Blogs

MCNEILL CARSWELL APHRODITE

My Name Is MCA. I Got Nothin' To Prove. Pay Attention My Intention Is To Bust A Move[/I}--The B-Boys, License To ILL.

-Another Jerry's Kid.
-Loyal Friends (even just on Facebook) mean a lot to me.
-Stand By Me (film)



TRENTON HERMES CARTER

THC is a designer female hormone of sorts.
Peace, nigga.



MARY MARGARET



MARY MAGDALENE

Yes, Jesus had a sex life, too. Did He not?

So I take a lot of loperamide and have for awhile. So long now that I've largely lost perspective on how much loperamide constitutes "a lot" of loperamide. My habit varies from day to day, but hovers around 150-200 pills each day........Which is a shit-load. But since its a daily thing, and less than 150 generally means I'll be experiencing some very distressing withdrawal symptoms, I tend to thing of any less that 150 as "absolutely not enough" I was shopping at a wholesale retailer, the one connected to the biggest "big box" retailer in the US, y'know, the one from the Walton family. Since the big media blow-out about Loperamide, almost all of the stores that stock it are keeping it behind the pharmacy counter, which makes things more difficult for me because my idea of "a-lot" is exceptionally unusual. I went to the wholesalers pharmacy and asked for what I wanted, a box of 2, 200count bottles. The pharmacist gave me the visual pat-down, looked at my eyes, face, coat, everything. He went on to say "you're really blowing through this aren't you? y'know, its really not good for you to do what you do". I was taken aback by that. I said "what do you mean going through them?". He remembered me from 2.5 weeks ago, when I last came in, which for me felt ages ago. He asked what I was doing with it. I was now quite nervous, as I hadn't anticipated this line of questioning. "I'm just stocking up". "that's a massive stock up man, you know this stuffs bad fot your heart when you take it like that". Other pharmacists chimed in with their thoughts. "no I dont use it like that" I lied, now my hands were shaking, I wasn't sure if they would even sell it to me, which worried me, because I was 48 hours out from last dose and very uncomfortable. I was nervous, sweating, and my tremors were at maximum visibility. It was obvious that they'd figured me out, they knew it, I was now trying to speed it up and leave. Finally I paid and left. I said "thanks a lot buddy, I'll see you next time" and immediately regretted saying it, I left as fast as I could and haven't been back. Even though they have consistent stock and the rock bottom lowest price in the area, I refuse to go back, because I won't be able to face those people again.

Where is the message?

[TABLE="width: 99%"]
[TR]
[TD="width: 50%, bgcolor: #99ccff"][/TD][TD="bgcolor: #99ccff"]x
x
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HELLO​

x
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x[/TD][TD="bgcolor: #99ccff"][/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD="bgcolor: #a3b8e6"][/TD][TD="bgcolor: #a3b8e6"]

COME ON

DOWN​

x
x
x
x
x[/TD][TD="bgcolor: #a3b8e6"][/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD="bgcolor: #ADA3CC"]

STAY A WHILE​

[/TD][TD="bgcolor: #ADA3CC"]x
x
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[/TR]
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DOESN'T MATTER
​

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[/TR]
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[TD="bgcolor: #E63340"][/TD][TD="bgcolor: #E63340"]ANYwayx
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There's always a message.

What Ms. Duggles calls a "feel".


Keep

Looking​

[color="#000000]
x
x
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x
[/SIZE][/COLOR][/TD][TD="bgcolor: #000000"][/TD]
[/TR]
[tr][td="bgcolor: #ff0000, colspan: 3"][/td][/tr]
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[TABLE="width: 99%"]

[TR]

[TD="width: 50%, bgcolor: #99ccff"][/TD][TD="bgcolor: #99ccff"]x

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HELLO​x

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[/TR]

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[TD="bgcolor: #a3b8e6"][/TD][TD="bgcolor: #a3b8e6"]
COME ON



DOWN​x

x

x

x

x[/TD][TD="bgcolor: #a3b8e6"][/TD]

[/TR]

[TR]

[TD="bgcolor: #ADA3CC"]
STAY A WHILE​[/TD][TD="bgcolor: #ADA3CC"]x

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DOESN'T MATTER
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[TD="bgcolor: #E63340"][/TD][TD="bgcolor: #E63340"]ANYwayx

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[/TR]

[TR]

[TD="bgcolor: #000000"][/TD][TD="bgcolor: #000000"]x

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There's always a message.  



What Ms. Duggles calls a "feel".





Keep



Looking​[color="#000000]

x

x

x

x

x

[/SIZE][/COLOR][/TD][TD="bgcolor: #000000"][/TD]

[/TR]

[/TABLE]

The latest RC making the rounds is another 2-hydroxy substituted alkane, this one a two-carbon substance, usually taken orally as a miscible aqueous solution with multiple adulterants. It's thought to have diverse CNS targets, but is primarily gabaergic yet stimulating at low to moderate doses; severe complications have been reported at higher doses, including ataxia, respiratory depression and coma. Many deaths have been attributed to it. Let's have a listen in a representative thread:

"So, anyone else notice this? I get strange sensations, like an urge to flail around in a crowded room while surrounded by strangers attempting to secure a partner for an evening of uncoordinated coitus. I've used 2HO-ET five times so far, all but once was 108.2mL pure liquid.

The other time was when I let someone I usually trust pour it for me. I wound up blacked-out for 2.3 months, woke up to find my legs had been swapped with a rhino's arms. Anyone else with experience and this chemical know what might have happened? Thanks.."

[was going somewhere actually funny with that.]

palette-wise.


wapwapwapwapwaowaowoaowaowoaowaoawowaoowaowoaowaowaooawowaoowwaoowaowaowoo

palette-wise.







