4/17/2009
A lot has happened this week. I did get my dental surgery on Monday. That helped the worst of the pain, but I still can’t eat hard food on that tooth. After I went to work Tuesday, I stayed the night at Aimee’s, partied all night in the garage, had a fuckin awesome time just like the old days. Aimee and I talked about Ibogaine and she said that yes she would be willing to get clean off the heroin and perhaps stay off opiates for a while, BUT eventually she’d want to be able to pop some opiate pills or something. The NA program offers great recovery, but the reality is this: there are things about being clean that are great that you no longer have to put up with getting loaded. Some of the benefits are obvious, like not being able to be hassled by cops, being responsible, showing up to work every day and on time, your family and friends can count on you again, you repair the wreckage of your life, learn more about yourself and why you do the things you do, become a better parent if you have kids, that’s for sure.
The down side at least for me are that I lost my ability to write poetry, still haven’t gotten it back, but I’m not tripping. I gained a ton of weight which I tried just about every way I could think of without chemicals to lose it. After I stopped drugs for good for 2 years, there’s this muscle memory from poppin pills, shootin up, plus my mind is simply diverted by the dope. I never smoked cigarettes, and seeing Mom with her emphysema and how badly it’s affected her, no thanks on the bloody cigarettes. I’d rather go back to meth or diet pills. Now, ironically, after talking about this weight issue with Aimee a lot, and then only after getting a little bit of chems in my system, meth, plus my willingness to change my mind about myself if I cannot change my body, Aimee reintroducing me to wearing nice clothes, make up, and hairstyle….well the result is this: I’m still overweight, but on the days I did a little bit of meth, I wore Aimee’s clothes that she gave me, did make up, hair, and felt more confident than I had in the last 2 yrs as far as my body is concerned.
Unfortunately, the other major disadvantage of sobriety for me was once I could no longer fit into my skinny clothes, and that happened mighty fast, while I pretended and lied to myself saying it didn’t bother me, when it did horrifically, from that point on shopping and wearing pretty clothes and make up had become nothing more than a chore. In fact, my attitude was why even bother. Aimee and I are about the same weight, but when I look at her, I don’t see a fat chick, I see a beautiful woman, just like she’s always been. All the study of spirituality I did during the last 2 years told me that in order to change your body, your life, or your circumstances, you had to change your mind. That makes sense. Sometimes it’s easier than others. When I saw Beth Chapman on TV, then saw Aimee, then asked her some hard questions woman to woman like, “Am I still pretty enough to even think about sex with someone?” “Yes you are,” she said with sincerity. “Yes, absolutely,” said Don her boyfriend.
The bad thing about knowing people at the height of your physical beauty is that once you feel you’ve lost it, then there is no way in hell you wanna go out on social occasions with said people. My breasts, once a size 36 or 38 C went up a whole size to a 40 or 42 D. I look at them in the mirror and while they still possess their pretty shape, symmetry, and pink nipples, the bigger size makes it impossible for them to perk right out like “slope tits” as Ricci had once referred to my once upon a time much smaller, but pretty 34B daily meth diet titties that stood right up and out at age 33. I was worried that perhaps I’m starting to get that dreadful drooping of my breasts, but Aimee and Don assured me no, they were beautiful, only bigger. At that point Aimee grabbed and slapped my ass on several occasions. “You have the perfect shaped ass, I love it!” LOL. Was she talking to me? I’m definitely padded there. I never liked my ass except when I was meth rail thin, others years ago had told me too that my stomach and ass when not on meth were unattractive. I carried that with me forever and it made me very self conscience and have no self confidence as far as my body was concerned unless I was on a steady diet of meth.
A lot has happened this week. I did get my dental surgery on Monday. That helped the worst of the pain, but I still can’t eat hard food on that tooth. After I went to work Tuesday, I stayed the night at Aimee’s, partied all night in the garage, had a fuckin awesome time just like the old days. Aimee and I talked about Ibogaine and she said that yes she would be willing to get clean off the heroin and perhaps stay off opiates for a while, BUT eventually she’d want to be able to pop some opiate pills or something. The NA program offers great recovery, but the reality is this: there are things about being clean that are great that you no longer have to put up with getting loaded. Some of the benefits are obvious, like not being able to be hassled by cops, being responsible, showing up to work every day and on time, your family and friends can count on you again, you repair the wreckage of your life, learn more about yourself and why you do the things you do, become a better parent if you have kids, that’s for sure.
The down side at least for me are that I lost my ability to write poetry, still haven’t gotten it back, but I’m not tripping. I gained a ton of weight which I tried just about every way I could think of without chemicals to lose it. After I stopped drugs for good for 2 years, there’s this muscle memory from poppin pills, shootin up, plus my mind is simply diverted by the dope. I never smoked cigarettes, and seeing Mom with her emphysema and how badly it’s affected her, no thanks on the bloody cigarettes. I’d rather go back to meth or diet pills. Now, ironically, after talking about this weight issue with Aimee a lot, and then only after getting a little bit of chems in my system, meth, plus my willingness to change my mind about myself if I cannot change my body, Aimee reintroducing me to wearing nice clothes, make up, and hairstyle….well the result is this: I’m still overweight, but on the days I did a little bit of meth, I wore Aimee’s clothes that she gave me, did make up, hair, and felt more confident than I had in the last 2 yrs as far as my body is concerned.
Unfortunately, the other major disadvantage of sobriety for me was once I could no longer fit into my skinny clothes, and that happened mighty fast, while I pretended and lied to myself saying it didn’t bother me, when it did horrifically, from that point on shopping and wearing pretty clothes and make up had become nothing more than a chore. In fact, my attitude was why even bother. Aimee and I are about the same weight, but when I look at her, I don’t see a fat chick, I see a beautiful woman, just like she’s always been. All the study of spirituality I did during the last 2 years told me that in order to change your body, your life, or your circumstances, you had to change your mind. That makes sense. Sometimes it’s easier than others. When I saw Beth Chapman on TV, then saw Aimee, then asked her some hard questions woman to woman like, “Am I still pretty enough to even think about sex with someone?” “Yes you are,” she said with sincerity. “Yes, absolutely,” said Don her boyfriend.
The bad thing about knowing people at the height of your physical beauty is that once you feel you’ve lost it, then there is no way in hell you wanna go out on social occasions with said people. My breasts, once a size 36 or 38 C went up a whole size to a 40 or 42 D. I look at them in the mirror and while they still possess their pretty shape, symmetry, and pink nipples, the bigger size makes it impossible for them to perk right out like “slope tits” as Ricci had once referred to my once upon a time much smaller, but pretty 34B daily meth diet titties that stood right up and out at age 33. I was worried that perhaps I’m starting to get that dreadful drooping of my breasts, but Aimee and Don assured me no, they were beautiful, only bigger. At that point Aimee grabbed and slapped my ass on several occasions. “You have the perfect shaped ass, I love it!” LOL. Was she talking to me? I’m definitely padded there. I never liked my ass except when I was meth rail thin, others years ago had told me too that my stomach and ass when not on meth were unattractive. I carried that with me forever and it made me very self conscience and have no self confidence as far as my body was concerned unless I was on a steady diet of meth.