Blogs

Hello everyone!

As you may have noticed, our own OverDone has recently been promoted to Administrator (Congratulations by the way!); which is great news for the site, but means that we will be losing him as a moderator. So, we'll be opening up applications for a new moderator, from now until 11 December.

Duties of a Blogs moderator include: reading every post that is, um, posted, and offering comments when they can; checking for spammers, attacks, and other BLUA/Blogs Guidelines violations; contributing content in whatever way they can; and generally making sure that things run smoothly here.

If you're interested, please PM your application to myself, animal_cookie and OverDone. In it, describe why you think that you would be a good mod, number of hours you spend on BL a day, location (timezone is fine), what you would do to improve Blogs if given the opportunity, and anything else that you'd like to share.

We'll be contacting the selected applicant as soon as we've come to a decision after the 11th.

Thank you all; and a special thanks to OverDone for his first-rate work here! It's a shame to lose such a dedicated volunteer, but our loss is BL's gain.

I am new to this but I need information.
What is the best way to try and get a prescription for heavy pain killers such as opana?

Because I was going to enroll in college (system engineering) I decided to make my own party to say goodbye to opioids for a while.

This is the report of what I did:

8 am - 11 am : did 375 mg of Lyrica (Pregabalin) along with 25mg of sodium Naproxen to increase Lyrica bioavailability. Also did 1mg Alprazolam to prevent heart arrhythmia.

1 pm - 3 pm: had to go to college to fill some forms, I felt extremely excited and inhibited. I had and incredible urge to smoke (I don't smoke) but I couldn't resist and bought a pack of 10 cigars. I smoke 2 cigars during the travel and felt even more euphoric, that simple nicotine felt awesome, and at the same time I felt more "controlled"

4 pm - 6 pm: did 150 mg Lyrica, 25mg sodium Naproxen, 2mg Alprazolam. Then I fall asleep. I didn't want to, but I just lied on the bed and suddenly I was sleeping like a baby

10 pm: ok, now was the time I was waiting for. I bought a box of 20 50mg pure Tramadol. I bought a Gatorade, a Red Bull, and Pepsi. I drank the Gatorade.

11 pm: already did 400mg Tramadol and 4mg Alprazolam. The Alprazolam it's mostly to prevent seizures. While fighting a little with a new Linux installation, I began to feel pleasure in my legs. I went to Windows and began to write this report while playing with my PS3

12 am: decided to drank a Red Bull with 150mg Tramadol and another 2mg Alprazolam


1 am: Feeling the opioid feeling in my arms. It's lovely. Also I'm very focused in any task I do.

1.15 am: Drank some fresh Coke with 100mg Tramadol and 2mg Alprazolam. Feeling very good and focused. I wonder how works the interaction with all the Lyrica I did today with Tramadol

1.40 am: Feeling very hungry, probably because of the Lyrica. I ate a sandwich, 75mg Lyrica and 100mg Tramadol. Feeling very good, specially in the legs, I can absolutely feel the pleasure of the opioid

2 am: Did 150mg Tramadol and 2mg Alprazolam with Pepsi. This makes 1000mg Tramadol and 12mg Alprazolam. Feeling less focused now, but still ok.

3 am: Feeling more and more pleasure, arms and legs. Playing with my PS3 it's more fun than usually. It's like, because I have no pain at all, I can focus totally in the game.
Side effect: throat dry. Will take some Pepsi.

The next day at morning: Well, I suppose the report ends here. I'm feeling quite "opiated", as in feeling pleasure in my body, specially in my legs, and one thing, maybe it's important: yesterday, at 4 am before sleeping, I did 200mg Tegretol; Tegretol facilitates Tramadol metabolism into M1, and in my body, most of the Tramadol I did was obviously metabolized, so potentiating Tramadol with Tegretol it's cool, but if you fail at the timing, it will kill your Tramadol high.

Well, back to Lyrica. Thanks for reading.