[td="bgcolor: #dfe6ef, width: 1000"]








_______________________________________________________________________________​
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______________i_____________i______________i_______________i___________________​
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_____i_____i_____i_____i_____i__i__i__i__i__i__i__i__i__i__i_____i_____i_____i_____​
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_____i_____i_____i_____i__i__i_|_i_|_i_|_i_|_i_|_i_|_i_|_i__i_____i_____i_______​
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[td="bgcolor: #6687b2"]










_______i i i i ii i i ii |i i i i i i iiii iii|i iiiii iiiiii iii i i i i i |ii i i ii ii |ii i i ii i i i__________​
[/td]


[/td][/tr]




[td="bgcolor: #557aaa"]










___o o o ___ |i i i i i i iiiiii|iiiiiiiiiiiiiiii i iii i i |||iiiii i i i|||_ooo o o o o o____​
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[td="bgcolor: #4d6e99"]












---------˛˝?ˇiiii iii ˙ˉ˛ˉ|||||o?~ ^o ??~o  oˉ˙˙˙||   ˙˙^ ?|?˛˙˙˚​
[/td]


[td="bgcolor: #446288"]






++later |||| can't right now++


----------|||o?~ ^ ?|?˛˙|||o?~˙˚^ ?|||o?~|?˛˙˙˚ii ˙ˉ^ ?|?˛˙˙˚?|?˛​
[/td]


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wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww​
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WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW​
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wwwwwWWWWWWwwwwwwwwwwWWWWWWWWWWWWwwwwwwwWWWWwww​
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wwwwwwOOOwwwwwwwwwwOOOwwwwwwwwwwOOOwwwwww​
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wwwwoooowwwooooowwwwwwwooooowwwwooooww​
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.....popppopopooopopooopoppoopoopoopoopoopoopoopoopopoooppopopoo.......​
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.

[/td]

have some more messaging

I thought I was safe in March...History seems to indicate otherwise.

I had a pretty intense, full scale breakdown yesterday and when I finally returned to my cognizance, I was reminded of a piece I thought I'd already shared with my Blue (and Green) brethren.

I was startled by two things: first, I hadn't actually shared it with anyone...and the date. March 19. 2017.

Here it is, in its entirety.

What Do You Do...


When you have no more options? Drugs don't numb the pain? You can't find the answer at the bottom of a bottle? Being in bed with someone, shopping till the cards are maxed, gambling away the last penny...nothing quiets the screaming, nothing fills that gaping hole?


Suicide is just stupid and wouldn't help anyway? You can't go to the psych ward because that would make things worse...you can't run away, you have responsibilities/kids/family/pets/whatever and you can't/don't want to leave because the thought alone sends you into hysterics but the thought of staying makes you want to throw up because everything you do just...feels like a goddamn failure?


Everything you fucking touch? Every word you say? Everything you're saying and doing is fucking WRONG? You're letting everyone down, including yourself? And no one has any problems telling you you're fucking up (in whatever language they choose to use, you hear what they're saying, fluffy bullshit aside)?


What do you do? The only thing you can: you sit in your pain. Like an ever-turning wheel, what goes down will go up again. When you are happy, you will be sad again...but when you are sad, if you wait, you will be happy again. This sounds like the shittiest advice when you feel like ripping off the skin from your face but if you're trapped in a corner with nowhere to go, the only thing to do is wait and it will pass.


It's called grieving and it fucking sucks. I'm grieving. Yeah, I'm writing about fighting to make this year amazing but every day is pain. Pain. But that, exactly that, is the nature of mourning: a period of grief, lamentation, sorrowing, desolation, pain, misery. What is significant about that? A period. It's finite. It will pass.


Everything passes. For whatever that's worth.


That sounds, on one hand, like some Gandhi-level wisdom. On the other hand, it also sounds like a door-knocker level length (or do I mean depth?) Hallmark card of pure bullshit.


I wrote it a year ago. I'm still in the corner, trapped there by a never ending cycle of [FUCK WHY IS THIS SO FUCKING HARD TO WRITE??] a cycle of Cerberus, each named something monstrous [Emaciation, Rejection, Miscarriage {wait, what the FUCK? I didn't even think I could fucking get pregnant?!?!}, emancipation, rejuvenation, celebration]...um...hey...those...those last three, fuck you...those last three were hopeful and I'm not fucking allowed to have hope, you fucklebutted snotwads of congealed jizzery...my life is a chili-fest port-o-potty. What is that damn light? It hurts! Stop with all that fucking giggling, it's like a bunch of fucking pink bats - get away from me and stop being adorable when I'm attempting to wallow in misery, who the hell let you in here, My Little Pony? I will not acknowledge it may be getting better right now because that might prove me right, dummy, and I am always WRONG, remember?? Whaddayamean, either way, I'm right? Who are you? Who's Ed? Id? Never heard of it. Pass me the sunblock.

