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I am beginning to understand why "the holidays" are such a trigger for people who are grieving the loss of someone they love.Thanksgiving has never been about extended family for us because we don't live near family. But we created a family with a few friends that either are estranged from family or, like us, don't live near their relatives. So we do have the tradition of making a big meal for about 11-17 people on Thanksgiving day and opening our little house up to about five of them that come from the city to camp out on the floor and couch. It's always a big production just because we have a very small kitchen and getting all those dishes out and onto the table takes strategy and making tables to accomodate that many people in our living room is a challenge, etc. But it always was a good kind of production.

This has been going on for years and our "Thanksgiving family" has known Caleb since he was born. When he was younger Caleb loved this holiday. When the pies were made and the turkey and side dishes were in the oven, he and I had a tradition of taking a walk down the street to some public buildings that have pyrrecanthus berries growing in the parking strip. We would gather colored leaves along the way and cut some berries and then when we came home we would add flowers from our yard and persimmons and make our decorations down the middle of the table.The last few years were painful because Caleb was either so depressed that he couldn't participate or so high that he couldn't. Last year, my husband and I and Caleb just packed our gear and went camping in the high desert for Thanksgiving. It was a decision that we made because there is nothing worse than faked celebration. When he was depressed we tried to draw him out, to distract and cajole him into the laughter. It was a terrible experience for him and for us.

Which ones are beter

Another blog.

Last night I realized that I've been sharing my weaknesses too much with people (who I've never met), and if I keep doing that, then I might not ever get to meet them, or continue to socialize with them.

It would be nice to meet a bunch of bluelighters, the ones I''ve spoken to - but also I need to get offline, out into the sun, and see the real people already in my life - be thankful for what I already have and build on those relationships. Which is something I haven't made the effort to do enough before - always seeking greener pastures.

I make the excuse I have nothing to do - I have plenty to do.

Sharing tales of sexual antics is one thing, but sharing everything else is too much - I share too much information about myself.

A year ago I made a conscious decision to not talk so much, and listen more, and I will start doing the same thing online as well - talk less, watch things more...when I'm researching stuff online, or writing emails etc.

I've got a lot to learn, and I'm going to powerhouse it!!

Art to share, love to share, music to share, smiles to share.

Do doctors care about their patients?

I would argue they most likely dont, and just see it as a career thing. For instance, many asian familys in the uk want their children to be doctors, hence why we have so many..

I guess its a good career for the prestige and sometimes incomprehensible recognition for the 'good they do' but is it just a money making, detached profession? My suspicion is your doctor is covering his own back and does not give a fuck about you or me...

Why do people smother them in admiration?

So went to my psyche a week ago and we talked about my current state. We all thought bipolar wasn't an option because the depression is gone but apparently rapid moods and anger is enough to have that label.

I have had anger management issues, well my whole life. Minimal for most of that time. It really came to forefront when I got pregnant with my first child (my daughter) then again that might have been pregnancy rage LOL besides then the only time my anger got bad was when my #2 child (my son) was 2 years old, and then not much. It got really bad about 2 years ago.

Its funny when they say "Oh she snapped and freaked out". Ever have a feeling of literally snapping and freaking out. That happened when I was with Terry (my ex) when I got in a fight with him, not even sure what it was about but it was something to make me really angry. I snapped, yelled, and left with austin to a family shelter for 2 days. I calmed down and we went back home.

This year has been the worst out of it all. I have snapped way more than normal. I have snapped 3 times in 3 months. I get angry on a daily basis, several times a day. Its all over stupid stuff, the anger not the snapping. I hit a wall so I wouldn't hit my girlfriend.

All highly unacceptable in my books.

I have also been crying when I get into arguments with my girlfriend and either she says she's leaving or she frustrates me.

Crying is fine but not in those situations, that's completely ridiculous. I am fine with crying when its for something upsetting or hell even from fantastic love making (not that I have but still...).

