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He lies on top of me out of breath. We lay together as I held him, he with his head on my breast as he was stroking my arm. I love it when a lover strokes my skin lightly with his hand. I find it both soothing and a turn on. I stroked the hair out of his face and gently kissed his face before getting up to use the john. I was all wet down there with both his bucket loads of cum inside me and me being extremely wet. Some of it was running down my leg before I had a chance to sit on the john. I decided to take a quick shower after using the toilet. I was a sweaty mess. Just as I was about to get in the shower, he walked in the bathroom to relieve himself. After he finished, he asked if he could join me. ?Sure, babe,? I said. ?Cory, wash my back, please?? I asked. I?ve been single for so long that it?s rare I get to ask someone to wash my back. Fourteen years to be exact. He lathers up the wash cloth and gently scrubs my back. ?Mmmmm thank you, babe.? ?Sure,? he said. ?Anything else you want me to wash?? ?You?re a bad boy. Go to my room!? I said. ?I guess I know the way by now,? he said with a smirk.

?Turn your back towards me,? I said. I then lathered him up and started washing his back before rinsing him off. I then kissed him on the back of his neck and behind his ears. ?You?re so fucking sexy, babe,? I said as I rubbed my hands up and down his chest, hugging him from behind. ?Fuck, I?m getting a boner again,? he said. I had a feeling that we were going to be at this all day and night. I?d forgotten how easy it was for guys his age to keep getting hard. Again. And again. And again. And again. Fuck me was I going to be sore. I took the soap and lathered up his chest and gently scrubbed him with the wash cloth. Next, I soaped up his ass cheeks and washed him thoroughly there and between his butt cheeks before rinsing him off. I could hear him groaning. ?God you got my cock all hard again,? he said. ?Good. We can stop now, get out of the shower so you can put your jeans back on because I want to do a photo shoot of you and your big old boner in your jeans,? I said playfully.

?Damn, you?re evil,? he said. ?Come on, Mami I?m horny again.? ?I bet you say that to all the girls,? I said. ?Only to the hottest ones in town,? he said. ?Come on, my cock is so hard. I want to fuck you BAD.? Pressing my tits against his back in the shower I told him I was going to have to do something about that hard cock of his before lathering up his small amount of pubic hair and rinsing him off. Next I lathered up his cock and balls and slowly started washing him with my hand. ?Oh fuck, that feels soo good,? he said. After I rinsed off his cock and balls, I turned my back towards him so that his cock was at the level of my ass. ?Now it?s your turn to wash me,? I said. ?Soap up my tits please.? His hands were gently cupping my breasts with soap and water. He had a raging hard on that I could feel up against my butt crack. I put soap on his hand and guided his hand to my pussy and thighs. ?Get me clean, Cory.? I felt his horny hand washing between the crack of my pussy lips and then I had him wash my ass. Now I was horny all over again.
After that I turned around to face him. I took his face between my hands, looked into his eyes and gave him a slow, deep kiss. I could hear his breathing become more rapid as I felt his heart rate quicken pressed against me. ?I fucking want you all over again, Cory,? I said. ?Oh fuck I want you too, Miss Ferrari,? he said. ?Call me Tanya. I think we?re past the formal stage, at least within these walls,? I said chuckling. Who was I now, Mrs. Robinson all over again? If there are any young people reading this, Mrs. Robinson was a character in the classic movie The Graduate. The twenty four year old (I think he was twenty four) was played by Dustin Hoffman and his neighbor that he?d known all his life Mrs. Robinson seduced him. I recall asking my Dad when I was eleven why he still called her Mrs. Robinson after they slept together and he said it?s because that?s what he had called her all his life. That was a bit too freaky for me, imagining Cory calling me Miss Ferrari, especially during sex. ?What?s so funny,? asked Cory. ?You calling me Miss Ferrari.? I started erupting in laughter and then said, ?I?m sorry, but you have GOT to see the humor in this!? He too started laughing a little.

I turned off the shower and then started kissing his neck. ?You have a VERY sexy neck, babe.? ?Thank you,? he said. We put our arms around each other and started necking. My hands slid up and down his back before grabbing two handfuls of butt cheeks. ?I fucking love your ass,? I said. ?You are soo firm.? Young guys and their hot, firm bodies, thinking about the one I had my hands on made me lust more after Cory. I kissed his chest, stopped at his nipples for a few seconds before running my tongue over them and then sucking them. I knew that he was a bundle of nerves, so whatever I did to him would send him through the roof. I started running my tongue further south just above his belly button. I stopped there, circling it on the outside with my tongue. I pulled his waist towards my mouth and then licked the inside of his belly button, kissing it. After I got on my knees, I lightly brushed the back of his ass cheeks with my fingers giving him goose bumps before taking my tongue and tracing his thighs with it, blowing on them. ?Oh fuck me,? he groaned.

