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I want to

I love you and hate you always...it has been two months since we first met..I have only went a few days without you! I hope u can go, so I can sleep and live in the real world with reality ...I don't understand ur vapors are so bitter but good! I go go go fast when you are in me! Please let me go before we get to close ....I am such a weird o...lol life could be worse!!!

"Hello (name) speaking, how may I help you today?"

"Hi, I would like to discontinue my services"

"Okay, can I get the phone number and adress to confirm your account"

(information)

"Okay, we can't disconnect until we recieve full payment"

"Well you will recieve payment, I just don't want services anymore"

"Sorry we cannot disconnect you until we recieve full payment"

"So, what, are we going to get free services?"

"No, of course not, if we don't recieve full payment by monday then a diconnection will happen next week"

"Well that's what we WANT, we don't want services, we want to CUT our services"

"Sorry we can't cut services until we recieve full payment"

"but there's a disconnection order in place for next week?"

"yes ma'am"

"So why can't we just get disconnected on Monday?"

"Cause we need full payment before we can disconnect you"

"But you are disconnecting us next week?"

"If we don't recieve full payment by monday, yes"

"You see how much this whole conversation doesn't make the slightest sense?"

"It's simple, stop being a deadbeat and pay your bill instead of blowing your welfare on beer"

"excuse me?"

"Pay your bill and stop being a deadbeat welfare bum"

"(name) let me speak to your supervisor now please"

"No. We take credit card payments. would you like to pay your bill with me?"

"Uh no. After you being that rude I rather just speak to your supervisor"

"No. If you pay your bill now, your full services will be restored"

"I - do-NOT- want-your-services. Is that slow enough for you to understand?"

"Yes, but we cannot disconnect you until we recieve full payment"

**me hanging up**


((Head desk))

I did call back and reported him and DID get services cut BUT the tech. can't get here until sometime this coming week. The lady said she would email him and see if he can make it on monday but in the end its up to him. We know the tech that does this area and he's a nice guy, and he knows us too. So hopefully he'll come out on Monday.

We had to get a new number though, as Rogers won't release the number back to Bell until we pay the bill. The number was originally bell's.

Bah! Rogers sucks cruddy STD dick.

In a coupla ways....

I'm done with BL (TDS specifically).

If I start gettin' high again, I'll come back but right now I'm feeling like I'm seen as 'the enemy' because I quit the shit. This is a drug forum after all so, what the fuck am I doing here if I'm gonna be treated like an asshole? Not looking to join a 'recovery forum' like some jerkoff from Senior Staff pointed out. I fit in more here but 'my views' on complete abstinence make folks uncomfortable. I'm not that powerful, assholes. Some 40 year old bald dude isn't hurting anyone by telling them they can get treatment for fucking FREE and my presence wasn't that fucking strong

Fuck it... met some good people but all they really are/were was a coupla user names on my screen. Phony and superficial kindness helped when I needed it. Now I'm looking for something more real.

I deleted what posts I could but couldn't touch the archived ones. I dunno, man. For what its worth... it IS possible to put the shit down. It isn't easy but it can be done. No one wants to hear that, though. Fuck 'em. I'm sitting here with 8 months and 8 days of complete abstinence from all that shit and I can say that all the blood, sweat and tears that have been shed has been worth it.

Yeah, I'm feeling a bit salty but, once again, typing it out makes me feel a bit better.

I really felt a part of this thing here but its really all just a bunch of self-centered bullshit (including my own)

Can we have a thing where superfluously sarcastic Bluelighters carry around small tuning forks and make esoteric gestures with them in place of posting snarky, condescending comments in every thread they happen upon?

So wow, after a week this combination of antidepressants is so much better than buproprion and citalopram, and there is no sexual malaise. I also am still coming down from the citalopram in the sense that it still is in my system and it takes a while to go away. I tapered off the citalopram for a month before starting the mirtazapine.

I have been having really amazing dreams with lots of dream fulfillment, that is, I have been doing all sorts of things that I never did in real life.

