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Get me out of this place, I've had some great times living in a dual diagnosis facility for mental health and addiction, pretty tolerant here, just breathalised and supervised piss test twice a week, only had one slip with drink and one slip with a binge on drink, heroin, diaz and cannabis. Got a flat sorted out and i move in two days, so much looking forward to laying in my bed with a big fat spliff and shooting some smack, generally going off the rails for a few day!

I've learnt a lot been here, mainly, if you want a stable life you gotta work at it, I've had some grim time but some great laughs and good times overall. been a great chapter to my life.

But im sure fire no turning back, i've got my mind set on using and theres nothing going to stop me, i'm gonna push the barrell pay the price, it gonna be nice. No doubt I'll wake up in a hole of grim headspace but its nothing fucking new to me. Im just so fucking ansty about getting out of here its unreal.

TaylorC the addict is back for more!

i feel lost i wanna move out of this sober house i just dont want to deal with this crap anymore i feel trapped and i just want to get fucked up anyway i dont know what to do if i leave my dad might cut me off but i think i could support myself and things might be worse if i left vs getting kicked out
am i anything more than a junkie
btw i appreciate comments
is there any magical answer
i felt kinda depressed today i havent left the house
i feel like i have this whole amazing city at my fingertips and i dont know what to do with it

Note to self: Chemical happiness is not real. When the chemicals are gone, life sucks again. Maybe one day I will figure that out for real.

But here's the story anyway. Whining ahoy:

Ran out of oxycodone last night; called a dude for some oxymorphone yesterday. Normal oxycodone dude is gone for the holidays (fucking Thanksgiving...) so the oxymorphone dude doesn't wanna give shit up for a good price. Eventually though everything seemed to be smooth as usual. BUT! The guy I actually see and deal with disappears. He's a Chatty Cathy (text messaging BS stupidity) all day and then radio silence for the last 12 hours, right before we're supposed to meet up...! Gah. Just fucking tell me 'no' so I can stop being a psychotic bitch and watching my Blackberry like it's going to turn into a fucking pony or give birth or fucking ring or something.

When he doesn't answer the phone it usually means either some bad shit went down and the police may have been involved (hoping this isn't the issue...) or got killed or overdosed or else he just got ridiculously high and stayed wherever he happened to be at, ignoring his phone. Can't fault the guy though, because from the glimpse I see of what he goes through, his life must be a pain in the ass. The free pills must be great though... (Even though the dude disappearing is another "as usual" ... I really thought he was gonna come through tonight. I'm just bitching because he usually does come through -- middle-manning it though -- so I shouldn't complain. But it's my fucking blog and he doesn't read it so I will complain.)

I obviously just want to be high right now. Nodding. Opiated bliss. I would have showered and washed my hair and done my laundry! Instead I am cold and smelly with nasty hair, no clean clothing, angry, depressed and anxious. Well, in about 8 hours now, I have to go to Housing Court.

It's probably best I'm not high, though. Since I have to go to Housing Court in the morning to deal with my stupidity. I assume it's best not to be nodding off in front of a Housing Court judge while telling them you're broke because you're a college student and can't find work at the moment but really all you want to do is spend money on pills and pot. (I mean, I truly am poor and can't find work for real... but this doesn't help. My rental arrears is going to be taken care of by the other half of my girlfriend's student loan because I am a selfish bitch and she is not.)

In the mean time, I took some suboxone, just enough to not want to jump out of my sixth floor window. Smoked a little pot. Took my rx'd Klonopin... my tolerance to oxycodone was only around 60mgs at that moment so it's pretty cake walk when it comes to physical shit but the mental shit is there hardcore. It never leaves, really. But I am sure a lot of you know that.

November is not a good month for me. Thanksgiving is not a good holiday for me. This week I have off of school isn't going to be a good week for me, unless this dude contacts me tomorrow. I guess we'll see what happens tomorrow. I shouldn't have let it get like this. I feel like such a fool for having to go through this eviction shit. I need a job. I apply to places and don't hear back or else I get an interview and it doesn't go well or if I do get an interview I don't go to it because I have a tendency to be nihilistic about shit.

Maybe I am just a fucking stupid loser "hillbilly heroin" addict, though. That could be it. I want to try some regular old heroin, though. I am positive it would be the worst mistake I ever make, but whatever. How much worse can my life really get? (Don't answer that...)

I thought I had it all figured out. I feel like there is this chain twisted and twirled around my brain, locked with a padlock that has neither key nor combination. I started drinking alcohol and smoking pot when I was 17. Cocaine, LSD and benzos came not long after. That's 8 years of near constant alcohol and drug abuse under my belt. Boy, I'm just so proud of that. Mother drank herself to death, father gambled away all his money and got Parkinson's Disease, sitting in a nursing home losing his mind more and more each and every day...)

I guess I just wanted an escape. Home life sucked. School life sucked. I only had a few friends. One in particular pretty much introduced me to drugs. Before that I was a binge-eating bulimic... So we can see a pattern here of addictive, self-destructive behaviors.

The opiates started when my friend had some dental surgery. She had Vicodin, which she had a problem with in the past. The Vicodin were probably 5-10/500s. Lame shit. (My goal was to complete the Queens of the Stone Age song, "Feel Good Hit of the Summer". It goes... "Nicotine, Valium, Vicodin, Marijuana, Ecstasy and Alcohol... C-c-c-cocaine!"

By 17 I only needed Vicodin and Ecstasy to complete the song. Why did I want to do this? Who the fuck knows. I also tried LSD, salvia, DXM, Xanax, Klonopin and more shit I'm probably forgetting at that point.

My friend offers me the Vicodin and I looked at it so casually. Who knew it would change my life so much? I took those giant horse pills (with orange juice because the taste of Tylenol makes me want to vomit) and waited. It was so nonchalant. I think she gave/sold me 10 of them. I had 50-100mgs of hydrocodone in total. That wouldn't even tickle me now. But I got fucking wasted then! Off of 10mgs of some medicine my friend got from the dentist. WTF, dental surgery, sign me up! RIGHT?