[/td][/tr][/table][/td][/tr][/table][/td][/tr][/table]
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[table="width: 99%, align: right"]
[tr]
[td="bgcolor: #ccccff"]
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[table="width: 99%, align: right"]
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[/td][/tr][/table][/td][/tr][/table][/td][/tr][/table]
[/td][/tr][/table]

Jump to crazy table.
jump to other crazy table

<table> by itself means no borders

<table="class: grid"> a thick border around every cell
[TABLE="class: grid"]
[TR]
[TD]hello[/TD]
[TD]bonjour[/TD]
[TD]hello[/TD]
[TD]bonjour[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]hello[/TD]
[TD]bonjour[/TD]
[TD]hello[/TD]
[TD]bonjour[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]hello[/TD]
[TD]bonjour[/TD]
[TD]hello[/TD]
[TD]bonjour[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

<table="class: outer_border"> a thick outer border (you never know) "width: 500, align: right"
[TABLE="class: outer_border, width: 500, align: right"]
[TR]
[TD]hello[/TD]
[TD]bonjour[/TD]
[TD]hello[/TD]
[TD]bonjour[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]hello[/TD]
[TD]bonjour[/TD]
[TD]hello[/TD]
[TD]bonjour[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]hello[/TD]
[TD]bonjour[/TD]
[TD]hello[/TD]
[TD]bonjour[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

<table="class: hootenanny"> defining a table class, anything, defaults to a thin collapsed border around every cell.
[TABLE="class: hootenannay"]
[TR]
[TD]hello[/TD]
[TD]bonjour[/TD]
[TD]hello[/TD]
[TD]bonjour[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]hello[/TD]
[TD]bonjour[/TD]
[TD]hello[/TD]
[TD]bonjour[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]hello[/TD]
[TD]bonjour[/TD]
[TD]hello[/TD]
[TD]bonjour[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

But <"class: hootenannay, class: outer_border"> de-defaults back to outer_borders
[TABLE="class: outer_border"]
[TR]
[TD]hello[/TD]
[TD]bonjour[/TD]
[TD]hello[/TD]
[TD]bonjour[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]hello[/TD]
[TD]bonjour[/TD]
[TD]hello[/TD]
[TD]bonjour[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]hello[/TD]
[TD]bonjour[/TD]
[TD]hello[/TD]
[TD]bonjour[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

then there's "class: outer_border, class: hottentott", which goes with hottentott, ie. thin border around every cell. The first "class" call gets deleted on save.
[TABLE="class: hottentott"]
[TR]
[TD]hello[/TD]
[TD]bonjour[/TD]
[TD]hello[/TD]
[TD]bonjour[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]hello[/TD]
[TD]bonjour[/TD]
[TD]hello[/TD]
[TD]bonjour[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]hello[/TD]
[TD]bonjour[/TD]
[TD]hello[/TD]
[TD]bonjour[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

<table>with <tr><th>table header</th> . . . </tr>
Only the table headers are formated

<table="class: outer_borders">with <tr><th>table header</th> . . . </tr>
the title header overrides outer border, which persists.
[TABLE="class: outer_borders"]
[TR]
[TH]table header[/TH]
[TH]still heading[/TH]
[TH]not the same[/TH]
[TH]as captions[/TH]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]hello[/TD]
[TD]bonjour[/TD]
[TD]hello[/TD]
[TD]bonjour[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]hello[/TD]
[TD]bonjour[/TD]
[TD]hello[/TD]
[TD]bonjour[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]hello[/TD]
[TD]bonjour[/TD]
[TD]hello[/TD]
[TD]bonjour[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

<table="class: grid">with <tr><th>table header</th> . . . </tr>
the title header overrides the "grid" style, but then "grid" is restored.
[TABLE="class: grid"]
[TR]
[TH]table header[/TH]
[TH]still heading[/TH]
[TH]not the same[/TH]
[TH]as captions[/TH]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]hello[/TD]
[TD]bonjour[/TD]
[TD]hello[/TD]
[TD]bonjour[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]hello[/TD]
[TD]bonjour[/TD]
[TD]hello[/TD]
[TD]bonjour[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]hello[/TD]
[TD]bonjour[/TD]
[TD]hello[/TD]
[TD]bonjour[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

<table="width: 90%">,tr="bgcolor: orange" but no other tr=styles works, Inserted <table="class: outer_border, width: 500"> fucking with formating the table headers just reverts back to "th" style, and removes <br> and spaces.
[TABLE="width: 90%"]
[TR]
[TH="align: left"]table header[/TH]
[TH="align: left"]still heading[/TH]
[TH="align: left"] not the same[/TH]
[TH="align: left"]as captions[/TH]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD="align: center"]hello[/TD]
[TD="align: center"]bonjour[/TD]
[TD="align: center"]hello[/TD]
[TD="align: center"]bonjour[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR="bgcolor: orange"]
[TD][TABLE="class: outer_border, width: 500"]
[TR]
[TD]here's[/TD]
[TD]in[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD="align: center"]another
.[/TD]
[TD="align: center"]the
.[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR="bgcolor: blue"]
[TD]table[/TD]
[TD]table[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]
[/TD]
[TD="align: center"][/TD]
[TD="align: center"]hello[/TD]
[TD="align: center"]bonjour[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]hello[/TD]
[TD]bonjour[/TD]
[TD]hello[/TD]
[TD]bonjour[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

edit: yes, can change font on th.

other table

wurz
[/td][/tr][/table]
[/td][/tr][/table]
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[td="bgcolor: #000000"]






[td="bgcolor: #0000ff"]






[td="width: 300, bgcolor: red"]

[table="align: right"]

[tr]

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[td="width: 290, bgcolor: #000000"].

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[td="width:600, bgcolor: red"]

[table="align: center"]

[tr]

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[td="bgcolor: #0000cc"]






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[td="bgcolor: #000066"]






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Is this all there is?

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[td="width: 300, bgcolor: red"]

[table="align: left"]

[tr]

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[td="bgcolor: #0000cc"]






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Tables: Before you yawn and go back to just pasting cat gifs for emphasis, it's how the entire internet does page layout in html.

There are three vBulletin c/o Bluelight Official Formats, plus some hacks. Note that "tr" means table row, "td" means table data (ie., single-cell contents) and a secret "th" is "table header" that automatically centers, bolds, and thin-grid outlines. There are no column tags.

