Blogs

So this is my very first blog ever! I'm pretty excited I figured I'd just use this one as a getting-to-know-Allyson-more blog haha. So I'll start off with saying that I'm a high school student in Michigan. I pretty much hate my school though and wish I could move somewhere up north like in Traverse City. (My family and I go up there every summer)

My family is okay. Nothing too special. My parents are divorced and yeah, that was hard to go through, but I made it! I have one older sister that actually had her last day of high school today and will graduate, officially, on June 5th. I also have one younger brother that is 10. He's annoying, however I can't help but love him.

I don't really have a typically teenage life like you see in the movies. I'm a competitive cheerleader for the Capital Cheer Allstars. We practice quite a bit, especially in the summer time, so that sometimes keeps me from seeing my friends. I sometimes show up at the gym at 11am and don't go home until 9 or 10 at night. But it keeps me busy and out of trouble, which is good haha.

I also do some professional modeling and pageants when I'm not doing a cheerleading competition somewhere out of state. They're really fun, but I don't enjoy the strict criticism that comes along with them. I only do them as a way to get myself noticed by other top agencies.

I'm probably the biggest Justin Bieber fan you will ever meet. I realize that a lot of girls might say that, but I think they're wrong

I don't really know what else to type though. This was just a random blog. I'll try to make at least one every friday

First sunburn of the summer. Thank goodness I wasn't swimming so it doesn't cover my whole back! It still covers my face, arms, upper chest, shoulders, top of my back. But I can reach everywhere to put aloe on.

I aloe.

I </3 sunburns!

Yes, I know, I should wear sunscreen. Those days that you don't actually think are sunny really get to you. Ah. I don't like to go out in the sun between 11 am - 3 pm. After, before, okay. But not during!

Today I am the rind of a cantelope after it's insides have been scooped out by a jagged edged scoop to be a tasty treat for someone.

...But don't you know I've been trying to grow the seedy flesh inside you back? So you can develop into something perfect with me? I thought that was the point of this excercise in self-sacrifice you instigated, but I'm the only one who seems to be participating fully.

You complain I sleep in yet as I type this you are still in bed at 2:25pm... sleeping? Or indulging in futility again?

The world stopped turning last night and all you could do was laugh at the storms the halt raged on my lands.

I could stop smoking if you would put for the effort it takes for me to do that into the areas I put my energy towards, for the sake of our future, but you want me to go to hell while you're playing devil's advocate at a public bath house and I don't understand how, if you really love me, you would hold such a thorough double standard of effort and respect. If I murdered you would you finally love me like you should?

I want to build a life with YOU (though I swear to the justice of the universe I can't remember why), not be an onlooker to the life you build with others. If you don't have the same passion for life that I do, why did you even want to be with me at all? Did you want to steal my motivation and self-discipline? Was your plan to rape my consciousness with your apathetic cock? Did you really expect me to let you drain me of my essence so you could turn my love into ash? If your burning for someone else, you are not fit to be with me. And if your actions don't correspond with your words, how am I to trust you at all?

We cried together as we allowed ourselves to open eachothers hearts, and you said you never wanted to hurt me because you knew how it felt to be hurt, yet now- everyday you try to inject me with doubt and self-destruction, I wonder what happened to the person I cried with that night on Park Ave.

delete

A General Rule of thumb with DXM and MDMA is,
Per plateu of DXM, leave 1 week gap of mdma useage MINIMUM.

so if you reach 3rd plateu i recommend waiting a whole month.

I made a huge mistake.
I dosed, at 77kg weight, and first time 800mg On DXM.

I think i was 3rd plateu Possibly brushing 4th only just brushing it...

I had previously rolled hard on mdma about 10 days before. (200mg possibly 250mg)
Eyes were actually rolling for 2 hours lol.



A very bad chemical Reaction Occurred in my brain, and i believe i had Serotonin syndrome, Check my DXM report for full information

At the moment i feel almost like a prisoner waiting to get let out. My usual way of passing the day is wake up, take a shot of morphine or pop some, take my psych meds, get something to eat and then try to kill off the rest of the day. Basically i try to keep busy or stay high to make the days past faster. Or i get high and keep busy

If it where not for a very good friend who is very dear to me and has probably helped me more then they know i would be in a very dark place indeed. I first met this friend during a time when i felt i had very little or nothing to live for. All the things i had wanted in life and had fought for had either been destroyed or did not matter much. The feeling of having nothing to live for is indeed a truly awful feeling. For me atleast i feel like i need something to live for other then myself. Back then i felt like i had nothing at all to live for.