It was like I finally felt comfortable in my own skin. HAPPY. Euphoric! Elated! Granted, I was a little itchy and a little nauseous but I would grow to love the itching and a granola bar & coconut water take care of the nausea for me now. If only I could feel like this ALL THE TIME! I had my first nod on the playground equipment of my elementary school with my 2 friends I pretty much grew up with (one of whom I introduced to alcohol and the other who gave/sold really cheaply the Vicodin to me ... funny how that works.)

Another time, still on the Vicodin, my friend was visiting California. She asked me to go with her to the airport so I did, as long as she shared the Vicodin... I had about 30mgs and she had probably 15... we were both pretty smacked from it. She ended up puking all over the airport which was so paranoia-inducing to me when I am not high on opiates (it was J.F. motherfucking K.! I think there's still the National Guard there... I don't know, I haven't flown since 2008) But I puked just once... ha! I did have to take the subway back by myself from fucking Queens to... well, the opposite of Queens!

...

I knew it was trouble. But it's the best thing I've ever felt. Perhaps knowing what it feels like to truly want to be sober will feel even better...

Ellen Hopkins is, hands down, my favorite author of all time. Her novels are written in a flowing, completely unique style of poetry and informal colloquies, designed in a way to make the reader think. Don't let the poetry part fool you though - her books are far from boring. If you didn't know any better, you wouldn't even notice it was poetry. Most of her books, with a few exceptions, revolve around more than one character with different (albeit similar) stories. All are written in the first person, switching back and forth between characters in the books that have more than one protagonist... but not in a way that's confusing.

She is also arguably the most controversial author out there. Despite the fact that she is technically a YA author (she just came out with her first "adult" novel however), every single one of her books touches on a specific real-life issue - sex, drugs, homicide, prostitution, rape, incest, mental disorders, suicide - practically anything you can think of. She has had guest appearances cancelled by school boards at the last minute, her books pulled off of high school shelves completely, and one of her books was straight up banned.

While reading her book titled Perfect, I came across a quote that seriously hit home for me. I love all of the books Ellen Hopkins creates, but Perfect is probably one of my favorites so far, because I can relate to it a lot - especially to this quote. There are five characters who's stories are followed, all of which are on self-destructive quests for... what else? Perfection.

This quote comes from Kendra's character, a teen model who will do anything to get to the top. This includes tons of plastic surgery, sleeping with her agents, starving herself (anorexia), over excercising... and, of course, being in denial that she's anorexic and has a problem, despite the people around her telling her so. Her parents are split up and her father is also abusive. She copes with the pressure of all this by... what else? Popping pills. I'm not anorexic and I don't sleep with people to get to where I need to go in life... but the popping pills part? THAT I can relate to. And that is what this quote is about, which I think we can all relate to through some extent:

How far down can this one drop me? Will it plummet me into a no-man's land so dense with pleasure that memory can't follow? How high will this one launch me? Will I soar above this pain-infused planet, no fear, and no desire to ever turn back?

Who knew so many answers might be found inside little amber bottles. Sad? Pop a pill. Fat? Run screaming for the medicine chest. Everything becomes obsolete... and Mommy's Little Helper makes that happen for you.

I always thought pill popping was for losers. People who couldn't hack reality. Couldn't control themselves or conquer their weaknesses.

Ha. I never thought I was weak before. It's all very clear now, though. And I can't believe how easy it is to not feel sorry. To not feel sad or worried or like the whole world just wants to crush me. And all I have to do is match the messed up mood to the proper chemical adjuster. If that makes me weak, oh well.

But I think it makes me smart. Why push uphill when you can coast?

Click to expand...

Hit the nail on the head. Do we not all use drugs as some sort of form of control? Whether it's self medication or just wanting to have fun... the urge to control the way you feel is still there. Something I, as well as many of you I'm sure, can relate with all too well.

Since this blog is about Ellen Hopkins as an author, I'll try to quickly describe her other books. Broken families are a common theme in all of her books, and are almost always the catalyst for the main issue the book focuses on.

Impulse: A companion to Perfect, though Impulse was written four years before Perfect was released. One of the stories it follows is Conner, who is Cara's brother (Cara is one of the five characters in Perfect), and Kendra's boyfriend. It's about three kids sent to the same mental institution for different reasons. Touches mainly on suicide, various mental disorders, cutting, homosexuality.

Burned: Follows one character, Pattyn, who is from a strong Mormon family. Her father is a highly abusive, misogynistic alcoholic. Because of this, Pattyn eventually rebels against her family and her religion - getting into fights, drinking, having sex - until her parents find out and force her to move to a different state with her aunt in order to "straighten her out". There she learns about self-acceptance, love, and becoming an individual... which is the main theme of the book. Issues it touches on: alcoholism, several types of violence, sex, death, corruption within churches, homicide. A companion novel titled Smoke will be released in 2013. (Can't wait!)

Identical: Follows two characters, who are twins. Their mother is an absentee politician, and their father is... well, a pig who forces on the twins to have sex with him constantly. I'm not going to say more than that, because it would be a huge spoiler - this book, more than her other books, had a twist ending that left me reeling... definitely my favorite one of hers. Main issues it touches on: death, drugs, sex, incest, schizophrenia, rape.

Tricks: Follows four different characters, who are all forced into prostitution in one way or another. The title of the book is Tricks... enough said. Although prostitution is the main issue, the theme of the book seems to be finding a way "out" so to speak. Main issues it touches on: teen prostitution, male/female homosexuality, rape, death, homicide, gambling.

