me to my DOC, well, have gave me some more last Tuesday, which was my 7th day and I knew he would, I didn?t have to go meet up with him (though he did owe me money). So it?s a week later into this relapse. Have talked to a couple places about rehab but none so far arr willing to let me stay on benzos (21 Years and I?m not ready!) - so I?m just feeling super anxious and a little desperate. I?m going to try subs at home. Have a friend watch me the first day. Wait 30hrs before I take and start at 1mg. My therapist doesn?t love the idea but I want to just be off the oxy for more than a week. I got enough to last one month I think but if I feel I can do it in two weeks I?m going to try.

Feelin' The 99% Or
Being A "Have Not" In The Shitstorm Of "Gimme"

Take your pick.

I don't remember when I fell out of love with December. Was it when Santa stopped bringing the presents?

Did I always have a passive resentment because my birthday on the 29th was always ignored while my classmates had the whole day to be celebrated?

Perhaps because of countless parties and other events - just for me - were canceled because of extreme cold, snow or dangerous conditions, leaving me with inevitably soon forgotten promises to absolutely do it exactly the same way in the Spring?

Was it when I got knocked up (and she was born in January)?

The shocking realization suddenly I was Santa...and Christmas wasn't just magically going to be a brightly lit face under the tree Christmas morning...no. I had to get the gifts, wrap them, teach her about some fat twerp catapulting around the planet faster than the speed of light (skipping a whole lot of places...um, just because?) while, um, air horses with horns...huh? No, there are no wings, maybe they just fart hard...that could be the reason for the beard?

I had to literally maul fat, stinky truck stop ogres just to grab a handful of Barbie hair and a G.I. Joe boot in order to cobble a G.I. Barb....and then stab the SHIT out of them so I could get some reasonable damn gifts....MOVE! NONE OF YOU CAN READ, ANYWAY AND I WANT BOOKS, NO THEY ARE NOT CHEW TOYS FOR YOUR PUMA COYOTE HYBRID FEED YOUR PUYOTE SOMETHING VEGAN! NO, NOT *A* VEGAN, HAP LAWD JEZUS???

...oh, hell...a tree! Did you sugges...a plastic... BITE YOUR TONGUE, YOU SAVAGE BUMPKI....Oh, the closest place to get a real one is Pennsylvania? Um....so where's the Pine*Sol?

Wrapping. I'd rather attempt to make my living as a rapper than wrap gifts. One year, I was tempted to just wrap her head. I can barely wrap my head around a concept.

*TRIGGER WARNING*
December got a bit better when I met my girlfriend Jessie. She used to throw these awesome NYE key parties. After 10 PM, anyone entering tossed their keys in a bowl because you were not leaving, nope. Too many drunk drivers. Everyone came: aunts, uncles, parents, children, grandparents, boyfriends, neighbors. And slept over and in the morning, what a breakfast buffet!!!

She was killed on January 1st afternoon by a drunk driver. Herself. She used to collect glass angels and had several with her in the car. Not one of those damn things broke.

Fuck those creepy things.
*END TRIGGER*

And lights....and decorations....can we just move to the Middle East? I don't WANT to do all that! Meanwhile, my mom wraps up the cabinet doors in the kitchen so they look like presents. I want to eat glass and wash it down with bleach. I get anxiety spending money. It's frivolous bullshit but we have to do it - we can't tell our kids, *we* don't "do" Christmas because we're Pagan socialists. They're like, ya, ya 364 days of the year. 1 day, we're capitalist Christians and dear LORD GOD, I PRAY you bought me a bunch of useless garbage!!

My boy, sweet bunny, he said, "I don't care about stuff. I just like being with my family." And he means it. I've hidden his presents Grinch-like and he doesn't care. I think I gave birth to some otherworldly ethereal...well. Something.

I hate December because it makes me anxious looking back at all the things I didn't accomplish (and I know I have to let that dumb shit go) - the YEAR is ending, not my life. Yet, in a way...it is. A part of my life is irretrievably over.

A major part.

Halsten and I are divorcing.

The government says I'm a piece of shit criminal because I use drugs. But they don't know me. They don't see the good deeds I do everyday. The people I give rides too who otherwise wouldn't get to the clinic. The money I kick to that girl in need. The shoulder I offer someone to cry on. No all they see is a dirty junky. But that's ok because I know deep down that I have nothing to be ashamed of.

So I'm drawing the line in the Sand. I will bend over no more. Whatever happens from here on out is what happens

If I die I want these songs played at my funeral
Modest mouse edit the sad parts
New radicals. I don't wanna die anymore
Jump little children cathedrals


So I totaled my car yesterday cause I was wasted on xanax. Worse I only had liability insurance. I feel terrible about it. Luckily adrenaline kicked in sobered up. No DUI but I have no car now.

