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Have been abusing pills a lot more than usual. Definitely need to stop that because all I do is get fucked in the end. The withdrawal from Tramadol wasn't fun at all.... and the seizure I got from it. So stupid of me but I feel like all I want to do is get high until I'm six feet under. The truth is I don't and I'm trying so hard to get myself back together. It's just hard because school isn't going well (I hope I graduate), my best friend dies, divorce happening and so much other shit. Then on top of it I need to be there for my friend, who's mother is slowly dying from lung cancer. The chemo didn't work and surgery is not an option now so hopefully this round goes well or her mother is going to die. I feel so terrible because I don't know what to do.... All of this stress is getting really tiring and I don't know how much longer I can put up with it.
rejected again last night. it was all good until i talked about my hand....all previous week she sent me all sorts of bs gifts on facebook (not fb, lol =(..) i wish u'd appear out of nowhere and help me save me. i need you. i love you. i miss you.
Wash of a wash of a wash of a wash... The give/take nature of the relationship I have with my veins is beginning to teeter off balance. The utter lack of opiates inside of me right now is more than upsetting and given the current state of my world its simply an absence I cant afford. Ironic how as life begins to really ride the screwometer the less and less of a position youre in to get the drugs you need to deal with it. urgh
So here I begin the old 30 minute countdown. Popped a couple 7.5s, so life could be worse... and it probably is Im just less aware of it than I might be, and thats how I like it. While the ineffectiveness of hydros leaves something to be desired and the wait for kick-in is atrocious I cant help but be grateful for their humble availability. When the dope river runs dry...*shrug*
i was rejected again on facebook. i'm quitting that place. i miss you and love you, baby. always.
Does anyone know which jwh chemical is used to give the Kryptonite smoking blend its psychoactive effect? Any help would be very much appreciated! :) I can't seem to find any useful information online.
I'm beginning to see figures, shapes of all kinds.

Regular, irregular, simple, extremely complicated forms.

Humans do not have distinctions in their forms. They bend and twist and conform to the atmosphere. I cannot see them as clear-cut anymore. The trickery of my eyes deceive me to the point where most contact with others similar in my shape become distorted by this realization.

Shapes...
I would rather sit alone in my room shooting heroin all day. I mean I never done heroin but I am so close to hopelessness that this idea seems to be a legitimate one. I'm afraid that one day I might go through with it and I know after that there's probably no coming back.. Right now I am so lost. I have what I want and need infront of me and I can nearly grab ahold of it but I have yet to do so. All the chances to get better and I just let them all blow away. I guess knowing the fact I could easily end it all makes me feel at ease.
Tis difficult to do your wakeup drugs when you never went to sleep. Dilemma... Annnnd its just about 11:11. Have wish ready... I wish for some cash. Yes yes Im keeping it simple on this it seems a whole lot earlier than it actually is morning because ya know... Ive been making wishes twice a day for at least seven years and by golly perhaps theyve just been too complicated for the simple gods of two-a-day wishes to grant. PERHAPS Im trying to burn the forest down with a glowstick.. chucking these grandiose requests for time travel and soul revival at 11:11 when theyre better suited for a shooting star or some such thing.

Dope=good sleep and lots of it, No Dope=Bad blogs and lots of em. My fish seems to have a similar problem with sleep... minus the dope and the blogging.
I have an issue that I believe could be in this thread, please be patient with me. My situation is this, I do not have a bff or buddy that still gets or communicates experiences of the drug realm. So, I really have no one to talk to or do it with... About a month ago I decided to have my best friend (my husband whom I've dated for 11yrs and married for 3yrs) know about me and my choice on a controlled substance. Other than say the socially excepted ( cigarettes, coffee, weed, actual Rx, etc). He gave me his opinion and neither approved nor disapproved. However, it did become uncomfortable as he does look down on any controlled substance that could harm you on paper if caught(such as any encounter in a negative way with the authority system due to possession, intoxication etc.). So to make him feel better after debating every topic, I just told him that I would quit. Now I have, however I am a adult I can make my own choices, so I told him that I enjoy it and I can make these decisions for myself.
My point is I am going to do what I want to do, when I want to do it as long as I am holding my vows to him as a wife and vows to everyone as a friend, human being etc. Well, now I just do my own thing and omit the topic since no one like my answer(Because the answer is not what they want to hear).Is this necessarily wrong or what do you think about this issue? And I would really like to find contacts here so that I may have people to relate/socialize with on these issues.
Thank you, and sorry if this was confusing... You may asking anything you like, and I will decide and inform you whether I am able to disclose said information.=D
Spent all day moving for the too-manyeth-time to count. Managed to be decently smart with my medicine annnd even got a happy little surprise thanks to my dear sister who showed up with a couple points of heaven for me, whufuckinshoo.