I cannot help but think of her and how much i want to be by her side right now. I hate just lying in my lonely bed wishing i was somewhere else. But i have no choice but to wait in this place that i hate for a few months then it's off to see her. I'm not good at waiting though especially when it comes to love.

As another dreary dawn seeps through the shade on the window i can't help but feel slightly melancholic. So as the rise of the new day brings drizzle with it i am sticking a needle filled with morphine in my left arm. I love seeing that blood pour in after i register. It means i have abit of happiness for awhile. Such is the way i exist in a place i despise.

First- You are either seriously delusional or you have a big problem with making up shit to seem cool to your buds, your "best friend?" I mean really are you gonna sit there and talk shit about people you don't even know? And are you really going to play like I'M the one who sleeps through the majority of daylight hours or spend it configned comfortably inside a 23" monitor? You know DAMN GOOD AND FUCK WELL that I have been busting my ass to get shit done to get ready for everything including getting 2800 bucks in tax refunds which I would've had if nc educ. Authority hadn't denied me my legal right to a forbearance and jacked every last dime of it, though my debt wasn't even for that much. And as far as my being mad, fuck yeah I was mad. I walked in to you hurriedly zipping up your pants and buckling your belt and you left in such a rush that you forgot to lock up your goods, as you religiously otherwise do. And oh yeah, there was still some dried something on the desk and the webcam... I wouldn't think there's anything wrong with greeting me naked but trying to hide your hanks makes me think you don't want to question the boner it seemed you were trying to hide. Plus you didnt even kiss me bye, so that just reeks of guilt but what do you have to be guilty about? and I'm sorry to have to be the one to give you this memo but making up fake complaints around completely fabricated info to get some mangina sympathy in order to create a false sense of bro-superiority and hollow connection is not only the MOST unsexy thing a guy could do, it's at the core completely unhealthy, aside from the obvious neediness and being utterly pathetic.
Second- I am not jealous of your friends. My friends are paving the way for my AND YOUR return to LA, so let's not get it twisted.
Third- Your idea of foreplay is reading plugging ?'s/sexually explicit trip reports and coming up behind me to spank my ass and asking me if I want to fuck. And it's like yeah I would have loved to do that if you hadn't spent THE ENTIRE DAY FUCKING OFF AND SPENDING MONEY YOU DON'T HAVE cuz you see- that just doesn't do it for me. My clit doesn't swell at the sight of you typing messages to other people. My nipples don't get hard to you sitting in a computer chair, hunched over for hours. I'm sure it drives moat other girls crazy, but what can I say, I'm not like the others.
Fourth- The next time I want to ask you a question or say something in confidence, I'll remember: oh i cant cuz your relationship with your pal supersedes ours and you have no problem, still, with demonizing me and talking shit about me to make yourself feel temporarily like you don't need to take me seriously. Well if that's what you need, cool, but I think that shit is weak as fuck, and I don't deal well with weak people because I need people in my life who's word means something, so I'm not always wondering if I'm being lied to or misled, cuz I refuse to ask questions that are only going to lead to being called crazy or psycho or some variation. Just not what someone recovering from 18 years of abuse and neglect and PTSD needs in their life.
Fifth- You don't really know me... At all. Either you haven't cared to remember or you haven't cared to ask, but I am the most brutally honest person I know, and if you can't handle the truth, don't shoot the messenger. You got me so wrong it's just funny to me now because you are so off base and stuck in your parents bullshit you convince yourself I say, do, and act ways that are quite simply factually erroneous and contradictory to my nature as the friends who have known me longest can tell you. You make assumptions about how I would react to theoretical situations and always assume the most negative thing you can imagine, though I have demonstrated time and time again to be a fighter, a positive person and beyond all else, compassionate. But I swear it's like Yo, who the fuck are YOU dating cuz I needa avoid their ass like the plague. Your clearly NOT talking about me, cuz the shits way off in left field AND YOU SHOULDN'T EVEN HAVE TO MAKE ASSUMPTIONS IF YOU JUST FUCKING PAY ATTENTION OR AT LEAST MADE A CONSCIOUS EFFORT TO BE ABLE TO!!
Sixth- I see who and what you are, the only person still buying the bullshit is you. I'm trying to build something but you can't spend money fast enough on material things you think can replace the satisfaction of developing self-discipline, setting goals and using your talents to achieve them, and the reality is: the things you put your time and energy into are the things you care about. If you don't want to work for it, then you don't really want it or you're lazy- both are equally fucked. All I want is a best friend who I can be sexually open and guilt-free with and if you are looking for anything less from this, then I can't continue. I need to know the power of my commitment isn't being wasted, because sex doesn't mean shit to me if I'm not connected on a real level, and more importantly- if YOU aren't connected to me on the same level.

