4/17/2009
The thing is though, that all the time I was as thin as I wanted to be, it was my complete confidence in how I looked that others found attractive, because when one or two people had told me they thought I was too thin and unattractive, I simply didn’t believe them and felt beautiful, hot, and sexy anyway. Therefore, so did most of the rest of the world. It’s very difficult though when you’re on a steady diet of drugs for so long, then one day you just stop, and the body you’ve been accustomed to for so long all of a sudden changes drastically, and fast. A man I’d had an affair with 8 years ago in Dublin came on line one night and IMed me, the very same night I’d had my official relapse on X. Well on X, it’s incredible the things I said to people on the phone, my Mom, Aimee, Erik who’s phone was broken at the time, then John. Had I been even a little bit buzzed the night I talked to my brother’s wife, the way I spoke kind words from the heart with my friends on X, my brother’s wife and I would have become friendly if not maybe even friends and because his wife said I was a sweet lady, I’d probably be in touch with my brother.
But sobriety left me feeling so awkward knowing what Alice, Ed’s mom said, which was that Dawn, his wife hated me. I was polite, but other than asking to speak to my brother or get my sister’s address, I didn’t know how to act because I felt afraid, although I swear I did try. Had I NOT been on X the night my old flame IMed me, he and I wouldn’t be talking today. Had I been sober, I would have said something like “Hi how are you? I hope your business is going well. I hope you’re happy,” and that would have been it. So what I’m saying is that for me chems in very small quantities bring out the sweetness in me that somehow stays under lock and key sober, at least for a very long time. Sometimes it has taken years for me to really get to know someone because of my emotional damage that some call inhibitions. So how does one go about changing their mind? It’s a process. After trying on different outfits at Aimee’s, putting the make up and hair do, I could not believe how the entire garage of dope fiends kept saying how beautiful I was. Had I lost weight? Gee I look so happy compared to before when they’d seen me stop by sober and wearing plain fat clothes.
“No I certainly did NOT lose weight,” I had to repeat 4 or 5 times. “It was Aimee, my girl showed me I hadn’t lost my beauty.” “Are you sure you didn’t lose any weight?” “No man, just different clothes and make up.” I’ve come to terms with the body I have now. I doubt I’ll ever lose much weight, and although I’d rather have my old body than this one, you know what? This is the one I’ve got and although heavy I still possess my beauty, only a heavier one than before. The clothes made me feel sexy and attractive, something I hadn’t felt for 2 years. So therefore, I’ve changed my mind. I will make the most out of what I have. “What happened? You look happier than I’ve seen you look in a long, long time,” was the consensus of different dope fiends that hadn’t seen me in a while. “Honestly, it’s because I’m chemmed up. I hadn’t been for a long time before tonight.” That is true too, for sure. After I’d read what I’d written on X, then talked in great length to John who for some reason enjoys talking to me a lot more now than he did 8 yrs ago. What was up with that?
Then after reading the conversations we’d had in print, he had pointed out things about me that I hadn’t been aware of. And again, when it came right down to it, as I discovered after doing the written work from NA’s 12 Steps, I hadn’t realized how needy I came off to men. Therefore, I’d get my heart broken over and over again often times probably because I’d been unknowingly been repeating some of the same mistakes over and over. I cried after things that had been hidden from me before, now revealed, able to see it from another person’s perspective in print, showed me too how guarded I’d been and had unconsciously been putting up many different barriers over and over. The small amount of chems I’d done that night allowed me to write my feelings about what I thought this all meant. I suppose if I’d stayed sober and continued working the NA program, eventually I might have found out different pieces to my emotional puzzle, only it would have taken a hell of a lot longer. And of course, I never would have had that conversation with John in the first place sober because I would have considered my honest feelings inappropriate to share with him.
The X had a way of helping me avoid the same old blocks of anger, broken hearts in the past, or whatever other negative issues that kept me guarded. Instead, it showed me with everyone, John included, the value of forgiving, and fear was not an obstacle either. I had simply told Mom, Aimee, John, and Erik although his phone was broken so he didn’t get his message, how much I valued the positive aspects of them during the times I’d been fortunate enough to spend with them and that I loved them. Well alright I did not tell John that I loved him, but how I had valued his qualities of tenderness, sweetness, and kindness, and how he had treated me like a lady the entire time I was visiting him in Dublin. The last thing that a little bit of meth or X has given me back is the ability to enjoy sex (although solo for me) even once in a while and I forgot how pleasurable orgasms felt. I tried a few times to release sexual tension during my 2 years of sobriety, but sadly it rarely worked and the couple times it did, it was not very exciting. My sense of touch seems 100% magnified with a little bit of meth and made it possible to release some pent up angst.
