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Is going well. Legs are aching but is from my run on Sunday rather than withdrawals...

Have had a few crap moments. It's when I'm tired and need to get stuff done that I miss kratom/codeine the most as it's always affected me in the energising way. But I'm finding my own energy. Is a change to eat breakfast instead of keeping my stomach empty for the kratom later...

It feels like withdrawal is well and truly over.

The next step is keeping it up. Day 5 and counting :D

I'm feeling pretty depressed, antsy, anxious, nervous, worried ... everything! My life just seems crazy right now and I'm not sure when it will calm down!

If you read my second blog post, you will know that I had this work placement for my college. I've only been at it for a week.

They have basically been taking advantage of me. I am the person who can stand up for what I want / need / believe in. I'm not going to be free labour when I want experience!

My supervisor pulls me into his office and says I can quit or start dressing appropriately! Now I am not dressing inappropriately at work! I'm not an idiot. I know what I can and can't wear! I just left anyway. I would never go back there, ever! I can't stand the way they treat me and take advantage of me. Some non profit organization they are!

I talked to my program coordinator at school who doesn't seem to think there is anything wrong with my outfit. I'm not fucking changing my clothes for some moronic supervisor who isn't even paying me. If I was getting paid, maybe I could afford new clothes, but I'm not, so I can't.

Now I don't even know what to think or what to do. I'm thinking some weed would be nice now ... I need to relax!!! And we'll see what tomorrow brings!

I'm really not that involved in NA that much anymore. My particular area doesn't offer the 'therapeutic value of one addict helping another' so I have been hitting maybe a meeting a week outside of my area.

Truth is, NA has helped me but it does cause harm as well. I realize that I am the only one looking out for me so I need to turn that harm and negativity into something workable so that I can eventually have a life worth living.

Tonight? Ha! I want to fight. Again.

So what's the plan? My 'special friend' is free tonight and invited me over. Turned it down. We have different definitions of what 'friendship' is and I still have a lot of anger and resentment from when she rolled out right after my dog died. Its a pattern for her to bail when I'm in need the most. I accept it, recognize it for what it is but I simply can't forgive it.

Tonight I will go to a meeting in my area and see who wants to fuck with me this time. Pretend 'gangsters' still acting out in self-serving, self-seeking behavior with no desire to be of service to anyone but themselves.

Is it nicotine withdrawal that's making me like this again? I've been on this 21mg nicotine patch for 24 or 25 days now. I recognize symptoms from quitting before: depression, suicidal thoughts, drug/alcohol cravings, hatred, rage, self-sabotage

Fuck it. This will pass. The ultimate goal is to eventually feel good about myself and to be in service to others.

I'm getting there, I just never suspected it would be so fucking lonely

My name is Anne and I have come here to try to get help regarding Ephedrine. I am a mother of four children and I am 50 yrs. old. I have been living with a illness that has caused me multiple complications with my health. I was 25 yrs. old when I took Halcion for 1/2 yr. from my ex-husband which was been prescribed for him and he didn't want them so I took them to relax me. I was tired of not having any energy on these drugs. I went to work one day and came home and took a Ephedrine pill 50 mg which my sister gave me where she purchased them from the States. Within 20 minutes of ingesting this pill I had lost oxygen within my brain region for a matter of seconds "flight and fight" and than I felt like a voltage sensation occurring immediately. I tried multiple medications but none helped to alleviate these symptoms. It was non-stop even in my sleep it interfered. I have attached my letter in full what has happened to me in detail and also put an article on Ephedrine. I have come to this site in hopes that anyone who has had any problems with their Dysautonomic and Autonomic Nervous System like me. I am having problems in the brain region now on a daily basis and I am trying to get any information or knowledge or medical issues proving what has happened to me. Any suggestions or what could have happened to me would be greatly appreciated. I am desperately looking for answers. I am going before a committee for Ohip Coverage to try to get to the Cleveland Ohio Clinic for help but the government here in Ontario don't want to pay for this trip. I am presently on disabitility for my condition and I do not have the funding for this trip. I am getting sicker by the day and I have lost to date 75 lbs. in total within very little time even though I am eating. Doctors up here are throwing me around and passing the bucket and no one is helping me. Any help would be greatly appreciated from me and the children Thanks Anne

