Blogs

To say the last few months have been rough would be a major fucking understatement. In the course of little over a month i have gone from being hopeful that things would work out and that i could get out of where i live right back to square one. I had it out with the woman that i loved and that i thought wanted me to go live with her and that all went to shit. I won't get into the shitty details but let's just say my hopes of maybe not only being with this awesome woman but also of getting out of here to go live in another country altogether are dashed for now and me and the woman have gone back to just being friends. Why the fuck is it that when i think i have everything lined up and think that i am almost at the finish mark something goes really fucking wrong? :X . Apparently wanting a life for myself that is somewhat stable and livable (though not boring) is too much to ask. Is having a place that is decent, a woman that loves me and some kind of hope for the future too much to ask really? :|

So i am trying to sit it out until after Christmas and then get another plan in order. In the meantime i am trying very hard not to go crazy and it is not easy. Almost everyday i struggle to find a way to get through it without going into a pit of despair or bipolar induced rage. I have been having suicidal thoughts lately though i am not entertaining them at all as i have no plans on checking out early. The last thing i want to put the people i love through is a suicide. Fuck knows i have put them through enough and that they don't need that. But the way my moods hit me can be scary sometimes and i wonder will i be able to hold on if i get hit with worse mood swings? Would i go right over the edge and possibly get a case of the fuck it's and end up hurting myself or worse? I don't think i would and god knows i don't want to but the thought is there none the less. I can plummet into a pit of despair in a matter of minutes and i can even
fucking win, I'm retarded laded on mdpv and blasting eminem to piss off my straigh laced, christian neighbours.

god damn I feel good, bad for or not, I dont wana quit. one day as lion or 100 years as a sheep, ya know?

and if anyone fucks with my friend this afternoon, I shall use these words of wizdom to sum up what will happen

"Extortion, snortin, supportin abortion
Pathological liar, blowin shit out of proportion
The looniest, zaniest, spontaneous, sporadic
Impulsive thinker, compulsive drinker, addict
Half animal, half man
Dumpin your dead body inside of a fuckin trash can
With more holes than an Afghan
"
It never ceases to suprise me how Western men meet Filipinas online, and even more suprising to me is how the men get sucked in. Case in point, 53 year old Warren Richard Rodwell. An Australian, he met some girl online, came here within weeks and married her dead away. Forget that he is now married for life, because for all anyone knows it CAN be a match made in heaven, but Warren then buys a tract in a subdivision. These aren't like Western subdivisions, in that although they are built by a single company, there is no zoning of any sort. The house next door can raise pigs, or become a Love Motel. The only guarantee you have is that the houses will be built with the flimsiest shit available and being a nation with literally 23 typhoons a year on average, earthquakes in the 4 Richter literally every 6 weeks, your life will be interesting to say the least.

Warren's life is interesting for other reasons. Monday night, December 5th, they kicked in his door and kidnapped him. He and his wife had only moved in three weeks before. I used to post on an expat site, "Living in Cebu," for like one week in 2008. I stopped after seeing how oblivious most foreigners can be. There is always one who, meeting some girl on line -I didn't realise until moving here full time that practically every expat married to a Filipina has met her online- will ask about life on Mindanao.

If you talk to Filipinos from points north of Mindanao they will react in abject horror if you ask about your safety coming here. On the other hand, if you talk to locals on Mindanao, most- not all- will minimise the dangers and risks. I always find that interesting, and have found it to be true in many conflict ridden parts of the world. It seems to be a coping mechanism. Like my father in law, when the 2008 War began here. 1 million people made refugees internally, yet he is pooh poohing the risks, saying not to stock up on weapons. Now, in my personal experience I know that a platoon of professional infantry fully loaded at 88 kilos on their back plus their rifle and vest and body armour, can move 40 km a night, in hills, while breaking 15 min every 4 hrs. Guerillas though? They are practically running and not even breaking sweat, they move real fast. My point at the time was that the BIAF (armed wing of MILF and I'm not talking about porno) was operating two long provinces away but could move in one night and be outside our walls. "Naaaaaaaah Raki, impossible." Oddly, he is super-realistic on the issue of the NPA (Maoists), maybe one insurgency is all he cares to deal with.

I think that it is just a way that people living long term in such areas have, so as to try and create some normalcy in their daily lives. So, people like Warren, they talk to their new girlfriend, fiance, wife and ask about safety issues and are told, "Naaaaah, nothing to even consider Warren." Now poor Warren is inside a bamboo cage.

