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Sittin around kicking... thinking... Feeling... All those things I usually try to avoid. Playing a simified version of Nikola Tesla wishing Id been around in the late 1800's to see the world shine with his brilliance AND when you could buy cheap laudanum at the local chemists.

Waitin on a boy. A big scary wonderful boy I actually like who has loads of dope and other good things *wink* waitin for a good little junkie like myself. Korn... Its mood music I tell ya.

I dont really think Nikola Tesla wouldve liked me or perhaps he wouldve but I suppose he wouldnt have considered his fondness of me a good thing and I wouldve suffered the same fate as coffee and cigars haha. But it sure wouldve been epic just to hear his voice.

Im convinced I was pretty academic at some point in my history of lives. A history that haunts me in this life lol So perhaps I wouldve or did have the status to actually meet Mr. Super Inventor. I like to think so.

I really hate humanity

I told my Ex's Mother that I would drive her to the Rehab centre that my Ex is attending to avail of the Family programme. It happens to be the same place that I was and where I met him.
Was just looking at the map to get out there and Im dreading it.
This place was originally opened by a bunch of Nun's, you are forced to attend Mass Services everyday and most(not all) of the Councellors were ignorant, assholes that are into pontificating about the 'Big Book'.8) This place is so archaic, even looking at pictures they are all pic's of staff members with politicians etc I just feel nauseous thinking about it. There isnt isnt a great deal of choices of Rehab around and the only reason I ended up in there is because my Coke -fiend friend suggested a councellor to me who was an alcoholic and she suggested I go in there.
I naively accepted as I was at an exceptionally low ebb.

At the time I was pretty Depressed and lost but it really did nothing really for me(apart from experience alone I learnt not much except 12 step stuff, which was thought rigidly and religiously), think that is why I was drawn to my Ex there too, I had nothing in my life and Rehab confirmed for me just how hopeless everything was...he was an escape, I was desperate, shamed to say.

It is such a horrible memory, I actually lost a drastic amount of weight while in there because I was so frustrated that I didn't get the help I needed. I dont want to dramaticise this but im actually now scared of going back there.
My Ex's Mother is old at this stage, she is a sweet woman and would do anything for her Son(little that he does for her). I should have stuck my nose out but I just feel guilty, I dont know why...? I still feel kinda responsible for him I guess, that I didnt influence him better or something...I also want to be there for him but I cant, he just drags me under with his selfish bullshit(and I mean he just doesnt seem to care about anyone unless there is something for him to gain out of it, he is literally a baby and an angry, cold one at that, think he is in there to avoid court anyway as he is up for criminal damage and threatening his ex)...He is a cumpulsive, habitual liar and most of his reasons for doing things are for him to save his own ass from some trouble he got into.

Guess I thought as well that his Mother had something to do with his addiction, that she neglected him emotionally in some way- probably why I feel so guilty now, realising that is prob not the case.

He is so stunted, dont think I can face him anymore, it hurts too much. He is sociopathic, superficially charming and not much else. He has neglected EVERYONE in his life, literally. Not only that, he fucks everyone over in one way or another, it seems intentional at this stage, and he always picks himself up, always has the ability to patch his life up but leaves a path of misery for everyone else in his wake and though he apologises just after the shitstorms he never does anything to change/make ammends unless he is constantly being praised, even at that its all superficial and he only does it for attention(I dont say that lightly of people because I know how unfair that can be). When the attention is gone off him then he acts out again. He even attacked the guard who spoke in favour of him in court, he thinks everyone is 'a fool' except himself. I mean a 48 yr old who asks his 77 year old mother to do his laundry after he verbally abuses her? WTF?

In the few days before he went in to rehab, he took care of all his monetary affairs and left his Landlady(who used to pick him up drunk from pubs out of the goodness of her heart) without the money he owed her. All he cares about is fucking money and himself. His daughter hasnt known her Father at all because he felt she rejected him because she didnt maintain contact, yet he called to her house for beer without a thought. He still believes the world owes him a favour, he really feels like he is better and more entitled than everyone else. Makes me so angry.
Makes me worry about what I saw in him, I do think it is hormonal though, he is easy to 'look after' and that niche was in my life, what an idiot I was.

Cant wait for tomorrow evening.