There was this girl and she was in love. All she wanted was for her love to stop cutting himself. With the scars up his arms and the fresh blood on his legs he drowned himself in a taste of relief. His dark thoughts, covered with a cheeky grim, were the only ones he knew, the only ones that felt real. He indulged in his dark mind but never shared it with his love. She knew not of how deep the pain was. The search for happiness was something in which he was familiar but when he found it, he didn't like it, it wasn't home. The dark thought in his mind were the closest to reality he could imagine. He dreamed of a pill that would end it all. He sat dreaming that his lover and his mother would be okay without him. That they would understand that he needed peace. But they wouldn't be okay, they would never understand, so he waded through the fecal matter. He did it for them.

I slept last night. I didn't sleep the whole night, and it was a little patchy, but I slept, because I remember dreaming. And the restless legs abated massively.

In some ways this time has been easier than the last few times I've tried - I don't know if it's because I've been blogging it on here, or have done the mental preparation better, or its the kanna I've been chewing which has kept the depression away, or the fact I've kept myself pretty physically fit in the last couple of months, or the experience and knowledge that previous experiences have given me, or maybe it's a combination of it all.

I'm sitting here with the London marathon on the TV and I suddenly want to go for a run. Maybe I will. Get some endorphins going. I haven't run since last Sunday. Fuck it, I'm going to go for a run, a little later.

14:51

Fuck me I did it. I got my running gear on and went out into the sunshine. I set off, and felt utterly weird at first. The last time I ran was last Sunday, a week ago, and that was with the night before's kratom still in my system...

At 2 kilometres I started feeling pain in my hips and back and thought oh shit, I'm getting injured, but figured it may just be a withdrawal thing.. sure enough as I continued and crested a hill and some endorphins fired the pain went away and I settled into a rhythm, enjoying the sun on my face and the sweat in my eyes.

I got to 5k and just had this crazy notion of running 10k, which I haven't run in a year, ever since the injury which started me off on this year's codeine and kratom slide... I started to find this inner determination and thought fuck it, I can fucking DO THIS. I am a tough motherfucker and can take whatever life throws at me without drugs of any kind. I was hurting, but I just carried on pushing through, and it was crazy and surreal at times but I made the 6.2 miles and when I stopped I felt this rush of joy, endorphins and accomplishment I guess.

I've been running while on kratom, but as with sex, kratom seems to have really dulled the performance - I've always had to time my runs so they don't coincide with the first stages of withdrawal symptoms, but that hasn't always been avoidable and has probably hampered the running. I've also hit the kratom as a kind of reward after running and it's always felt like cheating somehow, but today I finished, and although I felt a wistful feeling of a kind, just the endorphins was enough.

I don't hate the kratom, the codeine, the oxy, or anything else I've taken - in a way they helped me get through some shitty times, and took the pain away when I needed it - but of course then a habit forms and like I've said, the time for that habit to stop has come.

Am feeling pretty tired now. But good. And that good feeling is a clean one...


23:36

Coming up to the 3 day mark now. Made chilli with bird's eye chillies - ended up sweating and with an endorphin rush for the second time in a day. Chatted with my girl and felt more spontaneous and "me". Just got to keep going now and avoid those silly "see how easy it is, now I can just treat myself to x, y or z at weekends" thoughts...

Hi, Tammie. I hope you are in some form that's able to see me. i'm writing because maybe, just maybe, you read it or understand it in a nano-second. Just maybe. I don't think 100% that you are even aware. so there's really a slim chance that i'm actually communicating with you. if you do see what's goin on with me, you know I'm having a hard time dealing with it.
If we hit it off, i'd have already asked you if i could move in. i know you wanted me to finish this out, but other family members make it tough.
i'd have loved you like noone else because i am nobody else, just me. Balance, baby. I wish you would have let me try, at least.
honey, if you died of anything other than an overdose, i apologize for assuming that's what happened. i wish i knew. i wish you were alive.why did you die?

Well, time to join life again and start making an attempt at making something of myself.

I've come to the realization that I can pretty much work anywhere as long as I have the gas money and first/last months rent for a place to stay.