In other news, the 3 South Koreans I discussed in a recent post were released last week, though one of the three Filipinos kidnapped with them was found executed. Sadly, the eldest of the Koreans, Choi Inn, had a badly bleeding ulcer, and also had developed sepsis and died two days ago in the hospital. That sucks big time. You go through a kidnapping, you get released and THEN you die. Same shit happened to a Chinese national last year. He and another Chinaman, plus one Filipino were all kidnapped together. They execute the Filipino, release the two Chinese. The elder one though died days later in the hospital.

The REALLY fucked up part is that he caught sepsis in the hospital! Goes in for the ulcer and BOOM. I myself once had sepsis and still cringe. When I had my second combat injury, mortar shrapnel on my side, above my right hip, I was airlifted south into Israel, just like the first injury- to my jaw. I was ferried down to the same hospital, Hadassah in Jerusalem. I evidently caught sepsis at the same moment I caught HCV (Hepatitis C). Medics back then would grab whatever butterfly is laying around to run IVs into your forearm.

I was admitted in stable condition after surgery for shrapnel, I was doing fine. One morning I woke in my bed, and I felt super nauseous. I ran into the loo and VROOOM, out comes vomit that doesn't stop. Quickly it became the yellow stomach bile and it was then that a nurse found me. They didn't know what it was initially and ended up with a ridiculous diagnosis of Toxic Shock Syndrome. Sepsis is a blood infection that can get into your organs but my blood wasn't showing any abnormality. I had a fever, in Fahrenheit, of 104.9. They began panicing and put me in ice baths. They filled a trough full of ice cubes, as I remember they were regula little cubes, why not blocs? Anyway, that was the worst, even worse than the spinal taps and the fucken catheter up my - well, you get the point. That ice bath, which they did a few times, had me screaming. It really hurt in a way I can describe.

I was touch and go for like 5 days but gradually I got better. Then the worst was having female nurses wash me. I was raised very traditionally and though I had just gotten married with my first wife, I was super modest near women. After I healed all my skin peeled off like a lizard, in giant pieces. That is why I was kept in Jerusalem on Light Duty for four months, guarding pilgrims. Indeed, that is how I met my father in law, and how a year later I met my present wife slash ex-wife, she wasn't even 2 years old at the time, not even a cute baby.

All told, I think the bamboo cage Warren is sitting in would be a tad bit worse than the ice bath, but not by much.
So, since I have moved from Asheville to Raleigh, I came upon several realizations in regard to facebook. I got this eerie feeling all the time. Like when you casually meantion something to an aquaintance and then he says, "Oh I know. I saw that you liked that. Euw.
And then I'm thinking, "Why the hell are you creeping on my fb, but you NEVER actually write on my wall or comment or even like things?"
CREEPERS. It seemed to me that far too many of my fb "friends" were creepers, and it also became apparent that I was beeing judged by certain pictures more than others, and also by who I correspond with the most. UM....
Facebook is fun. I like it.
But it's NOT real!!!!

Honestly, if I wanted to put out an image that was maybe ninetey percent fantasy, and ten percent truth, that would be easy as pie. I DON't do that, b/c I abhor liars. Ya gotta admit, there probably are a lot of others doing everything they can to make sure their "fb persona" is the perfect version of them.

I am tired of THAT nonsense. I now have a "new" fb. It is secret b/c I realized for the most part with some of the ppl of my fb friends- they were holding me back. I really only want a small group anyway. I want an actual CLOSE social network. I want it to be like when I first opened it. So many friends and possibilities. Anyway, I would still LOVE for any of my BL friends to be my NEW FB friends, so hit me up- the name's Tu Madre.
<3
Jenah
Some mod said put it in blogs...put it in blogs it is lol.

