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is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine

a part of me is no longer here.
it feels like ive thrown whatever it was as far away from me as possible and it landed some where just as unsuspecting. like a bit of me has been missing and im just now realizing how important it was in the first place. i want that piece back but even just knowing it's there has me smiling in the morning. i wake up with music already stuck in my head, everything's simplified and easy to read, and my eyes seem to take in more than i thought they could.

It seems so clean at the first handshake
A look in the eye, a cock of the head
Making the impression prior second takes
Hoping that the situation was well read
Intros can be a door, opening up the world
A host of possibilities fractal in design
And even if the door is shut, new realities unfurl
And here's the conclusion to my introduction rhyme

there is some kind of virus on board
changed our dna patterns
has infected us
changed our dna patterns
has infected us

we cannot stop the ship ourselves
we are helpless to stop it

Novel targets for antidepressant therapies.

Holtzheimer PE, Nemeroff CB.

Curr Psychiatry Rep. 2008 Dec;10(6):465-73. Review.

Emerging targets for antidepressant therapies.

Rakofsky JJ, Holtzheimer PE, Nemeroff CB.

Curr Opin Chem Biol. 2009 Jun 4. [Epub ahead of print]

The Role of Serotonin in the Pathophysiology of Depression: As Important As Ever.

Nemeroff CB, Owens MJ.

Clin Chem. 2009 Jun 4. [Epub ahead of print]

Girls love man cream. They like it on their faces, in their mouths, on their chests, and all over there private areas. When they take you to bed with them, their ultimate goal is to squeeze your man cream out by whatever means possible so that they may taste it and play with on their bodies, and they all want it as fast as possible.

So, the point of all of this is to remind us men (including myself) that having a premature ejaculation is exactly what every woman wants - just make sure you don't try to hold it in. Let it fly, paint the town white so to speak.

It's 4:37am here in sunny wonderful south FL, so bare with us here. This is mainly Paige posting, Erica is here somewhere but I've got the wheels so to speak... nighttime is more my time as Erica gets terrible flashbacks and she also just spent several hours talking to our mother so that was pretty... tiring.

I want to explain where I personally fit into this mix of what is me, us, the system...

I have been with Erica since we were about three or so. Most of the rest of us have not aged and are at the same age as when we were created, but not me. In fact, I was 'Erica' before 'Erica' was 'Erica'. Does that make sense to anyone? I was the person who dealt with the outside world, before I got into a situation way over my head and Erica, as she is today, was formed. 'Erica', as she is usually, is actually only nine years old (as in, she was formed nine years ago, obviously her mindset is closer to the body's age). Erica's purpose is dissociation, to be good at it and to use it to not feel. She saw a lot of things, some in person, some online, that no one else in the system could have seen without going... batshit insane, basically.

When we were 15 we got, as the treatment center I was in for 6 weeks last year (not all at once) calls it, coercively kidnapped. Meaning, I was kidnapped, but I went willingly, with someone who I thought I could trust. Someone who I thought I loved, who didn't really exist. I was taken in by this creature, this man... he took his time. I met him on an old online RPG, and so I probably knew him since I was about 12. One night William (a different alter) was trying to commit suicide, and took a bunch of painkillers, not really knowing what they were. So he went online, and somehow started talking to this man, let's call him T for the sake of him never finding this blog (I know that's pretty much impossible).

To keep it short, T convinced Will to throw up all the pills, and we were up all night talking to T. During this period of time, Samantha (another alter) was being raped by the music teacher at school, and we were all being physically abused by our mother, but that's it as far as abuse.

I (Paige) started talking to T, and within several weeks he basically professed his love to me, and we talked on the phone for 10-12 hours (not a typo) a day for several months. This was in the middle of 1999. He came to FL to visit us in Dec. 1999, for new years. T was 19, we were 14, my parents allowed him to stay at our house. It took some convincing but T knew what to have me say to get them to give their okay. He brainwashed them through brainwashing me.