I'm trying to get up 150 for the ticket to San Francisco.
I just need a fucking life change I'm 29 it's time to leav

Have you ever been tweaking and bored out of whats left of your mind? Well, Ladies and Gents I have found a Solution and guess what, It doesn't involve Spanking your Monkey. So Heres the steps to either Keep yourself entertained or Kickstart a Rough Psychotic Break.

1) unlock your cell phone and go to the Language and Input Settings
2) Once there locate the "Text to Speach" Settings
3) Crank the volume and start Adjusting the Speed and Pitch... Enjoy

"A noted 2002 University of California animal study indicated that non-rapid eye movement sleep (NREM) is necessary for turning off neurotransmitters and allowing their receptors to "rest" and regain sensitivity which allows monoamines (norepinephrine, serotonin and histamine) to be effective at naturally produced levels. This leads to improved regulation of mood and increased learning ability. The study also found that rapid eye movement sleep (REM) deprivation may alleviate clinical depression because it mimics selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs). This is because the natural decrease in monoamines during REM is not allowed to occur, which causes the concentration of neurotransmitters in the brain, that are depleted in clinically depressed persons, to increase. Sleep outside of the REM phase may allow enzymes to repair brain cell damage caused by free radicals. High metabolic activity while awake damages the enzymes themselves preventing efficient repair. This study observed the first evidence of brain damage in rats as a direct result of sleep deprivation.

Animal studies suggest that sleep deprivation increases stress hormones, which may reduce new cell production in adult brains"

thisentry directly relates to the sad reality entry I've made. Life got better and I find myself in the blissfully ghetto and rustic town of yukon. My first apartment. Living in an inheritance blessed sanctuary, I felt free for once.
This lasts two months, as my solitude and ego turned into empathy for the one person who gave me joy. I felt so lost, not talking into account how life with your roof feels. So I made me a friend, routinely making a wish on a cheap geenies bottle, with the unspoken promise of the feeling of love and kinship for the night.
Every moment possible, she came to me, doing exactly what I wanted. My friends call it false confidence, but that same warn hug relief and the feeling of soon being numb enough to function enough to work towards a happy social life, was the temporary key to my demise. -------
When you live in poverty and can't get a job, time and thoughts dominate, as If replacing feelings of desire hope, worth, and leaving you concise to deal with this left open in your mind. This mentioned in my other entry.

It was colonial hills, aka "criminal hills " I settled in in no time.
It quickly became the most popular place to get away, relax, trap, and I felt poplar. But not kinship.
And just as I saw that I am exactly what I've been against I am truly, without trying. A junkie.
And I loved it. But that didn't last forever.

--- out of the dangerous drug infested couch hoping, and into the heaven of your safety, home, and no fear of that dangerous life to kill you inside. My roommate must not have cared, because his boss sure didn't. 2 weeks before rent, I finds this out. So. I put my life to the test as well as my religion. In hopes of death I found the answer, and I went to hell. Because here I am! ---

The first phase of my life I was allowed to exist withou emotional ball games and witnessing deranged things, my brain said #its over, you can be you, and there are no rules.
--- once the Initial glory went, my mind want ready for life. who is god? Is there a reason for my life?
Those questions doninate my mind even in a room full of people talking to me. Assuming everybody has those thoughts I hid it. Witnessing every warm emotion in others, killed me because they are all dead. Excitement was a great one. At least self initiated and not forced fake.
----- she hugs me and calls me her brother, as I can't stop thinking things dehumanizing, such as "does she feel this way or is it a phrase to avoid her own dead feelings. The euphoria takes over and the moment and laughter were all that showed. Knowing the cancer ensues her a short time, maybe she is like me.

Well, I had a couple little setbacks. I think I mentioned that last time. So at 7pm today marked 4 full days from that lil' snafu. The worst parts are over (again), and no, it's not okay to take a tiny bit of oxy in the middle of a detox. Really had to test the limits of that, I would definitely consider myself to be in the "learn everything the hard way" camp even though all signs point to DON'T BE A MORON.

Also knocked off the kratom experiments as I didn't feel anything but a weird caffeine pill (specifically that feeling, not like coffee) buzz from it and no real relief. I didn't ever take much, maybe a gram or 2 at once, so maybe you can argue that, but with all the chemicals floating around in my body I decided it wasn't worth it. Also, my bodega ran out of fucking Gatorade, which I will admit to tearing up at.

