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I haven't been writing for many days. I confess, I've been very diverted and not just with dope. I keep putting this AFF thing in the back of my mind, but the activities they have on there, are addicting. I don't feel terribly horny anymore, just once in a while. I've gone way overboard with the dope though. Fucking probation started garnishing my wages by 25% starting last Friday.

I couldn't pay all of my rent and I certainly can't pay all my bills. This is a shitty time too because I can't NOT do dope. Well I could decide not to, but then I'm hooked to the point of getting fucked over by this damned chronic fatigue again. I have a lot to do and I can't accomplish shit being asleep 24/7, but Jesus I'm in trouble. I seem to panic and freeze every time I try to pick up the phone to work this out. I had the same trouble

sober too. Sometimes I just don't know what the fuckin matter with me is. And here Jim is saying he wishes he was me? I find that unbelievable because I'm getting my ass kicked both buy my addiction and the government taking 25% of my check. I can't survive long this way. I had it all planned out what I was gonna say, but ok will have to start over and try to resolve this crap. Life is good otherwise, but I am worried. I love not being so fucking fat anymore, it was such a fuckin

handicap. Everyone keeps telling me I'm pretty and after feeling so ugly for over 2 yrs, you kinda don't wanna go back to getting clean if it means getting fat. I don't. However, I swear, I have got to cut this crap out by 75% at least. And when I do that, I don't care if I'm tortured by obsessive thoughts of food night and day, I'd rather go without! Sigh. Life is so good in some ways, but I'm freaked in others....

Friendly got back in town about a week ago. We got together because of course our friendship…well I don’t even know what the word would be, runs deep I guess you could say. We got together at his roomies house and they wanted to get some speed so we got a half gram and smoked it. It had been awhile since I had done some but for some reason I couldn’t achieve the high I wanted too like I had done before. After we finished up smoking they asked if I would give them a ride to pick up some rock which at first I said I didn’t have enough gas but then they offered to smoke some with me if I took them which I couldn’t turn down. I hadn’t done crack cocaine in…gee…six months? And let me tell you...I hadn't got that high in awhile, too bad it's so short lived.

We then drove around for awhile because we didn’t have a place to go. Then friendly told me to stop by some homeboy’s house who I didn’t even know. When we walked in I noticed right away there was an old hag bitch smoking a bowl of speed. She reminded me of how my grandmother ended up on my father’s side even though I haven’t heard from her in years. I personally was very uncomfortable in the house, I just got a bad vibe…either that or I was just tweaking too hard. When we finally got out of there we went back to his roommates place again but he kicked us out right away since according to him his girlfriend wanted to be left “alone”. We quickly walked around to the front and to my surprise…she let us in and friendly told me “you say nothing about what you are about to see”, he tossed her a syringe and she went in the bathroom to shoot up.

I was pretty puzzled by the whole thing since Jessica (the roommate) told me earlier that day that I should quit shooting up if I can. Kind of hypocritical don’t you think?

I was about to go to my car to get myself well when I heard a knock at the door and it was one of Jessica’s friends which at the time I didn’t notice was one of the people in the house we were at earlier. Jessica shut the door and said she would be out in a minute, there was another knock at the door and everyone assumed it was still the same girl so they told me to answer it…but it wasn’t her. It was her boyfriend (I assume) and he threw a punch right at me. I managed to dodge it and he only clipped my eye. I went to throw a punch back but I noticed he had a gun…and just from my experience you don’t fuck around with anyone who has a gun.

Apparently when we left an 80gig Zune disappeared too so he assumed we stole it which I told him I had no reason to steal his shit. To make a long story short, we were held at gunpoint and I quickly ditched friendly and drove to Chuck’s house after. I was real shook up by the whole experience and it took me awhile to calm down. I went to the bathroom and did my shot, then started to finally calm down.

I awoke from my nod in the early hours of the morning and had to leave to go babysit. It was one hell of a night.

Its one of those days........

So I talked to my mom last Saturday and told her how bad I've really been feeling, which at that time was suicidal. I almost took a trip to the ER to check myself in. She stayed on the phone with me for hours and I finally feel for the first time in my life really connected to her. She's been calling me every day since to make sure I'm alright. My parents decided that they're going to come here for a couple hours tomorrow (they're going on vacation a couple hours away), then come back next weekend for a little longer, then come back again in a couple weeks to pick me up and then drive to Minnesota for my cousin's wedding. They also paid for a plane ticket for me to go there in September. It feels good to know that they really do care, but I could see myself getting kind of smothered by them soon. I hang out with people like a couple times a year (including family), this could become overwhelming to me. I feel bad about that. I want to feel happy that my relationship with them seems to be improving and I don't want to go back to the way things were before. This is the most contact I've had with them in ten years really.

I'm tapering off of citalopram and am going to start Cymbalta in a week. I hope SNRIs will be better than SSRIs for me. I'm also going to start DBT along with the CBT. I'm starting to look into going back to school for the spring semester of 2010.

Things seem like they're finally looking up, but why do I still feel so awful? I know that I need more friends around here (well, any actually), but I have no idea how to go about doing that. I got a 1 day suspension for work for missing so many days and I really don't like leaving my apartment much. I'm kind of scared I'm going to be like this forever.

At this point I don't even care about being happy anymore, I just don't want to be so unhappy and fucking emo.

I am pretty happy now - no more fighting with my mum! We have made up, have a new found respect for each other and even understand each other a bit more since coming across this hurdle.