He visited several times and then moved very close to my house in April 2000. By May he had convinced me to move back with him to his home state (Louisiana) and that we would live happily ever after. My folks didn't like it, but they let it happen. T was very patient. We had done sexual things by this point, obv, but we didn't have intercourse until Oct 2000, several months after I moved to Louisiana with him. He took his time. Anyway, I had just turned 15, he was 20, and we were living in T's grandmother's house, where he had lived since turning 13.

Once getting there, it got more and more obvious that T was addicted to pornography. He was looking at child porn, but I was 15 and from what I saw it was mostly teenagers my age... so it didn't seem too weird. Little did I know, that was actually much older than he liked his girls. I was just the youngest he could muster in person that was still underage. Anyway, this is how he presented it to me, as harmless, and he said he would stop when I asked him to. He wasn't stupid, and although I didn't realize it at the time, this was his introduction to me into the world of child porn, a world I was not interested in entering.

Then, one day, after many tries at asking T to stop looking at porn, or at least underage porn, he gave me an ultimatum. I would have to deal with it or leave. At first I said I would leave then, but he convinced me to stay, that he would stop. And I chose to stay, because I was at the time naive, and I loooooved him, and that was what was important. Slowly the porn came back and became more important to him... but keeping to this time period, from about May 2000 to the end of 2000, one day T left the room and left a video open on the screen, and told me to take a look at it. I did, and that's when I left for a little hiatus. This next section may be a bit graphic so please read at your discretion:

It was a little girl, trapped in a large dog cage, being groped by several men (probably one of them being T), crying and trying to curl up into a ball, but unable to because of being tied up. It was too much for me to handle, and at that point another alter was created, the 'Erica' that speaks to you now (well, not right now, but usually).

I (Paige) could not deal with this sight - it was too disturbing for me, and 'Erica' couldn't handle it much better, but she could at least be present to make it go away. 'Erica' closed the window, told T that was disgusting, and T said oh, I left open the wrong thing... (after he re-entered the room and opened the video, and pretended to be disgusted) I never meant to download something like that, I didn't know that's what it was, etc. etc. But that was our intro into it, and once he and I got our own place a short time later, his whole world involved porn and raping/torturing us... we were literally together 24/7 up until we (the system - 'Erica') was 18. ALWAYS together. There are no words to explain how he brainwashed and used all of us, and I won't try. Needless to say, he could do no wrong and every problem we had was caused by me... and I got punished for it severely...

And life continued. Sometimes 'Erica' was there. She was there for the bad times, along with other alters, Jennifer mostly, and Timothy, and several with no names... And I was there, for the good times. Which became fewer and fewer. I did have sex willingly with him in Oct 2000, and several other times, but mostly the sex was forced, over the next several years... it may be hard to understand, but at that time, being the 'main' alter, I didn't know all of the other stuff that was going on - I had blocked out the horrible things he did to us all the time - and was only their for the good times. Surely if I had the whole picture, I would not have willingly had sex with this man, or even been near him. Of course when I did try to get away, I was always drawn back, by cries that he would kill himself if I left, or kill me, or tell the police that he 'found' a bunch of child porn on MY computer after I left (yes, how fucked up is that).

Please try to understand that even 'Erica' does not know the story of when she was created, although she does remember the scene with the caged child. I realize this is a wakeup for you, Erica... feels weird talking to you this way, but whatever. It's time to let this out of the bag, you can handle it.

And that's basically it. I gave up being the main alter, someone with a stronger stomach needed to be there... but it's unfair to her, and I am with her in wanting to unite the whole system. This chaos and fragmented memories, secrets and half-truths, has got to stop, and now...

ive been 2 school
ive met the ppl that u read about in books

so here come a riddle
here come a clue

if u were really smart ud kno what 2 do

Try, like, want, need…over time it’s like breathing. Before long you’re scratching the outside of a plastic bottle, sorting nickel from copper just so you can buy another white trash prostitute for the night.

It may be a little late for an introduction to me here as I already have quite a few blog posts.........

