Blogs

Today's Topic: Soul Ascencion
To Rise Above The 6th (benzene) Dimensional (literally, 'house') Level, Ruled By Satan ('the accuser') and Libra (Venus, the Morning Star; and the number 6), It Is Necessary To Take The Following 6 Highly Scheduled, Highly Watched, And Tightly Controlled Magical Compounds (In Any Particular Order): MDA, MDMA, MDEA, AMP, METH, and ETH. All 6 are amphetamines. Did I do it? Yes, I did. Was it easy? No, it wasn't. It's Not Going To Be Easy. It's Going To Be Worth It. Persistence Pays. This Is My Belief.

my bf hides things from me
doesn't tell me when he does things
it hurts that he doesnt care enouguh to want to share his life with me
I know if he did this to me months ago- I would be a wreck.
I dont really care anymore
I just feel empty and numb
I dont have the emotion to even be mad at him
I simply don't care.
I dont think I want him to live with me this summer
I dont think I want him period. Not when things are like this.
But I dont want anyone else either
and I dont necessarily want to break things off
Breaking things off is painful, I can't handle it now.
I guess I will just embrace my apathy
and live how I want to.

I wonder if he will ever change

Pretty wild looking back at my old blog entries on BL. How daring I was....how fucking brave I was...how I did shit in spite of my anxiety. How I didn't constantly think what ifs, or if I did at least I didn't let it stop me. How I was so suicidal that I wasn't afraid of anything. I found a blog I posted 2 days before almost going skydiving, before I canceled it. I said I wasn't afraid, how being suicidal killed all my fears. I wish I could still say I felt the same.

Being suicidal was freeing, in a way. It's hard to explain if you've never been there. I was never nearly as scared to combine who knows what just to get a good high, and wasn't afraid of the euphoric feeling. I wasn't afraid of my own goddamn shadow back then. And it looks like I could think much more clearly to write my thoughts down back then because I WAS FUCKING MEDICATED FOR MY ADHD BACK THEN. Something I hope I can be again, if all the doctors didn't fucking suck and if I could fucking afford to see one in the first place. When I was taking adhd meds I could actually think straight and think one thought at a time instead of a bunch of fucking thoughts at once that turn into a live anxiety stream in my fucking brain.

I Am The Holy Ghost, And You Are Not.

The ASTEROIDS is the world's most elite and secret assassination and Black Operations team. They were formed by Lord Rothschild and initially worked as "security" for the International Monetary Fund as Economic Hitmen ensuring that all of Rothschild's objectives were being met. No Intelligence Agency or policing agency in the world has ever been able to go after them and I suspect none have even tried. The ASTEROIDS specialize in plane assassinations and with the technology advances now are the world's experts in Remote Hi-Jacking. Ten years ago I discovered the existence of the ASTEROIDS during my 911 research but all material has dissappeared from the web and if you search you will probably only find my mentions of them. Given what has transpired it would appear that even Russian Intelligence has no desire to go after or expose the ASTEROIDS. They are a key tool in establishing the New World Order and the key to unravelling 911. The ASTEROIDS and Rothschild have no qualms whatsoever over killing one or two or three or even ten thousand people to eliminate one. They enjoy such mass murder. If the world's Investigative Bodies ever really do their jobs and admit to the existence of the ASTEROIDS every plane crash, mass casualty event and convenient heart attack or other death in the last 28 years would have to be re-investigated and in the end Rothschild and the Banksters arrested, but no one will do so. That is the world we live in, run by psychotic mass-murdering criminals.

RIP deal souls on MH370.
The truth will come out.
Time is the only delay.

Yeah, welcome to the Con...

A world full of false hope and double speak Where underneath the words that you just heard you'll see what something means And that's a fucking scheme, basically they say That they're protecting all our freedoms while they're taking them away Send your baby off to war, oh wow, he dies And Obama gets to win a Nobel Peace Prize It's a fuckin' joke, nope, wow these eyes Are open now, I'm grown up, man you won't sell me lies In the meantime the world's waitin' To see what the future's gonna hold for its nations With some at odds on the topic of immigration It seems xenophobes are the problem that we're all faced with So we all band together to embrace it And join in the fight against racists and hatred But in truth this oasis we're chasin' Just really means globalisation It's basic, they know how your mind works so they shape it Right from our cot they got us locked within this Matrix It's like we can't escape it, every single day it's All over the news and spread across the papers No wonder people want to spend their nights sedated In a trance, going brain dead from entertainment Our masters have trained us to love our enslavement It's so far gone, now how the fuck can you save us..

When you can only either choose between A bunch of soulless politicians and controlled opposition In the end what's the difference? When they're bought by a fund, creatin' money out of thin air And the way that money's handled is so underhanded You start to feel like nothing's random once you understand it And amongst all the pay offs and chaos There's always something we should be afraid of Is it warzones or al qaeda Islamic state Pesticides, GMOs, vaccines, climate change Sometimes it's hard to tell what's real and what's not With all the stuff that's concealed and what not So while we're lost in this mass of confusion, the story goes Problem, reaction, solution before you know it Our sense of morality is gradually decayin' From all this subversion and perversion As we plug in and switch off Doped up on alcohol, violence, sex, drugs, and hip-hop..

