Blogs

I am trying to make my Blog more interesting and so I'm trying to learn how to add photos.

Why do you always have to comeback into my life when everything is going fine? Okay I lied about the fine part but I really wish i didn't have to use you right now. I hate that right now I can't type well I have to keep backspacing because my hands feel light. I took some percocets and some xanax....yeah bad but whatever. I'm really am sleepy but then again I keep opening my eyes.

I want to know if anyone has had any similar experiences i done mdma for the first time on saturday night into sunday morning i felt awful sunday day i was having a bad trip hallucinating elecric spiders that were tryint oto set me on fire my body was shaking and i was a wreck i found it hard to pee and i could not eat anything i felt awful agen monday and felt like i didnt sleep all night but a lil better and tuesday i was still not myself i was anxious and felt dazed and not myself still but went out to try and take my mind off things today i feel terrible still really anxious and sick and just abit like im in a daydream i feel abit headachey and my neck hurts abit im better than i was but fear i may ave done some damage so if anyone has experienced a bad comedown like this or knows why this has happend please please help me

shit i'm so upset with my family and it all around here. my heart is so broken. you may never have known if i was gone first. i told a few people about you but they'd not have contacted you. who knows, you might still wonder if it was the other way around with me dead instead. oh, you have no idea how i wish it were that way if 1 of us had to go. at least i don't wonder about you. i hope you're able to guide your kids.
i know your niece Deana is spoken for, but i have to say that i like her. She's been the only 1 in touch since i gave your daughter $150. i had police confirmation so i didn't feel 'got'. i guess your hs friends didn't do any of the money. I'M kinda miffed about that because Tam were there for all those years you put into it COUNTLESS hours, and they still didn't help financially. people are broke but you personally helped thousands. i'm just disappointed. i miss you like crazy!

Deana wrote me a nice long letter detailing your relationship with her. She seems like a great woman. My dad and I are into it again. Just the usual. I hate him. I wish he'd have died instead of you. I'm not joking.
I made a mistake last night trying to find out more about how/why you died. I called the coroner's office to get info. All they'd tell me is that you are gone. That started me crying again. Hard. At this rate, I'm not far behind you. I hope you recognize me. But it's not looking like I'm going anywhere soon. Don't know if I said, but i did get the intimate emails you sent. Just the thought of them makes me cry. I love you Tammie and may have dreamt of you. I don't remember dreams that well. If you're around, please comfort me when it's my turn. I do need you!

I've come a long way, man!!!!!! I have 6 months and 1 day clean from all drugs and alcohol.

I've been taking pics to compare my physical changes and, I gotta say, I can see a difference!

Me as a junkie a little over 180 days ago:



Me today!!!!

Um yeah, I need you to come back now. I'm sorry. I really should have trusted you more. I'm positive that I would've been less jealous, had I known you in person. I may have begun moving at the end of May. It would have been great to see you in little rock. It would have been a rekindling, a fresh touch of our souls. If we didn't turn out to be soulmates, I still would have loved you with everything I had. I think our first time making love would have sealed our fate 1 way or another. Tammie dammit come back.

i wish i weren't so weak. i need to stop bugging your relatives. i need to go on like you were never there. i don't know if i'll think about you for the rest of my life or not. like everyday. but i will never forget you. i'm still mad at you for dying. dammit, Tammie!!!

Lord, send me an angel down.

Now it seems as that has changed. I only ever loved one guy in my lifetime and now when I look back at the so called "relationship" all I want to do is slap myself in the face. I thought what we had was love but I was young and stupid. I know that sounds cliche but that's the best phrase I can use. Besides the point I have had other boyfriends, been on dates and there is always a guy trying to be with me. The truth is they really mean nothing to me and that's why I chose to be alone at least for now.