So I have decided to do a short series of blogs-

This being the Introductory Post of the series

The subject of the series will be-
Holistic Medicine……

Holistic-
“related to holism; Relating to an analysis of the whole instead of a separation into parts.”
source


“Holistic health is a philosophy of medical care that views physical and mental and spiritual aspects of life as closely interconnected and equally important approaches to treatment. ...”
source


Holistic medicine’s history goes back over 5000 years.
The Egyptians gave their knowledge of herbal and botanical medicine to the Greeks.
Herbal medicine is a great interest of mine.
This practice and other Holistic methods (acupuncture, massage, energy healing etc.) have been around much longer than the name ‘Holistic Medicine” and our common forms of medicine. The roots are wide- there is history in Chinese medicine, Indian, Egyptian, Greek, and American Indian ……..


Holistic Medicine is living and caring for yourself as a whole in harmony with nature.
Instead of treating your body with chemical products you try to achieve good health through natural ways…….
There are a number of things that I, myself or my family have tried and things I have always wanted to learn about or try myself…….
I am hoping that by starting this series it will give me the motivation to continue to learn

This is what I will look at during my little BL blog series

So live your life that the fear of death can never enter your heart.
Trouble no one about their religion; respect others in their view, and
Demand that they respect yours. Love your life, perfect your life,
Beautify all things in your life. Seek to make your life long and
Its purpose in the service of your people.

Prepare a noble death song for the day when you go over the great divide.
Always give a word or a sign of salute when meeting or passing a friend,
Even a stranger, when in a lonely place. Show respect to all people and
Bow to none. When you arise in the morning, give thanks for the food and
For the joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks,
The fault lies only in yourself. Abuse no one and nothing,
For abuse turns the wise ones to fools and robs the spirit of its vision.

When it comes your time to die, be not like those whose hearts
Are filled with fear of death, so that when their time comes
They weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again
In a different way. Sing your death song and die like a hero going home."

should I answer?
this is getting serious as terminal cancer
and that is the final stage
my primal rage began to rise
and I started to fantasize
how many more?
I tried to rush the door
I reached for my coolie
like a troop's supposed to do
never let a sucker get too close to you

they used to call me tricky kid
I live the life they wish they did
I live the life
don't own a car
but now they call me superstar
tell them where u at
tell them where u at bb

let you be the king of jungle
we run everything
always forever
has been
has been
with those german jamaicans
with twisted faces
same as it ever was!
tell me what the race is

I had a thought while reading a book...I also had a thought just now...I have lots of thoughts. But I don't express all of them. That's interesting, when thought about. What would happen if everybody said what they thought?

I have an example in my life currently. Can't give you his name, but he's quite an impressive specimen-Massive AD/HD and none too bright, to boot. The result: the man pretty much says whatever grabs his attention, which while extremely grating-almost maddening-has a certain poetry to it. He's not trying to give a false impression, and his motives are quite see-through.

Imagine if we were all like that. Without the grating and maddening part, of course.

i was diagnosed with advanced Ankylosing Spondylitis today, its bad, but its a diagnosis. my wife and i have been expecting something 1/2 serious at least, so we arent too shocked, just learning about this condition, and the treatments. i have been to the ER more times then i can remember for joint pain/swelling, but never checked out enough to find a reason, or even looked at to find a cause, i would always get vicodine and be shuffled off.

Since i was 16-18 i have been having these pains, im 31 now and do wish someone would of checked looked for a cause as a great portion of the damage done could of been avoided, and not of been allowed to reach this stage of progression. the pain is 24/7, i can only seem to get 3-5 hours of sleep at a time before im awoken by pain, and ive only been offered pain meds(timed hydromophone IV doses, and hydrocodone 7.5mg), after awakining smoking marijuana stops a large amount of lower back pain with in minutes or half way through a joint, and then gone with in 20 minutes. w/o marijuana, the pain/inflamation lasts for at least 2-3 hours and is what id consider to be an 8/10.

i found that, a good 1/5 gram +,- joint works as well and is less debilitating then 20+,- of hydrocodone, or 2-4mg IV hydromorphone. i sent in for medical marijuana, and was asked to perform a shot on myself of Humira; a biogenic TNF-pain blocker, these are very expensive, $800 per preloaded syringe, i would be taking 1 shot every 2 weeks, the trouble is i dont have insurance that covers prescriptions, i am on mental disability for schizoeffective d/o and bi polar, another story, so my medical bills are paid for, just not scripts. humira generally takes a few days to start working, my rheumetologist said i might feel some relief tomorrow or the next day, so we will see how i react to this stuff, and see if it holds up value as a pain blocker as it does in its price...

