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Coming up soon people! Whatcha got ready for it?! I'll be packing some good afghan, and hopefully some "beizels"= sour d'sxblueberry, just missing some good skunk. What's every one else gonna be smokin

I've felt like I'm floating through life recently.
I have no real direction, no real drive to find one......... I am okay with going with the flow-
But yet, in others I am searching for their direction.
How can I expect others to have direction when I don't myself.
The lesson here may be-
I need to learn to lose expectations when it comes to other people.

The title bears no negative implications, and for reference sake, the definition of mutilate (from www.thefreedictionary.com):

1. To deprive of a limb or an essential part; cripple.
2. To disfigure by damaging irreparably: mutilate a statue. See Synonyms at batter1.
3. To make imperfect by excising or altering parts.

The above applies to all... you're surroundings, your body, mind, spirit, soul.... Don't let the definition set boundaries, or let it define you.

So, for all of those out there, who have self-mutilated to any extent, including myself, do you have words to describe why? What was it that you were seeking from the act and it's repercussions?

We're talking piercing, tattoo, cutting, doing drugs (any ROA), yadiya...

Also your outlook, what you take personally, and what you want others to see...

I'll get around to detailing some more of my own acts, but I needed to post before it was out of the question... For starters I guess it's a matter of self-discovery, and a journey of trials and errors to learn from and for the most part successful ventures into the unknown, for later appraisal and self-approval in a been there done that fashion...

Chronic pain is, well, a pain! Especially when you REFUSE to take opiates! I have been dealing with a lot of pain and trying my best to manage it without going back to that evil stuff. My doc says I have a sciatic nerve problem. I have no clue what's going on. All I know is, two things happen when my pain gets bad. One, I'll get electrical twinges down one leg or the other, or even both. OR! I get this itch, this deep annoying itch on either leg or both.

So I tell my doc about this. She takes me off my gabapentin, which has been a lifesaver especially during my early WD days. She thought it was an allergic reaction to the drug. I've been taking it for years (ex let me have them) and never had any adverse reaction. So, she puts me on Xanax (0.25 mg tid) for anxiety due to the messy divorce. She thinks the itch was due to that. No dice there.

Fast forward to yesterday. I'm in bed because of the damn pain. She wants me to try tramadol and increase the Xanax to 0.50 mg tid. Uh-uh. Nope.

I tried one tramadol (ended up admitting defeat to pain. It was making me ill) and all it did was give me a massive headache and a hangover this morning. So, I went in for a physical and brought this up.

I flat out told her that I liked my gaba and it WORKED! She wouldn't put me back on it. Finally, she came up with an alternative. Lyrica. 50 mg tid. I hope it works and isn't addictive.

I find it rather funny, though, that in this society where people SEEK narcotics, someone like me who REFUSES them seems like a whack job. I felt almost like she thought I was a med-seeker. How is that possible? I refused lortab and asked for a drug that (yes, I know it can be fun recreationally!) is not a controlled substance?

I smoked a little weed before the last visit and she tested me since I'm on adderall. I was positive and I swear it ruined her complete trust in me. I hate the idea of switching doctors because I'm afraid it's going to make me look like a med-seeker.

And being one who has known about meds of various types from my Mom, ex and now in the field I work in, probably makes me look like either a hypochondriac or seeker.

But, dammit! The PAIN IS REAL!!! And I want to be productive and stay off the narcs. Why oh why can't doctors listen???

I posted this in The Dark Side, but it was closed by a moderator who said I should blog it. Well, okay. I really feel that this is a story that every tweaker should read.

P.S. All the pictures in my gallery are from the time period indicated in this story, which, coincidentally, was also when I joined Bluelight.

Hello people. It is so wonderful to have sites like this. Anyways, I guess I'll start at the beginning. There is a lesson, a moral, and a suprising twist to the traditional meth addiction in my story. "Listen" up, y'all. I grew up in a upper-middle class home with non-smoking, non-drinking (at least regularly), non-drug-using parents. I was gifted and blessed and I am eternally grateful for my upbringing. However, I was able to start smoking cigarettes at age 10, going to roughly a pack a day by age 12. I was also born with weak lungs. All was well for years. I started burning the ganjicus greenery around 18, and dove head-first into the world of mind-altering illicit chemicals as fast as I could. Uppers (meth in particular) always held the most appeal for me, which makes sense because I'm an "up" person in general. I used to call meth "me juice", as in "it makes me more me!" Hindsight is 20/20, and looking back, I was the most annoying, fiendish, jonesy, stingy, wet-behind-the-ears, obnoxious tweaker those first few years. Needless to say, the drug had me in its pocket.

Time went by, my addiction went through phases, getting better, worse, and back again. I *ALWAYS* smoked it. I think that I was more addicted to the act of smoking it than to the drug itself there towards the end of the early years (as I highly suspect most tweakers are). It got pretty bad. Bad enough, that I felt I had to do something drastic to get away. So, of course, out of the frying pan and into the frier right? I joined the U.S. Navy.

