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I can't stand being depressed.
I hate it, and I hate when I can't seem to get out of it.
I am ready to get the fuck out of my funk.
I'm so drained and sad.
I've spent days basically vegging out in front of the tv and watching movies........
I didn't even want to do that but staring at the wall got old pretty fast.
I think I need to go to the library and pick up some books. Maybe reading would be good.

i miss you so much. i don't know anyone who knows you, but your death has really sent me on an emotional tailspin that I don't know if anyone else is going through. this is still a subject that i have to fight back tears over. i'm in bereavement therapy, i probably told you.
honestly, i kinda put you on a pedestal. then, all we talked about was drugs & that bothered me a bit. i wanted so much more from us. but, i guess people talk about stuff they know and we knew that between us. it was almost as if those were your glory days, not your hs-usa years. but maybe since we didn't have that in common, drugs are what we talked about. i do know that if we ended up together, we would've found much more to talk about. you were smart and you know i am. i forgot to say or maybe i said yesterday, i began the process of working for the humane society. my dad and i had it out last night as usual, but he seemed quite happy about me choosing to do something positive.
i could swear that i feel someone else in my room at times. i don't always feel it, well, i never feel it as it happens, i don't think. it's just that i'll feel that someone else was just sitting here with me. if i'm to believe in such stuff, then i believe that you have stopped by from time to time. no telling how i'd act if i met you first, before you died. I'd probably be in a ward or jail or dead. your loss has been the biggest thing ever in my life.

Nature has always been my reset button of sorts.
It calms me and brings me back to what I recognize as sacred or spiritual........
I think I am in need of some extra nature time this week.

nooooooooooooooooooo! COME BACK, I NEED YOU!

My first experience with opiates is also my first experiment with drugs.

We stored, of course, hydrocodone from the dentist, in our kitchen medicine cupboard. A bored 7th grader on summer vacation would eat 3 then jump down the stairs to feel the drunk and lucid effects of the opiate. He had his internet friend from california stay up all night on net meeting. The naive opiate user was afraid he would over dose.

Fast forward to 9th grade, I get booted out of highschool for a technology crime. I formatted networked hard disks. I was sent to an alternative school for misbehaving children and met people who were in the alternative school for drugs, violence, vandalism. Every day was anticipation for the after school cannibis. I dont recall if I was opiate free during this total time, as I knew well what hydrocodone were, and fairly certain none were left in my cabinet. Yet I'm rather certain my tryst with opiates had not began to begin.

A year later in the summer of 2004 I met my father in Thailand for a summer vacation. I went mushroom hunting in the islands of the south. I smoked opium in the golden north. Back at home the fellas werent far behind. They had gotten ahold of oxycodone's and fentanyl candy and transdermal patches. I desperately wanted to try each of these for myself.

Now in my eleventh year I was living at a friends house flipping burgers at mcdonalds for a pay check, spending my money on hydro weed. By this time I could tell what the difference was between a tylenol three and a lortab. I used to take one or two generic lortabs and feel bliss. Well later that year I got sent to a residential treatment center. I was there strictly on the basis that I was a run-away. Twice a week or so, a man would round up kids who were enrolled in a chemical dependency class. I wasnt invited. A few months in I was unexpectedly released back to my home. Three months total stay average length of residency was nine months to a year.

Not long after I got back home I was back to living at my friends apartment. In fact to this day I still tell him that I am forever in debt to him because he allowed me to live there while I graduated from highschool. This was the beginning of my twelfth year. My twelfth year was not entirely opiate free however I cannot recall specific affairs i had with any particular substance.

That summer I turned eighteen, and I believe the group was into the opiate culture to the definition. We would buy mass amounts of oxycotin and drive to the other side of town and stay at a friends house drinking Jagermeister Liqueur and doing opiates all night. I remember also worrying about my own personal limitations that evening. From there is just a sequence of dollars paid hand over fist for oxycotins, lortabs, basically moving up all opiates until they no longer were effective. This must've lasted two years.

