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They informed me that there would soon be a judicial meeting.That night I was VERY depressed, so I went to the college campus that my ex boyfriend and my some of my friends went to. I got more drunk than I had ever been in my life. I drank 12 shot in 1 or 2 hours, that’s a lot for 110 pds (at the time) girl. I was sick 3 times and blacked out that night. Thank goodness Ryan (my ex, who I was still friends with) was there to take care of me. I will forever owe him. It was my first college experience, without even being enrolled.

Later I got a call from the Presiding Overseeer he asked me to come and meet him and 2 other elders. I had really thought about it. I had even said a prayer to Jehovah for his forgiveness and guidance. I dresses up unlike the 1st meeting and took my Bible, unlike the first time. I showed I was sorry, and I understand why we have these rules. The brothers talked to me for over an hour, eventually they asked me to go outside auditorium while they talked it over. Not soon after they asked me to come and answer a question. They asked if I would give up my relationship with the “worldly” guy I was seeing. I thought about how much I love my ex; I said I didn't think I could. I knew that sealed it. They sent me back out, they spent a lot of time talking, I could hear them but not what they are saying. All I heard, was them say a prayer to Jehovah God before they started and I thought I heard one of the brothers say it was close, like they couldn't decide. Then they called me back in, I knew by the tone the brother used when he called me back in that it wasn't good. He sounded sad. They told me they had decided to disfellows me because I will not discontinue my relationship with this person so they feel that the fornication will continue. Man that was depressing. I didn't say anything while they went through the rest of the stuff, already knowing that it wasn't worth pleading my case to them about it. I just nodded, they dismissed me, I said thank you and left, knowing that, that maybe be the last time I walk out of those Kingdom Hall doors. I felt betrayed by the people I trusted to have my best interest in mind. I was repentant and cooperative or I wouldn’t have shown up all put together and with my Bible to read out on and confessed to my sins. I really wanted to stay in the congregation but didn’t feel that I was strong enough willed to terminate it right away. I think I said that I wasn’t “ready to end it AT THAT MOMENT”, which to me implied that I would be at some point. I really was asking for their guidance and help to make it through all this mess but no, they decided I was a lost cause.

Later, I started the relationship with Ryan (my ex and now ex-fiancé again, sometimes I just doesn’t work. But we were together for like 2 more years) again, it’s was the best
thing that has happened to me, a lot better than the situation I was within the Jehovah’s Witnesses! He is far more attentive than he was before. I started college spring 2006 and was very excited to leave home and also I get to be closer to him at the time. Plus have theopportunity to actually go to college and have the possibility of having an actual career that I might like and make a difference in (psychology). My mother was very happy with this choice.

I had to look for a new job so that I no longer had to interact with witnesses at all, since they can’t really talk to me. I guess they can as little as possible if I had to talk to them to for them you kind of need to. Plus I needed more hours and more money since I wasn’t out in field service anymore. Seeing that I didn’t appeal I am now disfellowshiped and enjoying it. I NEVER want to be part of that cult again. I’ve learned so much outside that they never told me. And now things are easier at times. All in all, life is OK.

And of course I’m not with Ryan anymore. He is my ex fiancé. I have had several relationships, enjoying being able to date. Have transferred colleges and moved back home. I’ve had many jobs as well. Things always seems to be changing. But now I am no longer concerned with religion and what comes after we die. Personally I think many people get wrapped up like I did when I was a JW, worrying and planning for what comes after this life that they don’t spend enough time living this one. What happens if there is nothing after this? You will have wasted your only chance for life and happiness. I try to live life to the fullest and try to be a good person and I figure that it good enough for me. I don’t follow any religion at all. I have become comfortable with “I don’t know” when it comes to all the questions that religious organizations try to explain.

So I decided that I wanted to get baptized on May7, 2005. We were done with our “Knowledge” book and started on the “Worship” book. Completion is required for baptism. I really did some searching in my heart, and realized that I need to prove that I was doing this for Jehovah and not for this “brother” (Tony) just like everyone thought I was and also to myself too. So I broke it off, which I communicated was temporary, just for a few months till I got things in order.


It was difficult but it was what I thought I needed to do. Months before the time I was to be baptized I started looking over the questions and I was ready to go by the time came; it seemed like a long time coming. When I was baptized, it was a wonderful moment for me. I was baptized in my local Kingdom Hall with everyone gathered around, in a big horse trough. I had made many changes but I was there.

I soon found out that Tony had found someone else, not even 2 weeks after we broke up he was dating a sister from his hall. “So much for saying you loved me and wanted to marry me you jerk!” I also found out that he wasn't well off spiritually; he didn't make it to meetings and hardly was in service, he lied to me! Just about
everything he had EVER told me about anything was a lie!


I wasn't happy. I found out that he married that sister after 3 months of dating. Not many attended the wedding which the
elders ruled could not be held in the kingdom hall due to the fact they did not approve. This was the same girl that he was all “buddy buddy” with a hanging out with, but he told me that he and he had told me that they were JUST friends with her. I call BS.

He and the girl he was with quit the jobs they were doing for Josh and Heather who owned a floor cleaning business. I later worked for them cleaning grocery store floors at night. Taking the jobs that Tony and his new wife did. I had started so that I might be able to pioneer, be full time going to door to door.