I will not go into that story, but all in all it was a beneficial, educational, self-evaluating experience. Of course, I spent a good percentage of the time fantasizing about my buds back home, rolling bowls... Okay, flash forward. I got out of the Navy (another long story that can be simplified into: the Navy was ludicrously overstaffed [there were 32,000 recruits in basic with me, for example]). I bought a Civic, got a job running pizzas, and set about rebuilding my networks. Things continued at a fairly expectable pace for about six months, untill, one day... I found the connect to beat all connects. Ever. It was unreal, how I could get a 1/4oz of METH for...well...not gonna mention prices. Lets just say it was a chance of a life-time. Problem? I had no money. One day, I was playing video games on my 'box when my good friend calls me and tells me that hes got this girl thats looking for a little tina. Well, sure! Little did I know that I was about to meet my now-wife of four years and mother of my son. Here's where things get interesting.

See, she was in a horrible car accident a few years prior where she broke her neck and had to learn how to walk again, among other things. Her seatbelt broke. I'm sure y'all can figure out what THAT means... Yes, bi-yearly settlements of more than $10,000. And me with this unholy access portal to the world of cheap-ass dallas meth. Needless to say, we went into "business" together. It was what I had been dreaming of ever since my first foil-hit 10 years prior. Rivers, and I mean RIVERS of dope. I have so many shocking, fucked up stories that I could never share them all. Heres a sampling: She took 1.5g HOTRAIL in ONE HIT!!! (yes, this is true. the image is forever burned into my memory...), i overamped and passed out....WHILE HITTING THE PIPE, one night I smoked an entire 1/4oz alone with a propane torch. This is barely scratching the surface. I know this is a harm-reduction site, and the mods are reaching for that close button, but hear me out. There is good life stuff coming. Okay, this period of "plentifullness" went on for around 8 or 9 months. We'd stay up for (and I kid you people not, you'd be suprised what your body is actually capable of) between 2 and 4 weeks at a time, crash for a few days, rinse, repeat. This went on. And on. And suddenly, I couldn't smoke. Anything. Hell, a Marlboro ULTRA light (and those fuckers are mainly air) had me near to fainting. So I took to snorting and eating the shit. And it got worse. And worse. I don't need to throw in the part where all of a sudden we were dosing just to feel normal. Everybody's heard that. Truer words were never spoken.

Flash forward to the end. Heres a great motivation for quitting: we got ripped off for over $2000, and my dear close friend got arrested in my car trying to make our money back. So we quit. I swear to god, it was so easy...I can't stress this enough. I was desperate to come down, get it over with, and never look back. So we did. And BAM! She was pregnant. I got a job managing a chain of mexican restaurants, and my beautiful son was born on April Fool's Day, 2008. Me and his mother got married last May. Wait, I'm skipping stuff. Okay, so the girl who took a 1.5g hotrail suddenly (and I mean literally overnight) became the intolerant wife who would leave her husband for smoking....CIGARETTES! And who (for a short strech of time), administed random urinalisys'... I put up with it because I loved her. I love her. Entirely. To steal a quote: She lives as though the world were as it should be, to show it what it CAN be. (A hundred million points to the person who can place that).

I'm getting ahead of myself. So, she's clean, and under the impression that I'm clean. Well, I'm not. I wasn't then. I'm not now. And I likely never will be for any considerable amount of time. Judge me if you will, but it is what it is. I have successfully hidden daily cigarette and weed usage and semi-periodic to frequent stim usage. Here's the kicker: At the age of 26, I was diagnosed with moderately advanced emphesema. My pulmonologist (just about the most well-regarded in my community) told me that my lungs were 25 years older than I am. He told me that they were the worst he had ever seen in 25 years of practicing. He asked me about my past. I was honest. Completely honest. And he told me that that 8 month stretch SINGLE-HANDEDLY gave me emphesema. Here's a direct quote I will never forget: "You could have very likely smoked a pack a day until the day you died and had no lung problems worth mentioning. That was the one and only thing that did it. Smoking that stuff is like pouring hydrochloric acid on a kitten." Seriously. Think about that for a second, tweakers. Smoking it is easily the most toxic thing about an already super toxic drug. There are ways to get even better rushes off of it not involving your lungs at all (read: Buttshots).

However, here's the good news (at least for me). The thought of smoking it (which once was just about the most appealing thing I could think of) literally turns my stomache now. It disgusts me and you couldn't pay me to do it. That fact alone opened SO MANY doors that I am still discovering. For example: I can now get a rather large amount, do it for the morning and early afternoon, then cut myself off entirely for the rest of the day, eat supper, and go to sleep. As a test, I have done this the last 5 days, tweaking all day and sleeping all night. I'm not saying that it is remotely safe. I'm saying two things. 1. That 8-month bender altered my brain chemistry in very interesting (and surely dangerous) ways. My attitude towards the dope now is hard to categorize. The addiction is still there, and always will be. And my willpower is still non-existant, and likely always will be. But, theres something very, very different. Its like my demon, i don't know, lost his voice maybe? Still trying to figure that out. 2. Not smoking it is unbelievable liberating. Oh my god, it's like a whole new drug. No more holding the damn pipe up to the light, craning my neck, and blah blah blah that we're all intimately familiar with. Now, I can buttshot or snort a large amount (or multiple small amounts), have a fucking blast, get alot of shit done, then eat a healthy meal, stock up on magnesium and 5-htp supplements, and go to sleep.

