Brainstew?

I go home.
I drink.
I smoke spice, since it honestly gives me a better high than pot, and its legal, and it doesn't show on drug tests...and we get piss tested at random for work.
While high on both drugs I have the will to live that I barely have when I'm sober..problems aren't as large....I actually have some self confidence...
I come down.
I go to work.
While at work, I medicate myself with various stimulants, all legal cause they're either prescribed or OTC.
Repeat.
Dispersed throughout the day are fits of jealousy, depression, and rage. If you know me, you know why. If you don't, good.
I don't feel shame for the amount of substances I use, yet at the same time I do. The only part that feels bad is due to the part that listens to society and their expectations of people to refrain from drugs and shit, or at least not use them constantly.
Fuck that.
No one knows what I go through every fucking day.
Sometimes I wish I get so fucked up that I black out and 'accidently' kill myself, or something.
Drugs are the only thing giving me the will to live these days.