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No! Throwing up on MDMA does not necessarily mean you're irresponsible! In fact, I am very responsible with drugs, for the most part. MDMA is my drug of choice. It just makes me throw up!

If I take half of an mdma pill, it will make me throw up. And then I will barely feel the results anyway. So I usually take one pill to start off with and then redose a bit later, or two to start off with. Quite a few other people that I know (mostly female) have the same thing happen to them. To us, it just comes with the territory.

It really bothered me the other day when this guy came up to me and started telling me how I was eating too much mdma or getting bad pills. He's all like "you throw up every time you're here" (at a specific club). I'm like yeah, no shit I do, I always throw up on mdma. Tested and non tested pills (yes, I was an idiot before). He's just accusing me of being irresponsible. I'm pretty sure I'm one of the most responsible people there about drugs.

Yeah, that just kind of bothered me. I know I look young and foolish and stuff. But I do my research (thank you Bluelight! and other sources) and I really do know what I'm getting into!

wish you were around for 4/20. if we weren't already together, we'd at least have celebrated on the phone. I found more pics of you on the net the other day...may've been on 4/20.
i've been able to talk about you without tearing up but not today. just thinking about you does it today.
i wish i knew what happened from about 4 hours before your death on. i wish i was with you then. i might even have prevented your death. i wish i knew if you ODed or what. and I wish I knew your thoughts then. i hope i wasn't the cause. surely not. we had some soul-bonding love making to do.

Irregular suboxone use, last use 30 hours ago. Can I expect to get high off the norco that's waiting for me at the pharmacy?? Share your ideas & experiences with me...

Okay so I am going to try to sum this blog up pretty quickly without making it too long. So I started using painkillers on the daily about 1 year ago, I was taking anywhere from 4-6 lortab/percocet 10's a day. I know I know it doesn't seem like much but when I tryed to quit CT I experienced horrible withdrawal symptoms. I continued using more and more because I didn't want to get sick ect ect.. So finally I had gotten sick of it and I wanted to do something about it. My friend mentioned to me that he went on suboxone (his opiate use was simmiler to mine) and he was off opiates with in a week of using subs. Now he is off everything completely. So I was alright I'm going to do the same thing he did and starts using subs to get through the withdrawals no problem. No, this did not work...I used about 4mgs of sub strips for about 6 days now, I thought I would be over withdrawals and I could go on my merry way. Apparently it doesn't work at all because after the 6 days of suboxone detox I was still getting withdrawal symptoms when the subs wore off. Please if anyone has any input on this matter please help me out. I don't know what to do. I'm sick of being sick, I just want my life back...please no haters.

I won't play mommy to you or your friends,
I won't pull you towards me when your distracted.

I won't do your share and my share too
I've got enough bi-polar exposure to last a life or two.

It's a life-long commitment to fix broken boys,
and it's one I didn't sign up for, yeah, fuck being coy-
so now that there are no pink elephants left
Have fun with your phone, and all that half-assed phone sex.

War only fucks a girl to pretend she's the Captain.

If I have questions where do I post them? Here? If I want to bitch and rant like an emo kid during the ol' live journal phase do I do it here?

well I have a basic drug concern. I've been on MMT(120MG/day) for the past 6 months and was doing some little wiki reading on seroquel and under the recreational portion of the article it mentioned a specific euphoric interaction between methadone and seroquel. I tried verifying the source but w/ wiki it's pretty much hit or miss (i still luv it). I want some other opinions (more than the "blah fuck seroquel blah not recreational blah snort blah filler lung bad blah blah) I railed 12.5 mg (something I don't do on the regular) and I felt pretty chill. Sort of like smoking a .2 spliff of some northern cali mid grade w/ my dose.

I'll find a way to post up my Q and get some flamin' replies.

As for blogging...nursing school is hard as fuck but there are moments you sometimes get when you're able to make just a slight smile on someone so agonizingly terminal. (the small times where i realize i really do want to live). a lot of other times there's just so much grief, abandonment, and painful death that being a naturally sensitive and emotional person (bipolar II) I'm having to learn the skill of properly balancing desensitization w/ empathy. I hope I make it.

Its hard to know what to write.
I would be happy never to have to engage in any social situation again.
I was so full of resentment and self pity this weekend, I could not get out of my own head. I should have left the party early but it seems like some part of me wanted everyone to see what a mess I was.
I am a mess. I tried to sit there and act like everything was fine but I felt like I was going to break and then having not ate much in a week coupled with ridiculous amounts of wine...everything snowballed. I went to the dark side. Sick of self pity and lack of confidence.
The event that was on was a family friend's pre-wedding bash.
I cant even remember all of it but...