I would love to keep typing, and I have alot more to say, but that is enough for now. Thank you to all of you who kept up with this all this way. If you take anything away from my story, take this: if you must do ice, do everything you can to cut smoking it from your life. Sit and really think about what you are doing, what is going into your lungs. My breaths now absorb about 35% of what they used to, and I've shortened my overall lifespan by who knows how long. I can tell you that I know very well what it would feel like to suffocate and die while still breathing. Scary. Powerless. Down the dope-smoking road lies this for all of you. Therenare better ways! Be safe, have fun, and make every day count!

March 29th was a big day here, it was the 42nd Birthday of the NPA, or "New People's Army." Founded in Tarlac, a province on Central Luzon it didn't spread south to. Mindanao until 1973. Today Mindanao, specifically the mountains where I live, is the heart of the NPA Insurgency.

The group functions as the armed wing of the CPP (Communist Party of the Philippines). The CPP was founded, officially, a year before the armed wing and is the handiwork of Jose Maria Sison, aka "Joma." Joma was a Poli Sci Professor at UP (University of the Philippines, the nation's top university).

A Maoist, he is so far up his own ass that Mao himself falls short of the "ideal." While my town, San Francisco, isn't directly effected by the NPA every town around us is under the NPA's parallel government.

Luckily for me, the NPA no longer targets foreigners. There are not many white faces here and those few that do appear aren't seen for long. Until the late 1990s the NPA specifically targeted Americans and owing to the Islamic Insurgents (MILF,MNLF-Misuari,MNLF-EC-15,MNLF-MM,BIFF and ASG/JI) I tend to use my American passport for identification. If I dared to use my Israeli, the one I actually travel on, the Muslims would trip over themselves trying to kidnap me. Which leads me to my next subject...

Yet another American has been kidnapped here. The city of Cagayan del Oro, or CDO, has a large expat comunity, or "large" by Mindanowan standards anyway. I don't like the town much, my eldest brother-in-law was working in a hospital there until he got his visa for the UK. He's in Manchester now, testing blood for the NHS, lucky him. I used to go there often enough even without my brother-in-law, Ariel, working there. Roads are not plemtiful here and so its a 12 hour trip by SUV to travel the 250 kilometers to the city. Still, it is Jackie's hometown as well as neing the military headquarters for my sector so anytime I had to deal with paramilitary issues I had to make the trip.

A 64 year old white guy from Ohio has disappeared leaving behind all his possessions. To show you how fucken stupid authorities here can be, the CDO Chief of Police is saying the guy simply slipped out on an unpaid hotel bill. Granted, 29,000 Pesos is very high (575 US) BUT the guy left everything including his cell phone and passport. What good is sneaking out when your stuck on Mindanao without a passport? You can't get it replaced unless you go to Manila and you cannot get to Manila unless you have a passport! It is a hellish experience if yours is lost or stolen but then that is why US citizens aren't supposed to be on the island (if you work for the US Govt. even as a postman you are forbidden by law to come here without written permission from your embassy. Other citizens are highly discouraged). Anyway, wherever the bloke is I hope he isn't suffering too much. There but for the grace...

Music wise I have been busy with the Amsterdam Acoustics weebsite. Basically its an "Unplugged" type of deal but so much better. You won't see LL Cool J rapping to bongos and maracas (thank G-D) but, for example I was just into The XX "Crystalised."

The XX are an English group, typical Emo-Goth kids but damn that song is in my head. If you aremt familiar with it forget the acoustic version, check out the studio version. The video is perfect. Before them I was watching Dead Confederate, the acoustic version of "Rat" is perfect.

Finally, Peter,Bjorn and John (I never get their names in proper order) have a new video up on Youtube of their appearance on the American late night show, "Conan." The song is "Second Try" and if you listen to the whole thing once you will probably not be able to get it out of your head for 3 days, at least I haven't been hahaha.

Joysa is begging me to go Luzon. It's been a month but I have been getting my does (female goats) and I inspect each one since I'm using them as breeding stock. I was invited to go boar hunting by Uncle Leo but there is no way I'm trekking in the bush in the middle of a tactical offencive by the army (began Jan. 10). My luck I'd be humming that Peter,Bjorn and John ditty as I stepped on a Claymore. What q stupid way to die, especially since I don't eat boar.

hell, we might be making plans for your conference at Little Rock by now. That'd be just so enlightening & uplifting for me. i've already had a brief cry today. This week's gonna suck. crying's gonna no way bring you back to me nor any closer. i'm sorry if my behavior drove you to it. surely not. i hope you can reach 1 of their hearts to let me know how it's goin. i miss you and love you no less than ever.

it's not 7:30am yet and i'm crying about you. I may not've cried until bed last night. an article i read about how to treat a woman set me off because it was going to be natural to treat you that way. i'm so in love with you still. It was Land's response yesterday. "she liked you. i don't know what happened to her." maybe he's as confused as i am. all that i'm kinda getting from deana is that you were shunned in a way by the path you were taking by your family. but you quit smack so long ago and did so much positive work with HS. i don't understand it. maybe cause you still smoked bud. Come to me in a dream sometime and stay awhile. Please! I need you! Help me to remember it the next day.

So I was a pretty heavy mephedrone user and actually I cant find any posts about people who have done the amount I did. I really need to know if there's anyone out there who can give me some insight as to what medical problems I can expect.

At my heaviest my usage was around a gram a day every day for 2 months. However I've been using for about 7 months.

So if you've used as much as I have please let me know whats going on with you, generally the problems im having relate to my heart, kidneys, brain, joints, muscles, and vision. this isnt fun I'd like to know what to expect.