At the end of the month I graduated from high school, I told my mom
that I didn't want to go to college, but I wanted to pioneer. That made her very upset, she told me that if I was going to live in her
house that it would cost me 200 dollars a month. I was shocked that she would do that to me. “What was I going to do?”

I quit my job and I picked up the jobs, as well as one more. I though it was a great idea, because Tony had a past history of quitting a job and then coming back later and taking it back. Well this way it wasn't going to happen and I thought I was funny.

I was an Aux Pioneer so I ended up getting a busy schedule. Sunday morning was meeting and then a nap, and then help another sister clean floors till 12:30am - 1:00am, so I told Monday off, then Tues, I was out in service till 3 pm and then went and cleaned a Radio Station for a hour, a job another sister ( Vicky) gave me because her and her husband would be assisting another congregation and they couldn't do it. Wed. I was out in service 9 pm -3 pm and work 9 pm-12 am cleaning floors at another local grocery store. Thurs it was service till 3 pm and them meeting, Fridays it was just service till 3 pm. Sat in was service till 12 pm or 3 pm and then a nap and then work from 9 pm- 12 am and then get up and do it all over again. It really wore me out and the rejection you get every day at the door made the depression come back, it had been gone for months, the longest I can remember since I was 10 years old.

Yet I signed up if Continue Auxiliary Pioneering and then the doubts started. “Is this what I want?” I wasn't happy, I felt pushed to "Do more in Jehovah's service". I wasn't married and didn't have a family. I felt like I didn't have an excuse, make more time, work
harder! Although this was never said to me it seemed to be the attitude that everyone had, if you weren't a pioneer or a Ministerial servant or an elder you weren't doing enough and you were looked down on. This certainly didn’t help the fact that I had grown up always feeling like no matter what I did it was never good enough.

I was lonely, I wanted a companion. But the type of brother that they wanted for me, the MS or elder won't have any interest in me. I felt unhappy. I was 18 and unmarried, which in my congregation was kind of strange. Many people got married at 18 and 19. And I for some reason had a serious problem with sexual desire
that I was sure would be there for the rest of my life because I believe that I would never get married; therefore, well I can't really fix it.

Then I received an e-mail from my ex Ryan. I had locked up all my feelings for him, and this e-mail was like a floodgate. I still loved him so much! I wanted to be with him. I soon started talking to him on the phone, I witnessed to him and he responded, I sent him a brochure and magazine to where he was staying for the summer. I was falling harder for him. But he was “worldly” (In the ways of the world lacking the direction of Jehovah God) and talked about worldly things such as drinking with his college friends and other things. (JWs believe drunkenness is a sin). I wanted that excitement and fun.

I couldn't deal with it. I needed to do something. One night it got the best of me and I decided to drink, I drank too much and drunk dialed him. I felt so bad. I had seriously broke one of Jehovah's laws and I was a mess.I went to Jen, and confessed all the problems; she called Paul into the room, who was an elder, to reprimanded me. I spent a lot of time crying, they prayed to Jehovah with me, because the guilt kept me from praying. I didn’t feel worthy of speaking to God. I never really did overcome my problems with prayer.

I separated myself from him again, determined to serve Jehovah.I continued to struggle, go to meeting and go out in service, but I was depressed and could hardly get out of bed. But I kept at it.

One night I called him again, I just felt so torn between my heart ( which I was read scripture after scripture about) and serving Jehovah. One night a song on the radio got me, “Listen to your
heart, when he’s calling to you. Listen to your heart, there’s nothing else you can do." I thought that people in the world have in easy, all they have to worry about it seems, is to find love and I have it. I love him and he has always loved me.

I started talking to Ryan again. I opened up and told him how I felt, he told her that I don't want me to leave “the truth” because he knows I am happy there, but he loves me so much and he wants to be with me. I played along for awhile, meetings, service, till I couldn't take it anymore. One day a brother told me that I was so loud and obnoxious that I will never get any one (while I'm sure that applied more to him than anyone) but that made me think. I have someone that loves me. I may never find anyone else? I'm not going to let it go.

I went to a few more meetings, till Paul and Jen were out of town. I quit going to meetings and quit returning phone calls from the brothers and sisters. Till Diane tracked me down when I was doing a job cleaning for her daughter, she confronted me, I told her that I didn't want to be a witness anymore, because I didn't want people telling me what to do. I wanted to do what is going to make me happy. She told me that people didn’t, Jehovah did. I told her that I didn't even want God telling me what to do. I am adult and I can make my own choices. She told me that I'm not handling it like an adult but like a child, and later left to return with Danny who wanted to talk to me, he was also an elder. I had the
same discussion with him. Diane spent a lot of the time crying and angry. And said she couldn't take it any more and stormed out. I later got an e-mail from Kara , about the situation.

Soon Ryan came back to college and I spent time with him. I had sex with him, got drunk and took up smoking again. I just didn't care; I didn't want to be told what I can and can't do. If I want to, I will. I continued to work at the jobs I had. Jen showed up one night when I was getting ready to start work. She had talked with Heather (her brother’s wife) who was working with me and said that Jennifer needed to talk to me.

I had the same talk with her as everyone else. She asked me to come back. I said "Why so they can me?" she informed me that they could do that even if I didn't come back. She encouraged me to meet with the elders when they called and wanted to talk to me. She cried and left very upset and angry also.

I got another phone call from a sister in hall, wondering if it was something SHE said was the reason why I didn’t want to come back. Although she was misinformed about the Tony and talked about him like he was the best person on earth. I told her that it had nothing to do with it, which it didn’t.