Except there's a new guy who has came into my life. Wasn't my type but so far he has grown on me. We have so many common interests and I actually love talking to him. I also love the fact he hasn't mentioned sex yet at all like most guys (some who asked in the same day of meeting me). The bad thing though is I don't know if he feels the same way I do... Well I never really told him I wanted to be more than friends which is my fault. I guess I am just too afraid. I'm mainly afraid for the fact it could jeopardize what relationship we have going for us right now and it can make me look like a dumbass in the end. Maybe one day I will have the courage to tell him how I feel.

i got my car back yesterday. i can tell the difference. it'll do, though. busted off my front tooth on a granola bar. i look and feel like shit. tomorrow night we're gettin a game of nickel - dime - quarter poker up. haven't the $ to drink so i may not.
at least i heard back from Sara and she said she believes that you believed in our future because you were straight forward. that gave my heart hope....but for what? the past tense in our situation is going to have nothing to do with what the fuck am i gonna do now. We ____ED! We _____ED! ED! ED! WE'LL NEVER GET TO DO ANYTHING TOGETHER EVER AGAIN!
So I have grieved. apparently I'm not done. I'm grieving losing you. the person who got closest to me the fastest. I'm also grieving the loss of our plans. Now I have to come up with something else. You don't have to. (i don't think) If you've found your ex-love, you may not even think of me up there. I guess I'll find out who mine is when i'm supposed to. my soulmate. i'm jealous..u KNOW who yours is.

Where to begin...probably at the beginning.

I was going to post this in SL&R like I normally do with things of this nature, but I figured this was more of a declaration and venting mechanism than a questioning that Bluelight can help answer. I have the answer already.

I'm gender dysphoric. I want to be a woman.

I have been since I was young. I never told anyone about it, because, having no idea back then about anything transgender related, I thought I was just being crazy. That it was a phase. I hadn't even begun to figure out my sexuality, let alone any possible gender issues.

I knew I used to cross-dress, and not for sexual gratification, but I loved pretending I was a girl. This was all in secret of course. After a while, I figured out that I was bisexual, during one of my first ecstasy experiences. It made so much sense. It was definitely one of those "wow!" moments that completely shatters everything you thought you knew and reveals to you the truth that was there all along.

I began a quest to explore that side of me. Even so, I kept falling back into bad relationships...hardcore codependent things...and I hurt a lot of people, including certain Bluelighters. I was a mess. I was just trying to be happy, and doing it in all the wrong ways. I would hide my sorrow in drugs, and in other people.

After a while, other feelings started creeping up inside me; a desire that I'd repressed for a long time. I repressed it because everyone on the playground, in middle school, and even in high school, would oftentimes call me fag or gay or queer. I toughened myself up, and by 11th Grade, I was accepted. But at what cost?

These feelings were a desire to be feminine. I misinterpreted these feelings as me being gay, and so I tried being gay for several years. You know something isn't right when you have to "try" to be gay. I cut my hair short because all my gay friends told me it was hotter that way. I hated my hair short. I wanted long, feminine hair, and I didn't want to be "manly." I didn't figure this out until very recently, that all of these feelings were related to gender issues, not sexual orientation. I finally sat down and told myself, "Hey, I want to be a woman. That's who I've been inside. And that's okay. It doesn't matter anymore what others think. I am making my own happiness."

It's been a really rough road. I just hope those who I have hurt can forgive me someday. I have been a mess for so long. I finally have a calling. I'm going to use this blog to update my progress on pursuing the goal of transitioning to be a woman. First things first: I'm seeing my therapist again next week, and really talking to her about this hardcore.

I know this will be expensive. I know this still might not be the final straw on who I am (but it feels so perfect), but I am going get started in the best way I can. I won't rush things, as much as I want to, but I'm just happy that I have so many supportive people around me.

Now, if only I could tell my family...

Love,
TJ

i have done dxm many time and i have been through the best and the worst but it was always with mucinex dm or robo gel caps is nyquil (cough) any different?????

I have been on 20mg Suboxone for 7mo. My joint pain seems to get gradually worse every month. I am thinking it is the naloxone? has anyone switched to subutex for these same syptoms??

I have recently starting smokeing pot again. I met a seller. I was recently told that the pot may not be as good qualitty as the guy say it is. he said he sold me kush. Bought four bags of the stuff. When I opened it up there were maybe 12 seed total. Didn't way them no scale yet. I have one now. I have a feeling I got ripped off. It was half seed like the dime bags I got in school. Anyway the cannabais mod. scloded me. Wouldn't point me to any price thread that I could still post in. He said they weren't here to tell me how to aquire and look for drugs. He was a little rude. I am just looking to know what to ask for for a nice B grade weed. You have this forum and understand it's harm reduction site. Not a site on how to get drugs. I am getting pot no matter what so the least he could have done was point me to thread or a forum that educates me on what to ask for. I hope this dosen't get me banned. If it dose then maybe this forum is not worth my time. I am angery at my situation. I am uneducated on what to look for what price to pay. I want to learn more so I don't get ripped off or get weed that is badly treated. My feelings are hurt. I waited till I was almost 26 for crying out loud. I deserve a little help. If he can't help me than he should point me to another forum that can. Like I say I don't want to get banned but I feel how I feel. I've been lurking on this site for a few months everybody seemed relatively nice. But the last response was a little short and snippy. How to get or not I will still continue to purchase weed. I am sorry for any offense anyone takes this to post.

