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I had a thought while reading a book...I also had a thought just now...I have lots of thoughts. But I don't express all of them. That's interesting, when thought about. What would happen if everybody said what they thought?

I have an example in my life currently. Can't give you his name, but he's quite an impressive specimen-Massive AD/HD and none too bright, to boot. The result: the man pretty much says whatever grabs his attention, which while extremely grating-almost maddening-has a certain poetry to it. He's not trying to give a false impression, and his motives are quite see-through.

Imagine if we were all like that. Without the grating and maddening part, of course.

i was diagnosed with advanced Ankylosing Spondylitis today, its bad, but its a diagnosis. my wife and i have been expecting something 1/2 serious at least, so we arent too shocked, just learning about this condition, and the treatments. i have been to the ER more times then i can remember for joint pain/swelling, but never checked out enough to find a reason, or even looked at to find a cause, i would always get vicodine and be shuffled off.

Since i was 16-18 i have been having these pains, im 31 now and do wish someone would of checked looked for a cause as a great portion of the damage done could of been avoided, and not of been allowed to reach this stage of progression. the pain is 24/7, i can only seem to get 3-5 hours of sleep at a time before im awoken by pain, and ive only been offered pain meds(timed hydromophone IV doses, and hydrocodone 7.5mg), after awakining smoking marijuana stops a large amount of lower back pain with in minutes or half way through a joint, and then gone with in 20 minutes. w/o marijuana, the pain/inflamation lasts for at least 2-3 hours and is what id consider to be an 8/10.

i found that, a good 1/5 gram +,- joint works as well and is less debilitating then 20+,- of hydrocodone, or 2-4mg IV hydromorphone. i sent in for medical marijuana, and was asked to perform a shot on myself of Humira; a biogenic TNF-pain blocker, these are very expensive, $800 per preloaded syringe, i would be taking 1 shot every 2 weeks, the trouble is i dont have insurance that covers prescriptions, i am on mental disability for schizoeffective d/o and bi polar, another story, so my medical bills are paid for, just not scripts. humira generally takes a few days to start working, my rheumetologist said i might feel some relief tomorrow or the next day, so we will see how i react to this stuff, and see if it holds up value as a pain blocker as it does in its price...

It's something i've wanted to do for awhile now but something is holding me back. Personally for me I see a male as someone who is ment to be strong and powerful and not someone that is weak. I guess my biggest fear with opening up to my dad about the pain I went through when I grew up and how i'm now suffering from severe depression is showing him that I am weak, i've got a problem and need help.

I know he will stick by me and always be there for me, at the end of the day he is my family and thats what family is there for. By opening up to him I know he will think he is somewhat responsible and think he has failed as a father. I know he did his best and I don't hold him resposible at all for how I turned out. As a father I see him as a role model and I do really love him and think he is a great dad. I just don't want to put him through my bullshit but at the same extent I also need the support from my family.

Often I wonder what would of happened if I said something when I was younger. What would of happened if I told him that I was getting bullied, teased and picked on. Maybe things would be different. Maybe I wouldn't be such a mess. Maybe I would of went better in school. Maybe id have a loving wife by now and a job I actually like.

So many ifs but whats the point. It's history and it can't be changed yet I still beat myself up about it daily. I can't let go. I can't stop thinking what would of happened if I expressed my emotions and feelings. I'm fairly certain I would of turned out as someone who is out going, social, have a wife and a job I actually like. I guess im still young and can still change the future for the better but for some reason I can't make the leap of faith.

Something is holding me back deep down inside and I can't seem to pin point what it is. Is it because I can't let go of the past? Is it because i'm scared of failing my dreams and ambitions? Is it because im lazy? Is it because i've been depressed most of my life? Why the fuck can't I figure this out, it frustrates the hell out me. It's tearing me apart both emotionally and physically.

I'm so confused on what to do. I know if I don't open up, it will be alot harder to recover without the support of my family but if I open up I know my dad will think he is some what responsible. Maybe I should speak to his girlfriend first for advice and get her opinion on the situation. Personally for me I find it alot easier to open up to the opposite sex. I'm not to sure why but for some reason I think females are more caring, supportive, understanding and don't mind showing affection. I know a male is still capable of these things but for some reason it just seems weird to me to open up to a male.

I also wonder how am I going to do it without shocking and worrying my parents to much. Do I tell them everything or only the parts I want them to know. Do I admit my self medicating with illicit substances? So many things to think about and figure out. Im so fucking confused and its driving me up the wall, doing my head in. I feel completely helpless, lost and i'm not sure on what the best plan of attack is.

If anyone reads this, this is my friest serious blog entry, wouldnt mind some feedback and/or advice.