Also before the meal, my ex's family had rang me they told me he was missing and his car was found abandoned.
Ironically, I was staying at a hotel in an area we used to frequent during the summers.
It was too much.
They found him today. He was partying. Same old shit story.

I have a hatred for my past and my family and anything attached to them. Ive tried to overcome it but im still so angry at all the crap that I blame for me being the way I am. I know this isn't the whole truth but this weekend I felt like my life, my being, was just a cruel joke.
It seemed like a loud voice in my head was taunting me me: They have all moved on but you can't!
I didnt have the strength to fight it at the time, which made it even louder.


I should have stood my ground and not gone to this. I have nothing in common with the people there and was putting myself under too much pressure to intigrate with them when I didnt even have the ability to function, normally myself.

Am going to have to move on from this.
Why am I such a fuking nutcase.
My life is so empty at the moment and im so bloody oversensitive.
Just dreaming of being away somewhere in the future is keeping me afloat.
Will deal with reality little by little but right now I just cant handle anything much in RL.

Or maybe it is, it's just one that comes with a heavy heart pre-requisite.

I see the words typed between the lies and it's the grossest most dehumanizing thing I have ever had the misfortune of encountering.

I have decided pretending is not my style.

I have already started packing up the memories in boxes to throw into a raging river.

I love with purity and I refuse to accept a fate where I am not treated with the same earnest respect as I give.

I tend to the wounds with paper and pen so the scab can heal before I fall again.

It's obvious why I only want you doggy-style, I can't stand to see you seeing someone else's love to defile.

I have to work double to keep up my esteem cuz your monster cock feeds off the supple meat of my dreams.

Guess you thought I'd kill to be the joke-er
Wild card- grate-ful to be anybody's face playing poke-her

But does that mean you want me to try the way that you like it?
As you wish- I see your heart's breaking- it's what you wanted right bitch?

And I have yet to get out of bed. I think ill stay here the whole rest of the day.

Is going well. Legs are aching but is from my run on Sunday rather than withdrawals...

Have had a few crap moments. It's when I'm tired and need to get stuff done that I miss kratom/codeine the most as it's always affected me in the energising way. But I'm finding my own energy. Is a change to eat breakfast instead of keeping my stomach empty for the kratom later...

It feels like withdrawal is well and truly over.

The next step is keeping it up. Day 5 and counting :D

I'm feeling pretty depressed, antsy, anxious, nervous, worried ... everything! My life just seems crazy right now and I'm not sure when it will calm down!

If you read my second blog post, you will know that I had this work placement for my college. I've only been at it for a week.

They have basically been taking advantage of me. I am the person who can stand up for what I want / need / believe in. I'm not going to be free labour when I want experience!

My supervisor pulls me into his office and says I can quit or start dressing appropriately! Now I am not dressing inappropriately at work! I'm not an idiot. I know what I can and can't wear! I just left anyway. I would never go back there, ever! I can't stand the way they treat me and take advantage of me. Some non profit organization they are!

I talked to my program coordinator at school who doesn't seem to think there is anything wrong with my outfit. I'm not fucking changing my clothes for some moronic supervisor who isn't even paying me. If I was getting paid, maybe I could afford new clothes, but I'm not, so I can't.

Now I don't even know what to think or what to do. I'm thinking some weed would be nice now ... I need to relax!!! And we'll see what tomorrow brings!

I'm really not that involved in NA that much anymore. My particular area doesn't offer the 'therapeutic value of one addict helping another' so I have been hitting maybe a meeting a week outside of my area.

Truth is, NA has helped me but it does cause harm as well. I realize that I am the only one looking out for me so I need to turn that harm and negativity into something workable so that I can eventually have a life worth living.

Tonight? Ha! I want to fight. Again.

So what's the plan? My 'special friend' is free tonight and invited me over. Turned it down. We have different definitions of what 'friendship' is and I still have a lot of anger and resentment from when she rolled out right after my dog died. Its a pattern for her to bail when I'm in need the most. I accept it, recognize it for what it is but I simply can't forgive it.

Tonight I will go to a meeting in my area and see who wants to fuck with me this time. Pretend 'gangsters' still acting out in self-serving, self-seeking behavior with no desire to be of service to anyone but themselves.