Crank, Glass, and Fallout (the Kristina trilogy): Crank is the first book, and it follows Kristina. She starts off well - good grades, good family - until she visits her dad and is introduced to... what else? Crank. Meth. Speed. Whatever you want to call it. She quickly falls into a self-destructive pattern, is raped and impregnated, and has the baby at the end. Issues it touches on: drugs (duh), sex, rape, petty crime. Glass is Crank's sequel, again following Kristina. After having her baby, she struggles to stay off meth... but decides to take a "pick-me-up" one day to keep up with the exhaustion of motherhood and schoolwork. Of course that leads her back down the destructive path she was on before. At the end of the book, she has become a target of the Mexican mafia, is thrown in prison... and is pregnant again. Issues it touches on: teen motherhood, drugs (duh again), sex, felonious and high crime. Fallout is the final novel. Instead of following Kristina, it follows her children and how her decisions have affected their lives. All live in different states with different families - one with her grandfather, one with Kristina's parents, and one is in foster care. None of them, except for one, know much about Kristina until the end of the book. Each of them has their own issues. Whereas Kristina was a likeable character the reader feels sorry for in the first two books, she quickly becomes the villain in this one. Main issues it touches on: alcoholism, drugs, sex.

That's it for the ones I've read so far. Other books of hers are: Triangles (in the process of reading it since it's brand new, so I can't explain it on here like with the others; it's her first adult novel), Tilt (which will be released in 2013 and a companion to Triangles), Flirtin' with the Monster (a companion of sorts to the Kristina trilogy, except it's a non-fiction book about meth use), Collateral (an individual novel that will be released in 2012), and Smoke (which will be released in 2013 as a companion to Burned.)

Regardless, ALL of her books are good and have touched me in some way... so I figured I'd give Ellen Hopkins a shout out. If you haven't read any of her books, I highly recommend you do! Despite the YA categorization, trust me - they are not for the faint of heart, and anyone can enjoy them as they touch on real world issues that effect people of EVERY age. I guarantee you she's written at least ONE book that you (yes, you!) can relate to. Find out which one it is from my descriptions and then go read it!

No seriously. You won't regret it.

ok so i got fucked up again and then of course i got caught
my question is how do i make myself want to stop i mean they say you have to want it but i mean i am a iv heroin junkie i could very well be dead before i "want it"
right now i am kinda seperated from the scene which is fine and i am real nervous about whats gonna happen when i get back
a lot of people really want me to do things right but its so frustrating i feel like i am going crazy sometimes
i could go on a run and get my own place and all but i dont know if i have the balls to do that
i would really like to be a normal college student and be able to party like one cuz i do like to go out and have fun i miss it alot
there is a possibility of me going back on suboxone maintenance i dont really know if thats a good thing or not but i know getting off of that was the hardest thing i have ever done
it sucks all the stuff i like is taken away and i am unhappy with myself because i have gained weight with this bullshit
i am looking for something and i am not sure what

I know its been a long ass time since.Ive.been here and I saw your comment saying BL blogs have always had a word limit, to which I said,"Ah, but you havent been to the older BL blogs say from 2006, maybe even 2008? The older blog entries USED to be on here b4
upgrade #8339 haha or however many bleepin upgrades ago its now been, hell I cant keep track. The point being that when I went to get the proof from some random older entries from 2005 and b4--went on and on and on MANY pages, as I found out when I went to complete the long ass task of printing the blogs from 2008 all the way to when they began back in 2003--as BL warned of upcoming upgrade which would NOT allow access to archive entries, and eventually they did,

(BUT alas the wisdom of the BL blog mod god squad dictated that Behold! Let there be yet another BL blog upgrade, for it hath been deemed by the mighty and invisable , for the great all knowing, all powerful saints and righteous of the Bluest of the Blog Mod Squad lords & lordettes hath declared
Let There Be Yet Another Blue Blog Light Upgrade, for We are the Lords & Lordettes and We hath declared that it be so and who so ever sayeth thou shalt upgradeth Naught, shall Blogeth in the Great BL Lake of blue fires, and brimstone!")

Okay, I did it again. First time in 800 years I actually managed to align inspiration, desire and motivation to write-in spite of G-Tab only, no printer, & til now no way to save files. Anyway, duck a fuck, didnt mean for this to be long-point: I saw a thread in TDS asking for feedback,maybe response poetic answers to his questions in poetic form. . ? Maybe . . ? I think . . ? I have no fucking clue. . ? Whatever he did or did not want, guess who replied. . A) Donald Trump B) Donald Duck C) The Mighty Ducks D) TJ E) Dr. Lao Tsi Lay or F) Pluto

So, after reply was written, I didnt post it cause it was too long. I hadnt planned on it turning into a Pillalogue novella. Just like the old days haha. But back in those DAZE of 2003-2005 there was a blissful paid 6 month vacation with my two story townhouse, lots of crystal meth, my own working PC, no obligation to a job, leaving me free and the BL Blogs vulnerable to my many massive methalogues.

So, I put my reply onto a google doc, saved it & gonna attempt to upload that piece of historical dopalogue to my blog instead of subjecting some poor soul to this chemalogue.
Initially I too, adhered to the rhythm and rhyme of poetry, half ass attempt anyway, but then as usual poems are rarely short, especially when I dont want to forget what the hell I wanted to say (as it was somewhat serious)as writing an answer in poetic form requires
ALOT of leisurely pace trying to say what I want to say while making it half way suitable to the rhythm & rhyme scheme. It requires going into my rocket ride of TJ Inner Space then translating the pictures within communicating it by painting a portrait in literary styles/scenic mode. You've heard the saying,"A picture is worth a thousand words," and I cant draw freehand and I cant paint-Im just not that kind of artist. So, I have to take a thousand words and hope I succeed in turning it into a colorful picture.

