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i miss talking to you as my friend. we laughed so much. Lord, send me an angel down. help him with that if you would. she'd never replace you.
I'm going crazy right now stuck in my home town with fuck all to do. No real friends, noone to hang out with, nowhere to go, the weather is so shitty that i can't even go anywhere for a walk most of the time and i can't even get a goddamn coffee unless i get someone to drive me 45 minutes. How the fuck could anyone stay sane in this environment? It's like being in a fucking jail cell and I'm getting that caged animal feeling that i know oh so well. I have had it on and off since i came back home.

Sometimes it seems utterly hopeless and that i will never get out of here. But since i have a few things to live for i can't give up. I can't just lay down and die even though i have bipolar disorder as well as trigeminal neuralgia. Giving up is not a option nor is staying here as i can't handle it for much longer. When the biggest thing i have to look forward to in my day is getting high you know it's a sad life then :|

So yeah some changes are in order or I'll end up completely insane.
Rough draft of a trip report:

This is a three-part report: introduction, preparation, experience. Its a long read, but I like long reads and I like including as many details as possible to paint the full picture.

***Introduction***

Background: 28 year old male, 6'1", ca. 230 lbs. I have over 10 years of drug experience. Daily cannabis, caffeine, and alcohol use. Roughly monthly use of psychedelics (LSD, mushrooms), or MDMA ("e" pills or powder). I've also tried many other drugs several times, including salvia, kratom, pharmaceuticals (opiates/benzos), nitrous, etc. I have not tried any of the 2-C phenethylamines, so i cannot compare them with mescaline.

Back in highschool I read Carlos Castaneda's "Teachings of Don Juan" books, and became enamored with Mescalito and the way of knowledge. I always wanted to try Peyote, but could never find any, and I know how endangered it can be. I never read Aldus Huxley's Doors of Perception. I should probably get around to that. I wanted to study spirituality and mysticism when I was in highschool, but my career ended up going into the harder sciences, and I continued that path.

Soooo. I have never successfully tried Mescaline. In college i drank some San Pedro tea but I don't remember it working, and it was a long time ago. I didn't help with the preparations, so I didn't see how much went in or how they did it.

I finally got around to acquiring some cactus I thought was San Pedro for myself in highschool or college (I might have been home from college in the summer, I can't remember which year), and got as far as blending the cactus, then my mother found the cactus mixture and stopped me. She is very laid back about many things including cannabis, but was worried I would be poisoned because I hadn't had it ID'ed. She still has that cactus growing in her house :). I'm pretty sure its San Pedro.

Years later now, I recently acquired some ID'ed San Pedro from a trusted source. I know that other species may be more consistent or stronger in mescaline content, but I figured I would start with the one that seems to be the most common.

***The Preparation***

***This prep is long, for the experience, just skip ahead to the section labeled "the experience"***

I aquired a large section of old San Pedro from a big plant (about 8 lbs, and roughly 30ish inches long). I'ts still "live", although the ends have dried and calloused over. I cut peice off and "planted" it, hoping it will sprout in several weeks and grow.

I thanked the cactus and apologized to it for what I was doing.

I then took a good serrated filet knife and despined the cactus by running the knife coninuously under the spines, thus removing all the spines in one strip. I tried to minimize loss of the green flesh.

Note: a good sharp knife is a must here. Cactus is tough. Be careful not to cut yourself.

I then slid the knife under the waxy skin, and found I could peel it off somewhat easily, leaving all the green flesh. It is a slow and tedious process. I tried tasting some of the fresh cactus and yeah... its BITTER. Have you ever had "bitter melon" (ku gua)? Its like that, but maybe stronger. A very bitter medicine.

I sliced segments off, and cut it into chunks, roughly 1/2 inch per side.

All of these chunks were put in a saucepan with enough water to barely cover them (about 2-3 glasses of water). I then added 1 tsp dried ginger powder and the leaves from two peppermint tea bags. I also put the juice of two lemons in there (compared to cutting the cactus, the knife went through the lemon rind like it was butter!).

The additives were to increase acidity (lemon) and also to help with any nausea (ginger and peppermint)

I turned on the heat to about 3 out of 9 on the dial for the stovetop. I let warm up and boil mildly for about an hour. The cactus chunks changed color, the dark green edges got lighter and the white inner part got greener. They however retained their shape and stiffness. I then poured off the water after it had dropped to about 1/3 of its level. I kept this and set aside. The liquid was yellow green (about one glass).

I added more water, ginger, and peppermint, but this time used pineapple juice (8oz) as an acidic additive. I boiled for an hour or so, and set aside the reduced liquid (about one glass, and browner than the first pull).