I had snorted heroin a couple of times. I didnt like it. I didnt like the way it burned my nose, The way it smelled, The way it made you feel. Such a bad high in my opinion almost like the satisfaction one recieves from meaningless sex with a hooker. No meaning. There was a group of us trying to get twenty dollars together to throw down for heroin. All I had to do was wait this night. The heroin finally showed up and none of the people who were in the house were IDU's at that moment in time. However, all the males in the room would later turn out to be addicts, and 2/3's of the females in the room would end up injecting it as well. In November of 2008 another addict injected me with heroin. At first I was reluctant to let him inject me because I did not like needles, and I also didnt have a safe needle. He was at my house with a friend of his who talked about why I wouldnt inject. "Oh he knows better than to do this shit," or "he's scared of needles." So I found a safe needle that I knew was safe (and sterilized it with a pressure canner to be extra safe) then I proceeded to let him doctor an injection into my veins. I was very and I do mean very weary of him injecting me, nobody is perfect yet its not rocket science and I would not let anyone touch my body now or never. Never wanted to. Considering the amount of time i spent on this forum reading about safer technique I can safely say I am the most informed user among my circle. Rotating, bevel down, etc. all make for good ettiquette. Not much disfiguring of my own arms.

Shortly after this encounter I had a second vacation to thailand this took me away from the scene, and I uknowingly, missed a great deal of what would be the demise of a group of friends.

I'm so ashamed about the events that have transpired in the last 48 or so. i got my car keyed. I may have proper insurance just for it so that'd be great! If i'd met you in feb, events that led up to this would not have occurred. but it's not your fault how someone else acts.
i've held back tears several times today thinking of us. Me and a small uhaul, to meet my destiny, destroyed. you're just ash now.
as are my dreams, hopes, and aspirations.
I bout don't give a fuck anymore! (not about us) if my gma passes by the end of the summer, i'm PISSED AT YOU!

THey folks, ive been w/o a home pc forever! Thanks for the comm last post Overdone. Having no access to home pc sucks, on the up side i got a galaxy tab. Its fun, its great, im certainly never bored at work, but nowadays companies dont want to spend money so customers can have a bleedin manual and tell us to read them online, lol. Well i got this thing very late december last year, kept this fact from momso i dont get yelled at about money. She refuses to allow me to let a friend come over just to move her heavy ass solid oak shit so i have room to hook up my home pc.

In spite of what she says, the fact is before 1997, the year she had 30 contracters at once redoing the house from floor to roof, we got along great whether i was using-or not. That year was a turning point for her though, and while im glad to say we are at least on civil terms most of the time, the older shes gotten since 97, the more controlling shes become.

My using has been and continues to remain at "meth/pill maintainence" only, no more, no less. I cant go crazy as i gotta work 5 nights a week plus im not rich these days. The garnishment has left me scraping by and i got more work on the room cleaned. It actually looks presentable. I may have access to a cheap studio,the ones my friend Daves dad owns.

No one moves out but say once every 7 to 10 years and only cause something drastic forced them to leave. The tiny studio is $400/month, dirt cheap for orange co in So Cali. The guy left the studio to live in a voluntary mental institution, which he needs the help anyway. We'll see. Repairs to the john are gonna take time which i need though. Fingers crossed.

Anyway, its taking me awhile to pretty much learn this Galaxy Tab on my own by trial and error. They should give us a manual if a customer spends $400. I did find and email a copy of the manual to myself, which is of no help until i find a way to print 157 pages, even though its a 3" x 4" booklet im guessing, still thats alot of ink and paper.

As i said im slowly learning this thing as thats the only way i can use it, but its also the reason ive been away from BL posting and blog. Also, because ive been temporarily cut off from an actual REAL keyboard, is also the reason i dont bother with all the proper punctuation so much quicker and easier to do from a dinosaur keyboard ive had 33 years experience. Ive so missed writing though, and i think this is the beginning of me getting back into it. Its like a pressure valve of a sort that allows me to vent whatever frustration and negativity, thereby taking half the power out of states of fear, despair, depression, and a generalized lack of motivation.

Also, because for some reason writing emails was learned way faster than trying to blog from this tab, dont ask me y, but the controls both on the site and the tab itself are way different than home pc. Not having a manual at my fingertips has thwarted 90% of my writing, so personal emails ended up being blog entries although unintended.

