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Looking back, I know that had I known how to dress with my figure, had the confindence and experience my own mom had at my age years younger----men would have flocked to me. Others damaged me, but ultimately, as the steps taught me, it was cathartic releasing the pain/the hurt of the past, understanding came, and with time more was revealed. Most learn from visual, some learn from listening best, the smallest from touch or doing. I'm in the 3rd group, but I didn't know it. Realization came from reading a lot, so I now know to tell someone to supervise me as I learn the new task---because THEN it will stick.
I don't have all the answers, as I still don't know why in spite of working so hard to lose the weight I gained the right way while clean.....my obsession with food never left me. The Tramadol however after 9 months of chronic fatigue is the reason I went back out. I just had to kick it and I want to feel alive again, which for a while I do. I did well as a ritalin child mom told me. I couldn't focus or concentrate which is probably the reason all my half sibs from Tony---who has ADD as well---never finished high school, or could read/write worth a damn. Dropping out of 10th grade is a tradition I found out later in the Tarantino family, but thank Christ my Mom, Gramma hell great gramma were teachers, educated and didn't believe I was stupid and put me in an insitution for retards like the so called professionals told them to. I'm so glad.
I'm glad I finished High school and didn't drop out of 10th grade, & am glad because of that I CAN read and write, seeing as how much I love both. Once I felt better going back on the speed, eventually I lost weight and had forgotten how great it felt to be able to WALK and move again, and finally the gift of actually being attractive again. I am still retaining the 15 lbs I hated as a teen, but I laugh cause once feeling what it was like to be REALLY fat----fuck I'll never complain about my current weight, in fact am quite happy with it now. So, I feel quite happy/gifted/grateful --- every bit as intensely as I been and get frustrated for the lack of money, and I do have this problem of laziness. I don't want to deal with mundane crap this creates problems. I tell the younger insecure girl I once was (in spite of my habit/addiction) I'm not stupid at all, don't even trip and 15 lbs is fine so to hell with what others think that may or may not intend me harm & to send out good vibes, give my troubles to the universe & let them dissolve. There really is no need for self hate. So, 10/4/10 I turned 46. I'm not fat, I'm met to be alone to find myself and if I want to choose an occasional sex partner wisely, well proceed with caution, but I no longer feel something is wrong just because I'm not, nor ever have been married.
My cell charger broke--again---and of course so did my pc monitor at home so I've been typing on friends pc. No way to edit now for the time that's why the errors by the way. Later folks. Hope I get my shit back soon.
...More
Ahh its friday im sitting around my dorm in pre-dope mode. How much longer before I can feel that sickly warm blanket spread over me. God damn stilll at least ten hours away. One complication is that my dad cut the service to my phone so thats gonna be a bitch trying to get ahold of my people. But I will make it happen very little can stop me in the pursuit of heroin. I am standing on the edge of a mountain with this addiction its gonna get me again. Oh well "Farther up and further in".
Fuck a duck I just freaken lost my cocksucking introduction GRRRRR! Short version: Copped a pleasant buzz from the pills, started goofing off writing a rediculous title "Cocksuckers Rule" in order to test out this font, then got into it and changed the title, and started REALLY writing. Some names have been changed to protect the guilty haha
A History of T. J -- Biological Background
During the spring of 1969 my kid sister so named Crystal Joyce Moon was born to Sharon Le Rose, a 17 year old unwed mother and Raymond Anthony Tarantino, a 28 year old out of work playboy in Scottsdale, Arizona. Tony, the name my birth father goes by told me in the summer of 1996 that he refused to marry Sharon because he had been living with a wealthy older woman & wasn’t about to trade a life on easy street to one of a responsible father/husband that actually had to support a family. He said my Mother Carla back in 1964 ,the year I was born had been the only woman to ever “dump” him, which broke his heart & therefore hardened his heart towards women/romance.
Of course, he also admitted too, that his own father Dominic Tarantino had raised & taught him that as a male, he did NOT have to work, & in fact, because of his exceptional good looks, bona fide male model material, wouldn’t & shouldn’t ever have to work. Tony’s parents Elizabeth & Dominic had catered to him his entire life. Dominic held an occasional part time job as a security guard, going to work when & if he felt like it only. Mama T, the name I had given her growing up, even though I never met her had the burden of not only raising the children, waiting on her husband hand & foot, but had the additional burden of supporting the family as well.
Mom had told me the same thing during the years I was growing up & I always somehow sensed she had been telling me the truth. She never bad mouthed my birth father, & I’ve always thought she was a hell of a woman for being able to hold her tongue about his shortcomings until I was an adult, and even then, only because I had asked for the truth. My intuition was affirmed one night when I had been 15 years old & staying with my grandparents, my Mother’s side. My Grandmother had been drunk & we always had deep conversations regarding all sorts of subjects, & I have to hand it to my Grandparents, God rest their souls, they too, never once bad mouthed Tony. My Grandfather said nothing, even though I found out years later that he hated Tony for what he had done, or I guess I should say had NOT done, which was to be a responsible father/husband.
The entire time my Grandfather was alive, he had only said one thing in reference to Tony, & only then because I had made a statement/question one day growing up saying, “Mom told me that you disapproved of her marrying Tony,” to which he simply stated, “Yes I did,” in a regimented tone of voice. The way he had finalized his statement told me loud & clear that he was not willing to discuss the subject any further. Looking back, I know the unspoken reason why not. My Grandfather didn’t have anything nice to say about Tony, hated him, but wanted to refrain from dogging my birth father. As an adult, I am amazed at the restraint both of my dear Grandparents demonstrated.
Grandma, on the other hand, was willing to elaborate & go into much more detailed discussions unlike my Grandfather, a trait that is pretty typical usually way more so in women than in men. I am grateful to both my Mother and Grandmother and hell women in general because usually it is through speaking and writing with other women I was able and am able now to gather more insight into men that are normally silent or shall I say, very direct & limited in their willingness to dispense information. I know it has to do with the chemical differences of how male and female brains work & are put together. My entire life up until the point I met Tony, as far as half the riddle of my genetic self/traits was a mystery.
I remember once seeing a movie many years ago on T.V. about Malcolm X. He so named himself, at least the “X”part, because he had no idea of either one or both of his biological parents, or -- perhaps it was his roots further back in his genealogy he was unsure of. The latter is probably true, but he so named himself Malcolm X because the answer to who he really was genetically,(due to the disgraceful American slave trade up until 1864) eluded him. I forget if it was his birth parents or further back in his lineage he was unaware of, but I so empathized with him because half of who I was had been, and probably always would be a mystery to me, or so I thought until I was 32 & after meeting Tony face to face. Some adopted friends I’ve known growing up could care less if they ever found out who their birth parents were while others were very or at least slightly curious to meet or at least know about their biological parents.
While I respect my peers not wanting to know more about their biological folks, I’ve never been able to understand how a person couldn’t be at least curious about who their parents were or where they came from, because even though their adoptive parents may be the only parents they would ever perhaps love & respect, the fact remains that genetics has a profound influence on who we are as individuals--regardless of whether or not we were raised by one or both of our birth parents. So, up until age 32, half of who I was, not so much spiritually, but genetically, had been a mystery to me. It felt like a loss somehow, or half a riddle, a riddle I would always remain unless and until I got to meet Tony or at least some relative like his sister Diane, my paternal Aunt who could fill in the blanks of this missing information.
My Grandmother, had told me as a teenager (or sometime) that Tony “was half exceptional and half nothing” or “half good and half nothing,” was the phrase she used. On the one hand Tony had been a lazy, undisciplined spoiled brat, a little spoiled boy in a man’s body, but on the other hand in spite of an aborted education, was highly intelligent, talented, and extremely handsome. I have seen pictures of Tony as a young man and Christ he was every bit as handsome as my Mother was drop dead gorgeous as a young woman. I am proud to have had beautiful parents because the artist in me, my love and appreciation for beauty in people, places, and things both physical and spiritual is stirred.
I am 46 now, or will be in 7 days & ever since the age of 32, have truly appreciated the fact that Mom was beautiful and Tony drop dead handsome. Mom approaching 67 years as of Oct 19, is in fact STILL a supreme beauty for her age, If not for being 60 lbs over weight, she would be a definite 10 for her age group. She has no wrinkles, flawless skin, and looks 17 years younger than she is, and as I said, if the extra weight was not there, she would probably look younger than me. Both my Mom and Tony had gifts and beauty, gifts my Mother made the best of and in fact became extremely successful both financially AND spiritually, while Tony for the most part did not. He too is or at least was quite handsome for his age. He was 64 the last time I saw him, but sadly, unlike my Mother, threw his gifts away for the most part.
He utilized his exceptional looks, as Dominic taught him, and made his living off women most of his life. He was successful somehow for about (I’m guessing) 2-3 years at robbing armored trucks and told me he had had literally thousands and thousands of dollars that came and went. He told me in 1996 he never had anything to show for it because he spent money every bit as fast as he made it. He had been successful also at eluding law enforcement for I’m not sure how long—for both multiple felonies of robbing armored trucks, as well as at least one, if not multiple counts of having had sexual intercourse with a minor or minors, of which my little half sis, sweet little Crys, had been born to, hence the beginning of Baby girl Le Rose born June 9, 1969, latter named Crystal Joyce or C.J. Moon, the name given to her by the parents that had adopted her back in 1969….(to be continued…should you, dear reader care to read more...? )---T.J. Tarantino Sept 27, 2010
The 1st pic below taken Dec of 64 with Mom, Tony, & I, which was only 1 of 2 pics I had seen of Tony until age 32. The 2nd pic was taken Dec of 65 right around the time Tony was literally and metaphorically no longer "in the picture" haha.
A History of T. J -- Biological Background
During the spring of 1969 my kid sister so named Crystal Joyce Moon was born to Sharon Le Rose, a 17 year old unwed mother and Raymond Anthony Tarantino, a 28 year old out of work playboy in Scottsdale, Arizona. Tony, the name my birth father goes by told me in the summer of 1996 that he refused to marry Sharon because he had been living with a wealthy older woman & wasn’t about to trade a life on easy street to one of a responsible father/husband that actually had to support a family. He said my Mother Carla back in 1964 ,the year I was born had been the only woman to ever “dump” him, which broke his heart & therefore hardened his heart towards women/romance.
Of course, he also admitted too, that his own father Dominic Tarantino had raised & taught him that as a male, he did NOT have to work, & in fact, because of his exceptional good looks, bona fide male model material, wouldn’t & shouldn’t ever have to work. Tony’s parents Elizabeth & Dominic had catered to him his entire life. Dominic held an occasional part time job as a security guard, going to work when & if he felt like it only. Mama T, the name I had given her growing up, even though I never met her had the burden of not only raising the children, waiting on her husband hand & foot, but had the additional burden of supporting the family as well.