His cock was good and rock hard and a bit bigger than I?d expect from a slim guy that was 5?9? tall. He sure deposited a big fat load inside me earlier. So, licking his balls and taking my tongue up to the base of his cock. ?OH FUCK!? He was squirming, so I took my time with my tongue and licking it all the way until I got to his shaft. I did quick, light flicks on the head of his cock with my tongue before finally putting my lips around his cock, gently sucking on the tip. I loved the subtle smell of sex that radiated from his groin area even though I just washed him. He smelled of horniness and sex mixed with soap and water. I started really sucking the head of his cock and got off listening to his moaning and rapid breathing. ?Oh yes baby, suck my cock. I?m so horny baby I want you so much!? I made yummy noises in my throat and started taking more of his cock into my mouth. ?OH FUUUUCK!? I messaged the area in between his ass and his balls as I was sucking his cock, gently pulling him into my mouth. ?Oh fuck, baby I?m going to cum!? I responded by sucking him harder and faster. ?DO IT!? I demanded. Soon there was his cum all over my face and tits. I loved hearing him moan and groan, ?Oh fuck, Oh fuck, Oh fuck me.? He leaned back against the shower, out of breath. I planted a soft kiss on his lips that now had a bit of his cum on them.

I took his hands, rubbed cum into my tits and rubbed some on my face. Semen is supposed to be very good for a woman?s soft skin. After running the shower for a minute to clean him up, I turned it off, dried us off. ?Let?s lie down for a few minutes,? I said. I wanted to cuddle a bit before the next round.

End part three

"Oh fuck yes, sweetheart," I said softly. "Baby that feels soo good. Do it like that. More please.' I could see and feel his confidence level going up and he eagerly started sucking my tits with more enthusiasm. "Fuck, Cory. Suck my tits sweetheart. Goddamn that feels good," I said as I was stroking his hair. How the hell did this happen? One minute I was in my 14th year of celibacy and the next second, I'm getting lucky. This was completely unexpected. I knew that I just needed to really get into enjoying him and help teach him a few things in the process. "Come here, Cory," I said. "Kiss me, baby." He had a nice little mane of long, brown hair that went down to his neck. It was soft, healthy, and a lot of it. His skin was tannish, brown. He was definitely part Hispanic, but he was definitely mixed. His brown hair and deep brown eyes were a huge turn on. His body which normally appeared a bit boyish, was now young, fit, and smooth.

"OHHH FUCK!," I said. I hadn't been kissed or laid since 2005. I was REALLY getting turned on. My full breasts were smashed against his smooth, boyish chest, a chest that would turn into adult manhood beauty, a more mature version. I would love to see what kind of body Cory will one day have, although I certainly had no expectations. I wasn't sure if this was going to be a one night stand on an ongoing fwb thing, but I half hoped it was a one time deal because I knew I could get into a shitload of trouble if anyone ever discovered that I had an indiscretion with a student, even though he was 18. I loved feeling his chest up against mine. I loved his enthusiasm which more than compensated for his lack of experience. "Put your tongue all the way in my mouth, Cory. Fuck you turn me on!" I felt his hot, hungry tongue against mine, his lips kissing and lapping mine up. "Goddamn you feel so good, Cory!" My breathing had become very rapid. Fuck I wanted him so much! I wanted him as much as he wanted me.

And here I had regretted answering the door after he had gotten here. Now I'm so glad that I did. "Cory, honey knead my breasts for me." He put his hand over one of them, messaging it. "I love the way you're touching me baby. So tell me, Cory do you think my tits are real?" That may have been a moot question. Since he was still a virgin, there's no telling how many breasts he'd felt. "Yes. I love them," he said in a breathy voice. I took one of my hands and felt the bulge in his jeans. "Oh fuck yeah, baby," I said as I felt his nice, young cock that was rock hard under those jeans. "Honey, I'm taking your jeans off, but leave your underwear on," I said. "You'll understand why soon enough." It was my intention to message his ass cheeks and to do a real thorough job of it. There are a lot of sensual message areas on the ass. I wanted to give him a treat. "Lie on your stomach, Cory," I said. He did so reluctantly. "I'm going to message that cute, tight, little ass of yours," I said.

I started rubbing his ass cheeks through his underwear and then I pulled them down to his knees. I then started rubbing his bare ass, doing slow, sensual strokes with my hands, grabbing it, kneading it, licking it, kissing it. "Fuck you are sexy as hell, Cory!" I said. "So are you!," he said moaning. "Turn over, sweetheart," I said. He turned over and he was rock hard. I started messaging his thighs, kissing them, dripping ice water from my mouth over his navel. He laughed and squirmed a bit. "Good," he said. "I was afraid I was going to cum," he said. "No worries. If that happens, we'll just start all over again," I said. He seemed a bit reassured. Getting up off the bed, I unbuckled my jeans and turned around. I slowly wiggled my ass out of them so that he could enjoy a slow, sensual strip tease and then grabbed my ankles giving him more anticipation.