Thinking about the connecting of lasers in the modern day and lasers in the Austin Powers movie.

03/12/11 -
Christmas Shopping is complete. . I am ready to go to Arizona for the holiday season. It will be the first Christmas without snow since my time living in Hawaii - four years ago.

Enjoying the egg nog experience, although I wish there were more choices for Chocolate milk around here.

I feel like it would only be fair to write a nice little entry on the first Research Chemical I ever pursued and experienced...2c-I. 2c-I is probably one of the most popular phenethylamines that still remains unscheduled throughout most of the world. I would have to call this chemical a classic in my overall experiences with psychedelics, having found this member of the 2c-x to be one of the most agreeable compounds from Shulgin's creations, aside from its illicit cousin, 2c-B. I have used and combined this compound many times, almost always yielding positive results. Nowadays, I don't use this compound as frequently, because I am personally a much bigger fan of tryptamines. Anyways, here's some of my commentary on various dosage levels of this compound, ranging from 10-60mg typically.

10-15mg:

• 
  This range of 2c-I is probably my favorite dosage to use with this particular compound. It is able to fulfill my desire for sensory amplification, without riding my body to hard, or interrupting my normal daily routine too heavily. Though the visual, auditory, tactile and mental effects definitely become more prominent at dosages 20mg+, I find this dose the perfect medium for situations such as concerts, or tripping with larger groups of people. It offers a less intrusive, pleasant stimulation, and overall keaner perception. Colours become brighter, and features become more pronounced. Music becomes more enjoyable, and more enticing. I also notice nice patterning in my visual field, and become more creatively explorative. Despite all of this enhancement of stimuli, I still find myself to become immersed in conversation, with a smile usually glued to my face.

20-40mg:

• Still fairly immature in my overall growth in the sense of my views of the psychedelic experience, I found this dosage range to be my favorite upon first discovering this chemical. The visuals become much more intriguing, with long tracers, more movement and manipulation in my visual field. There is a more euphoric push, with more giggling, and a sense of contentment. The negative effects I have noticed in this dosage response, is more difficulty interpretting social situations, often stumbling on my words a little bit more, and having trouble properly digesting the context of dialogue from my friends. I also notice more physical discomfort, with stiffness and muscle tension plaguing the experience moreso. Most of this can be remedied with alcohol or benzo's though. Since there is no vast mental headspace with this compound, I don't really find adding these other substances to muddy up the trip. In fact, I get more enjoyment when adding alcohol (especially) to the mix, because it lowers my inhibitions enough to enhance the euphoria and stimulation of the compound, and relaxes me physically.

60mg+

• 
  This particular dosage is where I feel like this drug ruins itself. If you have a day or so to fully recover from the experience, it can be enjoyable, but it becomes taxing enough on the body for it to really seem worth it. The visual activity is unavoidable at this point, with manipulation, tracing, and fractalization becoming a prominent part of the visual field. Overall, I wouldn't recommend anyone avoid dosing this high, but it's just personally not enjoyable enough for me to do on any sort of regular basis. I've also noticed that when you pass 40mg, social situations become fairly franic. In group trip settings, I've noticed there's always going to be one person in the group who will not respond well to the intensity of this drug above 40mg. This always creates a sense of insecurity and unease upon the whole group. At this dosage range, the physical side effects are unable to be remedied in my experience. Drinking does nothing but contribute to the sense of uncomfortability, in my experience. Overall, it can be worth it, but as I said, I personally don't really enjoy this compound much anymore because of dosing in this range in great frequency.