No borders:

Outer border:
[TABLE="class: outer_border"]
[TR]
[TD]Codeine[/TD]
[TD]Kratom[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Loperamide[/TD]
[TD]DXM[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Cimetidine[/TD]
[TD]White Grapefruit Juice[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

And thick grid:
[TABLE="class: grid"]
[TR]
[TD]Codeine[/TD]
[TD]Kratom[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Loperamide[/TD]
[TD]DXM[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Cimetidine[/TD]
[TD]White Grapefruit Juice[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

You can get a thin grid manually if you choose an undefined class (pretty sure "lopelover" is not a defined class in the bluelight style book, at least so far):
[TABLE="class: lopelover"]
[TR]
[TD]Codeine[/TD]
[TD]Kratom[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Loperamide[/TD]
[TD]DXM[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Cimetidine[/TD]
[TD]White Grapefruit Juice[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]



You can also nest tables, set fixed pixel-widths OR percentage of the screen to fill, and set the color for the background, probably the handiest thing in all of BBCode-dom. Note that's one large 1x3 table, each cell containing another table, aligned right, left and center, variable widths and borders.
[TABLE="class: outer_border, width: 95%"]
[TR]
[TD="bgcolor: ivory"][TABLE="class: grid, width: 50%, align: right"]
[TR]
[TD]

benzo​

[/TD]
[TD]

azepine​

[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD="align: center"]tropane[/TD]
[TD="align: center"]alkaloid[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]
[/TD]
[TD="bgcolor: orangered"][TABLE="class: outer_border, width: 70%, align: left"]
[TR]
[TD]beta-carboline[/TD]
[TD]passaflorine[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]phenones[/TD]
[TD]benzo ones[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]
[/TD]
[TD="bgcolor: olive"][TABLE="width: 25%, align: center"]
[TR]
[TD]pethidine[/TD]
[TD]mPPP[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]prolintane[/TD]
[TD]MDPV[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]
[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]



Just about anything can go in a table cell, like other tables, but also bulleted lists and images. You can also make a cell span multiple columns.

[TABLE="width: 90%"]
[TR]
[TD="bgcolor: ivory"][/TD]
[TD="bgcolor: ivory"]

*
*
*
that's a cat​

[/TD]
[TD="bgcolor: ivory"]

1. substituted
   .
2. phenyl
   .
3. morpholines
   .

[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD="bgcolor: maroon"]

phenmetrazine​

[/TD]
[TD="bgcolor: indigo"]

diphenyl piperidines​

[/TD]
[TD="bgcolor: darkslategrey"]

nicotine​

[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD="bgcolor: deeppink, colspan: 3"]

or span across the whole thing​

[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]



For now, with great shame, my only hack to get vertical alignment working is to insert text, then make the font color match the background color. A similar trick with invisible cells can make the columns all the same width. That starts to eat into the time you need to update the loperamide body count tracker.

Pasting from a spreadsheet or word processor works pretty well, best to keep the formats to a minimum and only things you know vbulletin can handle.

Questions? Why yes, there's still more hacks uncovered every day!

Rumor of my demise was greatly exaggerated. I did a month in the phych Ward. It was the hospital. I met a few cool people. I was content there for the most part. They kicked me out eventually though.

I already conned my new phych doc into writing me gabapentin. I'm downing it by the handful because I'm a drug addict. I could of gotten benzos but I don't want to come off them again. Too painful. I'm such a drug addict it's kinda comical. I know exactly what to say and do. It's funny if it wasn't sad. Oh well that's life.

I'm a messy motherfucker. My life is messy. My clothes are messy. I write messy. I'm just messy. I think I like it this way. I'll never change.

I love you guys.

I can finally post blogs here now. It took me 4 years of being a member of Bluelight to finally get the necessary # of posts to do this. Finally I'm Blue.

I'm Blue in every sense of the word.

Today I'm dealing with the fallout of the explosion and disaster of yesterday. Its a long story, and to understand I'd have to go way back in time, but I'll start in November of last year, 2017. I've been in school, going back for a second degree, to become a Substance Use Disorder Councillor. I'm an addict, and I've lost so many friends to it, and I've put my family through a lot of bullshit. I've been in for 2 semesters, and I'm doing really well, almost top of my class, and I've been on the Deans List for the whole time, which is great.

My family really wanted me to complete my degree and enter the professional world ASAP. I need that bad, my life is crawling through slowly with nothing changing for the better. I thought I'd be able to graduate in 2 semesters. I told them this. I'm not sure why, but even after my advising appointment, where i learned i needed at least one more semester and a 12 credit practicum to finish it, I continued thelling them I was almost done. I guess I figured that I'd be able to come to them with the truth later, but in a way that didn't make me look like a shit head.

I always planned to tell them. but each day it was easier to put the truth off until tomorrow. It felt ok to do because I WAS going to come clean.

But it went on and on and on, getting deeper and deeper. Told them that I found a job, I was interviewed, that I was waiting for a call-back, that I GOT the call back, that I would be starting in mid Janurary, that they'd be giving me benefits and health insurance. It just kept getting more elaborate and deeper. By the time my start date came around I hadn't told them anything yet. So when It came around, well, I left the house all day, 9-5. Trying to figure out what to do. I've had to hide my financial aid information, because If they saw it they would know I wansnt actually done with my degree. I had to do A LOT of stuff to keep up the lie, it took me an absurd amount of effort just to maintain the neutral atmosphere of my new life.

Every question they had for me I had to think on my toes. It got to the point where I had so many lies that I'd make mistakes, and have to lie more to rationalize an explain the inconsistencies. The remained skeptical but I kept going. "Do you really have a job?" "you really graduated?'". So many questions. Every night I'd lay in bed, thinking of all the things I've said and explained and defended. How in the fuck was I going to get out of this?