Mom had told me the same thing during the years I was growing up & I always somehow sensed she had been telling me the truth. She never bad mouthed my birth father, & I’ve always thought she was a hell of a woman for being able to hold her tongue about his shortcomings until I was an adult, and even then, only because I had asked for the truth. My intuition was affirmed one night when I had been 15 years old & staying with my grandparents, my Mother’s side. My Grandmother had been drunk & we always had deep conversations regarding all sorts of subjects, & I have to hand it to my Grandparents, God rest their souls, they too, never once bad mouthed Tony. My Grandfather said nothing, even though I found out years later that he hated Tony for what he had done, or I guess I should say had NOT done, which was to be a responsible father/husband.
The entire time my Grandfather was alive, he had only said one thing in reference to Tony, & only then because I had made a statement/question one day growing up saying, “Mom told me that you disapproved of her marrying Tony,” to which he simply stated, “Yes I did,” in a regimented tone of voice. The way he had finalized his statement told me loud & clear that he was not willing to discuss the subject any further. Looking back, I know the unspoken reason why not. My Grandfather didn’t have anything nice to say about Tony, hated him, but wanted to refrain from dogging my birth father. As an adult, I am amazed at the restraint both of my dear Grandparents demonstrated.
Grandma, on the other hand, was willing to elaborate & go into much more detailed discussions unlike my Grandfather, a trait that is pretty typical usually way more so in women than in men. I am grateful to both my Mother and Grandmother and hell women in general because usually it is through speaking and writing with other women I was able and am able now to gather more insight into men that are normally silent or shall I say, very direct & limited in their willingness to dispense information. I know it has to do with the chemical differences of how male and female brains work & are put together. My entire life up until the point I met Tony, as far as half the riddle of my genetic self/traits was a mystery.
I remember once seeing a movie many years ago on T.V. about Malcolm X. He so named himself, at least the “X”part, because he had no idea of either one or both of his biological parents, or -- perhaps it was his roots further back in his genealogy he was unsure of. The latter is probably true, but he so named himself Malcolm X because the answer to who he really was genetically,(due to the disgraceful American slave trade up until 1864) eluded him. I forget if it was his birth parents or further back in his lineage he was unaware of, but I so empathized with him because half of who I was had been, and probably always would be a mystery to me, or so I thought until I was 32 & after meeting Tony face to face. Some adopted friends I’ve known growing up could care less if they ever found out who their birth parents were while others were very or at least slightly curious to meet or at least know about their biological parents.
While I respect my peers not wanting to know more about their biological folks, I’ve never been able to understand how a person couldn’t be at least curious about who their parents were or where they came from, because even though their adoptive parents may be the only parents they would ever perhaps love & respect, the fact remains that genetics has a profound influence on who we are as individuals--regardless of whether or not we were raised by one or both of our birth parents. So, up until age 32, half of who I was, not so much spiritually, but genetically, had been a mystery to me. It felt like a loss somehow, or half a riddle, a riddle I would always remain unless and until I got to meet Tony or at least some relative like his sister Diane, my paternal Aunt who could fill in the blanks of this missing information.
My Grandmother, had told me as a teenager (or sometime) that Tony “was half exceptional and half nothing” or “half good and half nothing,” was the phrase she used. On the one hand Tony had been a lazy, undisciplined spoiled brat, a little spoiled boy in a man’s body, but on the other hand in spite of an aborted education, was highly intelligent, talented, and extremely handsome. I have seen pictures of Tony as a young man and Christ he was every bit as handsome as my Mother was drop dead gorgeous as a young woman. I am proud to have had beautiful parents because the artist in me, my love and appreciation for beauty in people, places, and things both physical and spiritual is stirred.
I am 46 now, or will be in 7 days & ever since the age of 32, have truly appreciated the fact that Mom was beautiful and Tony drop dead handsome. Mom approaching 67 years as of Oct 19, is in fact STILL a supreme beauty for her age, If not for being 60 lbs over weight, she would be a definite 10 for her age group. She has no wrinkles, flawless skin, and looks 17 years younger than she is, and as I said, if the extra weight was not there, she would probably look younger than me. Both my Mom and Tony had gifts and beauty, gifts my Mother made the best of and in fact became extremely successful both financially AND spiritually, while Tony for the most part did not. He too is or at least was quite handsome for his age. He was 64 the last time I saw him, but sadly, unlike my Mother, threw his gifts away for the most part.
He utilized his exceptional looks, as Dominic taught him, and made his living off women most of his life. He was successful somehow for about (I’m guessing) 2-3 years at robbing armored trucks and told me he had had literally thousands and thousands of dollars that came and went. He told me in 1996 he never had anything to show for it because he spent money every bit as fast as he made it. He had been successful also at eluding law enforcement for I’m not sure how long—for both multiple felonies of robbing armored trucks, as well as at least one, if not multiple counts of having had sexual intercourse with a minor or minors, of which my little half sis, sweet little Crys, had been born to, hence the beginning of Baby girl Le Rose born June 9, 1969, latter named Crystal Joyce or C.J. Moon, the name given to her by the parents that had adopted her back in 1969….(to be continued…should you, dear reader care to read more...? )---T.J. Tarantino Sept 27, 2010
The 1st pic below taken Dec of 64 with Mom, Tony, & I, which was only 1 of 2 pics I had seen of Tony until age 32. The 2nd pic was taken Dec of 65 right around the time Tony was literally and metaphorically no longer "in the picture" haha.
I finally saw my doc today. She started asking about "propholactic" meds I could take, and a minor panic set in, although I was able to play it cool. "Na tried that, didn't work," I'd said twice to two different drugs she named. One of them, I had in fact tried and knew didn't work, the other I hadn't, but thought fast and added, "but the "triptans" really work also." "Triptans" for those of you that don't know what I'm talking about are a class of non narcotic & I know for a fact non addictive drugs I've taken on & off since 1992 or 1993.
However, because of the fact that even all of this time later, there still is no generic equivalent to any of these drugs & furthermore due to this economy, practically zero pharmaceutical sales representatives come by the office and drop off any samples anymore. It had been 6 months at least since I'd gotten a hold of any samples because I've been told by the nurses that "there are no more samples." I never have direct access either by phone or in person to my doctor unless I make an appointment.
Whenever I call, I'm always met with refusal to speak to my doc & am forced to speak to the nurses only, yet half the time my doctor gives me samples even when supposedly there were no samples as told to me by the nurses anyway. I'm not angry or bitter about it, as there could be a number of explanations ranging from an employee that may need them, or maybe they don't wanna give me any. Many insurance plans won't cover these triptans, and if they do only allow 6 pills per month with a $30 co pay. My present insurance does not cover even that, so after I brought that up, my doc gave me all of the different triptan samples of various sorts they had.
I'm grateful for that because I always use them either because I run out of my fun painkillers that do the job as well as give off a very pleasant buzz -- and have pills that will take away the severe pain of the migraine even if I have to go through mild w/ds, which is rare for the fact I don't need more than prescribed. Also, even when I DO have both the triptans available---and for whatever reason choose a triptan instead of a fun pill to relieve my pain---there are times when either one pill or the other won't work--hence whichever pill I didn't take I have the option TO take, as there has never been any occasion when BOTH don't work.
So, am sitting here 4 hours later after a pleasant buzz---and now a mild upset stomach since I haven't eaten yet today--oops. Am gonna deal with THAT problem now.
However, because of the fact that even all of this time later, there still is no generic equivalent to any of these drugs & furthermore due to this economy, practically zero pharmaceutical sales representatives come by the office and drop off any samples anymore. It had been 6 months at least since I'd gotten a hold of any samples because I've been told by the nurses that "there are no more samples." I never have direct access either by phone or in person to my doctor unless I make an appointment.
Whenever I call, I'm always met with refusal to speak to my doc & am forced to speak to the nurses only, yet half the time my doctor gives me samples even when supposedly there were no samples as told to me by the nurses anyway. I'm not angry or bitter about it, as there could be a number of explanations ranging from an employee that may need them, or maybe they don't wanna give me any. Many insurance plans won't cover these triptans, and if they do only allow 6 pills per month with a $30 co pay. My present insurance does not cover even that, so after I brought that up, my doc gave me all of the different triptan samples of various sorts they had.
I'm grateful for that because I always use them either because I run out of my fun painkillers that do the job as well as give off a very pleasant buzz -- and have pills that will take away the severe pain of the migraine even if I have to go through mild w/ds, which is rare for the fact I don't need more than prescribed. Also, even when I DO have both the triptans available---and for whatever reason choose a triptan instead of a fun pill to relieve my pain---there are times when either one pill or the other won't work--hence whichever pill I didn't take I have the option TO take, as there has never been any occasion when BOTH don't work.
So, am sitting here 4 hours later after a pleasant buzz---and now a mild upset stomach since I haven't eaten yet today--oops. Am gonna deal with THAT problem now.
I was so just blindly pissed off before..I had to delete what I wrote.
Anyway I've been going to meetings in north east philly lately and it's been helping keep me in check. Two club houses have become my home away from homes when my daughters at school.
I just feel like shit but I'm breathing slower now and it's getting easier
Anyway I've been going to meetings in north east philly lately and it's been helping keep me in check. Two club houses have become my home away from homes when my daughters at school.
I just feel like shit but I'm breathing slower now and it's getting easier
A long and rambling rant. It's going in NSFW tags.
Listening to SOMA FM. Doomed Radio: Dark music for tortured souls
My gf, Aelys, and her sister talked for a while the other night. As a result of this conversation, my gf decided to go away for a few days to help her sister Amelie move and watch her baby. Amelie is moving from her old apartment in Japan Town to a house in the Richmond neighborhood on the western side of the peninsula. My gf will be leaving early tomorrow morning.
Her sister is moving because of her own domestic problems. Amélie just annulled her marriage after over 1 yr. Some time over 1 yr ago, she married a co-worker at her firm and got pregnant soon after. Several months later, at the firm's Christmas/winter holiday party and now visibly pregnant, she witnessed her husband very publicly making out with another co-worker, right in front of her and her colleagues in the bar. It's not an "open" relationship, so for that and other more obvious reasons, this behavior is not acceptable. Amélie later found out that this had been going on for a while. To make things worse, in the following weeks, it was discovered that the husband has piled up 10s of thousands of dollars of online gambling debt, has drained their joint bank accounts. And, he (Jon) continued to go on with the affair in open defiance of decency.
Idle hands are the devil's playthings
It will nice to have my gf out of the house. She's unemployed, has no hobbies or passions that she devotes much time to (except cooking sometimes, and watching a lot of TV ...) A healthy, able-bodied adult ought to have something to do. If not with work, with something like reading, art, or poetry, fitness, or some hobby or anything engaging and uplifting. Something that gives life a purpose. Even playing video games has some merit....