Is it nicotine withdrawal that's making me like this again? I've been on this 21mg nicotine patch for 24 or 25 days now. I recognize symptoms from quitting before: depression, suicidal thoughts, drug/alcohol cravings, hatred, rage, self-sabotage

Fuck it. This will pass. The ultimate goal is to eventually feel good about myself and to be in service to others.

I'm getting there, I just never suspected it would be so fucking lonely

My name is Anne and I have come here to try to get help regarding Ephedrine. I am a mother of four children and I am 50 yrs. old. I have been living with a illness that has caused me multiple complications with my health. I was 25 yrs. old when I took Halcion for 1/2 yr. from my ex-husband which was been prescribed for him and he didn't want them so I took them to relax me. I was tired of not having any energy on these drugs. I went to work one day and came home and took a Ephedrine pill 50 mg which my sister gave me where she purchased them from the States. Within 20 minutes of ingesting this pill I had lost oxygen within my brain region for a matter of seconds "flight and fight" and than I felt like a voltage sensation occurring immediately. I tried multiple medications but none helped to alleviate these symptoms. It was non-stop even in my sleep it interfered. I have attached my letter in full what has happened to me in detail and also put an article on Ephedrine. I have come to this site in hopes that anyone who has had any problems with their Dysautonomic and Autonomic Nervous System like me. I am having problems in the brain region now on a daily basis and I am trying to get any information or knowledge or medical issues proving what has happened to me. Any suggestions or what could have happened to me would be greatly appreciated. I am desperately looking for answers. I am going before a committee for Ohip Coverage to try to get to the Cleveland Ohio Clinic for help but the government here in Ontario don't want to pay for this trip. I am presently on disabitility for my condition and I do not have the funding for this trip. I am getting sicker by the day and I have lost to date 75 lbs. in total within very little time even though I am eating. Doctors up here are throwing me around and passing the bucket and no one is helping me. Any help would be greatly appreciated from me and the children Thanks Anne

There was this girl and she was in love. All she wanted was for her love to stop cutting himself. With the scars up his arms and the fresh blood on his legs he drowned himself in a taste of relief. His dark thoughts, covered with a cheeky grim, were the only ones he knew, the only ones that felt real. He indulged in his dark mind but never shared it with his love. She knew not of how deep the pain was. The search for happiness was something in which he was familiar but when he found it, he didn't like it, it wasn't home. The dark thought in his mind were the closest to reality he could imagine. He dreamed of a pill that would end it all. He sat dreaming that his lover and his mother would be okay without him. That they would understand that he needed peace. But they wouldn't be okay, they would never understand, so he waded through the fecal matter. He did it for them.

I slept last night. I didn't sleep the whole night, and it was a little patchy, but I slept, because I remember dreaming. And the restless legs abated massively.

In some ways this time has been easier than the last few times I've tried - I don't know if it's because I've been blogging it on here, or have done the mental preparation better, or its the kanna I've been chewing which has kept the depression away, or the fact I've kept myself pretty physically fit in the last couple of months, or the experience and knowledge that previous experiences have given me, or maybe it's a combination of it all.

I'm sitting here with the London marathon on the TV and I suddenly want to go for a run. Maybe I will. Get some endorphins going. I haven't run since last Sunday. Fuck it, I'm going to go for a run, a little later.

14:51

Fuck me I did it. I got my running gear on and went out into the sunshine. I set off, and felt utterly weird at first. The last time I ran was last Sunday, a week ago, and that was with the night before's kratom still in my system...

At 2 kilometres I started feeling pain in my hips and back and thought oh shit, I'm getting injured, but figured it may just be a withdrawal thing.. sure enough as I continued and crested a hill and some endorphins fired the pain went away and I settled into a rhythm, enjoying the sun on my face and the sweat in my eyes.

I got to 5k and just had this crazy notion of running 10k, which I haven't run in a year, ever since the injury which started me off on this year's codeine and kratom slide... I started to find this inner determination and thought fuck it, I can fucking DO THIS. I am a tough motherfucker and can take whatever life throws at me without drugs of any kind. I was hurting, but I just carried on pushing through, and it was crazy and surreal at times but I made the 6.2 miles and when I stopped I felt this rush of joy, endorphins and accomplishment I guess.

