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I had to detox from 140mg of methadone at my clinic by skipping two days from time to time until I was down to 30mg. The reason being no detox would take me until I dropped to that dose. I spent 6 days in detox dropping from 30mg to 0mg. The Doctor there let me stay two extra days to achieve withdrawl symptoms from the methadone and started me on 8mg of suboxone twice daily. It's two years later and I take a half or full 8mg suboxone depending on my day, mood, cravings, etc. Look Im no saint but suboxone got me away from those liquid handcuffs.

Been puking my brains out all morning. Still sick to my stomach that tears have been falling down my cheeks. I just want this to all stop. Right now I can feel the vomit in my throat. Just waiting to come up once again.

dammit Tammie, I'm still lost as shit. i can't believe you left me this way. we would've ironed it all out in time. who knows, we could be having coffee right now. or, we may have decided we weren't for each other. i seriously doubt that, though. i was just being paranoid. I Love You, Tammie!

Been lying in bed for hours and I can't sleep. I'm not sure whether if its because the house is so damn hot or the fact I'm withdrawing from tramadol. I just stopped taking that shit cold turkey... I have other drugs that I'm taking such as the morphine and oxycodone but still I feel like shit. Also I don't get how I can take all these opiates but still be wide awake like a tweaker.

Warning: Possibility of delirium while tripping, very dangerous, please do not attempt until further testing has been completed!


http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/showthread.php?t=420034#post6850157

http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/archive/index.php/t-390088.html

Oh, in short, basically I've been wondering how GABAergic hallucinogens might combine with pyschs. I thought the visuals would mesh together well, but there is also the consideration that some GABAergics intensify psychedelic visuals on their own (GHB does this IME), so synergism might be greater than expected.

However, given the amnesiac quality of the former, which can turn pleasant lucid hallucinations into something more akin to anticholinergic delirium in some more prone to this effect, there seems to be significant risk involved. Confusion caused by psychedelics may compound the risk, and things might go into unpleasant territory very easily. Unpleasant visuals may very well create a negative feedback loop with negative thoughts, and it might be harder to put a bad trip back on track, also, if you're in delirium and forget you're tripping, one may very well hurt themselves or others in panic.

So more research should be done before any attempts at this are made (just because one or two people have tried it in the past doesn't mean one should try it now). Assuming an attempt is made, a sober trip sitter capable of subduing you is a must, and using zaleplon seems to be the safest bet due its short duration. Perhaps a shorter acting or weaker psychedelic would do as well, 2c-c, 2c-d, and 5-meo-dalt spring to mind. I wouldn't try DMT because you might leave hyperspace into delirium.

Dissociatives might make a safer bet for combination, but due to tolerance or whatever I might still be unable to experience ego disolution, so I cannot attempt this combo myself, yet anyway.

Its 530am and I'm sitting here, getting drunk.
Half of the workforce at the factory does this, so I don't feel bad. Even if they didn't, I still wouldn't care.
In 2 days I'm going skydiving. If I'd never felt truly suicidal, I never would've had the balls to do this. I don't fear death anymore. I know that the chances of anything going wrong are very slim, since its tandem with an instructor. Lately I've wanted to know what its like to fly. Not in a plane, but flying through the air. I'm gonna find out. I can't fucking wait. I'm scared shitless, yeah. But I know as soon as I jump off the plane there's no turning back and the fear will disappear, the adrenaline will take over. I feel alot better knowing that I'm not gonna be doing it alone, someone will be strapped to my back.

The repetitive, mind numbing ordeal of living with this day after day has taken its toll.
I feel nothing inside of me. Nothing.
I literally have begun to feel a void inside of me. It's hard to explain.
When I sit still and try to enjoy being high, I'm still reminded of the bullshit in the air, suffocating me.
The only time I cannot be consciously aware of my shit is when I'm sleeping, not dreaming. And I hate sleep. Go figure.
You smile, I take the cue that something is funny, and smile back.
I can't relate to your state of euphoria.
But I can pretend.
Deep down I hate your fucking soul, inside and out, for being everything I'm not.
Inside I don't even fucking want to be alive, cause my whole fucking life is a lie. A lie I didn't ask for. A lie I'm left to piece back together to make a truth.
I know that if I'm ever to make a truth out of this shit, I have to keep swimming.
So I'm cramming drugs down my throat in an attempt to feel alive, or want to live, for that short lived high.
It used to be a now and then, now its an everything inbetween.