I have been applying for corporate gigs in other states (sadly, Colorado is too far of a drive in gas money so that will have to wait).

I figure that I can throw the rest of my stuff into storage, load the car with clothes and necessities and just hit the road towards the next decent paying job that I am interested in and that will hire me.

So far I have applied for work with my old company in Orlando Florida, Jackson Mississippi and Madison Mississippi.

We'll see what happens...

Bet there are people out there that didn't think I would make it to 31. I've been one of them. I did, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Seems old to some; young to others.

As I write, it's my birthday for 20 more minutes. The amount of awesome in this day cannot be measured. The thoughtfulness of my friends and family, and the reminder to strengthen my ties with them, to be responsible, to be steadfast, to act with right intentions...

That is what today has been about, in short.

I have been in a few different locations on my journey home. I felt a sense of relief once I arrived here. I got 2 REALLY unexpected gifts to the tune of WTF.

16 hour days until Monday now.

I appreciate all of you who have reached out to me in tough times. The past year brought a lot of adjustments. 31's been a good year so far and for the first time in forever I feel truly optimistic.

I hope this day lasts forever. The feeling of the awful rain at such an early hour gave way to nothing but sunshine. It was only a flight away.

Happy Birthday, Mariposa. You earned this one, big time.

so I kinda forgot about this thing, it's nice to have an outlet when you need it that doesn't require constant thought

that's all for now. maybe I'll remember this again soon.

so now its time for some random thoughts via bullet points!

• 6 days till i will be enjoying sunny weather in LA
• having houseguests interferes with my napping after work
• i hate the fact that i am really good at my job
• i hate my students' parents more
• old people make me uncontrollably sad
• i've been lazy about cooking this week, i don't think next week will be much better
• i really like the foo fighters new album
• the strangest things captivate my students' attention. instead of my planned science lesson today, i spent a half hour discussing why salt water is bad for you
• i find it funny that people think i am confident person
• i want some ketamine
• i want some vanilla coke zero
• i want a pint of mac and jacks. i suppose i will have that in slightly over a week
• i suck at throwing a kickball
• listening to my neighbors fight is more amusing than tv
• i finally got new books to read.
• i like a pinch of salt in my coffee.

Not sure how to work this, whether to have a separate blog for each day, or just start a new comment for each day to keep everything in one place... hmmm... Will have to see.

Yesterday I had some stressful shit in the morning so ended up using most of the kratom I had left, then met up with my friend and was OKish, and spaced out what I had left. I chatted on MSN with my girl and arranged for her to come and stay in a couple of weeks which gives me something of an incentive, and as we were saying our goodbyes took my last 5g of kratom powder.

I was feeling OK and positive as I went to bed, and did drift of to sleep a little, then woke feeling very restless. It was 2am. My bed felt weird, I had to get up and fix the slats under the mattress, which had come loose, that felt a little better, but I tossed and turned and couldn't find a comfortable position. Had no mental anguish, apart from in response to the restlessness. Had one or two wistful moments of wishing I still had a little kratom to make this go away for a few hours.

Couldn't get comfortable, or go back to sleep, so got up a lot earlier than I usually would. Made some coffee and came on BL. Noticed pain in my knees on walking around, and a tightness in my stomach. And feeling very cold.

Now I'm not trying to relax and sleep, and am occupying my mind a little, it doesn't feel too bad, though I do feel vaguely uneasy and very tired. I know withdrawal can be deceiving though, so will just take it hour by hour. This will probably get a lot worse as my body realises it's not getting any more of its DOC...

8 hrs and 12 minutes

I was feeling positive last night, actually feeling almost ok, if very tired. So tired - the withdrawal, and the lack of sleep the night before. It would have been great to sleep, to get a few hours, to rest and recuperate.

Of course as soon as my head hit the pillow my legs started spasming and I simply could not get comfortable with the throes of RLS. I felt constantly on the edge of the precipice of sleep, I could not keep my eyes open, and yet I could not drop off into even the shallows of sleep because my legs were full of something that just had to move.

I had to keep sitting up on the edge of my bed, then it went away. If I lay down and kept my eyes open, and counted, I was ok. As soon as my eyes shut and my body tried to go sleep, off went the legs again, spasming and kicking. Kicking the habit is such an appropriate phrase at times like that. Being held on the edge of sleep and constantly woken, it's what they do to lab rats to see how fucking crazy they go...