Aelys has been unemployed for a while. She is not paying her share of the rent, but that's not what I'm complaining about, yet. I don't mind helpign her with that for a while as long as does something engaging and is considerate. (My standards arent' that high here. I'm a slacker, not a task-master. There aren't many times in many adults' lives when they have the luxury of not having the pressures of a full-time job weighing down on them or a boss breathing down their necks.) But when she sits around doing nothing the way she has, bad things start happening.
I think it's her idleness that is causing all of the problems that we've been having. She says her only hobby is myself -- I'm some kind of project for her, an emotionally damaged and uncouth person for her try to fix and civilize. So, all she does during the day, while I'm at work, aside from a minimal amount of housework, is to get into my things, open my crates (I've started padlocking them to protect my privacy) and boxes, organize my closet without my permission, read my journals (I've tried to hide them and recently started writing in code), mess with my clothes, my books, my box of smut, somethign, anything. She's even been correcting my pronunciation to try to make me get rid of my Canadian accent. And all of it crosses personal boundaries and creates a lot of stress. My things are none of her business. Another thing I mentioned has been spying in my browser history. When she's not messing with me, she sits around wathcing TV and crying.
to be continued.......
A vacation from my girlfriend, continued
Listening to David Sedaris read short stories on an NPR download.
At work, they were throwing away some old equipment earlier this week. You can look through the pile of junked equipment and pick out what you want before the janitors haul it away. I found a touch-screen panel computer. I'm going to use it for the control panel (it will have a touch-screen GUI) of the Infinite Jukebox that I'm building in the basement. I also found a neat chrome wind-up timer clock. The hands move counter-clockwise. It has 2 buttons on top, one red and one green. Made in West Germany. The hands and numbers glow in the dark. I think it had been used in a dark room for developing film. It could also be useful in a kitchen for timing cooking durations. I gave it to my gf as a going away present. She went away this morning adn will be gone for about a week.
Almost daily, she has complained that I go down stairs and shut myself up in the workshop. She calls it the "Geek-o-Sphere." It's a large windowless basement room brightly lit with fluorescent lights. Its walls are lined with shelves, cabinets, and work benches. Power outlets are everywerhe - ceiling, floor, walls, and benches. Except for the humidity (i need a dehumidifier), it's a good place to work. The room is crowded with some of the usual things, but possibly in larger quantities, anybody with technical hobbies would have: pegboards of tools, bikes, martial arts practice weapons, skis, boots, crampons, ice axes, rope, books, a collection of wicked Victorian-era syringes, some dozen computers and servers (I used to earn extra money by repairing computer equipment -- some extra boxes and parts piled up during this time), short wave radios, video game consoles, monitors, cables, stereo equipment, video equipment, cameras, amplifiers, gadgets, microscopes, scientific lab equipment, electronics and software-engineering projects: microcontrollers and circuit boards I'm working on.
The other night I was working on a movie and audio file database - getting everything so its searchable from a website using php script linked to a MySQL database with an embedded audio and video player or streame it something. I have some video and music files in the form of mp3s, ogg vorbis, and others. I'm working on getting it all online (only accessable by me and a few friends) and in the form of an infinite Jukebox wehre you can type in the website, a password, type in what you want to hear or watch, and then have it streamed to your computer.
It's a big project. Just getting it all in to 1 searchable database is a challenge. Anything pre-made that I've tried just chokes. So, I spent a week writing on custom software . Anyway, it's goign to be spread out on 3 corporate linux servers that I found in the trash. They are huge towers, much larger and heavier than any beige desktop tower pc. Packed with hard drives and cooling fans, they draw more than 500 Watts each. (During the winter, I'll keep it turned on to help provide heat for the house.) The databases will be linked to gether by 1 searchable webpage. It will look like Pandora or Shoutcast or something. I haven't decided on the layout yet. Anyway, after working on it for a week, after reading up on php and mysql and writing my own code, I finally found something pre-made and opensource that seems to work. It was pretty much what I've been trying to do myself and it even used the same approach. So, I've quit writing my own software (why re-invent the wheel), and started setting up the opensource software. I need to finish scanning in all of the data, and then figure out how to share mysql database access among 3 servers. It still chokes when I try to link the databases.
Anyway, the next morning she complains that I come home from work late, then I shut myself off down there and play games.
Me: would you rather have me down there smoking crack? (Hobbies like th is have been therapeutic, provided they're not making me so mad (which computers will do sometimes) that I'm punching the cement walls. Somethign that I immerse myself in and get my mind off the occaisonal craving).
My gf, on the other hand, wants me to spend my free time, what little of it there is, watching TV upstairs with her and her cats. Just as she says that her only hobby is myself, she says that she should be my only hobby. This is hard for me for a number of reasons. She is completely not into the things that she claimed to enjoy doing when we first met. Some of what she is interested in, I can't relate to. I hate TV. Since Seinfeld went off the air, I haven't been able to find anything that can hold my attention for more than a few minutes. She was watching "Glee" (a TV show) the other night. Not my thing. And I am not overly fond of cats. I get twitchy and restless, if I don't bring a book or laptop upstairs and read or work on a project and sit with her while she watches. Then she gets pissed wehn she comments on something that just happened and I say "huh?" Though I am working on trying to nod and smile and say "yeah, " to fake some enthusiasm and pretend to know what is happening in the show.
NSFW:
Listening to SOMA FM. Doomed Radio: Dark music for tortured souls
My gf, Aelys, and her sister talked for a while the other night. As a result of this conversation, my gf decided to go away for a few days to help her sister Amelie move and watch her baby. Amelie is moving from her old apartment in Japan Town to a house in the Richmond neighborhood on the western side of the peninsula. My gf will be leaving early tomorrow morning.
Her sister is moving because of her own domestic problems. Amélie just annulled her marriage after over 1 yr. Some time over 1 yr ago, she married a co-worker at her firm and got pregnant soon after. Several months later, at the firm's Christmas/winter holiday party and now visibly pregnant, she witnessed her husband very publicly making out with another co-worker, right in front of her and her colleagues in the bar. It's not an "open" relationship, so for that and other more obvious reasons, this behavior is not acceptable. Amélie later found out that this had been going on for a while. To make things worse, in the following weeks, it was discovered that the husband has piled up 10s of thousands of dollars of online gambling debt, has drained their joint bank accounts. And, he (Jon) continued to go on with the affair in open defiance of decency.
Idle hands are the devil's playthings
It will nice to have my gf out of the house. She's unemployed, has no hobbies or passions that she devotes much time to (except cooking sometimes, and watching a lot of TV ...) A healthy, able-bodied adult ought to have something to do. If not with work, with something like reading, art, or poetry, fitness, or some hobby or anything engaging and uplifting. Something that gives life a purpose. Even playing video games has some merit....
Aelys has been unemployed for a while. She is not paying her share of the rent, but that's not what I'm complaining about, yet. I don't mind helpign her with that for a while as long as does something engaging and is considerate. (My standards arent' that high here. I'm a slacker, not a task-master. There aren't many times in many adults' lives when they have the luxury of not having the pressures of a full-time job weighing down on them or a boss breathing down their necks.) But when she sits around doing nothing the way she has, bad things start happening.
I think it's her idleness that is causing all of the problems that we've been having. She says her only hobby is myself -- I'm some kind of project for her, an emotionally damaged and uncouth person for her try to fix and civilize. So, all she does during the day, while I'm at work, aside from a minimal amount of housework, is to get into my things, open my crates (I've started padlocking them to protect my privacy) and boxes, organize my closet without my permission, read my journals (I've tried to hide them and recently started writing in code), mess with my clothes, my books, my box of smut, somethign, anything. She's even been correcting my pronunciation to try to make me get rid of my Canadian accent. And all of it crosses personal boundaries and creates a lot of stress. My things are none of her business. Another thing I mentioned has been spying in my browser history. When she's not messing with me, she sits around wathcing TV and crying.
to be continued.......
A vacation from my girlfriend, continued
NSFW:
Listening to David Sedaris read short stories on an NPR download.
At work, they were throwing away some old equipment earlier this week. You can look through the pile of junked equipment and pick out what you want before the janitors haul it away. I found a touch-screen panel computer. I'm going to use it for the control panel (it will have a touch-screen GUI) of the Infinite Jukebox that I'm building in the basement. I also found a neat chrome wind-up timer clock. The hands move counter-clockwise. It has 2 buttons on top, one red and one green. Made in West Germany. The hands and numbers glow in the dark. I think it had been used in a dark room for developing film. It could also be useful in a kitchen for timing cooking durations. I gave it to my gf as a going away present. She went away this morning adn will be gone for about a week.
Almost daily, she has complained that I go down stairs and shut myself up in the workshop. She calls it the "Geek-o-Sphere." It's a large windowless basement room brightly lit with fluorescent lights. Its walls are lined with shelves, cabinets, and work benches. Power outlets are everywerhe - ceiling, floor, walls, and benches. Except for the humidity (i need a dehumidifier), it's a good place to work. The room is crowded with some of the usual things, but possibly in larger quantities, anybody with technical hobbies would have: pegboards of tools, bikes, martial arts practice weapons, skis, boots, crampons, ice axes, rope, books, a collection of wicked Victorian-era syringes, some dozen computers and servers (I used to earn extra money by repairing computer equipment -- some extra boxes and parts piled up during this time), short wave radios, video game consoles, monitors, cables, stereo equipment, video equipment, cameras, amplifiers, gadgets, microscopes, scientific lab equipment, electronics and software-engineering projects: microcontrollers and circuit boards I'm working on.
The other night I was working on a movie and audio file database - getting everything so its searchable from a website using php script linked to a MySQL database with an embedded audio and video player or streame it something. I have some video and music files in the form of mp3s, ogg vorbis, and others. I'm working on getting it all online (only accessable by me and a few friends) and in the form of an infinite Jukebox wehre you can type in the website, a password, type in what you want to hear or watch, and then have it streamed to your computer.
It's a big project. Just getting it all in to 1 searchable database is a challenge. Anything pre-made that I've tried just chokes. So, I spent a week writing on custom software . Anyway, it's goign to be spread out on 3 corporate linux servers that I found in the trash. They are huge towers, much larger and heavier than any beige desktop tower pc. Packed with hard drives and cooling fans, they draw more than 500 Watts each. (During the winter, I'll keep it turned on to help provide heat for the house.) The databases will be linked to gether by 1 searchable webpage. It will look like Pandora or Shoutcast or something. I haven't decided on the layout yet. Anyway, after working on it for a week, after reading up on php and mysql and writing my own code, I finally found something pre-made and opensource that seems to work. It was pretty much what I've been trying to do myself and it even used the same approach. So, I've quit writing my own software (why re-invent the wheel), and started setting up the opensource software. I need to finish scanning in all of the data, and then figure out how to share mysql database access among 3 servers. It still chokes when I try to link the databases.
Anyway, the next morning she complains that I come home from work late, then I shut myself off down there and play games.
Me: would you rather have me down there smoking crack? (Hobbies like th is have been therapeutic, provided they're not making me so mad (which computers will do sometimes) that I'm punching the cement walls. Somethign that I immerse myself in and get my mind off the occaisonal craving).