The first night I took the mirtazapine I had a nightmare, but since then I haven't had any more nightmares just awesome dreams. I have been having sex with all sorts of girls, riding motorcycles, being a football quarterback, and travelling to exotic locales.

I recommend mirtazapine and buproprion to you who are on antidepressants for unipolar depression without mania.

In the Bronx I am staying in an apartment complex directly across from Bronx Superior Court, on Grand Concourse on the corner of E160 St. Because of its location it is relatively safe. I was getting undressed to take a nap at 4PM yesterday when I heard 3 loud booms. My friend's 82 year old mother began screaming at me to get away from the window. I laughed at her telling her that of anyone she knows I am probably the last person who wouldn't recognise gunshots, and THOSE were NOT gunshots.

About 25 minutes later sirens converged on the complex. The complex consists of 16 six story buildings which are all connected like townhouses, in the shape of a giant letter "U." Every 4 buildings flare out a bit to form courtyards. 4 meter tall iron barred fences don't allow free movement. There is a central walkway and then a side walkway into the 4 courtyards, 1 on each side of the complex and 2 at the far end.

The police roped off the main walkway and noone was allowed in or out. I was shocked, me, the man so sure of himself hadn't recognised 3 shots. Granted they were from a 357 Magnum revolver, and I don't have much experience around more than 38 caliber in terms of revolvers, and the acoustics in the complex are out of kilter but replaying it in my mind I still can't get over how I couldn't recognise them. My friend's mum somehow guessed correctly despite her having been laying in bed when it happened.

This morning (it is 834AM now, I am still on Philippine Time so it feels like 834PM) I went out to buy myself a sandwich and some juice. The police had posters up all over the place, finally having taken down the ropes sometime after midnite last night. Apparently some degenerate assholes entered the complex, saw a rival, pulled out a Magnum and blew half his arm off. That doesn't bother me. What bothers me is that even at night these courtyards are full of small children running around, jumping rope, and elderly folks sitting around gossiping. In fact, from my days living in the Bronx I can recall 2 cases where 6 year old girls died during similar shootings. As we say in the IDF, "Bullets done have names" (doesn't quite translate smoothly but you get the idea).

On Friday I had to go to my usual methadone clinic. US Customs allows US Citizens to import up to 400 US Dollars worth of medication IF the medication isn't on the US pharmocopiea. In other words, if a form of a particular substance is sold in America, you cannot import that same form by a non-American manufacturer. It is really a stupid rule, but they don't want to make it simple for obvious reasons. Each unit of medication has to be individually wrapped in original packaging with a current letter from a prescribing physician. Then, you can only bring in 30 days worth. Luckily I have morphine sulphate hypodermic tablets. They are tiny instant release tablets designed for oral administration but with the ability to be utilised as an injectionable should the need arise, like Knoll Dilaudids. You drop it in a bottlecap of water and instant dissolution. There is nothing like it on the US Market so I am able to safely import it at 9 grammes worth of 30 mg tablets. Never knowing how long I will stay when visiting I always get on methadone soon after arrival.

Morphine, Instant Release, needs to be re-dosed every 8 hours. It becomes mundane quickly and then downright tiresome. I appreciate being able to drink a tiny bottle of syrup once a day.

I went to the clinic after first ringing a Physician's Assistant I am friendly with to expedite my case. I arrived at 11AM and by 1130 was dosing at 220 mgs. and was given 6 take away bottles.

In New York they have changed the regulations, much to my pleasant suprise. Now, after 1 week you qualify for 2 times a week pick up, meaning that you need only go twice in a week to your clinic. Before it would take at least 9 months to get to that point.

In my own case I had last been here less than 6 months ago and so I qualify to simply resume my scheduale.

