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Sometimes we want people in our life so much that we cling to a desperate raft of hope. Sometimes we don't let go for years. Eventually we all have to try and let go. And hope we don't drown. I accept he is not coming back. I accept that he does not want me and that he is happy with someone who is more suited to him. I am sad, but I can't live like this anymore and I will always wish the best for him. The poet that rewrote my soul.

I tried Valium a couple weeks ago. I thought it'd be good for me, I have anxiety. My bf and I wanted to try it out though, we like to experiment. I imagined it's be like weed, but more relaxed.

I did 10 mg sublingually. Didn't feel anything. My bf (who is skinnier than me) seemed to feel a bit but I felt nothing. I did another half (5 mg) and another half (5 mg) about one hour and one and a half hours after the first one. Still felt nothing so my bf and I split the last one (5 mg each) about two and a half hours after the first one. Still ... I didn't feel really relaxed or anything. It was weird. I thought I'd feel "something".

I guess benzos aren't for me.

I know its been a long ass time since.Ive.been here and I saw your comment saying BL blogs have always had a word limit, to which I said,"Ah, but you havent been to the older BL blogs say from 2006, maybe even 2008? The older blog entries USED to be on here b4
upgrade #8339 haha or however many bleepin upgrades ago its now been, hell I cant keep track. The point being that when I went to get the proof from some random older entries from 2005 and b4--went on and on and on MANY pages, as I found out when I went to complete the long ass task of printing the blogs from 2008 all the way to when they began back in 2003--as BL warned of upcoming upgrade which would NOT allow access to archive entries, and eventually they did,

(BUT alas the wisdom of the BL blog mod god squad dictated that Behold! Let there be yet another BL blog upgrade, for it hath been deemed by the mighty and invisable , for the great all knowing, all powerful saints and righteous of the Bluest of the Blog Mod Squad lords & lordettes hath declared
Let There Be Yet Another Blue Blog Light Upgrade, for We are the Lords & Lordettes and We hath declared that it be so and who so ever sayeth thou shalt upgradeth Naught, shall Blogeth in the Great BL Lake of blue fires, and brimstone!")

Okay, I did it again. First time in 800 years I actually managed to align inspiration, desire and motivation to write-in spite of G-Tab only, no printer, & til now no way to save files. Anyway, duck a fuck, didnt mean for this to be long-point: I saw a thread in TDS asking for feedback,maybe response poetic answers to his questions in poetic form. . ? Maybe . . ? I think . . ? I have no fucking clue. . ? Whatever he did or did not want, guess who replied. . A) Donald Trump B) Donald Duck C) The Mighty Ducks D)

Hi I'm new to the site my friend told me about it.
Does anyone know about the green balls I had some last weekend really similar to meow, does anyone know about them or have the regular?

They danced arm-in-arm in celebration as the sky tried to tear itself in two!

i need to vent.


i don't have any "real" friends anymore so this is the best I got at the moment. so I recently moved thousands of miles away from home, friends, family, my boyfriend, and everything I knew to take this job (which I absolutely love) and start a new life. well i don't regret that one bit. so i mean, i'm definitely grateful for a lot of things in life right now, but its just hard to stay focused on that at the moment because shit's really emotionally fucked. being an at times overly emotional person, that can really wreck shit for me despite everything else in my life going decently *knocks on wood*

sooo... i broke up with my boyfriend of 1 and a half years today. it was something i've been trying to do for months. when i moved out here it was kind of a chance for me to start over and find out what i really wanted. he was a very good friend to me and i no doubt love him, but i just had that gut feeling we weren't soul mates. it just wasn't fair to either of us to keep the relationship going at this point. so today i finally pulled the plug on it, for real. it feels weird that i didn't even shed a tear. my soul feels extremely empty inside, but i'm not crying or even really that sad at all. i guess i know that he has a good life ahead of him and i don't feel like me breaking up with him is going to change his life all that much since we live thousands of miles away from each other now. the plan was for him to move out here once he found a job, but it wasn't looking likely and i didn't feel right in my heart allowing it to all go through knowing that the tension and incompatibilities between us would eventually grow into resentment, that neither of us deserve. i wish we would have just been friends from the start, but you can't change the past. things happen for a reason. plus i feel like no one will ever compare to my 'soul mate' who was my partner for about 4 or more years and some after we broke up, we were literally best friends on a cellular level, deeper than anyone i've ever experienced in my entire life, and probably will never experience again.... so my heart is like, still not even healed from that even though we've been split for about two years and life kind of ripped us in two different directions. ugh.