Later Paul called, asked me to meet with him and the Presiding Overseer, I agreed. I went to talk to them. He said he was sorry if he was ever pushing me. We talked for awhile and then it came to asking me what I meant about that they would disfellowship me (cut from the other people in the congregation. I’m not allowed to associate or talk to me or really me them. If they would after the public announcement of my disfellowshipment, they risk the same fate). I confessed everything. Repeated smoking and drunkenness (although drinking in moderation is allowed), and fornication are where my sins. These are considered MAJOR sins against Jehovah.

**I'm looking forward to any comments on this. Its a long one, I know.




My Year with the Jehovah’s Witnesses

I came in contact with a witness in Sept 2004. I had one of the worst days of my life. My brother Drew and I had gotten into a fight that day. He punched me in the head and broke his hand. I also had a bad day at school and I had to work. Just before I clocked in my boyfriend of nearly 2 years (Ryan) called and broke up with me. (We did get back together soon after.) I was bound and determined that I would get through this shift, and then go home and end it all. I had battled depression for many years and had previous suicide attempts and an inpatient hospital stay. I was 17 at this time.

Then a person I had never seen before came into the grocery store where I worked I soon learned that he worked there, but didn't have a uniform because he cleaned the floors. He (Tony) was really sweet to me. He later witnessed to me about God having a name and that name was Jehovah. This was completely new to me and I wanted to know more, maybe part of it was because I liked him.

I told him a lot of things that made me wonder why he even bothered still talking about Jehovah. I was a very open person, and soon told him that I was bisexual. I guess we never really talked about it. But I was living a life way out of line where the Jehovah’s Witnesses are concerned.

I would talk to me every day I worked and told me more about the witnesses, a relationship developed. I had mentioned him to my mom and she had said that the witness don't take blood so we talked about that. Soon he gave me a “Require” brochure. It covers the basic teachings of the Jehovah’s Witnesses and they things they believe Jehovah God requires of us. I was overjoyed, I read it over and over.

I left my boyfriend. He was in college and never aroundand didn't pay much attention to me, this guy did. I really liked him, so I consented to a Bible study, quit smoking, quit having sex, and quit going to the Methodist church, hoping it would keep things were I wanted them. Tony gave me my first copy of the New World Translation (NWT, the addition of the Bible the Jehovah’s Witnesses use).

My first study took place in the sit down area of the grocery store after work that October. I studied with a pioneer (full time preaching work, door to door) sister (baptized Jehovah’s Witnesses call each other brother and sister) named Jennifer. Our first 1 hour study we went through 3 lessons, which is quite quick for a Bible study. The following Sunday I was at the meeting at the Kingdom Hall (In order to show that they are separate from the rest of the world, JWs call their services “meetings” and their church a “Kingdom Hall”, which comes from the fact that they are waiting Jehovah to set up his Kingdom on earth).

Within a week or 2 I had finished the “Require” brochure and was on to the “Knowledge “book, a more in depth look into the beliefs of the JWs. I was attending all the meetings, several times a week.

My relationship with Tony progressed as well. We talked for hours on the phone every night; he was encouraging and seemed to really love Jehovah God. The more I was learning from the meetings the more I wanted to learn, although my mother had read up on the beliefs. She was opposed and gave me apostate (somebody who renounces a belief or allegiance) material. I took to the sister that I studied with (Jennifer). She explained to me, with the help of her mother (Diane) who because my "spiritual mother".

Halloween came around and I decided that I would not celebrate it as JWs do not believe in celebrating ANY of the normal holidays. I became a beacon of hope to the congregation, that there were still people out there that wanted “the truth” (this is what JWs call their beliefs).

The members of the congregation became my family, Jennifer and her husband Paul, who was an elder, were both pioneers and invited me into their home. I enjoyed being away from the constant fight of my family. Jennifer’s parents, Diane and Danny also were close to me, my "spiritual parents" because Paul and Jen
when in their 30s and didn't want to think that it would be possible to have kids my age. They preferred just to think of their dog as
their kid. Kara (Related to Paul and Jennifer) was my age, and graduated from high school a year before me was also a pioneer. I even had some in the congregation call me their adopted granddaughter. I finally got the love and acceptance that always seemed to be lacking in my life and relationships.

So many were impressed by my rapid progress, a month or 2 after my 1st study I enrolled in the ministry school and became a publisher (a person who goes out in “field service”, door to door ministry work. Talking to people and providing them with organizational magazines about “the truth”, but not full-time like a “pioneer”).

I was up every Saturday to go out in service, because of school I couldn't be out during the week. But at school, I was the "only" Jehovah’s Witnesses. There was one brother, but he wasn't in school much because he was taking courses at our local college. There was another guy who claimed to be a JW but didn’t really follow the guide lines set out for us.

I made my school my own territory (the area in which you are to try to contact people and tell them about “the truth”), and increased time with informal (not door to door) witnessing. It earned me a lot of persecution.

