I guess I should be prod of myself. I was sober for almost 2 months before today. That's the longest stretch in a very long time. Probably the best in last 5 years. But I not feel happy about it. I mean I don't feel sad about it either it just was. I didn't have many cravings. I just dosed my methadone came home and surfed the web. Everyday. I have 2 numbers in my new phone my mom and dad. That's it not a single friend. My parents made me change my number as a condition of paying my lawyer and bail. Fair play to them I was off the deep end again. Shooting coke addicted to benzos. I actually physically lost my car, yeah couldn't remember what happened to it..... Eventually found out I got pulled over riding on the rim from a flat tire some how didn't get arrested that day but the car got impounded and I couldn't afford to get it out by the time I found it. So embarrassing. One of many embarrassing stories I pieced together from a week long blackout.
Waking up in jail not knowing how I got there wasn't near as scary as I imagined it would be. Or I was just still high from benzos. Prolly that one. Luckily it is just a misdemeanor paraphernalia ticket. Luckily my parents are saints and make sure I get to the clinic to dose everyday. Pay for it. Paid a lawyer. Sat with me in the hospital while my kidneys failed and I detoxes benzos. Nursed me to health. Fucking good people I tell you. I wish I could repay them. They want me to succeed as there payment they say. Fuck the one thing I can't give.
My grandmother died a month after I got out. I couldn't even cry at the funeral. We where close too. Well we used to be anyway. I don't feel close to anyone anymore. I lie to everyone because I am embarrassed. All I do is eat sleep and surf the net. Is that a life? Yeah it's only been 2 months or whatever but truthfully this has been going on for a couple years strait. 10 years off and on. 2 years since I held a job years 3 since college. I'm the definition of a deadbeat junky recluse. And I am ok with it. Yeah I complain sometimes but mostly it's ok.
I miss my friends. I miss concerts. I miss heroin. I really miss having a reason to get out of bed. Heroin for all its bullshit did force a certain amount of action. Methadone requires none of that. It's easy comfortable. I feel nothing and that's just the truth.
I hope my mom reads this one day when I'm gone. I'm sorry I couldn't be more. You deserve better and I'm sorry for so many things. None of this was your fault I know you did your best and I know you love me. That's what makes this so hard. I see the disappointment in your face. You and mark deserve better but I can't give it. I'm broken there's something bad wrong with my head. I think about suicide a lot like if I took the doctors advice I would never leave the phych ward. Your the reason I haven't killed myself because I don't want to hurt you anymore. But at the same time I'm a burden on you guys and I hate that. I hate it so much I cry about it inside.
What should I do mom? Is it better if I kill myself and unburden you financially but burden your heart forever? I have seen that hurt from the outside and it's gutwrenching. I don't want that for you. I thought about prison but that would still put financial burden on you and the family would look down on you in your eyes. The cousins are so successful aren't they? I'm proud of them but it hurts too. I feel left behind. Judged exposed. I wanted you to be proud one day too late so to speak. But it's all on me you gave me every opportunity to succeed. None of this is on you.
So yeah that's the most truthful shit I've written in a long time. I love this site and you guys. Only place I've ever been able to be 100 percent Drew and not be ashamed. So thank you all. This isn't a suicide note or anything just a treatise to the way I am feeling.
Waking up in jail not knowing how I got there wasn't near as scary as I imagined it would be. Or I was just still high from benzos. Prolly that one. Luckily it is just a misdemeanor paraphernalia ticket. Luckily my parents are saints and make sure I get to the clinic to dose everyday. Pay for it. Paid a lawyer. Sat with me in the hospital while my kidneys failed and I detoxes benzos. Nursed me to health. Fucking good people I tell you. I wish I could repay them. They want me to succeed as there payment they say. Fuck the one thing I can't give.
My grandmother died a month after I got out. I couldn't even cry at the funeral. We where close too. Well we used to be anyway. I don't feel close to anyone anymore. I lie to everyone because I am embarrassed. All I do is eat sleep and surf the net. Is that a life? Yeah it's only been 2 months or whatever but truthfully this has been going on for a couple years strait. 10 years off and on. 2 years since I held a job years 3 since college. I'm the definition of a deadbeat junky recluse. And I am ok with it. Yeah I complain sometimes but mostly it's ok.
I miss my friends. I miss concerts. I miss heroin. I really miss having a reason to get out of bed. Heroin for all its bullshit did force a certain amount of action. Methadone requires none of that. It's easy comfortable. I feel nothing and that's just the truth.
I hope my mom reads this one day when I'm gone. I'm sorry I couldn't be more. You deserve better and I'm sorry for so many things. None of this was your fault I know you did your best and I know you love me. That's what makes this so hard. I see the disappointment in your face. You and mark deserve better but I can't give it. I'm broken there's something bad wrong with my head. I think about suicide a lot like if I took the doctors advice I would never leave the phych ward. Your the reason I haven't killed myself because I don't want to hurt you anymore. But at the same time I'm a burden on you guys and I hate that. I hate it so much I cry about it inside.
What should I do mom? Is it better if I kill myself and unburden you financially but burden your heart forever? I have seen that hurt from the outside and it's gutwrenching. I don't want that for you. I thought about prison but that would still put financial burden on you and the family would look down on you in your eyes. The cousins are so successful aren't they? I'm proud of them but it hurts too. I feel left behind. Judged exposed. I wanted you to be proud one day too late so to speak. But it's all on me you gave me every opportunity to succeed. None of this is on you.
So yeah that's the most truthful shit I've written in a long time. I love this site and you guys. Only place I've ever been able to be 100 percent Drew and not be ashamed. So thank you all. This isn't a suicide note or anything just a treatise to the way I am feeling.