also i'm completely emotionally ruined by ssri's. they saved my life, without a doubt, but now i'm on such a high dose that i literally can't function. im in the process of trying to taper down but the rebound anxiety i got from tapering was getting really bad, numbness/tingling, extreme anxiety and confusion, and dizziness. so my doctor put me on another ssri and a higher dose to get me used to that before I continue tapering down. It's just a fucking mess. I feel so.... not human. I don't feel like I'm inside my own mind. I feel like I'm floating around, unable to function. It sucks. My muscles are constantly tensing themselves up and I'm uncomfortable in my body. I've put on weight from the meds which also makes me feel really uncomfortable in my own skin. I just want my body back, I want my mind back. What the fuck is even wrong with me.

Something I haven't told many people, and I guess I feel safe writing here is that I suffer from severe obsessive compulsive disorder. The shitty thing is that even with a high dose of ssri's I still have a lot of symptoms. It took away my depression that was associated with it, but I still have intense ocd. It only gets worse now that I live alone, don't really have any friends here, and now broke up with my boyfriend. I'm really worried its going to get completely out of control again and then I'll just be stuck in my lonely little bubble of anxiety with no escape.

Which brings me to my next frustration. Making friends in a new city where I don't know anybody. Now I consider myself an extremely down to earth and friendly person, and back where I moved from I had friends of all levels. I'm an incredibly loyal and loving friend when i feel like the other person is genuine about the friendship too. But it seems like anyone I interact with here, its the same story. I open up to them, ask them questions about themselves, just be a genuine person to them, and then sometimes I'll even get a phone number, but then..... that's where it always ends. I'll get ignored, brushed off, stood up, etc. I don't get it. I don't think i'm a socially awkward person? I am aware of the fine line between making new friends and being annoying to people, of which I probably err on the side of holding back too much. I know I am extremely sensitive to people's opinions of me. But this whole being alone thing is really weighing heavy on my heart and my self esteem. Combine that with the shitty ssri situation, ocd starting to get out of control again, the breakup..... Ugh. I'm just so irritated 24/7. There's no better word to explain how I feel lately than extremely fucking irritated. I know a big part of it is the drugs. Doing recreational substances only makes it worse. I've had to completely give up on alcohol lately because every time I've gotten drunk on the ssri's I end up doing retarded shit like crying hysterically, considering suicide, and getting into fights with people on the phone. Marijuana seems to be okay, sometimes, but that can also increase my anxiety if I'm not in chill surroundings. Caffeine's about the only thing I can even handle right now. Ecstasy is out of the question with the ssri's, but I wish I could roll, I literally crave it every day. Psychadelics at this point would prob give me a panic attack because I alreaady feel so disoriented from myself, that would only make it worse. Benzos work for when I'm having a realllllly bad day, but also leave me feeling extremely depressed! WTF!

So basically, I need change. I need something to fucking change! I mean i like my job, I'm happy with my living situation, I just want to be HAPPY. lol. Money and things don't create happiness. I already knew that. I guess I just want to find the inner peace within myself that I once knew and has been lost again...... I most of all just want a TRUE FUCKIN HOMIE. God I have had probably two actual soul mates in this world, neither of which are in my life anymore. I miss having that one person that I connect with on a deeper level and that actually GETS ME. I would be happy with even someone who understands my jokes and will just talk to me. Go get coffee, dinner, take a walk, ANYTHING!!! I have so much to offer people, I just don't get why it feels like literally no one wants to be around me or be my friend. Shit's really starting to take a toll.



Deep breaths........

so i made big plans to go cop today and then a friend of mine who is clean showed up right when i was gonna go and i had no good excuse to get away cuz i knew he would know maybe it was meant to be i dont know
i do know that today i was goin through some stuff and i found another bag of fresh points omg i just put them back not gonna get rid of em now but not gonna mess with em either altho i still have some handy anyway
so the last two nights were not easy i actually got a lil dope sick from the tiny bit that i did well at least tiny in comparison to what i used to do its crazy how fast my body started to physically need opiates again i kinda knew that would happen but at the same time it took me by surprise thats def why i was all depressed my last entry cuz i was feelin crappy
i just dont know what i really want right now but i know i am playing with fire ... fire that feels really good but wont take me anywhere good
and by the way it really sucks not having my car my license is suspended over some bs ticket but then it makes it a huge mission now to get high cuz i have to do like an hour commute involving the bus and train