Erik and Suzy my unseen cybermates are the only two i really talk to candidly and im told vice versa. Erik is in Vancouver and he called me last week to tell me he got a job offer Down Under, LOL, talk about irony. Thats where Suzy lives and although they havent met, i talk about one to the other all the time. Since using forces us into secret or double lives, y not try to give them other support with each other as i have. I was gonna post an email that was more a blog entry but fear i run out of room. To be continued,

I thought you might be interested in reading this web page:
http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/showthread.php?t=205787&referrerid=73374

From,
TJ5

Hey Suzy u asked me was Turbo and Spice a book, well i had emailed u a copy maybe a couple months or so ago. It had taken place in dec 2001, during the good old days when i got away with having my CrystalMethSlammers or CMS yahoo group for 6 years b4 an undercover pig tried to join. I remember the fuckers brazen yahoo ID "takedown. . ." and wot i think was a New York City zip code or precinct#. He didnt even bother to try and not LOOK like a cop with his profile picture! "Fuck me tender," i sed under my breath. He had a crew cut and expression that sed narc police. I assumed he was banking on the moderator, me thinking i prob didnt even bother screening who joined the group, as we talked pretty openly about all aspects of drug, mainly slammin speed and i no people sometimes met connects, which is how and y i met bobby spice aka peter right off my site, but only did speed every 3 months and took a week off work to do it. Did that 2 years until the damn methadone companies i worked for insisted on nurses working these rediculous 9 or 12 days in a row and wudnt let me hav the unpaid time off. So back to using full time, and when i insisted on sticking up for my rites, shit i often let slide WAY longer than i ever did clean, i got the boot---and saddled back on the beast again lol. The book was rather long i assumed thats y u didnt read it so i sent u one page excerpt instead with the other thread i sent u. The story is also on my A Chemical Romance Group on yahoo. Its been dead since i have no home pc and because after having all my years of hard work deleted after 6 years, then some asshole whined to yahoo about my CMS2 group after 2 years-- along with yet ANOTHER freaken account closed email too and everything, i sed fuck it. The chem group i made unlisted so no one knows its even there unless i invite them personally. Its a shame i had some DAMN good info, lost because the drug topic unless
promoting complete abstainence is a violation of yahoos terms. If ur still a member u can
access the stories.

As for above thread it occured in may and june 2005 barely holding onto the expensive motel rent each week, barely able to pay for my habit in the end and rent was $312/week. Ever notice how in that line of work biz is fine or more than u want, until the day u really DO need itat which point biz is a slow at best, til being forced to leave yet another place for lack of money. In my case i was allowed to spend 2 nights at my connect/runner Susie & Scotts place and even given permission to work paying customers since they gave me their unoccupied parents room who were comin back the day i left. It didnt matter. I was out of dope and my morale so low that even trying to hustle money to score more dope felt pointless. I lived at Aimee and Lindas a week, left for motel as i didnt want to wear out my welcome and after 1998 drama, made sure from then on in terms of friends i made it a point to be the one to leave first . That way fucked as it was, it was still my choice and my friendships intact. Totally defeated, jobless and being forced to go on interviews the number 1 on my list for hate to do's lay ahead back in moms house and feeling no better than the lowest scum for failing AGAIN at being able to support myself, i went hanging my head in shame at the bleak no money, no job, no motivation for fuck all. And that was when i always wanted dope the most cause for a week i hid out and slept til moms ragging - and broken car with no money to fix it got me to do the 2 mile walk to Lindas - plus the unexpected relief of a couple lines i got from a deal, plus a stranger who saw me walking home offered a ride, $15 for my phone that of course had no money, and later the offer of dinner which i scarfed down for being so hungry, knowing my suspicions he did speed were true since he ordered no food for himself but talked a mile a minute from the second he picked me up off the street. I always wait for the stranger to bring up the dope topic and wen the night ended for me and he dropd me home at 3am, thanked god i HAD gotten out of the house even though grim and bleak were the themes of the last couple weeks. I wud of misd out on the 2 lines of tweak from a deal at lindas as well as the two lines the stranger gave me for later.

I've been distancing myself or intentionally sabotaging any real life relationships I have. Don't be fooled, I don't have many.

Had an unnecessary blow out with 'M' tonight. That shit is done with for good now. Not having it.

Called my sponsor and told him I'm done with NA. I'll hit a meeting maybe once a month perhaps but thats it.