We've been conned by these ideas that they wanted planted from the land of the free they feed us the the propaganda And while we can't see eye to eye They sit and watch our world fall apart by design So I'm sorry for the diatribe But I really feel like we can't afford to bide our time And nitpick little things and get sidetracked I just want you to see the bigger picture like iMax And realise that your mind's being highjacked And used as a means to an end that we're coming to 'Cause the idea of tyranny is nothing new They say that better days are comin', but it's just a ruse See you can either start uncoverin' the fuckin' truth Or just be another sucker, it's up to YOU.

Lisa,
I can't tell you how much you mean to me. I will do ANYTHING to get you back. ANYTHING. You've made me happy for the first time in twenty years and the most happy I've ever been in my entire life. I know you're a beautiful woman who probly gets hit on every day, but, I've never felt genuine affection by someone as gorgeous as you.

Ever vaporize DMT? If not don't worry, I'm not saying you should. I am saying I just got an ideal couch to vaporize it on. It can seat 7 people, you can sleep on it. A 7 foot guy could sleep on this bitch.

Needless to say my loveseat can make you feel fine too.

My living room is a DMT sanctuary now.

Yes I will be reporting on breaking through here.

I'm sitting here on my tiny little bed in this new place thinking about what is important to me. I have a full time job. I live 2500 miles from my family in this city I chose to try and make my life in. I can't help but feel the itching half closed wounds on my right leg where I carved it with a razor last week. "If it isn't hell then im not happy" it reads in half closed scar tissue. Such a true statement on the futility of my life.

I am never happy. I bounce between sad and numb. I always blamed the drugs but now that is gone and I realize it's just me. I've been sober 3 months. I don't forsee it lastin to 4. Truth is if I'm going to be miserable I would rather do it high.

There is this bridge not far from here. It's tall. Spanning the Mississippi river. I want to jump. I don't want to die though. I want someone to save me. I want to feel like someone cares. I know they don't though. I'm not loveable. I've known I was going to die alone since I was 12 years old. It's sad. But I love drugs and they love me back.

I've got 2300 dollars. Maybe I'll binge out and then jump? Probably just binge out

I am in no position to blog so I mean take it easy here. Cerebrally speaking. Energy is low.

Instead of roaming the streets for drugs why not grow psychedelic medicine at home? This is what I just talked myself into. Like I could source fungus no problem travelling to hippy shows around my region but seeing as I can just do something in my home like why bother?

What's your opinion on growing psilocybin at home? Would you do it? Do you agree that mushrooms are good for the brain and medicinal for the mind? I mean I saw science the other day showing how psilocybin can benefit the brain even more effectively than LSD.

Let's discuss this post please. This is a discussion post.

I am starting this tomorrow morning and will be updating it so I can keep track of my dreams. What better place to save my fucked up dreams than on a BL blog?

I need to explore psychedelics more for some reason. Now I feel blogging about DMT will be more appropriate than continuing to discuss it in my recovery log. This blog will touch on numerous molecules of a psychedelic nature before it ends. Yes it has an ending. I can't stay here forever blogging but I hope the experience offers something of value for myself and the readers. Fellow users actually.

The entries for now will be ponderings about DMT. I don't plan on using it right now if ever so I will be sharing my thoughts on what others are saying about it and speculating the use of it without actually planning using it. If I do use it I will blog about that.

Not a Flying Lotus fan but not a disliker either.



I honestly see myself using low doses just to feel it out before trying to breakthrough to God knows where. Somewhere in the multiverse I reckon light years away from here perhaps.

“Their life is mysterious, it is like a forest; from far off it seems a unity, it can be comprehended, described, but closer it begins to separate, to break into light and shadow, the density blinds one. Within there is no form, only prodigious detail that reaches everywhere: exotic sounds, spills of sunlight, foliage, fallen trees, small beasts that flee at the sound of a twig-snap, insects, silence, flowers.
And all of this, dependent, closely woven, all of it is deceiving. There are really two kinds of life. There is, as Viri says, the one people believe you are living, and there is the other. It is this other which causes the trouble, this other we long to see.”
― James Salter, Light Years

It's been forever since I checked into this blog. The problem is I mainly use my tablet for all of my internet needs because it fits into my purse, it goes everywhere with me, it's convenient, but it sucks for writing blog entries. I was turned down for my 4th and final time for my disability. I went through a major depression after that because there I was 50 something years old, hadn't worked in 6 years. I had lost my nursing license, as it was revoked due to getting busted for drugs during my 4 and a half year relapse period. I think I got busted 3 times in 2013, so bye bye licence. I no longer had a nursing license, but what I did have was a hefty criminal record for drugs. To top it off, I had a disability. I could no longer do the sort of work that I had done for years, which consisted of heavy lifting and constantly being on my feet from the time I arrived on the job, to the time it was to go home. I need a sit down job. So, all of this shit was going through my head. I felt old and pretty fuckin useless. I had seriously contemplated suicide because I didn't need this shit.