The relationship Tony grew. I knew a lot about him and his family, or so I thought. I found out later that a lot of what he told me were lies, so I’m not sure I know anything. A few months after he met me, he was talking about marriage. He told me how the witnesses viewed dating with much seriousness. You don’t date a person you can’t see yourself married to. I thought that the right thing was to go along. But since I shouldn't be dating yet because I wouldn't be 18 for a few months we needed to keep in under wraps. He gave me a box with an engagement ring in it, to show me what he hoped for our future. But you know teenage girls; he was all I could talk about. And soon there were questions from Jen and Paul. Paul told me that I should marry an young elder or an ministerial servant and Tony (I attended his baptism at the circuit assembly before I became a publisher) was neither. I ignored the counsel, they didn't know him like I did, and he just hasn't had the time. I told myself that the idea that I should marry an elder or something was crazy because I was so new to “the truth” that they wouldn’t believe that I was grounded enough in it.

The Jehovah’s Witnesses put a lot of emphasize on marriage. If you aren’t married you are alone. Many people get married soon after they turn 18. I also wanted the love, and unconditional acceptance and loyalty that would come with marriage. JWs don’t believe in divorce outside of cases of abuse or a husband refusing to care for his family. I suppose I was attracted to this in that I would never be alone and rejected again.

I continued to progress, Christmas time came around and I decided that I would not participate if I had a choice. I chose to do the Christmas things at school for choir and orchestra because it possibly could affect my grade. However I see now that I might have no wanted to let go off everything I have grown up doing during the holidays. However I did give up Christmas at home. My mother was VERY angry about this. My parents are divorced and remarried, she told me that me not sharing Christmas with the family was worse that my father leaving. It was very difficult from both sides.

That winter I had a car accident on an icy road. I hit a drain area on the curb and it made the air bags go off and broke the axle in my car. It had to be towed back to my house. I had the skin on my neck literally ripped off by the air bag, because of my height it actually caused more injury than it prevented. I wasn't sure what I was going to do, I had no way of getting to meetings. Tony bought a car for me, and even came and dropped it off. I decided that I couldn't take the car, and that he would have to figure out something to do with it, so he sold the car he already had and drove the one he
bought.

Paul and Jen picked me up for all the meetings. Paul even fixed my car for nearly nothing. And then when they were gone on a
trip, I wreaked in again. I'm not a very good driver; I had 2 accidents before these as well. With this one, I pulled out in front of someone and she hit the back of my car, insurance paid for hers but it was just body damage on both.

At some point in this mess I had turned 18; I didn't really come out with my relationship because I knew that some were against it. But Jen younger brother Josh who Tony had his Bible studies with before he was baptized didn't like it. He counseled Tony many times about it. I was hoping that he wouldn't say much to the Jen.

I had abandoned my dreams of going to college to be a vet; I wanted to marry Tony and pioneer with him. (Which was what he had lied to me and told me he was going out in field service). We met with Diane and Danny and discussed our relationship (I later found out that he had mislead them into thinking that this interest just started). They counseled us on the admonition to “marry only in the Lord” meaning we should wait till I was baptized to begin anything. They obviously didn't get the right information about the relationship.

yesterday was the love of my lifes birthday. i dont know what it is about birthdays; but i LOVE them. we woke at 4am and sat up in bed together while he opened all of his gifts and drank coffee. it was amazing to see him so excited and happy.

keeping up with birthday tradition we made love and i rushed downstairs afterwards to cook him a BLT (favourite breakfast sandwich) and make a kickass banana, yogurt and honey breakfast smoothie. i demanded he stay in bed to eat; as breakfasts in bed at our house are somewhat limited to when youre sick and special occasions; i was rapt that he happily obliged.

little miss woke not long afterwards and climbed into bed with us for cuddles and to give her daddy his gift. we could have stayed there ALL day; just talking, laughing and being together; but life called and we got organised to go to work and school.

the mr and i were smsing each other during intervals in the day; smushy messages of love and celebration (which always help the day to go faster; and with yearning to be together). i was itching to get home so badly; and when i did, i answered the door to see him all dressed up and ready for dinner. i love my husband. when he is in business attire or after 5 wear; my heart still manages to skip a beat or 3; hes the sexiest man on the planet.

we had a lovely dinner at a 5 star restaurant in surfers with family and close friends and ate like idiots. they had a dessert buffet, which included a chocolate fountain with fruit, marshmellows, nuts and pieces of nougat that you had to skewer and let run under the stream of chocolate. it was heavenly. i ate a passionfruit panna cotta, chocolate mousse, cream brulee and chocolate cream filled profitteroles; after the mudcrab and salad the mr and i shared together (not to mention the stomach ache that soon followed ).

we bid everyone goodnight and thanked them for coming. i had made little lolly boxes for our guests, out of noodle boxes i had stuffed with cellophane and lollies; with ribbons on the handles and headed home. the little lady (full of chocolate) was put to bed; and we followed soon there after; for cuddles.

happy birthday honey.

Well, I've been enjoying heroin of late. I don't use it more than three days consecutively in order to avoid a physical habit (we'll see how long that lasts).

I prefer the rush of IV coke over IV heroin but the heroin high lasts MUCH longer and doesn't have a comedown. I believe that this is due to my low tolerance.

This stuff seems to balance me. I feel more empathetic, considerate, and stable when I'm high. I know that it is a lie and eventually this shit will change on me just like the coke did.

When high on H I actually feel confident concerning my ability to quit drugs altogether. Ha! I see through that lie as well.

I know that as soon as I wake up tomorrow I will be thinking of getting high later tomorrow night.

I know that I won't stop thinking about getting high until I get some coke.

After using some coke I will still think about getting high.

After the coke is all gone I will be thinking about getting high.

When I wake up the next day I will be thinking about getting high with the addition of guesstimating how many days is long enough to do H again.

