I am a bit disappointed in myself for these (mainly mental) panic attacks. I hate that Ive been afraid most of my life. I hate that I'm scared to death of doing anything outside my safety zone. I was not working 4 nights because the girl I take care of was in the hospital. I could of worked a 12 hr shift making way more money Thursday night, but the panic started when i visualized the usual awkward dumb ass unpleasant as hell feeling like a fish out of water. This patient will have meds, treatments, and shit Im not familiar with. I retain memory and learning through touch or having done it a few times, unlike most people that learn by watching. I recalled too many times how humiliating it felt to feel like a complete idiot and how sometimes if called to do something I havent done in a while, while being forced to look like a jack ass because some fuckheads are observing me, which freaks me out big time. I do best going over unused skills by practicing or rehearsing ALONE. In fact people make me fuckin nervous and I always learn whatever alone. People often times fuck it all up for me by standing over my shoulder which I HATE. I should have taken the shift, but fear did a number on me and really fucked with my mind. I hate that the only thing that makes me do something i dont want to do is the fear of not doing something exceeds the fear of doing it. Im so disgusted with myself and my dumb ass fucked up fear, save for the times when logic or common sense warrants it. Once back in 1998, this rich dude I met off some date line came and picked me up in a limo. He was 31, VERY successful, rich, and liked to party. I had never tried X, but was too old for the Rave scene and even if I had known where one was, theres no way in hell I would of gone, at least not without being accompanied by a group of younger people and preferrably someone my own age or I would have felt like an idiot. Ironically, I read that others that felt like I did had those feelings vanish when the X kicked in and the younger crowd also would be welcoming under the influence of X. LOL. Yeah I bet they (we) would, but that opportu.ity never came and this rich, horny, white, young business tycoon had been the first person ever to supposedly have access.
I tried talking him into letting me have a pill, as I was leary of finding out the effects with a bunch of rich horny guys maybe, but of course he said he didnt have any on him but that I could try it once we got to this party somewhere in LA. He told me he would drive me to this party in his limo and take me home too, all the while wouldnt stop talking about his dick and how horny he was and kept asking very personal questions as to what sort of wild and crazy things I was wiling to do sexually. That whole sexalogue was a deal breaker for me and as much as I wanted to experience X, my mind screamed at me there is NO way I am going off with some horny sex crazed stranger to God knew where with God knew who, how many other people I didnt know being dependent on him to get home and uh uh no way. For all I knew it could of been a damn gang bang being doped up with some date rape drug perhaps, possibly even killed. Rich business men would have the means and contacts to be able to pull off some act that would be at my expense, end of story. No one knew where I had gone, with who, or even if I had told my friend Dave as a safety measure as I did in times of NOT wanting a lecture, but some safety or justice by giving Dave the information. Anyone else would have told me I was nuts and what the hell is thematter with me blah blah. Common sense won out and Im glad. At the restaurante, he wanted an answer, so I told him I decided not too, sorry. I wasnt at all
comfortable with the whole thing and seeing as how the guy couldnt and wouldnt talk about anything other than sex even after I told him I was not at all on his wave length, as far as I was concerned was a BIG RED FLAG by itself. Going off with that man is a REAL bad idea," i told myself. In times like that, there is reason to fear. I just freaken HATE all the counterproductive fear whether its doing a new job, looking for one, or like when I was in Dublin, Ireland back in 2001 I recall regreting not having any speed because being sober met being afraid to meet people, talk to strangers for being able to know where the hell I was going, and I got lost because I never know how to deal with people I dont know when Im clean and it can be fucking annoying at times. Of course thats one fear that chemicals helped me overcome, that is until they wear off.
I tried talking him into letting me have a pill, as I was leary of finding out the effects with a bunch of rich horny guys maybe, but of course he said he didnt have any on him but that I could try it once we got to this party somewhere in LA. He told me he would drive me to this party in his limo and take me home too, all the while wouldnt stop talking about his dick and how horny he was and kept asking very personal questions as to what sort of wild and crazy things I was wiling to do sexually. That whole sexalogue was a deal breaker for me and as much as I wanted to experience X, my mind screamed at me there is NO way I am going off with some horny sex crazed stranger to God knew where with God knew who, how many other people I didnt know being dependent on him to get home and uh uh no way. For all I knew it could of been a damn gang bang being doped up with some date rape drug perhaps, possibly even killed. Rich business men would have the means and contacts to be able to pull off some act that would be at my expense, end of story. No one knew where I had gone, with who, or even if I had told my friend Dave as a safety measure as I did in times of NOT wanting a lecture, but some safety or justice by giving Dave the information. Anyone else would have told me I was nuts and what the hell is thematter with me blah blah. Common sense won out and Im glad. At the restaurante, he wanted an answer, so I told him I decided not too, sorry. I wasnt at all
comfortable with the whole thing and seeing as how the guy couldnt and wouldnt talk about anything other than sex even after I told him I was not at all on his wave length, as far as I was concerned was a BIG RED FLAG by itself. Going off with that man is a REAL bad idea," i told myself. In times like that, there is reason to fear. I just freaken HATE all the counterproductive fear whether its doing a new job, looking for one, or like when I was in Dublin, Ireland back in 2001 I recall regreting not having any speed because being sober met being afraid to meet people, talk to strangers for being able to know where the hell I was going, and I got lost because I never know how to deal with people I dont know when Im clean and it can be fucking annoying at times. Of course thats one fear that chemicals helped me overcome, that is until they wear off.