People at work... I'm here to do a job, that's it.

What the fuck am I really up to?

Suicide? Relapse?

Once this nicotine is completely out of my system I'm certain I'll have a clearer idea of what the fuck I'm doing.

TBH, I'm on my own and no longer need people to give a shit. I'll figure it out without the conditional help from others.

For now, y'all gotta get the fuck away and probably just stay the fuck away

they have been telling me i needed new tires all winter. i ignored them cause i can find a zillion things i would rather spend money on. but after this morning, i think i will get new tires.

(this was posted on facebook too. but i like having a record here cause i read thru here more often and its far easier to find old entries)

my car spun out on the higway and the snow on the side was deep enough that it wasn't going anywhere without a tow truck according to the firefighters on the scene. i called for a tow truck and it was going to take two hours.

then the cops showed up a while later and tried to push me out to no avail. and then my battery died. while all this was happening, another car crashed into the fire truck. there were two other cars still stuck from earlier too.

the cops decided they were calling for a tow themselves (from the same company i called) to get cars off the road. in order for the cops to do this, they had to write me a parking ticket.

the cops then decided its actually not their jurisdiction and demanded cops from a neighboring city come deal with the mess. they argued back and forth for nearly an hour while 3 of us sat crammed in the back seat (their car was fucked and mine was dead with a window that wouldn't shut).

by time the cops finished arguing and called the tow truck, it was already on its way from my original call. so i ended up not getting a ticket or impounded. but the tow truck only wanted to pull me back onto the highway. he said if i wanted a jump for my dead battery, i would need to call back my insurance for approval.

the tow guy helped push the cop car out of the snow while i called my insurance to tell them i needed my battery jumped too. at this point i told progressive i simply wanted my car towed to my apartment instead. i then called my boss and said there was no way i was coming into school today.

the good thing is, my car is fine (minus the dead battery and tires which need replacing) and i am fine (minus slightly stressed).

this seems to be a fractal universe where "things*" bloat into existence (by taking complexity from their surroundings), spiral around interacting with their surroundings (exchanging patterns), and finally dissipate into their surroundings.

(AKA look at a 3D moving fractal; compare fractal structures to our universe, from helical sheets of trillions of galaxies, to galaxies, to tornadoes, and down to the shape of atomic bonds)

* "things" includes: galaxies, stars, planets, humans, and existential awareness(es) (aka our consciousness)

i think it's possible that our consciousness may not dissipate, and end up somewhere "else", but very improbable. my rationale that it is possible is that we know nothing of how/why consciousness works/exists, it does not fit into a material model of the world in any way we've yet to see (mechanical gears can't produce conscious experience). but because of how every other "thing" dissipates, i think death may simply be just like sleep, and our consciousness dissipates along with the components of our body that we do understand scientifically (all of which definitely dissipate).

that sort of sucks imo. the cold deterministic "machine universe" seems to depress some people, but imo, from our vantage point, it should be nothing but awe inspiring, beautiful, and amazing. shit's a ride.

So I went and copped a bag of some fire dope to test it out... once I knew it was good I called the dude and he gave me the wrong # or I heard wrong. So I went back to find some other guy sitting on the block, copped from him and was complete waste of time. Ofcourse that time I had copped way more...

What up world. I am very new to this site and am kinda trippin a little. I have done a lot of research about the brain and some of its chemistry. I would love to share my knowledge and receive more. I am looking for new like minded friends to chat with etc. So Maybe someone could add me already. Im eager, my brain is HUGRY, feed me.

Soo I did a shot of H like last week and I now have a small hard bump under my skin its not painful but it worries me!! Anyone know what it could be????

Also I never miss and I happened to do so a little bit 2 days ago, my arm is still swollen and very painful what does this mean???

again, i sabotaged an almost certain sexual experience i could've had with the help. she's big, tammie, but the best i can do right now. it would've been wrong, really. there's 4 now since u left and 1 never even stayed enthused about any of them. what may've been the best one, i ruined online before we even met. still, i seek, tammie, but not for your replacement. that will never happen, you know that baby!