I think it takes her a bit of getting used to how up front i have become over the last couple years, and how i don't hold back from speaking my mind now. I think she has gone from trying to prevent it/hold me back to appreciating it and actually feeling proud of it.

My fiance Will actually ended up getting on the phone to my mother and totally stood up for me as well. I wasn't there when he spoke to her, but from what i understand he really told her how it is and made it clear that by her striving so hard for my sisters affections, and pushing me aside because she thinks i will always be there is actually causing more damage than what she realises. No one has ever stood up for me, so for the man i plan to marry to actually do it without any hesitation really does prove to me that he truly is the one for me. Not that i ever doubted that, but a lot has happened in the past and for him to now show that he is going to man up and protect me, i can't even explain how that makes me feel...

As far as my sister, she's a lost cause and i have completely come to terms with it now. I need to be the bigger person for now on and not let her effect me. I saw my little niece last night though, and she came running up to me so excitedly and gave me a big smooch and kiss. It chocked me up, as i didn't think she would even remember me since it's been months since she has seen me since my sister refuses to let me have anything to do with her, and she's only 2 years old. She was in mum's care last night so when i dropped in to see her, i got to see my niece too!

She is such a darling little girl... i am so clucky. haha. Might have to get another puppy to tie me over for a bit longer... I already have 2. Oh geeze.

What a gorgeous day - i think it's time to take the kids aka dogs to the creek for a shwim!

Yeah i know, I have a boring blog. sorry to those who cared to read it

I cant go out to clubs yet. Too many people, too many things could go wrong.

But Yum Cha was a good start.

haha

GET IT INTO YA

haha

sounds good doesn't it

I'm looking for the right words
Beautiful, enrapturing
Perfectly descriptive
Ones never heard

Before I was lost in my
Shell of a body
Hatred flowing ambiguously
Now it flows righteously

I need a phrase so
Meticulously planned
One so lovely and extravagant
Like a garden sown

Then it struck me fine
I didn't need to find
The words That I needed
The were here in these rhymes

The last month or so I have felt like one of those cartoons where the character's feet are moving like they are running really fast but they aren't going anywhere......
Even though I am not really getting out and doing alot, I feel like I'm going going going.
Maybe its the move......
That nagging thought that just won't leave me alone- that there is so much to do in my new place but I'm just not doing it
I almost just want to throw all of the unpacked boxes in a corner and say 'screw it'. If it was really all that important I probably would have unpacked them......
That is the new plan- shove it all in a closet.

I don't know if I've ever had 9 months clean b4, but today I am craving stimulants or entactogens.

Also, I miss my old long gone drug buddies. Man, those were the days of my life! It was gr8.

I was thinking of this for the past several hours and couldn't bring myself to lose the thought.

All of my life, I've been all sorts of different. I've been extremely intelligent to the point of not realizing that school was supposed to be challenging. I've been Jewish in a Christan world. I've been mystical in a religious world. I've been a drug user in a Prohibitionist world, an addict in a casual world and a casual in an addict's world. While most people were trying to rip into life and race to the degree, I've been climbing the Ivory Tower, much to everyone's chagrin.

It's not like I want to stay out of college, or have a normal life, or just have people fucking understand me without me struggling to pick different phrasings. I'm not even sure I want to seek knowledge that is more than one needs to know. I just can't fucking help it. The answers I was given as a child weren't enough, so I had to ask more questions, and get more incomplete answers, and ask more questions. So many fucking questions until I realized that no one could answer the questions that I was asking. I was asking the wrong questions. I didn't really understand the gravity of what I was asking, and no one else did, either.

I was told I was insane, and that I had the folly of youth on top of that. I was told repeatedly that I had a spiritual malady - which I may have had, but the questions are still there. I was told that my brain was fundamentally wired in a manner that I could never understand social mores or how society worked. All of that I have accepted as true, and all of it I have realized as excuses because no one wants to think about the answers to the really hard questions in life, like why people are intentionally cruel and hypocritical and intentionally give up their empathy when I had to work so hard to fake mine...

I have Bipolar Mania which I am currently medicate for and am turning 22 next month - both charges I am indeed guilty of. But I've been given the gift of conviction and the time to tell enough people what I'm figuring out for myself. I may had have drug addiction, yes. As a result, though, I've learned what it really means to be spiritually Jewish in my heart - keep fucking arguing until you grok what's going on, even if it seems impossible to grok. Face value washes off with the mascara. I have Asperger's Disorder. Look it up. I'm not going to give you the diagnosis criteria on a silver platter anymore. But precisely because I lack the empathy of most humans is how I can see the cogs and gears of human probability and societal function.

You see, I took many hard looks at humanity, and became fucking disgusted and withdrew to a world of fantasy, Cartoon Network, anime - Dragonball Z.

Now, You've probably stopped reading at this point. If you haven't, congrats.

Now, there's a pivotal moment at the very end of the series when the main character, Goku, summons something called a Spirit Bomb, which by itself has no power. You see, it gains its power from the excess life energy of those who choose to donate to it. In this case, Goku was fighting a monster that could only be compared to Satan himself called Buu. Goku begged for energy from everyone on the Planet Earth for his Spirit Bomb because no single being alive was strong enough to kill Buu at this point in time. He begged and begged, yet a lot of people were afraid to listen. Eventually, every single person on Earth lent Goku the life-force they were able to spare.