But I'm a good dude, in general. Relationships just typically don't 'stick' for me. There's always something. Like this time our schedules conflict so we can only see each other twice a week. I might be using that as the most reasonable excuse to get out because of all the little petty things that irritate me about the girl, like the way her jaw pops every time she yawns or the fact that she hates most foods that are not junk food. Hopefully, we can get this resolved without any bloodshed.

When I first came here in the mid-1980s, a year after meeting Rizza's father in Jerusalem, there was no electricity, no running water, and the only phones were 8 landlines in a government installation in the middle of town. There were only dirt roads and though it still takes us 6 hours to travel to the nearest mall in Davao City, we can do so at any time of the year. In the past, during the Western Monsoon from June to December, you couly go by horse or water buffalo, and in the dry season- winter- the ride to Davao City literally took 18 hours. Progress?

I am, at heart, a Luddite. I disdain most modern comforts and more than that, I am sickened by crass globalist, American- derived fast food culture. I remember when Jose Bove, a French farmer, drove his tractor through a McDonald's plate glass window shortly after it opened in hia quaint French village. He went on to create what has become known as the "Slow Food Movement." A hero as I see it, though I personally abhor the destruction of private property I definitely dig that symbolism.

We have McDonald's here, in the island's three biggest cities (Davao, Cagayam del Oro, and Butuan). Butuan City is the closest, about a 120 km ride down out of the mountains on a cleanl road that even, inexplicably, has 4 lanes in some parts. I say inexplicable because this is an incredibly poor place, one of the poorest in an excruciatingly poor nation. Seeing entire families sleeping on cardboard on the sidewalks of Manila still irks me after all these years.

As a particularly poor region there aren't a lot of vehicles. The primary form of public transportation is a "habal habal" (as in "Hubble," like the telescope) and to a lesser extent, "skylabs" (as in the space station). A habal is simply a motorcycle dirtbike, a 250cc or less, with an extended seat that can, and often does, carry 4 passengers, more if kids are present- and helmets are non-existent. Skylabs are the same thing but with two, full size wooden pallets attached, one on each side off of the seat, as in wings...just like the real Skylab once had. The pallets hold freight and or more people. The most people I have ever seen riding on one was 12 adults and a couple of toddlers. Sometimes only 6 or 7 people and a couple of full sized pigs, etc.

In long distance travel most ride "Jeepneys," WWII surplus Willys Jeeps with the drive shaft extended until it is as long as a small school bus. Plastic or wooden benches are placed along the sides of the interior. A "konduktor" rides hanging off the back and collects the 70 US Cents that people pay, you just knock on the metal to get the driver to stop, as he plys a regular route. There are usually a dozen or so people plus livestock on the roof as well. There are also commercial bus routes for long hauls, but on Mindanao you literally risk being murdered or kidnapped while riding them. The most recent attack on one that I recall was in the municipality of Tungawan, wheb four kids got on after flagging down the bus on the hiway, a common way to catch a bus here.

When the driver began negotiating a series of "s" turns on a mountain road two of them stood up, without a word, one pivoted 180 degrees and nailed one of two paramilitary soldiers, working for the bus company as "marshals." The 45 caliber round literally went right between his eyes. Boy #2 trained his pistol on Marshal #2. Sitting next to the murdered marshal was an Army Major, Julastidi Arasid of the 18IB (Infantry Battalion), with his wife Sitti Ayala Arasid and their 15 year old son. The Major was out of uniform, they were going to their son's graduation, as highschool here ends by age 16.

The Major reached for his service pistol but both him and his wife were nailed as well, ad the second boy shot the other marshal. The Major's 15 year old son dived out of the open window and ran. All passengers were made to exit the bus. Then, leaving the 3 dead bodies inside of the bus, they torched it with diesel they had brought with a jerrycan.

Life is definitely cheaper here, it is a "Wild West" environment.

Regressing to McDonalds...We have a large cattle operation and yet even I can't find decent beef here. We raise Brahma hybrids and they taste like shit, but that's what folks eat here. Every once and again I get a hankering for an American-type burger. There is actually a place in Davao City, "Space Burger," two shoppes, that do make a great burger, but I get to Butuan more often. I will sometimes get a Big Mac but most of the menu is shit. Catering to local tastes, instead of crisps (fries), you get a ball of boiled white rice. Tikes. The most popular burger? The "McDo," as in McJew. It is a soggy little disc with a garish pink sauce that is especially popular here, mafe from mayonnaise and banana catsup (ketchup). Yep, they don't use tomatoes here. Instead, catsup is made from green banas, sugar, and food colouring. It is among the more disgusting shit I have ever eaten but locals love it (considering that the army made me eat rat and drink my own urine my aversion is a good indicator of how foul the Mc5o and its banana shit tastes like.

Ill perhaps post some photos in the next entry.

I was just told that a documentary had been made by some dickhead foreigner who idealises the NPA (Maoists) and their "struggle." In the late 1990s he embedded with the NPA and shot a film about it, focusing on a particular Hilltribe, the Mandaya. It is on Youtube, in three parts, actually uploaded by the Bicol Regional Command, an NPA formation on Luzon. The title is "Green Guerillas."

The film allows one to see what life is like here in the bush although the filmmaker, Ron Prosser, painted the NPA as environmentalists which is bullshit. When they blow up mining camps it is because the company is delinquent on its quarterly Revolutionary Taxes, not because the Maoists actually give a flying fuck about birds and worms. If they did they would prevent Artisinal Mining, small scale miners pouring cyanide and mercury into once pristine waterways, and small time loggers cutting the nation's last large virgin forest, the jungle around me.