At some point I must have finally got off, the last time I looked at the clock on this night of torture it was 6am, and my alarm went at 8am.

That's about 3 hours sleep out of 60 hours, if you count the waking time before the withdrawal began. Doesn't help. Will try to doze today.

Still, I am 34 hrs and 22 minutes into this. It feels like I've got the motivation right - there's still a part of me that thinks how much easier it would be to abandon this attempt, but it's shrinking I think...

More later %)


14:00 update

38 hours... Managed to get out of the house as I needed to get some more ibuprofen, from a shop about ten minutes walk away. Felt like an odyssey, felt like the usual cushion I have around me wasn't there, but just took it slowly and made it back. Have a headache and feeling tired and have a runny nose and the leg aches. Have been chewing kanna again to keep my mood up, seems to help.

16:05.

Fuck me, 40 hours and counting

That's an hour for every year of my life - seems a significant milestone. :D

Midnight, end of day 2

How did I get here? Two days is up! I really need sleep, I hope I don't have a battle with my legs tonight, who knows...

48 hours. Two days. %)

We begin.

However, we never really ended at all.

So where does the beginning happen?

Haven't we been here all along? Hasn't life existed for all that is called time? And won't it be that way until time ceases to exist?

Can that even happen?

I have 100g of kratom left. Stem & vein powder to be exact. The stuff I get needs filtering, and have collected about 75g of larger bits and scraps that are not drinkable over the last few months, so made a tea out of about half of this last night.

It was obviously weaker than the usual stuff, as my last dose of kratom proper was about 5pm yesterday, and just the tea in between, and this morning I was feeling in withdrawal quite early on - a pervasive anxiety, sense of dread, and emotional troughs that almost had me in tears together with the beginnings of that awful akathisiac restlessness.

Dosed with roughly 8g of stem and vein powder and it's gone away.

How shit it is to be such a slave, when freedom is one of the things I value most.

This morning gave me a picture of what it is going to be like on Friday, and by then I will have used my kratom up. There will be no turning back. At least I won't have too much to do. I will post relentlessly or read on here to eat away the hours, I will try to eat, I will use what other tools I have in my armoury. I find benefits in meditation but in withdrawal I can't sit still for shit so that will have to come later.

I got a phone call this morning, a friend wanted some advice. Shit, I got through it, but it was tough to concentrate. I will have to have a phone off policy for a while, though texts may help, helps to hear from people I care about.

I'm getting scared because a number of things are all coming to a head. I know I have to do this but even so that crappy voice in my head is trying to convince me now is not the best time, I am going to relapse so why bother going through all this shit? It's a total liar that voice, but yet has been right so many times it's so tempting to listen to it...

So yeah, I'm committed to this. But that sense of "no turning back" is proving really scary at the minute

Hi Yaz,

I just found this draft of a PM I was going to send you a while ago. I'm still kind of hesitant because of the amount of controversy that seems to follow Rach around here:

Thanks for the message. Sorry for the length of what follows. I am not feeling well and am having difficulty organizing my thoughts.

Like you, I had a problem with Rach when I first started reading CE&P. He made some comments that seemed way out there and that I didn't know how to interpret. I actually got mad at him a couple of times. I thought he was trolling, arrogant, hateful, etc, things he is still frequently accused of.

And I still don't know how to take some of his remarks -- the remark about disowning an openly gay child, for example. But for now, I'm going with the interpretation that there is more to the story and that I am taking the remark out of context

It's difficult figuring out where anybody is coming from on BL and the internet not to mention real life. I generally try to give the benefit of the doubt, but at the same time, I tend to be gullible. This magnifies the difficulty of seeing where people are coming from.

Back to the CE&P discussions... A couple of years ago, I noticed that you of all people got along very well and were friendly with Rachimim. My first impression was that you had lost your mind, but then the significance of this sunk in. You, a Palestinian, were getting along with a Zionist IDF soldier.