"Give me your hand, Cory," I said. My panties were completely saturated with pussy juice. I tend to over lubricate when I get very excited. Putting his fingers in my flooded pussy, I said, "Touch me there," He groaned. "Oh my God," he said. I turned on my back and guided his hand. "Put your fingers in my pussy, Cory. See how turned on you got me, babe?" "OH FUUUUCK!," he said. "Now bring that cock over to my tits. I want you to titty fuck me, babe." I sandwhiched his cock between my tits telling him, "That's right, Cory, fuck my tits baby!" After a few minutes we stopped and I asked him to finger fuck my pussy. "Fuck my pussy with your fingers! Make me cum, sweetheart!" Moaning and groaning and panting loud, "Yess baby, fucking YESS!! I took his hand and slammed it in and out of my tight, wet, hole. "Get on top of me, Cory!," I commanded. I guided his cock inside me after he got on top of me. "Now fuck me, Cory, fuck me slow. Put your arms around me. Kiss me," I said as I wrapped my arms and legs around him, pulling him further inside me.

"Ah baby, yes," I said through heavy breathing. "You feel so fucking great, baby," I said. I could hear him panting and moaning. "Fuck me hard and fast now, Cory! Come on, it's alright, now look into my eyes, baby. I want to stare right into your eyes as you cum. Come on now, DO IT!!! There was a lot of heavy panting and moaning between the two of us. "Oh fuck I'm cumming!," he said through his breaths. I grabbed squeezed his ass hard and pulled him into me. "Cum baby, CUM!" I said. "Look into my eyes, baby. Come on Cory!," There was moaning, groaning, followed by an "OH FUUUUCK!" I looked deep into his eyes as he surrendered and gave himself to me. I knew there was no way this was going to be our only night together.

End part 2

Cory

3/19/19

So I was substitute teaching for this one guy, a co-worker who was quite military. I wasn't quite sure what the hell I was really doing there. I was just anxious to get the job done, get the hell out of there and go home. Home to The Rolling Stones. My safe haven is my music. Mick Jagger and I go way back. Anyway, there I was daydreaming about The Rolling Stones music. I dismissed the class and everyone left, that is except this one guy that was staring at me.

"Are your tits real?," he asked. "Excuse me?" I said. Who the fuck was this guy? "Are your tits real?", he asked again. "Seriously, dude are you REALLY going to ask me that after my big, long speech about sexual harassment?" "Are they real or aren't they?" he insisted. I do have size 42 DDD breasts, and while they are obviously large, I was dressed in a professional manner, not a hint of cleavage or any skin tight blouse foolishness. This kid was one irritating, brazen, rude individual. "Damn millennials",I said under my breath.

"What's your name?," I asked. "Cory," he said. "So?" he asked me expectantly. I don't know what the hell came over me, but I heard myself command him softly, "Cory, come here." He walked over to me, by the wall and then I pushed him softly against the wall and then planted a passionate kiss on his neck. I then pushed a friend's business card into his hand. "I will be at this motel tonight," I said softly. "You be there and YOU can tell ME if my breasts are real or not," I said calmly. The thing is that there was some convention or some damn thing going on that pretty much the whole school was going to.

All the nerds were going to be there and I knew he was one of them. "I can't because of the convention," he said. "I guess you'll never find out then," I said and started to walk away. "Oh COME ON! THAT'S NOT FAIR!" He said. This damn kid was actually arguing with me and he wouldn't shut up. "FINE!" I said, "Be there next Thursday. Goodbye, Cory." I then walked away. So the next week happened without incident, my coworker came back to his teaching position and I had forgotten all about Cory. That is until he showed up the following week and caught me completely off guard.

I couldn't believe it when I opened the door. "What the? Cory? What are you doing here?" I demanded. "You invited me, remember? Are you going to invite me in or what?," he said. "Cory, how old are you?" I demanded. "18," he said. "Show me your ID, or you don't get in this door," I said. He then produced a real Cali ID that said he was Corionado Tapia Salazar Montenegro born 4/13/00. So he really was 18. Damn. Couldn't use the excuse that he was legally a minor. "FUXAKE!" I swore, and letting him inside. Jesus Christ I wished that I was still on drugs so that I could down a strong drink, pop some pills, or something.

I was nervous as hell because it had been 14 years since I had gotten any dick and I knew where this situation was going to lead. "Cory, your manners suck," I stammered out. "Why do you say that?" "Are my tits real? Jesus what the hell kind of student asks his teacher a question like that?" "Are they?" he asked. Here we go again. "I don't know, Cory. I forgot. Maybe you could help me out and tell me," I said. What the hell made me back him up against the wall last week and then plant a serious, hardcore kiss on his neck last week? I'm a smart ass by nature, especially when confronted with kids like him.

Still, that had been a very bad move on my part. He could file charges of sexual harassment against me. So, there I was confronted with a young, horny, inexperienced kid. Was he a virgin? I wondered. Damn I sure could use a drink and I don't even drink! I'm 5 and a half years sober. I've been done with that whole mess for a while now, so instead I took a couple deep breaths and took a couple of non narcotic anti anxiety pills. I never really feel any effect. I think they are more psychological than anything. So, after I calmed down a bit, I sat down on the bed and patted the spot next to me.

