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this very well may be my last blog/journal thing for a while.

i feel like such a fucking asshole. yea my mom's bat shit crazy but it's not her fault. she gets pissed off and yells some pretty fantastic shit straight into my face but it's understandable. bills bills bills money money money. her boyfriend left and she's having trouble financially and me being here isnt helping her at all. i only work 3 hours a day on account of daycare costs. i know i get malaura what she needs but i soak up funds. when her boyfriend was here she told me to work at the greenhouse to help the g-ma and not to worry about a full-time job, so i didnt. and dumbass me didnt think about it when her boyfriend left.

i dont really like the fact of my mom scaring the shit out of me the way she use to when i was small. phones being slammed in my face and whatnot. but dammit i can understand her viewpoint. i can see how stressed she must be and how much of a burden i am right now. i know her personality and how success is so important to her. that not being able to keep the internet and cable would be damaging to her self esteem. small things like that are what builds up and makes a person scream. i hate knowing i contribute to that.

someone talked to me today and made me think about things. i get so frustrated that she doesnt act a certain way that i forget about how im acting. and that usually means im acting like a child. then we're right back to where we were ten years ago. that's something i have to let go. i cant keep letting bullshit from the past affect me so much. i catch myself in so much self pity sometimes it's pathetic. not outwardly, god no, im sure once i verbalized what i was thinking to someone else id ask them to punch me.

ill miss the internet
it's getting cut off tomorrow im pretty sure. that's what she said at least. but hopefully when i help her get caught up with everything it'll get turned back on.

what ill miss the most though, after it does get cut off, is someone who has changed me drastically for the better in such a short time without even knowing it.

you only call me when you're lonely
is when I hear from you
you never are around when you owe me
that's all I get from you

never touch me less I'm cryin
less I'm cryin for you
never know if you are lyin
but I'm hopin for the truth

and while we got some time to kill
let's stop for a smoke or two
and have a laugh at the things we do

btw the skies today are bluer than your eyes
you say it's sun but it feels like rain to me
standin waitin to realize
sometime bad is good enough for me

never once said that you loved me
less I did something for you
then you said it's caused you never asked me
that it's cause you thought I knew

wanted me to stop the bleeding
but I couldn't stop the love
still I couldn't leave you lying
in the rain and the mud

btw btw everything's gonna be ok
and all the stars are gonna fade away
but they'll shine again someday
btw btw

[COLOR="Blue"][/COLOR]If you recognize that all of your inner hurts are caused by your own "wrong actions" or your own "wrong reactions" or your own "wrong inaction" then you will stop hurting yourself.

work this week has been full on, but good. thank god its over. i was rapt to have recieved my roster for the following week today; to realise that i have next friday off too. that will be three long weekends in a row. long weekends makes for a super happy kytn. :D jugs and hooters here i come!

tomorrow night im going out with two girls from work to get messy at a bar in surfers. we have done this twice before with magical results and i look forward to doing it again. the two girls and i are very similar in personality and have an awesome time when we go out; we feed off each others madness and spend the night in fits of laughter. i cant wait; its been just what the doctor ordered.

i dont know how to express this or where to begin but two guys at work have been wierding me out. one is a seedy old fuck who persists on saying wierd shit to me throughout the day that unnerves the hell out of me and the other is a dude three years my senior who flirts with me to keep his work time interesting. both situations are sticky as fuck and im trying to avoid them like the plague.

for example; with the older dude; im associates with his wife also; and he persists on telling me sexy jokes and making sexy comments. it got so bad two days ago while i was doing some filing; that when he slapped my ass i jumped and said "ken you seedy pirate; fuck off; im telling your wife". that seems to have gotten him to back off a little; but he keeps coming into my office to see where i am and will say "ive been looking out for you; and was wondering where you were" ill casually reply "youve found me"; but the whole thing is creeping me out.