I did end up getting help from the Department of Rehabilitation. They got me in college to become a substance abuse counselor and paid for my first semester. I am now halfway through my second semester. Time is going by fast. At the suggestion of Narcotics Anonymous, I applied for a shitload of jobs in the recovery field and now work as support staff for a drug rehab facility. I'm still financially challenged, but I'm better off than when I was on General Relief collecting only $300/month. My car is 16 years old and beat up. It's in the shop again and I'm constantly wondering if it's going to take a major shit on me before I finish school and can work full time. I still feel better now that I am going to work and school, even if the work is only part time. Another thing that happened is that on Feb 25, 2019, I finally broke this 14 year period of celibacy. I'm 54 now and still have my looks, except for the fact that I have this extra 30 or 40 lbs I've had ever since I got clean.

I did manage to lose it. I worked my ass off with the help of a nutritionist and a drug called Topamax. It was used to prevent migraines, but a side effect was that it killed my appetite. I made use of that in conjunction with a much healthier diet and lost the weight. However, returning to school and after not having been there since the 80's was stressful. Also having to look for work and go on interviews was even more stressful. I don't smoke, drink, do drugs, hadn't gotten any dick since 2005, made me feel like I had to turn to food to de stress, which was stupid. The 30 or 40 lbs came back. Still I decided to try my luck with finding a hook up online and I did. I was worried he was going to be turned off by my weight, but he didn't seem to notice or care. He is out of town a lot, so I tried two other hook ups. They were fun, but not very available. Oh well. These have all been very young guys, the last one 24. LOL. I guess I've been going a bit crazy from horniness craving this young dick. Still the young ones are fun. Now, I need to get my mind off the dick and on my damn homework that I don't want to do.

I have been struggling with MDD and panic disorder for essentially half of my life. The onset was when I was 18 years of age and I am now 39 years old. My PDoc has tested out numerous medications, but they have been to no avail or ?poop out? fast. My PDoc recently suspected that I am on the spectrum for BiPolar Disorder because they only way I am able to tolerate SSRI?s is when I am on a mood stabilizer, otherwise I experience a mixed state. I am presently on Citalopram 15mg, and Lamictal 150mg (2x/ daily), which has stabilized the depression and helped with cognition and concentration, but the anxiety has persisted, so my therapist is stumped on what to prescribe next. She has prescribed three different benzo?s in the past and they made me more agitated and anxious (Klonopin, Ativan, Restoril), so I had a paradoxical response to those as well. I don?t sleep because my heart is palpitating constantly and I get tension headaches from the anxiety. She has prescribed every sleep medication under the sun, including Doxepin, so the anxiety won?t disrupt my sleep, but they have no afffect, even at high doses. The only thing that ever worked to alleviate the anxiety is Chloral Hydrate, but it is no longer available in the US. I am dealing with a lot of stressors right now, so I feel hopeless and am in despair: single parent of a child with ADHD, taking care of a father with Alzheimer?s, running a family
business . Is there an alternate Benzo I could try or another medication that might be effective?

Thank you!

So I'm a long time speculator, first time poster. Might be a thread about this somewhere, lol didn't feel like looking. So, as I'm writing this, keep in mind I'm feeling quite well on my subs. I'm so sick and tired of all the stigma that comes with getting on subs. Let's just say I'd much rather be on subs than methadone. So a little bit about me.. I've been popping pills on n off for about 6 years now. Probably longer. I just recently moved and finally found a doctor who can help me get on subs without insurance!! I literally pay $200 a month for my visit and meds included. I'm not opiate naive. That's for sure. I've been looking shit up on bluelight since I began in 2013.


Subs actually work if you let them. It's not like you take the subs and boom you're cured ??, foh. So my main DOC was morphine (don't fucking judge me) them things WORK. Especially when you're on 240+mgs a day. But one day I had enough with it and I found a sub someone gave me as payment. I took it, not expecting much... But holy crap, I felt WONDERFUL. I wasn't high but I didn't feel like shit, I immediately got up and started cleaning the house n shit going about my day. But then I got back into my DOC when I moved back to the old area. So now I'm actually on subs with doctors supervision and feel great about it. I've literally got the energy level I need to go out n get a job, a good paying one at that because ... Who screens for subs? Right? I mean does anyone have any imput as to a situation where they WERE screened at a regular blue collar job for subs?



Btw, I take the subs because I actually need them, im a bitch when it come to withdrawals ? I'm not afraid to admit that.

He lies on top of me out of breath. We lay together as I held him, he with his head on my breast as he was stroking my arm. I love it when a lover strokes my skin lightly with his hand. I find it both soothing and a turn on. I stroked the hair out of his face and gently kissed his face before getting up to use the john. I was all wet down there with both his bucket loads of cum inside me and me being extremely wet. Some of it was running down my leg before I had a chance to sit on the john. I decided to take a quick shower after using the toilet. I was a sweaty mess. Just as I was about to get in the shower, he walked in the bathroom to relieve himself. After he finished, he asked if he could join me. ?Sure, babe,? I said. ?Cory, wash my back, please?? I asked. I?ve been single for so long that it?s rare I get to ask someone to wash my back. Fourteen years to be exact. He lathers up the wash cloth and gently scrubs my back. ?Mmmmm thank you, babe.? ?Sure,? he said. ?Anything else you want me to wash?? ?You?re a bad boy. Go to my room!? I said. ?I guess I know the way by now,? he said with a smirk.