I've been running while on kratom, but as with sex, kratom seems to have really dulled the performance - I've always had to time my runs so they don't coincide with the first stages of withdrawal symptoms, but that hasn't always been avoidable and has probably hampered the running. I've also hit the kratom as a kind of reward after running and it's always felt like cheating somehow, but today I finished, and although I felt a wistful feeling of a kind, just the endorphins was enough.

I don't hate the kratom, the codeine, the oxy, or anything else I've taken - in a way they helped me get through some shitty times, and took the pain away when I needed it - but of course then a habit forms and like I've said, the time for that habit to stop has come.

Am feeling pretty tired now. But good. And that good feeling is a clean one...


23:36

Coming up to the 3 day mark now. Made chilli with bird's eye chillies - ended up sweating and with an endorphin rush for the second time in a day. Chatted with my girl and felt more spontaneous and "me". Just got to keep going now and avoid those silly "see how easy it is, now I can just treat myself to x, y or z at weekends" thoughts...

Hi, Tammie. I hope you are in some form that's able to see me. i'm writing because maybe, just maybe, you read it or understand it in a nano-second. Just maybe. I don't think 100% that you are even aware. so there's really a slim chance that i'm actually communicating with you. if you do see what's goin on with me, you know I'm having a hard time dealing with it.
If we hit it off, i'd have already asked you if i could move in. i know you wanted me to finish this out, but other family members make it tough.
i'd have loved you like noone else because i am nobody else, just me. Balance, baby. I wish you would have let me try, at least.
honey, if you died of anything other than an overdose, i apologize for assuming that's what happened. i wish i knew. i wish you were alive.why did you die?

Well, time to join life again and start making an attempt at making something of myself.

I've come to the realization that I can pretty much work anywhere as long as I have the gas money and first/last months rent for a place to stay.

I have been applying for corporate gigs in other states (sadly, Colorado is too far of a drive in gas money so that will have to wait).

I figure that I can throw the rest of my stuff into storage, load the car with clothes and necessities and just hit the road towards the next decent paying job that I am interested in and that will hire me.

So far I have applied for work with my old company in Orlando Florida, Jackson Mississippi and Madison Mississippi.

We'll see what happens...

Bet there are people out there that didn't think I would make it to 31. I've been one of them. I did, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Seems old to some; young to others.

As I write, it's my birthday for 20 more minutes. The amount of awesome in this day cannot be measured. The thoughtfulness of my friends and family, and the reminder to strengthen my ties with them, to be responsible, to be steadfast, to act with right intentions...

That is what today has been about, in short.

I have been in a few different locations on my journey home. I felt a sense of relief once I arrived here. I got 2 REALLY unexpected gifts to the tune of WTF.

16 hour days until Monday now.

I appreciate all of you who have reached out to me in tough times. The past year brought a lot of adjustments. 31's been a good year so far and for the first time in forever I feel truly optimistic.

I hope this day lasts forever. The feeling of the awful rain at such an early hour gave way to nothing but sunshine. It was only a flight away.

Happy Birthday, Mariposa. You earned this one, big time.

so I kinda forgot about this thing, it's nice to have an outlet when you need it that doesn't require constant thought

that's all for now. maybe I'll remember this again soon.

so now its time for some random thoughts via bullet points!

• 6 days till i will be enjoying sunny weather in LA
• having houseguests interferes with my napping after work
• i hate the fact that i am really good at my job
• i hate my students' parents more
• old people make me uncontrollably sad
• i've been lazy about cooking this week, i don't think next week will be much better
• i really like the foo fighters new album
• the strangest things captivate my students' attention. instead of my planned science lesson today, i spent a half hour discussing why salt water is bad for you
• i find it funny that people think i am confident person
• i want some ketamine
• i want some vanilla coke zero
• i want a pint of mac and jacks. i suppose i will have that in slightly over a week
• i suck at throwing a kickball
• listening to my neighbors fight is more amusing than tv
• i finally got new books to read.
• i like a pinch of salt in my coffee.

Not sure how to work this, whether to have a separate blog for each day, or just start a new comment for each day to keep everything in one place... hmmm... Will have to see.

Yesterday I had some stressful shit in the morning so ended up using most of the kratom I had left, then met up with my friend and was OKish, and spaced out what I had left. I chatted on MSN with my girl and arranged for her to come and stay in a couple of weeks which gives me something of an incentive, and as we were saying our goodbyes took my last 5g of kratom powder.