By the time valentines day rolled around, I knew I was in way too deep. At this point I had more or less invested 100% of my families trust in me into this fake life I'd been feeding them. They constantly wanted to see my W2 form, or pay stubs, to ensure I wasn't lying. I couldn't produce them, so I had to fabricate stories of emergency's at work, or traveling to different towns for work to explain why I forgot my W2 this time.

This weekend though, it all crashed to bits. I was asked to offer definitive proof of my job. They routed around my stuff while i was working at my part time job (that I've had for awhile) and found my bank account log in information. Logged onto my account, and discovered I had nowhere near the amount of money I supposed to have. They asked me about the job and I tried to keep it going, but then they went dark, started accusing me of being addicted to hard hard drugs, or stealing. I reasoned that this was my time to come clean, I don't want them to believe that i spend $4000 a month on heroin and crack, so I told them that I did not have a job.

I quickly regretted this. They melted and exploded at the same time. I've rarely seen such rage before, and since it was my family, it was worse. I had gone too far. I put off telling the truth early on because it felt easier to maintain the status quo of the household, and to keep them off of my back long enough to figure out what to do to fix things. But, things rapidly escalated until I felt I was in wayy too deep. I was certain that If they found out, I would loose them 100% permanently, that there would be no way back, no way out, that things would be irreparably destroyed. I'd look at them and see that I was going to kill them if they knew the real story.

They found out though. Quickly. And boy o boy was that a cataclysmic event. Every night and day I've been worrying and obsessing over this elaborate illusion I've been working, swimming in the guilt of it all, an ice cold ocean that got deeper and more frigid with each lie I added; With each new day and each new lie I drifted further and further away from the shore line, and now I cannot see any land anywhere. I don't see salvation. Now that they know, It feels as though that knot of worry in my heart had been cut up and ripped apart, becoming evenly distributed throughout my entire body.

I was scared of the worry, and the anxiety of loosing the illusion I worked so hard to maintain. But now things are worse, because there is no way back, that path and all of its options have been washed away. This was such a monumentally disrespectful and selfish thing for me to do, and I very much doubt that I'll be able to regain any significant ammount of trust from them at all.

I've got no full time employment, my degree is halfway complete, but I wont be able to afford finishing it. The engine of my car seized, and I got no money from scrapping it, and I have barely enough money to continue to work my part time job. Worse still, I live with my family, my parents, and I eat their food and use their internet. They've given me so much, sacrificed so much, and I have more or less ruined their life with my dumb assed choices. I'm so far behind with my life, and I know that when they look at me they only see and ungrateful consumption engine, who just consumes and consumes and takes and steals and consumes some more. An engine that consumes value but only shit comes out in return.

The trust is gone for good, it wont return. Even if I am able to get back into their good graces, it can never be like it was before, not anywhere close.

Its so stupid. I did all of this in some wierd fucked up effort to keep the household positive. I wan trying to keep them from worry, they worry so much, but all it did was make the situation that could have just been a minor inconvenience or worry into an insurmountable violation of trust that will be the death of love and happiness in this household and family.

I'd kill myself or just pack my shit and leave, for anywhere, but I know that those things are the only things I could do that would make this worse than it already is. I wish I could go back and tell myself to never do this, but I guess you learn from your mistakes, and this is a big ass lesson.

I got me an Ativan script today from the php doctor. 30 pills of content. Fucking love benzos. Especially a long half-life one like lorazepam. Hopefully I can use responsible enough not to end up dependant. I will tell you that I already feel better about life since I ate the first one.


Love you guys
Drew

Well, I thought I was doing pretty good. Stuck with the subs five weeks now but got some sort of infection that made my tounge swell up huge, and haven?t taken the past two days as they are films.


Then...



Somehow my brain fucking shit off today, and I cold copped. I have never successfully done this before, first time I was ripped off about a year ago. I went for h. I got it fine.
I have fent strips. I tested a tiny amount in a spoon, think amount on the tip of a sharp knife, maybe 1mm diameter, and it popped positive for fentanyl twice. Which has deterred me enough from doing a line, tho I did sniff bag residue before testing as it did have the faint smell to it.
Plug is being very pushy and insisting it?s fine, sniffs 5-7 a day.

Anyway just feel like I really fell off the wagon, like emergency ejection.. but I?m gunna hold off and try subs at a different ROA asap in morning.

:-/

So today, is a fucked up day..

At the place I work at we have this thing called 'community' where all of the 'peer mentors' sit in a circle, and we go around in the circle, and each person has things we call 'issues' that they claim, for example: hey i am drew, and I have 4 issues, 1 late for a meeting, 2 file issues, and 1 room issue, and the next person does something like so 'jenna, 2 issues, late for work, and file issue. and when you have 5 issues, then you get 'hit on the boards' we call it, where 3 people inside the circle 'take numbers' which is like this:
1_Do nothing
2_Suspended w/contract

now the 3 people take numbers,
3_I want you to be early to all functions, Property restrictions, call sponsor, 9+3 meeting count, anger journel, fear journel, god box, share at meetings,etc.etc.
4_etc..
5_etc...

So everyone in the circle has to stand up and vote for one of the suggestions.

I say today is a fucked up day because today it was ME that was hit on the board, and for total bullshit.
Someone in the circle 'held a concern' on me, which dude was like:
dude:drew, i was told in the grapevine that your brother passed away, and i am concerned that you dont pull up on your brothers here and talk with them.

me:yeah my brother did pass away, and i do speak with my brothers here, i just choose not to speak with you.-end

So 3 people in the 'communtiy' picked numbers, and the number I got was something like this:
15mins in detox 3x a week, 3x extracurclucar activites a week with peer mentor,chair homegroup meeting, tell story @ meeting, river walk(walk along the river),honesty feeling letter to mom, and goodbye letter to brother, and 1,500 words on a topic they picked. 2week contract.