the other dude keeps trying to make personal jokes with me and strange comments about my personal appearance. for example; during my tea break i sat at the outdoor staff table killing a coffee and cigarette and he came out, sat down and opened the paper; reading aloud an article about cocaine usage being on the rise and said "cocaine was once considered a drug that was solely used by the beautiful people of society" and turned to me and said "kytn, youre beautiful; do you love cocaine?" and was staring at me all wierd. this hasnt been a one off thing, and hes now asking more about my personal life each day and taking his break times at the same time as mine. this afternoon as i clocking out he was showing two interns some pics on his phone of his cock (for fuck knows what reason) and as i walked by he said "id show kytn, but i have more respect for her than that; too we havent had the chance to get that intimate; yet". i laughed and said "i heard its a small photo anyway" and kept walking.

this shit is wierd. i dont like it. im very professional at work; and even though i enjoy the social aspects of my job; i like to keep it professionally social; not "friends" social with 99% of people; males especially out of respect for the mr and myself.

do. not. want.

I just got a phone call from my mom saying that my uncle is basically dying. He has ALS and hasn't been doing too well apparently. He has pneumonia now and he requested that he not be put on ventilators.

My mom said that it would take a miracle for him to survive and was already asking if I could be there for the funeral.

And now I have to go to work. FUCK!

I have been using pretty hard since my girl left. Shooting coke, poppin E, chewing percs, drinkin' and smokin' weed.

This weekend I'll only be drinking. This poses a problem. I haven't been dealing with the loss of the woman I love so I expect all the emotions and feelings of loss will be hitting me at once.

I don't know if I'll be able to handle the onslaught of emotions that will most likely hit me hardcore.

Oh well... just gotta prepare myself the best I can.

She has been reading my blogs but I no longer care. I need to post to help deal with things. I need to post honestly as well so that I can get honest advice/opinions from others just like me.

The true beloveds of this world are in their lover's eyes lilacs opening, ship lights, school bells, a landscape, remembered conversations, friends, a child's Sunday, lost voices, one's favorite suit, autumn and all seasons, memory, yes, it being the earth and water of existence, memory.

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- Truman Capote, 'Other Voices, Other Rooms'

Tuesday afternoon at work was accompanied by the second disc of the latest Eskimo Joe album, a collection of live recordings, when iTunes ticked over to 'From The Sea' - Live at Enmore Theatre.

For a few seconds I tried to place the opening guitar chords, those distinctive riffs over the sound of a live audience. There was a place where I'd heard this once, and it seemed important to know where and what that was.

Like old blinds being drawn in a deserted house on a sunny afteroon, the revelation of that memory brings flooding light over old furniture in a room that was long ago deserted.

The date is January 30th, 2005. I'm in the lower tiers of the grandstand at the Royal Melbourne Showgrounds, in front of me is the main stage decked out under blue and orange canopies. It's almost 1pm and a crowd of thousands are gathered standing.

I remember this moment because of a photo, probably one of the least interesting and meaningful photos in my huge collection from those days, but I know from the memory of it that this is the moment that Eskimo Joe are about to begin playing - what was then - their biggest single.

A warm and knowing smile breaks across my face as the song begins. From near the front I can see a beach ball being punched around and hands going into the air after it. I'm smiling like a fool because my first Big Day Out has just started... and also because I'm madly in love with the girl sitting next to me... she is probably laughing because I'm taking a photo of nothing.

Hello hello oh hello
The world repeats itself some how
She knows she knows oh she knows

The weather that day was perfect, as was the Red Russian I consumed which led to the rest of the day being not so well remembered. I know at one point I was making grass-angels on the lawn of that same main stage during Powderfinger, caught the first part of the Beastie Boys and a spine-tingling set by the Chemical Brothers to finish.

I don't understand why I should so strongly associate with that one moment at the start, captured in a photo, that would otherwise be meaningless. As if I were to know, even before 1pm, that it would be one of the best days of my life.

Back in 2009, I turn to stare out the window, tears welling up in my eyes. It takes almost thirty minutes before I can compose myself enough to start working again, the time index on the song stopped at 2.15... I tell iTunes to skip ahead.

please find someone else to pine over.
it's nauseating, irritating, pathetic.
i don't know you. i don't need your 'help.'
the snide little comments just make me laugh mate.
please get some real friends.