Some may recall that we used to broker timer. When I would go to Seoul or to Nagoya in Japan it was to sell shiploads. We got into it because among our other busineses we farm timber. Actually not much farming goes on. We live in the Andap Valley, near Agusan Marsh. Agusan makes the Everglades in America look like a joke. 6 meter crocodiles are common. Now, I know many reading this will smell bullshit. After all, the world record is less than 6.5, or 19 feet, in Australia. Some may recall I told how a Hilltribe girl living in the Marsh had been snatched out of her dugout and decapitated on the way to school by a 7 meter (21 footer), well, to any doubters, Lolong, a 21 footer, was captured alive not even actually in the marsh a month ago. He has been certified by Guiness OFFICIALLY...anyway...in our tracts inside the Marsh we have a shitload of trees. Indeed, that is where my Mitragyna is. We harbest it for architectural trim and furniture manufacturers but of course I sell the leaf (Kratom), making me one of only two actual wholesalers in the world.

However, in 2008, when Dad, Rizza's father Mario, asked me if we should branch out into logging I immediately shut him down. He had his eye on tropical hardwood like Gemelina, which some are even cultivating here now, but there is too much violence related to actual logging, not worth the headaches.

One of my two oldest brothers in law, though I won't say which, had been pushing for logging. When I said no he argued that since we already brokered loads FOR logging outfits, consolidating loads, etc., that it wasn't that great a leap. Well, I thank him because it was that frame of reference that made me shut down that sideline. No more environmentally destructive bullshit.

Anyway, the film? It was shot in the hills right behind my home. As noted it focuses on the Mandaya Tribe. When you marry here you get G-Dparents. My G-Dmother is Colonel Lademora's daughter, one of the 3 revolving mayors. My G-Dfather though is a Manobo Tribesmen from the Marsh though he was "civilised" (terrible word but that is what they use here) in adolescence. He is liason between our provincial governor-another of Rizza's relatives- and various paramilitaries including mine.

The paramilitary, BULIF, or Bungkatoal Liberation Front, is a Tribal Army, from the Higaon-on Tribe, Jackie's tribe. The word "Bungkatoal" means "Truth in the Golden Cup," which relates to Higaon-on Tribal Law. The Higaon-on were militarised heavily under the counterinsurgency plan OPlan Bantay Laya I and II (Operational Plan Guarding the People), from a sub-protocol in the ISP (Internal Security Plan), " IP," meaning "Indigenous Peoples." BULIF was extant, but under the sub-protocol was grandfathered into the AFP's CAA (Civilian Active Auxiliary) programme. Specifically, it is an SCAA (Special Citizen Active Auxiliary). SCAAs are private armies that are highly co-ordinated with the military, the AFP (Armed Forces of the Philippines).

Cagayan del Oro City is the largest city in Northern Mindanao. I go there often enough because of my involvement with BULIF. As an ostensibly pro-Government paramilitary we co-ordinate our activities with the 4ID (Infantry Division), whose headquarters sits in that city's Camp Evangelista. Some may remember that my ex-lover Jackie lived on that base, and indeed that is where she and I met.

To get there we drive 110km to Butuan City, on the Northern Coast, then west for nearly 300km although as the crow flies it is less than 200km. It is a looooooong, slow ride and I always sleep through most of it. I also used to take extra trips there because Rizza's eldest brother, 25 year old Nigel worked in a hospital there before departing for England.

For some reason that city has a small expat community and for whatever reason most of these foreigners are fucked in the head. Two Swedes for example, just got Life for running a cyber-sex outfit. Here, outside the largesr cities, that one and Davao City, there is no rule of law. It is all clans, tribes, and paramilitaries. Personally I don't understand how any foreigner could even visit here if not tied into a powerful family. Life in a Philippine prison has to be a terrible hell.

In any event, I spent yesterday at 1001 Brigade HQ, in Monkayo, 90km south of here, trying to close a sale on 100 units of Tavor Micro,probably the best assault rifle on the planet at the moment. I was suprised to hear that those two dumb Swedes had been waiting for an escape tinnel to pop up in their prison yard. Their connection had gotten 86 meters from a nipa, a bamboo framed and palm leaf thatched hut that serves as a home for most here. The tunnel began inside the nipa and they were at the prison wall when someone sold them out. Five months of waiting for nothing. Me? I would just offer half a million Pesos (about 11K American) and walk out the front door and into a boat heading to Indonesia. Fuck the 5 months of waiting and depending upon others.

So, in talking to the General, the Brigade CO, I found out that BI (Immigration) is preparing a list of foreigners to deport. Of course that was interesting, because on this island nothing of the sort has ever taken place. Seems some dickhead Indonesian who had gained American citizenship came here a year and a half ago and went apeshit.

Getting hooked on "Shabu," the nearly pure smokable methamphetamine that sells for 16 US a gramme. As many crank addicts will do, he went nuts. Anyway, he was imprisoned in a two bedroom mini-villa at his own expense as they figured out what to do with him. Two weeks ago he simply walked away in Davao City. He was caught within 2 days by tracing his last visitors but the episode has led to a shakeup of sorts.

Six names are on the list. The two Swedes, two Taiwanese Shabu manufacturers who are in that same prison, one with Life, one acquitted (after coughing up cash) but both facing new cases. The last two are Americans wanted for banging minors. This place is really strange on that issue. If you are a Muslim or an Animist you can marry a 3 year old but if, you are like 90% here and are Christian, you better not hold hands with someone under 18, or else...Of course I did just that but then my wife's family is the most powerful in this region so I could do most anything but the point is the hypocrisy.

There is a scam, where poor families have a 16 year old daughter, or whatever, come on to foreigners. After a night of fun she leaves early only to return with papa and police and police here are worse than criminals. Pay thousands of US Dollars you can leave, if not, your life is ruined. See, here is the thing, here? People graduate highschool by age 15 or 16. By 20 they are college grads. You come here, you meet a 17 year old who is a sophmore at university, and it throws one for a loop. Of course some foreigners are sex tourists, maybe most for all I know, in which case I reckon they get what is coming to them.

