Blogs

So today, is a fucked up day..

At the place I work at we have this thing called 'community' where all of the 'peer mentors' sit in a circle, and we go around in the circle, and each person has things we call 'issues' that they claim, for example: hey i am drew, and I have 4 issues, 1 late for a meeting, 2 file issues, and 1 room issue, and the next person does something like so 'jenna, 2 issues, late for work, and file issue. and when you have 5 issues, then you get 'hit on the boards' we call it, where 3 people inside the circle 'take numbers' which is like this:
1_Do nothing
2_Suspended w/contract

now the 3 people take numbers,
3_I want you to be early to all functions, Property restrictions, call sponsor, 9+3 meeting count, anger journel, fear journel, god box, share at meetings,etc.etc.
4_etc..
5_etc...

So everyone in the circle has to stand up and vote for one of the suggestions.

I say today is a fucked up day because today it was ME that was hit on the board, and for total bullshit.
Someone in the circle 'held a concern' on me, which dude was like:
dude:drew, i was told in the grapevine that your brother passed away, and i am concerned that you dont pull up on your brothers here and talk with them.

me:yeah my brother did pass away, and i do speak with my brothers here, i just choose not to speak with you.-end

So 3 people in the 'communtiy' picked numbers, and the number I got was something like this:
15mins in detox 3x a week, 3x extracurclucar activites a week with peer mentor,chair homegroup meeting, tell story @ meeting, river walk(walk along the river),honesty feeling letter to mom, and goodbye letter to brother, and 1,500 words on a topic they picked. 2week contract.

Its not the contract I don't mind, Its the fact that the dude did not pull up on me before 'community' to speak with me. Hell I don't even fuck with this guy, and for the simple fact that I dont go around and talk about my brother passing away gave him a right to 'concern' me in community.

Yeah i am pretty upset about it, and really upset that the individual that concerned me doesn't even talk to me. The guy is a moms boy, and has never touched 'hard drugs' besides weed.
To be 100% with yal, I think he is just upset because I got a supervisor position at work, and he did not. the dude even told me that he was mad that I was became supervisor. which in reality I really didn't want the job, because my time was coming up 'in the office' that I was working on getting a job outside of the treatment center.

So, just trying to deal with this shit, and on top of my brother passing away, i feel a resentment brewing. I really need to take a look at it becuase I don't want to get high over this shit.

My Creator, I am far too much influenced by what people think of me.
Which means that I am always pretending to be either richer or smarter or nicer than I really am.
Please prevent me from trying to attract attention.
Don't let me gloat over praise on the one hanf or be discouraged by criticism on the other.
Nor let me waste time weaving inaginary situations in which the heroic, charming, witty person is myself.
Show me how to be humble of heart like you.

First time writing a blog, well good luck to me, haha!

------

Black Forest, Germany, about 2 year and a half ago, I have woke up and my house was burning. Quickly got into the attic, luckily and looked for my equipment ( weapons, binocular, flashlight, differents kinds of supplies, clothes, gloves, tent, backpack, etc) my eyes were running, I couldn't be able to walk through the front/back door and so proceed to jump right through the window. Tried to announce the marshal, but then in my head I have thought.. why? even if they extinguish is the same situation. Didn't have too much food at me, only some sandwiches and few slice of meat, eated and waited for the night to falloff. Wanted to hunt something and thought about a deer or a bear, couldn't see anything and so I have climbed into the tree, about 2 mile away saw one bear, hoping not to vanish , runned fast, grabbed my CZ - 750 and shot him right into the head. Sliced his meat off, set-up a little campfire, cooked something of it but not entierly because it started raining. Since I know the woods, basically my soul was born with it along, knew that 5 miles away there was a little cave, walked and saw a pack of wolfs, I remember that even though I saw prints and traces, there wasn't another road to it, heard them howling and they were with the alpha and the elder of the tribe, a big black whitsh splashed mane, didn't want to shot them but one of them saw me, even then I didn't want to kill him because I have the wolf spirit inside. He surrounded me and thought not to make a move and do what my souls says, don't know why but he didn't kill me, meanwhile the rest of the pack arrived and the alpha came and smell me and my stuffs, after that the older one came, since i'm a hunter I know what animal language signs and means are, he wanted to put me on knees and bend my head, he howled into my ear, grabbed my talisman, he was licking it and knew that he wanted me to put a leash on him. It felt like a ritual and that night I have spent around them... they didn't treat me like a stranger but only showing me curses and blessings, spent about 2 weeks along them and then decided to became a nomad, it was the right decision to me since I love freedom and traveling and this lifestyle was and still is perfect to me. You hear stories from different peoples around the country, seeing fun gifted experiencies that even if you got there before, they will be different. Meeting strange beautiful shape and faces, can't be explained, you have to live it. It's just something that you will not get bored.