"Please sit down, Cory," I said. He did what he was told, but I sensed a bit of nervous energy. "You don't have to stay if you don't want, ok? Don't feel like you're being held against your will or anything," "No, I'm ok," he said. "So are you in the habit of asking all of your teachers if their tits are real or not?" I asked. "No, you're the first one," he said. " So how the hell did I get do lucky," I said. "I don't know," he said. "Are you a virgin?" I asked very matter of fact. "What? Why?", he asked. "Well are you or not?," I persisted. He said nothing. "Ok I guess you'll never get the answer to your question," I said. "Goodbye, Mr. Montenegro, " I said.

"Ok, yes why," he finally admitted. "I don't know, Cory. Why is it so damn important for you to know whether or not my tits are real?" "I don't know," he said. "You really need to come up with a better answer than that," I said. "What for," he said. This guy was a piece of work. I got up, dimmed the lights. I started unbuttoning my blouse. "Take your shirt off, sweetheart," I said softly. "Unless of course you don't want to know whether or not my tits are real. His shirt came off real quick. I started to undo my bra and his hand reached for my breast. "Oh no, you don't." I said. "Not yet."

His eyes seemed to literally bulge out of his head when he saw my bare breasts for the first time. "Lie next to me, Cory," I said. "Kiss me." I could feel his body heat radiating off of him. Taking his hand, "Touch me here," I said. "Oh these are nice," he said barely above a whisper. Kiss me here. Touch me there. Suck my left nipple. Now suck my right one. I moaned softly as he started to suck my tits. "Yess like that baby boy," I said.

End part one

I swear I was just there. We where sitting around Mike's kitchen table doing MXE. How the fuck was that 7 years ago? It hurts my heart to think about. All the events in between then and now seem like little windows I should be able to climb in and out of. I feel like they all have a life of their own.

If I could pick one night to relive which one would it be? More importantly who would it be with? I think that's what it took me my entire 20s to figure out. It wasn't about which DJ or band I saw or which drug I took. It was about who I was with. The connection we formed. That feeling in my stomach I get when I think about them.

I'll miss my youth but I won't miss my ignorance. I damn sure won't miss my arogance. Thinking I could control the uncontrollable. Thinking that reading the abstract of a paper online made me an expert on a subject. Realizing I understand less at 30 then I did at 20 is humbling but it's beautiful. Admitting i have no answers and I don't know shit is the hardest thing I've ever done. But denying that truth would be a lie and I'm done with the lies. Especially to myself.

ive been with at a loss of words or voice for so long. i have no idea what to do or how to operate under these conditions. hes gone....what do i do now?
"stupid staceface"
it plagues me
his last words
i loved him more than he would ever fucking know and it kills me.
the god father of my child
my daughters fathers best friend
he introduced us
god dammit it has no words
noah....fucking noah
i loved chris...i still do but you were my first love and you fucking knew it, didnt you?
asshole.
such an asshole.
holding you that last time....we built that fire...you kissed me and it was god damn everything i ever wanted. you fucked it up didnt you?
playing with guns
you tragic majestic beast
no one could ever know.
im it. to know that side of you and you fucking left.
fuck you

and fuck you too matt
for leaving when i needed you the most
when noah shot himself in the fucking head and you contacted me
you said youd be here for me
you said we were best friends
but you werent here for me at all when i needed you
fuck you for calling me
fuck you for choosing heroin
i was there for you
fuck you for not being there for ME when i needed you as you said
im fucking pissed
now youre dead and theres no more games or comfort or life or anything

fuck both of you for leaving
fuck you guys for leaving me without your influence
you were both my best Friends
and i hate you both for it because theres nobody else that could fill your shoes and im sitting here like an asshole wishing i could talk to either one of you and i cant. it was so easy to do so in the past....noah wouldve answered. noah wouldve been there. noah....
noah...you beautiful god damn bastard. you were so immune to pain...or you acted like it. so proud. so fucking physical and logical. i miss your hands on my arms, miss that quick wit that left me picking for a retort. miss you holding me tighter as i pulled away. you awoken a side of me that was repressed since adolescence...back when we were in high school...when you held that umbrella for me....when you pinned me against the wall before you kissed me at the cabin when i was fifteen. to find out you were with hope nunely.....jesus...it broke me. but i still wanted you in my life. needed your input.
i wish i could tell you now....
i should have told you
we were so close....and you introduced chris....then malaura....
then we stated up again after chris...
god dammit its too much
too much of my life was intertwined in you

i cant look at my daughter without thinking of you
her eyes arent yours but i see you in her speech
chris may have hated us together after he and i
but i loved you more than anything ive ever not created
i just wish you knew

All my life I?ve been a rebellious son. At the age of twelve I smoked my first joint.

