Yeah, I fuck with myself.
I went to my first aftercare appointment today since my discharge from rehab. It was merely an evaluation and 'fill out paperwork' session.
I was told afterword that there is a waiting list for the Intensive Out-Patient (IOP) that I have qualified for. It could be well over a month before I can get in.
I was disappointed. I need help with this thing I'm tryin' to do and was looking forward to getting to the deep shit of my mind and emotions.
I had a case of the 'poor me' syndrome. I didn't get any therapeutic assistance from the dual-diagnosis unit I was placed in at rehab but figured it would be ok once I got into IOP.
Doesn't look like it'll happen so I need to bulldog through this on my own. Problem is that I'm not strong enough to bulldog yet.
I was close to using today. Very close. Instead I picked up another addict and we went to a meeting.
I was going to say 'fuck NA' and justify doing this on my own in true bulldog style but, once again, I'm not able to do this on my own.
It looks like self-sabotage is coming into the picture. I'm getting in my own way by thinking too much, by trying to 'rescue' others, by lying to myself, by being a coward.
I shared what was going on with me and feel much better. NA is my only hope right now. People in those rooms genuinely care about my well being. The ones who still exhibit manipulative, dope fiend behaviors are learning to stay the fuck away from me.
This shit is hard and I knew it would be (especially in the beginning).
It'll get easier. I just need to remember that new things are uncomfortable but 'new' is never long lasting.
I went to my first aftercare appointment today since my discharge from rehab. It was merely an evaluation and 'fill out paperwork' session.
I was told afterword that there is a waiting list for the Intensive Out-Patient (IOP) that I have qualified for. It could be well over a month before I can get in.
I was disappointed. I need help with this thing I'm tryin' to do and was looking forward to getting to the deep shit of my mind and emotions.
I had a case of the 'poor me' syndrome. I didn't get any therapeutic assistance from the dual-diagnosis unit I was placed in at rehab but figured it would be ok once I got into IOP.
Doesn't look like it'll happen so I need to bulldog through this on my own. Problem is that I'm not strong enough to bulldog yet.
I was close to using today. Very close. Instead I picked up another addict and we went to a meeting.
I was going to say 'fuck NA' and justify doing this on my own in true bulldog style but, once again, I'm not able to do this on my own.
It looks like self-sabotage is coming into the picture. I'm getting in my own way by thinking too much, by trying to 'rescue' others, by lying to myself, by being a coward.
I shared what was going on with me and feel much better. NA is my only hope right now. People in those rooms genuinely care about my well being. The ones who still exhibit manipulative, dope fiend behaviors are learning to stay the fuck away from me.
This shit is hard and I knew it would be (especially in the beginning).
It'll get easier. I just need to remember that new things are uncomfortable but 'new' is never long lasting.