Noooow I sit here with one 10 and one morphine and a very unstable will thats driven only by my sheer sheer hatred for morning sickness, and not the kind u get from bein prego. A 10 can prolly get me thru the night. Im pretty fucking wiped anyway. *sigh*
All I ever fucking wanted was to be normal.
I'd even take being ugly if it meant I had the one thing which I don't and never will. But I can't bear to think about that, cause it causes too much distress, bitterness, hatred.
I wish you knew what I was talking about.
Then again, I don't.
I don't tell anyone jack shit, its none of their business.
Most of the time, lately, I think I'm meant to suffer and eventually die, cause how the FUCK could anyone live with this? I understand some people can, but I can't deal with it. Its all wrong. My life is a mockery, a sick joke. I am bitter towards everyone. It haunts my every thought.
If only you fucking knew. No one can save me. Only money could.
finally feeling better than a couple of days ago. I still kind of have a stomach ache but not even nearly as bad as thursday. I learned my lesson and am never going to mess around with Tramadol ever again.
Laying in bed unsure of what I want and need in life. The clock reads 3:32 am but I am still wide awake. This is no different than all the nights before. I lay here alone in my bed wishing I had someone by my side. The feeling of loneliness is bothering me inside and I don't know why. Usually it doesn't matter but tonight it does.
Breathing is good. If powers the body, feeds the cells, and allows energy to move out of the body on command. Today, I have chosen to breathe more than normal. I feel a disruption inside, something is not quite right, but I am not sick. I will exercise and train harder, breathe deeper, and kill whatever challenges the flow of energies deep inside me.

This? This is my offshoot I suppose. I run a music blog, a political "awareness" blog, and a wellness/lifestyle blog, but rarely shout my own opinions or boast myself much. Sometimes all of the things categorized as "other" in my head need a place to go. This is that place.

A spirit trapped in a fleshy body I am, and what a strange, bizarre world this is. I am just here for the ride, and I intend to make it a good one.

Pura Vida!
About 12 hours ago I took a damned sub. And while its quite nice to not be kicking (i try to appreciate every minute I'm not sober) I can't help but feel put off... and a wee bit traitorous for ingesting this nasty little synthetic. Who the hell takes drugs orally these day anyhow??
Originally the goal was to do just this. Sit around in addict limbo so as not to devour ("devour" being a more ambiguous term so as to imply something other than oral administration) the two lovely little scraps of perfectly vintage opiate I have sitting on my dresser that desperately need to be saved for a later date. "Hey," I figured, "Since I am so lacking in self control then I ought to find some artificial means of inducing it." Such is my attitude toward many things in life.
In addition to being a terribly impulsive creature I am also a rather predictable one. So... here I sit as predicted wishing to the opiate gods that I could slam some morphine right this very minute.
Fortunately, complete stupidity has never been one of my many flaws and Im more than aware that I lack the resources to flush my very valuable morphine down the drain that is my currently inhospitable brain.
So here I sit...... counting the minutes until I can return with shame in my heart to the drug I betrayed and temporarily abandoned in an effort to save myself from the pain brought on by his absence. On this night, time exists simply to be waded through.
i miss talking to you as my friend. we laughed so much. Lord, send me an angel down. help him with that if you would. she'd never replace you.
I'm going crazy right now stuck in my home town with fuck all to do. No real friends, noone to hang out with, nowhere to go, the weather is so shitty that i can't even go anywhere for a walk most of the time and i can't even get a goddamn coffee unless i get someone to drive me 45 minutes. How the fuck could anyone stay sane in this environment? It's like being in a fucking jail cell and I'm getting that caged animal feeling that i know oh so well. I have had it on and off since i came back home.