So as I was stating I saw my psyche and he recommended changing my meds, which needed to be done anyhow since Seroquil caused me to have brain zaps but it did help me out a tad when I gained 20Lbs.

The psyche wants me on Risperidone and Lithium. Only thing about Risperidone that I don't like is the possible lactation lmfao I just stopped breastfeeding austin a year ago (+/-) and I don't need leaky tits again lmao

Okay, all joking aside, I just don't want to be a zombie. I wish I could just go on Clonazepam but apparently that's a controlled substance now and lil ole me who has a history of addiction -- yeah well he didn't want to give it to me. I think all I need is something to calm me down during the day and I'll be just fine.


I came to the realization that a friend of mine is stuck in a psychosis, its obvious only at times but when they talk about certain things its very obvious. Its not a dangerous psychosis BUT it is one none the less.

I think the person is realizing it slowly and is talking about seeking help. They never go and actually do it and they keep setting dates to when they will go and get help but never go through. I am not even family so I can't push it and talking about it too much would be nagging and I don't want to nag and turn it into that they resent it all and NEVER get help.

I guess I'll have to gently mention it when it comes up again.

We'll see.

I was suggested by my gf to seek out a group or counseling to talk about what has happened in my life.

Is there a "Mybrotherisapedoandrapedmybestfriendwhenshewasalittlekidandmyfamilyiscrackheadsandsoldeverythingwehadandweneverhadheatorhotwatermymomwaspsychobecauseofitallandmydadhadangerissuesbutinevergotmistreatedorbeatohandmydaughtergotstolebyherdadwhenshewas3yrsoldandineverdidanythingaboutitandnowihavebabydaddydramawithmyexandallineedisavliumtocalmmynervesandmaybesomepillthatworkslikeMDPVtomakemenotsolazy" kinda group??

I think I might be slipping again because I keep thinking maybe using PV would help me out. I know I could do just fine without it though.

Meh, what a life. LOL.

My girlfriend and I are doing great. More about us in another post another day.

Hey I'm a new user and I would really appreciate any info on which spills in kenya (which is in east Africa) the pills on sale are generally blue b-29's with lil blue crystals on them and the side on which the print is on is flat. These pills are the best ones in the country for the last months, then came puma's which werent fine caus I was pretty sure the re was mda in them. Rut now it's transformers (all colors) and the blue ones r pretty good.

Behind a cut because I can't figure out how to resize them...

I deleted a few journal entries out earlier on. I slept like a log last night and have only now (at 16.38) managed to drag myself from my bed to do anything useful. I guess I needed the rest. It's rare I sleep for a whole night, I average about five hours a night at the moment. I sat in bed a little earlier and thought to myself that maybe I need to stop spewing so many personal thoughts on this blog. It's been so easy to be open on here because nobody knows who I am, but I fear that could change. Probably my own sense of paranoia.

I've left a few bits and bobs up but felt some of the other entries could go, as there was one issue in particular that I kept pushing when there was no real good to come of doing so

Now that I'm up and about (albeit in my pjs) I've tidied the flat after yesterday's creative extravaganza. The only real victim was a long, shaggy fake fur rug that I got brown acrylic paint on. I'm not really that bothered to be honest as I've had it for years and it was starting to look a bit crappy. I'll replace it next month with something a bit more suitable. I wouldn't bother but the carpets in the flat are shit. They're basically brown nylon corduroy. To be fair I don't think the landlord made much effort as the last tenant that was in here stole all the furniture (it used to be a fully furnished flat, I got it empty) and I think he'd came to the conclusion that nobody was worth making the effort again for. It worked out better for me because I had been stashing away furniture from when my grandparents passed away. I lost them all in the space of 18 months which was really fucking harsh. There was a lot thrown out so I put aside the things I wanted. Result is a retro, yet slightly hippie, living space. I love it even though the flat is tiny.

