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What is stronger Methocarbamol or soma's? I have Methocarbamol and I want to know if they are the same as soma's?

I went along to my first NA meeting last night. Only about 6 people turned up, so it was quite a small relaxed group of people. There was even free coffee and cake, and I got a little keychain for being clean "just for today" hehe. I had a chance to briefly share my story with the group... I really do suck at public speaking. Everyone else sounded so insightful and profound, and there I was stuttering and not really knowing what to say! But I think I managed ok. Apparently there's another meeting on Tuesday which attracts more people, so I'll probably go along to that one too.

At this stage I'm still not sure if the NA approach is right for me, but I won't rush into any decisions. I'll keep attending the meetings for now. To be honest, their "total abstinence from drugs" policy doesn't sit well with me. I want to give up meth, but realistically I will probably be taking benzos long-term, and I don't really see a problem with having an occasional puff of weed! I had a chat with the group coordinator after the meeting, and he mentioned a few other drug services that are available in the city. Day programs, detox facilities, and that sort of stuff. Might be worth looking into.

18.10.2009 19:35 .

This sure is my first blog try after reading many on the net considering a lot of crap but also Homer Simpson. Youtube is fantastic.
Next time we are going to counsel music as a type of art, but this time something very special. There was, and, still is a lot of demos
recorded in there, youtube. Not demotapes, but those programmed pieces of computer art. There once was a art exhibition in our loved country,
Finland.

All kinds of platforms, C64, Amiga 500,1200,AGA and such as PC. Cultural revolution could be the name of the last 2 years of the PC
acceleration cards, even without the physics engines. But somehow the C64 still gets the best points, Algotechs brilliant "Sabrina:Boys"
mpg code wins the lottery with perfect idea, and the music. MFX should be cancelled even if it happens to be a cult. There still isn't
acceleration with the Byterapers who sure have the best ideas and has the longest winning spring ever. Doomsday shares the same also. Orange
has melted as a part of the CNCD family, which needs to be permanent. They don't seem as artificial artist anyhow anyway but will never
be a part of the Microsoft company haha. It is the secret of the carpet maker, who knows the idea, knows what happened to the loved
Commodore 64 and keeps it alive.

http://www.mediafire.com/?sharekey=b0f99d25cc6a1e4075a4fc82078ae6c8e04e75f6e8ebb871

Chimaero - Modern Evening Mix:

1. Glenn Wilson - Just Wanna Dance With You (Orig. Mix)
2. Josh Gabriel - Entanglement (Orig. Mix)
3. Luigi Rocca, Marshall, Libex - Black Moon (Orig. Mix)
4. Fer BR - Belle Funk
5. Milton Channels, Andrea Saenz, Sabastian Reza and Pablo Basel - Trip (Orig. Mix)
6. David August - Children (Orig. Mix)
7. Jay Lumen - Morning Cocktail (Orig. Mix)

I dunno about "Chimaero" as a name, just something random thru wiki. Some Greek town or something with -aero on the end, maybe something like Chimera?

Your love is my inspiration.
Never had someone who cared for me so much.
Love you so much that it hurts what I do to you.
You have the purest heart and purest soul.
You make me want to be human again.
A human with feelings, feelings for you.
Thank you for being in my life.

A beautiful ship, set your sails
Ignore the rocks and broken nails
In your passage, a lot of places
Transparent names, with blurry faces

Crash into shore, stay for awhile
Something here temps your smile
We can sail on a new ship
A vessel with rails, harder to grip

Stormy sea, calling your name
Intimate swells leave you the same
The rush of the ride, I understand
I want it to, yet hand in hand

Misplaced anchor left untouched
I will help you scrape the rust
Bare your skin under the moon
Come sunrise, we'll be there soon

Yesterday i got about 3 grams standard cubensis. i didnt trip that hard but the confusion and deep thought processes were there. gave me a good perspective on where i stand now. its like some massive cerebral knot was at least loosened. now im happy again with a plan to start fixing my life. Why cant everyone just sit down trip and think about whats really important? i think i need to do it a few more times before im fully ok.

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
Of bullshit lies you push on me
I once was lost, but now am found
Because my mind is free

T'was grace that taught my heart to fear
By trying to make me believe
How precious did that grace appear
By seeing how you deceive

Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have fallen and fought
My actions brought me safe thus far
Because I am all I've got

The Lord has promised good to me
But I read through his lies
He will my shield and portion be,
When Mary spreads her thighs

Yea when this flesh and heart shall fail
A physical life shall cease
Burn your book and silly veil
For my conscious will be released

When you die and god is not there
You will become the sun
You'll have no less days to sing god's lies
Then when you first begun

still i recoil like mace
in all the little moments that i pushed you away that i cant erase
every moment overflows with power

Staring up, bearing down
Shedding skin, but not yet frown
Tying the noose around my life
I kick the chair, while clinching the knife

Will this year be the one
Where I won't regret what I've done
Daily battle at Twenty Three,
Searching for my synchronicity

Playing with fire, tasting the flame
I cut the rope, but am never the same
Level myself with the scum of the earth
To show myself some kind of worth

Will this year be the one
Where I won't regret what I've done
Searching for a reason to be
I found a coward deep inside me

The newest theme is ............COLOR!

