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was that all about? I don't even know how that happened so fast but tonight was one of the worst nights ever. EVER.

I took a few ambien last night, I'm sure some of you folks may have noticed... well this morning my bottle of ambien only had two left. I took 13 ambien. and I shot one of them. that's bad enough right? well my girl comes over today and just happens to open the bottle, flips out and obviously I have to tell her what happened. so she freaks out cause she's never been an addict and drugs is drugs to her so she's all like "OMG ur relapsing, I can't take this! we're done!!! omg omg!!!"

so I spend more than an hour trying to calm her down and explain that it was really just an accident and that ambien is obviously not the sleeping pill for me. I only remember taking 4 pills. then its a blank... oh yeah I had probably 5 or 6 beers before that too....

I'm really fucking stressed, I heard my stepfather and grandfather downstairs earlier talking ALL kinds of shit about me and my friend (who just got out of jail/rehab) calling us both junkie scum and all kinds of shit like that. talking about how he doesn't feel safe in his own home because of me and all sorts of other things that really hurt a guys feelings when you get right down to it...

so here's where I stand as of this moment. at my mothers house where I'm not wanted, I want to be with my girlfriend, at her house, but she's still pissed about the ambien and chalks it up to me being a drug addict still and pretty much doesn't think that's going to change. she said some CRAZY things, talking about packing a suitcase and just rolling out on me. just leaving and not telling anyone where she was going.....I'm rambling.... anyway, I want to be at her house, but she doesn't want me there. I don't want to be here, but have no choice....

shit like this makes you srsly contemplate just ending things for good. when it feels like everyone in your life would be happier if you were gone you know it's been a bad day...



dP needs a hug, bad....

Pain Medication Controversy
The pharmaceutical under-world is looking better and better as the overwhelming price of medication rises.We see today more than ever people searching the web for pharmaceutical facilitators.These are people
that have access to controlled medication via connection or pharmacy affiliation who subsidize there living
facilitating controlled medication for people with illness such as depression, anxiety,pain, ect....While the pharmaceutical industry prices continues to rise we project this happening more and more. Never the less
most of these back door medications shouldn't be discouraged but embraced do to the monopoly that the US
congressional laws which so conveniently protect the rights that the pharmaceutical lobbyist CLAW has on the common working man that needs a refill and has to go pay a doctor somewhere in the ball park of $60.00 to $100.00 for a consolation that for (one): isn't necessary (two): he can not afford and (three): served no purpose other than to extract payment from a person who most likely is already struggling just to get by.

Now before we go on lets discuss where these medications are from. In most cases these medications
are made in the same type of facilities that your average generic medications are made from as a matter of fact a great percentage pharmacies use the same distributors for there ingredients the difference is that they have lots of capital to insure the main stream media does not in anyway form or fashion put this information out to the public at large. Also its is not illegal to purchase medication online and bypass the doctor consultation fee because these are only controlled medications. So what is it that these super large pharmacies do not want you to know well Google it.Lets see if they truly have your best interest in mind..

Now in conclusion it is the right of every man to survive without being controlled as per his health
and life as long as it does not affect or cause harm to some one else.If you disagree comment I would love
to be proven wrong. The following is a list of controlled medication that can be mail to the comfort of
your home very discreetly through a verity of online pharmacies ........
http://painmedication4u.blogspot.com/

Before I had gotten that call on Good Friday,April 22nd I had been seriously considering taking a holiday.Now,usually,a"holiday"
for me involves a couple of months nodding off by the Lake in Cambodia.However,Cambodia isn't what it used to be.My love affair with the country began at the very end of the Khmer Rouge Era.In those days you could buy a great Chinese AK for 50 US,noone cared what you did.Though there was nothing there but cannabis the pharmacies were overflowing with morphine thanks to witless Western NGOs and so it was my kind of place.I have a penchant for places on the cusp of anarchy,hence my current home.

As the adage maintains,nothing lasts forever.The country is aspiring to be Thailand,and Thailand sucks.They have finally gone over the edge and enacted strict drug laws.Though enforcement is non-existent,eventually they won't be so desperate for the Dollar and then it is all over for Western Drug Tourism there.The death knell is on its way.

Fortunately I have licit sources for my substance of choice and so my flirtation with Drug Tourism is merely for a change of scenery.Therefore I have begun looking for an alternative destination where drugs will not be a factor.I think that I may just have found THAT special place.