I need to try and clear the space a bit though. I've got a vinyl collection that lives on the floor. A mass of shoes in a corner. A cupboard full of stuff I don't use. Coats are hung on the back of doors. I'm sure a coat rack would remedy things.

I've got some lavender oil and some nag champa burning to try and cleanse the air a bit. The ventilation in here isn't adequate which means that if I'm not careful it gets damp. I have got the dehumidifier on the go and I've got a couple of halogen heaters to dry the air out. Unfortunately there was only one heater when I moved in, a storage heater, and it's buckled which means it doesn't retain the heat and it's also very expensive to run on a key meter. The halogen heaters work fine though. I'll be getting an oil filled heater at the end of the month.

So I'm listening to Union Jack, who produced an album of great REAL trance music back in the nineties. I saw them at Solfest, they were absolutely amazing. I hope I get to Solfest next year. And Eden. I missed going. But there were reasons that I couldn't. I will need to look up the Wigton lot as I would love to see them again. I miss those times, such decent people, and such a laugh. I'm just really worried that my back won't stand up to four nights in a tent. I gues if I can get a lift there I can take an inflatable mattress and I've always got valium or dihydrocodeine if it gets bad but after 09 when I got ill... I would hate to be ill and unable to get home again. We'll see. I think if I can get my weight down then my back won't be under so much strain. As of tomorrow I'm on strict rations and will be doing a three mile walk five days out of seven.

I realised the only reason I've put on a few pounds is because I'm eating my emotions. I've been all introverted and hiding away with snacks has just kind of comforted me and passed the time. Not up for that anymore though. I want to get back to the size I was when I was 24. It's not that much of a difference really, about half a stone would do it, it just feels really far away. As I get older I don't gain weight in the same places anymore. I need to maintain a good figure if I'm going to get away with not looking 30. I feel quite lucky, everyone I meet thinks I'm under 25! I always get ID'ed for booze and cigarettes as of next birthday I won't be revealing my age to anyone. I'm not ready to grow up yet. I don't know why I should have to. As long as I'm responsible for my own actions and don't hurt anyone I shouldn't feel socially pressured into "a career" or "kids" or "marriage" or anything. I'm one of the only people I know of my age who is not married or babied up but I'm ok with that. Being single does suck quite badly but unless I can figure a way to go back and reverse time the man that I should still be with today is not going to want me. I miss him so bad. He taught me nearly everything that is relevant and important in my life. He introduced me to Morrissey. Encouraged my writing. He was my muse. I've not been able to write very well unless it's been about him. Anyway enough about that, there's nothing I can do to change things.

I'm hopeful that this week at work won't be as bad as usual because I'm working 8am to 4pm all week. At least I'll get home at a decent time. I tend to work better early in the day. The 12pm to 8pm shift is a total killer. Doing a week of them twice a month is a total gruel.

I'll need to start thinking about the uni course and photography course again.

I might see if I can figure out to post a few photos that I took up on here. Not that I'm sure anyone reads this. But would be nice to put some up anyway. I'll open a photobucket account and see if I can figure it out.

There's little doubt in my mind that last night was something I was working towards since I started with research chemicals at the beginning of the year.

The dissatisfaction with being alone and the feeling of leading an empty and pointless life, no matter how relatively comfortably off I am, slowly culminated in last night's wake-up call.

Not only did I start drinking during the last few weeks, which I didn't do before, but the frequency of RC-use increased also from once a week to three or four times a week. MXE, trypts- and 2C-Xs, cathinones, O-des, you name it. Never mixed them though, just one RC at the time and no redosing.

Until yesterday.

I started with some 4-MEC early in the afternoon. It didn't do much but in combination with beer it gave a nice buzz regardless. So around 6 PM the time came to prepare 15mg of 2C-E. Took the cap on a full stomach, went for a bike ride and came back without feeling much. Watched a movie and during the movie, somehow, the 2C-E sneaked up on me with a vengeance. Very lovely and nothing really out of the ordinary.