I decided that I was reading him wrong... So I followed your lead to take an alternate and generous view and give him the benefit of the doubt. I began reading about the subjects he was talking about, which took a bit of time. My educational background is in engineering and the sciences, and I've had very little exposure to the humanities. Not only that, but throughout college, I existed in a kind of news vacuum. I just didn't have time to keep up with current events while maintaining a high enough GPA to keep my scholarships.

Eventually, rather than seeing Rach as somebody who was lying and twisting the facts, I came to view him as somebody knowledgeable and passionate (and very opinionated) about several subjects -- especially the Middle East.

Any way, I appreciate your taking the time to warn me. I hope I'm not this mistaken. Overall, I don't think it even matters. Neither of us will ever meet Rach in real life, and it is a waste of time to get mad at him. I try not find hidden meanings in his posts and enjoy reading his blog and some of his threads.

I will definitely check out your posts you mentioned - you're one of the 3 or 4 people on here that I regularly follow.

Thanks,

Robin

Jamshyd said:

Hey Robin,

No need to apologize, you did not do anything to offend. If anything, I should apologize for my harsh tone... when you see my post-quality in P&S dwindling, you can tell my mood had been crappy IRL.

Like I mentioned to you before, the ONLY reason I may argue with you in a Rachamim post is because I get concerned when I see someone as bright as yourself actually defending a Rach when the latter's malicious intent actually includes you its destructiveness. Rach does not hide his VERY low opinion of Americans and of young men. Yet I expect that his (poorly disguised) verbal-acrobatics are very clear to you. With that said, I can't help but suspect that you feel obligated to side with him because you perceive a bias in the forum posters' attitudes that is decidedly anti-israeli.

The truth is that most people are actually only "anti-rachamim." And they are not so just because he's jewish or Israeli. It is because most of them cannot put up with having their intelligence insulted by Rach, who is so intoxicated with his own ego that he imagines he can trick anyone into believing anything. He also seems to think that forum rules don't apply to him because he can trick us into thinking he did no wrong.

Now, I can see how someone who is consumed with hatred (like that australian kid whose name escapes me atm) can side with Rach. But you are not only intelligent, but also kind-hearted. I can only imagine that you come off as siding with rach without intending to, while you're trying to be fair. But I do not mean to judge you - I'm only trying to understand where you're coming from.

But I would implore you to check out some recent posts of mine: for example, I mention the fact that the mid-east was undeniably inhabited by Jews in the times during and before the birth of christ is backed up by archeology (in the S&T forum), or that the hebrew version of Ecclesiastes is a fantastic work (in P&S). What if I tell you that one of my favourite authors (Arthur Koestler) is not only a Jew, but a Zionist? My approach to the whole subject is an Academic one, where I reject the idea that any one side is entirely good or evil. I know that you, too, try to follow this method too. I do not deny that Palestine is the ancestral homeland of the Jews, yet at once I also don't see why this should give anyone a license to ethnically cleanse it today, two millennia after the fact.

Now, I *dare* you to find *anything* by Rach that praises Palestinian or Arab or Islamic culture. In fact, I dare you to find anything by him on these that isn't outright malicious. You won't be able to find such things, because rach only writes for one purpose and one purpose only: to spread hatred for, and ruin the image of, these people.

I need not remind you what happened last time a guy hated an entire people so much, and no one stood up against him until it was too late.

I apologize if I sound like I'm badmouthing someone whom you might consider a friend. Rach even almost managed to win my friendship until he decided that publicly-denigrating me (during the flotilla thing) was far more fun for him. But I never expected any differently from someone who hates gay people as much as he hates Palestinians.

Anyway, I won't give you any more headaches. Just wanted to clarify my position .

Cheers,
Yaz

socko said:

Hi Yaz,

I didn't mean to stir up anything in CE&P with my comments. Sorry.

Robin

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Totally unrelated to drugs. Just stating that.

I hate a TERRIBLE day and I need to vent.

I had my first day of work placement today. I'm in college and I need to do a three week UNPAID work placement (90 hours) to graduate. Anyway, I had to quit my two jobs to do this work placement (ya know - the jobs I need to pay for rent, groceries, tuition, etc.). My work placement went TERRIBLE. I was doing the most boring things. Like stuff I'd do for minimum wage. But I wasn't getting paid - it was all for free!