A tornado touched down briefly in Kansas City today. Within a few minutes of the sirens going off, I started receiving text messages from family and friends notifying me that a tornado had touched down just a few miles away from my home. How did I react to this weather drama? I updated my Facebook status, then promptly left work and headed home to make sure that my drugs and my pet goldfish Cthulhu were okay.

Ok whts up every1 my name is cassandra and i got a major problem...after a yr of being on probation i jus got off april 27th. So of course im guna toke it up cus i have missed my lady MaryJane lol. But tha problem is i had court on may 19th and they have put me on colors and i gotta drop 3 times a month. i got 2 call everyday 2 make sure i dont gotta test. bt see ive been blazn up tha ass since i got off probation and now i gotta get it out. if nt i culd lose my 2yr. old son. YES i kno im fuckn retarded bt i didnt kno this was guna happn..so duz any1 kno how 2 get bud outta ur system after tokn it up 4 tha past 3wks??? Any help wuld really help!!
STONER-4-LIFE!!! =)

now i know why everyone in my family does it. The carefree feeling It feels so good not giving a shit about the stuff that i wanna kill myself over. It doesnt feel good that i always have the awareness of what a substance is doin to me so i know this feeling wont last. Atleast untill i have a beer tomorrow morning. Then ill be A Ok Someone told me the other day that they would rather me be a tweaker then be an alcoholic. But drinkin is just so much easier. fml

Still alive and kicking here.

Been busy and all.

Life is going well.

Gained a good chunk of weight, up to 143Lbs.

Weather is fantastic here.

Finally got re examined by a psyche and got a diagnosis. Bipolar Depression and Anxiety but I think I might also have Borderline Personality Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Will have to wait and talk about that with doc next time. He put me on Quetiapine Fumarate (Seroquel) 25mg/ once a night.
Its been alright but not the best, i think i need a topper rx, probably something to mellow me out but not make me a zombie, probably twice a day.

Besides prescription meds I have been pretty good, I slipped up twice and got all fucked up but besides that I am doing good and haven't gotten buzzed in months. Working back to the 1yr mark.

I have still been single throughout all this, jackass won't seek help for his issues and I'm not his mommy so fuck him.

I met this wonderful woman that I plan on meeting and probably having sexers with, and a relationship with. Hoping it lasts but not holding onto anything just taking it one step at a time. She's cute and nice and pervvy like me haha.

well, will update again when can.

I'm on Facebook and MSN.

its 9.24am in england, the morning tried to creep up but i saw it coming hours off, it kindof gives itself away in the stealth department seeing as it consists of one big nuclear hydrogen explosion thousands of miles across rising into the sky. made the adjustment from ''last night'' to ''its today now'' in my head (my equivalent of waking up) and came on bluelight. left some post which is probably pretty worthless but described the pleasures of smoking in great depth, and that made it inevitable i'd go out for a fag. then forced some food and decided ''i'm going to take stock of shit, just for the fun and its good to know where you're at''. and it felt better to write it down so here we are, its purely a drama free update on something you dont care about in the space before some other thought distracts me like this one is beginning to do, but tbh you chose to read. if you're bored i'll put another dotted line underneath the report when i'm done, skip down to it and prepare to fail to be any more entertained
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general status report:

pulse: 104bpm
mass: 134lbs
general state: alive (always a win )

general sleep estimate: 2-3 nights sleep a week on average, some more some less.