New today: css includes "table[attributes style] { . . . }"
Is that vB code syntax? What's the difference between an attribute and a style? Let's find out!

width:90%, class: outer_border
[TABLE="class: outer_border, width: 90%"]
[TR]
[TD]wrods[/TD]
[TD]words[/TD]
[TD]sequipedalian[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]wrods[/TD]
[TD]words[/TD]
[TD]sequipedalian[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

outer, 60%
[TABLE="class: outer_border"]
[TR]
[TD]wrods[/TD]
[TD]words[/TD]
[TD]sequipedalian[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]wrods[/TD]
[TD]words[/TD]
[TD]sequipedalian[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]
There you go, children, putting width last is ignored. ONLY with outer_border and grid. Because you call it, therefore [attributes style], before the two vB classes.
Note table[attributes style] reads align: right as "float: right;"

" class: grid align: center, width: 60%, align:right"
[TABLE="width: 60%, align: right"]
[TR]
[TD]wrods[/TD]
[TD]words[/TD]
[TD]sequipedalian[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]wrods[/TD]
[TD]words[/TD]
[TD]sequipedalian[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]
BUT NO! Now it recognizes width, and the proper-punctuated align
INTERESTING: left out comma cause it's not mentioned in CSS. It should read "class:cms_table_grid_align_center" which would revert to .restore td and put a 1px black collapsed border on everything, but instead reverts to html old-school table (no borders).

"width: 60%, class: grid align: center"
[TABLE="width: 60%"]
[TR]
[TD]wrods[/TD]
[TD]words[/TD]
[TD]sequipedalian[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]wrods[/TD]
[TD]words[/TD]
[TD]sequipedalian[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]
same thing.

"align: right, class: grid align: center, width: 60%"
[TABLE="width: 60%, align: right"]
[TR]
[TD]wrods[/TD]
[TD]words[/TD]
[TD]sequipedalian[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]wrods[/TD]
[TD]words[/TD]
[TD]sequipedalian[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]
recognizes "align: right" AND "width: 60%". So order doesn't seem to matter. And it's not like the syntax is then "attribute style" like "width 60%" or anything.

[TABLE="width: 50%, align: right,"]
[TR="bgcolor: white"]
[TD=""]wrods[/TD]
[TD]words[/TD]
[TD]sequipedalian[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]wrods[/TD]
[TD]words[/TD]
[TD]sequipedalian[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

NB! The bottom row there is colspan syntax: <TD="colspan: 5, align: center">
The vB Code also hasn't erased the row for that: <TR="class: sortbottom">
OK, in html it becomes "class=tr.cms_table_sortbottom.cms_table_outer_border.tr" which obv. is not a real class, but table row was never restored, no ".restore tr"
Just tr[Attributes Style] {vertical-align: top;} which is really annoying, that top align.
and tr {display: table-row} with inherited border-color. Don't get the user agent stylesheet yet.

note td[attributes style] {text-align: -webkit-center;}
td, th {display: table-cell; vertical-align: inherit} So the table header inherits the center valign, but table-row gets top?

The example below specifies the background color and text color of <th> elements:
[TABLE="class: thick outer border, width: 908"]
[TR="bgcolor: #4CAF50"]
[TH="align: left"]First Name[/TH]
[TH="align: left"]Last Name[/TH]
[TH="align: left"]Savings[/TH]
[/TR]
[TR="bgcolor: #F2F2F2"]
[TD]Peter[/TD]
[TD]Griffin[/TD]
[TD]$100[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Lois[/TD]
[TD]Griffin[/TD]
[TD]$150[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR="bgcolor: #F2F2F2"]
[TD]Joe[/TD]
[TD]Swanson[/TD]
[TD]$300[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

Still displays with borders when published, still maintains all other formating.

Trying without the "advanced editor

[TABLE="class: table, width: 944"]
[TR]
[TH]Drug[/TH]
[TH]Dose[/TH]
[TH]Euphoria[/TH]
[/TR]
[TR="bgcolor: #DDDDDD"]
[TD]Fluorodozepam[/TD]
[TD]benzobuddy[/TD]
[TD]hootenanny[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]dihydromorphinone HBr[/TD]
[TD]Super Tingly[/TD]
[TD]online[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR="bgcolor: #DDDDDD"]
[TD]threo-cepio[/TD]
[TD]Roland[/TD]
[TD]that was meh[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Strontium 90[/TD]
[TD]It's in your bones[/TD]
[TD]UK[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR="bgcolor: #DDDDDD"]
[TD]sodium dodecylsulfate[/TD]
[TD]crashes out at like 18C[/TD]
[TD]Canada[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Marinara sauce[/TD]
[TD]Penne v. Ziti[/TD]
[TD]Italy[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

This one displays grid for title row only.