Yo back again, this time taking some time off to hit up a show Ajapai Dubstep from Japan. I got them good things from a-dam (squirrels) so should go well. I have got to limit my mdma use. I am sittting on three hoffman dancing bears with hopes to score more quality paper this evening, If I can do that than it will be lsd and dubstep. I am enjoying electronic more and more now, as i did in the early 2000's when i was a decade younger. They shut the scene down around here in 2002-2003??? Who Knows? We hit the fest and now ever increasingly the rave scene. This EDM scene is hitting in the midwest very hard right now. I am enjoying reaping the esoteric rewards of the experience. Peace.

I am hitting up a local 3 day edm event this weekend should be dope. Headliner is Cyberoptics, a dubstep dj, he ain't half bad either if you into that shit, which I am about half partial to. I like jam bands, and it is nice cuz around 7 or 8 are gonna be there. I don't get to go to many fests and that like anymore so this is a good treat for me. I am ready to roll, heard me?

Man, I don't know what it is about Yahoo Pool that makes it so satisfying to troll. I like how you always get a reaction out of people in real time. And they get mad, too. They're all telling each other, "He's just trying to make you mad, Deborah!" And I talk some serious shit. I know they care about that pool shit, so I start telling them that they can't play worth dick, and from there I pretty much accuse them of incest, frequently citing their sisters as the source of sexual activity despite repeated attempts by the victims to alert me to the fact that they don't have any sisters. When they try that, I just go in harder with the sister stuff.

I have 20 8mg suboxone is that enough to detox and kick a h addiction ... man I hope so ...

A century ago heroin was available over the counter, marijuana was smoked by Hispanic immigrants legally and Peyote was still a spiritual phenomenon sought out by tribes of Native Americans.

Today we see a very tight restriction of not only drug laws, but societal morals. No where is it fit to admit the use, sale or even knowledge of drugs. Self-incrimination is a roaring fire that consumes the spread of information.

Renz Envy, should drug culture expand to the main populace, or should it maintain it's position, hidden, on the lower terrace?

In an ideal society: Yes, everyone should be well versed in substance use. Abstinence should be an option, however use should not be frowned upon.

However, my views strongly reflect my experiences and many are not pleasant.

To be continued.

I'm a little bit disappointed but ultimately feeling a bit more free internally.

Over the last year or so I had what I thought was a really good friendship with someone. I put a lot into this friendship emotionally and materially only to get stabbed in the back earlier on this year. One problem I used to have is that I could be quite naive and trusting of people without getting to know them properly. Unfortunately I'm one of those people that people meet and think "Oh hey, she's decent" and then when they get to know me they realise it's not all funky piercings and tattoos and that I am quite a difficult person to get close to. I'm totally aware of it and I understand that it must be a bit of a shock when people realise I'm perhaps not as straightforward as I make out. In trying to hide my vulnerability from the world I end up laying it bare. This person really disappointed me. I helped them out with stuff like money, clothes, things... and I feel like I got totally stabbed in the back.

Admittedly I made a bit of a dick of myself because a mutual friend of hers had befriended me and about this time last year maybe? She completely used me to get information about something that was really fucking important to me, and then took it for herself. It's something that I knew was inevitable, but at the same time when I tried to disengage from her she bitched about me to my friends who all encouraged me to trust her... worst fucking mistake of my life.

So yes, I tried really hard with the girl I was trying to help with stuff... and then we had a big blow out down to some girls she'd started hanging out with. One of them was seeing someone who was connected to someone else that I had a situation with... it all got a bit complex... but one of the girls she was hanging out with obviously didn't like me for reason and made up some total bullshit about me which sadly my friend believed rather than hear my side of the story. Not only was I really hurt that she would do that, but I was totally at a loss as to why the person who made up the shit would actually make it up. She wasn't the nicest person I've ever met and to be perfectly honest I didn't feel like I could connect with any of that group of people. Bunch of twenty-somethings acting like they knew everything. I guess maybe it was inevitable.

To be fair in the end I think I realised that kids of that age just don't understand or appreciate what things are going to be like when they're older. Most of them treated me with disdain which is fine, I'm a loser, I don't really care. I just don't understand why one person in particular would encourage me to become part of that social scene only to fuck me over. Probably because I was too nice, and too trusting, and because in that kind of situation people tend to go with the crowd and pick on what they see as the weakest rather than be true to themselves.