The northern most province of the Philippines is Batanes.Composed of 10 tiny ("tiny"as in 3km wide and 9km long for the largest) islands,only 3 of which are inhabited,it sits just 100km off of Taiwan proper.The winter temprature can go as low as 7 Degrees Celsius (about 42 F) which is amazing for the Philippines.

Even better?It is dead centre in the Typhoon Belt.I love rain and large storms.The only thing better than a Tropical Storm are Mid-Strength Hurricane/Typhoon is a blizzard!Unlike the flimsy homes one sees all over the Philippines (like the photo I included in the entry"Photos of the Landslide in Pantukan") the homes in Batanes are constructed of large rocks,with walls 3 meters thick.It is EXACTLY my kind of place.

Travel to the province is iffy at best.There ARE infrequent ferries but the usual manner is by plane.These planes are incredibly old with props,and in inclement weather-which is perhaps 80% of the time-all air travel to the province is suspended.

The native tribe is the Ivatan whose language is close to Chinese.Though Catholic it was forced upon them by the Spanish and so they have very secretive yet culturally rich traditions.

20km away lies an island that belongs to Taiwan,Orchard Island.The tribe there,the Yami,are related to the Ivatan but are still Animists.The Japanese controlled Taiwan until WWII and made Orchard Island a human zoo.They forbade the Yami from travelling even to Batanes and at the same time forbade anyone from going to the island.Japanese Anthropologists studied the tribe and that was the extent of the interaction with outsiders.So,with my interests being what they are I am sure to find the area very interesting.

There are a few hotels in Batanes,even an incredibly expencive resort.I plan on doing a homestay though for about 45 US a month including 2 meals a day.Travel is about 140 US tound trip out of Manila by air.Take a few boxes of morphine and a few blister packs of oxycone for a change of pace and off I go.

I'm considering taking Joysa but I fear she would go bonkers by day 4.We will see...Ill include some photos in my next post.

Also,Betanes shouldn't be confused with another Filipino locale,"Batances."

Tolerance is a bitch.

Started out I'd drink most nights after work to ease off the muscle tension. Then it turned into emotional reasons. Then I discovered spice, aka "50 state legal blend", which is incredibly similar to pot in the high. So I'd smoke that while drinking. Then that got boring, or maybe I just got bored when I gained a tolerance to both drugs, seperate or together. So I added addys to the mix. Now I've been up awhile and no sleep in sight for today, if I go to sleep now, I won't wake up in time for work and that just can't happen. So it looks like its down to shoving stimulants down my throat today...and taking beta blockers to stifle the anxiety that may....who am I kidding...will ensue.

I remember back when it didn't bother me as bad.
Before I came as far as I can...only to find...that I will always live a nightmare as a result of some bullshit I never asked for.
Now every fucking second of every minute of everyday, I'm reminded. It won't go away. It can't. I'm humiliated. I'm ashamed. I'm repulsed. I feel violated. I'm living a lie. I can't wear shit normal people do. I can't do shit normal people do. Why am I even fucking alive.
Who am I kidding, no amount of money could fix this. I will always be stuck with this. I can't accept it, cause its not me.

"Why does everyone feel like my enemy? Don't want any part of depression or darkness. I've had enough, sick and tired. Bring the sun, or I'm gone. Or I'm gone."

I've included 1 aerial photo so you can see how precariously homes cling to hills in Mindanao.I've also included 1 photo of an average home,called a"nipa" (nee-Pah),after its primary building materiel,Nipa Palm Tree leaves.Built with a bamboo frame,nipa thatching for walls and nipa leaves or cogon grass for the roof.In the aerial photo you cann see a lot of blue roofs,those are cheap plastic tarps over grass or leaves to protect the inhabitants during rain.The homes are single roomed,not much larger than a Western jail cell,no plumbing or electricity.Most families have several children.

The Garmin 1450t is the first gps I've ever owned that I leave up all the time just to see it work. This is the third serious business purchase I've made in three months to offset the purposeful ditching of all-in-one phone devices that do everything merely okay.

This device, with the no questions asked warranty, cost about $200 and came with a screen protector and a fancy anti-friction pad that is really good. By itself it's cheaper and comes with an awesome windshield mount that works like nothing else (I just use this most of the time because I like the gps to the left of my head right next to the window, real close).