It wasn't enough though.

You know how you can make a decision you know you'll regret but still do it anyway? Right. Taking the MXE out was that kind of a decision.

30 mgs sublingual washed away with beer. Didn't appear to do much and twenty minutes later another 15 mgs went down the same way.

I watched movies the whole night and that kept me grounded, I guess. When I felt the MXE taking hold of me the fact I was watching a movie kept me together, but then.. it finished.

Everything else finished too. My time and place in reality, the room I was in, the inner monologue of thought, every boundery of self just melted away into a state of profound confusion and sadness.

"Now you've done it" was my last thought before I crawled into bed incapable of recognizing anything except a sense of loss permeating every fibre of my body.

I'm not unfamiliar with having the sensation of hearing someone else's thoughts during trips. I quite enjoy it when that happens actually because there's always an incling that it's drug induced. Not so in this case.

Different thoughtpatterns took over. They flowed from an elderly gentleman into a nordic shaman back to confusion, back to me until I slipped away again.

I can't tell you how long this lasted. Time did not exist in a meaningful way. I do remember that at one point I was able to remind myself of my age, which grounded me somewhat.

When everything subsided into a manageable state of affairs I took two Etizolam and tried to get to bed knowing that sleep cures all. It took a good while before drifting off into a welcome oblivion.

This morning I woke up without a hangover. Slightly tired and intimidated by the whole ordeal, but what the real consequences are of this trip waits to be seen during the coming week. Integration is key and I definitely need to remind myself of this night next time I feel the urge to delve into my little Pandora's box because the way things are going it could very well end up somewhere I don't want to be.

Time to turn over a new leaf.

i need to find some junkie friends in this area i really shouldnt be doing that stuff but the boredom is killing me i dont have my car right now i dont have a job and i am not in school i feel a little lost but then again when havent i felt a little lost its like a perfect day outside and i dont know know what to do

Long ago I had said I would post photos of what I feel is the most attractive part of the Philippines, the northern most province, Batanes, is a small set of volcanic outcroppings within sight of Taiwan. The indigenous tribe, the Ivatans, speak a non-Austronesian Language (unlike virtually all other Philippine groups) that is a lot closer to Southern Chinese dialects.

Prone to typhoons (Pacific equivalent to hurricanes) which hit it dead centre at least five times a year and often more, the Ivatan traditionally build their homes of stone with walls one meter (3 ft) thick. Roofs are straw thatch so that they look more at home in the Hebrides are Shetland than in Southeast Asia. All the more so given a winter temprature that sometimes dips below freezing.

Get a fucking life and a perspective

Where did all the time go? When the fuck did I start getting older? And why does it feel like there's nothing to look forward to anymore???

Hello! I am a 16 year old female who was diagnosed with a severe case of ADD roughly around 6 to 9 months ago. I have ADD not ADHD therefor instead of being hyperactive, i am apathetic. I was given a prescription for Vyvanse 40 mg which recently got upped to 60 mg. My life has changed greatly from the effects of a stimulant. I now enjoy learning, I look forward to school, and I succeed at mostly anything I put my mind to..Before I was put on medication i was impulsive, I acted out of irrationality, I never thought about consequences, I was a problem child. Now it seems I am learning things day by day that I should have learned a long time ago.

Vyvanse helps my concentration, BUT I am experiencing a surplus amount of irritability, anxiety, fast heart beat, loss of appetite, dry mouth, trouble with sleeping, chronic headaches, and horrible come downs which result in painful all around body aches. I have tried lower dosages and they have no effect on my lack of concentration. My medicine kicks in sporadically throughout the day rather than in consistent doses. I'm not sure what to do, my doctor is very skeptical about changing up the drugs, possibly because I am so young. I have been prescribed the following medications to cancel out the side effects of a stimulant; which have all failed to work: abilify, strattera,and Methylphenidate (Ritalin). None of these have even made a noticeable impact in my worrying/over analyzing. So as of now I only take 60 mg Vyvanse and 7 mg Intuniv both once a day. Intuniv works a tad bit, it is a non stimulant it cancels out some of the side effects of the stimulant like, fidgeting, worrying, and bad moods. But not enough to my standards.