So I forced withdrawal after a week-long binge on poppy tea. I still have boxes of poppy pods. I also have pills such as Roxis and Tramadol. I also have tons of Loperamide. But guess what? I'm taking NOTHING to relieve the symptoms. I want to feel the full wrath of withdrawal so it ingrains in my mind what the price is for overusing opiates recreationally. I must learn to respect Poppy Straw Concentrate / Poppy tea more carefully. The best way to do that is traumatize myself with an unforgettable mental and physical hell for a week or two. I take naltrexone so it makes it impossible for me to dose.

Make no mistake, I'll be redosing, but only after withdrawal subsides. I'm using NMDA things like Magnesium and therapeutic doses of DXM dosed 4-6 hours to lower tolerance. May as well take advantage of the situation. The cramps are the worst. I have benzos as potent as Flunitrazepam and Triazolam to put me to sleep if insomnia gets too bad, but I don't mind the insomnia too much. I am unemployed and have no schedule to keep. So what if I stay up for 2-3 days. I'll use H1 Antagonists first such as Diphenhydramine for sleep if need be.

Diarrhea? A colon cleaning has been long overdue. After THAT subsides I'll eat yogurt to restore colon health, all that beneficial bacteria and all. And of course I know to stay hydrated during extended diarrhea phases.

Let it hit me full wrath so I know the price, so I know the dark side FIRST HAND. COME AT ME.

Amazon Kindle and Stephen King's library (almost, missing a few bits here n there) on it is a GREAT way to make time pass by FAST even with such a state. Or sink yourself into a video game RPG with an enveloping story, or watch old shows with 5 or more seasons. It all makes the time go faster. The less you dwell on time the fast one day fades into another.

JWH-122: (Pass): This one hit the jackpot as far as cannabinoids go. A dose is tiny, like 2-3 mg, and it lasts way longer than 250 or any other synthetic cannabinoid I’ve tried. A normal dose lasts me 1-2 hours and I’ve had large doses last over 3 hours. The feeling and duration is similar to real weed, and definitely good enough if real weed isn’t an option. Friends that have used it who also smoke real weed find it enjoyable. One thing that I don’t know is whether it shares any common metabolites with JWH-018 or JWH-073. The molecule is very similar, but I can’t find any data that shows how 122 metabolizes. If you are tested for 018 and 073, you might want to proceed with caution, or see if you can get an independent test done. Get a friend to use some and piss in a cup and then find a lab that will test for it. I know Redwood Toxicology tests for 018 and 073, but I don’t know if they do tests for individuals.

RCS-8=SR-18: (Pass): This synthetic cannabinoid blows. I’ve smoked huge piles of it and I only get a little high. I got it on sale, but it’s not even worth the money I paid for it. If you get some for free, be prepared to measure your doses with a shovel. Once you use enough, it feels alright and lasts for an hour. Chemically, it’s similar to JWH-250, but 250 was way better. I haven’t tried it yet, but 203 is also similar to 250, and it’s supposed to be pretty good.

Methylone: (Fail-amphetamine): I got to try this one once because I had a week where I knew I wasn’t going to be tested. I was quite disappointed when I saw a single line come up on a drug test I took on my own. We could have had a good relationship When I used it, I combined it with MDAI when I went skiing once. It was fucking fun. If methylone is still legal when I get done with this shit, I’m definitely going to revisit it. However, I’ve read online that it passes with some tests, so have someone test dummy it for you and maybe you’ll get lucky.

2-methyl-2-butanol: (Pass): I’m not tested for alcohol, but from what I’ve read online, this would almost certainly pass an alcohol test too, as there’s no way this gets metabolized into ETG like ethanol does. However, as a drug, I find 2m2b to be kinda lame. It feels similar to being drunk, but it puts me right to sleep. It would be useless in a party setting, which to me is where it would otherwise best be used. It also tastes like shit, but if you dilute a half milliliter in a shot glass full of water, it goes down okay. If you can get it cheap from a legit chemical company, it might be worth it. However, you’re wasting your money if you get it off a “research chemical” site. A dose of 5 ml is similar to 3-4 ethanol drinks. One good thing is that there doesn’t seem to be much of a hangover.