It opened up a whole new world for me. I moved from Ok to TN. At thirteen to 17 o smoked weed when I could. At 16 my stepsister died in a autobobile accident. I was a a crusade when I came home and found she died.

I did a slight 180. It was kinda scary.


I moved back to Oklahoma November of 2002. In 03 I was shipped off to Job Corps. I didn?t like the atmosphere and was intrigued by ecstasy. I went awal.

I lived in the big city of Oklahoma. I was doing every drug I could get my hands on. In 2004 I met a chick from the clubs. Yeah right, the perfect place to find love. My main drug abuse was meth. In May of 05 after doing so many drugs I got very paranoid that I gave her HIV. that month I went to the department of human services to see about a blood test.


I was so paranoid that I walked out and walked all around OKC IN no certain direction. I finally went to a pay phone and called the cops. The person that picked up was a Gay K9 officer I stole about 20 grams of pure cocaine that was for his dog. I go back to jail and dry out. I told the judge I was guilty cuz I thought I was in there for passing a STD.


I get out and I thought I was in a dawn of the dead movie. I take five ecstasy to end my life. I make a scene at a gas station and go back to jail.


I was thrown to the floor. Felt like I was raped. Thrown into a stretcher and shot up in both forearms. They took a sample of blood and off to the hospital and the. Detox. I wake up and I?m completely out of it.


The next day I go to my ex?s house and make a scene in front of the entire neighborhood. I go back to jail and I?m out over night. The next day I bring my ex over and tell her I gave her HIV,


She leaves and I started losing it so I ran to a house and broke their window.

I go back to jail but but this time I was completely out of it.

Long story short I was in jail for two months. Get beat up pretty bad and finally get our. Over the course of a few more months I was literally the most fearful thing to go thru. I finally start snapping out of it and my ex breaks up with me. In May of 06 I started going thru that psychosis/tribulation again.

This time I said heck no and gave my life to Jesus. I had the most explosive profound experience ever. For two years I was of fire for God,

In 08 I was hit with obsessive thoughts that terrified me. In that summer I was struggling so bad. Since then I?ve struggled, but that experience was there just to wet my appetite.


Folks here I am today to say if you?re lonely, feeling forsakenef and whatever you are going through.

God loves you and wants a intimate relationship with you.


I really wished I had a one on one talk with someone before I got into all the crap I did.

It's the little things in life that count.

[NOTE: This was just sitting here as a draft for how many years, so, I thought I would publish it. Orlando was fuckin' awesome.]

Today I busted out my log of rolling sessions that I've kept track of over the years. Its absolutely not complete. From everything I could gather from the 2 text files I have and my posts on PillReports, I counted up 47 different experiences with MDMA, since September, 2003. Despite what I could actually find written down, the number of separate occasions that I would tell you (just keeping track in my head over the years) I've used MDMA on is closer to 70. So, split the difference, make it even, and that's 58 separate MDMA experiences EASILY. there could be 10 more. there could be 5 more. but there definitely couldn't be less than 58. so let's go with 58. maybe even round up to 60 just because its cleaner than 58 and its a very probable number. So, ok, 60 for my grand lifetime guestimate total separate MDMA experiences. I count 23 separate experiences alone, from my first to my last experiences, while living in Orlando. That time frame is from 4/2/05-8/27/05. Basically, at ~4.75 months, that's 4 months and 3 weeks. A week shy of 5 months, we'll say. Fuck it, 5 months. I rolled ~23 times in ~5 months - according to the documentation I could find. Again, according to the documentation available, I took ~62 rolls in ~145 days. 1 in April. 7 in May. ~21 in June. ~14 in July. ~15 in August. IDK why that comes out to 58, but, ok, we'll split the difference on those #s, and we have 60 rolls I took in the last 5 months I lived in Orlando. At $14/each (just to make it easy, I'll just say i got all those 60 for the same price - they were from the same person, so it probably evens out anyway), that's $840 spent on MDMA in 5 months. Still doesn't seem like THAT much. That's because the numbers are more than what I could find, but we'll go with $840, for the sake of this entry. So, if my math is right, in 145 days, that's $5.80/day average I spent on MDMA. $14 in April. $98 in May. $287 in June. ~$192 in July. $249 in August. In that same ~5 month time frame, I rolled two days in-a-row 6 different times. Out of those 6 different, let's say, 48-hour sessions, twice I took 6.5 pills. So, in that 5 months, the most pills I took in a 48-hour time frame was 6.5. At $14/each, that comes out to $91. So, on two separate occasions, I spent over $90 on MDMA in 48hrs. For someone that had no income at the time, that's pretty ridiculous. I took 24 green hearts in 42 days - http://www.ecstasydata.org/view.php?id=1446. I took ~20 blue AT&Ts/waves in 48 days - http://www.ecstasydata.org/view.php?id=1481. Those were some pretty serious rolls, too. I'd put each of them at at least 100mg MDMA. So, roughly 2.4g of 'green heart' stamped MDMA pills in almost 5 weeks. Roughly 2g of 'blue AT&T' stamped MDMA pills in just over 5 weeks. ~4.4g of MDMA (clean ass MDMA) in 10 weeks. And that's not even counting the pink girl scouts - which were exactly the same as the blue AT&Ts. I have 5 of those logged in 4 days. The actual number is probably 4 times that. Aside from the stamps I already mentioned, I also had 1 (for sure only 1) blue Thai Airways, 3.5 (documented - I would again quadruple that #) green maple leafs, 2 (for sure only 2) purple D&Gs, and 1 (documented - I ABSOLUTELY bought a 10-pack of these, how many I actually ate myself, I can't be sure) of those fantastic MDA white "1"s - http://www.ecstasydata.org/view.php?id=1245. Most would probably consider this information useless, but I find it interesting. I lived in Orlando for around 18 months and this is less than a 1/3rd of that. Those were a pretty crazy last 5 months. I think anyone would agree with that. Just imagine if I kept a cocaine log. That would be the other 2/3rds. Not to mention, I smoked ($25/$50-$30/$60 - there were no regs in Orlando that I can remember) nearly every day of those 18 months. But, anyway, this was really more for me. If you were entertained at all by this entry, cool beans . If not, I'm not gonna lose any sleep over it.