Sometimes it seems utterly hopeless and that i will never get out of here. But since i have a few things to live for i can't give up. I can't just lay down and die even though i have bipolar disorder as well as trigeminal neuralgia. Giving up is not a option nor is staying here as i can't handle it for much longer. When the biggest thing i have to look forward to in my day is getting high you know it's a sad life then :|

So yeah some changes are in order or I'll end up completely insane.
Rough draft of a trip report:

This is a three-part report: introduction, preparation, experience. Its a long read, but I like long reads and I like including as many details as possible to paint the full picture.

***Introduction***

Background: 28 year old male, 6'1", ca. 230 lbs. I have over 10 years of drug experience. Daily cannabis, caffeine, and alcohol use. Roughly monthly use of psychedelics (LSD, mushrooms), or MDMA ("e" pills or powder). I've also tried many other drugs several times, including salvia, kratom, pharmaceuticals (opiates/benzos), nitrous, etc. I have not tried any of the 2-C phenethylamines, so i cannot compare them with mescaline.

Back in highschool I read Carlos Castaneda's "Teachings of Don Juan" books, and became enamored with Mescalito and the way of knowledge. I always wanted to try Peyote, but could never find any, and I know how endangered it can be. I never read Aldus Huxley's Doors of Perception. I should probably get around to that. I wanted to study spirituality and mysticism when I was in highschool, but my career ended up going into the harder sciences, and I continued that path.

Soooo. I have never successfully tried Mescaline. In college i drank some San Pedro tea but I don't remember it working, and it was a long time ago. I didn't help with the preparations, so I didn't see how much went in or how they did it.

I finally got around to acquiring some cactus I thought was San Pedro for myself in highschool or college (I might have been home from college in the summer, I can't remember which year), and got as far as blending the cactus, then my mother found the cactus mixture and stopped me. She is very laid back about many things including cannabis, but was worried I would be poisoned because I hadn't had it ID'ed. She still has that cactus growing in her house :). I'm pretty sure its San Pedro.

Years later now, I recently acquired some ID'ed San Pedro from a trusted source. I know that other species may be more consistent or stronger in mescaline content, but I figured I would start with the one that seems to be the most common.

***The Preparation***

***This prep is long, for the experience, just skip ahead to the section labeled "the experience"***

I aquired a large section of old San Pedro from a big plant (about 8 lbs, and roughly 30ish inches long). I'ts still "live", although the ends have dried and calloused over. I cut peice off and "planted" it, hoping it will sprout in several weeks and grow.

I thanked the cactus and apologized to it for what I was doing.

I then took a good serrated filet knife and despined the cactus by running the knife coninuously under the spines, thus removing all the spines in one strip. I tried to minimize loss of the green flesh.

Note: a good sharp knife is a must here. Cactus is tough. Be careful not to cut yourself.

I then slid the knife under the waxy skin, and found I could peel it off somewhat easily, leaving all the green flesh. It is a slow and tedious process. I tried tasting some of the fresh cactus and yeah... its BITTER. Have you ever had "bitter melon" (ku gua)? Its like that, but maybe stronger. A very bitter medicine.

I sliced segments off, and cut it into chunks, roughly 1/2 inch per side.

All of these chunks were put in a saucepan with enough water to barely cover them (about 2-3 glasses of water). I then added 1 tsp dried ginger powder and the leaves from two peppermint tea bags. I also put the juice of two lemons in there (compared to cutting the cactus, the knife went through the lemon rind like it was butter!).

The additives were to increase acidity (lemon) and also to help with any nausea (ginger and peppermint)

I turned on the heat to about 3 out of 9 on the dial for the stovetop. I let warm up and boil mildly for about an hour. The cactus chunks changed color, the dark green edges got lighter and the white inner part got greener. They however retained their shape and stiffness. I then poured off the water after it had dropped to about 1/3 of its level. I kept this and set aside. The liquid was yellow green (about one glass).

