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TOMORROW I finish my work placement and GRADUATE from college.

***also***

TOMORROW I move to my new place where I get to get away from my parents (who I've been living with for three weeks) and it's in the "city" and just where I want to me

oh, and I get a cat and a hamster (I like cats and hamsters)

Sooooo

I'm kinda ridiculously excited

Guess what I'm doing this weekend to celebrate?!?!?!?!?

Iv decided to start this blog so that anyone who wishs to read how drugs effecting me after 25years of use and dependance=d
after a range of drugs iv tried and the effects that they have caused each time and in the new drugs to come lol%)
any one with any questions id be happy to answer as best i can

My sleep schedule is so messed up.

It was C-money's birthday party today. We called this place that comes out to your house with a bunch of animals and basically had a petting zoo in our back yard with like 20 kids, and my fiance's sister mother and about 10 other adults, either parents or relatives of my fiance.

I was really nervous about this party, but we made it through. I'm now relaxing with my bowl named Buzz lightyear watching I survived.

Attempting to quit using tobacco products altogether.
Smoked for 4 years, when I started working at the factory I started using snuff.
Yesterday my boss had some herbal snuff shit....it looks similar to snuff...supposed to be a "safe alternative"...and I'm addicted to the action of dipping, oddly enough. It doesn't taste exactly like tobacco, not even close. But its good enough to satisfy.
Along with that I'm using nicotine patches.
Fucked up lucid dreams, I must say.
I put on a patch before bed and woke up every hour (which I usually do anyhow), and as I fell asleep I could feel myself falling away from myself...and I dreamt that I was at work and I thought, I know I'm not at work...I just left. Every time I woke up and went back to sleep, it was only half sleep cause in my mind I knew I was dreaming and not fully sleeping.
However, I didn't mind it. I don't like sleeping to begin with and I like lucid dreaming.

Ha, a childhood friend of mine just let me know he moved near by. It turns out he's staying in a halfway house in my town and just got out of the rehab facility that I met my wife in. In fact my wife's brother owns the halfway house my friend is staying in. They don't seem to have any rules accept curfew.

Which my friend broke last night to go to a concert and trip on acid. I saw him just before the concert then again at noon the next day. He had not been to sleep, said he was still seeing tracers from the lsd, and was clocked in at work and had been since 8Am. He took a shower, an hour nap and chugged a coffee.

I'm glad to help a friend out, but feel like I'm definitely enabling him. But he's a adult and i'm not his dad, so if he needs a helping hand i'll be there. I think everyone should have someone they can go to in any situation without being judged or turned away. Him being in such a shitty situation makes me feel stronger in my attempt to get off opiates.

He said he had to continue working until 8pm. He signed up for a double last week and for some reason decided to send himself into oblivian before work. And on top of that he said his parents and lil bro are coming in town to check up on him. He broke curfew and lost his cell phone, so I don't know what his plan is.

He said he pretty much had no choice, but to go to rehab and a halfway house because of some issues with his father, who is a DR. So u could imagine all the trouble my friend could have gotten into to be forced to go to rehab, but I wont disclose any of that.

It's been going well. I'm down to 300mg of tramadol every 48 hours. It's been hard though. I've been drinking, smoking and taking OTC medications, and basically do whatever I can to not take an opiod/opiate before my scheduled dose.

Just got a handle of Vodka, but I did just take my tram, so I'm going to enjoy that buzz with some herb for as long as I can before I get the urge to redose. Then the alcohol can take me into oblivian or where ever else the bottle wants to lead me. Wish me luck in my attempts at becoming sober in the near future.

when i first joined this site and started actively participating i loved getting feedback from strangers. over time, many of these strangers have turned out to be real friends.

i used to write pretty much anything, now i censor myself knowing that certain people (like my fiancée) can easily read it. i miss the freedom of writing to strangers. but i can't fathom finding another community as special as bluelight to open up to.

and i am greatful for all the great people i have met from this site

Wish I could claim to have taken these but alas it was a Swiss tourist on safari who got the photo op of a lifetime.These will be in the next English edition of Nat Geo.In the end jr tripped on the croc who the let go of mama's nose.

was that all about? I don't even know how that happened so fast but tonight was one of the worst nights ever. EVER.