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=G5G5DSW0

Code:
import java.io.*;
import java.util.*;
import java.text.*;
public class Tylenol
{
  public static void main(String[] args)
  {
    DecimalFormat a = new DecimalFormat(".00");
    Date date = new Date();
    double n = 1;
    do{
    try{
    System.out.println("    _/    _/    _/_/_/    _/_/    ");
    System.out.println("   _/  _/    _/        _/    _/   ");
    System.out.println("  _/_/        _/_/    _/_/_/_/    ");
    System.out.println(" _/  _/          _/  _/    _/     ");
    System.out.println("_/    _/  _/_/_/    _/    _/      ");
    System.out.println("");
    System.out.println("Welcome to Ksa's Tylenol CWE APAP intake calculator!");
    System.out.println("");
    System.out.println("Select a topic and press enter:");
    System.out.println("");
    System.out.println("1. Check if my CWE is safe");
    System.out.println("2. Tylenol solubility in water");
    System.out.println("3. Exit");
    Scanner input = new Scanner(System.in);
    double entry = input.nextDouble();
    n = 2;
    if(entry==1)
    {
        Scanner input3 = new Scanner(System.in);
        System.out.println("Enter the solution temperature before filtration in degrees Celsius:");
        double temperature = input3.nextDouble();
         if(temperature < 0)
        {
          System.out.println("Water freezes at zero...");
          System.out.println("Press Enter to exit the program.");
          Scanner input4 = new Scanner(System.in);
          String entrya = input4.nextLine();
          System.exit(0);
        }
        System.out.println("How many pills do you want to use?");
        double pills = input.nextDouble();
        if(pills < 0)
        {
          System.out.println("Stop trying to fail the program...I'm smarter lol.");
          System.out.println("Press Enter to exit the program.");
          Scanner input4 = new Scanner(System.in);
          String entrya = input4.nextLine();
          System.exit(0);
        }
        System.out.println("Enter acetaminophen content of one pill, in miligrams (mg):");
        double apap = input.nextDouble();
        if(apap < 0)
        {
          System.out.println("Stop trying to fail the program...I'm smarter lol.");
          System.out.println("Press Enter to exit the program.");
          Scanner input4 = new Scanner(System.in);
          String entrya = input4.nextLine();
          System.exit(0);
        }
        System.out.println("Enter the total water volume you plan on using, in millilitres (mL):");
        double water = input.nextDouble();
        if(water < 0)
        {
          System.out.println("Stop trying to fail the program...I'm smarter lol.");
          System.out.println("Press Enter to exit the program.");
          Scanner input4 = new Scanner(System.in);
          String entrya = input4.nextLine();
          System.exit(0);
        }
        double solubility = (0.0006*Math.pow(temperature,2) + 0.0165*temperature + 0.7221)*10;
        double intake = pills*apap;
        double intake2 = water*solubility;
        if(temperature > 50)
        {
          System.out.println("Your temperature is unsafe.");
          System.out.println("Lower the temperature below 50 degrees Celsius.");
          System.out.println("Press Enter to exit the program.");
          Scanner input4 = new Scanner(System.in);
          String entrya = input4.nextLine();
          System.exit(0);
        }
        if(pills > 50)
        {
        System.out.println("FATAL OPIATE OVERDOSE IMMINENT!");
        System.out.println("You have entered "+ pills+" pills, that's unsafe!!!");
        System.out.println("Press Enter to exit the program.");
        Scanner input5 = new Scanner(System.in);
        String entrya = input5.nextLine();
        System.exit(0);
      }
      if(pills*apap < water*solubility && pills*apap>8000)
      {
        System.out.println("FATAL APAP OVERDOSE IMMINENT!");
        System.out.println("Your APAP intake is "+ a.format(intake/1000)+ " g!");
        System.out.println("You should be using "+ 2.5*pills+" mL of water instead of "+water+" mL!");
        System.out.println("Press Enter to exit the program.");
        Scanner input6 = new Scanner(System.in);
        String entrya = input6.nextLine();
        System.exit(0);
      }
      else if(pills*apap >= water*solubility && water*solubility>8000)
      {
        System.out.println("FATAL APAP OVERDOSE IMMINENT!");
        System.out.println("Your APAP intake is "+ a.format(intake2/1000)+ " g!");
        System.out.println("You should be using "+ a.format(2.5*pills)+" mL of water instead of "+a.format(water)+" mL!");
        System.out.println("Press Enter to exit the program.");
        Scanner input7 = new Scanner(System.in);
        String entrya = input7.nextLine();
        System.exit(0);
      }
      else if(pills*apap < water*solubility && pills*apap>2000)
      {
        System.out.println("Your CWE is unsafe! Abord immediatly!");
        System.out.println("Your APAP intake is "+ a.format(intake/1000)+ " g!");
        System.out.println("You should be using "+ a.format(2.5*pills)+" mL of water instead of "+a.format(water)+" mL!");
        System.out.println("Press Enter to exit the program.");
        Scanner input8 = new Scanner(System.in);
        String entrya = input8.nextLine();
        System.exit(0);
      }
      else if(pills*apap >= water*solubility && water*solubility>2000)
      {
        System.out.println("Your CWE is unsafe! Abord immediatly!");
        System.out.println("Your APAP intake is "+ a.format(intake2/1000)+ " g!");
        System.out.println("You should be using "+ a.format(2.5*pills)+" mL of water instead of "+a.format(water)+" mL!");
        System.out.println("Press Enter to exit the program.");
        Scanner input9 = new Scanner(System.in);
        String entrya = input9.nextLine();
        System.exit(0);
      }
      else{
        System.out.println(pills*apap < water*solubility ? "Your APAP intake is "+a.format(intake/1000)+ " g. All the APAP is disolved." : " Your Tylenol intake is "+a.format(intake2/1000)+ " g. Looks safe to me 8]");
        System.out.println("Press Enter to exit the program.");
        Scanner input9 = new Scanner(System.in);
        String entrya = input9.nextLine();
        System.exit(0);
      }
    }
    else if(entry==2)
    {
      System.out.println("Enter water temperature in degrees Celsius from 0 to 100C:");
      Scanner input2 = new Scanner(System.in);
      double temperature = input2.nextDouble();
      if(temperature < 0)
        {
          System.out.println("Water freezes at zero...(Invalid value)");
          System.out.println("Press Enter to exit the program.");
          Scanner input4 = new Scanner(System.in);
          String entrya = input4.nextLine();
          System.exit(0);
        }
      else if(temperature > 100)
        {
          System.out.println("Water boils at 100C. (Invalid value)");
          System.out.println("Press Enter to exit the program.");
          Scanner input4 = new Scanner(System.in);
          String entrya = input4.nextLine();
          System.exit(0);
        }
      else{
      double solubility = 0.0006*Math.pow(temperature,2) + 0.0165*temperature + 0.7221;
      System.out.println("The solubility of Acetaminophen in water at "+temperature+" degrees Celsius is "+a.format(solubility)+"g/100mL");
      System.out.println("Press Enter to exit the program.");
      Scanner input9 = new Scanner(System.in);
      String entrya = input9.nextLine();
      System.exit(0);
      }
    }
    else{System.exit(0);}
    