My gf, on the other hand, wants me to spend my free time, what little of it there is, watching TV upstairs with her and her cats. Just as she says that her only hobby is myself, she says that she should be my only hobby. This is hard for me for a number of reasons. She is completely not into the things that she claimed to enjoy doing when we first met. Some of what she is interested in, I can't relate to. I hate TV. Since Seinfeld went off the air, I haven't been able to find anything that can hold my attention for more than a few minutes. She was watching "Glee" (a TV show) the other night. Not my thing. And I am not overly fond of cats. I get twitchy and restless, if I don't bring a book or laptop upstairs and read or work on a project and sit with her while she watches. Then she gets pissed wehn she comments on something that just happened and I say "huh?" Though I am working on trying to nod and smile and say "yeah, " to fake some enthusiasm and pretend to know what is happening in the show.
So, my buddy owns a little breakfast/lunch cafe. One of the waitresses knows I'm in NA and asked for help and if she could come to a meeting with me. She has never been to a meeting before. I said 'Of course.'
My plan was to bring her to a meeting, introduce her to some females and keep doing my thing. She said she didn't need to talk to others because she has a hard time opening up. She said she was comfortable talking to me so that's all she needs. It doesn't work like that. I'm not a therapist. I have no experience with the issues that females experience in life or in addiction. I'm not interested in being that dude that someone unloads all there nonsense on only to have them continue doing the same things they are accustomed to doing.
Getting clean is about change
I took her to two meetings and both times she was high. This doesn't bother me. What bothers me is the following:
Tonight I met her at Dunkin Donuts and I drove us to the meeting. She sat in judgement of everyone else stating that she wasn't like 'this' or she wasn't like 'that'.
Afterwards she unloaded her 'horrible' history and gave all the 'reasons' why she gets high. I figured, okay let her get this stuff out of her system and after that no more. I know what its like to be wrapped up in addiction and am not interested in war stories. She believes she is unique. When it comes to this thing, none of us are unique.
I went home and received a call from her 30 minutes later. She was still in the parking lot of Dunkin' Donuts. She asked if I found a bottle of Midol in my car. I told her 'no' but went out to my car to look. I didn't see anything.
When I got back inside my apartment she told me that there were two methadone pills in the bottle and she thinks the girl sitting next to her stole the bottle somehow.
I told her it wasn't impossible. She then started complaining that the girl was a loser. 'Who steals from a person at these meetings', she asked.
I told her that when we first get clean we don't magically change. Losing old behaviors is a process.
She didn't get it.
If you bring drugs into a room full of people that are trying to quit drugs then you're a fucking selfish asshole.
Midol is expensive. What if the girl simply stole it for legitimate reasons (cramps from having a period)? What if this girl empties two 'Midols' into her hand for her cramps and gets two methadone pills instead? What if she is on other medication that could potentiate the effects of methadone and has a zero tolerance for opiates?
Fuck! What about me? This girl brought drugs into my car and LOST THEM.
Its taking all my will power not to tear my car apart and put those fuckers under my tongue if they are there. Inconsiderate fucking asshole.
This shit is life and death. I'm not strong enough to deal with this fucking bullshit.
Before I left Dunkin' Donuts (before all this happened) I asked her to do me a favor and not get high tomorrow. Her reply was 'Why?'.
What the fuck do you mean 'why?'. You have two choices: keep using or make an effort to stop. Thats it. Those are the only two choices for any of us.
She's not ready yet. Her horror stories were things I went through when I was 18 years old. I'm not dick sizing but this fact gives me a perspective that she hasn't even begun to experience the pain of addiction.
I'm full of rage right now. I'm done fucking around with people who say they want to stop using but really don't. They just want to use me for whatever the fuck reason and I'm not having it.
This shit isn't a fucking game and I will fuck someone up if it continues. DO NOT FUCK WITH ME...
I am NOT STRONG ENOUGH RIGHT NOW and I can't fucking save you.
Men stick with the men. Women stick with the women. Simple as that. If you can't reach out to other females than go back and continue doing what you've always done but don't be surprised if you get what you've always got.
They say I'm a nice guy. They say they feel safe around me. You have no fucking idea you stupid, selfish, lying ass mother fucking cunts.
The door has been opened. Either walk through it or walk the fuck away. Don't endanger those who are making an effort. An uncomfortable, painful effort.
This shit is life and death and all you're worried about is your stolen drugs. I'm sorry to say but, there is a lot more pain waiting for you out there and you mother fuckers are running full speed towards it (and taking others with you).
Go fuck off and die. Die horribly, please.
I thought those last two sentences would feel good to type. Now I just feel fucking sick that I thought such a thing
I can't handle this, man. I received my last paycheck on the 30th so I have about $500 in the bank. You fucking assholes. You fucking assholes. You fucking assholes.
I don't need this and I can't fucking handle it.
My plan was to bring her to a meeting, introduce her to some females and keep doing my thing. She said she didn't need to talk to others because she has a hard time opening up. She said she was comfortable talking to me so that's all she needs. It doesn't work like that. I'm not a therapist. I have no experience with the issues that females experience in life or in addiction. I'm not interested in being that dude that someone unloads all there nonsense on only to have them continue doing the same things they are accustomed to doing.
Getting clean is about change
I took her to two meetings and both times she was high. This doesn't bother me. What bothers me is the following:
Tonight I met her at Dunkin Donuts and I drove us to the meeting. She sat in judgement of everyone else stating that she wasn't like 'this' or she wasn't like 'that'.
Afterwards she unloaded her 'horrible' history and gave all the 'reasons' why she gets high. I figured, okay let her get this stuff out of her system and after that no more. I know what its like to be wrapped up in addiction and am not interested in war stories. She believes she is unique. When it comes to this thing, none of us are unique.
I went home and received a call from her 30 minutes later. She was still in the parking lot of Dunkin' Donuts. She asked if I found a bottle of Midol in my car. I told her 'no' but went out to my car to look. I didn't see anything.
When I got back inside my apartment she told me that there were two methadone pills in the bottle and she thinks the girl sitting next to her stole the bottle somehow.
I told her it wasn't impossible. She then started complaining that the girl was a loser. 'Who steals from a person at these meetings', she asked.
I told her that when we first get clean we don't magically change. Losing old behaviors is a process.
She didn't get it.
If you bring drugs into a room full of people that are trying to quit drugs then you're a fucking selfish asshole.
Midol is expensive. What if the girl simply stole it for legitimate reasons (cramps from having a period)? What if this girl empties two 'Midols' into her hand for her cramps and gets two methadone pills instead? What if she is on other medication that could potentiate the effects of methadone and has a zero tolerance for opiates?
Fuck! What about me? This girl brought drugs into my car and LOST THEM.
Its taking all my will power not to tear my car apart and put those fuckers under my tongue if they are there. Inconsiderate fucking asshole.
This shit is life and death. I'm not strong enough to deal with this fucking bullshit.
Before I left Dunkin' Donuts (before all this happened) I asked her to do me a favor and not get high tomorrow. Her reply was 'Why?'.
What the fuck do you mean 'why?'. You have two choices: keep using or make an effort to stop. Thats it. Those are the only two choices for any of us.
She's not ready yet. Her horror stories were things I went through when I was 18 years old. I'm not dick sizing but this fact gives me a perspective that she hasn't even begun to experience the pain of addiction.
I'm full of rage right now. I'm done fucking around with people who say they want to stop using but really don't. They just want to use me for whatever the fuck reason and I'm not having it.
This shit isn't a fucking game and I will fuck someone up if it continues. DO NOT FUCK WITH ME...
I am NOT STRONG ENOUGH RIGHT NOW and I can't fucking save you.
Men stick with the men. Women stick with the women. Simple as that. If you can't reach out to other females than go back and continue doing what you've always done but don't be surprised if you get what you've always got.
They say I'm a nice guy. They say they feel safe around me. You have no fucking idea you stupid, selfish, lying ass mother fucking cunts.
The door has been opened. Either walk through it or walk the fuck away. Don't endanger those who are making an effort. An uncomfortable, painful effort.
This shit is life and death and all you're worried about is your stolen drugs. I'm sorry to say but, there is a lot more pain waiting for you out there and you mother fuckers are running full speed towards it (and taking others with you).
I thought those last two sentences would feel good to type. Now I just feel fucking sick that I thought such a thing
I can't handle this, man. I received my last paycheck on the 30th so I have about $500 in the bank. You fucking assholes. You fucking assholes. You fucking assholes.
I don't need this and I can't fucking handle it.
I think there are three different types of drug (ab)users. These only include the users who use drugs to have fun, people who use stimulants for studying or people who use opiates for pain control etc don't fall into these categories. It's kinda funny to look at people here on bl and see them expressing themselves as being a certain type and making fun of people in the other categories. Some people are in all three categories.
The first type is people who use drugs to expand their conciousness, you mostly see this type in PD. Mostly psychedelic users (of course).
The second type is people who use drugs to party, people who use MDMA, stimulants, some psychs, alcohol, cannabis etc.
The third type is people who either use drugs to self-medicate mental disorders, or people using drugs because they're bored and have nothing better to do. This type is kind of a gray area, because you could say they're just partying or whatever, therefore putting them in the second category. You could also say that people who are self medicating aren't really abusing drugs per se, but just trying to medicate depression anxiety whatever so that they're able to live life like a normal person. In general this type is just to have fun, and it can include any type of drug.
Pretty much I just felt like posting this because I definitely notice these distinctions between people here on bluelight, and just thought it might be brain candy for some people to think about. Post your opinion about it.
The first type is people who use drugs to expand their conciousness, you mostly see this type in PD. Mostly psychedelic users (of course).
The second type is people who use drugs to party, people who use MDMA, stimulants, some psychs, alcohol, cannabis etc.
The third type is people who either use drugs to self-medicate mental disorders, or people using drugs because they're bored and have nothing better to do. This type is kind of a gray area, because you could say they're just partying or whatever, therefore putting them in the second category. You could also say that people who are self medicating aren't really abusing drugs per se, but just trying to medicate depression anxiety whatever so that they're able to live life like a normal person. In general this type is just to have fun, and it can include any type of drug.
Pretty much I just felt like posting this because I definitely notice these distinctions between people here on bluelight, and just thought it might be brain candy for some people to think about. Post your opinion about it.
Can you get high off of hydroxyzine? If so, how many mg does it take? And what does the high feel like?
The corner I used to cop from was very organized. This is typical of the open air drug marts in Philly. You have the dudes slingin', the dudes that play lookout and of course there's muscle hangin' out as well.
I was a regular customer and known to all the corner boys. Whenever someone would cop (myself included) the dude that was slingin' would shout 'tambien' (not real loud but loud enough).