I was feeling OK and positive as I went to bed, and did drift of to sleep a little, then woke feeling very restless. It was 2am. My bed felt weird, I had to get up and fix the slats under the mattress, which had come loose, that felt a little better, but I tossed and turned and couldn't find a comfortable position. Had no mental anguish, apart from in response to the restlessness. Had one or two wistful moments of wishing I still had a little kratom to make this go away for a few hours.

Couldn't get comfortable, or go back to sleep, so got up a lot earlier than I usually would. Made some coffee and came on BL. Noticed pain in my knees on walking around, and a tightness in my stomach. And feeling very cold.

Now I'm not trying to relax and sleep, and am occupying my mind a little, it doesn't feel too bad, though I do feel vaguely uneasy and very tired. I know withdrawal can be deceiving though, so will just take it hour by hour. This will probably get a lot worse as my body realises it's not getting any more of its DOC...

8 hrs and 12 minutes

I was feeling positive last night, actually feeling almost ok, if very tired. So tired - the withdrawal, and the lack of sleep the night before. It would have been great to sleep, to get a few hours, to rest and recuperate.

Of course as soon as my head hit the pillow my legs started spasming and I simply could not get comfortable with the throes of RLS. I felt constantly on the edge of the precipice of sleep, I could not keep my eyes open, and yet I could not drop off into even the shallows of sleep because my legs were full of something that just had to move.

I had to keep sitting up on the edge of my bed, then it went away. If I lay down and kept my eyes open, and counted, I was ok. As soon as my eyes shut and my body tried to go sleep, off went the legs again, spasming and kicking. Kicking the habit is such an appropriate phrase at times like that. Being held on the edge of sleep and constantly woken, it's what they do to lab rats to see how fucking crazy they go...

At some point I must have finally got off, the last time I looked at the clock on this night of torture it was 6am, and my alarm went at 8am.

That's about 3 hours sleep out of 60 hours, if you count the waking time before the withdrawal began. Doesn't help. Will try to doze today.

Still, I am 34 hrs and 22 minutes into this. It feels like I've got the motivation right - there's still a part of me that thinks how much easier it would be to abandon this attempt, but it's shrinking I think...

More later %)


14:00 update

38 hours... Managed to get out of the house as I needed to get some more ibuprofen, from a shop about ten minutes walk away. Felt like an odyssey, felt like the usual cushion I have around me wasn't there, but just took it slowly and made it back. Have a headache and feeling tired and have a runny nose and the leg aches. Have been chewing kanna again to keep my mood up, seems to help.

16:05.

Fuck me, 40 hours and counting

That's an hour for every year of my life - seems a significant milestone. :D

Midnight, end of day 2

How did I get here? Two days is up! I really need sleep, I hope I don't have a battle with my legs tonight, who knows...

48 hours. Two days. %)

We begin.

However, we never really ended at all.

So where does the beginning happen?

Haven't we been here all along? Hasn't life existed for all that is called time? And won't it be that way until time ceases to exist?

Can that even happen?

I have 100g of kratom left. Stem & vein powder to be exact. The stuff I get needs filtering, and have collected about 75g of larger bits and scraps that are not drinkable over the last few months, so made a tea out of about half of this last night.

It was obviously weaker than the usual stuff, as my last dose of kratom proper was about 5pm yesterday, and just the tea in between, and this morning I was feeling in withdrawal quite early on - a pervasive anxiety, sense of dread, and emotional troughs that almost had me in tears together with the beginnings of that awful akathisiac restlessness.

Dosed with roughly 8g of stem and vein powder and it's gone away.

How shit it is to be such a slave, when freedom is one of the things I value most.

This morning gave me a picture of what it is going to be like on Friday, and by then I will have used my kratom up. There will be no turning back. At least I won't have too much to do. I will post relentlessly or read on here to eat away the hours, I will try to eat, I will use what other tools I have in my armoury. I find benefits in meditation but in withdrawal I can't sit still for shit so that will have to come later.

I got a phone call this morning, a friend wanted some advice. Shit, I got through it, but it was tough to concentrate. I will have to have a phone off policy for a while, though texts may help, helps to hear from people I care about.

I'm getting scared because a number of things are all coming to a head. I know I have to do this but even so that crappy voice in my head is trying to convince me now is not the best time, I am going to relapse so why bother going through all this shit? It's a total liar that voice, but yet has been right so many times it's so tempting to listen to it...

So yeah, I'm committed to this. But that sense of "no turning back" is proving really scary at the minute