from all the drugs. My body aches all over and I have the chills. It feels as if I'm going to throw up and this headache isn't helping. Ugh, I want to go to sleep but I can't. Maybe if I take a few more pills I'll be able to but then again I don't want to.... yet I know I will. Just like I always do.

i knew i was gonna be rejected. she said she doesn't go by looks.but he did today. or maybe because i was freakin. i know others are chasing her.
anyway honey, u know how lonely i was before we met. it's only gotten worse. i hope u weren't fucked up and thought i bailed.....or that you decided we wouldn't make it. i'm forever a misfit, destined to be alone.

i surprised myself by crying so fast after starting this. i think i've ruined a possible relationship but, she couldn't put me but about 4th or 5th in line for her attention. When we moved, we'd have been pretty much first to each other. Equally. We could've depended on each other and that was gonna be good enough for me. This woman has too many others depending on her. I don't know how i'm gonna put it to her. i don't think she wants anymore with me, anyway.
A good friend of yours told me on facebook that you were one of a kind. I knew that, because it's going to take a one of a kind woman to accept me. I lied to this woman about how i lost but have been straight forward since. Although your kids come first, you had the right attitude about letting them go after hs grad. I promised you quite a bit about being beside you not in front or behind. i've stopped bereavement because we're going nowhere. uncovered some old crap though. i've already hashed that out. don't really need it out again right now.
your encouragement concerning a needle exchange made me want it bad. I may go to Colorado to do it. I hate harsh winters though. it is what i'd like to do.
ya know, we only talked for like 3 weeks. if the love of your life hasn't got you, i'd like to try. =)

For some reason I've been taking Tramadol everyday for the past weeks. I don't even understand why because they don't do shit for me. Yes, they helped me when I didn't have my hyrdrocodone and shit but now I'm just taking them really for no reason. I just found myself reaching for them. Right now I'm popping the last 400 mg I have of it. I'm pretty sad right now but I know there is no way I'm buying any.

I'm sick of it all. I spent a year working on short term contract. My contract is almost up, and due to the economic crash, there is no money to renew it. So, it's either go job hunting (again), or leave.

If I had taken that biotech job that was offered to me a few years ago, I'd feel better about this. The starting salary was over 100k/yr. All I had to do was deal with a corporate environment (I equate this to a Middle School culture where the main goal is to survive a sissy fight in the school yard). Just live like I was still in college on 10,000/yr and save the rest. Work and save and invest for a few years, then I would have nearly had enough to quit.

but instead, I went to work in academia.


Academia. Low wages and long hours are a sick badge of honor. It is an atmosphere of constant depression and pessimism about the future. Now, Washington has been effectively cutting science funding since 2000/2001. Things have steadily gotten worse.



That is my main reason for sticking to Engineering.

Sales guys, stock brokers, marketing people... Those positions are not rewarding, and you have to leave your soul at the door. Science, Engineering, Construction, Mechanics are the jobs for me. Always will be. I couldn't live with myself knowing that my livelyhood came on the back of others, earned by shiesting a percentage out of something I didn't build because I shuffled some paperwork and talked on the phone. Those people live empty soulless lives. They cheat on their partners. And they drive like assholes on the freeway.

Another way of describing it: Sales guys, stock brokers, marketing people, managers, accountants, and a lot of other people are professional liars. They operate in an environment where people are constantly lying to them, and they in turn are constantly lying to others. When you're lying at least 40 hours a week, then lying to your friends, family, spouse, or children becomes a lot easier.

Engineers, scientists, etc by contrast are in an environment where attempts at lying will likely be caught very very quickly.


It isn't just that the science grads aren't good enough, its that the science itself it harder than it's ever been before. All the low hanging fruit that could be figured out by an individual or small team as already been done.