drug being used and duration of use: amphetamine sulphate been using for about two or three months along with alot of ketamine and a random break for a week consisting of only ketamine which is not included in the time estimate

level of use: around 1/2oz per three days-ish at peak use, i'd say three grams a day at normal use. all insufflated, once rectal however

any secondary substances: some nice MDMA i found last night, some methoxetamine briefly, o-desmethyltramadol and some etizolam once


physical state: brain says i'm not tired body lets me know i am apparenlty

Heart: nahman, heavy beating sometimes and just fast aside from that

hyrdation/nutrition: i, unlike every single person i'm friends with knows how to sustain an amphetamine habit, constantly hydrated, make sure i eat a meal or two a day, literally force it down because i know i'll feel better for it, nobody else sees the motivation its sickening. thank god they only do it the odd night lol

mental stability right now, relatively ok, in general? poor. am becoming permanently slightly anxious and am able to think back on situations and think ''maybe thas not what happened'' and spot a whole psychotic fantasy right there, in general life is keeping head above water, trying to spot paranoia spirals and if i do reach them make sure i get off at the first exit. have reached fairly advanced stages of stim psychosis, but ensure at these points i will not be near people or outdoors (this is usually by the 85-90th hour sleep deprived but sometimes alot earlier depending on how much i'd recovered during the sleep preceding) and after spending at least two hours getting distracted from another line (things NEVER GET DONE PROCASTINATION TO THE MAX) this usually causes my body to give up waiting at that point and i fall asleep in front of it. i'm pretty sure i just changed from some kind of weird past/conditional to the past perfect but cba to change it. but yeh basically i wouldn't get away from a doctor without scripts for seroquel and zopiclone at the least. becoming more distant towards other people daily but i'm actually dealing with paranoia and mild-moderate psychotic symptoms. at times when it become severe then i just secure myself somewhere and enjoy the moments of lull between the next horror sequence. lets just say as on top of it as i can be, dopamine is literally burnt to the ground, tyrosine should be keeping that depletion manageable though. and all in all i'm learning to deal with my fractured mental state very well

this morning have consumed my survival morning diet of:
one bowl of raisin wheats (for fibre and vitamines and they're just healthy
two bowls of chocolate cereals for energy and sugar and fat
one cigarette
1000mg of l-Tyrosine
100mg 5-HTP (dont have this every morning)
a multivitamine
(and i forgot my daily banana)

this basically allows for me forgetting to eat throughout the rest of the day

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report done, i'm assuming no-one's reached it this far, but i'll keep writing for my own benifit because my mind naturally assumes i'm socialising even though i've realised that its doing this i still feel like i'm talking to someone even though it is in essence myself. then again stim psychotic dilerium often deludes me into thinking i've spent the morning with like three differnt people, kindof lonley in the times i surface and realise there's only one and its me :L

ah it feels good to be on bluelight (possibly) interacting (because i am probably interacting with no-one by this stage) with people who actually have evidence supported common sense background not to mention specialist drugs knowledge. if i have to talk to one more amatuer who just happens to have more drugs than anybody else because they happen to sell them, thinking they're the fucking ''pro drug expert, find me a labcoat'' and solemnly tell you ''nah matee your guy's base is cut, get mine right mines pure, oh and it goes off if its not in the freezer incidentally'' then asking ''why is it wet?'' when they're apparenlty some amphetamine sulphate base baron according to their purity claims (which would literally slaughter all his customers if he actually had it)

bluelight also helps me keep some faith in humanity, the vast majority of which is lost when some new newspaper article is published talking about some ''promising child of 16'' called tasha who looks like fucking ghetto fodder and how she did a line of mcat and died. she was just trying it for the first time on her 32nd healthy sleepless night whilst she just pushing the plunger on her simultaneous 4methylaminorex/Car-Fentanyl/MDPV/desoxypipradol shot IV into leg and the line was passed to her and she had to twist awkwardly to do it and the needle slipped injecting several mililitres of air into her vein. anyways they're suspecting the obvious culprit here which is the mephedrone and the wild amounts of rat poison it was undoubtedly laced with.

where the fuck did the lie about the rat poison being used to cut drugs originate?