Haven't been in school since monday of last week. Now I'm going back today in a few minutes and I had zero hours of sleep. Oh joy.

It's time. 5 years of constant blazing up. I'm getting sick of it. Not necessarily the high, but when I run out at the wrong times. First day is alright, second day I can still manage to keep my mind off things.

3rd day comes around, I don't wanna do jack shit. Complete lack of motivation, disinterest, slight grumpiness, anti-social. This lasts for about a week. It's almost like I need to plant to stay motivated.

Mary, I think we need some time apart. I love you still, but I feel the monotony of our relationship needs a fresh change. Till next time, caio.

Hi,

My name is Tyler and i am addicted to oxycontin for about a year now. i am taking 140-160 mgs of roxi a day. i dont know how to quit but i heard that suboxone works. i am currently in the Rochester, NY area does anyone know how i can get it or where i can? i am really depressed and need to stop this habit

Oxycodone is only fun when you're opiate naive. Once you've done either snorted or mainline dilaudid, heroin or morphine, it becomes virtually useless --sometimes undetectable. that coupled with the fact that its often twice the subjeective price of the other other opiates makes one question its popularity. seems like stupidity reigns supreme, as usual.

I originally posted in the "What's on your mind..." thread, but I find this a better place for this post.

-----

Now I know this might be the wrong thread to submit a long post like this, but all of it was on my mind, and I was inspired by sssssssssssssss.... Dear moderators - please redirect me, or move the post to another thread or forum, if you feel it necessary.

sssssssssss said:

so i was used to friends/people coming in and out of my rather large house all the time hanging out and stuff and now i just live in this little apartment by myself and its really weird... i hate watching tv.. but for my sanity i have to keep it on.

i think thats one of the reasons i came here

Click to expand...

^I'm with you on this one...

I live, work and study in my country of birth, but not the country I grew up in. So I have had to make a whole new set of friends as an adult, because none of the friends I grew up with live anywhere nearby. Likewise, my family is scattered as if a bomb went off between us, but our relationship is still moving in a positive direction. I have spent some time abroad, living together with old friends, but this just amounted to a year, and so for the past many years I have been making new friends. I shared three different apartments with the best of these new friends, over a coarse of 5 years (with the one year break when I lived abroad with old buddies). However, during the latter 3 years, the friend and I have grown apart, and since a lot of my other friendships came to be through this friend, I have always felt very distant and secluded. I sort of felt like I lived in the shadow of this person, and that I didn't choose these friends, and as such they couldn't be real friends. However, some of them have proven to be better friends than my best friend was.

Anyways, my point is that I was also used to people coming in and out all the time, many people that I really connected with and got a good vibe going, but now I moved on, live alone in a 3x4m apartment (not incl. bathroom, kitchen and hallway), I am trying to kick a heroin habit, and feel alone a lot of the time. The heroin habit is a long story, but in short me and the best friend started it together... him and I were brothers from different mothers in the beginning and really hit it off, got a real chilled out friendship going with lots of good karma, and eventually we formed a very strong comradeship that was essentially centered around our love for philosphy, ethnobotany, science, music (namely Rock 'n' Roll and Heavy Metal), and our cannabis, opium and heroin addictions. Heroin started off as a bonding agent, but as the story always goes, we soon became very self-centered and the philosophy of sharing was phased out and replaced by a tendency to profit off one another, all the while it seemed like my buddy was keeping a tight score of who owed who what (sort of subconsciously to begin with; he has a very strong ego and is not always aware of it). Friendly favours began to have a high price, hell, my buddy even started making money off me when selling me heroin, but of course, I should have expected that - I just wanted that good karma to live on, and I really tried avoiding any tendency to take advantage of my friends for any personal gain. For example, when it came to sharing a heroin cop, I would never make any money off of a friend, and if I was gipped when copping alone for both of us, I would always give him the benefit of the doubt and supply him with the larger portion (the way the heroin was effecting my friend led to me believing that he had lost his trust capabilities, so I did these sort of things to regain his trust... stupid and contradictory in retrospect).