I had to wear my heels because they are the only dress shoes I have. By about 10 a.m., my feet were in so much pain. So I went over to the store at lunch to get bandaids. But them all over my feet. By the end of the day, I could barely walk.

I made it back to my boyfriend's (my stuff was at his place because I stayed over the night before). I just collapsed on his floor. There were indents and blisters all over my feet . I got to change into my runners though - thankfully!!!

I went back to my place to drop off my stuff - then I had to go to the mall to get new shoes (I was NOT wearing the heels again!). I waited for the bus but it didn't come. Then I realized it was the bus that only ran after 7 pm and it was 6:45! Rats! So I was like, I can almost make the one on the corner, so I hurried that way and watched it turn the corner and leave.

That really sucked, after everything else that happened. So I got the next bus that came a half an hour later. I made it to the mall with no problems, besides my eyes being all red and swollen from the crying.

I made it to the store. I found a pair of shoes that would work. They were even on sale! I went up to buy them, went to pay - oh, wallet wasn't there! I just broke down (again) in the store. The girls there were soo nice and just put them on hold for me. I said I'd go home and get my wallet and be right back. On my way home, I realized that I couldn't actually get back before the store closed, due to the fact that I have to take the bus and the bus didn't run that much.

So far, that is all that has happened to me. I'm crossing my fingers that nothing else happens, although I'm going to bed in like twenty minutes

Sometimes bad days are inevitable. It is really hard to be the loving, happy, cheerful, optimistic person that I am when things like this happen. I guess that's the challenge.

Or was it eel shark?? idk. Look that shit up its crazy!!

Hey all,

During the blue hour (the hour where the sun has just set and the birds communicate, and all the night active animals - which are a vast amount of species - begin their night prowl. I've been in so many social(w/ or w/out intoxication) settings, and so seen so many animals in this hour far out in the bush from far south to further north, all relative to the time of year, it usually lasts for an hour and a half after sundown, when the sky is bluish, hence the blue hour.

I had been a heroin addict, only sniffing before going into ORT with Subutex/Temgesic, and am supposedly stabilized at 1 mg. But I had a slipper here recently...

...I've been really cautions about IV'ing the filtered tablets with rapidly improving results, but I had to feel the rush from heroin, before going all out (coming clean about mid-May)...

...long story short, It's supposed to be a one timer, and involved a hell of a lot of mishaps, but finally today, I made it, I got a successful rush IV'ing heroin #3...

...I hope to remember this shot in the blue hour as my last with heroin...

...right before it during sundown, I went and started tapping a birch tree, with great results... can't wait to see the yield tomorrow...

...you're being watched 24/7? Well you're the lucky one that's probably not! I live my life day in and day out with people watching me. My ex's to be exact. I swear they dedicate their life to finding every little last detail to use against me. Today I got a text message from my girlfriend bitching me out about all my posts that I have posted here. We'll guess who had told her! Simon... ohh dear Simon, What a fucked up man he is. Maybe some day he will find this post and come to me personally so I can give him the real piece of my mind. I just can not wait for the day that he grows some balls and decides to keep his mind out of it. Only a real man know's when their opinion is not wanted/needed. What the hell makes someone want to break up a couple when It's been over 2.5 years since I've been with that prick? You know if you wanted to keep a girl so bad you wouldn't waste your time fucking other girls when you could be spending time with your CURRENT girlfriend. But I'm glad he fucked me over! At least I'm in a better place relationship wise. And guess what Simon I'm in love unlike I was with you. I only accepted your ring so I didn't have to make an awkward situation by saying no! Fuck you Simon and all the time I ever wasted being with you and talking to you! Also let me add that telling my girlfriend that I posted "he was a great lover until his mom walked in" was a stupid idea. You should have seen all the shit I talked about you after we would have sex. You were too small to please any woman kid. I never had a real orgasm with you... maybe I should be an actress some day huh?

Ok there is too much input for me at the moment and I can't handle it. I have to go to an event this weekend and I am completely raw ATM so hope that I can act my way out of this while staying true to myself.

I am constantly crying, fearful, resentful and full of self pity. I hate this.

also I am tired of feeling I am being fucked over and having to swallow my Anger.