But it wasn't enough. The monster, Buu, was able to control the combined life energy of almost every single person on Earth and almost killed our hero. It was at that point Goku realized he had made a fatal miscalculation that almost cost everyone their existences - Goku hadn't put any of his own energy into this Spirit Bomb. With that, he took control, and with the support of every single being on the planet behind him, he puts every shred of his own energy into the Spirit Bomb and vaporizes the evil incarnate.

You may be saying, "Well, what was the point of that? It's a pretty story, but that's not how it went at all! You missed X detail and Y section and Z ZZZZZZ characters..."

Here's my point:We all have to join our efforts together to make this place a little better for those who come after us, as well as realizing that we have to do it for ourselves as well.

ZOMG, Hippie BS! tl;dr! Fucking anime whackjob who's obsessed with tentacle rape!

Yes I am. But I am also human...I have an investment in this world, and I'm not going to let ANYONE fuck it up for me! If that means helping people out, so be it. You, the reader(if you're still here at this point) have an investment, too. Fucking act like it, or you may be in the same situation as Goku, trying to help and control something that ends up controlling you.

I don't even know why I continue to come here. It's a habit. I don't even like it anymore. I don't like the posters. No one has any qualities that appeal to me and the trolls suck.

I should just cut the cord.

BAN ME

I’ve seen alcoholics
On the T.V. and in the movies
On the street corners and in the parks
…Yeah…
I’ve seen one or two in my life
In rehab and in hospitals
Let me tell you son
I’ve seen an alcoholic

It is just so damn good. I really need to stop after tonight though. I am so fuckin chill and hyper at the same time. I am THE perfect medium.

It is absolutely insane how every single high is different in it's own special way.

I love the entire fucking world.

Mehpedrone is so fucking good that you can't eveln believe that you are feeling this good. You are actually in denial that you are feeling the way you are. You know what you are feeling but you absolutely 100% don't believe it one bit.

I am so excited to meet my friend Daniel.

How can I feel so unthinkably,unspeakable,unimaginably close to someone I've never actually met.

I love the world.

Chewing chewing chewing gum all day long!

Why not shout a silent ___?

something

inside, its turning. revolving amidst an earth

unperceived

but judged by many.

A lack of sunlight shouldnt ever be seen as un-enlight..


a hearth, this lands magma-- warm inside with polar shards gracing.

like tie-dye --- swirling tree tops.. worlds of oceans greenery.

------------------------------------------
Part 2 soon.....

They informed me that there would soon be a judicial meeting.That night I was VERY depressed, so I went to the college campus that my ex boyfriend and my some of my friends went to. I got more drunk than I had ever been in my life. I drank 12 shot in 1 or 2 hours, that’s a lot for 110 pds (at the time) girl. I was sick 3 times and blacked out that night. Thank goodness Ryan (my ex, who I was still friends with) was there to take care of me. I will forever owe him. It was my first college experience, without even being enrolled.

Later I got a call from the Presiding Overseeer he asked me to come and meet him and 2 other elders. I had really thought about it. I had even said a prayer to Jehovah for his forgiveness and guidance. I dresses up unlike the 1st meeting and took my Bible, unlike the first time. I showed I was sorry, and I understand why we have these rules. The brothers talked to me for over an hour, eventually they asked me to go outside auditorium while they talked it over. Not soon after they asked me to come and answer a question. They asked if I would give up my relationship with the “worldly” guy I was seeing. I thought about how much I love my ex; I said I didn't think I could. I knew that sealed it. They sent me back out, they spent a lot of time talking, I could hear them but not what they are saying. All I heard, was them say a prayer to Jehovah God before they started and I thought I heard one of the brothers say it was close, like they couldn't decide. Then they called me back in, I knew by the tone the brother used when he called me back in that it wasn't good. He sounded sad. They told me they had decided to disfellows me because I will not discontinue my relationship with this person so they feel that the fornication will continue. Man that was depressing. I didn't say anything while they went through the rest of the stuff, already knowing that it wasn't worth pleading my case to them about it. I just nodded, they dismissed me, I said thank you and left, knowing that, that maybe be the last time I walk out of those Kingdom Hall doors. I felt betrayed by the people I trusted to have my best interest in mind. I was repentant and cooperative or I wouldn’t have shown up all put together and with my Bible to read out on and confessed to my sins. I really wanted to stay in the congregation but didn’t feel that I was strong enough willed to terminate it right away. I think I said that I wasn’t “ready to end it AT THAT MOMENT”, which to me implied that I would be at some point. I really was asking for their guidance and help to make it through all this mess but no, they decided I was a lost cause.

Later, I started the relationship with Ryan (my ex and now ex-fiancé again, sometimes I just doesn’t work. But we were together for like 2 more years) again, it’s was the best
thing that has happened to me, a lot better than the situation I was within the Jehovah’s Witnesses! He is far more attentive than he was before. I started college spring 2006 and was very excited to leave home and also I get to be closer to him at the time. Plus have theopportunity to actually go to college and have the possibility of having an actual career that I might like and make a difference in (psychology). My mother was very happy with this choice.

I had to look for a new job so that I no longer had to interact with witnesses at all, since they can’t really talk to me. I guess they can as little as possible if I had to talk to them to for them you kind of need to. Plus I needed more hours and more money since I wasn’t out in field service anymore. Seeing that I didn’t appeal I am now disfellowshiped and enjoying it. I NEVER want to be part of that cult again. I’ve learned so much outside that they never told me. And now things are easier at times. All in all, life is OK.