It kinda bothered me for a while that I thought people would think I would somehow fuck him over as he is so well liked and respected. But then it didnt as it did not matter what other peoples perceptions were.

My perception was I was secure with someone who was respectful of women, wonderful in nature and also very trustworthy.

I was let down by my own take on a false reality. No one is who they seem.

We are talking a bit, not much as I think its too raw. But this is the ultimate nail in the coffin for trust in any friendship formed here. I just cant see how anyone can be who they say they are anymore.

I think its time to go and be where I was before this existed. I dont like the influence its had or losing people who never existed.

I’ve been in love with so many women
Tall, small, long, smooth, sexy, sleek, and fine
But only one girl is my kind
Fucking in bedroom after three glasses of wine

everything was great. i recieved a phone call late friday afternoon from my sister asking that i call my dad saturday morning as the hospital called regarding some tests he had had on friday morning; and asked that he come back immediately. this isnt uncommon for my father as he has struggled with heart disease for the past 15 years and has had more operations than i have had hot dinners. my sister asked that i not worry and said that if she found anything out sooner; she would let me know.

i went out with my girlfriends on friday night and had a blast. we girlied up, drank, danced and just had a knockout time; at 11:30pm i got the mr to pick me up as i was beat from the weeks work; and anxious to be with my family.

first thing saturday morning i called my dad and wasnt expecting to hear what i did. hes been diagnosed with an aggressive form of prostate cancer. im fucking shattered. his twin brother passed of the same condition just last year; and was dead within four months of diagnosis. this is all too close to home and surreal. he is being operated on in two weeks to further investigate and remove what they can; but are concerned that its spread to his bowels.

im in shock. i dont know what to say or even how to express it. i will be flying home to be there for his op and recovery period and to just be there with him. i really hope my boss is understanding of the situation and is willing to give me a week or two off. im finding it hard to write this without crying, so im going to leave it at that, i just had to say it outloud somewhere as im trying to hide my feelings from my family and remain optimistic for them and my fathers sake.

god i hope he'll be ok. i love that crazy old wog.

I kinda dread weekends as I know Ill probably brood a lot on the usual shit, keep quiet, avoid social stuff and knock myself out.

And,, thats exactly what did happen. Again.

Declan was a bit drunk when I got home from work, I proceeded to get drunk too. I was planning on meeting some girls out at the pub but the were not there yet either so I wasnt in a rush.

Declan is a martial arts fanatic and happily held me down in various painful grips- kinda fun but a bit rough really.

Then we compared previous sexual exploits- his all topping mine. Including a chick who took him to a farm and blew a horse in front of him.

Anyway, I cant recall this as I was drunk- I passed on going out as I had too much to drink- we had a sort of tiff about casual sex and what it really meant. He explained hes just gotten rid of the last of his 3 girls and has had heaps of it and sees it as something to do with anyone when horny.

I don't. I told him even though he is really cute, if I thought he was a loser or a total cunt then I wouldn't be interested in sex. *SHUDDER*. I said I was ok with us having this weird close friendship that snaps into rampant fucking as hes genuinely a great guy and isnt pretending to want anything else which I appreciate. He said "Oh no, shes getting all emoTiOnAl!!" and I shut up at this point as we were both drunk.

As I was being quieter than usual, he became more attentive and probably was aware he was a bit crass, so calmed down a bit. We said "G'nite lovey" to each other and the next time I saw him was this afternoon.

I couldn't sleep on Friday so I took a couple seroquels. Im saving my valium for a rainy day. That took out all Saturday when I was meant to be op shopping and sat night when I was meant to go see the girls.

Declan and I spent a relaxed evening watching dvd's, throwing things at each other and comparing burps.

Im not that anxious if we never sleep together again, I know its going to be hard to resist him but maybe Im better off just not going there. Not initiating it anyway. And he likes to put the feelers out enough to get ME to suggest it, but not actually make the first move himself. Like, he sent me another bluetooth pic of him naked in bed- which I did not respond to. Im not going to come running every time he wants to get lucky ha ha.

Besides, theres plenty more fish in the sea!

