I'm not sure if it's the bottle of wine I've drank or if I've just managed to be mature enough to be realistic... but I have calmed down a bit.
Life is so fucking frustrating at the moment. I hate this time of year. Every year for the last few years someone I care about has either killed themself or died. I fucking hate it. People that should still be here aren't here anymore and it just doesn't make sense. Jamie and Leiah I understand to some extent. They took their own lives. I don't condone it but it was their decision to go. Murray and Paula didn't have a choice. Murray was hit by some cunt in a car while riding his bike to Tessie's with Knowli and Paula had been drinking too much and didn't know her liver was weakened. I know it's selfish for me to be upset about these losses but I can't help it. They were all wonderful people who had so much to offer the world and I'm mad as hell they won't have the chance. Two of the worst moments in my life were having to tell Marianne that Murray had died and to tell Bea (Jamie's girlfriend) that he'd killed himself. I was the only link between Bea and Jamie that could have done it and it breaks my heart to remember her pain when I called her. We couldn't even go to his funeral. One of Jamie's friends took us to "the place" which was really difficult and then he took us to Jamie's grave. Bea collapsed at the graveside and I just had to get down beside her and hold her. I don't think I'll ever understand why Jamie felt his time was up. I wish he'd talked to one of us.
Murray. Lovely Murray. His death is the next anniversary coming up and he's been on my mind these last few days. We shared the same birthday. It was a "thing" with us. I thought he and Heather might get back together but she fucked off to India. The only two things I remember about the day of Murray's funeral was Tessie and I trying and failing to hold each other up at the graveside and ending up on the ground crying into each other, and the "wake" which was more of an all out party that Murray's brother organised after the official wake. I lost the ability to talk by the end of it through sheer grief. I don't like to say any good came of Murray's death but it's because of what happened that I met Colm and I see no shame in trying to take something positive away from it. Murray is gone. Colm is one of my best friends in the entire world. He's my big brother. I met Colm one night in Gala outside Indigo Rooms after the Fudds played a gig with Craig Jeffrey about a week after the accident. Turns out he'd worked with Murray. I don't know what I'd do without Colm.
I remember Marianne came up after her and Ben broke up and we went to see Murray. Well, we visited his grave. We got a bottle of whiskey and lay on either side of the grave. We had a good chat and told him what we'd been up to. That we missed him. I left him a note that said:
"Moments lost but time remains, we are so proud of who you were, no pain remains... no feeling... eternity awaits..."
It's paraphrasing of a lyric to a song by VNV Nation called "Beloved" which was the only song I could listen to for about a month after we lost Murray. Murray was a legend and I wonder what he'd make of the world today.
It's Paula's funeral on Thursday coming but it's in London and I can't get down there for it. I'm gutted but I don't have enough cash and if I megabus it I couldn't do it in one day and I can't afford to stay anywhere... and I don't know her peeps down there to see if there was a spare room anywhere. Not sure that would be appropriate anyway.
I guess, these tragedies aside, whatever is going on in my head right now that is making me feel crazy is probably not that big a deal. I know it's selfish of me to feel so sorry for myself but I can't help it. I'm so glad to be alive and I'm so grateful for all the good things in my life but I don't know how to cope with the everyday frustrations of life and it's really starting to mess with me.
Is life meant to be this constant fight against adversity? I've been told that I'm a rebel without a cause and that I need to stop rebelling against nothing... it's just that it doesn't FEEL like nothing.
Life's changed. It's fucked up. There used to be good people, good drugs, good times... and there was none of this vapid, consumerist, fake tanned and silicone titted bullshit.
I feel incredibly alone in this world. I know we're all alone in this world but I feel like I have no allies. I'm a loner. I don't have a boyfriend or a lot of friends or a social life. I'd rather stay in and drink wine and paint or write alone than go out dancing these days. I tried to to be like "everybody else"... but I'm not.
And of course it'd be wrong of me to take powder on my own. I crave it. I CRAVE it. Just to help me right. Just to feel that speedy rush that will keep me up all night and open vocabulary gateways the likes of which I haven't seen since the year of "billy nights". Fucking hell.
I guess things will happen in their own sweet time. For my part, I'm trying to make an effort. I'm applying for my provisional driving license. Looking into taking a photography course. Looking into Uni next year (I'd stay here and travel every day)... but will it work? Will it happen?
I don't know. I guess I can only hope and try. The only person I can rely on is me.
Fucking hell this is a rant and a half full of tangents...
Right. Time to shut up.
My wine is nearly finished so I guess it's time for bed soon. I'm going to watch Almost Famous. Most likely I'll be distracted by the constellation of luminous stars on my wall.