And of course I’m not with Ryan anymore. He is my ex fiancé. I have had several relationships, enjoying being able to date. Have transferred colleges and moved back home. I’ve had many jobs as well. Things always seems to be changing. But now I am no longer concerned with religion and what comes after we die. Personally I think many people get wrapped up like I did when I was a JW, worrying and planning for what comes after this life that they don’t spend enough time living this one. What happens if there is nothing after this? You will have wasted your only chance for life and happiness. I try to live life to the fullest and try to be a good person and I figure that it good enough for me. I don’t follow any religion at all. I have become comfortable with “I don’t know” when it comes to all the questions that religious organizations try to explain.

So I decided that I wanted to get baptized on May7, 2005. We were done with our “Knowledge” book and started on the “Worship” book. Completion is required for baptism. I really did some searching in my heart, and realized that I need to prove that I was doing this for Jehovah and not for this “brother” (Tony) just like everyone thought I was and also to myself too. So I broke it off, which I communicated was temporary, just for a few months till I got things in order.


It was difficult but it was what I thought I needed to do. Months before the time I was to be baptized I started looking over the questions and I was ready to go by the time came; it seemed like a long time coming. When I was baptized, it was a wonderful moment for me. I was baptized in my local Kingdom Hall with everyone gathered around, in a big horse trough. I had made many changes but I was there.

I soon found out that Tony had found someone else, not even 2 weeks after we broke up he was dating a sister from his hall. “So much for saying you loved me and wanted to marry me you jerk!” I also found out that he wasn't well off spiritually; he didn't make it to meetings and hardly was in service, he lied to me! Just about
everything he had EVER told me about anything was a lie!


I wasn't happy. I found out that he married that sister after 3 months of dating. Not many attended the wedding which the
elders ruled could not be held in the kingdom hall due to the fact they did not approve. This was the same girl that he was all “buddy buddy” with a hanging out with, but he told me that he and he had told me that they were JUST friends with her. I call BS.

He and the girl he was with quit the jobs they were doing for Josh and Heather who owned a floor cleaning business. I later worked for them cleaning grocery store floors at night. Taking the jobs that Tony and his new wife did. I had started so that I might be able to pioneer, be full time going to door to door.

At the end of the month I graduated from high school, I told my mom
that I didn't want to go to college, but I wanted to pioneer. That made her very upset, she told me that if I was going to live in her
house that it would cost me 200 dollars a month. I was shocked that she would do that to me. “What was I going to do?”

I quit my job and I picked up the jobs, as well as one more. I though it was a great idea, because Tony had a past history of quitting a job and then coming back later and taking it back. Well this way it wasn't going to happen and I thought I was funny.

I was an Aux Pioneer so I ended up getting a busy schedule. Sunday morning was meeting and then a nap, and then help another sister clean floors till 12:30am - 1:00am, so I told Monday off, then Tues, I was out in service till 3 pm and then went and cleaned a Radio Station for a hour, a job another sister ( Vicky) gave me because her and her husband would be assisting another congregation and they couldn't do it. Wed. I was out in service 9 pm -3 pm and work 9 pm-12 am cleaning floors at another local grocery store. Thurs it was service till 3 pm and them meeting, Fridays it was just service till 3 pm. Sat in was service till 12 pm or 3 pm and then a nap and then work from 9 pm- 12 am and then get up and do it all over again. It really wore me out and the rejection you get every day at the door made the depression come back, it had been gone for months, the longest I can remember since I was 10 years old.

Yet I signed up if Continue Auxiliary Pioneering and then the doubts started. “Is this what I want?” I wasn't happy, I felt pushed to "Do more in Jehovah's service". I wasn't married and didn't have a family. I felt like I didn't have an excuse, make more time, work
harder! Although this was never said to me it seemed to be the attitude that everyone had, if you weren't a pioneer or a Ministerial servant or an elder you weren't doing enough and you were looked down on. This certainly didn’t help the fact that I had grown up always feeling like no matter what I did it was never good enough.

I was lonely, I wanted a companion. But the type of brother that they wanted for me, the MS or elder won't have any interest in me. I felt unhappy. I was 18 and unmarried, which in my congregation was kind of strange. Many people got married at 18 and 19. And I for some reason had a serious problem with sexual desire
that I was sure would be there for the rest of my life because I believe that I would never get married; therefore, well I can't really fix it.

Then I received an e-mail from my ex Ryan. I had locked up all my feelings for him, and this e-mail was like a floodgate. I still loved him so much! I wanted to be with him. I soon started talking to him on the phone, I witnessed to him and he responded, I sent him a brochure and magazine to where he was staying for the summer. I was falling harder for him. But he was “worldly” (In the ways of the world lacking the direction of Jehovah God) and talked about worldly things such as drinking with his college friends and other things. (JWs believe drunkenness is a sin). I wanted that excitement and fun.

I couldn't deal with it. I needed to do something. One night it got the best of me and I decided to drink, I drank too much and drunk dialed him. I felt so bad. I had seriously broke one of Jehovah's laws and I was a mess.I went to Jen, and confessed all the problems; she called Paul into the room, who was an elder, to reprimanded me. I spent a lot of time crying, they prayed to Jehovah with me, because the guilt kept me from praying. I didn’t feel worthy of speaking to God. I never really did overcome my problems with prayer.