It is almost perfect. The tracking is fast, and the maps are accurate down to where you are in the parking lot. When you pull out of a parking lot and briefly increase speed on the road, the map will do a sort of elastic zoom out to find the best distance for how fast you're going, and it readjusts itself once in a while really smoothly like it is really a camera man.

Unlike other units (and especially phones with gps), this one keeps up with quick turns pretty much exactly as fast as you're moving. This speed translates to a smooth framerate, which is one of the reasons I like to just keep it on even when I don't need it. It's fun watching something be so competent.

One thing that really impressed me was the lane assist features for the freeways. While you're a couple miles away from the turn off, an outline of all of the possible turns is sitting in the top corner, with the correct ones highlighted. When you get close, a full portrait of what the signs look on a illustrated picture of what you see pops up and takes up the full screen with big arrows showing the correct lanes. It's easy for me to see why the map updates are such large downloads if they have this correct for every city in the U.S. It looks very cool to anyone who is in the passenger seat, how it just recreates visually exactly what is up ahead for about 7 seconds.

Maybe I'm behind the curve, but I was impressed by it's intimate knowledge of the speed limit for defy little street I am on. Even when the streets are arbitrarily 5 mph faster in real life despite being just like the surroundig streets in every way - the damn Garmin had the data. And of course next to the speed limit it shows how fast I'm going, with the numbers turning red when I'm speeding. All of this is done very quickly and IMO it would take a trained eye to see any lag between reality and the screen.

I really would like to see a gps with a game-like frame rate one day. This one has the best frame rate out of any gps I've ever owned, although I'm sure there are better ones out there for a lot more money.

...:.:

Nothing like around about trivialities as my personal life crumbles.

.......

Battery life on this thing is just awesome. I had charged it through the USB port overnight while it updated maps and software, and without plugging it in to the lighter socket in the car it has a one week battery life of average daily use on default settings.

This would make it the third thing I am very pleased with lately. First came the Nokia C3-01, a basic candy bar phone with an old school numerical keypad. Stainless steel, super thin, and 4 days of battery life proven with real use. Then came the 4th generation iPod touch, the most satisfying PDA/music player/Internet machine/Skype device I could ask for.

So tired I was of this trend, that of smartphones taking on more and more tasks while becoming increasingly ham fisted at all of them despite cramming good hardware into all of them. What will be the excuse when everything is dual core in 2011? Over-ambitious software design again? Since when had a lack of communication between hardware and software been an advantage? If everyone is going to end up imitating Apple for every new generation of throw-away Android phones, they might want to also copy the lack of choppiness in basic functions like swiping between desktops and pinching and zooming.

$3000 roughly damaged body....FAG written on my hood. if,if,if,if,if to infinity, if, you were still ALIVE, we'd already be together. i'm almost certain of that. we'd still be crazy about each other. i'd love you. i'd respect you. if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if ....hell, you may not have even liked me. but I can dream about it...and I do. Tam, i'm just so broken up over this. you ain't supposed to go before you're even 50. & my 93 year old gma still kickin'.....g-damn it!

nuf said

This past summer,2010,Mindanao endured a terrible drought courtesy of"El Nino."Whenever there is a Nino Summer,a"La Nina"Spring occurs the following year.In our case that means an early and very heave Northeast Monsoon.Having travelled widely I have yet to find a wetter place than South Asia during its Monsoon.

Mindanao is terribly wracked by illegal logging and an almost un-regulated Artisinal (Small Scale) Mining industry.Small Scale Miners aren't ornery old men with cute donkeys,panhandling for gold.In SE Asia they are ruthless people who usually use their wives and small children as unpaid labour.To extract precious metals they first denude entire hills of their timber to build giant sluices,or if tunneling, to use the wood for supports and ladders,selling all excess lumber which then fuels the illegal logging trade.Then they use fun stuff like cyanide and mercury to leech the tailings and get every last crumb of metal.

This wholesale abuse of the land takes its toll and so every Monsoon we see more and more landslides.The worst one I personally know of is the 2005 landslide in Leyte that buried 1700 villagers,including more than 1,000 children under the age of 10 whose schools were covered in 30 meters of dense mud and rock.