So, since starting this taper on Dec 27th, I *still* feel horrible. But it's just a tiny bit better. Yeah it's bounced back and forth and no I didn't do shit today, was sad to have missed the women's march, but it's OK.

Venting to my counselor with a crazed look in my eye last night about how bad I wanted to use actually felt GOOD after. And I am as cynical as they come. Still haven't made it back to any meetings since hitting reset on clean time, but I'm alright with it. I may even be alright with no maintenance meds. Going to take it minute by minute.

On a real silly sidenote, I realized I had not properly had a good cry in a while, and I mean like an all out wail-fest, and spent today properly mourning Robin Williams death by watching Good Will Hunting. If you need to cry, and need some help, just watch it again. It had been years since I've watched it and the floodgates opened.

Planning my next crying binge for Bowie, because I didn't cry as much as I should have over the past few years.

I've been journaling over in sober living for a bit, and have decided to move my digital dumping here for the time being, as I'm feeling confused and don't want to fuck with peoples recovery.

I don't feel like typing out my historical list of drugs and failure, suffice to say I'm trying to kick a nasty oxy habit that I can?t quit like that one ex boyfriend I had for five years too many.

I have been mostly clean since January 4th. I got to around Day 6, ran into a stash and all my resolve melted away. I was able to flush half, then give away another half, but hung onto a few pills. Took those after, and went and had a fabulous dinner (I've been tapering since late December and have lost 15lbs.), and then woke up hating myself.

In the short term being on this message board and going to meetings is helping me not lose my mind. The millimeters of what I will call progress, are that I actually had any days where I did not use. I have skipped the last few nights in meetings and I'm not really sorry about it. I?m introverted and I have found them to be overwhelming. I will try and go back, but I need to pause a moment. Looking into other options.

Last night was not one of those nights where I was clean. I took the last of what I had and attended a birthday party, for someone who is a brother to me. I couldn't do it otherwise. The will is hardly here on a minute by minute basis. I fantasize about clarity and peace.

Experimenting with kratom. I had always avoided it, as I never know how I'll react to drugs (lsd, mescaline, cocaine, molly, weed, all have had varying results). I don't feel anything from it but I also figure I?m still detoxing since I keep slipping in little bits of oxy.

Tossed and washed a bit ago, a new strain. Powder I had ordered finally arrived. Don't know why people complain about the taste, as it tastes like the earth to me. Better than chewing on a bitter pill.

In an alcohol, Xanax, ambien and light oxy haze last night, (relax, I know my tolerances very well) i desperately googled nitrous oxide depression therapy. Ah, so silly.

On the cusp of considering Suboxone or Methadone. Will be talking to my therapist about it hopefully Friday. For now I tick off some more minutes.

I'm super pumped for this year. I will be doing all the fun things. I have set plans for the following:

- Do yoga in India
- Ride horses
- Ride motorbikes on sand dunes
- Overseas in March
- Go for a long night swim in the ocean after I've smoked too much weed
- Pull off a fantastic prank of some sort
- Really long walks in the forest. Fuck running and running related activities - it's bad for the lungs.
- Get ripped to see if my bf is as repulsed by muscular women as he says he is (this one I probably won't do, but I'm enjoying talking about it for the time being)
- Fuck somewhere up high
- Go paragliding
- Do some art or craft shit and stick to it for a minimum of 6 months, even though I suck balls at arts and crafts
- Meditate my head off
- Catch lizards
- Go yabbying
- Make lots of money
- Complete studies
- Become the greatest Blogs mod the world has ever seen

That is all for now. I will update my Blog entries as I complete and/or start each thing on this fabulous list, as this will bring me closer to completing the last item on the list.

Happy new year motherfuckers

So it's 12/20 and the last mel22 sighting was 11/16

I am very sad about this. I hope the fabulous mod of this here blogs forum is a-ok. I am hoping she sees this and returns to play with the new runts in teh rounge

This week has been... BAD. A young family member died, massive heart attack. He was young, and I don't understand how he could have a heart attack like that. My own mortality is something that I am seeing very clearly and while I don't plan on staying on this Earth until I am 80, I find that my mortality is not as comfortable as I thought it was. My brain has checked out. Then I realize that it has been 6 years today since I watched a man go on a killing spree from a distance. I still have occasional nightmares of trying to help while completely helpless. Of watching human life get taken and being so completely powerless and impotent... I feel heavy. I feel weighted down, sluggish, slow, cloudy, hazy, lost, and empty...

In day to day life I don't allow myself to take the time to notice or heal the hurt I find inside myself. I am to 'busy' to allow myself to be real. I run on numb.