Back in the ganja smoking days, one love and kindred spirituality prevailed, we shared everything and never owed each other anything. All of a sudden, I found my friend treating me like shit when his heroin wd's were bad. This made me feel misunderstood, misused and abuse, I mean, he has no right to yell at me and one minute and make a buck off me the next, especially when all of it was a projection onto me of his lack of control over heroin and it's adverse side effects! Not to forget that he became a fanatic in terms of sterility... he wouldn't drink out of my glass any more or eat with my spoon, without making sure it was spotless and free from my oh-so-deadly bacteria by using soap and detergent. What sort of signals does that send? I live a healthy lifestyle, and I have no STD's or any diseases for that matter, I am so rarely sick with an infection, so this really bothered me... Especially because we shared everything back in the day.

Anyways, lonelier and lonelier... Bro's before ho's is an ideal that my best friend also failed to comply by towards the end. I barely ever got a chance to hang out with this buddy without his girl being around anymore (she was also sucked into the heroin game, and I think that their combined and collectively managed heroin habits led to the illusion that they were in control of the heroin abuse, which also led to the fundamental difference between me and them: I want out of the heroin game and know that the heroin controls me and not the other way around, and they seem to think that they can get out whenever they want but for the time being they don't want out)... Anyways, his girl is great, but bro's need to hang alone to keep the brotherhood alive, and this is another reason we grew apart. The shadow became darker and darker, I became lonelier and lonelier. I was meeting many girls on the side, and had numerous flings in some of the most invigorating situations, but still, one needs brother love if one is so unfortunate not to find a womans love just like that. And I want to have some fun, do crazy stuff with my friends, but lately, it is impossible for things to amount to more than tension, or nodding off with this buddy; rarely any middle ground left, either he's got bad wd's and is intolerable for the most part, or he's so wasted that nodding off and nodding off even more are the only options. Plus I like doing things outdoors, and junkies usually like to stay indoors during the winter, unless copping for heroin.

I don't have a better half for the time being, and even though I really love being alone and going on journeys of self-discovery without the influence of 'friends' or people that have known me previously, then life does feel like a big old sack of moldy loneliness once in a while.

So I guess that is also why I came here, to become part of the collective open-mindedness that is BL. It's really a great place, and up until now, it has been possible to speak my mind without any horrible consequences (except for a little trolling incident with NAtionOfThiZzlam... sorry, couldn't help myself). It feels good to feel as if I'm part of a community like this, when my 'real world' community seems like it is crumbling. I am always up for a fresh start, and this is what I am applying for now. I want to move on from illusive friends, get off heroin, tie up all loose ends and get my education well done and over with, pay off debts, and wake up every morning to a clean slate. I can't say whether this would be possible without BL, as I don't want to try making all these changes without having a place to air my thoughts on the matter. All I know is that I feel free in this forum, free to speak thoughts that would otherwise be condemned in some of my other circles. I love you all, thank you very much!

Don't get me wrong, I'm rarely 'alone'... Plenty of friendly neighbours, great collegues and peers, wonderful family, and I get to travel and work in so many wonderful places. But the point here is not what it is like to feel alone in an isolated environment, but just the feeling of being alone in the world, even when one is surrounded by good people. And in order not to feel this, one really needs that feeling of having a brother from another mother or a sister from another mister, as well as healthy family relationships. This is not always easy to come by, so don't take it for granted when you've got it. I've had it and lost it many times by now, and I've been in and out of numerous sexual relationships, so for the time being I am sort of alone alone.

Water

Anything you wanna say about it.

If you guys want to continue themes, please suggest them in the comments in this post.
Thanx.

My introduction, written in a time of distress and a lot of pressure, and a heroin/drug addiction problem...

That is why I am now blogging, so that posts like the one below don't become static and end up being what defines me around here. Love to all!

bwanajzj said:

Hello fellow dopeys!

I am new here, but I have been reading many threads for quite some time, and figured it was time to register - the few times I tried in the past, the forum was closed for registration, so I guess today was my lucky day.