Introduction
As well as starting a blog, I also tried IV'ing my Buprenorphine (Temgesic 0.4's and 0.2's), late afternoon yesterday, and again today... read about it in the blog...
I have some curious questions and pondering points that I need clarification on, but first a little background info.

My gear:
1.6 mg Buprenorphine (Temgesic tablets, 3 x 0.4 mg and 2 x 0.2 mg)

Sealed kit (Kit A) containing:
-needle with cap & 2 ml syringe
-alcohol swab
-25 ml cup and a cotton piece that fills about half the cup uncompressed
-disposable vile of 1.5 ml sterile saline H20 (0,9% NaCl)

Stericup set (Kit B) containing: --- (genius, basic necessities packed sterile and the pack is no bigger than 2x3')
-Mixing cup with cool orange handle
-Absorption pads for cleaning blood after shot
-Sterifilt (1.0 micron filter - neatly fits onto syringe)


Figure 1 Picture of a Sterifilt solo lying beside the Stericup, and one with a syringe attached, slurping up 'goodies' from the Stericup.

Method
1. So basically I crush the pills in the 25ml cup (from Kit A)
2. Put in the H20 and stir with the plunger end of a sterile syringe until I have a thin milky solution without any visible suspended solids; I used 3 ml H20, because about 1/3 of the volume disappears when filtering through the cotton in the 25 ml cup (noticed this yesterday and ended up using more pills and more water...)
3. I slowly squirt the solution into the Stericup
4. I use the Sterifilt to suck up the solution into a new syringe (I guess I could use the same one all the way through, so long as sterility is maintained, but I'm being extra safe since I'm a complete newbie to IV'ing)
5. I remove the filter, and quickly stick on the capped needle. Any air, I remove right before shooting.

Results
What I'm left with is a syringe hopefully containing as much Buprenorphine as possible and as little lactose and other stuff. The solution I get is clear, and usually only about 2/3 of the original volume solution actually comes through after cotton and Sterifilt filtering.

With 3 ml of H20 0,9% NaCl and 1.6 mg worth of Bupe in Temgesic sublingual tabs, I get almost precisely 2 ml of solution, perfect for the 2 ml syringe (although this makes it a little harder to pull back and check for blood in terms of making sure that I hit the highway and that I am in the right lane).

Anyways, I had to shoot 4 different places, different amounts at each point, getting shakier and shakier as it all went on and wrong... Horrible shooting.... after only my second IV attempt ever, I think it is relatively well done, but damn, my arms look like I've shot 6 times today already (thus, healing time, not IV'ing again for a while); missed first shot by a tiny amount, and I think I subcutaneously injected about 0.1 ml in my right arm, then about 0.4 ml in medial cubital vein in my right arm, and about 0.5 ml in brachial vein in my left arm, and the final shot in the cephalic vein in my left arm.

Very shortly after I got that adrenaline, uncomfortable sweaty feeling which led me to at least dial in the emergency number on the phone, so all I'd have to do was press the green call button and then move to somewhere around people and ask for help if anything went wrong... But I knew it was just the adrenaline, and of course the drug taking effect, so I was patient, and guess what, it's passed anyways.

Discussion & conclusion/questions
Now I'm just sitting sucking out whatever Bupe might be left in the cotton filter, hoping that I have not wasted my time trying IV (yesterday I really enjoyed the effects, but mostly the thrill of injecting)... Anyways, with all this in and out business, must've fucked up the needle tip, and probably damaged some places in and around my veins that requires some recovery time.

-What are the recovery times for the most used veins for IV? Do they every regenerate the damaged vein wall and so forth?
I know this has been answered somewhere on BL, and there are actually plenty diagrams available on the net, describing what effect needles have on veins, but in terms of recovery time and vein integrity, I couldn't find anything easily via Google or the BL search (btw... I think that the search engine on BL sucks... so please, anyone who can refer me to a post about BL search functionality, tips and tricks, and FAQ, please say so)

-Is a good Buprenorphine H20 solution supposed to be clear?
@ Cap'n H You IV Bupreonorphine a lot, can you sum up some info that clarifies my questions about vein recovery and solution colour? No need to make an immense effort, just seems like an experienced guy like you is the right guy to ask.

-Is there anything but lactose and buprenorphine in both Temgesic and Subutex?
Although some threads here on BL list all sorts of ingredients, the local medical guides around here, claim lactose to be the only other ingredient...

This post is prone to some editing, when I get around to it, but for the time being, I think I got things covered, now I just need some answers...

Been in Rehab mulitple times, for alcohol & drugs. Does anyone else have any expierances? And i have alotttttt of questions if anyone can help answer them.. %)

2 days ago I found myself really moved by the local media. For some reason it latched onto the story of 3 Filipinos from amongst all the hundreds (officially almost 300) imprisoned overseas for drug smuggling. The 3, 2 women in their early 30s and a man 42, were about to be executed in China for heroin smuggling. All 3 were arrested around the same time in 2008, and had it in their suitcases. Likewise, all had been sent by the same group of Nigerians.

I remember my last trip to Cambodia. There were these 2 young West Africans joined at the hip. They must be there for the long haul because they had their own motorbike. These guys were maybe only 21 or 22 and 1 of them dyed his hair yellow. It doesn't require much of a brain to guess what they were about.