  }
    catch(Exception e){
      System.out.println("");
      System.out.println("Wtf did you type???");
      System.out.println("Type again dude...");
      System.out.println("");
  }
  }while(n==1);

}
}
(what ever you'd like to label it) advice please:

I'm a single mother of yes "three" (2-dads - I know, oh my(drama)) and would love all the advice I can receive on this delima of mine:

1) Should I continue to focus strickly on my girlies playing it single
or
2) Attempt to find "love" (my fear)

My girls are my world and priority in life and I'm unsure if I can share "myself" (did I mention I'm a bad sharer). I'm torn, what is healthy for me or best for them??

Advice please! <3

Thank you!!
Santa is around the corner playing some good house music and I've become quite ecstatic about rolling bawls again, its been a while ;D
I had pretty much abandoned the true use of my alarm clock and it had stopped from waking me up. My abuse of the snooze button was seemingly making getting out of bed an impossible task. That was until I recently realised what I had been doing and decided to retrain my brain to never use the snooze button again. I am now snooze button free. My abuse has stopped.

Back before we lived in nice warm houses, in cosy bedrooms with a comfortable bed, back when we were living outside in the wild, there were alarm clocks too. If we had decided to ignore them back then it would most probably lead to death, as the alarm clocks were the natural sounds of predators and other dangers. Their sounds would ALARM us so we woke up and became alert and ready.

So humans are naturally wired to wake up when alarming sounds are being heard. Nowadays though, we have created machines to imitate alarm in one way or another. Most alarm clocks seem to have the traditional beep-beep alarm which works fine for me.

I developed a major snooze button habit though, and I know I'm not the only one to have done that. My alarm was never set for when I wanted to be out of bed, but for about 30 minutes before I got out of bed so I could press the snooze button 3 or 4 times before getting up. I had associated the sound of my alarm with the desire to have more sleep. When the alarm would go off, my thought pattern would be;

"Do I have to get up now, one more snooze wont hurt, I will just move a bit faster getting ready"​



Then 20 minutes of snooze abuse later



"If I sleep another half an hour then I can just get the next train, I'll get up a bit later today. I deserve some extra sleep, I really don't want to get up"​



This thought pattern would continue some days for a couple of hours if I wasn't careful. It was not healthy to be snoozing so long so I decided to do something about it.

It was not a question of willpower though, I had to change the negative association that I had with the sound of my alarm clock into an association which would lead me to get straight out of bed every morning. Willpower might work once every now and again if you have something really important happening that you need to be up for or for some other reason but willpower alone cannot be relied on that early in the morning because the brain is only just waking up and will trick itself in order to stay in that bed at any opportunity.

The solution to this problem seems a little crazy but it works. My brain now doesn't think about anything when my alarm clock goes on, it just goes into auto pilot mode and I get up straight away before it can convince me to go back to bed.

You need to re-associate the sound of the alarm with getting straight out of bed, but you cannot do this while your brain is in waking up mode. This should be done during the day when your brain is awake and you can train it how you wish.

If you follow the following steps then I promise that it won't take long at all for you to have reprogrammed your brain to treat the alarm clock as a trigger to get up.

Step 1.
Close your bedroom curtains and put on your pajamas or whatever you normally wear to bed. Make it as much like normal bedtime as possible.