Just switched to Mirtazapine from Citalopram. Decided the Citalopram, after two years, had made my libido diminish and worse my sex organ numb. Also I would notice increased depression after taking my 40 mg tab for at least three solid hours after. Feelings of worthlessness, malaise, guilt, and black depression were not cured from this pill. I have just taken mirtazapine once now. I am supposed to taper off the citalopram for the next month - taking three tabs a week, then two, then one.... I also take buproprion sr 150.

Mirtapazpine is considered as successful as any other antidepresant, and with less side effects. One thing I noticed last night, were, in addition to a good nights sleep I did have really strange nightmarish dreams about being surrounded by beatles.

Hello all.
So here's the deal. Yesterday, just about 24 hours ago, my buddy Swim accidentally injected generic Subutex into what he thought was a vein on the right side of his left wrist. As it turns out, it was not a vein after all, it was an artery!

Thinking back on it, Swim should have known not complete the push because he noticed how light red and frothy the blood was on his initial draw, but Swim did it anyhow since he couldn't find any other veins!

Swim had 3/4 of a 2mg generic Subutex pill crushed up and filtered through a cigarette filter using about 7/10'ths of a 1cc rig. On his initial draw he filled the rig to it's max, 1cc, meaning 3/10'ths of the total content was blood. Swim proceeded to inject nearly 1/2 of the total solution, 3/10'ths of that being blood and 2/10'ths (1/5) being a mostly watered down subutex solution (majority of the powder had already separated and fallen to the bottom of the rig where it remained after initial injection).

Immediately upon injection Swim began to freak out as he felt his hand begin to burn, starting with his pinky finger and working its way to his middle finger. He ripped the needle out of his arm and frantically began trying to take the rubber strap off from around his upper arm while simultaneously screaming out loud "Oh God! Please No! No! No! No! No! No!
Swim had done his share of research on possible complications due to injection of subutex and new how bad he had messed this one up and also new what complication were likely to occur due to this mess-up.

After Swim got the band off his arm he immediately raised his hand above his head and applied light pressure on the injection sight in hopes to minimize potential problems.

His hand began to slightly swell up but went down within half of an hour after injection. Swim thought he may have gotten very lucky and may have been in the clear with this one!

Swim went to sleep about 12 hours after that and when he woke up 12 hours after falling asleep (24 hours after injection) his hand was swollen to the point that he couldn't even make a fist! He began to massage the area where most of the swelling appeared to be emanating from (the palm of his left hand) since there have been many mornings swim has woken up to a swollen hand from a miss or whatever from injecting Subutex and the massaging usually makes the swelling go down.

Swim started to freak out again after the swelling didn't appear to go down at all after about 15 minutes of this morning massaging.

Close to half an hour after swim woke up he was able to get the swelling to go down to about 10%, maybe even less than that, but now whenever swim pinches the far right side of his palm, or his pinky, ring, and middle fingers on his left hand (especially finger tips) he feels a kind of pressure that isn't there on any of the other fingers.

Swim knows this is potentially very serious but if swim goes to the hospital, he would have to destroy an herb garden he has been working on for a very long time which is possibly worth more money than the three pressure-filled fingers on his left hand.

Swim wants to hear other personal experiences. He needs to know what other symptoms to look out for, and HOW LONG HE HAS before he makes the decision to take himself to an E.R.

Swim hasn't admitted himself yet because everything he has read on the internet describes the symptoms of a limb-threatening injection as being A LOT worse than what Swim is going through. Everyone else describes IMMEDIATE inflation of the hand, up to 3 times normal size, that lasts for days at a time and possible red rash up and down the affected arm. Also others describe an excruciating pain that Swim knows he has not yet nearly come close to, Swim feels little to no pain at all!

Please help Swim! Any input on the situation would be greatly appreciated since Swim doesn't have any idea what to do!

I'm an animal lover, really. I have loved all cats (until about one week ago). The place that I'm renting right now, I offered to look after the cat for the summer for a reduction in rent. Great deal for me, right? Because I love cats.

The cats (the one I look after and my roommate's) are soooo annoying!!!!

If I shut my bedroom door, he meows constantly! They also wander all over all of my stuff when I'm busy working on other things. My roommate's cat is always staring at my hamster which freaks me out.