I separated myself from him again, determined to serve Jehovah.I continued to struggle, go to meeting and go out in service, but I was depressed and could hardly get out of bed. But I kept at it.

One night I called him again, I just felt so torn between my heart ( which I was read scripture after scripture about) and serving Jehovah. One night a song on the radio got me, “Listen to your
heart, when he’s calling to you. Listen to your heart, there’s nothing else you can do." I thought that people in the world have in easy, all they have to worry about it seems, is to find love and I have it. I love him and he has always loved me.

I started talking to Ryan again. I opened up and told him how I felt, he told her that I don't want me to leave “the truth” because he knows I am happy there, but he loves me so much and he wants to be with me. I played along for awhile, meetings, service, till I couldn't take it anymore. One day a brother told me that I was so loud and obnoxious that I will never get any one (while I'm sure that applied more to him than anyone) but that made me think. I have someone that loves me. I may never find anyone else? I'm not going to let it go.

I went to a few more meetings, till Paul and Jen were out of town. I quit going to meetings and quit returning phone calls from the brothers and sisters. Till Diane tracked me down when I was doing a job cleaning for her daughter, she confronted me, I told her that I didn't want to be a witness anymore, because I didn't want people telling me what to do. I wanted to do what is going to make me happy. She told me that people didn’t, Jehovah did. I told her that I didn't even want God telling me what to do. I am adult and I can make my own choices. She told me that I'm not handling it like an adult but like a child, and later left to return with Danny who wanted to talk to me, he was also an elder. I had the
same discussion with him. Diane spent a lot of the time crying and angry. And said she couldn't take it any more and stormed out. I later got an e-mail from Kara , about the situation.

Soon Ryan came back to college and I spent time with him. I had sex with him, got drunk and took up smoking again. I just didn't care; I didn't want to be told what I can and can't do. If I want to, I will. I continued to work at the jobs I had. Jen showed up one night when I was getting ready to start work. She had talked with Heather (her brother’s wife) who was working with me and said that Jennifer needed to talk to me.

I had the same talk with her as everyone else. She asked me to come back. I said "Why so they can me?" she informed me that they could do that even if I didn't come back. She encouraged me to meet with the elders when they called and wanted to talk to me. She cried and left very upset and angry also.

I got another phone call from a sister in hall, wondering if it was something SHE said was the reason why I didn’t want to come back. Although she was misinformed about the Tony and talked about him like he was the best person on earth. I told her that it had nothing to do with it, which it didn’t.

Later Paul called, asked me to meet with him and the Presiding Overseer, I agreed. I went to talk to them. He said he was sorry if he was ever pushing me. We talked for awhile and then it came to asking me what I meant about that they would disfellowship me (cut from the other people in the congregation. I’m not allowed to associate or talk to me or really me them. If they would after the public announcement of my disfellowshipment, they risk the same fate). I confessed everything. Repeated smoking and drunkenness (although drinking in moderation is allowed), and fornication are where my sins. These are considered MAJOR sins against Jehovah.

**I'm looking forward to any comments on this. Its a long one, I know.




My Year with the Jehovah’s Witnesses

I came in contact with a witness in Sept 2004. I had one of the worst days of my life. My brother Drew and I had gotten into a fight that day. He punched me in the head and broke his hand. I also had a bad day at school and I had to work. Just before I clocked in my boyfriend of nearly 2 years (Ryan) called and broke up with me. (We did get back together soon after.) I was bound and determined that I would get through this shift, and then go home and end it all. I had battled depression for many years and had previous suicide attempts and an inpatient hospital stay. I was 17 at this time.

Then a person I had never seen before came into the grocery store where I worked I soon learned that he worked there, but didn't have a uniform because he cleaned the floors. He (Tony) was really sweet to me. He later witnessed to me about God having a name and that name was Jehovah. This was completely new to me and I wanted to know more, maybe part of it was because I liked him.

I told him a lot of things that made me wonder why he even bothered still talking about Jehovah. I was a very open person, and soon told him that I was bisexual. I guess we never really talked about it. But I was living a life way out of line where the Jehovah’s Witnesses are concerned.

I would talk to me every day I worked and told me more about the witnesses, a relationship developed. I had mentioned him to my mom and she had said that the witness don't take blood so we talked about that. Soon he gave me a “Require” brochure. It covers the basic teachings of the Jehovah’s Witnesses and they things they believe Jehovah God requires of us. I was overjoyed, I read it over and over.

I left my boyfriend. He was in college and never aroundand didn't pay much attention to me, this guy did. I really liked him, so I consented to a Bible study, quit smoking, quit having sex, and quit going to the Methodist church, hoping it would keep things were I wanted them. Tony gave me my first copy of the New World Translation (NWT, the addition of the Bible the Jehovah’s Witnesses use).

My first study took place in the sit down area of the grocery store after work that October. I studied with a pioneer (full time preaching work, door to door) sister (baptized Jehovah’s Witnesses call each other brother and sister) named Jennifer. Our first 1 hour study we went through 3 lessons, which is quite quick for a Bible study. The following Sunday I was at the meeting at the Kingdom Hall (In order to show that they are separate from the rest of the world, JWs call their services “meetings” and their church a “Kingdom Hall”, which comes from the fact that they are waiting Jehovah to set up his Kingdom on earth).

