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Hi Yaz,

I just found this draft of a PM I was going to send you a while ago. I'm still kind of hesitant because of the amount of controversy that seems to follow Rach around here:

Thanks for the message. Sorry for the length of what follows. I am not feeling well and am having difficulty organizing my thoughts.

Like you, I had a problem with Rach when I first started reading CE&P. He made some comments that seemed way out there and that I didn't know how to interpret. I actually got mad at him a couple of times. I thought he was trolling, arrogant, hateful, etc, things he is still frequently accused of.

And I still don't know how to take some of his remarks -- the remark about disowning an openly gay child, for example. But for now, I'm going with the interpretation that there is more to the story and that I am taking the remark out of context

It's difficult figuring out where anybody is coming from on BL and the internet not to mention real life. I generally try to give the benefit of the doubt, but at the same time, I tend to be gullible. This magnifies the difficulty of seeing where people are coming from.

Back to the CE&P discussions... A couple of years ago, I noticed that you of all people got along very well and were friendly with Rachimim. My first impression was that you had lost your mind, but then the significance of this sunk in. You, a Palestinian, were getting along with a Zionist IDF soldier.

I decided that I was reading him wrong... So I followed your lead to take an alternate and generous view and give him the benefit of the doubt. I began reading about the subjects he was talking about, which took a bit of time. My educational background is in engineering and the sciences, and I've had very little exposure to the humanities. Not only that, but throughout college, I existed in a kind of news vacuum. I just didn't have time to keep up with current events while maintaining a high enough GPA to keep my scholarships.

Eventually, rather than seeing Rach as somebody who was lying and twisting the facts, I came to view him as somebody knowledgeable and passionate (and very opinionated) about several subjects -- especially the Middle East.

Any way, I appreciate your taking the time to warn me. I hope I'm not this mistaken. Overall, I don't think it even matters. Neither of us will ever meet Rach in real life, and it is a waste of time to get mad at him. I try not find hidden meanings in his posts and enjoy reading his blog and some of his threads.

I will definitely check out your posts you mentioned - you're one of the 3 or 4 people on here that I regularly follow.

Thanks,

Robin

Jamshyd said:

Hey Robin,

No need to apologize, you did not do anything to offend. If anything, I should apologize for my harsh tone... when you see my post-quality in P&S dwindling, you can tell my mood had been crappy IRL.

Like I mentioned to you before, the ONLY reason I may argue with you in a Rachamim post is because I get concerned when I see someone as bright as yourself actually defending a Rach when the latter's malicious intent actually includes you its destructiveness. Rach does not hide his VERY low opinion of Americans and of young men. Yet I expect that his (poorly disguised) verbal-acrobatics are very clear to you. With that said, I can't help but suspect that you feel obligated to side with him because you perceive a bias in the forum posters' attitudes that is decidedly anti-israeli.

The truth is that most people are actually only "anti-rachamim." And they are not so just because he's jewish or Israeli. It is because most of them cannot put up with having their intelligence insulted by Rach, who is so intoxicated with his own ego that he imagines he can trick anyone into believing anything. He also seems to think that forum rules don't apply to him because he can trick us into thinking he did no wrong.

Now, I can see how someone who is consumed with hatred (like that australian kid whose name escapes me atm) can side with Rach. But you are not only intelligent, but also kind-hearted. I can only imagine that you come off as siding with rach without intending to, while you're trying to be fair. But I do not mean to judge you - I'm only trying to understand where you're coming from.

But I would implore you to check out some recent posts of mine: for example, I mention the fact that the mid-east was undeniably inhabited by Jews in the times during and before the birth of christ is backed up by archeology (in the S&T forum), or that the hebrew version of Ecclesiastes is a fantastic work (in P&S). What if I tell you that one of my favourite authors (Arthur Koestler) is not only a Jew, but a Zionist? My approach to the whole subject is an Academic one, where I reject the idea that any one side is entirely good or evil. I know that you, too, try to follow this method too. I do not deny that Palestine is the ancestral homeland of the Jews, yet at once I also don't see why this should give anyone a license to ethnically cleanse it today, two millennia after the fact.

Now, I *dare* you to find *anything* by Rach that praises Palestinian or Arab or Islamic culture. In fact, I dare you to find anything by him on these that isn't outright malicious. You won't be able to find such things, because rach only writes for one purpose and one purpose only: to spread hatred for, and ruin the image of, these people.

I need not remind you what happened last time a guy hated an entire people so much, and no one stood up against him until it was too late.

I apologize if I sound like I'm badmouthing someone whom you might consider a friend. Rach even almost managed to win my friendship until he decided that publicly-denigrating me (during the flotilla thing) was far more fun for him. But I never expected any differently from someone who hates gay people as much as he hates Palestinians.

Anyway, I won't give you any more headaches. Just wanted to clarify my position .

Cheers,
Yaz

socko said:

Hi Yaz,

I didn't mean to stir up anything in CE&P with my comments. Sorry.

Robin

Click to expand...

Click to expand...

Totally unrelated to drugs. Just stating that.

I hate a TERRIBLE day and I need to vent.

I had my first day of work placement today. I'm in college and I need to do a three week UNPAID work placement (90 hours) to graduate. Anyway, I had to quit my two jobs to do this work placement (ya know - the jobs I need to pay for rent, groceries, tuition, etc.). My work placement went TERRIBLE. I was doing the most boring things. Like stuff I'd do for minimum wage. But I wasn't getting paid - it was all for free!

I had to wear my heels because they are the only dress shoes I have. By about 10 a.m., my feet were in so much pain. So I went over to the store at lunch to get bandaids. But them all over my feet. By the end of the day, I could barely walk.

I made it back to my boyfriend's (my stuff was at his place because I stayed over the night before). I just collapsed on his floor. There were indents and blisters all over my feet . I got to change into my runners though - thankfully!!!

I went back to my place to drop off my stuff - then I had to go to the mall to get new shoes (I was NOT wearing the heels again!). I waited for the bus but it didn't come. Then I realized it was the bus that only ran after 7 pm and it was 6:45! Rats! So I was like, I can almost make the one on the corner, so I hurried that way and watched it turn the corner and leave.