With this compound, please remember moderation is key. If you ignore this truth, the drug will teach you, I can almost guarantee that. I think this chemical is great for sensory enhancement. It's lack of significant qualities in the grand scheme of the what I look to attain in the psychedelic experience has led me to use this compound very sparingly. I find it to be a great introductory psychedelic, a good drug for concerts, and a good drug for social situations (all of which demand conservative use). I still enjoy this compound, though I am very picky about when I decide to use it. One great attribute of this compound though, is how great it combines with other psychedelics, empathogens, and dissocatives. My top 5 combinations with this compound are:

1. 2c-I + Ketamine:
This combination has a great synergy to it. Adding ketamine to the mix greatly enhances my headspace in terms of psychedelia, as well as masks the physical side effects of 2c-I. I would greatly recommend everyone try this combo one day, given you like both drugs on their own already.

2. 2c-I + MDMA:
Really softens the physical tax of the 2c-I, as well as boosts the tactile sensations and overall euphoria of the compound. Very exquisite combo for concerts, raves, or group experiences.

3. 2c-I + 2c-E:
I am not really a fan of 2c-E by itself. I find the compound interesting, but less euphoric and more uncomfortabally stimulating. The proper ratio (which for me is 15mg of 2c-e and 10mg of 2c-I) really offers incredible synergy, and gives me the visual/auditory effects of 2c-E, with the comfortable euphoria and stimulation of low doses of 2c-I

4. 2c-I + Cocaine:
Very euphoric, eliminating my typical sense of discomfort that I get from 2c-I. Very good for social situations, and takes away some of the bite of Cocaine.

5. 2c-I + LSD:
Very interesting combo, though not necessarily better than each of the chemicals on their own. In defnitely lends to the headspace of 2c-I by itself, but I love LSD too much to dirty it with anything most of the time. 2c-B and LSD however, is a wonderful combination. But 2c-B is more friendly to the body and mind than 2c-I. Definitely an interesting combo, nonetheless.

Please take into consideration that every person is different, and that these combos may not be as enjoyable to others. And also remember to get to know any two compounds before you decide to mix them, because they will often potentiate eachother to some extent, demanding proper dose ratios.

Welp, that's my experience with this compound! Hope you all got something out of it!!!

how are your come downs? mine are not so good, any feedback on how to cope??

Why is it so hard to be happy? I have no real reason to be sad but happiness feels unobtainable. I try so hard. I really do. I despair of what is to become of me. Nobody needs me and I feel like I don't have a place in this world. As the months roll by I lose more hope and I don't know what my purpose is. I have managed to fuck up every opportunity I ever had and I only have myself to blame. I am so tired. I wish I could find some meaning and direction.

So ridin around smokin crack this dude tells me im a very genuine guy. What does that even mean? I dunno pass me the fuckin pipe. The last week has been a haze a replay but where everythings a little different its almost like a remake of a classic movie but this shit is my life. My arm has a big ass knot where I missed a whole k4 cause I was too high on crack to feel that I was missing. I am in total self destruct mode you know that scene in fight club where Edward Norton talks about flushing oil tankers onto the pristine beaches he will never visit thats how I feel I wanna destroy something beautiful. Its honestly fucking shameful I am such a leach I just suck the good out of everything till there is only acidic rottenness there I am a taker cause I got nothing to give. But then there is the other side of the coin cause shit there are always 2 sides to every story maybe im just a lost soul looking for redemption? Maybe I just love heroin? I dunno burn me at the fuckin stake its all relative anyway. End xanax babble.

Everything in mine is wrong.
Family. "Friends". People in general. Finances. Now, my health. My life altogether.

I can't think of anything that makes me happy anymore. Maybe that's why I like Bluelight and PeeJ and other volunteer work so much. Helping others makes me feel like I'm actually worth something, I guess. Because it's obvious that to the rest of the world, I'm not.My own self-esteem and confidence used to keep me going, but even that's starting to slowly be sucked away.

How can you be happy when every single thing in your life is shit? I feel like I've lost myself. And it scares me, because what if I can't find it again?