I added more water, ginger, and peppermint, but this time used pineapple juice (8oz) as an acidic additive. I boiled for an hour or so, and set aside the reduced liquid (about one glass, and browner than the first pull).

I did a final "pull", using one 12oz "Reed's Ginger Beer (non-alcoholic, sweeted with pineapple juice)" and water, and didn't add any ginger or peppermint. Again, this was reduced to about one glass and was set aside.

The cactus chunks still had their shape, so I put them into a professional juicing machine (thanks Jack lalane!), and collected the green juice. I ran the pulp through twice. A lot of liquid came out, about two glasses, and I combined it with all the liquids from before and reduced with heat for about two hours (again heat set at 3 out of 9).

Some observations:

-This stuff is still bitter, even with all the additives. Still, its drinkable and doesn't give me an instant gag reflex

-There is sand/silica gel in the cactus! Fine white sand got into all of the liquid pulls and juice, it made that annoying grinding sound when i hit the bottom of the pan with a spoon. It came from inside the cactus flesh, not from the outside. It looks like silica gel from a lab, and there is a lot of it. Its really annoying and hard to separate.

In order to remove the fine sand (i don't want to drink sand!) and other sludgy/solid material, I tried gravity filtering this stuff through coffee filters. I let it got overnight because it was going so slow. I woke up the next day, and it was clogged! Lame! I wish I had an aspirator and a flask to do vacuum filtration.

So, I tried using a french press to filter out the particulates... and that clogged too! I was able to really crank on it and get most of the liquid, but still. It was hard. I ended up tossing a lot of the sludge/goopy material without getting all the liquid out.

I then brought the liquid to a boil one last time, as I had left it out overnight and wanted to make sure it was pasteurized. Ok, now I've got my "tea".

I should note that this makes a mess and smells pretty weird, be ready to spend some time cleaning up the area. This is not something you could do quickly either.

Man, now i see why mescaline is as rare as it is, in addition to the large amount required for a dose, its difficult to work with the cactus material.

I was somewhat doubtful that I would feel anything, as i had boilied it for a long time(although i kept the heat low), and also added several things, and it was an old cactus. Who knows what happens to older cacti in terms of mescaline production.

I put the juice in the freezer to cool.

***The experience***
I was going to to into work on an off day, but couldn't get in, which i felt was a sign to try the juice. I knew it comes on slow and lasts long, so I tried to take it earlier on in the day.

Half of the juice was consumed between 3:05 and 3:25 pm. It took me a while because its so bitter. This is probably the first time I've taken a psychedelic during the day (cannabis not included).

The amount I consumed equates to roughly 4 lbs of the original fresh material or 15 inches (although the core was not used), which I figured should give me a threshold to medium dose if the cactus had a decent concentration of mescaline. Again, cacti mescaline content can vary wildly. I hoped I would feel something.

I had not really eaten much, although I did have vitamins earlier and then coffee because I have a nagging headache (possibly from caffeine addiction, or a hangover from last night).

Did chores over the next half hour or so, cleaning and picking up the house.

At 3:55, roughly half an hour after finishing drinking the juice, I feel tingly. It feels like alerts, but it could be anything.

Slight headchange over the next twenty minutes, but I am beginning to this that there may have been no mescaline in the cactus juice.

I listen to old goa tracks for a bit. I seem to be deeper into the music than I would usually be.

At 4:30, about an hour after drinking the juice, I decide to go to the bathroom and check my pupils, which often get larger on phenethylamine and tryptamine drugs....nope, looks pretty normal to me. Still, I am definitely feeling something. Everything is more in focus and more alive. It almost feels like a nootropic like piracetam.

I feel good, like I am taking something healthy, a medicine. My muscles feel loose and good, kind of how I feel on MDMA, but without feeling messed up. I feel more sober than normal.