I have a date with a very cute Army guy who is Phillipino and has a shaved head soon. And Alasdair will be back from out bush in a couple weeks. AND D from Melbourne has moved to Surfer's Paradise and has opened his own restaurant. Ill be visiting him when I can. AND.... ah bugger it. Time for bed!

sos im reading through my old journal on here and have come to realize just how therapeutic the whole process is.
i mean, it embarrasses me to even read because of how ignorant i was about things. my different points of view until now. it's humbling because it makes you think of how stupid you were and still could be but builds you up for what you know now.

so many things have changed.

Witness to murder for stress's relief
Deep anger due to a false belief
Rage from your friend stomped like a fly
Taunted by those who love you - but why?
Something snaps in you, a short circuit deluxe
The fulcrum emotion set off is the crux
Your core beliefs toyed with again
Bravery's not about firepower, it's within
Every self value that you hold true
Whether family or just the power of you
This bubbling fury overflowing through
Your vessels and then striking true
Hitting your brain, your hairs stand on end
Your foe's life and values you'll viciously rend

I wonder what yukodal or jukodal is.I know only it was given to cc prisoners by such Nazi doctors as Mengele was. In the mix with meth.Is that true?Who has the slightest idea???????????

Aromatherapy has always interested me……
I love it and use it regularly.

Aromatherapy means “to treat by scents”.

“Aromatherapy is the use of essential oils to aid in the balancing of the body, mind, and spirit.”
source

Essential Oils can be used in massage, baths, inhalation and ingested (though ingesting an essential oil is considered herbal medicine and not aromatherapy).

Aromatherapy has been around for thousands of years-
Many credit the Egyptians for the discovery of aromatherapy-
Nearly 6000 years ago they used it for healing emotions, embalming, cosmetics and medicinal purposes.
Most well known was the Egyptians use of essential oils in embalming-
It is said that myrrh, cloves and nutmeg were part of this process.
They are also credited with the invention of the distillation machine.
There is evidence of aromatherapy being used in Ancient Greece, India, China, and Rome.
Texts found in Babylon (1700 BC) suggests the use of Myrrh and Cedar in many medicinal recipes.

There are stories from all around the world of the use of essential oils in healing the body, mind and spirit.
My favorite story is that of the Four Thieves .
During the Bubonic Plague there were four men, all worked at a perfumery-
They were bold in their robbing of people sick from the plague.
They would enter the homes, take what they wanted, and never got sick.
Eventually they were caught and told if they told their secret of how they never fell ill they would be released.
They told that they had made long cones (think a large beak) that they filled with certain herbs and essential oils that they wore into the homes. The inhalation of these oils kept them well.
They were then hung after sharing their recipe.
Now there have been scientific studies of these herbs and many many more that prove that they have antiseptic, antibacterial properties.
You can use a combination of these oils or singularly to make cleaning products.
Essential Oils can be found in Organic Cleaning Products sold in stores.
You can even sometimes find “the Four Thieves Blend” sold in stores.(though if you compare, they are different from each other)

I use oils in making lotions, soaps, cleaning products, body sprays, massage oils (some oils are great for soothing sore muscles) , facial steams and blends for the oil burner or diffuser to scent the room..
There are so many options ……
There are single oils and blends to clear allergies, relieve stress, get you energized, clear your mind, and open your heart…….

I hope we will continue to learn from aromatherapy’s history and continue to include it in our lives as a healing tool in the future.

Perhaps this college craze…
Isn’t so much my thing
Never before
Has life outside these walls
Been more appealing

this morning i woke, coffeed, bluelighted and smoked like a chimney before everyone at camp kytn got out of bed. i love that hour of "me" time. i dont think a whole lot during it; but thats what i love.

my daughter and i went to the mall this morning for her to buy the mr his birthday gift (its his bday next tuesday). she chose two really cool shirts that hes not expecting.

were both excited that he'll have a surprise to wake to; as he already knows of the flatscreen monitor i bought for his office; and new prescription sunnies (as he chose the frames and tint) he'll now have to brave all of the travelling he's gotta do only armed with his standard specs.