I had been staying at my usual hotel, World Star, on Monviong Blvd the capitol's main drag. I would walk the 1 block to the corner and then turn down the small street leading to Beong Keok Lake, the infamous "Lake" of Backpacker's tales. As I would walk down that 2 block long little street with the giant dilaphidated mosque at the end, ignoring the motordops trying to sell me a ride I didn't need, I would always see those 2 black guys laughing with each other, always parked in front of the mosque's retaining wall.

West Africans in SE Asia have a shitty reputation. In Jakarta the word for African is synonymous with "Putaw Dealer." Putaw being the Heroin #2, Afghan, that is sold domestically there. They have carved out a niche for themselves. The Africans are rarely bothered (though 2 caught an execution in Indonesia in 2006). It is always the very poor SE Asians they have carrying the shit that catch the worst part of the deal.

Despite the Philippine Government groveling for the lives of these 3 Filipinos, China merely consented to a 1 month reprieve. The sentencing there is so strange. For example, 2 other Filipino smugglers were sentenced to death, but then were re-sentenced to "Death with a 2 Year Reprieve," which merely means they get to enjoy 2 more years in a Chinese manufactured hell before facing the Firing Squad. China, always economical, blindfolds you and then uses a single pistol to plug you in the back of your head. Indonesia uses an entire Firing Squad. Maybe Indonesia is worse. Just like Thailand, if you dare to Appeal your draconian sentence you often end up with much worse. Appealing 20 years can get you a Death Sentence.

I was watching the news and in a Tagalog language newscast a brother of 1 of the 2 women recounted the family visit that had just transpired. China grants a 1 hour family visit on the day you are to be shot. The assholes that they are, they don't inform the condemned that they are going to die until they lead them to the killing space, an enclosed courtyard. So here is this 32 year old Filipina who is aware she had been given a Reprieve but no idea she is to die that morning. All of a sudden her cell door opens and in walks teary eyed parents and siblings. He recounted his sister's first comments: "Am I to die today?"

For some reason that really shook me. I find it so infuriating that a powdered substance manufactured from a flower can be used to rationalise the execution of a 32 year old woman, all the more so when she was transporting it. She claims she had no idea it was drugs. Westerners would be incredulous hearing that but the truth of the matter is, an uneducated Filipina is usually that naïve. Her passport revealed it was her first trip abroad. The African who recruited her was her "boyfriend." A Filipina in love is liable to do anything her lover tells her to do.

The whole thing just makes me disgusted.

Then in today's news I saw a story that made me feel like smacking a woman. This past autumn Chinese authorities tipped off the PDEA (Philippine Drug Enforcement Agency) that a freighter out of South America, en route to China would be transiting Philippine Territorial Waters with at least 1 metric tonne of cocaine aboard it. The PDEA are like bulls in a china shoppe (no pun intended) and negated any possible chance of suprising the ship. The result was that more than a metric tonne of coke was dumped into the waters off the Visayan Islands, the region immediately north of my island. Sealed water tight, some washed up, a lot more was taken by the thousands of small craft plying these waters and so now the Philippines has a Coke Trade where it could never have supported one before.

Fast forward to yesterday in Cebu City. Police made an undercover buy for 500 Pesos (11 US) worth of "Shabu," the drug of choice in the Philippines. Shabu is locally produced, pharmaceutically pure methamphetamine made specifically for smoking (usually called "Ice" in the US though Americans never see it that pure). It is made by Tawainese professional chemists who come here just to produce it in warehouse sized operations (though an American on my island was just caught for it as well). 500 Pesos buys 3 "Pisos' in Cebu, 3 doses, or "bags."

The police move in to arrest her, they find a bit more Shabu in her house but then find a solid kilo brick of pure coke. So now this dumb woman who kept a kilo for show and tell will spend eternity buried under the prison.

i wish 1/19 was April Fools day. I managed to get furthest through my day before crying about you. You were still one of the first things i thought of this AM though. My heart is so heavy, it weighs a ton. the rest of me is having a hard time dragging it around. dragging isn't quite what i mean, but close. i've actually got a stages of grief sheet. i know you're familiar with those through your work as a social worker. i'm sure stuck in it. that cycle. but today was a good sign. i was sad but it didn't engulf me. it sure has, though, other times. prolly write more later, baby. i love and miss you!

Preface: Here to fore I had gone into full withdrawal from morphine addiction while on a trip to our home in Cebu City and ended up in Southwestern University Hospital where I was begging (in my mind) for a strong opiate/opioid only to be offered an injection of Nubain (nabulphine hcl,a strongly antagonistic opiate)...

The doctor left me lying on an ER gurney though, as in the West, there were curtains offering a bit of privacy. Rizza, my brother-in-law Nigel and Dad were off somewhere and then purgatory became hell. Student Nurses were told to look at the foreign junkie, opening the curtains without compunction they stared wide eyed at me in my hospital gown (yes they made me wear it) and a pool of mauve coloured feces congealing at the foot of my stretcher.

Let me give you an idea of the type of culture I was dealing with...If you go to Youtube and type in (I believe),"Philippine Scandals" you will see, amongst other choices, a video of an emergency procedure performed in this same hospital. A gay man somehow got an entire can of body spray shoved up his rectum (sounds like my last date). As if THAT wasn't bad enough on its own, he could not remove the can (I absolutely hate when that happens). He ended up at Southwestern University Hospital begging for relief. The Hippocratic Oath being what it is, the kind hearted doctors in Cebu put him under and then removed the can...while filming it FOR LAUGHS.