?Turn your back towards me,? I said. I then lathered him up and started washing his back before rinsing him off. I then kissed him on the back of his neck and behind his ears. ?You?re so fucking sexy, babe,? I said as I rubbed my hands up and down his chest, hugging him from behind. ?Fuck, I?m getting a boner again,? he said. I had a feeling that we were going to be at this all day and night. I?d forgotten how easy it was for guys his age to keep getting hard. Again. And again. And again. And again. Fuck me was I going to be sore. I took the soap and lathered up his chest and gently scrubbed him with the wash cloth. Next, I soaped up his ass cheeks and washed him thoroughly there and between his butt cheeks before rinsing him off. I could hear him groaning. ?God you got my cock all hard again,? he said. ?Good. We can stop now, get out of the shower so you can put your jeans back on because I want to do a photo shoot of you and your big old boner in your jeans,? I said playfully.

?Damn, you?re evil,? he said. ?Come on, Mami I?m horny again.? ?I bet you say that to all the girls,? I said. ?Only to the hottest ones in town,? he said. ?Come on, my cock is so hard. I want to fuck you BAD.? Pressing my tits against his back in the shower I told him I was going to have to do something about that hard cock of his before lathering up his small amount of pubic hair and rinsing him off. Next I lathered up his cock and balls and slowly started washing him with my hand. ?Oh fuck, that feels soo good,? he said. After I rinsed off his cock and balls, I turned my back towards him so that his cock was at the level of my ass. ?Now it?s your turn to wash me,? I said. ?Soap up my tits please.? His hands were gently cupping my breasts with soap and water. He had a raging hard on that I could feel up against my butt crack. I put soap on his hand and guided his hand to my pussy and thighs. ?Get me clean, Cory.? I felt his horny hand washing between the crack of my pussy lips and then I had him wash my ass. Now I was horny all over again.
After that I turned around to face him. I took his face between my hands, looked into his eyes and gave him a slow, deep kiss. I could hear his breathing become more rapid as I felt his heart rate quicken pressed against me. ?I fucking want you all over again, Cory,? I said. ?Oh fuck I want you too, Miss Ferrari,? he said. ?Call me Tanya. I think we?re past the formal stage, at least within these walls,? I said chuckling. Who was I now, Mrs. Robinson all over again? If there are any young people reading this, Mrs. Robinson was a character in the classic movie The Graduate. The twenty four year old (I think he was twenty four) was played by Dustin Hoffman and his neighbor that he?d known all his life Mrs. Robinson seduced him. I recall asking my Dad when I was eleven why he still called her Mrs. Robinson after they slept together and he said it?s because that?s what he had called her all his life. That was a bit too freaky for me, imagining Cory calling me Miss Ferrari, especially during sex. ?What?s so funny,? asked Cory. ?You calling me Miss Ferrari.? I started erupting in laughter and then said, ?I?m sorry, but you have GOT to see the humor in this!? He too started laughing a little.

I turned off the shower and then started kissing his neck. ?You have a VERY sexy neck, babe.? ?Thank you,? he said. We put our arms around each other and started necking. My hands slid up and down his back before grabbing two handfuls of butt cheeks. ?I fucking love your ass,? I said. ?You are soo firm.? Young guys and their hot, firm bodies, thinking about the one I had my hands on made me lust more after Cory. I kissed his chest, stopped at his nipples for a few seconds before running my tongue over them and then sucking them. I knew that he was a bundle of nerves, so whatever I did to him would send him through the roof. I started running my tongue further south just above his belly button. I stopped there, circling it on the outside with my tongue. I pulled his waist towards my mouth and then licked the inside of his belly button, kissing it. After I got on my knees, I lightly brushed the back of his ass cheeks with my fingers giving him goose bumps before taking my tongue and tracing his thighs with it, blowing on them. ?Oh fuck me,? he groaned.

His cock was good and rock hard and a bit bigger than I?d expect from a slim guy that was 5?9? tall. He sure deposited a big fat load inside me earlier. So, licking his balls and taking my tongue up to the base of his cock. ?OH FUCK!? He was squirming, so I took my time with my tongue and licking it all the way until I got to his shaft. I did quick, light flicks on the head of his cock with my tongue before finally putting my lips around his cock, gently sucking on the tip. I loved the subtle smell of sex that radiated from his groin area even though I just washed him. He smelled of horniness and sex mixed with soap and water. I started really sucking the head of his cock and got off listening to his moaning and rapid breathing. ?Oh yes baby, suck my cock. I?m so horny baby I want you so much!? I made yummy noises in my throat and started taking more of his cock into my mouth. ?OH FUUUUCK!? I messaged the area in between his ass and his balls as I was sucking his cock, gently pulling him into my mouth. ?Oh fuck, baby I?m going to cum!? I responded by sucking him harder and faster. ?DO IT!? I demanded. Soon there was his cum all over my face and tits. I loved hearing him moan and groan, ?Oh fuck, Oh fuck, Oh fuck me.? He leaned back against the shower, out of breath. I planted a soft kiss on his lips that now had a bit of his cum on them.

