It's easy to ignore words. Bloody gaping wounds on the other hand are much less subtle. Ive fallen into the habit of self harm lately. Started with giving myself a scar tattoo and now I'm just slicing myself watch a razor blade. Bad habit. The period before the pain is Nirvana it's like the world freezes it's just me and the blood. Shiny red beautiful life force drained from my arm. I love it. I feel so alive in those moments.
It's easy to get addicted to the feeling. Most agree that self harm is about two things: control (when everything else feels uncontrollable) and a need to address internal pain (through a concrete expression). The ritual itself creates the sensation of impending reward in the brain--thus it becomes like any other addiction. As addictions go, it is probably one of the least harmful but that doesn't mean it is not damaging. In hindsight I could see that one of the aspects of it for me was an internal acceptance of my own craziness. It was as if I wanted to say, "Yeah, I'm crazy. Let's get it out in the open." Now I can honestly say that I wish I had found a way to "get it out i the open" that was less self-defeating and didn't leave scars for me to carry through life.
It's the getting it out in the open part for me too I think well that's part of it anyway. Words are easy to ignore but giant gaping wounds are a little more provocative. I do find myself enjoying the endorphin rush now though too. Like I feel very calm afterwards. I'm sure it's a phase that will pass. Maybe
I don't cut, but I have (well, had) a physical self-violence process I used to go through. It was incredibly cathartic and created the most blissful peace and calm afterwards. I described it as like being in the eye of a hurricane. That was nice, but the brutal violence that preceded it was not. I hope you're able to pass this phase eventually.