I am the type of person who hates/fears/dreads opening the mailbox, and seeing what long forgotten bills and what not have come up... but I have had 2.5 weeks where the mailbox has just been empty, except for one letter that came, and no worries, it was a positive letter! Must be a record, those 2.5 weeks with no Babylon Bullshit.... For the time being I can smoke my spliffs in peace

Let fucking bureaucracy and bills be forsaken already!
Share and care...
1

Wade Davis seems like a really interesting guy but over the past few days I have been reviewing dozens of taped speeches he has given within the last few years and I can't help wondering if he is even human. I admire the man's work, he was basically the reason why I ended up switching majors from Botany to Ethno-Botany but damn, he is so weird! Now, if you catch 1 or 2 of his spiels he seems like an incredibly down to earth guy, extremely articulate, learned, a man of the world. But then you pay attention to the substance of what he is saying and it hits you, he is incapable of original thought, of emotional interaction.

He now pimps himself as a Public Speaker, which I honestly admire EXCEPT that he offers nothing original, always the same talk.

He loves talking about 6 or 7 things, always the same things, and does this even on a 1 to 1 basis, as I have had a couple of chances to talk to him at length at various academic functions in New York and Washington DC.

One of his favourite stories, and one that always gets a great response is his tale of the "Shit Knife." He tells how an Inuit (Eskimo) friend of his had told him a story that he had always felt was apocryphal...

Canada in the 1950s felt that it had to "civilise" the Inuit, many of whom were still semi-nomadic and living entirely off of the land. To do this they felt that they would have to first end their nomadism and so they built these dreary clapboard settlements and outlawed travelling without a permit. Understandably many were les than co-operative. A particular elderly man, the grandfather of Wade's Inuit friend, kept taking off onto the ice. To stop this his children removed all his possessions except a single set of clothes, thinking that this would keep him "legal."

1 night the old man couldn't bear it any more so he snuck outside. Pulling down his caribou skin pants he shit in his hand. Being the Arctic it soon began to freeze. As it congealed he formed it crudely into the shape of a knife and then coughed up a big hunk of phlegm which he then allowed to freeze as well. Soon both substances had frozen and he began sharpening the phlegm blade on a rock outside the clapboard shack so generously provided by the Canadian Govt.

Before too long the elderly man had a workable implement. He walked over to a lame husky and slit its throat. Skinning it, he took some of its rib and leg bones, laid them lengthwise in 2 rows atop the dog skin, sliced the skin in between the 2 rows and formed crude runners for a rudimentary sled. Using the other husky bones he quickly built a very simple sled which he then hitched to one of his sons' dog teams and hauled ass into the night, shitknife stuck into his belt.

Naturally Wade thought that while it was an incredibly entertaining story, that the vignette was little more than a tall tale. Then, a couple of years ago the "Rasmussen Diaries" become somewhat popular in academic circles. Knud Rasmussen was a Norwegian who did Anthropological Fieldwork in the Canadian Arctic in the Teens and 1920s. His journals are fascinating and if you dig that kind of shit (no pun intended, OK, maybe just a wee bit), there is a great arthouse film that was made about the journals in 2006. It is especially interesting because he did most of his work in 1922 and was able to see the Inuit being subsumed by Christianity (it makes me want to smack a missionary).

Wade was reading a volume of Rasmussen and he came to a portion where the man was out in the tundra during a freak blizzard. To save himself he built a snow cave, lied down on his back and dangerously drifted off to sleep. Waking some hours later, storm over, he found his cave had become frozen solid. Desperate to escape he tried making a shitknife but couldn't get enough room to move his arms! So, probably a true story about the old Inuit. If so I really hope he lived out his days doing what he liked to do best.

The man who told Wade the story accompanied him on a National Geographic funded project to document similarities and differences amongst different groups of Inuit. They were taking a plane from the Canadian Arctic over to Northern Greenland and Wade said that when they were a couple of hundred kilometers away from coast of Greenland the Inuit began crying. At first Wade couldn't figure out what it was but then, looking down he realised that it was all open water.

Normally there is an ice shelf from September to July, 10 months out of the year. On the approach to Greenland the Inuit, who has family amongst the communities on Greenland and thus hunts that region as well, was shocked. To him it was as if his world had ended, or was close to it.