I did a final "pull", using one 12oz "Reed's Ginger Beer (non-alcoholic, sweeted with pineapple juice)" and water, and didn't add any ginger or peppermint. Again, this was reduced to about one glass and was set aside.

The cactus chunks still had their shape, so I put them into a professional juicing machine (thanks Jack lalane!), and collected the green juice. I ran the pulp through twice. A lot of liquid came out, about two glasses, and I combined it with all the liquids from before and reduced with heat for about two hours (again heat set at 3 out of 9).

Some observations:

-This stuff is still bitter, even with all the additives. Still, its drinkable and doesn't give me an instant gag reflex

-There is sand/silica gel in the cactus! Fine white sand got into all of the liquid pulls and juice, it made that annoying grinding sound when i hit the bottom of the pan with a spoon. It came from inside the cactus flesh, not from the outside. It looks like silica gel from a lab, and there is a lot of it. Its really annoying and hard to separate.

In order to remove the fine sand (i don't want to drink sand!) and other sludgy/solid material, I tried gravity filtering this stuff through coffee filters. I let it got overnight because it was going so slow. I woke up the next day, and it was clogged! Lame! I wish I had an aspirator and a flask to do vacuum filtration.

So, I tried using a french press to filter out the particulates... and that clogged too! I was able to really crank on it and get most of the liquid, but still. It was hard. I ended up tossing a lot of the sludge/goopy material without getting all the liquid out.

I then brought the liquid to a boil one last time, as I had left it out overnight and wanted to make sure it was pasteurized. Ok, now I've got my "tea".

I should note that this makes a mess and smells pretty weird, be ready to spend some time cleaning up the area. This is not something you could do quickly either.

Man, now i see why mescaline is as rare as it is, in addition to the large amount required for a dose, its difficult to work with the cactus material.

I was somewhat doubtful that I would feel anything, as i had boilied it for a long time(although i kept the heat low), and also added several things, and it was an old cactus. Who knows what happens to older cacti in terms of mescaline production.

I put the juice in the freezer to cool.

***The experience***
I was going to to into work on an off day, but couldn't get in, which i felt was a sign to try the juice. I knew it comes on slow and lasts long, so I tried to take it earlier on in the day.

Half of the juice was consumed between 3:05 and 3:25 pm. It took me a while because its so bitter. This is probably the first time I've taken a psychedelic during the day (cannabis not included).

The amount I consumed equates to roughly 4 lbs of the original fresh material or 15 inches (although the core was not used), which I figured should give me a threshold to medium dose if the cactus had a decent concentration of mescaline. Again, cacti mescaline content can vary wildly. I hoped I would feel something.

I had not really eaten much, although I did have vitamins earlier and then coffee because I have a nagging headache (possibly from caffeine addiction, or a hangover from last night).

Did chores over the next half hour or so, cleaning and picking up the house.

At 3:55, roughly half an hour after finishing drinking the juice, I feel tingly. It feels like alerts, but it could be anything.

Slight headchange over the next twenty minutes, but I am beginning to this that there may have been no mescaline in the cactus juice.

I listen to old goa tracks for a bit. I seem to be deeper into the music than I would usually be.

At 4:30, about an hour after drinking the juice, I decide to go to the bathroom and check my pupils, which often get larger on phenethylamine and tryptamine drugs....nope, looks pretty normal to me. Still, I am definitely feeling something. Everything is more in focus and more alive. It almost feels like a nootropic like piracetam.

I feel good, like I am taking something healthy, a medicine. My muscles feel loose and good, kind of how I feel on MDMA, but without feeling messed up. I feel more sober than normal.

I decide I am not poisoned or sick and it should be ok to take more, and proceed to drink the rest of the juice that I had made, which is about the same volume as I originally consumed (1.5 glasses)

From 4:40 to 5 I finish the last of the juice. Again, I have not eaten anything else today besides some coffee earlier and vitamins. Still feel good. Even if I don't get strong psychedelic effects, I feel that doing this is kind of like a cleanse/fast and can't be bad for me. There are calories in the cactus from the juices/ginger beer I added, which is good because otherwise I'd probably get hungry. No nausea noted.

At 5:30, frustrated with the lack of anything, I go smoke a small bowl of cannabis. Watching Archer episodes, pretty damn funny. I'm guessing I didn't get enough mescaline in my system for a trip. So be it.