My roommate sleeps with her door open which is fine if it works for her. But I do *not* sleep with my door open. Never have, never will. I need silence and darkness to sleep. The litter box is NOT in my room so the cat can't sleep in my room. But he meows and paws at the door all night! I *soo* wouldn't have gotten into this if I had known that I was going to have to sleep with my door open.

The cats are obviously spoiled rotten! They are allowed to walk on the counters, tables, they are allowed in the shower too!

I have rented for the past couple years and never had cats. But I lived with cats all through high school at my parents. And when I go back to visit them, there are cats! I look after my parents cats when they go away. So I am definitely experienced with cats. But these are so ridiculously annoying!

And $50 rent reduction per not is NOT enough to put up with this cat!!!!!!!

I have made my decision to NOT get a cat ever again. Ughhh!

*Okay, I kinda take that back. I have loved every cat but these two. I just intend to train my cat a lot better!

So I have a few friends who use MDMA every weekend, usually twice a weekend (Friday and Saturday nights). And they have been doing this for a couple years. Some are as young as 19 and 20 (my age) and some are in their 30s, 40s, etc. All ages. I usually party with them once or twice a month. I have broken the "once a month" rule before but I try to just use mdma once a month and use a psychedelic or something else (or just stay sober) at another party.

I just don't get it though. They don't seem to have any side effects at all! Almost all of them have good jobs or are in school or something. I've only been using since last October and I don't have any permanent side effects but, from this website, I'm scared of getting them.

I am not understanding how some people can use it so often. I have a feeling people will just say "they will get these effects soon enough" but it's like, they haven't yet! I dunno.

One of my friends is 38, been using since he was my age (20) maybe even younger. Uses about every other week. No problem. He's got his own house, a steady (good paying job), etc. No problems.

I wish I could keep up with them (use mdma as much) *but* I know it's technically bad for you and I don't want to suffer in the long run. It is just frustrating when they are at every event with the energy and I don't go to them all and don't have the energy at them all. I want to have that much fun all the time! Hah.

Oh well ... :s

These are the days of apathy when any hint of true feeling is like a drop of blood in an endless sea, fading out of sight as it disperses into its surroundings. Histories seem unimportant because yesterday and tomorrow don't exist. Everything is simply trapped in this great ball of coalescing energy. Weariness devours fear and sleep becomes our temple. Surviving to survive our bodies become machines that we oil with whatever keeps us moving. Our brains forests of electricity that even the most brilliant men fail to navigate. The addict builds. Lost in the forest with his talisman the addict tears at the trees, restructuring all that existed before. And whether this puts him in more or less control his mind is always what he makes it.

damn it's hard living a normal life when you don't have a baseline "normal" to go by. i really think we could've had a shot at it. I'm still fucked up over losing you. we forgot to discuss the finality of death in a relationship. i might've even been willing to overlook infidelity. at least we could talk about it.
I love you.

A little list of the drugs I've taken in alphabetical order:

• 2C-B
• Alanzapine
• Alcohol
• Alkyl nitrites
• Amphetamine
• Bromzepam
• Brown heroin
• Buprenorphine
• Cannabis sp.
• Cetraline hydrochloride
• Clonazepam
• Cocaine
• Crack cocaine
• Codeine
• Diazepam
• Dimethylaminodiphenylbuten
• DXM
• Flunitrazepam
• Generic diazepam
• GHB
• Heroin
• Kanna – Scletium tortuosom
• Ketamine
• Ketobemidone
• Khat (Miraa) - Catha edulis
• Kratom
• LSA
• LSD
• MDA
• MDMA
• Methadone
• Meth-amphetamine
• Methylone
• Morphine HCl
• Morphine Sulphate
• Nicotine
• Nitrazepam
• Nitrous
• Opium(raw and tea)
• Oxazepam
• Psilocybe azurescens
• Psilocybe cubensis
• Psilocybe semilanceata
• Psilocybe tampanensis
• Salvia divinorum
• Triple cortado (very strong cup of coffee)
• White heroin

+ some random barbituates which I don't remember the name of...

Just moved to a town called medford, oregon. I have lived for most of my life in Vancouver, BC, so this is kind of a shock for me. No scene here, at least not as far as I can tell. Maybe writing will help me get to a better place with this change in my life.
Craving craving craving everywhere. I've used just about every drug you can think of, and every possible method of ingestion. Now? I'm not. The dreams still haunt me. I miss euphoria. Yes, I'm romancing, why the fuck not? I really didn't want to let go of my previous lifestyle, so why did I move? Gotta make that money money money.