And worse... what if I don't want to anymore? :/

I'm so done with you..please just leave my life, I don't think there's anything else you can take away from me..you just took one of the most important people in my life away from me and is that going to be enough now? Have you salvaged all you could from my broken soul yet? leave, you have overstayed your welcome, you have worn me out, I am so tired of this all. so tired of you. You fucked me up, look at what I have been reduced to, a shell of what I once was. stay the fuck away from me

What up guys. Shit still is lame. Keep getting denied for jobs left and right, probation fees stacking up, threat letters coming in. Oh well, at least I got nofx. I wish I was a chick so I could be a hooker.

give it up for workin stiffs and those who sell heir bodies,time and future

the popular people who can shout and spread
a catchy rationalization

lets give a cheer for androids, robots,
servants and their masters

"blind leading the blind" and "slavery is freedom"

starts to resound
everyone knew madison
she came to hollywood
a couple buttons short
couldnt keep her story straight
she had a drawer full of poisons,
punctures, pictures of victims

of course someone asks are they still victims if
they never realize it?

go ask a PA minor
breathing blackness smoking 3 pack camels

loyal americans who love their collar colored
for 40 hours

a spade is still a spade, a collar is still
a collar whether it

be blue or white
its still around your neck, the silk leash nice and tight

your wife helped pick it

out the irony is
that your worked 3 hours for it

you wish you
could ignore it

you're a hooker.

start to realize its true
they sniff their coke you huff your glue
pimps and prostitutes
buisnessmen in monkey suits
on their knees
licking corporate boots
suckin up jumping through hoops
pimps and wall street ho's
work the street in business clothes
blows jobs, rimming, sucking cock,

they're getting laid while you're getting laid off

"Walking Contradiction"

Do as I say not as I do because
The shit's so deep you can't run away
I beg to differ on the contrary
I agree with every word that you say
Talk is cheap and lies are expensive
My wallet's fat and so is my head
Hit and run and then I'll hit you again
I'm a smart ass but I'm playing dumb

Standards set and broken all the time
Control the chaos behind a gun
Call it as I see it even if
I was born deaf, blind and dumb
Losers winning big on the lottery
Rehab rejects still sniffing glue
Constant refutation with myself
I'm a victim of a catch 22

I have no belief
But I believe
I'm a walking contradiction
And I ain't got no right

Do as I say not as I do because
The shit's so deep you can't run away
I beg to differ on the contrary
I agree with every word that you say
Talk is cheap and lies are expensive
My wallet's fat and so is my head
Hit and run and then I'll hit you again
I'm a smart ass but I'm playing dumb

I have no belief
But I believe
I'm a walking contradiction
And I ain't got no right

I have no belief
But I believe
I'm a walking contradiction
And I ain't got no right

I can't deal with this. My whole little stupid world fell apart last week... just in time for my Thanksgiving break to totally fucking suck. It's hard not to resent all the people and factors involved in this -- my buddy, the police, the holidays, my mother's Yarzheit and myself especially. Almost everyone I know is going through something. Even people I don't really know. This goes much deeper than I will ever know. Sometimes I think some sort of ''higher power'' has a hand in this... It's testing me. Usually when I can't score I blame everything and everyone I can possibly think of, up to and sometimes including "God". God is just testing my strength. God wants me to be sober for right now.

I could be that little lab mouse in that little cage, freaking out because I can't pull the meth lever anymore! (Did anyone see that documentary, "World's Most Dangerous Drug" with Lisa Ling about methamphetamine? It scared the fuck out of me!) I had my run with cocaine and I have a fear of seeming crazy to people I don't know, so I get paranoid and think they're talking about me... My anxiety keeps me from completely going off the deep end, I guess? I went off the deep end once, around family and family friends and it was extremely awful.