I was curious about this and am still dwelling on it so I looked up the definition of 'tambien'.
tambien - too, as well, also
source: http://www.merriam-webster.com/spanish/tambien
See, I originally thought it meant 'okay' or 'cool' (as in alright). I figured they said this to let the muscle know that the money was right or they didn't get dicked over but now I'm fuckin' confused.
This corner didn't do car service. You had to get out of your car, walk to the dude who had your product (either coke, weed, ecstacy, wet or percs), do the deal and walk back to your car.
Oh well, another one of those trivial nagging wonders I'll have to figure out another time. I just know I can't figure it out from more experiences.
Tambien, soldiers, tambien.
I was a regular customer and known to all the corner boys. Whenever someone would cop (myself included) the dude that was slingin' would shout 'tambien' (not real loud but loud enough).
I was curious about this and am still dwelling on it so I looked up the definition of 'tambien'.
tambien - too, as well, also
source: http://www.merriam-webster.com/spanish/tambien
See, I originally thought it meant 'okay' or 'cool' (as in alright). I figured they said this to let the muscle know that the money was right or they didn't get dicked over but now I'm fuckin' confused.
This corner didn't do car service. You had to get out of your car, walk to the dude who had your product (either coke, weed, ecstacy, wet or percs), do the deal and walk back to your car.
Oh well, another one of those trivial nagging wonders I'll have to figure out another time. I just know I can't figure it out from more experiences.
Tambien, soldiers, tambien.
Two weeks ago I was starving. Every penny went to something to get me fucked up.
Check out the luxuries I'm indulging in now!!!!
(Pepperidge Farm Soft Chocolate Chip cookies with chocolate ice cream, peanut butter cups and chocolate moose swirls!!!!)
Check out the luxuries I'm indulging in now!!!!
(Pepperidge Farm Soft Chocolate Chip cookies with chocolate ice cream, peanut butter cups and chocolate moose swirls!!!!)
I remember this title. I first saw it in a videogame magazine. Apparently it was made after a novel of a similar title. I forget the name of the author.
But this quote has stuck with me all this time, until now, affecting me with the same profundity it did back then.
So let me explain.
It seems I have an ailment, a disease, which has not yet been discovered by His Holiness, the Scientist.
It also seems that I have discovered an undiscovered cure for this undiscovered disease. The problem is that this cure is abused by veterinarians who overdose cats and horses on it in order to operate on the poor animals while they lay obliviously still.
It appears that if I were to take minuscule doses of this medicine, really barely enough to have any effect on a human, and if I take said doses on a regular schedule throughout the day, I can, for once, not be so afflicted and actually, truly feel alive!
Please do not call me an addict. For I only need 3 days of miniscule doses, which would "charge" me with enough life to last a good part of the proceeding month.
How, oh how, can I explain this to ANYONE without sounding like a raving lunatic?
Come to think about it, it makes perfect sense. In a world where the above simply goes over most people's heads at best one actually NEEDS a bit of anaesthesia all the time in order to survive...
I do not know.
But this quote has stuck with me all this time, until now, affecting me with the same profundity it did back then.
So let me explain.
It seems I have an ailment, a disease, which has not yet been discovered by His Holiness, the Scientist.
It also seems that I have discovered an undiscovered cure for this undiscovered disease. The problem is that this cure is abused by veterinarians who overdose cats and horses on it in order to operate on the poor animals while they lay obliviously still.
It appears that if I were to take minuscule doses of this medicine, really barely enough to have any effect on a human, and if I take said doses on a regular schedule throughout the day, I can, for once, not be so afflicted and actually, truly feel alive!
Please do not call me an addict. For I only need 3 days of miniscule doses, which would "charge" me with enough life to last a good part of the proceeding month.
How, oh how, can I explain this to ANYONE without sounding like a raving lunatic?
Come to think about it, it makes perfect sense. In a world where the above simply goes over most people's heads at best one actually NEEDS a bit of anaesthesia all the time in order to survive...
I do not know.
Is deppression real? Is unhappyness depression? what is the state of emotionless. I wake up every morning take my suboxone then put on music to try and achieve a feeling. When was the last time I felt anything? Have I achieved numbness? God I hope so cause as soon as the bad feelings emerge you can be assured the drugs are applied liberally. I have this sense that I cant handle life it just seems so overwhelming to me I cant cope. I dont know what to do I feel so lost I want a degree but I dont think I am stable enough for college right now. I really want to move to Chicago or Trenton and start blasting dope see how that goes. Otherwise I am stuck here in this shithole part of alabama I refuse to die here. Being from here is one thing but choosing to stay here is quite another im getting the fuck outta here first chance I get. Drugs cant live with em cant live without em
I'm spending a few seconds to bitch. I'm done with Norristown NA. I fucked up in Philly I'll get clean there or I won't. Someone that "loes" me wanted to 302 me yesterday.
So a big middle finger up to alot of people
to the "friends that dropped me
to the ones that pretend to love me and just use me.
I may be young
i may have dropped out
but i got fuckin balls
what are you carrin?!
So a big middle finger up to alot of people
to the "friends that dropped me
to the ones that pretend to love me and just use me.
I may be young
i may have dropped out
but i got fuckin balls
what are you carrin?!
i hate how the people i need never pay attention. i hate how the people that scare the shit out of me never leave me alone. so many people broke so many promises when i just needed a little help cuz my life was getting a bit rough. guess i thought my friends would understand. im tired of being judged so many people hate me cuz of the way i look and my dads giving me shit for getting my lip pierced. im a fucking adult and ive wanted that shit since i was like 12. why cant they all just leave me alone for a little bit... im already alone though just not how i want. i need someone to be alone with
its coming on again through my bones i hate when it infects my skin and makes it scratchy. my mind feels like it is rubbed raw.my emotions even have the shakes. i just really need some shit. craving bad even though just been smokin n drinkin for the last 2 weeks. maybe a little coke n shrooms. but i need something heavy in my veins... my mind keeps drifting away to some scary places. i ts like i need to press lifes pause button.
my posts are where all that shit comes outta me so you cant tell i am , but it really sucks being the nice guy all the time. im justt too shy for too much
its coming on again through my bones i hate when it infects my skin and makes it scratchy. my mind feels like it is rubbed raw.my emotions even have the shakes. i just really need some shit. craving bad even though just been smokin n drinkin for the last 2 weeks. maybe a little coke n shrooms. but i need something heavy in my veins... my mind keeps drifting away to some scary places. i ts like i need to press lifes pause button.
my posts are where all that shit comes outta me so you cant tell i am , but it really sucks being the nice guy all the time. im justt too shy for too much
Well its Friday and I have no plans or friends damn when did I become such a loser? I have decided to break out the phenazepam and meet some people so im gonna get all kinds of screwed then go to the bar what could go wrong? It seems like drugs are just not making me happy anymore which scares the shit out of me because if I cant find artificial happyness I feel like I have no chance at true happyness. Its bullshit deppression is killing me I feel like I really need some uppers like meth or mdpv to balance me out. I tryed ordering some MDPV off the net but my credit card was declined sucks.
Quotes I love:
Colors burst in wild explosions
Fiery, flaming shades of fall
All in accord with my pounding heart
Behold the autumn-weaver
In bronze and yellow dying
Colors unfold into dreams
In hordes of a thousand and one
The bleeding
Unwearing their masks to the last notes of summer
Their flutes and horns in nightly swarming
Colors burst within
Spare me those unending fires
Bestowed upon the flaming shades of fall
- Dark Tranquility, With the Flaming Shades of Fall
October's poplars are flaming torches
lighting the way to winter.
- Nova Bair
Listen! the wind is rising,
and the air is wild with leaves,
We have had our summer evenings,
now for October eves!
- Humbert Wolfe
Perhaps the most famous icon of the holiday is the jack-o-lantern. Various authorities attribute it to either Scottish or Irish origin. However, it seems clear that it was used as a lantern by people who traveled the road this night, the scary face to frighten away spirits or faeries who might otherwise lead one astray. Set on porches and in windows, they cast the same spell of protection over the household. (The American pumpkin seems to have forever superseded the European gourd as the jack-o-lantern of choice.) Bobbing for apples may well represent the remnants of a Pagan 'baptism' rite called a 'seining', according to some writers. The water-filled tub is a latter-day Cauldron of Regeneration, into which the novice's head is immersed. The fact that the participant in this folk game was usually blindfolded with hands tied behind the back also puts one in mind of a traditional
Craft initiation ceremony.
- All Hallow's Eve. Mike Nichols
I will dance
The dance of dying days
And sleeping life.
I will dance
In cold, dead leaves
A bending, whirling human flame.
I will dance
As the Horned God rides
Across the skies.
I will dance
To the music of His hounds
Running, baying in chorus.
I will dance
With the ghosts of those
Gone before.
I will dance
Between the sleep of life
And the dream of death.
I will dance
On Samhain's dusky eye,
I will dance.
- Karen Bergquist, An Autumn Chant
Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it,
and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth
seeking the successive autumns.
- George Eliot
Colors burst in wild explosions
Fiery, flaming shades of fall
All in accord with my pounding heart
Behold the autumn-weaver
In bronze and yellow dying
Colors unfold into dreams
In hordes of a thousand and one
The bleeding
Unwearing their masks to the last notes of summer
Their flutes and horns in nightly swarming
Colors burst within
Spare me those unending fires
Bestowed upon the flaming shades of fall
- Dark Tranquility, With the Flaming Shades of Fall
October's poplars are flaming torches
lighting the way to winter.
- Nova Bair
Listen! the wind is rising,
and the air is wild with leaves,
We have had our summer evenings,
now for October eves!
- Humbert Wolfe
Perhaps the most famous icon of the holiday is the jack-o-lantern. Various authorities attribute it to either Scottish or Irish origin. However, it seems clear that it was used as a lantern by people who traveled the road this night, the scary face to frighten away spirits or faeries who might otherwise lead one astray. Set on porches and in windows, they cast the same spell of protection over the household. (The American pumpkin seems to have forever superseded the European gourd as the jack-o-lantern of choice.) Bobbing for apples may well represent the remnants of a Pagan 'baptism' rite called a 'seining', according to some writers. The water-filled tub is a latter-day Cauldron of Regeneration, into which the novice's head is immersed. The fact that the participant in this folk game was usually blindfolded with hands tied behind the back also puts one in mind of a traditional
Craft initiation ceremony.
- All Hallow's Eve. Mike Nichols
I will dance
The dance of dying days
And sleeping life.
I will dance
In cold, dead leaves
A bending, whirling human flame.
I will dance
As the Horned God rides
Across the skies.
I will dance
To the music of His hounds
Running, baying in chorus.
I will dance
With the ghosts of those
Gone before.
I will dance
Between the sleep of life
And the dream of death.
I will dance
On Samhain's dusky eye,
I will dance.
- Karen Bergquist, An Autumn Chant
Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it,
and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth
seeking the successive autumns.