Anyway. The reason I've went on a total rant about that is because we'd been back in touch today and I was feeling a bit nostalgic because one thing I did enjoy was when she used to come up for cups of tea. I don't get a lot of visitors but there's certain people that turn up for cups of tea and chats which makes me happy. I stupidly said this to her and got a text back from her in which she said "yeah still needing head space" and at the end said "I'm glad you're happy"... I felt like a total wanker for saying that I missed our chats but I just meant that I thought of that particular element of our friendship fondly. It wasn't like I was asking her to start being friends again. And the end comment about "I'm glad you're happy" I found a bit patronising. I've always been fundamentally happy, I'm just too quick to let other people's issues bring me down. The best thing I ever did was to get away from that fucking shallow bunch of hipsters. I could count on one hand the people from that group that I would still give the time of day to.

I know it's petty and not really worthy of a rant but it really just frustrated me. Yes, I'm a difficult person to be friends with but I care about people so, so much and I feel like I'm the target for anyone who wants to be a cunt to someone. I know I'm quite bad for being the "victim" but honestly sometimes it feels like everyone uses me as their emotional punchbag. Saying that I do understand that sometimes I am just a bit of a dick... but I will always admit when I have been these days. Pretty much it's if I drink to excess in company that I don't feel comfortable with... I tend to get a bit of an attitude with people and can get bitter and shitty about people that have "wronged" me. But, put me in a situation with people like Debbie and the work people we hang out with... and I am absolutely fine. This is why I don't really socialise and if I want to drink, I do it alone and get creative. I don't abuse the happy drunk times with Debbie because I would absolutely hate it if I got shitty drunk around her and the people we hang about with because that person is not representative of who I am.

People can think whatever the fuck they like about me. I've been a cunt in the past. No doubt I'll be a cunt again in the future. But I will not be made to feel inferior by a bunch of shallow idiots who were only nice to me because I was "cool" for about five minutes. Their patter is shit and I will not be made a fool of again. When I was their age I would never have deliberately trod on someone like they've all trod on me.

All of this has made me even more determined to be myself. I'm fiercely fucking proud of how I've developed and I'm not going to change for anyone. I've hidden myself away for so long because I've been scared of what other people think and I'm just not willing to do it anymore. One thing I'm realising is that the ones that matter accept me as I am and are brutally honest with me about things even if they think it'll "upset" me. I'm not as sensitive as people think. Well, maybe I am, but I'm more reasonable than some people think. I'd rather have someone be honest with me and know if there's a problem than have them bullshit about it then get pissed off at me. People piss me off too. People actually forget that. I've been such a doormat that I've just taken everyone's shit and the few times I've fought back I've been met with total indignance for having the audacity to fight my own corner.

All of this is just fuel to my inner fire. I need to motivate myself to lose some weight, to get confident, to sort my shit out and do my own thing. I've been licking my wounds for the last few months and I'm starting to get claustrophobic. I am sorry for the time I wasted trying to be part of something that just wasn't meant for me.

I know I'm not perfect. But at least I don't deliberately stamp all over other people because I'm feeling insecure. I just get inwardly angry and rant about it on a blog. Which is entirely more healthy.

Sometimes there's nothing you can do except accept the life that you've found. Sometimes you need to make peace with all your rights and all your wrongs and learn from all the experiences that life brings you.

We've all got a reason to shine in some small way and if we'd only all realise this more often then perhaps we wouldn't feel so lonely or sad.

You are, partly, the sum of everyone who has ever touched your life in a positive or negative way.

Sometimes it's time to forgive yourself and let the past go.

It's so easy to feel alone. But at the end of the day we're all alone, together.

Never give up on the things you truly believe in and never think that you will always be shrouded in darkness. There's always a sliver of light filtering through.

Is there Anyone in Allentown who likes to nod? Ive been traveling to the badlands at least 3-4 times a week and just sick of spending all money on gas and tolls.

I am beginning to understand why "the holidays" are such a trigger for people who are grieving the loss of someone they love.Thanksgiving has never been about extended family for us because we don't live near family. But we created a family with a few friends that either are estranged from family or, like us, don't live near their relatives. So we do have the tradition of making a big meal for about 11-17 people on Thanksgiving day and opening our little house up to about five of them that come from the city to camp out on the floor and couch. It's always a big production just because we have a very small kitchen and getting all those dishes out and onto the table takes strategy and making tables to accomodate that many people in our living room is a challenge, etc. But it always was a good kind of production.

