Yeah, I still think about using every day. I haven't and I am aware that it is simply not an option.
The thoughts come from nowhere and sometimes they occur and its as if I don't even have a drug problem. I know this is normal and that its the motherfucker inside of me who hates himself and will do whatever is necessary to come to the forefront of my being.
I was hanging with the two dudes in recovery that I usually hang with and they were saying how the obsession has been lifted for them. Not me. I told them that I don't see that twenty dollar bill in my pocket as money. I see it as a bag, a spike, a nickel of weed and three dollars gas.
I have 52 days clean (as of 10/12/09) and the one dude has 7 days, the other has 15 days.
I'm workin' hard at this but still have those thoughts of using every single day. I wonder if they are being honest about their obsessions.
I'm happy for them and a little jealous at the same time.
I'll get there in time. This is a gradual process with potential for great rewards.
Old head at the meeting tonight said that 'addicts like us want the benefits of hard labor without applying any effort'. Pretty fuckin' accurate if you ask me.
This is different from all those other times I was in the program. I am working fuckin' hard at this.
I am receiving my daily reprieve from active addiction. This is all that was promised to me. Anything else I get is just extra.
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EDIT: I just realized a moment ago that I have mentioned how hard I am working at this numerous times through posts and my blog. Who am I trying to convince? I am implementing a lot of change and following suggestions but why do I feel the need to point this out and say it so often? Am I really doing everything I need to do to get better? Perhaps I'm not and this is why I still have these obsessions, this anger and judgmental attitude towards others.
I need to call myself out on this shit. There is no need to pound on my chest and repeatedly state how hard I'm working. This chest pounding, 'look at what I'm doing' attitude wouldn't be displayed if I really was doing EVERYTHING I need to.
The problem is, I truly feel I am doing a lot.
Maybe it still isn't enough?
The thoughts come from nowhere and sometimes they occur and its as if I don't even have a drug problem. I know this is normal and that its the motherfucker inside of me who hates himself and will do whatever is necessary to come to the forefront of my being.
I was hanging with the two dudes in recovery that I usually hang with and they were saying how the obsession has been lifted for them. Not me. I told them that I don't see that twenty dollar bill in my pocket as money. I see it as a bag, a spike, a nickel of weed and three dollars gas.
I have 52 days clean (as of 10/12/09) and the one dude has 7 days, the other has 15 days.
I'm workin' hard at this but still have those thoughts of using every single day. I wonder if they are being honest about their obsessions.
I'm happy for them and a little jealous at the same time.
I'll get there in time. This is a gradual process with potential for great rewards.
Old head at the meeting tonight said that 'addicts like us want the benefits of hard labor without applying any effort'. Pretty fuckin' accurate if you ask me.
This is different from all those other times I was in the program. I am working fuckin' hard at this.
I am receiving my daily reprieve from active addiction. This is all that was promised to me. Anything else I get is just extra.
-----------------------------------------
EDIT: I just realized a moment ago that I have mentioned how hard I am working at this numerous times through posts and my blog. Who am I trying to convince? I am implementing a lot of change and following suggestions but why do I feel the need to point this out and say it so often? Am I really doing everything I need to do to get better? Perhaps I'm not and this is why I still have these obsessions, this anger and judgmental attitude towards others.
I need to call myself out on this shit. There is no need to pound on my chest and repeatedly state how hard I'm working. This chest pounding, 'look at what I'm doing' attitude wouldn't be displayed if I really was doing EVERYTHING I need to.
The problem is, I truly feel I am doing a lot.
Maybe it still isn't enough?