I took a few ambien last night, I'm sure some of you folks may have noticed... well this morning my bottle of ambien only had two left. I took 13 ambien. and I shot one of them. that's bad enough right? well my girl comes over today and just happens to open the bottle, flips out and obviously I have to tell her what happened. so she freaks out cause she's never been an addict and drugs is drugs to her so she's all like "OMG ur relapsing, I can't take this! we're done!!! omg omg!!!"

so I spend more than an hour trying to calm her down and explain that it was really just an accident and that ambien is obviously not the sleeping pill for me. I only remember taking 4 pills. then its a blank... oh yeah I had probably 5 or 6 beers before that too....

I'm really fucking stressed, I heard my stepfather and grandfather downstairs earlier talking ALL kinds of shit about me and my friend (who just got out of jail/rehab) calling us both junkie scum and all kinds of shit like that. talking about how he doesn't feel safe in his own home because of me and all sorts of other things that really hurt a guys feelings when you get right down to it...

so here's where I stand as of this moment. at my mothers house where I'm not wanted, I want to be with my girlfriend, at her house, but she's still pissed about the ambien and chalks it up to me being a drug addict still and pretty much doesn't think that's going to change. she said some CRAZY things, talking about packing a suitcase and just rolling out on me. just leaving and not telling anyone where she was going.....I'm rambling.... anyway, I want to be at her house, but she doesn't want me there. I don't want to be here, but have no choice....

shit like this makes you srsly contemplate just ending things for good. when it feels like everyone in your life would be happier if you were gone you know it's been a bad day...



dP needs a hug, bad....

Pain Medication Controversy
The pharmaceutical under-world is looking better and better as the overwhelming price of medication rises.We see today more than ever people searching the web for pharmaceutical facilitators.These are people
that have access to controlled medication via connection or pharmacy affiliation who subsidize there living
facilitating controlled medication for people with illness such as depression, anxiety,pain, ect....While the pharmaceutical industry prices continues to rise we project this happening more and more. Never the less
most of these back door medications shouldn't be discouraged but embraced do to the monopoly that the US
congressional laws which so conveniently protect the rights that the pharmaceutical lobbyist CLAW has on the common working man that needs a refill and has to go pay a doctor somewhere in the ball park of $60.00 to $100.00 for a consolation that for (one): isn't necessary (two): he can not afford and (three): served no purpose other than to extract payment from a person who most likely is already struggling just to get by.

Now before we go on lets discuss where these medications are from. In most cases these medications
are made in the same type of facilities that your average generic medications are made from as a matter of fact a great percentage pharmacies use the same distributors for there ingredients the difference is that they have lots of capital to insure the main stream media does not in anyway form or fashion put this information out to the public at large. Also its is not illegal to purchase medication online and bypass the doctor consultation fee because these are only controlled medications. So what is it that these super large pharmacies do not want you to know well Google it.Lets see if they truly have your best interest in mind..

Now in conclusion it is the right of every man to survive without being controlled as per his health
and life as long as it does not affect or cause harm to some one else.If you disagree comment I would love
to be proven wrong. The following is a list of controlled medication that can be mail to the comfort of
your home very discreetly through a verity of online pharmacies ........
http://painmedication4u.blogspot.com/

Before I had gotten that call on Good Friday,April 22nd I had been seriously considering taking a holiday.Now,usually,a"holiday"
for me involves a couple of months nodding off by the Lake in Cambodia.However,Cambodia isn't what it used to be.My love affair with the country began at the very end of the Khmer Rouge Era.In those days you could buy a great Chinese AK for 50 US,noone cared what you did.Though there was nothing there but cannabis the pharmacies were overflowing with morphine thanks to witless Western NGOs and so it was my kind of place.I have a penchant for places on the cusp of anarchy,hence my current home.