Tell us how color effects you-
What you love about color-
What your favorite color is-
How color is used in your life-
Whatever you want......


Enjoy...... Color!!!

I love telling this story about my boy...

Years ago, when I was successful, I had a house cleaner come in every other week to do her thing. She would bring her baby to my place and let him hang in his stroller while she cleaned.

My dog, Shaman, is fascinated by kids and smaller dogs and he would sit right next to the stroller while this girl worked on my place.

One day, she was upstairs vacuuming (her kid and Shaman were downstairs) and had her headphones on. She told me that she looked up to see my dog looking at her with a puzzled look on his face and he was whimpering. She took her headphones off and could hear her baby crying downstairs.

My boy recognized the baby's crying and apparently went upstairs to tell its mommy that something was amiss.

Nothing significant was wrong with the child but my boy made it a point to let the girl know that she should probably check it out.

When she told me this story I was filled with even more pride in Shaman's inherent goodness.

Pets aren't just pets. They are worthy companions that contribute to our daily lives in genuine ways.

Give me all you have to give
Give me the will you have to live
Perversions sneaking upon control
Don't let them take your soul

Push the limits one more time
Push the limits past the lines
Jump aboard that mighty steed
Ignore yourself as you bleed

Above the worst below the best
Above your will comes the test
A casual pull and careful push
Feel your grip turn to mush

Path of a coward left in dust
Path of a child left to rust
Forgive yourself and do it again
You are your only friend

I treated DL up till 2 or so years ago. He came to my practice after his OD and multi-system shutdown. I reviewed all his records and told him what not to ever do again or it will kill him. Now I find out about this website...

I liked him as the creative individual he was. Little did I know he was manipulating me. He stopped speaking to me about a year or so ago. Then 1 week before he unexpectedly died he called me out of the clear blue wanting to get together. He told me what his "quack" physician had him on and I told him I would help him as much as I could. I truly believed he was ready to stop this dead end road and he was now ready to accept my help, which was offered years earlier. Back then, I think, he ceased communication because he knew I was about to nail him and left before I had the proof to address his addiction.

I have now read some of "phreex" posts and see things I told him taken out of context and now used to tell you all how to heighten effects of medications. Well, what I told him not to do he did...and it did----KILL HIM. I hope you learn this from him and forget everything else. If he ever educated any of you, please learn from his death and get the help you need.

I don't judge and I think that is why DL came back to me, ready to get his life back. I regret not having the time to help him.

I went to work today (I'm only scheduled on Monday's from 10 to 4) and the owner looked at me with a surprised look on his face and said "You're working today?".

I replied, "I thought so, you guys asked me to come in every Monday from 10 to 4"

"Oh!". he said, "You're not on the schedule"

WTF? I kinda suspected something was up last week when he paid me for the current week as well as the previous week.

I don't really care but it is kind of shitty not to tell me whats up. I told him that communication is important about stuff like this. His reply was that the 'schedule is the schedule'.

Not really. I was asked to be there on Mondays so thats what I have been doing. The schedule doesn't mean shit when I'm doing what was originally asked.

Oh well, what can ya do?

I have been sending my resume out but have to admit that I haven't been working as hard as I should at finding a job.

Anyway, I helped my 'boss' make a batch of dough and figured this would be a good opportunity to get involved in the volunteer work that I have been telling myself I would do.

I drove to where the local soup kitchen is in my town but couldn't find the actual place. I know the parking lot to be in but none of the buildings are marked.

I called my sponsor to see if he knew which door to which building I should be knocking on but he wasn't certain either.

After I hit the "Post Now" button, I'm going to Google the soup kitchen and get the exact address and head down tomorrow to throw in.

This has been on my mind for a while but I haven't been doing anything about it. I guess I just needed a kick in the ass to get me in the right direction.

I just hope I don't procrastinate further.

Yeah, I still think about using every day. I haven't and I am aware that it is simply not an option.

The thoughts come from nowhere and sometimes they occur and its as if I don't even have a drug problem. I know this is normal and that its the motherfucker inside of me who hates himself and will do whatever is necessary to come to the forefront of my being.

I was hanging with the two dudes in recovery that I usually hang with and they were saying how the obsession has been lifted for them. Not me. I told them that I don't see that twenty dollar bill in my pocket as money. I see it as a bag, a spike, a nickel of weed and three dollars gas.

I have 52 days clean (as of 10/12/09) and the one dude has 7 days, the other has 15 days.

I'm workin' hard at this but still have those thoughts of using every single day. I wonder if they are being honest about their obsessions.

I'm happy for them and a little jealous at the same time.

I'll get there in time. This is a gradual process with potential for great rewards.

Old head at the meeting tonight said that 'addicts like us want the benefits of hard labor without applying any effort'. Pretty fuckin' accurate if you ask me.