Circles are balanced, right? This circle I've outlined above is drawn much too perfect. When I crash I believe I will see this perfect circle for what it is... ...a distorted, unrecognizable shape of confusion and lies.

I must keep this 'balance' in check and recognize that I have been lying to myself without caring due to the pleasantness that makes these lies endurable.

When can I tell myself that it is over? The word scares me. 'Over' is too final. 'Over' will mean forced change. 'Over' will mean tears. 'Over' scares the shit out of me.

JUST FUCKING STOP ALREADY YOU STUPID FUCK!!!

“Are you healthy and are you happy?”, she said, in her kind voice with its lingering traces of Scottishness, she being my mum’s friend L, the occasion being my mum’s birthday meal at a local restaurant.
The question was directed at me. Health and happiness. It didn’t sound that appealing. In my twisted brain it sounded very ‘middle-class’; with connotations of gym membership, a regular sleeping pattern and the pursuit of attainable goals in the world of work.
I simply smiled weakly, politely declining to answer. Then, for some reason unbeknownst to both my current and former selves, I winked at my dad. Coffees were ordered and the evening moved on.

The conversation is relevant and significant to me now, almost two years later, because it took place on the very day that I lost my own special version of health and happiness, although I was far from aware of this at the time.
I woke up that day, thinking that all I had to face was another hangover. As the afternoon wore on, however, I became increasingly agitated and restless. My drinking had been particularly heavy that summer, and sometimes my hangovers had been infused with a nasty element of anxiety, but they had been fuck all like this. I simply could not stay still. I would move back and forth from my bedroom to the bathroom, from my bed to the toilet. The change of scenery only brought momentary relief, as in half a minute the same insatiable, horrible desire was back again. Something was just not right, there was a terrifying glitch in the matrix. It was all around, everywhere I looked. The walls of my room, my reflection in the mirror, the late summer sunshine outside my window, it all told me that something was off. I could continue, but anyone likely to be reading this can probably already relate. It was in this state I had to go to my mum’s birthday meal.
The drive from my family home to the restaurant was one of those life experiences that I could have done without. Trying desperately to relax, I twisted and contorted my body, I writhed in my seat, moving around as much as I could without bringing attention to myself. Window open. Window closed. Hands on legs. Hand behind head. Talk to my dad about football? No, the idea of having to respond to conversation filled me with terror. Window open again. Please, fuck, let us get to the restaurant.
The only way I could envisage getting through the meal was to have another drink. Whether this was through a rational assumption that I must be suffering from alcohol withdrawal syndrome, or whether it was simply an instinctive desire, I’m not sure. But for the first time in my life, I did not just want a drink. I needed one.
Finally we arrived. As soon as the waiter came to give us the menus, I asked for a beer. He told me to wait as another waiter would be taking the drinks order, and made a jokey aside which I did not quite catch, probably mocking my eagerness to get the drinks in, no doubt interpreting it as normal, healthy student behaviour. Restaurant protocol was wreaking havoc with my very biology. When the beer came, I drank half of it in one swig. Half a minute later it was finished and I had started on a glass of sparkling wine. Already I could tell that I was going to make it, I was going to be OK.
How can I describe that sensation, the way that even a small amount of alcohol had soothed me? Some alcoholics talk about drinking themselves sobre in the morning, but it would be more apt to say that whilst most of my body remained in abject terror, a tiny part of me became deliciously tipsy, and it was just about possible to hide within this bit of myself. As I drank more, I felt this friendly, euphoric part of my brain grow in stature. Soon I was able to sit still, to eat, to converse; in short to function as a human being once again. It was even enjoyable for me to act as if everything is normal, in the same way an actor or a film star might enjoy performing their role in a play or film.
It was a real buzz that I got from those first few drinks. To have those awful feelings replaced by beautiful ones is something that stays with you for a long time, and it’s something that my brain will physically remember for perhaps even longer, in the form of positive reinforcement and cravings. My withdrawal was cured, and I felt what John O’Brien (author of Leaving Las Vegas) described as the ‘illusion of health and happiness’. But it was back again the next day, with a vengeance, and moreover the cogs had been set in motion, the process had begun which has brought me to where I am today; depressed/bored, sobre and craving, at a loss as to how to regain that health and that happiness I once enjoyed.

I have had the biggest fight with my mother today, and unfortunately it has been over how much of a bitch my older sister is.

My sister is married to an abusive and very controlling man, which has led her to being very rude and harsh with her family as she lacks so much control with her life. She suffers from a typical case of sibling rivalry, as she sees me not making the stupid mistakes that she has/is. My sister and i have no relationship at all due to the competitiveness as i can't stand the games she plays, and how nasty she tends to be. Her and her husband have caused a lot of upset for me over the years. I have always put up and put up, but that was my mistake. I let too much go on and now that i try to stand my ground no one wants a bar of it.

My mother herself has also been cut off from my sister a few years ago, and badly bad mouthed to friends and family. I was expected to make things better, to pass on messages for each of them to each other and if i ever dared to say i didn't want to do it anymore my mother would go nuts at me. Which i hate - i hate fighting with anyone.

Now that i am the one in the firing line with my sister, i guess my mum is relieved it's not her being targeted anymore. Mum also fears my sister not letting her see her granddaughter as my sister has a 2 year old girl. She has used the child as a way of getting what she wants from our parents, and because they know what my sister is like, they all obey.