6:25, i started cooking, I basically just feel good and more perceptive, but close to baseline.
i went thru the phone records to make sure we'd spoken since the email snafu. i wish i could remember our last conversation. i was so damn sketchy. if you were willing to try, u damn sure desrved more or better, i should say, than i gave you. it was just that you were already seared into me & i was gun shy.
1. you encouraged me to help others long before i ever knew the amount of advocacy you were involved in. that showed tremendous character.
2. you accepted my shortcomings
3. you showed interest in my pics
4. we did share some laughs & were pretty well matched intellectually.
5. we both seemed serious about being together.
and it goes on...
but it seems like you came,showed me, pointed me in the right direction loved me as you could, then vanished forever. you showed me you've got balls and that i need to grow a pair regarding several areas in my life.
i hope you didn't go because you were disappointed with/in me. i hope you didn't get mad and think this is the best i can do after all these years? wish i'd given you more emotional slack. i'm so sorry baby.
i was looking at my phone bill from 1/18 and we had got in touch since your emails bounced all i can do is speculate what we talked about during our last conversation. we were both high 90% of the times we spoke.
i believe it, but dammit i can't believe it happened. jeez!
I'm stuck. 27 years old, two degrees sitting on my wall, and I can't hold down a job for the life of me. I tried really hard this time: 1.5 years of trudging my way through a job I hated before I had a fucking OVERDOSE at work that almost killed me on the 25th of last month. All the low pay, all of the headaches, all of the hopelessness culminated in a nervous breakdown combined with a genuinely needed visit to the ER. Heroin, Xanax, and about 14 somas had my blood pressure low and my heart rate near 300 BPM. Never felt like that before in my life. Shaking uncontrollably and nodding at the same time. The embarrassment of being put on medical leave the next work day, and here I remain almost a month later with almost no hope of being brought back. My financial situation is dire. I'm supposed to be rich by now and I am in poverty.

The position was soul crushing and I felt trapped. Work was killing me already and then I discovered heroin, which was such a welcome relief compared to the mountains of expensive pills I was taking every day despite my inability to get high of of them anymore. I am so sad right now. So disappointed. So close to taking a massive shot and not waking up ever again. After 4 days in the hospital detoxing, I am not better mentally. I have destroyed my credit and it is keeping me from getting a good job, which makes me wake up every day and cringe when I see those degrees hanging on the wall. It makes me cringe that I've been offered lots of money when i was younger but neglected it to explore Europe.

I am beyond bankrupt. I need a miracle. I haven't eaten in days and just walking outside causes me to lose control of my gag reflex because I am losing my contact with this world. I don't know how much longer I can take this. I don't know whether I want to see how this story ends. I don't think I am going to be around much longer, and I know I've said that before but I am not doing very well anymore and I don't know if I can climb out.
i don't know but i'm not sure if they moved your meeting to june or april or if they're going ahead as they planned on that meeting in little rock. i just had a strong feeling of negativity flow thru....don't know exactly what it was. something to do with us.
talking to you and trying to draw comfort from you thru blogging comes at a price. and the cost benefit analysis of it is not showing to be in my best interest. Tam, it just hurts me way too fucking much when i think about you in any way. and the whole circumstances surrounding the whole fucking thing. way over 1 in a million chance of meeting anyone like you although i did read of romance that began @ bluelight that became marriage.
haha, i blew off a 55 year old woman today. she was just nosy. wanted to 2 step.
i just wish the fuck you didn't die!
Im looking to take avatars for the first time i hear they are strong and if never took anything near as strong as them im just wondering if any1 has any advice for me snd what kind of atmosvier should i take them in.
I had to detox from 140mg of methadone at my clinic by skipping two days from time to time until I was down to 30mg. The reason being no detox would take me until I dropped to that dose. I spent 6 days in detox dropping from 30mg to 0mg. The Doctor there let me stay two extra days to achieve withdrawl symptoms from the methadone and started me on 8mg of suboxone twice daily. It's two years later and I take a half or full 8mg suboxone depending on my day, mood, cravings, etc. Look Im no saint but suboxone got me away from those liquid handcuffs.
Been puking my brains out all morning. Still sick to my stomach that tears have been falling down my cheeks. I just want this to all stop. Right now I can feel the vomit in my throat. Just waiting to come up once again.
dammit Tammie, I'm still lost as shit. i can't believe you left me this way. we would've ironed it all out in time. who knows, we could be having coffee right now. or, we may have decided we weren't for each other. i seriously doubt that, though. i was just being paranoid. I Love You, Tammie! <3<3
Been lying in bed for hours and I can't sleep. I'm not sure whether if its because the house is so damn hot or the fact I'm withdrawing from tramadol. I just stopped taking that shit cold turkey... I have other drugs that I'm taking such as the morphine and oxycodone but still I feel like shit. Also I don't get how I can take all these opiates but still be wide awake like a tweaker.
Warning: Possibility of delirium while tripping, very dangerous, please do not attempt until further testing has been completed!


http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/showthread.php?t=420034#post6850157

http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/archive/index.php/t-390088.html

Oh, in short, basically I've been wondering how GABAergic hallucinogens might combine with pyschs. I thought the visuals would mesh together well, but there is also the consideration that some GABAergics intensify psychedelic visuals on their own (GHB does this IME), so synergism might be greater than expected.