On Good Friday,April 22nd I was sitting in our kitchen,which like almost all rural Philippine kitchens sits outside under a corrugated zinc roof,enjoying the rain when my youngest brother in law ran to me breathlessly to tell me I had a call on my inlaw's landline.To my suprise I discovered the commanding officer of our town's garrison waiting to talk to me.We actually talk quite often regarding other matters but since neither his Company nor the paramilitary I'm involved with were operating the call was unexpected.He quickly informed me that there had been a bad landslide in the neighbouring municipality of Pantukan.At an Artisinal Mining site more than a hectare had moved to the bottom of the hill.Aside from the 7 mining tunnels inside the hillside itself there was a squatter community below it.

Although most Filipinos are Catholic it is a thin verneer.It is like the Catholicism of Haiti,or Cuba.Good Friday for the miners is an opportunity to sacrifice a pig or chicken to the deity of the underworld in each main tunnel.Beginning at midnite,it then devolves into drunken debauchery and so it was that more than 120 miners were inside the 7 main tunnels at 330AM when the hilltop quickly slid.Below the tunnel outlets,at the bottom of the hill,7 miner's homes and 2 bunkhouses for transients were blown apart by the impact and then quickly buried under 10 meters of mud.

The officer wanted to know if I would be willing to donate the use of my heavy equipment since almost all farming,construction and mining is done either manually or by carabao (water buffalo).Of course I agreed to lend a medium bulldozer and an excavator but didn't have any way of hauling them to the site since tour two 10 wheelers with hydraulic tilt beds were in a convoy on the other side of the island hauling rice.Calling me back in 15 minutes the officer asked me to move the pieces out to the hiway,3km distant and the military would pick them up.Finally arriving on the hiway I was shocked when I heard the sound of rotors.The Philippine Air Force (PAF) doesn't operate in inclement weather unless an absolute emergency is taking place and even then usually won't do so.I was even more shocked when the copter began to set down on the hiway (when I say"hiway"I mean a 2 lane paved road with little traffic.Filipinos walk down its centre,that's how few people utilise it).Apparently they thought that I would allow them to tow my pieces.When a copter tows they use a heavy duty copter with 4 chains underneath.The copter then carries the piece under it,just so.This being the Philippines I would never be indemnified if they landed hard,a chain snapped or an insurgent fired an RPG or machinegun (50 cal and 60MM would destroy it).I told them it wasn't going to happen .Angry,there wasn't much they could do.Trying to help,realising lives might hang in the balance I did offer to make some calls to some friends who may be able to lend a hand.I have a mate who manages the base camp of Russell Mining and National Development.Russell is a US-based multi-national and the base camp is a mere 4km from Barangay Kingking,the section in Pantukan where the disaster took place.I called,of course he complied and sent over 1 D9,a dozer with a 4.5 meter wide blade.I also called Apex Mining as well a 2nd multi-national and they sent a crew of labourers and an engineer.A person might imagine that the town's mayor might have done these things but not in the Philippines.

I spent 5 days out there,but we only recovered 14 bodies and rescued 9.Officially there are 8 people missing so that the death toll is 22,or so the government says.The truth of the matter is that well over 120 died there.We even have the names and addresses but the government minimalises such things to avoid Senate Panels and Congressional Hearings (the government is modeled on the American system,pity them.

I will get the rest in my next post,though my following post will be a few photos of the disaster.

I'm feeling like utter shit. I haven't smoked meth for a couple of days and I'm now passing the "coming down" stage and entering the dreaded "withdrawal" stage. Getting restless, anxious, depressed, grumpy as hell, blah blah blah.

The worst part is that I have $200 tucked away, all ready to spend, but I'm meeting a friend early next week who's a recovering addict and I don't wanna be using (or obviously coming down) while I'm hanging out with her. It ain't easy, but I'm gonna try to hang in there. There's an NA meeting tonight which I'm planning to go to for a bit of support.

I've been dosing up on clonazepam to numb the withdrawals, which does help. Unfortunately I'm so tolerant to this stuff that I need a huge dose (much more than my prescribed dose) for it to work. Still, benzos are a godsend when you're in the middle of meth withdrawals. If I didn't have any, I'd be going totally crazy right about now.

Thursday, May 12, 2011 8:30am
Starting Blog today
Attempting to quit daily use of narcotics by weening myself off w/ the drug stash I currently have. I hope to not purchase any more. I do not have any funds at the moment and feel bad enough about the money I have to borrow from my fiance to keep making my monthly payments on debt and my phone bill, not to mention room and board. Anyways this is my first time making a blog so bear with me.