That really sucked, after everything else that happened. So I got the next bus that came a half an hour later. I made it to the mall with no problems, besides my eyes being all red and swollen from the crying.

I made it to the store. I found a pair of shoes that would work. They were even on sale! I went up to buy them, went to pay - oh, wallet wasn't there! I just broke down (again) in the store. The girls there were soo nice and just put them on hold for me. I said I'd go home and get my wallet and be right back. On my way home, I realized that I couldn't actually get back before the store closed, due to the fact that I have to take the bus and the bus didn't run that much.

So far, that is all that has happened to me. I'm crossing my fingers that nothing else happens, although I'm going to bed in like twenty minutes

Sometimes bad days are inevitable. It is really hard to be the loving, happy, cheerful, optimistic person that I am when things like this happen. I guess that's the challenge.

Or was it eel shark?? idk. Look that shit up its crazy!!

Hey all,

During the blue hour (the hour where the sun has just set and the birds communicate, and all the night active animals - which are a vast amount of species - begin their night prowl. I've been in so many social(w/ or w/out intoxication) settings, and so seen so many animals in this hour far out in the bush from far south to further north, all relative to the time of year, it usually lasts for an hour and a half after sundown, when the sky is bluish, hence the blue hour.

I had been a heroin addict, only sniffing before going into ORT with Subutex/Temgesic, and am supposedly stabilized at 1 mg. But I had a slipper here recently...

...I've been really cautions about IV'ing the filtered tablets with rapidly improving results, but I had to feel the rush from heroin, before going all out (coming clean about mid-May)...

...long story short, It's supposed to be a one timer, and involved a hell of a lot of mishaps, but finally today, I made it, I got a successful rush IV'ing heroin #3...

...I hope to remember this shot in the blue hour as my last with heroin...

...right before it during sundown, I went and started tapping a birch tree, with great results... can't wait to see the yield tomorrow...

...you're being watched 24/7? Well you're the lucky one that's probably not! I live my life day in and day out with people watching me. My ex's to be exact. I swear they dedicate their life to finding every little last detail to use against me. Today I got a text message from my girlfriend bitching me out about all my posts that I have posted here. We'll guess who had told her! Simon... ohh dear Simon, What a fucked up man he is. Maybe some day he will find this post and come to me personally so I can give him the real piece of my mind. I just can not wait for the day that he grows some balls and decides to keep his mind out of it. Only a real man know's when their opinion is not wanted/needed. What the hell makes someone want to break up a couple when It's been over 2.5 years since I've been with that prick? You know if you wanted to keep a girl so bad you wouldn't waste your time fucking other girls when you could be spending time with your CURRENT girlfriend. But I'm glad he fucked me over! At least I'm in a better place relationship wise. And guess what Simon I'm in love unlike I was with you. I only accepted your ring so I didn't have to make an awkward situation by saying no! Fuck you Simon and all the time I ever wasted being with you and talking to you! Also let me add that telling my girlfriend that I posted "he was a great lover until his mom walked in" was a stupid idea. You should have seen all the shit I talked about you after we would have sex. You were too small to please any woman kid. I never had a real orgasm with you... maybe I should be an actress some day huh?

Ok there is too much input for me at the moment and I can't handle it. I have to go to an event this weekend and I am completely raw ATM so hope that I can act my way out of this while staying true to myself.

I am constantly crying, fearful, resentful and full of self pity. I hate this.

also I am tired of feeling I am being fucked over and having to swallow my Anger.

I am the type of person who hates/fears/dreads opening the mailbox, and seeing what long forgotten bills and what not have come up... but I have had 2.5 weeks where the mailbox has just been empty, except for one letter that came, and no worries, it was a positive letter! Must be a record, those 2.5 weeks with no Babylon Bullshit.... For the time being I can smoke my spliffs in peace

Let fucking bureaucracy and bills be forsaken already!
Share and care...
1

Wade Davis seems like a really interesting guy but over the past few days I have been reviewing dozens of taped speeches he has given within the last few years and I can't help wondering if he is even human. I admire the man's work, he was basically the reason why I ended up switching majors from Botany to Ethno-Botany but damn, he is so weird! Now, if you catch 1 or 2 of his spiels he seems like an incredibly down to earth guy, extremely articulate, learned, a man of the world. But then you pay attention to the substance of what he is saying and it hits you, he is incapable of original thought, of emotional interaction.

He now pimps himself as a Public Speaker, which I honestly admire EXCEPT that he offers nothing original, always the same talk.

He loves talking about 6 or 7 things, always the same things, and does this even on a 1 to 1 basis, as I have had a couple of chances to talk to him at length at various academic functions in New York and Washington DC.

One of his favourite stories, and one that always gets a great response is his tale of the "Shit Knife." He tells how an Inuit (Eskimo) friend of his had told him a story that he had always felt was apocryphal...

Canada in the 1950s felt that it had to "civilise" the Inuit, many of whom were still semi-nomadic and living entirely off of the land. To do this they felt that they would have to first end their nomadism and so they built these dreary clapboard settlements and outlawed travelling without a permit. Understandably many were les than co-operative. A particular elderly man, the grandfather of Wade's Inuit friend, kept taking off onto the ice. To stop this his children removed all his possessions except a single set of clothes, thinking that this would keep him "legal."

1 night the old man couldn't bear it any more so he snuck outside. Pulling down his caribou skin pants he shit in his hand. Being the Arctic it soon began to freeze. As it congealed he formed it crudely into the shape of a knife and then coughed up a big hunk of phlegm which he then allowed to freeze as well. Soon both substances had frozen and he began sharpening the phlegm blade on a rock outside the clapboard shack so generously provided by the Canadian Govt.

Before too long the elderly man had a workable implement. He walked over to a lame husky and slit its throat. Skinning it, he took some of its rib and leg bones, laid them lengthwise in 2 rows atop the dog skin, sliced the skin in between the 2 rows and formed crude runners for a rudimentary sled. Using the other husky bones he quickly built a very simple sled which he then hitched to one of his sons' dog teams and hauled ass into the night, shitknife stuck into his belt.