So what.
I can do whatever the fuck I want.
Life is so fucking frustrating at the moment. I hate this time of year. Every year for the last few years someone I care about has either killed themself or died. I fucking hate it. People that should still be here aren't here anymore and it just doesn't make sense. Jamie and Leiah I understand to some extent. They took their own lives. I don't condone it but it was their decision to go. Murray and Paula didn't have a choice. Murray was hit by some cunt in a car while riding his bike to Tessie's with Knowli and Paula had been drinking too much and didn't know her liver was weakened. I know it's selfish for me to be upset about these losses but I can't help it. They were all wonderful people who had so much to offer the world and I'm mad as hell they won't have the chance. Two of the worst moments in my life were having to tell Marianne that Murray had died and to tell Bea (Jamie's girlfriend) that he'd killed himself. I was the only link between Bea and Jamie that could have done it and it breaks my heart to remember her pain when I called her. We couldn't even go to his funeral. One of Jamie's friends took us to "the place" which was really difficult and then he took us to Jamie's grave. Bea collapsed at the graveside and I just had to get down beside her and hold her. I don't think I'll ever understand why Jamie felt his time was up. I wish he'd talked to one of us.
Murray. Lovely Murray. His death is the next anniversary coming up and he's been on my mind these last few days. We shared the same birthday. It was a "thing" with us. I thought he and Heather might get back together but she fucked off to India. The only two things I remember about the day of Murray's funeral was Tessie and I trying and failing to hold each other up at the graveside and ending up on the ground crying into each other, and the "wake" which was more of an all out party that Murray's brother organised after the official wake. I lost the ability to talk by the end of it through sheer grief. I don't like to say any good came of Murray's death but it's because of what happened that I met Colm and I see no shame in trying to take something positive away from it. Murray is gone. Colm is one of my best friends in the entire world. He's my big brother. I met Colm one night in Gala outside Indigo Rooms after the Fudds played a gig with Craig Jeffrey about a week after the accident. Turns out he'd worked with Murray. I don't know what I'd do without Colm.
I remember Marianne came up after her and Ben broke up and we went to see Murray. Well, we visited his grave. We got a bottle of whiskey and lay on either side of the grave. We had a good chat and told him what we'd been up to. That we missed him. I left him a note that said:
"Moments lost but time remains, we are so proud of who you were, no pain remains... no feeling... eternity awaits..."
It's paraphrasing of a lyric to a song by VNV Nation called "Beloved" which was the only song I could listen to for about a month after we lost Murray. Murray was a legend and I wonder what he'd make of the world today.
It's Paula's funeral on Thursday coming but it's in London and I can't get down there for it. I'm gutted but I don't have enough cash and if I megabus it I couldn't do it in one day and I can't afford to stay anywhere... and I don't know her peeps down there to see if there was a spare room anywhere. Not sure that would be appropriate anyway.
I guess, these tragedies aside, whatever is going on in my head right now that is making me feel crazy is probably not that big a deal. I know it's selfish of me to feel so sorry for myself but I can't help it. I'm so glad to be alive and I'm so grateful for all the good things in my life but I don't know how to cope with the everyday frustrations of life and it's really starting to mess with me.
Is life meant to be this constant fight against adversity? I've been told that I'm a rebel without a cause and that I need to stop rebelling against nothing... it's just that it doesn't FEEL like nothing.
Life's changed. It's fucked up. There used to be good people, good drugs, good times... and there was none of this vapid, consumerist, fake tanned and silicone titted bullshit.
I feel incredibly alone in this world. I know we're all alone in this world but I feel like I have no allies. I'm a loner. I don't have a boyfriend or a lot of friends or a social life. I'd rather stay in and drink wine and paint or write alone than go out dancing these days. I tried to to be like "everybody else"... but I'm not.
And of course it'd be wrong of me to take powder on my own. I crave it. I CRAVE it. Just to help me right. Just to feel that speedy rush that will keep me up all night and open vocabulary gateways the likes of which I haven't seen since the year of "billy nights". Fucking hell.
I guess things will happen in their own sweet time. For my part, I'm trying to make an effort. I'm applying for my provisional driving license. Looking into taking a photography course. Looking into Uni next year (I'd stay here and travel every day)... but will it work? Will it happen?
I don't know. I guess I can only hope and try. The only person I can rely on is me.
Fucking hell this is a rant and a half full of tangents...
Right. Time to shut up.
My wine is nearly finished so I guess it's time for bed soon. I'm going to watch Almost Famous. Most likely I'll be distracted by the constellation of luminous stars on my wall.
So what.
I can do whatever the fuck I want.