This has been an interesting last couple of days. Although managable, the W/D's weren't fun and after work Monday, I went directly to bed, stayed there all day, all night, until Tuesday early afternoon rolled around and it was time to go back to work again. On Tuesday, I wanted to feel happy about being at work, not wishing I wasn't there, able to W/D at home and vegetate at the TV and the walls. Good old Pink Floyd in The Wall, stuck off in a not happy zone, thats how I felt, so 6 hrs after I took my dose of ultram, I took an additional 4 1/2 pills. That's NOT a good thing in the long run, but fuck all I wanted was to feel some fucking serenity instead of dis-ease and discomfort.
I'm not sure if the doc has oked my Rx at the pharm, but I usually wait 48-72 hrs b4 checking, so as not to seem TOO anxious. I really hope there will be a bottle of pills ready and waiting for ME tomorrow, God please. So wasn't sure if I would or would not be getting any assistance from my Rx painkillers anytime soon, so the only other option for me of course was meth. I called Linda and asked if I could pick up a $20 after work, but she said no she had no money. The last couple Tuesdays she's gotten it for me cause she knows I'll pay, but she doesn't always have money. Fine, so I called the connect Aimee hooked me up with, he told me to call him when I got off work, so I did, but he refused to answer the phone. That dealer is a fucking flake. Still, right before my shift ended Johnny, Aimee's ex boyfriend told me to call Linda at her house so I did.
She was very upset, said that Kevin the flakey connect sold her his car, which she has, but she paid him $900 trusting that he would deliver the pink slip and registration papers. She hasn't heard hide nor hare from him in 3 days and he refuses to answer her calls. "Please can you come over right away after work? Are you almost done?," she asked. "Yes, sure," I said. "Joe is coming over and we'll probably end up getting something...." Good. I sure as fuck hope so. Get me away from these damn W/fucking/D's! This is excellent, I'm on the chemical roller coaster, but it feels almost impossible to get off and stay off day after day feeling like shit. I did talk to Cheryl and Jeff, my NA friends. Cheryl said the women that I know well there are very concerned about me and so is she. She hates seeing me so depressed and tired all the time and why do I insist I must go through this alone? "I can't get off these damn pills without feeling like total crap for extended lengths of time! And while I appreciate the love and support everyone wants to give me, that's so sweet, as much as I WISH someone COULD take this away from me, there's not a damn thing anyone can fucking do."
"It's not like any one person can wave a magic wand and make me well," I said although I did feel a pang of regret thinking about and missing my friends. When I was incarcerated back in Nov 2006 for 17 days, I finally started to feel physically better by the 11th day of my forced sobriety and detox. It was a trip too, because not only from that day forward did I feel physically well, but the obsession, the intense cravings for dope simply vanished and ceased to hold any real power over me. That felt liberating, as I hadn't felt that in a very LONG time, never thought I would either. Eleven days seems like an eternity when you're sick, however, because all I had to do was focus on nothing but my thoughts, myself, and God, boring as it was, I still didn't have to worry about making it to work, or complete other bullshit responsibilities that are required in life on the outside. So, it was a simple cold turkey detox but at least I didn't have to worry about being able to be in a good enough mood to be able to not hate being at work cause of feeling so crappy.
I took the freeway from Irvine to home, happy that I had an intuition that relief was waiting for me at the dope house. I love driving home from work most Tuesdays and I love going to my favorite spot because I have 5 years of positive assossiations with that place. It served as a home for me for a period when I was homeless, a place to be able to bathe and sleep, and use without hassle. In their world, I was not an outsider because we all had the same basic need. That house also served as a place to hang out to be able to use or just socialize and watch/listen to all the comings and goings of various dope fiends that are more entertaining most of the time than going to some "normal" place where "normal" people have fun. I pulled up at the house, there were a shitload of fiends that night. I hadn't seen Johnny in 2 years, the last time I'd seen him had been at an NA meeting. He'd had 9 months and I had a year or something. He managed to get his one year chip, I managed to get a 2 year chip. Yet, there we both were, back at the dope house again.
Another fiend that's a drunk that hangs out there named Chris also drifted in and out of NA/AA meetings, he'd seen me about a year ago in an NA meeting, then fancy we're back HERE again, haha. I was so grateful to Linda when she handed me a $20 bag and I did my issue, didn't feel much, although I did feel better. Ok wasn't the best shit that night. Oh well, better than nothing. More and different people hung at the pad, it was quite lively alright. Johnny, Aimee's ex kept giving me a hard time, teasing me bout walking the Blvd for $$ 4 yrs ago. "Hey, it was honest work at least," I said. I frown on scandalous folks that scam and rip people off left and right. I've sold dope, I've pawned jewelry once, I've sold my ass, sold my things, or worked at regular jobs, but didn't as a general rule go around stealing because I strongly disagree with THAT.
Looks like Linda got scammed out of $900 and I told her, "Girl, you don't give him your money until after he gives you the pink slip and reg sheets. She had been taken by Vanessa too apparently. Before Linda went off to jail the last time, she did another dumb thing, gave Vanessa her car to take care of, Vanessa sold her car and kept the money from what everyone says. Sigh again. Linda is one of the few honest non thieves in the dope world, thats why I trust her not to rip me off, BUT she has no common sense when it comes to people ripping HER off. So, had a wonderful visit, talked to Linda, Aimee, Cody, Johnny, this 23 year old dude named Chad that was chattin this old sexy middle aged broad up, hopin to get lucky. He kept filling bowl after bowl of meth, but it didn't occur to me he was interested in me THAT way. Fuck me. Then Johnny was after me too. Actually, I look nice, but have finally accepted my body and no longer tripping over not having the old one.
Thats 3 different guys that made it a point to tell me they thought I still really have it goin on, in spite of the extra % of me there is now available to grab onto. I was able to look in the mirror and actually feel GOOD about what I saw, have been the last couple weeks, maybe more, but what is such a relief is that I no longer feel self loathing or self contempt. I'm simply a nice looking middle aged broad with more bounce to the ounce. I came home at 6am Wed (today) and really got into writing, really got into sex too. I love how meth heightens my sense of touch and now for the first time in years, my sexuality too. It enables me to experience the pleasure of getting off, even if it is by myself. I'd rather wait until having sex WITH someone else later or not at all if there's no one in my life that I want to share that part of me with. It's a great way to release tension. I guess that's why men can't keep their snakes in their pants often times.
I'm enjoying these sensual pleasures of meth, the writing, the sex, even talking to different friends on line I hardly ever get a chance to talk to and having the patience to dick around with this computer. Loving the benefits, but yeah I know, I've GOT to get unhooked off Tramadol or painkillers, somehow get back to feeling normal and not shitty without them. The meth then ideally would be for schedule only if at all, and yeah I know I shouldn't be doing it at all, but DAMN it feels so nice to feel the benefits of it that I couldn't somehow get sober.
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) to numb me to whatever the result of the interview would be for a few days. And sure enough, when I got the call this morning I arched my back and just started smiling and stretching out my whole body like it's the first time I've ever been alive. It seriously feels so good to know that I will survive on my own when I was gradually turning into a dependent with a massive self-medication problem, which would probably turn me into a gigantic sack of shit if I didn't start becoming self-sufficient in a way other than shifting money around from here to there in an attempt to empty water out of a sinking ship.
(to draw and look at)
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
), worked on a couple cartoony abstract doodles from the notebook. 