Ever since i started taking Vyvanse my thoughts are negative, my social situations have become completely awkward, nothing excites me, I feel like I have nothing to look forward to in life, i have forgotten how to be myself, and I get caught up in petty tasks. HOWEVER, the plus side is I am over exceeding academically and behaviorally.

I need any help i can get deciding if i should switch medications, add another medication, or just stop taking them as a whole. It is no doubt i have ADD, and i strongly believe i need a stimulant to make it out of bed, but what can i do to relax and get rid of this negative emotions? It's hard to talk to these things with my mother so PLEASE share your opinions!! thanks

Ahahahahaha! I fucking LOVE Jarvis Cocker.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TyZEPTndtBg&feature=related

let me start out by saying i am currently living in a craz ass 3/4 way house and i just got this guy kicked out which sucks we did mad drugs over the weekend including shooting dope in a cemetary and then proceeding to pass out because we may have done a lil much then the guard was super cool but he told us we should prob bounce sometimes i feel like i am suffocating in this environment and getting high is what sets me free but i am afraid of getting in trouble too as of now tho i still pop my xanax which i am not sposed to but i did obtain it legally i need something more in my life i guess

Firstly.

Morrissey. What the fuck are you doing, allowing Marks and Spencer to butcher one of the best songs in the world??? I support your decision because I'm sure they're paying you plenty for it... and you've said you're happy with it... but having a small child singing "Please, please, please" to his parents because he wants PRESENTS is EVERYTHING I thought you were against? Fair enough I shop at Marks and Spencer but don't ruin works of art!! That song was meant to be about unrequited love and now it's just the whining of some little shitehawk who wants to make sure he gets whatever the latest toy is!!!! I'm disappointed but hope that the money goes towards helping find a label to release your album. I'm just glad I don't have a television because the advert sounds like an abomination.

Secondly.

I felt so MAD when I went down the street before. I think it was probably just me but I felt so mad at everyone. People walking too fast, people walking too slow... it really pissed me off and I'm worried about how bitter I'm becoming. I used to be scared to walk into shops on my own, now I burst through the door and bare my teeth (almost, anyway) at snobby shop assistants. I don't get it. It's probably survival instinct having kicked in. Let's face it there's nobody left to carry me mentally. I mean, it's fine, but I just don't know if other people do have a problem or if I'm just assuming everyone has a problem.

For example. I wore my big DM boots and I had a blue and grey stripey jumper on with leggings. I've got about a quarter of my head shaved in very close and I have my nose and lip pierced. Yet I was looked at like I was from mars. The guy that served me at the supermarket obviously thought I wasn't good enough to be in there.

Fuck all that. If I could afford to get organic veg delivered to my door I would fucking well do it. Unfortunately I can't so I just have to forgo my ethics in order to sustain myself.

It's not so much I care what people think, it's more that I wish they would think of something better to do with their time than look down their nose at people and judge them. I try not to judge anyone but when you get the reaction I did from a few people then I would probably feel justified in making assumptions.

Well I've already post-mortemed today's shopping exploits so I shouldn't bore you again.

I sat down this afternoon to tidy up my paints and ended up finishing off the big canvas that i started last night. I like it but I'm worried that it's a bit busy. I've got zero artistic talent... I just enjoy painting as my head tends to shut up when I paint and I always start popping out lines of poems. That happened today. It's like painting is sometimes the gestation period for sentences or titles for poems.

I've got two to work on so I might just post something in Words later on.