As the adage maintains,nothing lasts forever.The country is aspiring to be Thailand,and Thailand sucks.They have finally gone over the edge and enacted strict drug laws.Though enforcement is non-existent,eventually they won't be so desperate for the Dollar and then it is all over for Western Drug Tourism there.The death knell is on its way.

Fortunately I have licit sources for my substance of choice and so my flirtation with Drug Tourism is merely for a change of scenery.Therefore I have begun looking for an alternative destination where drugs will not be a factor.I think that I may just have found THAT special place.

The northern most province of the Philippines is Batanes.Composed of 10 tiny ("tiny"as in 3km wide and 9km long for the largest) islands,only 3 of which are inhabited,it sits just 100km off of Taiwan proper.The winter temprature can go as low as 7 Degrees Celsius (about 42 F) which is amazing for the Philippines.

Even better?It is dead centre in the Typhoon Belt.I love rain and large storms.The only thing better than a Tropical Storm are Mid-Strength Hurricane/Typhoon is a blizzard!Unlike the flimsy homes one sees all over the Philippines (like the photo I included in the entry"Photos of the Landslide in Pantukan") the homes in Batanes are constructed of large rocks,with walls 3 meters thick.It is EXACTLY my kind of place.

Travel to the province is iffy at best.There ARE infrequent ferries but the usual manner is by plane.These planes are incredibly old with props,and in inclement weather-which is perhaps 80% of the time-all air travel to the province is suspended.

The native tribe is the Ivatan whose language is close to Chinese.Though Catholic it was forced upon them by the Spanish and so they have very secretive yet culturally rich traditions.

20km away lies an island that belongs to Taiwan,Orchard Island.The tribe there,the Yami,are related to the Ivatan but are still Animists.The Japanese controlled Taiwan until WWII and made Orchard Island a human zoo.They forbade the Yami from travelling even to Batanes and at the same time forbade anyone from going to the island.Japanese Anthropologists studied the tribe and that was the extent of the interaction with outsiders.So,with my interests being what they are I am sure to find the area very interesting.

There are a few hotels in Batanes,even an incredibly expencive resort.I plan on doing a homestay though for about 45 US a month including 2 meals a day.Travel is about 140 US tound trip out of Manila by air.Take a few boxes of morphine and a few blister packs of oxycone for a change of pace and off I go.

I'm considering taking Joysa but I fear she would go bonkers by day 4.We will see...Ill include some photos in my next post.

Also,Betanes shouldn't be confused with another Filipino locale,"Batances."

Tolerance is a bitch.

Started out I'd drink most nights after work to ease off the muscle tension. Then it turned into emotional reasons. Then I discovered spice, aka "50 state legal blend", which is incredibly similar to pot in the high. So I'd smoke that while drinking. Then that got boring, or maybe I just got bored when I gained a tolerance to both drugs, seperate or together. So I added addys to the mix. Now I've been up awhile and no sleep in sight for today, if I go to sleep now, I won't wake up in time for work and that just can't happen. So it looks like its down to shoving stimulants down my throat today...and taking beta blockers to stifle the anxiety that may....who am I kidding...will ensue.

I remember back when it didn't bother me as bad.
Before I came as far as I can...only to find...that I will always live a nightmare as a result of some bullshit I never asked for.
Now every fucking second of every minute of everyday, I'm reminded. It won't go away. It can't. I'm humiliated. I'm ashamed. I'm repulsed. I feel violated. I'm living a lie. I can't wear shit normal people do. I can't do shit normal people do. Why am I even fucking alive.
Who am I kidding, no amount of money could fix this. I will always be stuck with this. I can't accept it, cause its not me.

"Why does everyone feel like my enemy? Don't want any part of depression or darkness. I've had enough, sick and tired. Bring the sun, or I'm gone. Or I'm gone."