i then got my nails done, bought the little miss a new book and shirt; and stopped in at supre (which is wierd as i generally dont think much of that store) to buy myself a new shirt to wear out tonight with the girls. its a long off the shoulder fitted black number; i hope it works as well as it looked in my head. ha.

anyways guise, im off to do some housework and cook the mr and little miss an epic meal for them to sit down to tonight; and pull out my book that im killing to finish.

take care and safe travels to everyone this weekend.

why you say? welcome to the tl;dr paragraph of my blog, skip to the quotes halfway through for instant gratification you cumdumpster. so about 4 days ago i spilled an ashtray half a can of miller lite on my keyboard and kinda broke it in the way that it would not type anything and just make my computer beep obscenely loud if i tried pressing my keys. all in wall i raged 9/10 for this awsome experience to be bestowed on saveyour (i talk about myself in the third person all the time). so i disconnected it and put it on top of my Hitachi CRT to dry out, for the rest of the day i typed using charmap.exe at ridiculously frustrating warp factor fuck you, quite distinctly mentally-handicapped like mavis beacon teaches typing kindergarden-level-1 like-speeds. anyway back to the ITT: saveyour explains how he makes his l33t location text.

anyway load up charmap.exe & notepad.exe you should be a (start>run>filename.exe) anyway the next thing you need are these:

Chars going up: said:

̍ ̎ ̄ ̅ ̿ ̑ ̆ ̐ ͒ ͗
͑ ̇ ̈ ̊ ͂ ̓ ̈́ ͊ ͋ ͌
̃ ̂ ̌ ͐ ̀ ́ ̋ ̏ ̒ ̓
̔ ̽ ̉ ͣ ͤ ͥ ͦ ͧ ͨ ͩ
ͪ ͫ ͬ ͭ ͮ ͯ ̾ ͛ ͆ ̚

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The characters that lok like letters are really like the small that are in this, spelling New Jersey in case you didnt know) hear: "̸̷̣̣̇̇̇̇/̂\̸̬/̥̥͟ᵉ͟ᵚ͢͞ ̸̷͒̇͞/́͘͞ ᵉᵣͬᵶᵋᵉᵞ̇̇̇̇̉". They are aligned/justified however you wanna called it to the top of the line (that's what characters going up/middle/down mean, up=top of line and up, middle=middle of line and bottom=bottom of line and down, huuuuurrr).. anyway, proceed...

Chars staying in the middle: said:

̍̕ ̛ ̀ ́ ͘ ̡ ̢ ̧ ̨ ̴
̵ ̶ ͏ ͜ ͝ ͞ ͟ ͠ ͢ ̸
̷ ͡ ҉̚

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Chars going down: said:

̖̍ ̗ ̘ ̙ ̜ ̝ ̞ ̟ ̠ ̤
̥ ̦ ̩ ̪ ̫ ̬ ̭ ̮ ̯ ̰
̱ ̲ ̳ ̹ ̺ ̻ ̼ ͅ ͇ ͈
͉ ͍ ͎ ͓ ͔ ͕ ͖ ͙ ͚ ̣̚

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their special ASCII characters that can be made to do some pretty sweet shit when put together with about 15 minutes to dick around. fortunately i did have 15 minutes to dick around, infact i had all day. i was nodding in my Reeses Peanut Butter Cereal, and i know what your saying to yourself right now, Reeses? FOR BREAKFAST? but playing with chapmap characters seemed so much more fun then pecking out stupid reply's to idle AIM conversations so thats why i did. these characters are know on the intarwebs as "zalgo text" because of a faggot /b/ h.p. lovecraft anti-humor style, i guess you could call it, writing? their are also a metric ton of un-funny zalgo comics over at one of my redlight threads,
In case you like things that are not funny, click the NSFW tag too see an atypical zalgo comic strip: but in the 83rd day in our year of barack hussein obama, arguably a better save of our world then the terminator salvation protagonist john connar, (and a better actor too) shut down in accordance with the emperor of mankind, saved the site from the certain faggotry of slay and preserved it for historic purposes and countless redlighters to come. another possible reason is that my kneegrow riconoen forgot his password while dosing too much OE/DXM didya diddya dats all folks. i hope you enjoyed wasting your time at saveyour's happy pee pee funtime place of america. good night sweet prince 7/1986 - 6/2009. someone comment on this or add me to your blogs however this crap works, i'm new around these parts