Back to my personal hell...Finally Dr.Nubain returned only to inform me that the single doctor allowed to prescribe opiates/opioids was nowhere to be found (or perhaps had told him he wouldn't write a script for a foreign junkie). Finally I told him I had a 75mg vial of Pethidine (aka Meperidine or Demerol) and only needed him to open it and load it in a syringe.I wanted it IVd but there is no way that was going to happen. A nurse came, after they sent Dad into the street to find a pharmacy that sold the right syringe. A nurse injected me in my shoulder and of course I was momentarily sated.

As we were leaving the doctor repeated that I should have gone to Succor (Our Lady of Succor), a cancer hospital since he assume it would be easier to get a proper script. This piece of advice came in handy down the road, but not yet.

Dad loves eating out and like every Bisaya I have ever met loves seafood. We drove across the city until we skirted the parking lot of Victoria Mall and pulled into a space holding 1 of the grimiest eateries I have seen in SE Asia. As one might very well imagine the region has some really filthy places to eat. Like most places its tables are wooden picnic tables where strangers sit shoulder to shoulder. It isn't quite as bad as the mainland, Thailand for example where people spit on the floor and wipe runny noses on the hands they eat with, but grimy none the less.

I had a bit of an appetite after 2 days of not eating but about 30 minutes into it began withdrawing again. I didn't say a word but after they were done eating told Dad he ought to drive mr over to Succor.

All 4 of us drove over and all 4 of us entered the ER. Not 1 patient was there but a pretty young doctor was and I nervously began explaining my situation. Before I reached the mid-point she cut me off sweetly and simply asked how many tablets I wanted and what dosage. I wanted to minimise the request naturally so told her 3o tablets, 30mgs each. She smiled and said no problem and in about 5 minutes we left.

Dad and Nigel left Rizza and I in the outpatient building waiting area as the hospital pharmacy was on its 2nd floor.Roughly 15 minutes later they returned and not a moment too soon as I went from bad to worse. It didn't help that they hadn't filled the script since Dad found the prices too high.

100 tablets of 30mg IR (instant release) morphine sulphate retailed, at the time, for 2800 Pesos (about 55 US) so that 30 tablets would be about 20 US Dollars. They charged perhaps 500 Pesos too much (10 US), about 1 US Dollar per tablet. I almost lost my composure. It was my money and if had cost 5 US per I would have paid it post haste.In fairness 5 US Dollars is 2 days wages for many Filipinos but when you are in withdrawal empathy does NOT rank too highly on your personal inventory.

It took him another hour to agree to buy them there but in the end he handed me the foil pouches they come in. Rizza opened them and I swallowed 10 (300 mgs) without drinking a thing.

That night we sailed for Mindanao and though haggard, and S kgs lighter, I survived the trip in fine spirits.

I'm currently subject to probation drug testing and will continue to be for a considerable amount of time. Because of the draconian drugs laws of the USA and a not so bright decision, I found myself thrown into a situation where either my drug use had to change or I would find myself in jail. I know I'm not the only one going through this and I hope that what I've discovered over the last half year can help someone else in my position.

First off, this is not a guide to beating drug tests. It's not to learn how to create a false negative, but rather how to avoid a false positive. I am currently being tested with a 7 panel Quikscreen instant drug test cup. I am tested for amphetamines, THC, cocaine, buprenorphine, oxycodone, opiates, and MDMA. Some of what I've found may not hold true with every brand of drug tests, although I would assume all probation quality tests would work about the same.

Here a little history of my pre-probation drug use. I smoked weed around five days a week. I drank nearly every weekend but rarely during the week. I rolled at least once a month, but I occasionally would throw one in mid month. I would also go on the occasional acid trip and I have tripped on shrooms once in my life. I would also occasionally smoke salvia and I absolutely loved to mix nitrous with anything I could. I liked my drugs, but I always did my best to respect them and respect myself. I never did develop a drug problem. Instead, I found myself in a legal problem.

One notable thing about me is that I'm stubborn. Despite getting myself into a drug related legal shit hole, I never once considered actually quitting drugs. All the legal stuff got me kicked out of college for the year and turned my life upside down. I had lost everything that I used to find fun. God be damned if they took my drugs away too. From Bluelight, I had only a vague knowledge of RCs and other legal drugs before my life blew up. However, thanks to all you guys, I quickly learned that there is a whole world of drugs out there that are legal and often on par with their illegal counterparts. That left me with two obstacles, where to get these drugs, and if they would cause a false positive or not. I won't go into the first one here, but I want share with everyone all the knowledge I've gained to get around the second obstacle. With my tests, there's a mean looking guy that watches me piss into the cup. There's no room for me to pull any bullshit. However, I've found that there are alternative substances that won't trip the tests. Some of these are obvious, but I'll put them anyway. Others aren't so obvious. As a result of all of this, I no longer think of my drug tests as a problem. In one small way, I won. Anyway, here goes.

Nitrous: (Pass): As I'm sure many of you can guess, nitrous doesn't show up on a drug test, as it isn't remotely chemically related to the seven things on my test. It was the first drug I used other than caffeine and tobacco in my post-apocalyptic life. I have to say, a balloon or five never felt so good.