I've included 1 aerial photo so you can see how precariously homes cling to hills in Mindanao.I've also included 1 photo of an average home,called a"nipa" (nee-Pah),after its primary building materiel,Nipa Palm Tree leaves.Built with a bamboo frame,nipa thatching for walls and nipa leaves or cogon grass for the roof.In the aerial photo you cann see a lot of blue roofs,those are cheap plastic tarps over grass or leaves to protect the inhabitants during rain.The homes are single roomed,not much larger than a Western jail cell,no plumbing or electricity.Most families have several children.

The Garmin 1450t is the first gps I've ever owned that I leave up all the time just to see it work. This is the third serious business purchase I've made in three months to offset the purposeful ditching of all-in-one phone devices that do everything merely okay.

This device, with the no questions asked warranty, cost about $200 and came with a screen protector and a fancy anti-friction pad that is really good. By itself it's cheaper and comes with an awesome windshield mount that works like nothing else (I just use this most of the time because I like the gps to the left of my head right next to the window, real close).

It is almost perfect. The tracking is fast, and the maps are accurate down to where you are in the parking lot. When you pull out of a parking lot and briefly increase speed on the road, the map will do a sort of elastic zoom out to find the best distance for how fast you're going, and it readjusts itself once in a while really smoothly like it is really a camera man.

Unlike other units (and especially phones with gps), this one keeps up with quick turns pretty much exactly as fast as you're moving. This speed translates to a smooth framerate, which is one of the reasons I like to just keep it on even when I don't need it. It's fun watching something be so competent.

One thing that really impressed me was the lane assist features for the freeways. While you're a couple miles away from the turn off, an outline of all of the possible turns is sitting in the top corner, with the correct ones highlighted. When you get close, a full portrait of what the signs look on a illustrated picture of what you see pops up and takes up the full screen with big arrows showing the correct lanes. It's easy for me to see why the map updates are such large downloads if they have this correct for every city in the U.S. It looks very cool to anyone who is in the passenger seat, how it just recreates visually exactly what is up ahead for about 7 seconds.

Maybe I'm behind the curve, but I was impressed by it's intimate knowledge of the speed limit for defy little street I am on. Even when the streets are arbitrarily 5 mph faster in real life despite being just like the surroundig streets in every way - the damn Garmin had the data. And of course next to the speed limit it shows how fast I'm going, with the numbers turning red when I'm speeding. All of this is done very quickly and IMO it would take a trained eye to see any lag between reality and the screen.

I really would like to see a gps with a game-like frame rate one day. This one has the best frame rate out of any gps I've ever owned, although I'm sure there are better ones out there for a lot more money.

...:.:

Nothing like around about trivialities as my personal life crumbles.

.......

Battery life on this thing is just awesome. I had charged it through the USB port overnight while it updated maps and software, and without plugging it in to the lighter socket in the car it has a one week battery life of average daily use on default settings.

This would make it the third thing I am very pleased with lately. First came the Nokia C3-01, a basic candy bar phone with an old school numerical keypad. Stainless steel, super thin, and 4 days of battery life proven with real use. Then came the 4th generation iPod touch, the most satisfying PDA/music player/Internet machine/Skype device I could ask for.

So tired I was of this trend, that of smartphones taking on more and more tasks while becoming increasingly ham fisted at all of them despite cramming good hardware into all of them. What will be the excuse when everything is dual core in 2011? Over-ambitious software design again? Since when had a lack of communication between hardware and software been an advantage? If everyone is going to end up imitating Apple for every new generation of throw-away Android phones, they might want to also copy the lack of choppiness in basic functions like swiping between desktops and pinching and zooming.