I go home.
I drink.
I smoke spice, since it honestly gives me a better high than pot, and its legal, and it doesn't show on drug tests...and we get piss tested at random for work.
While high on both drugs I have the will to live that I barely have when I'm sober..problems aren't as large....I actually have some self confidence...
I come down.
I go to work.
While at work, I medicate myself with various stimulants, all legal cause they're either prescribed or OTC.
Repeat.
Dispersed throughout the day are fits of jealousy, depression, and rage. If you know me, you know why. If you don't, good.
I don't feel shame for the amount of substances I use, yet at the same time I do. The only part that feels bad is due to the part that listens to society and their expectations of people to refrain from drugs and shit, or at least not use them constantly.
Fuck that.
No one knows what I go through every fucking day.
Sometimes I wish I get so fucked up that I black out and 'accidently' kill myself, or something.
Drugs are the only thing giving me the will to live these days.

i got fucked over again. car all keyed up....said Fag on it too. i miss you. i still love you, baby. got on at the animal shelter, i hope. we'll see the 21st. dammit, tammie!

here's whats happening now:

after snorting 15 mg oxy my friend (who is pretty sensitive to drugs so she takes small amounts) she felt like it was a little too much..heart rate increased and felt like it was beating hard, dizzy and lightheaded, anxious, clammy skin, some blurred vision, and tingling in her fingers, arms, legs, and forehead. laying down she feels some pressure in her head. I think this is a sign of low bp? this has happened to her before but this time she"s more worried about it because she has gone thru some medical procedures and her body has been weaker. Has this happened to anyone, and what should she do? she is worried that it will get worse as time progresses and does not know if these are symptoms of a mild overdoes, or what the course of an oxy overdoes is like. If it was an overdoes would it pretty much happen right away or would symptoms get progressively worse? its been about an hour and a half since taking the evil stuff. thanks.

So Im very sad today. I somehow managed to miss almost an entire shot in my wrist. It hurt but since it usually stings quite a bit when I use my wrist I thought little of it and just made sure to flag a few times. Heres where I get confused. Every time I flagged I got a steady flow of blood and was totally confident that I was in. I realize that there are other factors that obviously must have played into the mishap but I usually dont have these problems so Im still a little sore about it (literally and figuratively). Too add insult to injury, the reason Ive been using my wrist (the left one) for the past couple of days is because Id ALREADY missed a small amount with a previous shot in my neck. Now, Im not a rookie and even back in the day I was uncannily good at finding veins and administering my shots in a pretty efficient way so this string of misfortunes is unnerving to say the least and makes me feel, to put it quite simply, bad. Since I missed a portion of the shot in the left side of my neck (a hurried situation where I was in a friends non-ignorant parents bathroom. Needed to be quick, clean and quiet and had already taken more time than I shouldve so pushed the plunger a little faster/harder than my vein could handle, mustve slipped out a bit at the end and was just too late to save it) Ive been using my wrist. For some reason the entire right side of my body has less reliable veins and even though the right side of my neck tends to yield a pretty decent and trusty vein its been on the fritz for the last couple days DESPITE my not having used it in well over a week. Grrr. Soooo Ive been hitting my left wrist, an absolute last resort that I was not even expecting to come to my rescue. But now the party is over and I dont even know what Im looking at. Havent tried to hit since I fucked my wrist all up and frankly I dont even know where Ill start. To make matters worse I have no clean rigs and although a trip to the exchange is in store for me tomorrow theres not too much I can do about it tonight Needless to say I dont have the resources to go raping myself with needles for five hours just to get a bedtime shot. Just a sad sad day, needed a rant.

It's not like I hate them or anything (although they can get pretty damn annoying). But my mom basically tricked me into thinking that I had to live with them for a few weeks to do this stupid work placement (although I did have other options). Then they won't even drive me to my boyfriend's on the weekend! All I want is an hour and a half drive from them on Friday and the same on Sunday to get me there and back. It is not that far! But no. They insist he drives me home. I hate it when people take advantage of him. Just because he has a car. No. He already lets me stay with him for the whole weekend and drives us around there. How much more should I ask for from him?

My parents, on the other hand. I make them supper, clean the house, and do the dishes. I go in a couple hours early for my work placement because my sister has to be somewhere early and it saves on driving and gas. I don't disrupt them or anything. I just want to make it through the week so I can get away on the weekend.

But they think they are doing me a favour? Okay, I get it, you let me stay at your house for a couple weeks. BUT you wanted me to. I never wanted to. Ugh.

Twelve days until I move out .... twelve days .... oh I am waiting ....

I had a job interview for a really cool financial analyst position this week. Don't know how it went, but it would be a dream job. Essentially, I would spend all day researching companies and the reports would be sold to third parties like investors and politicians. On Monday, I have another job interview for a loan officer position, which is not very cool, but it is better than working at a grocery store or a manufacturing plant.

I am losing my apartment this weekend and having to move into my mother's house, which is FUCKING HUMILIATING for me. I am also having to drive a total piece of shit 30 year old car since I am financially destroyed for real now, and unemployed. My pride, everything I've worked to preserve, is taking a massive hit. Things could be worse, but after having been successful in the past this is pretty bad for my self esteem.