6-APB/Benzo Fury: (Fail-amphetamine): Since 6-APB is very similar to MDA, which is similar to MDMA and amphetamine, I bought several of the Quikscreen cups I get tested with online and gave them to my friend. This began I system I've been using ever since. I give my friend a free dose and he pees in the cup for me. Unfortunately, 6-APB failed for amphetamines.

Mephedrone: (Fail-amphetamine): This also failed for amphetamines. However, I'm not 100% positive that the stuff I got was actually Mephedrone so there may still be hope for it. I didn't have a good source for it at the time so I just gave up on it.

JWH-250: (Pass): This is the first of several cannabinoids that I've used. All synthetic cannabinoids that resemble any of the commonly sold JWH's will pass a normal 7 panel test. However, a lab called redwood toxicology can currently test for JWH-018 and JWH-073 in urine in a GC/MS test. There's also a less common lab out there called Norchem that can test for JWH-250 in urine, but it's not illegal so I was willing to risk them switching up the tests. So far, everything has been fine. The first time I used 250, it felt great to be stoned again. The first few times you use it, it feels like weed, except it only lasts 45 minutes to an hour. As I used it for longer, it was clear that the high was lacking a little something but it still got the job done.

Kratom: (Pass): I discovered kratom a few months into probation. Before I was confined to drug testing, I always thought kratom was one of those rip off legal highs that don’t do anything. In short, I was wrong. If you get the right kratom from a reliable source, it is great for just chilling and feeling good. It is 99% a body high, and doesn’t mess with your head much. JWH is almost the opposite. Together, they are quite nice. If you like weed, then you’ll probably like the feeling. It isn’t exactly the same as being stoned with real weed, but I can honestly say it is either just as good or nearly as good. If I had the option of giving up JWH + kratom for weed, I’d probably take it, but I would certainly miss the combo. You feel high, you feel good, it’s relatively cheap, and there is little to no hangover. Sound familiar?

5-meO-DALT: (Pass): As far as I know, most if not all tryptamines will pass a standard drug test. This one is no exception. It’s not the greatest psychedelic out there, but it is certainly worth trying. It puts you in a trippy mindset, but unfortunately there are little to no visuals. It also has some nice euphoria to it, but it also causes a lot of people to get a little nauseous. A Tums comes in handy for this. Also, this was the first drug I’ve ever used that can have an uncomfortable come up. A lot of people I know who tried it thought it was a bad drug during the first hour, only to end up enjoying it a lot. After the first hour however, the confusion and nausea settles out into a trippy euphoric high that lasts for around 3-4 hours. It’s definitely not as full and awesome as LSD, but it’s good for an evening of happy confusion.

MDAI: (Pass): This is by far the best drug I’ve found so far. I’m a little biased because my favorite drug pre-arrest was MDMA. I put off trying it for a while because I read a lot of lackluster reviews about it. Finally, I decided to give it a try, and I was blown away by it. The first time I used it I combined it with kratom. This is definitely a unusual combo, but it worked extremely well. I thought I was just in for a relaxing, happy night. However, an hour after dropping 200 mg, I knew without a doubt that I found a viable replacement for MDMA. To me, it felt just like rolling but without the stimulation. It isn’t just a poor substitute for MDMA. It is a great drug in it’s own right. Even when I get off probation, I will undoubtedly continue to use it if it isn’t illegal by then. To me, it is 85% as good as MDMA and lacks most of the negative side effects. There is no depression, no headaches, or anything like that. The worst I’ve ever felt the next day was a little tired from lack of sleep. The lack of negative side effects is probably because it isn’t neurotoxic according to the studies I’ve read. MDAI is also great combined with a decent stimulant, and feels even more like MDMA. According to some studies on it, it isn’t neurotoxic when combined with a dopamine reuptake inhibitor, like methylphenidate or MDPV. My friends have told me it is great with adderall and feels almost identical to rolling. However, when combined with a dopamine releaser like amphetamine, it is neurotoxic comparable to MDMA, and thus carries the negative side effects. But for those of us getting drug tested, we can’t touch amphetamine anyway.

MDPV: (Pass): I got MDPV to combine with MDAI. It’s not worth it. IMO, MDPV is shit. It’s probably the least satisfying drug I’ve used in my life. When snorted, you feel kinda nice for an hour, and then feel like shit for the next five hours or so. When you eat it, you feel good for a few hours, and then feel like shit the rest of the day. The high isn’t worth the crash. If you accidentally use too much, which is easy to do since the dose is so small, be prepared for intense over stimulation and jaw clenching like you wouldn’t believe. At first, I thought I liked it but after using it around 10 times, I simply gave it up and wrote it off as a learning experience. If you like plain stimulants and are being tested, you might get something out of it, but I certainly did not.

Methoxetamine: (Pass): Methoxetamine passes for everything on my tests. However, I’m not tested for ketamine and methoxetamine is quite similar to ketamine. I did some googling and I found that ketamine is metabolized into norketamine, which is what I believe would be tested for in a drug test for ketamine. I’m not a chemist, but I can’t see methoxetamine being metabolized into norketamine so I wouldn’t worry about that. Methoxetamine was the first dissociative that I’ve used other than salvia and nitrous so I don’t have much to compare it to. However, it’s quite fun and I would suggest it to anyone who has some experience with psychedelics. Otherwise, I’d say start really small with it. It’s something that’s good for a night with a few close friends or alone. I wouldn’t go to a party with it, as it makes you act pretty retarded.