Step2.
Set your alarm to go off in two minutes time and get into bed, close your eyes and pretend to be asleep.

Step 3.
When the alarm goes off, get out of bed straight away, put some clothes on, or do the first thing you would normally do when you get out of bed in the morning.

Step 4.
Walk out of the bedroom.​



Repeat these steps for about an hour, or as much spare time as you can give it. With most people this will have already retrained your brain and when you next hear you alarm in the morning you will wake up follow the new routine that you have just tried to program into your brain.

Even if this works the first morning you try it, I would still recommend going through the steps again the next day to deeply ingrain this routine so that it replaces the snooze button routine totally.

If you don't believe that it can be that easy, I challenge you to give it a go for yourself.

I feel so much better in myself in the mornings now that I dont have to rush around like a madman trying to get ready in time. I also feel better because I haven't tortured myself in the morning and started my day with a negative thought pattern.

Nothing bad at all can come from trying this out, if you decide after trying that you preferred using the snooze button then you can easily retrain your brain again, although I'm not sure why anyone would ever go back to abusing the snooze.
One has to spend money and I've still got no job... And damn, I corrected my CV like 5 times. At first I was like "I'm going back" but 2 weeks have passed and I'm like "I want to stay here" so I'm totally pissed off by the lack of work. It's just unbelievable how many offers you can respond to and get nothing.:|

I've seen all the downtown and, no offend to Londoners of course, it's just my personal opinion, it may be the biggest city in Europe and it's a paradise to live salary / expends but I wasn't really astonished by architecture etc. Totally unlike Budapest or Prague.

I eventually bought some weed in a not so dangerous district but it's sooo weak. But hey, I wasn't conned at least! I really got 3 grams and it was some weed. I guess I should have asked for skunk. I don't believe people get high off this, there must be something as strong as this stuff from the Netherlands I used to get while in Poland.

Going around different districts gives a better perspective on London. I like how you may use London's metro, you can actually go from the North to the South paying just 2.50 pounds off-peak. I haven't been much in southern districts but I came to know the North and the downtown quite fast.

Well, sure, one can come sightseeing, there's a lot of stuff to see but I'm sick of it already...
Hey guys!

Well here I have an idea that came about as me and my friends smoked hella dank. I was telling them how I wanted to get the Magic Flight Launch Box for xmas (http://magicflight-launchbox.com/) and then I had a brilliant Hi-dea!!

I want to build a vape using the launch box's battery powered heating element, that somehow has a fan that will blow the steam into a bag.

So, basically, I want to make a Volcano vape without paying 500 bucks. Any info on past projects that other people might have would be awesome!

Note: im not going to make a lightbulb vape, those are lame I want to make a nice ass one to keep around
I've noticed I've been becoming less and less social, I have no idea when this began but its hard for me to hold a conversation without losing interest and just making the whole situation awkward.

Noticed this at a party on Friday, I didn't feel like talking to anyone really, except a close friend of mine and when I did approach a different group the above happened.
I wasn't always like this, let's hope its just a phase.



On another note my morning glory has bloomed its first few flowers, 2 have shrivelled already but its well on its way to 3 feet in height. The sweet peas have never stopped growing and the pansys should show some flowers soon, as for the miracle bean, I wish I could dispose of it but its still so very much alive and id hate to destroy something I grew just like that. Its really big, but the bastard aphids had destroyed much of it while it was still growing at the spectacular rate that it did.

School will start soon, the classes I need or want are full so I might have to bullshit this smester with only music or such just so I can save a good amount of financial aid for my traveling fund across america, into canada, and eventually take a plane to europe and travel on foot and train everywhere overthere. Seemingly enough it feels as if it'd be easier since I've lost so much contact with my 2 best friends, one involved so much with his girlfriend, don't get me wrong I'm happy for him, but since then we haven't much of him at all and when we do he doesn't want to do anything since he has become "low one money" and even tho we say we"ll spot em he says he'd rather not because he doesn't like using other peoples money, the thing is were inviting him to do it so yea, that's his excuse and I'm pretty sick of it. Anyway that makes it easier to say farewell to them.

I dream of moving the fuck out of america and into europe, no preferances as of now as I haven't had the chance to see or experience anything overthere, or canada.
I had a discussion a while ago, 3 September now that I think of it, with an interesting fellow. We started off on astronomy (mostly him calling me on my attempt to fake my stargazing-- I used to know where cassiopeia was, damnit!), but wound up quickly on faith. He was determined that science is as 'faith-based' as religion, and I was convinced that it isn't. Two hours later and we've both edged a bit toward the middle position, but still more or less polarized.