I found at as well that Buprenorphine is being re-assesed in the States. Not long ago there was a thread in CE and P about Opioid Substitution Therapy and I had remarked on Buprenorphine's metabolic ceiling of 24 mgs. A poster replied that in fact the ceiling is 32 mgs. I was taken aback but then found out that US treatment providers had begun going off label and prescribing dosages of 32 mgs based entirely upon the subjective opinions of their clients/patients. In the interim it was concluded by the powers that be that such clients/patients usually were diverting their extra dosages. So, it has been formally re-assesed and re-iterated at 24 mgs. Useful information.

I also wanted to get an up to date viral load. Personally speaking I was terrified over my blood work, not having had a thorough workup since my Interferon Treatment had failed.

To recall, when I began treatment my Hepatitis C (HCV) viral load was 79,000. 1 month after treatment began it had plummeted to 10,000 so that it was very sure that I was on the road to being cured. Then came my 90 day workup and it showed that my viral load had not only rebounded, it was an astounding 110,000. That meant the end of treatment...

I remember crying like a baby. I had come to the US just to get treated. I blamed the failure on my stress from Rizza. That was when she first ran away with her guy. Lately though, I have been having other thoughts. Shortly after arriving for treatment I gave 2 consecutive urines at the clinic. Both came up positive for illicit drugs. The first was cocaine, the 2nd morphine. Heroin isn't tested for because it has a 90 second half life. They test for metabolites. Anyway, I was clean as I always am when on methadone. I hadn't done cocaine since 1994. It turns out that the lab had at least 1 employee who just wrote whatever they felt like writing. It created lawsuits because of parolees who had been returned to prison for using illicit drugs.

So I began thinking a couple of days ago, what if they just threw an arbitrary number on my bloodwork? What if I had been nearly cured when treatment ceased? Friday came, I gave my bloodwork and found that not only was it well below 110,000, the load I supposedly had when treatment stopped, but it was below the load I had when treatment first began! I began with 79,000. My load on Friday was 74,000. All I can do is shake my head.

I was watching my youngest brother in law play with his rubberband collection. He lays them flat on the solar dryer, a huge concrete slab with concave furrows where we lay unhusked rice before loading into mechanical dryers. He slaps his hand atop a rubberband and it jumps a couple of centimeters up and over. He can do that for hours on end. Amidst the highlight of my day came a phone call from America...

One of my elder brothers had died of a heartattack minutes before. I am 1 of 11 kids and my father (unlike his own father) is not polygamous. All 11 are full siblings. Only 8 of us are left now.


The call came so quickly because we bury our dead before sundown. My brother, Eliyahu I (El-ee-yahoo) was 68 years old (I amm 44). He has a a Roman Numeral after his name because we have a custom...Most Jews in the US are Ashkenazi, meaning from Central and Eastern Europe. I am Mizrachi-Sephardi, meaning I have ancestors who lived in Spain (on both sides) but also have family who never left the Middle East. Ashkenszi Culture doesn't allow the naming of children after parents nor after any living family. Mizrachi-Sephardi have Generational Names like the Han Chinese. For example, in a generation each extended family must name 1 son a name that will be given to all 1st cousins. There are 9 Eliyahus in my brother's generation. I am Rachamim IV.

Getting the call I immediately called Butuan Airport to find the next Manila flight. I found it would be 10AM the next morning and so went about booking a seat, no easy task. The airline, Cebu Pacific, is one of the worst I have ever taken. To purchase a ticket you must use a credit card. I don't have credit cards. I only use Debit. Suprisingly Visa Debit isn't accepted, only Visa Credit is acceptable. After borrowing one of Rizza's aunt's credit cards I got my ticket. Another improbability is that credit cards are rarely applied for in the Philippines, at least in our neck of the woods. It doesn't matter because noone would accept them anyway, except Cebu Fucken' Pacific.

I went to the airport early in the morning, having our Chief Driver Mario take me.

Arriving in Makati, which is 1 of 17 cities composing Metro Manila and the city where both airports are located, I was met by Joysa who was missing me. We hopped in a taxi and I went to a travel agency I use when pressed for time and booked a flight for that night, 945PM.

Airlines offer Bereavment Fares but you can forget it if you are taking an international flight.