I just have to maintain, and I am not even going to have enough money to self medicate during the toughest time in my life so far. This is a story that is not over, and I am hoping to God that I land at least one of these positions because I am 27 and the clock is ticking. I could turn into a permanent loser if I don't start winning again. I can feel it.

I realize that I'm not doing myself any favors by comparing myself to other people, but it's a difficult habit to kick. So many people who haven't had the opportunities I've had are passing me up in life. It is painful for me to feel my mind sinking deeper and deeper into this hole. I have been stagnant for close to 3 years now after finishing school. I feel like my potential, my energy to make my mark in the world, is eroding slowly and I don't know what to do about it.

My apartment is going to disappear if I don't start making money within the next few months. Last time I was in this position, I finally just took a job doing something a high school student could do and it crushed my soul every day until I was put on a quasi-permanent medical leave last month due to my near fatal overdose on the job.

There are so many good things about me. So many. But I'm just not out there shining like I used to. I used to be like a big ray of light. I am just so scared that the Sean I love, the Sean that everybody loves, is turning into a poor failure. I want out!

Well first entry to my blog I think, tried to post a couple of times via iPhone but I don't think they worked.
Day 6 off opiates, I was doing close to 300mg ( CWE round 10 panadeine extra at night and taking 9 tabs durin the day) daily over 4 mths and 12 beers on top of that each night at my peak.
I'm over the worst but today is going to be interesting.
It's mothersday and got a lot to do ( 2 kids, to pamper the missus and family comming round) but still feeling unmotivated, groggy.
The hard part is that this is my secret which no one knows about, so I've been using the flu excuse but that can only work for so long.

Anyway gotta go.

Have been abusing pills a lot more than usual. Definitely need to stop that because all I do is get fucked in the end. The withdrawal from Tramadol wasn't fun at all.... and the seizure I got from it. So stupid of me but I feel like all I want to do is get high until I'm six feet under. The truth is I don't and I'm trying so hard to get myself back together. It's just hard because school isn't going well (I hope I graduate), my best friend dies, divorce happening and so much other shit. Then on top of it I need to be there for my friend, who's mother is slowly dying from lung cancer. The chemo didn't work and surgery is not an option now so hopefully this round goes well or her mother is going to die. I feel so terrible because I don't know what to do.... All of this stress is getting really tiring and I don't know how much longer I can put up with it.

rejected again last night. it was all good until i talked about my hand....all previous week she sent me all sorts of bs gifts on facebook (not fb, lol =(..) i wish u'd appear out of nowhere and help me save me. i need you. i love you. i miss you.

Wash of a wash of a wash of a wash... The give/take nature of the relationship I have with my veins is beginning to teeter off balance. The utter lack of opiates inside of me right now is more than upsetting and given the current state of my world its simply an absence I cant afford. Ironic how as life begins to really ride the screwometer the less and less of a position youre in to get the drugs you need to deal with it. urgh
So here I begin the old 30 minute countdown. Popped a couple 7.5s, so life could be worse... and it probably is Im just less aware of it than I might be, and thats how I like it. While the ineffectiveness of hydros leaves something to be desired and the wait for kick-in is atrocious I cant help but be grateful for their humble availability. When the dope river runs dry...*shrug*

i was rejected again on facebook. i'm quitting that place. i miss you and love you, baby. always.

Does anyone know which jwh chemical is used to give the Kryptonite smoking blend its psychoactive effect? Any help would be very much appreciated! I can't seem to find any useful information online.

I'm beginning to see figures, shapes of all kinds.

Regular, irregular, simple, extremely complicated forms.

Humans do not have distinctions in their forms. They bend and twist and conform to the atmosphere. I cannot see them as clear-cut anymore. The trickery of my eyes deceive me to the point where most contact with others similar in my shape become distorted by this realization.

Shapes...

I would rather sit alone in my room shooting heroin all day. I mean I never done heroin but I am so close to hopelessness that this idea seems to be a legitimate one. I'm afraid that one day I might go through with it and I know after that there's probably no coming back.. Right now I am so lost. I have what I want and need infront of me and I can nearly grab ahold of it but I have yet to do so. All the chances to get better and I just let them all blow away. I guess knowing the fact I could easily end it all makes me feel at ease.

Tis difficult to do your wakeup drugs when you never went to sleep. Dilemma... Annnnd its just about 11:11. Have wish ready... I wish for some cash. Yes yes Im keeping it simple on this it seems a whole lot earlier than it actually is morning because ya know... Ive been making wishes twice a day for at least seven years and by golly perhaps theyve just been too complicated for the simple gods of two-a-day wishes to grant. PERHAPS Im trying to burn the forest down with a glowstick.. chucking these grandiose requests for time travel and soul revival at 11:11 when theyre better suited for a shooting star or some such thing.