Its not the contract I don't mind, Its the fact that the dude did not pull up on me before 'community' to speak with me. Hell I don't even fuck with this guy, and for the simple fact that I dont go around and talk about my brother passing away gave him a right to 'concern' me in community.

Yeah i am pretty upset about it, and really upset that the individual that concerned me doesn't even talk to me. The guy is a moms boy, and has never touched 'hard drugs' besides weed.
To be 100% with yal, I think he is just upset because I got a supervisor position at work, and he did not. the dude even told me that he was mad that I was became supervisor. which in reality I really didn't want the job, because my time was coming up 'in the office' that I was working on getting a job outside of the treatment center.

So, just trying to deal with this shit, and on top of my brother passing away, i feel a resentment brewing. I really need to take a look at it becuase I don't want to get high over this shit.

My Creator, I am far too much influenced by what people think of me.
Which means that I am always pretending to be either richer or smarter or nicer than I really am.
Please prevent me from trying to attract attention.
Don't let me gloat over praise on the one hanf or be discouraged by criticism on the other.
Nor let me waste time weaving inaginary situations in which the heroic, charming, witty person is myself.
Show me how to be humble of heart like you.

First time writing a blog, well good luck to me, haha!

------

Black Forest, Germany, about 2 year and a half ago, I have woke up and my house was burning. Quickly got into the attic, luckily and looked for my equipment ( weapons, binocular, flashlight, differents kinds of supplies, clothes, gloves, tent, backpack, etc) my eyes were running, I couldn't be able to walk through the front/back door and so proceed to jump right through the window. Tried to announce the marshal, but then in my head I have thought.. why? even if they extinguish is the same situation. Didn't have too much food at me, only some sandwiches and few slice of meat, eated and waited for the night to falloff. Wanted to hunt something and thought about a deer or a bear, couldn't see anything and so I have climbed into the tree, about 2 mile away saw one bear, hoping not to vanish , runned fast, grabbed my CZ - 750 and shot him right into the head. Sliced his meat off, set-up a little campfire, cooked something of it but not entierly because it started raining. Since I know the woods, basically my soul was born with it along, knew that 5 miles away there was a little cave, walked and saw a pack of wolfs, I remember that even though I saw prints and traces, there wasn't another road to it, heard them howling and they were with the alpha and the elder of the tribe, a big black whitsh splashed mane, didn't want to shot them but one of them saw me, even then I didn't want to kill him because I have the wolf spirit inside. He surrounded me and thought not to make a move and do what my souls says, don't know why but he didn't kill me, meanwhile the rest of the pack arrived and the alpha came and smell me and my stuffs, after that the older one came, since i'm a hunter I know what animal language signs and means are, he wanted to put me on knees and bend my head, he howled into my ear, grabbed my talisman, he was licking it and knew that he wanted me to put a leash on him. It felt like a ritual and that night I have spent around them... they didn't treat me like a stranger but only showing me curses and blessings, spent about 2 weeks along them and then decided to became a nomad, it was the right decision to me since I love freedom and traveling and this lifestyle was and still is perfect to me. You hear stories from different peoples around the country, seeing fun gifted experiencies that even if you got there before, they will be different. Meeting strange beautiful shape and faces, can't be explained, you have to live it. It's just something that you will not get bored.

New today: css includes "table[attributes style] { . . . }"
Is that vB code syntax? What's the difference between an attribute and a style? Let's find out!

width:90%, class: outer_border
[TABLE="class: outer_border, width: 90%"]
[TR]
[TD]wrods[/TD]
[TD]words[/TD]
[TD]sequipedalian[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]wrods[/TD]
[TD]words[/TD]
[TD]sequipedalian[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

outer, 60%
[TABLE="class: outer_border"]
[TR]
[TD]wrods[/TD]
[TD]words[/TD]
[TD]sequipedalian[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]wrods[/TD]
[TD]words[/TD]
[TD]sequipedalian[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]
There you go, children, putting width last is ignored. ONLY with outer_border and grid. Because you call it, therefore [attributes style], before the two vB classes.
Note table[attributes style] reads align: right as "float: right;"

" class: grid align: center, width: 60%, align:right"
[TABLE="width: 60%, align: right"]
[TR]
[TD]wrods[/TD]
[TD]words[/TD]
[TD]sequipedalian[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]wrods[/TD]
[TD]words[/TD]
[TD]sequipedalian[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]
BUT NO! Now it recognizes width, and the proper-punctuated align
INTERESTING: left out comma cause it's not mentioned in CSS. It should read "class:cms_table_grid_align_center" which would revert to .restore td and put a 1px black collapsed border on everything, but instead reverts to html old-school table (no borders).

"width: 60%, class: grid align: center"
[TABLE="width: 60%"]
[TR]
[TD]wrods[/TD]
[TD]words[/TD]
[TD]sequipedalian[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]wrods[/TD]
[TD]words[/TD]
[TD]sequipedalian[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]
same thing.

"align: right, class: grid align: center, width: 60%"
[TABLE="width: 60%, align: right"]
[TR]
[TD]wrods[/TD]
[TD]words[/TD]
[TD]sequipedalian[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]wrods[/TD]
[TD]words[/TD]
[TD]sequipedalian[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]
recognizes "align: right" AND "width: 60%". So order doesn't seem to matter. And it's not like the syntax is then "attribute style" like "width 60%" or anything.