Naturally Wade thought that while it was an incredibly entertaining story, that the vignette was little more than a tall tale. Then, a couple of years ago the "Rasmussen Diaries" become somewhat popular in academic circles. Knud Rasmussen was a Norwegian who did Anthropological Fieldwork in the Canadian Arctic in the Teens and 1920s. His journals are fascinating and if you dig that kind of shit (no pun intended, OK, maybe just a wee bit), there is a great arthouse film that was made about the journals in 2006. It is especially interesting because he did most of his work in 1922 and was able to see the Inuit being subsumed by Christianity (it makes me want to smack a missionary).

Wade was reading a volume of Rasmussen and he came to a portion where the man was out in the tundra during a freak blizzard. To save himself he built a snow cave, lied down on his back and dangerously drifted off to sleep. Waking some hours later, storm over, he found his cave had become frozen solid. Desperate to escape he tried making a shitknife but couldn't get enough room to move his arms! So, probably a true story about the old Inuit. If so I really hope he lived out his days doing what he liked to do best.

The man who told Wade the story accompanied him on a National Geographic funded project to document similarities and differences amongst different groups of Inuit. They were taking a plane from the Canadian Arctic over to Northern Greenland and Wade said that when they were a couple of hundred kilometers away from coast of Greenland the Inuit began crying. At first Wade couldn't figure out what it was but then, looking down he realised that it was all open water.

Normally there is an ice shelf from September to July, 10 months out of the year. On the approach to Greenland the Inuit, who has family amongst the communities on Greenland and thus hunts that region as well, was shocked. To him it was as if his world had ended, or was close to it.

Of course Wade's point is that Global Warming is doing this, blah, blah and more blah. I don't buy into it. I think that people look at natural variations and assume the worst, much as Western Europeans did during Europe's Mini Ice Age just a few hundred years ago. People naturally look to quantify anything unusual but I don't think there's anything proving that the Greenhouse Effect is actually taking place.

On a different note, I have been checking out the work of the American composer Eric Whitacre. He does Classical Chorale pieces. If you are familiar with Gregorian Chant you can get a rough idea of what his work sounds like. The guy is a genius. He has this thing on Youtube, he calls it the "Virtual Choir." He makes a video where he explains a composition in depth, then conducts all parts, Soprano, Tenor, Counter Tenor and so on. Then people ay home sing a part, upload their video and he collates many hundreds into a harmonious chorus. It is fucking amazing to hear. It sounds really boring, I know but IF you go to Youtube and check out the video for "Lex Nocturnum," the Virtual Choir version you will probably be amazed.

So it got me thinking...Here is something is absolutely and stunningly beautiful. Had it not been for the internet it could not have been created. People singing in their homes, a lady in the Alaskan bush, a teenaged boy in Sudan, and so on. It really is a peek into the potential of this medium.

Finally, I spoke of the missing American here on Mindanao? The police saying he was a deadbeat who ducked out on his bill? I was right, he was kidnapped. Luckily he was released this afternoon after a ranson was paid. He arrived here in December hoping to find treasure (I will discuss Treasure Hunting in my next entry) but ended up kidnapped by his new "friends." It never ceases to amaze me how Westerners will come here just to be adventurous, not realising that unless you are tied into the power structure here you stand a good chance of being confined to a small bamboo cage for months on end, and lucky not to be decapitated.

Sorry you ended up with shit guardians who didn't understand the cost and responsibility involved with having you.

Dude, you made my day when I was down by just seeing you on the random.

It made me feel good that you recognized the sound of my car (its nice to be valued, man)

You gave me a type of smug pride knowing that everyone was afraid of you and you didn't like anyone. You would go bat shit when you saw me, though! You were so generous with the doggie hugs (ya nut!)

I wish I could do something in return for those mood lifts you gave me but, I can't. If I had the money we would kick the shit out of that tumor.

Its changed you. You are too aggressive from the pain. I value you though. I see you still.

I will be there when its time to go. I sense it will be only you and I, my friend. If it spares them pain and they ask, I'll walk with you and we can enjoy the park before we go to that cold impersonal place.

I don't know how its going to play out but I thank you.

Don't worry, Shaman will show you around. He's got you covered.

Thank you for making me feel valued.

I started a relationship with a woman I met on the internet. At first it was just chat, you know, didn't seem to mean much, then there was this growing connection with someone who lived 300 miles away, at the other end of the country. It went from internet chat, to texting, to phone calls.

Amazingly, we met a few weeks ago, and we clicked as much in real life as we did online.

And then the complications began, as we both have significant commitments where we live. So now we know we have this great connection, but have huge practicalities to get over if we actually want to have any kind of relationship...

Actually, meeting her played a huge part in my decision to quit the kratom. She knows about my past with drugs and drink, accepts it, but I just haven't had the wherewithal to tell her I've got this kratom addiction. Her ex was an addict and she despises him for it... It just doesn't seem to be a real part of me, it doesn't belong, and I am therefore getting rid of it...

However, she wants to meet again, and soon, she is talking about coming here to stay over, and I know I've got to get myself off the kratom and get my head together before I can start even thinking about that. I feel like I'm only going to get this shot at quitting the shit and then the window is going to close - the commitments are piled high for the next few months, I have a couple of weeks to get clean.

It feels hard putting her off, but I've got to do it - I've got to get back to being the me I am without the kratom. It's more or less the same me, but I need to adjust psychologically, and for that I need all other pressures off, just for a little while.

Of course I hate the thought of her coming to stay, and my having to dose secretly, just to stop going into withdrawal. Really hate it. But if I don't quit now, that is what will happen - so hopefully it will give me added motivation to quit, and hopefully I can make the transition and then start giving her the real me that she deserves.

For when I may not be feeling so positive.

I have just been for a run in the sun, I feel good, like I said in my last post, I don't need anything to feel good. Not these days, just good clean excercise, good friends, the other good things.

Have not used any kratom today. I know I will, because it's there, and because within the next few hours my body will start trying to jump out of its own skin, and I have a busy early part of the week to get through where I need to be able to sit still, etc.

But I am kind of looking forward to running out of the shit, and seeing what happens. I will leave this little time capsule for myself to look back on, if I should ever start to think that I need kratom to feel good.

As I prepare to get off kratom later next week, I thought, while still using it, I would blog my reasons why I don't need it any more - which may be useful to look back on when that negative voice in my head starts trying to tempt me on to the wrong path... as it is likely to do. Maybe this will also be useful for others, who knows...

