I now have 3 years and 10 months clean time. It has been a long ass time since I have written in my blog. I decided to actually try and write in it the other night, but naturally Mom's laptop appears to have a friggin virus or something. The damn thing is frozen and I just can't get it to work. It's been a long, hard road back from using. I had been homeless living in my car. The dope fiends I had been crashing with on and off had had their house taken away by the state. The state had come and boarded up the house. They had given me permission to park in their driveway by the alley. The ones that were the main occupants of the house had packed up and took off for Las Vegas. I had been invited to go along for the ride, but decided against it because I knew from past experience that Vegas was NOT a place for dope fiends and that if caught with dope, I would be doing some serious time, so I hung back in So Cali. The laws were bad enough here, but I had lived here my entire life. It was what I knew. I had been diagnosed with possible liver cancer and diagnosed with Hep C back in 98. Hell most dope fiends I knew had it. I had 9 months before the money for my state disability ran out. I had filed for my long term permanent disability, but I knew that that could take up to 5 years before I got that, so in the mean time my worst fear was having no money and no drugs and a harsh reality of being a derelict on the street with no drugs, no money, and no food. I figured I'd have to make sure to die before the money ran out. Honestly, I didn't know what the hell I was going to do. I had warrants out for my arrest for failure to appear in court and for various drug charges. The reality was sooner or later I was going to be picked up and taken to jail. It came a lot sooner than I had planned.
Three days later I had hooked up with one of my dealers and bought a dime of meth. He gave me a $20 back for $10. I went back to my car and shot up 2 hits of meth. I think I popped about 20 or 24 painkillers that night as well. I couldn't make up my mind whether I wanted to go up or down. I remember it was a little after 8pm and I was playing games on my tablet. A couple hours later I heard gunshots go off. Next thing I know 2 cop cars showed up. I had towels covering all windows of my car except the driver's side window so the cops saw me. Once they saw me I knew it was all over. They ran my plates, searched the car, found the drugs, and took me in. I was charged with violating probation, paraphernalia, possession, and on top of that bringing drugs into a jail because I had forgotten I had put the left over meth into my bra. I went to County Jail for 90 days. I thought my life was over. I couldn't understand why the world wouldn't just leave me the fuck alone.
Jail was a rough deal at times. I was kicking both meth and painkillers. I didn't sleep for 5 days straight. I couldn't sit still. All and all jail turned out to be a positive experience though. It was a place that allowed me to get clean. After I got out I stayed clean and went to NA. The Judge ordered 3 months of in patient rehab, but it took 6 weeks before I found a bed. So I went to Casa Elena, a County facility because I've been living on general relief these past 4 years and its been rough. It's a good thing I was very strong in my recovery because no matter where you go there will always be others that use, whether it's jail, rehab, or the outside, so you have to make up your mind that being clean is what you want so that's what I did. It's not that I don't ever miss drugs because obviously there are some very practical purposes that drugs serve. I didn't have to feel physical or emotional pain when I didn't want to. I didn't have to have an ounce of fat on me if I didn't want to. When the weather was ungodly hot or cold, it didn't bother me so much. I didn't have to feel tired if I didn't want to.
The thing is I have to accept the inconveniences of being clean for the benefits such as not having to worry about cops hassling me 24/7 for one. Even though I'm broke all the time because my income is only $298/mo on general relief until I get my ruling on my disability case-my court date for that is oct 3, I still have registration tags that are mine, insurance card that is mine, a car that is legal, and I get to participate in a life outside of drugs. When I was using the sad thing is I didn't have time for much else. Everything revolved around getting more drugs or being sick and constantly broke even though I had a job and a lot more money coming in than I do now.
So today unlike most people with almost 4 years clean and that are 52 years old I'm not going to lie and say life is all peaches and roses. It's not. I don't have my own job yet and my own place. I'm stuck living with Mom and although I love her to bits she drives me fucking nuts at times. I hope I get this disability money so I can pay her back and get my own life and my own place. If I do get my long term disability, from what I've researched I'm allowed to earn up to $1000/mo without it hurting my disability and I had hoped to go back to school and work as a drug counselor. Due to my last relapse my nursing license got revoked. Although it is possible to get reinstated, it would cost a king's fucking ransom to do so and at this point I'm still waiting on getting my record expunged. I've done all the footwork required for that for now, the rest is up to the courts, but I'm told this is still going to take a few more weeks.