I sort of live a life of split personality, I suppose I am not the only one here with that 'problem.' I have a good job and I study at university, both at which no one really knows the side of me that uses illicit substances. Well, not entirely true, many people do know that I enjoy cannabis on a regular basis. However, they do not know about the psychedelics, stimulants and opiates etc. This side of me I only share with the closest of friends, which seem to be very limited in numbers these days.

I know I am being vague about my job and education, but I don't want to give up too much info here, just enough for you to get the general idea of who I am...

I am a great ganja grower, having grown organic soil grows, and numerous hydroponic grows using some clever homemade setups. I love music, and I also play guitar, which I have been doing for the past 10 years, and I think that I am quite good. I mostly play metal, but I listen to anything that sounds good, but good in my world is damn fucking unbelievably good, as I am pretty critical when it comes to music, considering how easy it has become to produce music, and how much shit ends up out there in the real world(I guess the main problem is not crappy musicians, but the generally dispicable taste that a large number of Earth's population seems to have).

Other than that, I love traveling and seeing the world, meeting new people and seeing new places. I have lived abroad most of my life, mainly in Africa. I also love journeying inwards, especially with the aid of psychedelics and ganja, but also in general, on an everyday basis. I might overanalyse myself and my surroundings often, but I love solving the great mysteries of life. I am also awed by the unsolvable mysteries of life, and I am quite keen on letting myself go with the flow while the universe unfolds itself in all its spleandor.

Currently I am a daily user of heroin, and occasionally smoke a spliff. I have been in and out of heroin use for the past 2 years, and prior to that I drank a lot of opium tea for a number of years. I have been through really bad withdrawals a number of times, and have a plan to stop using heroin sometime soon - right now I am slowly cutting down, to make the landing as pleasant as possible, although it is always hell no matter what. The reason why I am not just stopping now is that I am at the brink of getting a university degree, and I dont want to compromise it by spending a few weeks in a horrible condition. I have stopped numerous times before, and I really do think the grass is greener on the other side, but heroin is really a devil to master. Not that I don't enjoy using heroin, but everything becomes so neutral after prolonged use and my emotions and sex drive are close to zero. So I sort of swing between being a sex driven crazy monkey, to being a self-indulged junkie. But I do manage to keep up appearances, and eat and live healthy, so no one can tell that I snort up to a gram of brown Afghan a day in periods of heavy use. However, I do know that it takes it's toll in the long run, and I definately do not plan on using smack for many years to come. Better get out before it's too late. So you are all thinking, I've heard that before, but if you knew me, you would also know that I have a love for life, that nothing can get in the way of, and I posess a will power that most junkies don't come close to having, so it is possible for me to stop when I feel the time is right. And you might have heard that before... but please have faith.

Anyways, that was a little about me, and it feels good to be open about my drug use to strangers. That is why I joined this forum, to be able to tell like minded people things that I cannot tell my family and the majority of my 'friends' and collegues for the time being.

Here's a list of the drugs that I have tried(some many times, others once) with a dosage scale(1=mild doses, 2=medium dose, 3=high dose):
MDMA - 3
MDA - 1
Cocaine - 2
2C-B - 2
Shrooms(numerous species) - 3
Methamphetamine - 2
Amphetamine - 2
Khat(Miraa) - 3
Salvia divinorum - 3
Heroin - 3
Opium(raw and tea) - 3
Morphine - 3
Codeine - 3
Methadone - 2
Cannabis - 3
LSA - 3
LSD - 3
Kratom - 3
GHB - 3
Alcohol - 3
Nicotine - 3
Methylone - 2
Nitrous - 1
Alkyl nitrites - 1(or 3, if you count the time where I filled a bong with the stuff, and took a deep fucking hit of skunk through it)
DXM - 2
Ketamine - 1
+ some random barbituates which I don't remember the name of...

I think that about does it, will post again if I think of more...

All the best to all of you, and take care, be responsible and love yourself for who you are and all the crazy decisions you make in life!

Click to expand...

Hey friends!

This post is the end or rather the beginning of a a little story which involves me taking Subutex in ORT, and in the last phases of tapering, I've been going a little amok taking benzos and other opiates on the side, to get the addicitive cycle of things over and done with so-to-speak (trying to apply a negative perspective for future reference, in terms of street drug environment, downside of drugs, the negative and harmful aspects, etc.) - A personal approach to harm reduction, learning by doing but with many books and internet resources at hand - and of course at times advice from an old veteran street-junkie - all the while smoking a lot of good hash and weed, and attempting to keep a reasonable timetable based on T½ (half-life) and some equivalence charts based on the different substances [will also post later, as neat tables and all that - but benzo coordination and note taking requires a bit of rearranging and layout designing so be patient - at some point an objective and thorough report will come out, I promise].