Try it Yourself ?
Defining an HTML Table

Trying without the "advanced editor"

Last experiment on this post:


[TABLE="class: outer_border, width: 944"]
[TR]
[TH="bgcolor: #8b008b"]title header[/TH]
[TH="bgcolor: #8b008b"]category two[/TH]
[TH="bgcolor: #8b008b"]auto-grid around header[/TH]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TH="align: center"]Drug[/TH]
[TH="align: center"]Dose[/TH]
[TH="align: center"]Euphoria[/TH]
[/TR]
[TR="bgcolor: #DDDDDD"]
[TD]Fluorodozepam[/TD]
[TD]benzobuddy[/TD]
[TD]hootenanny[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TH]dihydromorphinone HBr[/TH]
[TH]Super Tingly[/TH]
[TH]online[/TH]
[/TR]
[TR="bgcolor: #DDDDDD"]
[TD]threo-cepio[/TD]
[TD]Roland[/TD]
[TD]that was meh[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Strontium 90[/TD]
[TD]It's in your bones[/TD]
[TD]UK[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR="bgcolor: #DDDDDD"]
[TD]sodium dodecylsulfate[/TD]
[TD]crashes out at like 18C[/TD]
[TD]Canada[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TH]Marinara sauce[/TH]
[TH]Penne v. Ziti[/TH]
[TH]Italy[/TH]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

[TABLE="width: 90%, align: right"]
[TR="bgcolor: blue"]
[TD]

Here's something interesting: "Yquote" is rendered as a table, width="90%" cellspacing="5" cellpadding="5"
a single cell, td style="border: 1px dashed; border-color:#0d1e3e; background:#f8f8ff;" then <normalfont> only entry is a <br>.​

[/TD]
[TD].[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR="bgcolor: white"]
[TD]
.
.
.
.

It looks like element.style is the final word, problem is its controlled by vB. user agent stylesheet is close to final, but vB always inserts .restore th, .restore td after that. [/TD]
[TD][TABLE="class: outer_border"]
[TR="bgcolor: blanchedalmond"]
[TD],
.
.
.
.
.
extra
words
go
here.[/TD]
[TD].restore table: bottom margin to 1em; font-size: inherit; border-collapsed, spacing 0;
tbody {valign: middle; border-color: inherit;}
tr is the only one not restored, but that's cause td ruins it.
.restore th: {font-weight: bold; text-align: center, border: 1px solid black; padding: 0.5em; font-style: inherit; margin:0; valign: inherit}
.restore td: {border: 1px solid black; padding: 0.5em; margin: 0; valign: inherit;}[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]
[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR="bgcolor: blue"]
[TD="colspan: 2"]
But anything you can convince vB to render as "style" should work.

SO: WTF are the accepted values/syntax for "style" in vB code? Eg., ="bgcolor: value" is rendered as style="background-color: value"; what are the allowed conversions? Straight CSS style syntax doesn't work.[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

It has been a bit since i logged in here this place, older now not sure if that is for the better but loads of things over the year.

Left Montana lived with parents for a bit in Prescott Valley Arizona to fix my debt and also basically anything to get out of Montana where things just were not going right or so it seemed. Payed off some debt, but the whole time there it just sucked, the Job was not what i wanted and i was only given part time thus extended the whole process of me paying off the shit and getting the fuck out of there was delayed. Met some cool people that supplied the goods randomly.

Even with the environment i was still able to consume my specialties without search or questions. Also with the mother cancer situation turned out it wasn't as bad as people thought and she is able to cope or handle the situation soo basically they sold their house and moved back to the northwest and i we sailing on my way back to northern east coast. Here is where i am starting from scratch "AGAIN" but this time I am going to make whatever work or happen.

So far seems to be a jazzy place
Just waiting and waiting for background checks to clear so i can get cash flowing again. . .then focus on getting a place .

sauce~

experiments! Reverse engineer the editor.

NO ONE READ THIS. Even the cell entries are unfunny.

[TABLE="width: 360, align: center"]
[TR]
[TD="bgcolor: #EAECF0"][/TD]
[TD="bgcolor: #ff9900"][/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

[TABLE="class: wikitable"]
[TR]
[TH="bgcolor: #EAECF0, align: center"]take[/TH]
[TD]100%[/TD]
[TD]ND[/TD]
[TD]11111111111%[/TD]
[TD]ND[/TD]
[TD]*7*[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TH="bgcolor: #EAECF0, align: center"]shorter row[/TH]
[TD]27%[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

• it's a bullet
  [a]don't use different bullets

Categories:

• urls went gere and are blue.

[TABLE="class: cms_table"]
[TR]
[TD="align: center"]table="class:head"[/TD]
[TD="align: center"]table="class:thick_grid"[/TD]
[TD="align: center"]table="class:thick_outer_border"[/TD]
[TD="align: center"]table="class:thick_outer_border_grid"[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]


