I originally posted in the "What's on your mind..." thread, but I find this a better place for this post.
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Now I know this might be the wrong thread to submit a long post like this, but all of it was on my mind, and I was inspired by sssssssssssssss.... Dear moderators - please redirect me, or move the post to another thread or forum, if you feel it necessary.
^I'm with you on this one...
I live, work and study in my country of birth, but not the country I grew up in. So I have had to make a whole new set of friends as an adult, because none of the friends I grew up with live anywhere nearby. Likewise, my family is scattered as if a bomb went off between us, but our relationship is still moving in a positive direction. I have spent some time abroad, living together with old friends, but this just amounted to a year, and so for the past many years I have been making new friends. I shared three different apartments with the best of these new friends, over a coarse of 5 years (with the one year break when I lived abroad with old buddies). However, during the latter 3 years, the friend and I have grown apart, and since a lot of my other friendships came to be through this friend, I have always felt very distant and secluded. I sort of felt like I lived in the shadow of this person, and that I didn't choose these friends, and as such they couldn't be real friends. However, some of them have proven to be better friends than my best friend was.
Anyways, my point is that I was also used to people coming in and out all the time, many people that I really connected with and got a good vibe going, but now I moved on, live alone in a 3x4m apartment (not incl. bathroom, kitchen and hallway), I am trying to kick a heroin habit, and feel alone a lot of the time. The heroin habit is a long story, but in short me and the best friend started it together... him and I were brothers from different mothers in the beginning and really hit it off, got a real chilled out friendship going with lots of good karma, and eventually we formed a very strong comradeship that was essentially centered around our love for philosphy, ethnobotany, science, music (namely Rock 'n' Roll and Heavy Metal), and our cannabis, opium and heroin addictions. Heroin started off as a bonding agent, but as the story always goes, we soon became very self-centered and the philosophy of sharing was phased out and replaced by a tendency to profit off one another, all the while it seemed like my buddy was keeping a tight score of who owed who what (sort of subconsciously to begin with; he has a very strong ego and is not always aware of it). Friendly favours began to have a high price, hell, my buddy even started making money off me when selling me heroin, but of course, I should have expected that - I just wanted that good karma to live on, and I really tried avoiding any tendency to take advantage of my friends for any personal gain. For example, when it came to sharing a heroin cop, I would never make any money off of a friend, and if I was gipped when copping alone for both of us, I would always give him the benefit of the doubt and supply him with the larger portion (the way the heroin was effecting my friend led to me believing that he had lost his trust capabilities, so I did these sort of things to regain his trust... stupid and contradictory in retrospect).
Back in the ganja smoking days, one love and kindred spirituality prevailed, we shared everything and never owed each other anything. All of a sudden, I found my friend treating me like shit when his heroin wd's were bad. This made me feel misunderstood, misused and abuse, I mean, he has no right to yell at me and one minute and make a buck off me the next, especially when all of it was a projection onto me of his lack of control over heroin and it's adverse side effects! Not to forget that he became a fanatic in terms of sterility... he wouldn't drink out of my glass any more or eat with my spoon, without making sure it was spotless and free from my oh-so-deadly bacteria by using soap and detergent. What sort of signals does that send? I live a healthy lifestyle, and I have no STD's or any diseases for that matter, I am so rarely sick with an infection, so this really bothered me... Especially because we shared everything back in the day.
Anyways, lonelier and lonelier... Bro's before ho's is an ideal that my best friend also failed to comply by towards the end. I barely ever got a chance to hang out with this buddy without his girl being around anymore (she was also sucked into the heroin game, and I think that their combined and collectively managed heroin habits led to the illusion that they were in control of the heroin abuse, which also led to the fundamental difference between me and them: I want out of the heroin game and know that the heroin controls me and not the other way around, and they seem to think that they can get out whenever they want but for the time being they don't want out)... Anyways, his girl is great, but bro's need to hang alone to keep the brotherhood alive, and this is another reason we grew apart. The shadow became darker and darker, I became lonelier and lonelier. I was meeting many girls on the side, and had numerous flings in some of the most invigorating situations, but still, one needs brother love if one is so unfortunate not to find a womans love just like that. And I want to have some fun, do crazy stuff with my friends, but lately, it is impossible for things to amount to more than tension, or nodding off with this buddy; rarely any middle ground left, either he's got bad wd's and is intolerable for the most part, or he's so wasted that nodding off and nodding off even more are the only options. Plus I like doing things outdoors, and junkies usually like to stay indoors during the winter, unless copping for heroin.