Thanks Romie

Writing the last blog was very liberating for me. I guess it is kind of like "therapy" for me. I think I will try to do this more often, it can't hurt me and it may actually even help me in my life. So anyway, on June 1 of this year my youngest son told me his mom called and said she had a food card with a balance of $700.00. $300.00 of it was supposed to be retroactive for May, and then $400.00 for June. Well after she let the boys use the card I wrote down the 16 digit card# and the phone # for checking the balance. Friday 6/5 she had a balance of $430.73. Monday 6/8 her balance was $333.46 and Wednesday 6/10 the balance was $243.66. I confronted her on the phone and she denied any wrong doing, said shw was stocking up for her camping trip with a boyfriend. How said is that? Meanwhile, I am making do by learning how to cook real meals. She is such a bitch to her kids!!!!

We got Fun And Games
We got everything you want
Honey, we know the names

I love my brother so much-
He is in Iraq right now and I am like an anxiety ridden mother hen.....I've even shot up, wide awake out of deep sleep because of dreaming about hugging him
BUT he is coming home for a 2 week vacation!
Our whole family is getting together and I am ecstatic!
He wrote me today to say his dates have moved up so I may be seeing him in a couple weeks!
I hope after I see him my anxiety will settle a bit- crossing my fingers.
It will also be great to see my parents - Its been farrrrrrr too long.........over 4 years now......Alot has happened since I've seen them last.
It should be FAB all around
Yay!

Today is Tuesday, July 7th, 2009 and it is now
9:48 AM here in Brooklyn, NYC.

Music wise, I am watching Youtube...I love the "Hed Kandi" compilations as I have said
ad naseum, and have for more than a decade now. The problem of course is that so many of the artists on them have only made a couple of tracks and so there is never really a video, or at least one anyone might care to see. so...Usually I am left to my own devices as I listen to the track on Youtube, staring at the cover of the compliation or , at times, some Chill Out visual, like a sunset,etc.

"Midnight Love" by Tennishero...This track takes me back to the wooden deck at Guest House #9 on Beong Keok Lake in PP in Cambodia. The Guest House is a famous druggie dump, but that deck? Hash from all over the world, all the Back Packers, and... Rizza and I just looking out at the sunset, over the lake as the Khmer in their dugouts, harvesting their waterlillys...

www.youtube.com/?v=ugHz5EMF0UQ



Not too long ago someone brought up the question of my leaving NYC, and I was of the mind that it would be VERY soon, as in a day or two given the fact that I had just finished talking to Rizza via IM and believed we had overcome that huge hurdle... but alas, that was more than a week ago and obviously I am here.

Her mum is now going crazy, and I do not blame her because so am I...The difference being that since I was a lad of 11 I have been drilled and trained in overcoming such emotions and channeling them for advantage. I think it was neccessary, in Israel we rarely have the cases of PTSD that they have in the US. I killed my first man when I was 16 and have not had a moment's pause over it since. Contrary to what some say it never gets "easier," there is always a very heavy gravitas but none -the-less I am well grounded in what I did and why.

My mother-in-law though is a very simple woman. Smart as a whip, a degreed Engineer just like my father-in-law BUT she has never been further than Manila, and only then 2 times (1 of which was last month, which I will get to). She is a rural Bisaya woman from Mindanao and as such, her goal in life is to have many children (which she has) and to be a good wife. Fufillment to her is to have her children turn out good and that is fine, it is the Jewish way as well; EVERYTHING for the family.

Now comes Rizza, who for so long has been telling everyone that she is fine with us spending our life near the family. Reality though hit her hard. She wants to move to Europe...she would EVEN take the US at this point and there is no way I will spend my life in the West. She would take Israel as well, and that is fine with me of course, I love it but it is the family...

Rizza is the eldest daughter, the family is wealthy, and she is expected to be the second mum to the younger siblings, to help her parents as much as possible in that way as well as the businesses...and of course to produce many children to fill up the compound.

I truly do not know how it will turn out. Every morning my time, I wake up, it is evening at home, and right away Mom and Dad IM me, and ask me if I have made progress with her. Some days it is good news for them, others it is damn hard.

I am only 42, though I feel ancient with the life I have led. I have never even considered what my life would be like if she and I end. One of my biggest concerns is what would happen to her. Her family will never look at her again if it comes down to that, she would not be able to show her face in either San Franz OR in Tisa (Cebu) because of our huge extended family knowing every detail of everything.

Back there, if you look at your wife wrong you will have rumours within hours, crazy shit...


Hmmm...Let me deal with soemthing else.

I still need to get my TB reaction dealt with. I have to get the full chest work up, and then take a
9 month regimen of anti-virals to hopefully knock it out. The danger is in not keeping on my regimen, missing even 2 days can convert into a drug resistant strain according to my MD though I really need to look it up because that just sounds too paranoid to my thinking. 2 days and it is resistant? All I need...

Why do I procrastinate? It is always like that, in every part of my personal life. NEVER in the army, OR work but anything else...INERTIA squared.

Still on methadone, my usual 220 mgs.