A lot of games are getting played in my family too. My mother constantly brings my sister up to me and talks really highly of her to me all the time, no matter how much i have asked her not too. My sister at the last family gathering completely ignored me and in fact bitched about me to other relatives while i was there. I have been very hurt about this, but i am expected to 'get over it' and move on. While i am all for getting over things and moving on, i can't without closure. But mum says "you know how your sister is, she is weaker than you.... she can't apologize and face up to her actions." but that's not ok to me, because then my mother will constantly talk about her and her daughter and rub it all in my face.

Well it all came to a head today because mum started talking about my sister as usual, so i told her i don't appreciate it - she told me that i need to stop it, and i asked mum why doesn't she ever tell my sister to stop what she does? Why am i always expected to get over shit. And like i said, usually i do - but too much has gone on for me to just keep getting over it with my sister. My mum had the nerve to tell me she 'believes things when she see's them' so therefore she wont tell my sister to stop what she is doing. Even though she has done it to my mother a few years ago, but managed to stop when the baby was born because of all the help she needs from mum now.

I know we are all adults and it shouldn't be up to the parents to stop the fight now days, but it is different rules for me than it is with my sister. There have been times when i have told my sister to go fuck herself, so she would freak out thinking i was going to run to mum and tell her what she said to me (as if i would) so she'd call mum crying and going hysterical and get mum so worked up that she'd call me and blast me... it's like wtf??? I wasn't the one starting shit! Ugh... this is never ending. And so incredibly childish.

My mum and i have agreed to have nothing to do with each other. I am really hurt, but also very over the bullshit. I need a few days to pass already so i will feel better about everything... hopefully. Good luck to them all and their stupid bullshit. And they better think again if they think they can weasel back into my life once i have had my first child. No doubt they will and i will be expected to act like nothing is wrong, like usual.

i do miss my journal

the word journal just sounds

more thoughtful


now the word "blog" comes with some interesting requirements.

such as actually writing about something.

I decided yesterday to step down from all my positions on Bluelight. This board has been such a huge part of my life since I've joined and I wouldn't give up that time for anything, but now I feel like my time here is really putting a strain on my "real life" time.

I need to concentrate on me right now and bettering my future/health.

I'll always be around to some extent but not as a mod anymore.

It makes me kind of sad to do this, but I know it's for the best. Thanks to all the people that have made such a great impact on my life over the past years, you're wonderful.

I never liked the term blog, ever.

I usually adapt well to change but this never caught on for me.

So anyway, my journal went MIA for god knows how long and here I am with a BLOG.
I promise I'll come to terms with it, like all things. Over time.

I don't remember the last time i logged into my LJ.

If cleanliness is godliness, (if i type that out again, you have permission to hit report) then i guess convenience is key. Let's not forget about all the eggs being in one basket though, diversify, diversify. Within the .RU of course

Anyway, i think i was going to write about something.

Oh yeh, dear journal i got a new stick

The end.

this very well may be my last blog/journal thing for a while.

i feel like such a fucking asshole. yea my mom's bat shit crazy but it's not her fault. she gets pissed off and yells some pretty fantastic shit straight into my face but it's understandable. bills bills bills money money money. her boyfriend left and she's having trouble financially and me being here isnt helping her at all. i only work 3 hours a day on account of daycare costs. i know i get malaura what she needs but i soak up funds. when her boyfriend was here she told me to work at the greenhouse to help the g-ma and not to worry about a full-time job, so i didnt. and dumbass me didnt think about it when her boyfriend left.

i dont really like the fact of my mom scaring the shit out of me the way she use to when i was small. phones being slammed in my face and whatnot. but dammit i can understand her viewpoint. i can see how stressed she must be and how much of a burden i am right now. i know her personality and how success is so important to her. that not being able to keep the internet and cable would be damaging to her self esteem. small things like that are what builds up and makes a person scream. i hate knowing i contribute to that.

someone talked to me today and made me think about things. i get so frustrated that she doesnt act a certain way that i forget about how im acting. and that usually means im acting like a child. then we're right back to where we were ten years ago. that's something i have to let go. i cant keep letting bullshit from the past affect me so much. i catch myself in so much self pity sometimes it's pathetic. not outwardly, god no, im sure once i verbalized what i was thinking to someone else id ask them to punch me.

ill miss the internet
it's getting cut off tomorrow im pretty sure. that's what she said at least. but hopefully when i help her get caught up with everything it'll get turned back on.

what ill miss the most though, after it does get cut off, is someone who has changed me drastically for the better in such a short time without even knowing it.

you only call me when you're lonely
is when I hear from you
you never are around when you owe me
that's all I get from you

never touch me less I'm cryin
less I'm cryin for you
never know if you are lyin
but I'm hopin for the truth

and while we got some time to kill
let's stop for a smoke or two
and have a laugh at the things we do

btw the skies today are bluer than your eyes
you say it's sun but it feels like rain to me
standin waitin to realize
sometime bad is good enough for me

never once said that you loved me
less I did something for you
then you said it's caused you never asked me
that it's cause you thought I knew

wanted me to stop the bleeding
but I couldn't stop the love
still I couldn't leave you lying
in the rain and the mud

btw btw everything's gonna be ok
and all the stars are gonna fade away
but they'll shine again someday
btw btw