I watch Berserk. I tend to get wrapped up in it around the corners of my life. Ill watch the anime straight through, sit and read the manga for 6 days straight. It brings new life to my brain and helps me cope with my own ceaselessly exhausting life. Oddly, the small wonders within the story bring restore hope and ambition to places of my brain that are usually devoted to eating up excess opiates and providing the synthetic apathy that fuels my pointless existence.
i wondered earlier if its particularly popular in Japan but concluded that it probably isnt when compared to other things. its a very long, depressing story. After the point at which the anime closes pretty much nothing good happens. While some people probably look upon the story as being incredibly dark, violent, and fantastical I find it to be incredibly real. The world is harsh, the characters evolving and the only thing to be seen through the cloud of suffocating unrelenting horror is the determination of character and will to survive even when one cant consciously think of any reason to employ it.
As the anime leads up to Guts leaving the Hawks I find myself admiring a new little realism that Berserk portrays (There are endless amount to be found and new every time which is why I never tire of the story). The ability of one wrong decision, one error in judgement to destroy...everything. Looking back at the first time I ever made my way through this story (or whats written of it so far) I didnt yet have experience with this. Sure Id taken wrong turns and made bad choices that I wouldve liked to have another go at but none so major as to completely FUCK everything beyond repair never to be re-visited. I hadn't torn lives apart. I wasn't kept up and night and tortured in my dreams by what could have been.
Ironically the last time I found myself obsessed with Berserk was right at the pinnacle of one of these misjudgments and I used the tale to bring me through it, although my head came out a little messier on the other side haha. Now as I re-visit Guts and his inability to put down the goddamned sword I find myself appreciating the story and his major fuck ups throughout in a whole new way.
I feel very old.

I don't feel like gettin up
Or getting a shower
Although I just got off work 2 hrs ago
I go back to work at 4
Fucking joy
I don't have energy or desire to do day to day life shit anymore...it just happens if it has to happen...if it doesn't it doesn't. I sort of have to do shit today, which requires shower, civilian clothes....once I get going I'm alright...but goddamnit.
Such is depression.

Things are looking a bit blurry again. Like I've forgotten things in my rush out the door. I'm constantly leaving, but I run right back. It all comes back to the same place. But how can I make that distinction? Where I was is not where I am now. Because I'm here and that's that. Even though it's the same bed, the same place of employment and the same houses I venture into day in and day out, it's still not all the same thing. Because I'm here. I'm not in a house, in a chair, staring in an Eastern direction. I'm here. So why am I wasting my time going through doors still?

I'm never in a rush anymore. It feels wonderful. I can flounder and splash as this mind lets me. But it's army time. This soldier needs to be whipped into shape. I don't have to wait a week or a month to join; the time is now. Those habits become a singular, distinct motion of my arms, legs and extremities. I finally notice them. Guess they aren't habits anymore!

i went to your fb page to show honor to you on your birthday. I'd rather sing you the happy birthday song on the phone. i still cry a lot. i thought i was done because i could say your name without crying. but not always. my counselor asks uncomfortable questions about you and drugs. i feel a little bad for telling her about it. I'm sorry. she wants me to try to get a needle exchange going in MO. it's been in committee here for years, stagnant. i miss the absolute hell out of you. i'd guess more than anyone else who talked with you so briefly.
i love you.

I recently acquired some Adderall and I forgot how good it makes me feel. I only took 10mgs today to give me a boost with some housework and stuff and it's helped a ton. It's also been excellent for my mood!

I think maybe I was self-medicating in a way with all the meth before, but I feel like this gives me the positive effects of the meth (though not quite as strong) without the negative effects.

I have a psychiatrist's appointment on Tuesday and I'm considering maybe asking about stimulants. I'm kind of nervous about it because I've abused the crap out of them in the past, but I *think* I could control myself with them now as long as I don't tell anyone I'm prescribed. If I told people they'd want some for themselves and I'd want to abuse it with them.

The SSRIs definitely aren't working, though therapy is helping a little I think. I still want something more though and I think stimulants could possibly do that...