"It was a game, a very interesting game one could play. Whenever one solved of the little problems, one could write a paper about it. It was very easy in those days for any second-rate physicist to do first-rate work. There has not been such a glorious time since. It is very difficult now for a first-rate physicist to do second-rate work." -- P.A.M Dirac, DIRECTIONS IN PHYSICS, 1978, P. 7

Cannot fight this pain.
I am so devestated and I have a hollow inside me that aches ATM.
Am trying to distract myself from it but i feel like im dying inside.
I miss my Ex so much and he is the one person I cannot rely on/trust. I just cannot process this emotionally. Im trying to act okay but I actually feel like Im being punished for being me all the time.
Am trying not to be self-indulgent but am so lonely, I feel like a part of me has been amputated and I just dont work right anymore.
All I want to do is have him hold me but I dont want to interfere with his life and I dont want to give in to him; incase he feels im letting him in again and takes me forgranted.

I suck at this shit.
I need to get over this but dont know how to let go and am afraid.

There are times when nothing is going on and there are times when everything happens at once. Everything is happening at once now and on top of this i have to give up smoking. I'm going to start working out to get back into shape because i have been out of shape for far too long. Plus the exercising will help the ungodly cravings for cigarettes I may have to hoof it a good bit the summer so ya being in shape will help.

Hopefully i will be moving as well so i have to figure the logistics of that out. Things would be so much easier if i didn't actually need medication as that complicates things alot.

Ugh i hate my life being so complicated. Fuck sakes!

No matter how many times you look in the mirror
And you can't recognize who's staring back
No matter if you had to walk the path of the warrior
And feel like your parents gave you birth as a trap

YOU STILL KEEP ON MOVING AND SHAKING YOUR BOUND SOUL LOOSE
CAUSE WAR IS THE HARDEST ART ANY HEART COULD CHOOSE

And yeah sometimes the choice is robbed from our will
But at the end of the day it's still kill or be killed
So Soldier- STAND UP STRAIGHT LOOK YOURSELF IN THE EYE-
AND DON'T SHED A TEAR, MARY MAG, God knows they had to die.

No! Throwing up on MDMA does not necessarily mean you're irresponsible! In fact, I am very responsible with drugs, for the most part. MDMA is my drug of choice. It just makes me throw up!

If I take half of an mdma pill, it will make me throw up. And then I will barely feel the results anyway. So I usually take one pill to start off with and then redose a bit later, or two to start off with. Quite a few other people that I know (mostly female) have the same thing happen to them. To us, it just comes with the territory.

It really bothered me the other day when this guy came up to me and started telling me how I was eating too much mdma or getting bad pills. He's all like "you throw up every time you're here" (at a specific club). I'm like yeah, no shit I do, I always throw up on mdma. Tested and non tested pills (yes, I was an idiot before). He's just accusing me of being irresponsible. I'm pretty sure I'm one of the most responsible people there about drugs.

Yeah, that just kind of bothered me. I know I look young and foolish and stuff. But I do my research (thank you Bluelight! and other sources) and I really do know what I'm getting into!

wish you were around for 4/20. if we weren't already together, we'd at least have celebrated on the phone. I found more pics of you on the net the other day...may've been on 4/20.
i've been able to talk about you without tearing up but not today. just thinking about you does it today.
i wish i knew what happened from about 4 hours before your death on. i wish i was with you then. i might even have prevented your death. i wish i knew if you ODed or what. and I wish I knew your thoughts then. i hope i wasn't the cause. surely not. we had some soul-bonding love making to do.

Irregular suboxone use, last use 30 hours ago. Can I expect to get high off the norco that's waiting for me at the pharmacy?? Share your ideas & experiences with me...

Okay so I am going to try to sum this blog up pretty quickly without making it too long. So I started using painkillers on the daily about 1 year ago, I was taking anywhere from 4-6 lortab/percocet 10's a day. I know I know it doesn't seem like much but when I tryed to quit CT I experienced horrible withdrawal symptoms. I continued using more and more because I didn't want to get sick ect ect.. So finally I had gotten sick of it and I wanted to do something about it. My friend mentioned to me that he went on suboxone (his opiate use was simmiler to mine) and he was off opiates with in a week of using subs. Now he is off everything completely. So I was alright I'm going to do the same thing he did and starts using subs to get through the withdrawals no problem. No, this did not work...I used about 4mgs of sub strips for about 6 days now, I thought I would be over withdrawals and I could go on my merry way. Apparently it doesn't work at all because after the 6 days of suboxone detox I was still getting withdrawal symptoms when the subs wore off. Please if anyone has any input on this matter please help me out. I don't know what to do. I'm sick of being sick, I just want my life back...please no haters.