[TABLE="class: cms_table"]
[TR]
[TD="align: center"][TABLE="class: cms_table_thick_grid"]
[TR]
[TH="align: center"]Header 1[/TH]
[TH="align: center"]Header 2[/TH]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Cell 1[/TD]
[TD]Cell 2[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Cell 3[/TD]
[TD]Cell 4[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Cell 5[/TD]
[TD]Cell 6[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Cell 7[/TD]
[TD]Cell 8[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]
[/TD]
[TD="align: center"][TABLE="class: cms_table_thick_outer_border"]
[TR]
[TH="align: center"]Header 1[/TH]
[TH="align: center"]Header 2[/TH]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Cell 1[/TD]
[TD]Cell 2[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Cell 3[/TD]
[TD]Cell 4[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Cell 5[/TD]
[TD]Cell 6[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Cell 7[/TD]
[TD]Cell 8[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]
[/TD]
[TD="align: center"][TABLE="class: cms_table_thick_outer_border_grid"]
[TR]
[TH="align: center"]Header 1[/TH]
[TH="align: center"]Header 2[/TH]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Cell 1[/TD]
[TD]Cell 2[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Cell 3[/TD]
[TD]Cell 4[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Cell 5[/TD]
[TD]Cell 6[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Cell 7[/TD]
[TD]Cell 8[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]
[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]




[TABLE="class: cms_table_head"]
[TR]
[TH="align: center"]Header 1[/TH]
[TH="align: center"]Header 2[/TH]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Cell 1[/TD]
[TD]Cell 2[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Cell 3[/TD]
[TD]Cell 4[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Cell 5[/TD]
[TD]Cell 6[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Cell 7[/TD]
[TD]Cell 8[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

words


[TABLE="class: outer_border"]
[TR]
[TD]

table="class:grid, width:150, align:left"​

[TABLE="class: cms_table_grid, width: 150, align: left"]
[TR]
[TD]Cell 1[/TD]
[TD]Cell 2[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Cell 3[/TD]
[TD]Cell 4[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]
[/TD]
[TD="width: 300"]

table="class: outer_border, width:250, align:center"​

[TABLE="class: outer_border, width: 250, align: center"]
[TR]
[TD]Cell 1[/TD]
[TD]Cell 2[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Cell 3[/TD]
[TD]Cell 4[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]
[/TD]
[TD="width: 300"]

table="width:200, align:right"​

[TABLE=width: 200, align: right"]
[TR]
[TD]Cell 1[/TD]
[TD]Cell 2[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Cell 3[/TD]
[TD]Cell 4[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]
[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]



"width" and "align" for "td"

more words

Contents

[hide]​

• words
  [&]others
  [^]what aobut
  [&#9788;]think of the children

[TABLE="class: tabler, width: 908"]
[TR="bgcolor: #4CAF50"]
[TH="align: left"]Category[/TH]
[TH="align: left"]Stuff about[/TH]
[TH="align: left"]Dose to get High[/TH]
[/TR]
[TR="bgcolor: #F2F2F2"]
[TD]Scrofula[/TD]
[TD]buprenorphine[/TD]
[TD]$100[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Ezekiel[/TD]
[TD]benzopiperidine[/TD]
[TD]$150[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR="bgcolor: #F2F2F2"]
[TD]acetylsalicylic acid[/TD]
[TD]acetamidophenol[/TD]
[TD]$300[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]

Two weeks ago, when last we checked on our fearless heroine (YIKES! TRIGGER WORD!) our vagina bearing hero, she was a bloody, toothless wreck, facing the imminent loss of her children.

In what condition will we find her now? Have the kids been taken and has she started eating hair for entertainment value? Has Halsten pushed her last nerve and she Fried Green Tomatoed HIM instead? Or did she win the Lotto and died naked under a Magic Mike knock off crew with a pound of coke glued to her snotholes? Let's go sneak in and see what we find?

Oh, how boring. She's typing. (See what I did there? How very meta.) We can at least peek over her shoulder? Oh, kick rocks, Judgy McStickInButt. You're bored and this is interesting.

My mom has moved to the area but I have to treat her like a highly venomous snake with only one fang. I never know what to expect from her. She bitched forever about how she hated FL and had no one there so she moved here where EVERYONE is except my eldest; then, the other day, in a toddler fit of snark, she says she's gonna flounce across the country to go live near her (even though that kid wants to move back here). Ma knows no one there but actually said to me, "I have literally no one and nothing holding me here."

Uuuhhhmmmm? FUHUUUUHHUK YEW!!! How about both your daughters (including one who is struggling with several disabilities) and fuckin' um...THREE grandchildren??? But apart from that? ALL YOUR FRIENDS FOR 35 YEARS?? And apart from that? HOW MUCH YOU LOVE IT HERE???? Oh and OK then...shutthehellupandno...but then, yeah, apart from that? Nothing.

Housing, my health and Halsten can wait for another day.

The kids...my kids are not doing well in school. My gal is cutting class while wandering the hall and my son just cuts class while in class by staring at the walls or pranking the whole class long.

They don't even know yet I've been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.

Preheat oven to 350^o F

- 1 large egg
- 1 tin tuna, drained
- 1 tsp lemon juice
- 1/2 medium onion, minced
- 2 cloves garlic, minced
- 2 tbsp coconut flour
- 1 pinch salt
- 1 tsp ground ginger
- 1/2 tsp paprika
- parsley, to taste
- cayenne, to taste

Bake 15 minutes

serves 2 (2 big cakes or 4 smaller ones)

per serving:
1-2g net carb
10g protein
7g fat

I THOUGHT 2017 WAS FUCKING DEAD.