The other big scam here are the "gold peddlers." They tell foreigners some Hilltribesmen discovered a US plane from WWII deep in the jungle carrying gold ingots and being primitive tribesmen, they have no idea of the actual value and will sell, say 5 Million US in gold for 50,000 US. Of course they then produce gold plated lead bars. It never ceases to amaze me how they reel in sucker after sucker.

Alternatives involve nickel babbit or bearer bonds, etc. The 3 Koreans just kidnapped? I believe I mentioned them recently, were "treasure hunters" who ended up kidnapped by their guides. Oh well.

Sometimes we want people in our life so much that we cling to a desperate raft of hope. Sometimes we don't let go for years. Eventually we all have to try and let go. And hope we don't drown. I accept he is not coming back. I accept that he does not want me and that he is happy with someone who is more suited to him. I am sad, but I can't live like this anymore and I will always wish the best for him. The poet that rewrote my soul.

I tried Valium a couple weeks ago. I thought it'd be good for me, I have anxiety. My bf and I wanted to try it out though, we like to experiment. I imagined it's be like weed, but more relaxed.

I did 10 mg sublingually. Didn't feel anything. My bf (who is skinnier than me) seemed to feel a bit but I felt nothing. I did another half (5 mg) and another half (5 mg) about one hour and one and a half hours after the first one. Still felt nothing so my bf and I split the last one (5 mg each) about two and a half hours after the first one. Still ... I didn't feel really relaxed or anything. It was weird. I thought I'd feel "something".

I guess benzos aren't for me.

I know its been a long ass time since.Ive.been here and I saw your comment saying BL blogs have always had a word limit, to which I said,"Ah, but you havent been to the older BL blogs say from 2006, maybe even 2008? The older blog entries USED to be on here b4
upgrade #8339 haha or however many bleepin upgrades ago its now been, hell I cant keep track. The point being that when I went to get the proof from some random older entries from 2005 and b4--went on and on and on MANY pages, as I found out when I went to complete the long ass task of printing the blogs from 2008 all the way to when they began back in 2003--as BL warned of upcoming upgrade which would NOT allow access to archive entries, and eventually they did,

(BUT alas the wisdom of the BL blog mod god squad dictated that Behold! Let there be yet another BL blog upgrade, for it hath been deemed by the mighty and invisable , for the great all knowing, all powerful saints and righteous of the Bluest of the Blog Mod Squad lords & lordettes hath declared
Let There Be Yet Another Blue Blog Light Upgrade, for We are the Lords & Lordettes and We hath declared that it be so and who so ever sayeth thou shalt upgradeth Naught, shall Blogeth in the Great BL Lake of blue fires, and brimstone!")

Okay, I did it again. First time in 800 years I actually managed to align inspiration, desire and motivation to write-in spite of G-Tab only, no printer, & til now no way to save files. Anyway, duck a fuck, didnt mean for this to be long-point: I saw a thread in TDS asking for feedback,maybe response poetic answers to his questions in poetic form. . ? Maybe . . ? I think . . ? I have no fucking clue. . ? Whatever he did or did not want, guess who replied. . A) Donald Trump B) Donald Duck C) The Mighty Ducks D)

Hi I'm new to the site my friend told me about it.
Does anyone know about the green balls I had some last weekend really similar to meow, does anyone know about them or have the regular?

They danced arm-in-arm in celebration as the sky tried to tear itself in two!

i need to vent.


i don't have any "real" friends anymore so this is the best I got at the moment. so I recently moved thousands of miles away from home, friends, family, my boyfriend, and everything I knew to take this job (which I absolutely love) and start a new life. well i don't regret that one bit. so i mean, i'm definitely grateful for a lot of things in life right now, but its just hard to stay focused on that at the moment because shit's really emotionally fucked. being an at times overly emotional person, that can really wreck shit for me despite everything else in my life going decently *knocks on wood*

sooo... i broke up with my boyfriend of 1 and a half years today. it was something i've been trying to do for months. when i moved out here it was kind of a chance for me to start over and find out what i really wanted. he was a very good friend to me and i no doubt love him, but i just had that gut feeling we weren't soul mates. it just wasn't fair to either of us to keep the relationship going at this point. so today i finally pulled the plug on it, for real. it feels weird that i didn't even shed a tear. my soul feels extremely empty inside, but i'm not crying or even really that sad at all. i guess i know that he has a good life ahead of him and i don't feel like me breaking up with him is going to change his life all that much since we live thousands of miles away from each other now. the plan was for him to move out here once he found a job, but it wasn't looking likely and i didn't feel right in my heart allowing it to all go through knowing that the tension and incompatibilities between us would eventually grow into resentment, that neither of us deserve. i wish we would have just been friends from the start, but you can't change the past. things happen for a reason. plus i feel like no one will ever compare to my 'soul mate' who was my partner for about 4 or more years and some after we broke up, we were literally best friends on a cellular level, deeper than anyone i've ever experienced in my entire life, and probably will never experience again.... so my heart is like, still not even healed from that even though we've been split for about two years and life kind of ripped us in two different directions. ugh.

also i'm completely emotionally ruined by ssri's. they saved my life, without a doubt, but now i'm on such a high dose that i literally can't function. im in the process of trying to taper down but the rebound anxiety i got from tapering was getting really bad, numbness/tingling, extreme anxiety and confusion, and dizziness. so my doctor put me on another ssri and a higher dose to get me used to that before I continue tapering down. It's just a fucking mess. I feel so.... not human. I don't feel like I'm inside my own mind. I feel like I'm floating around, unable to function. It sucks. My muscles are constantly tensing themselves up and I'm uncomfortable in my body. I've put on weight from the meds which also makes me feel really uncomfortable in my own skin. I just want my body back, I want my mind back. What the fuck is even wrong with me.