Here's ALL the logs (not just Orlando) I could find, btw:

http://www.wattpad.com/5786971-mdma-experience-log-1-2-2003-2006

http://www.wattpad.com/5788498-mdma-experience-log-2-2-2006-2010

PLUR,
beanfiend

I wish the sun didn?t rise and set on the same day
Days blended with tears
What?s a breath when you got pain


Sometimes normal feels distant
It?s cold at night
lonely too


I find love in pieces
My pieces recreate me in others


I fight back cries on the daily
Either I?m all worn out
or Waiting to begin


Who else feels this feeling of un feeling


Make it stop


Or make it start


These twenties are tough
Nights never counted past my fingers
Digits of soil my soul wants rest


Keep scratching
Keep clawing
One day


Some day


Make it stop
Or make it start

so i'm back home for thanksgiving the other day and i'm chillin with some old friends and one of them tells me this girl (who i care for alot, but i permanently ruined any chances of a relationship happening long ago, and even at one point was told never to contact her again) said 'hi' to me. ok. whatever right? no. it really means alot to me that she will even acknowledge me at this point. so whatever, i email her sister, who i'm friends with, and tell her to just tell her that i said 'thank you' for the shout (and explained why i felt so compelled to say that, etc, etc.)

so now i'm on facebook and i see she has commented on something a friend of mine said. i'm so tempted to msg her and say something, but i really don't want to fuck shit up again. see...back when we were good, i started to continuously call her (like every night) drunk and barred (+oxy+whatever i had) out of my mind, blacked the fuck out saying all sorts of stupid shit, that, of course, only she will remember. so i really dont wanna get back into the cycle of bothering this chick. cuz IMO, im not even in chick's league. i was lucky to be in the position i was in then and i blew it. but seeing her picture and just knowing that all i have to do is click "send msg" or whatever and i could say something...shit fucks with me. thank god i dont have any opiates. i would have over done it already, tenfold.

i just hope i dont fuck things up again, and maybe one day i can actually get back on speaking terms with her again, not just her telling her friend that she says 'hi' to me...but me actually taking directly to her...i need that again

I used 3/4 of a sub over 3 days because i ran out of my oxy script. My last dose of 1mg was 18 hours ago. Can i start taking my oxys again?

Words, words, words,. ... What means what these days.... There is no more battles of the minds because free thought has been bought and your mind is the product and you still sold it.... No what. Do what"they" do, do what "they say just be *everyone else I guess... I'll sit back and enjoy the show...

trypophobia
2017

Antipathy
Perforated pulsation -
Bits like disheveled puzzle pieces
Re-arrange, re-conform
An enigmatic machine.
There is this cavity where there should be measure, patterns- appeasing consistency
We avert
And pry open each narrow aperture
We behold, each gnarled tear-
Thumbs, prayers, fingers, hopes, and toes
Cannot appease.
For each small hole
Under close examination
Radiates the echo of uphill battles
And joyful woes
We sew each thread to connect
Our entropy
Busy-like to control
This uncertainty
This ebb and flow
This experience
Our subjective disarray
That which one may grow
And one may close
Each incongruent concavity.

I have been prescribed subutex for about 4 months now and started boofing it to get better affects about 3 months ago. This past week and a half I have been using it IV. I?m a huge hypochondriac which doesn?t go well with an IV drug user especially when you don?t know much about what you?re using. I plan on checking myself into inpatient very soon but until I can get in I want to know how I can reduce any harm done to myself when using this IV. Also if I decide to start boofing it instead is there any major health risks I?m facing for that either? I?m scared to start taking it sublingually again because I don?t want to go through withdrawals by going from 4mgs iv to 4mgs under the tongue. Any advice would be much appreciated.

This isn?t a continuation of my life story, just needed to vent and post because I have no one to talk to at the moment.