My eldest brother-in-law, Ariel whom we call Tarik finally left for the West. He was supposed to be going to Northern Ireland but I advised him to do his best to try and snag a better placement. He ended up in Manchester, at least he will see some amazing football! Filipinos could not give a rat's ass about football (soccer to you Americans!). For some perverse reason, filipinos LOVE basketball.

Here is what is so bizarre though, so do Jews! Neither one of us have an iota of rythym and yet, both Peoples are absolutely rabid for the sport. Manchester United redeems England in my eyes because I loathe the country otherwise, mostly a bunch of Jew hating hypocrites as i see it.

Academic Boycott? Artistic Boycott (against israel)? Those are the 2 vehichles with which to effect change within a society so that in boycotting them you are saying you do not want the country to change, you just hate the country and want nothing to do with it regardless of what it does or does not do.

"Divestment Against Israel" is a piece of hypocrisy is ever there has been one. It makes no sense whatsoever. See, the rationale is Israel's "brutal oppression and occupation of Palestine," its "racist laws and actions" and so on. Problem #1 though is that Israel is the Nation of the Jewish People. Jews AND Arabs are BOTH Semites, how can we then be "racist"? Furthermore, Israeli-Arabs who make up a full 20% of our population not only have every right that I do, they have EXTRA rights. they alone of all Israeli demographics (we have many minority groups) have blanket exemptions from both Military AND National Service (the latter being a form of community service that takes half the time but gives the same social benefits).

Anyway, so Ariel is in London now, in Orientation for the NHS (Britain's socialised medicine system). As I said he will be heading up to Manchester to work in a General Toxicology Lab. Good, I can get him to snag me some decent lab equipment!

Dad and he had gone back to San Franz, and when it came time for him to depart. Mom joined them and they all headed up to Manila. they stayed in Makati again and Mom was so excited to see Jews hahahaah. Salcedo Village is the section in Makati where the Israeli Embassy is, as well as the country's own synagouge, which my Clan was 50% responsible in building.

My Clan, the Dwek, are spreadt out nicely around the world, in Textiles but mostly in Electronics. the branch in SE Asia though is MOSTLY into Textiles.

I will close with that exciting piece of news...



Anyway, shitty update but an update it is.

(Edited for spelling)

Today I am joining Obama in the quest to give up the tobacco habit. So wish me luck my friends.

Last night I dreamt that Julie Andrews from The Sound of Music was struggling to live in a steadily worsening modern day fascist state while trying to look on the bright side.

I’m having a hard time sleeping which is a surprise seeing as this is the first time I have been able to sleep in a bed in almost a year now. You’d think I’d crash right out. I didn’t even get to make it to the gym like I wanted to. I guess I could go now…it is open twenty-four hours and I don’t feel like I will be going to bed anytime soon but I have to be up in six hours to watch my cousin all day and wouldn’t be back till two or three in the morning and I’d be exhausted making getting up even harder then it’s already going to be.

Amanda came by the house this morning to bum a smoke off me. We chatted for a bit, apparently the owners of her boyfriends place want her out in two days. Problem is that they have nowhere to stay. She said they are going to try and take the landlords to court because they don’t have a legal reason to “evict “ them and they only gave them a week’s notice which is no time at all to find a new place and move out. I really do wish her the best of luck; I know how much it would suck for her to have to live with her parents again. Before she left I asked her if she could get me some weed since all my connections were dry as well as I’ve been trying to “stay clean off dope”, she told me she would try but it seems everyone’s been dry this past week.

About mid-day when I was feeling a little down Friendly gave me a surprise call which made me feel a little better. As I said in an earlier post he left Colorado and today when he called I believe he said he was in Chicago? Either way at the shelter he was staying at he heard the song Life is Beautiful by Sixx:A.M. and he said he had to call me because it reminded him of me and made him miss me. For the first time since he left he asked me if I was dope sick which I told him I was trying to quit again…for like the fifth time. Then he really said something that almost got me in tears…he mentioned that he wanted to come back to Colorado because he really missed me…he missed the dope too but if he could have anything he wishes we could both stay clean best friends. Sadly I know the chance of both of us being clean off junk is so slim, but it’s nice to dream right? I can’t wait till he comes back to Colorado even though he was someone I used a lot of drugs with he was such good company to have. Really one of the only friends I had honestly.