Right now I'm sitting listening to OMD and drinking my first glass of wine. I guess it's just going to be another quiet night in on my own.

That's ok though. I can deal with it. I'm not going to lose the plot through cabin fever like I did last night. To be honest I could have went up to Edinburgh and stayed with Ailsa and Colin but I didn't really feel like I was capable of socialising. I'm too skint as well... it's going to be baked potatos or ready brek until pay day. I wish I was better with money :-/

To be honest even if I had cash I'd probably still be doing this. I am a rock, I am an island. Although I'm tempted to see if old punk veteran Billy wants to visit next month for a few days... I see no shame in it just being he and I... I'm sure he would be able to help me write and paint a little bit better.

Life is so mundane. I need something to change or I'm going to go crazy.

so i went to a sex party on halloween with my bestest friend who i also am hopelessly into, and he's not into me. i've gone with him once before and oddly enough it ended up being fine. we hooked up with another guy friend of mine. anyways this time i was dressed as Wednesday Addams, and the wig started giving me a headache from the moment i put it on. then when i got to the party i drank some special water, and he was already there and sitting on the patio trying to have stupid conversations with chicks trying to make something happen. so i sat with him for a bit, then i got really cold and then the g kicked in and i was pretty much passing out. he thought i was just trying to get attention and was really mean to me. i was standing there holding on to my head, feeling dizzy, finally i sat up and started dozing off, and he said i should get up and be social. fuck that bullshit. so i ended up giving him the rest of my money so he can get home, and getting a ride from a friend. i felt like shit when i got home. i texted him the next day, and ask what the hell is up, are we not friends anymore? i had to pretty much make him apologize. pretty sure he wasn't really being sincere. i hate him and i love him. and he's my closest friend. and i don't feel like there's any hope for me at this time. i am sick and tired of trying to meet new people because nobody is anywhere as good as him. what did i do to deserve this? i know i am not a good person, i have ulterior motives. and i feel like it's too late for me to change myself.

i am just really really sad right now. i am so sick and tired of my stupid life. sick of living pay check to pay check. i am tempted to quit my job and just give up. fuck it all to hell.

Fuck yeah.

I went to one of the local charity shops and managed to pick up:

Complete Madness by Madness
Parallel Lines by Blondie
Prince Charming by Adam and the Ants
Suzi Quattro's Greatest Hits
The Kick Inside by Kate Bush
The Fine Art of Surfacing by the Boomtown Rats

On 12".

Seriously. Who takes vinyl like that to a charity shop???

Still though. Their loss is my gain

I got the lot for a fiver!

Picked up a new oil burner and some lavender oil. It's the only scent that lasts in the flat. I've got some plug ins and I think I'm allergic to them. I think lavender oil and nag champa incense will work better. I don't know why I stopped using them.

I also got some yumms from Marks & Spencer and a bottle of red wine. I'm going to have pasta tonight so thought I could have a drink too. Play my new records.

This afternoon I'm going to get the flat tidy and clean. It's hard to do because it's so small and it's hard to know where to put things. Still though. It always looks lovely and cozy when it's done. Just wish I occasionally had a visitor. I mean, sometimes I do. But usually it's just me rattling about on my own. I prefer living on my own though.

I think I'm just a really anti-social person. I don't mind the company of small groups of people but try to take me on a proper night out and I struggle. I'm fine at a festival cos I can just drift about and do my own thing. I've got my own seperate groups of friends at festivals so I could technically go to Solfest, Beatherder or Eden on my own and be just fine. I just can't fucking stand pubs full of people. And even worse when I try to sneak off people won't let me. I'm not a kiljoy for going home I just want to be somewhere I feel comfortable. And out in Galashiels isn't comfortable. It's ok every now and then but the hipsters in this town are not all they're cracked up to be... but enough about that.

I'm making a baked potato for lunch... better go and get sorted out... get my cleaning clothes on and make an effort

I'm glad I feel a bit more positive today. Last night was horrible. I'm not even sure what triggered that.