It's something i've wanted to do for awhile now but something is holding me back. Personally for me I see a male as someone who is ment to be strong and powerful and not someone that is weak. I guess my biggest fear with opening up to my dad about the pain I went through when I grew up and how i'm now suffering from severe depression is showing him that I am weak, i've got a problem and need help.

I know he will stick by me and always be there for me, at the end of the day he is my family and thats what family is there for. By opening up to him I know he will think he is somewhat responsible and think he has failed as a father. I know he did his best and I don't hold him resposible at all for how I turned out. As a father I see him as a role model and I do really love him and think he is a great dad. I just don't want to put him through my bullshit but at the same extent I also need the support from my family.

Often I wonder what would of happened if I said something when I was younger. What would of happened if I told him that I was getting bullied, teased and picked on. Maybe things would be different. Maybe I wouldn't be such a mess. Maybe I would of went better in school. Maybe id have a loving wife by now and a job I actually like.

So many ifs but whats the point. It's history and it can't be changed yet I still beat myself up about it daily. I can't let go. I can't stop thinking what would of happened if I expressed my emotions and feelings. I'm fairly certain I would of turned out as someone who is out going, social, have a wife and a job I actually like. I guess im still young and can still change the future for the better but for some reason I can't make the leap of faith.

Something is holding me back deep down inside and I can't seem to pin point what it is. Is it because I can't let go of the past? Is it because i'm scared of failing my dreams and ambitions? Is it because im lazy? Is it because i've been depressed most of my life? Why the fuck can't I figure this out, it frustrates the hell out me. It's tearing me apart both emotionally and physically.

I'm so confused on what to do. I know if I don't open up, it will be alot harder to recover without the support of my family but if I open up I know my dad will think he is some what responsible. Maybe I should speak to his girlfriend first for advice and get her opinion on the situation. Personally for me I find it alot easier to open up to the opposite sex. I'm not to sure why but for some reason I think females are more caring, supportive, understanding and don't mind showing affection. I know a male is still capable of these things but for some reason it just seems weird to me to open up to a male.

I also wonder how am I going to do it without shocking and worrying my parents to much. Do I tell them everything or only the parts I want them to know. Do I admit my self medicating with illicit substances? So many things to think about and figure out. Im so fucking confused and its driving me up the wall, doing my head in. I feel completely helpless, lost and i'm not sure on what the best plan of attack is.

If anyone reads this, this is my friest serious blog entry, wouldnt mind some feedback and/or advice.

Thanks Romie

Writing the last blog was very liberating for me. I guess it is kind of like "therapy" for me. I think I will try to do this more often, it can't hurt me and it may actually even help me in my life. So anyway, on June 1 of this year my youngest son told me his mom called and said she had a food card with a balance of $700.00. $300.00 of it was supposed to be retroactive for May, and then $400.00 for June. Well after she let the boys use the card I wrote down the 16 digit card# and the phone # for checking the balance. Friday 6/5 she had a balance of $430.73. Monday 6/8 her balance was $333.46 and Wednesday 6/10 the balance was $243.66. I confronted her on the phone and she denied any wrong doing, said shw was stocking up for her camping trip with a boyfriend. How said is that? Meanwhile, I am making do by learning how to cook real meals. She is such a bitch to her kids!!!!

We got Fun And Games
We got everything you want
Honey, we know the names

I love my brother so much-
He is in Iraq right now and I am like an anxiety ridden mother hen.....I've even shot up, wide awake out of deep sleep because of dreaming about hugging him
BUT he is coming home for a 2 week vacation!
Our whole family is getting together and I am ecstatic!
He wrote me today to say his dates have moved up so I may be seeing him in a couple weeks!
I hope after I see him my anxiety will settle a bit- crossing my fingers.
It will also be great to see my parents - Its been farrrrrrr too long.........over 4 years now......Alot has happened since I've seen them last.
It should be FAB all around
Yay!