I?m 23 and not Okay. People always say the kids who?s been ?lucky? to have motivational people around them growing up and people to motivate them is a great thing. It actually sucks ass. I?m in law school been a square my whole life up until college. Didn?t do drugs drink party none of that. Probably because my mom was strict but also my escape was being in band. And it?s not how people say well maybe you?re acting out because you?ve been so sheltered and you finally have freedom, that?s not true either.

Honestly I feel like no one understands me. Sounds emo and dramatic af but I?m not talking about it that way. I?m probably the most caring, selfless, non judgemental and giving person you will ever meet. Like I?d seriously give a stranger the shirt off my back and I don?t need to know your story or get a cookie as congrats. But I?ve also been through shit most ppl will never go through their entire lives and yet all I want to do in the world is help people just make someone?s life better. I call it the Robin Williams affect, being so depressed and yet you surround yourself with people to make them feel better. Maybe I haven?t figured out how to make myself feel better yet.

I have my bachelors degree in political science and human rights , I can almost speak a second language (german) and I?ve worked for literally everything I have today. Like I seriously got my first phone in college because I bought it myself. I don?t blame anyone or anything on the shit I?ve dealt with. It?s life and it gives shitty cards and I have to find a way to deal them.

If i could have one thing in life it would probably be to feel loved. And not like the stereotypical sappy love although thats nice too, but to feel unconditional love. Someone that loves me when I?m hollow and broken and tattered and when I?m at my highest and when I feel like dying lol

not sure if I know what unconditional love feels like, being adopted doesn?t help and neither does being recently diagnosed with an incurable fucking stigmatized disease when you already feel alone. There?s a guy who makes me feel like I can breathe again and that scares the shit out of me. I?ve literally had guys tell me I?m the perfect catch and yet they still won?t stay. How can you give someone your all and still not be good enough, people suck lol. But this guy idk I could easily fall in love with him but I think I might scare him away. If you?re reading this, bare with me. You know who you are loll

I?m ranting and by now I?m sure you?re like wtf is wrong with you go get help lol I am don?t worry, just feel invisible sometimes and I?m tired of people telling me how successful I?m going to be when I?m screaming on the inside. This is what happens when you?re too nice loll but I?ll never stop being optimistic and giving, I won?t let this crappy world dull my smile.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk

My fianc? has been struggling with opioid addiction since he was 14. His mom got him on it. He?s currently on methodone. He plans on getting off it soon so he can finish school and get a job for his degrees. But I?ve been reading up on it and I?ve seen that it?s a worst detox than heroin. I?ve also came across a few articles saying that there?s a physcodelic called Ibogaine that has been tested and proven that it can help. Unfortunately, it?s illegal here in the US. It?s really close to shrooms from what I understand. And I?ve seen where shrooms can be used the same way. My question is has anyone experienced shrooms while detoxing from any opiate? If so, did it help and what effects did you feel from it?

I just got prescribed quillichew which is another form of qullivant/ritilin but in a chewable form. Can i crush this and snort it? because just chewing it makes me awfully tired. I already take 40mg of vyvanse and i dont want to take more of those than prescribed because I dont want to run out early and be stuck without for a few days at the end of the month. How can i take the quillichew without feeling tired? I've even eaten 4-5 of them and they made me even more exhausted!! HELP!

Sorry guys for the delay, just getting over some bad health issues that unfortunately will be apart of my life forever now, but that?s another story as I was saying..


The community was surrounded by streets filled with kids, people watering their lawns and a temperature as hot as the devils breath. Death. Thankfully, we were welcomed with some tumble weeds to show us to our new home.


There were more kids here maybe three or four. The nice lady from outside the hospital was the only parent here. There was an old lady as well, but she just mumbled the entire time, I think she was sick. My new mom kept saying something about all-timers, whatever that is. There?s a girl here that looks like me only she?s a lot darker, taller, and her hair is longer than mine, no fair. There were two boys, one around my height. His head was HUGEE! Guess he had a lot on his mind that day.


While the grown ups are unpacking, we decided to put stickers on our foreheads, mine was a Dalmatian mom said we have to go get a baby. There?s no room, but whatever.


The place smelled like old people when we entered. Also death. There?s a bunch of cats here and I hate cats. Looks kinda like a scene from Saw with a wheelchair just chillin in the hallway. I hide behind my bigger sister just in case. The baby was small, it was another girl. Great. She was in the system too.


We take her home and now there?s exactly three girls and two boys I have to share a room with my sisters and boys share there own too.


July 4, 199....?, the day I?ll never forget. The house is clean and the guests will be arriving soon. Moms been yelling since 7am, ugh. I don?t know why people are so excited anyways its only big kids here. Mom says to stay out of grown folks business so all the little kids go upstairs to play games.


There?s a boy here, but he?s way older than us. I think he?s in big kids school mom says he?s a teenager.