so riconoen mentioned this post earlier in teh lounge (well into: every day is slay day) so i decided to dig it up over on redlight and being that it's shutdown/soon to be demolished, i'm poasting the lulz here for my own amusement. and also because i don't remember writing this at all haha i didn't even notice i changed the lyrics around..

chainsawr said:

repoasting here so i don't loose it when thread gets deleted :D

haha no found it

saveyour said:

cause the boys at the red are always hard
keep talking that trash and rico'll pull ur card
knowing nothing in life but to keep trollin it
don't quote my posts boy i derailed your shit

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saveyour said:

saw your props in the ttys on blue rico

we that realest 187 murda killa shit crew here ric

nigga i hit em up:

all of y'all mother fuckers,
fuck you, die slow motherfucker.
My four four make sure all your kids don't grow.
you motherfuckers can't be us or see us.
we mother fuckin' troll lyfe riders.
post high till' we die.
out here in forumer, nigga
we warned ya'
we'll bomb on you mother fuckers.
we do our job.
you think you the mods, nigga, we the motherfuckin' mods
ain't nothing but killers
and the real niggas, all you motherfuckers feel us.
our post counts goes triple and four quadruple
you niggas laugh 'cause our forum staff got guns under they motherfuckin' belts
you know how it is and when we drop stickys they felt
you niggas can't feel it
we the realist
fuck 'em.
we bluelight killers.

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Riconoen said:

Get out the way yo get out the way yo, alasadiars heart just stopped!

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also, the final redlight postwhore scoar:

Riconoen Troll King

​

Joined: 22 Jul 2008
Total posts: 635
[15.10% of total / 1.80 posts per day]

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saveyour Redlighter

​

Joined: 06 Mar 2009
Total posts: 633
[15.05% of total / 5.02 posts per day]

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so fucking close

Well,I`m a junkee.A fucring motherfucker, who made my grandmom die,who tortures parents.Now I`m on methadone therapy,but these are just words/ I go on using and... fuck it all!!!!!!!!!!

Genre: post-hardcore, hardcore, pop punk, emo, emocore.

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okay, so HI lastfm bluelight, I just edited the track 10-paddock_park-im_a_man_of_my_word.mp3 (which is 10min long) that includess a secert track at 7:10. the secret track is the Paddock Park's (now disbanded) final remake of their BEST SONG EVR known as: Running Away + Running Away (Acoustic) & It's Not Running Away If You Have Somewhere To Go. check it out nao! because i really like it and so should you.

Lyrics:
They've got you right, where they've always wanted this to end.
So don't close the void, make use of all their consistency.

Ill let you in, let you in on another escape plan, cause you've been held captive once again. (WHOSE TO SAY YOU CANT GET AWAY)

Ill let you in, let you in on another escape plan, cause you've been held captive once again. (I'LL BREAK YOU OUT IF THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES)

AND I'LL CLOSE MY EYES SO WE CAN DISAPPEAR, SAVOR EVERY LITTLE MOMENT THAT WE'RE NOT HERE, THIS IS OUR TIME TO BE FREE, THEY'LL NEVER CATCH UP TO YOU AND ME.

It's all just another game to them, a hiding place for fake friends
And when we run away together we'll have escaped forever.

Ill let you in, let you in on another escape plan, cause you've been held captive once again. (WHOSE TO SAY YOU CANT GET AWAY)

Ill let you in, let you in on another escape plan, cause you've been held captive once again. (I'LL BREAK YOU OUT IF THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES)

FROM TIME TO TIME YOU COUNT YOUR WINS AND REALIZE YOU CANT GIVE IN, YOU WILL NEVER GET AWAY WITH THESE IRON CHAINS ON YOUR FEET.