My family (back when my mom was alive and my dad was well enough to travel) went upstate to spend the holidays with our old neighbors/friends. I brought my cocaine and Bacardi 151. My default "best friend" at the time wanted to get drunk, so we drank. I had to find a place to do my coke -- the house was pretty full, like on some Home Alone before they traveled to wherever it was they were going shit. I went out to the lake that was just up the road from them and did a few lines of coke. And then a few more. Before I knew it, I was out of cocaine. I freaked the fuck out and made up this story about how my friend called me and told me my cat got out and I needed to take the next bus home... Lame, right? I was screaming and crying and out of my mind with rage. I am normally quite a level, reserved person when not around my innermost circle of people so I knew I wasn't handling things well. I just needed some space. A person can't always be "on", right? I assume it was my dopamine receptors being fried from all of the cocaine and the panic and depression the comedown always caused.

Anyway, me and my friend ended up getting drunk that night to calm the fuck down and we were going to hop a fence. She pushed me and I fell on my ankle and heard a "pop". My mom and my mom's self-proclaimed best friend didn't really care, as they were drunk too. My ankle was swollen and I could barely move it. Someone wrapped it with some ACE bandage and that was it. My ankle has never been the same but it's alright now I guess...

The point is, from that, I knew I was done with cocaine. I probably used a few more times after but it was the beginning of the end. With oxy, it's not like that. It's a cruel mistress and it always seduces me back to her. I wrote a poem that was very similar to this concept about cocaine years ago and if I find it and it's good enough, I will post it. But I feel that, despite the withdrawals and the great depression is causes after the acute withdrawal phase, I still can see the good in it and that's my trouble. I am not ready to stop but I never know what my mood will be going to the next minute or hour or day or week so I have to toss shit at the wall and see what sticks.

Just now, I was looking up NA Meetings, to at least give one a chance. My girlfriend has a point and I see it now, just a few days removed from the last hit of oxycodone. I took some suboxone on Thursday, Thanksgiving, because I couldn't really eat -- a low dose, way less than even 1mg... it's now 2 days removed from that and my legs are still a bit crazy, my stomach is in knots and I am restless and bored as hell. I guess that's why I am writing in this blog so much too.

I have a sheet of paper here next to me. On one side is a list of NA meetings in my area and on the other is a list of pills and prices for my backup connect... The epitome of irony and a brain in struggle.

A couple of years ago, when I wasn't taking anything on a daily basis except for my scripted meds, I took a class called "Alcohol, Tobacco and Other Drugs" as an elective, given by an older black gentleman Professor who worked/works with addicts and, if I recall correctly, successfully got himself out of the drug lifestyle. It was interesting.

For the class, we were supposed to observe an open AA meeting. I went there with my girlfriend because she'd had a problem with alcohol and plus I didn't feel comfortable going alone. It was an open meeting that catered to gay folks. I was much more uncomfortable about the whole gay thing back then so I stayed away from anyone who might know me. Except, when we walked in, my girlfriend and myself were the only 2 females in the room. Turns out, it was only for gay MALES.

Oops! So we bolted out of there and probably met up with another friend and got some pills or pot or something. Oops! I bullshitted my paper and got my A, as I've been doing for the past couple of years. Sometimes I think my writing is the only thing getting me through college. Even then, my writing isn't that good. I just have a decent grasp of spelling and grammar and I write for the Professor -- that's my secret! Write for your audience, they say. So I write for my Professors... I feel like if I can turn in an interesting paper, I can get an interesting grAAAAAAAde. Ha, try it, it works.

So what the fuck was my point? I don't know. I'm high on sobriety. I am anxious as fuck. I am thinking of actually taking my antidepressants which is fucking crazy. I feel like Cadie/Cassie from SKINS US/UK (Lame show? I don't know... I like it) with a closet full of pills. You know, the ones that mother gives you, the ones that don't do anything at all.

So I think I've come to the end of my rant. I had some whiskey on Thursday and all it gave me was a headache and a stomach ache. My drinking/drug buddy from high school was over and we sat down in my living room to drink but it wasn't the same. Maybe because that was where my mom died? And where I had so many fucked up coke binges and so many bad LSD trips? There's a force field in there that can only be broken by WWE wrestling and opiates... It's a bit of a tomb.