I just feel like its a losing fight. When I was a kid we had a saying "Go big or go home" I think that one statement has caused me more pain then anything else. I have gone big I shot dope I robbed dealers I laughed in the face of certain destruction I lived like there was no tommorow yet here I am I guess there is always a tommorow. Im ready to get back on the train even though I know exactly where it goes but what scares me is I honestly cant even explain why. Its like there is this dark cloud permanetly above my head yea sometimes the sun shines but its always briefly only enough so that I know what im missing. Im sourrounded by kids having the time of there lives but all I want to do is move back to that grimey ass city and submerge myelf back into the dope game.

what I really want to do is go be a couselor at a rehab but all of them only hire steppers and thats just not my game. Theres this dude I know down here who is an opiate addict he is walking the same steps I went thru so I try to be there for him tell him that it will be ok but in my head im thinking your fucked, just like me. I dont even know what im trying to say I guess im just jaded to the whole thing I mean im really blessed family who loves me a few friends plenty of aquantences people I could chill with yet its just not enough for some reason.

I'm not sure if it's the bottle of wine I've drank or if I've just managed to be mature enough to be realistic... but I have calmed down a bit.

Life is so fucking frustrating at the moment. I hate this time of year. Every year for the last few years someone I care about has either killed themself or died. I fucking hate it. People that should still be here aren't here anymore and it just doesn't make sense. Jamie and Leiah I understand to some extent. They took their own lives. I don't condone it but it was their decision to go. Murray and Paula didn't have a choice. Murray was hit by some cunt in a car while riding his bike to Tessie's with Knowli and Paula had been drinking too much and didn't know her liver was weakened. I know it's selfish for me to be upset about these losses but I can't help it. They were all wonderful people who had so much to offer the world and I'm mad as hell they won't have the chance. Two of the worst moments in my life were having to tell Marianne that Murray had died and to tell Bea (Jamie's girlfriend) that he'd killed himself. I was the only link between Bea and Jamie that could have done it and it breaks my heart to remember her pain when I called her. We couldn't even go to his funeral. One of Jamie's friends took us to "the place" which was really difficult and then he took us to Jamie's grave. Bea collapsed at the graveside and I just had to get down beside her and hold her. I don't think I'll ever understand why Jamie felt his time was up. I wish he'd talked to one of us.

Murray. Lovely Murray. His death is the next anniversary coming up and he's been on my mind these last few days. We shared the same birthday. It was a "thing" with us. I thought he and Heather might get back together but she fucked off to India. The only two things I remember about the day of Murray's funeral was Tessie and I trying and failing to hold each other up at the graveside and ending up on the ground crying into each other, and the "wake" which was more of an all out party that Murray's brother organised after the official wake. I lost the ability to talk by the end of it through sheer grief. I don't like to say any good came of Murray's death but it's because of what happened that I met Colm and I see no shame in trying to take something positive away from it. Murray is gone. Colm is one of my best friends in the entire world. He's my big brother. I met Colm one night in Gala outside Indigo Rooms after the Fudds played a gig with Craig Jeffrey about a week after the accident. Turns out he'd worked with Murray. I don't know what I'd do without Colm.

I remember Marianne came up after her and Ben broke up and we went to see Murray. Well, we visited his grave. We got a bottle of whiskey and lay on either side of the grave. We had a good chat and told him what we'd been up to. That we missed him. I left him a note that said:

"Moments lost but time remains, we are so proud of who you were, no pain remains... no feeling... eternity awaits..."

It's paraphrasing of a lyric to a song by VNV Nation called "Beloved" which was the only song I could listen to for about a month after we lost Murray. Murray was a legend and I wonder what he'd make of the world today.

It's Paula's funeral on Thursday coming but it's in London and I can't get down there for it. I'm gutted but I don't have enough cash and if I megabus it I couldn't do it in one day and I can't afford to stay anywhere... and I don't know her peeps down there to see if there was a spare room anywhere. Not sure that would be appropriate anyway.