[TABLE="width: 50%, align: right,"]
[TR="bgcolor: white"]
[TD=""]wrods[/TD]
[TD]words[/TD]
[TD]sequipedalian[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]wrods[/TD]
[TD]words[/TD]
[TD]sequipedalian[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

NB! The bottom row there is colspan syntax: <TD="colspan: 5, align: center">
The vB Code also hasn't erased the row for that: <TR="class: sortbottom">
OK, in html it becomes "class=tr.cms_table_sortbottom.cms_table_outer_border.tr" which obv. is not a real class, but table row was never restored, no ".restore tr"
Just tr[Attributes Style] {vertical-align: top;} which is really annoying, that top align.
and tr {display: table-row} with inherited border-color. Don't get the user agent stylesheet yet.

note td[attributes style] {text-align: -webkit-center;}
td, th {display: table-cell; vertical-align: inherit} So the table header inherits the center valign, but table-row gets top?

The example below specifies the background color and text color of <th> elements:
[TABLE="class: thick outer border, width: 908"]
[TR="bgcolor: #4CAF50"]
[TH="align: left"]First Name[/TH]
[TH="align: left"]Last Name[/TH]
[TH="align: left"]Savings[/TH]
[/TR]
[TR="bgcolor: #F2F2F2"]
[TD]Peter[/TD]
[TD]Griffin[/TD]
[TD]$100[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Lois[/TD]
[TD]Griffin[/TD]
[TD]$150[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR="bgcolor: #F2F2F2"]
[TD]Joe[/TD]
[TD]Swanson[/TD]
[TD]$300[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

Still displays with borders when published, still maintains all other formating.

Trying without the "advanced editor

[TABLE="class: table, width: 944"]
[TR]
[TH]Drug[/TH]
[TH]Dose[/TH]
[TH]Euphoria[/TH]
[/TR]
[TR="bgcolor: #DDDDDD"]
[TD]Fluorodozepam[/TD]
[TD]benzobuddy[/TD]
[TD]hootenanny[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]dihydromorphinone HBr[/TD]
[TD]Super Tingly[/TD]
[TD]online[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR="bgcolor: #DDDDDD"]
[TD]threo-cepio[/TD]
[TD]Roland[/TD]
[TD]that was meh[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Strontium 90[/TD]
[TD]It's in your bones[/TD]
[TD]UK[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR="bgcolor: #DDDDDD"]
[TD]sodium dodecylsulfate[/TD]
[TD]crashes out at like 18C[/TD]
[TD]Canada[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Marinara sauce[/TD]
[TD]Penne v. Ziti[/TD]
[TD]Italy[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

This one displays grid for title row only.

Try it Yourself ?
Defining an HTML Table

Trying without the "advanced editor"

Last experiment on this post:


[TABLE="class: outer_border, width: 944"]
[TR]
[TH="bgcolor: #8b008b"]title header[/TH]
[TH="bgcolor: #8b008b"]category two[/TH]
[TH="bgcolor: #8b008b"]auto-grid around header[/TH]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TH="align: center"]Drug[/TH]
[TH="align: center"]Dose[/TH]
[TH="align: center"]Euphoria[/TH]
[/TR]
[TR="bgcolor: #DDDDDD"]
[TD]Fluorodozepam[/TD]
[TD]benzobuddy[/TD]
[TD]hootenanny[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TH]dihydromorphinone HBr[/TH]
[TH]Super Tingly[/TH]
[TH]online[/TH]
[/TR]
[TR="bgcolor: #DDDDDD"]
[TD]threo-cepio[/TD]
[TD]Roland[/TD]
[TD]that was meh[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Strontium 90[/TD]
[TD]It's in your bones[/TD]
[TD]UK[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR="bgcolor: #DDDDDD"]
[TD]sodium dodecylsulfate[/TD]
[TD]crashes out at like 18C[/TD]
[TD]Canada[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TH]Marinara sauce[/TH]
[TH]Penne v. Ziti[/TH]
[TH]Italy[/TH]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

[TABLE="width: 90%, align: right"]
[TR="bgcolor: blue"]
[TD]

Here's something interesting: "Yquote" is rendered as a table, width="90%" cellspacing="5" cellpadding="5"
a single cell, td style="border: 1px dashed; border-color:#0d1e3e; background:#f8f8ff;" then <normalfont> only entry is a <br>.​

[/TD]
[TD].[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR="bgcolor: white"]
[TD]
.
.
.
.

It looks like element.style is the final word, problem is its controlled by vB. user agent stylesheet is close to final, but vB always inserts .restore th, .restore td after that. [/TD]
[TD][TABLE="class: outer_border"]
[TR="bgcolor: blanchedalmond"]
[TD],
.
.
.
.
.
extra
words
go
here.[/TD]
[TD].restore table: bottom margin to 1em; font-size: inherit; border-collapsed, spacing 0;
tbody {valign: middle; border-color: inherit;}
tr is the only one not restored, but that's cause td ruins it.
.restore th: {font-weight: bold; text-align: center, border: 1px solid black; padding: 0.5em; font-style: inherit; margin:0; valign: inherit}
.restore td: {border: 1px solid black; padding: 0.5em; margin: 0; valign: inherit;}[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]
[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR="bgcolor: blue"]
[TD="colspan: 2"]
But anything you can convince vB to render as "style" should work.

SO: WTF are the accepted values/syntax for "style" in vB code? Eg., ="bgcolor: value" is rendered as style="background-color: value"; what are the allowed conversions? Straight CSS style syntax doesn't work.[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

It has been a bit since i logged in here this place, older now not sure if that is for the better but loads of things over the year.

Left Montana lived with parents for a bit in Prescott Valley Arizona to fix my debt and also basically anything to get out of Montana where things just were not going right or so it seemed. Payed off some debt, but the whole time there it just sucked, the Job was not what i wanted and i was only given part time thus extended the whole process of me paying off the shit and getting the fuck out of there was delayed. Met some cool people that supplied the goods randomly.

