Blogs

In hopes of building intrest in the Theme of the Month we decided to try the themes on a Bi-weekly basis.

I have a short list of Themes and dates I will include here.

We are open for suggestions for new Themes or comments on the Themes we have listed-

Let us know what you think!

*Pets-–October 1st-14th
* Colo(u)r –October 14th-31st
* Travel-November 1st-14th
* Food/Recipes-November 14th-30th
* Family- December 1st-14th
* Winter- December 14th-31st
* Life- January 1st-14th
* Photos- January 14th- 30th
* Happiness- February 1st -14th

too much thinking can ruin you, but that's the style.. chaos is in. imagining your death is almost a sentimental feeling. [rghost.ru/490454]

I wake up from sleeping the whole previous day feeling refreshed than a mother fucker.

I open the shades look at the sun, 8am.

I Aqquire a fat OZ of kush.

2pm Fill my oxycodone 10mg script

4pm nodding hard, watching the bears KICK SOME ASS, GO CUTLER, DA D DA BEARS!!!!

6pm get 2 grams of some raw coke

2am finish the coke, start smoking weed, cigs and poppin xanax so i aint get no come donw...

wild night yo

I keep going over things in mind and still can't figure out why my family hasn't offered to help in anyway. I know I need to get it out of my head or it will drive me crazy. But these are people that I have helped financially. Practicially raised my sister and younger brother. Paid for summer school for my sister, lawyers and bailbondsmans for my brother. I've put tires on my parents vehicles. Made phone calls, worked out problems, took two of my other brothers to anger management and drug and alcohol meeting three times a week. All that seems to be forgotton.

Not too much to blog about today.

Thankful for another day clean and for the BL people who allow me to vent.

I enjoy reading the blogs. I find them educational, entertaining, and some just plain scary. But it takes me away from my shit and lets me know I'm not alone.

Here's the tattoo I got, which I referred to in my previous entry. I've been taking really good care of it and haven't had any issues whatsoever. The artists really took care of me during the process sanitation-wise and told me what to in order to keep it healthy until it's done healing.



Also, I got a penis gun for my roommate since the only time she gets laid is when she rapes me while I'm trying to get some sleep. I keep it on my nightstand for when that happens, only she happened to get a hold of it and gave me a taste of my own medicine in this pic:



Here it is in non-extended form:

Today was a good day. No drugs, no alcohol. And I get yet another night at a safe house. Didn't get to hit a meeting though. I did get to talk to my best friend Donna who is the one that is putting me up. For now. We have been friends for 20 years and is very much a straight edge. Also she is an RN and knows my history and situation. It was very therap utic.
My brother took my 4 year old. Yippeeeeee!!! I can get some work done. I want to check housing and employment out of town. Send a few resumes out and do some blogging. Maybe work out or run. It's nice to have me time.
I also got to talk to my sweetie. He sounded good. Still would like to kick some ass though. He'll get his chance. Didn't think I would miss him so much. I hope to see him soon. I hope to be in a better spot when that happens. He tends to take on my problems and he doesn't deserve that. I need to do it. Well, got to get to work. Will blog later. Got to get to 50.

i was chatting with a few people at the same and i sent a naughty link to the wrong person on accident. oopsy

I just spent 5 minutes browsing through fonts until I found one I liked in notepad (I chose Adobe Callisto) because I wanted to look at pretty text while I wrote. EVEN though its not going to be in this font when I copy and paste it into my BL journal.

) Mephhhh )

Wuzzup wuzzup? I'm high in the sky. Fly! Thass wuzzzuuuuup!

I have a snap crack sound in my jaw from the last time I did the drownnne. And I was getting really annoyed with it the past few days. But to my suprise I just popped in a piece of Orbit Sweet Mint and that little snap crackle is pretty fantastic. :O) Its adds a little extra somethin somethin to my music. It's like when you're havin a good day and you have that little extra bounce in your step. Except I'm chillen in my bed :O) chewin gum and listening to music and talkin to gewd people :O).

"You have included 6 images in your message. You are limited to using 4 images so please go back and correct the problem and then continue again.
Images include use of smilies, the BB code tag and HTML <img> tags. The use of these is all subject to them being enabled by the administrator."

^^ Uhm exxxcuzze me..wut? I had to put a little round baby "o" nose in my smiley because I refuse let bluelight make me play favorites on what smiley gets to stay and what smiley must leave. Everyone should get to enjoy in the Meph fun! I'm startin a revolution. If everyone has to wear little round "o" clown noses then so be it. It makes the party that much greater. :O) Hah!