Joysa and I went out for an early supper and then I left her to go to the airport. It makes no sense to have her accompany me since only ticketed passengers can even enter the airport.

Landing at Kennedy I was met by a brother but of course my deceased brother was already in the ground. For direct relatives like spouses, parents, sibling or children we formally mourn for 7 days and on each anniversary of the death. We are still mourning, as they call it in English, "Sitting shiva." Adults rip their clothes, leave a large tub of water by the front door, barefoot, reading from the Book of Psalms.

Since I'm not adhering fully (I could not post if I were) I am staying with a friend in the South Bronx. I will probably spend another 10 days here before I go home.

Hallooo.
right i dont have a big pile of mephedrone, i have a small pile of mephedrone (maybe 700mg). have been on a serious amphetamine bin- .... i mean a period of responsible and modest amphetamine use to help me study in which scales were used to weigh out each dose and a 40 step research grade purification process undertaken. ok so this binge has been about 2-3 months long the night before last i was doing mdma as well as a small amount yesterday afternoon. oh and have been doing mephedrone on and off today.

taking into account all this and its implications on the availability of certain neurotransmitters, possible cross tolerance from amphetamines (?) and the fact that mephedrone isn't the purity it was, should i bosh the rest in half an hour? string it out into 100mg lines and not get high at all? divide it in half and do half now half in an hour or two? use it to kill slugs?

the decision is eating away at me whilst i come down, staring at that little white heap, glittering with tiny pin shaped shards. the all too familiar reasoning of ''mate whats the point of doing it over a longer period if you dont get high, just literally crack on with a nice 700mg belter up the trusty old left nostril'' versus ''you KNOW you'll regret it, powder it for max absorbtion and then do175 mg per hour in two lines, one up each nostril, then it'll last 4 hours.'' unfortunatly the first team always dives in with the old ''you'll regret it no matter what when you finish it, at least enjoy it''.


lets be honest

you always knew which side you were backing

Dark Chocolate - Raises Serotonin levels and dopamine levels
Tuna - Raises Serotonin levels
Turkey - Raises Serotonin levels
Cheese - Raises Sertonin Levels
Sour Cherries - Raises Serotonin levels + Melotonin , Helps you sleep. Reccomend taking after a Roll.



Also Sunlight Increases serotonin levels.

This can help after a good MDMA roll to lessen the effects of a comedown by far.
The dark chocolate raising your dopamine levels also appears to help your coordination and concentration too.



Sources: My 6th roll still felt like my first so i must be doing something right...
Also magnesium in red skinned peanuts could help on the jaw clenching

ahh i am finally awake, i did not know it was possible to sleep for more than 20 hours. i guess once in a whie continued lack of proper sleep just pounces on you and you drop where you stand.

this probably had something to do with the fact that i left my little bag of speedy goodness (badness?) at a friend's house after a night of ketamine use. (managed to polish off two grams, not sure whether i managed the hole though). now i am fighting the urge to go back to bed in favour of going to pick up more k and retrieving my base from up the road.

maybe the complete lack of any chemical use for two days has revived my braiin chemistry to a point where i might enjoy my *ahem* pick me up

So you don't want to hear about my good song?
And you don't want to hear about how i am getting on
With all the things that i can get done
The sun is in the sky & i am by my lonesome
So you don't want to hear about my good day?
You have better things to do than to hear me say

God its been a lovely day! everything's been going my way
I took out the trash today and i'm on fire...

So you don't want to hear about my good friends?
You don't have the guts to take the truth or consequence
Success is in the eye of the beholder
And its looking even better over your cold shoulder

I'm not suggesting you get to line me up for questioning
But Jesus think about the bridges you are burning
And i'm betting
That even though you knew it from the start
You'd rather be a bitch than be an ordinary broken heart
( From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/d/dresden-dolls-lyrics/good-day-lyrics.html )

So go ahead and talk about your bad day...
I want all the details of the pain and misery
That you are inflicting on the others
I consider them my sisters and I want their numbers

God its been a lovely day! everything's been going my way
I took up croquet today and i'm on fire

I picked up the pieces of my broken ego
I have finally made my peace as far as you and me go
But i'd love to have you up to see the place
& i'd like to do more than survive i'd like to rub it in your face.....