Within a week or 2 I had finished the “Require” brochure and was on to the “Knowledge “book, a more in depth look into the beliefs of the JWs. I was attending all the meetings, several times a week.

My relationship with Tony progressed as well. We talked for hours on the phone every night; he was encouraging and seemed to really love Jehovah God. The more I was learning from the meetings the more I wanted to learn, although my mother had read up on the beliefs. She was opposed and gave me apostate (somebody who renounces a belief or allegiance) material. I took to the sister that I studied with (Jennifer). She explained to me, with the help of her mother (Diane) who because my "spiritual mother".

Halloween came around and I decided that I would not celebrate it as JWs do not believe in celebrating ANY of the normal holidays. I became a beacon of hope to the congregation, that there were still people out there that wanted “the truth” (this is what JWs call their beliefs).

The members of the congregation became my family, Jennifer and her husband Paul, who was an elder, were both pioneers and invited me into their home. I enjoyed being away from the constant fight of my family. Jennifer’s parents, Diane and Danny also were close to me, my "spiritual parents" because Paul and Jen
when in their 30s and didn't want to think that it would be possible to have kids my age. They preferred just to think of their dog as
their kid. Kara (Related to Paul and Jennifer) was my age, and graduated from high school a year before me was also a pioneer. I even had some in the congregation call me their adopted granddaughter. I finally got the love and acceptance that always seemed to be lacking in my life and relationships.

So many were impressed by my rapid progress, a month or 2 after my 1st study I enrolled in the ministry school and became a publisher (a person who goes out in “field service”, door to door ministry work. Talking to people and providing them with organizational magazines about “the truth”, but not full-time like a “pioneer”).

I was up every Saturday to go out in service, because of school I couldn't be out during the week. But at school, I was the "only" Jehovah’s Witnesses. There was one brother, but he wasn't in school much because he was taking courses at our local college. There was another guy who claimed to be a JW but didn’t really follow the guide lines set out for us.

I made my school my own territory (the area in which you are to try to contact people and tell them about “the truth”), and increased time with informal (not door to door) witnessing. It earned me a lot of persecution.

The relationship Tony grew. I knew a lot about him and his family, or so I thought. I found out later that a lot of what he told me were lies, so I’m not sure I know anything. A few months after he met me, he was talking about marriage. He told me how the witnesses viewed dating with much seriousness. You don’t date a person you can’t see yourself married to. I thought that the right thing was to go along. But since I shouldn't be dating yet because I wouldn't be 18 for a few months we needed to keep in under wraps. He gave me a box with an engagement ring in it, to show me what he hoped for our future. But you know teenage girls; he was all I could talk about. And soon there were questions from Jen and Paul. Paul told me that I should marry an young elder or an ministerial servant and Tony (I attended his baptism at the circuit assembly before I became a publisher) was neither. I ignored the counsel, they didn't know him like I did, and he just hasn't had the time. I told myself that the idea that I should marry an elder or something was crazy because I was so new to “the truth” that they wouldn’t believe that I was grounded enough in it.

The Jehovah’s Witnesses put a lot of emphasize on marriage. If you aren’t married you are alone. Many people get married soon after they turn 18. I also wanted the love, and unconditional acceptance and loyalty that would come with marriage. JWs don’t believe in divorce outside of cases of abuse or a husband refusing to care for his family. I suppose I was attracted to this in that I would never be alone and rejected again.

I continued to progress, Christmas time came around and I decided that I would not participate if I had a choice. I chose to do the Christmas things at school for choir and orchestra because it possibly could affect my grade. However I see now that I might have no wanted to let go off everything I have grown up doing during the holidays. However I did give up Christmas at home. My mother was VERY angry about this. My parents are divorced and remarried, she told me that me not sharing Christmas with the family was worse that my father leaving. It was very difficult from both sides.

That winter I had a car accident on an icy road. I hit a drain area on the curb and it made the air bags go off and broke the axle in my car. It had to be towed back to my house. I had the skin on my neck literally ripped off by the air bag, because of my height it actually caused more injury than it prevented. I wasn't sure what I was going to do, I had no way of getting to meetings. Tony bought a car for me, and even came and dropped it off. I decided that I couldn't take the car, and that he would have to figure out something to do with it, so he sold the car he already had and drove the one he
bought.

Paul and Jen picked me up for all the meetings. Paul even fixed my car for nearly nothing. And then when they were gone on a
trip, I wreaked in again. I'm not a very good driver; I had 2 accidents before these as well. With this one, I pulled out in front of someone and she hit the back of my car, insurance paid for hers but it was just body damage on both.

At some point in this mess I had turned 18; I didn't really come out with my relationship because I knew that some were against it. But Jen younger brother Josh who Tony had his Bible studies with before he was baptized didn't like it. He counseled Tony many times about it. I was hoping that he wouldn't say much to the Jen.