Today is Tuesday, July 7th, 2009 and it is now
9:48 AM here in Brooklyn, NYC.

Music wise, I am watching Youtube...I love the "Hed Kandi" compilations as I have said
ad naseum, and have for more than a decade now. The problem of course is that so many of the artists on them have only made a couple of tracks and so there is never really a video, or at least one anyone might care to see. so...Usually I am left to my own devices as I listen to the track on Youtube, staring at the cover of the compliation or , at times, some Chill Out visual, like a sunset,etc.

"Midnight Love" by Tennishero...This track takes me back to the wooden deck at Guest House #9 on Beong Keok Lake in PP in Cambodia. The Guest House is a famous druggie dump, but that deck? Hash from all over the world, all the Back Packers, and... Rizza and I just looking out at the sunset, over the lake as the Khmer in their dugouts, harvesting their waterlillys...

www.youtube.com/?v=ugHz5EMF0UQ



Not too long ago someone brought up the question of my leaving NYC, and I was of the mind that it would be VERY soon, as in a day or two given the fact that I had just finished talking to Rizza via IM and believed we had overcome that huge hurdle... but alas, that was more than a week ago and obviously I am here.

Her mum is now going crazy, and I do not blame her because so am I...The difference being that since I was a lad of 11 I have been drilled and trained in overcoming such emotions and channeling them for advantage. I think it was neccessary, in Israel we rarely have the cases of PTSD that they have in the US. I killed my first man when I was 16 and have not had a moment's pause over it since. Contrary to what some say it never gets "easier," there is always a very heavy gravitas but none -the-less I am well grounded in what I did and why.

My mother-in-law though is a very simple woman. Smart as a whip, a degreed Engineer just like my father-in-law BUT she has never been further than Manila, and only then 2 times (1 of which was last month, which I will get to). She is a rural Bisaya woman from Mindanao and as such, her goal in life is to have many children (which she has) and to be a good wife. Fufillment to her is to have her children turn out good and that is fine, it is the Jewish way as well; EVERYTHING for the family.

Now comes Rizza, who for so long has been telling everyone that she is fine with us spending our life near the family. Reality though hit her hard. She wants to move to Europe...she would EVEN take the US at this point and there is no way I will spend my life in the West. She would take Israel as well, and that is fine with me of course, I love it but it is the family...

Rizza is the eldest daughter, the family is wealthy, and she is expected to be the second mum to the younger siblings, to help her parents as much as possible in that way as well as the businesses...and of course to produce many children to fill up the compound.

I truly do not know how it will turn out. Every morning my time, I wake up, it is evening at home, and right away Mom and Dad IM me, and ask me if I have made progress with her. Some days it is good news for them, others it is damn hard.

I am only 42, though I feel ancient with the life I have led. I have never even considered what my life would be like if she and I end. One of my biggest concerns is what would happen to her. Her family will never look at her again if it comes down to that, she would not be able to show her face in either San Franz OR in Tisa (Cebu) because of our huge extended family knowing every detail of everything.

Back there, if you look at your wife wrong you will have rumours within hours, crazy shit...


Hmmm...Let me deal with soemthing else.

I still need to get my TB reaction dealt with. I have to get the full chest work up, and then take a
9 month regimen of anti-virals to hopefully knock it out. The danger is in not keeping on my regimen, missing even 2 days can convert into a drug resistant strain according to my MD though I really need to look it up because that just sounds too paranoid to my thinking. 2 days and it is resistant? All I need...

Why do I procrastinate? It is always like that, in every part of my personal life. NEVER in the army, OR work but anything else...INERTIA squared.

Still on methadone, my usual 220 mgs.

My eldest brother-in-law, Ariel whom we call Tarik finally left for the West. He was supposed to be going to Northern Ireland but I advised him to do his best to try and snag a better placement. He ended up in Manchester, at least he will see some amazing football! Filipinos could not give a rat's ass about football (soccer to you Americans!). For some perverse reason, filipinos LOVE basketball.

Here is what is so bizarre though, so do Jews! Neither one of us have an iota of rythym and yet, both Peoples are absolutely rabid for the sport. Manchester United redeems England in my eyes because I loathe the country otherwise, mostly a bunch of Jew hating hypocrites as i see it.