However, given the amnesiac quality of the former, which can turn pleasant lucid hallucinations into something more akin to anticholinergic delirium in some more prone to this effect, there seems to be significant risk involved. Confusion caused by psychedelics may compound the risk, and things might go into unpleasant territory very easily. Unpleasant visuals may very well create a negative feedback loop with negative thoughts, and it might be harder to put a bad trip back on track, also, if you're in delirium and forget you're tripping, one may very well hurt themselves or others in panic.

So more research should be done before any attempts at this are made (just because one or two people have tried it in the past doesn't mean one should try it now). Assuming an attempt is made, a sober trip sitter capable of subduing you is a must, and using zaleplon seems to be the safest bet due its short duration. Perhaps a shorter acting or weaker psychedelic would do as well, 2c-c, 2c-d, and 5-meo-dalt spring to mind. I wouldn't try DMT because you might leave hyperspace into delirium.

Dissociatives might make a safer bet for combination, but due to tolerance or whatever I might still be unable to experience ego disolution, so I cannot attempt this combo myself, yet anyway.
Its 530am and I'm sitting here, getting drunk.
Half of the workforce at the factory does this, so I don't feel bad. Even if they didn't, I still wouldn't care.
In 2 days I'm going skydiving. If I'd never felt truly suicidal, I never would've had the balls to do this. I don't fear death anymore. I know that the chances of anything going wrong are very slim, since its tandem with an instructor. Lately I've wanted to know what its like to fly. Not in a plane, but flying through the air. I'm gonna find out. I can't fucking wait. I'm scared shitless, yeah. But I know as soon as I jump off the plane there's no turning back and the fear will disappear, the adrenaline will take over. I feel alot better knowing that I'm not gonna be doing it alone, someone will be strapped to my back.
The repetitive, mind numbing ordeal of living with this day after day has taken its toll.
I feel nothing inside of me. Nothing.
I literally have begun to feel a void inside of me. It's hard to explain.
When I sit still and try to enjoy being high, I'm still reminded of the bullshit in the air, suffocating me.
The only time I cannot be consciously aware of my shit is when I'm sleeping, not dreaming. And I hate sleep. Go figure.
You smile, I take the cue that something is funny, and smile back.
I can't relate to your state of euphoria.
But I can pretend.
Deep down I hate your fucking soul, inside and out, for being everything I'm not.
Inside I don't even fucking want to be alive, cause my whole fucking life is a lie. A lie I didn't ask for. A lie I'm left to piece back together to make a truth.
I know that if I'm ever to make a truth out of this shit, I have to keep swimming.
So I'm cramming drugs down my throat in an attempt to feel alive, or want to live, for that short lived high.
It used to be a now and then, now its an everything inbetween.
from all the drugs. My body aches all over and I have the chills. It feels as if I'm going to throw up and this headache isn't helping. Ugh, I want to go to sleep but I can't. Maybe if I take a few more pills I'll be able to but then again I don't want to.... yet I know I will. Just like I always do.
i knew i was gonna be rejected. she said she doesn't go by looks.but he did today. or maybe because i was freakin. i know others are chasing her.
anyway honey, u know how lonely i was before we met. it's only gotten worse. i hope u weren't fucked up and thought i bailed.....or that you decided we wouldn't make it. i'm forever a misfit, destined to be alone.
i surprised myself by crying so fast after starting this. i think i've ruined a possible relationship but, she couldn't put me but about 4th or 5th in line for her attention. When we moved, we'd have been pretty much first to each other. Equally. We could've depended on each other and that was gonna be good enough for me. This woman has too many others depending on her. I don't know how i'm gonna put it to her. i don't think she wants anymore with me, anyway.
A good friend of yours told me on facebook that you were one of a kind. I knew that, because it's going to take a one of a kind woman to accept me. I lied to this woman about how i lost but have been straight forward since. Although your kids come first, you had the right attitude about letting them go after hs grad. I promised you quite a bit about being beside you not in front or behind. i've stopped bereavement because we're going nowhere. uncovered some old crap though. i've already hashed that out. don't really need it out again right now.
your encouragement concerning a needle exchange made me want it bad. I may go to Colorado to do it. I hate harsh winters though. it is what i'd like to do.
ya know, we only talked for like 3 weeks. if the love of your life hasn't got you, i'd like to try. =)
For some reason I've been taking Tramadol everyday for the past weeks. I don't even understand why because they don't do shit for me. Yes, they helped me when I didn't have my hyrdrocodone and shit but now I'm just taking them really for no reason. I just found myself reaching for them. Right now I'm popping the last 400 mg I have of it. I'm pretty sad right now but I know there is no way I'm buying any.
I'm sick of it all. I spent a year working on short term contract. My contract is almost up, and due to the economic crash, there is no money to renew it. So, it's either go job hunting (again), or leave.