How many goddamn heads do I have to cut off of that ferkin' bitch????

Halsten is...being difficult.

He has gotten my family thinking I'm batshit off the rails and everything will be better if I just GET MY MEDS EVALUATED.

Monday, I got four teeth filled, with four more needing attention and a root canal/crown which I need desperately or I risk losing ALL my teeth that I get to pay for OUT OF POCKET with all of my no money.

Also, even though I have a fucking IUD and we have sex less than monthly...I just had a miscarriage last night so that was a delight.

And yesterday, The Department of Children and Families called. Friday, they're just gonna pop on over real quick because someone let them know apparently Halsten "grabbed" Lucian. Apparently, grabbing is now child abuse worthy of interference by the fucking government.

And I *just* got in to see my new specialist who *finally* approved my new *teeny* narcotic dose but then called to say there was something she needed to discuss regarding my urine test...funny, I think I now know what it was...asshole. That's the sort of thing you should just fucking tell a patient and not wait two and a half weeks until her uterus falls out and drags behind her like a dirty toddler's blanket to share at her next, not-so-fuckin' urgent appointment.

What a great start.

Subs have been pretty good for the past couple weeks, leveled me out. I dropped from 1mg to .5 today. Having horrible racing heart and can?t sleep a wink. Working on a heavy project this week, and I want to use so badly, not sure how I can get through the next day. Work is in 4 hours (leave in 3) and only an hour of sleep.
My dream was very vivid, I was super excited to be talking to someone on the phone, and explaining things - so excited that it knocked me out of sleep and my heart was thudding.
Hope everyone else has a nice sleep.

fdafdewqfeqfew

Argle-bargle words.

I originally created a profile here so that I could maintain a recovery blog. It was good that I couldn?t start one right away because it forced me to interact on the forum which was better even if I didn?t realize it would be.

Now I can keep a blog here. Not certain I?ll use it yet but figured I?d see what it was like posting.

I spent like three hours looking this shit up, but the answer doesn't really go anywhere. Why not put my brilliant research on a subject, that turns out everyone else heard about on Reddit two years ago, here. It is not very interesting or funny.

TommyTerds said:

My girlfriend swears by turmeric and or green tea freshly brewed as potentiators

Click to expand...

In 2014 researchers showed curcumin might prevent tolerance and dependence to opioids. In mice, with morphine.

Turmeric is a root like ginger, and it's used as a spice in Indian food and a yellow dye (the stuff in yellow mustard). Turmeric has an "active" ingredient called curcumin (not the seeds called cumin that are way more common as spice). Curcumin was thought, based on real lab results, to be so healthy it cures diseases humans have yet to encounter, like through the future, it's so healthy. Basically every disease scientists threw at it, curcumin could cure. That's why I used to muck around with it.

> the bioavailability of curcumin is so bad, it's nearly below zero. Basically what little curcumin gets absorbed is rapidly destroyed or peed out, none gets to whatever tissue you're trying to get it to. There is a supposed trick using piperine and oils, but it brings us to

> you're stuffing turmeric in your gel caps, not curcumin. Turmeric from the health food store is like 2% curcuminoids by weight if you're lucky. Likewise piperine from black pepper. If you did find purified curcuminoids instead, it's frequently adulterated with toxic bright yellow pigments, because it's not very stable.

> the breakthrough oral doses the researches used for unmodified curcumin were 100mg/kg. So I would need over 6g of pure curcumin for threshold. From health-store turmeric, hoping for 1% curcumin, that's 600g, over a pound of powdered dried root.

> researchers had to tweak it hard to get it abosrbable by mice, by using: "state-of-the-art polymeric formulation technology to produce poly(lactic-co-glycolic acid) (PLGA)-curcumin nanoparticles (nanocurcumin)", something not yet at your Food CoOp (and I wouldn't trust it anyway, on an actual nanoparticle-scale). That lowers the threshold to 6mg/kg and restores baseline with 20mg/kg (a reasonable 480 - 1600mg for a 80kg adult human).

> researchers look at analgesia: they stick the mice tails in very hot water and time how quick they flick the tail back; and withdrawal: give the mice naloxone and see how much they kick. They got the mice tolerant to morphine by a) giving them a single whopping 100mg/kg dose. Five hours later, a 10mg/kg dose and do the tail dip OR precipitate withdrawal with naloxone; and b) the chronic junkie mice got just 10mg/kg morphine 2x a day for 5 days, then the same tests.

> if they doped the mice first with nano-curcumin, the pain-killing action of morphine remained at baseline, and they barely showed naloxone withdrawal kicking. Note that is the "reversal of dependence and tolerance" that the press went with, they don't mean it can necessarily reverse YOUR tolerance or dependence.

> This means, if you took a massive OD for your very first opioid experience, and re-dosed later that day, if you ate some super-curcumin first, you would find it restored the pain-relief. If you used large doses for five days, then ate the nano-curcumin, it would restore the pain-killing action and cut the naloxone kicking on your day 6 dose by half. Does that compare to a human who's used daily for years? No idea.