I took his hands, rubbed cum into my tits and rubbed some on my face. Semen is supposed to be very good for a woman?s soft skin. After running the shower for a minute to clean him up, I turned it off, dried us off. ?Let?s lie down for a few minutes,? I said. I wanted to cuddle a bit before the next round.

End part three

"Oh fuck yes, sweetheart," I said softly. "Baby that feels soo good. Do it like that. More please.' I could see and feel his confidence level going up and he eagerly started sucking my tits with more enthusiasm. "Fuck, Cory. Suck my tits sweetheart. Goddamn that feels good," I said as I was stroking his hair. How the hell did this happen? One minute I was in my 14th year of celibacy and the next second, I'm getting lucky. This was completely unexpected. I knew that I just needed to really get into enjoying him and help teach him a few things in the process. "Come here, Cory," I said. "Kiss me, baby." He had a nice little mane of long, brown hair that went down to his neck. It was soft, healthy, and a lot of it. His skin was tannish, brown. He was definitely part Hispanic, but he was definitely mixed. His brown hair and deep brown eyes were a huge turn on. His body which normally appeared a bit boyish, was now young, fit, and smooth.

"OHHH FUCK!," I said. I hadn't been kissed or laid since 2005. I was REALLY getting turned on. My full breasts were smashed against his smooth, boyish chest, a chest that would turn into adult manhood beauty, a more mature version. I would love to see what kind of body Cory will one day have, although I certainly had no expectations. I wasn't sure if this was going to be a one night stand on an ongoing fwb thing, but I half hoped it was a one time deal because I knew I could get into a shitload of trouble if anyone ever discovered that I had an indiscretion with a student, even though he was 18. I loved feeling his chest up against mine. I loved his enthusiasm which more than compensated for his lack of experience. "Put your tongue all the way in my mouth, Cory. Fuck you turn me on!" I felt his hot, hungry tongue against mine, his lips kissing and lapping mine up. "Goddamn you feel so good, Cory!" My breathing had become very rapid. Fuck I wanted him so much! I wanted him as much as he wanted me.

And here I had regretted answering the door after he had gotten here. Now I'm so glad that I did. "Cory, honey knead my breasts for me." He put his hand over one of them, messaging it. "I love the way you're touching me baby. So tell me, Cory do you think my tits are real?" That may have been a moot question. Since he was still a virgin, there's no telling how many breasts he'd felt. "Yes. I love them," he said in a breathy voice. I took one of my hands and felt the bulge in his jeans. "Oh fuck yeah, baby," I said as I felt his nice, young cock that was rock hard under those jeans. "Honey, I'm taking your jeans off, but leave your underwear on," I said. "You'll understand why soon enough." It was my intention to message his ass cheeks and to do a real thorough job of it. There are a lot of sensual message areas on the ass. I wanted to give him a treat. "Lie on your stomach, Cory," I said. He did so reluctantly. "I'm going to message that cute, tight, little ass of yours," I said.

I started rubbing his ass cheeks through his underwear and then I pulled them down to his knees. I then started rubbing his bare ass, doing slow, sensual strokes with my hands, grabbing it, kneading it, licking it, kissing it. "Fuck you are sexy as hell, Cory!" I said. "So are you!," he said moaning. "Turn over, sweetheart," I said. He turned over and he was rock hard. I started messaging his thighs, kissing them, dripping ice water from my mouth over his navel. He laughed and squirmed a bit. "Good," he said. "I was afraid I was going to cum," he said. "No worries. If that happens, we'll just start all over again," I said. He seemed a bit reassured. Getting up off the bed, I unbuckled my jeans and turned around. I slowly wiggled my ass out of them so that he could enjoy a slow, sensual strip tease and then grabbed my ankles giving him more anticipation.

"Give me your hand, Cory," I said. My panties were completely saturated with pussy juice. I tend to over lubricate when I get very excited. Putting his fingers in my flooded pussy, I said, "Touch me there," He groaned. "Oh my God," he said. I turned on my back and guided his hand. "Put your fingers in my pussy, Cory. See how turned on you got me, babe?" "OH FUUUUCK!," he said. "Now bring that cock over to my tits. I want you to titty fuck me, babe." I sandwhiched his cock between my tits telling him, "That's right, Cory, fuck my tits baby!" After a few minutes we stopped and I asked him to finger fuck my pussy. "Fuck my pussy with your fingers! Make me cum, sweetheart!" Moaning and groaning and panting loud, "Yess baby, fucking YESS!! I took his hand and slammed it in and out of my tight, wet, hole. "Get on top of me, Cory!," I commanded. I guided his cock inside me after he got on top of me. "Now fuck me, Cory, fuck me slow. Put your arms around me. Kiss me," I said as I wrapped my arms and legs around him, pulling him further inside me.