I had abandoned my dreams of going to college to be a vet; I wanted to marry Tony and pioneer with him. (Which was what he had lied to me and told me he was going out in field service). We met with Diane and Danny and discussed our relationship (I later found out that he had mislead them into thinking that this interest just started). They counseled us on the admonition to “marry only in the Lord” meaning we should wait till I was baptized to begin anything. They obviously didn't get the right information about the relationship.

yesterday was the love of my lifes birthday. i dont know what it is about birthdays; but i LOVE them. we woke at 4am and sat up in bed together while he opened all of his gifts and drank coffee. it was amazing to see him so excited and happy.

keeping up with birthday tradition we made love and i rushed downstairs afterwards to cook him a BLT (favourite breakfast sandwich) and make a kickass banana, yogurt and honey breakfast smoothie. i demanded he stay in bed to eat; as breakfasts in bed at our house are somewhat limited to when youre sick and special occasions; i was rapt that he happily obliged.

little miss woke not long afterwards and climbed into bed with us for cuddles and to give her daddy his gift. we could have stayed there ALL day; just talking, laughing and being together; but life called and we got organised to go to work and school.

the mr and i were smsing each other during intervals in the day; smushy messages of love and celebration (which always help the day to go faster; and with yearning to be together). i was itching to get home so badly; and when i did, i answered the door to see him all dressed up and ready for dinner. i love my husband. when he is in business attire or after 5 wear; my heart still manages to skip a beat or 3; hes the sexiest man on the planet.

we had a lovely dinner at a 5 star restaurant in surfers with family and close friends and ate like idiots. they had a dessert buffet, which included a chocolate fountain with fruit, marshmellows, nuts and pieces of nougat that you had to skewer and let run under the stream of chocolate. it was heavenly. i ate a passionfruit panna cotta, chocolate mousse, cream brulee and chocolate cream filled profitteroles; after the mudcrab and salad the mr and i shared together (not to mention the stomach ache that soon followed ).

we bid everyone goodnight and thanked them for coming. i had made little lolly boxes for our guests, out of noodle boxes i had stuffed with cellophane and lollies; with ribbons on the handles and headed home. the little lady (full of chocolate) was put to bed; and we followed soon there after; for cuddles.

happy birthday honey.

Well, I've been enjoying heroin of late. I don't use it more than three days consecutively in order to avoid a physical habit (we'll see how long that lasts).

I prefer the rush of IV coke over IV heroin but the heroin high lasts MUCH longer and doesn't have a comedown. I believe that this is due to my low tolerance.

This stuff seems to balance me. I feel more empathetic, considerate, and stable when I'm high. I know that it is a lie and eventually this shit will change on me just like the coke did.

When high on H I actually feel confident concerning my ability to quit drugs altogether. Ha! I see through that lie as well.

I know that as soon as I wake up tomorrow I will be thinking of getting high later tomorrow night.

I know that I won't stop thinking about getting high until I get some coke.

After using some coke I will still think about getting high.

After the coke is all gone I will be thinking about getting high.

When I wake up the next day I will be thinking about getting high with the addition of guesstimating how many days is long enough to do H again.

Circles are balanced, right? This circle I've outlined above is drawn much too perfect. When I crash I believe I will see this perfect circle for what it is... ...a distorted, unrecognizable shape of confusion and lies.

I must keep this 'balance' in check and recognize that I have been lying to myself without caring due to the pleasantness that makes these lies endurable.

When can I tell myself that it is over? The word scares me. 'Over' is too final. 'Over' will mean forced change. 'Over' will mean tears. 'Over' scares the shit out of me.

JUST FUCKING STOP ALREADY YOU STUPID FUCK!!!

“Are you healthy and are you happy?”, she said, in her kind voice with its lingering traces of Scottishness, she being my mum’s friend L, the occasion being my mum’s birthday meal at a local restaurant.
The question was directed at me. Health and happiness. It didn’t sound that appealing. In my twisted brain it sounded very ‘middle-class’; with connotations of gym membership, a regular sleeping pattern and the pursuit of attainable goals in the world of work.
I simply smiled weakly, politely declining to answer. Then, for some reason unbeknownst to both my current and former selves, I winked at my dad. Coffees were ordered and the evening moved on.

The conversation is relevant and significant to me now, almost two years later, because it took place on the very day that I lost my own special version of health and happiness, although I was far from aware of this at the time.
I woke up that day, thinking that all I had to face was another hangover. As the afternoon wore on, however, I became increasingly agitated and restless. My drinking had been particularly heavy that summer, and sometimes my hangovers had been infused with a nasty element of anxiety, but they had been fuck all like this. I simply could not stay still. I would move back and forth from my bedroom to the bathroom, from my bed to the toilet. The change of scenery only brought momentary relief, as in half a minute the same insatiable, horrible desire was back again. Something was just not right, there was a terrifying glitch in the matrix. It was all around, everywhere I looked. The walls of my room, my reflection in the mirror, the late summer sunshine outside my window, it all told me that something was off. I could continue, but anyone likely to be reading this can probably already relate. It was in this state I had to go to my mum’s birthday meal.
The drive from my family home to the restaurant was one of those life experiences that I could have done without. Trying desperately to relax, I twisted and contorted my body, I writhed in my seat, moving around as much as I could without bringing attention to myself. Window open. Window closed. Hands on legs. Hand behind head. Talk to my dad about football? No, the idea of having to respond to conversation filled me with terror. Window open again. Please, fuck, let us get to the restaurant.
The only way I could envisage getting through the meal was to have another drink. Whether this was through a rational assumption that I must be suffering from alcohol withdrawal syndrome, or whether it was simply an instinctive desire, I’m not sure. But for the first time in my life, I did not just want a drink. I needed one.
Finally we arrived. As soon as the waiter came to give us the menus, I asked for a beer. He told me to wait as another waiter would be taking the drinks order, and made a jokey aside which I did not quite catch, probably mocking my eagerness to get the drinks in, no doubt interpreting it as normal, healthy student behaviour. Restaurant protocol was wreaking havoc with my very biology. When the beer came, I drank half of it in one swig. Half a minute later it was finished and I had started on a glass of sparkling wine. Already I could tell that I was going to make it, I was going to be OK.
How can I describe that sensation, the way that even a small amount of alcohol had soothed me? Some alcoholics talk about drinking themselves sobre in the morning, but it would be more apt to say that whilst most of my body remained in abject terror, a tiny part of me became deliciously tipsy, and it was just about possible to hide within this bit of myself. As I drank more, I felt this friendly, euphoric part of my brain grow in stature. Soon I was able to sit still, to eat, to converse; in short to function as a human being once again. It was even enjoyable for me to act as if everything is normal, in the same way an actor or a film star might enjoy performing their role in a play or film.
It was a real buzz that I got from those first few drinks. To have those awful feelings replaced by beautiful ones is something that stays with you for a long time, and it’s something that my brain will physically remember for perhaps even longer, in the form of positive reinforcement and cravings. My withdrawal was cured, and I felt what John O’Brien (author of Leaving Las Vegas) described as the ‘illusion of health and happiness’. But it was back again the next day, with a vengeance, and moreover the cogs had been set in motion, the process had begun which has brought me to where I am today; depressed/bored, sobre and craving, at a loss as to how to regain that health and that happiness I once enjoyed.