I decide I am not poisoned or sick and it should be ok to take more, and proceed to drink the rest of the juice that I had made, which is about the same volume as I originally consumed (1.5 glasses)

From 4:40 to 5 I finish the last of the juice. Again, I have not eaten anything else today besides some coffee earlier and vitamins. Still feel good. Even if I don't get strong psychedelic effects, I feel that doing this is kind of like a cleanse/fast and can't be bad for me. There are calories in the cactus from the juices/ginger beer I added, which is good because otherwise I'd probably get hungry. No nausea noted.

At 5:30, frustrated with the lack of anything, I go smoke a small bowl of cannabis. Watching Archer episodes, pretty damn funny. I'm guessing I didn't get enough mescaline in my system for a trip. So be it.

6:25, i started cooking, I basically just feel good and more perceptive, but close to baseline.
i went thru the phone records to make sure we'd spoken since the email snafu. i wish i could remember our last conversation. i was so damn sketchy. if you were willing to try, u damn sure desrved more or better, i should say, than i gave you. it was just that you were already seared into me & i was gun shy.
1. you encouraged me to help others long before i ever knew the amount of advocacy you were involved in. that showed tremendous character.
2. you accepted my shortcomings
3. you showed interest in my pics
4. we did share some laughs & were pretty well matched intellectually.
5. we both seemed serious about being together.
and it goes on...
but it seems like you came,showed me, pointed me in the right direction loved me as you could, then vanished forever. you showed me you've got balls and that i need to grow a pair regarding several areas in my life.
i hope you didn't go because you were disappointed with/in me. i hope you didn't get mad and think this is the best i can do after all these years? wish i'd given you more emotional slack. i'm so sorry baby.
i was looking at my phone bill from 1/18 and we had got in touch since your emails bounced all i can do is speculate what we talked about during our last conversation. we were both high 90% of the times we spoke.
i believe it, but dammit i can't believe it happened. jeez!
I'm stuck. 27 years old, two degrees sitting on my wall, and I can't hold down a job for the life of me. I tried really hard this time: 1.5 years of trudging my way through a job I hated before I had a fucking OVERDOSE at work that almost killed me on the 25th of last month. All the low pay, all of the headaches, all of the hopelessness culminated in a nervous breakdown combined with a genuinely needed visit to the ER. Heroin, Xanax, and about 14 somas had my blood pressure low and my heart rate near 300 BPM. Never felt like that before in my life. Shaking uncontrollably and nodding at the same time. The embarrassment of being put on medical leave the next work day, and here I remain almost a month later with almost no hope of being brought back. My financial situation is dire. I'm supposed to be rich by now and I am in poverty.

The position was soul crushing and I felt trapped. Work was killing me already and then I discovered heroin, which was such a welcome relief compared to the mountains of expensive pills I was taking every day despite my inability to get high of of them anymore. I am so sad right now. So disappointed. So close to taking a massive shot and not waking up ever again. After 4 days in the hospital detoxing, I am not better mentally. I have destroyed my credit and it is keeping me from getting a good job, which makes me wake up every day and cringe when I see those degrees hanging on the wall. It makes me cringe that I've been offered lots of money when i was younger but neglected it to explore Europe.

I am beyond bankrupt. I need a miracle. I haven't eaten in days and just walking outside causes me to lose control of my gag reflex because I am losing my contact with this world. I don't know how much longer I can take this. I don't know whether I want to see how this story ends. I don't think I am going to be around much longer, and I know I've said that before but I am not doing very well anymore and I don't know if I can climb out.
i don't know but i'm not sure if they moved your meeting to june or april or if they're going ahead as they planned on that meeting in little rock. i just had a strong feeling of negativity flow thru....don't know exactly what it was. something to do with us.
talking to you and trying to draw comfort from you thru blogging comes at a price. and the cost benefit analysis of it is not showing to be in my best interest. Tam, it just hurts me way too fucking much when i think about you in any way. and the whole circumstances surrounding the whole fucking thing. way over 1 in a million chance of meeting anyone like you although i did read of romance that began @ bluelight that became marriage.
haha, i blew off a 55 year old woman today. she was just nosy. wanted to 2 step.
i just wish the fuck you didn't die!
Im looking to take avatars for the first time i hear they are strong and if never took anything near as strong as them im just wondering if any1 has any advice for me snd what kind of atmosvier should i take them in.
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