This has been going on for years and our "Thanksgiving family" has known Caleb since he was born. When he was younger Caleb loved this holiday. When the pies were made and the turkey and side dishes were in the oven, he and I had a tradition of taking a walk down the street to some public buildings that have pyrrecanthus berries growing in the parking strip. We would gather colored leaves along the way and cut some berries and then when we came home we would add flowers from our yard and persimmons and make our decorations down the middle of the table.The last few years were painful because Caleb was either so depressed that he couldn't participate or so high that he couldn't. Last year, my husband and I and Caleb just packed our gear and went camping in the high desert for Thanksgiving. It was a decision that we made because there is nothing worse than faked celebration. When he was depressed we tried to draw him out, to distract and cajole him into the laughter. It was a terrible experience for him and for us.

Which ones are beter

Another blog.

Last night I realized that I've been sharing my weaknesses too much with people (who I've never met), and if I keep doing that, then I might not ever get to meet them, or continue to socialize with them.

It would be nice to meet a bunch of bluelighters, the ones I''ve spoken to - but also I need to get offline, out into the sun, and see the real people already in my life - be thankful for what I already have and build on those relationships. Which is something I haven't made the effort to do enough before - always seeking greener pastures.

I make the excuse I have nothing to do - I have plenty to do.

Sharing tales of sexual antics is one thing, but sharing everything else is too much - I share too much information about myself.

A year ago I made a conscious decision to not talk so much, and listen more, and I will start doing the same thing online as well - talk less, watch things more...when I'm researching stuff online, or writing emails etc.

I've got a lot to learn, and I'm going to powerhouse it!!

Art to share, love to share, music to share, smiles to share.

Do doctors care about their patients?

I would argue they most likely dont, and just see it as a career thing. For instance, many asian familys in the uk want their children to be doctors, hence why we have so many..

I guess its a good career for the prestige and sometimes incomprehensible recognition for the 'good they do' but is it just a money making, detached profession? My suspicion is your doctor is covering his own back and does not give a fuck about you or me...

Why do people smother them in admiration?

So went to my psyche a week ago and we talked about my current state. We all thought bipolar wasn't an option because the depression is gone but apparently rapid moods and anger is enough to have that label.

I have had anger management issues, well my whole life. Minimal for most of that time. It really came to forefront when I got pregnant with my first child (my daughter) then again that might have been pregnancy rage LOL besides then the only time my anger got bad was when my #2 child (my son) was 2 years old, and then not much. It got really bad about 2 years ago.

Its funny when they say "Oh she snapped and freaked out". Ever have a feeling of literally snapping and freaking out. That happened when I was with Terry (my ex) when I got in a fight with him, not even sure what it was about but it was something to make me really angry. I snapped, yelled, and left with austin to a family shelter for 2 days. I calmed down and we went back home.

This year has been the worst out of it all. I have snapped way more than normal. I have snapped 3 times in 3 months. I get angry on a daily basis, several times a day. Its all over stupid stuff, the anger not the snapping. I hit a wall so I wouldn't hit my girlfriend.

All highly unacceptable in my books.

I have also been crying when I get into arguments with my girlfriend and either she says she's leaving or she frustrates me.

Crying is fine but not in those situations, that's completely ridiculous. I am fine with crying when its for something upsetting or hell even from fantastic love making (not that I have but still...).

So as I was stating I saw my psyche and he recommended changing my meds, which needed to be done anyhow since Seroquil caused me to have brain zaps but it did help me out a tad when I gained 20Lbs.

The psyche wants me on Risperidone and Lithium. Only thing about Risperidone that I don't like is the possible lactation lmfao I just stopped breastfeeding austin a year ago (+/-) and I don't need leaky tits again lmao

Okay, all joking aside, I just don't want to be a zombie. I wish I could just go on Clonazepam but apparently that's a controlled substance now and lil ole me who has a history of addiction -- yeah well he didn't want to give it to me. I think all I need is something to calm me down during the day and I'll be just fine.


I came to the realization that a friend of mine is stuck in a psychosis, its obvious only at times but when they talk about certain things its very obvious. Its not a dangerous psychosis BUT it is one none the less.