I have to get out of here. The urge to flee has never been stronger. Maybe that's why I don't pay my rent. I don't do anything until there's a figurative gun to my head. I'm lazy and defeated easily. I like being blissfully unaware.

Beg and borrow but never steal. Unless you can get away with it.

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Cheap Ipods

Whether it's doctor prescribed or given to you by your homeboy Kelly, there are a few steps one should take before ingesting a new substance.

1) What is the chemical name of the substance?
A basic example- Ecstasy is MDMA (methylenedioxymethamphetamine)

This is one of the most crucial steps. It helps one become acquainted with the substance.

2) What are the positive effects?
Taking drugs is all about mindset. Without a good mind, one runs the risk of increasing the negative effects of the drug. In other words, it's healthy to have fun.

3) What are the short term negative effects?
How the drug will effect you an hour to 36 hours after use. This includes any pre-existing medical conditions that may become aggravated from drug use; such as using stimulants with a heart problem or high blood pressure.


4) What are long term negative effects?
How will the drug effect me in the next months and years?

5) What are the main receptors that the drug binds to?

A self-medicating drug user, should have a good enough mind to at least be considered an amateur chemist.

An example: Benzodiazepines are partial to GABA-A receptor sites while a drug such as GHB is partial to GABA-B. While they are respectively similar in their CNS depressing effects, benzodiazepines can actually be used to help counter seizures caused by GHB. While a drug like alcohol will exacerbate an overdose.

The human mind fascinates me. Capable of such great and wonderous things, soaring to unimaginable heights...but for every Einstein, Renroir, and Da Vinci, there are 50 million dickheads running around babbling bullshit, hell, I may even be one. Yet, every once in awhile some truly stupendous asshole comes along. Case in point, this weekend, on a domestic American flight a 47 year old man sat in his seat watching films on his laptop. Nothing unusual there, right? The only problem however is that a passenger sitting parallel to him found the film atrocious , seeing as how it was Child Pornography. The enraged passenger immediately informed a flight attendant and upon landing his laptop was examined and voila, baby piddling. This was in First Class no less. I mean really, you need to spend a couple of thousand US for some comfy leg room and then you look over and see that? Hahaha, I am afraid of what I might have done had I been the man who glanced over and saw that shit.

In my culture, we become men at 13, girls become women at 12, but in our day and age we have moved forward a bit, girls may marry at 15 or 16, but in the end, after puberty, age really is just a number. Culture defines mores AND morals. In many places 7 and ax year old girls are already keeping house as their mums work in the fields. By 14 such girls are much more emotionally and mentally mature than most 20 year old Western females. Males? It all depends on the culture.

Traditionally, Muslims for example- no matter the ethnicity, consider a boy of 12 to be a man. This is the age where Muslim boys receive their circumcisions and thereafter, in many places, their parents begin looking for a suitable match to contract a marriage. We Jews, as I noted, aren't too different in that regard. Indeed, I was married just after I turned 17, to a 15 year old woman I had never met. The issue I find abhorrent is the Arab and Muslim (they aren't one and the same) allowance of marriage between adult males and pre-pubescent females, say, an 80 year old man marrying a 9 year old girl. That to me is pure exploitation.

For any European junkies reading this, the Afghan opiate trade helps to fuel that particularly abhorrent practice. As in many under-developed nations, peasants receive loans at planting time in exchange for a set, advantageous price for the entire opium crop. If, as in the last two seasons, the crop is sparse, the farmer has no chance of meeting his onus. In such cases farmers are sometimes offering a young daughter in exchange to wipe the debt clean. So, in an-indirect way, VERY indirect- Europeans insatiable need for Afghan Heroin is helping to fuel a most heinous practice but then of course, it is the culture that actually fuels it because even without debt, most Afghan enthicities. Use their daughters as chattel anyway.