Of course, I know damn well that it’s no good to justify these excuses to myself in order to rationalize why it’s ok to get high. In my 25+ years experience of being a chemical enthusiast, generally a low dose is best to obtain the positive aspects of drug use. Going over that, then anything bad can happen, and we all know how easy and fast it is to be clean for a long time, then BAM, you pick up, 2 wks or so later guess what? You’re back to where you left off when you quit using dope and tolerance steadily rising. Aimee and Linda, and another dope fiend were discussing how ideally balance is the solution for chem. Enthusiasts. Yes, in a perfect world, absolutely. However, the whole reason dope fiends are dope fiends is for the very reason that dope has become so pleasurable or able to alleviate undesirable pain, that they have no concept of balance because to us, more will never be enough. This is why NA says to permanently abstain from all mind altering, mood changing drugs. Drug addicts cannot use in moderation the way some occasional drug users can, like some can drink in moderation, while alcoholics really can’t.
So here I am. What do I do? Where do I go from here? There were numerous things I liked about complete abstinence, but other positive qualities forever lost to me once I got clean. It’s a trade off. Some good, some bad. In my case, I unintentionally got hooked on that damned Tramadol, and after 6 months of repeated failures trying to detox from the drug and facing extremely unpleasant W/D’s, led me directly to relapse on more so called dangerous drugs. The X and the seraquil only kept me off Tramadol 3 days b4 I couldn’t stand it any longer. I switched to my Rx painkillers, pills I remember were not as rough withdrawing from as the Tramadol. Now the deal is this: I know I need to taper off, but knowing how unpleasant it is is like the time I had to turn myself in and go to jail voluntarily. The closer the time comes, the more dreadful it seems because I know damn well how unpleasant it’s gonna be. I showed a lot more strength when it came to turning myself in than I have in tapering because I don’t want to face the unpleasant W/D’s.
Then, of course, the meth. After work Tuesday, having a blast with everyone that night, I came home Wednesday, took 3 painkillers, laid down, but did not go to sleep because I had more dental surgery to do that day as well. I managed to release sexual tension through masturbation thanks to the drugs and went to the dentist, got more oral surgery done. I still have to go back for more. So after that, I ended up doing a few errands, then decided to go back to Aimee’s because I wanted to buy a single shot only of meth so I’d have the get up and go after I slept. Aimee and I ended up driving around doing errands together, she got me some glasses so I can read. My vision got blurry leaving me unable to read or write without a magnifying glass a week ago. Hell at 44 years old, I’m lucky I never needed them until now. She told me to call Erik, I did, and Aimee kept talking to me most of the time while I was on the phone with him. “Dude girl, I can’t hear both of you at once!,” I said. Erik was on a pleasant nod on and off because the smack was unexpectedly strong. “Oh I feel sooo sorry for you!,” exclaimed Aimee being playfully jealous.
The thing is though, that all the time I was as thin as I wanted to be, it was my complete confidence in how I looked that others found attractive, because when one or two people had told me they thought I was too thin and unattractive, I simply didn’t believe them and felt beautiful, hot, and sexy anyway. Therefore, so did most of the rest of the world. It’s very difficult though when you’re on a steady diet of drugs for so long, then one day you just stop, and the body you’ve been accustomed to for so long all of a sudden changes drastically, and fast. A man I’d had an affair with 8 years ago in Dublin came on line one night and IMed me, the very same night I’d had my official relapse on X. Well on X, it’s incredible the things I said to people on the phone, my Mom, Aimee, Erik who’s phone was broken at the time, then John. Had I been even a little bit buzzed the night I talked to my brother’s wife, the way I spoke kind words from the heart with my friends on X, my brother’s wife and I would have become friendly if not maybe even friends and because his wife said I was a sweet lady, I’d probably be in touch with my brother.
But sobriety left me feeling so awkward knowing what Alice, Ed’s mom said, which was that Dawn, his wife hated me. I was polite, but other than asking to speak to my brother or get my sister’s address, I didn’t know how to act because I felt afraid, although I swear I did try. Had I NOT been on X the night my old flame IMed me, he and I wouldn’t be talking today. Had I been sober, I would have said something like “Hi how are you? I hope your business is going well. I hope you’re happy,” and that would have been it. So what I’m saying is that for me chems in very small quantities bring out the sweetness in me that somehow stays under lock and key sober, at least for a very long time. Sometimes it has taken years for me to really get to know someone because of my emotional damage that some call inhibitions. So how does one go about changing their mind? It’s a process. After trying on different outfits at Aimee’s, putting the make up and hair do, I could not believe how the entire garage of dope fiends kept saying how beautiful I was. Had I lost weight? Gee I look so happy compared to before when they’d seen me stop by sober and wearing plain fat clothes.
“No I certainly did NOT lose weight,” I had to repeat 4 or 5 times. “It was Aimee, my girl showed me I hadn’t lost my beauty.” “Are you sure you didn’t lose any weight?” “No man, just different clothes and make up.” I’ve come to terms with the body I have now. I doubt I’ll ever lose much weight, and although I’d rather have my old body than this one, you know what? This is the one I’ve got and although heavy I still possess my beauty, only a heavier one than before. The clothes made me feel sexy and attractive, something I hadn’t felt for 2 years. So therefore, I’ve changed my mind. I will make the most out of what I have. “What happened? You look happier than I’ve seen you look in a long, long time,” was the consensus of different dope fiends that hadn’t seen me in a while. “Honestly, it’s because I’m chemmed up. I hadn’t been for a long time before tonight.” That is true too, for sure. After I’d read what I’d written on X, then talked in great length to John who for some reason enjoys talking to me a lot more now than he did 8 yrs ago. What was up with that?