I have had the biggest fight with my mother today, and unfortunately it has been over how much of a bitch my older sister is.

My sister is married to an abusive and very controlling man, which has led her to being very rude and harsh with her family as she lacks so much control with her life. She suffers from a typical case of sibling rivalry, as she sees me not making the stupid mistakes that she has/is. My sister and i have no relationship at all due to the competitiveness as i can't stand the games she plays, and how nasty she tends to be. Her and her husband have caused a lot of upset for me over the years. I have always put up and put up, but that was my mistake. I let too much go on and now that i try to stand my ground no one wants a bar of it.

My mother herself has also been cut off from my sister a few years ago, and badly bad mouthed to friends and family. I was expected to make things better, to pass on messages for each of them to each other and if i ever dared to say i didn't want to do it anymore my mother would go nuts at me. Which i hate - i hate fighting with anyone.

Now that i am the one in the firing line with my sister, i guess my mum is relieved it's not her being targeted anymore. Mum also fears my sister not letting her see her granddaughter as my sister has a 2 year old girl. She has used the child as a way of getting what she wants from our parents, and because they know what my sister is like, they all obey.

A lot of games are getting played in my family too. My mother constantly brings my sister up to me and talks really highly of her to me all the time, no matter how much i have asked her not too. My sister at the last family gathering completely ignored me and in fact bitched about me to other relatives while i was there. I have been very hurt about this, but i am expected to 'get over it' and move on. While i am all for getting over things and moving on, i can't without closure. But mum says "you know how your sister is, she is weaker than you.... she can't apologize and face up to her actions." but that's not ok to me, because then my mother will constantly talk about her and her daughter and rub it all in my face.

Well it all came to a head today because mum started talking about my sister as usual, so i told her i don't appreciate it - she told me that i need to stop it, and i asked mum why doesn't she ever tell my sister to stop what she does? Why am i always expected to get over shit. And like i said, usually i do - but too much has gone on for me to just keep getting over it with my sister. My mum had the nerve to tell me she 'believes things when she see's them' so therefore she wont tell my sister to stop what she is doing. Even though she has done it to my mother a few years ago, but managed to stop when the baby was born because of all the help she needs from mum now.

I know we are all adults and it shouldn't be up to the parents to stop the fight now days, but it is different rules for me than it is with my sister. There have been times when i have told my sister to go fuck herself, so she would freak out thinking i was going to run to mum and tell her what she said to me (as if i would) so she'd call mum crying and going hysterical and get mum so worked up that she'd call me and blast me... it's like wtf??? I wasn't the one starting shit! Ugh... this is never ending. And so incredibly childish.

My mum and i have agreed to have nothing to do with each other. I am really hurt, but also very over the bullshit. I need a few days to pass already so i will feel better about everything... hopefully. Good luck to them all and their stupid bullshit. And they better think again if they think they can weasel back into my life once i have had my first child. No doubt they will and i will be expected to act like nothing is wrong, like usual.

i do miss my journal

the word journal just sounds

more thoughtful


now the word "blog" comes with some interesting requirements.

such as actually writing about something.

I decided yesterday to step down from all my positions on Bluelight. This board has been such a huge part of my life since I've joined and I wouldn't give up that time for anything, but now I feel like my time here is really putting a strain on my "real life" time.

I need to concentrate on me right now and bettering my future/health.

I'll always be around to some extent but not as a mod anymore.

It makes me kind of sad to do this, but I know it's for the best. Thanks to all the people that have made such a great impact on my life over the past years, you're wonderful.

I never liked the term blog, ever.

I usually adapt well to change but this never caught on for me.

So anyway, my journal went MIA for god knows how long and here I am with a BLOG.
I promise I'll come to terms with it, like all things. Over time.

I don't remember the last time i logged into my LJ.

If cleanliness is godliness, (if i type that out again, you have permission to hit report) then i guess convenience is key. Let's not forget about all the eggs being in one basket though, diversify, diversify. Within the .RU of course

Anyway, i think i was going to write about something.

Oh yeh, dear journal i got a new stick

The end.