In the end, it came down to semantics. He considered that 'faith' meant simply believing something to be true that you have not directly experienced, based upon someone else's word. For me, having had a strongly religious upbringing, it had a very loaded definition that could be summed up briefly as: faith = willful ignorance. Now, I don't necessarily disagree with his stance; as a working scientist I know that most scientific work is done by first reading primary literature and determining whether the conclusions drawn from any particular investigation are valid. Someone else did the work, and I have to take it on 'faith' that if I were to repeat the work I would get similar results, within error.

But I don't call that faith.

Why does that matter, though? Simply put, humans have been trained over millenia to see the world through the lens of descriptive language, and while it is incredibly useful it can, like all tools, become limited and even hindering when edges are pushed. Even ignoring that every language has its own little biases and omissions, consider language as a whole. Language is, at its deepest roots, a shorthand for describing the world. The resulting information is compressed. When I say 'a rock', you can picture a rock, and it may look something like a rock that I pictured when I wrote that word. But it is but a label. Sure, I could have done a better job of describing it; given dimensions, density, composition, morphology, gross and fine physical descriptors, and the like. But each of those is still but a label; some compression of meaning is involved, and it is my opinion, my intuition, that it is a lossy compression.

Can I be described? Aspects of me can be described, but is that me? And if not, then what am I? How can I communicate that essence?
My life has been a wreck for the past 6 months. I struggled with addiction for 3 months, finally pulled myself together and thought I was on my way to fixing my life. Turns out I was wrong. I lost my job back in June and haven't found anything since. Bills are due and I don't have any money.

I am now seeing my friends slowly leave me behind (what few I did have left). I sit here day and night, doing nothing. I entertain myself with video games and look forward to having my younger brother come over after school to hang out with me. Other than that, my life is boring.

I see my friends put up pictures and status updates on facebook about going to parties and hanging out and having fun, but I look at my phone and not a single text from them. Never an invite to go along with them. I've just given up. Nobody wants to hang out with me anymore. I'm just the guy people call when there is absolutely nothing left to do. I'm the last resort.

My life has amounted to nothing and I just want to leave it all behind.

It has always been a fantasy of mine to go out and just hike. I want to hike the entire Appalachian trail. Every day the need to do this becomes stronger and one day I will do it. Just the solitude and meeting curious people along the way.

I have a clinical trial coming up in January (I hope), and will be getting paid $3800. Once this is done, I'm packing my shit and leaving. I'm making my dream come true and I'm leaving everything and everyone behind. Sort of my way to start over.

I hope I can follow through and make this happen. I'm known to talk a big game but when it comes down to it I back out at the last minute. Let's see if I can change that for once.
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This is the first time I've gone to the blogs section. I like writing blogs, because I like talking to myself and never shutting up, basically. xD

So let's see. I'm basically just gonna talk at myself, or talk to nothing. I suppose that's what people tend to do in blogs, really.

I made brownies. They're so much better than my last ones. xD I was talking to an internet person, who I'll call 13512915 or something similar, earlier, and I mentioned I was making brownies and that I figured tonight would be fun. She then said "just brownies, no meds" or something like that.
She then continued to try and talk me out of taking pills today. So now I feel bad for doing it anyway. Like I let her down or did something bad.

And just to make everything worse, this stupid codeine won't kick in! I took about 150mg of it, but nothing is happening! Why?! This is awful. I wanna die. How dare these pills not kick in!! I took twice as much as I usually do!!!

This is so unfair. This is awful. Awful awful awful! What do I do now? Maybe if I walk around a bit that'll make me feel something. That usually helps. But I can't believe this is happening!!!! It's so not fair! Why won't the just kick in? It's been like an hour!!!!!!!!