I was also up in my old hood today and decided to try and visit some of my old homies and weed dealer’s but to my surprise they all fucking moved! I was upset I lost contact with them; they were some of the most down to earth people I knew. Oh well shit happens. I am thinking about going downtown to check up on an old acquaintance who is / was a meth user, maybe have dinner with him. I could really use the company…

today was fucking nuts. the past few weeks have been a little crazy at work. heaps of people have been taking their holiday leave one after the other; leaving us understaffed; and management, super bitchy. im a fence sitter; without being a fence sitter (hope that makes sense) so people confide in me with their personal spats about other staff; and im fucking over it. i dont give a shit if you have to take so and so's clients, i dont give a shit if you have to juggle everyone around to fit in as many people as possible and spend 45 minutes pissing and moaning about it when you could have fit an appointment in during that time. and i REALLY dont care to hear whos fucking who, who has interstaff sexored in the past; and who flashed their tits at last years christmas party; save it for oprah. srsly.

thats one side of work that i just cant stand. when people get super comfortable with you and consider you one of the "family" they start behaving that way. nagging, bitching, manipulating; all the unfun shit that adds pressure to your job and wastes time. im done with this.

there is light at the end of the tunnel. i dont have to work friday, and friday night, me and three of the girls are having a "farewell, see ya in two weeks" slumber party for our dear friend, bindi. her real name is cindi, but when keying her number into my phone a while back, the predictive text spelt bindi; and it stuck. soooo, bindi's getting her hair dyed by one of the girls while we sip champagne, talk the leg off a chair, laugh at work and life; then were all getting dolled up and going out for dinner together on the waterfront. a girls night out. i love our girly nights.

speaking of, we had a girly two hours at the pub close to work last night and the funniest thing happened. me, bindi and cole were sitting at a table outside drinking, yakking and smoking when a hawt dude in a business suit walked out infront of us and got into his new land rover. i made pointing gestures to his windshield as i noticed a parking ticket wedged under his windscreen wiper and he smiled, and gave me the thumbs up. i tried mouthing "you have a parking ticket" and he kept smiling and waved. i felt terrible and was just about to get up off my seat and walk over to his car when he opened the door, walked over and asked if he could buy me a drink (both bindi and cole were in hysterics by this point).i thanked him, but apologised and said "i am so sorry, i was trying to signal to you that youve gotten a parking fine thats wedged under your wiper thingy". he went bright red, apologised; then asked for my number. i didnt get to say a word before bindi said "sorry mister, shes married" and held up my left hand. thats bindi to a tea. shes not bitchy in nature at all; she says shit exactly how it is, and is so friendly, that even when being brass, you cant help but love her. the guy laughed and offered us a round of drinks that we refused, but asked him to stay anyways and have a drink with us and save his money for the fine. he turned out to be an ok guy, and great company (even though the poor bugger had to listen to our stories re: workplace safety training, injury management and doing it all in our underwear to observe correct posture). he was a good sport.

speaking of underwear, i snatched up the little miss on sunday and took her shopping for a mother/daughter day out as i needed new underwear for work and wanted some one on one time together having fun. the mr was hesitant about us going out with the amex together, and we proved him right in worrying. cotton on kids was having a 50% off sale and i went fucking nuts buying her all new winter clothes that are SO adorable. i bought her four new pairs of shoes, two new pairs of jeans, three hoodies, two knitted cardigans, a 2 pack of pyjamas, 4 long sleeved casual shirts and a new fairy "dress ups" outfit. little miss is a total fashionista and LOVES to shop, and i love shopping with her. we left there and went to bendon where i bought four water bras (which is hilarious, as ive never owned a water bra and now know why, my tits have never bounced so much since! they pull everything in and lift upwards so that when you walk, your breasts bounce against every step you take. its so fucking awkward, yet funny at the same time considering how flat chested i am, and am suddenly graced with moving boobies.) and six pairs of panties. to keep the mr at bay, i bought two matching lingerie sets for sexy time which have proved themselves as extremely favourable at our house and well worth every cent. weve been at it like rabbits the past few days. i love our sexlife, were so compatible; even after the length of time weve been together; we still manage to drive each other crazy and into exhaustion. i love it.

on that note and after multiple topic jumps, i bid you goodnight bluelight. take care guise. xoxox

My flatmate Declan is a very good looking Irish guy who works as a builder. Hes been around the world and has come to stay with me for about 5 months before he goes home for christmas and then off parts unknown.

Its been a blessing having him here as he is great company and is a real cheeky bastard ! I was not wanting to share my house with a stranger but as it turns out its been fun. :D

So he was looking at pictures on my lap top and saw some I would rather him NOT see, some I posted in the nude thread. It was a bit embarrassing, but I suppose hes seen many naked women.

In exchange, he went to his room and bluetoothed me a photo of him naked. My God, what a body he has. He then invited me in to see more. I saw more alright, touched it too. I have not felt more like a woman in a very long time. Its a good feeling to be wanted sexually as well as just to hang around with.

He works hard, he does not seem to need anything done for him, he is totally self sufficient. I am not used to this.

My husband and a couple of boyfriends seemed to not be able to look after themselves without me. Its a pretty shitty feeling but whats worse is I thought all men were like that. I dont want someone who NEEDS me.

Declan is not my boyfriend, I dont want one right now, but he is more than a friend. I dont know, I thought I wanted to get married again with my recent ex but ever since we split I have seen relationships differently and my attitude of "happily ever after" seems delusional. I read his little love notes he wrote claiming we belong together. But he is not here.

I have to find a happy place on my own before even thinking of commitment again.