"Ah baby, yes," I said through heavy breathing. "You feel so fucking great, baby," I said. I could hear him panting and moaning. "Fuck me hard and fast now, Cory! Come on, it's alright, now look into my eyes, baby. I want to stare right into your eyes as you cum. Come on now, DO IT!!! There was a lot of heavy panting and moaning between the two of us. "Oh fuck I'm cumming!," he said through his breaths. I grabbed squeezed his ass hard and pulled him into me. "Cum baby, CUM!" I said. "Look into my eyes, baby. Come on Cory!," There was moaning, groaning, followed by an "OH FUUUUCK!" I looked deep into his eyes as he surrendered and gave himself to me. I knew there was no way this was going to be our only night together.

End part 2

Cory

3/19/19

So I was substitute teaching for this one guy, a co-worker who was quite military. I wasn't quite sure what the hell I was really doing there. I was just anxious to get the job done, get the hell out of there and go home. Home to The Rolling Stones. My safe haven is my music. Mick Jagger and I go way back. Anyway, there I was daydreaming about The Rolling Stones music. I dismissed the class and everyone left, that is except this one guy that was staring at me.

"Are your tits real?," he asked. "Excuse me?" I said. Who the fuck was this guy? "Are your tits real?", he asked again. "Seriously, dude are you REALLY going to ask me that after my big, long speech about sexual harassment?" "Are they real or aren't they?" he insisted. I do have size 42 DDD breasts, and while they are obviously large, I was dressed in a professional manner, not a hint of cleavage or any skin tight blouse foolishness. This kid was one irritating, brazen, rude individual. "Damn millennials",I said under my breath.

"What's your name?," I asked. "Cory," he said. "So?" he asked me expectantly. I don't know what the hell came over me, but I heard myself command him softly, "Cory, come here." He walked over to me, by the wall and then I pushed him softly against the wall and then planted a passionate kiss on his neck. I then pushed a friend's business card into his hand. "I will be at this motel tonight," I said softly. "You be there and YOU can tell ME if my breasts are real or not," I said calmly. The thing is that there was some convention or some damn thing going on that pretty much the whole school was going to.

All the nerds were going to be there and I knew he was one of them. "I can't because of the convention," he said. "I guess you'll never find out then," I said and started to walk away. "Oh COME ON! THAT'S NOT FAIR!" He said. This damn kid was actually arguing with me and he wouldn't shut up. "FINE!" I said, "Be there next Thursday. Goodbye, Cory." I then walked away. So the next week happened without incident, my coworker came back to his teaching position and I had forgotten all about Cory. That is until he showed up the following week and caught me completely off guard.

I couldn't believe it when I opened the door. "What the? Cory? What are you doing here?" I demanded. "You invited me, remember? Are you going to invite me in or what?," he said. "Cory, how old are you?" I demanded. "18," he said. "Show me your ID, or you don't get in this door," I said. He then produced a real Cali ID that said he was Corionado Tapia Salazar Montenegro born 4/13/00. So he really was 18. Damn. Couldn't use the excuse that he was legally a minor. "FUXAKE!" I swore, and letting him inside. Jesus Christ I wished that I was still on drugs so that I could down a strong drink, pop some pills, or something.

I was nervous as hell because it had been 14 years since I had gotten any dick and I knew where this situation was going to lead. "Cory, your manners suck," I stammered out. "Why do you say that?" "Are my tits real? Jesus what the hell kind of student asks his teacher a question like that?" "Are they?" he asked. Here we go again. "I don't know, Cory. I forgot. Maybe you could help me out and tell me," I said. What the hell made me back him up against the wall last week and then plant a serious, hardcore kiss on his neck last week? I'm a smart ass by nature, especially when confronted with kids like him.

Still, that had been a very bad move on my part. He could file charges of sexual harassment against me. So, there I was confronted with a young, horny, inexperienced kid. Was he a virgin? I wondered. Damn I sure could use a drink and I don't even drink! I'm 5 and a half years sober. I've been done with that whole mess for a while now, so instead I took a couple deep breaths and took a couple of non narcotic anti anxiety pills. I never really feel any effect. I think they are more psychological than anything. So, after I calmed down a bit, I sat down on the bed and patted the spot next to me.

"Please sit down, Cory," I said. He did what he was told, but I sensed a bit of nervous energy. "You don't have to stay if you don't want, ok? Don't feel like you're being held against your will or anything," "No, I'm ok," he said. "So are you in the habit of asking all of your teachers if their tits are real or not?" I asked. "No, you're the first one," he said. " So how the hell did I get do lucky," I said. "I don't know," he said. "Are you a virgin?" I asked very matter of fact. "What? Why?", he asked. "Well are you or not?," I persisted. He said nothing. "Ok I guess you'll never get the answer to your question," I said. "Goodbye, Mr. Montenegro, " I said.

"Ok, yes why," he finally admitted. "I don't know, Cory. Why is it so damn important for you to know whether or not my tits are real?" "I don't know," he said. "You really need to come up with a better answer than that," I said. "What for," he said. This guy was a piece of work. I got up, dimmed the lights. I started unbuttoning my blouse. "Take your shirt off, sweetheart," I said softly. "Unless of course you don't want to know whether or not my tits are real. His shirt came off real quick. I started to undo my bra and his hand reached for my breast. "Oh no, you don't." I said. "Not yet."