[COLOR="Blue"][/COLOR]If you recognize that all of your inner hurts are caused by your own "wrong actions" or your own "wrong reactions" or your own "wrong inaction" then you will stop hurting yourself.

work this week has been full on, but good. thank god its over. i was rapt to have recieved my roster for the following week today; to realise that i have next friday off too. that will be three long weekends in a row. long weekends makes for a super happy kytn. :D jugs and hooters here i come!

tomorrow night im going out with two girls from work to get messy at a bar in surfers. we have done this twice before with magical results and i look forward to doing it again. the two girls and i are very similar in personality and have an awesome time when we go out; we feed off each others madness and spend the night in fits of laughter. i cant wait; its been just what the doctor ordered.

i dont know how to express this or where to begin but two guys at work have been wierding me out. one is a seedy old fuck who persists on saying wierd shit to me throughout the day that unnerves the hell out of me and the other is a dude three years my senior who flirts with me to keep his work time interesting. both situations are sticky as fuck and im trying to avoid them like the plague.

for example; with the older dude; im associates with his wife also; and he persists on telling me sexy jokes and making sexy comments. it got so bad two days ago while i was doing some filing; that when he slapped my ass i jumped and said "ken you seedy pirate; fuck off; im telling your wife". that seems to have gotten him to back off a little; but he keeps coming into my office to see where i am and will say "ive been looking out for you; and was wondering where you were" ill casually reply "youve found me"; but the whole thing is creeping me out.

the other dude keeps trying to make personal jokes with me and strange comments about my personal appearance. for example; during my tea break i sat at the outdoor staff table killing a coffee and cigarette and he came out, sat down and opened the paper; reading aloud an article about cocaine usage being on the rise and said "cocaine was once considered a drug that was solely used by the beautiful people of society" and turned to me and said "kytn, youre beautiful; do you love cocaine?" and was staring at me all wierd. this hasnt been a one off thing, and hes now asking more about my personal life each day and taking his break times at the same time as mine. this afternoon as i clocking out he was showing two interns some pics on his phone of his cock (for fuck knows what reason) and as i walked by he said "id show kytn, but i have more respect for her than that; too we havent had the chance to get that intimate; yet". i laughed and said "i heard its a small photo anyway" and kept walking.

this shit is wierd. i dont like it. im very professional at work; and even though i enjoy the social aspects of my job; i like to keep it professionally social; not "friends" social with 99% of people; males especially out of respect for the mr and myself.

do. not. want.

I just got a phone call from my mom saying that my uncle is basically dying. He has ALS and hasn't been doing too well apparently. He has pneumonia now and he requested that he not be put on ventilators.

My mom said that it would take a miracle for him to survive and was already asking if I could be there for the funeral.

And now I have to go to work. FUCK!

I have been using pretty hard since my girl left. Shooting coke, poppin E, chewing percs, drinkin' and smokin' weed.

This weekend I'll only be drinking. This poses a problem. I haven't been dealing with the loss of the woman I love so I expect all the emotions and feelings of loss will be hitting me at once.

I don't know if I'll be able to handle the onslaught of emotions that will most likely hit me hardcore.

Oh well... just gotta prepare myself the best I can.

She has been reading my blogs but I no longer care. I need to post to help deal with things. I need to post honestly as well so that I can get honest advice/opinions from others just like me.

The true beloveds of this world are in their lover's eyes lilacs opening, ship lights, school bells, a landscape, remembered conversations, friends, a child's Sunday, lost voices, one's favorite suit, autumn and all seasons, memory, yes, it being the earth and water of existence, memory.

Click to expand...

- Truman Capote, 'Other Voices, Other Rooms'

Tuesday afternoon at work was accompanied by the second disc of the latest Eskimo Joe album, a collection of live recordings, when iTunes ticked over to 'From The Sea' - Live at Enmore Theatre.

For a few seconds I tried to place the opening guitar chords, those distinctive riffs over the sound of a live audience. There was a place where I'd heard this once, and it seemed important to know where and what that was.

Like old blinds being drawn in a deserted house on a sunny afteroon, the revelation of that memory brings flooding light over old furniture in a room that was long ago deserted.

The date is January 30th, 2005. I'm in the lower tiers of the grandstand at the Royal Melbourne Showgrounds, in front of me is the main stage decked out under blue and orange canopies. It's almost 1pm and a crowd of thousands are gathered standing.

I remember this moment because of a photo, probably one of the least interesting and meaningful photos in my huge collection from those days, but I know from the memory of it that this is the moment that Eskimo Joe are about to begin playing - what was then - their biggest single.

A warm and knowing smile breaks across my face as the song begins. From near the front I can see a beach ball being punched around and hands going into the air after it. I'm smiling like a fool because my first Big Day Out has just started... and also because I'm madly in love with the girl sitting next to me... she is probably laughing because I'm taking a photo of nothing.

Hello hello oh hello
The world repeats itself some how
She knows she knows oh she knows

The weather that day was perfect, as was the Red Russian I consumed which led to the rest of the day being not so well remembered. I know at one point I was making grass-angels on the lawn of that same main stage during Powderfinger, caught the first part of the Beastie Boys and a spine-tingling set by the Chemical Brothers to finish.

I don't understand why I should so strongly associate with that one moment at the start, captured in a photo, that would otherwise be meaningless. As if I were to know, even before 1pm, that it would be one of the best days of my life.