I'm a nursing student so I absoltely love peacticing my nursing skills on myself. I Just toook my Apacal pulse with my stethescole :) Counting the rhythm of my joyous heart for a minute is my favvorite. My Pulse was 130 ont he dot. I also took my blood pressure. I am pretty sure I didn't get the systolic(bottom number) right but I got 160/40.

Tonight I was outside smoking a cig when it really did start to dawn on me how good life is starting to finally get. I had been off junk before many times for various periods but I think now looking back what made it so hard to stay clean is that nothing was changing while I was clean so I figured why not use if shit's going to stay the same. But this time it's different. I got a call about that job on wed and I got it. I start on Monday and I can't fucking wait. I'm way stoked to start working. I am a little worried about a drug test, but I don't think she would have hired me on if they were going to test me. I just remember it saying on the app that they might drug test you so I'm guessing that means they don't test all employee's unless you give them reason to which fuck...if my interview took four hours I think they got a damn good enough impression.

Tonight I chilled with my little bro over my grandparents where I stay. The kid never stays the night here and I was teaching him how to design and draw tattoo's in his sketch book I got him as a project for me and him to spend time together. I told him he should just stay the night and we will do some other shit and chill. He said he wanted too and he could as long as I got him home before noon tomorrow because he has two football games he needs to be at. So we went and ate dinner, had some ice cream and rented the new X-men flick which honestly was very disappointing. I would not recommend it and I didn't think it was even worth the $1.08 rental it was.

Now as 3:00 A.M. arrives I need to get some sleep so goodnight BL. My next post should be sometime after Monday where I'll talk about how my first day on the job went.

im drunk as hell right now so excuse me but where am i. i am currently floating to music that reminds me of the past but feel above it all. only alcohol could explain such content. im lost in thought so lost.

So I've managed to learn how to chew imaginary gum...

But the question is... Can I now turn a full 1g bag of Mephedrone invisible as well???!?

i love survival makes even the simplest comforts seem amazing. nothing has ever humbled me so much as being homeless just surviving day to day. it really puts things into perspective makes you realize the true value of life. also helps you find yourself. as someone who has lost and found themselves many times before it was the most influential finding so far.

I hold a special place in my heart for you. There was a time in my life, long ago, that you don't even know about. It was full of darkness, fear and hatred. Yes - those evil things lived inside ME. But without even knowing it, you've set me freer than I've been since that time. With your smile, your laugh... your general presence, you've helped make me who I am today, and helped me to stay happier. And because of this, I can go forwards with the courage I have found inside myself to help others who are like I used to be. I can't work miracles but I can spread just a little bit more light around the place.
And it's because of you.
I love you.

And I couldn't be more glad of that! I think the last wedding I went to was when I was about 14 or 15 years old and then this year BAM! I was hit with 3 of them. It was actually supposed to be 4 but I'm skipping out on the one coming up this weekend.

I surprisingly did have a lot of fun at them (some more than others of course), but now I'm looking forward to weekends of just lazing around for a while.

The girl I hooked up with in rehab has been stayin' at my place since she got out.

Its nice. She's cool and my boredom has been alleviated by her company.

We drove 2 hours to pick up her 4 year old. He has been staying with his crack addict dad and it just wasn't a good situation.

She is going back home on Thursday and it looks like I'm going to have to hurt the father of this little boy.

I'd rather not resort to violence but this guy is a threat to her mental health, sobriety, economic well-being and any other positive thing she has in her life.

This poor little boy has been exposed to all the negative shit that comes with addiction. The fuckin' dude smokes his pipe right in front of the kid.

He has her cell phone and car and has been delaying the return of both. She needs these two items to help in getting a job.

I'll ask him ONCE for the keys and phone.

My boots are polished. My laces are tight.

Don't EVER fuck with those who are trying to get better.

I had a really good last week at work and this week has sucked, I’m at $200 after two shifts. There is no rhyme or reason to this job and it’s what I can’t take. I feel like the night is good or bad and it has nothing to do with me—I get lucky with customers and that’s out of my control, and some nights the customers seem to love me and other nights they don’t. I can wear the same clothes and say the same shit and do my hair and make up the same way and it doesn’t seem to make a difference.