Methylphenidate: (Pass): First off, methylphenidate is illegal if you don't have a prescription. If you don't want to break the law, either get a prescription or skip it. However, that is your problem, not mine. For those who don't know, methylphenidate is the drug in Ritalin and Concerta. Anyway, it passes the drug tests I use. I've read stuff on the internet where people claim they had it show as amphetamine though so be careful. As for the drug itself, 18 mg works great for studying and test taking and 36 mg goes great in combination with MDAI in my opinion.

2C-I: (Pass): 2C-I passes all the tests and thank god, because if it didn't, I'd have a hard time not using it. A lot of the other drugs I've found can be considered slightly worse alternatives to the real thing, like JWH compared to weed for example. However, 2C-I is a legitimate drug in its own right. I would say that it would make a great first psychedelic. It basically makes you feel really good and you get amazing visuals. It isn't a mindfuck, and I can't see anyone having a bad trip with it as long as a moderate dose is used. I find 18 mg to be sufficient. I might push it a little, but it has always been strong enough at 18 mg. I also combined it with MDAI once, and it was one of the best trips/rolls I've ever had. You feel really good, you love everyone and everything, and you get purple globs shooting across the ceiling like comets. If that isn't magical, I don't know what is. The next day, I was a little sleep deprived and out of it but it wasn't that bad and it was definitely worth it. I would recommend taking the MDAI a few hours after the 2C-I because 2C-I lasts like 7-9 hours for me. Try the combo and thank me later.

Well, that’s all the stuff I’ve used since I found myself in this shit. If anyone has any questions, feel free to PM me. I’ll be glad to help.

im not happy in need help to kno how tlo post up on here i have sum gud stuff some won help me plz

i don't think i cried quite so much today. i sure feel like it. told u i've been trying singles sites. i've never had much luck with those but we'll see. nobody's going to be able to replace you in anyone else's life either. we sure didn't discuss the finality of a relationship due to a partner passing away. I miss your voice. i think i'll listen to your messages again tonight. baby, you may have missed me at times, but never as bad as i've missed you. bereavement counseling hopefully will help. but i'm definitely scarred for life. dammit, tammie! you were being selfish and look where it got you!
besides me, who else grieves as much or loves you as much or even thinks about you as much. i could've been everything to you. i wanted to and i'd sure have tried.
i love you.

i went to bereavement today for the first time. I'm gonna cry a lot. For now and my future. our future. I still love you very deeply, Tammie..

on a ship with people who are supposed to be my family. it's like in the time when the pilgrims came to the americas, though we are dressed in normal clothes. all these indians are trying to kill us but we just stay inside behind the cloths and it seems fine.

we make it across the river but then we go down a fast chute and there is an ambush. i have to kill a lot of indians with the end of a ham bone. their flesh is weirdly squishy and it's really gross. we let a lot of people onto our ship. this weird guy who looks blind is offering to build a salt alter. i want to let him on but i figure my family won't want him.

there is all this stuff we can grab passing by, like grocery store shelves. it's all frivolous like meat rubs and random seasonings.

we are off the ship and in a storage room of floors. we're on top of this arab bulgar wheat flour and we see a guy eating kernels of corn and a girl starts interrogating the little guy, but he speaks spanish, so the suspicion is removed.

i wake up and realize i set my alarm to PM lolol fuck

if it wouldn't be such a burden on my family, i'd join u. but then u'd be up there with the love of your life and i'd be in hell. although i hope you found him, i hope u didn't/don't forget me. maybe somehow you know that i'm in misery. everyday. maybe you're infinite darkness. i don't know because i think i feel a prescence nearby quite a bit in my room. if it's supernatural, it could be my grandad.
got some grandaddy purp * white (not widow) but something like that. it's a pretty good buzz, i guess. Tam, you're never far from my mind. never.
as i've said, i'll never forget you! even if i do find someone to be with, i'll love you too.
oh, Tam!

i've been done wrong by 3 different women since i met you.
none of them would have worked. Youl loss really fucked me up! Never have I never deveoped such love, so intense. If I ever get married, I'm going off somewhere and crying for what we had in store in life. Sure, there's a chance for everyone. I hope you weren't it!

I've already cried about you today. Well, it's night, but i've already cried tonight. Nothing's going to stop me from crying.
I met the biggest lying bitch on the net and she got my hopes up but she couldn't stay off singles sites, even while we chatted. I at least show that respect.