Where to begin...probably at the beginning.
I was going to post this in SL&R like I normally do with things of this nature, but I figured this was more of a declaration and venting mechanism than a questioning that Bluelight can help answer. I have the answer already.
I'm gender dysphoric. I want to be a woman.
I have been since I was young. I never told anyone about it, because, having no idea back then about anything transgender related, I thought I was just being crazy. That it was a phase. I hadn't even begun to figure out my sexuality, let alone any possible gender issues.
I knew I used to cross-dress, and not for sexual gratification, but I loved pretending I was a girl. This was all in secret of course. After a while, I figured out that I was bisexual, during one of my first ecstasy experiences. It made so much sense. It was definitely one of those "wow!" moments that completely shatters everything you thought you knew and reveals to you the truth that was there all along.
I began a quest to explore that side of me. Even so, I kept falling back into bad relationships...hardcore codependent things...and I hurt a lot of people, including certain Bluelighters. I was a mess. I was just trying to be happy, and doing it in all the wrong ways. I would hide my sorrow in drugs, and in other people.
After a while, other feelings started creeping up inside me; a desire that I'd repressed for a long time. I repressed it because everyone on the playground, in middle school, and even in high school, would oftentimes call me fag or gay or queer. I toughened myself up, and by 11th Grade, I was accepted. But at what cost?
These feelings were a desire to be feminine. I misinterpreted these feelings as me being gay, and so I tried being gay for several years. You know something isn't right when you have to "try" to be gay. I cut my hair short because all my gay friends told me it was hotter that way. I hated my hair short. I wanted long, feminine hair, and I didn't want to be "manly." I didn't figure this out until very recently, that all of these feelings were related to gender issues, not sexual orientation. I finally sat down and told myself, "Hey, I want to be a woman. That's who I've been inside. And that's okay. It doesn't matter anymore what others think. I am making my own happiness."
It's been a really rough road. I just hope those who I have hurt can forgive me someday. I have been a mess for so long. I finally have a calling. I'm going to use this blog to update my progress on pursuing the goal of transitioning to be a woman. First things first: I'm seeing my therapist again next week, and really talking to her about this hardcore.
I know this will be expensive. I know this still might not be the final straw on who I am (but it feels so perfect), but I am going get started in the best way I can. I won't rush things, as much as I want to, but I'm just happy that I have so many supportive people around me.
Now, if only I could tell my family...
Love,
TJ
I was going to post this in SL&R like I normally do with things of this nature, but I figured this was more of a declaration and venting mechanism than a questioning that Bluelight can help answer. I have the answer already.
I'm gender dysphoric. I want to be a woman.
I have been since I was young. I never told anyone about it, because, having no idea back then about anything transgender related, I thought I was just being crazy. That it was a phase. I hadn't even begun to figure out my sexuality, let alone any possible gender issues.
I knew I used to cross-dress, and not for sexual gratification, but I loved pretending I was a girl. This was all in secret of course. After a while, I figured out that I was bisexual, during one of my first ecstasy experiences. It made so much sense. It was definitely one of those "wow!" moments that completely shatters everything you thought you knew and reveals to you the truth that was there all along.
I began a quest to explore that side of me. Even so, I kept falling back into bad relationships...hardcore codependent things...and I hurt a lot of people, including certain Bluelighters. I was a mess. I was just trying to be happy, and doing it in all the wrong ways. I would hide my sorrow in drugs, and in other people.
After a while, other feelings started creeping up inside me; a desire that I'd repressed for a long time. I repressed it because everyone on the playground, in middle school, and even in high school, would oftentimes call me fag or gay or queer. I toughened myself up, and by 11th Grade, I was accepted. But at what cost?
These feelings were a desire to be feminine. I misinterpreted these feelings as me being gay, and so I tried being gay for several years. You know something isn't right when you have to "try" to be gay. I cut my hair short because all my gay friends told me it was hotter that way. I hated my hair short. I wanted long, feminine hair, and I didn't want to be "manly." I didn't figure this out until very recently, that all of these feelings were related to gender issues, not sexual orientation. I finally sat down and told myself, "Hey, I want to be a woman. That's who I've been inside. And that's okay. It doesn't matter anymore what others think. I am making my own happiness."
It's been a really rough road. I just hope those who I have hurt can forgive me someday. I have been a mess for so long. I finally have a calling. I'm going to use this blog to update my progress on pursuing the goal of transitioning to be a woman. First things first: I'm seeing my therapist again next week, and really talking to her about this hardcore.
I know this will be expensive. I know this still might not be the final straw on who I am (but it feels so perfect), but I am going get started in the best way I can. I won't rush things, as much as I want to, but I'm just happy that I have so many supportive people around me.
Now, if only I could tell my family...
Love,
TJ