Well she got me good, Miss Crystal Fucking Hyde. OMG, she and Mr. Prick managed to turn me into Miss Snooty Tooty into a complete cyber slut ad infinitum. What the hell? That's not all of course, Mr. Prick, although it had been 5 days since I'd seen him until tonight (last night), and the PK's have got me big time by the short and curlies. Although, the habit is relatively small comparitavly to what it COULD be and WILL be, even at this infant stage, I know I'm in deep fucking trouble. Kicking now is 10 times harder than when I had to kick 14, 10, or even 5 yrs ago. Who's fucking fault is that though? I really did a number on myself this time, fuck. The highs are fun while they last, but the depression, chronic fatigue, and no motivation or enthusiasm are exactly what I remember from before. I'd forgotten during 2 yrs sobriety how damn simple life is to not to have to be chemmed up or feel like crap. Don't take that for granted if ever you get clean by choice or by force. Trust me, it IS a luxory NOT to have to NEED dope even if you may WANT it. I don't know what I'm going to do. I know I managed to piss Erik off good and proper. Sigh. Am really fucking sorry. The chems got me good when they showed me what it's like to be under the influence of "the love drug" one night, then get hit with a double whammy by a seductive, rich, lover from the past, next thing I know, I've turned into a cyber slut after over 2 yrs of being a complete sexual prude. I thought the prude was here to stay because sobriety completely took away any and all sex drive for me and when b4 the drugs did the same, they did a complete 180 on me. WTF? I found that under the influence, the sensation of touch is magnefied by 100, or so it feels. I couldn't get off sober, except maybe twice by myself, but it was quick and boring unlike MEGA SENSATION from the X, then the meth. I'm surprised at Mr. Prick. (The needle) He NEVER let me get horny 4 anyone or anything but him, then he backhands me into a smorgasporg of sexual tension/stimulation. I had no release other than to write, and that I did. It was like 2 people, me the prude, and me the slut. Drugs kicked my ass again. Big time.
Also, that's not the worst. My ex sugar daddy sent me this very troubling IM yesterday....did not like how it sounded at all, in fact have a REALLY bad feeling someone may have gotten himself busted per chance, yet again. I didn't dare leave an IM or email, but I left several messages by phone. He hasn't called me back. Fuckin hell Jim, I only wish you would have listened to me cause I had a VERY bad feeling about that whole scene. I can only pray for you and I will. When it all comes right now to it, you're too nice a guy for shit like this to be happening. That's the exact same thing one of my long ago teachers had said to me, "you're 2 nice a person to get wrapped up in this....." Underneath the outlaws, he's right, we really are. I hope and pray for the best for you then....God bless and help you, help us all....