> Follow-ups show it CAN reduce hyper-algesia in mice, so maybe that really does apply to chronic users. Then again, they're backing off their NMDA-mediated model. For now they blame a protein kinase expressed in certain brain regions, with even less idea how it works.

Does pre-dosing with nano-curcumin change the subjective high? Can you get a nod with it? I'm thinking that's got to be attenuated too, if not straight dysphoric. The mice didnt kick, but we don't know if they weren't squeak-screaming silently inside the whole time. I know that morality doesn't exist outside human society, and don't see a moral sin seeking pleasure for its own sake; but this would be a free lunch, it seems like. Call it cynical cosmology, not puritanism. You can prevent a relapse of alcoholism from getting really bad with a Vivitrol shot. BUT IT DOESN'T CURE IT. You no longer get pleasure/relief from alcohol, but you ain't fucking happy, y'know?

Problem is, curcumin is notorious for screwing with lab results. Nothing has ever panned out for it in a clinical setting, and a lot of money has been poured on it. The original was done through the University of Illinois, but published in a niche journal. It hasn't been replicated, and emphasis is definitely on the promise of their fantastic new super-curcumin, not on a pure-research mechanism.

OK, so there's no real harm in eating turmeric before you dose. It'll just convert your money into yellow poop. I don't like the supplement industry, because they call their lawn clippings organic health food and make billions off of it. Nearly all of it is unregulated, overblown, bullshit snake-oil at huge markups. If you buy turmeric, at least buy the spice intended for food, not Vitamin Shoppe Online Life Extension stuff. The supplement industry poisons everyone with pseudo-science and convinces them eating a capsule they think is full of ginseng will counteract the high-sugar diet they eat. They're the ones who foist things like anti-gluten hysteria on us and reduce the nation's biology IQ down even further.

So in the name of HR, save your money, because there is no way to get that curcumin into your body, unless you know the people who wrote this paper, because they made it in-house (which is also a red-flag). To repeat, no amount of black pepper or green tea will get that stuff in your blood even if this paper isn't fraudulent (its fraudulent, trust me), unless you have:

a multi-inlet vortex mixer . . . One stream was 0.2% weight percent PLGA and 0.2% weight percent curcumin dissolved in tetrahydrofuran. The other three inlet streams were deionized water as an antisolvent to precipitate the drug compound and PLGA. The volumetric flow rate of streams 1 and 2 was 6 ml/min, and it was 54 ml/min for streams 3 and 4. Freeze drying of the nanoparticle suspensions was carried out in a freeze dryer at a vacuum pressure and 247?C. Trehalose and leucine were used to prevent nanoparticle permanent aggregation during the freezedrying process. PLGA-curcumin nanoparticles were homogeneously resuspended using bath sonication for 10 minutes before use.​

The Linus Pauling Institute (ironic since I think he was the guy who dumped all the "Vitamin C megadoses will cure it" ridiculousness on us) has a summary of the extensive research on curcumin, not a single useful bit of which has been developed. Other than methods to spot "Pan-Assay Interfering Compounds".

To answer your question, TommyTerds, turmeric does not at all, even in theory, potentiate any opioid.

So the guy who introduced me to my DOC, well, have gave me some more last Tuesday, which was my 7th day and I knew he would, I didn?t have to go meet up with him (though he did owe me money). So it?s a week later into this relapse. Have talked to a couple places about rehab but none so far arr willing to let me stay on benzos (21 Years and I?m not ready!) - so I?m just feeling super anxious and a little desperate. I?m going to try subs at home. Have a friend watch me the first day. Wait 30hrs before I take and start at 1mg. My therapist doesn?t love the idea but I want to just be off the oxy for more than a week. I got enough to last one month I think but if I feel I can do it in two weeks I?m going to try.

Feelin' The 99% Or
Being A "Have Not" In The Shitstorm Of "Gimme"

Take your pick.

I don't remember when I fell out of love with December. Was it when Santa stopped bringing the presents?

Did I always have a passive resentment because my birthday on the 29th was always ignored while my classmates had the whole day to be celebrated?

Perhaps because of countless parties and other events - just for me - were canceled because of extreme cold, snow or dangerous conditions, leaving me with inevitably soon forgotten promises to absolutely do it exactly the same way in the Spring?

Was it when I got knocked up (and she was born in January)?

The shocking realization suddenly I was Santa...and Christmas wasn't just magically going to be a brightly lit face under the tree Christmas morning...no. I had to get the gifts, wrap them, teach her about some fat twerp catapulting around the planet faster than the speed of light (skipping a whole lot of places...um, just because?) while, um, air horses with horns...huh? No, there are no wings, maybe they just fart hard...that could be the reason for the beard?

I had to literally maul fat, stinky truck stop ogres just to grab a handful of Barbie hair and a G.I. Joe boot in order to cobble a G.I. Barb....and then stab the SHIT out of them so I could get some reasonable damn gifts....MOVE! NONE OF YOU CAN READ, ANYWAY AND I WANT BOOKS, NO THEY ARE NOT CHEW TOYS FOR YOUR PUMA COYOTE HYBRID FEED YOUR PUYOTE SOMETHING VEGAN! NO, NOT *A* VEGAN, HAP LAWD JEZUS???