Smoking a bowl, bout to share a half a cig with my girl then brush my teeth and use the last of my white strips. Watching Sportscenter.

i started writing this earlier in the week and never got back to finishing it. the crazy thing is that i am now moving very shortly.

my husband got a job offer yesterday and starts in 3 weeks. its crazy to think i was whining about wanting to move earlier this week and not freaking out about how quickly he (we) need to move.
____________________________________
i am getting really annoyed at people questioning why i want to move. its pretty, i have wanted to leave this area since i graduated college. at the time, i was content to move anywhere that is not here. while that still holds true, i really want to move back to the pacific northwest.

as for the first part, there are lots of things i dislike about living here. one point is my parents. we get along better than i did while growing up but i am never going to see eye to eye with my mother on many things. when i lived out of state, we had far less fights about stupid issues. currently, she likes to gossip to people about my marriage and motivations for moving to seattle. she will get upset when i call them to do something, because i did not call for every inane thing i do. and i've posted on here before about not feeling close to my extended family. i feel just as uncomfortable in a room of first cousins or a room of total strangers.

i also feel really stagnant here. i feel lazy saying teaching is all i can do, but it is for a job i can get with minimal effort. i could try to aggressively market myself for other positions or finish my masters around here. but it won't get rid of my desire to leave ohio. moving did not fix a lot of issues i have, but i still felt more content than i do here.

part of it is from friends. i feel like many friends in ohio see J and as i one person. or accept the other because they are friends with one of us. i feel like the people i know in seattle know just me. and that makes me feel more comfortable around them. which means i feel less odd about hanging out.

A lifetime ago I was watching Berserk with some lover whose name I cant remember and when he severed his own hand to save the girl he loved and I turned to my own lover whose time with me was limited and said "Youre my Guts but you wouldnt do that for me."
He replied "Its just a TV show."
Time slowed down. It isnt just a TV show. Its not. I wouldve cut off my head for him. And latter I considered trying just so that I could forget him. Love is cruel to the devoted. It tears out our souls then turns us into villains.

Sittin around kicking... thinking... Feeling... All those things I usually try to avoid. Playing a simified version of Nikola Tesla wishing Id been around in the late 1800's to see the world shine with his brilliance AND when you could buy cheap laudanum at the local chemists.

Waitin on a boy. A big scary wonderful boy I actually like who has loads of dope and other good things *wink* waitin for a good little junkie like myself. Korn... Its mood music I tell ya.

I dont really think Nikola Tesla wouldve liked me or perhaps he wouldve but I suppose he wouldnt have considered his fondness of me a good thing and I wouldve suffered the same fate as coffee and cigars haha. But it sure wouldve been epic just to hear his voice.

Im convinced I was pretty academic at some point in my history of lives. A history that haunts me in this life lol So perhaps I wouldve or did have the status to actually meet Mr. Super Inventor. I like to think so.

I really hate humanity

I told my Ex's Mother that I would drive her to the Rehab centre that my Ex is attending to avail of the Family programme. It happens to be the same place that I was and where I met him.
Was just looking at the map to get out there and Im dreading it.
This place was originally opened by a bunch of Nun's, you are forced to attend Mass Services everyday and most(not all) of the Councellors were ignorant, assholes that are into pontificating about the 'Big Book'.8) This place is so archaic, even looking at pictures they are all pic's of staff members with politicians etc I just feel nauseous thinking about it. There isnt isnt a great deal of choices of Rehab around and the only reason I ended up in there is because my Coke -fiend friend suggested a councellor to me who was an alcoholic and she suggested I go in there.
I naively accepted as I was at an exceptionally low ebb.

At the time I was pretty Depressed and lost but it really did nothing really for me(apart from experience alone I learnt not much except 12 step stuff, which was thought rigidly and religiously), think that is why I was drawn to my Ex there too, I had nothing in my life and Rehab confirmed for me just how hopeless everything was...he was an escape, I was desperate, shamed to say.

It is such a horrible memory, I actually lost a drastic amount of weight while in there because I was so frustrated that I didn't get the help I needed. I dont want to dramaticise this but im actually now scared of going back there.
My Ex's Mother is old at this stage, she is a sweet woman and would do anything for her Son(little that he does for her). I should have stuck my nose out but I just feel guilty, I dont know why...? I still feel kinda responsible for him I guess, that I didnt influence him better or something...I also want to be there for him but I cant, he just drags me under with his selfish bullshit(and I mean he just doesnt seem to care about anyone unless there is something for him to gain out of it, he is literally a baby and an angry, cold one at that, think he is in there to avoid court anyway as he is up for criminal damage and threatening his ex)...He is a cumpulsive, habitual liar and most of his reasons for doing things are for him to save his own ass from some trouble he got into.