I hate everything.
When I lost my best friend Joe in an overdose a little over three months again I have this reminder of why I can not help him and it reminds me of my past quilt, my past deaths that are not able to change. I pray I these things do not exist, and that I must be dreaming. Just in time to wake up with the hard facts, that we all live, we all die. That does not begin to justify what has all happened to a lot of us. In all of my past skeletons, I miss what all of the people meant to me. I was left alone, to fend for me and my daughters in a world that would rather see you die then hear your pain. Like a sea of tears to wide to cross, it scares so maany people away so that help is out of the question in most cases. I just think until we let out our pain to an open ear even if it is just to God or a close friend or to be honest out loud works too, it is then we should find answers. That is not always the case though. There is no answers to life, only ways of survival. How do you survive in a world that would rather eat you then to feed you. Some say with religion, and I am a christian, but it is just not that simple. There is a war on this planet and a lot of times, it is between those that are hurting, and those that are in denial and then the privledged ones. A lot of the ones that really need help is the ones that are to proud or afraid to ask. Not because they think they are better then you, but because the mere thought of another rejection is just to hard to bare, and to do without is easier then to be denied help in your lowest times in life. Sometimes a person is so broken that it takes everything in them to just try to survive.
Sometimes you need to know the worst is over now and you can breathe again. There's so much left to learn, and not many left to fight that are willing to help or make a difference. There is really nothing that can steal your pain, but you. You need to want to release it, and not feel guilty when you let go, or the guilt has a string to it as if when you try to let it go, it still drags you down. Especially when you are in denial about the very thing you are trying to let go. Those are the very things that have the strongest strings attached and drag you harder and faster. You must recongnize what you are releasing so you know that even though it is a part of you, it doesn't have to be you. You can only become all you want and more, if you learn when to acknowledge what you are and where you've been. We can take responsibility without letting it break us down or what was the purpose of surviving. Apparantly we are all here for a reason, why not make the best of it, and stop judging yourself and others. Just learn to learn lessons, not labels yourself as broken, you are not broken you are becoming the person you need to be with the lessons you go through. These things mold you into who and what you are. That is why so many people do not care, because most parents never wanted the kids or the kids were abused to grow up to abuse, and no one takes blame. When we can stop and recognise our weakness and strengths will be able to move forward and find peace.
(Con't from part 1)

Ive been really into Daoism, Traditional Chinese Medicine, and Kung Fu for the last couple of years of life. Its an all encompassing thing. How naive I was to it all in the beginning is a story unto itself, but I feel this path, or this Way perhaps, has kick started my awakening much harder than the acid I took so many years ago (and every year since then! hot damn!). Maybe its both. Real kung fu is like a real heavy trip that lasts forever. Its certainly not always pleasant, but every valuable learning experience aint no walk through candyland. Learning the connection of all animated activity in the Universe is a frightening responsibility. Discovering your own Chi is a salvation like no other. Dont get me wrong, Im all about the Jesus, but I too believe he was a disciple of the Eastern arts. I find the deepest connection between classical Greek stoicism and Zen Buddhism. I feel Marcus Aurelius would have been able to have many a good chat with the likes of Bodhidharma. Learning the body's connection to electromagnetic energies, to the vibrations of the planet we stand on, and pulling energy out of the Earth and atmosphere and into one's self is a beautiful gift. Learning to incorporate the consumption of other energies, such as food, or a woman's essence, into one's self is an entire lifestyle.

So yes, back to this recent documentary on the sex in India. A man made a most deep and intelligent quote, that "...without friction, there can be no exchange of energy. Love must involve friction, the touching of various parts of skin to each other." This ties in so deeply to Daoist sex arts, the art of satisfying a woman's intense sexual energy, without losing the man's energies in the process. We think of friction as a bad thing. Why does it have to be? There is friction when the membranes of the cells of a man's phallus grind against the walls of a woman's "tunnel of enlightenment." There is friction when hands writhe around to the small of each other's backs. There is friction when tounges swim in mouths, and when mouths squeeze down on the most sensitive areas of the body. This friction produces amazing energy. In the west, we are taught to discard it and throw it away. Were taught to pretend that women have inferior energy, and that men should waste theirs indiscriminately. This documentary mainly focused on the rise of sex as Taboo in India, but what I cant believe, is that they diddnt focus on the rise of Western popular culture in india. It all makes sense! The formula of the western media machine is designed to warp humans' notions of sex. Its designed to warp a human's connection to the Allmighty Cosmos. Its designed to cause a delusional world of hate, stress, violence, oppression, and deception masked as liberation and freedom. Its designed to render such friction as foreign, uncomfortable, and awkward. The last thing a population one wishes to control should have control over is their own sexualities. Such is the mark of slavery. So in India, the culture from which the Kama Sutra was created, even mere touching between "unmarried" men and women in public can result in beating without any notion of a trial (we all know it gets far worse in other parts of the world).

Could you imagine, a woman being "free" enough to experience the sexual connection between her soul and another in public? Im not talking about fucking raw dog over a parkbench, I mean holding hands, kissing, expressing beauty. Why is this such a painful sight in many parts of this world today?

We harvest energy from our food, if we choose to. We harvest energy from our exercise if we choose to. In the West, we often choose to not only discard energy when we consume food and exercise, but we often choose to spend and deplete our lifeforce. Sex is the ultimate harvest of energy. The energy to be harvested from multiple women is almost unimaginable, but nature has designed us to certainly require many men to do the job. The notion of sex to be purely contained between two people in the form of marriage is most wholly counter to the direction of our evolution. Humans have become separated and lost from the cosmos in many ways, but the most taboo is our connection to our sexualities. For the powers that control this world today, nothing is more a threat than love. Love, and the exchange of energy between many people, without any grid of control applied.