Ok, this time round the shit I need to get off is kratom, and that's going to be tough, simply because of the amounts I've been taking, and the way I've used it to "supplement" every aspect of my life, using it as a stimulant to work on projects, a stress reliever, and an aid to relaxation. In some ways, I've been using it like some people use cigarettes - it's just turned into a habit and I feel bad if I don't top up my bloodstream with the stuff at regular intervals.

Yes, they all say you shouldn't use kratom daily, never mind all day daily, but when I started smoking at 15 I wasn't planning on having a 40 a day habit for the next 20 years either...

The point is, neither smoking in the past, or kratom now, are things that I really need. When I gave up smoking, I was quite able to function, and after a few months never really gave it much thought any more. Where once I couldn't pause to think of the next sentence without lighting up a cigarette, I actually became more productive without them, not to say a lot healthier. But I think at some point I replaced the cigarettes with kratom.

My relationship with drugs hasn't always been based on simple chemical addiction. Back when I was a teenager, I had a lot of emotional pain, and realised alcohol was a good way of blocking it out (or at least I thought it was) - hence began 20 or so years of attempted self destruction with alcohol. I wasn't having fun on alcohol, I was drinking alone, I was drinking insane amounts - but basically I was self medicating. As I got into my mid 30's I began to feel happier in myself, and to grow as a person, and the need for alcohol began to disappear. Sure, I was using kratom by that point, but it was more to relax, rather than find oblivion. It really helped with my anxiety.

So, in effect, I had replaced drinking and smoking, with a simple herb, kratom, and all was well for a while. And then I noticed that daily use of kratom was not really having the best effect on my sexual function, and so decided to quit, and there was an experience that was the worst thing I had experienced. Quitting smoking hadn't seen me walking the streets at 4am in the dark because my goddamn legs were in danger of kicking holes in my mattress...

And so I replaced kratom with exercise, just some weights, and hill walking, and all was well for a while until some personal tragedies struck, and the oblivion seeker in me was re-awoken, and in fact all my demons were stirred up into a frenzy, which led not only to drinking again, but also to the acquaintance of a new friend, Oxycodone, which I decided was better than alcohol, because I could still mostly function and mostly didn't have to puke my guts up the next day.

Eventually I had to pay the piper, and get clean again, and I did therapy, and I put a lot of my demons to rest. I would recommend therapy of some kind to anyone, it's worth a try - find out what those demons are and exorcise the fuckers. What it did for me was lead me to a better, calmer way of life, one which I wanted to embrace, rather than blot out, one which I was in love with, one where I could accept what had happened, and live with my doubts and uncertainties, and accept MYSELF, and where exercise (hard running) was my healthy way of relaxing and feeling physically good (not to mention sex is always better, for me, when clean).

So why, some way into this new life, mostly happy, confident, and with a new career ahead of me, new relationships working out better than ever before, and having met the real friends I had always looked for in life, did I end up at this stage, of having to do another kratom detox?

The simple, cliched answer is, because I could. The person free of any emotional pain is rare, but I was approaching it - but when life threw excruciating PHYSICAL pain at me in the form of a trapped nerve, it was just the excuse my inner monkey needed to climb right back up on to my back... I thought I would be Ok, just use to get through the pain, and then I would stop. And that nearly worked, until I then got another injury which stopped my running too - and suddenly I had a huge gap in my life, and thought, well, I will keep using the stuff for now... And suddenly here I am, use out of control, needing to dose, and dose, and dose to feel normal, spending ludicrous amounts of money that could be better spent elswhere, and oh my sex life has dwindled away again due to all this...

And all because kratom became a habit again. I unwittingly convinced my body (and mind) that it actually needs this stuff to function, that nothing can be done without my little bottle of kratom and water, that no kratom means incredible suffering. And yet all that is, is a habit, and I just need to give my body and mind a little time to adjust to being without it. I even know from my past experiences that yes, once I am through the worst, I will be able to feel great again, but it is hard to feel certain of that when I am yawning, my eyes are streaming, I can neither sleep not stay awake and my legs want to kick holes in walls. I think it gets worse each time, like my body is remembering all previous opiate and kratom withdrawals and compounding them...

I've got through withdrawals before, the reason I am blogging this is thinking forward and examining why I've relapsed over the last year, whenever I have managed to get through a withdrawal. Part of it has been pressure - I've never felt I quite got over the hill far enough, before some stressful event or important project came up, and suddenly it was all to easy to hit the order button (just a bag to get me through this deadline...). Part of it was the often crippling depression phase just after withdrawal, the lack of motivation, the anhedonia - again, when I had things to do (I can't get through my deadline/meeting/date without a little...). In a way, my high self esteem works against me, the voice in my head tells me I really, really deserve to feel good again, and there's a lying voice that says it will be no sweat, this time I can just use in evenings and at weekends, I can be responsible this time. Yeah right.

The fact is, I no longer have the deep seated anxieties and emotional pain I had that caused me to drink excessively. Nor do I have the deep seated pain and problems that caused me to seek oblivion in opiates. Yeah I still have problems, fears, like anyone - but I am older and wiser now and know it is better to face up to these and deal with them in healthier ways and they do not need to be blotted out.

I am where I am with kratom because it became a habit. It is not filling any gap or helping me do anything. All it is doing is fuelling my need for it in a vicious cycle. It's like when I started smoking when I was 15, I thought, why not, and ended up with a 40 a day habit. Once I could see through how stupid that was, I was prepared to endure the pain of quitting, which was nothing to the freedom I gained.

It would, not to put too fine a point on it, be fucking stupid to go out and buy a packet of cigarettes and start smoking after being free of that crap for five years.

Just as it would be fucking stupid, after this withdrawal attempt, to ever order any kratom again, or touch any OTC or otherwise opiates.

I am a happy, chilled person with good things happening in my life. Kratom is an anomaly, it doesn't belong, shouldn't be there. I don't need kratom, or any other substance, to feel happy or relax these days. In fact it stops me relaxing, especially if I start to run out, when it makes me feel panicked. It has also been spoiling one of life's great pleasures - sex; kratom does affect my sexual function very negatively, I will write a separate entry about that in due course.