Hey! its been a lovely day! everything's been going my way
I had so much fun today and i'm on fire
God it's been a lovely day everything's been going my way
Ever since you went away hey i'm on fire.....
I'm on fire...
I'm on fire...
So you don't want to hear about my good day?

Click to expand...

With every day
you pull away
a little bit more from me...

Not man enough to burn me right, cut us cleanly to spare yourself at least these purgatory fights... But you'd rather I just MANnequin cuz if I stay through your abuse, you think it's not a sin.

delete

For the past two or three years, I have just been getting the cold nonstop. Or something. I don't usually get the flu (maybe once a year?). But I have a cold like two or three times a month. And this has been going on for years.

It started getting really bad last summer. It was when I first started seeing my boyfriend and I'd work full time Mon-Fri and then I'd see him on the weekend (drive to his place on Friday and stay til Sunday) because he lived a while away from me and staying with him on the weekend was lots better than staying with my parents.

Anyway, I noticed then that I was always sick on the weekend. I would be tired and have no energy and sniffing and stuff. Now, we kissed and everything and he never got sick from me!

I did get tonsillitis last summer which results in me getting these antibiotics I think which resulted in me breaking out in a rash (covered my WHOLE body ... bottom of my feet, eyelids, ears, everything). Brutal. So I stopped taking them and took this steroid type medicine and for a while which helped the rash go away I guess.

My one idea is that the tonsillitis never went away. I don't know much about tonsillitis though or if that is even possible.

It's just, it's like, I'm always tired. I get the right amount of sleep, too much, too little ... doesn't matter. I'm always exhausted. It is really ruining my life. I just got another cold right now I think. I slept for like nine hours last night. I was up for like five hours and ready for bed again! It sucks.

If you say it's drugs, I want to say, I didn't start using drugs til November. And not a lot until January. This all started last May. While I'm sure drug use doesn't help, I am positive that it wasn't part of me starting to get sick.

I'm sure I could stop using drugs. BUT using MDMA or coke is one of the only times when I'm not tired and exhausted. I *can* go out and have a good time. And it's nice.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm always just so "bla". I want to *do* something with my life but I don't have the energy or motivation anymore. Well I haven't for a while. But I remember in high school, I had goals and stuff, and I was tired sometimes but I had energy too other times.

Ugh.

Another one of my many problems. I'm such a mess.

"Kiss her, for me."

There's only one 'M' difference between the meaning with a comma and a coma.

Coma white. Coma black. Cosi fan tutte.

The sly curvature of your lips is a breeding ground of little baby deceptions. I never knew you had so much maternal instinct, or that you had bastard children behind my back. Then I adjusted the focus on the lens and saw the devastation you are carefully planning.

If you could only talk to me like you weren't still 7 years old trying to pull one over on the babysitter, I might actually be able to believe the sentiments you attempt to project.

Say I stop smoking for a year and during that year you are just as apathetic as the last, yet I am engulfed in the stress of your cryogenesis and no matter how many cigarettes I don't smoke, your actions don't display even a fraction of the dedication that mine do on a daily basis. What will I have gained? Some better physical health while I drown in the loss of faith in male humanoids? I'd rather be productive consistently than throw a wrench in my life to have my leap of faith turn into a pitfall. I can't afford to give a fuck about us if you can't give a fuck to give a fuck about giving a fuck at all. I have made improvements in my productivity and decreased my smoking cigarettes but you are stuck up the rectum of a guy who also smokes yet you don't blame his smoking for your own problems do you? So why would you blame MY smoking cigs for your problems instead unless you're really just trying to project your mommy issues onto the nearest female who is compassionate/masochistic enough to listen?