Life is good. My outlook on my future is brighter than it once was.

This is the toughest thing I have ever done. I have two boys, 14 and16 who I have raised by myself for the last 6 years. Their mom lives three blocks away but they must hate her, they refuse to go there as our shared parenting plan states. I still am paying her $48.00 a week which I am trying to change. The kicker? Last month I found out she is getting $600.00 a month in foodstamps and she must be selling them for weed. I wanted to cry for my kids sake. I did trick her and asked if I could get them some dinner with the card. I took the boys shopping and spent $200.00 on food for them. She had the nerve to raise hell with me about it. I hate her for what she has done to our kids. She has always played the "victim" shed fake tears to gain sympathy and I think she still uses it on the kids to make them feel guilty. I put my love life on hold so I can raise them & give them my love and attention. Sometimes I wonder how she can be so cruel and such a bad mother. I try to forgive everybody as nobodies perfect, but I really do hate here guts for the pain I have seen her cause my sons. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. Soon I will be having empty nest syndrome, they grow up so fast!

The original parody is here

The Devil came back to Jerzy
With vengeance in his heart
He realized his opponent's words
Were just about to start
"I here to come reclaim what's mine"
"Defeat from your own hands?"
"Try again, you arrogant punk
This here is MY own land!!
You may be living all well and good
But the people are possessed
By heroin and expensive homes
they'll BOW at my behest!"
"Just because they have these things doesn't make your words true..."
"That just shows how naive you are 'cause NO ONE listens to you!"

The Devil gave our friend a look that paralyzed his mind
"What sorcery is this, you fiend?"
"It's all the doubt you'll find"
The arguments alll fell from his body mind and soul
This, in the end, was the Devil's true goal

I'll spread my death across the land
The HIV infested needle's hand
Or maybe cocaine tainted gold
The gangland's scar in richer holds
Gutter trash or affluent
Everyone's a little hellbent
You're out of practice, little jackass
For any hit in my new bash
This world isn't all about you
It's everyone else who's fucking screwed
Beaten down by their life's works
Either drug use rampant or nouveau jerks
That spend and spend on looking good
But feel like they always should
Whether thievery or just plain rude
Their oily blood is always crude
I'll refine it into their personal hell
Locked in their dissatisfaction shell!

Our friend gave that demon a glare that could break glaciers into two
"Ok, if you wanna play that way, I'll give your ass round two!"

You can't beat me by killing everyone else
You'll be a shadow of your former self
I'll still be here to point and laugh
At how your plan is simply quite that daft

Drugs'll never beat me and
the wealth doesn't complete me-
you're the only one who loses
when you feed into the truth.
The world may be hell but
it may just be as well as long
I can carry on my youth
I'm the one who'll never die
because I don't live in a lie
I live a life of happiness and I don't even try
Just go the fuck away
I don't have more to say
And you going back to hell
would make my fucking day!!!!

The devil looked him in the eye..."This could take all night!
Well that's ok, I'm willing to stay-I'm LOOKIN' for a fight!
Buddy spat to his right on the ground, "Well you can think again,
I whupped you once, you son of a bitch, and I'll beat your ass again!!!!

well here I sit. dreaming and thinking about shooting heroin. again. the last time I shot up the real deal was aug 24 2008 at around 2pm.

I have actually shot up some morphine in the last several months. (sigh) I am basically free of it physically but the mental and emotional scars are forever I think. I actually have dreams of shooting up again. I miss that rush of sweetness flowing into my veins. (sigh) anyone else have this problem?

oh well I guess thats all for now.

well I tried dissolving an ambien and shooting it. didn't work. bummer - I so badly wanta get high today simply out of sheer boredom. (sigh) oh well back to mindless internet surfing.

Tonight is just one of those night's where I wish I had some dope...or any drug for that matter. I guess my alcohol will have to do for now, I just miss my romance with the needle. I'm back on my medication...two days sober and clean off dope, hopefully I can stay clean? I get paid close to $200 in one week so having all that money it's going to be tempting to buy some heroin...even speed or coke...as long as I can inject the shit.

Ugh, I just feel so down tonight. I just want tomorrow to be here.

I've made almost no money all week. Tuesday I made $27, Wednesday $94, and Thursday $62 (after working 9 hour shifts). Weekday shifts last week was work, one night $0, one $2, one $10. I have worked my ass off every night, talking to every single guy that walks through the door, getting rejected over and over again... and every night I dance on average about 10-12 times on stage and ONCE I got tipped $2.