- George Eliot
i think i just dont like people. i mean its bad enough i have to live with myself. but other people are so fucked up. i dont understand how some stuff means nothing to them. i dont get why the teachers tell me the same shit in the same way for the last 13 yrs. i hate it but people just put me under pressure. i dont like them looking at me or listening to what i say. they really do all judge and its too much for me sometimes cuz i cant really stop myself from caring. i would love to be invisible. but even more i would love for everyone to disappear. except for maybe her. i guess theres 1 other spot open in my world but most other people all have flaws i just hate. dont get it wrong... i have many flaws about myself even more not trying to be hypocritical. i guess i just dont like people. ive always felt this way. fucking as long as i can remember ive been uncomfortable here. i just wanna abuse the euphoria till im done. chasing is the only thing ive really ever cared about cuz it gives me a direction. ive never wanted anything else till i hopped on the chase i guess. except for her. but she doesnt understand me anymore or did she ever and she likes em new guys. fuck maybe i just dont like people.
Listening to SOMA FM. Doomed radio.
My gf will be away for a couple of days helping her sister Amelie move and watching her baby. Amelie is moving from her old apartment in Japan Town to a house in the Richmond neighborhood on the western side of the peninsula. She's leaving tomorrow morning.
Her sister is moving because of her own domestic problems. Amelie just annulled her marriage after about 1 yr. A little over 1 yr ago, she married a co-worker at her firm, and got pregnant. Then, with her sister 8 - 9 months pregnant at the firm's Christmas/winter holiday party, her sister's husband makes out with another co-worker, right in front of her in the bar. It's not an "open" relationship, so this behavior is inexcusable. She later found out that this had been going on for a while. To make things worse, in the following weeks, it was discovered that he has piled up 10s of thousands of dollars of online gambling debt, has drained their joint bank accounts. And, he (Jon) continued to go on with the affair in open defiance of basic decency.
Idle hands are the devil's playthings
It will nice to have my gf out of the house. She's unemployed, has no hobbies or passions that she devotes much time to (except cooking sometimes), and watching TV... A healthy, able-bodied adult ought to stay busy nearly every day. If not with work, with reading, art, or poetry or something engaging and uplifting. Something that gives life a purpose. Aelys has been unemplayed for a while. Not paying her share of the rent, but that's not what I'm complaining about. I don't mind helpign her with that for a while as long as she uses her tiem wisely and is considerate.
It's her idleness that is causing all of the problems I've been having with her lately. She says her only hobby is myself. I'm some kind of project for her, an emotionally damaged and uncouth person for her try to fix and civilize. So, all she does during the day, while I'm at work, aside from a minimal amount of housework, is to get into my things, open my crates and boxes, organize my closet without my permission, mess with my clothes, my books, my box of smut magazines, somethign, anything. And all of it crosses personal boundaries and creates a lot of stress. My things are none of her business. Another thing I mentioned has been spying in my browser history. If not that, she sits around wathcing TV and crying.
She complains that I go down stairs and shut myself up in the workshop. She calls it the "Geek-o-Sphere." It's a large windowless basement room brightly lit with fluorescent lights. Its walls are lined with shelves, cabinets, and work benches. Power outlets are everywerhe - ceiling, floor, walls, and benches. Except for the humidity (i need a dehumidifier), it's a good place to work on electronics. The room is crowded with tools, some dozen computers, servers, short wave radios, video game consoles, monitors, cables, stereo equipment, video equipment, cameras, amplifiers, gadgets, vintage scientific lab equipment (e.g. microscopes, ccd cameras, lab glass, etc.), electronics and software-engineering projects: microcontrollers and circuit boards I'm working on. Last night I was working on an audio file database - getting everything so its serachable from a website linked to a MySQL database with an embedded audio and video player or streame it something. I have some music files in the form of mp3s, ogg vorbis, and others. I'm working on getting it all online (only acessable by me and a few friends) and in the form of an infinite Jukebox wehre you can type in the website, a password, type in what you want to hear or watch, and then have it streamed to your computer.
It's a big project. Just getting it all setup in 1 searchable webpage is a challenge. Anything commercial that I've tried just chokes. So, working on some batch files to try to automate some parts of the setup. Anyway, it's goign to be 3 corporate linux servers that I found in the trash. They are huge towers, much larger and heavier than a beige desktop tower pc, packed with hard drives and cooling fans drawing more than 500 Watts each. The databases will be kluged together by 1 searchable webpage. During the winter, I'll keep it turned on to provide heat for the house.
Anyway, this morning she complains that I come home late, then I shut myself off down there and play games.
Me: would you rather have me down there smokin' crack? (I used to do too much cocaine and heroin, mostly iv. Enough that I was having trouble focusing on school, or getting anything done. So, hobbies like this have been therapeutic, provided they're not making me so mad (which computers will do) that I'm punching the cement walls. Somethign that I immerse myself in and get my mind off the occaisonal cravings).
My gf, on the other hand, wants me to spend my free time, what little of it there is, watching TV upstairs with her and her cats. I hate TV. I haven't been interested in TV since Seinfeld went off the air. And, I am not overly fond of cats. I get twitchy and restless after only a few moments up there, though sometiems, I bring a laptop upstairs and read or work on a project and sit with her while she watches something on TV. Then she gets pissed wehn she comments on something that just happened and I say "huh?" But now, I am working on trying to nod and smile and say "yeah" or "how about that" and pretend some enthusiasm for her programs, and fool her into thinking that I know what is happening in the show. Then Eloise cat walks up to my chair and jumps on my lap and gets in the way of my keyboard. I bought her a few ounces of catnip a few weeks ago to try to keep her occupied so she wont' keep bothering me.
My gf will be away for a couple of days helping her sister Amelie move and watching her baby. Amelie is moving from her old apartment in Japan Town to a house in the Richmond neighborhood on the western side of the peninsula. She's leaving tomorrow morning.
Her sister is moving because of her own domestic problems. Amelie just annulled her marriage after about 1 yr. A little over 1 yr ago, she married a co-worker at her firm, and got pregnant. Then, with her sister 8 - 9 months pregnant at the firm's Christmas/winter holiday party, her sister's husband makes out with another co-worker, right in front of her in the bar. It's not an "open" relationship, so this behavior is inexcusable. She later found out that this had been going on for a while. To make things worse, in the following weeks, it was discovered that he has piled up 10s of thousands of dollars of online gambling debt, has drained their joint bank accounts. And, he (Jon) continued to go on with the affair in open defiance of basic decency.
Idle hands are the devil's playthings
It will nice to have my gf out of the house. She's unemployed, has no hobbies or passions that she devotes much time to (except cooking sometimes), and watching TV... A healthy, able-bodied adult ought to stay busy nearly every day. If not with work, with reading, art, or poetry or something engaging and uplifting. Something that gives life a purpose. Aelys has been unemplayed for a while. Not paying her share of the rent, but that's not what I'm complaining about. I don't mind helpign her with that for a while as long as she uses her tiem wisely and is considerate.
It's her idleness that is causing all of the problems I've been having with her lately. She says her only hobby is myself. I'm some kind of project for her, an emotionally damaged and uncouth person for her try to fix and civilize. So, all she does during the day, while I'm at work, aside from a minimal amount of housework, is to get into my things, open my crates and boxes, organize my closet without my permission, mess with my clothes, my books, my box of smut magazines, somethign, anything. And all of it crosses personal boundaries and creates a lot of stress. My things are none of her business. Another thing I mentioned has been spying in my browser history. If not that, she sits around wathcing TV and crying.
She complains that I go down stairs and shut myself up in the workshop. She calls it the "Geek-o-Sphere." It's a large windowless basement room brightly lit with fluorescent lights. Its walls are lined with shelves, cabinets, and work benches. Power outlets are everywerhe - ceiling, floor, walls, and benches. Except for the humidity (i need a dehumidifier), it's a good place to work on electronics. The room is crowded with tools, some dozen computers, servers, short wave radios, video game consoles, monitors, cables, stereo equipment, video equipment, cameras, amplifiers, gadgets, vintage scientific lab equipment (e.g. microscopes, ccd cameras, lab glass, etc.), electronics and software-engineering projects: microcontrollers and circuit boards I'm working on. Last night I was working on an audio file database - getting everything so its serachable from a website linked to a MySQL database with an embedded audio and video player or streame it something. I have some music files in the form of mp3s, ogg vorbis, and others. I'm working on getting it all online (only acessable by me and a few friends) and in the form of an infinite Jukebox wehre you can type in the website, a password, type in what you want to hear or watch, and then have it streamed to your computer.
It's a big project. Just getting it all setup in 1 searchable webpage is a challenge. Anything commercial that I've tried just chokes. So, working on some batch files to try to automate some parts of the setup. Anyway, it's goign to be 3 corporate linux servers that I found in the trash. They are huge towers, much larger and heavier than a beige desktop tower pc, packed with hard drives and cooling fans drawing more than 500 Watts each. The databases will be kluged together by 1 searchable webpage. During the winter, I'll keep it turned on to provide heat for the house.
Anyway, this morning she complains that I come home late, then I shut myself off down there and play games.
Me: would you rather have me down there smokin' crack? (I used to do too much cocaine and heroin, mostly iv. Enough that I was having trouble focusing on school, or getting anything done. So, hobbies like this have been therapeutic, provided they're not making me so mad (which computers will do) that I'm punching the cement walls. Somethign that I immerse myself in and get my mind off the occaisonal cravings).
My gf, on the other hand, wants me to spend my free time, what little of it there is, watching TV upstairs with her and her cats. I hate TV. I haven't been interested in TV since Seinfeld went off the air. And, I am not overly fond of cats. I get twitchy and restless after only a few moments up there, though sometiems, I bring a laptop upstairs and read or work on a project and sit with her while she watches something on TV. Then she gets pissed wehn she comments on something that just happened and I say "huh?" But now, I am working on trying to nod and smile and say "yeah" or "how about that" and pretend some enthusiasm for her programs, and fool her into thinking that I know what is happening in the show. Then Eloise cat walks up to my chair and jumps on my lap and gets in the way of my keyboard. I bought her a few ounces of catnip a few weeks ago to try to keep her occupied so she wont' keep bothering me.
My gf will be away for a couple of days helping her sister Amelie move and watching her baby during while her Amelie moves from her old apartment in Japan Town to a house in the Richmond neighborhood on the western side of the peninsula. She's leaving tomorrow morning.
Her sister is moving because of her own domestic problems. Amelie just annulled her marriage after about 1 yr. A little over 1 yr ago, she married a co-worker at her firm, and got pregnant. Then, with her sister 8 - 9 months pregnant at the firm's Christmas/winter holiday party, her sister's husband makes out with another co-worker, right in front of her in the bar. It's not an "open" relationship, so this behavior is inexcusable. She later found out that this had been going on for a while. To make things worse, in the following weeks, it was discovered that he has piled up 10s of thousands of dollars of online gambling debt, has drained their joint bank accounts. And, he (Jon) continued to go on with the affair in open defiance of basic decency.