I think the person is realizing it slowly and is talking about seeking help. They never go and actually do it and they keep setting dates to when they will go and get help but never go through. I am not even family so I can't push it and talking about it too much would be nagging and I don't want to nag and turn it into that they resent it all and NEVER get help.

I guess I'll have to gently mention it when it comes up again.

We'll see.

I was suggested by my gf to seek out a group or counseling to talk about what has happened in my life.

Is there a "Mybrotherisapedoandrapedmybestfriendwhenshewasalittlekidandmyfamilyiscrackheadsandsoldeverythingwehadandweneverhadheatorhotwatermymomwaspsychobecauseofitallandmydadhadangerissuesbutinevergotmistreatedorbeatohandmydaughtergotstolebyherdadwhenshewas3yrsoldandineverdidanythingaboutitandnowihavebabydaddydramawithmyexandallineedisavliumtocalmmynervesandmaybesomepillthatworkslikeMDPVtomakemenotsolazy" kinda group??

I think I might be slipping again because I keep thinking maybe using PV would help me out. I know I could do just fine without it though.

Meh, what a life. LOL.

My girlfriend and I are doing great. More about us in another post another day.

Hey I'm a new user and I would really appreciate any info on which spills in kenya (which is in east Africa) the pills on sale are generally blue b-29's with lil blue crystals on them and the side on which the print is on is flat. These pills are the best ones in the country for the last months, then came puma's which werent fine caus I was pretty sure the re was mda in them. Rut now it's transformers (all colors) and the blue ones r pretty good.

Behind a cut because I can't figure out how to resize them...

I deleted a few journal entries out earlier on. I slept like a log last night and have only now (at 16.38) managed to drag myself from my bed to do anything useful. I guess I needed the rest. It's rare I sleep for a whole night, I average about five hours a night at the moment. I sat in bed a little earlier and thought to myself that maybe I need to stop spewing so many personal thoughts on this blog. It's been so easy to be open on here because nobody knows who I am, but I fear that could change. Probably my own sense of paranoia.

I've left a few bits and bobs up but felt some of the other entries could go, as there was one issue in particular that I kept pushing when there was no real good to come of doing so

Now that I'm up and about (albeit in my pjs) I've tidied the flat after yesterday's creative extravaganza. The only real victim was a long, shaggy fake fur rug that I got brown acrylic paint on. I'm not really that bothered to be honest as I've had it for years and it was starting to look a bit crappy. I'll replace it next month with something a bit more suitable. I wouldn't bother but the carpets in the flat are shit. They're basically brown nylon corduroy. To be fair I don't think the landlord made much effort as the last tenant that was in here stole all the furniture (it used to be a fully furnished flat, I got it empty) and I think he'd came to the conclusion that nobody was worth making the effort again for. It worked out better for me because I had been stashing away furniture from when my grandparents passed away. I lost them all in the space of 18 months which was really fucking harsh. There was a lot thrown out so I put aside the things I wanted. Result is a retro, yet slightly hippie, living space. I love it even though the flat is tiny.

I need to try and clear the space a bit though. I've got a vinyl collection that lives on the floor. A mass of shoes in a corner. A cupboard full of stuff I don't use. Coats are hung on the back of doors. I'm sure a coat rack would remedy things.

I've got some lavender oil and some nag champa burning to try and cleanse the air a bit. The ventilation in here isn't adequate which means that if I'm not careful it gets damp. I have got the dehumidifier on the go and I've got a couple of halogen heaters to dry the air out. Unfortunately there was only one heater when I moved in, a storage heater, and it's buckled which means it doesn't retain the heat and it's also very expensive to run on a key meter. The halogen heaters work fine though. I'll be getting an oil filled heater at the end of the month.

So I'm listening to Union Jack, who produced an album of great REAL trance music back in the nineties. I saw them at Solfest, they were absolutely amazing. I hope I get to Solfest next year. And Eden. I missed going. But there were reasons that I couldn't. I will need to look up the Wigton lot as I would love to see them again. I miss those times, such decent people, and such a laugh. I'm just really worried that my back won't stand up to four nights in a tent. I gues if I can get a lift there I can take an inflatable mattress and I've always got valium or dihydrocodeine if it gets bad but after 09 when I got ill... I would hate to be ill and unable to get home again. We'll see. I think if I can get my weight down then my back won't be under so much strain. As of tomorrow I'm on strict rations and will be doing a three mile walk five days out of seven.