Something I haven't told many people, and I guess I feel safe writing here is that I suffer from severe obsessive compulsive disorder. The shitty thing is that even with a high dose of ssri's I still have a lot of symptoms. It took away my depression that was associated with it, but I still have intense ocd. It only gets worse now that I live alone, don't really have any friends here, and now broke up with my boyfriend. I'm really worried its going to get completely out of control again and then I'll just be stuck in my lonely little bubble of anxiety with no escape.

Which brings me to my next frustration. Making friends in a new city where I don't know anybody. Now I consider myself an extremely down to earth and friendly person, and back where I moved from I had friends of all levels. I'm an incredibly loyal and loving friend when i feel like the other person is genuine about the friendship too. But it seems like anyone I interact with here, its the same story. I open up to them, ask them questions about themselves, just be a genuine person to them, and then sometimes I'll even get a phone number, but then..... that's where it always ends. I'll get ignored, brushed off, stood up, etc. I don't get it. I don't think i'm a socially awkward person? I am aware of the fine line between making new friends and being annoying to people, of which I probably err on the side of holding back too much. I know I am extremely sensitive to people's opinions of me. But this whole being alone thing is really weighing heavy on my heart and my self esteem. Combine that with the shitty ssri situation, ocd starting to get out of control again, the breakup..... Ugh. I'm just so irritated 24/7. There's no better word to explain how I feel lately than extremely fucking irritated. I know a big part of it is the drugs. Doing recreational substances only makes it worse. I've had to completely give up on alcohol lately because every time I've gotten drunk on the ssri's I end up doing retarded shit like crying hysterically, considering suicide, and getting into fights with people on the phone. Marijuana seems to be okay, sometimes, but that can also increase my anxiety if I'm not in chill surroundings. Caffeine's about the only thing I can even handle right now. Ecstasy is out of the question with the ssri's, but I wish I could roll, I literally crave it every day. Psychadelics at this point would prob give me a panic attack because I alreaady feel so disoriented from myself, that would only make it worse. Benzos work for when I'm having a realllllly bad day, but also leave me feeling extremely depressed! WTF!

So basically, I need change. I need something to fucking change! I mean i like my job, I'm happy with my living situation, I just want to be HAPPY. lol. Money and things don't create happiness. I already knew that. I guess I just want to find the inner peace within myself that I once knew and has been lost again...... I most of all just want a TRUE FUCKIN HOMIE. God I have had probably two actual soul mates in this world, neither of which are in my life anymore. I miss having that one person that I connect with on a deeper level and that actually GETS ME. I would be happy with even someone who understands my jokes and will just talk to me. Go get coffee, dinner, take a walk, ANYTHING!!! I have so much to offer people, I just don't get why it feels like literally no one wants to be around me or be my friend. Shit's really starting to take a toll.



Deep breaths........

so i made big plans to go cop today and then a friend of mine who is clean showed up right when i was gonna go and i had no good excuse to get away cuz i knew he would know maybe it was meant to be i dont know
i do know that today i was goin through some stuff and i found another bag of fresh points omg i just put them back not gonna get rid of em now but not gonna mess with em either altho i still have some handy anyway
so the last two nights were not easy i actually got a lil dope sick from the tiny bit that i did well at least tiny in comparison to what i used to do its crazy how fast my body started to physically need opiates again i kinda knew that would happen but at the same time it took me by surprise thats def why i was all depressed my last entry cuz i was feelin crappy
i just dont know what i really want right now but i know i am playing with fire ... fire that feels really good but wont take me anywhere good
and by the way it really sucks not having my car my license is suspended over some bs ticket but then it makes it a huge mission now to get high cuz i have to do like an hour commute involving the bus and train

Yo back again, this time taking some time off to hit up a show Ajapai Dubstep from Japan. I got them good things from a-dam (squirrels) so should go well. I have got to limit my mdma use. I am sittting on three hoffman dancing bears with hopes to score more quality paper this evening, If I can do that than it will be lsd and dubstep. I am enjoying electronic more and more now, as i did in the early 2000's when i was a decade younger. They shut the scene down around here in 2002-2003??? Who Knows? We hit the fest and now ever increasingly the rave scene. This EDM scene is hitting in the midwest very hard right now. I am enjoying reaping the esoteric rewards of the experience. Peace.

I am hitting up a local 3 day edm event this weekend should be dope. Headliner is Cyberoptics, a dubstep dj, he ain't half bad either if you into that shit, which I am about half partial to. I like jam bands, and it is nice cuz around 7 or 8 are gonna be there. I don't get to go to many fests and that like anymore so this is a good treat for me. I am ready to roll, heard me?

Man, I don't know what it is about Yahoo Pool that makes it so satisfying to troll. I like how you always get a reaction out of people in real time. And they get mad, too. They're all telling each other, "He's just trying to make you mad, Deborah!" And I talk some serious shit. I know they care about that pool shit, so I start telling them that they can't play worth dick, and from there I pretty much accuse them of incest, frequently citing their sisters as the source of sexual activity despite repeated attempts by the victims to alert me to the fact that they don't have any sisters. When they try that, I just go in harder with the sister stuff.

I have 20 8mg suboxone is that enough to detox and kick a h addiction ... man I hope so ...

A century ago heroin was available over the counter, marijuana was smoked by Hispanic immigrants legally and Peyote was still a spiritual phenomenon sought out by tribes of Native Americans.

Today we see a very tight restriction of not only drug laws, but societal morals. No where is it fit to admit the use, sale or even knowledge of drugs. Self-incrimination is a roaring fire that consumes the spread of information.

Renz Envy, should drug culture expand to the main populace, or should it maintain it's position, hidden, on the lower terrace?

In an ideal society: Yes, everyone should be well versed in substance use. Abstinence should be an option, however use should not be frowned upon.

However, my views strongly reflect my experiences and many are not pleasant.

To be continued.

I'm a little bit disappointed but ultimately feeling a bit more free internally.