Then after reading the conversations we’d had in print, he had pointed out things about me that I hadn’t been aware of. And again, when it came right down to it, as I discovered after doing the written work from NA’s 12 Steps, I hadn’t realized how needy I came off to men. Therefore, I’d get my heart broken over and over again often times probably because I’d been unknowingly been repeating some of the same mistakes over and over. I cried after things that had been hidden from me before, now revealed, able to see it from another person’s perspective in print, showed me too how guarded I’d been and had unconsciously been putting up many different barriers over and over. The small amount of chems I’d done that night allowed me to write my feelings about what I thought this all meant. I suppose if I’d stayed sober and continued working the NA program, eventually I might have found out different pieces to my emotional puzzle, only it would have taken a hell of a lot longer. And of course, I never would have had that conversation with John in the first place sober because I would have considered my honest feelings inappropriate to share with him.
The X had a way of helping me avoid the same old blocks of anger, broken hearts in the past, or whatever other negative issues that kept me guarded. Instead, it showed me with everyone, John included, the value of forgiving, and fear was not an obstacle either. I had simply told Mom, Aimee, John, and Erik although his phone was broken so he didn’t get his message, how much I valued the positive aspects of them during the times I’d been fortunate enough to spend with them and that I loved them. Well alright I did not tell John that I loved him, but how I had valued his qualities of tenderness, sweetness, and kindness, and how he had treated me like a lady the entire time I was visiting him in Dublin. The last thing that a little bit of meth or X has given me back is the ability to enjoy sex (although solo for me) even once in a while and I forgot how pleasurable orgasms felt. I tried a few times to release sexual tension during my 2 years of sobriety, but sadly it rarely worked and the couple times it did, it was not very exciting. My sense of touch seems 100% magnified with a little bit of meth and made it possible to release some pent up angst.
Of course, I know damn well that it’s no good to justify these excuses to myself in order to rationalize why it’s ok to get high. In my 25+ years experience of being a chemical enthusiast, generally a low dose is best to obtain the positive aspects of drug use. Going over that, then anything bad can happen, and we all know how easy and fast it is to be clean for a long time, then BAM, you pick up, 2 wks or so later guess what? You’re back to where you left off when you quit using dope and tolerance steadily rising. Aimee and Linda, and another dope fiend were discussing how ideally balance is the solution for chem. Enthusiasts. Yes, in a perfect world, absolutely. However, the whole reason dope fiends are dope fiends is for the very reason that dope has become so pleasurable or able to alleviate undesirable pain, that they have no concept of balance because to us, more will never be enough. This is why NA says to permanently abstain from all mind altering, mood changing drugs. Drug addicts cannot use in moderation the way some occasional drug users can, like some can drink in moderation, while alcoholics really can’t.
So here I am. What do I do? Where do I go from here? There were numerous things I liked about complete abstinence, but other positive qualities forever lost to me once I got clean. It’s a trade off. Some good, some bad. In my case, I unintentionally got hooked on that damned Tramadol, and after 6 months of repeated failures trying to detox from the drug and facing extremely unpleasant W/D’s, led me directly to relapse on more so called dangerous drugs. The X and the seraquil only kept me off Tramadol 3 days b4 I couldn’t stand it any longer. I switched to my Rx painkillers, pills I remember were not as rough withdrawing from as the Tramadol. Now the deal is this: I know I need to taper off, but knowing how unpleasant it is is like the time I had to turn myself in and go to jail voluntarily. The closer the time comes, the more dreadful it seems because I know damn well how unpleasant it’s gonna be. I showed a lot more strength when it came to turning myself in than I have in tapering because I don’t want to face the unpleasant W/D’s.
Then, of course, the meth. After work Tuesday, having a blast with everyone that night, I came home Wednesday, took 3 painkillers, laid down, but did not go to sleep because I had more dental surgery to do that day as well. I managed to release sexual tension through masturbation thanks to the drugs and went to the dentist, got more oral surgery done. I still have to go back for more. So after that, I ended up doing a few errands, then decided to go back to Aimee’s because I wanted to buy a single shot only of meth so I’d have the get up and go after I slept. Aimee and I ended up driving around doing errands together, she got me some glasses so I can read. My vision got blurry leaving me unable to read or write without a magnifying glass a week ago. Hell at 44 years old, I’m lucky I never needed them until now. She told me to call Erik, I did, and Aimee kept talking to me most of the time while I was on the phone with him. “Dude girl, I can’t hear both of you at once!,” I said. Erik was on a pleasant nod on and off because the smack was unexpectedly strong. “Oh I feel sooo sorry for you!,” exclaimed Aimee being playfully jealous.