I won't play mommy to you or your friends,
I won't pull you towards me when your distracted.

I won't do your share and my share too
I've got enough bi-polar exposure to last a life or two.

It's a life-long commitment to fix broken boys,
and it's one I didn't sign up for, yeah, fuck being coy-
so now that there are no pink elephants left
Have fun with your phone, and all that half-assed phone sex.

War only fucks a girl to pretend she's the Captain.

If I have questions where do I post them? Here? If I want to bitch and rant like an emo kid during the ol' live journal phase do I do it here?

well I have a basic drug concern. I've been on MMT(120MG/day) for the past 6 months and was doing some little wiki reading on seroquel and under the recreational portion of the article it mentioned a specific euphoric interaction between methadone and seroquel. I tried verifying the source but w/ wiki it's pretty much hit or miss (i still luv it). I want some other opinions (more than the "blah fuck seroquel blah not recreational blah snort blah filler lung bad blah blah) I railed 12.5 mg (something I don't do on the regular) and I felt pretty chill. Sort of like smoking a .2 spliff of some northern cali mid grade w/ my dose.

I'll find a way to post up my Q and get some flamin' replies.

As for blogging...nursing school is hard as fuck but there are moments you sometimes get when you're able to make just a slight smile on someone so agonizingly terminal. (the small times where i realize i really do want to live). a lot of other times there's just so much grief, abandonment, and painful death that being a naturally sensitive and emotional person (bipolar II) I'm having to learn the skill of properly balancing desensitization w/ empathy. I hope I make it.

Its hard to know what to write.
I would be happy never to have to engage in any social situation again.
I was so full of resentment and self pity this weekend, I could not get out of my own head. I should have left the party early but it seems like some part of me wanted everyone to see what a mess I was.
I am a mess. I tried to sit there and act like everything was fine but I felt like I was going to break and then having not ate much in a week coupled with ridiculous amounts of wine...everything snowballed. I went to the dark side. Sick of self pity and lack of confidence.
The event that was on was a family friend's pre-wedding bash.
I cant even remember all of it but...


Also before the meal, my ex's family had rang me they told me he was missing and his car was found abandoned.
Ironically, I was staying at a hotel in an area we used to frequent during the summers.
It was too much.
They found him today. He was partying. Same old shit story.

I have a hatred for my past and my family and anything attached to them. Ive tried to overcome it but im still so angry at all the crap that I blame for me being the way I am. I know this isn't the whole truth but this weekend I felt like my life, my being, was just a cruel joke.
It seemed like a loud voice in my head was taunting me me: They have all moved on but you can't!
I didnt have the strength to fight it at the time, which made it even louder.


I should have stood my ground and not gone to this. I have nothing in common with the people there and was putting myself under too much pressure to intigrate with them when I didnt even have the ability to function, normally myself.

Am going to have to move on from this.
Why am I such a fuking nutcase.
My life is so empty at the moment and im so bloody oversensitive.
Just dreaming of being away somewhere in the future is keeping me afloat.
Will deal with reality little by little but right now I just cant handle anything much in RL.

Or maybe it is, it's just one that comes with a heavy heart pre-requisite.

I see the words typed between the lies and it's the grossest most dehumanizing thing I have ever had the misfortune of encountering.

I have decided pretending is not my style.

I have already started packing up the memories in boxes to throw into a raging river.

I love with purity and I refuse to accept a fate where I am not treated with the same earnest respect as I give.

I tend to the wounds with paper and pen so the scab can heal before I fall again.

It's obvious why I only want you doggy-style, I can't stand to see you seeing someone else's love to defile.

I have to work double to keep up my esteem cuz your monster cock feeds off the supple meat of my dreams.

Guess you thought I'd kill to be the joke-er
Wild card- grate-ful to be anybody's face playing poke-her

But does that mean you want me to try the way that you like it?
As you wish- I see your heart's breaking- it's what you wanted right bitch?

And I have yet to get out of bed. I think ill stay here the whole rest of the day.