I don't have a better half for the time being, and even though I really love being alone and going on journeys of self-discovery without the influence of 'friends' or people that have known me previously, then life does feel like a big old sack of moldy loneliness once in a while.
So I guess that is also why I came here, to become part of the collective open-mindedness that is BL. It's really a great place, and up until now, it has been possible to speak my mind without any horrible consequences (except for a little trolling incident with NAtionOfThiZzlam... sorry, couldn't help myself). It feels good to feel as if I'm part of a community like this, when my 'real world' community seems like it is crumbling. I am always up for a fresh start, and this is what I am applying for now. I want to move on from illusive friends, get off heroin, tie up all loose ends and get my education well done and over with, pay off debts, and wake up every morning to a clean slate. I can't say whether this would be possible without BL, as I don't want to try making all these changes without having a place to air my thoughts on the matter. All I know is that I feel free in this forum, free to speak thoughts that would otherwise be condemned in some of my other circles. I love you all, thank you very much!
Don't get me wrong, I'm rarely 'alone'... Plenty of friendly neighbours, great collegues and peers, wonderful family, and I get to travel and work in so many wonderful places. But the point here is not what it is like to feel alone in an isolated environment, but just the feeling of being alone in the world, even when one is surrounded by good people. And in order not to feel this, one really needs that feeling of having a brother from another mother or a sister from another mister, as well as healthy family relationships. This is not always easy to come by, so don't take it for granted when you've got it. I've had it and lost it many times by now, and I've been in and out of numerous sexual relationships, so for the time being I am sort of alone alone.
-----
Now I know this might be the wrong thread to submit a long post like this, but all of it was on my mind, and I was inspired by sssssssssssssss.... Dear moderators - please redirect me, or move the post to another thread or forum, if you feel it necessary.
so i was used to friends/people coming in and out of my rather large house all the time hanging out and stuff and now i just live in this little apartment by myself and its really weird... i hate watching tv.. but for my sanity i have to keep it on.
i think thats one of the reasons i came here
^I'm with you on this one...
I live, work and study in my country of birth, but not the country I grew up in. So I have had to make a whole new set of friends as an adult, because none of the friends I grew up with live anywhere nearby. Likewise, my family is scattered as if a bomb went off between us, but our relationship is still moving in a positive direction. I have spent some time abroad, living together with old friends, but this just amounted to a year, and so for the past many years I have been making new friends. I shared three different apartments with the best of these new friends, over a coarse of 5 years (with the one year break when I lived abroad with old buddies). However, during the latter 3 years, the friend and I have grown apart, and since a lot of my other friendships came to be through this friend, I have always felt very distant and secluded. I sort of felt like I lived in the shadow of this person, and that I didn't choose these friends, and as such they couldn't be real friends. However, some of them have proven to be better friends than my best friend was.
Anyways, my point is that I was also used to people coming in and out all the time, many people that I really connected with and got a good vibe going, but now I moved on, live alone in a 3x4m apartment (not incl. bathroom, kitchen and hallway), I am trying to kick a heroin habit, and feel alone a lot of the time. The heroin habit is a long story, but in short me and the best friend started it together... him and I were brothers from different mothers in the beginning and really hit it off, got a real chilled out friendship going with lots of good karma, and eventually we formed a very strong comradeship that was essentially centered around our love for philosphy, ethnobotany, science, music (namely Rock 'n' Roll and Heavy Metal), and our cannabis, opium and heroin addictions. Heroin started off as a bonding agent, but as the story always goes, we soon became very self-centered and the philosophy of sharing was phased out and replaced by a tendency to profit off one another, all the while it seemed like my buddy was keeping a tight score of who owed who what (sort of subconsciously to begin with; he has a very strong ego and is not always aware of it). Friendly favours began to have a high price, hell, my buddy even started making money off me when selling me heroin, but of course, I should have expected that - I just wanted that good karma to live on, and I really tried avoiding any tendency to take advantage of my friends for any personal gain. For example, when it came to sharing a heroin cop, I would never make any money off of a friend, and if I was gipped when copping alone for both of us, I would always give him the benefit of the doubt and supply him with the larger portion (the way the heroin was effecting my friend led to me believing that he had lost his trust capabilities, so I did these sort of things to regain his trust... stupid and contradictory in retrospect).