Its nice growing into an adult. Its nice knowing that youre really the normal one, and everyone else is actually the freak. Its reassuring knowing that Love, Empathy, and Meditation are the right paths, and that the world isnt naturally blind to these things, it has to be taught to be this way.

My arms are sore from crushing a tree with my elbows. My shins are red from beating a steel pipe. My hands are raw from grinding into concrete. My feet throb from kicking bricks. I am discovering the machine I am meant to be. I am waking up to the cosmic vibration this world aims to deny me. I am comfortable with my natural impulses, and affinity for "good giving, and game." We are all tigers and dragons inside of ourselves, waiting to be woken up.
To my husband. Dana Wesson who pasted in 1998. :(
You are on my mind hard today, so I wanted to write this out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CTKZ-GUefVM

Ani DiFranco - Pulse

you crawled into my bed that night
like some sort of giant insect
and i found myself spellbound
at the sight of you,
beautiful and grotesque and all the rest of that bug stuff
bluffing your way into my mouth
behind my teeth, reaching for my scars-
that night we got kicked out of two bars
and laughed our way home

that night you leaned over
and threw up into your hair
and i held you there, thinking-
i would offer you my.....pulse
if i thought it would be useful
i would give you my breath,
except,
the problem with death
is that we have some hundred years
and then they can build buildings on our only bones
100 years, and then your grave is not your own
and we lie in out beds, and our graves
unable to save ourselves
from the quaint tragedies we invent- and undo,
from the stupid circumstances we slalom through

and i realized that night that the hall light,
which seemed so bright when you turned it on,
is nothing-
compared to the dawn
which is nothing-
compared to the light
which seeps from you while you're sleeping,
cocooned in my room-
beautiful and grotesque,
resting

that night we got kicked out of two bars
and laughed our way home

i thought-
i would offer you my pulse,
i would give you my breath
i would offer you my pulse,
i would give you my breath
Just a thought. Has anyone one of you ever really thought about the changes we all go through? Like how all of our hearts change with experience. This song by Evanescence, makes me think. Read this and go into deep thought for me and really try to remember things. Things that really only our innocent side of ourselves remember. Real forgiveness. Get back in touch with our inner child.


Fields Of Innocence

I still remember the world
From the eyes of a child
Slowly those feelings
Were clouded by what I know now

Where has my heart gone
An uneven trade for the real world
oh I...
I want to go back to
Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all

I still remember the sun
Always warm on my back
Somehow it seems colder now

Where has my heart gone
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger
oh why...
I want to go back to
Believing in everything


Ever just feel like you have lost some of your heart by cold truths of the world. Ever want to find your heart. I want to try to go back to when it was taken and find ways of slowly making it return to me. I often wonder where my own heart has gone. I try to go back to when I felt I lost it, and I am still trapped in unknowns. I am the stranger within myself. So I need to remember where my heart is and get it back, and I would help anyone else who wants to do this very same thing. Anyone ever feel like this? I am trying to remember...... why I am afraid to fight back really anymore. I need to stop trying to escape my problems by burying them instead of facing them. Lets face them together. It will help me still see the good in people, and some of you as well. I wonder if I am alone in how I feel...... Lets see how this turn of events go. I hate feeling like a stranger, I want to believe in everything. :|
Plato said:
Since, then, the soul is immortal and has been born many times, since it has seen all things both in this world and in the other, there is nothing it has not learnt. No wonder, then, that it is able to recall to mind goodness and other things, for it knew them beforehand. For, as all reality is akin and the soul has learnt all things, there is nothing to prevent a man who has recalled &#8211; or, as people say, learnt&#8217; &#8211; only one thing from discovering all the rest for himself, if he will pursue the search with unwearying resolution. For on this showing all inquiry or learning is nothing but recollection.
I have this feeling like I was put on this earth to do something big to fight for a cause to make a differance to help people. I know many people have such delusions of granduer but what seperates them from the people who do make a differance? For every Nat Turner there a million nameless dead revolutionarys who made fuck all of a differance. I see this country falling farther and farther towards facism and I feel compelled to make a stand draw that line in the sand I dont even necessarily mean violently but I also am beginning to understand that violence and power is all that many humans understand as Moa said power is derived from the barrel of a gun. I know there is something to be said about being a good person and helping those around you as best you can and just trying to weather the storm of things that seem to be out of your control but, at the same time I feel as if its a copout. It seems we are living in a transitional time and its very possible that what we choose to do today will have reprocussions on the very fate of humanity.

edit wanted to make clear that I am not advocating unprovoked violence.
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