A particularly disgusting case took place in Cebu City a month ago. In the suburb of Cordova, on Mactan Island (where Magellan got his ass waxed by a poison arrow, damn, I hate when that happens), a young couple with six children ages 4 to 15, were nabbed for running a cyber sex den in which their own children were the performers. Standing off camera mum and daddy directed the little tykes to perform alone, or- and this is especially creepy- on each other...having the 11 year old daughter and 4 year old boy, well you get the idea I'm sure.

Police, actually the NBI, the Flip equivalent of the FBI, raided the home as five of the kids were doing their thing. The eldest, a 15 year old boy, was clothed and not "on duty." The mother freely admitted what she and her husband had been doing but swears she only did it for poverty and if they allow her to keep her children she will sell dried fish- though I reckon that IF she could do that now, she could have chosen that route before mentally and physically ducking up every child she has ever brought into the world. The only bright spot is that she was 6 months pregnant and that therefore they weren't able to violate that soon to be born infant.

Their clientele was entirely Western, which doesn't suprise me at all, unfortunately. The father said that they were merely doing the same thing as their neighbors, it wasn't at all unusual. Sadly, I know for a fact that he isn't lying. In urbanised slums, like Joysa's for example, many people run their own cyber sex nonsense. In fact, her lazy brother is supported by some gay guy, "Boobah," the name makes me laugh because in Bisaya the word means "Big Tits" (it was Rizza's nickname in school since large chested women here are considered ugly, unattractive, the word is a put down. I used to explain to Rizza that she shouldn't feel bad about it. Of course Joysa is even bigger but living on the edges of Metro Manila Joysa is much more aware that in the West it is a desirable trait).

Anyway, Boobah? He/she was the one whom I discussed a dozen or so entries ago. A norwegian truck driver fell in love with him/her online and left his wife and job to come to the Philippines, only to return home brokem hearted and a lot poorer to boot. Let us home he didn't catch any diseases in the process.

supper tuesdays is better than mondays

Thursdays are the best days.

I've been on Suboxone for the past three weeks or so, and I took my last one yesterday, or at least that's the plan... It's been a month, though, since I've actually been high on any traditional opiate...

It's funny... I have five Lortabs and five Roxi 30's sitting right here in front of me, but the pull on my mind they used to have just ... isn't there. I should be happy about that, but there still seems to be a large void missing from my soul. The missing chunk is right here before my eyes, but it's like it has deformed, and the key won't fit anymore...

I don't remember what it feels like to be high anymore. And I want to remember that warm euphoria so very badly... I know the receptor blockade from the bupe is still running strong in my brain, so it would be pointless to try... The pills themselves are like a hollow memory...

It doesn't make me happy that I've forgotten, it doesn't make me sad, just ... hollow...

day after thanksgiving 2011111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111

3 dinners in 24 hours

3c1g1b

beano

2x mxe (2ci?) quinoa dubstep endler shrimp snails duckweeeeeeeeeeed

Tonight was one of the worst nights I've had in a very long time. I had a pet rat, and she was so sweet and friendly. I brought her out to play like I do every night. She crawled into my arms and I started to rub her below her ears, that's her favorite spot to be pet. The she started coughing/ Wheezing and within a few seconds she started shaking then stopped moving altogether. I panicked then and gave her rat CPR, but still no movement. I feel so awful as in sick to my stomach, I can't help but feel this was my fault. I don't know what happened. I loved her so much. She's gone. It all happened in my arms. She was too young to die less than a year, so I feel that this is my fault. How can I make amends? I don't think I can. What happens to a rat when they die? I can't help thinking about her and where she is now. She was one of my best friends, she used to take sips off my beers and enjoyed a smoke-out every now and again. I miss her so much already. I feel so much guilt right now and I deserve it.

LOOKING FOR LIKE MINDED INTELLECTUAL PEOPLE TO DISCUSS VARIOUS TOPICS

I feel sad but I guess I have to stick my chin out and keep trying. I know what must be done so I think its time to be brave and change things for myself.