BUT FEAR NOT! The majority of the binge period, I maintained an Excel sheet, writing down when, what drug, ROA, dose, and comments as the weeks have passed (when outside [OFTEN], I jotted it down on a piece of paper. From what I can sum up, I have listed the substances which I have been taking (some at leisure, some necessary for opiate maintenance) [will edit as time goes on as I put all the sheets and papers, times, pills and powder together in order of ingestion]:

OBS! I will encircle the paragraphs that are directly relevant to Bupe with === and the ones slightly related, but more about the interaction of benzos etc. with ------ .

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Opiates:
Buprenorphine (mix of Temgesic 0.4's, 0.2's, and Subutex 2's)
Morphine (10 mg tabs)
Codeine extract (Max 100 mg)
Methadone (20 mg tabs)
Ketobemidone 5m & Dimethylaminodiphenylbutene* (combo tabs - Ketogan)
*Very little info on this spasmolytic to be found...

I'm very close to hitting 0 with the Bupe, and after that I want to try stay off ALL, and only smoke a joint when offered a toke once in a while, or medicinally to take care of wds and alleviate other symptoms that come with sickness and age. I might want to have a nice little colllection of all different cannabis products, for occasional use. Like a connoisseurs set. OR like the suitcase in 'Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas' - just with Cannabis sp. products only...

Today, I am going to try IV Subutex (probably 1-1.2 mg) for the first time! I don't have a micron filter, but plenty of clean sterile gear vacuum packed with a lot of cotton, so I'm just gonna go with the flow, and slam it. In the name of science.

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Benzos: How many of each, and the price I will not share But I think I've had enough for now, unless a bottle of Valium falls in my lap
Diazepam (5 mg tabs; 15mg tabs - 1st cop of Diazepam - AMAZING CHANCE IN THESE PARTS!)
Clonazepam (2 mg tabs)
Oxazepam (15 mg tabs)
Nitrazepam (5 mg tabs)
Bromazepam (6 mg tabs)
Flunitrazepam (2 mg tabs)
+Quite possibly others

Typically a test of the anxiolytic effects of the benzo would be done by smoking joints, the hypnotic effects in terms of doing things such as preparing food (maintaining an order of processing ingredients, finding ut-ensils/itlities and the motor skills tested by a long bike ride, run, or walk, balancing acts (walking with a cup of coffee, doing stretches with yoga inspired moves, reading, writing, sleeping etc.T)

Oh ya... tried with second generation antihistamines (acrivastine and citrizinedihydrochloride) to potenitaite the benzos, but seemed they had no effect. So don't bother trying... unless the molecules can be broken down into more sedative derivatives or more hypnotic substances in some easy manner.

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Anyways, I've been away doing all sorts of stuff the past two weeks, and made a mess of things here on BL beginning of those weeks ago, which was due to a benzo binge I took [my first real benzo experience ever - the beginning of my honeymoon period with benzos - a honeymoon with a near foreseeable end (they just have to get out of my system within the coming days-week; thére are goals that need to be reached which cannot involve prolonged use of benzodiazepines]... <->BACK TO THE BENZO BINGE BL FUCK UP AFEW WEEKS AGO<-> ...short-term memory, wobbly enough to wanna say whatever whenever, and my input was very inconsistent... Good mood and the best of intentions throughout - no harm intended... I had a great time benzoing about from the 3-20th of March (now is probably a very good time to stop benzos too - benzos used for prolonged periods of time, from down to a week can have severe wd symptoms, especially at high doses). And if I troubled anyone, sorry. Things might have been a little misplaced, and some very kind moderators took care of some things for me, and for the rest, I'm gonna start a blog and, I'll make sure posts and threads get to where I want them, in a reasonable respective place, as time goes on; hella busy these days, and benzo memory damage does what it does.

So now the benzos are over, I have Ketogan (6 tabs), Methadone (2 tabs), and Subutex (haven't counted but they have to last me until Thursday).... A bit of top quality hash.