Let?s play a game, he says. Let?s play the wedding game. Is that like school? Me and my family love playing school you do homework and have it graded and we cut up in class for fun!, I said. No, let?s play the wedding game, I need a bride.


Since my sister was the oldest she was volunteered as tribute. FIREWORKS OUTSIDE!! My mom yelled. All the kids drop their stuff to go see. It?s just me and the boy now. He looked sad.


Don?t worry, I can be the bride if you want? NO. Let?s play another game, Follow me. I had just taken my bath, it was getting late and almost time for bed. I was wearing a long pink shirt with blacked out figures on it, kinda like the unlocked characters in video games.


We go to my brothers room. I never go in my brothers room because they always have half eaten sandwiches and old plates in their dressers, boys.


My brother always stacked his shoes
In a row inside the closet, it?s the only thing he kept neat. Are we stacking shoes, I asked? Sure, but we have to get in the closet; close the door, he said.


The darkness swept over my body as his hands did. My Childhood evaporated with every plea, my soul forever tainted. Exchanges of poison
my Innocence permanently erased.
Shhh.
It?s our secret.


The doors opened as I inhaled relief. My oldest sister was looking for me. She found us. What are you guys doing?, she said. Stacking shoes, I whispered. Uh okay well go put on some pants.


We go downstairs to watch the fireworks. Did you want to go back and play a game?, I asked. No, leave me alone, I?m watching fireworks.


That was the last time I saw him. I built a mental prism to keep me safe. Mom says I didn?t talk until I was almost five. I also threw toys at the windshield while she was driving. And I never smiled anymore for pictures, not even my school ones.


No one knew. The invisible girl.
But that was just the first time..
To be continued

Considering that I have nothing better to do and feel completely alone, thought I?d start a blog series about my life. Either I?ll be talking to myself the whole way or sharing this journey with you all. I guess this is the part where I say buckle up, it?s going to be a bumpy ride.

Somewhere in 1995.. or 97 98??? There?s a lady, on the back of a Harley motorcycle outside the hospital. She?s not wearing any shoes and she?s with some random guy. I think she?s homeless. Oh ya, she?s also pregnant. Favorite drug of choice, crack cocaine. The sweet turmoils of poverty. They?re about to take off when suddenly another woman appears. She?s short, not even 5 foot. She?s looks to be fairly young maybe late 30?s. She walks up to the shoeless pregnant biker and asks what is she going to do with that kid. As if she?s said it before.. The lady responded saying she doesn?t know. Looks like we?re off to a great start. I?m sure she?d probably sell that kid for crack in a heartbeat, seeing that it was her 11th kid maybe more or less ..

The short woman said she would take the baby and that she?d already has her sister so no point in splitting them up. They agree as the sound of the bikes engine roared, nothing but dust and crack in the wind.

April 7, 1995, today?s the big day. The crackbaby would be born today. Happy birthday, ironically enough it was the crackheads birthday too, a birthday wasn?t the only thing shared that day. The lady from outside Goes to get her new prize, only she?s not there. Neither is the mother. Those crackheads sure as hell can run, but where the fuck is she going with a strung out newborn baby with no shoes and no home, happy birthday little fucker, it?s a girl.

It?s been five days, the whole county is looking for this baby. The cops are involved and the baby is officially a property of the state. They check her grandmas house, the baby?s alive. The crackhead wasn?t any better than her mother. They had a long history of street life. The grandma holds the knife to their throats as the daughter steals, now that?s thug life. The mother was hiding the baby out as if she could offer it a better life. Guess you can?t blame her, afterall they did share the same birthday. A bond like that goes beyond the womb. She even gave it a name. Ironically enough her name meant first woman, casted out of the garden of Eden, her poison of choice, meth, Shoulda picked a damn apple.

Didn?t matter now anyways, she belonged to the state now, welcome to the system.

I?m looking for a pill mill or doctor who will prescribe OxyContin or Oxycodone in Dallas, Tx
any suggestions?

What's Good For The Goose Is Good For The Gander.

* * *

Bought about 50$ worth of dope and tried injecting 5$ worth of it and felt nothing. Did I burn it too long? Was it not enough? Someone let me know

If life is a game something has me by the balls and it ain't human. I don't believe in grabbing life "by the balls". I feel there is more to it than that. When lived fully.

Interpretation can only make so much sense when the object of understanding should be the truth of the cosmos. And science is still so limited, but this blog is not about science.

"Opinion is really the lowest form of human knowledge. It requires no accountability, no understanding. The highest form of knowledge is empathy, for it requires us to suspend our egos and live in another's world. It requires profound purpose larger than the self kind of understanding." ― Bill Bullard

"Do not think of knocking out another person's brains because he differs in opinion from you. It would be as rational to knock yourself on the head because you differ from yourself ten years ago." ― Horace Mann



I am officially just about over "Goa trance". Like dude how much did Indians hate those beach parties? There's a reason Goa is not the hub of psytrance anymore.

Grateful I am aware I am making these terrible mistakes but it isn't an excuse to keep making them. See you next time.