All the managers and DJs know I haven't made shit because they all look at how many dances you've done every night. But I have not stiffed them in tips, I've still overtipped the ones I normally do and tipped a little over the average for everyone else. I went to work tonight hoping/praying I was going to make $ because Fridays and Saturdays are the days I can expect it to be busy. I get to work and get some HORRIBLE fucking dances off this guy who comes in every couple weeks, he got angry at me for not being completely naked immidietly and then wouldn't even let ME dance, just grabbed me and was like throwing me around and bouncing me on his crotch I felt like a doll... then I go and start working the room. Nobody wants to buy dances (of course) but everyone is buying me drinks so I sat for a while with a few guys. Surprisingly I go on stage and one of the guys I'd been talking to walks by and throws a wad of ones at me. The second time he throws another and a second guy does as well. Then two of my regulars came in so I got good $ from them onstage and more from the second guy. This NEVER happens. Most of the time I go on stage and no one is even looking at me let alone tipping. Guys do not give a fuck about stage dancing anymore, $10 is GOOD for a stage dance. So it always feels like a fucking waste of my time, and half the time I get called up when I'm talking to a customer and so lose potential $...

The first guy who tipped me didn't tip anyone else on stage )) but the other guy was tipping most girls good $. He didn't want to buy dances he just wanted to stage tip, but he was buying drinks so the club was making $. However the bouncers and the DJs were getting pissed because they only make their tips if girls get dances, everything we make on stage is hours. I was hanging out with the guys friends who was tipping and talking to him when he went back and forth from the stage (we're not allowed to talk to the guys if they're at the stage). He kept telling me he wanted to hear this particular song played and he was going to tip the girl who danced to it a ton of $ but the DJ wouldn't play it. I went over to the DJ and asked him to play it for my set (we always request our music) and he told me no, he would only play it if I got the guy to do a lap dance. I asked him if he would make it a long song and he said no. At this point there were four more girls ahead of me and the guy hung out at the stage the rest of the night so I couldn't try and sell him the dance.

I'm waiting to go on stage because of course my regulars and the first guy who tipped me dont want to buy dances they just want to tip me on stage (this was very fucking weird, has never happened to me before). They probably asked me about 6 times when I was going on. I keep getting up and walking over to look at the rotation, but the DJ was skipping me repeatly and giving me pissed off looks because I wasn't getting dances.

I did not go up for the rest of the night. My regulars were getting annoyed because it was almost four and they had been waiting at least an hour for me to go onstage. They told my friend/other stripper who they also come to see they wanted to tip me $30 so could she tell the DJ to put me onstage soon. The DJ told her no, the stage was closed for the night (I literally went up SEVEN times to see if I could dance and had been waiting over an hour!). While she's asking the DJ this drunk guy comes in, grabs me and pulls me over to the bar with him and has his arms wrapped around me and keeps telling me "you're perfect you're beautiful you're the best girl here." I ask him if he wants a dance and he says yes but he wants to buy me a drink first. While I'm waiting for the drink another girl comes up and while his arms are WRAPPED AROUND ME asks him to dance with her. He shakes his head and says no and she keeps asking him, he tells her "no no no! I don't want to dance with you she is much more beautiful (pointing to me)." I'm giving her the fucking evil eye because this is SO fucked up (you do not talk to guys when they are with another girl, ever) and she looks at me, annoyed and grabs the guys face and shoves it in her boobs, still trying to get him to dance with her. He tells her "stop it! you are not a pretty girl I don't want dance." She glares at him and storms off, I wanted to fucking kick that bitch in the face...

Five minutes goes by and I can tell this guy is too drunk and broke and wasting my time, so I tell him I need to go to the DJ booth unless he wants to buy a dance. He tells me no, don't go, I told him I have to go and try to walk away and he grabs me and won't let me go. I told him "I am going to be fired if I don't go over there" and he pushes me against the bar. I try to shove my way out and he is still grabbing me and then lets me go. I am wearing 7 inch heels and fall over. I look at the bouncer because its his fucking JOB to be protecting me and he saw the whole thing and just gives me a "I don't give a fuck look."

My friend tells me to talk to the DJ because he won't put me up and the guys want to tip me the $30. I walk over to the DJ booth and before I can even open my mouth he starts yelling at me to go ask the bouncer if I can go up because the stage is closed (another girl was dancing still) and I can't go up. I'm confused as to why I'm supposed to ask a bouncer and not the manager, and he yelled and cursed at me. I go find the bouncer and he tells me no I can't go up. I'm fucking pissed because I have been waiting this whole fucking time to go up and the DJ has known it... I told the bouncer they really wanted to see me dance and were going to tip, can I please go up. He says no. So I told him they were going to tip me $30 and I'll give him $5 from it. He says Ok you can go up. I go up and dance half the set and my regulars are tipping. Some other random guy comes up and has a thick fucking stack of ones in his hand and is laying $ on the stage. I go over and give him some attention for a while, then move back to my regulars. As I move over I hear him say, pissed off "ugh, paying attention to her fucking friends." I'm thinking fuck he has a shit ton of ones and I'm the only girl on stage, maybe I can make that money. So I sort of ignored my regulars and was paying him attention... asshole tips me maybe $4 out of at least $100 of ones and leaves the stage before my song is done. My regulars looked kind of pissed and so I walk offstage fucking pissed off.