Dope=good sleep and lots of it, No Dope=Bad blogs and lots of em. My fish seems to have a similar problem with sleep... minus the dope and the blogging.

I have an issue that I believe could be in this thread, please be patient with me. My situation is this, I do not have a bff or buddy that still gets or communicates experiences of the drug realm. So, I really have no one to talk to or do it with... About a month ago I decided to have my best friend (my husband whom I've dated for 11yrs and married for 3yrs) know about me and my choice on a controlled substance. Other than say the socially excepted ( cigarettes, coffee, weed, actual Rx, etc). He gave me his opinion and neither approved nor disapproved. However, it did become uncomfortable as he does look down on any controlled substance that could harm you on paper if caught(such as any encounter in a negative way with the authority system due to possession, intoxication etc.). So to make him feel better after debating every topic, I just told him that I would quit. Now I have, however I am a adult I can make my own choices, so I told him that I enjoy it and I can make these decisions for myself.
My point is I am going to do what I want to do, when I want to do it as long as I am holding my vows to him as a wife and vows to everyone as a friend, human being etc. Well, now I just do my own thing and omit the topic since no one like my answer(Because the answer is not what they want to hear).Is this necessarily wrong or what do you think about this issue? And I would really like to find contacts here so that I may have people to relate/socialize with on these issues.
Thank you, and sorry if this was confusing... You may asking anything you like, and I will decide and inform you whether I am able to disclose said information.

Spent all day moving for the too-manyeth-time to count. Managed to be decently smart with my medicine annnd even got a happy little surprise thanks to my dear sister who showed up with a couple points of heaven for me, whufuckinshoo.

Noooow I sit here with one 10 and one morphine and a very unstable will thats driven only by my sheer sheer hatred for morning sickness, and not the kind u get from bein prego. A 10 can prolly get me thru the night. Im pretty fucking wiped anyway. *sigh*

All I ever fucking wanted was to be normal.
I'd even take being ugly if it meant I had the one thing which I don't and never will. But I can't bear to think about that, cause it causes too much distress, bitterness, hatred.
I wish you knew what I was talking about.
Then again, I don't.
I don't tell anyone jack shit, its none of their business.
Most of the time, lately, I think I'm meant to suffer and eventually die, cause how the FUCK could anyone live with this? I understand some people can, but I can't deal with it. Its all wrong. My life is a mockery, a sick joke. I am bitter towards everyone. It haunts my every thought.
If only you fucking knew. No one can save me. Only money could.

finally feeling better than a couple of days ago. I still kind of have a stomach ache but not even nearly as bad as thursday. I learned my lesson and am never going to mess around with Tramadol ever again.

Laying in bed unsure of what I want and need in life. The clock reads 3:32 am but I am still wide awake. This is no different than all the nights before. I lay here alone in my bed wishing I had someone by my side. The feeling of loneliness is bothering me inside and I don't know why. Usually it doesn't matter but tonight it does.

Breathing is good. If powers the body, feeds the cells, and allows energy to move out of the body on command. Today, I have chosen to breathe more than normal. I feel a disruption inside, something is not quite right, but I am not sick. I will exercise and train harder, breathe deeper, and kill whatever challenges the flow of energies deep inside me.

This? This is my offshoot I suppose. I run a music blog, a political "awareness" blog, and a wellness/lifestyle blog, but rarely shout my own opinions or boast myself much. Sometimes all of the things categorized as "other" in my head need a place to go. This is that place.

A spirit trapped in a fleshy body I am, and what a strange, bizarre world this is. I am just here for the ride, and I intend to make it a good one.

Pura Vida!

About 12 hours ago I took a damned sub. And while its quite nice to not be kicking (i try to appreciate every minute I'm not sober) I can't help but feel put off... and a wee bit traitorous for ingesting this nasty little synthetic. Who the hell takes drugs orally these day anyhow??
Originally the goal was to do just this. Sit around in addict limbo so as not to devour ("devour" being a more ambiguous term so as to imply something other than oral administration) the two lovely little scraps of perfectly vintage opiate I have sitting on my dresser that desperately need to be saved for a later date. "Hey," I figured, "Since I am so lacking in self control then I ought to find some artificial means of inducing it." Such is my attitude toward many things in life.
In addition to being a terribly impulsive creature I am also a rather predictable one. So... here I sit as predicted wishing to the opiate gods that I could slam some morphine right this very minute.
Fortunately, complete stupidity has never been one of my many flaws and Im more than aware that I lack the resources to flush my very valuable morphine down the drain that is my currently inhospitable brain.
So here I sit...... counting the minutes until I can return with shame in my heart to the drug I betrayed and temporarily abandoned in an effort to save myself from the pain brought on by his absence. On this night, time exists simply to be waded through.