I guess, these tragedies aside, whatever is going on in my head right now that is making me feel crazy is probably not that big a deal. I know it's selfish of me to feel so sorry for myself but I can't help it. I'm so glad to be alive and I'm so grateful for all the good things in my life but I don't know how to cope with the everyday frustrations of life and it's really starting to mess with me.

Is life meant to be this constant fight against adversity? I've been told that I'm a rebel without a cause and that I need to stop rebelling against nothing... it's just that it doesn't FEEL like nothing.

Life's changed. It's fucked up. There used to be good people, good drugs, good times... and there was none of this vapid, consumerist, fake tanned and silicone titted bullshit.

I feel incredibly alone in this world. I know we're all alone in this world but I feel like I have no allies. I'm a loner. I don't have a boyfriend or a lot of friends or a social life. I'd rather stay in and drink wine and paint or write alone than go out dancing these days. I tried to to be like "everybody else"... but I'm not.

And of course it'd be wrong of me to take powder on my own. I crave it. I CRAVE it. Just to help me right. Just to feel that speedy rush that will keep me up all night and open vocabulary gateways the likes of which I haven't seen since the year of "billy nights". Fucking hell.

I guess things will happen in their own sweet time. For my part, I'm trying to make an effort. I'm applying for my provisional driving license. Looking into taking a photography course. Looking into Uni next year (I'd stay here and travel every day)... but will it work? Will it happen?

I don't know. I guess I can only hope and try. The only person I can rely on is me.

Fucking hell this is a rant and a half full of tangents...

Right. Time to shut up.

My wine is nearly finished so I guess it's time for bed soon. I'm going to watch Almost Famous. Most likely I'll be distracted by the constellation of luminous stars on my wall.

So what.

I can do whatever the fuck I want.

Why must my head grow so dark? I'm ok, I'm really ok. I can cope. There's nothing even wrong.

I'm safe, I'm warm, I'm healthy and things can only hurt and upset me if I let them.

I'm so fucking fed up. I'm so bored.

I want to see people and I want to see life.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I'm going to have another glass of wine and finish the painting I've started. This is temporary and there's nothing really wrong.

This is my second day without a cigarette, and my body feels good but my mind is hating it. I'm very irritable. I'm going to try and actually quit instead of taking a week long break and then starting up again.
I'm going to apply for jobs tomorrow, because I need something to occupy my spare time with, and I really need the cash. And no longer am I going to blow all my money on blow. Perhaps occasionally. But right now I don't have the mental or financial stability.
I had dreams about smoking last night. I also dreamed that I railed, injected, and smoked coke. Guess that's a sign to stop.

The upstairs neighbours dog is a yappy, annoying little cunt.

I love animals but that dog is a cunt.

Time to dump some of this emotional stuff in the bucket.

I miss my ex. But I can't do anything about it so I might as well try and be happy with the positive things I have in my life. It obviously wasn't meant to be and I can't change what happened. All I can do is be grateful about the time I had with him and hope that maybe one day I'll have closure. Cub was my first and last real love and I should be grateful.

In general I can't do anything to change the path I've taken and I need to accept the mistakes I've made in my life and learn from them. The place I'm in now is reflective of my actions and if I'm not happy with the place I'm in then my actions need to change.

I am gutted about Paula. But I can't bring her back and I can't turn back time. I accept that she's gone from this life and returned to the planet. The best thing I can do is take on board the things she taught me about who I am and about life. I can be grateful for the time I had with her and make her proud by living my life to it's fullest instead of running away from it.

My first act was to get a decent undercut shaved into the side of my head. I fucking love it.

Next step is to buy some wine and fags, get shitfaced and write and paint.

I know, I know, it's not much. But I need to start somewhere and decide how to move forward.