It's all just another game to them, a hiding place for fake friends
And when we run away together we'll have escaped forever.

Ill let you in, let you in on another escape plan, cause you've been held captive once again. (WHOSE TO SAY YOU CANT GET AWAY)

Ill let you in, let you in on another escape plan, cause you've been held captive once again. (I'LL BREAK YOU OUT IF THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES)

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who is paddock park?

Paddock Park was formed in the summer of ’07, by Brian Calzini and Tom Denney of A Day To Remember, as a joke band that Tom wrote the music for and Brian did the vocals for; they put it up on Myspace, it started to get some hype and people wanted to see them play live. So Brian recruited two guitar players, a drummer (ex-drummer of A Day To Remember) and a bass player. This line up got them very popular With their in-your-face screams, brutal breakdowns and catchy melodies, Paddock Park has captured the ears of thousands of listeners, and virtually exploded onto the scene. Ocala, Florida youngsters Paddock Park have joined the ranks on the Eulogy line up. This six piece band blends sing-a-longs, breakdowns, and melodies with one captivating live show to back it up. Their debut album “A Hiding Place For Fake Friends” is available in stores now, released on Eulogy Recordings. While On tour a the “singing” frontman of the band, left the band due to a complication with their tour, and him not liking it as much as he thought he would. That left them with just brian on vocals, so they moved their guitar player John onto both Guitar/Vocals (the clean singing). This left Brian as the only frontman, and he would soon leave due to all the members trying to change their myspace and attempting to kick him out of his own project. They were still on tour, so they brought in Austin to do vocals for the rest of the tour, the band started to fall apart and they havent really been heard from since.

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(repost)

Here is something I wrote afew days ago when I was in a very dark place after hurting my bestfriend and nearly losing her as a friend. This is the type of stuff that goes through my mind constantly when im a depressed mood.

Every morning I wake up to my alarm clock going off and I wake up thinking why the fuck didn't I die in my sleep. If god really did exist he would put me out of my misery. Everynight before I go to bed I hope that I would die in my sleep from natural causes and yet every morning I have to wake up dissapointed. Im pretty certain I don't want to live anymore but I would never have the guts to top myself. If I had the chance to save the life of a terminally ill child with my death, I wouldnt hesitate for 1 second about it. Atleast my life would of had a purpose then.

What is wrong with me? Why do I destory everything that is good in my life? Is it because i'm not happy that I must make sure I destroy my friendships with everyone that I care most about. Is it because im not happy that I must make sure my friends arn't happy? I don't mean to do it or do it on purpse, I just tend to say stupid shit that offends and hurts my friends. Why don't I think before I talk. Alot of this pain and hurt that I inflict on my friends could of been prevented if I took 1 second to think about what I was about to say, JUST ONE FUCKING SECOND! Yet I do it week after week and my friends forgive me and give me another chance. How many last chances do I get? It's already gone into double digits, i've already lost count. If I keep going the way im going I will lose the people in my life that I care most about. I've already had afew close encounters with my bestfriend nearly walking out on me yet I still havnt learnt a lesson and still hurt her by saying stupid shit.

When I hurt my friends, it hurts me just as bad as them. As soon as it comes out of my mouth I know what I said was inappropriate and wrong. Then I get hit with the instant guilt, remorse and feeling bad about myself for what I have just done. All I had to do was think about it for 1 second before I opened my big fat mouth and I would of never been put in this situation. Maybe because I keep on being forgiven I keep on doing it? Im not to sure whats wrong with me but something is definately not right in my head. What is it going to take for me to learn? Losing all my friends? Losing my family? Getting kicked out of home? I guess they say you don't realise what you have until it's gone. There is only so much shit someone can take before they give up on you and the way i'm going it wouldnt suprise me if I lost all my friends within the next couple of months.

Its obvious I know what i'm doing is wrong and bad and I do show remorse for my actions but I still do it week after week but why? I'll have a rant and a whinge about it, say it wont happen again but I can guarantee it will happen next week and the week after and the week after. Maybe I want to lose my friends? I dont know anymore. Sometimes I feel like letting go of my friends so I cant hurt them anymore but then they will think it's something they have done where its actually me which is the problem. I dont want to hurt anyone anymore. It really hurts me and depresses me when I hurt my friends. Even if they forgive me I will be beating myself up for weeks about it. How come they can move on but I cant. Is it because they are strong and I am weak?