$3000 roughly damaged body....FAG written on my hood. if,if,if,if,if to infinity, if, you were still ALIVE, we'd already be together. i'm almost certain of that. we'd still be crazy about each other. i'd love you. i'd respect you. if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if ....hell, you may not have even liked me. but I can dream about it...and I do. Tam, i'm just so broken up over this. you ain't supposed to go before you're even 50. & my 93 year old gma still kickin'.....g-damn it!

nuf said

This past summer,2010,Mindanao endured a terrible drought courtesy of"El Nino."Whenever there is a Nino Summer,a"La Nina"Spring occurs the following year.In our case that means an early and very heave Northeast Monsoon.Having travelled widely I have yet to find a wetter place than South Asia during its Monsoon.

Mindanao is terribly wracked by illegal logging and an almost un-regulated Artisinal (Small Scale) Mining industry.Small Scale Miners aren't ornery old men with cute donkeys,panhandling for gold.In SE Asia they are ruthless people who usually use their wives and small children as unpaid labour.To extract precious metals they first denude entire hills of their timber to build giant sluices,or if tunneling, to use the wood for supports and ladders,selling all excess lumber which then fuels the illegal logging trade.Then they use fun stuff like cyanide and mercury to leech the tailings and get every last crumb of metal.

This wholesale abuse of the land takes its toll and so every Monsoon we see more and more landslides.The worst one I personally know of is the 2005 landslide in Leyte that buried 1700 villagers,including more than 1,000 children under the age of 10 whose schools were covered in 30 meters of dense mud and rock.

On Good Friday,April 22nd I was sitting in our kitchen,which like almost all rural Philippine kitchens sits outside under a corrugated zinc roof,enjoying the rain when my youngest brother in law ran to me breathlessly to tell me I had a call on my inlaw's landline.To my suprise I discovered the commanding officer of our town's garrison waiting to talk to me.We actually talk quite often regarding other matters but since neither his Company nor the paramilitary I'm involved with were operating the call was unexpected.He quickly informed me that there had been a bad landslide in the neighbouring municipality of Pantukan.At an Artisinal Mining site more than a hectare had moved to the bottom of the hill.Aside from the 7 mining tunnels inside the hillside itself there was a squatter community below it.

Although most Filipinos are Catholic it is a thin verneer.It is like the Catholicism of Haiti,or Cuba.Good Friday for the miners is an opportunity to sacrifice a pig or chicken to the deity of the underworld in each main tunnel.Beginning at midnite,it then devolves into drunken debauchery and so it was that more than 120 miners were inside the 7 main tunnels at 330AM when the hilltop quickly slid.Below the tunnel outlets,at the bottom of the hill,7 miner's homes and 2 bunkhouses for transients were blown apart by the impact and then quickly buried under 10 meters of mud.

The officer wanted to know if I would be willing to donate the use of my heavy equipment since almost all farming,construction and mining is done either manually or by carabao (water buffalo).Of course I agreed to lend a medium bulldozer and an excavator but didn't have any way of hauling them to the site since tour two 10 wheelers with hydraulic tilt beds were in a convoy on the other side of the island hauling rice.Calling me back in 15 minutes the officer asked me to move the pieces out to the hiway,3km distant and the military would pick them up.Finally arriving on the hiway I was shocked when I heard the sound of rotors.The Philippine Air Force (PAF) doesn't operate in inclement weather unless an absolute emergency is taking place and even then usually won't do so.I was even more shocked when the copter began to set down on the hiway (when I say"hiway"I mean a 2 lane paved road with little traffic.Filipinos walk down its centre,that's how few people utilise it).Apparently they thought that I would allow them to tow my pieces.When a copter tows they use a heavy duty copter with 4 chains underneath.The copter then carries the piece under it,just so.This being the Philippines I would never be indemnified if they landed hard,a chain snapped or an insurgent fired an RPG or machinegun (50 cal and 60MM would destroy it).I told them it wasn't going to happen .Angry,there wasn't much they could do.Trying to help,realising lives might hang in the balance I did offer to make some calls to some friends who may be able to lend a hand.I have a mate who manages the base camp of Russell Mining and National Development.Russell is a US-based multi-national and the base camp is a mere 4km from Barangay Kingking,the section in Pantukan where the disaster took place.I called,of course he complied and sent over 1 D9,a dozer with a 4.5 meter wide blade.I also called Apex Mining as well a 2nd multi-national and they sent a crew of labourers and an engineer.A person might imagine that the town's mayor might have done these things but not in the Philippines.