Guess I thought as well that his Mother had something to do with his addiction, that she neglected him emotionally in some way- probably why I feel so guilty now, realising that is prob not the case.

He is so stunted, dont think I can face him anymore, it hurts too much. He is sociopathic, superficially charming and not much else. He has neglected EVERYONE in his life, literally. Not only that, he fucks everyone over in one way or another, it seems intentional at this stage, and he always picks himself up, always has the ability to patch his life up but leaves a path of misery for everyone else in his wake and though he apologises just after the shitstorms he never does anything to change/make ammends unless he is constantly being praised, even at that its all superficial and he only does it for attention(I dont say that lightly of people because I know how unfair that can be). When the attention is gone off him then he acts out again. He even attacked the guard who spoke in favour of him in court, he thinks everyone is 'a fool' except himself. I mean a 48 yr old who asks his 77 year old mother to do his laundry after he verbally abuses her? WTF?

In the few days before he went in to rehab, he took care of all his monetary affairs and left his Landlady(who used to pick him up drunk from pubs out of the goodness of her heart) without the money he owed her. All he cares about is fucking money and himself. His daughter hasnt known her Father at all because he felt she rejected him because she didnt maintain contact, yet he called to her house for beer without a thought. He still believes the world owes him a favour, he really feels like he is better and more entitled than everyone else. Makes me so angry.
Makes me worry about what I saw in him, I do think it is hormonal though, he is easy to 'look after' and that niche was in my life, what an idiot I was.

Cant wait for tomorrow evening.

I go home.
I drink.
I smoke spice, since it honestly gives me a better high than pot, and its legal, and it doesn't show on drug tests...and we get piss tested at random for work.
While high on both drugs I have the will to live that I barely have when I'm sober..problems aren't as large....I actually have some self confidence...
I come down.
I go to work.
While at work, I medicate myself with various stimulants, all legal cause they're either prescribed or OTC.
Repeat.
Dispersed throughout the day are fits of jealousy, depression, and rage. If you know me, you know why. If you don't, good.
I don't feel shame for the amount of substances I use, yet at the same time I do. The only part that feels bad is due to the part that listens to society and their expectations of people to refrain from drugs and shit, or at least not use them constantly.
Fuck that.
No one knows what I go through every fucking day.
Sometimes I wish I get so fucked up that I black out and 'accidently' kill myself, or something.
Drugs are the only thing giving me the will to live these days.

i got fucked over again. car all keyed up....said Fag on it too. i miss you. i still love you, baby. got on at the animal shelter, i hope. we'll see the 21st. dammit, tammie!

here's whats happening now:

after snorting 15 mg oxy my friend (who is pretty sensitive to drugs so she takes small amounts) she felt like it was a little too much..heart rate increased and felt like it was beating hard, dizzy and lightheaded, anxious, clammy skin, some blurred vision, and tingling in her fingers, arms, legs, and forehead. laying down she feels some pressure in her head. I think this is a sign of low bp? this has happened to her before but this time she"s more worried about it because she has gone thru some medical procedures and her body has been weaker. Has this happened to anyone, and what should she do? she is worried that it will get worse as time progresses and does not know if these are symptoms of a mild overdoes, or what the course of an oxy overdoes is like. If it was an overdoes would it pretty much happen right away or would symptoms get progressively worse? its been about an hour and a half since taking the evil stuff. thanks.