Idle hands are the devil's playthings
It will nice to have my gf out of the house. She's unemployed, has no hobbies or passions that she devotes much time to (except cooking sometimes), and watching TV... A healthy, able-bodied adult ought to stay busy nearly every day. If not with work, with reading, art, or poetry or something engaging and uplifting. Something that gives life a purpose. Aelys has been unemplayed for a while. Not paying her share of the rent, but that's not what I'm complaining about. I don't mind helpign her with that for a while as long as she uses her tiem wisely and is considerate.
It's her idleness that is causing all of the problems I've been having with her lately. She says her only hobby is myself. I'm some kind of project for her, an emotionally damaged and uncouth person for her try to fix and civilize. So, all she does during the day, while I'm at work, aside from a minimal amount of housework, is to get into my things, open my crates and boxes, organize my closet without my permission, mess with my clothes, my books, my box of smut magazines, somethign, anything. And all of it crosses personal boundaries and creates a lot of stress. My things are none of her business. Another thing I mentioned has been spying in my browser history. If not that, she sits around wathcing TV and crying.
She complains that I go down stairs and shut myself up in the workshop. She calls it the "GeekoSphere." It's a large windowless basement room brightly lit with flourescent lights. Its walls are lined with shelves, cabinets, and work benches. Power outlets are everywerhe - ceiling, floor, walls, and benches. Except for the humidity (i need a dehumidifier), it's a good place to work on electronics. The room is crowded with tools, some dozen computers, servers, short wave radios, video game consoles, monitors, cables, stereo equipment, video equipment, cameras, amplifiers, gadgets, vintage scientific lab equipment (e.g. microscopes, ccd cameras, lab glass, etc.), electronics and software-engineering projects: microcontrollers and circuit boards I'm working on. Last night I was working on an audio file database - getting everything so its serachable from a website linked to a MySQL database with an embedded audio and video player or streame it something. I have some music files in the form of mp3s, ogg vorbis, and others. I'm working on getting it all online (only accessable by me and a few friends) and in the form of an infinite Jukebox wehre you can type in the website, a password, type in what you want to hear or watch, and then have it streamed to your computer.
It's a big project. Just getting it all in to 1 searchable database is a challenge. Anything commercial that I've tried just chokes. So, working on some batch files. Anyway, it's goign to be 3 >500 watt linux servers packed with hard drives and cooling fans running on salvaged industrial tower servers. The databases will be linked to gether by 1 searchable webpage. During the winter, I'll keep it turned on to provide heat for the house.
Anyway, this morning she complains that I come home late, then I shutmyself off down there and play games.
Me: would you rather have me down there smokin' crack? (I used to do too much cocaine and heroin, mostly iv. Enough that I was having trouble focusing on school, or getting anything done. Drank too much for a while too. So, hobbies like th is have been therapeutic, provided they're not making me so mad (which computers will do) that I'm punching the cement walls. Somethign that I immerse myself in and get my mind off the occaisonal craving).
My gf, on the other hand, wants me to spend my free time, what little of it there is, watching TV upstairs with her and her cats. I hate TV. And I am not overly fond of cats. I get twitchy and resteless after only a few moments, though sometiems, I bring a laptop upstairs and read or work on a project and sit with her while she watches. Then she gets pissed wehn she comments on something that just happened and I say "huh?" Though I am working on tyring to nod and smile and say "yeah" and feign some enthusiasm, and pretend to know what is happening in the show. Then Eloise cat walks up to my chair and jumps on my lap and gets in the way of my keyboard. I bought her a few ounces of catnip a few weeks ago to try to keep her occupied so she wont' keep bothering me.
Her sister is moving because of her own domestic problems. Amelie just annulled her marriage after about 1 yr. A little over 1 yr ago, she married a co-worker at her firm, and got pregnant. Then, with her sister 8 - 9 months pregnant at the firm's Christmas/winter holiday party, her sister's husband makes out with another co-worker, right in front of her in the bar. It's not an "open" relationship, so this behavior is inexcusable. She later found out that this had been going on for a while. To make things worse, in the following weeks, it was discovered that he has piled up 10s of thousands of dollars of online gambling debt, has drained their joint bank accounts. And, he (Jon) continued to go on with the affair in open defiance of basic decency.
Idle hands are the devil's playthings
It will nice to have my gf out of the house. She's unemployed, has no hobbies or passions that she devotes much time to (except cooking sometimes), and watching TV... A healthy, able-bodied adult ought to stay busy nearly every day. If not with work, with reading, art, or poetry or something engaging and uplifting. Something that gives life a purpose. Aelys has been unemplayed for a while. Not paying her share of the rent, but that's not what I'm complaining about. I don't mind helpign her with that for a while as long as she uses her tiem wisely and is considerate.
It's her idleness that is causing all of the problems I've been having with her lately. She says her only hobby is myself. I'm some kind of project for her, an emotionally damaged and uncouth person for her try to fix and civilize. So, all she does during the day, while I'm at work, aside from a minimal amount of housework, is to get into my things, open my crates and boxes, organize my closet without my permission, mess with my clothes, my books, my box of smut magazines, somethign, anything. And all of it crosses personal boundaries and creates a lot of stress. My things are none of her business. Another thing I mentioned has been spying in my browser history. If not that, she sits around wathcing TV and crying.
She complains that I go down stairs and shut myself up in the workshop. She calls it the "GeekoSphere." It's a large windowless basement room brightly lit with flourescent lights. Its walls are lined with shelves, cabinets, and work benches. Power outlets are everywerhe - ceiling, floor, walls, and benches. Except for the humidity (i need a dehumidifier), it's a good place to work on electronics. The room is crowded with tools, some dozen computers, servers, short wave radios, video game consoles, monitors, cables, stereo equipment, video equipment, cameras, amplifiers, gadgets, vintage scientific lab equipment (e.g. microscopes, ccd cameras, lab glass, etc.), electronics and software-engineering projects: microcontrollers and circuit boards I'm working on. Last night I was working on an audio file database - getting everything so its serachable from a website linked to a MySQL database with an embedded audio and video player or streame it something. I have some music files in the form of mp3s, ogg vorbis, and others. I'm working on getting it all online (only accessable by me and a few friends) and in the form of an infinite Jukebox wehre you can type in the website, a password, type in what you want to hear or watch, and then have it streamed to your computer.
It's a big project. Just getting it all in to 1 searchable database is a challenge. Anything commercial that I've tried just chokes. So, working on some batch files. Anyway, it's goign to be 3 >500 watt linux servers packed with hard drives and cooling fans running on salvaged industrial tower servers. The databases will be linked to gether by 1 searchable webpage. During the winter, I'll keep it turned on to provide heat for the house.
Anyway, this morning she complains that I come home late, then I shutmyself off down there and play games.
Me: would you rather have me down there smokin' crack? (I used to do too much cocaine and heroin, mostly iv. Enough that I was having trouble focusing on school, or getting anything done. Drank too much for a while too. So, hobbies like th is have been therapeutic, provided they're not making me so mad (which computers will do) that I'm punching the cement walls. Somethign that I immerse myself in and get my mind off the occaisonal craving).
My gf, on the other hand, wants me to spend my free time, what little of it there is, watching TV upstairs with her and her cats. I hate TV. And I am not overly fond of cats. I get twitchy and resteless after only a few moments, though sometiems, I bring a laptop upstairs and read or work on a project and sit with her while she watches. Then she gets pissed wehn she comments on something that just happened and I say "huh?" Though I am working on tyring to nod and smile and say "yeah" and feign some enthusiasm, and pretend to know what is happening in the show. Then Eloise cat walks up to my chair and jumps on my lap and gets in the way of my keyboard. I bought her a few ounces of catnip a few weeks ago to try to keep her occupied so she wont' keep bothering me.
My gf will be away for a couple of days helping her sister Amelie move and watching her baby during while her Amelie moves from her old apartment in Japan Town to a house in the Richmond neighborhood on the western side of the peninsula. She's leaving tomorrow morning.
Her sister is moving because of her own domestic problems. Amelie just annulled her marriage after about 1 yr. A little over 1 yr ago, she married a co-worker at her firm, and got pregnant. Then, with her sister 8 - 9 months pregnant at the firm's Christmas/winter holiday party, her sister's husband makes out with another co-worker, right in front of her in the bar. It's not an "open" relationship, so this behavior is inexcusable. She later found out that this had been going on for a while. To make things worse, in the following weeks, it was discovered that he has piled up 10s of thousands of dollars of online gambling debt, has drained their joint bank accounts. And, he (Jon) continued to go on with the affair in open defiance of basic decency.
Idle hands are the devil's playthings
It will nice to have my gf out of the house. She's unemployed, has no hobbies or passions that she devotes much time to (except cooking sometimes), and watching TV... A healthy, able-bodied adult ought to stay busy nearly every day. If not with work, with reading, art, or poetry or something engaging and uplifting. Something that gives life a purpose. Aelys has been unemplayed for a while. Not paying her share of the rent, but that's not what I'm complaining about. I don't mind helpign her with that for a while as long as she uses her tiem wisely and is considerate.
It's her idleness that is causing all of the problems I've been having with her lately. She says her only hobby is myself. I'm some kind of project for her, an emotionally damaged and uncouth person for her try to fix and civilize. So, all she does during the day, while I'm at work, aside from a minimal amount of housework, is to get into my things, open my crates and boxes, organize my closet without my permission, mess with my clothes, my books, my box of smut magazines, somethign, anything. And all of it crosses personal boundaries and creates a lot of stress. My things are none of her business. Another thing I mentioned has been spying in my browser history. If not that, she sits around wathcing TV and crying.
Anyway, while she's gone, I'll do some reading, ride my bike, work on my hobbies, sleep in, and relax for the first time in a while.
Her sister is moving because of her own domestic problems. Amelie just annulled her marriage after about 1 yr. A little over 1 yr ago, she married a co-worker at her firm, and got pregnant. Then, with her sister 8 - 9 months pregnant at the firm's Christmas/winter holiday party, her sister's husband makes out with another co-worker, right in front of her in the bar. It's not an "open" relationship, so this behavior is inexcusable. She later found out that this had been going on for a while. To make things worse, in the following weeks, it was discovered that he has piled up 10s of thousands of dollars of online gambling debt, has drained their joint bank accounts. And, he (Jon) continued to go on with the affair in open defiance of basic decency.
Idle hands are the devil's playthings
It will nice to have my gf out of the house. She's unemployed, has no hobbies or passions that she devotes much time to (except cooking sometimes), and watching TV... A healthy, able-bodied adult ought to stay busy nearly every day. If not with work, with reading, art, or poetry or something engaging and uplifting. Something that gives life a purpose. Aelys has been unemplayed for a while. Not paying her share of the rent, but that's not what I'm complaining about. I don't mind helpign her with that for a while as long as she uses her tiem wisely and is considerate.