I spent 5 days out there,but we only recovered 14 bodies and rescued 9.Officially there are 8 people missing so that the death toll is 22,or so the government says.The truth of the matter is that well over 120 died there.We even have the names and addresses but the government minimalises such things to avoid Senate Panels and Congressional Hearings (the government is modeled on the American system,pity them.

I will get the rest in my next post,though my following post will be a few photos of the disaster.

I'm feeling like utter shit. I haven't smoked meth for a couple of days and I'm now passing the "coming down" stage and entering the dreaded "withdrawal" stage. Getting restless, anxious, depressed, grumpy as hell, blah blah blah.

The worst part is that I have $200 tucked away, all ready to spend, but I'm meeting a friend early next week who's a recovering addict and I don't wanna be using (or obviously coming down) while I'm hanging out with her. It ain't easy, but I'm gonna try to hang in there. There's an NA meeting tonight which I'm planning to go to for a bit of support.

I've been dosing up on clonazepam to numb the withdrawals, which does help. Unfortunately I'm so tolerant to this stuff that I need a huge dose (much more than my prescribed dose) for it to work. Still, benzos are a godsend when you're in the middle of meth withdrawals. If I didn't have any, I'd be going totally crazy right about now.

Thursday, May 12, 2011 8:30am
Starting Blog today
Attempting to quit daily use of narcotics by weening myself off w/ the drug stash I currently have. I hope to not purchase any more. I do not have any funds at the moment and feel bad enough about the money I have to borrow from my fiance to keep making my monthly payments on debt and my phone bill, not to mention room and board. Anyways this is my first time making a blog so bear with me.

Smoking a bowl, bout to share a half a cig with my girl then brush my teeth and use the last of my white strips. Watching Sportscenter.

i started writing this earlier in the week and never got back to finishing it. the crazy thing is that i am now moving very shortly.

my husband got a job offer yesterday and starts in 3 weeks. its crazy to think i was whining about wanting to move earlier this week and not freaking out about how quickly he (we) need to move.
____________________________________
i am getting really annoyed at people questioning why i want to move. its pretty, i have wanted to leave this area since i graduated college. at the time, i was content to move anywhere that is not here. while that still holds true, i really want to move back to the pacific northwest.

as for the first part, there are lots of things i dislike about living here. one point is my parents. we get along better than i did while growing up but i am never going to see eye to eye with my mother on many things. when i lived out of state, we had far less fights about stupid issues. currently, she likes to gossip to people about my marriage and motivations for moving to seattle. she will get upset when i call them to do something, because i did not call for every inane thing i do. and i've posted on here before about not feeling close to my extended family. i feel just as uncomfortable in a room of first cousins or a room of total strangers.

i also feel really stagnant here. i feel lazy saying teaching is all i can do, but it is for a job i can get with minimal effort. i could try to aggressively market myself for other positions or finish my masters around here. but it won't get rid of my desire to leave ohio. moving did not fix a lot of issues i have, but i still felt more content than i do here.

part of it is from friends. i feel like many friends in ohio see J and as i one person. or accept the other because they are friends with one of us. i feel like the people i know in seattle know just me. and that makes me feel more comfortable around them. which means i feel less odd about hanging out.

A lifetime ago I was watching Berserk with some lover whose name I cant remember and when he severed his own hand to save the girl he loved and I turned to my own lover whose time with me was limited and said "Youre my Guts but you wouldnt do that for me."
He replied "Its just a TV show."
Time slowed down. It isnt just a TV show. Its not. I wouldve cut off my head for him. And latter I considered trying just so that I could forget him. Love is cruel to the devoted. It tears out our souls then turns us into villains.