Over the last year or so I had what I thought was a really good friendship with someone. I put a lot into this friendship emotionally and materially only to get stabbed in the back earlier on this year. One problem I used to have is that I could be quite naive and trusting of people without getting to know them properly. Unfortunately I'm one of those people that people meet and think "Oh hey, she's decent" and then when they get to know me they realise it's not all funky piercings and tattoos and that I am quite a difficult person to get close to. I'm totally aware of it and I understand that it must be a bit of a shock when people realise I'm perhaps not as straightforward as I make out. In trying to hide my vulnerability from the world I end up laying it bare. This person really disappointed me. I helped them out with stuff like money, clothes, things... and I feel like I got totally stabbed in the back.

Admittedly I made a bit of a dick of myself because a mutual friend of hers had befriended me and about this time last year maybe? She completely used me to get information about something that was really fucking important to me, and then took it for herself. It's something that I knew was inevitable, but at the same time when I tried to disengage from her she bitched about me to my friends who all encouraged me to trust her... worst fucking mistake of my life.

So yes, I tried really hard with the girl I was trying to help with stuff... and then we had a big blow out down to some girls she'd started hanging out with. One of them was seeing someone who was connected to someone else that I had a situation with... it all got a bit complex... but one of the girls she was hanging out with obviously didn't like me for reason and made up some total bullshit about me which sadly my friend believed rather than hear my side of the story. Not only was I really hurt that she would do that, but I was totally at a loss as to why the person who made up the shit would actually make it up. She wasn't the nicest person I've ever met and to be perfectly honest I didn't feel like I could connect with any of that group of people. Bunch of twenty-somethings acting like they knew everything. I guess maybe it was inevitable.

To be fair in the end I think I realised that kids of that age just don't understand or appreciate what things are going to be like when they're older. Most of them treated me with disdain which is fine, I'm a loser, I don't really care. I just don't understand why one person in particular would encourage me to become part of that social scene only to fuck me over. Probably because I was too nice, and too trusting, and because in that kind of situation people tend to go with the crowd and pick on what they see as the weakest rather than be true to themselves.

Anyway. The reason I've went on a total rant about that is because we'd been back in touch today and I was feeling a bit nostalgic because one thing I did enjoy was when she used to come up for cups of tea. I don't get a lot of visitors but there's certain people that turn up for cups of tea and chats which makes me happy. I stupidly said this to her and got a text back from her in which she said "yeah still needing head space" and at the end said "I'm glad you're happy"... I felt like a total wanker for saying that I missed our chats but I just meant that I thought of that particular element of our friendship fondly. It wasn't like I was asking her to start being friends again. And the end comment about "I'm glad you're happy" I found a bit patronising. I've always been fundamentally happy, I'm just too quick to let other people's issues bring me down. The best thing I ever did was to get away from that fucking shallow bunch of hipsters. I could count on one hand the people from that group that I would still give the time of day to.

I know it's petty and not really worthy of a rant but it really just frustrated me. Yes, I'm a difficult person to be friends with but I care about people so, so much and I feel like I'm the target for anyone who wants to be a cunt to someone. I know I'm quite bad for being the "victim" but honestly sometimes it feels like everyone uses me as their emotional punchbag. Saying that I do understand that sometimes I am just a bit of a dick... but I will always admit when I have been these days. Pretty much it's if I drink to excess in company that I don't feel comfortable with... I tend to get a bit of an attitude with people and can get bitter and shitty about people that have "wronged" me. But, put me in a situation with people like Debbie and the work people we hang out with... and I am absolutely fine. This is why I don't really socialise and if I want to drink, I do it alone and get creative. I don't abuse the happy drunk times with Debbie because I would absolutely hate it if I got shitty drunk around her and the people we hang about with because that person is not representative of who I am.

People can think whatever the fuck they like about me. I've been a cunt in the past. No doubt I'll be a cunt again in the future. But I will not be made to feel inferior by a bunch of shallow idiots who were only nice to me because I was "cool" for about five minutes. Their patter is shit and I will not be made a fool of again. When I was their age I would never have deliberately trod on someone like they've all trod on me.

All of this has made me even more determined to be myself. I'm fiercely fucking proud of how I've developed and I'm not going to change for anyone. I've hidden myself away for so long because I've been scared of what other people think and I'm just not willing to do it anymore. One thing I'm realising is that the ones that matter accept me as I am and are brutally honest with me about things even if they think it'll "upset" me. I'm not as sensitive as people think. Well, maybe I am, but I'm more reasonable than some people think. I'd rather have someone be honest with me and know if there's a problem than have them bullshit about it then get pissed off at me. People piss me off too. People actually forget that. I've been such a doormat that I've just taken everyone's shit and the few times I've fought back I've been met with total indignance for having the audacity to fight my own corner.

All of this is just fuel to my inner fire. I need to motivate myself to lose some weight, to get confident, to sort my shit out and do my own thing. I've been licking my wounds for the last few months and I'm starting to get claustrophobic. I am sorry for the time I wasted trying to be part of something that just wasn't meant for me.

I know I'm not perfect. But at least I don't deliberately stamp all over other people because I'm feeling insecure. I just get inwardly angry and rant about it on a blog. Which is entirely more healthy.

Sometimes there's nothing you can do except accept the life that you've found. Sometimes you need to make peace with all your rights and all your wrongs and learn from all the experiences that life brings you.

We've all got a reason to shine in some small way and if we'd only all realise this more often then perhaps we wouldn't feel so lonely or sad.

You are, partly, the sum of everyone who has ever touched your life in a positive or negative way.

Sometimes it's time to forgive yourself and let the past go.

It's so easy to feel alone. But at the end of the day we're all alone, together.

Never give up on the things you truly believe in and never think that you will always be shrouded in darkness. There's always a sliver of light filtering through.

Is there Anyone in Allentown who likes to nod? Ive been traveling to the badlands at least 3-4 times a week and just sick of spending all money on gas and tolls.