Back in the ganja smoking days, one love and kindred spirituality prevailed, we shared everything and never owed each other anything. All of a sudden, I found my friend treating me like shit when his heroin wd's were bad. This made me feel misunderstood, misused and abuse, I mean, he has no right to yell at me and one minute and make a buck off me the next, especially when all of it was a projection onto me of his lack of control over heroin and it's adverse side effects! Not to forget that he became a fanatic in terms of sterility... he wouldn't drink out of my glass any more or eat with my spoon, without making sure it was spotless and free from my oh-so-deadly bacteria by using soap and detergent. What sort of signals does that send? I live a healthy lifestyle, and I have no STD's or any diseases for that matter, I am so rarely sick with an infection, so this really bothered me... Especially because we shared everything back in the day.
Anyways, lonelier and lonelier... Bro's before ho's is an ideal that my best friend also failed to comply by towards the end. I barely ever got a chance to hang out with this buddy without his girl being around anymore (she was also sucked into the heroin game, and I think that their combined and collectively managed heroin habits led to the illusion that they were in control of the heroin abuse, which also led to the fundamental difference between me and them: I want out of the heroin game and know that the heroin controls me and not the other way around, and they seem to think that they can get out whenever they want but for the time being they don't want out)... Anyways, his girl is great, but bro's need to hang alone to keep the brotherhood alive, and this is another reason we grew apart. The shadow became darker and darker, I became lonelier and lonelier. I was meeting many girls on the side, and had numerous flings in some of the most invigorating situations, but still, one needs brother love if one is so unfortunate not to find a womans love just like that. And I want to have some fun, do crazy stuff with my friends, but lately, it is impossible for things to amount to more than tension, or nodding off with this buddy; rarely any middle ground left, either he's got bad wd's and is intolerable for the most part, or he's so wasted that nodding off and nodding off even more are the only options. Plus I like doing things outdoors, and junkies usually like to stay indoors during the winter, unless copping for heroin.
I don't have a better half for the time being, and even though I really love being alone and going on journeys of self-discovery without the influence of 'friends' or people that have known me previously, then life does feel like a big old sack of moldy loneliness once in a while.
So I guess that is also why I came here, to become part of the collective open-mindedness that is BL. It's really a great place, and up until now, it has been possible to speak my mind without any horrible consequences (except for a little trolling incident with NAtionOfThiZzlam... sorry, couldn't help myself). It feels good to feel as if I'm part of a community like this, when my 'real world' community seems like it is crumbling. I am always up for a fresh start, and this is what I am applying for now. I want to move on from illusive friends, get off heroin, tie up all loose ends and get my education well done and over with, pay off debts, and wake up every morning to a clean slate. I can't say whether this would be possible without BL, as I don't want to try making all these changes without having a place to air my thoughts on the matter. All I know is that I feel free in this forum, free to speak thoughts that would otherwise be condemned in some of my other circles. I love you all, thank you very much!
Don't get me wrong, I'm rarely 'alone'... Plenty of friendly neighbours, great collegues and peers, wonderful family, and I get to travel and work in so many wonderful places. But the point here is not what it is like to feel alone in an isolated environment, but just the feeling of being alone in the world, even when one is surrounded by good people. And in order not to feel this, one really needs that feeling of having a brother from another mother or a sister from another mister, as well as healthy family relationships. This is not always easy to come by, so don't take it for granted when you've got it. I've had it and lost it many times by now, and I've been in and out of numerous sexual relationships, so for the time being I am sort of alone alone.