Academic Boycott? Artistic Boycott (against israel)? Those are the 2 vehichles with which to effect change within a society so that in boycotting them you are saying you do not want the country to change, you just hate the country and want nothing to do with it regardless of what it does or does not do.

"Divestment Against Israel" is a piece of hypocrisy is ever there has been one. It makes no sense whatsoever. See, the rationale is Israel's "brutal oppression and occupation of Palestine," its "racist laws and actions" and so on. Problem #1 though is that Israel is the Nation of the Jewish People. Jews AND Arabs are BOTH Semites, how can we then be "racist"? Furthermore, Israeli-Arabs who make up a full 20% of our population not only have every right that I do, they have EXTRA rights. they alone of all Israeli demographics (we have many minority groups) have blanket exemptions from both Military AND National Service (the latter being a form of community service that takes half the time but gives the same social benefits).

Anyway, so Ariel is in London now, in Orientation for the NHS (Britain's socialised medicine system). As I said he will be heading up to Manchester to work in a General Toxicology Lab. Good, I can get him to snag me some decent lab equipment!

Dad and he had gone back to San Franz, and when it came time for him to depart. Mom joined them and they all headed up to Manila. they stayed in Makati again and Mom was so excited to see Jews hahahaah. Salcedo Village is the section in Makati where the Israeli Embassy is, as well as the country's own synagouge, which my Clan was 50% responsible in building.

My Clan, the Dwek, are spreadt out nicely around the world, in Textiles but mostly in Electronics. the branch in SE Asia though is MOSTLY into Textiles.

I will close with that exciting piece of news...



Anyway, shitty update but an update it is.

(Edited for spelling)

Today I am joining Obama in the quest to give up the tobacco habit. So wish me luck my friends.

Last night I dreamt that Julie Andrews from The Sound of Music was struggling to live in a steadily worsening modern day fascist state while trying to look on the bright side.

I’m having a hard time sleeping which is a surprise seeing as this is the first time I have been able to sleep in a bed in almost a year now. You’d think I’d crash right out. I didn’t even get to make it to the gym like I wanted to. I guess I could go now…it is open twenty-four hours and I don’t feel like I will be going to bed anytime soon but I have to be up in six hours to watch my cousin all day and wouldn’t be back till two or three in the morning and I’d be exhausted making getting up even harder then it’s already going to be.

Amanda came by the house this morning to bum a smoke off me. We chatted for a bit, apparently the owners of her boyfriends place want her out in two days. Problem is that they have nowhere to stay. She said they are going to try and take the landlords to court because they don’t have a legal reason to “evict “ them and they only gave them a week’s notice which is no time at all to find a new place and move out. I really do wish her the best of luck; I know how much it would suck for her to have to live with her parents again. Before she left I asked her if she could get me some weed since all my connections were dry as well as I’ve been trying to “stay clean off dope”, she told me she would try but it seems everyone’s been dry this past week.

About mid-day when I was feeling a little down Friendly gave me a surprise call which made me feel a little better. As I said in an earlier post he left Colorado and today when he called I believe he said he was in Chicago? Either way at the shelter he was staying at he heard the song Life is Beautiful by Sixx:A.M. and he said he had to call me because it reminded him of me and made him miss me. For the first time since he left he asked me if I was dope sick which I told him I was trying to quit again…for like the fifth time. Then he really said something that almost got me in tears…he mentioned that he wanted to come back to Colorado because he really missed me…he missed the dope too but if he could have anything he wishes we could both stay clean best friends. Sadly I know the chance of both of us being clean off junk is so slim, but it’s nice to dream right? I can’t wait till he comes back to Colorado even though he was someone I used a lot of drugs with he was such good company to have. Really one of the only friends I had honestly.

I was also up in my old hood today and decided to try and visit some of my old homies and weed dealer’s but to my surprise they all fucking moved! I was upset I lost contact with them; they were some of the most down to earth people I knew. Oh well shit happens. I am thinking about going downtown to check up on an old acquaintance who is / was a meth user, maybe have dinner with him. I could really use the company…