I realised the only reason I've put on a few pounds is because I'm eating my emotions. I've been all introverted and hiding away with snacks has just kind of comforted me and passed the time. Not up for that anymore though. I want to get back to the size I was when I was 24. It's not that much of a difference really, about half a stone would do it, it just feels really far away. As I get older I don't gain weight in the same places anymore. I need to maintain a good figure if I'm going to get away with not looking 30. I feel quite lucky, everyone I meet thinks I'm under 25! I always get ID'ed for booze and cigarettes as of next birthday I won't be revealing my age to anyone. I'm not ready to grow up yet. I don't know why I should have to. As long as I'm responsible for my own actions and don't hurt anyone I shouldn't feel socially pressured into "a career" or "kids" or "marriage" or anything. I'm one of the only people I know of my age who is not married or babied up but I'm ok with that. Being single does suck quite badly but unless I can figure a way to go back and reverse time the man that I should still be with today is not going to want me. I miss him so bad. He taught me nearly everything that is relevant and important in my life. He introduced me to Morrissey. Encouraged my writing. He was my muse. I've not been able to write very well unless it's been about him. Anyway enough about that, there's nothing I can do to change things.

I'm hopeful that this week at work won't be as bad as usual because I'm working 8am to 4pm all week. At least I'll get home at a decent time. I tend to work better early in the day. The 12pm to 8pm shift is a total killer. Doing a week of them twice a month is a total gruel.

I'll need to start thinking about the uni course and photography course again.

I might see if I can figure out to post a few photos that I took up on here. Not that I'm sure anyone reads this. But would be nice to put some up anyway. I'll open a photobucket account and see if I can figure it out.

There's little doubt in my mind that last night was something I was working towards since I started with research chemicals at the beginning of the year.

The dissatisfaction with being alone and the feeling of leading an empty and pointless life, no matter how relatively comfortably off I am, slowly culminated in last night's wake-up call.

Not only did I start drinking during the last few weeks, which I didn't do before, but the frequency of RC-use increased also from once a week to three or four times a week. MXE, trypts- and 2C-Xs, cathinones, O-des, you name it. Never mixed them though, just one RC at the time and no redosing.

Until yesterday.

I started with some 4-MEC early in the afternoon. It didn't do much but in combination with beer it gave a nice buzz regardless. So around 6 PM the time came to prepare 15mg of 2C-E. Took the cap on a full stomach, went for a bike ride and came back without feeling much. Watched a movie and during the movie, somehow, the 2C-E sneaked up on me with a vengeance. Very lovely and nothing really out of the ordinary.

It wasn't enough though.

You know how you can make a decision you know you'll regret but still do it anyway? Right. Taking the MXE out was that kind of a decision.

30 mgs sublingual washed away with beer. Didn't appear to do much and twenty minutes later another 15 mgs went down the same way.

I watched movies the whole night and that kept me grounded, I guess. When I felt the MXE taking hold of me the fact I was watching a movie kept me together, but then.. it finished.

Everything else finished too. My time and place in reality, the room I was in, the inner monologue of thought, every boundery of self just melted away into a state of profound confusion and sadness.

"Now you've done it" was my last thought before I crawled into bed incapable of recognizing anything except a sense of loss permeating every fibre of my body.

I'm not unfamiliar with having the sensation of hearing someone else's thoughts during trips. I quite enjoy it when that happens actually because there's always an incling that it's drug induced. Not so in this case.

Different thoughtpatterns took over. They flowed from an elderly gentleman into a nordic shaman back to confusion, back to me until I slipped away again.

I can't tell you how long this lasted. Time did not exist in a meaningful way. I do remember that at one point I was able to remind myself of my age, which grounded me somewhat.

When everything subsided into a manageable state of affairs I took two Etizolam and tried to get to bed knowing that sleep cures all. It took a good while before drifting off into a welcome oblivion.

This morning I woke up without a hangover. Slightly tired and intimidated by the whole ordeal, but what the real consequences are of this trip waits to be seen during the coming week. Integration is key and I definitely need to remind myself of this night next time I feel the urge to delve into my little Pandora's box because the way things are going it could very well end up somewhere I don't want to be.

Time to turn over a new leaf.

i need to find some junkie friends in this area i really shouldnt be doing that stuff but the boredom is killing me i dont have my car right now i dont have a job and i am not in school i feel a little lost but then again when havent i felt a little lost its like a perfect day outside and i dont know know what to do