What I hate is not even when I leave work with $100 but how much I feel like I failed myself and everyone there. I hate leaving work and not having made the club any money or having anything to tip anyone. It’s embarrassing and I feel like everyone thinks I suck at my job. If I’m just not hustling then I know it pisses them off, but if I’m hustling my ass off and no one is buying then it’s just embarrassing. It’s a really fucking bizarre situation to be a stripper—we are what makes the club money and if we make them money then they love us and if we don’t then we’re just a failure. But they have no respect or see any value in us unless we make them money; if we’re crying because we don’t have rent or some customer was a grabby asshole they tell us to go in the dressing room so we don’t scare the customers. To the customers we’re the same thing, they want as much as they can get for as cheap as they can get but they don’t give a shit about us, any skinny blonde stripper will pretty much do. Its fun and its fucking stressful to go into work knowing you could walk out with an infinite amount of money or you could walk out with nothing.

The highs and lows are also what I cannot deal with. At the gym my job was completely separate from who I was or how I saw myself. At the club I am basically working a sales job but the product I am selling is myself and so I can’t separate myself from it. Sometimes my night is filled with guys telling me over and over again how perfect I am and spending tons of money and I leave thinking I’m perfect and the hottest girl in the world. Other nights I can’t sell a dance to save my life and leave wondering what the fuck is wrong with me.

And within the club there is so much bullshit. I can’t work at my old club anymore after working at this new one… it’s so much easier to make money and the possibilities for making money are so much higher. And I can’t put up with the insanely ridiculous amount of drama that is there, the last night I worked I had a girl telling customers and the manager I had a disease. Drama is less at this club but its still there, and even though I tried really hard not get involved in it when I started working it was pretty much inevitable since I was dating someone that worked there. I hate working his nights because he is constantly fucking with my head and hurting me, I hate feeling like the bouncers or managers are thinking well we know how you got this job or laughing or sneering at me. I hate how his attitude towards me affects how I work or how I feel at the end of the day. And I hate that even though I’ve mostly kept to myself these past few weeks some of the fuck ups I made when I first fot there—getting so drunk I fell asleep on the sidewalk and had to get picked up by one of the bouncers and ask the manager to drive me back to my motel—people will not let it go. And even though I know that I could move on so much more easily and start over without all the bullshit from the other club running over if I quit and switched clubs, I don’t want to give him or anyone else that power to make me lose a job that I went through so much shit to get and is really fucking good most of the time.

I feel like this job is my life and there is nothing besides it—I worked at the gym more hours but they were NORMAL hours and so I felt like I had a life outside of it. I also had my family and my friends, neither if which I have anymore. Sometimes I feel like what I am doing is good and once I’m back in school next semester things will work out. Other times I feel like I’ve lost everything and have fucked up really fucking big somewhere along the way. I know I am pretty much building my life up from the ground but its hard for me to stop and look to see what I have accomplished most of the time. Three months ago I was sleeping on my friends couch with nothing but my car, now I have my own apartment. But it seems like so much shit is constantly coming up that I can never be settled. I don’t known if I just need time to sort it out or its never going to get there. But its not even the outside bullshit that really gets to me and makes me depressed, it’s the lack of relationships in my life. I’m realizing that I could make 20 grand and still go home depressed and come back to work the next night, because money is really not what has or ever will make me happy and this job is what I’m filling up my life with.

yeah 400mg is to much see attachment. if you disagree than let me know so I can offer further proof.

I want to be a psychonaut
And learn about the things
That can't be seen without a boost
From chemical based wings.
I want to be a psychonaut
And find somewhere I'm free
Going way down deeper than the time
I ate that 2C-B.
I must say it was quite delicious
(Not the pill - the feeling)
I could feel the world in new ways
I could feel the whole world healing.
I could hear the noises of a new enchanting scene
A world of new exciting things
Where I had never been.
Maybe I should quit the cannabis
This evil gateway drug
The cannabis is killing me
Like some black deadly bug.
(And as you know, I'm lying
To appeal to all the guys
Who don't agree with what I like -
They're lies, my people, LIES!)
To be psychonaut is 'bad'
It's foolish and naive
The very reason I'm lured in
It's not hard to believe.
So I will strap my helmet on
And venture somewhere new
To be a psychonaut is BAD
(And therefore thrilling too!)


By Me - she phoenix.
Peace and love to you all

the article

I'm sitting here in a hair salon in a small coal mining town two hours away from home. I came here to drop off the girl I've been seeing who I met in rehab.