Guess what? Cigarettes have never told me to fuk myself. They have never made me doubt my abilities or worth as an individual, nevermind as a woman. Cigs don't spend my money on bullshit and then get this psychotic jewyness about anything I want to buy for REAL LIFE NEEDS. Cigarettes don't make me feel insecure, and they don't abandon me. The only thing negative that cigarettes do is POTENTIALLY cause cancer, emphasema, and eventually possibly death but I'm a quality over quantity kind of person-- I'll take 60 years of productivity and calm over 90+ years of subjecting myself to emotional vulnerability ANY DAY OF THE FUCKING WEEK. And though I'm trying to quit smoking cigs so I can find the balance between losing faith in humanity and total nirvana, I can not accept a double standard of treating me like I'm trailer trash while I am at least TRYING to quit while you wipe your "Other" friend's asshole with your bare hand and an offer to lick his anus clean if he needs with a warm smile, ejaculating compassion onto his face-- and he doesn't even care to quit smoking and used the oldest most classic poser-in-denial excuse ALL weak people use who can't muster the testicular fortitude to face their problems, "If I wanted to quit, I could quit anytime, I just don't want to." ........Yeah I said that too, once... then I decided it's probably best not to lie to myself cuz I DON'T want to be a fucking douchey poser. Posers die alone, and I am not planning to make that a reality for my life, because:

I respect myself, and I highly recommend for your own sake that you start doing the same.

So this is my very first blog ever! I'm pretty excited I figured I'd just use this one as a getting-to-know-Allyson-more blog haha. So I'll start off with saying that I'm a high school student in Michigan. I pretty much hate my school though and wish I could move somewhere up north like in Traverse City. (My family and I go up there every summer)

My family is okay. Nothing too special. My parents are divorced and yeah, that was hard to go through, but I made it! I have one older sister that actually had her last day of high school today and will graduate, officially, on June 5th. I also have one younger brother that is 10. He's annoying, however I can't help but love him.

I don't really have a typically teenage life like you see in the movies. I'm a competitive cheerleader for the Capital Cheer Allstars. We practice quite a bit, especially in the summer time, so that sometimes keeps me from seeing my friends. I sometimes show up at the gym at 11am and don't go home until 9 or 10 at night. But it keeps me busy and out of trouble, which is good haha.

I also do some professional modeling and pageants when I'm not doing a cheerleading competition somewhere out of state. They're really fun, but I don't enjoy the strict criticism that comes along with them. I only do them as a way to get myself noticed by other top agencies.

I'm probably the biggest Justin Bieber fan you will ever meet. I realize that a lot of girls might say that, but I think they're wrong

I don't really know what else to type though. This was just a random blog. I'll try to make at least one every friday

First sunburn of the summer. Thank goodness I wasn't swimming so it doesn't cover my whole back! It still covers my face, arms, upper chest, shoulders, top of my back. But I can reach everywhere to put aloe on.

I aloe.

I </3 sunburns!

Yes, I know, I should wear sunscreen. Those days that you don't actually think are sunny really get to you. Ah. I don't like to go out in the sun between 11 am - 3 pm. After, before, okay. But not during!

Today I am the rind of a cantelope after it's insides have been scooped out by a jagged edged scoop to be a tasty treat for someone.

...But don't you know I've been trying to grow the seedy flesh inside you back? So you can develop into something perfect with me? I thought that was the point of this excercise in self-sacrifice you instigated, but I'm the only one who seems to be participating fully.

You complain I sleep in yet as I type this you are still in bed at 2:25pm... sleeping? Or indulging in futility again?

The world stopped turning last night and all you could do was laugh at the storms the halt raged on my lands.

I could stop smoking if you would put for the effort it takes for me to do that into the areas I put my energy towards, for the sake of our future, but you want me to go to hell while you're playing devil's advocate at a public bath house and I don't understand how, if you really love me, you would hold such a thorough double standard of effort and respect. If I murdered you would you finally love me like you should?