Back in 2009, I turn to stare out the window, tears welling up in my eyes. It takes almost thirty minutes before I can compose myself enough to start working again, the time index on the song stopped at 2.15... I tell iTunes to skip ahead.

please find someone else to pine over.
it's nauseating, irritating, pathetic.
i don't know you. i don't need your 'help.'
the snide little comments just make me laugh mate.
please get some real friends.

It kinda bothered me for a while that I thought people would think I would somehow fuck him over as he is so well liked and respected. But then it didnt as it did not matter what other peoples perceptions were.

My perception was I was secure with someone who was respectful of women, wonderful in nature and also very trustworthy.

I was let down by my own take on a false reality. No one is who they seem.

We are talking a bit, not much as I think its too raw. But this is the ultimate nail in the coffin for trust in any friendship formed here. I just cant see how anyone can be who they say they are anymore.

I think its time to go and be where I was before this existed. I dont like the influence its had or losing people who never existed.

I’ve been in love with so many women
Tall, small, long, smooth, sexy, sleek, and fine
But only one girl is my kind
Fucking in bedroom after three glasses of wine

everything was great. i recieved a phone call late friday afternoon from my sister asking that i call my dad saturday morning as the hospital called regarding some tests he had had on friday morning; and asked that he come back immediately. this isnt uncommon for my father as he has struggled with heart disease for the past 15 years and has had more operations than i have had hot dinners. my sister asked that i not worry and said that if she found anything out sooner; she would let me know.

i went out with my girlfriends on friday night and had a blast. we girlied up, drank, danced and just had a knockout time; at 11:30pm i got the mr to pick me up as i was beat from the weeks work; and anxious to be with my family.

first thing saturday morning i called my dad and wasnt expecting to hear what i did. hes been diagnosed with an aggressive form of prostate cancer. im fucking shattered. his twin brother passed of the same condition just last year; and was dead within four months of diagnosis. this is all too close to home and surreal. he is being operated on in two weeks to further investigate and remove what they can; but are concerned that its spread to his bowels.

im in shock. i dont know what to say or even how to express it. i will be flying home to be there for his op and recovery period and to just be there with him. i really hope my boss is understanding of the situation and is willing to give me a week or two off. im finding it hard to write this without crying, so im going to leave it at that, i just had to say it outloud somewhere as im trying to hide my feelings from my family and remain optimistic for them and my fathers sake.

god i hope he'll be ok. i love that crazy old wog.

I kinda dread weekends as I know Ill probably brood a lot on the usual shit, keep quiet, avoid social stuff and knock myself out.

And,, thats exactly what did happen. Again.

Declan was a bit drunk when I got home from work, I proceeded to get drunk too. I was planning on meeting some girls out at the pub but the were not there yet either so I wasnt in a rush.

Declan is a martial arts fanatic and happily held me down in various painful grips- kinda fun but a bit rough really.

Then we compared previous sexual exploits- his all topping mine. Including a chick who took him to a farm and blew a horse in front of him.

Anyway, I cant recall this as I was drunk- I passed on going out as I had too much to drink- we had a sort of tiff about casual sex and what it really meant. He explained hes just gotten rid of the last of his 3 girls and has had heaps of it and sees it as something to do with anyone when horny.

I don't. I told him even though he is really cute, if I thought he was a loser or a total cunt then I wouldn't be interested in sex. *SHUDDER*. I said I was ok with us having this weird close friendship that snaps into rampant fucking as hes genuinely a great guy and isnt pretending to want anything else which I appreciate. He said "Oh no, shes getting all emoTiOnAl!!" and I shut up at this point as we were both drunk.

As I was being quieter than usual, he became more attentive and probably was aware he was a bit crass, so calmed down a bit. We said "G'nite lovey" to each other and the next time I saw him was this afternoon.

I couldn't sleep on Friday so I took a couple seroquels. Im saving my valium for a rainy day. That took out all Saturday when I was meant to be op shopping and sat night when I was meant to go see the girls.

Declan and I spent a relaxed evening watching dvd's, throwing things at each other and comparing burps.

Im not that anxious if we never sleep together again, I know its going to be hard to resist him but maybe Im better off just not going there. Not initiating it anyway. And he likes to put the feelers out enough to get ME to suggest it, but not actually make the first move himself. Like, he sent me another bluetooth pic of him naked in bed- which I did not respond to. Im not going to come running every time he wants to get lucky ha ha.

Besides, theres plenty more fish in the sea!

I have a date with a very cute Army guy who is Phillipino and has a shaved head soon. And Alasdair will be back from out bush in a couple weeks. AND D from Melbourne has moved to Surfer's Paradise and has opened his own restaurant. Ill be visiting him when I can. AND.... ah bugger it. Time for bed!

sos im reading through my old journal on here and have come to realize just how therapeutic the whole process is.
i mean, it embarrasses me to even read because of how ignorant i was about things. my different points of view until now. it's humbling because it makes you think of how stupid you were and still could be but builds you up for what you know now.

so many things have changed.

Witness to murder for stress's relief
Deep anger due to a false belief
Rage from your friend stomped like a fly
Taunted by those who love you - but why?
Something snaps in you, a short circuit deluxe
The fulcrum emotion set off is the crux
Your core beliefs toyed with again
Bravery's not about firepower, it's within
Every self value that you hold true
Whether family or just the power of you
This bubbling fury overflowing through
Your vessels and then striking true
Hitting your brain, your hairs stand on end
Your foe's life and values you'll viciously rend