No, the major stress in my life is being caused, at this moment, by being handcuffed to a habit, and the habit needs to be stopped. For good. I don't need kratom anymore. In fact, I never needed it in the first place.

I had a strange weekend. I don't know who else to tell. All of my "drug" friends were there. And I can't tell my regular friends. 95% of them don't know about the drug / partying scene ... and the other 5% would freak out on me if they knew what happened last weekend (or if they knew everything that I did!).

I went to a club/rave with some friends (including my boyfriend). I had one m when I first got there (about 6:00 a.m.). I redosed at 10:00. Then I took a third at 1:00. None of them hit me too hard which was okay because I did not want to go overboard this weekend (I had done a bit too much before so I wanted to try and do less). I wanted to do a cap of g just after 1 because I love m and g together. My bf went to get some for me and brought me back a cup. I poured some water in to mask the taste and then drank it. The taste was sooo gross, I figured it was strong or something. My bf came back, found out it was gone, and got really worried. Turns out there were 3 caps in there instead of juts 1.

Fuck?!?

I've never g-ed out before but I knew it was going to come with 3 caps.

I felt sooo good right before I g-ed out though. Like everything was perfect, I was so happy.

I don't remember exactly how it happened. But I was confused. I was outside and inside. $80 of coke to make me stay awake. I didn't "completely" g out as I was conscious throughout it all. I was so out of it and confused and just barely awake.

I'm not sure how long it lasted. Maybe an hour or an hour and a half. It was so scary. My bf and all my friends were looking after me though. (I have looked after many others throughout this so they kind of had to help me out!).

I don't think I'll ever forget it. It was so scary. I didn't understand things. Everyone was telling me to try and snap out of it ... I was trying, but I didn't know how! People led me outside, inside. Gave me drinks (like orange juice, vitamin water, regular water). They made sure I didn't lie down. They took me outside to keep me awake.

The security guard got upset with me. I wasn't disrupting people (well, just my friends). It wasn't like I was being a big annoyance or something. He kept telling me stuff but I didn't understand it, I just got more confused. I have never gotten in trouble there - I always try to keep up a positive vibe and I always try to help people. And that security guard was not being the nicest to me. I didn't wan to get in trouble! Although I'm pretty sure he just hates me and my bf - he tried to kick out my bf before.

I keep thinking about it. And how scary it was. It was a combination of a gazillion emotions. Scared, lonely, worried, confused, helpless. I'm glad I never reached the unconscious stage but being conscious through the whole thing was scary.

i wish i could look forward to you seeing my new smile. It hurts like hell. Stitches falling out everywhere. Jaws, aching.
love you, miss you.

When I joined the IDF I was 16. Usually we get inducted at age 18 but I came of age during Operation Peace for Galilee, a rather innocuous sounding name for the First War in Lebanon. In the war's first 18 months we took incredibly heavy losses. For you Americans, imagine if in the first 18 months of Iraq your military lost 110,000 soldiers in combat. THAT was OUR experience on a per capita basis. At about the 14 month mark I turned 16. The military needed cannon fodder and...voila.

From the time I had moved to Israel, at about age 12, I had been educated in a religious school that doubled as a military academy. We call such schools "Hesders." Most of my day was taken up with Infantry Training.

Because we were not, and still aren't party to the Convention on Child Soldiers we have no limitation such as those in place in most Western Nations. Technically speaking we consider every Israeli-Jewish male over the age of 14.5 to be a potential soldier if the need arises. My dad became a soldier at 16 as well though that was pre-Statehood so it isn't THAT unusual- though noone younger than 17 has been inducted since the late 1980s.

Normally we graduate the equivalent of high school at age 18, though in our 2nd year of high school, at age 16, we have what we call "Gadna." Gadna is 1 to 2 weeks depending upon your type of high school, and is a military training programme that is used primarily to pick and groom young people for particular units. However it is also used as a bonding exercise because even mildly retarded Israelis are taught to field strip and fire M16s.

At 18 we have a couple of months after high school to hang out, party and then... we are inducted. We then spend 3 years (4 if Navy) with almost no pay (we get about 70 US a month to cover calls home and tolietries, since our service is an honour). Then, at age 21 or 22 we are released to the Military Reserves. We get a year before we serve again and almost always we use that initial year for "Walkabout," going on holiday abroad, sort of like the Gap Year in the UK.

After that year of partying, at age 22 or 23, we finally begin our university (those that go, and that is the vast majority). In my case I served almost 7 years, finishing at age 23 so in THAT way, despite my military service having begun at a rather early age, I still ended my service at roughly the average age.

Because of my extended length of combat I was mandated to attend university while still in uniform, at age 20. The down side to that was that the military dictated my course of study. In a traditional Jewish education we don't study secular subjects above and beyond the state mandate. In the US that mandate is a daily math, English and phys ed class but in Israel it is math, that's it. In my own case I have a learning disability related to the processing and retrieval of numbers. I have a 144 to 147 IQ depending upon the type of test but beyond basic math, I'm lost. This really limited me academically because despite the IDF providing me with extencive tutoring I still struggled with decimals, forget about Algebra, Trig, Calculus and so on. Aside from that narrowing my possibilities in terms of Majors, I had always been fascinated with Ethnography, Anthropology, etc.

The IDF extencively tests all personnel so that years before they mandated my university they had already decided what I could excel in (thanks Big Brother!). I remember discussing in Hesder (my religious-military high school) my interest in plants. Despite my interest in cultures and ethnicities the IDF instructed me to study Botany, the science of plants.

Of course Botany, like any scientific genre has more than a modicum of advanced math. The genetics and other biological facets meant I was going to be bombarded with math whether I liked it or not and so I grudgingly accepted what would eventually prove to be a gratifying course of study.

I was enrolled in the Technicon (alternative English spelling being"Technikon"), our equivalent of MIT, in the coastal city of Hafia. Sill, I managed though it was not without difficulty. Then, at age 23 when I was up for a promotion to Jr. Officer (Lieutenant, from Command Sgt., which is like a Sgt Major in the US), and was denied my promotion because of my military arrest over hashish smuggling. I then cashiered out and so ended my first period of Active Duty.