I just became a bluelighter and this is my first blog just testing it out

If we die, the next generation will fight them (skynet), too, for as long as they must, and eventually, we will succeed.--Wu Tang Forever

Hey everyone, just wanted to let everyone know that things are going well for me. Working full time, just got my own place and have a few guys I am working the 12 steps with.
I start college in the spring to be what I've always wanted to do, and that's helping both men and women recover from drugs and alcohol.

Wishing everyone a happy new year!

Ds

I originally posted this in the lounge but maybe it was too depressing to post there in an "off topic" area.

I have no fkn idea why I am posting this here or if this is the right sub forum to post a thread like this, but it helps and it gonna take me some time typing thru my blurry eyes. A little background. My younger brother is fighting squamous cell carcinoma. Much of his face is gone. His nose, all of his teeth, his jawbones, parts of his arms, legs, and so on.

He is a guy that could carry a fridge on his back while running a marathon, now he is just a shell of that. On top of the physical it has psychologically devastated him(and myself, mom, etc). He won't go outside anymore. I have nightmares every night about it and even scream in my sleep. I usually wake around this time from them and end up staying up.

What makes it worse is that I often wonder how many shut ins there are that are suffering right now because they won't go outside or get treatment. Are afraid, etc. This is an odd feeling for me because I am normally kind of an asshole.

Anyway, as mentioned I just felt like sharing. Because strangers, third party and all that.

Go hug your family, please.

Hi guys. I'm alive... badly injured for my stupidity but I'm alright.

Anyway, I was just shown a video of an experienced paddler in Capetown catching a giant squid that was injured, and drug it all the way back to shore where it later died.

Now, here's where I'm conflicted. This man @jamestaylor has it in his mind that he was trying to "help" the squid. He is not a marine biologist. At all. Just a very experienced surfer who lives his life on the waves. And loves the ocean. That's fair. And this wasn't just any kind of squid, it was a giant squid. It is one of the rare finds of human interaction with marine life. It's beautiful and mezmerising... but I feel this way about it;

We? As humans? Have our world. It is on the shore. Marine animals? Have their world. The ocean.
Marine animals all live and die, like us. And this squid was dying naturally in its own world, and a human interfered with that. For "views" or "research" (he tried saying research happened, but I've yet to find any direct sources of what actually happened to the squid once it was on shore and died. No research took place to my knowledge. Just pictures and videos. "Views").

...the fuck is the guy trying to do playing Mother Nature? Taking a naturally dying creature out of its world to suffocate to death in our world on shore and have a way more brutal death than it would have?

Like I said, it is very rare for us humans to come into contact with a squid of that stature... so it's very mesmerizing footage. But I mean, come on... really?

The ocean has more Force and power than our world. Who are we to meddle in what isn't ours? What gives us the fuckin right? I donno.

Just curious what others think about it and can't sleep.

So it has been a long time since I've been active on bluelight. It's funny, life just happens and you get busy.

Miss all the old days of Tiny Chat and all the cool people I met.

Retreading through all my old blog post is funny.

Feel like I've grown up a little bit.

Just finished serving out the tail-end of a three year prison sentence.
Infant son died in March less that two months old.
2017 has been a record awful year.
Gotta start looking up tho right?

Figured Id pop by the old MDMA stomping grounds.

Xo.

Well it's reached that point, again, where I'm wondering what's the point of posting here. Does it achieve anything, for me or anyone who reads what I write? Perhaps I get a chance to practice writing and trying to communicate a point, but the novelty and desire to hone a different tool is now being outweighed by a sense of pointlessness - this is a forum dominated by people who have minds clouded by substance use and who have natural political and social inclinations that are diametrically opposite to my own. I've been there, some of the people I know in real life are still there, and it's fucking pointless to try and reason with a person who is sharing their internal space with one or more parasites. I think a part of me wanted to try and break the spell in a few people by throwing out some criticisms and opinions that irritated them enough to begin to question a few of their own beliefs and actions, but then there is this common theme I've noticed since childhood and that is that the majority of people want to play games.

I don't think I can even be bothered to find another forum either.. the more I read and listen to people the more I'm convinced no one has a bloody clue who they are. It all seems like one big circle jerk. We're robots and 99% of people don't want to hear it. They want to believe they're unique, free-willed, and that all their cherished opinions and beliefs are well thought out rational arguments that they have someone earned by study or personal application, when they know the same as the person they argue with.. which is next to nothing. They think they know, but they don't even understand the meaning of the word.

It's time for me to accept the truth of the situation. This forum is good representation of the madhouse that modern society has degenerated into, and it is a futile and pointless waste of energy to try and change or improve it. I don't get a return of investment in terms of emotional connection either because it's digital and not personal, making it doubly pointless. This time I'm not coming back. Bye.