I assume it will take me some weeks, maybe months, before I have a proper recount of these experiences during my ORT summed up in a BL forum friendly template, and I think there is a lot of people out there whose questions I'll be able to answer in terms of Buprenorphine, and using other substances on the side, as well as some input on the different ROA.

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I wish you all the best, and have fun, but be careful. I advise reading harm reduction threads and consult the experienced users or moderators if in doubt, and know that all these substances combined can have some very harmful -> fatal effects, so the fact that I'm alive and able to recount my experi-ences/ments is hopefully worth your time and consideration. The benzos really fucked with my ability to keep a schedule and maintain school and work, and due to delayed salary and a number of other factors, I'm about a week behind where I should be on that front... been having drug fun and eating simple, cheap, healthy foods, hit rock bottom, but it's all good. What's done is done, now it's just a matter of catching up, and amongst other things, providing a report on these experiences for the BL community ASAP.

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P.S. I met a girl yesterday at a homeless shelter (first thing I told her was that she was beautiful), we had dinner (delicious). during dinner I slipped her my number, with something like 'for help, support, chat call me' w/ my name. She crumbled it up, and hid it, I think she didn't want her bf to see. She was beautiful - young east European girl on Suboxone, ping-ponging between shooting dope and maintaining. We went outside to smoke a cigarette, she implied that she wanted out, a good life and that it was so hard not to use with her boyfriend using dope all day everyday. The problem here is, I got her number too (but she shares phone w/ boyfriend, and I don't want it to be messy); I hope that she calls me, and that we can get out of this opiate cycle together. Otherwise, after a few days, I'm trying the guys number, gonna play good cop, and then get the girl on the phone and sweet talk her into meeting me. She has nothing - no status in the country, job, or home, just a junk habit with her bf and subs for maintainance... I want to help her and maybe we might even feel a little love for one another. I think I could love her.

To round off, I am going for a run, and then have a (banana, avocado, raspberry, cane sugar, SAFI, IL HWA Ginseng Exract, milk and yoghurt), and then need to rest. I'll spend the afternoon preparing for the buprenorphine shot later today All those benzos are apparently still working... Nodding like crazy.... the lack of sleep and the 0.4mg line of Bupe might also have something to do with it... Because of the cumulatively high dose Clonazepam I think, went to 16mg clonazepam yesterday, 1,2 mg bupe, 20 mg supposed Nitrazepam (pills looked axactly as they should - chewed to taste, bitter-sweet), anyone who can refer me to a benzo thread that talks about taste of benzos?

-Bwanajzj

I am a bit disappointed in myself for these (mainly mental) panic attacks. I hate that Ive been afraid most of my life. I hate that I'm scared to death of doing anything outside my safety zone. I was not working 4 nights because the girl I take care of was in the hospital. I could of worked a 12 hr shift making way more money Thursday night, but the panic started when i visualized the usual awkward dumb ass unpleasant as hell feeling like a fish out of water. This patient will have meds, treatments, and shit Im not familiar with. I retain memory and learning through touch or having done it a few times, unlike most people that learn by watching. I recalled too many times how humiliating it felt to feel like a complete idiot and how sometimes if called to do something I havent done in a while, while being forced to look like a jack ass because some fuckheads are observing me, which freaks me out big time. I do best going over unused skills by practicing or rehearsing ALONE. In fact people make me fuckin nervous and I always learn whatever alone. People often times fuck it all up for me by standing over my shoulder which I HATE. I should have taken the shift, but fear did a number on me and really fucked with my mind. I hate that the only thing that makes me do something i dont want to do is the fear of not doing something exceeds the fear of doing it. Im so disgusted with myself and my dumb ass fucked up fear, save for the times when logic or common sense warrants it. Once back in 1998, this rich dude I met off some date line came and picked me up in a limo. He was 31, VERY successful, rich, and liked to party. I had never tried X, but was too old for the Rave scene and even if I had known where one was, theres no way in hell I would of gone, at least not without being accompanied by a group of younger people and preferrably someone my own age or I would have felt like an idiot. Ironically, I read that others that felt like I did had those feelings vanish when the X kicked in and the younger crowd also would be welcoming under the influence of X. LOL. Yeah I bet they (we) would, but that opportu.ity never came and this rich, horny, white, young business tycoon had been the first person ever to supposedly have access.