...oh, hell...a tree! Did you sugges...a plastic... BITE YOUR TONGUE, YOU SAVAGE BUMPKI....Oh, the closest place to get a real one is Pennsylvania? Um....so where's the Pine*Sol?

Wrapping. I'd rather attempt to make my living as a rapper than wrap gifts. One year, I was tempted to just wrap her head. I can barely wrap my head around a concept.

*TRIGGER WARNING*
December got a bit better when I met my girlfriend Jessie. She used to throw these awesome NYE key parties. After 10 PM, anyone entering tossed their keys in a bowl because you were not leaving, nope. Too many drunk drivers. Everyone came: aunts, uncles, parents, children, grandparents, boyfriends, neighbors. And slept over and in the morning, what a breakfast buffet!!!

She was killed on January 1st afternoon by a drunk driver. Herself. She used to collect glass angels and had several with her in the car. Not one of those damn things broke.

Fuck those creepy things.
*END TRIGGER*

And lights....and decorations....can we just move to the Middle East? I don't WANT to do all that! Meanwhile, my mom wraps up the cabinet doors in the kitchen so they look like presents. I want to eat glass and wash it down with bleach. I get anxiety spending money. It's frivolous bullshit but we have to do it - we can't tell our kids, *we* don't "do" Christmas because we're Pagan socialists. They're like, ya, ya 364 days of the year. 1 day, we're capitalist Christians and dear LORD GOD, I PRAY you bought me a bunch of useless garbage!!

My boy, sweet bunny, he said, "I don't care about stuff. I just like being with my family." And he means it. I've hidden his presents Grinch-like and he doesn't care. I think I gave birth to some otherworldly ethereal...well. Something.

I hate December because it makes me anxious looking back at all the things I didn't accomplish (and I know I have to let that dumb shit go) - the YEAR is ending, not my life. Yet, in a way...it is. A part of my life is irretrievably over.

A major part.

Halsten and I are divorcing.

The government says I'm a piece of shit criminal because I use drugs. But they don't know me. They don't see the good deeds I do everyday. The people I give rides too who otherwise wouldn't get to the clinic. The money I kick to that girl in need. The shoulder I offer someone to cry on. No all they see is a dirty junky. But that's ok because I know deep down that I have nothing to be ashamed of.

So I'm drawing the line in the Sand. I will bend over no more. Whatever happens from here on out is what happens

If I die I want these songs played at my funeral
Modest mouse edit the sad parts
New radicals. I don't wanna die anymore
Jump little children cathedrals


So I totaled my car yesterday cause I was wasted on xanax. Worse I only had liability insurance. I feel terrible about it. Luckily adrenaline kicked in sobered up. No DUI but I have no car now.

I'm trying to get up 150 for the ticket to San Francisco.
I just need a fucking life change I'm 29 it's time to leav

Have you ever been tweaking and bored out of whats left of your mind? Well, Ladies and Gents I have found a Solution and guess what, It doesn't involve Spanking your Monkey. So Heres the steps to either Keep yourself entertained or Kickstart a Rough Psychotic Break.

1) unlock your cell phone and go to the Language and Input Settings
2) Once there locate the "Text to Speach" Settings
3) Crank the volume and start Adjusting the Speed and Pitch... Enjoy

"A noted 2002 University of California animal study indicated that non-rapid eye movement sleep (NREM) is necessary for turning off neurotransmitters and allowing their receptors to "rest" and regain sensitivity which allows monoamines (norepinephrine, serotonin and histamine) to be effective at naturally produced levels. This leads to improved regulation of mood and increased learning ability. The study also found that rapid eye movement sleep (REM) deprivation may alleviate clinical depression because it mimics selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs). This is because the natural decrease in monoamines during REM is not allowed to occur, which causes the concentration of neurotransmitters in the brain, that are depleted in clinically depressed persons, to increase. Sleep outside of the REM phase may allow enzymes to repair brain cell damage caused by free radicals. High metabolic activity while awake damages the enzymes themselves preventing efficient repair. This study observed the first evidence of brain damage in rats as a direct result of sleep deprivation.

Animal studies suggest that sleep deprivation increases stress hormones, which may reduce new cell production in adult brains"

thisentry directly relates to the sad reality entry I've made. Life got better and I find myself in the blissfully ghetto and rustic town of yukon. My first apartment. Living in an inheritance blessed sanctuary, I felt free for once.
This lasts two months, as my solitude and ego turned into empathy for the one person who gave me joy. I felt so lost, not talking into account how life with your roof feels. So I made me a friend, routinely making a wish on a cheap geenies bottle, with the unspoken promise of the feeling of love and kinship for the night.
Every moment possible, she came to me, doing exactly what I wanted. My friends call it false confidence, but that same warn hug relief and the feeling of soon being numb enough to function enough to work towards a happy social life, was the temporary key to my demise. -------
When you live in poverty and can't get a job, time and thoughts dominate, as If replacing feelings of desire hope, worth, and leaving you concise to deal with this left open in your mind. This mentioned in my other entry.