If I had taken that biotech job that was offered to me a few years ago, I'd feel better about this. The starting salary was over 100k/yr. All I had to do was deal with a corporate environment (I equate this to a Middle School culture where the main goal is to survive a sissy fight in the school yard). Just live like I was still in college on 10,000/yr and save the rest. Work and save and invest for a few years, then I would have nearly had enough to quit.

but instead, I went to work in academia.


Academia. Low wages and long hours are a sick badge of honor. It is an atmosphere of constant depression and pessimism about the future. Now, Washington has been effectively cutting science funding since 2000/2001. Things have steadily gotten worse.



That is my main reason for sticking to Engineering.

Sales guys, stock brokers, marketing people... Those positions are not rewarding, and you have to leave your soul at the door. Science, Engineering, Construction, Mechanics are the jobs for me. Always will be. I couldn't live with myself knowing that my livelyhood came on the back of others, earned by shiesting a percentage out of something I didn't build because I shuffled some paperwork and talked on the phone. Those people live empty soulless lives. They cheat on their partners. And they drive like assholes on the freeway.

Another way of describing it: Sales guys, stock brokers, marketing people, managers, accountants, and a lot of other people are professional liars. They operate in an environment where people are constantly lying to them, and they in turn are constantly lying to others. When you're lying at least 40 hours a week, then lying to your friends, family, spouse, or children becomes a lot easier.

Engineers, scientists, etc by contrast are in an environment where attempts at lying will likely be caught very very quickly.


It isn't just that the science grads aren't good enough, its that the science itself it harder than it's ever been before. All the low hanging fruit that could be figured out by an individual or small team as already been done.

"It was a game, a very interesting game one could play. Whenever one solved of the little problems, one could write a paper about it. It was very easy in those days for any second-rate physicist to do first-rate work. There has not been such a glorious time since. It is very difficult now for a first-rate physicist to do second-rate work." -- P.A.M Dirac, DIRECTIONS IN PHYSICS, 1978, P. 7
Cannot fight this pain.
I am so devestated and I have a hollow inside me that aches ATM.
Am trying to distract myself from it but i feel like im dying inside.
I miss my Ex so much and he is the one person I cannot rely on/trust. I just cannot process this emotionally. Im trying to act okay but I actually feel like Im being punished for being me all the time.
Am trying not to be self-indulgent but am so lonely, I feel like a part of me has been amputated and I just dont work right anymore.
All I want to do is have him hold me but I dont want to interfere with his life and I dont want to give in to him; incase he feels im letting him in again and takes me forgranted. :(

I suck at this shit.
I need to get over this but dont know how to let go and am afraid.
There are times when nothing is going on and there are times when everything happens at once. Everything is happening at once now and on top of this i have to give up smoking. I'm going to start working out to get back into shape because i have been out of shape for far too long. Plus the exercising will help the ungodly cravings for cigarettes I may have to hoof it a good bit the summer so ya being in shape will help.

Hopefully i will be moving as well so i have to figure the logistics of that out. Things would be so much easier if i didn't actually need medication as that complicates things alot.

Ugh i hate my life being so complicated. Fuck sakes! :!
No matter how many times you look in the mirror
And you can't recognize who's staring back
No matter if you had to walk the path of the warrior
And feel like your parents gave you birth as a trap

YOU STILL KEEP ON MOVING AND SHAKING YOUR BOUND SOUL LOOSE
CAUSE WAR IS THE HARDEST ART ANY HEART COULD CHOOSE

And yeah sometimes the choice is robbed from our will
But at the end of the day it's still kill or be killed
So Soldier- STAND UP STRAIGHT LOOK YOURSELF IN THE EYE-
AND DON'T SHED A TEAR, MARY MAG, God knows they had to die.
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