When I came to the US about 3 years later, I began to consider re-enrolling in school after leaving Tampa and coming to New York City. Before long I found myself studying at CUNY, City University of New York. Casually I began taking courses that I enjoyed, Anthro, Socio, Psych, etc. Eventually a professor I had become friendly with recommended the field of Ethno-Botany, which is a genre, a sub-discipline of Anthropology. Basically it is the study of the utilisation of plants within a cultural context, culture being the particular way in which a group of people interact with their environment. To clarify, "environment" doesn't necessarily refer to the PHYSICAL environmemt. As I said previously, I wasn't privy to a secular education until I was 23. I had no odea what "Ethno-Botany" was. The IDF had directed me to take Botany because at the time we were hardcore Socialists, private industry was very rare, and even today the govt. retains significant control over many areas of industry though in a not too invasive manner (usually through very advantageous arrangements with R & Ds so as to net royalties and/or patents). Botany would be used to further develop Israeli agriculture and or forest management which is another national obsession, due to Arabs having turned much of the land into desert via denuding the land.

So I began to study ABOUT (as opposed to taking course work) Ethno-Botany. It is a relatively young sub-discipline that was basically single handedly created by the American, Richard Schultes. Schultes also single handedly created psychadelic culture. Hoffmann created LSD but it was Schultes who in his investigative work in Mexico discovered hallucinogenic mushrooms being used for spiritual purposes.

Shultes work inspired intellectuals to ponder, and then subjectively investigate hallucinogens. It was this work that led to the original "Acid Tests" amongt psychologists. When it began to be utilised outside of the clinical setting, in about 1964, psychadelia wad born.

When Schultes cut back on Field Work and settled into the staid but rewarding life of a well respected academic one of his many acolytes was astudent by the name of Wade Davis. Davis today is relatively well known for his involvement with "National Geographic," and as a documentary filmaker. Davis first gained wide acclaim via his seminal tome, "The Serpent and the Rainbow." Later made into a cheesy movie, the very well written book tells of Davis' real life experiences in Haiti .

I"l continue in my next entry, at which point I'll explain my title.

Here is a lits of the drugs that I want to try in the future, many requiring a specific cultural setting, and at places shamans present:

• 2C-E
• Ayahuasca (or smoked DMT)
• Ibogaina
• Mescaline
• PCP
• Probably some more opiates
• The Sun Opener (Heimia salicifolia)
• Wild Dagga (Leonotis leonurus)

...and more to come, as I get around to thinking of them.

You know the irony of the situation I come to find myself in is that I personally watched my mother spiral downwards and repeatedly bottom out in life because of her Methamphetamine addiction. A direct result was 10 yrs of foster care for me, a distinct feeling of inadequacy, the development of thought processes and patterns that were subconsciously justified in my own mind due to my mother's repeated abandonment of me, instead preferring to pursue her addiction. I find that ten years of foster care several more years as a child living under the shadow of Methamphetamine and all the issues, trials, pain and suffering I endured as a direct result of my mother's addiction to Methamphetamine, ultimately instead of deterring me from drug use it subconsciously drove me to seek out drugs in order to find emotional release, and in a grander regard allow me to understand the root of my mother's addiction that not only so negatively affected my life in countless but directly drove me to delve into the same substance, to find that I know do understand her past struggle, and I know find myself struggling with the very same addiction that destroyed my family repeatedly and caused immeasurable heartache in myself, my mother and family as a whole. It's 4:10 in the morning on 4/10 and I'm here to say I relapsed after 17 days and find myself dreading that I may have truly found something in life that I cannot overcome single handedly with my willpower alone, that I may truly be bested and addicted to he drug that ruined my childhood, the drug that I swore a vow to myself to never use a vow which I broke, and above all my fears and potential problems/issues/ramifications that arise from using it I find once I am high again that it becomes a second rate concern of mine. I love Methamphetamine, its 4:10 AM on 4/10, my birthday, smoking up, happy as can be, feeling my inhibition amd sanity slip from my grasp... And the most terrifying part of this situation is I know that I care abot whatbis ping on but my mind that finds itself addicted to this drug which must be a.majority of it tells me everything will be ok and that life is better now that I am using again. Here I am alone, no family, no true friends, my lover living far from me for now sleeping unaware that I am on the verge of giving into my addiction and losing any care for life beyond that. I'm high and I can see this. Why I ask is it not enough to keep me sober when I truly am capable of avoiding this situation and running away. Instead I find myself continuing no matter what I have to lose. I'm in love with a drug that I hate... It's my birthday, I'm spun, happy, and I just lost my hardest fight to beat Methamphetamine. I wonder if GOD and her together will give me te strength and will to walk away from it for good. Do I truly have the will, the courage, the strength and lastly and most importantly the true desire to give it up or am I destined for a habit that may destroy my life and drive away the one person left in my life who loves me unconditionally and regardless of her own issues and doubts always puts total faith in me even after our past nightmare rollercoaster ride of a relationship. I sit here ranting, and complaining. Yet I love how i feel and want nothing less. I'm at a crossroads and frankly to most whether they be clean or using it seems obvious which path will be best to choose and will lead me to lasting happiness, and I know which one will as well... God... I really think I might be addicted... and well... even high as fuck the realization of that completely scares the fucking shit outta me... I've reached a pivotal point in my life and know it... The choices I make now will affect the rest of my life. What do I do???

Here I lay... Out of gear. Work is in 4 hours the comedown is here and I can't sleep... Ugh I wonder why I do it sometimes...

i am sick and in a lot of pain. i wear my fentanyl patches (75mcg gel) but i have an extra and ive been without for a couple days so i am sick and in a lot of pain. i just cut open the patch to get to the gel. now what i need to know : whats the BEST way to IMMEDIATLY feel the gel as most as possible? ive ate it before and its pretty much a waste. i mean, it keeps you from getting sick, but you can't tell youve done anything. ive heard of smoking it but i REALLY dont want to waste it. so please, someone who REALLLLLY knows a lot about this subject please give me very detailed instructions on what exactly i need to do. i reallly dont want to waste the gel. so i dont want to do something youve "heard about through the grapevine" i want some advice from someone who realllly knows what they are talking about and whos preferablly done this themselves. thanks so much in advance ! someone please reply fast !! i feel awful ! and let me know too how sure you are that your method works! thanks

This is Rep.Ruben Ecleo Jr. The Elvis picture is right before he strangled his wife. The chrome dome is at trial 2 years later, ahhhhh meth...The house is his Graceland like mansion on Dinagat Island, Surigao del Norte Province, Mindanao.

so this is the first post on my blog hopefully not the last because as of late i have a keen interest in writing... so lemme know how it is!