Even with the environment i was still able to consume my specialties without search or questions. Also with the mother cancer situation turned out it wasn't as bad as people thought and she is able to cope or handle the situation soo basically they sold their house and moved back to the northwest and i we sailing on my way back to northern east coast. Here is where i am starting from scratch "AGAIN" but this time I am going to make whatever work or happen.

So far seems to be a jazzy place
Just waiting and waiting for background checks to clear so i can get cash flowing again. . .then focus on getting a place .

sauce~

experiments! Reverse engineer the editor.

NO ONE READ THIS. Even the cell entries are unfunny.

[TABLE="width: 360, align: center"]
[TR]
[TD="bgcolor: #EAECF0"][/TD]
[TD="bgcolor: #ff9900"][/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

[TABLE="class: wikitable"]
[TR]
[TH="bgcolor: #EAECF0, align: center"]take[/TH]
[TD]100%[/TD]
[TD]ND[/TD]
[TD]11111111111%[/TD]
[TD]ND[/TD]
[TD]*7*[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TH="bgcolor: #EAECF0, align: center"]shorter row[/TH]
[TD]27%[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

• it's a bullet
  [a]don't use different bullets

Categories:

• urls went gere and are blue.

[TABLE="class: cms_table"]
[TR]
[TD="align: center"]table="class:head"[/TD]
[TD="align: center"]table="class:thick_grid"[/TD]
[TD="align: center"]table="class:thick_outer_border"[/TD]
[TD="align: center"]table="class:thick_outer_border_grid"[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]


[TABLE="class: cms_table"]
[TR]
[TD="align: center"][TABLE="class: cms_table_thick_grid"]
[TR]
[TH="align: center"]Header 1[/TH]
[TH="align: center"]Header 2[/TH]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Cell 1[/TD]
[TD]Cell 2[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Cell 3[/TD]
[TD]Cell 4[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Cell 5[/TD]
[TD]Cell 6[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Cell 7[/TD]
[TD]Cell 8[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]
[/TD]
[TD="align: center"][TABLE="class: cms_table_thick_outer_border"]
[TR]
[TH="align: center"]Header 1[/TH]
[TH="align: center"]Header 2[/TH]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Cell 1[/TD]
[TD]Cell 2[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Cell 3[/TD]
[TD]Cell 4[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Cell 5[/TD]
[TD]Cell 6[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Cell 7[/TD]
[TD]Cell 8[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]
[/TD]
[TD="align: center"][TABLE="class: cms_table_thick_outer_border_grid"]
[TR]
[TH="align: center"]Header 1[/TH]
[TH="align: center"]Header 2[/TH]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Cell 1[/TD]
[TD]Cell 2[/TD]
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  [&]others
  [^]what aobut
  [&#9788;]think of the children

[TABLE="class: tabler, width: 908"]
[TR="bgcolor: #4CAF50"]
[TH="align: left"]Category[/TH]
[TH="align: left"]Stuff about[/TH]
[TH="align: left"]Dose to get High[/TH]
[/TR]
[TR="bgcolor: #F2F2F2"]
[TD]Scrofula[/TD]
[TD]buprenorphine[/TD]
[TD]$100[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Ezekiel[/TD]
[TD]benzopiperidine[/TD]
[TD]$150[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR="bgcolor: #F2F2F2"]
[TD]acetylsalicylic acid[/TD]
[TD]acetamidophenol[/TD]
[TD]$300[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

Two weeks ago, when last we checked on our fearless heroine (YIKES! TRIGGER WORD!) our vagina bearing hero, she was a bloody, toothless wreck, facing the imminent loss of her children.

In what condition will we find her now? Have the kids been taken and has she started eating hair for entertainment value? Has Halsten pushed her last nerve and she Fried Green Tomatoed HIM instead? Or did she win the Lotto and died naked under a Magic Mike knock off crew with a pound of coke glued to her snotholes? Let's go sneak in and see what we find?

Oh, how boring. She's typing. (See what I did there? How very meta.) We can at least peek over her shoulder? Oh, kick rocks, Judgy McStickInButt. You're bored and this is interesting.

My mom has moved to the area but I have to treat her like a highly venomous snake with only one fang. I never know what to expect from her. She bitched forever about how she hated FL and had no one there so she moved here where EVERYONE is except my eldest; then, the other day, in a toddler fit of snark, she says she's gonna flounce across the country to go live near her (even though that kid wants to move back here). Ma knows no one there but actually said to me, "I have literally no one and nothing holding me here."

Uuuhhhmmmm? FUHUUUUHHUK YEW!!! How about both your daughters (including one who is struggling with several disabilities) and fuckin' um...THREE grandchildren??? But apart from that? ALL YOUR FRIENDS FOR 35 YEARS?? And apart from that? HOW MUCH YOU LOVE IT HERE???? Oh and OK then...shutthehellupandno...but then, yeah, apart from that? Nothing.

Housing, my health and Halsten can wait for another day.

The kids...my kids are not doing well in school. My gal is cutting class while wandering the hall and my son just cuts class while in class by staring at the walls or pranking the whole class long.

They don't even know yet I've been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.

Preheat oven to 350^o F

- 1 large egg
- 1 tin tuna, drained
- 1 tsp lemon juice
- 1/2 medium onion, minced
- 2 cloves garlic, minced
- 2 tbsp coconut flour
- 1 pinch salt
- 1 tsp ground ginger
- 1/2 tsp paprika
- parsley, to taste
- cayenne, to taste

Bake 15 minutes

serves 2 (2 big cakes or 4 smaller ones)

per serving:
1-2g net carb
10g protein
7g fat