I have a great sponsor in Narcotics Anonymous. I'm currently working my 2nd round of Steps and am on Step 9 again. I still go to at least 3 meetings a week. I do my prayers and meditations every morning and night. I have my own NA panel that I lead and speak at at a women's rehab. I'm the treasurer of a Tues night meeting and GSR of Mon night meeting and I go to the H&I/GSR service group meeting each month to be of service. I tried to be of service to speak in the women's jail, but was turned down due to my record. They told me to try again at the end of August. So that's it for now. My library time is about to run out. It feels good to start up a journal again. One thing I'm glad about. I'd like to thank BL for keeping all the posts I had from when I was using. It really shows me how nuts I was when I was out there using.
Three days later I had hooked up with one of my dealers and bought a dime of meth. He gave me a $20 back for $10. I went back to my car and shot up 2 hits of meth. I think I popped about 20 or 24 painkillers that night as well. I couldn't make up my mind whether I wanted to go up or down. I remember it was a little after 8pm and I was playing games on my tablet. A couple hours later I heard gunshots go off. Next thing I know 2 cop cars showed up. I had towels covering all windows of my car except the driver's side window so the cops saw me. Once they saw me I knew it was all over. They ran my plates, searched the car, found the drugs, and took me in. I was charged with violating probation, paraphernalia, possession, and on top of that bringing drugs into a jail because I had forgotten I had put the left over meth into my bra. I went to County Jail for 90 days. I thought my life was over. I couldn't understand why the world wouldn't just leave me the fuck alone.
Jail was a rough deal at times. I was kicking both meth and painkillers. I didn't sleep for 5 days straight. I couldn't sit still. All and all jail turned out to be a positive experience though. It was a place that allowed me to get clean. After I got out I stayed clean and went to NA. The Judge ordered 3 months of in patient rehab, but it took 6 weeks before I found a bed. So I went to Casa Elena, a County facility because I've been living on general relief these past 4 years and its been rough. It's a good thing I was very strong in my recovery because no matter where you go there will always be others that use, whether it's jail, rehab, or the outside, so you have to make up your mind that being clean is what you want so that's what I did. It's not that I don't ever miss drugs because obviously there are some very practical purposes that drugs serve. I didn't have to feel physical or emotional pain when I didn't want to. I didn't have to have an ounce of fat on me if I didn't want to. When the weather was ungodly hot or cold, it didn't bother me so much. I didn't have to feel tired if I didn't want to.
The thing is I have to accept the inconveniences of being clean for the benefits such as not having to worry about cops hassling me 24/7 for one. Even though I'm broke all the time because my income is only $298/mo on general relief until I get my ruling on my disability case-my court date for that is oct 3, I still have registration tags that are mine, insurance card that is mine, a car that is legal, and I get to participate in a life outside of drugs. When I was using the sad thing is I didn't have time for much else. Everything revolved around getting more drugs or being sick and constantly broke even though I had a job and a lot more money coming in than I do now.
So today unlike most people with almost 4 years clean and that are 52 years old I'm not going to lie and say life is all peaches and roses. It's not. I don't have my own job yet and my own place. I'm stuck living with Mom and although I love her to bits she drives me fucking nuts at times. I hope I get this disability money so I can pay her back and get my own life and my own place. If I do get my long term disability, from what I've researched I'm allowed to earn up to $1000/mo without it hurting my disability and I had hoped to go back to school and work as a drug counselor. Due to my last relapse my nursing license got revoked. Although it is possible to get reinstated, it would cost a king's fucking ransom to do so and at this point I'm still waiting on getting my record expunged. I've done all the footwork required for that for now, the rest is up to the courts, but I'm told this is still going to take a few more weeks.
I have a great sponsor in Narcotics Anonymous. I'm currently working my 2nd round of Steps and am on Step 9 again. I still go to at least 3 meetings a week. I do my prayers and meditations every morning and night. I have my own NA panel that I lead and speak at at a women's rehab. I'm the treasurer of a Tues night meeting and GSR of Mon night meeting and I go to the H&I/GSR service group meeting each month to be of service. I tried to be of service to speak in the women's jail, but was turned down due to my record. They told me to try again at the end of August. So that's it for now. My library time is about to run out. It feels good to start up a journal again. One thing I'm glad about. I'd like to thank BL for keeping all the posts I had from when I was using. It really shows me how nuts I was when I was out there using.