She is feeling those feelings that us addicts feel when we return to our old stompin' grounds. This feeling is contagious so I may leave sooner than expected.

I'm glad her parents weren't home. She planned on chugging a beer as soon as she walked in the door. I'm not ok with that.

She has plans for us tonight but hasn't revealed them to me.

I've been around long enough to know that this isn't a good spot for me. I feel like she plans on using. She has a prescription for some potent stuff waiting for her tomorrow.

I can only hope for the best. I still have a bad feeling.

This isn't a good place for me. I can always leave if it starts to look the way I think its going to.

I gave her my knife for protection so I just have my boots to handle any 'tough guy' addicts I expect we'll be meeting.

I have 34 days clean today and will not fuck that up.

I hope she makes the right decisions. I can't be around people who use, PERIOD.

I wanted to make note of my intentions this season.

Truly believing in some psyche-spiritual __untangable healin'.

My intentions:
Take Neurotranmitter test- get my brain back together.

Go to 2 spiritual healers. One Akashic the other shaman.. Lets get my mind-body-soul speaking properly to eachother.

I intend on getting my stuff together- a proper budget. No more overdrafts! lol Getting paid weekly seems to make my bank account infinite except around thursdays when there is layover. haha

Lets be on time for everything, getting invoices out, orders out, emails, calls, everything.

Get in contact with extended family- if I feel disconnected and forgotten, maybe I should make myself known rather then have a feeling back in my mind of an orphan.

From this- clear my conscience, so that I may release every bit of ties to this world and experience another via sacred plants. It has been way too long- too too long.

Ultimately, I want to make this a fresher start of ambition and perseverance.

Today marked the beginning of my turn inwards......changing with the seasons.....
I always feel a need to reevaluate myself at this time of year ......
And to gather as much knowledge as possible to grow spiritually......
Harvest my spring and summer mental crop and let what has been used up or served its purpose, wilt away........
Today I welcomed the Sun into my Ascendants sign.....Now it will trine my sun, cross my Saturn, Jupiter,Moon,Ascendant, trine my Mercury and Mars and conjoin with Pluto.....Lots to look forward to.....
When the Sun hits the early part of Libra I always feel thankful......Makes me warm and fuzzy
Welcome Sun!

about a month ago in class, i was asked to chose one word that describes me. lackadaisical is the first word that popped into my head. it wasn't a very good choice since everyone else was creative jill or silly bob. not that it matters now since i withdrew from the program.

but i am still feeling the same way. i know i do not want to continue with the program i was in. and that i want to move back to OH to be with james as soon as i save up money. but i have no idea what i want to do when i get there.

do i want to continue with my masters in special ed? start a new bachelor's degree? go for my rather unpractical phd in educational psych? how will i support myself? if i move back, will we ever leave? can i handle being near all the reasons that prompted me to move cross country?

in other news, i am still waiting on the real wedding photos. its annoyed and frustrating.

i can't think of a more irrelevant question. Let's get to the more important aspects of the day's events.


Save remaining rolls for first rave on sat, consume mescaline now.

or

love flip.

ORRRR

love flip at rave.(doesn't sound good, for my first rave)


fucking decisions. now that's what life is about: choices, and how you make them.

that's what i tell people when they ask me to describe the effects of cactus tea. it's such a weird feeling, but so easily manageable.(at a typical dose) i could easily see a person using mescaline in a manner similar to the way a lot of marijuana users constantly blaze up. IF a readily available and easily accessible form of purified mesc was available...because i really don't see anyone drinking multiple doses of pedro tea throughout the day.

i knew this guy who had the opportunity to use peyote with a bunch of native american teens. he said they would just stay up all night, slowly munching away at the buttons, playing video games or whatever. i remember being shocked, always thinking that it was some highly sacred and religious ceremony. it probably really is, in the 'proper' traditional setting. maybe the younger generation of that specific tribe didn't follow what they were taught, if anything. shit if i was those kids i'd be abusing my legal right all the time too!

but yea, imagine not a bunch of kids with red eyes and reduced speech-capacity roaming around your highschool. instead you'd see kids all wide-eyed with larger pupils, grinning like they just won a million bucks non stop cruising around with that funny tweaker-walk.

i still haven't had any earth-shattering experiences with the stuff.(oh how i crave thee) but it can get intense, but so mellow. like waves of mellow-tense. so here i am, coming down from strong tea experience, munching down on the chunks i made it with, ready to call in sick to work in a few hours. delicious....autumn kicks ass already