So as you can pretty much tell by the title this is about relapse and what a cost it has been to me lately... so i had been clean about 8 months... just taking my suboxone everyday being productive working a bit, going to some great live music acts... just pretty much finally gettin my life back after being a hardcore junkie for the last 4 years...i should go back to say i have been prescribed subutex for a year in which i abused the shit out of it and IV'd it almost all the time...well my Dr finally caught on to me and switched me over to suboxone strips which actually worked quite well... but anyways yea after about 8 months of only having the strips my pharmacist accidently gave me subutex which i immediatly shot right into my arm... well a week later i was shootin heroin again at an alarming pace almost immedietly....its so funny how easily an addict such as myself with completely self destruct every good thing i've acomplished in the last 8 months in a matter of weeks even days sometimes... Anyways i tried almost every day to stop and switch back to the subs but i could never make it that 24 hour period and i refused to take it sooner after learning the hard way how bad precipitated withdrawl is.... after 3-4 weeks of total under kaos and self destruction i knew detox was the only answer to this... so i took a week vacation in florida and a "painless" detox inwhich they claimed by using a coctail of powerful narcotics in a taper i'd leave feeling great and refreshed ready to conquer the world free of drugs... what a joke! i left that place kicking so hard... i probably should have stayed a couple more days because i went and copped the day i got out.. my parents caught me out n were ready to disown me until they realized im 26 and not living under their roof anymore so they just bitched and moaned and told me i had to leave within the week... this was very hard for me since when i am clean from dope i have a wonderful relationship with my parents... so i only used for 1 day called my Dr n got back on the subs... i have been trying to ween myself off the subs and am at 1mg a day but i go 2-3 days with out anything and start hurtin.... i hate relapsing... its like when i relapse i have to push the restart button on life... and i happened to meet a wonderful girl while being clean who has absolutely no idea about my drug use and if she did she'd stop talking to me immedietly... during this last bender i stopped talking to her for almost 3 weeks and i dunno how i convinced her to stay with me but alas i did... well anyways i am at a point in my life where i am like truly tired of the cycle of heroin addiction, i deleted all my numbers and associates who are into that shit and i really hope i can get a new job and put some structure in my life... tommorow i have 2 interviews which could both possibly change my life... man i hope they do because the price of relapse is too much these days much too much.. F U DOPE!

So I have decided to start keeping a blog for some reason the idea just popped into my head.
I guess what I have to say today is that I’ve been in a pretty good this week which is a weird thing because most of the time I feel like I’ve been kicked into a hole. It seems I’ve run out of things to say.

I am on the cusp of my twenty-second year.
I came from a good family. I have no history of regular drug use. I am not an addict. I am a planner. I planned for this life to go quite differently than it has played out.

I fell in love. We've been together for a year and a half. He is an addict. Every day since we first begun this journey has been shrouded by deceit. He has lied to me about or kept from me every major or minor event in his life since we met.

• He kissed my friend in week one. I found out from her.
• His ex-girlfriend slept in his bed in week one. I found out in week 70.
• He hid his cigarette smoking from me for three months. I found out from a mutual friend.
• He slept with another woman a year into our relationship. I found out two months later from that woman.
• He dropped out of school and hid it from me.

And perhaps worst of all:

• He has been consistently abusing pain killers since we started dating and has repeatedly and purposefully lied to cover his tracks.

This is the man I wanted to marry. We were planning our futures together. Marriage, careers, homes, families. Our life. And for me, all of it was based on the assumption that we were both in this adult relationship in a big way. And it has only become clear to me in the past week that we were really, really not.

Of course, I am not perfect. I make too big of a deal about the messes and I don't like his friends. But I have always been honest with him. I have always put our relationship first. I have always made as much effort as necessary to maintain the health of our relationship.

That is the part that hurts the most. I feel as though we were both participating in different relationships. I was participating under the assumption of honesty and equality, and he was with the knowledge that it was not that way, and lack of desire for me to know that it was any different.

I want to continue to love, care for, and emotionally support this man. But I have no idea how to deal with addicts and what level of participation is required or encouraged on my part. I want to help, but I don't know how.
Also, I wonder if I need to also be attending NA or AA meetings. I am already in therapy for my own issues, but this seems different, more significant, and carries weightier consequences.

I've been reading BlueLight posts for about 3 weeks before I actually signed up. I think it's a good idea to have something like this that covers a wide range of topics, especially since I don't know about most of you, but I can't talk to anyone about this kind of stuff for fear of the "what ifs."

I didn't think about it at the time, but I use to have a "problem," with E. I knew I had a problem when my then best-friend and I binged on about 25 bombs in a week.... E is/was my favorite substance. It made me feel good about myself. It made me feel good about other things. It brought down the barriers that I've had ever since I can remember. After awhile, I "lost the magic," that I read so many people talking about. It no longer made me feel the way I had experienced it for so long.

This was a post I made a long time ago:

You know what? It's not a realization as of right now, it's been a realization. I realize that I'm better off. My boss said something about one of our clients and it made me think. "When you have someone who really truly believes they are injured, there's nothing more powerful than that; you can't change their mind." I can kind of relate that to myself. In my head, I truly believe that what I'm doing is the best thing for me. I am a very stubborn person; not as bad as my father though. I will at least listen to reason. I believe in my heart and soul and mind that blocking everything that involves the bad things I use to do is the very best thing for me. "If someone truly believes that _________, there's nothing more powerful than that; you can't change their mind."

One day, it just dawned on me that how I was going about my life was totally wrong. I seemed to have "seen the light," in the proverbial sense of the phrase. Basically, before it entered my head, I was partying way too much. I was taking too many drugs, going to too many raves and parties and clubs, and I didn't even care. I never really thought about it; and at this point in time I forget how it came about, but I stopped. I stopped going to parties and raves and clubs, and I stopped taking the drugs I was taking.