This is different from all those other times I was in the program. I am working fuckin' hard at this.

I am receiving my daily reprieve from active addiction. This is all that was promised to me. Anything else I get is just extra.

-----------------------------------------
EDIT: I just realized a moment ago that I have mentioned how hard I am working at this numerous times through posts and my blog. Who am I trying to convince? I am implementing a lot of change and following suggestions but why do I feel the need to point this out and say it so often? Am I really doing everything I need to do to get better? Perhaps I'm not and this is why I still have these obsessions, this anger and judgmental attitude towards others.

I need to call myself out on this shit. There is no need to pound on my chest and repeatedly state how hard I'm working. This chest pounding, 'look at what I'm doing' attitude wouldn't be displayed if I really was doing EVERYTHING I need to.

The problem is, I truly feel I am doing a lot.

Maybe it still isn't enough?

nevermind the ramblings of someone cut off,

I started reading The Bell Jar and nothing happened.

Seriously its not a bad read. She writes pretty well.
Not at any stunning conclusions yet.

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=20723488

Oh lyrically, you're an old face, a no face - a man in a cardigan. Someone I don't know anymore.

For all the cops not reading this, I hope your paranoia is worse than mine.

always said "life is pain and misery, so learn to enjoy pain and misery and you can always be happy."

in retrospect cant see whether it helped or hurt more. was made as a defense ended up being a prison. sometimes ill find myself in horrible situations at the worst points in my life i usually cant help but laughing and taking a masochistic sense to heart. it usually helps me get through bad situations but at the same time made me numb to alot of shit and now it seems like when everything is good about my life im most unhappy. like im inviting pain now. im so dependent on mine and others misery that i seem to start fights just to be upset all day.

his birthday is on the 24th and im thinking of riding down to the outerbanks to visit him at his favorite fishing pier. the place he said he loved most in all the world and where we spread his ashes. he's always there casting and reeling with my sisters on that perfect day where they caught over a dozen a piece. at night we're underneath the pier with flashlights and buckets catching crabs then releasing them all at once. he's in the waves laughing at something that struck him particularly humorous and in the sand carelessly napping with a slight grin.

As im snorting these yellow little pills i think of how many of these i must have put up my nose over the years. 100's surely maybe closer to a 1000. The last of my pills but i continue snorting them because i am fucking miserable. Ive been miserable for weeks it always seems to happen around this time of year. So fuck tomorrow i need to feel better now. Tomorrow can take care of itself. That's been my motto for most of my life i think.

Atleast im in better shape then last thanksgiving where i was withdrawing and almost puked up the turkey i had managed to eat. I fucking hate holidays these days because that means that the stores are closed and i can't go and pick up my scripts or lopermide and codeine. Anything to make me feel better.

I am certainly not looking foreward to the days ahead where i won't be able to get another script for about 10 days ahead. About 4 or 5 days of withdrawing then the awful depression, edgyness and pure nerves that follow it. The feeling that im going insane which always happens during a long withdrawal. Time feels like it's stopped, minutes feel like hours and days like weeks.

The withdrawal will hit fast and i will be sick in 12 hours or so. But it might not be so bad since my habit isint that heavy now. I also have lot's of meds to get me through. A check list of meds during withdrawal is essential to keep your sanity.

Lot's of clonazepam to calm me down and help the agitation, zopiclone to help me sleep and also to calm me down and to hopefully stop the nightmares, dimenhydrinate to stop the nausea and stomach cramps, gabapentin to help stop the RLS and add to the overall sedation, clonidine to help the hot/cold flashes and sweating and my anti-psychotics zyprexa and risperdal to help the mood swings and stop those awful mixed states i get during withdrawal. Well i get those anyway but withdrawal makes my bipolar way worse. During 1 withdrawal i slashed my arm up real bad while really agitated. Actually ive done that more then a few times.

I just hope it doesent go too bad since im already depressed which is a bad sign as is. It's going to be a long week thats for fucking sure.

every day is pretty epic I must say...still haven't told my parents that I quit my job (or career...haha) - i have an appointment with the drug squad , not really , just addiction services I guess and get another bout of seeing a psychiatrist...seriously how do you deal with these people? 9am tomorrow...

the seroquel is a rough ride...its not a feel good time, just wake up in the middle of the night and wonder where the fuck I am with a side order of dry mouth. during the day is just some sort of spaced experience. didnt leave the house today. nowhere to go really. cleaned and did laundry...nowhere near looking for another job yet.

oh dear lord (*snicker*) tell me how to not become an addict? or stop being one? I guess they might clue me in on that bit of puzzle. I'm too stunted during the day to do much and thats only 25mg! at night ...

anyone know what to do for thanksgiving? not much to give thanks for...thanks for the grub and pass the ammo. some wild solo sesh with the parents. its thanksgiving in Canada here and thats really lame.

I hope I get EI.

Oh one finally joke for the day:

Do you feel like hurting yourself?
Do you feel like hurting others?

Are you a pedophile?

...

I am so hungry.

I wish my mom would let her guard down. I hate seeing her like this.