I think and hope I am a good person/friend deep down inside but a good person or friend wouldn't continuely do this to their friends would they? So does this make me a shit friend or a shit person? In my opinion yes it does. I feel really worthless and doupting myself at the moment, I dont think im a good person or even a good friend anymore. When I ask my self if I had a friend who was a clone of me, would I be friends with him? My answer is no. I don't like who I am or what I am, so how come I have afew good close friends then? What do they see inside of me that I can't see. My friends say im a good friend and a nice person even though I hurt them. I don't know if I should believe them or not because I know if I had a friend like me I definately would of gave up and walked out on them along time ago.

The funny thing is there is a trend here I have noticed. As soon as I start feeling good about myself or have a goodtime out with my friends I always just have to ruin it towards the end. I wonder if im doing this on purpose to send myself back into my depression. Do I fear being happy? Maybe I enjoy being depressed. Im not sure anymore. I dont know who I am or what I am or what the purpose of my life is. Maybe I have become acustomed to this lifestyle so as soon as things starts changing for the better I have to be my typical self and fuck everything up.

All I do is whinge and whinge about how much my life sucks yet I don't do anything about it. To be honest I don't think my life is that bad. As much as I don't talk much to my parents I do know they really love me and care about me. I do have a roof over my head, food on the table, a family, a job and a good loyal bunch of close friends and even a good bunch of aquitences. I guess my life isn't that bad when I think about it. Maybe im just a selfish spoilt little brat?

My biggest fear in life in loneliness and never experiencing a relationship with the opposite sex. I know if I keep going down the path I am going my biggest fear is going to become reality. I know what I have to do to fix my life and all I need to do is make the leap of faith, so WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I JUST DO IT!

It frustrates the shit out of me, and I feel each day gone is another day wasted and another day closer to not achieving anything.

I don't want to live this lifestyle this anymore, I thought drugs and alcohol were causing the problems but it's not the issue as i'm still doing it when i'm sober.

Hope is all that I have left. I hope one day I will change to a better person. I have to let go of the past, it can't be changed but the future can. I can get get all the therapy and medication in the world but until I start to love myself and learn to accept who I am, I don't think I will ever change. I have no love to give and can't be loved until I begin to love myself. I just hope I stop hurting my friends from now on. They don't deserve this, they have always been nice, helpful, supportive, loving and caring to me and im greatful I havnt lost anyone yet.

Im truely sorry for everything I have done to you Aurora, you are a true friend and my angel and I hope I can earn your forgiveness and trust back. Sorry for hurting you and I hope you understand I dont mean to do it. You are a very gorgeous and special girl with a big heart and i'm grateful that you are still my friend. I cant ever promise that I will never hurt you again, I cant promise that I will be a good friend or a good person, the only thing I can promise you is I will put in 110% into being a good friend and recovering to the best of my ability and I hope it is good enough. If you cant accept this, I understand and couldnt blame you but I dont want to lose you. You probably dont believe much of what I say anymore but I do truely love you like my own blood and adore you. I hope this damage is repairable and I havnt lost you for good, thats the last thing I want. If you dont want to risk any more of my bullshit, me hurting you etc and want to walk away from me for good, I understand and dont blame you. What I have done in the past 6 months is disgusting and disgraceful and no human being should have to go through this shit unless its self inflicted and you definately havnt deserved any of this. Im so sorry, I know you probably dont believe me when I say I am sorry but I truely am. Im sorry for being a shit friend to you when you have always been a good friend towards me.

You wanted to know what goes through my mind and here it is. I have no idea if it makes much sense, I was just writing down what was going through my mind.

I am excessively concerned with my secual partner when I am in bed and i have a deep deep desire to make a girl squirt (ya, it creeps me out too). What are the best tricks in terms of physical contact to give an orgasm?