I am trying to make my Blog more interesting and so I'm trying to learn how to add photos.

Why do you always have to comeback into my life when everything is going fine? Okay I lied about the fine part but I really wish i didn't have to use you right now. I hate that right now I can't type well I have to keep backspacing because my hands feel light. I took some percocets and some xanax....yeah bad but whatever. I'm really am sleepy but then again I keep opening my eyes.

I want to know if anyone has had any similar experiences i done mdma for the first time on saturday night into sunday morning i felt awful sunday day i was having a bad trip hallucinating elecric spiders that were tryint oto set me on fire my body was shaking and i was a wreck i found it hard to pee and i could not eat anything i felt awful agen monday and felt like i didnt sleep all night but a lil better and tuesday i was still not myself i was anxious and felt dazed and not myself still but went out to try and take my mind off things today i feel terrible still really anxious and sick and just abit like im in a daydream i feel abit headachey and my neck hurts abit im better than i was but fear i may ave done some damage so if anyone has experienced a bad comedown like this or knows why this has happend please please help me

shit i'm so upset with my family and it all around here. my heart is so broken. you may never have known if i was gone first. i told a few people about you but they'd not have contacted you. who knows, you might still wonder if it was the other way around with me dead instead. oh, you have no idea how i wish it were that way if 1 of us had to go. at least i don't wonder about you. i hope you're able to guide your kids.
i know your niece Deana is spoken for, but i have to say that i like her. She's been the only 1 in touch since i gave your daughter $150. i had police confirmation so i didn't feel 'got'. i guess your hs friends didn't do any of the money. I'M kinda miffed about that because Tam were there for all those years you put into it COUNTLESS hours, and they still didn't help financially. people are broke but you personally helped thousands. i'm just disappointed. i miss you like crazy!

Deana wrote me a nice long letter detailing your relationship with her. She seems like a great woman. My dad and I are into it again. Just the usual. I hate him. I wish he'd have died instead of you. I'm not joking.
I made a mistake last night trying to find out more about how/why you died. I called the coroner's office to get info. All they'd tell me is that you are gone. That started me crying again. Hard. At this rate, I'm not far behind you. I hope you recognize me. But it's not looking like I'm going anywhere soon. Don't know if I said, but i did get the intimate emails you sent. Just the thought of them makes me cry. I love you Tammie and may have dreamt of you. I don't remember dreams that well. If you're around, please comfort me when it's my turn. I do need you!

I've come a long way, man!!!!!! I have 6 months and 1 day clean from all drugs and alcohol.

I've been taking pics to compare my physical changes and, I gotta say, I can see a difference!

Me as a junkie a little over 180 days ago:



Me today!!!!

Um yeah, I need you to come back now. I'm sorry. I really should have trusted you more. I'm positive that I would've been less jealous, had I known you in person. I may have begun moving at the end of May. It would have been great to see you in little rock. It would have been a rekindling, a fresh touch of our souls. If we didn't turn out to be soulmates, I still would have loved you with everything I had. I think our first time making love would have sealed our fate 1 way or another. Tammie dammit come back.

i wish i weren't so weak. i need to stop bugging your relatives. i need to go on like you were never there. i don't know if i'll think about you for the rest of my life or not. like everyday. but i will never forget you. i'm still mad at you for dying. dammit, Tammie!!!

Lord, send me an angel down.

Now it seems as that has changed. I only ever loved one guy in my lifetime and now when I look back at the so called "relationship" all I want to do is slap myself in the face. I thought what we had was love but I was young and stupid. I know that sounds cliche but that's the best phrase I can use. Besides the point I have had other boyfriends, been on dates and there is always a guy trying to be with me. The truth is they really mean nothing to me and that's why I chose to be alone at least for now.

Except there's a new guy who has came into my life. Wasn't my type but so far he has grown on me. We have so many common interests and I actually love talking to him. I also love the fact he hasn't mentioned sex yet at all like most guys (some who asked in the same day of meeting me). The bad thing though is I don't know if he feels the same way I do... Well I never really told him I wanted to be more than friends which is my fault. I guess I am just too afraid. I'm mainly afraid for the fact it could jeopardize what relationship we have going for us right now and it can make me look like a dumbass in the end. Maybe one day I will have the courage to tell him how I feel.

i got my car back yesterday. i can tell the difference. it'll do, though. busted off my front tooth on a granola bar. i look and feel like shit. tomorrow night we're gettin a game of nickel - dime - quarter poker up. haven't the $ to drink so i may not.
at least i heard back from Sara and she said she believes that you believed in our future because you were straight forward. that gave my heart hope....but for what? the past tense in our situation is going to have nothing to do with what the fuck am i gonna do now. We ____ED! We _____ED! ED! ED! WE'LL NEVER GET TO DO ANYTHING TOGETHER EVER AGAIN!
So I have grieved. apparently I'm not done. I'm grieving losing you. the person who got closest to me the fastest. I'm also grieving the loss of our plans. Now I have to come up with something else. You don't have to. (i don't think) If you've found your ex-love, you may not even think of me up there. I guess I'll find out who mine is when i'm supposed to. my soulmate. i'm jealous..u KNOW who yours is.