So Im very sad today. I somehow managed to miss almost an entire shot in my wrist. It hurt but since it usually stings quite a bit when I use my wrist I thought little of it and just made sure to flag a few times. Heres where I get confused. Every time I flagged I got a steady flow of blood and was totally confident that I was in. I realize that there are other factors that obviously must have played into the mishap but I usually dont have these problems so Im still a little sore about it (literally and figuratively). Too add insult to injury, the reason Ive been using my wrist (the left one) for the past couple of days is because Id ALREADY missed a small amount with a previous shot in my neck. Now, Im not a rookie and even back in the day I was uncannily good at finding veins and administering my shots in a pretty efficient way so this string of misfortunes is unnerving to say the least and makes me feel, to put it quite simply, bad. Since I missed a portion of the shot in the left side of my neck (a hurried situation where I was in a friends non-ignorant parents bathroom. Needed to be quick, clean and quiet and had already taken more time than I shouldve so pushed the plunger a little faster/harder than my vein could handle, mustve slipped out a bit at the end and was just too late to save it) Ive been using my wrist. For some reason the entire right side of my body has less reliable veins and even though the right side of my neck tends to yield a pretty decent and trusty vein its been on the fritz for the last couple days DESPITE my not having used it in well over a week. Grrr. Soooo Ive been hitting my left wrist, an absolute last resort that I was not even expecting to come to my rescue. But now the party is over and I dont even know what Im looking at. Havent tried to hit since I fucked my wrist all up and frankly I dont even know where Ill start. To make matters worse I have no clean rigs and although a trip to the exchange is in store for me tomorrow theres not too much I can do about it tonight Needless to say I dont have the resources to go raping myself with needles for five hours just to get a bedtime shot. Just a sad sad day, needed a rant.

It's not like I hate them or anything (although they can get pretty damn annoying). But my mom basically tricked me into thinking that I had to live with them for a few weeks to do this stupid work placement (although I did have other options). Then they won't even drive me to my boyfriend's on the weekend! All I want is an hour and a half drive from them on Friday and the same on Sunday to get me there and back. It is not that far! But no. They insist he drives me home. I hate it when people take advantage of him. Just because he has a car. No. He already lets me stay with him for the whole weekend and drives us around there. How much more should I ask for from him?

My parents, on the other hand. I make them supper, clean the house, and do the dishes. I go in a couple hours early for my work placement because my sister has to be somewhere early and it saves on driving and gas. I don't disrupt them or anything. I just want to make it through the week so I can get away on the weekend.

But they think they are doing me a favour? Okay, I get it, you let me stay at your house for a couple weeks. BUT you wanted me to. I never wanted to. Ugh.

Twelve days until I move out .... twelve days .... oh I am waiting ....

I had a job interview for a really cool financial analyst position this week. Don't know how it went, but it would be a dream job. Essentially, I would spend all day researching companies and the reports would be sold to third parties like investors and politicians. On Monday, I have another job interview for a loan officer position, which is not very cool, but it is better than working at a grocery store or a manufacturing plant.

I am losing my apartment this weekend and having to move into my mother's house, which is FUCKING HUMILIATING for me. I am also having to drive a total piece of shit 30 year old car since I am financially destroyed for real now, and unemployed. My pride, everything I've worked to preserve, is taking a massive hit. Things could be worse, but after having been successful in the past this is pretty bad for my self esteem.

I just have to maintain, and I am not even going to have enough money to self medicate during the toughest time in my life so far. This is a story that is not over, and I am hoping to God that I land at least one of these positions because I am 27 and the clock is ticking. I could turn into a permanent loser if I don't start winning again. I can feel it.

I realize that I'm not doing myself any favors by comparing myself to other people, but it's a difficult habit to kick. So many people who haven't had the opportunities I've had are passing me up in life. It is painful for me to feel my mind sinking deeper and deeper into this hole. I have been stagnant for close to 3 years now after finishing school. I feel like my potential, my energy to make my mark in the world, is eroding slowly and I don't know what to do about it.

My apartment is going to disappear if I don't start making money within the next few months. Last time I was in this position, I finally just took a job doing something a high school student could do and it crushed my soul every day until I was put on a quasi-permanent medical leave last month due to my near fatal overdose on the job.

There are so many good things about me. So many. But I'm just not out there shining like I used to. I used to be like a big ray of light. I am just so scared that the Sean I love, the Sean that everybody loves, is turning into a poor failure. I want out!

Well first entry to my blog I think, tried to post a couple of times via iPhone but I don't think they worked.
Day 6 off opiates, I was doing close to 300mg ( CWE round 10 panadeine extra at night and taking 9 tabs durin the day) daily over 4 mths and 12 beers on top of that each night at my peak.
I'm over the worst but today is going to be interesting.
It's mothersday and got a lot to do ( 2 kids, to pamper the missus and family comming round) but still feeling unmotivated, groggy.
The hard part is that this is my secret which no one knows about, so I've been using the flu excuse but that can only work for so long.

Anyway gotta go.