His eyes seemed to literally bulge out of his head when he saw my bare breasts for the first time. "Lie next to me, Cory," I said. "Kiss me." I could feel his body heat radiating off of him. Taking his hand, "Touch me here," I said. "Oh these are nice," he said barely above a whisper. Kiss me here. Touch me there. Suck my left nipple. Now suck my right one. I moaned softly as he started to suck my tits. "Yess like that baby boy," I said.

End part one

I swear I was just there. We where sitting around Mike's kitchen table doing MXE. How the fuck was that 7 years ago? It hurts my heart to think about. All the events in between then and now seem like little windows I should be able to climb in and out of. I feel like they all have a life of their own.

If I could pick one night to relive which one would it be? More importantly who would it be with? I think that's what it took me my entire 20s to figure out. It wasn't about which DJ or band I saw or which drug I took. It was about who I was with. The connection we formed. That feeling in my stomach I get when I think about them.

I'll miss my youth but I won't miss my ignorance. I damn sure won't miss my arogance. Thinking I could control the uncontrollable. Thinking that reading the abstract of a paper online made me an expert on a subject. Realizing I understand less at 30 then I did at 20 is humbling but it's beautiful. Admitting i have no answers and I don't know shit is the hardest thing I've ever done. But denying that truth would be a lie and I'm done with the lies. Especially to myself.

ive been with at a loss of words or voice for so long. i have no idea what to do or how to operate under these conditions. hes gone....what do i do now?
"stupid staceface"
it plagues me
his last words
i loved him more than he would ever fucking know and it kills me.
the god father of my child
my daughters fathers best friend
he introduced us
god dammit it has no words
noah....fucking noah
i loved chris...i still do but you were my first love and you fucking knew it, didnt you?
asshole.
such an asshole.
holding you that last time....we built that fire...you kissed me and it was god damn everything i ever wanted. you fucked it up didnt you?
playing with guns
you tragic majestic beast
no one could ever know.
im it. to know that side of you and you fucking left.
fuck you

and fuck you too matt
for leaving when i needed you the most
when noah shot himself in the fucking head and you contacted me
you said youd be here for me
you said we were best friends
but you werent here for me at all when i needed you
fuck you for calling me
fuck you for choosing heroin
i was there for you
fuck you for not being there for ME when i needed you as you said
im fucking pissed
now youre dead and theres no more games or comfort or life or anything

fuck both of you for leaving
fuck you guys for leaving me without your influence
you were both my best Friends
and i hate you both for it because theres nobody else that could fill your shoes and im sitting here like an asshole wishing i could talk to either one of you and i cant. it was so easy to do so in the past....noah wouldve answered. noah wouldve been there. noah....
noah...you beautiful god damn bastard. you were so immune to pain...or you acted like it. so proud. so fucking physical and logical. i miss your hands on my arms, miss that quick wit that left me picking for a retort. miss you holding me tighter as i pulled away. you awoken a side of me that was repressed since adolescence...back when we were in high school...when you held that umbrella for me....when you pinned me against the wall before you kissed me at the cabin when i was fifteen. to find out you were with hope nunely.....jesus...it broke me. but i still wanted you in my life. needed your input.
i wish i could tell you now....
i should have told you
we were so close....and you introduced chris....then malaura....
then we stated up again after chris...
god dammit its too much
too much of my life was intertwined in you

i cant look at my daughter without thinking of you
her eyes arent yours but i see you in her speech
chris may have hated us together after he and i
but i loved you more than anything ive ever not created
i just wish you knew

All my life I?ve been a rebellious son. At the age of twelve I smoked my first joint.

It opened up a whole new world for me. I moved from Ok to TN. At thirteen to 17 o smoked weed when I could. At 16 my stepsister died in a autobobile accident. I was a a crusade when I came home and found she died.

I did a slight 180. It was kinda scary.


I moved back to Oklahoma November of 2002. In 03 I was shipped off to Job Corps. I didn?t like the atmosphere and was intrigued by ecstasy. I went awal.

I lived in the big city of Oklahoma. I was doing every drug I could get my hands on. In 2004 I met a chick from the clubs. Yeah right, the perfect place to find love. My main drug abuse was meth. In May of 05 after doing so many drugs I got very paranoid that I gave her HIV. that month I went to the department of human services to see about a blood test.


I was so paranoid that I walked out and walked all around OKC IN no certain direction. I finally went to a pay phone and called the cops. The person that picked up was a Gay K9 officer I stole about 20 grams of pure cocaine that was for his dog. I go back to jail and dry out. I told the judge I was guilty cuz I thought I was in there for passing a STD.


I get out and I thought I was in a dawn of the dead movie. I take five ecstasy to end my life. I make a scene at a gas station and go back to jail.


I was thrown to the floor. Felt like I was raped. Thrown into a stretcher and shot up in both forearms. They took a sample of blood and off to the hospital and the. Detox. I wake up and I?m completely out of it.