Of course Wade's point is that Global Warming is doing this, blah, blah and more blah. I don't buy into it. I think that people look at natural variations and assume the worst, much as Western Europeans did during Europe's Mini Ice Age just a few hundred years ago. People naturally look to quantify anything unusual but I don't think there's anything proving that the Greenhouse Effect is actually taking place.

On a different note, I have been checking out the work of the American composer Eric Whitacre. He does Classical Chorale pieces. If you are familiar with Gregorian Chant you can get a rough idea of what his work sounds like. The guy is a genius. He has this thing on Youtube, he calls it the "Virtual Choir." He makes a video where he explains a composition in depth, then conducts all parts, Soprano, Tenor, Counter Tenor and so on. Then people ay home sing a part, upload their video and he collates many hundreds into a harmonious chorus. It is fucking amazing to hear. It sounds really boring, I know but IF you go to Youtube and check out the video for "Lex Nocturnum," the Virtual Choir version you will probably be amazed.

So it got me thinking...Here is something is absolutely and stunningly beautiful. Had it not been for the internet it could not have been created. People singing in their homes, a lady in the Alaskan bush, a teenaged boy in Sudan, and so on. It really is a peek into the potential of this medium.

Finally, I spoke of the missing American here on Mindanao? The police saying he was a deadbeat who ducked out on his bill? I was right, he was kidnapped. Luckily he was released this afternoon after a ranson was paid. He arrived here in December hoping to find treasure (I will discuss Treasure Hunting in my next entry) but ended up kidnapped by his new "friends." It never ceases to amaze me how Westerners will come here just to be adventurous, not realising that unless you are tied into the power structure here you stand a good chance of being confined to a small bamboo cage for months on end, and lucky not to be decapitated.

Sorry you ended up with shit guardians who didn't understand the cost and responsibility involved with having you.

Dude, you made my day when I was down by just seeing you on the random.

It made me feel good that you recognized the sound of my car (its nice to be valued, man)

You gave me a type of smug pride knowing that everyone was afraid of you and you didn't like anyone. You would go bat shit when you saw me, though! You were so generous with the doggie hugs (ya nut!)

I wish I could do something in return for those mood lifts you gave me but, I can't. If I had the money we would kick the shit out of that tumor.

Its changed you. You are too aggressive from the pain. I value you though. I see you still.

I will be there when its time to go. I sense it will be only you and I, my friend. If it spares them pain and they ask, I'll walk with you and we can enjoy the park before we go to that cold impersonal place.

I don't know how its going to play out but I thank you.

Don't worry, Shaman will show you around. He's got you covered.

Thank you for making me feel valued.

I started a relationship with a woman I met on the internet. At first it was just chat, you know, didn't seem to mean much, then there was this growing connection with someone who lived 300 miles away, at the other end of the country. It went from internet chat, to texting, to phone calls.

Amazingly, we met a few weeks ago, and we clicked as much in real life as we did online.

And then the complications began, as we both have significant commitments where we live. So now we know we have this great connection, but have huge practicalities to get over if we actually want to have any kind of relationship...

Actually, meeting her played a huge part in my decision to quit the kratom. She knows about my past with drugs and drink, accepts it, but I just haven't had the wherewithal to tell her I've got this kratom addiction. Her ex was an addict and she despises him for it... It just doesn't seem to be a real part of me, it doesn't belong, and I am therefore getting rid of it...

However, she wants to meet again, and soon, she is talking about coming here to stay over, and I know I've got to get myself off the kratom and get my head together before I can start even thinking about that. I feel like I'm only going to get this shot at quitting the shit and then the window is going to close - the commitments are piled high for the next few months, I have a couple of weeks to get clean.

It feels hard putting her off, but I've got to do it - I've got to get back to being the me I am without the kratom. It's more or less the same me, but I need to adjust psychologically, and for that I need all other pressures off, just for a little while.

Of course I hate the thought of her coming to stay, and my having to dose secretly, just to stop going into withdrawal. Really hate it. But if I don't quit now, that is what will happen - so hopefully it will give me added motivation to quit, and hopefully I can make the transition and then start giving her the real me that she deserves.