I am so angry. Me and a couple other girls work the same amount of days a week, averaging 5-6 while most girls work TWO and are gone for weeks at a time so waaay more than anyone else. I am always on time, never ask to go home early no matter how dead it is. I work 50-60 hours at this club I have fucking given them my LIFE for the past month and a week or so and they know it and know that I do make the most $ of any girls in that club... I could be making waay more $ at a different place but I have stayed there because of loyalty and the fact that they have always treated me with respect. But I am so fucking pissed I don't even want to go back there right now. They fucked me out of so much $ tonight and made me feel guilty because they aren't making their tips. They did not have my back when I was almost being assaulted by that drunk guy, nor did they have my back when the guy ran out without paying me $400 two weeks ago. I feel fucking betrayed and disrespected and I would have quit right then but the manager wouldn't take my tip and was sweet when I paid out my fees and so I just tipped their stupid fucking ungrateful undeserving asses and drove home. And honestly, I went home with $137, I made $190, this was a SHIT night and how fucking dare they make me feel guilty when there was a girl who got FORTY DANCES and TIPPED THEM EACH 150$! they made more in ONE GIRLS TIPS (and they make an hourly wage) than I did IN THE ENTIRE NIGHT!

I wrote this for my school paper when I worked there. They actually ran it and I received much praise, including some from professors:

For 70 years the government has waged a war against drugs.

After 70 years and nearly a trillion dollars spent, this war has accomplished nothing other than imprisoning innocent people based on the personal choices they make regarding what to put into their own bodies.

The drug war has not stopped people from wanting drugs or getting drugs. Yet, when faced with the undeniable failure of the drug war, supporters say we need to throw more money at the problem. Haven't we spent enough money? Haven't we destroyed enough innocent lives? How much longer does this have to go on before we recognize the failure and try a new approach?

The war on drugs has never worked and never will work. Human nature leads people to seek pleasure and novelty, and laws of economics dictate that when a demand exists, a market will rise up to supply that demand. An attempt at prohibition ignores those two fundamental principles. It should come as no surprise that drug prohibition has failed. History provides a clear case of the devastating effects of prohibition: the alcohol prohibition of the 1920s. The alcohol prohibition wasted taxpayers' money, ruined innocent lives and created a black market that put people at risk of injury or death from impure or poorly made products. The prohibition was actually responsible for the rise of organized crime. After many years, the mistake was realized and prohibition was repealed. Why have we not learned from this history lesson?

Some people fear that legalization will be viewed as condoning drug use. This is not the case. One can support legalization while still condemning drug use. Supporting legalization simply means recognizing that the war on drugs is costing us more money than the drug problem itself. Does that make any sense?

Suppose a problem in society is costing us one billion dollars per year, and I have a solution that would cost two billion dollars per year -- would anyone support my solution? I think not. What if I then said my solution could work if we just spent even more money? Most people would consider me insane and would disregard anything else I had to say. Yet, when politicians take that very stance with the drug war, they receive praise and awards.

Most people agree that violence resulting from drug gangs and drug dealers is a problem. I, as much as anyone, would like to eradicate that problem, and there is a simple solution: legalization. If drugs were legalized, dealers would be out of business immediately. This is an undeniable fact. Marijuana is a plant that grows naturally. We could, if we wanted to, grow as much as we wanted; thus, it has little intrinsic value. Its value is a creation of the drug war!

The drug war artificially drives up the price, enabling people to become wealthy by running criminal empires based on selling drugs. So, in actuality, the drug war has created the very problem it claims to be fighting! We don't see people making black market beer, candy bars, or hamburgers, because the notion of trying to compete with legitimate makers of those products is absurd. And, as ( _________), president of the College Libertarians pointed out, legitimate companies resolve conflict by lowering prices and improving the product, not by staging shootouts and gang warfare.

For most drugs and perhaps all, the number of deaths resulting directly from their use pales in comparison to almost any other cause of death, such as accidental drowning, car accidents, legal prescriptions drugs, or accidental choking. More important, most drug-related deaths are the result of impure products or accidental overdose.

Both problems are virtually eliminated with legalization.

A common reason people give for drugs being illegal is that they are "dangerous." In fact, it is the other way around: The drugs are dangerous because they are illegal; so again, the drug war is actually the cause of the problem it claims to be fighting.

The United States arrests more people each year for marijuana offenses than murder, rape, robbery, and assault combined! How does that make our streets safer? Violent criminals roam the streets while non-violent drug offenders take their place in our prisons. Once again, the drug war succeeds in making us less safe.

Many of you might be concerned that legalization would cause increased drug use. Not only is there NO evidence to support this claim, but there exists considerable evidence to the contrary. Many reasons people give for trying drugs relate directly to their being illegal.

Additionally, very few people mention legality as a reason for not using drugs. Most people who avoid drugs have simply made a personal choice not to use. There are ways to get high using legal substances that can be easily obtained, yet these substances are substantially less popular than any of the illegal drugs.