I know that the drugs I was taking were bad for me. I knew it. But I didn't want to stop. I was having too much fun. But after awhile, I started realizing what was happening to me because of it. Seeing, really seeing and thinking about the aftershock of everything. I use to be great with words; now I'm not so great with them anymore. My thinking process is screwed. This is all I can really think of at the moment. You have no idea how much it hurt me to really look at myself at this point. I use to be really smart, and now I'm just kind of average. It truly hurts me inside to think that I had the greatest gifts and abilities and I just threw them away for a good time; a mass amount of good times actually.

I feel like I've killed myself. I feel like a shadow of what I use to be. I use to be great. Now.....not so much. How would you feel if you had the key to a lifetime of happiness and you just threw it away for some smoke and mirrors? I really feel so horrible inside, because it feels like I was killing myself on purpose. I knew the risks and damages, but I did it anyway.

The thing that really sucks about this whole thing though, is the friends aspect of it. I'm the only one out of all of my friends that sees the situation as I have. I'm the only one who's doing what's best for me. They're still out partying, still taking massive amounts of drugs, still doing whatever it is that we use to do together as a group of friends. I am not with them. I have a good job. I am going to go to school next fall. I am taking care of my responsibilities for the most part. I am trying to grow up as a person. I am trying to be an adult about things. I'm trying to build myself a life that's not surrounded by drugs and parties.

The thing is though, I do nothing but work. I don't go to parties. I don't go to clubs. I don't go to raves. I don't do anything I use to do. People say that all work and no play isn't good; that I might snap one of these days. That's fine. I would rather snap than be dead. I would rather snap than be homeless. I would rather snap than be totally fucked because of drugs. I've seen what happens to people who take drugs as their path. My father: died when I was 6 years old from a combination of heroin overdose and bronchitis; Suffocated in his sleep from vomit December 25th, 2006. My mother; overdose of cocaine and barbitol, died when I was ten years old, summer of 2000. I was taken away from her when I was 2. They left their child behind to grow up lost and confused. David C.: drug overdose, January 2005. Vanessa Tartaglia: drug overdose, August 2005. Terry Raminov: drug overdose, January 2006. Tiffany Sanchez: coke overdose, April 2006. April Ramirez: drug overdose, September 2006...... etc., etc., etc.. There's so many more that are drug overdoses and more who were killed because of drugs.....because they chose the wrong path and didn't realize it until it was too late. These were my friends. These were my family. But addiction is stronger than water, it's stronger than blood. It's stronger than love and hate, and it will kill you in someway if you're not careful, if you're not mindful of the consequences. It will kill you one day. It doesn't even have to kill your body. It can kill your mind. It can be brain death, it can leave you a vegetable; and let's face it, sometimes that's a fate worse than death, and guess what? It was your fault. How would that make you feel? To know that you are dead inside? Guess what, if you make bad decisions in your life, if you fuck up, guess who's mistake it is.....yours. Don't blame your parents, don't blame your friends, don't blame any external source. It's your fault. Everyone has a choice in life. Realize the right one before it's too late. I will not become my parents. I will not become my friends. They are all dead. I will not be dead like them.

People keep trying to get me to go to the club, go to raves, take the drugs I use to, and I immediately say no. I've come too far to let people drag me back down with them into the swirl of confusion and drugs and loneliness. I've come to far to go back. The thing is, people also say well you don't have to do drugs, just dance and have fun. Thing is, is that I've taken so many drugs at these functions, that without them it's not fun anymore. I've spoiled it for myself. And I have to live with that. I have to live with my anger and exasperation. I'm angry at myself. I feel like I have failed and failure is the worst kind of prison. It eats at you everyday. But I will not stray from this path. I am better off now and I will not go back. While everyone is partying it up and being fucktarded, I will be working to further my education. I will be making money so I can spend it on something interesting like horseback riding, or going away for a weekend to a different state. I kind of feel like a born again Christian, lmao. Like noooooo lol.

I feel that what I am doing is the best thing for me. I'm trying to blossom into a human being who doesn't rely on vices to be happy. I like my brain cells lol.

Hopefully I won't be alone in this anymore, but people are still too wrapped up in their drugs to realize it. Oh well. I'm better off. It's sad and lonely sometime; but I am better off. People don't do what's easy, they do what they have to. If you aren't willing to work for it, then you don't want it bad enough."

............. My magic is gone, and I would give anything to get it back; but everything comes with a price. That isolation has given me problems. I was paranoid before all the drugs, but now it's worse. I only really leave my house to go to work, because when I got outside, I feel like I'm being followed; I feel like I'm being watched. But there's no one there..... If I had to give my problem a name, I'd call it Paranoid Anxiety. My paranoia gets so bad to the point where it induces an anxiety attack, but I was doing research and apparently anxiety induces paranoia....... I just can't seem to ever catch a break; I already have a multitude of issues and I don't understand why bad shit keeps happening to me. I want to go to a shrink to get medication to make everything go away, but I want to go for entirely the wrong reasons I think. Regardless of the reasons, I'm scared to go. Scared to talk to anyone. I'm 21 and I still feel like a child. My pcp gave me samples of Lexapro which is generally for General Anxiety Disorder and/or Major Depressive Disorder because I was going through a lot of stuff around Christmas, and it made me numb to everything. It put a ceiling on my emotions, and I've read that most people don't like that, but for how weird I am, I loved it. It stopped working after awhile so I stopped taking it. As weird as people may think I am, I've never told anyone, but I would love to be a sociopath....lol....not for the hurting animals part though. (Cuz I'd love for that to get around to everyone) You'd have to understand my history to understand where I'm coming from in all this, but that's incredibly long (longer than this post) and I don't feel like getting into that much detail at the moment, as if I haven't already said enough lol.

I just don't know what to do with my life. I have no drive anymore. I have no interests anymore. I just don't know. I'm scared to end up like my parents and my friends; a family of corpses. Someone asked me what my goals in life were. I responded as follows: 1. To never die. 2. To have children. 3. To give my children everything I never had and then some. 4. To make sure my children don't end up like me. 5. For someone to love me. For some reason, I don't think any of those is going to come true for me, and as I said before......... I just don't know about anything anymore..........