Flashback: 01

• Date: August 2009

This job I recently applied for said they would call sometime mid-week. I have been keeping my suboxone dose low, and my current status was in the process of becoming sick. The miraculous effect of feeling normal was wearing off. Still lying in bed tossing and turning I figure there is no point in trying to sleep anymore, my legs wouldn't give me the chance so fuck it. Rolling myself into a sitting position at the foot of the bed my bare feet touch the old greased texture of the short carpet in my room. I look around at the miss-matched walls reminding me that I still have to fix a hole in the bottom right corner of one of them. Grabbing my jacket off the pile of clothes next to me on the bed I loom upstairs. I always hated having to walk out of my room, the carpet might suck but it was nothing compared to walking across the cold unfinished concrete in my grandparents basement barefoot.

Heading in the kitchen grandma is cleaning like she does every weekend. I greet her and walk back downstairs to wait for her to finish. I check my phone and noticed I had just missed a call from the one of the HR people at the place I applied. I return her call to find out that I finally had my first job in two years. It was the best feeling of relief...all the bills...money I owe...finally being able to get myself out of debit and able to buy new clothes was a feeling of relief that I couldn't even begin to explain to you.

Once I knew I landed the job, of course the thought of getting high was tempting...well, more like un-resistible. I didn't have anything but a small tube of various prescription pills I had collected over time. If I can remember right I believe it was two Xanax bars (4mg), two Ambien (10mg), twelve Trmadol (600mg), Muscle relaxers, one Lunesta (3mg), 5 Tmazepam's (75mg), and to top it off I drank it down with a shot of Jin. Within an hour I felt a head change but it wasn't satisfying my addict ways. I gave my dope dealer a call and he said to meet him downtown...now this is where things start to get a little blurry. I remember getting the dope and then my dealer and his lady asked to fix in my car. Of course I didn't mind.

I took out my kit, tied the tourniquet around my arm, filled the needle, and did a shot. The feeling was unlike anything I remembered, just feeling that warmth encasing my body like a warm hug from my lover. My head lowered, stomach turned, and eyes closed. It still wasn't enough, I did another which was my worst mistake. I remember fading in and out, my friends were consistently waking me up. Shouting for me to come back, but I was too far gone and could tell this was a nod I wasn't going to be able to get myself up from.

I woke up the next morning in my car parked outside my house. Couldn't remember anything after the point of my friends trying to wake me. I called Friendly to ask him what happened or if he knew and the words from his mouth were "dude you don't remember overdosing yesterday?". Apparently he said that two of my friends bailed and it was me and him. He forced me to get out of the car and we walked for three hours. It wasn't till two hours I was finally able to walk without having to hold onto him. He said I was making no sense when I talked. I was gone, when he finally thought I was ok to drive home we had to push my car because the reverse wasn't working.

That's all I really know from the night, I'm sure there is more too it but my friend said most of it was just trying to keep me awake so I didn't fall out. I'd sure like to know why $10 was missing from my wallet and my pack of cigs were empty the next day however.