It's her idleness that is causing all of the problems I've been having with her lately. She says her only hobby is myself. I'm some kind of project for her, an emotionally damaged and uncouth person for her try to fix and civilize. So, all she does during the day, while I'm at work, aside from a minimal amount of housework, is to get into my things, open my crates and boxes, organize my closet without my permission, mess with my clothes, my books, my box of smut magazines, somethign, anything. And all of it crosses personal boundaries and creates a lot of stress. My things are none of her business. Another thing I mentioned has been spying in my browser history. If not that, she sits around wathcing TV and crying.
Anyway, while she's gone, I'll do some reading, ride my bike, work on my hobbies, sleep in, and relax for the first time in a while.
Tuesday.
Listening to SOMA FM. Entertainment through pain.
I need to vent and rant. I'm agitated and need to get this off my mind so I can function at work today. I've had female trouble again. Filing under misogyny.
Ran just under 10 miles this morning from home to work as my commute. Will run home this evening when I'm through with work.
I invited my gf to a jazz piano concert at work today. The performance was 1 hour long. GF arrived late. She fidgeted with her backpack and made noise with her cell phone during several pieces before she finally got quiet. It was irritating. Then she complained and got bitchy because I had to get back to work and didnt' have time to have lunch with her. I never promised her lunch. For lunch, I usually have 1 cup of soup. On a busy day, I gulp it down in 5 minutes, as fast as I can considering how fscking hot it is, then I have to GTFO (GET THE FSCK OUT RIGHT NOW!!!!) of the cafeteria and get back to work. This dining-hall style of eating isn't sometning I can do with someone around. It's something I do when I'm pressured for time and therefoer prefer to eat alone and not have to hear about somebody's motherfscking problems. Anyway, no matter how I eat, whetehr I gulp down my food like an undergrad at the dining hall or eat very carefully and neatly, she complains. Then she wants to sit there and waste another hour telling me about her problems and complaining about me and ignores the fact that I've got to get out and work. If I dont', I won't have a job, just like her. Then when I get hoem, she complains and bitches that I was at work for 12 hours. Presently, I have a difficult and time consuming project and need that much time to make any progress. If I don't put that much into it some days, I will get fired and be jobless, just like my gf.
I mentioned in an earlier blog post that I've noticed that some of my clothes have started disappearing. Shirts, socks, underwear, pants. I think my gf is throwing them away. I usually don't leave clothes laying around in and lose them. Also, the GF has recently been complaining about the way I dress, and I can't find some of the clothes she complained about. For example, my "Hook Ups" T-shirt with a graphic of a Japanese-Animation style "naughty nurse" handing out pills has disappeared. Also, my Hooters (the 1980s new-wave rock band whose shtick was an instrument called a "Hooter" based onthe sound it made, not the restaurant one can find off many freeway interchagnes in the US) is gone. My GF says those shirts are offensive to women. So have a pair of blue jeans that have holes worn in them. And many socks, the ones with a tiny, un-noticeable hole in the toe or heel.
So, the other day, when I was looking for a duffle bag in the closet. I needed something -- I was planning to go to the 2010 Retro Gaming Expo and thoguth I might buy enogh things there that I would need a large bag to carry them home (on my bike). In the back of the closet, I noticed a big black garbage bag stuffed full with something. I hadn't noticed it before, so I wondered what was in it. I untied the orange plastic band that held it shut, opened it, and found most of my missing clothes. This is what she's been doing with them, except for the ones that I caught her throwing in the trash. Maybe she was planning to donate them to GoodWill or haul them to a dumpster where I wouldn't find them. There were much more than I had thougt were gone.
This is yet another behavior that rubs me the wrong way. I'm beginning to miss being single and having the occasional (bitching-free) hookup with a single girl or prostitute or even having a masty in the shower to relieve certain tensions. Much less stressful than dealing with the female problems that I'm now having.
Listening to SOMA FM. Entertainment through pain.
I need to vent and rant. I'm agitated and need to get this off my mind so I can function at work today. I've had female trouble again. Filing under misogyny.
Ran just under 10 miles this morning from home to work as my commute. Will run home this evening when I'm through with work.
I invited my gf to a jazz piano concert at work today. The performance was 1 hour long. GF arrived late. She fidgeted with her backpack and made noise with her cell phone during several pieces before she finally got quiet. It was irritating. Then she complained and got bitchy because I had to get back to work and didnt' have time to have lunch with her. I never promised her lunch. For lunch, I usually have 1 cup of soup. On a busy day, I gulp it down in 5 minutes, as fast as I can considering how fscking hot it is, then I have to GTFO (GET THE FSCK OUT RIGHT NOW!!!!) of the cafeteria and get back to work. This dining-hall style of eating isn't sometning I can do with someone around. It's something I do when I'm pressured for time and therefoer prefer to eat alone and not have to hear about somebody's motherfscking problems. Anyway, no matter how I eat, whetehr I gulp down my food like an undergrad at the dining hall or eat very carefully and neatly, she complains. Then she wants to sit there and waste another hour telling me about her problems and complaining about me and ignores the fact that I've got to get out and work. If I dont', I won't have a job, just like her. Then when I get hoem, she complains and bitches that I was at work for 12 hours. Presently, I have a difficult and time consuming project and need that much time to make any progress. If I don't put that much into it some days, I will get fired and be jobless, just like my gf.
I mentioned in an earlier blog post that I've noticed that some of my clothes have started disappearing. Shirts, socks, underwear, pants. I think my gf is throwing them away. I usually don't leave clothes laying around in and lose them. Also, the GF has recently been complaining about the way I dress, and I can't find some of the clothes she complained about. For example, my "Hook Ups" T-shirt with a graphic of a Japanese-Animation style "naughty nurse" handing out pills has disappeared. Also, my Hooters (the 1980s new-wave rock band whose shtick was an instrument called a "Hooter" based onthe sound it made, not the restaurant one can find off many freeway interchagnes in the US) is gone. My GF says those shirts are offensive to women. So have a pair of blue jeans that have holes worn in them. And many socks, the ones with a tiny, un-noticeable hole in the toe or heel.
So, the other day, when I was looking for a duffle bag in the closet. I needed something -- I was planning to go to the 2010 Retro Gaming Expo and thoguth I might buy enogh things there that I would need a large bag to carry them home (on my bike). In the back of the closet, I noticed a big black garbage bag stuffed full with something. I hadn't noticed it before, so I wondered what was in it. I untied the orange plastic band that held it shut, opened it, and found most of my missing clothes. This is what she's been doing with them, except for the ones that I caught her throwing in the trash. Maybe she was planning to donate them to GoodWill or haul them to a dumpster where I wouldn't find them. There were much more than I had thougt were gone.
This is yet another behavior that rubs me the wrong way. I'm beginning to miss being single and having the occasional (bitching-free) hookup with a single girl or prostitute or even having a masty in the shower to relieve certain tensions. Much less stressful than dealing with the female problems that I'm now having.
So this is my Day 1 again of an attempt at being clean again. Total abstinence is how it has to be for me, no doubt.
I'm almost 40 and have had plenty of years to figure out the secret to using drugs recreationally but NEVER actually could figure out how to do that
I've had insomnia for the past few weeks and, if patterns prevail, it will become even more sleepless
I actually just woke up at 4pm after tossing and turning. What I WANT to do is lay in bed some more but I won't be able to sleep and if I do, that will make me wake up wide awake at a 'stuck with yourself' hour of the night with nothing to do
Gotta keep it movin', man. Its about reality and life is up and about all day every day. Time to jump in and participate
I have $6 and the ways and means to get more. But I won't. Lemme give this day a real shot. Lemme give commitment an honest attempt and pay no mind to the fear and discomfort
I'm gonna hop in the shower and grab a bite to eat and come RIGHT HOME. Today I can't fuck with myself by justifying things like gettin' high. $6 will get me 3 40oz Hurricanes and another day of putting off what needs to be done
If I fail today should I just give up again and accept the possibility of rehab? (I sure wouldn't mind sitting in a facility cafeteria eating some chow and knowing that that will happen 3 times a day)
Fuck! All I did was type '40oz' and I'm considering grabbing that fucking malt liqour
There's a meeting at 7 tonight close by. Why are all the fucking convenient meetings always hours away? 3 hours is a long time to be with myself. Maybe I'll call someone in NA and see if they'll hang out ?
Nah, I won't do that because of pride and I just don't wanna be social. More forms of self-centeredness that are killing me and keeping me from who I truly am
Baby steps.
Shower first and do what ya can. What ya can't do... don't.
So, visual aids to keep me grounded are in order.
The pic below was taken 02/13/10. I was 6 months clean
I relapsed on 06/21/10 and the below pics were taken today (09/21/10)
I'm almost 40 and have had plenty of years to figure out the secret to using drugs recreationally but NEVER actually could figure out how to do that
I've had insomnia for the past few weeks and, if patterns prevail, it will become even more sleepless
I actually just woke up at 4pm after tossing and turning. What I WANT to do is lay in bed some more but I won't be able to sleep and if I do, that will make me wake up wide awake at a 'stuck with yourself' hour of the night with nothing to do
Gotta keep it movin', man. Its about reality and life is up and about all day every day. Time to jump in and participate
I have $6 and the ways and means to get more. But I won't. Lemme give this day a real shot. Lemme give commitment an honest attempt and pay no mind to the fear and discomfort
I'm gonna hop in the shower and grab a bite to eat and come RIGHT HOME. Today I can't fuck with myself by justifying things like gettin' high. $6 will get me 3 40oz Hurricanes and another day of putting off what needs to be done
If I fail today should I just give up again and accept the possibility of rehab? (I sure wouldn't mind sitting in a facility cafeteria eating some chow and knowing that that will happen 3 times a day)
Fuck! All I did was type '40oz' and I'm considering grabbing that fucking malt liqour
There's a meeting at 7 tonight close by. Why are all the fucking convenient meetings always hours away? 3 hours is a long time to be with myself. Maybe I'll call someone in NA and see if they'll hang out ?
Nah, I won't do that because of pride and I just don't wanna be social. More forms of self-centeredness that are killing me and keeping me from who I truly am
Baby steps.
Shower first and do what ya can. What ya can't do... don't.
So, visual aids to keep me grounded are in order.
The pic below was taken 02/13/10. I was 6 months clean
I relapsed on 06/21/10 and the below pics were taken today (09/21/10)
Well I didnt do shit today I sat around and smoked pot trying my best to resist dosing the phenazepam I have. I found out I got an 88 on my world Politics test which is cool because I didnt study at all. It seems like I should pass 3/5 classes and get my gpa high enough to keep my parents paying for my school. Im really craving heroin I have been literally counting the days till I can get more shit is gonna end badly. In the meantime I still dont really know anyone in this town so my plan is to get really benzod and drunk on saturday try and make some new friends. That might be entertaining.