I want to build a life with YOU (though I swear to the justice of the universe I can't remember why), not be an onlooker to the life you build with others. If you don't have the same passion for life that I do, why did you even want to be with me at all? Did you want to steal my motivation and self-discipline? Was your plan to rape my consciousness with your apathetic cock? Did you really expect me to let you drain me of my essence so you could turn my love into ash? If your burning for someone else, you are not fit to be with me. And if your actions don't correspond with your words, how am I to trust you at all?

We cried together as we allowed ourselves to open eachothers hearts, and you said you never wanted to hurt me because you knew how it felt to be hurt, yet now- everyday you try to inject me with doubt and self-destruction, I wonder what happened to the person I cried with that night on Park Ave.

delete

A General Rule of thumb with DXM and MDMA is,
Per plateu of DXM, leave 1 week gap of mdma useage MINIMUM.

so if you reach 3rd plateu i recommend waiting a whole month.

I made a huge mistake.
I dosed, at 77kg weight, and first time 800mg On DXM.

I think i was 3rd plateu Possibly brushing 4th only just brushing it...

I had previously rolled hard on mdma about 10 days before. (200mg possibly 250mg)
Eyes were actually rolling for 2 hours lol.



A very bad chemical Reaction Occurred in my brain, and i believe i had Serotonin syndrome, Check my DXM report for full information

At the moment i feel almost like a prisoner waiting to get let out. My usual way of passing the day is wake up, take a shot of morphine or pop some, take my psych meds, get something to eat and then try to kill off the rest of the day. Basically i try to keep busy or stay high to make the days past faster. Or i get high and keep busy

If it where not for a very good friend who is very dear to me and has probably helped me more then they know i would be in a very dark place indeed. I first met this friend during a time when i felt i had very little or nothing to live for. All the things i had wanted in life and had fought for had either been destroyed or did not matter much. The feeling of having nothing to live for is indeed a truly awful feeling. For me atleast i feel like i need something to live for other then myself. Back then i felt like i had nothing at all to live for.

I cannot help but think of her and how much i want to be by her side right now. I hate just lying in my lonely bed wishing i was somewhere else. But i have no choice but to wait in this place that i hate for a few months then it's off to see her. I'm not good at waiting though especially when it comes to love.

As another dreary dawn seeps through the shade on the window i can't help but feel slightly melancholic. So as the rise of the new day brings drizzle with it i am sticking a needle filled with morphine in my left arm. I love seeing that blood pour in after i register. It means i have abit of happiness for awhile. Such is the way i exist in a place i despise.