I tried talking him into letting me have a pill, as I was leary of finding out the effects with a bunch of rich horny guys maybe, but of course he said he didnt have any on him but that I could try it once we got to this party somewhere in LA. He told me he would drive me to this party in his limo and take me home too, all the while wouldnt stop talking about his dick and how horny he was and kept asking very personal questions as to what sort of wild and crazy things I was wiling to do sexually. That whole sexalogue was a deal breaker for me and as much as I wanted to experience X, my mind screamed at me there is NO way I am going off with some horny sex crazed stranger to God knew where with God knew who, how many other people I didnt know being dependent on him to get home and uh uh no way. For all I knew it could of been a damn gang bang being doped up with some date rape drug perhaps, possibly even killed. Rich business men would have the means and contacts to be able to pull off some act that would be at my expense, end of story. No one knew where I had gone, with who, or even if I had told my friend Dave as a safety measure as I did in times of NOT wanting a lecture, but some safety or justice by giving Dave the information. Anyone else would have told me I was nuts and what the hell is thematter with me blah blah. Common sense won out and Im glad. At the restaurante, he wanted an answer, so I told him I decided not too, sorry. I wasnt at all

comfortable with the whole thing and seeing as how the guy couldnt and wouldnt talk about anything other than sex even after I told him I was not at all on his wave length, as far as I was concerned was a BIG RED FLAG by itself. Going off with that man is a REAL bad idea," i told myself. In times like that, there is reason to fear. I just freaken HATE all the counterproductive fear whether its doing a new job, looking for one, or like when I was in Dublin, Ireland back in 2001 I recall regreting not having any speed because being sober met being afraid to meet people, talk to strangers for being able to know where the hell I was going, and I got lost because I never know how to deal with people I dont know when Im clean and it can be fucking annoying at times. Of course thats one fear that chemicals helped me overcome, that is until they wear off.

My take on the best drugs:

1. DMT - Pure transcendence. Incredible euphoria, unbeatable visuals, ease of acquisition and a sense of cosmic warmth pervade the list of why this is simply #1.
2. LSD - Incredible 'analytical' potential, fantastic artificial visuals surpassed only by the deems, wonderful synaesthesia at high doses and duration place this squarely behind the King of Psychs.
3. Oxycodone - For me, oxy is everything I was looking for in MDMA, but without the hangover. Price keeps this one in rare attendance, however its ability to give me extroversion and to extinguish all of my mental/physical unease earn it a place in my top 3. Also good for my (at times) insomniac mind.


Honorable Mention:

4-AcO-DMT - There is no reason to take mushrooms when this is in existence. Devoid of confusion or anxiety, what keeps this out of the top 3 is its rarity and finicky dosing. Snorting this drug steals its depth and eating it requires planning, as with 9/10 psychedelics.
2-CB - Though I have limited experience with this chemical, its friendliness and short duration make it a very recreational psychedelic.
2-CE - Eating this has never gotten me where I wanted to be, although snorting this painful phen has provided non-stop eye candy for hours. Fun yet unbalanced. Many place this alongside or even above LSD. It is my favorite "baseline to trip in under 3 minutes" drug when I am not looking to blast off on Dmitri.
2-CT-7 - Painful and intense, I need to try eating this one. Snorting around 18mg gave me the most out of control trip I could ask for visually. My LSD trips have given me cleaner, more articulate visuals but T7 (as with to some extent 2-CE) made the whole world its canvas.
Cocaine - Only snorted this stuff once but it was basically everything I expected. Price & comedown are famously not worth it.

Experience with above chemicals:

DMT: In the ballpark of 50-60 trips, can't really say
LSD: 13 trips including two candy flips
Oxy: About half a dozen experiences
4-AcO-DMT: 4 trips
The 2C family: All told, roughly a dozen trips on these

I find opium to be about on par with oxycodone and can only surmise that heroin would be similar as well, except just stronger I guess. I've been offered dope on the house before, but the chemical's history was just too much to ignore and I wound up passing on it. The one psychedelic I would really like to try but haven't gotten the chance to is mescaline and TBH I believe it would be the phenethylamine equivalent of 4-AcO-DMT.

4/4/09 edit: Having tried tramadol now, I believe I can place it alongside oxycodone. 200mg + 20mg diazepam was lovely as was 600mg + cannabis. It's really great. I've only tried it two or three times so unfortunately my opinion on it may be rather shallow.