It was colonial hills, aka "criminal hills " I settled in in no time.
It quickly became the most popular place to get away, relax, trap, and I felt poplar. But not kinship.
And just as I saw that I am exactly what I've been against I am truly, without trying. A junkie.
And I loved it. But that didn't last forever.

--- out of the dangerous drug infested couch hoping, and into the heaven of your safety, home, and no fear of that dangerous life to kill you inside. My roommate must not have cared, because his boss sure didn't. 2 weeks before rent, I finds this out. So. I put my life to the test as well as my religion. In hopes of death I found the answer, and I went to hell. Because here I am! ---

The first phase of my life I was allowed to exist withou emotional ball games and witnessing deranged things, my brain said #its over, you can be you, and there are no rules.
--- once the Initial glory went, my mind want ready for life. who is god? Is there a reason for my life?
Those questions doninate my mind even in a room full of people talking to me. Assuming everybody has those thoughts I hid it. Witnessing every warm emotion in others, killed me because they are all dead. Excitement was a great one. At least self initiated and not forced fake.
----- she hugs me and calls me her brother, as I can't stop thinking things dehumanizing, such as "does she feel this way or is it a phrase to avoid her own dead feelings. The euphoria takes over and the moment and laughter were all that showed. Knowing the cancer ensues her a short time, maybe she is like me.

Well, I had a couple little setbacks. I think I mentioned that last time. So at 7pm today marked 4 full days from that lil' snafu. The worst parts are over (again), and no, it's not okay to take a tiny bit of oxy in the middle of a detox. Really had to test the limits of that, I would definitely consider myself to be in the "learn everything the hard way" camp even though all signs point to DON'T BE A MORON.

Also knocked off the kratom experiments as I didn't feel anything but a weird caffeine pill (specifically that feeling, not like coffee) buzz from it and no real relief. I didn't ever take much, maybe a gram or 2 at once, so maybe you can argue that, but with all the chemicals floating around in my body I decided it wasn't worth it. Also, my bodega ran out of fucking Gatorade, which I will admit to tearing up at.

So, since starting this taper on Dec 27th, I *still* feel horrible. But it's just a tiny bit better. Yeah it's bounced back and forth and no I didn't do shit today, was sad to have missed the women's march, but it's OK.

Venting to my counselor with a crazed look in my eye last night about how bad I wanted to use actually felt GOOD after. And I am as cynical as they come. Still haven't made it back to any meetings since hitting reset on clean time, but I'm alright with it. I may even be alright with no maintenance meds. Going to take it minute by minute.

On a real silly sidenote, I realized I had not properly had a good cry in a while, and I mean like an all out wail-fest, and spent today properly mourning Robin Williams death by watching Good Will Hunting. If you need to cry, and need some help, just watch it again. It had been years since I've watched it and the floodgates opened.

Planning my next crying binge for Bowie, because I didn't cry as much as I should have over the past few years.

I've been journaling over in sober living for a bit, and have decided to move my digital dumping here for the time being, as I'm feeling confused and don't want to fuck with peoples recovery.

I don't feel like typing out my historical list of drugs and failure, suffice to say I'm trying to kick a nasty oxy habit that I can?t quit like that one ex boyfriend I had for five years too many.

I have been mostly clean since January 4th. I got to around Day 6, ran into a stash and all my resolve melted away. I was able to flush half, then give away another half, but hung onto a few pills. Took those after, and went and had a fabulous dinner (I've been tapering since late December and have lost 15lbs.), and then woke up hating myself.

In the short term being on this message board and going to meetings is helping me not lose my mind. The millimeters of what I will call progress, are that I actually had any days where I did not use. I have skipped the last few nights in meetings and I'm not really sorry about it. I?m introverted and I have found them to be overwhelming. I will try and go back, but I need to pause a moment. Looking into other options.

Last night was not one of those nights where I was clean. I took the last of what I had and attended a birthday party, for someone who is a brother to me. I couldn't do it otherwise. The will is hardly here on a minute by minute basis. I fantasize about clarity and peace.

Experimenting with kratom. I had always avoided it, as I never know how I'll react to drugs (lsd, mescaline, cocaine, molly, weed, all have had varying results). I don't feel anything from it but I also figure I?m still detoxing since I keep slipping in little bits of oxy.

Tossed and washed a bit ago, a new strain. Powder I had ordered finally arrived. Don't know why people complain about the taste, as it tastes like the earth to me. Better than chewing on a bitter pill.

In an alcohol, Xanax, ambien and light oxy haze last night, (relax, I know my tolerances very well) i desperately googled nitrous oxide depression therapy. Ah, so silly.

On the cusp of considering Suboxone or Methadone. Will be talking to my therapist about it hopefully Friday. For now I tick off some more minutes.