There is no consistency in the classification of legal and illegal drugs. Tobacco, caffeine, and alcohol all contribute to various health problems. There is little evidence to suggest that occasional use of Marijuana, ecstasy, or LSD would cause serious health problems. In fact, for decades, the government has ignored scientific medical research that contradicts the supposed dangers of these substances.

But, even if these substances were very unhealthy, why should they be illegal? If I want to cut off my finger, I can legally do so; If I wish to starve myself, no one can legally force me to eat. I am legally entitled to eat junk food and not exercise, even though that lifestyle has been shown to lead to diabetes and other serious health problems. I am legally entitled to drive my car, even though driving has caused about 1,000 times as many deaths as marijuana, ecstasy, and hallucinogens combined.

In fact, if I am sick and can be saved by medicine, I am legally allowed to refuse the medicine, even if I die as a result. It is not the government's role to force people to be healthy. Matters of health are personal choices that should be left to individuals. A free society should not infringe upon ownership of one's own body.

The war on drugs is unfair, unjust, and misguided. It costs far more money than the drug problem itself, and it ruins innocent lives. It is not working, and it cannot work. It makes our streets less safe and allows criminal enterprises to make millions, taking tax dollars away from our government.

I am not saying that legalization will solve all our problems. But, at the end of the day, we have to ask ourselves, "Is the war on drugs doing more harm than good?" When considering all the relevant factors, I think the answer is a resounding yes.

We all (about 50 of us) went to the beach at 6 for the fireworks.

Me and Lauren and Cassandra and Amy went swimming immediately after smoking a cigarette, drinking a coke, and eating a chocolate chip cookie.

The girls looked amazing!

As soon as we waded out in the ocean, it became apparent that a dj was spinning some new disco beats out on the pier, and we could hear it well from where we were.

We commenced to have a dance party in the ocean. I could have danced all night.

At dark, they shot the fireworks off while we were floating in the beautiful ocean. All in all, it was an amazing night at the beach!

No. 1 He's a womanizer, but he's an expert at throwing knives.

No. 2 We''ll just have to wait.

Below is a response to an email I sent to my girl after she decided that my 'relapse' was too much for her to handle.

Her responses are in blue

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Give Sammy a hug for me. (I will)

Don't think for a minute that I don't love you and I miss you. (I know and I do too.)

Yes, I'm selfish. Yes, shaman has a bum rap because of me. (Agreed, but all in all you're a good doggie daddy.)

Your the ONLY person that I even thought of marrying. (That warms my heart and just so you know, I would have....) That's big. Did I fuck up? 100 percent. I can't do this myself so ill be getting help. Will it work? Don't know....(I hope so)

I would have liked to see you but you confuse me. I thought you were done with me. (I am, i have to be) I can't figure out what you want (in my life or out?) (I just keep thinking I want to see him one more time). We can never be friends. (I know) The thought of you looking at someone else with love in your eyes kills me

Thanks for trying to help but its all up to me. (I realize that now)

Remember that you left this time. (I had to, didn't want to and your decision made me) My problem was fixable. (no guarantee on that one, you know that)

I always wanted to be someones 'ideal'. I don't think I would have ever been your ideal but I was happy with you and still completely in love with you ( I was so happy with you too and you could of been my ideal...we had a few obstacles to go thru yet..and i think they would of been fine. If I could take my jeffrey minus the addictive personality, then yes I would have my ideal)

Be happy (you too sweetie...and healthy)
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Her and I had something special. I just don't understand. She said she would have married me if I asked. Marriage to me is a BIG DEAL. I'm 38 and never met someone that inspired me to consider such a huge commitment. She was the one I have been searching for and she was the answer to my quest for happiness. How can she be willing to marry and then turn away from me so easily?

I then sent the following. Do I make valid points? I sent this on 06-14-09. She wrote back saying she would respond. She said she wrote three drafts but I haven't heard from her since.

Input would be greatly appreciated.
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I don't even wipe tears from my face. They feel nice. I guess because it rarely happens, I want to experience them.

Michelle, we belong together. No one is perfect. If I could take it back I would but I can't.

When I get better, would you consider (in time) having the real me in your life?

Everyone has personality flaws. Mine is "an addictive personality". That's treatable but EVERYONE has something that hides in the back of their lives. My problem is EASY compared to many.

I miss my Michelle. I miss the kids. I miss Samster. I miss that look in your eyes and that feeling I get hugging you. Why does it have to be like this?

Is our 'team' that bad?

I just miss you
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Thanks everyone

Sitting here, I'm thinking that I need to start from the beginning. That would mean going way, way back. Honestly, my reality tells me here and now is my beginning. I must of had a life before drugs, but I don't remember. My life on drugs, I don't want to remember. How do I live this new life I have yet to know. I feel like I am in a holding pattern. Not going forward and not going back.