The next day I go to my ex?s house and make a scene in front of the entire neighborhood. I go back to jail and I?m out over night. The next day I bring my ex over and tell her I gave her HIV,


She leaves and I started losing it so I ran to a house and broke their window.

I go back to jail but but this time I was completely out of it.

Long story short I was in jail for two months. Get beat up pretty bad and finally get our. Over the course of a few more months I was literally the most fearful thing to go thru. I finally start snapping out of it and my ex breaks up with me. In May of 06 I started going thru that psychosis/tribulation again.

This time I said heck no and gave my life to Jesus. I had the most explosive profound experience ever. For two years I was of fire for God,

In 08 I was hit with obsessive thoughts that terrified me. In that summer I was struggling so bad. Since then I?ve struggled, but that experience was there just to wet my appetite.


Folks here I am today to say if you?re lonely, feeling forsakenef and whatever you are going through.

God loves you and wants a intimate relationship with you.


I really wished I had a one on one talk with someone before I got into all the crap I did.

It's the little things in life that count.

[NOTE: This was just sitting here as a draft for how many years, so, I thought I would publish it. Orlando was fuckin' awesome.]

Today I busted out my log of rolling sessions that I've kept track of over the years. Its absolutely not complete. From everything I could gather from the 2 text files I have and my posts on PillReports, I counted up 47 different experiences with MDMA, since September, 2003. Despite what I could actually find written down, the number of separate occasions that I would tell you (just keeping track in my head over the years) I've used MDMA on is closer to 70. So, split the difference, make it even, and that's 58 separate MDMA experiences EASILY. there could be 10 more. there could be 5 more. but there definitely couldn't be less than 58. so let's go with 58. maybe even round up to 60 just because its cleaner than 58 and its a very probable number. So, ok, 60 for my grand lifetime guestimate total separate MDMA experiences. I count 23 separate experiences alone, from my first to my last experiences, while living in Orlando. That time frame is from 4/2/05-8/27/05. Basically, at ~4.75 months, that's 4 months and 3 weeks. A week shy of 5 months, we'll say. Fuck it, 5 months. I rolled ~23 times in ~5 months - according to the documentation I could find. Again, according to the documentation available, I took ~62 rolls in ~145 days. 1 in April. 7 in May. ~21 in June. ~14 in July. ~15 in August. IDK why that comes out to 58, but, ok, we'll split the difference on those #s, and we have 60 rolls I took in the last 5 months I lived in Orlando. At $14/each (just to make it easy, I'll just say i got all those 60 for the same price - they were from the same person, so it probably evens out anyway), that's $840 spent on MDMA in 5 months. Still doesn't seem like THAT much. That's because the numbers are more than what I could find, but we'll go with $840, for the sake of this entry. So, if my math is right, in 145 days, that's $5.80/day average I spent on MDMA. $14 in April. $98 in May. $287 in June. ~$192 in July. $249 in August. In that same ~5 month time frame, I rolled two days in-a-row 6 different times. Out of those 6 different, let's say, 48-hour sessions, twice I took 6.5 pills. So, in that 5 months, the most pills I took in a 48-hour time frame was 6.5. At $14/each, that comes out to $91. So, on two separate occasions, I spent over $90 on MDMA in 48hrs. For someone that had no income at the time, that's pretty ridiculous. I took 24 green hearts in 42 days - http://www.ecstasydata.org/view.php?id=1446. I took ~20 blue AT&Ts/waves in 48 days - http://www.ecstasydata.org/view.php?id=1481. Those were some pretty serious rolls, too. I'd put each of them at at least 100mg MDMA. So, roughly 2.4g of 'green heart' stamped MDMA pills in almost 5 weeks. Roughly 2g of 'blue AT&T' stamped MDMA pills in just over 5 weeks. ~4.4g of MDMA (clean ass MDMA) in 10 weeks. And that's not even counting the pink girl scouts - which were exactly the same as the blue AT&Ts. I have 5 of those logged in 4 days. The actual number is probably 4 times that. Aside from the stamps I already mentioned, I also had 1 (for sure only 1) blue Thai Airways, 3.5 (documented - I would again quadruple that #) green maple leafs, 2 (for sure only 2) purple D&Gs, and 1 (documented - I ABSOLUTELY bought a 10-pack of these, how many I actually ate myself, I can't be sure) of those fantastic MDA white "1"s - http://www.ecstasydata.org/view.php?id=1245. Most would probably consider this information useless, but I find it interesting. I lived in Orlando for around 18 months and this is less than a 1/3rd of that. Those were a pretty crazy last 5 months. I think anyone would agree with that. Just imagine if I kept a cocaine log. That would be the other 2/3rds. Not to mention, I smoked ($25/$50-$30/$60 - there were no regs in Orlando that I can remember) nearly every day of those 18 months. But, anyway, this was really more for me. If you were entertained at all by this entry, cool beans . If not, I'm not gonna lose any sleep over it.

Here's ALL the logs (not just Orlando) I could find, btw:

http://www.wattpad.com/5786971-mdma-experience-log-1-2-2003-2006

http://www.wattpad.com/5788498-mdma-experience-log-2-2-2006-2010

PLUR,
beanfiend