First- You are either seriously delusional or you have a big problem with making up shit to seem cool to your buds, your "best friend?" I mean really are you gonna sit there and talk shit about people you don't even know? And are you really going to play like I'M the one who sleeps through the majority of daylight hours or spend it configned comfortably inside a 23" monitor? You know DAMN GOOD AND FUCK WELL that I have been busting my ass to get shit done to get ready for everything including getting 2800 bucks in tax refunds which I would've had if nc educ. Authority hadn't denied me my legal right to a forbearance and jacked every last dime of it, though my debt wasn't even for that much. And as far as my being mad, fuck yeah I was mad. I walked in to you hurriedly zipping up your pants and buckling your belt and you left in such a rush that you forgot to lock up your goods, as you religiously otherwise do. And oh yeah, there was still some dried something on the desk and the webcam... I wouldn't think there's anything wrong with greeting me naked but trying to hide your hanks makes me think you don't want to question the boner it seemed you were trying to hide. Plus you didnt even kiss me bye, so that just reeks of guilt but what do you have to be guilty about? and I'm sorry to have to be the one to give you this memo but making up fake complaints around completely fabricated info to get some mangina sympathy in order to create a false sense of bro-superiority and hollow connection is not only the MOST unsexy thing a guy could do, it's at the core completely unhealthy, aside from the obvious neediness and being utterly pathetic.
Second- I am not jealous of your friends. My friends are paving the way for my AND YOUR return to LA, so let's not get it twisted.
Third- Your idea of foreplay is reading plugging ?'s/sexually explicit trip reports and coming up behind me to spank my ass and asking me if I want to fuck. And it's like yeah I would have loved to do that if you hadn't spent THE ENTIRE DAY FUCKING OFF AND SPENDING MONEY YOU DON'T HAVE cuz you see- that just doesn't do it for me. My clit doesn't swell at the sight of you typing messages to other people. My nipples don't get hard to you sitting in a computer chair, hunched over for hours. I'm sure it drives moat other girls crazy, but what can I say, I'm not like the others.
Fourth- The next time I want to ask you a question or say something in confidence, I'll remember: oh i cant cuz your relationship with your pal supersedes ours and you have no problem, still, with demonizing me and talking shit about me to make yourself feel temporarily like you don't need to take me seriously. Well if that's what you need, cool, but I think that shit is weak as fuck, and I don't deal well with weak people because I need people in my life who's word means something, so I'm not always wondering if I'm being lied to or misled, cuz I refuse to ask questions that are only going to lead to being called crazy or psycho or some variation. Just not what someone recovering from 18 years of abuse and neglect and PTSD needs in their life.
Fifth- You don't really know me... At all. Either you haven't cared to remember or you haven't cared to ask, but I am the most brutally honest person I know, and if you can't handle the truth, don't shoot the messenger. You got me so wrong it's just funny to me now because you are so off base and stuck in your parents bullshit you convince yourself I say, do, and act ways that are quite simply factually erroneous and contradictory to my nature as the friends who have known me longest can tell you. You make assumptions about how I would react to theoretical situations and always assume the most negative thing you can imagine, though I have demonstrated time and time again to be a fighter, a positive person and beyond all else, compassionate. But I swear it's like Yo, who the fuck are YOU dating cuz I needa avoid their ass like the plague. Your clearly NOT talking about me, cuz the shits way off in left field AND YOU SHOULDN'T EVEN HAVE TO MAKE ASSUMPTIONS IF YOU JUST FUCKING PAY ATTENTION OR AT LEAST MADE A CONSCIOUS EFFORT TO BE ABLE TO!!
Sixth- I see who and what you are, the only person still buying the bullshit is you. I'm trying to build something but you can't spend money fast enough on material things you think can replace the satisfaction of developing self-discipline, setting goals and using your talents to achieve them, and the reality is: the things you put your time and energy into are the things you care about. If you don't want to work for it, then you don't really want it or you're lazy- both are equally fucked. All I want is a best friend who I can be sexually open and guilt-free with and if you are looking for anything less from this, then I can't continue. I need to know the power of my commitment isn't being wasted, because sex doesn't mean shit to me if I'm not connected on a real level, and more importantly- if YOU aren't connected to me on the same level.

A tornado touched down briefly in Kansas City today. Within a few minutes of the sirens going off, I started receiving text messages from family and friends notifying me that a tornado had touched down just a few miles away from my home. How did I react to this weather drama? I updated my Facebook status, then promptly left work and headed home to make sure that my drugs and my pet goldfish Cthulhu were okay.

Ok whts up every1 my name is cassandra and i got a major problem...after a yr of being on probation i jus got off april 27th. So of course im guna toke it up cus i have missed my lady MaryJane lol. But tha problem is i had court on may 19th and they have put me on colors and i gotta drop 3 times a month. i got 2 call everyday 2 make sure i dont gotta test. bt see ive been blazn up tha ass since i got off probation and now i gotta get it out. if nt i culd lose my 2yr. old son. YES i kno im fuckn retarded bt i didnt kno this was guna happn..so duz any1 kno how 2 get bud outta ur system after tokn it up 4 tha past 3wks??? Any help wuld really help!!
STONER-4-LIFE!!! =)

now i know why everyone in my family does it. The carefree feeling It feels so good not giving a shit about the stuff that i wanna kill myself over. It doesnt feel good that i always have the awareness of what a substance is doin to me so i know this feeling wont last. Atleast untill i have a beer tomorrow morning. Then ill be A Ok Someone told me the other day that they would rather me be a tweaker then be an alcoholic. But drinkin is just so much easier. fml